Volume 44 • Number 1 Fall 2017 in this issue Praying with the Fourth Gospel A LetterLetter from from the Superiorthe Superior James Koester, SSJE In the Monastic Wisdom for Everyday Living insert, Br. Keith Nelson reveals through his own experience how reading and praying with John’s Gospel can allow each of us to see the ordinary, challenging, and even painful events of our lives as signs imbued with meaning. Dear Members of the Fellowship of Saint John and other Friends, Professor in New Testament at Virginia Theological Serminary, John Yieh gives a close look at the Johannine vision of Christian community as an embodiment of e live in a world full of voices or disapproving, but as intimate and God’s love in Christ. Wcalling us to follow in any number close, longing for relationship with us – of directions. Often the voices compete a Good Shepherd who calls us each by Br. Jim Woodrum offers practical suggestions for how we can meet Jesus in prayer with one another. The temptation is name (Jn 10:3). thoughout our day, every day. to follow the loudest voice, which is As members of the Society of Saint often the angriest, or the one which John the Evangelist, we Brothers feel Tambria E. Lee, Chaplain at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, subtly feeds on our fears, our anxieties, a special affinity for the writings of introduces various ways we might pray with John’s Gospel. our weaknesses. Like the voice of the John. His vision of a community of serpent in the Garden who was more love, drawn together by a shared love How could a modern dance class open the way to a monastic calling? Br. Nicholas crafty than any other wild animal that the for Jesus, is at the root of our life, even Bartoli shares his vocational journey to SSJE. Lord God had made (Gen 3:1), these as his words are woven into the Rule voices call to us and fill our heads with Letter from the Superior | Letter from the FSJ | Spotlight on Community Life that shapes our community. Above all, lies. It’s often hard to know which voice we believe that John’s writings have to follow, and so we feel fractured. the power to transform lives by inviting To hear the voice of Jesus is to hear the us into deep intimacy with Jesus. We To update your address with us, remove your name from our physical mailing list, voice of love calling to the very depths of Brothers have known this in our own or sign up for our electronic mailing list, our hearts, for God is love (1 Jn 4:8). And experience. For this reason, we have please call 617.876.3037x55, or email [email protected]. the voice of love speaks, not to our fears, decided to make our 2018 Lent program but to our hopes; not to our anger, but to about Meeting Jesus in the Gospel of John. To follow the latest news from the Brothers, visit www.SSJE.org. our dreams. Love is the voice of hope and of possibility. Love not only shouts from We would welcome hearing what you think of this issue of Cowley magazine. the mountain tops (Is 40:9), it also hangs Visit www.SSJE.org/cowleymagazine to share comments, ask questions, on the cross, and whispers our names or see Cowley in color! at dawn. We hear this voice of love speaking so clearly in the writings of the Evangelist John. The Gospel and Epistles of John tell the story of a God who is love and who so loved the world that he sent his only Son, so that we may not perish, but may have eternal life (Jn 3:16). This Son, Jesus, became flesh Cover photo: and lived among us (Jn 1:14) in order to reveal this God of love to us (Jn 1:18), to On June 17, 2017, the community celebrated Br. Jim lay down his life for us in love (Jn 10:11), Woodrum’s Profession in Life Vows. He is pictured here and to gather us into a community of with Brs. Luke Ditewig and Keith Nelson. love (1 Jn 4:9-11) called to share God’s love with the whole world (1 Jn 3:16-18). John’s Gospel presents God not as distant

©2017 by The Society of Saint John the Evangelist, North America The Society of Saint John the Evangelist 3 Letter from the FSJ A Letter from the Superior group about my 21-year-old daughter, S., who has severe learning disabilities and mental illness, and who was living with me at the time. I said that I hoped to leave behind my denial about her. Richard Rohr writes in Everything Belongs that “Jesus has given us the ideal eyes by which to see the real nature of reality.” He goes on to say that our job is to see clearly who we are and then to act on it. I had come to Jerusalem blind to Karen Bird my enabling and toxic relationship with Pictured in the Judean desert my daughter. My blinders allowed me to hen I first heard about the FSJ get through my days at home, but left me Wpilgrimage to the Holy Land, I felt exasperated, exhausted and resentful. On Ironwork on the Monastery Chapel gates honors the Evangelist John, traditionally depicted as an compelled to go. But as soon as I had the pilgrimage, my eyes started to open to eagle holding the gospel in its talons. paid my deposit, I started having buyer’s my role in our relationship. remorse. Really, me go on a pilgrimage? I As the initial days of the pilgrimage In this six-week series of videos, Brothers and noise of the world, whose voices call worried that I wasn’t religious enough. I went by and we learned about first-century will speak about a daily verse from John, us – especially these days – to be afraid, can’t quote the Bible and I am far more and modern-day Jerusalem, we prayed inviting you to deeply reflect and pray to be angry, to be jealous, to be selfish. likely, on a Sunday morning, to feel at many familiar and unfamiliar Biblical with these words – and we’ve designed But our job as followers of Jesus is to like I need extra sleep than to attend sites. We prayed the evening service of a beautiful prayer journal to accompany learn to hear his voice. We hope that you church. My relationship with Jesus was Compline under the stars, we prayed on the videos. We look forward to sharing will join us in listening for the voice of like one that you might have with a the hillside, we prayed in churches, sang this offering with you all. love in the words of the Evangelist John, distant, older relative – someone whom in churches, and prayed at the Western The articles in this issue of Cowley calling us, challenging us, prodding us to you admire deeply, and even emulate, Wall. We prayed as a fellowship, and anticipate this theme, offering greater and more unselfish love. but who is a little intimidating and most each day brought new gifts of being in a perspectives on how we can meet Jesus We will only know the voice of love if appreciated at a distance. Secretly, I had fellowship. in the riches of the Fourth Gospel. we know the One who is love, so really always thought of myself as a rather poor Daily, Jesus started to feed me, literally Br. Keith Nelson’s insert article