The student ‘news’paper of Imperial College London

Guardian Student Newspaper of the Year 2006, 2008

Issue 1,424 Friday 13 February 2009 felixonline.co.uk

felix Inside Science - Biofuels fail on Sir Roy will environment seefelix interviews Siryou Roy Anderson andnow finds out about his days as a rugby player at Imperial, as well as how the place has changed since his time. See pages 4 & 5 Page 12

Feature - RAG Week

Pages 14-15

Travel - Franz Josef Glacier

Page 21

Clubs and Socs - What Women Want & Mega Maalai om Robe r ts

Photo by T by Photo Page 33-35 2 felix Friday 13 February 2009 Friday 13 February 2009 felix 3 News News Editor – Kadhim Shubber [email protected] A quick revisit of previous rectors Th e student ‘news’paper of Imperial College London Afonso Campos and Jovan Nedić take you back in time and explore Imperial’s rectors over the last

Issue 1,399 Friday 7 March 2008 100 years. Thanks go to College for providing pictures and information. felixonline.co.uk Nominations openInside Henry T. Bovey [1908-1910] Sir Alfred Keogh [1910-1922] With five sabbatical positions open this year, Monday’s Aopening Geek Idol – The Results The first rector of Imperial College was unsure Keogh studied at Queen’s College Galway. As a whether or not to take office given his deterio- surgeon, he became appointed Director General of nominations marks the beginning of 2009’s Union Elections rating health. Upon accepting his appointment of the Army Medical Service until taking office at felix in 1908 the severity of the situation led to his Imperial College. Dan Wan resignation. Given his progressive views on the role of wom- He was educated at Cambridge where he be- en in academia, he was instrumental in creating a The yearly process of electing UnionGoodFelix employs C&G Hitluck! Squad to pie winning Sabbatical Election Pages 4 to 7 came a talented structural engineer. His promi- women’s association for students and staff at Im- sabbatical positions is to commence,candidates. If you’re wondering where the other two are, see page 3 nence led him to become the Chair of Engi- perial College. Terrorism and the neering at McGill University in Canada. He was In 1967 one of the College’s residence halls was once again, next week. The nomina- global economy tion window for Union Sabbatical and remembered for his incredible vision. named after him. Student Trustee positions opens on Monday the 16th of February. 2009 Sir Thomas H. Holland [1922-1929] Sir Henry T. Tizard [1929-1942] will be the first year that five sabbati- cal positions are to be filled. Previous Sir Thomas Holland was awarded a Scholar- Tizard became Rector of Imperial in 1929 and was ship to study at the Royal College of Science, influential in shaping the College of today. He rec- years have seen only four with Deputy Page 18 President for Education and Welfare now a constituent of Imperial College, where ognised the need for expansion purchasing land at being split into two roles, Deputy Pres- he graduated from with a degree in Geology. Harlington for use as a sports ground and helped Celebrating He was a great driving force behind the asso- secure Silwood Park as the College’s field station. ident for (you guessed it) Education celebrity Union seeking feedback on and Deputy President for (you guessed ciation of Imperial College with the University He was also instrumental in creating today’s South right again) Welfare. of London. Kensington Campus. Outspoken and warm with a Other positions available for the next clubs & societies provision The Staff and postgraduate bar on Campus, caustic wit, he is remembered for spending nights academic year include Deputy Presi- The Holland Club, remains as a tribute to his at the College during the war, playing snooker and dent for Finances and Services, Deputy Imperial College Union are continu- a member of a club or society?’ The memory. billiards, and chatting to members of staff. President for Clubs and Societies, Felix ingPage their 20 series of surveys on student survey looks to find the reasons for Editor and four Student Trustees. But The winners of last years Sabbatical election getting hit by the C&G opinion by turning their attentions to this as well as collating more detailed Sir Richard Southwell [1942-1948] Sir Roderic M. Hill [1948-1954] if you feel like sitting on top of the pile, Hit Squad during RAG Week Bottle returnsclubs to IC and societies. The Union cur- information about the opinions of the prestigious position of Imperial rently provides support in the run- current club members and also club In 1942 he joined Imperial College as Rector, re- Air Chief Marshall Sir Roderic Hill Rector of Impe- College Union President is also open ning of over 300 different clubs with officers. tiring in 1948. Whilst at Imperial he continued rial in 1948 upon his retirement from the RAF and to nomination. Elected Sabbaticals will manifesto by Friday the 6th of March, announced on the 18th of March. recently added clubs including Balloon The results will help the Union im- his research interests in the Engineering sci- gave great consideration to the sciences of which take a paid year out of their studies to and attending official Union Hustings Early indications show that many of Making. prove the services offered to the clubs ences, but also gave time to students. Given his he knew little. dedication it was only natural that Selkirk Hall, a Charming and energetic, he saw the need for become integral parts of the Union. within the two weeks. Hustings are a the nominees are looking to take the AccordingPages 44 & 45 to the Union over 12,000 and their members as well as highlight- Any current student of Imperial Col- chance for candidates to argue their natural step up from non-Sabattical memberships have been purchased ing areas where non-members can be new student residence was named after him. students to gain a rounded education, introduc- lege can nominate themselves for any case why they’d be ideal for the posi- positions this year within faculty un- this year, already surpassing last year’s encouraged to get involved. ing the music recitals and arts lectures still held at of these nine positions. If you’re in- tion, and hence why the student body ions such as RCSU and CGCU. Cur- total of 12,280. Yet these member- You can take part in the survey by lunch times at South Kensington Campus. Hill was terested in running, simply log onto should vote for each of them. Hustings rent CSC Chairs are also said to be ships are only held by just over half going to www.imperialcollegeunion. appointed to a post his father had also held, Vice www.union.ac.uk/vote and nominate is also a chance for these voters to ask considering running for positions. the student population of Imperial, org/survey. Two randomly selected Chancellor of London University, in 1953. yourself. Once confirmed as a nomi- the candidates the burning questions Early nominee Charles Murdoch has which begs the question, ‘Why don’t people who complete the survey will nee, you will need 20 other current that they may have. been reported to be mulling over the the other half of Imperial want to be win an iPod Nano! Sir Patrick Linstead [1954-1966] Sir Owen Saunders [1966-1967] students to ‘second’. These may be your Voters can decide on their choices decision to run for all five sabbatical friends or otherwise, but once you from the relevant candidate exposure positions this year. College bookmak- During Linstead’s tenure much of the campus Saunders joined Imperial as Lecturer in the Depart- have 20 ‘seconds’ from 20 people who through felix, Live! (cgcu.live.net), stoic ers give him early odds of winning was rebuilt and in the early 1960s, the Empire ment of Mechanical Engineering in 1932. Saunders think you worthy of running, you can tv and on-campus presence. On 13th of any of these positions 1-799 and 1-11 An error was made in last weeks issue of felix [Issue 1422] in the was giving way to the new Commonwealth. was the Dean of the City and Guilds College and be confirmed as a candidate for one of March, when candidate’s faces will be chance of being thrown out of College article entitled “Sabbs take Snow Day”. The article read that the This caused him to consider changing Impe- Pro Rector between 1964–66. the positions available. firmly stuck in our subconscious and by the end of the year anyway. DPEW and DPCS were nowhere to be seen when in fact the DPCS rial’s name, but was implored not to by former He became Acting Rector following the sudden The window for nominations lasts our bellies full of free Haribo, the vot- If you want to stand for any of Lily Topham was in the Student Activity Centre or in meetings for the students. He foresaw Imperial’s eventual depar- death of Sir Patrick Linstead in 1966. He went on to roughly two weeks and will close on ing window opens. Five days are given, the positions, nominations open on whole day. ture from the University of London in July 2007, become Vice Chancellor of the University of Lon- Sunday 1st March. Candidates then and every Imperial student should Monday, and felix will be guiding The article should have read DPFS, as Christian Carter, who lives in writing that Imperial’s ‘importance in the educa- don in 1967. have around two weeks to campaign have voted by 17th of March. Imperial you through each Sabbatical posi- Southside, was nowhere to be seen. tional scene is not reflected in the practices and across campus, or as some previ- College do not have to wait too long tion next week. For information, and felix apologises for the error made and giving out the wrong im- procedures of the university’. ous candidates have chosen, not to. for the results, and will be in marginal where to put yourself forward, log pression about the DPCS. A campaign will involve producing a suspense for only a day as results are onto www.union.ac.uk/elections09. The Rt Hon. Lord Penney [1967-1973] The Rt Hon. Lord Flowers [1973-1985] Although Penney was a successful leader, he Appointed in 1973 Flowers held the post until 1985. felt this was a difficult time for university admin- He was a founder member of the Social Demo- Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London istration. He did not leave any personal papers, cratic Party. Two halls of residence at Silwood Park SW7 2BB. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. deciding to burn his collection shortly before he Campus have been named after him and his wife, Printed by The Harmsworth Printing Ltd, 17 Brest died. Once finished at Imperial, Penney worked Mary, who played a great part in maintaining the felix 1,424 Road, Derriford, Plymouth. Registered newspaper on the development of the combined Allied and very close relationship that the Flowers had with ISSN 1040-0711. Copyright © Felix 2009. British atomic bombs. He continued to work in students and staff during their time at the College. Friday 13/02/09 the nuclear industry after the war and became The year 2000 saw the opening of a multidiscipli- a board member of the newly formed United nary life sciences research facility named the Flow- felix was brought to you by: Kingdom Atomic Energy Authority. ers Building. Editor in Chief: Jovan Nedić Deputy Editor: Kadhim Shubber Associate Editor: Gilead Amit Sir Eric A. Ash [1985-1993] The Lord Oxburgh [1993-2000] LOLCATZ Copy Editors Business Editor What’s On Editors Sir Eric Ash came to Britain to escape Nazi Ger- He created the Imperial College School of Medicine Louise Etheridge Luke Dhanoa Rachel D’oliviero many in 1938 and came to study at Imperial Col- through mergers with the National Heart and Lung Jonathan Lloyd-Williams Lily Topham lege. Ash became Rector of Imperial in 1985, Institute (1995), the Charing Cross and Westmin- Zoë Dobell Film Editors retiring in 1993. One of the legacies of his time ster Medical School and the Royal Postgraduate Sasha Nicoletti Zuzanna Blaszczak Travel Editor was the expansion of Imperial into the realm of Medical School (1997) and the Kennedy Institute Dina Ismail Jonathan Dakin Dylan Lowe medicine with the merger of St Mary’s Hospi- of Rheumatology (2000). He was made a life peer Daria Nakariakova tal Medical School with the College in 1988. He in 1999 as Lord Oxburgh of Liverpool and is active Food Editors Nightlife Editor felt that bringing in medical students was also a in the House of Lords on Science issues as Chair-

Politics Editors: Rosie Grayburn Catherine Jones o f t he W EE K way of raising the number of women students, man of the Select Committee on Science. James Goldsack Afonso Campos something he felt was very necessary. Katya-yani Vyas Puzzles Guru Technology Editor George Charles Murdoch Sir Richard Sykes [2001-2008] Science Editors Richard Lai Mićo Tatalović Clubs and Socs Editor Sir Richard Sykes was Rector of Imperial College London from January 2001 to June Daniel Burrows Music Editors Alice Rowlands 2008. Many saw him as a businessman, streamlining a lot of the management services Peter Sinclair in Imperial, which included abolishing the old City and Guilds College and Royal Col- TURN OVER TO Arts Editors James Houghton Sports Editors lege of Science to create a Faculty of Engineering and Faculty of Natural and Life Sci- Caz Knight Alex Ashford Jack Cornish ences, much to the annoyance of prior students. David Wan Mustapher Botchway However the business attitude did have its advantages as Imperial rose to 5th in the MEET THE NEWEST Emily Wilson Fashion Editor World as well as ensuring that the College was financially secure for years to come. Dan Paw Photography One of the biggest shortcomings of his time however, was the falling student satis- RECTOR International Editor Sami Michaels faction level, something that many believe is the reason for Imperial not performing Hassan Joudi Coffee Break Editor Tom Roberts better. Raphael Houdmont Ravi Pall 4 felix Friday 13 February 2009 Friday 13 February 2009 felix 5

The Rector and his legacy Everyone, meet the felix Each Rector has managed to leave behind some legacy once they had finished. Your predecessor, Sir Richard Sykes, seemed to focus on the business side of things which saw the Imperial management structure restructured as well as seeing Imperial rise to 5th in the world. However, student welfare took a big hit with many commenting on the low student satisfaction levels every year. What do you new Rector plan to do to improve this? Sir Roy Anderson FRS is the 14th in a long line of illustrious Rector and, quite often, ground-breaking rectors of Imperial College Well first of all let’s look at the student satisfaction ratings as scientists. In a sample size of 180 and a student population of 12,000 using your knowledge of statistics would you believe that? It wasn’t even London. Like a few of his predecessors, Sir Roy was a student a random sample it was a submitted sample! So that survey that is done is probably meaningless. Now I’ve spoken to Jenny Morgan about it, and what I hope I’ve encouraged Jenny to do because we are himself at Imperial back in 1960’s, and felix asked Sir Roy very happy to pay for that, is that I want a proper survey of Imperial students which is a large sample what it was like back then and about the changes that have and have structured interviews as well as random questions so that we can find out how to improve “It’s extraordinary about the the student experience here. To be honest I think your experience is better than mine because the facili- occurred since. As he points out, Jovan Nedić and Tom ties you have here are better, the gymnasium is one example, but I also think of the library which is 24 Union Bar, almost as if it hasn’t hours seven days a week, boy would I have liked that! I am committed to improving the quality of the are no John Humphrys or Jeremy Paxmans, but we student experience. Roberts been touched!” gave it our best shot! We are an international business, we are in the worlds top ten, and as one of those who are attracting “The only way to displace Oxford the world’s best students we have to provide a facility that is of that quality. We’re also in a nice bit of London too, with Hyde Park next door and museums within walking distance, it is a bit expensive, but and Cambridge is to focus on it is a damn sight better then where the London School of Economics and University College London His time as a student are. This place has the attractions that would rival Oxford and Cambridge easily in terms of theatres quality” and museums and so on. So all that one needs to do is to focus on our local environment here, and try and make that as good as possible. You’ve got to have a focus for the college, in by day it used to be Rector Beit Quadrangle, but now it’s around the Queen’s Tower and I want to alter that whole environment to I arrived in October to stay in Falmouth Hall to study Zoology. Imperial was a very different place back make it much more student friendly. I want to put in incubator structures so that students can see the then, number one. The student and staff population were predominantly UK and coming back to this interface between scientific knowledge and training and generating spin-off companies. So focusing on campus, what strikes me now is how hugely international the place is, and also how much the gender The changing face of Imperial this environment is a legacy that I want to leave behind, which such structures as the new £300 million balance has changed which is mainly due to the medical school, but even in subjects such as engineer- Faculty of Engineering building. ing the number of females has increased. College and Accommodation Second issue, and this is a difficult one, in a sense that we are as good as the quality of our staff and But I think also the social side is a lot more sophisticated than it used to be. In my student days, and students, on a research front we are as good as the quality of our staff and our postgraduate students, this may reflect hugely on me more than anything else, but it was about bars and it was the Union Bar and one needs to make that a slightly less pressurised, more space environment to think an innovate. predominantly. I was a very keen rugby player, as well as athletics, but rugby took out most of my week, felix I’m so conscious with my own career as well as other scientists, but having time to think where you with Monday evening, Wednesday afternoon, Thursday lunchtime and Saturday afternoon all taken up You have already mentioned that when you came back to Imperial are not constantly pressurised with performance matrix with such things as ‘You’ve got to get 10 pa- by it. We also had a fixture list that included teams who were 1sts or 2nds from the top London clubs, you noticed a lot of change. What would you say is the biggest pers published’ or ‘You need to get three research grants’. So the only way we are going to rise up such as London Irish and London Welsh, so it was a very good fixture list. We used to put out 10 teams change that has happened since your time? the league table and displace Oxford and Cambridge is to focus on quality of the publications that we a week and postgraduates were recruited in certain departments for their rugby ability. produce. One of my tasks are to try and facilitate this. Rector felix Probably the quality of the physical build and the environment. I felix So back then they did have a similar scheme to what Oxford and Cambridge have now, where they think Sir Richard and prior to that Lord Oxburgh, did a lot to have So would you say that you are actively seeking to climb above Oxford and Cambridge? bring in players for various sports? major new capitol build projects in term of Sir Alexander Fleming building for example. And there is a very trivial reason why we are able to do that and that is the endowment fund that was set up. Rector Rector Touch wood, and with a bit of luck, we’ll be able to sustain the major Oxford is certainly doable. It wasn’t quite as crude as that. They had to have the academic qualifications first before they could capitol builds through the current economic crisis. play. But the other club that I was highly involved in was with the exploration society who organised felix trips to the Amazon and such like. felix Not Cambridge? Now the social side, because the gender balance was so horrendous, it very much involved going to Eastside is due to finish next term, how is that going? one of the other colleges. Queen Elizabeth’s College was up in Kensington at the time that had a much Rector Sir Roy Anderson appearing in greater proportion of female students than at Imperial back then, so the social life was much better Rector Cambridge is very good. The reason we have a chance of doing it is a very odd one. Imperial’s structure outside the College than in, unless of course you were part of one of the sports teams. What strikes me We are actually ahead of schedule. A lot of lessons were learnt from is very much like a business, when we decide to do something it is done and we can respond to exter- felix back in 1970 now are the vast number of clubs and societies that are available, much more than in my day. Southside too. nal pressure much more rapidly. Oxford is a series of autonomous colleges with their own endowment, so if the college decides to do something and the college can’t agree, no money can be spent.

felix To summarise your question of legacy, I would say: to improve the quality of the environment, to really Are the rent prices going to be in line with Southside then? pay attention to the quality of the student experience, to create more time for our academic staff who The Union and other facilities are a real strength of this place and to be original and thoughts that nobody else has thought of with Rector the time and space to develop those ideas with the emphasis on quality not quantity. To enhance even Those decisions haven’t been fully taken yet, but at the moment it’s further the spin out rate of biotechnology companies from Imperial because I do quite sincerely believe felix on target for cost and should be finished ahead of schedule. that Britain coming out of this recession, you got to replace the financial services sector to a degree During your recent visit to the Union, you were heard saying that the Union Bar is exactly as you and biotechnology company generation is one of our major options. There are a lot of things that one remember it. What are your views on the rest of the building? would like to do. felix Is the accommodation going to be the same standard as South- Rector side then? It’s extraordinary about the Union Bar, almost as if it hasn’t been touched! But the rest of the build- ing is jaded, however the office space is improved. I hear that work is being done on the gym, which was a dreadful place back in my time with very primitive equipment. Now we have Ethos which is the Rector best university sports centre I’ve seen, better than most of the ones professional sports club have in Slightly better. London. Find out next week what Sir Roy Anderson really thinks felix about government spending policy on research and felix “The social side involved going So you could say that there would then be a natural increase in Will Ethos remain free then next year? to other campuses. Queen price? development. He also makes his views clear about fees at universities and we find out what he would Rector Elizabeth’s College had a far Rector Yes of course. The local residence fees are not fixed, and the objectives are then a sensible business Umm no, don’t lead me into that, I’m too experienced with the press like Imperial’s work to focus on in the future. All of decision as you’ve created a world class facility that will attract local residence who will pay significant greater proportion of female with the likes of John Humphrys and Paxmans of this world. I don’t sums of money to be a member of that club, so you then use then support the club on the basis of that yet, the decisions haven’t been made and clearly the economic cri- this and more in next week’s issue of felix. income which then makes it free to students. students.” sis and pressures on students will influence us. 6 felix Friday 13 February 2009 Friday 13 February 2009 felix 7 [email protected] Comment Comment, Opinion Let us know your views: [email protected] Letters may be edited for length and grammar purposes & Letters Views on these pages are not representative of felix Gilead Amit takes it upon himself to rewrite Disney “If Snow White and the Seven Dwarves Afonso Campos says something nice... eventually were set in the “‘Gola shoes are 21st Century, what the true mark would the dwarves of the wannabe be called?”

fashionista who or the past few weeks, as In what could, if we extend the recog- OCD curl up together for comfort on “God, that was revolting,” said one. sentiment barriers should melt so com- those so favoured as to en- nized and well-understood boundaries the floor as Bitchy and Chomsky stride “Find it for me – I want to see if it’s as pletely over a scene like that has given fails epically at joy my company on a regular currently in place, be called my mind, around the house making everyone feel saccharine as I remember.” me an entirely new respect for Disney. basis will know, my mind has the appropriately-anagrammable OCD uncomfortable and out of place. A few typing noises and mouse clicks Or Gisney – whichever spelling most being cool” been occupied with a ques- fills the tiny shoes of the genial, patri- As exciting as the show would be brought up a full screen version of that closely resembles the flamboyant capi- tion of paramount importance. This archal Doc, while Chomsky would (and I gladly renounce all copyright scene on our communal computer. We tal letter that dominates the logo. unwontedF intensity of thought has led replace the charismatic and loveable claims to any prospective producers), sat back in our chairs, prepared to raise I am a tremendous fan of Disney. hen you travel that are situation dependent. I know it tating trait is that they walk backwards from Michigan. As a gesture of com- tle or a can of Blackthorn, there’s re- my forehead to resemble the carefully Dopey. I somehow feel that the two my ultimate conclusion was this: no our most damning eyebrows and Ha On alternate weekends I form part of abroad, I take it may sound obnoxious and rude, but I on tube platforms while grunting loud- mon courtesy my friend engaged in ally no reason why you should ever go ploughed acres of Gordon Ramsay’s share the same wide-eyed innocence such update is necessary. The story our most disparaging Has. a secretive but well-meaning congre- you are polite, re- swear I can tell an Iberian tourist a mile ly at each other. You need a keen eye some mindless conversation with said there. For some incredibly strange and frontal lobe, and has meant that my and the same joie de vivre, not to men- of Snow White, as recounted through The scene began. At the sight of the gation of addicts who meet in obscure spect local custom, away. More often than not they are to observe this crab-like movement, girl and happened to disclose the sup- odd reason they are attracted to that nails have been chewed clean to the tion a similar firm grasp on reality. the enchanted frames of Walt Disney’s first chipmunk putting away a teacup corners of the city to exchange Disney venture to speak wearing brightly coloured Gola shoes but do look out for it next time you posedly unexciting fact that one of our general area and vicinity like football wrist. The issue that has been causing If the popular fable were to be updat- 1937 classic, has survived the decades. our iron resolve began to thaw. The deer trivia and watch an occasional DVD. the language once in a while to order (little known fact: Camden was set up are in the tube and you are likely to be very close friends hailed from Michi- players are attracted to Louis Vuitton the cogs in my mind to revolve at these ed, however, the setting would have to I offer as evidence an evening last cleaning the furniture with his tail saw Meet us at Cannon Street Station on Wcrappy local food, and attempt to feign with the two exclusive purposes of sell- rewarded with a display of behaviour gan also. Nothing could have led me suitcases. It is deranged and illogical, superluminary velocities is a simple be changed. No more hidden cottages year when I found myself in front of my haughty lip uncurl and the proud the last Tuesday of every month, wear- some sort of respect towards any- ing Golas and eyebrow piercings to the that is bound to become etched in your to foresee the now unsurprising words but so true. one. If the story of Snow White and or craggy cliffs: the story cries out for a computer screen with two of my furrows in my brow disappear. By the ing a green chrysanthemum and carry- one with whom you might be in close Iberians). These are the true mark of memory for perpetuity. that were about to come out of her It’s useless refuting existing empiri- the Seven Dwarves were to be updated a different location. My lengthy cogita- friends, surfing YouTube with the wild time the squirrels were brushing the dust ing a copy of the Racing Express. quarters. I do, and so do most people the wannabe fashionista who fails epi- Now, on to slash the Yanks. mouth. cal evidence. I have previously tried to the 21st Century, what would be ap- tions finally washed me up on the shores intensity common to those of us who under the carpet and the stag was being There is no doubt in my mind that if with that remarkable trait that is social cally at anything resembling cool. The While American tourists do not get “Oh, my, gawd! No effing way! Do keeping stereotypes from cursing my propriate names for the raven-haired of the following conclusion: the tale of tread the midnight tightrope. The three used as a laundry stand, my companions I were to compile a list of all the Disney awareness. Unfortunately a lot of my bad haircut syndrome is also typically on my nerves as much, I assume they you know Dave?”. troubled mind, but I have long given beauty’s diminuitive companions? Snow White could best be told to a 21st of us, living up to our reputations as were whistling along to the tune as I aficionados at Imperial it would easily Portuguese countrymen, and Iberians Iberian as documented extensively by get on yours so the following memoir On hearing this, my friend proceeded up on such ludicrous efforts. I would Much head-scratching has followed, Century audience through the back- students, were in a particularly cynical wept uncontrollably at the keyboard. eclipse this piece in length as well as in general do not. reputable publications like National might be of satisfaction to read. I re- to roundhouse kick her face in, like, to- be most pleased if this comment piece and after prolonged consultation with drop of the Big Brother household. mood. We sneered at the unelectable The YouTube video played to its con- in originality and humorous content. It’s like pure anarchy with the Por- Geographic and The Onion. It can also member the instance when coming tally casually. had led me to some sort of epiphany or my flatmate, my girlfriend and my lab It is the perfect fit – one attractive optimism of Senator Obama, mocked clusion, and the monitor threw its light Everyone is a Disney fan, and I chal- tuguese and the Spanish. You never be guaranteed that if you see someone back from a delightful evening spent It is not hard to avoid the insanity contained some fable-like fundamental partner, I was politely advised to give woman and seven men with amusing Richard Dawkins for his excessive on three moist-eyed university stu- lenge all naysayers to sit through any know what novel way they will find to sporting a mullet with a dreadlock in the South Bank. I had had a most and the droves of unsightly tourists maxim, but alas it does not. up searching and sit quietly in a pad- physical idiosyncrasies attempting to moderation and brutally unweaved dents staring into the distance at their of the masterpieces from 1937 to 1996 disrupt your otherwise normal day. I hanging out the back like a decompos- pleasant dinner with friends followed though. All you need is some precious The only thing that you may safely ded room until the coloured spots fad- live together under the same roof. I see each and every one of the idealistic rediscovered childhood. Different and not be simultaneously charmed, don’t inherently dislike them; it’s just ing hair extension and an oversized by a sound play by Charlie Kaufman knowledge as now shared by yours conclude from my nonsensical drivel is ed from the inside of my eyeballs. Af- Sexy and Kinky spending a great deal memories of youth. childhoods, obviously. A spot of syn- moved, amused, delighted, and over- that many of them commit cardinal backpack, this someone has certainly and the Coen brothers, narrated by a truly. The Armageddon is pretty much that 1) I am Portuguese; 2) still slightly ter cajoling them into letting me have of time with Snow White in the Mas- “How about that ridiculous scene in tactical license to ease the monotony. whelmed by your inner child (or chil- sins that make my skull rapidly col- been summoned from the relatively bunch of A-list celebrities and Meryl known to be contained to the micro- bitter that Spain is bigger and better; 3) a sheet of paper and a blunt pencil, I ter Bedroom, with Sleazy occasion- Snow White,” I drawled. “You know, That moment stands out in the al- dren. Leave me alone – my syntactical lapse around my ever-expanding brain. small Catolonian city of Lleida by the Streep. On the journey back home, state of awful Queensway. Unless Upset I never won a Green Card lot- was finally able to produce the follow- ally sticking his head round the door that one where the animals are clean- bum of my memory like a pop-up card. license doesn’t expire till 2012). These sins come in behavioral and Ministry For The Preservation of Irri- an American girl decides to strike up you’re a pikey wanting to ice-skate at tery; 4) wish I had been born Spanish ing line-up: Sexy, Bitchy, Needy, Kinky, to breathe heavily and salivate before ing up the house.” My companions The fact that three particuarly hard- Or if not, at least let me know which aesthetic forms with several variations tating Tourists. Perhaps the most irri- conversation and mention that she is 3pm on a Thursday, brandishing a bot- or American. OCD, Sleazy and Chomsky. darting back in. Meanwhile, Needy and sneered appreciatively. hearted students with artificially low dwarves you think I left out.

