The 5 Mistakes Good Christians Make Trying to Break Free from Pornography Addiction

By Tony Overbay, LMFT, CMHC, Creator of The Path Back

Thank you SO much for taking the time to download your copy of 5 Mistakes Good Christians Make Trying to Break Free from Pornography Addiction . I understand that there are many reasons why you may have downloaded this document. You may simply be curious what these 5 mistakes are? You may know someone close to you who is struggling with pornography addiction and you’re trying to understand more about their problem, or what you can do to help. But most likely you’re the one who is looking for a way to remove pornography from your life, you’re looking for a life that is free from repeatedly turning to pornography and masturbation as an escape, as a way to cope with the stressors that you encounter on a day­to­day basis.

I want you to know that I have worked with hundreds and hundreds of clients who are wonderful, regular, people who struggle with this terrible addiction, people from all walks of life. I’ve worked with mothers, fathers, teenagers, doctors, lawyers, pastors, athletes, students, TV personalities, white collar, blue collar, pornography is no respecter of persons, and gone are the days of “if” one will be exposed to pornography, we’re definitely now in a “when” situation so it is imperative that you do all that you can do to take control of your life, and put this mind­warping problem behind you once and for all.

And let me take a second to share with you that God created you with a plan to “be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the Earth.” Sexuality is part of our core, it’s a God­given gift, it’s something to be cherished, to be grateful for, we are designed to have wants and desires for closeness, for intimacy, the fact that we want to express ourselves sexually is not the problem, the problem lies with how, when and to what ends we feel the need to express ourselves. Pornography objectifies women, and men, it gives a false sense of what constitutes true intimacy, and closeness. Pornography warps sexuality, I see it in my office on a daily basis, couples arguing about purely meeting physical needs, when there is so much more to a relationship than simply sexual gratification, something that pornography offers up as an end goal, NOT nurturing a real relationship with another son or daughter of God.

And even for those not married, pornography continues to warp sexuality. One of the fastest growing populations struggling with erectile dysfunction are men between the ages of 18­25, and this is due primarily to their repeated pornography use. Their sexuality has been numbed, dulled, they constantly are looking for more and more stimulation, and often, when in a real relationship, they struggle for true connection because of the repeated images of pornography flooding their minds.

But there is HOPE, a tremendous amount of HOPE! The truth is, helping people fight their pornography addiction is a big part of my daily life as a therapist, and a HUGE reason why I created The Path Back, an online recovery program designed to help good people, like you, to overcome pornography addiction once and for all. Pornography has worked its way into all facets of life, from the shows and commercials we watch on TV, to the magazines and billboards that we see simply going to a store, or driving down the road, pornography is everywhere and for most of us, we don’t even realize the negative effects of repeated images and messages that are not looking upon our brothers and sisters as sons and daughters of God.

So again, thank you for taking the time to download this document. The simple fact that you’ve done so means that you are looking for change in your life, These 5 Mistakes may sound very familiar, you may have made one of them, or all 5 may sound familiar, but regardless, I believe that this document will shed some light on how this terrible problem is affecting the lives of God’s children.

I have compiled this list from the hundreds and hundreds of individual clients I have worked with as well as from hours spent training clergy from all types of faiths on how to work with their members to overcome the plague of pornography. Pornography is unfortunately here to stay, it’s only going to get worse. There have been efforts made by the government to regulate the pornography industry simply by adding a .xxx after a pornography site, making it easier to filter these sites from our youth, and even from ourselves, but unfortunately those efforts have been in vain. The pornography industry is a behemoth, the money coming in is in the billions of dollars, it truly isn’t going away anytime soon.

So we need to put on the full armour of God, we need to prepare ourselves for battle now, and for the battles to come, because the simple fact is that pornography ruins lives, it ruins self­esteem, it ruins relationships, marriages, it causes depression, it warps sexuality, it leads to objectification of God’s sons and daughters, we have to find ways to overcome this plague and to be tools in the Lord’s hands, to help His sons and daughters overcome the dangers of pornography as well.

And let me be upfront, and honest, this document was created to help you, but this document is only a small portion of the information contained in my online pornography recovery program called The Path Back. I want you to get information from this document that can help you in your journey to recovery, but make no mistake, this document is going to reference my program, The Path Back, because The Path Back is a faith­based program using the very latest in scientific data on habit change, combined with the inspiring words of Jesus Christ, to help you rid yourself from this detrimental habit once and for all.