at the listen. Listen attentively, listen devoutly, Christian, trying to keep Christ at a dis- with good food, and spiritually through center of this issue describes his own listen obediently, listen gratefully, listen tance. But there was this small, nagging the grace of my fellow pilgrims. Over personal experiences of encountering eagerly, and you will hear the Good sense that I was being beckoned to go. meal after meal (we certainly ate well!) Jesus – and himself – in signs like those Shepherd calling you by name, for to At one of our first meetings as a and on bus rides, I encountered love that pervade Jesus’ ministry throughout those who truly listen, God has promised group, I had a profound realization of and compassion both for me and for John. New Testament scholar, John to speak. the struggle I was being called on this my daughter. Each time I got on the bus Yieh, shares the wealth of his knowledge The Good Shepherd is speaking to you pilgrimage to address. Br. Curtis asked to go to the next place, I would sit with on the Johannine understanding of in love right now. Can you hear? us to share with the group our answers to someone and see Christ in that person. community and what it means for those a couple of questions: what did we hope We shared stories about our lives in ways of us looking to form communities Faithfully, to leave behind, and what did we hope you only do when you are completely of faith today. Chaplain Tambria Lee to take home with us? Oh no, my heart safe. We moved beyond the where-do-you- invites us to try praying with John’s started pounding wildly, I can’t express my live and how-many-children-do-you-have Gospel. And Br. Jim Woodrum suggests deepest hopes to these people I don’t know! discussions to the deeply personal, the places of pain in our lives. Jesus was some practical ways you might shape James Koester, SSJE Why did I come on this trip? As I listened your day in order to meet Jesus as you to others, I deepened my breathing and working in our hearts to move us towards Superior awaken and again as you return to sleep. prayed for God to give me the words I loving compassion with one another. I It can be hard to hear above the din needed. Before I knew it, I was telling the shared and listened in a way that fed me,

4 SSJE The Society of Saint John the Evangelist 5 healed me, and opened my eyes. And has carried you? Tears of gratitude flowed there was more: there was the challenge down my cheeks. In my fearfulness, I of having my blinders torn off. There was had been holding for dear life onto a No Longer Servants, the painful realization that I needed to broken relationship. That day in the make some major changes. But somehow chapel was the first step in letting go and But Friends my distress was bearable. Jesus held me in so doing, gaining my life back. when I cried. I brought back many gifts from my A Reflection on John 15:12-17 One morning towards the end of the mountain-top experience in the Holy pilgrimage, I went to church very early Land. I brought back new friendships, before anyone else arrived. I began to a spiritual director, and the strength John Yieh meditate and pray, and then I opened to change. It has been a very difficult Virginia Theological Seminary my eyes. I was looking right into the face year since I returned, but my daughter of an icon of Jesus. When I closed my has moved into an apartment and she eyes again, I remembered an image that is more resilient than I could ever have hat makes a community (agapē) so genuinely that they might I have had for the last fifteen years, of imagined. She certainly struggles, but W“Christian”? Believing and testify to the eternal life already granted Christ carrying me when I would stumble it is easier somehow. Perhaps I am no following Jesus as Christ are of course to them by Christ’s sacrifice on the carrying the cross of motherhood. I heard longer carrying her alone, but with Jesus. the basic requisites. But how should cross. All such visions of community the small voice say, why do you not trust Thanks be to God! a Christian community distinguish are gems of insights for our life together that Christ will carry S. the same way He itself from other social groups in its as a Christian community today. pattern of belief and pattern of life? A close look at John 15 reveals By reminding the church in Corinth three facets of the Johannine vision Companions on the Journey that they “are sanctified in Christ of Christian community as an The Fellowship of Saint John Jesus, called to be saints” (1 Cor 1:2), embodiment of God’s love in Christ. Paul evidently regarded a Christian “I wonder if there might be readers of Cowley who have delayed or denied themselves the community as one whose members 1. Circle of Friends chance to become members of the Fellowship out of a sense that they were not somehow, are transformed by Christ and uphold or in some way “enough” just at this moment: not committed enough, not prepared the standard of “holiness” (hagiotēs), One extraordinary term that Jesus delib- enough, and so on. If so, I would encourage you: Consider whether becoming a member of living a new way of life pleasing and erately used to call his disciples in John the Fellowship might be, not a marker of your arrival at some destination, but a way of honoring God. Concluding his Gospel 15 is “friend” (philos). To the confused joining companions on the journey.” – Br. Jonathan Maury, Director, FSJ with the great commission: “to make disciples at the last supper Jesus said: disciples of all nations, baptizing . . “I do not call you servants any longer, because the servant does not know what To learn more or apply to become a member of the FSJ, visit www.SSJE.org/fsj . and teaching . . . ” (Matt 28:19-20), Matthew was saying to the church in the master is doing; but I have called Antioch that a Christian community you friends, because I have made known should focus its mission on “disciple- to you everything that I have heard from training” (mathēteia) so that its members my Father” (15:15). In this statement may be committed to the Triune God Jesus made it clear that friend has a and fully equipped to share Jesus’ higher status than servant (doulos) in commandments with the whole world. terms of relationship. He also explained What about John the Evangelist? Since why he elevated their status: they under- the major witness in the Fourth Gospel stood what Jesus was doing and they was nicknamed the “Beloved Disciple” had learned divine revelation from him. (13:23; 21:7) and Jesus said that his Friends are people of kindred spirit who disciples would be properly recognized share their minds and hearts with each by their mutual love (13:25), John the other. Jesus had told them what he was Evangelist obviously expected his readers about to do – to die on the cross for all in Ephesus to