Dan Wan’s youth has given way to drudgery Kadhim Shubber doesn’t want to go ‘home’ “The streets “The trip to my where I spent my home before the teenagehood are bombs of the Gulf changing and I’m War began to fall resentful as they could never feel slip further from like a homecoming ” + = recognition” for me. Iraqi passport Direct flight from London OMG I’m in Baghdad!

hen did staying in regret after sleeping into the afternoon chipboard sheets. Then, rows of small- pronunciation of any word containing job, or at least something to pay off the wo rather important the combined retorts of “I don’t want extent my father (who didn’t spend sufficiently tanned and sufficiently plea for citizenship of a suitable coun- the library until the and missing a day’s worth of lectures. er shops and newsagents no longer in a double ‘t’ sound, and my desktop 25 grand I’ve paid for this experience. events occurred in pre- to be asked awkward questions about a great deal of time ‘living’ in Iraq, not Protestant or Catholic to truly try (the Editor tells me that I would early hours of the The huge sense of relief of not failing business. background of Watford FC winning the But I swear I was sitting in my Sixth vious weeks. Obviously the Iraqi customs stamp in my British his youth spent in an English board- feel Northern Irish (not that there are make a good Serbian). But in truth and morning consti- the year, and then having a worry-free I have carved out this new world Championship play-off final in 2006. Form common room in Watford with there were a multitude of passport when I travel to the U.S.” and ing school and then a large portion of many people who feel ‘Northern Irish’, in summation, it couldn’t matter less tute a satisfactory summer with your mates from back for myself, which didn’t even involve I’ve got to the point where I’m fac- the sole thought running through my events, some trivial, oth- “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I DON’T the 80s serving as a medic in the Iraqi most choose instead Irish or British to me. I know of people who would night? Why do I now feel guilty about home. What about becoming a second some of the biggest stores in Watford ing up to my newfound responsibilities mind, “I wonder how many cottaging ers historic, but two have been on my WANT TO DIE!!!” usually admonished army) envisage a sort of homecoming; and I couldn’t lay a claim to either with ‘die for their country’ and perhaps Wsurfing away weeks of my life on face- year, and finding your own house in firstly, in the case of Virgin Megastore, and worries. It is all self-inflicted and references I can make in this Ode To Tmind. First event; provincial elections her sufficiently to drop the subject. an opportunity for me to reconnect a straight face). I was born Muslim but kill; neither dying nor killing hold any book and youtube? Why do I suddenly London, having a ‘housewarming’ par- changing its name, and secondly, clos- hence I cannot, and will not complain. A Nightingale analysis essay?” So when were held in Iraq, my country of birth, Now you see my dilemma, the untime- with my ancestral roots. the only crowd that I might belong to appeal for me, and so I regard myself feel compelled to do some sort of aca- ty and losing a wall in your new home. ing down. I am the one that decided to take up the fuck did everything change? without disruption or death. I don’t ly coincidence of luck, democracy and But the regrettably still dangerous as a result of this are hypocrites; I fast lucky for not having a country. I have demic work? Where has all this fuck- But is Fulham my ‘home’, and Wat- The streets where I spent my teen- positions within felix and stoic tv that I’m not sure anyone can answer that, think you will begrudge me if I label this direct flights from London to Baghdad trip to Baghdad, to the Dora area, to each year during Ramadan but pass me never found any benefit in nationalistic ing responsibility come from? ford only my ‘hometown’? Why do I agehood are changing without me, and would pile on the stress as well as give but I’ve got to a stage within my three event historic. Second event; I received (oh and some stuff like ‘the ‘surge’ or the house backing onto the River Tigris a shoe, four shots of Jaegermeister and pride and I haven’t felt shortchanged The daily questions I ask myself, and feel like a visitor when I walk down my I’m resentful as it slips further and fur- me hours of enjoyment and company. year University experience that has an Iraqi passport, ‘brand new’ but all the Sunni awakening or something like where my family spent a few hopeful a pint of Guinness and my faux piety for not having it. I imagine that it will most probably others, now and again. local high street, not being able to feel ther from recognition. I am still tech- No one else forced me to pick the hard- fallen into a routine worthy of Ground- the same carrying the wear and tear of that) have neutralized my arguments. years before the punishing bombs of will be exposed. Now my family lives be strange to tell my parents that I re- Between these Scrubs-style moments the celestial hug of familiarity? nically in my teenagehood at 19, but est humanities course there was avail- hog Day. A routine though stressfully a nation struggling to regain its feet (not Shouldn’t I want to return to the the first Gulf War began to fall, could in Eastbourne, on the South coast of ject the nationality that they bestowed of subconscience, I march on, not en- This all rained down on me when I why are these minor changes of scen- able. Most importantly, though, no busy, gives enough time for the mind to mention the fact that my name was country of my birth? I still have fam- never feel like a homecoming for me. England. This small town is a home but upon me. I imagine my mother will tirely comfortably, with my daily life as walked past what was Virgin Megas- ery (the same ones that I would have one else in the world is telling me to to settle and reflect on the last year and spelt wrong, Henry Marsden indeed my ily living in Baghdad and Erbil (in the Belonging is surely a comforting feel- then I will always be drawn towards my not be happy (she’s Kurdish and Kurds a 2nd year. tore. Its replacement was a derelict been excited about when I was 16) af- feel like I should, and need, to do well a half of my life. name isn’t ‘Kadhim Shubber’, it’s plainly Kurdish north) and although many of ing but, at least geographically and family regardless of their location. are very patriotic, try for yourself, tell Many of the excitements of being at two floors within a bustling shopping fecting me so detrimentally? for myself. Telling me to get out of this What I have felt this week is an in- misspelt on my passport ‘Khadhim’). them fled after the American invasion nationally, I have never felt the warm So neither English, nor Irish or Brit- a Kurd that a unified Iraq is the only university have shrivelled up with the mall; boarded up, with only a single I am a mere 20 miles from my ‘home- University with a CV that after read- evitability for everyone. It will come But that slight matter aside, it would in 2003 (I should know, I helped them support of belonging. I am ethnically ish and only nominally Iraqi and Mus- way forward; I take no responsibility unavoidable passing of time. The thrill Zavvi “Closing Down” poster in a dark town’, and this fact only greatly expands ing, CEOs in years to come will state in different forms at different times of seem that these two events have coin- write the letters, visa applications and an Arab, but I have never felt kinship lim; what then should we think of the for personal injury) but I think that of coming to university for the very window, crestfallenly displaying its the guilt I feel about having been swept I that am a “well-rounded individual”. people’s lives. Despite this reflection cided and conspired to give my mother personal statements that gave them with other Arabs and my Iraqi nation- man without a home? There are two something will prevent me from tell- first time, followed by the anxious- past identity. Further up, Woolworths, away by this new life in the City. All So it is only me who piles the pressure though, I know I’m still a Watford boy ammunition in her fight to persuade somewhere to go) there are still many ality has never been more than a back- natural directions we might move off ing her. Ah yes, that voice in the back ness in meeting new people and living home of questionable pick’n’mix now that serves as a constant reminder of upon my own shoulders. at heart, but one that’s doing just about me to travel back to Iraq. The issue Shubber family members to meet and story. I grew up in Northern Ireland, in from here, either a glorious denun- of my head shouting “FOR THE LOVE away from home. The vague sense of just a façade of bare metal poles and the first 18 years of my life is my poor In a year, I’ll probably be looking for a all right for himself. has cropped up from time to time and greet. My mother and perhaps to an but I was always sufficiently different, ciation of the nationstate or a pathetic OF GOD, I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!” 8 felix Friday 13 February 2009 Comment [email protected]

Different class investigates the link between rap culture and youth crime “They start kicking him in the face, all the while I sit watching unable to move”

n this dream I am sitting on a its publishing of articles and editori- you, but at least no one died. Back cusing finger at “Gangster-rap”. How- reduced by direct engagement with train, the district line I think, als on this issue, raising the profile of then there weren’t any gangs of “feral ever, it is easy to forget that it is not teenage boys. It must be communi- and I don’t recognise where it a problem which only affects a small youths”, as a certain politician recently the music that breaks the law but the cated that when an artist writes about is heading. Across from me sit number of us. However, for exactly put it, just groups of mates looking boys who listen to it. By their interpre- being attacked, shot, stabbed, they are three men, familiar to me but this reason, the public seems to have for a bit of excitement. For these rea- tation and imitation, they may com- not endorsing the action, but warning I couldn’t say who they are. Without become desensitised to what are some sons, I find what happens in London mit these crimes and this could well people from it. As anyone can sympa- Iwarning, they stand and head to the of the worse crimes committed in our now to be completely alien to the city be the problem. However, I am by no thise, teenagers all suffer at one stage end of the carriage where they grab a time. No child deserves to suffer at where I grew up. In the time between means encouraging the curtailment of from the bruising of egos as they make middle-eastern man. They throw him the hands of such gratuitous violence, something has changed, the mental- freedom of expression, Rap represents mistakes and learn important life les- to the floor and start kicking him in the regardless of perceived affiliations to ity of boys has been altered, and now a diversity in music that we should sons. Perhaps it’s through gangs and face, all the while I sit watching, feeling “gang culture”. I too started to switch terms like “respect” and “turf-wars” are embrace. It is clear that what is neces- knives they find a way of earning “re- compelled to help the man but unable off, developing a passivity similar to the norm in media reporting. We must sary is renewed communication with spect” and minimising embarrassment to move. The train stops at a station and that which I exhibited in my dream. I remind ourselves this is Plaistow not the disaffected youth who look to Rap when disputes arise. Yet it must be em- I get out, changing to the next carriage. understand this is wrong. As a com- Compton. for answers to their problems. It is my phasised that if youths understand in As the violence continues I stand at the munity, something needs to be done to You may be quick to point the ac- opinion that youth knife crime can be clear, and probably graphic terms, that adjoining window and look through. dispel the perception among teenagers knives are tools of cowards and should What this dream means is open to a that knives present a solution to often be shunned, we can avoid patronising wide variety of interpretations. Many petty problems. and deflating the fragile egos of the would see the analogy with the conflict The boy who died two weeks ago was youths involved. in the Gaza Strip: the middle-eastern called Steven Lewis. I didn’t know him I find it likely that it is the media who VARSITY 2009 man representing the beleaguered Pal- or his family. However the place where played the main role in changing the estinians. However, I see a more subtle he was attacked, fell and bled to death streets of my youth to the gangland explanation. My inability to quell the in a road outside a church in Plaistow, that seems to exist today. Messages violence, my total impotence in the is more familiar. It is the place where from music and culture in general have Get your ticket today! carriage, reminded me of another story my parents were married, an area been misunderstood and distorted in the news, something that may have where I spent much of my childhood leading to the problem we see today. passed you by. kicking footballs and generally making A new message must be communi- Three weeks ago a boy, 15 years old, a nuisance of myself. I’m not going to cated now, to remedy this and end the was stabbed to death in East London. paint a picture that growing up in East senseless killing of the city’s youth. It is Seems like a familiar story. He was London was idyllic, far from it; there a hard task, something I admit I have Imperial College vs Imperial Medicals the first teenager to die of knife crime were fights and scraps, vandalism and insufficiently addressed in this article. this year, his death echoing the terri- dissent, but never once was anyone I But through dialogue and affirming ble pattern of violence that plagued knew stabbed. No one even owned a the right values, whilst maintaining the capital last year. In all, 28 teenag- knife. If you had an issue with some- the egos of the young men at risk, it Wednesday 25 February ers died of knife wounds in London one, you would fight and the winner is possible for the spree of killings we alone between January and December. was “proven correct”. This may seem have witnessed to no longer need be The media should be applauded for perverse to the more cultured among How responsible is rap culture for youth gang culture? ignored. Letters Let us know your views: [email protected] JPR Williams Cup Match is more intelligent than himself! Even more people, like the condemned, to that the Science Museum would teach that make up the Business School, who An outraged a quick internet search reveals more of think beyond the molecules, atoms and Gnome Theory instead of real Physics study a subject completely outside the the condemned’s misquotes, poor re- electrons that seem absolute and dive was obvious. comfort zone provided by the natural at Richmond Athletic Association Ground gnome porting and general unproffesionalism. into (though thought unconventional) The rest of your complaint is poorly sciences. For someone who is even the deputy theories. As a final thought, I would constructed ad hominem dribble and I also suggest that this infantilism Dear felix, editor of the paper, this is inexcusable! also like to set the challenge to see who that you criticize other people’s work as manifests itself in the comment “I 19.30 kick off One feels he should perhaps spend can find where this quote is from: “The “poorly written” is laughable in light of don’t know if there were any Business ‘Kadhim Shubber’ (if that even is his more time learning to be a journalist Trustee Board requires members that your letter. School students there but I didn’t see real name) may have lost faith in mu- and practising his penmanship than are hard working, strong-willed and any Blackberrys”, as it is only natural for seums (RE: Felix, 6th Feb) but some harassing small children and Sir Isaac most importantly that have a vision Deputy Editor, someone of such immaturity to resent of us have certainly not lost faith in Newton at the Science Museum. for the Union.” (... suppose I’d better Kadhim Shubber a symbol of adult communication (al- COPYRIGHT LAWS, intellectual “Frankly, Ladies and Gentlemen, we reference it though... Kadhim Shubber, though I would also assume that he will More rugby, football, hockey and lacrosse property rights and general decency are doomed...” (The Condemned, Felix 17/02/08 .... oh bugger...). be upgrading his cup-and-string device in NOT plagiarising ideas from others #1423) is a phrase that easily comes to I await your (correctly referenced, at some point in the near future...) (some may say, betters) around us! I mind! To be fair to the condemned; though probably poorly written) reply An outraged I attach two previous exam papers. If at Harlington from 12.00 am outraged! he is in fact spreading the word and with eager anticipation, these are indeed pitched to the stand- In his column, Mr. Shubber (hence- publicising ‘Gnome Theory’ – a no- business school ard of an average 12-year old, I am sure forth referred to as ‘the condemned’), ble cause in itself. Too few are aware Yours sincerely, they will not take Mr Shubber much quoted a section of theory from that the main physics principles can student time at all to complete. Waterpolo, badminton, netball, basketball a now infamous Facebook group; be explained away by the existence of Henry Marsden “Physics doesn’t exist, its all gnomes” tiny gnomes and their interactions (see Dear felix, Regards, (http://www.facebook.com/group. aforementioned Facebook group). A Lauren and squash at Ethos from 12.00 php?gid=2217915679&ref=ts) – word man so intent on mentioning (if not Dear Henry Marsden, I am disgusted by the likeness Mr for word. Now it just so happens that referencing) this theory at least de- Shubber draws between Business I created this group and penned the serves recognition, despite this deep Of course I quoted the theory “word School students and 12-year olds in his Dear Lauren, EXACT phrase he plagiarised from (deep, deep) down longing being hid- for word”, how else does one quote scien- article of February 6th. said group. The condemned did write den in utter drivel. I must commend tific theory? But I apologise for not in- Perhaps he is envious of the signifi- The Tanaka Building café serves wine Tickets £7 / £10 said quote with no thought (well, I say a man who looks to further scientific cluding a bibliography. However, pla- cant funding attracted by the Business and beer? Brb. no thought – his brain may have slowly thought (especially at this university) giarism is a serious accusation and I School, the landmark Lord Foster archi- ticked over the thought but quickly and am glad he has brought further reject it. While I did use the language of tecture, or (and perhaps this is more on Deputy Editor, Available online from www.imperialcollegeunion.org dispelled it – like a river of vomit be- attention to the fledgling theory. Per- another author it was not my intention, his rung of the ladder) the beer and wine Kadhim Shubber ing damned by a build up of largely haps he may like to complete a proper nor was it the result, that it was rep- offered by the Tanaka Building cafe. unchewed pieces of sweetcorn) to not report on the theory in recompense? resented as my original work. “Gnome It appears to be much more likely, P.S. I apologise for demeaning your only the laws of copyright (which in fact In conclusion it seems that though Theory” is widely known (as you say, however, that his fear of the unknown academic efforts. Those exam papers For more info visit www.imperial.ac.uk/sports probably don’t apply to facebook) but journalism is on the down – perhaps the Facebook group is now infamous) in fact leads he himself to be the 12- were bloody difficult and anybody who also to politeness, courteousness and ‘Gnome Theory’ is on the up and thus and so it was unnecessary to explic- year old; intimidated by the older, more passed those exams obviously possesses acknowledging that perhaps someone my net emotion is satisfaction. We need itly reference it . In any case the joke responsible and well-dressed students an impressive intellect. 10 felix Friday 13 February 2009 Friday 13 February 2009 felix 11 Science [email protected] Science Science Editor – Mićo Tatalović [email protected] sperm being removed while one’s own sperm is brought closer to the egg. Rape may be biologically yet another adaptation evolved in men to increase their number of sexual partners. It is important to separate biology from is- sues of morality: many make the falla- The science of human sexuality cious assumption that evolved behav- Mićo Tatalović compatible genes). This central part take better care of and develop a better men can also have a say in how their short time periods, thereby allowing iours must be morally acceptable, but Science Editor of sexual selection theory gives rise relationship with children that resem- sperm fare in the face of the competi- potential for sperm competition in this is not so. Between 10 and 17% of to inter-sexual conflict: men should ble them more. Also, blue-eyed men tion for the limited resource; women’s humans to evolve. Many women fan- women experience rape by their hus- Female sexual fantasy, masturbation, be promiscuous, but women should prefer blue-eyed women as mates, ovum. Men may have evolved penises tasise about sex with men other than band, while about 9% of women are pornographic images, promiscuity, as well. However, men will try to pre- which may be an evolved strategy of such that their morphology allows their current partner and with more raped by their partners in long-term sexual coercion…It sounds like some- vent cuckoldry because if this hap- paternity assurance: if a blue-eyed fe- them, when having sex, to extract the than one man and are more likely to relationships. This type of rape, forced thing you would encounter in an adult pens, they end up raising other men’s male partner sleeps with a non-blue- sperm of rival men and get their own engage in risky sexual behaviours dur- in-pair copulation (FIPC), may be an- video store, but actually all of these children at their own expense. Women eyed man her children will not have sperm as close to an ovum as possible. ing ovulation. Men’s jealousy, appetite other anti-cuckoldry adaptation and terms are featured in literature on the will also want to keep their partner’s blue eyes, this will then be an obvious Some research suggests that the pe- for sexual variety and fantasies of sex a sperm competition tactic allowing evolution of human sexuality. This in- attention regardless of whether the indication for the blue-eyed man that nis, shaped as it is with coronal ridges with more than one woman can all be men to compensate for their partner’s triguing field of evolutionary biology children were conceived with some- he has been cuckolded (if he is the fa- and a frenulum, extracts significantly interpreted as adaptations in response infidelity and ensure they are invest- and psychology dwells upon our obses- one else. In a nutshell then: men want ther, all of the children will have blue larger amount of previously deposited to promiscuous behaviour in women. ing in their own children. Research sions with sex and various peculiarities to be promiscuous yet want women to eyes). Furthermore, infanticide rates sperm than a smooth penis-like model Interestingly, individual differences in supports the hypothesis that FIPC associated with human practice of sex. be faithful; women want men to think are higher for stepfathers than biologi- of similar size. The fact that humans human sex drives may be dictated by occurs more often when the woman It does this in order to understand bet- cal fathers again supporting the idea our genes. in the pair is unfaithful and when the ter just how big a role sex has played that men have evolved to avoid cuck- In an environment where sexual man is generally more jealous, show- in our evolution, and just how much of “This intriguing oldry and if this fails to then avoid tak- “Sexual selection competition continues post-copula- ing many mate-retention behaviours what we do is down to what our ances- ing care of other men’s children. tion, to ensure their competitiveness, (such as holding hands, not introduc- tors have been selected to do by forces field of Women increase their sexual fanta- theory gives it pays for men to evolve adaptive ing a partner to his male friends etc.). of sexual selection. sies of having sex with other men dur- mechanisms in sperm competition. In ‘While the damaging practice of rape Attitudes towards sex differ spatially evolutionary ing ovulation; the time they are most rise to inter- humans, the perception of a high risk is often tolerated in couples, there and temporally; in various cultures likely to conceive. At this time, women of sperm competition may increase has traditionally been a strong taboo and in different historical time peri- biology and also rate more masculine men as more sexual conflict: sexual arousal which in turn increases against masturbation, which doesn’t ods. Current, relatively liberal views attractive- a preference not present at the volume and quality of sperm ejac- hurt anyone and may even be evolu- of human sexuality in the west allow psychology other times of the month. Presumably, men should be ulated. Seeing other men copulating tionarily adaptive: masturbation by many of our tendencies to emerge more masculine features such as facial would be perceived as a risk of sperm men may be a tactic to get rid of old, from the taboo vaults into the main- dwells upon our symmetry, deep voice and body mus- promiscuous, competition: the more men, the higher slow sperm and so better prepare for Even in x-ray, it’s still obvious that you’re a chav. Like the photo? Find it in this term’s issue of I,science which can be found in the library stream – e.g. film, media, advertising culature reflect good genes. Women the risk. Internet pornography sites sperm competition if the opportunity – and also allow scientists to probe the obsessions with can distinguish attractiveness by men’s but women contain more images of one woman arises. The quality of masturbatory meaning of and possible reasons for voices, smell of their sweat and looks. with two or more men than the other sperm ejaculates is lower than that of sperm competition, pheromones… All phology, physiology, psychology and attractive members of the opposite sex aspects of our biology, psychology and these tendencies. Sexual health is an sex” One recent study identified a molecule should as well.” way around; men also report such im- the copulatory ejaculates and this fact of these have been widely documented behaviour. Even the biggest evolution- and that we find more altruistic peo- sociology. From altruism to rape, evo- important feature of modern day life: from men’s sweat that is responsible ages to be more arousing. Some even may be used to increase the success of in various animal species, and now ary riddle, altruism (helping others ple of the opposite sex more attractive: lution through sexual selection may with many couples having problems for getting women aroused and excit- interpret the popularity of swinging artificial inseminations. more and more research suggests that at an expense to oneself), may have thus helping others may have been have shaped our behaviours; from conceiving, and with many sexually ed: androstadienone . This seems to be and ‘dogging’ as a by-product of an Research on the evolution of human sexual selection also played important evolved by means of sexual selection. beneficial because it brought us more those that make us proud of being a transmitted epidemics such as HIV, that they are faithful so that these men the first firm evidence for the existence have a large penis and testes compared evolved tendency to be aroused by sexuality is full of fascinating and elu- role in human evolution: it may well Recent paper shows evidence that hu- attractive, better quality mates. Study human down to those that we are most knowing how to deal with these issues will dedicate their care to them and of pheromones in humans; something to less promiscuous gorillas (but not as women having sex with other men in cidating ideas: cryptic female choice, have shaped many aspects of our mor- mans are more altruistic towards more of sex in humans can explain various ashamed of. is an important medical task. Recent their children, yet women still want perfume and deodorant companies large as highly promiscuous bonobos) order to ‘gear up’ for the sperm com- breakthroughs such as the produc- to be promiscuous in order to get the have been trying to cash in on for some suggests that there is an intermediate petition ahead. Men may even have tion of sperm cells out of adult bone best genes for their children. time now (think of Axe effect and the degree of sperm competition taking evolved behavioural adaptations to marrow stem cells and the develop- In order for such a state of affairs to recent Lynx adverts). But, as nature has place in humans. Sperm competition sperm competition pressure: copula- ment of an HPV vaccine which can evolve, women must have been pro- it, men have evolved an ability to rec- is predicted to evolve when a female tion that takes place after prolonged The majority of placements are in the London Region – Placements outside prevent cervical cancer caused by the miscuous during our evolutionary ognize when their partners are at this, mates with more than one male in a periods spent separated from one’s London can be accommodated by request virus (some research even suggests a history: men can only be unfaithful for men, risky time periods. Although short period of time; in humans, this partner or after arguments (situa- link between oral sex and throat can- if they have someone to be unfaithful women have concealed ovulation, a time period is 2-9 days (longevity of tions in which there is a potentially cer caused by HPV virus) raise hope with. Yet we cannot go back in time, rarity among other apes and monkeys, sperm once ejaculated). Again, some increased chance of female infidelity) for future medical interventions to so scientists, using various question- men seemed to be able to detect it in studies suggest that many women are more vigorous with deeper and treat infertility and STDs. However, naires, have tried to quantify women’s women’s smell. When asked to rate at- (up to 30%) do engage in sequential faster thrusting movements; both of apart from the medical implications, present propensity to be promiscu- tractiveness of women sweat scents, sex with different partners in such which may result in more of the rival’s our sexuality has much more to offer ous. It turns out that women are quite men rated ovulating women’s scents
to people who dare to ask the ques- promiscuous; up to 30% of women re- as more attractive. This could benefit SSttuuddeenn tt AAssssoocciiaatteess SScchheemmee ((SSAASS)) tion ‘Why?’ Why do we enjoy sex so port having had sex with two or more men by cuing them in on potential ex- much? Why are people jealous of their men within 24h. This in turn leads to tra-pair copulations as well as on the sexual partners and why do we dislike a rather high percentage of children fact that their partner might be up to infidelity so much? Why is the penis whose biological father is different to mischievous things. Indeed, men rate shaped the way it is? Why do women their mother’s husband: it is estimated their partners as much more attractive Support secondary school Maths, Physics or Chemistry in London experience amazing orgasms? Why do that 2-30% of children are not fathered when they are ovulating, even though we waste time masturbating? by the man who thinks he is the father they are not conscious of this differ- One of the main premises of re- (usually mother’s husband). Naturally, ence in their opinion of how sexy their What does the scheme entail? search on human sexuality is that men if evolution has favoured promiscuity partners are. ! Undergraduates/Postgraduates undertaking a 3 week placement in June/July can increase their biological fitness in women so that they can give birth The arms race of tactic, contra-tac- in a school/college (i.e. number of children, therefore to the fittest children then there was a tic evolution is a trademark of sexual ! Working alongside experienced teachers and assisting in classroom teaching genes produced) by having sex with as conflict with men’s evolutionary inter- selection and inter-sexual conflict in many women as possible. At the same ests, which would have them care only most species that use sex for repro- ! Groups of up to 10 students can be placed in one school time women can increase their fit- for their own children and avoid being duction, including humans. Women ! Placements arranged by Exscitec ness by having sex with the best qual- cuckolded in the first place. Indeed, may have evolved the clitoris and or- ity men (men with the best or most many studies have found that fathers gasms in order to choose whose sperm to accept, that is, in order to subcon- sciously choose the father of their children even after having sex with more than one man during ovulation. What are the benefits of the scheme? This so-called ‘cryptic female choice’ " Receive a £600 tax free bursary for completing the 15 day placement allows a woman to fool her partner " Receive a free CRB Disclosure check into thinking that he is the father, whilst the truth is somewhat different. " Have something different for your CV Women have more simultaneous or- " Develop new transferable skills and communication experience gasms with more attractive and more " Gain first hand experience of what a career in teaching involves symmetrical men (proximate cues of good genes); simultaneous orgasms seem to help to get the sperm closer to the egg by a physiological action of the cervix which dips into the depos- For more information or to apply contact Sarah Cooper: Pre-requisites : A- Levels in Maths, Physics or Chemistry ited sperm and brings it deeper into the woman’s body. So, female orgasms [email protected] may be an evolved feature allowing 01730 235683 women a post-coital choice in the fa- Links : www.tda.gov.uk / www.imperial.ac.uk/outreach / www.exscitec.com ther for their children. Perhaps this is why men get so upset when they find out that their partner has been faking orgasms with them.... Apart from the cryptic female choice, Now do you see why you should keep your eyes closed when kissing?