I had a very highly successful career as a software executive for over a decade when I felt called to go back to school, get my master’s degree in counseling, and start down the very long road of becoming a licensed marriage and family therapist, and that call was specifically to work with men, and men’s issues. I truly believe that God kept me afloat during that period as I was working a full time job by day, and juggling graduate school, marriage, 4 young children and church service on top of that. I know that God helped me make the most of my time, He helped me on numerous occasions to be able to complete my studies while still juggling the rest of my life and graduate with a Master’s of Counseling with a 3.92 GPA (one A­, and yes, I’m still slightly bitter about that :­)

But seriously, I highly recommend that you take a long look at The Path Back to help you overcome the problem of pornography addiction, whether it’s for you, or for somebody close to you, or if you’re clergy, for somebody in your congregation. And let me throw this out there, I do a lot of speaking on this topic, a lot of training, and I am open to speaking to your church, group, club, I am passionate about helping people overcome this plague and giving them tools to implement in their lives to get them back on The Path Back to the life they always dreamed of living. If you’re interested in having me speak, please contact me at contact@pathbackrecovery .com .

And let me be clear, I want to hear about the mistakes that YOU have made that aren’t a part of this document. Please contact me at contact@pathbackrecovery .com and let me know what you have tried to do to overcome turning to pornography and masturbation, I want to hear what hasn’t worked, as well as what has worked, even if only for a short time.

So let me begin by sharing one of my favorite scriptures, it’s one that doesn’t get a lot of play as many that you typically hear, it’s not one that you’ll see being held up on a poster in the end zone of a football game, or you won’t see it emblazoned on the rim of a soft drink cup at a popular fast food restaurant, but I believe the impact will be great. This scripture comes from Jeremiah 29:11, “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’”.

What a message of hope! The Lord has a plan for you, individually for YOU! He will be there for you, he wants to prosper you, NOT to harm you, and he has plans to give you a hope and a future. I want to testify to you that the hope, and the future will come as you rid yourself of pornography once and for all.

Before we get to the mistakes, let me just briefly share a few eye­opening facts about the pornography industry, because it’s important to know what we’re fighting against, I don’t want this information to scare you, but I want it to motivate you, I want it to help you understand how hard this industry is fighting to get you to become one of its millions of slaves, because with that understanding I want you to realize how important it is to fight back!

Here are a few eye opening facts about the pornography industry:

● There are over 68 million daily searches for pornography in the United States. That’s 25% of all daily searches (IFR, 2006). ● The sex industry is the largest and most profitable industry in the world (Andersson et al, 2013). ● In 2010, 13% of global web searches were for sexual content. This does not include P2P downloads and torrents (Ogas & Gaddam). ● One of the pornography “tube” sites that I won’t mention ­ because I don’t want to give them any press ­ receives over 1.68 million visits per hour (Pxxxxxx, 2013). ● Globally “teen” is the most searched term. A Google Trends analysis indicates that searches for “teen porn” have more than tripled between 2005­2013, and “teen porn” was the fastest­growing genre over this period. Total searches for teen­related pornography reached an estimated 500,000 daily in March 2013, far larger than other genres, representing approximately one­third of total daily searches for pornographic web sites (Dines, 2013). ● The United States is the top producer of pornographic DVDs and web material; the second largest is Germany. They each produce in excess of 400 pornography films for DVD every week. ● Internet pornography in the UK receives more traffic than social networks, shopping, news and media, email, finance, gaming, and travel (Arthur, 2013). ● Several recent studies have found that teenagers around the world report using pornography to gain information about real life sex (Lauzus et al, 2007), (Wade et al, 2005), (Flood, 2009), (Giordano & Ross, 2012). That’s beyond sad, because pornography is not the real world! ● Every 39 minutes, a new pornography film is created in the United States. ● 20% of American men admit they access pornography at work. ● 70% of all Internet pornography traffic occurs during workdays (9am – 5pm) (Sex Tracker, 2012). ● In the U.S., 2/3 of human resource professionals have found pornography on employees’ work computers (Paintbottle, 2013). ● A recent study found that seven out of ten youth have been unwillingly exposed to pornography in the United States (Carroll et al, 2008). ● Children, as young as 11 years old, are regularly accessing hard­core gonzo pornography (IFR, 2006). ● Following first exposure, the largest consumer group of Internet pornography is boys between the ages of 8­11. ● 88.2% of top rated pornography scenes contain aggressive acts. ● In 70% of occurrences, a man is the perpetrator of the aggression; 94% of the time, the act is directed towards a woman. ● Only 9.9% of the top selling scenes analyzed contained behaviors such as kissing, laughing, caressing, or verbal compliments. ● Open­hand slapping occurs in 41.1% of scenes. ● Sex depicted in pornography movies generally focuses on men’s sexual pleasure and orgasm, rather than equally that of women’s (Bridges and Wosnitzer, 2007). ● Approximately 20% of all Internet pornography is child sexual abuse (National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, 2013).