form a community that – and had taught them how much God What a joy this year to welcome seven new members to the FSJ on the Feast of Saint John. Please would embody God’s love in Christ loved the world. By raising their bar to join with us in praying for (left to right): Amanda Bourne, Michael Davis, Richard Kelly, Nicolas Boisson, Lisa Gamble, Paul Evans, and Barbara Fisher.” The Society of Saint John the Evangelist 7 a true knowledge of his Incarnation and the timing of this declaration. It was their suffering and grief in Ch. 17.2 A “My Father is glorified by this, that you Passion, he now called them his friends. in the last supper before his arrest, and Christian community, whose members bear much fruit and be my disciples” What a grace and what a privilege! Jesus already knew Judas was about to strive to be worthy friends of Jesus, should (15:8). To bear fruit is tantamount to In Jewish tradition, Noah, Abraham, betray him, Peter to deny him, and the show relationships marked by Christ-like being Jesus’ disciples, and to be Jesus’ and Moses have been called “friends others to desert him. Notwithstanding, love, tangibly expressed in actions of disciples is to love one another as he has of God” because they trusted God Jesus called them his friends. humility, service, generosity, unity, endur- loved them (13:35). As such, bearing fruit and obeyed God’s commandment. In It is indeed by grace for us to become ance, and hope. is a social enactment of mutual love that response to God’s call, Noah built an a friend of Jesus, but it takes genuine imitates Christ and glorifies God! ark on Mt. Ararat, Abraham left his commitment to remain his friend as 3. To Bear Fruit As we reflect on Jesus’ earnest words in hometown Ur, and Moses returned to Jesus sternly said: “You are my friends if To be a friend of Jesus is also a calling calling his disciples friends, we may find Egypt to confront Pharaoh (Gen 8:4; you do what I command you” (15:14). with a purpose, as Jesus said: “You did the best poetic summary of this gift of 12:1; Exod 3:10). Divine calling and The privilege comes with a condition. not choose me but I chose you. And I loving friendship in Samuel Crossman’s human obedience made them friends The truth is Jesus reserved the right to appointed you to go and bear fruit, fruit hauntingly beautiful words in the famous of God. Among Greek and Roman be the master in the circle of his friends that will last” (15:16). What does the hymn: “My Song Is Love Unknown” philosophers, friendship was consid- as he said: “You call me Teacher and metaphor of bearing fruit mean for the (1664): ered a special relationship existing only Lord, and you are right, for that is what I Johannine community? In the preceding My song is love unknown, my savior’s among people with equal status, kindred am” (13:13). His claim to leadership was passage (15:1-11), Jesus took a familiar love to me, spirit, and reciprocal affection.1 In light legitimate and worthy not only because metaphor of the grapevine for Israel (Ps love to the loveless shown that they of these cultural norms, by calling his he was the Son of God, but also because 80:8-16; Isa 5:1-7; Jer 2:21; Ezek 15:1-6) might lovely be. disciples friends, the Johannine Jesus he was a respectable teacher practicing and allegorized it to urge his disciples to O who am I that for my sake my Lord wanted his followers to form a circle of what he preached by offering himself dwell in him so that they may bear fruit. should take frail flesh, and die? friends in which everyone trusts and up on the cross as the Lamb of God Jesus said he was the true vine, God the obeys God, understands and honors (1:29) and the grain of wheat (12:24) so vinegrower, and they the branches (15:1, He came from heaven’s throne salvation each other, and shares sincere love with that his friends may receive eternal life 5). The branches are expected to bear to bestow; Jesus and one another. through faith in him (20:31). fruit, but they can do so only if they abide the world that was his own would not What is Jesus’ commandment? In in the vine, that is, if they are closely its Savior know. 2. Beloved and Loving 13:34-35, he had already made it clear: “I connected with the vine so that they may But O my Friend, my Friend indeed, It should be pointed out that this friend- give you a new commandment, that you constantly receive from it nutrition and who at my need his life did spend! ship was given to the disciples as a gift, love one another. Just as I have loved water to grow strong. Interestingly, every because Jesus first offered himself as you, you also should love one another. branch that bears fruit, the vinegrower their best friend, ready to die for them: By this everyone will know that you will prune or cleanse so that it may bear “No one has greater love than this, to are my disciples.” This commandment even more fruit (15:2), but those that are lay down one’s life for one’s friends” is so important that he repeated it (in not connected with the vine will wither (15:13). Indeed, he had chosen them, 15:12) right before he called his disciples and be thrown into the fire to be burned not they him (15:16). Thus, Christian his friends. It is a tall order, however, (15:6). community as a circle of friends is because the standard of the friendly love For Paul, to bear fruit means to bear bonded together by Jesus’ self-sacrificing is Jesus’ own love for them, even unto the fruit of the Spirit in “love, joy, peace, love. Like the Beloved Disciple, all death on the cross. In his study of the patience, kindness, generosity, faithful- followers are beloved of Jesus. It is partic- so-called “Book of Discourse” in the ness, gentleness, and self-control” (Gal ularly remarkable, when we think about Gospel of John, Francis Moloney has 5:22-23), in other words, to exhibit a aptly argued that before Jesus gave this Christ-like character in one’s life. For 1 Abraham J. Malherbe, “Paul’s Self- order for the disciples to imitate his love, John, to bear fruit may be summarized in Sufficiency (Philippians 4:11),” Light from he first exemplified it by humbly wash- the idea of soli Deo gloria, for Jesus said: the Gentiles: Hellenistic Philosophy and Early ing their feet and freely offering bread Christianity: Collected Essays 1959-2012 even to Judas the traitor. After repeating 2 Francis J. Moloney, “Love in Action, (Leiden: Brill, 2014), 325-338, see 327. See this order in 15:12 Jesus prayed for his Discourse, and Prayer: John 13:1-38; 15:12- also John T. Fitzgerald, ed. Friendship, Flattery, disciples to be one with him, with God, 17; 17:1-26,” Love in the Gospel of John: An and Frankness of Speech: Study of Friendship in and with one another, in anticipating Exegetical, Theological, and Literary Study (Grand the New Testament World (Leiden: Brill, 1996). Rapids: Baker, 2013), 99-134.