12 felix Friday 13 February 2009 [email protected] Science The nonsense behind the science of human sexuality Felix Whitton front page! More specifically, the team brought a little joy into my life was a tested two hormones – cortisol, a study published in the venerable jour- This week, instead of trotting out stress hormone, and oxytocin, which nal Science linking colour to human some half-arsed “science of love” has been linked to social bonding. Un- cognition. The researchers found that bullshit, we’re going to delve into the surprisingly they found that kissing red can enhance memory, and blue murky world of evolutionary psychol- reduced cortisol levels in both sexes, triggers creativity. So, when faced with ogy. Yes, this is the science that brings and increased oxytocin (but only in a red screen students would think of us ground-breaking new insights into men). practical used for a brick (building a human behaviour from looking at our Cue acres of newsprint devoted to house, for example), whereas a blue evolutionary history. the wonders of kissing – from The screen would send them into fantasti- Or not. Because most of it, sadly, is Times waxing lyrical about Shake- cal visions of paperweights and, best contentious, outdated and based on ex- speare, to The Telegraph’s more sub- of all, “pet scratching posts”. trapolations from what our Pleistocene dued revelation that according to a Ok, so I may be poking fun a little savanna-dwelling ancestors might have 2007 British study, “brain and heart bit. After all, the research made it into Can science really tell us anything useful about love and sexuality? done. (This doesn’t stop the press from activity sparked by passionate kissing Science, something I never have (and jumping on any story which purports [...] is less intense than the stimulation likely never will). My gripe is with the to shed “fascinating new insights” into produced by eating chocolate”. All very supposed academics who take these does it seem an obvious link to the re- promoting her new book about the why humans wipe their arses a certain well, but hardly ground-breaking. The simplistic findings and say things like, search? Or is it (and indulge my cyni- statistics behind love (quel chance!). way). rather pitiful nature of the study (test- and I quote, “Red is truly a good Val- cism for one second here) perhaps due Earth-shattering advice includes: Dat- You may have read on Monday about ed on a paltry 15 couples) is summed entine’s colour, making men consider to a certain upcoming romantic ‘holi- ing! Be yourself; Men! Ask questions how “science [has found] the secret of up by author Professor Wendy Hill; women more sexually attractive than day’ and Prof Elliot’s desire for some and don’t say anything sleazy; Wom- a hot kiss” (according to The Times). “This study shows kissing is much other colours do.” This from a Profes- sneaky publicity? I’ll let you decide... en! Men prefer blondes because they A new study from Lafayette College more complex and causes hormonal sor Andrew Elliot, a “leader in the field And to finish; listen, I implore you, could spot them from afar back in’t in Pennsylvania has shown that hor- changes and things we never thought of colour psychology”. to the latest Guardian Science Weekly days of yore; Sex! Yes, you guessed it, mone levels change before and after occurred.” Well I never. Now, let me stop you for a second podcast to have a good old chuckle at men think about it a lot; Reader! Don’t kissing someone you love. Hold the A second piece of news which here. Read over that last quote again; a laughable evo-psychologist in action, buy the book. Biofuels have low green rating, but Imperial shows support The eco-science column

Olivia Sharp capture to rank high on environmental impact. Jacobson comments ‘some Wind and solar energy are the most energy alternatives that have been pro- environmentally friendly alternative posed are just downright awful’, and fuel options, whilst biofuel crops and with regards to biofuels he warns ‘Eth- carbon capture may not be worth anol-based biofuels will actually cause the effort, according to Dr Mark Z. more harm to human health, wildlife, Jacobson of Stanford University. His water supply and land use than current research, published in this month’s En- fossil fuels’. He has calculated that the ergy and Environmental Science jour- land required for enough biofuel to nal, coincides with the announcement power the US vehicle fleet would be 30 of a new multimillion pound biofuel times that for wind turbines. Air pol- development project funded by the lution and carbon emissions would not Biotechnology and Biological Sciences be cut substantially. Research Council (BBSRC), involving Meanwhile, scientists from Imperial scientists from Imperial College. College’s Life Sciences Department Jacobson assessed each major al- are part of a new venture for biofuel ternative energy source, as if it were development, the Sustainable Bioen- to power every vehicle in the US. He ergy Centre. The BBSRC have just an- looked at factors such as impact on nounced funding for the centre, which global warming and human health, at £27m is the biggest ever public in- space requirements and sustainability. vestment in bioenergy. They believe The winner in all areas was wind pow- bioenergy to be a significant source of er, which if used to run the entire US ‘clean, low carbon and secure energy’ vehicle fleet, would reduce carbon and and the biofuel sector has the poten- air pollution emissions by 99%. The tial to provide thousands of new ‘green Appearances can be deceiving – biofuels have a high environmental impact vehicles would all be electric, therefore collar’ jobs. removing exhaust pollution, saving Dr Thorsten Hamann is one of Impe- over 15,000 lives a year from air pol- rial’s scientists involved in the Centre, yet to power cars on electricity. Cur- intended for land unsuitable for edible based fuel.’ lution related deaths in the US alone. and has a different take on the feasibil- rent electric cars have to be recharged crop agriculture. For the time being, The sustainable bioenergy centre is The Stanford team estimated that an ity of biofuels. He believes a mixture of every night and the life-span of the our priority should be to move away a virtual collaboration between a large area of 3km squared would be enough energy supplies is required to replace battery is unknown. We already have from fossil fuels, and crop based fuels number of research institutions. The land to contain all the wind turbines our current fossil fuel reliance, and the technology for biofuel run cars, are ‘significantly better’, considering focus is on generation of bioenergy and required. cars cannot be run exclusively on wind and the infrastructure for a liquid fuel they are a renewable source. transport biofuels from woody bio- However, the rating system, the first generated electricity. ‘Wind farms transport system.’ Dr Hamann believes in the distant mass and waste materials. Researchers quantitative, scientific evaluation of al- look fantastic on paper, but I don’t see As for the space issue, he assures that future, electricity may be the solution will assess the economic and environ- ternative energy sources, found biofu- the potential to use wind to power the the biofuel plants developed by the to power transport, ‘but for the next mental life cycle of potential biomass els, nuclear power and coal with carbon world. We don’t have the technology Sustainable Bioenergy Centre will be 20 to 30 years, we are looking at liquid materials. 14 felix Friday 13 February 2009 Friday 13 February 2009 felix 15 RAG is awesome, but why bother? Barnardos Shelter The Rainbow Trust RAG Week is next week! RAG Chair, Jon Downing, tells felix about the charities, events and traditions. Slogan: ‘Believe in the Children’ Slogan: ‘Help the Homeless’ Slogan: none. Work remit: The charity Barnardos initially started as an Work remit: Shelter deals with all aspects of hous- Work remit: The Rainbow Trust Children’s Charity pro- Jon Downing orphanage run by Thomas Barnardo. He believed that ing and homelessness. vides practical and emotional support to families who RAG Chair children and young people should be free from poverty, In the first instance they give advice to households have a child with a life threatening or terminal illness. Each Monday Night 16th: RCSU Ball abuse and discrimination. He pledged to support the facing eviction or repossession and all other factors year 1,000 families gain support. Imperial College Union RAG Week abused, the vulnerable, the forgotten and the neglected, that stem from the possible loss of a place to live. They own two respite houses in Surrey and Northum- is nearly upon us. RAG, standing for to stand up for them and bring out the best in each child. This includes advice for young people, legal advice, berland which provide a break for the whole family, al- Raising and Giving is a traditional The Royal College of Science is kicking off RAG with a charity ball In 1867 he started the Ragged shool and by the time he how to pay for accommodation whether renting or lowing them to spend precious time together as a family university activity where by students at one of the worlds most exclusive night clubs, MAYA. Maya is the died in 1905 the charity had 96 care home and cared for looking to buy. away from a hospital environment. The respite houses are partake in a variety of crazy activities ‘Official Best New Club 2008’ and a member of a group known as 8,500 children. On top of this Shelter is active in campaigning for well equipped with play rooms and a swimming pool. to raise as much money as possible for ‘The World’s Finest Clubs’ of which only the elite clubs and bars in Barnardos today still have the same remit as when it change to implement sustainable long-term solu- In addition Rainbow Trust’s Family Support Workers chosen charities. This year the RAG the world are part of. The interior mixes exotic and eastern elements started. They still work to support children in all sectors tions for the housing sector. join the family in their own home and are there to provide team has organised a range of activities with a strong New York vibe. Think bespoke furnishings, industrial of society, currently running around 400 projects through- They are actively involved in research and policy whatever practical support is needed. They may attend and events so turn up get involved and ceilings, dark rich wooden flooring, potted palm trees, and tucked out the UK. These range from project dealing with child and how to implement such policy to maximum hospital appointments with parents, sit by the bedside of have some fun! away lounge areas - all seductively illuminated by beaming, backlit poverty, education and young careers to dealing with do- effect. the sick child to give parents a break and take worried sib- RAG originates from the Victorian walls. mestic violence and sexual abuse of children. The Duch- Recently Radiohead donated their song Videotape lings out for the day. era when students took time from With an electric atmosphere and masses of FREE DRINKS its not ess of Cornwall, Camilla Parker Bowles, is the president of to Shelter. The song is being played on their current It costs £3 million to keep the Rainbow Trust respite their studies to collect rags to clothe to be missed. Better yet all the proceeds are going to charity. Oh I Barnardos and acts a figurehead to the charity promoting advert - House of Cards, which is depicts the fragility houses open every year - a more than worth while cause. the poor. It is also possible that the forgot to mention there’s £5,000 behind the bar! So there’s loads of their work throughout England. of the housing situation. RAG collecters “ragged” ie. badgered free drinks! or pestered passers by until they made Tickets are £5 when bought advance from the union website a donation. From the old times to new (http://www.imperialcollegeunion.org/rcsu-351) or £10 purchased there is still the same question - why on the door. give? Here I think the answer is that peo- ple should give money to charity be- Wednesday 18th Daytime: RAG RAID cause they can. As privileged people who attend a top university, we have it easy; we’re all employed, all housed RAG RAID 12pm from Union Quad:Embark on an adventure! Invade and apart from that maths coursework London with a list of challenges in one hand and a collecting bucket sitting on your desk have relatively lit- in the other! Trek across London and complete the tasks to win priz- tle to worry about. es. Challenge examples include – Go swimming in a fountain or Find Despite the common publicised ‘stu- Jovan Nedic and his boys and challenge them to down a pint. Make dents have a difficult life’ there are and up a team (approx 4 people) – collect your free t-shirt and collecting will be increasing more people who bucket from 12pm on Wednesday 18th. Dressing up is guaranteed to have a much more difficult life. Think get you more money and thus more prizes! There are limited places of the homeless man asking for change for this event and the people who go always have a great day! Get RAG MAG at the tube stop or the young child liv- involved! ing with substance misusing parents. The RAG Mag is a tradition of RAG Week hosting all manor of playful jokes and witty puns. Old ‘retro’ RAG Mags will be on throughout RAG Week with the real guy popping his head These people find themselves a situa- up a couple week later. Here you’ll be able to find all the usual banter and long with a summary of how RAG Week went with photos. Send your RAG week photos to [email protected]. tion they find hard to change and are Wednesday 18th Evening Mean while keep yourself amused with some of these jokes: often blameless for. Charities are by their nature setup to deal with these How many students does it take to change a light bulb? social problems. They help to pro- Fancy a shower while you’re out and about? Use a fountain! RAG RAID after Party fun and games in the union with Arts Fest: mote the work done by volunteers and The union and RAG have managed to secure laser quest in the quad Imperial Students: Five. Two to design a nuclear powered bulb that never needs replacing, two to write the computer program that operates the switch and one to insert the bulb. professionals in a structured organisa- on Wednesday of RAG Week! Pit your sports team against another Nottingham: Don’t change it. They shoot at lights round here, look at the last one. tion. These services cannot be found cession doesn’t mean that its the end of and are more likely to make a larger sports team, perhaps challenge the your first team, they may be bet- Plymouth: Six - One to change it and five to campaign to make lightbulb changing a new degree subject. anywhere else. This is because they the world for the charity sector, close change in the community. People ter on the pitch but are they better at laser quest? Entry is £1 to RAG Cardiff: 5001 One to fit the bulb and five thousand to petition the government for the electrification of Wales. are not profitable and the government to 2m people are now unemployed and choosing to give something back is ul- and it all goes to charity! Also keep your eyes open for RAG face doesn’t deem them necessary. And yet with Shelter recently reporting 75,000 timately how communties thrive. painting and shot girls! Arts fest is on as well take some time to Advice for leavers: these services must be supported as people facing repossession the situa- If you would like any more informa- check out the village fete in the union dinning hall. You don’t get ideas for drinks from local tramps they help some of the most vulnerable tion isn’t great. tion or would like to take part as a vol- A £3 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff” members of society. So people give because they can and unteer please e-mail [email protected] CGCU Slave Auction: Wanted – Your Money. Many of the varied “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again” Despite this need funding for the I like to think everyone gets something Or, if you would like to nominate a and diverse leaders of the college unions clubs and societies chairs, You get out of bed in the morning even if its raining third sector has decreased and accord- back from their donations. Apart from charity for next year visit the RAG including the president herself and the sabbs will be on sale in this The bank manager doesn’t write you threatening letters ing to the philanthropy website The- the warm fuzzy feeling, all donations website (www.union.ic.ac.uk/rag) and charity bid auction. Punters are encouraged to come up with an orig- Informative TV no longer includes Richard & Judy. BigGive.com the funding deficit could do make a difference. Charities have fill in the form under the charities inal suggestion to accompany their bid. Once bought the slaves will reach £2.3bn this year. While the re- much lower overhead than businesses section. be encouraged to complete their tasks within a month - all money will go to charity! Last year Steven Brown was sold to the football club for a full body wax, EESoc bought some slaves to do some gar- dening and many union members were sold for a certain run from Harrods to the union!

ICU RFC Charity Pub Crawl: Starting at 7.30 - 8 from the union the ICU RFC plus others will be pub crawling around South Ken with charity pubs! See if you can keep up!

Friday 20th Evening

Imperial RAG is joining forces with RVC RAG at Phibbers, North Lon- don for their event ‘Dress to Impress!’. Needless to say RVC have a high proportion of women so for those of you bored with the Impe- rial crowd this is an event not to miss.Buy tickets from the union website (www.imperialcollegeunion.org/rag-281) or from RAG stalls throughout the week

Friday 20th Evening

RAG Store Sales: Watch out for RAG in the JCR on Tuesday and Thursday!

RCSU Hit Squad: This year RCSU has taken the Hit Squad from CGCU. Pop in to their office off the walk way to arrange a cream pie in the face for someone special.

Queen’s Tower Tours: We have managed to open up to Queen’s Tower from 11am – 2pm every day of RAG week. This is an activity rarely available to students, from here you receive a fantastic view across London!

High jinks in a phone box as students take part in RAG RAID activities around London Look online for the other ‘Week in the life of’ articles. eVoting STAND Next week - DPCS, DPFS & SABBATICAL ELECTIONS 09 & DELIVER Felix Editor Nominations open Monday 16 February 00:01 - Sunday 1 March 23:59