I could go on and on with even more facts about the industry that would break your heart. I have worked with clients who have worked in the industry and their tales are heart wrenching. But there is hope, there is SO MUCH HOPE. I have watched many, many people go from acting out daily, sometimes even multiple times daily get to a place where they no longer feel the need to act out at all. I have worked with people too numerous to count who truly feel like they have had a mighty change of heart, one so strong that they no longer feel that tug toward pornography. Yes, it takes work, but I have designed The Path Back to be a strength­based program that will give you hope from the very beginning, and by the end of the program you will definitely be a changed person.

So let’s get to it, here are the 5 mistakes that I believe good Christian men and women make when trying to break free from pornography.

Myth #1, I can pray away my addiction.

One of the first things I hear from my one­on­one clients is that they have spent hours and hours on their knees in prayer, praying for God to remove this addiction from them, to help them stop the train of guilt, self­loathing, and feeling unworthy to truly feel the love of God only to find themselves back in front of the computer, or on their phones, giving in to their carnal desires, completely powerless to the allure of pixels, all the while damaging their relationships with the actual people in their lives and damaging their relationship with God, their Father.

Make no mistake, prayer is wonderful, it is essential, prayer is the opportunity to talk directly with your Heavenly Father. Prayer is the way to express your gratitude to God for the wonderful blessings that he has bestowed upon you, and those you love. When you pray, you ask God to bless you with the things that he sees that you need, and while it is important, even essential, to ask your Heavenly Father to bless you with the specific things that you request, know ultimately that our prayers will be answered according to God’s will. But we need to understand, to believe, that ultimately God will be there for us, he will help us, he will not give us more than we can take.

Prayer needs to be part of a daily program of actions and behaviors that you’ll learn about in The Path Back system, but prayer is only one piece of a multifaceted plan. The Path Back will help you clearly identify the triggers, or the things, beliefs, and situations in your life that lead you toward this dangerous, self­esteem sucking addiction. The truth is, your triggers are biologically hardwired, and The Path Back will give you clear, evidence based solutions developed on the latest in scientific research on habit change, while drawing from the inspiring words of God, to help you overcome this addiction once and for all. To once again make things right with God, and with yourself.

God has given you a powerful brain, it can be your greatest strength, or your biggest enemy. God has given you the ability to learn, to reason, to make choices, both good and bad. I know there are times that you wish He would just eliminate all of the bad from the world, like this addiction that has caused you so much sorrow, and pain, often leaving you feeling broken, unworthy, like there’s no hope. But I am here to testify to you that there is hope, and while you may not be able to pray your addiction away, you must believe that your prayers are answered, maybe not with the answer that you were looking for, but He does hear your prayers, and He does answer them, and He wants you to find hope, and happiness. But He needs you to DO something, His answer requires effort. You may not feel like you have it in you to change, that is what this horrible addiction will do to you, but that is where the blessings of the Atonement come into play. The Lord helps those who help themselves. You have to help yourself, to do your best, and I understand that your best, right at this moment, might not be something that you’re proud of, but place your efforts on the altar, and let God make up the difference, let Him BE the difference.

The Path Back is for those who are ready to help themselves. I have many, many clients who have said that they now realize that The Path Back WAS the answer to prayer. You’re here now, prayer has worked, only the answer wasn’t exactly what you thought it would be. Prayer DID bring you an answer, and that answer was to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT! Use that brain, the gifts and talents that you have been blessed with, to take action.

In Matthew 7:7 we read, “Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you.” The door is open now, I pray that you will have the courage to walk through that door and take back your life.

Myth #2 I have tried and failed to quit viewing pornography so many times, I’m sure God has given up on me.

In Paul’s letter to the Philippians, he wrote “God is the one who began this good work in you, and I am certain that he won’t stop before it is complete on the day that Christ Jesus returns.” (1:6).

Pornorgraphy addiction demoralizes good men and women. It robs them of their hope, their power, their families, their jobs, their sexuality, their self­esteem, and their relationships with the very God that gave them life. But it is absolutely imperative to understand, and to believe, that God will never, ever give up on you. This must be etched into your heart. The lack of hope, the loss of self­esteem, these are part of your core, automatic negative beliefs that rise to the surface of your brain whenever you relapse, or even when you may simply feel tempted, or whenever you feel like you can’t stop looking at pornography and acting out sexually. You MUST understand where these automatic negative thoughts come from, how they affect your life, and how to overcome them, and The Path Back will take you on a journey to discover, deal with, and overcome all of your negative core beliefs, and help you start to glimpse a life that you had all but given up on. A life free from this addiction.