8 SSJE The Society of Saint John the Evangelist 9 As a monk now, I get the chance to have to know and serve God and to meet Jesus at the altar every day during grow in virtue. Remember those clos- the Eucharist. Yet even as a monk, I also est to you and all for whom you have need to attune my eyes to see him in my agreed to pray, ask God’s blessings, Meeting Jesus, Every Day everyday life. How can we become aware guidance, and strength in all that lies of Jesus, who is also called Emmanuel – before you. Then, gather up these “God with us” – when we’re away from thoughts and reflections with the the altar? I want to suggest a transfor- words of the Lord’s Prayer.2 Jim Woodrum, SSJE mative practice which comes from the Or you might conclude, as I do, with monastic tradition: reserving two brief Reinhold Niebuhr’s “Serenity Prayer,” periods of prayer to act as ‘bookends’ to which is popular in 12-Step work: your day. GOD, grant me the serenity to accept In the morning, take a few moments the things I cannot change, cour- and pray forward through your day. As age to change the things I can, and imagine it was with a youthful companion I had known as a child became editor David Cobb suggests in the newly the wisdom to know the difference. twinkle in his eye that our Society’s a distant acquaintance that I would see I revised Saint Augustine’s Prayer Book: Living one day at a time; enjoying one founder, Father Benson, once wrote: once every great while (and when I did, In God’s presence, think through the moment at a time; accepting hardship “If we are to have Jesus our friend, I wasn’t quite sure what to say). Perhaps day ahead: the work you will do, the as the pathway to peace. Taking, as He we must know him to be continually you can relate. Maybe you’ve been trying people you will encounter, the dan- did, this sinful world as it is, not as I near. The companionship of Jesus! to reclaim a relationship with Jesus. Or gers or uncertainties you face, the would have it. Trusting that He will It is strange how many there are who maybe, in light of current events, you’re possibilities for joy and acts of kind- make all things right if I surrender to look forward to being with him in presently searching for a ray of hope, ness, any particular resolutions you another world, but never think of confused and disoriented at what is going need to renew. Consider what might living fellowship with him here.”1 on in this world, wondering ‘where in the 2 David Cobb, ed. Saint Augustine’s Prayer draw you from the love of God and world is Jesus in all of this?’ Book. Revised ed. (West Park, NY: Order of the I was eleven years old when I made neighbor, the opportunities you will Holy Cross/Forward Movement, 2014). my way to the front of my childhood In my own journey, I met Jesus again in church to proclaim what I already knew the same place that I had first professed to in my heart: that Jesus and I had had follow him: at the altar. Late in my high a personal relationship since before I school years, I had the opportunity to could remember. In the evangelical tra- visit an Episcopal Church one Christmas dition in which I was raised, the pastor Eve and was most struck by all the activity would always give an “altar call” before surrounding the altar during the second the final hymn: he would invite anyone half of the service. Something mysterious who wanted a personal relationship was occurring, and while I couldn’t put my with Jesus Christ to come forward and finger on it at the time, it was palpable. I stand with him as a public profession eventually joined the Episcopal Church of that desire, which was the next step and came to know and understand in the journey of faith. After I took that what was happening at the altar. It was a step myself, I always looked forward to sacrament: an outward and visible sign of that moment in the service, to see who an inward and spiritual grace. Through else might come to be friends with Jesus this sacrament, my personal relationship the way I was. with Jesus was renewed. What’s more, I Yet as I grew into an adult under- realized in this new ‘altar call’ that Jesus standing of Jesus during my own had always been with me on my journey, I journey into adulthood, the constant just hadn’t recognized him. Every time we gather around an altar to break bread and 1 Richard Meux Benson, Instructions share wine, we get a glimpse of Jesus, who on the Religious Life. 2nd ed. (Oxford: is our constant companion. On June 17, 2017, the community, family, and friends celebrated the joyful event of Br. Jim’s Profession Mowbrays, 1935). in Life Vows.