A week in the life of the A week in the life of the President... The secret life of a No two days the same. Deputy President (Education & Welfare)... biscuit addict. things – like swapping ideas on widening Monday Thursday Monday satisfaction score on the NSS please feel free police their priorities. Despite the best efforts Monday mornings are quite possibly the worst participation or lobbying the government on the It’s a 9am start and Hannah and I have a to ask! of the locals to get them to focus on removing up and coming funding review for tuition fees. Despite my alarm being set for 8am, a fondness invention I ever heard of, but the world insists meeting with the Pro Rector (Education) and for my snooze button means I wake again beggars from the South Kensington area, our on keeping them, so at 7am I reluctantly get out It’s really good to know what the other Unions College Secretary. We meet with them once a Tonight I’m on the fi rst of my many halls visits. suggestion to tackle bike thefts from the campus are up to – often policies will work well in more with a start at 9.15am- I’m supposed to be at of bed. I’m one of the Sabbaticals that chose not month to discuss major education issues – like work by 10 so it’s a toss-up between make- I head off with a junk food-loaded bag on my wins the vote. My work is done. Unfortunately, to live in halls (it’s not compulsory and with the than one Union. The other meeting I have about student survey results we also recieve guidance back to quiz the students about what they really six of their beloved pooches were struck down once a month is ULU Senate, this is like our up application and breakfast. The toast loses increasing pressure of fi nding all the fi rst years from the College Secretary on things that are out because I’ve got the fi rst of the week’s love and hate about living there so I can let the by pavement cyclists last year, so the police will a place in halls it’s no bad thing). Work offi cially Council where the ULU Sabbatical Offi cers report contentious. They always bring things to our Head of Accommodation services know what the also be issuing fi nes to those of you they catch. on what they’ve been up to (usually not a lot) meetings at 11am which means breakfast of starts at 10am which is lovely but you do need attention that they would like our help on too. coffee and College biscuits. Yum. After a frantic students think when I meet her next week. I get to stay late quite often so it balances out. and papers are brought by the different Unions, Later in the morning I need to email the Union back to the offi ce to fi nd an email from one of I’m tired of feeling like I’m not on top of in the same way that Imperial Students and rush from Evelyn Gardens (one of the perks of First thing I’ve got a meeting with the Head of Court Chair. The Union Court is relatively new the job is ‘free’ accommodation in an Imperial the wardens asking if I am available next week things,so I head back to the Union to catch up Commercial Services, this is a regular meeting reps might bring a paper to our Union Council. and was brought in at the same time as the to be on the interview panel for their subwarden on a load of work. It’s sports night and I can pigeon hole. I’ve only just noticed whilst sitting Even though the College has offi cially left the insurance and health and safety. Later in the day Halls of Residence of your choice), I run to my once a month where we discuss the latest Trustee Board in the governance review two I start collecting papers and getting things ready meeting where we’re reviewing our welfare selection. I found conducting interviews nerve- hear inebriated students lobbing skiffs around in another meeting about Careers and I’m issues with commercial services, ranging from University of London, there are still students years ago. Whenever there’s confusion over the wracking when I fi rst started but now I rather the Quad outside, but I plough on through forwarding the missing ones from my iPhone that have chosen to keep the UoL degree rather for the Trustee Board, this is the sovereign body provision in the College and identifying areas gym access to water availability. I bring to his constitution and regulations we can ask court of the Union, they have a very light fi ngered for improvement. I add my views, scribble down enjoy grilling the candidates. It’s also a chance urgent emails and write some of the papers for to Union reception in the vain hope they’ll have attention anything students are worried about than an Imperial one and those students are still to write an interpretation for us. When we have to compare which wardens have the nicest fl ats tomorrow’s Union meeting. I am turfed out by time to print them in the next half an hour. I hear represented by ULU and we are still very closely touch but are ultimately legally responsible if it some action points and then head to my offi ce and our opinion is always taken very seriously student disciplinary the Court will select the all goes wrong, so they ensure that the decisions an hour and a half later for some email catch- and most importantly, who orders in the nicest the stewards at the end of the night, who offer nothing back and realize the receptionist must – such as when we said the SCR needs longer linked through sport and so the Imperial voice is panel and they also select the returning offi cer food (Thai wins so far!). However, tonight it’s me a lift home. be on lunch. Oh well, I read them a week ago still hugely important. we make don’t have massive implications on up, phone calls and lunch from the Union. The opening hours – it was done. After that meeting and elections committee for the main elections. risk. No longer are all the Exec members liable afternoon consists of a couple more one-on-one a Union dinner of fi sh and chips, followed by a and hope I can dredge up what they’re talking I whiz over to the Union Building project meeting This ensures absolutely no bias on those people to be sued for seven years after they’ve left the meetings about security and our Environmental pack of some biscuits left over from an earlier about from memory. where all the contractors, architects, plumbers, who are selected. If there is an appeal over a Thursday post, now it’s the Trustees. And the externals Policy, 20 more emails to write and a slight panic meeting in College. For a change. Amazingly, I only have one meeting scheduled systems people and so on meet with the project Union disciplinary then it goes to Court too. In Phew, after the 10th examiner’s report (where Wednesday bring in a wealth of experience from different about the welfare campaign that’s supposed to today. This is dangerous, because somehow at manager to discuss the weeks schedule and iron the afternoon I have time to go through this someone external from College comments on On Wednesday I’m back in the offi ce and have areas such as fi nance and law. Later on I can be running next week. I grab the promotional Wednesday least 2 more unscheduled ones will manage to out any bumps. Then I’ve got a couple of free months management accounts which takes how well we’re conducting our assessments) I about an hour to catch up on emails and clear catch with emails before the weekend and I can stationery catalogue and a cup of tea and start After the success of SHAG week, I’ve arranged fi nd their way into my diary by the end of the hours allowing me email catch up and time to a good hour or so but it’s worthwhile going seem to have got away with it. Until I’m asked up the most recent crisis before I head off to a go through the applications for funding from browsing… with the Terrence Higgins Trust to come in and day. It’s also lucky, because I have only written sign off a moderate pile of cheques (anything through to see if the Union is overspending my opinion on Paper Liii. Paper Liii… I hide my meeting with the Rector. I have regular meetings the Harlington Trust before giving my feedback offer Chlamydia screening to more Imperial half of the papers for tonight’s Representation over a thousand pounds needs to be co-signed anywhere and to make sure our members are panic with a smile and say none of the student with the Rector (once a month) which is great. to the rest of the Harlington Trust Committee This evening is Union council, which happens students. After some initial trepidation, this and Welfare Board meeting which I chair. by the President) for things like the Building getting the best possible services from us. I fi nd reps had any comments or objections. I assume All of the big issues get raised through him (it’s made up of the Pro Rector (Education), a once a month. This is where we debate about has been growing in popularity. Jov, the Felix In between bashing out documents on the Project and stock for the shops and bars. In myself with a light afternoon and reinvigorate we didn’t or either myself or one of my reps and our views are taken very seriously and past Union President and the current Union and pass policies affecting Imperial students, editor rings me up and asks the dreaded computer I email people who were supposed the afternoon I have to attend an exercise as my research into student discounts and the would have discussed it last week- wouldn’t often acted on almost immediately if they are President). We get several applications a month, highlighting what students want us to be question: ‘So, Hannah, where’s that page on who have submitted something already. Ideally a member of the Senior Emergency Response NUS card. There are instances when Imperial we? As we move onto paper M, I gulp down my reasonable. In the afternoon I have time to usually for new equipment for clubs. We have prioritizing. One of the decisions made this year welfare you promised me?’. Hmmm…. It hasn’t the papers should have been up a few days ago Group. This group of Senior College staff get students miss out on discounts because they gourmet tea and the chocolate coated biscuits write a paper for College Council. They meet ~£50k to award each year to deserving clubs was to split my position in two, meaning the been forgotten as such, just pushed out of the for everyone’s perusal, but unless I sat down called in at any time of the day or night to don’t have an NUS card (very annoying!!) This and breathe a sigh of relief. Because tomorrow, fi ve times a year and the President is a member. that really need some help. Later I pop over to Deputy President (Education and Welfare) will forefront of my mind by eight more pressing at the weekend and did them with a cup of tea respond to emergency situations (in reality once is going to take some serious letter writing! after a lie-in, I will pull on my boots and jacket Ultimately the President is responsible for the the HR department to discuss the latest staffi ng cease to exist, replaced instead with a Deputy priorities. ‘It’ll be with you in 2 hours’, I say, it’s a rare occurrence- there’s nothing like an every 50 years), but the last time was 7/7. So as Later that evening we have Representation and and amble down King’s Road to spend my hard- Union’s Finances to the College Council and any issues. It’s quite scary as President that you President (Education) and Deputy President glancing at the clock and staring at the 2 lines impending deadline to kick start a student into President you get to have a go at pretending to Welfare Board which Hannah chairs, I run across earned cash. The weekend vanishes in a fl urry of changes to our constitution have to be approved do oversee all of the staffi ng in the Union, not (Welfare). My successors need not fear- I’ve got I’ve written so far. Then a student knocks on my action. It’s crisps for dinner plus some cake while be James Bond twice a year on exercise, but in to High Street Ken to buy the cake that Hannah food, sleep, a reluctant gym visit and shopping, by them (formality due to the Education Act 94 something that can be discussed so that’s a part a military-style training programme planned so door- they’ve had problems paying their tuition all the welfare and academic reps come together reality hopefully you won’t have to do it for real. promised she would bring to her committee ready to start all over again the following – usually just a rubber stamping exercise.) Then of the job that students don’t get to hear about they can hit the ground running when I depart for fees and need some support and advice. The to discuss issues that have come up in recent I fi nish off the day with Union Council. members after seeing a pitiful collection of the Monday. later Jov, Felix Editor, rings me up for a quote on because of our lovely staff student protocol. But good on July 31st…. article glares at me from my computer screen, College meetings, as well as some of the other college biscuits she’s been hoarding that she the latest issues, this time the security breach don’t be scared by that – everyone at HR is very but I turn my back and we devise a plan of problems Imperial students have encountered as was going to pass off instead (minus the special This job can be as easy or hard as you make on the Union’s online fi les. He’ll often ask for a helpful and guides you through everything step action that means a few phone calls to some well as allocating money to campaigns students chocolate ones that she’s keeping locked in the Tuesday it. The majority of the time I love it, and often Tuesday quote whether it is within the Union, College or by step and most of the day to day things are College Departments. As the student leaves, and societies want to run. drawer for emergencies!) Today’s meetings have more of an education feel disappointment when you realize you’ve Today I only have an hour to catch up on the even externally (like those ridiculous national handled by the general manager anyway – that’s with instructions to put the fi ner details down focus, with Science Studies Committee only got a year to achieve all of your aims. latest emails and make a few phone calls to ID cards!) Later on Stoic drops by and asks for one of the perks of being the president – you get in an email to me, I turn back to the screen and I’ve been asked to review a few documents by followed by a meeting to discuss Assessment As you can tell from above, I often sign up to tie up any loose ends before I’ve got to head a very quick interview after the recent paper at to delegate! stare at the cursor until I’m distracted by an the College and because it’s 2-for-4 at Ask , and Feedback, something which we’re not more than I can manage, with a lot of my days off to get to Cambridge for 12noon in time for Union Council passed which created another At last it’s Friday! urgent email until I am rudely interrupted by the Medic’s Union President and I head off for scoring as highly in student surveys as we fuelled by stress and sugar alone. However, it’s an Aldwych Group meeting; we have these Sabbatical role and I’m very pleased to oblige I have meetings with CAG and RAG as they’re No week is the same and there are always my phone. It’s Jov ringing to tell me he’s almost a working dinner round the corner. Three hours like. The preparation for these meetings can more than worth it when you get an email from roughly once a month. The Aldwych group is but it can only take thirty seconds because both Presidential committees and I try to give plenty of surprises to keep you on your toes. But given up and has fi lled half the page with an later, forty pages of annotated policies covered be immense, and I’m glad I got most of the a student thanking you for your efforts or lie made up of all of the Unions of the Russell I need to run off to have a meeting with the them as much support as possible. CAG is taking the difference you can make that benefi ts the advert already. Argh! With half an hour until in highlighter and a couple of glasses of wine leg-work done last week. This is followed by a in bed knowing that through your persistence Group Universities and we meet at a different Student Adviser. part in this very exciting pilot scheme with an lives of students makes it the most rewarding Safer Neighbourhoods to go, I frantically tap down I feel like I’m back to square one. I think lunchtime presentation on the new visa rules. (and diplomacy!) you’ve made something about Students’ Union every time. At these meetings organisation called FoodWorks and I meet with job you can ever expect to have away until something half resembling an article it’s defi nitely time for bed. This year my brain has turned into a veritable students’ lives at Imperial that bit better, even we share best practice on a whole range of their director as well to discuss fun things like is winging its way to his inbox at two minutes sponge, absorbing all sorts of education and if they don’t always directly know it. And that’s to six. I run to the Sherfi eld where the Head of welfare-related information and tit-bits. Some Friday what it’s all about which is why, if given the Security has luckily supplied some sandwiches of it is certainly more useful than others, but if Uh-oh. Today is a Graduate School’s meeting. opportunity, I’d never go back and click on and biscuits (hooray!) to get us through the next you want opening hours for local doctors, our The printer seems to have messed up so I had ‘Withdraw from election’. Not for all the biscuits For more information and to stand: imperialcollegeunion.org/elections two hours of crime statistics and giving local policy on student withdrawals or our student only half of the thirty-six papers waiting in my in the world. 18 felix Friday 13 February 2009 Friday 13 February 2009 felix 19 [email protected] Arts Culture & Arts Editors – Caz Knight, David Paw and Emily Wilson Budding culture vulture? Write for us. The Arts [email protected] The Carnival comes to town Rosie Milton attends the Tate Triennial and attempts to connect the dots in a cavalcade of global art

set off on Monday morning for which the artists could project change the Tate Triennial: ‘Altermodern’ and ‘alter’ the meaning of art today. Prepare for total entertainment as if on an expedition to a remote Bourriaud suggests that modern art (or Visual synaesthetics by the hottest international VJs? A three hour film pondering the fundamental place. The Tate Triennial, only 4 postmodern even) is ‘dead’ and today’s events old, is another large-scale ever-increasing global reach of art de- absurdness of existence? Nah. Give me old-school entertainment any day, says Emilie Beauchamp art event or ‘mega-exhibition’ like that mands a new term and definition of Iof the Moscow Biennale, the Havana contemporary art and processes. The Biennial or the more well-established collective effort is clearly important to hen I heard that Les excited to finally discover the cause of tive way to convey their message and of the group, she is a mix of sensual they are so good at it that you just want Venice Biennale to name just a few. this triennial event whose main focus is 7 Doigts de la Main all the praise! exchange with the crowd. We thus waltz and pure strength, exalting talent more of it and less dancing. Somehow ‘global citizens’ of the art travel – the artists breaching space and (literal translation: Les 7 doigts de la main started in meet Will, Heloise, Brad, Francisco throughout the entire show. But all of Still, the constant humor and pleas- world manage to make their way to time to reach one another through the The seven fingers 2002 in Montreal from a mix of art- and Philip. They confess to us stories them are worth special mentions, most antry contained in the skits make every these destinations but I cannot say global space and creative dimensions. of the hand) were ists graduating from Montreal’s Ecole of their life, share songs and dance, sal- of them being also trained in various one of them fascinating. Moreover, the that I am one of them yet. However, Bourriaud insists that with the Alter- in London, I was gladly surprised to Nationale du Cirque and slowly made sa, hip and hop around the stage with side expertises such as classical and music choices are bulls-eye in sync with the Tate Triennial presented itself for modern show, “artists can exchange Wsee that this French Canadian circus their way up the ladder of success. In basketballs and skateboards… Oh, and jazz piano, magic tricks, painting and the performances and the choreogra- participation and possible scrutiny and at a planetary level for the first time”, company had made it to this side of the this second production of theirs, they they’re also acrobats by the way… even the Didgeridoo! phies; urban, eclectic and dynamic. so I endeavoured (with excitement) to however this notion is somewhat con- continent! elected to premier five young art- They all have their strengths and Divided into about 10 scenes, the Finally, this new wave modern circus be a part of it. For me all it really meant testable, considering the focus of sev- Well, apparently they had already ists fresh out of school to feature in a weaknesses and a few lapses could be show allowed each of the artists to per- troop really succeeds in this innovative was to pop up the road and over the eral large-scale art festivals the world- been at the Edinburgh Festival in 2007, doomsday situation where they are all observed throughout the performanc- form their acrobatics individually but and more sensitive approach to en- river (I live in Battersea), but I don’t over have addressed segregation in the creating a commotion with their new stuck in a bunker, with an unknown ca- es, but improvisation and great team also as a group. While all of the scenes tertainment, acrobatics and dance. In think there is a single person in Lon- art world, as well as attempting to ex- approach to circus, mixing disciplines tastrophe outside the door. work easily repaired any damage. All present some form of acrobatics or short, Traces is an amazing chance to don who was not aware of the snow- press a similar intent with the concep- and acrobatics in astonishing ways. Les The idea is to see how they live and were amazing at hand balancing, tum- tumbling, many feature different types discover what circus is all about these laden weather on Monday and so for tualisation of artworks. 7 doigts de la main are now in London express themselves in what is meant to bling and Chinese poles, while other of contemporary, urban dancing. These days and is definitely a good alterna- me, such a short trip meant gearing The other artworks in the exhibition until March 14th with their new show, be the last hours of their lives, using specializations included the German were very artistically interesting, but tive to overpriced Cirque du Soleil this myself up like a mountaineer to bat- range from stream of consciousness Traces, which critics have already ac- creativity as a remedy to annihilation, wheel and the teeterboard. however were definitely not the strength winter. I must confess: while I am still tle conditions our London streets are amateur acting films to mechanical claimed, saying this show will make so to “leave their traces as best they The star of the show is without doubt of the performers, some of them look- skeptical about the dancing, I did end so unused to. When I arrived it was heads gormlessly yet musically com- you drop everything and enrol in the can”… They do so by first presenting Heloise Bourgeois, the only girl in the ing slightly not at ease. And while it is up thinking about joining the nearest with a sense of triumph therefore and municating in harmonious grunts; nearest circus school... Being from themselves to the crowd. troop, who used to excel in eques- understandable that a 120 minute show circus school. For half a day at least… of adventure. liquid slides projected onto the walls Montreal, but having failed to go see From the beginning, you can see they trian vaulting, trampoline and dance with only acrobatics would be totally The museum was quiet – a perfect – possibly invoking the club culture of them in their “hometown”, I was very use a very interactive and communica- amongst other skills. The centerpiece exhausting for the performers, I guess Until March 14th atmosphere for investigating artworks acid past? It all appears carnivalesque with a complex thought process behind to me – the bright colours and rotat- them – although as I shall explain, this ing panels of Franz Ackermann’s urban particular event will probably be bet- prison-like space, the vibrating plates ter suited to the hubbub of the general on the floor translate Nathanial Mel- public. Entering into the more classi- lor’s brainwaves and even the video cally-designed ‘white cube’ space of the ‘Giantbum’ about some lost travellers Tate Britain, with its high ceilings and who find themselves inside the intes- rooms punctuated with columns, the tines of a giant recalls Rabelais’ ‘Gar- architecture struck a dramatic contrast gantua & Pantagruel’, a significant tale with the modern (or should I say al- in literature of the carnivalesque. termodern) artworks, especially in the Contrasted with this colourful and first room and the ‘octagonal’ room. bizarre melee of ‘altermodern’ artistic A larger part of the Tate Britain expression sounds the soft, controlled has been taken over by the Triennial, voice of Nicolas Bourriaud who is pos- hosting the works of 28 artists (from sibly playing the puppet-master in this around the globe). Stepping through elaborate stage show. Bourriaud him- the entrance to the Triennial, we walk self likens the Triennial to a theatrical under the words ‘PAŁAC’ in neon performance, describing the unfolding pink, which in Polish means ‘palace’. of events as a “libretto”. This particular introduction invites you to imagine a fairytale castle, or perhaps the inside of a fun-house at a “the artworks are fair, which is more how it appealed to me. The artist’s intention was to draw passionate and parallels between the neo-classical ar- chitecture of the galleries and the Pal- complex, but the ace of Culture and Science in Warsaw. The first room had giant shapes in meaning is not bold colours, like oversized baby’s building blocks and all along the walls expressly clear” were Pascale Marthine Tayou’s masks with cartoon-like faces painted onto them, intended as relics of the ‘future- past’. Entering into the ‘octagonal’ For me the artworks are passionate room, we cowered beneath the giant and complex, but the meaning is not mushroom cloud of silver pots and expressly clear. The somewhat dry pans of Subodh Gutpa’s ‘Line of Con- theory and definition of ‘altermodern’ trol’, further adding to this element of does not correlate with a sense of the the fantastical, but also succeeding in ‘collective’ – after all the artists each making us feel like Lilliputians in this made individual works and the artist dramatic space. has worked as an individual throughout Altermodern as part of the globaliz- history. Perhaps a few more collabora- ing of art seems to be reaching more tive works would have put this idea of towards that global scale in terms a collective across or even an attempt of the size of the artworks, for in the to make art for art’s sake – the age-old next room we found a giant accor- dictum is one which seems to have dion, Rutha Ewan’s ‘Squeeze Jukebox’ been lost behind the ‘modernisms’ of – perfectly proportional and with glit- time. As I took my final cursory view teringly glossy keys readily prepared around the exhibition space, I suddenly for ‘assistants’ to perform well-known felt an overwhelming sense of displace- musical ditties on it at a point in the ment. It did seem as if these artworks day (when the exhibition is open to the were trying to take you somewhere – public). on a journey into the dark secrets of Nicolas Bourriaud is a French art the mind, but where that path leads is critic and curator, co-founder of the not somewhere that one can trip down Palais de Tokyo in Paris and creator easily. Yet for a moment I wondered if of ‘altermodern’ – the term and the there might just be a chance that I am collective meaning of the exhibition. ‘altermodern’, too? He described the event as starting as Between her daughter’s pubescent theatrical gestures and occasional self-impalement, mumsy struggled to keep up with Adam’s ADHD a “dream catcher, a blank space” onto Until April 26th After completing Final Fantasy XII for the fortieth time, Janice found herself with a lot of spare time 20 felix Friday 13 February 2009 Friday 13 February 2009 felix 21 Food Travel Food Editors – Afonso Campos & Rosie Grayburn [email protected] Travel Editor – Dylan Lowe [email protected]

The Titans outeat Vapiano in the arpeggios Parents - Franz Josef Glacier the Teletubbies Rosie Grayburn visits an intriguingly unusual dining spot Bane of the Dylan Lowe braved the cold to climb the ice. Sweet as.

Afonso Campos Adventurous? efore I start, I would like kind, estimated to shift 7 cm per day. aplenty; seizing the opportunity cam- Food Editor Dylan Lowe to pay tribute to the two And it is advancing. eras snapped and eyes gleamed against Travel Editor Australian lads who died Its sheer size is reflected upon its as- the scenery, before we proceeded to a month ago on the neigh- sociate village, which is simplistic and trample over freshly-carved stairwells. t started abruptly and without pork sandwhiches and buffalo chicken bouring Fox Glacier. They too miniature for a tourist hot spot. After a debate over the futility of any consideration for St Au- wings. I am not usually attracted to his Sunday I am lazing in hours lecturing us on hazard after haz- went over the safety line, sure; but did Standing outside the Franz Josef Gla- heli-hiking (what’s the point hovering gustine’s theological principle this genre of food, but Bodean’s has my bed. And the weekend ard. That is if they let us venture into Bthey deserve the tonne of ice that came cier Guides HQ, after a sleepless night over the glacier?), several Christmas of just war. There was no warn- this incredible pull on me. It definitely after that. Easter holiday? the great unknown in the first place. crumbling down and so prematurely in the local YHA infested with rowdy carols (it was Christmas Eve) and the ing and certainly none of the jus makes my chest hair darker just at the Revision. Hang out with With the backdrop of teenage alco- ended their lives? I don’t think so. tourists, my jaws dropped not to yawn cheesy photos at the highest point of ad bellum criteria for the beginning of thought. It’s quite brilliant. mates. Perhaps canoe- holism and gang culture, no wonder I appreciate that not everyone can but in surrender to awe. This is no the hike, we descended. Being the fast Iany war were met. The war was un- A nine person group is hard to seat ing somewhere in Devon, but nothing parents are too afraid to release their find anything spectacular or glorious longer a lump of ice, but nature’s fury track, this section was flat and lacklus- precedented in proportion. My help- in a space as small as Bodean’s and as a Tmore adventurous than that. kids into the wild. Fair enough. Yet they about glacier hikes. A colossal lump of charging down the mountains over tre. But being a scramble than a trek, less oponents could barely trust their result, we were split into two different Or so they think. are nurturing a generation of spoiled ice suspended in a valley is, after all, a geological timescales. we resembled the Fellowship fleeing vision when the proverbial hammer- back-to-back booths. Four on one table Reckon you are off the hook once the weaklings or, worse still, frustrated lump of ice. Shamefully, I once thought Geared up, the entourage of hikers from the Misty Mountains, the enemy heads and spears commenced flying and five on the other. Along with other surgeon had snipped off the umbilical teens turning to alcohol and drugs as that too. Then, a few lectures on gla- arrived at the glacier’s terminal face by being an increasingly grumpy stomach past them, shutting their hearts with a felix writers, I was in the four person cord? Wrong. Be prepared to spend means of escapism. ciation sprouted a burning desire to go coach. Growing confident on my fit- rather than a horde of orcs. fear that would scare even the bravest table, and what a table it was going to your childhood under parental dicta- What modern parents tend to forget see the real thing for myself. ness level, I joined the fast group and For NZ$140 (£50) the full-day tour of souls. become throughout the evening. torship, and young-adult days fabricat- is that growing up is about the expo- The Franz Josef Glacier offered a Kat the guide, a compatriot from Cum- guarantees six hours on the ice – I en- I take it all of this means very little to The waiter managed to mess up all ing lies in order to sneak off travelling. sure to danger, and the experience one solution. Located on the West coast bria with a degree in geography. Cram- joyed every second of it. My only moan you, and am even less certain that you our orders and apologetically brought Or at least that is how I would sum up gains from it. Allowing a child to burn of New Zealand’s South Island, it was pons on and off we ascended. was the treacherous 2 km walk across are familiar with the theory of war of each of us an extra half chicken on top my life. himself, sadistically speaking, is a more first scaled by Europeans in 1865. The And what an ascent it was. Al- a dried-up riverbed leading to our the 1600s. Let’s put things into context. of sausages, spare ribs, pulled pork, And I am fed up. The lies. The esca- effective way to caution him of the per- Austrian explorer Julius Haast paid though not as physically demanding awaiting transport. It gave me cramps. I am a male and like the typical male at coleslaw and a mountain of french pades under their noses. The gazillion ils of playing with fire than to tell him tribute to the Austrian emperor by as I had expected (I wasn’t gasping for Only if I had kept my geologist’s hat on, Imperial, my closest friends also share fries. At this moment, the war began. “don’t do this” and “don’t go there” that so. naming the glacier after him. Alter- a change), the labyrinth of icy tunnels waltzed among the pebbles gathering this problematic chromosome issue. We saw the extra food as a calling, drives me insane. I still love you, mum Yet parents do have a reason to fear. natively, call it by its Maori name: Ka and crevasses and ridges was a consist- samples and proclaiming Christmas As such, we have this inexplicable de- embraced our manhood and decided and dad, but make me stay in bubble Incidents resulting in deaths and in- Roimata o Hine Hukatere (Tears of the ent challenge and did not disappoint. had come a day early, would I quit wh- sire to prove to all XY’s that we are the to outeat the five person table. Our wrap for the rest of my life? Shoot me juries are, one might argue, miniscule Avalanche Girl). The glacier is known With Kat hacking away the ice to make inging. But no, I was too out of breath typical alpha males. The easiest way to friends now became our opponents. now. representations of the bigger picture as one of the most fast-moving of its passage in regular intervals, rest was for that. fuel this desire is obviously to outeat We were no longer a bunch of felix But I am not alone. We are all em- – they still happened. For that reason anyone in sight. writers, but a group with the common broiled in this public obsession with parents have an obligation to worry. After a lengthy discussion with a goal to test the extent of our shared the concept of ‘health and safety’. And quite rightfully so. group of friends as to where to have testosterone content. I guess I can applaud its merits in There are obviously exceptions. dinner, we succumbed to Bodean’s. We became the Titans, and our keeping most of us alive and intact. But There wouldn’t be an upsurge in the When I say succumbed, I actually weakling adversaries became the Tel- the repetitive safety briefings designed ‘gap-year culture’ if every parent sought mean we were drawn to the place like it etubbies. Even if you never have never for ten-year-olds? Tedious risk assess- to imprison his/her children within the was a humongous magnet. If you live read any Greek mythology or fried ments? I cannot help but wonder if our limits of their homes. anywhere close to SW6, you will have your brain with mindless, infantile tel- Vapiano HHHKK every sense of the word. Spread over bar. Prices range from £5.50-8.50. If society has become overprotective, if Ignore my rant if it doesn’t apply to at the very least heard of it. Were there evision, you know how easily a Titan the Middle East, the United States and you’re special about you’re food, you not squeamish. you. But for those whose parents would a typically american smoke house in could trump a Teletubby. And we did. 19-21 Great Portland St, W1 Europe, it’s a German take on an Ital- may like the fact that you can specify As for us, are we really so imma- physically restrain you from a bungee, Heaven, Bodean’s would be it. It is like We came. We saw. We ate. And then 020 7268 0080 ian bar. which ingredients you want, and how ture and incapable of looking after or check you into a mental asylum for ever mentioning “gap year”, a word of the angels felt pity for us mere mortals we ate some more. By the end of the Best: The environment; 10% off I arrived expecting another version of much of them go into your food: spelt ourselves that we need rigid safety and decided to prize us with their most evening, we were beating our chests for students Pizza Express, so I was pretty confused or normal pasta? more or less salt? you guidelines to keep us in check? Piss on advice: confront them, tell them why it valuable posession... in Fulham. triumphantly and screaming loudly on when I got handed my very own Vapi- get the idea. We got the antipasti and you, bureaucracy, for questioning our is time to let go. One might find it weird that I should the streets of Fulham. Our oponents Worst: Not exactly the best of ano ‘credit card’. The concept is easy salad to share. The plate was large maturity. As for me, I shall perform the John be so excited about spare ribs, pulled walked home dejected, lost. food for the once you get the hang of it: you browse and varied, with pickled aubergines, And so is the environment we are Darwin-style disappearing act – canoe- the counters, order and scan your card parmesan, mozzarella and a range of born unto. Our folks, infected with ing somewhere in Devon this Easter. Price: £20/25 per head on a black box, carry the food to your cured meats. They were all acceptable, this ‘social disorder’, would have spent Or so they think. It’s coming towards us! Arrgghh! Well, it won’t reach us for another epoch table, eat, drink, hand the card back at but an easy fix whose quality wasn’t the exit and pay with your real credit notable. The pasta we ordered was a SALMON IN BALSAMIC VINEGAR Just off Oxford Circus, where MASH card. It’s really an upscale canteen with disappointment. It was cooked ac- RECIPE BY AFONSO CAMPOS used to be, is Vapiano. It means ‘go- a twist. When you order pizza, you get cording to timers, but the staff should ing softly’ in Italian, which is a bit odd, a buzzer which goes off when ready. take the time to adjust them, because because it actually is a fast-food res- Now it may sound strange to hear that they were far from being al dente and taurant. Despite being a lively place, there is plenty of staff when you are were frankly quite stodgy. The sauces Beating the Valentine’s Day Blues spread over two floors, the décor lacks the one who has to order the food and were ok, the arrabiata was spicy, but originality: it looks like its come out of carry your drinks; but that’s the point not out of this world. Dessert was bet- No luck with the ladies? Guys not answering your calls? Forget the love potions. Here are the world’s an IKEA catalogue. A mix of pale col- of the place, the emphasis on interac- ter, but then again a decent Tiramisu ours and red give off warm vibes, and tivity. If you’re scouting for a romantic at an Italian restaurant is a must. At answers to all things singleton. the seating caters for different moods: restaurant to share an intimate chat, least their selection of wines redeemed high stools or loungy sofas. Lining the this probably isn’t the best place. How- the food, and my glasses of Valpolicella back is a glass enclosed space where ever, if you want a lively spot where diluted my initial dissatisfaction with you can watch the staff prepare your there will be plenty to discuss about on the place. food. You can’t reserve (unless it’s for a first date, this isn’t a bad idea. Vapiano is not for the likes of Keila-Joa Hounen Matsuri, Lovapalooza,The party get-together), but given the vast You mainly get to chose from dif- everybody, it is not a culinary surface area, there really isn’t a need ferent groups of pastas and pizzas, experience, but it does put an original Waterfall, Estonia Japan Philippines to. It’s an international franchise in though there is a salad and antipasto and fun spin on dining. 2 Salmon fillets Scribble your name and that of a crush Traditional music, ceremonious festi- Desperate for a snog? Head to Manila Rice onto a padlock, fasten it onto the val, unlimited sake? Anything sexual for an annual simultaneous-kissing Balsamic vinegar bridge and toss the key into the icy riv- at all? Oh wait, a 600-pound wooden event. It began as a Guiness record at- 2 Cinnamon sticks er below. He/she is now yours forever. phallus (penis) paraded around the tempt five years ago, where 5,347 cou- Salt / Ground pepper Allegedly. township of Komaki by horny middle- ples locked lips for ten seconds. The 1 Large Lemon aged men. Touch it if you still want kissfest now boasts a record for ‘most romance. number of simultaneously kissing cou- This recipe is not merely complicated but will give the idea to a parent or ples’ (6,124). a date that you have put some thought into what you are serving them, obviously propelling you to great heights. Kachikally Preheat the oven to 180C. Any prison, Crocodile Pool, Place the two salmon fillets in the centre of a oven-proof glass tray and fill it up with balsamic vinegar to half the height of the salmon. Cut some Thailand Gambia very thin lemon slices and place them on top of the fillet. Finish up with some pepper and salt. Place in the oven for 20 minutes. Locked up in Thailand for petty Take a dip in this algae-filled swamp of While the salmon is in the oven, cook the rice in a large pan with the two crimes? You love life is not yet cruci- a ‘sacred’ pool and become fertile – not cinnamon sticks inside. fied. Find love within your prison and if the crocs get to your cock first. Ap- When both things are fully prepared, remove the salmon from its bal- get married inside its walls. Do make parently they won’t bite and even allow samic bath and place it next to the rice on a shiny white plate. Serve and your prison guard best man or suffer visitors to stroke them. Proceed at your enjoy a ridiculously simple but tasty meal. Even if your date is mind-numbing, you can always talk about how you want to grow your own herbs too the consequences. own risk. Strictly Cabaret