When Christ was on the cross, in his very lowest hour, he cried out, “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.” Through the Atonement and Resurrection of our Savior, Jesus Christ, not simply a man, but the Savior of the world, YOUR Savior, all are invited to “Come to me,” not some, not just those who have this addiction clearly behind them, or those who appear not to struggle with pornography addiction and compulsive sexual behavior, but “all you who are weary and burdened,” and this addiction is a HUGE burden, “and I will give you rest.” Our God will not forsake you, He will not leave you, he is simply waiting for you to take the steps that you need to take to allow him to work miracles in your life! The Path Back is a huge step toward lifting that burden. Take action, point your feet squarely on The Path Back to becoming the person who you always dreamed of becoming, the person that God wants you to become, NEEDS you to become so that you can help Him attack this plague that has robbed you of so much from your life.

Myth number 2 can be eliminated quickly by understanding that God will never give up on you, now take action for your life! The Path Back will help you understand where this negative self­talk originated and how to overcome it. When you find yourself thinking that God has given up on you, the Path Back will give you tools to understand that’s the absolute WRONG THOUGHT, and how to quickly move to the RIGHT THOUGHT that will help you continue to move forward.

Myth #3 I’m strong enough to get through this on my own.

I know you’re strong, I’m sure right now there are many times you can think of where you were able to succeed when you were on the brink of failure. I know that there have been times in your life that you cling to where you felt truly in control of your life. And I know that you’re saying to yourself that you should be able to beat this addiction on your own, you just haven’t been able to put together that perfect plan, you’re waiting for that “aha” moment to kick in, for somebody to tell you something that you haven’t heard before, something that makes more sense to you, something that you’re confident will help you reclaim your power, your life, and put this addiction behind you.

How long are you going to wait for that “aha” moment? I’m guessing that you’ve had those aha moments already, but that when that solution didn’t work, well, then it was obviously a problem with THAT solution, or THAT preacher, because you know that if you just channel that energy that you put into getting through school, or training for a particular race, if you just took this problem a little bit more seriously THEN you’ll be able to put it behind you.

How long are you going to keep telling yourself this story? You’re NOT strong enough to get through this on your own and guess what? That’s OK? There are thousands and thousands of men who have already trodden this same path and it’s humbling to look at yourself in the mirror and say, “I need help!” But that is where the healing begins! THAT is when you finally take a step back on the path back to taking control of your life. In Matthew chapter 18, verse 4, we read that “Whoever humbles himself like a child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven.” Why? Because a child is teachable, a child recognizes the love that their Heavenly Father has for them. A child turns toward those who are trying to help. It’s time for you to humble yourself like a child and turn toward the Lord, because it is with HIS help that you can, and you will overcome this problem. The Path Back is a system that will help you understand WHY you have had such a difficult time taking ownership in your role is this addiction, but guess what? You will not only understand the role you’ve played, but even better, you’ll use that knowledge to overcome the stumbling blocks that have stood in the way of you creating a greater, more fulfilling life! You’ll actually learn techniques that will help you turn what you’ve believed were weaknesses that will be with you through the eternities into STRENGTHS!

You can remove myth number 3 from your life by understanding that it’s OK to seek help, it’s OK to turn to God, or your brothers and sisters for help. The Path Back is a program designed to help you, and you will be able to work with other people on The Path for additional strength if you would like.

Myth #4 I’m already reading everything I can on the internet about this problem and/or I’m attending a 12­step meeting, I’m sure it will all come together soon.

No doubt you’ve been trying hard to fight this horrible addiction, this addiction that robs you of your confidence, your self­esteem, and in many cases, your friends, family, your career, and your relationship with God. Waiting for tomorrow for everything to come together, to be able to finally put this behind you, has not only NOT worked, but it has actually further perpetuated the problem, because every time you have another “that’s the last time” moment, you’re doing a number to your subconscious, further deepening the guilt and shame that keep this addiction thriving. Even moreso the more we learn about how the brain works with addiction, the more we understand that every time you turn to pornography to cope, or to check out, and then you finish a porngraphy binge with masturbation you are solidifying the addiction cycle by releasing the “feel good” chemicals of the brain “tricking” your brain into believing that pornography is the answer to the stressors of life, not telling you the true story of how it impacts you, and your relationships.