10 SSJE The Society of Saint John the Evangelist 11 A second period of prayer, at the end of the day, can help you to see how many moments throughout your day were, indeed, “an act of communion Dip Your Toes In with God.” Before you go to bed, take ten or fifteen minutes to pray backwards An Introduction to Praying through your day. You might use the five-step prayer known in Ignatian with John’s Gospel Spirituality as “The Examen”:

• Become aware of God’s Tambria E. Lee presence and ask God to bring Chaplain, The University of North Carolina clarity to the end of your day. at Chapel Hill • Review the day with gratitude, both what went well and where had no idea what to say to this the card stated simply, “I am the Light you might have come up short. I woman whose life had been changed of the World. Whoever walks with me Pay attention to the small in a moment in time. It was an accident shall not walk in darkness but shall have things. God is in the details. that happened in the midst of living the light of life” (Jn 8:12). • Pay attention to your emotions. in this world to the fullest, the con- Into this reality – and every other Ignatius says that we detect sequence of which made death seem circumstance like it – comes the unique the presence of God in our preferable. She fell on a bicycle path. voice of the Gospel According to John. His Will; that I may be reasonably emotions. What is God saying Her way back toward some semblance This is a Gospel that speaks with power- happy in this life, and supremely through these feelings? of life was impossible to fathom. ful metaphorical phrases such as “I am happy with Him forever in the next. • Choose one feature from the I stood by her hospital bed with the Light of the World.” A Gospel filled Amen. day and pray from it. Look at it. family and friends, feeling as power- with signs and symbols and wonders. “I If your experience is anything like Pray about it. Allow the prayer less spiritually as was she, physically am the bread of life. The one who eats mine, you’ll find that, over time, this way to arise spontaneously from and emotionally. Almost everything this bread shall never be hungry” (6:35). of praying in the morning will help make your heart – whether interces- was broken and much rendered A Gospel filled with opportunities for you aware of Jesus with you throughout sion, praise, repentance, or paralyzed, save the life-altering words relationship with the living God who your day. Even the empty, in-between gratitude. from Communion Under Special manifests in myriad ways. “I am the times of the day can become full of • Look forward to tomorrow. Circumstances: “I am the living bread Good Shepherd. I know my own and chances to meet him in the moment. Do all this with a posture of which came down from heaven.” “Abide my own know me” (10:11). A Gospel Father George Congreve, SSJE once gratitude knowing that all of life in me and I in you.” She said they were that knows the power of abiding. “I wrote: is a gift of God, and then close comforting words because the only am the vine and you are the branches. At times, when we have to wait and with the Lord’s Prayer.4 thing left she could do was “abide,” and Abide in me and I in you” (15:4). A have nothing to do to occupy our- the only medicine that could heal her Gospel filled with provocative and selves with,–Oh! Then it is not wasted broken limbs and nerves was the body impossible hope. “I am the Resurrection Jesus always waits for us at the altar. and blood of Jesus. and the Life” (11:25). time if we have thought of God in it, And he meets us in the sacrament of if we have looked into the face of Providentially, the card I left with The ancient Church fathers called our daily lives. He continually accom- her after we had shared communion the Gospel of John the most “spiritual” Jesus. Then anything that we do at panies us along our earthly pilgrimage, the end of such waiting times we do seemed to illustrate her spiritual land- of the Gospels for good reason. I’d like loving us and upholding us, each step of scape. It was a photograph of either to think it was because the writer was with a glory and a power to witness the way. Look for him beside you. to Jesus which is, indeed, a precious sunrise or sunset – impossible to tell trying to explain the mystery of the result. Everything should become by which – only that it was at the brink. person of Jesus. degrees an act of communion with What was visible was predominant Compared to its synoptic counter- God.3 darkness and the sun right above the parts, Matthew, Mark, and Luke, John is 4 “The Daily Examen,” horizon, lighting that darkness. She was a complicated and reflective, rather than 3 M.V. Woodgate, Father Congreve of Cowley. IgnatianSpirituality.com. Loyola Press, 2016. living in the in-between time; the not- descriptive, book. The writer seeks not London: S.P.C.K, 1956. Web. 14 Dec. 2016. knowing time. The words written inside just to relay the facts but to explain the

12 SSJE The Society of Saint John the Evangelist 13 meaning behind them. Scholars think manifestations of God’s intention and encounter in John’s Gospel as there are you will find your life of faith strength- it was composed between 80 and 110 presence. Compared to the Synoptics, words within it, images that reflect it, ened and your loyalty confirmed — no ce, and traditionally it was attributed to John’s narrative has some glaring omis- themes that drive it. One of the most matter what is before you. John, son of Zebedee, one of the original sions, particularly if the writer had compelling ways is to consider how it I have been in a thousand hospital twelve disciples. knowledge of any of the other three introduces to us the “beloved disciple.” rooms since that day long ago at Yale Tradition also suggests that, because Gospels, since he fails to mention This is he to whom the Gospel refers New Haven Hospital, when communion he knew of the other three Gospels, John Jesus’ Temptation in the Wilderness, as “the one whom Jesus loved.” This is was shared between strangers who knew decided to offer a different voice, one the Institution of the Last Supper, the disciple who is with Jesus at every not whether they were facing never- of a Jewish Christian who knew Greek the Sermon on the Mount, the Lord’s significant moment in his life (13:23-26, ending night or the dawn of a new day. well and had a profound and life-altering Prayer, and the Transfiguration. The 19:25-27, 20:1-10, 21:4-7, 21:20-23, 21:24) Whatever the case may be, it was John’s relationship with the Risen Christ. It Gospel concludes, in Brown’s character- but who is not, according to most schol- Gospel that bridged the divide between appears that the writing took place in the ization, with the Epilogue (Jn 21:1-25), ars, considered to be one of the twelve. hell and heaven and cemented the rela- Ephesus area of Turkey famous for Paul’s which offers additional resurrection A deeper understanding of the beloved tionship with the God who saw each and letter to the Ephesians and perhaps one narratives and a conclusion not found disciple opens the door for an expanding every person in that room that day – and of the few fully intact New Testament elsewhere. of our own relationship with the Word every room since – as beloved. cities