HeatherPhoto by Daniel Walker Steele 24 felix Friday 13 February 2009 Nightlife Nightlife Editor – Catherine Jones (CJ) [email protected] Eugh! Public displays of affection! SATURDAY 14TH FEBRUARY

SMARTIE PARTIE Get a room! Valentine’s Special, featuring all things house. Djs include Steve Mac, Lisa German and Timo Garcia. Scala, 275 Pentonville Road, King’s Cross 10pm-6am £8/£10/£15

Catherine Jones URBAN NERDS DOES SNOW-

Nightlife Editor BOMBING VALENTINE”S DAY Picture of the Week Pigeons, by Amin E lmubarak 5th year M edicine want to exhibit your art. S end in photographs. We [email protected] SPECIAL A mash-up of reggae, crunk, hip hop, f you are of a delicate disposition FRIDAY 13TH FEBRUARY jungle, dub, D&B and more. Line up stop reading now. They are at- includes Foreign Beggars (live), Rusko, tempting the world biggest pub- POTTY MOUTH DISCO Tayo, Thunderclaps, A1 Bassline & lic display of affection (PDA), at This is a foul-mouthed Valentine’s Tempa T, all at 93 Feet East,150 Brick Trafalgar Square on Saturday at Masked Prom at the Bloomsbury Ball- Lane, Liverpool Street Tube 12am. Sponsored by Bicerin di Gian- room. The rudeness includes Disco 7pm-1am, £10, adv £8 free before Iduiotto Italian Chocolate Liqueur, this Bloodbath DJs, Let’s Wrestle (live), The 7pm Swearing, dancing, drinking, Potty Mouth Disco on a Friday night. is an attempt to break the Guinness Coolness (live), Shoreditch is Sh*t DJs World Record for the most number Bloomsbury Ballroom. SUNSHINE DAZE MEETS of couples kissing at the same time. 9pm-3am £10 adv/£12 on the door TRINITY It’s not just London afflicted with this The Valentine’s Ball for lovers who horrendous sight. Similar events will BANG FACE love to party. The first 100 ladies be held in cities across the world; from The legendary Bang Face returns through the door receive a free mix Vienna to Vancouver, Cape Town to for its monthly night at Electrowertz . CD and a free rose. Copenhagen. No one can escape. Reg- Vexed Factor is the “Neo-Rave dance- Hidden, 100 Tinworth Street, istration starts at 11am if that’s your off on Robbie Williams’ birthday. Dress Vauxhall. sort of thing. up as pop stars, wannabes, WAGS and £8 or £10 on the door before So it’s Valentine’s Day on Saturday. celeb rehabers...” midnight. It can be difficult to decide whether or 10pm - 6am Electrowertz, Torrens not to go out? No, I’m actually joking. Street, Angel Tube £10 LAST ONE IN’S A ROTTEN EGG It’s really easy. Here’s a short collection This particular Anti-Valentine’s of Valentine’s Day nights and events THE LOVE RAVE@SEONE- Party appeals to me. Perhaps it is the for this weekend. Large fun student rave with every- “Let’s explore the darkside of love!” on Finally, we need more contributors thing you could possibly want. Foam the flyer, or more likely, it’s the awe- for the nightlife section, especially cannons, inflatable bungee runs, 1000 some line up. One Man Party ( That’s from you freshers. Get in touch by sq ft ball pond, buckking broncho chal- Steve from Soulwax) and RKID (NYC/ sending a quick email to nightlife.fe- lenge, gladiator dual run, human gy- BE) are playing at 333 Old Street, [email protected]. roscope and of course... cheap student Shoreditch. drinks. 10pm-4a, Entry £5 before 11pm/£10 10pm-4am Seone after. Smartie Partie Valentine’s Day Special Where the beautiful people go... Catherine Jones reviews Beach Blanket Babylon, a fashionista paradise with Valentine’s Day potential...

chandeliers, coal fires and an eclectic tions, Beach Blanket Babylon could and then leave early, home to bed. Beach Blanket Babylon HHHHH “Imperial Girl selection of Boroque and Rococo style be for you. Forget dinner. Take her to Beach Bar Babylon is an official 45 Ledbury Hill, furniture. In the corner, a colourful was a hot this opulent, romantic venue. Spoil her venue for London Fashion Week. So Notting Hill Gate Tube curvy mosaic tile window frame, in- with one, possibly two expensive cock- keep a look out for fashion soirees in spired by the famous Spanish Archi- conversation tails (if you want to push the boat out), 20-25th February. Best: Service, style and tect Antoni Gaudi. Soon cosy and dry, sophistication I melted into the happy and romantic topic that night Worst: So so so expensive atmosphere. Bliss. Next; drinks. The cocktail menu at made all the Beach Blanket Babylon was... amus- n the deepest heart of Notting ingly extensive. The classics were well more relevent Hill, there is a unique bar, an ele- represented, but the eyebrow-raising gant haven called Beach Blanket celebrity cocktails set them apart. The when the Babylon. This is more than just Paris Hilton Classic Cocktail (£12) an overpriced hotel lobby bar. contains “a sugar lump coated in Bit- painfully large For one night I felt like I stepped into ters & Remy Martin XO topped with Ithe fabulous fashionista world, right Champagne”. How apt! bill arrived” into the pages of style bible Vogue. We ordered the Apple Daiquiri and The night began, terribly, lost and the Natalia Vodinoska cocktail, named lonely walking through the rain (cold after the famous supermodel. Both rain) in Notting Hill. I had made every were excellent quality cocktails, made our handbags. Should a man always pay effort to style sleekly, aware this is a with fresh ingredients and top of the for dinner? Our cynical conclusion; “At fashionista bar, and there could be rich range spirits. The quality was reflect- the end of the day, I think most people, and fabulous clientele. My delusional ed in the price, in the region of £9-12 male or female, will do what they think grooming attempts were ruined by the each. I have to say the service from the they can get away with”. And so, being rain. I looked decidedly more super- friendly staff was excellent and we felt cheapskate students, we decided one mental than supermodel. we were getting value for money. cocktail was well more than our budg- Upon arrival, I was greeted by the The antics of “Imperial Girl” and her ets could allow. We paid, said goodbye good-looking and friendly staff, and kind were a hot conversation topic that to the Beach Blanket Paradise, and re- seated in front of an open coal fire. night. So understandably, when the turned back to gloomy reality. Inside, this probably is the chic bar of painfully large bill arrived, we laughed So if Valentine’s Day is approaching, my dreams. White walls, period glass and began comical shuffling around in and you have no restaurant reserva- 26 felix Friday 13 February 2009 Music Act. Normal. Music Editors – Peter Sinclair, James Houghton & Alex Ashford [email protected] (they won’t suspect a thing)