Pornography causes people to withdraw, to isolate, to live with a constant feelings of guilt, and shame. Most people don’t even realize how toxic this underlying “hum” of shame is to their overall well being until they have kicked this horrible problem from their lives. So I know you’ve read articles, blogs, books, each time looking for something new, something different, something that will make this all go away. But the fact is, it hasn’t gone away, and that’s why you’re here. The Path Back combines the latest in scientific research on habit change, on how the brain work, with the Gospel, or Good News, of Christ, to show you specific tools on how to once and for all break free from the bonds of pornography addiction and compulsive sexual behavior.

And 12 step meetings are fine, they can provide you with examples of people who have had some success in overcoming their addictions, but the relapse rate in most 12­step programs is high. I want you to have the very best tools in your arsenal because you are in fact, going to war against the adversary, the pornography industry, even your own brain, and this is a war that you must win! Again, make no mistake, 12­step programs can be a useful tool of recovery, you may find a sponsor who will hold you to some accountability, and the program can add much­needed structure in your life, but at the end of the day, the 12 step model has its weaknesses as well. The Path Back will help you understand what you are dealing with, how it got started, we’ll identify your negative self­talk and destructive patterns, and you’ll learn how to turn weaknesses into your strengths WHILE providing structure to your life, discovering unrealized hopes and dreams with access to other people who are on the journey as well who can assist, empathize and motivate.

Myth #5 I don’t look at pornograpy that often, so I really don’t think it’s a big deal, it’s not like I look at it every day, I don’t think it’s really affecting me in a negative way.

It IS a big deal, I don’t care what popular culture, people on the internet, even many of the “experts” might say, pornography is warping your sexuality. Watching pornography even in small doses changes your brain. When you watch pornography you are objectifying sons and daughters of God, they become mere objects that satisfy your lust, your carnal desires, they are no longer people, and trust me, that carries over into your life. The Path Back specifically addresses how pornography bleeds into your everyday life, causing you to view women as merely body parts, and not for the individuals that they truly are, children of God, your brothers and sisters, people of worth.

The next time that you’re out in a crowded area truly sit back and be aware, aware of the thoughts going through you mind, ALL of them, the good thoughts, the negative thoughts. I’m fairly confident that at some point a member of the opposite sex will walk by and without even realizing, you’re viewing them purely for their body parts. Yes, there is a natural attraction, the casual glance, unknowing look, even a look without the purest of intentions can happen to all of us, but it’s where your mind goes next. Do you look back again, and again. Are you trying to make eye contact with the person, in hopes that they’ll actually appreciate you objectifying them and they’ll want to interact with you? Even that type of thought is an example of what pornography has done to your brain. Trust me, I have worked with hundreds and hundreds of men, and as a couples therapist, with hundreds and hundreds of couples and routinely I hear that women DO NOT find men’s objectifying, or dressing them down, appealing.

The Path Back will help you use your biologically hard wired triggers to actually create positive actions moving forward. It will help you transform your sexual energy that you are expressing through unhealthy habits like objectification into creating the life that God has always intended for you, a life full of purpose, full of goals that you lost sight of long ago which drove you into a pattern of isolation, negative self­talk and reaching for unhealthy coping mechanisms like pornography, and objectification, to check out from life. You’re just a few clicks away from starting your journey on the Path Back to the life that you thought wasn’t even a possibility anymore, a life that is VOID of feeling the need to indulge in pornography even on occasion, so sign up today! http://www.pathbackrecovery.com http://www.thepathback.org

About Tony

Tony Overbay is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (CA LMFT #92443), a Certified Mindful Habit Coach (CHMC), a podcast host, and popular motivational speaker with a private practice in Northern California. Tony regularly speaks at corporate training events, schools, and churches in formal and casual settings mixing humor, clinical experience, his Christian faith, and a wealth of personal stories gleaned from years of helping others achieve their goals. Once a promising baseball prospect, Tony was run over by a 28 foot dual prop ski boat shortly after his senior year of high school, both of his legs receiving significant damage from the prop of the boat, he still carries the prop scars some 30 years later. Tony was told that he would regain the ability to walk, but that he would never be able to run quickly, or for distance as an adult. Tony has since run over 150 marathons and ultra­marathons (distances of over 26.2 miles) including the Boston Marathon and several races of 100 miles or more including the famed Western States 100 Mile Endurance Run 3 times. Tony started a fundraiser in his community 7 years ago where he runs around a track for 24 hours to raise money for local schools and he speaks to the schools about fitness, and goal setting.

You can contact Tony about speaking to your group, or about interviewing him for your podcast, show, or project at contact@pathbackrecovery .com .