left than can help fill in the blanks Each Gospel has its own unique made flesh, dwelling among us. of our biblical imagination. (See www. voice, and John’s is particularly compel- I’ve experienced this expanding rela- ephesus.us). There still stands there an ling through its use of metaphorical tionship in my life, and John’s Gospel active church dedicated to Mary the language with double meanings: temple has been central to its growth and mother of Jesus and John the beloved, and body (2:25), water and spirit (7:37- transformation. I grew up in the deep where the prayers of the faithful continue 38), lifted up and exalted (12:32). But South, where every roadside held a sign to be stuck in its walls, inside and out. perhaps the most compelling invitation for John Deere tractors and a church The great New Testament scholar of John’s Gospel is how it is rooted sign proclaiming John 3:16. Yet in my Raymond Brown divides John’s Gospel and grounded, first and foremost, in adult years, I’ve found the Gospel an into four parts. First comes the Prologue relationship. The “I AM” statements inspiration for prayer more varied than (Jn 1:1-18), which Episcopalians hear on for which the Gospel is famous hearken that I encountered as a girl. Opening the Feast of the Incarnation each year. back to Moses’ encounter with God myself to new ways of praying with John’s “In the beginning was the Word and the through the burning bush at Sinai when Gospel has been an opportunity to look Word was with God and the Word was God says “I am who I am” or “Tell the at how my image of God had changed God” (1:1-14). The next section Brown Israelites that I am sent you” (Ex 3:14). as my geography shifted and my educa- calls the Book of Signs (Jn 1:19-12:50). It These phrases capture the unfolding of tion grew. My willingness to step outside shows all the ways in which Jesus reveals mystery intrinsic to every relationship. the boundaries of more conservative himself to the world through signs and We try to articulate what it means to religion has freed God to be different as wonders. These signs and wonders are express our love by sharing a part of who well. Since then, I’ve used John’s Gospel told almost exclusively without the we are, an aspect of our identity with for lectio divina, as words found only in use of parables, which characterize the the other. For instance: I am a priest, a John’s text became talismans for my Synoptics. John’s stories depicting Jesus’ wife, a chaplain, a sister, a daughter, a prayer. I’ve explored the Gospel through life and ministry also are told over a gardener, a hiker, a friend. And so Jesus its themes of Jesus as friend, as the two-and-a-half to three-year period (as says to us: “I am the Resurrection and Way, the Truth, and the Life, the Good opposed to a one-year period in the the Life,” “I am the Good Shepherd,” “I Shepherd, the True Vine, the Bread from Synoptics). In John’s Gospel, there are am the Vinedresser,” “I am the Light of Heaven, Living Water, and so many other three journeys to Jerusalem as opposed the World,” “I am the Way, the Truth rich images. I’ve culled the Scripture for to one penultimate journey culminating and the Life,” “Before Abraham was I answers to contemporary social issues in the Passion narrative as in Matthew, am.” All of these articulations of Jesus’ such as racism or poverty. All were Mark, and Luke. According to Brown, identity invite us into relationship with means of God’s grace in that moment John’s Gospel continues into the Book Jesus and the God whose love he reveals. in time and with this most challenging of Glory (Jn 13:1-20:31), which depicts There are as many ways to strengthen of Gospels. I suspect if you are willing to Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection as our relationship with the God we dip your toes into this baptismal pool,

14 SSJE The Society of Saint John the Evangelist 15 of resolution – which I only recognized started another independent program on in retrospect – came when I discovered the side, called Hakomi, which is a very dance in 1997. At the time, I was living particular form of psychotherapy and I Become Peace in Washington, D.C., I had an intern- therapeutic approach based on mindful- ship with the Environmental Protection ness and the body. Agency, and I basically couldn’t func- It was in 2010, during a four-day A conversation about vocation tion. I was walking around in a fog. I Hakomi intensive training on “the inner with Br. Nicholas Bartoli was just so horribly depressed that I child,” that I had a spiritual experience was numb. And yet, somehow – and I which has radically shaped me and my think this was maybe God putting his entire life since then. I can’t go into it finger lightly, gently, somewhere – this in detail here, but during one of the idea came to me out of nowhere, “Hey, exercises, on June 25, 2010, I experienced maybe I should try something physical, a profound reintegration of all those an exercise class or something.” The parts of myself and my heart that had thought was like a foreign object that been closed off and contracted so many had entered my brain. years back when I was a small boy. The Then I was walking along near where experience broke me open. I might even Where did your monastic vocation begin? was traumatized from an early age. As a I lived and saw a poster in a window: describe it as a kind of mystical experi- result, I basically shut down, my heart “Dance workout.” Where the energy for ence. And the next two weeks after that My vocation didn’t start with a particular closed down completely, in an effort to this came from, given where I was at, I event were very strange; I don’t know how interest in monasticism, because when protect myself. have no idea, but I dragged myself to the else to explain it, except to say that I was I was young I didn’t know what a monk That severe contraction and closing class one day. And it was amazing. The living in this kind of thinly-veiled reality, was, or that monasticism was even a off of my heart ruined the beautiful people were lovely and welcoming. So having a lot of mystical experiences. It thing. But I do remember, as a little boy, relationship I had with myself, with I went back. I wound up totally, totally was very, very powerful, and beautiful, being intensely spiritual and interested in God, and with the world. I also divorced falling in love with modern dance, and and wonderful, and also terrifying. I God. A seed of sorts was planted really, myself from anything that even hinted in the process, discovering a way of was crying almost every day for huge really early in me. I felt a sense that walk- at spirituality or religion. I was a self- re-inhabiting my body and learning to chunks of the day – out of delight, out of ing in the light of God’s presence was my proclaimed atheist. express myself in movement. And it was gratitude. calling, that it was my vocation first and I feel like that seed – the desire for a renaissance. My brain started work- To share one instance: I go to the gym foremost, regardless of whether I became God which God planted in me – never ing a little differently, my body started and I’m on the treadmill, running. And a plumber, or a computer programmer, left. But because the sense of God’s pres- responding