Just say ‘no’ to The best value silent discos Badly Drawn Albums Wednesday night in town! Rather than write a proper article I thought I’d draw some Alex Ashford Music Editor silly pictures. Fabulous prizes will be given to the people RAG RAID AFTERPARTY who get the most right, so email us your guesses: music. i. I’m Alex. I’m taking make it into a regular feature. Wednesday 18 February over editing this thing I haven’t really planned anything to [email protected]. Bonus prize to anyone who figures from Susan. felix is one talk about in this column but I am sup- 20:00-01:00 of the few things at Im- posed to make it up to 550 words. So out my mistake, the one that’s a single instead of an album. perial that distracts me I am going to use this space wisely. I from my general disenchantment of it want to warn you of a subcultural men- The Union’s famous electro-house Hall and deep feelings of regret at ever ace, a reminder that the Darwinian coming here in the first place. (Aww...) principles of natural selection does not and modern house music night. Although obviously the real reason apply to humans and that the weakest, only I’m here is that I just want first dibs on stupidest, most pathetic of our species guestlist passes and promo CDs, plus I are among us and prospering. Most would also like to finally have one extra recently they struck last Friday when £1.50 -curricular activity on my mostly bar- a swarm of them appeared without ren CV. warning at Liverpool Street tube sta- The music section is mostly com- tion. I am of course talking about si- a pint! prised of things that you submit, if you lent discos/ipod flash mobs/mobile 1 2 3 4 want to review a gig you’ve been to or clubbing. write an opinion piece on the decline They seem to involve stupid, smug Friday 20 February of “real music” or anything like that, teenagers who are desperate to be part email us. It doesn’t really matter what of what they believe to be a hilarious, 20:00-02:00 kind of music you are into, we like va- shocking, “underground” in-joke. In riety. If it’s the opposite of what I like, reality, everyone on the planet is aware I’ll probably just think it’s a brilliant of these things, I think there was even sarcastic joke anyway, kind of like what one on a CSI episode once. Imagine be- Imperial Girl writes (I mean, it’s all a ing a banker in the city, having worked 19 February joke, right?) all day in a job that you are holding If you met Vanilla Ice in Boots on onto by the thinnest of threads, finally 5 6 7 8 Wednesday, tell us about it. If you getting to go home, only to be stopped Andy C MC IC3 only have discovered satanic messages on and miss your train due to 12,000 peo- £2.00 a Beyonce track, let us know. If your ple all dancing in silence wearing ipods toast this morning burnt in a way that (something that looks ridiculous at the Macpherson FABRIC LIVE a pint bears a striking resemblance to Gary best of times) and looking at you with Numan, show us. If Joaquin Phoenix a smug sense of selfish satisfaction that is your favourite rapper, write about it. they ruined your day and are “messing Pasco KOOL FM This week I thought it would be mildly with the system”. Not to mention that 1 1 1 entertaining to do a “guess the album they are just mimicking a T-mobile UNIONdjs (UNION@FABRIC) cover” thing. If you try it, let me know advert. Talk about raging against the 9 0 1 2 if it was really difficult or not, we might machine there, guys. Jordan V Movement, V recordings BBC1xtra 20.00-01:00 Jeniferever at the Luminaire double 1 £5 - buy online now! smirnoff Chris Walmsley to soundtrack shows. Perhaps it would 1 1 1 be a good thing if they weren’t; tonight and mixer Jeniferever’s ambient landscapes sweep demonstrates how their music should be 3 4 5 6 only £3.00 panoramically through the Luminaire enjoyed, as the full focus of your atten- tonight, captivating the audience with tion. After all, it would feel terribly out soft and delicate charm. Fans of music of context to soundtrack Jeremy Clark- along the lines of the ethereal Sigur son’s ramblings about the latest supercar Ros will certainly find here something on Top Gear. to cherish. Previews of songs from their forthcoming sophomore album certainly show a band building on 1 1 1 2 their strengths, continuing on a similar path to 2006’s debut ‘Choose a Bright Morning’. 7 8 9 0 Kristofer Jönson, the band’s frontman, sways in front of the microphone with his hushed voice floating above glassy, glistening guitars. The mood feels ret- rospective, the eerie ‘Swimming Eyes’ with its weeping delay drenched intro being a personal favourite. It’s a very strong set, interweaving old and new al- 2 though there is a predictable omission of 2 2 2 Hip-hop, Dubstep & Drum and Bass early EP material. Certain honesty shines within the 1 2 3 4 band; the lyrics performed in English does make their music easier to connect to than their aforementioned Scandina- vian contemporary, not to mention more pronounceable song-titles. At the core, however, they are very similar – both imperialcollegeunion.org/ents produce enthralling music, building on tranquil foundations. 2 2 2 2 Imperial College Union, Beit Quadrangle, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB It remains to be seen whether Jenifer- The Union encourages responsible drinking. R.O.A.R. Student I.D. Required. ever are on the radar of TV executives, ever more frequently using their post- 5 6 7 8 rock peers like Sigur Ros and Mogwai Looks shockingly like Dan Wan! 28 felix Friday 13 February 2009 Friday 13 February 2009 felix 29 Film [email protected] Film Film Editors – Zuzanna Blaszczak and Jonathan Dakin [email protected] For the Lovers and Haters of Valentine’s Day Regardless of where you stand, Jonathan Dakin has decided to suggest films for both Lovers and Haters – Bad Taste’s corner films that sum up love in all its entirety as well as films that have absolutely no love in them whatsoever. Wacky not tacky... superb acting, first and foremost from This teen comedy from the young, new talent Jonathan Levine, Black Snake Moan our broken protagonist. Slim right down, eat only food of no t is that time of the year once the population of the world into either Whereas Haters very much hate this Regardless of where you stand, this but I managed to do it. will satisfy all comedy lovers (and those looking for a bit more). Director: Craig Brewer nutritional value throughout the pro- again: the day where greeting a pulpy, smiley, lovey-dovey mush or made-by-greeting-card-companies Film felix editor has decided to sug- So whether you are a Lover or a Hat- Writer: Craig Brewer duction and live a little as Rae (Chris- card companies churn out thou- a hard, fierce and embittered slice of day and everything it stands for as gest films for both Lovers and Haters er, kick back, relax and watch films that Cast: Samuel L. Jackson, tina Ricci). Be the sultry eyes and the sands of different cards which vengeance. it promotes the idea that unless you – films that sum up love in all its en- suit your mood: either snuggling up to Cristina Ricci, jutting jaw that echo the obstinacy of say everything you wish to say to Lovers are those who love Valen- have someone, you are no one. And of tirety and spin the belief that everyone someone you love or getting drunk by Justin Timberlake The Wackness HHHHK a Bible Belt upbringing. You just ain’t people you love and people that don’t tines Day: they take their girlfriends course we know that is not true, but is destined for someone else, as well as yourself and throwing bottles at the right gal. Child abuse has lead to nym- Ihave any love (yes – you can get Val- or boyfriends out and wine-and-dine Haters would say that Lovers want to films that have absolutely no love in screen. Director: Jonathan Levine phomania, bouts of Satre-esk nausea entine’s cards for single people now). them and treat them well and believe try to make them feel like they are los- them whatsoever – sometimes even I know which one I will be doing to- Writer: Jonathan Levine couple body to a foiled control ad- Valentine’s Day divides people into two in fate and the power of love… and all ers because they don’t have a signifi- promoting the hatred of love. And it morrow, now then, where has that bot- Cast: Josh Peck, Bad Taste diction. Rip yourself so that no man categories: Lovers and Haters, splitting that sap. cant other. was quite hard to find films like that, tle of Jack Daniels gone? ben Kingsley, can break you, welcome to Rae. After olivia Thirlby The human penis is bigger, in propor- a wholesome night of drugs and de- tion to body size and in absolute terms, bauchery, Rae is finally beat up and than any other primate. Humanity has dumped on the roadside. Enter the Stefan Carpanu a sex obsession. But there is a price to aptly named Lazarus (Samuel L. Jack- Single White Female pay for pleasure, sexual dysfunction is son), a lost ex-bluesman whose wife For Lovers Allie, a young and beautiful woman is There’s something undeniably like- rife, sex is laced with power and abuse. aborted his child and left him for his betrayed by her cheating boyfriend, so able in the quirkiness of The Wack- Here are two films about slightly unu- brother. Laz scrapes up the road-kill kicks him out and advertises for a new ness, something which has eluded sual, but very real, sexual dilemmas. and takes her home to mend up. roommate. Hedy, who replaces him, many teen-related, (romantic) com- Paramount Vantage presents our Upon finding out whom and what at first seems perfect, but then turns edies of late. What makes it even furioso Black Snake Moan (2008). Rae is, he implements the classic com- out to be a psycho stalker. This film is more extraordinary is that although Let’s start with the drawbacks. This bo’ of tough love and the chaining to a An Affair To Remember For Haters brilliantly dark and disturbing, and al- some drugs change hands, it’s not a film lacks a little in the scripting, and cast-iron radiator. But ignore the sto- Starring Carey Grant and Deborah though it does include love, it is stalker film that you can only watch if you’re Josh Peck has grown up... and become a marijuana-dealing hipster. the plot isn’t exactly complex: Deep ryline, Jackson is in the zone. He holds Kerr, this film is the inspiration behind love between women and it is love of high and weirdly enough it goes be- Southern, traumatised, skinny, white Lazarus together, picking through his the classic Sleepless In Seattle (another a darker nature, as Hedy is a psycho- yond showcasing private parts in or- girl fucks too much, to whom big ol’ character’s flaws to find a dark seam of recommendation for all you Lovers out path. Brilliant moments include a sti- der to be amusing. is playing out all the usual teenager and the soundtrack plays an impor- black man teaches error of ways. Not cool; the man is strong and bold, tem- there). Set on a cruise ship travelling letto heel and someone’s eye (ouch!) Fact is, the comedy genre is a acts, from being isolated and hav- tant part in defining both him and his to be taken seriously, this feature lacks pered by a god-fearing humility. Over- from Europe, a singer and an unem- Blade and a chase through a basement with a tough genre. It’s perhaps more mer- ing problems at home, to listening to world. Despite the fact that I am not depth; it strains for a gravity it doesn’t all the acting in this movie is fantastic; ployed playboy meet and begin to fall A half-human, half-vampire hunts and screwdriver. You have to be truly twist- ciless than drama or action, for a bad music and selling marijuana. One of a hip-hop fan, I appreciate how rep- understand. Particularly undermined we even see a passable performance in love. The catch? They are both en- kills vampires. That is it really. Just lots ed to enjoy this film, and that is why comedy is nothing but a bad com- his customers happens to be Dr. Jef- resentative and influential it can be, by its stereotyping, hypocrisy and sym- by Justin Timberlake as Ronnie, Rae’s gaged to their other partners, so they of guns, swords and blood-soaked ac- I thought all of you haters of love out edy, while bad drama or action films frey Squires, a psychiatrist endowed and its fit with the nature of the film bolism, the tale is dispossessed of real- longstanding boyfriend. Although this, decide to give each other until Valen- The Wedding Singer You’ve Got Mail tion. There is no love at all, only very there would appreciate it. tend to be inherently funny. So how with a few depressions and a delight- was so good, that I was taken in by it. ity, leaving it cold to the touch. But this I fear, is down to Ronnie being a piti- tine’s Day (which is two months away) Everyone can enjoy this hilarious com- Joe Fox is a successful bookstore owner sexy women who throw themselves is it that The Wackness didn’t pop ful step-daughter called Stephanie, to In the end though, what elevates The film ain’t for the head, stop thinking, ful snivel of a character, something our to break up with their other lovers, get edy starring Adam Sandler and Drew and Kathleen Kelly has a small chil- at Blade (including his own mother… Valentine up on many radars last year and this whom Luke is naturally attracted. The Wackness is the kindness and sincer- just live it. Coil up around the killer “Cry me a River” star can relate to. professional jobs and then meet on top Barrymore. An unlucky-in-love wed- dren’s bookshop. So when his huge yuck… but saying that she is one hot A serial killer dressed as cupid fires ar- charming, if a tad familiar story, lies ensuing mix of romance and friend- ity of the story and its protagonists. soundtrack, to just wander and roam So take this one as it comes, a shal- of the Empire State Building. Every- ding singer finally finds the woman chain of Fox Books moves into her honey). Can Blade stop a crazy vampire rows into the hearts of his victims. If mostly unseen and unheard of? This ship shapes up for an enjoyable ninety I may have a positive bias towards over the vibrancy of the picture. Black low teenage pout of a film with a soul- thing goes to plan until a tragic acci- of his dreams – but she is about to be neighbourhood and her business starts from taking over the world and killing you hate Valentine’s Day with a passion is even more surprising considering minutes, thanks to likable characters, the more classic-style of teenage com- Snake Moan is brought to life by some ful sound, thoroughly enjoyable. dent intervenes… marry a complete knob. Not only this to goes under, they obviously hate each and enslaving all of humanity? then watch this film as it murders love that it boasts a fairly familiar cast, in- authentic atmosphere, appropriate edy, whether we’re talking about The A film that is guaranteed to make film very funny, but also romantic and other. But neither of them know that The best bits of this film include co- with a hatchet. Who will survive a de- cluding Ben Kingsley, Famke Janssen, music and a well-written script. Breakfast Club, Say Anything or The women sob relentlessly (and as a man soppy. Funny bits include when he gets they are actually in love with one an- agulating heads, the smoulderingly at- mented cupid? A cast of extremely sexy Mary-Kate Olsen, Olivia Thirlby and What makes The Wackness a good Last American Virgin, but there’s I do not understand why), so men – if drunk at a wedding, the Boy George im- other, as they have been exchanging tractive women and the death of many women makes this film even better, as the unrecognisable (ex) child-star film is how well the actors inhabit nothing blander than a lacklustre and you want your woman crying into your personator and the rapping Grandma. love-letters over the Internet. How will vampires. Blood, gore, sex… Blade has Bond beauty Denise Richards leads the Josh Peck. their characters and how smoothly all unimaginative teen-com, such as St. chest (and you win bonus points for Romantic bits include the bit when she it end? Well considering the fact it is it all… And best of all there is no love cast of ladies on the run from the killer Labelled as a coming-of-age story, the aforementioned elements com- Elmo’s Fire or various “original” and comforting her and pretending to un- dances with an overweight child, and in this section I think it is obvious that plot, as Blade is one cold killer and uses who has decided that they will all be the film is centred around Luke Sha- plement each other to create a great obnoxious newer attempts, say Sex derstand why she is crying) then this is the ending on the aeroplane. This is a there is no murderous rampage ending women for one thing and one thing next. A typical horror with some very piro and something like a summer of viewing experience. There is a distinct Drive. Still, do give The Wackness a a must-see. movie that both men and women can to this film, so don’t worry! Tom Hanks only. And we all know what that is. grisly scenes (including a face being love – with less girl-on-girl action, feeling that Luke is in no-man’s-land, shot, chances are there is some truth watch together without feeling secretly and Meg Ryan sparkle in a memora- impaled onto a shard of glass), this film and a lot of old-school hip-hop. Luke looking to build and shape his values to my allegations. resentful that one or the other got their ble and sometimes touching rom-com The Usual Suspects was made with people who hate Val- own way and is forcing you see some- that will melt your heart and make you Often deemed one of the best films entine’s Day in mind – so you will be thing you don’t want to… Whoops – wish that everyone you met in a chat ever made and currently number 22 secretly rooting for Cupid to claim his maybe I am bringing up sore points for room wasn’t just a disgusting pervert on IMDB’s top films of all time, this victims. Just make sure you don’t take some of you reading this… or paedophile. is a thriller/gangster/crime film about a leaf from his book and get revenge on Competition Winner to the ground and unsheathes its ice- everything except love. Cleverly weav- former lovers. It is just a movie! Don’t 4 Months 3 Weeks 2 Days cold knife. As the film progresses and Sex And The City: The Movie Pretty Woman ing a story about a crime with a plot try it at home no matter how scorned Gabita nears her abortion, the weight Oh dear… Where do I begin? This two What woman doesn’t love the idea of a about the criminals themselves, the you feel! Buy a punching bag instead! For those who can’t remember, a cou- Director: Cristian Mungiu on your chest grows heavier and no and half-hour ball-breaker is definitely prostitute being taken from the streets film twists and turns, exploding into ple months ago we asked you about the Writer: Cristian Mungiu matter how much you wriggle and one for the ladies. I’m not sure there and made up to look like royalty? Ju- an unforgettable climax. film equivalent of the Ig-Noble. The Cast: Anamaria Marinca, squirm it begins to cut your flesh. Pick is any point writing a synopsis for this lia Roberts and Richard Gere star as Kevin Spacey chews the scenery in prize promised was a DVD of Pineap- Laura Visiliu, a level of misandry, it’s here. From the as every woman reading this article people from two different worlds who his Academy Award-winning role, ple Express. Congratulations to Vlad Ivanov trivial but annoying “my boyfriend just has probably seen it anyway. But will ultimately fall in love. The part that stealing every scene he is in from an Hazim Ghani doesn’t understand”, to the significantly that stop them from re-watching it? I women seem to love is the bit when all-star cast. Love it or hate it, this who got the answer right – it is indeed more agonising “so you don’t have all doubt it. But for the benefit of those of she goes into a posh shop and is told is a film you can sink into and enjoy, the Golden Raspberry Award. Now Mobra presents our lacrimoso 4 the money, eh, well you’ll just have to you who haven’t had the pleasure (or to leave for being too run down, only mainly because there is no love story! that the DVD has arrived at the office, Months 3 Weeks 2 Days (2008). Anoth- sweeten the deal”, this movie delivers pain) of viewing it, the Sex And The to come back and tell the manager she Just bad men committing bad deeds I’m happy to tell Hazim that he can pick er simple plot – a young girl needs an lashings of man-hate. Writer/director City movie is all about Carrie and her isn’t going to spend her money there: and ending everything badly. You have up his prize from the felix office. abortion in 1987 communist Romania Cristian Mungiu has excelled, the cam- friends trying to hold their relation- you will be applauding and screaming got to appreciate this – it is one of the Sorry for the delay in resolving the where it is strongly prohibited, so she era shots are simple and slow, adding ships together. Some relationships in delight! cleverest films ever, even if it does drag competition but Sony Entertainment gets one illegally. I struggled to con- to the feeling of an invisible observer. end, others are re-ignited. Some end For those of you who question the slightly in the middle. were late with the delivery of the DVD. tain 4 3 2 inside my head, I couldn’t, Throughout the movie Otillia stands well, others not so well. But the mes- idea of a love film about a prostitute, it carved its way into my heart. This tall, her sacrifices for Gabita are end- sage to take home from this is that men just try to pretend it is a fairytale rath- Die Hard With A Vengeance Kill Bill (1&2) one hurts, you are gonna feel it. From less, although a touch of disgust begins are only there to provide you with a er then reality, because after all: how No love. Just action and brotherhood- Okay, I know the film starts with a start to finish this film gives no respite. to curl her upper-lip towards the end Grease bigger wardrobe, children and/or sex. many hookers look like Julia Roberts male bonding over the activities of a wedding and there are hints of love in It lulls you in with what feels like the of the ordeal. Otillia is a rock who re- Grease certainly is the word- and this But there is a wedding, so the film does (and fall in love with the men who pay deranged, German terrorist called Si- between massacre, but on the whole most tedious half-hour of your life, you sists the ocean but is still scarred by musical classic is extremely romantic. promote love… doesn’t it? them to have sex)? mon. And Simon says that trains will this is a film about revenge. Revenge really begin to notice that this bore has time, Bebe’s evil has tainted her. This Who could resist sexy, hunk Danny or explode, vaults will be broken into and against a former lover who killed all no soundtrack whatsoever. Whilst the is a powerful production, but I can’t virginal, beauty Sandy? Everyone get John McClane (Bruce Willis) will kill of The Bride’s friends and family on tasks being performed by Otilia (An- say I’d watch it again, I’m too much of up and do the hand-jive, baby, because many people. her wedding day, shooting her in the amaria Marinca) for her friend Gabita a coward. this is one film that says that people A very cleverly plotted and execut- head and leaving her to die. Does your (Laura Vasiliu) are meager, buying cig- So there’s your choice of fuck-ups, from two different high school cliques ed film, which many say is the best love-life sound so bad now? I thought arettes, booking a hotel room, some- good luck, and don’t let them ruin your can fall in love despite peer pressure. Die Hard movie of them all, mainly not. And that is why Kill Bill is here, thing dark lurks beneath these appar- sex life. On a different note: I have my own because Zeus (Samuel L. Jackson) is because The Bride goes on a whirlwind ently meaningless labours. In the 25th Note from Editor: I realise that re- theory about the ending. A car flying dragged into the antics and has to stay rampage of revenge to kill Bill. But she minute Otillia meets Domnu’ Bebe views of both these movies were print- into the clouds? It is a metaphor. Two to play the games set by Simon. But leaves him until last – picking off oth- (Vlad Ivanov), a back-street abortion- ed in the film section last year, but once words: car-crash. They didn’t make it- why is McClane involved? Is it because ers who took part in her (almost) de- ist with a penchant for psychological again I couldn’t say ‘no’ to printing as they drove off into the sunset a lorry he is a cop… or is it something more mise. Does she kill Bill? Well the title torture. To be frank, he scares the liv- something written by Bad Taste – he hit and killed them both. But at least personal? Lots of explosions, gunfire would be wrong if she didn’t, but the ing shit out of me; his presence hangs actually responded to my appeal and I now they can drive Greased Lighting and death mean that you will not be journey to that point is extremely fun over the girls, a leering devil. It’s at hope you join me in saying ‘kudos’ to around the clouds in heaven forever thinking about whatever stupid day it and gory – butchering many people in this point that 4 3 2 begins to pin you you Bad Taste. Now tell us your name. Ricci has a knack for playing very disturbing girls, this is no exception. and ever… is… good! horrible ways. Samurai sword anyone? 30 felix Friday 13 February 2009 Friday 13 February 2009 felix 31 Technology [email protected] Technology Technology Editor – Richard Lai [email protected] and the button’s label will change to to remember. Here are a few (some al- whatever action you choose. ready used in Vista): • Win+p: opens the projector Themes and Gadgets menu • Win+m: minimises all windows Who doesn’t personalise their desk- • Win+Shift+m: revert all window top these days? To satisfy the general minimisation Windows 7 - hope or flop for M$? users, Windows 7 will come with a • Win+d: shows desktop more powerful theme tool that allows • Win+Home: minimise all but the Richard Lai test drives Microsoft’s latest beta OS on different machines, to see if it is better than Vista you to package several wallpapers into current window one option, so that Windows can au- • Win+Tab: Flip 3D hen Windows Vista tomatically cycle through them at set • Alt+Tab: cycle through live win- first came out back intervals. dow thumbnails in November 2006, On the Gadgets front, Windows 7 • Win+t: cycle through live applica- I thought, “Wow! has abandoned the sidebar approach tion thumbnails on taskbar (sic) At last! Some- in Vista, once again igniting the Win- • Alt-Esc: cycle through all open thing that can fully replace the dull dows-copied-OS-X flamewar (in OS windows WWindows XP.” Unfortunately, I was X, Widgets are spread across the desk- • Win+g: brings all the Gadgets wrong: not only did the first release top). To be honest, I couldn’t care less: above all windows of Vista consume too much system in Vista I only look at the Gadgets dur- • Win++ and Win+-: zoom in and resources, but the manufacturers also ing login, so most of the time the Side- out of the desktop (OS X has this failed to deliver compatible drivers for bar is hidden behind a stack of Win- Easier network connection feature since the Dark Ages!) Choosing which libraries you would like to share within a HomeGroup hopeful upgraders, thus rendering the dows anyway. “Vista Capable” labels meaningless. Here’s a list of the less exciting yet can Today, Vista is a lot more stable with Revved-up Tools home” using just one shared password. be useful extras in Windows 7: Service Pack 1 (and personally I am en- Steve Ballmer and Steve Jobs may not be friends on Facebook, but Apple will employ their lawyers to poke Microsoft if they are not careful. In fact, the real stars of this feature are • a built-in ISO disc image burn- joying the ride too), but many consum- Microsoft has finally decided to give a “libraries” - essentially “a way to ag- er, thus eliminating the need of ers are so afraid of Redmond’s obese little bit of extra with Windows’ built- gregate multiple physical locations on third-party archive or disc image OS, that they’d rather go through all However, since the ThinkPad’s flag, and you can still customize them Start Menu with minor update in tools. Kids and bored secretaries a computer into one unified view”, as software the trouble to downgrade their new graphics chip is not powerful enough, to make them appear in the icon area will be most impressed by the new described by Jerry (e7blog) on blogs. • Internet Explorer 8, which seems computers to XP. If you are one such Windows 7 has automatically disabled instead of just the notification box. The Start Menu in this beta build is Paint, which now includes a selection msdn.com. to be a late clone of Mozilla Fire- person, then you should read on to find the more advanced Aero features (in Since the taskbar is now thicker, the pretty much the same as Vista. The of shapes and brushes. The new inter- In other words, say if you have three fox 3 really so nothing exciting out why Windows 7 will be different. short: the fancy graphics as seen in clock now conveniently shows both only update is the additional recent face took cues from Office 2007, mak- Windows 7 computers on your home • Device Stage – a tool that makes Vista). This is why I prepared a second the time and date, unlike the old days documents list for each application ing Paint easier to use than previous network, then you can set up your connected devices look fancy in Windows 7: Vista on diet machine to play with: my lovely uni- when you had to hover over the clock – same as the taskbar buttons really. versions. Another tweak worth men- HomeGroup to view all photos of the Windows body MacBook. to show the date (which disappears af- Another change is that the power but- tioning is that Paint will automatically entire network within one folder on any • Aero Shake – lets you minimise Eagle-eyed readers may have already Again, installation was very straight ter five seconds). Further right sits a ton at the bottom right is now labelled resize the canvas to fit your pasted machine, rather than having to browse other windows by shaking the noticed that Windows 7’s full version forward using Boot Camp, and all the blank, thin button which simply does “Shut Down” by default, instead of a image, amking screenshot capturing through several network folders for current window with a mouse, number is 6.1.7xxx, meaning it is based Vista drivers on Apple’s DVD worked “Show desktop”. This button used to be misleading round circle that turns out much easier (just as I had been experi- different machines. Of course, you can but this doesn’t work for me all on Windows Vista (6.0.6xxx). This Boot screen of Windows 7 straight away. Now the taskbar buttons in the “Quick Launch” list right next to to be standby in Vista. If you prefer encing while writing this article). vary your folders’ individual privacy the time traces back to the changes Microsoft show a preview panel when clicked on, the Start Menu, so some may struggle Vista’s default setting, you can change Similarly, WordPad has also been levels and read/write permissions. • Font management is neater with made to their OS roadmap, when they and you can hover over each thumbnail to get used to this new layout. the button by simply right-clicking it, updated with a Word-2007-esque in- Easy media browsing within a stacked views of each font family, had to focus on patching Windows From XP to 7: cannot upgrade to highlight the associated window, terface, and you can even edit .docx HomeGroup is supported by the forth- as well as a preview of the font on XP’s major security vulnerabilities in while the other under the stack be- documents (Word 2007 file format) coming Windows Media Player 12 and the icon 2003, thus splitting the originally-sin- My first testing platform was a Lenovo come transparent. Pretty cool, eh? Of but understandably losing some for- Windows Media Center: rather than gle OS release into two parts. Perhaps ThinkPad X41 Tablet – a three-year- course, clicking on the thumbnail will matting. It also has Paint built-in, so scanning “the entire hard drive on the it was also this rush that made Vista a old laptop that has the rare touchscreen bring you that window to the front. you can edit your inserted drawing at computer to find media files and add Verdict (so far) Windows 7 Paint + Tablet PC = awesomeness + super fun time! badly polished product, so Windows 7 feature, perfect for testing Windows On the right hand side of the taskbar any time. them into a media library”, they simply is given the big task to regain consum- 7’s compatibility and its tablet func- are the usual notification and system One feature that is ignored by most use the Windows Explorer libraries as Windows 7 seems to be quite promis- ers’ trust for Microsoft. tion. To keep the test fair, I installed a monitor icons (power, network and users is Windows’ handwriting recog- shared by both apps. ing so far, especially with the tweaks In fact, Microsoft’s recent public re- vanilla-copy of XP Tablet PC Edition volume), but now with an additional nition, which is why I was very keen to that make Vista look stupid. My three- lease of Windows 7’s beta (Build 7000) 2005 SP3 along with the essential driv- flag icon which reveals an “Action try Windows 7 on the ThinkPad X41 Auto-resizing windows year-old ThinkPad had crashed a few has already impressed many critics, most ers (no Lenovo crapware apart from Center” box - a neat replacement of the Tablet. Compared to Windows XP Tab- times after my several attempts to run praising the smaller memory footprint their “System Update” tool), and then old intrusive balloons which are much let PC Edition 2005, Windows 7 is defi- This feature should have been included the Windows Experience Index assess- compared to Vista. Other notable im- the same was done with Windows 7. hated by XP and Vista users. Other nitely better at reading my handwriting in Windows a long time ago, but it has ment, but apart from that I haven’t had provements include the optimized task- As expected, Windows 7 did not allow application icons can be revealed by as expected. Furthermore, Windows 7 only been implemented by third-party any problems at all on either laptops bar, smarter windows management, less a direct upgrade from XP; you can only clicking on the triangle to the left of the will recognize at least six more lan- apps until now: by dragging a window (no blue screen of death for sure!). In annoying notifications etc. do so with Windows Vista SP1, so be guages on top of Vista’s twelve. to the left or right edge of the screen, fact, on the MacBook Windows 7 runs warned! Windows 7 will automatically resize it almost as smooth as OS X. It even Installation was a breeze overall - the Networking to fill up that half-side of the screen, wakes up straight away from standby, only user inputs required all took place and dragging to the top edge will max- which before Windows 7 this was an at the beginning, and then just half It took me a while to figure out where imise it. You can also do the same by OS-X-exclusive feature. Win7 Trivia an hour later I had the new OS run- to make a Virtual Personal Network using a combination of the Windows Many reviewers complain that Win- ning (but with missing drivers). Once connection to Imperial College - with key and one of the arrow keys (the dows 7 does not have enough new fea- the drivers were loaded, Windows 7 Vista I could do so in the Start Menu, down key restores/minimises the win- tures to be qualified as a brand new OS, still had a pretty impressive boot time but Windows 7 has moved it all to the dow). No more fiddly window-resizing but I beg to differ: given that Windows (from power on to appearance of desk- network icon on the right hand side of work for you! 7 runs so much better than Vista with Impressive handwriting recognition in Windows 7 top) of 1 minute 31 seconds, just 9 sec- the taskbar, which is slightly more con- what it has right now, I wouldn’t want onds more than XP. venient. On a higher level, the main Bits and bobs any extra premature features to ruin Highlights: networking feature of Windows 7 is its stability. However, I would agree • Smaller memory footprint Smarter taskbar Action Center with notifications Start Menu now with a clearly labelled power button (circled) HomeGroup, a protocol that is meant The keyboard shortcuts mentioned that Microsoft should make Windows • Optimized taskbar to simplify how we “share files, photos, above are just four of many available 7 cheaper than what we had paid for • Much-improved tools Upon first login, you may not be im- music, and printers throughout your in Windows 7, and most are quite easy Vista, to make up for the pain we suf- (Paint, WordPad, etc.) pressed by the same eye candy seen in fered back in the early days. I say drop • Smart windows tiling Vista, but do bear in mind that this is Zune and use the remaining develop- • Aero Shake and Aero still a beta release so the graphics may ment money to give us all the discount Peek not be final. However, what caught we deserve! • Optimized for SSDs my attention first was the revamped I do have one confession to make: my taskbar: it is now thicker, and by de- original plan was to also test Windows Beta minimum requirements: fault there are already three buttons 7 on a netbook (an Acer Aspire One) in • CPU: 1GHz (32- or 64-bit) docked. At first I thought they were this week’s felix, but due to the heavy • RAM: 1GB just ordinary quick launch buttons, but snow last week the delivery is delayed, • HDD: 16GB of free space with a bit of fiddling, I discovered that so I’m afraid I will have to delay the test • DirectX 9 graphics card dragging the buttons upwards reveals till next week, provided that the net- with 128MB memory a menu, showing shortcuts for the rel- book arrives before Wednesday. Un- • DVD burner evant programs (this is a “Jump List”), til next time, why not try Windows 7 • Internet access option to “pin” a shortcut to the top yourself? Any machines released in the of the list, and shortcuts to web book- last two years should work fine (check Retail editions: marks, recent documents and playlists, with the list of minimum requirements • Starter if supported. on the previous page). Intel-Mac users • Home Basic In fact, the above features also apply should definitely try it just for fun! • Home Premium to any docked buttons on the taskbar, • Professional so if you open any applications, their Are you using Windows 7? What is • Enterprise taskbar button will always have a list your impression so far? Drop us an • Ultimate of recent documents, and you can also e-mail at technology.felix@imperial. pin a shortcut. This effectively turns ac.uk by next Tuesday, and selected Release: as early as July 2009 the ordinary Windows taskbar into a With Aero enabled, clicking a docked button reveals a preview panel, messages will be published in next beastly cousin of Mac OS X’s dock. A Jump List above the taskbar and hovering over a thumbnail highlights the associated window. Themes in Windows 7 can cycle through wallpapers automatically week’s felix. WordPad has a Word-2007-esque interface and can edit .docx files 32 felix Friday 13 February 2009 Friday 13 February 2009 felix 333 Welfare Email Hannah on [email protected] Clubs & Societies Is your club cooler than the cat that Welfare Editor – Hannah Theodorou Email Nigel on [email protected] got the cream? Write to us. Clubs & Socs Editor - Alice Rowlands [email protected] Feeling under the weather? How to tell when those post-Christmas blues might indicate the beginnings of anxiety or depression. What do we really want from the David Allman life. Clearly, it’s vital to interrupt this someone anyway so that you can work Student Counsellor pattern. Although the last thing you out a course of action to attend to your might want to do is to talk to someone situation. It’s winter and the weather is cold and about how you’re feeling, it’s impor- Who else can you contact if you’re wet. Christmas and New Year are over, tant that you do. You might be imagin- feeling low? You could talk with a coun- opposite sex? and there’s a lot of work to do in this ing that you’re the only person in the sellor in the College’s Student Counsel- Every Nation Christian look into what the students of Imperial think about relationships and the opposite long spring term. It’s normal to some- world feeling like this, and not coping, ling Service, or with a doctor or prac- times feel down-hearted under these but there are certainly other students tice nurse in Imperial College Health sex. leads us through the weird and wonderful answers the students had to give circumstances. And it’s understand- around who will be feeling the same Centre. There are also counsellors and Tosin Ajayi able not to want to get out of bed some way, yet not wanting to let anyone psychotherapists in the Health Centre mornings! (Recognise yourself here?) know about it. College might not seem who can be consulted after referral via ith Valentine’s day Most people feel like this from time to be a place where it feels OK to admit a doctor or practice nurse. tomorrow, Every to time. However, if you’ve been feel- to not coping. Nation Christian ing miserable for several weeks, if you It’s useful to consider the broader Information about the Student Society Last Night don’t seem to be able to enjoy anything context in order to understand some Counselling Service is at: www.impe- ran an event called and have lost interest in your course people’s experience of depression. Life rial.ac.uk/counselling. To arrange an “Understanding the Opposite sex”. and your social life, and if this feeling for some students has become signifi- appointment, email counselling@im- WWhy would a Christian society be do- doesn’t seem to be shifting, it’s possi- cantly more stressful over the past few perial.ac.uk or phone 020 7594 9637. ing this? ble that you might be depressed. De- years; you might have to work to sup- Well, we like to think that if Jesus pression is common within the student port yourself through College and the were here, he’d sit you down like a good population, as it is within the popula- cost of accommodation is high. This is Information about Imperial College older brother and tell you all about the tion in general. And it’s possible – and the context within which you have to Health Centre is at www.imperialcol- birds, bees and explain those weird hu- important – to do something about it. navigate the demanding workload. Are legehealthcentre.co.uk. The Health mans out there who look like you with Some more questions. Are you eat- you feeling disappointed that your ex- Centre’s website is extensive, including funny bits attached. ing much less or much more than usu- perience at College isn’t turning out to a section about exam stress. A big part of the push for this event al? Do you feel tired for much of the be what you had hoped for and expect- was a survey, which you might have time? Are you having difficulty getting ed? Are you feeling homesick? Perhaps been accosted with in the past week. off to sleep, or do you wake up several you’re a long way from home which London Nightline – the confidential The aim was to survey 50 men and 50 Question 1 times during the night, or unusually might be in a different country. If telephone helpline offering listening, women, we ended up with around 70 early, feeling tired and worrying? Are you’re a mature student, are you having support and information to students of each sex. Said survey had the below While some might say that the prevalence of looks was to be expected, Personal- Men, it’s official. If you’re funny, you’re in there. Dust off that old book of one- you having difficulty concentrating in to juggle the responsibilities of child- in London – is available 6pm to 8am questions, the answers of which at the ity seems equally important (either that or you men lied) and while some may liner chat up lines. Romance, the age-old forerunner, might be truly dead, or at lectures, or when you’re studying? Are care and domestic tasks along with during term time, telephone 020 7631 time of writing, were to be used in a argue that Boobs, Face, Ass, Hair, Eyes etc. come under looks, they were each said least gasping on a respirator somewhere. you wanting to avoid contact with your the academic challenge of returning 0101. You can also contact Nightline game show at the event last night. And with enough specificity (it’s a word, I looked it up) to warrant separate mentions. Special Mention goes to: Big nose friends? Are you feeling particularly to education after a period in employ- via email at [email protected] here are the answers, your guide to Special Mentions go to : “No Man bits” & “Ability to get legs behind head” critical of yourself? Is it a struggle to ment? If you’re slipping behind with or via Skype at www.nightline.org.uk what the opposite sex thinks. (“What actually think, to work out what you course work and missing an increas- did Christians ever do for us?” I hear have to do, or to make decisions? ing number of lectures, it’s important you ask?, THIS!) Read on, you might If you’re experiencing some of these to acknowledge this. Don’t bury your www.studentdepression.org has learn something. difficulties, it’s important to talk to head in the sand. Talk to your personal further information about depression Interestingly enough, 5% of men sur- someone about it: depression can be a tutor, senior tutor, postgraduate tu- including: how depression works, tack- veyed said that love was the most im- downward spiral involving – for some tor, or someone else you feel you can ling depression, getting support and portant element in a relationship, while – feeling that it’s not worth carrying on approach in your department. If you help, real student stories. Desperate the closest women came to that was with the course, or indeed with your have slipped a long way behind, talk to right now? Worried about someone? Friendship, with a negligible amount suggesting love. A quick look at the answers that one sex gave but the other didn’t, shows Jealousy, Betrayal, and “A Third Per- son” among women’s answers. Some say at least three of these are just dif- Get on your bike ferent ways of saying cheating, some men say it makes it seem like women A decent D-lock is the ideal way to deter serious bike thieves are slightly paranoid, but perhaps that’s just their prior experience talking.