differently. I credit the then all of a sudden, I look out from the or whatever. ence had retreated, it wasn’t available to discovery of modern dance as being the treadmill and everybody in the gym, every When I was about six or seven, I me any longer. Eventually I went into a initial crack. single person – the old lady in the corner, remember my mom asking me, “Are you really severe depression, which lasted for There was a lot more to come. Dance the bodybuilder guy, everyone in between, looking forward to getting married one most of my life – from about second or led me to yoga, which led to yoga philos- everybody – they are glowing like a sun. day?” And I said, “I don’t think I want third grade until 2010. As I understand ophy, which brought me back around to Just glowing. I can’t even say it without to love just one person; I want to love it in retrospect, I think that my depres- things spiritual and religious. From yoga crying. Each person was infinitely beauti- everybody.” I have no idea where that sion was less of a disease in itself and I got into Buddhism, and I ended up ful, just glowing with this light. It was the came from, but I remember the conversa- more of a symptom: a symptom of my actively practicing Buddhism for quite a most beautiful thing I had ever seen. And tion. Amazingly, it has carried forward to denial of self, denial of God, denial of while. So I had a good Yoga practice, a somehow just by witnessing it, I felt like today. who I was meant to be. dedicated Buddhist practice, I was medi- I was burning up. Now, mind you, the Now the sad part of the story – I tating and learning things from that, and subject of God had not yet come up in I started to see a therapist. Eventually, my brain. But I said my first spontaneous suppose there’s always a sad part to any So what changed to crack your heart back true story – is that my temperament, open? I ended up leaving my job and moving prayer on the treadmill that day. I said, my personality, the gift from God of to Boulder, Colorado, where I started “God, I can’t take it. It’s very beautiful my being open to God’s presence, also It’s actually a very long story. Here’s the the Somatic Counseling Psychology but I can’t take it. I’m human.” And left me open to some bad teasing and short version. program at Naropa University. Soon as soon as I said that, it started to fade. after I started that program, I also Mind you, I’m this atheist, Buddhist guy. bullying. In fact, it was so horrific that I The first movement toward any kind

16 SSJE The Society of Saint John the Evangelist 17 experiences, and a new way dealing with on the shoulder to point me toward morality, and this light coming from ways I could realize that vocation. For everywhere, and this joy like God was instance, I felt called to more and more going to consume me at any minute, radical simplicity. I felt drawn toward just bursting with it. And Jason had the celibacy. It was like God had flipped perfectly appropriate response to help a switch in me. I remember sitting at me: he was totally nonplussed. And he my computer, literally about to go on started throwing out these theological match.com, and thinking, “What am I phrases: “the Christ within,” “mystical doing?” Whenever I had thought about experience,” “sharing the resurrection,” celibacy before, it had worried me to and “born again.” All of a sudden, my feel like I was giving something up. random experiences felt like they had an Suddenly it occurred to me that celibacy anchor in reality and could be a part of is actually about choosing something: my journey. choosing to take all my sexual, So Jason did a lot to normalize my emotional, intellectual energy, and experiences. And then finding a home direct it in one direction, toward God. Br. Nicholas with Jason Hays, who played a critical role in helping Nicholas to discern his vocation. in a church, and committing to it, really As I was figuring this all out, Jason helped me grow. Christianity gave me a and my spiritual director, David way to relate to all the stuff that was hap- Frenette, both suggested that I needed So that left me a little, well – as you can God was pushing me in this direction. pening in my heart. It gave me a way to the support of a community. At that imagine – off-balance, wondering what Honestly, I was pretty resistant, because talk about God. time, I was so ignorant about monasti- was going on. at the time I thought that all Christians cism, I didn’t realize that they meant a were basically conservative homophobes. Shortly after that, I found a book of monastic community. And then Jason I was wishing that it would have been a So how did this faith develop into a sense of a poetry from the Sufi mystical tradition. was more explicit. He said, “You need push to go to a Buddhist temple or an monastic vocation? I had encountered this stuff before, but to try a monastic vocation.” Ashram, or anything else. I might have it didn’t register. Now I began reading at th random one of these poems, and a spark even considered a synagogue. But the Ever since my June 25 experience, I After that, things snowballed really of recognition came into me. I realized, command was strong. only knew what God wanted for me – quickly. Jason suggested SSJE to me and it was very clear and felt like a tall because he had once expressed interest “Okay, either he was crazy in the same So, because that was the only thing I order, all at the same time: it was clear in a vocation with SSJE, so he knew way that I’m crazy, or neither one of us had to go on, I did some church shop- that God just wanted me to be present the community quite well. Once Jason is crazy, and am I falling in love with God? ping. I made the rounds of five or six in the world, in a particular way, for actually verbalized it and started talking Is this what’s happening?” I started to churches, including Quakers, Unitarian God, and out of love, sharing that love about SSJE, the idea felt like it had its read more Sufi poetry and other mysti- Universalists, a Baptist church, the Latter with everyone. That was my mission. As own life. cal poets, and realized that they were Day Saints. I was just randomly trying I grew in faith, God kept tapping me totally describing what was happening to places. But nothing seemed to really fit. I was rolling down the hill. me – everything I was experiencing. And Eventually, one Sunday, I happened that gave me a lot of comfort because across a United Church of Christ and it helped to solidify for me that, yes, went in. The whole experience was just apparently this is what God feels like. It amazing. The sermon and the pastor brought God into the picture. touched on so many points that reflected I felt like I was rolling down a hill, like this new reality I was experiencing. I was I really didn’t have control over anything. like, “Wow! Really? They talk like that At some point, I felt pushed – I felt an here? In church?” And so I stuck around. impulse – toward bringing other people After the service, I went and talked to on board to help me out with this. I a couple people. The Assistant Pastor, don’t know how else to say it, but I felt Jason, invited me out to lunch with myself called to go to a church. It was him and had a wonderfully, grounding, very powerful and it was that simple: normalizing conversation with me. I was “Find a church.” I was really shocked that boiling over with all these crazy, mystical

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I attended Saint John’s Day and stayed at the Guesthouse. At first I was a little apprehensive but as I met others attending and talked to the Brothers, I was deeply moved and blessed. The message I kept hearing This past year, Br. Nicholas served as Guest Brother at the Monastery. He is pictured here with the was not only to listen for God’s voice, but to choose to walk toward it. I Guesthouse Manager and two of the Monastic Interns who lived in the Guesthouse during 2016-17. will definitely make Saint John’s Day every year. – Jaan Sass Did you struggle with the decision at all? people. Even now, I would say that this life has a real tension between a call The only really scary thing for me was Stretch out your hands and be transformed to the desert and a call to sharing the the question of whether or not this was rmed.. nsfo .Sus fruits of the desert with others. I’ve As monastics, my Brothers and I stretch out our tra ta my life calling. I kept wondering, “Is this e in hands in prayer. We stretch out our hands to one b ed discovered that the more I feel centered d b n y where I’m going to end up?” I feel like I a another as a sign of peace. We stretch out our hands s t in the desert within my heart, the less h d was asking God for assurances, because I e n to our guests, to welcome them for worship and a k

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s S spiritual direction. We believe that we are all transformed through these . sense was basically that God was saying, “I selfless offerings. Thank you for being part of our can only tell you what’s right to do now.” lives. May Christ, who stretches out his arms of love So then I just took a deep breath, and What’s one of the greatest joys that you have in this life right now? on the hard wood of the cross continue to transform the world. – Br. James Koester, here I am. SSJE Even once I arrived, I had to surrender My greatest joy is the feeling of walking to testing my vocation, and just trusting in the light of God’s presence. There’s a SSJE is sustained by the kindness of friends whatever happens next. Once I was able lot of talk in the Bible and especially the to surrender to that, life settled into a ssje.org/support | [email protected] | (617) 876-3037 x55 Psalms about peace and joy. In my experi- rhythm and time began to move pretty ence, the greatest joy comes wrapped up quickly. Now I’m just living here, living as in peace – “the peace that passeth under- a monk, doing monk stuff. standing.” In this life, I have a sense of really profound stillness and resting, like What surprises you about living as a monk? Nicholas is letting himself totally rest in the stillness that is in the center point, I was surprised at first at how involved his heart, where Christ’s light is. That’s the wider congregation is in the life of who I truly am; it’s my real identity. Not the community. All the people who a monk or even Nicholas. Just this I-in- worship at SSJE on a regular basis, and Christ, who I truly am. And when I’m repeat guests who come on retreat, make resting in that place, my identity becomes for a larger community. That was a little alive and it feels real. And it’s not even a surprising, because my primary sense question of feeling joy or peace. In a way, of vocation felt like a call to the desert. I feel like I become joy and I become peace, When I first came here, I was expecting and that’s the greatest joy that I feel. more silence and less connection with We welcome Chris Kintzing (left), who replaces Christian Etherton as Guesthouse Manager in mid- August. Thank you Christian for welcoming our guests throughout this last year! 20 SSJE SPOTLIGHT ON their Sundaytheir best. Two Holy girlsdressed little first their made brides as children andadorable inwhich was aseaofsarisseated onthe floor here too. Ican’t explain that, except that Iwas looking into the church, congregation spilling over into the plaza in front ofthe building. Icried –butyouI’m exaggerating get the point. The place was packed,with the never seensomany saintinthe calendar. Just statues. aboutevery Well, more like a Hindu temple than any Catholic church I’ve ever seen! I’ve at the church which ofthe Sacred had aninterior Heart, that looked a town Kodaikanal, called another place.We wonderful went to Mass Yesterday leaving retreat our after we went to up top the hillsto the of humor. Like thedescriptions ofTeresa ofAvila. tually profound withaninfectious of light-hearted and sense laughand was simply as well magnificent as being absolutely delightful. Both spiri- Fr. Samy, founder the center the isboth of who master, Zen a and Jesuit a mitted thanever ameditative prayer to sustaining practice. this. I’ve never experienced anything like it before. Iam now more com really say lot whole a to time tosome me it’s going unpack because take each Ican’t hours half a sixand dayspent (seated meditation). Zazen in We peaceful. so gorgeous and itself place The absolutely breathtaking. ishing retreat Peramul inthe Zendo Bodhi atthe setting Hills.The was I’ve just returned amost to amazing after Madurai and spiritually nour Dear Brothers, January, 2017 Dispatches from India Br. atastreet market. Robert The BodhiZendointhePeramul Hills. - - Kodaikanal. Mass atthechurch in ofthe Sacred Heart time here. to,need really. Ican say All is that I have loved single minute of my every no terms. Idon’tknow ifIwillever it.Idon’tknow understand that I to live your iton own trying constantly without terms. They to seem have of much of[Anthony] deMello’s ideas about detachment andliving life mess of it all with humor and equanimity. It must have been the source are just incredible. Incredible inhow they live lives their whole inthe There isjust somuch life happening before your eyes. Andthe people can’t explainplace. I ful to thattoexplainmyself ittoyou. I won’tso try cats, andcows just helping themselves to the mess. But it is still awonder dogs, withthe itstill and people sewers open has everywhere, trash and are cities The incredibly filthy. hasover Thiscity[Madurai] million a drivers just gothrough red lightsatwill. ing along the of the edge road. Traffic lights seem to beoptional because chickens,the goats, cows,course of and dogs, aswell aspedestrians walk motorbikes,cars, rickshaws, vehicles, other and there but assorted are how absolutely chaotic is here. Because not everything only are there quiteally islike and funny traffic what of idea good gives and very a wasat fromlooking myin thefront place the driver.beside seat It’sactu- shot and camera really some hair-raising hilariously footage what I of Tonight during our cab ride home, Jamie [Coats] turned on his video ever in thatseaofwomen madeitupto thealtar andchildren. plaza to givetherebecause usourcommunion wasway no wehave could God’s presence was soevident to me there. Awoman came outinto the lights, which were allover altar, the were to began onand turned flash! justCommunion. And before Eucharist was given out,Christmas tree A visit tothe templeof Lord Shiva. – Br. L’Esperance Robert

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