With the ever-increasing popular- The men’s answers included differ- Question 2 ity of cycling, the South Kensington Subsidised Bike ing expectations, selfishness, inability campus has seen a marked increase Locks for Sale to compromise and lack of sex. Mak- “She take my Money! Now I’m in need” seems to sum up a lot of men’s feelings Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner! Women apparently think men are shal- in the number of bikes parked on site ing it sound like men are scared that about what women are after. Hats off to the prophet that is Kanye West, speaking low. And a quick glance back to question 1 shows ... oh, they’re right. every week. Unfortunately we still see Imperial College Security the woman won’t want to do what they for 17% of men everywhere. Besides that, below the seemingly superficial surface, Special mention goes to: Someone just as messed up as they are a number of thefts from the campus. have purchased attack want to. Who knows where they get it appears that there might be enough men at Imperial who actually know what it The bikes that have been stolen are of- tested bike locks and are these ideas? Might be experience all is Imperial women are looking for. ten those that haven’t been locked up, selling them at the sub- over again. Special mention goes to: “Someone with Handcuffs” ones with insufficient bike locks and sidised rate of £25. They One of the questions on the “Under- those parked in insecure areas. are available at the Secu- standing the Opposite sex” posters was When it comes to buying bike locks rity Office, Level 1 Sher- “Is it even possible?”. To which many there are many different products on field Building with a per- answered an emphatic “No!”. Someone the market and price is not necessarily sonal cheque made out even grafittied on one of the posters to a reliable indicator of quality. The most to Imperial College Lon- that effect (thanks for the feedback). important factor is how long the prod- don during office open- And aside from knowing (or not) uct can resist attack. ing hours. what the other sex thinks, it appears that both Men and Women agree * You should look for products that largely on what it takes to build a rela- have been tested against attack. Check tionship. So the question remains, why out www.soldsecure.com for certified is there still this belief, based on ex- locks, or ask your local bike shop for perience, that getting on with the op- a recommendation. Check the packag- posite sex in close quarters is so hard? ing for more information. Perhaps knowing and doing are two different things. * Invest in a quality lock. Hardened Perhaps Jesus, in older brother mode, steel D-shaped locks are recommended would have something to say to move as the minimum standard. It is worth us from knowing to being able to do.

spending proportionately more on a And ultimately, that’s what last night Questions 3 and 4 lock for a more expensive bike. was trying to find out. Here, there was a startling similarity between men and women, with the top three Special mentions go to: Men – Change of Sexual Preference, Eating my food; More on that next week. In the answers being the same for both sexes. After these, it appears that the remaining Women - Different salaries For more information go to meantime, you’ve got your map to answers that both men and women agree on have a similar prevalence in both crimereduction.homeoffice.gov.uk. what the object of your affections sexes. might be thinking. May it come in use- Special mentions go to: Men – Believable lies, Women – Keeping secrets, secret Note: If an answer was given by only one person, it is not included, ful tomorrow. relationship. although ones that tickled us do get special mentions. 34 felix Friday 13 February 2009 Friday 13 February 2009 felix 35 Clubs and Societies [email protected] [email protected] Clubs and Societies

Fun facts about Mega Maalai

• The society is called the International Tamil Society, as Tamils Tamil Society’s Mega Maalai 2009 can be from India, Sri Lanka, Malaysia to name but a few. At Imperial, most of the committee consists of Sri Lankan Alice Rowlands reports on International Tamil Society’s annual Mega Maalai celebration and Tamils. • Mega Maalai has been running for 16 years. It originated in fundraiser with photographs courtesy of Ben Waran the Great Hall of Imperial College and in 2003 took place at its first theatre (the Lyric Theatre in Hammersmith) • Last year, the event was held at the London Palladium, previ- ous venues have included Hammersmith Apollo and Hack- couple of week- to help those in majority Tamil ney Empire. ends ago I ventured areas of the North and East of into the far north Sri-Lanka. These areas have suf- • All proceeds go to charity, which this year are Save the Chil- (of London) to The fered through cyclone-related dren, Tamil Aid and Tamils Health Organisation. Forum in Kentish floods and civil war, with • Sarees from the act with the singer Hari followed by a small Town, where Imperial’s Tamil So- any recovery hampered by fashion show were donated by Casipillai Designs- she has a Aciety were hosting Mega Maalai aid not being allowed into facebook page. 2009, an annual performance and these areas, or being too • Jimmy Nathan is President of the International Tamil Society fundraising event. dangerous for aid workers to this year, his moment in the spotlight came when he crept on The evening was hosted by Anu- travel to. to the stage to try and sweep glitter from it during the second jen Vijay and Prav Mahendrarajah, After some time of reflection half of the performance. who had the audience giggling and about why we were there, and • A lot of other London Universities have Tamil Societies that occasionally even breaking into some speeches on behalf host similar shows. Some of the acts perform in all or many laughter with ramblings about the the charities being sup- of the shows. joys of being male: “The world is ported, it was back to the • Many of the acts are choreographed by professional danc- your urinal” and of being female: entertainment: ers/teachers who do the show for free. ”You don’t need to fart to amuse The cute award of the yourself”. evening goes to a lovely per- After deciding that girls prob- formance from the ably have a better deal in life, Feltham dance com- they moved on to speak universal pany juniors, which truths such as how Dads have a involved on of the sixth sense that tells them when- smallest girls I’ve ever ever you’re turning the TV off seen move in-time to news and onto something else, music, doing a very good whether they’re sleeping or even job of keeping up with the older in another room, and how moth- girls. ers cannot let you out of the house Another high point was without a jumper or thermal vest, Radio Funkol- even in the heat of summer. ogy, who In a very brave move, the pre- gave a senters gave out their own mobile phone numbers, so the audience didn’t have to bother shouting if they wanted to heckle. By the end of the evening they’d charmed the “Raising money for quirky twist to their dance routine by using a two non-political ghetto blaster and an mp3 player charities working as a prop and having one of the dancers pretend to flick through to help people tracks on his mp3 player. Us- ing this gimmick they managed in majority Tamil to work dozens of songs into a areas of the North few minutes of dance; ranging from the funky ‘Dangerous’ from and East of Sri- Michael Jackson to ‘My Humps’ via ‘Backstreets Back’! Lanka.” The penultamate performance was a medley of dances, one of crowd sufficiently for one audi- which, called ‘Gaana’, is per- ence member to send: “I want you formed in vibrant costumes, with to marry my daughter. Meet me at big, billowing skirts. Gaya Gay- South Tooting Temple.” athrithis Rajasooriar, one of the ing one break-dancer who did an Charities supported by Mega Maalai Aside from thoroughly enter- performers, told felix: “Gaana’ is amazing move where he dropped taining presenters, the evening an upbeat style of dance with big onto one knee, at a speed that I’m provided a mixture of dance and movements and a lot of energy. It sure would have shattered my ach year the International Tamil Sociey selects charities to music, a lot of which seamlessley was originally performed by peo- knee caps! support with their fundraising events, this year they have combined the traditional and the ple who had laborious jobs, but is In all, the evening was one of chosen to support non-political organisations that work modern, including a perform- now mainly done as performanc- fun and entertainment, backed in Northern and Eastern Sri Lanka. Predominantly Tamil ance by Mega Melodies, who per- es in movies and shows. Gaana is up by a serious message, in population, these areas have suffered through natural formed modern music on some specific to Tamils as Bhangra is to raising money for a char- andE man-made disasters. crazy-looking traditional instru- itable cause. All that’s Gayathrithis Rajasooriar told felix: “This is all to raise money ments to great effect. “If we’re here next left to mention is the for charity. We’re supporting Save the Children, Tamils Health Or- Another more traditional per- particularly amus- ganisation and TamilAid. The reason we’re supporting two small, formance was Inisai Mazhai sung year, it’s because ing parting words non-political charities, that work in the north and east of Sri Lanka, by Hari Sanker and followed by we haven’t got jobs of the present- is due to the fact that these predominantly Tamil areas have been a short fashion show, with sarees ers: ‘If we’re here devastated by the recent cyclone-related floods and civil war and donated by Casipillai Designs. yet!’” next year, it’s be- aid is not allowed into the area so those caught up in the disaster Though the evening was gener- cause we haven’t rely on small agencies and connections. ally light-hearted, often quirky, got jobs yet!’. “At the moment, Tamil civilians are being murdered left and right. entertainment, there was a serious Punjabis.” There are fights between the Sri Lankan government and the main message behind the event: Every The finally of the evening in- Thank you to Tamil rebel group LTTE that have gone on for over 25 years now. year Mega Maalai is held in order volved the majority of the eve- Gayathrithis This is the reason so many Sri Lankan Tamils now live in London, to raise money for charities; this nings performers joining in a Rajasooriar Canada,etc. There have been protests- there was one starting from year’s charities were particularly big performance, loosely based for help with Pimlico on Saturday where over 100,000 people came and there close to Tamil Society’s hearts as around a battle , with some big quotes, facts and will be one outside the Sri Lankan embassy, on Sri Lankan inde- they were raising money for two group movements and excellent inviting felix to pendence day.” non-political charities working individual performances, includ- the show. Friday 13 February 2009 36 felix    What’s on...   Clubs & Societies Calendar  Editors – Lily Topham & Rachel D’oliveiro 

[email protected]   Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday          ArtsFest 2009 ArtsFest 2009 RAG Week ‘09 RAG Week ‘09 ArtsFest 2009  Artsfest 2009, the annual Col- Lunchtime Concert with Impe- The famous RAG Raid is the RAG is organising tours of Lunchtime concert with Choir  lege Arts festival kicks off with rial College String Ensemble highlight of RAG Week. Come Queen’s Tower every lunch- and Windband. a stunning martial arts and and Classical Guitar Society. along to the Union Quad, pick up time during RAG week with the dance display – just a small your free t-shirt, bucket and list opportunity for you to make a Time: 1pm   taste of the week to come! Time: 1pm of tasks and then go round Lon- donation to RAG. Place: Tanaka Foyer Place: Tanaka Foyer don collecting as much money Price: Admission Free All events (except the Finale) Price: Admission Free as you can! This is a rare opportunity to  are free and open to all, so get have a tour of the Queen’s Tow-  involved with something fun Time: 12-2pm er. At a height of 287ft there   and cultural this week! Place: Meet in Union Quad are panoramic views over Lon- Price: Free! don and a unique view of the  Time: 1pm Albert Memorial and the Royal RAG Week ‘09 Place: Upper Dalby Court Debate Albert Hall. Price: Admission Free ‘Imperial Does Royal Veterinary  Krishna Consciousness Socie- Dodgeball Time: 12-2pm College!’ ty invite you to a debte entitled Place: Queen’s Lawn “There is God. Now stop wor- Open Practice Price: Admission Free Want a change of scene? Come rying and start enjoying.” along to RAG’s joint event with  Dodgeball Film Calling all the ladies! IC the Royal Vets. It will discuss Richard Dawkin’s Dodgeball is running a girls- Showing atheistic arguments and only dodgeball open session ArtsFest 2009 Tickets can be bought online presents evidence of God from for you to come along and and all proceeds go to charity! IC Dodgeball invite you to come the Vedas. have a go! Lunchtime Concert with Onyx and see “Dodgeball”, the film Brass. For more details, contact: that made the game famous! Time: 5:45 pm Time: 12pm [email protected]. Place: Room 342, Huxley Place: Union, Beit This is an unmissable oppor- This is the first of three events Price: Admission Free Price: Admission Free tunity to see this acclaimed Price: £5 as part of Dodgeball Awareness brass consort dubbed “eas- Week. ily the classiest brass ensem- ble in Britain“ by BBC Music Time: 6pm ArtsFest 2009 magazine. ArtsFest 2009 Place: Clore LT, Huxley Dodgeball Talk Price: Admission Free Imperial Collge Symphony Or- Time: 1pm Artsfest Week 2009 finishes Professor Remco Polman, Chair chestra, winners of the 2008 Place: Tanaka Foyer with the Artsfest Grand Finale -Elect for the Division of Sport Symphuni competition present Price: Admission Free Concert. and Exercise Psychology of the a selection of works including British Psychologcal Society will Mozart: The Marriage of This unmissable event will ArtsFest 2009 be giving a talk on “Psychology Figaro. feature acts including Musical and Sport - Mind Over Matter”as ArtsFest 2009 Theatre, Funkology, Wushu, Artsfest 2009 presents Music part of IC Dodgeball’s Aware- Time: 1pm Sinfonietta and IC Chamber Technology Night at dB’s! ness Week. Place: Tanaka Foyer Come to a free showing of Choir. This year, the Finale will Price: Admission Free Wonderboys , courtesy of iCU also include the finals of Strict- Time: 8pm Time: 6pm Cinema and Artsfest! ly Come Dancing Imperial with Place: dB’s, Beit Place: Clore LT, Huxley celebrities: Dr. Martin McCall, Price: Admission Free Price: Admission Free Time: 7:30pm Dr. Emma McCoy and Prof. Artsfest 2009 Place: Union Concert Hall, Beit Martin Liebeck where one cou- Price: Admission Free ple will be crowned the first Try out a free drama workshop Strictly champions! courtesy of Dramsoc. Anyone RAG Week ‘09 ArtsFest 2009 is welcome – no prior experi- Finale tickets are available all ence necessary! week in the Sherfield Building The RCSU is kicking off RAG The joint exhibition between IC Welcome to What’s On! as well as on the door. You can with a charity ball at one of PhotoSoc and Leonardo Soci- Time: 3pm As usual, this page will also get an exclusive Artsfest London’s most exclusive night ety opens tonight. Place: dB’s Beit feature club and soci- 2009 t-shirt with your Grand Fi- clubs, MAYA. Price: Admission Free ety events running from nale ticket for a mere £5. Free wine and cheese Monday to Sunday of With an electric atmosphere and provided! next week. Let us know The Artfest Afterparty will be masses of FREE DRINKS this what you are up to! held at the Union. Entry is free event is not to be missed. Better Time: 6pm ArtsFest 2009 for ticket holders, so come on yet, all the proceeds are going to Place: Blyth Gallery The deadline for next over and party till late! charity. Price: Admission Free Come along to an authentic week’s edition is mid- Barn Dance and Village Fete! night on Monday 16th Time: 7:30pm Buy tickets online at February. Place: Great Hall, Sherfield www.imperialcollegeunion.org/ Featuring Jacob and the Hill- Price: £4/£6 (Students/Non- rcsu-351 billies as the fabulous Barnce Send in the following to Students) ArtsFest 2009 Band, there will also be stalls [email protected]. Time: 9pm from Real Ale, Cheese, Knit- Place: Maya, W1D 3RB Come to Bands Night, courtesy Sock, Balloon Twisting and - Club name  Price: £5/£10 (Advance/Door) of Jazz and Rock and Alterna- more! - Event name tive Music Societies! - Date(s) & Time Time: 5pm ‘till late - Place   Time: 8pm Place: Union Dining Hall and - Price (if applicable)     Place: dB’s, Beit Concert Hall, Beit - Short description of the Price: Admission Free Price: Admission Free event (max. 30 words)  38 felix Friday 13 February 2009 Friday 13 February 2009 felix 39 Fun & Games [email protected] A Quickie (Crossword) 1,424 FUCWIT 1 2 3 3 4 5 6 7 Coffee Break ACROSS 1 If not (4) League Table [email protected] 3 Preliminary test (5,3) 9 10 9 Athlete combining strength and flexibility (7) Teams: 10 German phliospher (5) 9 11 Cricket person (6-6) Team Shotgun 198 Points 13 Cedes (6) MÖchten sie mein Manschaft? 195 Points 11 15 Concert; of synchronized actions (6) Battles of the Charlesjust in case you don’t get it, this is a joke! 17 Item of cutlery (7,5) Scii Comm 25 Points Catch-up 11 20 Pre-Normal landlord (5) 21 African language (7) Team Rubbish 17 Points 13 14 15 22 All of us (8) 23 Problem; tear something on rough surface (4) 15 16 17 Individuals: Ravi Pall DOWN Giramundo 57 Points Coffee Break Editor 17 17 18 1 Side-on (8) 2 Sour Mediterranean spice (5) Hringur Gretarsson 29 Points 19 20 21 4 Sit again (6) t has been a long time since we mentalist maze, and the quickest sub- 5 First day of Lent (3,9) Jonathan Phillips 18 Points had a good long catch up. Seri- mission will get 5 points. 20 21 6 Go back to an earlier stage (7) Enoch 15 Points ously, it has been a while. Do you In this issue of felix there is a nice 7 Void; cancelled (4) remember those times when you feature on the college’s previous rec- 8 Shop selling sewing equipment (12) sat in your sofa next to a blaz- tors. It’s well worth a read. As ever the Ray Craig David 12 Ad infinitum (8) The Felix University/College-Wide Invitational Tournament League ing natural fire, curled up with a large comments section is a great source of 22 23 is new and improved. There are now prizes for BOTH the winning 14 Increase height (7) team and the winning individual. Imug of hot chocolate in one hand, and amusement, expect for Imperial Girl. I Known from: Known from : Known from: 16 Place of confinement (6) felix in the other? Yeah those were wish she would curl over in a ditch and 18 Multi-layered bulb (5) Solution 1,423 Basically, you get points for doing all the various puzzles and chal- good times. We would have a nice little die. She is so annoying and if anything Music Television RCSU President 19 Infection of the eye (4) lenges, and at the end of the year, the winning team and the win- monologue, me and you... well just you angers every one of my female friends L A T N I S M O H U L S O ning individual will win an iPod nano! The scoring is as follows: (this is all pre-written). I would tell you greatly. She is so arrogant to think she Biggest Achievement: Biggest Achievement: Biggest Achievement: I N S U B O R D I N A T E Doing this after ACC Bar Scribble box all about things that happened in the is the correct representation of female G T A N P U E D V W A E D Night so I couldn’t care all that 5 points for the first correct answers for Slitherlink, Wordoku, Lon- last week, what was coming up next students at IC. grrrr Hit singles after signing with Atlantic Craig Charles acquired cult status in Gaining entry to Imperial College M E R C I F U L O I D E S much. Basically I am hiding don Underground and Quickie. 4 points for second, 3 points for week, and pick out the best bits from Another thing brought to my atten- records. His single “I Got A Woman” 1988 as the Liverpudlian slob, Dave London, after a controversial tribunal, T R E I S F A Y C N I R N down in felix as people want third, 2 points for fourth and 1 point for fifth. this week’s issue. Good times. Those tion is that the student nightlife at the bringing his talent straight into the na- Lister, in BBC2’s long-running sci-fi where David was found to be a heroin U N G O D L Y U I D E A L to kill me. It’s not my fault Double points will be awarded for correct cryptic crossword an- were happy days. Remember Sikh MC? union has increased considerably. This R O C K E E E C H I S G L guys! Beer would have been tion’s view. comedy television series Red Dwarf. addict. swers, because it’s über hard. No, well that will be because he never term has been a lot of fun with lots of He plaved Lister until 1999. S W O O N N P R O B L E M on much longer but certain B A E N T S E I S E W E R turned up (to my disappointment). Ah events going on. Also the American Distinguishing Feature: Distinguishing Feature: clubs decided to have a fight. Simple! Now then FUCWITs, send in your answers to felix@impe- well, better to carry on not crying. So students from our affiliate universities Distinguishing Feature: A D Z E W T O N A L I T Y Anyhoo back to the matter rial.ac.uk or [email protected]. Go! taking back the usual tradition I will help make the atmosphere more in- He is blind! However was not born Ability to talk non-stop, about irrele- T A I W E O G K E U K A N at hand... awww fuck it. I just start off by saying the FUCWIT league teresting. For example the superbowl blind, he started to lose his sight around His highly recognisable face. He’s vant and uninteresting topics, without G Y N A E C O L O G I S T want to have a pint and sleep. C S E Y T K A E S A N K L is still, as ever, dominated by the usual night was so much fun. Not because of the age of five, and was rendered totally known as the dude from Red Dwarf or giving you the opportunity to politely Someone won. Well done. 2 teams, but the struggle for 3rd place the game – NFL isn’t my cup of tea – blind by the age of seven. Robot Wars. leave. is becoming more and more fierce. but because of the mass snowball fight Also notice that the league has been that engulfed Prince Consort road. Number of Children: Number of Children: Number of Children: divided into 2 sections. One for teams, I can’t wait for RAG week to start. I and one for individuals. We thought it heard there is laser tag in the Quad on 12 3 0 would be fairer to all the contestants Wednesday evening, during the RAG involved. Chaz really enjoys making Raid after party. AWESOME!!! Fact: Fact: Fact: Ho-bizzle-ro-snizzle-scopes! It’s the Horoscopes the puzzles each week, and it makes Only thing left so say is keep collect- him happy so many people participate. ing the top trump cards, and at some He gave each of his 12 children $1M In 1994, Charles and a friend were ar- He won some big science award, but After last edition’s shenanigans felix is offering a new and improved Horoscope recipe for tasting. I like! So he made another one. It is called point I’ll make the backs for you. tax free in 2004, just before he died. rested on a rape charge. we don’t know what it was. Aquarius Taurus Leo Scorpio

New and improved? So your girlfriend You try the be cool This week the taste of Seriously what the has a bad tummy by ordering a ‘Meg- blood makes you feel fuck? How can and has to go to aMix’ at your local terribly ill. But that’s something be both hospital to get it kebab house at 3 in not the reason you’re new and improved? checked. Whilst the morning. Whilst ill. The reason is your If it’s new it is based there they do a happily munching it flatmates making you Top Trumps upon unused technology. So if it is improved blood test with surprising result. The doctor, down you choke on a bone. It gets stuck and drink vodka until you throw up blood passed out then it is simply an update. If I said I had a new comes up to you... “there appears to be a large you flap for an Ambulance. Once removed it is on the floor. That and the fact they were kicking method of having sex– i.e. using a condom – quantity of Rohypnol in your bloodstream. taken for analysis and it turns out to be a penis you in the ribs all night long, forcing you to drink would you be impressed? Surely that’s just an Almost fatal levels.” Oh shit. You’ve been found bone. What do you mean penises don’t have more. After a trip to hospital you find out you Cut them out! improvement. I ramble. Fuck you all. out and are now going to jail to be gay raped. bones? Fuck you! Mine does... need a liver transplant. Shame!

Pisces Gemini Virgo Sagittarius

Fire, rape and That cheese grater This week you watch ACC bar night Highest score pillage. Three of that sits all alone the pigeons attack proved to be, umm the things that your in the bottom your food while errr eventful?!? It wins new girlfriend will cupboard will make you’re trying to eat filtered down that you be interested in. But an unwelcome it in the quad. Your chundered so hard you you weigh up your appearance at your so called friends burst a blood-vessel options... free sex with a proper mental girl, 22nd birthday this week. Your mates convince decide to pour their left-over baked beans over in your left eye. As a result you had to attend or a fat wank? The option of a real life girl just you that it will be an excellent idea for you to you, This causes the pigeons to peck at you lectures wearing large sunglasses. Your lecturer edges ahead. I suggest you keep your bum hole use the spiky side to grate your penis on. The until you are horribly disfigured. You spend the called you a cunt and tells you to get the fuck out plugged with a cork from a wine bottle. You bottle of Vodka in you tells you that it doesn’t rest of your life in a circus, known only as the of his sight. The class calls you Bono and an Irish Collect them all! can never be too careful. hurt. Come morning it does. Very much. shocking pigeon man. prick. Go cry into your whiskey. Aries Cancer Libra Capricorn

This week you are Work piles up this You are running low Last week’s Wordoku being businessed week. You spend so on money this week answer of snowyfuck heavily from behind much time sitting and cannot afford got you thinking. Watch this by your boyfriend- in your computer gum to chew. But What is that like? So come-husband. room that if you are you have to see your when you heard on the space for After a short while black you will turn personal tutor and news that it was snow- he ups the motion of his ocean and soon he white and vice-versa. Only a strong helping you are hanging out of your arse. Looking in ing in the West country you shot down there becomes just a blur. Then with an almighty of, “oh wait, I don’t care” and a trip to the pub your wallet you find a mint flavoured condom. quicker than a dog with a firework up its arse. additional cards boom he goes ultrasonic. You peer over your will help you. Watch out. I have warned you. Excellent. You whip it out of its packing and Once arrived you build a shelter, strip naked shoulder and tenderly ask “Sulright?”. No, his Ignore me at your peril. Before you know it chew it heartily. Nice. On the one hand you and go at it like two rabbits that are in love and penis is an exploded bleeding mess. you will be shagging little boys too. have fresh breath, but you just ate a condom. haven’t been together for a whole month. Pint? 40 felix Friday 13 February 2009 Friday 13 February 2009 felix 41 Fun & Games [email protected] photo by ian gillett

Slitherlink 1,424 This week’s texts: Oh noooo! I made a rather large pooer 3 1 2 of the Slitherlink last week. Why? Well it’s simple- because I am a L.A.D. and “Stefan how could you? I don’t lads make mistakes. However I do believe that u could put your willy 2 2 2 see it fit to apologise to you pleasant in a ucl ballet dancer.. its over.. u readers and to thank teams Shotgun will be without my mangina 4eve. and MÖchten sie mein Manschaft ed xx” 2 1 2 1 3 3 for still sending in fluffed answers. The Unfortunately they didn’t score. “Alex de fagel 2nd year physics. i 3 3 But don’t worry your little heads- am infact eatin somerfields basics Rival 1 3 this week we have a fixed one to pon- periperi chicken in your bed while der over whilst in your lectures. receiving disappointing head from 2 1 1 3 As always answers are to be sent to mariam” This year we are doing a glossy [email protected] where you contest and iPod nano. In case you “Dave and alex, stop pretending magazine that will cover Varsity. 2 2 2 3 2 1 3 didn’t know there will be team and indi- you are poon-chasing heroes- go vidual winners all getting prizes! That’s have sex with each other.” ‘The Rival’ will be coming out at is more megaz than a mega thing! 07726 799 424 2 3 2 “hey bitch kids, you’re a fucking the end of the term and we need How to play: cock-nob. McKEEEEEE” 3 1 writers to work for the magazine It’s quite simple, all numbers are in a TEXT US! OR “When do moobs become prison cell and must be surrounded with a bitch tits?” who will cover the event. corresponding number lines. Lines WE WON’T 2 1 3 2 2 cannot split and there can only be “Lets all wind the editor up be- one continuous line. Any cells with no FEED THE CAT! cause he loves Polish girl.” 3 3 2 2 2 3 numbers can have any number of lines. Look at the solution above for help. (It’s not there this week- I cocked it up). If you’re a medical or Imperial student and are interested in joining the team, or have any interesting ideas about what to do with the Wordoku 1,424 Going Underground magazine, send us an email: Scribble box Hokays. So we fucked up. The station Each letter in the alphabet is assigned a O P was EAST HAM which we calculated value, 1-26 (see table) and when added [email protected] to be 59. Wrong! It actually sums to be together for a specific word the sum P A O R 67. We are looking into why such an el- equals the total shown. All you have to ementary mistake could be made and do is scan and send the Underground U A D P will get back to you shortly. As for this station that is hidden each week to su- Shotgun were again last week’s week, it has been checked six times. [email protected] 1,423 Solution winners. Fan-fucking-tastic. The R N A P A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z K S N O F C Y U W variety here is amazing. For the 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Varsity is less than two weeks U Y C S N W O K F rest of you, ‘SNOWYFUCK’ was L R the obvious choice. As nobody O F W K U Y C N S came to collect their Bounty bars away. The 25th is approaching. N C K Y W O F S U B A N K A O D N the editor ate them. Yes, all 50! 2+1+14+11=28. Job done. Y O U F K S N W C 2 1 14 11 = 28 Are you ready? L D O U F W S U C N K O Y Wordoku is identical to Sudoku; C U Y N S K W F O we’ve just replaced numbers So which London tube station sums to 160? S N O W Y F U C K with letters. Complete the puzzle A O L R W K F C O U S Y N and then send the whole grid to [email protected]. T P You will not get credit for just the = 161 word alone. It’s not an anagram.

Mentalist Maze... RCC Nighthike Quizzy Wizzy This is a maze. Forget all the others, enlightenment to all. To release this Here we are again in the Coffee Break, have a real live prize for the first cor- being held? they are imposters. This is the future. power send answers to felix and in the midst of an exceedingly exciting rect entry from the lovely ArtsFest Follow us. We are the real people. receive a kiss from the Puzzles Guru, week, namely ArtsFest and RAG week. team. Hold on! Well, if you can’t get those I’m a The truth. The messiah. We bring Chaz Murdoch. FUCWIT eligible. But the fun doesn’t have to stop after monkey’s uncle, and don’t just not the likes of Wednesday’s RAG raid What music-y building can also be write in to validate that. Here’s the and Friday’s ArtsFest Grand Finale, found to the immediate North of answers from last week. Well done to because you’ve still got the Annual Beit and the Union? the winner Enoch. RCC Nighthike to look forward to: one crazy night of clue finding, adventur- What event is taking place at 5pm Aero Eng: Air Chief Marshall ous walking and hopefully a bit of map on Wednesday of ArtsFest week? reading- but don’t let that put you off, RSM: Beit and Wernher there’s not too much! What is the name of the cafe at the All this is happening on the night of Royal College of Music? Mech Eng: Rt Hon. Lord Penney 28th February, and it’s now possible to get more information or sign up your Where is the Blyth Gallery located EEE: 4th Floor team by logging to www.union.ic.ac. (building and floor)? uk/rcc/nighthike. Skempton (Civ Eng): HAZCHEM 2S To get you psyched in the mean time Where is the ArtsFest Grand Finale Cylinder we’ve got a tantalising taster for you here in the daylight safety of college- all you have to do is answer the clues, which are all located in places accessi- ble to everyone in the college vicinity, so no excuses. Last week, we brought you questions from various engineer- ing buildings but this week’s questions are brought to you on the ArtsFest theme which means that this week we 42 felix Friday 13 February 2009 Friday 13 February 2009 felix 43 Sport [email protected] [email protected] Sport

England train at Harlington Extra, Extra. Sports league Mustapher Botchway ous week. sive training session, possible gaining The Italian job England trained on the 3G (astro- a one-up over their more north-based Read all about it! Imperial Hockey men’s 4ths go to Pisa for a one off game Team P W D L F A Diff % FI Last Monday Sport Imperial and Har- turf) pitch, which is more commonly rivals. Jack Cornish & lington were host to the England Rugby used by Queens Park Rangers FC and After an unconvincing victory over Mustapher Botchway 1 Squash Men's 1st 11 11 0 0 49 6 43 100 5.00 6 Nations squad for a training session. the College football teams. Coinciden- Italy last Saturday England are looking Sports Editors league, big mistake by Santa’s Little On to Florence it was for the remain- 2 Tennis Men's 1st 9 9 0 0 78 12 66 100 5.00 Hockey They were preparing for Saturday’s tally, ICURFC also trained on the pitch to reverse last year’s 19-26 loss to Wales Helper, they sent out their youth team der of Saturday, with the accommoda- 3 Fencing Men's 1st 8 8 0 0 1069 624 445 100 5.00 match against 2008 winners, Wales. Monday evening. in the 2008 6 Nations Championship. and it turned out not to be the kind of tion ideally situated next to a nunnery. 4 Volleyball Women's 1st 8 8 0 0 17 1 16 100 5.00 Imperial Men’s 1st XI 1 Sport Imperial were able to accom- The indoor gym facilities of The The team have signed a rugby shirt game we had anticipated. We headed for central Florence for our 5 Lacrosse Women's 1st 9 8 0 1 139 31 108 89 4.00 modate the squad at short notice after Third Runway, the latest moniker for to be awarded to one lucky winner at fter almost two weeks Imperial teams are well represented in C.U.S. Pisa Youth XI 5 The pitch was your average away largest meal & fines circle of the sea- 6 Netball 2nd 9 8 0 1 329 157 172 89 4.00 The Stoop, their usual training ground Fortress Harlington were also used by Varsity on the 25th February which of hibernation for the the latter stages of both the BUCS and game pitch with mountain views and son with heavy fines for newly named 7 Fencing Women's 1st 9 8 0 1 1188 942 246 89 4.00 and other pitches in the area were the national team which pleased the will certainly piqueé the interest of all outdoor sports things ULU cups and we hope the silverware Elliott Dye grandstand and our only hope was that Freshly Squeezed and also for Easy Ac- 8 Hockey Men's 1st 8 7 0 1 45 11 34 88 3.88 flooded or waterlogged due to the ex- Head Coach Martin Johnson as his you paraphernalia fans out there. are gradually returning will be in abundance come the end of at 1-0 down they would revert to the cess due to his recent antics. 9 Badminton Men's 1st 10 7 2 1 52 28 24 70 3.50 treme weather conditions of the previ- charges were able to have an inten- to normal with only a term. It was a difficult task to follow up last Italian mentality of sitting back and de- The main problem anyone will find 10 ICSM Netball 3rd 8 6 0 2 253 171 82 75 2.75 third of Harlington being playable on Wednesday night’s ACC bar night year’s tour weekend to Amsterdam but fending. Error. when going out in Florence is the poor 11 Squash Men's 2nd 8 6 0 2 25 13 12 75 2.75 AWednesday! was as always, good fun, though I think with Santa’s Little Helper’s mafia con- However, the use of eight substitutes value of the pound with most drinks 12 ICSM Badminton Men's 1st 4 3 0 1 18 14 4 75 2.75 It seems that Varsity preparation postponing it for a week got a few peo- tacts in his homeland a trip to Pisa and helped in the first half with good per- around €5. Regardless, the city itself 13 Table Tennis Men's 1st 11 8 0 3 124 63 61 73 2.55 has severely curtailed the availability ple overexcited which ultimately led to Florence was no problem. formances from players who the DeIV- was stunning at night and in the day, 14 ICSM Hockey Women's 1st 10 6 1 2 45 23 22 60 2.40 of our captains. Surprisingly both the a false fire alarm. Keep your elbows to We rocked up in Pisa at midnight on iants had missed for much the season though the English rain on Sunday 15 Hockey Men's 2nd 9 6 0 3 35 24 11 67 2.00 Medical School and College football yourselves people and keep the inter- the Friday and it wasn’t long before an such as Alcaseltza and Karma Suture. didn’t help. We were more grateful 16 ICSM Netball 2nd 6 4 0 2 192 117 75 67 2.00 men’s 1st XI captains couldn’t partici- sport rivalry friendly! Irish pub was found and of lesser im- The half ended 1-1 with Mr Pacman of the rain on our return, with heavy 17 Hockey Women's 1st 10 6 1 3 37 22 15 60 2.00 pate in an interview. Expect a double Club dinner is the flagship event in portance, our accommodation for the cancelling out the Pisa goal. In the sec- snowfall greeting us as we arrived. 18 Hockey Men's 3rd 8 3 3 2 16 25 -9 38 1.63 whammy next week. the calendar for most of the clubs and night/early morning. ond half three quick goals and far too We will now have to be content with 19 Badminton Women's 1st 11 6 1 4 54 34 20 55 1.45 Continuing, we would like you turn I can do nothing but strongly recom- After informing the Pisa hockey much running took its toll and we were continuing winning ways in BUCS and 20 Tennis Men's 2nd 8 4 1 3 35 36 -1 50 1.25 back a page (obviously after reading mend it. These events normally attract club that we were in a national hockey not used to playing in the sun. ULU. 21 Squash Men's 3rd 7 4 0 3 14 9 5 57 1.14 this ‘informative’ column) to see a hint oldboys/girls so for all you freshers out 22 Basketball Women's 1st 7 4 0 3 326 309 17 57 1.14 of what the Varsity magazine is to look there you will get the chance to meet 23 Rugby Union Men's 3rd 9 5 0 4 185 174 11 56 1.00 like. Building on the success of last and socialise with former legends of 24 Badminton Men's 2nd 6 2 2 2 24 24 0 33 1.00 years pullout Jack, Jov and myself are your club. Start saving up! 25 Hockey Men's 4th 5 2 1 2 12 20 -8 40 0.80 creating a magazine, in a similar vain Along with the sabb elections later on 26 ICSM Football Men's 1st 8 4 0 4 12 17 -5 50 0.50 to Another Castle, i,science and Phoe- this term there will be elections for the 27 Basketball Men's 1st 6 3 0 3 432 412 20 50 0.50 nix the gaming, science and arts maga- committee for the various sports clubs 28 Fencing Men's 2nd 6 3 0 3 722 690 32 50 0.50 zines respectively. This will be Varsity at IC. If you are interested in having an 29 Squash Women's 1st 10 1 6 3 17 27 -10 10 0.50 centric with hopefully all of the par- impact on your club next year try and 30 Football Men's 1st 8 3 1 4 16 20 -4 38 0.13 ticipating sports having some column speak to the current committee to gain 31 ICSM Rugby Union Men's 2nd 9 4 0 5 123 143 -20 44 0.00 inches. If you would like to produce an insight on the running of your club. 32 Tennis Women's 1st 9 4 0 5 39 51 -12 44 0.00 something for the magazine, flick your I would like to congratulate the RSM 33 ICSM Hockey Women's 2nd 6 2 1 3 16 19 -3 33 0.00 contribution to sport.felix@imperial. men’s 1st XI team in their victory 34 Football Men's 2nd 7 3 0 4 18 26 -8 43 -0.14 ac.uk. against ICUAFC 7th XI. The score was 35 Rugby Union Men's 2nd 12 5 0 7 220 276 -56 42 -0.25 Staying on topic, we’re here to serve in fact 3-1 not 3-2 as reported in the 36 Volleyball Men's 1st 8 3 0 5 7 10 -3 38 -0.63 the student body so if you have any ide- last issue. Along with James Brown’s 37 ICSM Rugby Union Men's 3rd 8 3 0 5 98 179 -81 38 -0.63 as or suggestions please email us and comical explanation for his side’s loss, 38 Football Women's 1st 7 2 0 5 10 25 -15 29 -1.43 we’ll try our best to implement them if the hockey men’s 4th team seem to be 39 ICSM Netball 1st 10 2 1 7 254 362 -108 20 -1.60 they are viable. living the life, being able to travel to 40 ICSM Rugby Union Men's 1st 12 3 0 9 219 345 -126 25 -1.75 The second term normally means Pisa to play a youth team! Also con- 41 Hockey Women's 2nd 8 2 0 6 8 32 -24 25 -1.75 knockout competitions, ACC bar gratulations to the women’s futsal team 42 ICSM Hockey Men's 2nd 9 2 0 7 14 14 0 22 -2.00 England RFC in action at the superb facilities at Harlington, one of the few places immune to heavy snow. nights, club dinners, and elections. in reaching the BUCS championships! 43 ICSM Football Men's 2nd 5 1 0 4 7 16 -9 20 -2.20 44 Football Men's 3rd 6 1 0 5 11 25 -14 17 -2.50 45 Lacrosse Men's 1st 7 1 0 6 40 93 -53 14 -2.71 46 Netball 3rd 7 1 0 6 73 240 -167 14 -2.71 in association with Sports Partnership 47 ICSM Hockey Men's 1st 7 1 0 6 12 23 -11 14 -2.71 Fixtures & Results 48 Rugby Union Men's 4th 9 1 0 8 95 393 -298 11 -3.00 49 Rugby Union Men's 1st 12 1 0 11 120 416 -296 8 -3.25 Sunday 8th February Hockey Men’s 2nd 2 Men’s 1s vs UCL Men’s 1s Hockey 50 ICSM Badminton Women's 1st 10 0 1 9 11 70 -59 0 -3.40 Hockey Men’s 2nd 3 Royal Holloway 1st 3 Men’s 1st vs St Barts 1st 51 Rugby Union Women's 1st 1 0 0 1 0 80 -80 0 -4.00 Men’s 2s ULU 2 King’s Medicals 2nd 2 Lacrosse Men’s 2nd vs University of East London 1st 52 Table Tennis Women's 1st 4 0 0 4 3 12 -9 0 -4.00 King’s Medicals 2s ULU 1 Table Tennis ULU Cup Men’s 3rd vs Royal Veterinary College 1st 53 ICSM Hockey Women's 3rd 5 0 0 5 3 32 -29 0 -4.00 Women’s 2nd 2 BUCS Cup Mixed 1s vs Royal Holloway 2s Men’s 4th vs Brunel University 3rd 54 ICSM Hockey Men's 3rd 5 0 0 5 0 15 -15 0 -4.00 Monday 9th February RUMS 2nd 0 Men’s 1st 10 Women’s 1st vs University of Chichester 1st ICHC Men’s 4th XI posing in Pisa after some hockey. It’s alright for some! 55 Netball 1st 7 0 0 7 137 271 -134 0 -4.00 Netball BUCS Cup University of Plymouth 1st 7 Rugby Women’s 2nd vs Royal Holloway 2nd Women’s 1s ULU 16 Women’s 1st 9 Gutteridge (ULU) Cup Men’s 1s ULU vs St Barts 1s ULU St George’s 1s ULU 39 University of the Arts London 1st 0 Tennis Men’s 1s vs SOAS 1s ULU BUCS Cup ULU Cup Lacrosse Crossword No. 1,424 Answers to: [email protected] Squash Men’s 1s 9 Men’s 1st 10 Men’s 2s vs Goldsmiths 1s BUCS Cup Women’s 1s ULU 5 King’s College 1s 0 University of Kent 1st 0 Men’s 3s vs Royal Holloway 2s Men’s 1st vs University of Birmingham 1st 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 King’s College 1s ULU 0 Women’s 1s vs St George’s 1s Women’s 1st vs Swansea University 1st Across: Down: Yes everyone, Enoch is on a break in Men’s 4s 2 Men’s 2nd 7 9 order to give his mind a rest, but keep Wednesday 11th St Barts 2s 0 Kingston University 1st 3 Monday 16th February Netball 3. Flyer sounds drunk... and thin. 1. Diversion provided by fire door? a look out for the big one at the end of February Netball Women’s 1st vs RUMS 1st 10 (4-7) (11) the term where he might make a guest Badminton Netball Women’s 1st 7 Women’s 1s ULU vs St Barts 1s ULU Women’s 2nd vs Brunel University 5th 9. Aggressive sounding shops. (4) 2. Ma, in a particle, and I, get in a appearance. BUCS Cup Women’s 2nd 26 University of Brighton 1st 3 Women’s 3rd vs Roehampton University 2nd 11 10. Forty-nine classed having sexual vehicle we can’t help nicking stuff! Last week’s crossword was courtesy Women’s 1st 8 University of the Arts London 2nd 13 Squash attraction shown. (11) (11) of Wailer Ned, who was a crossword Oxford Brookes University 1st 0 Volleyball ULU Cup Rugby 12 13 14 15 16 17 11. Skeptics have it retained. (4) 4. Woody sounds like a partridge. (5) setter for felix back in 2001 (You’ve got Women’s 3rd 11 BUCS Cup Men’s 3s vs LSE 3s Men’s 1st vs Cardiff University 1st 12. Sounds like cattle following the 5. One side of a girl is frigid... (5) to love the new digital archive we’re Fencing University of Reading 4th 36 Women’s 1st 3 Men’s 2nd vs Royal Veterinary College 1st 18 14 19 UN, silently. (7) 6. ...the other side sounds holy. (5) setting up!!!). BUCS Cup University of Exeter 1st 0 Wednesday 18th February Men’s 3rd vs King’s College 2nd 18. Sanctify cereal for a rodent. (5) 7. Approval for Imperial, perhaps. (4) Anyway this week we have another Men’s 1st 135 Rugby Badminton Men’s 4th vs St George’s 2nd 20 15 19. Vegetable skin? (5) 8. Drug lair in the garden. (4) one from him. Enjoy! Aberystwyth University 1st 91 Men’s 1st 6 Women’s 2nd 10 Men’s 2nd vs Royal Holloway 1st 20. Viewpoint? Vegetable contains a 12. Sounds like you kill Ian Heavenly! Jov Swansea University 1st 36 Brunel University 1st 0 BUCS Cup Squash 21 22 number. (7) (7) Women’s 1st 131 Men’s 1st vs University of Hertfordshire 1st Men’s 2nd vs LSE 1st 21. Harvest quietly, ye who looks after 13. He fries chopped cows. (7) Solution to crossword 1423 University of Liverpool 1st 64 Men’s 3rd 22 Women’s 1st vs Bournemouth University 1st BUCS Cup freshers. (2-3) 14. Girl is a large problem. (7) Saturday 14th February 23 S Q U E A M I S H S P E E D Royal Holloway 2nd 10 Women’s 1st vs University of Exeter 1st Football 22. Egg white is out, for the record. (5) 15. Professor consumed penny, which C E R E B G A T O T R T Q E Football Men’s 1s ULU vs LSE 3s ULU Basketball 24 25 23. I, Egyptian God in marquee, will was given away! (7) A N A G R A M P N E A T E S T Men’s 1st 3 Men’s 4th 5 Men’s 2s ULU vs LSE 2s ULU Men’s 1st vs University of Kent 1st Table Tennis come again. (7) 16. Sounds like ability lies without R A N A A E B E A B O R I E Roehampton University 1st 2 University of Portsmouth 4th 69 Men’s 3s ULU vs King’s 3s ULU Women’s 1st vs University of Surrey 1st BUCS Cup 26 27 28 29 24. Doo’ a’ little enzyme test. (5) your drawbacks. (11) F L I M S Y P E Y E L I N E R BUCS Cup Men’s 4s ULU vs Royal Holloway 4s ULU Men’s 1st vs Bournemouth University 1st 25. Hellenist provides lesbian sitcom. 17. Refer back to blokes on chart that O B U E I C B A C E E O A E R Men’s 5s ULU vs Queen Mary 3s ULU M M M Men’s 2nd 4 Men’s 2nd 3 Football 25 32 (5) can make beer. (11) C O O N R O O E B L U E University of Hertfordshire 3rd 3 University of Chichester 1st 36 Men’s 6s ULU vs Royal Holloway 6s ULU Men’s 1st vs St Mary’s University College 3rd Tennis 26. Curled up in chocolate money. (7) 27. Chuck out past-lover (quietly) to O H E O N E O M O T A N N N Men’s 2nd vs UCL 2nd Men’s 2nd vs Brunel University 1st N E R D A L A M B H O T P O T 33 32. Neat eruptor. (4) the Spanish. (5) Men’s 6s ULU 1 Squash Sunday 15th February Men’s 3rd vs Canterbury Christ Church Uni 7th BUCS Cup 33. Like dead people? (11) 28. String is identical, perhaps to the C N A O U O D O E Y R S I I R Queen Mary 4s ULU 1(a.e.t) BUCS Cup Women’s 1st vs University of Reading 1st Women’s 1st vs University of Gloucestershire 1st L A M P P O S T M S T O R M S Hockey 34 34. Non-fiction in Madrid, perhaps. East. (5) (Queen Mary won 3-2 on penalties) Men’s 1st 5 Men’s 2s ULU vs Royal Veterinary College 1s Men’s 5s ULU vs LSE 4s ULU (4) 29. Diet drug, perhaps, is the best. (5) U N P H R N W A N I R A H L University of Liverpool 1st 0 ULU Men’s 6s ULU vs RUMS 4s ULU Volleyball 35. Bearded lion becomes covered in 30. Break feet at the carnival. (4) D I A B O L O T P O L E N T A 35 E V N K A R H E F L I H C T ULU Cup Men’s 7s ULU vs St Barts 4s ULU Women’s 2nd vs University of Essex 1st bullets. (11) 31. Speech sounds audible. (4) D E T E R D I S P A R A G E Send in your sport reports: [email protected] felix sport High resolution photos only Sheffield here we come!Imperial women’s futsal team beat stiff opposition to progress to March’s BUCS Championships 2009

Emily Potter the bottom corner to put IC ahead. As the second half wore on and After a less than ideal outcome in the Bournemouth became increasingly first round of the Women’s BUCS Fut- desperate for a goal, a brief lapse in sal qualifiers, it was with a mix of ap- defence saw a shot blocked on the line prehension and determination that the from 1m out as IC goalkeeper Emily IC Futsal team travelled to Brighton for Potter managed to react in time to their remaining group matches, know- push the ball away and keep IC ahead. ing that only victories would send them However, Bournemouth’s increas- to the BUCS Championships. ing offensive operations eventually left Bournemouth University were the them exposed at the back for IC to seal first opponents. In what was a match their victory, with Maria adding anoth- to decide the 3rd placed team in the er goal leaving next to no chance for a group, the victors would be rewarded comeback. True to form a 2-0 win was with a playoff against Buckinghamshire secured, and IC finished 3rd in Group New University, with the losers having A, avoiding Brunel. the less than appealing prospect of a Fresh from their first ever futsal win, playoff against Brunel. and confident of keeping another clean IC began well with some crisp pass- sheet, IC then took on Bucks New Uni. ing coupled with a disciplined defence, The Bucks team were a lot more physi- kept the ball out of the IC net. opening for Yoke to finish past the on- at the far post to emphatically seal the holding their 2-2 formation perfectly. cal than Bournemouth, but IC adapted A free kick was cynically gained by rushing keeper. win. Although Bournemouth started the their style and passed around the Bucks Bucks just outside the IC area, and Unsatisfied however, the best move Happy to sit back and defend for the day in the coveted 3rd place, they were players effectively, with another force- with Emily’s line of sight blocked by a of the day was to be reserved for the remaining time, Lily Low was brought no match for Yoke Thye and Maria En- ful drive by Maria securing a 1-0 lead rather large opposition forward, IC did icing on the Imperial cake. From the on to introduce some fresh legs and vall up front as the first goal arrived, going into the half-time break. well to clear the ball. With Gui calling deep left of defence, Laura took a pin- watertight defending, and together IC courtesy of well-executed kick-in set Bucks had seen many attacking po- timeouts for IC, a few key plays were point kick-in, high up field to Maria, kept a ferocious Bucks team at bay un- piece. sitions in the first half but had yet to worked on to find that elusive second who was in an advanced position on til the final whistle. With support from Dehydys Pimen- capitalise on them, and this inspired goal. With Dehydys running into space the right of the Bucks area. Imperial Women’s Futsal team can tel and Laura in defence, and the some- them to come out all guns blazing in on the right, long balls sliced through Another pin-point pass followed, as now look forward to the BUCS finals in what vociferous Gui Barbosa coaching the second half. Not to be deterred, a the Bucks formations, and eventu- Maria volleyed the ball in front of the March, where they’ll compete against from the sidelines, Maria finished a few saves from Emily and some great ally the second goal came, as IC kept Bucks keeper to Yoke, who added the 7 other teams for the title of BUCS Fut- lovely move with a powerful drive into 1v1 play from both Laura and Dehydys possession of the ball and worked an finishing touch with a side-foot volley sal Champions 2008/2009! An inconvenient truth The game was held at Fortress Har- looking boys were struggling to hold of the season from a thundering Asim RSM that won the game, not us that Football lington, where IC 7s were undefeated off the mighty RSM war-machine. In cross. At this stage I felt a surge of con- lost it (unless you look at the score- all season (and still are in home fix- open play they were dominating with fidence but try as we might, we were line). Mitun Patel, Xavier Scott and Imperial College Men’s 1st XI 1 tures) but as they were the only Imperi- only my electric pace and stunning unable to get our passing game going Anthony Petane were solid at the back Royal School of Mines 7th XI 3 al team playing there that day they had naturally ability holding back a tide of and RSM returned to dominance. Par- and Azat Tatygulov and Henry Bal- to take public transport rather than the RSM attacks. ticularly worrying was their number 8, ston were persistent up front despite customary coach. Sadly this proved too At this stage we changed to a 4-4-2 who was quite obviously a ringer from their lack of service. A special mention James Brown much for striker Ian Welch-Phillips. formation with the defence working a higher RSM team. Even I barely got should go to me for my consistent rais- After waking up late he managed to together well. Unfortunately the rest of away with a second nutmeg against ing of the bar in footballing quality and The 31st of January started out like any miss his stop and arrived ridiculously the team seemed rather lethargic and him and decided not to repeat the trick it seems only a matter of time before other day in the world of international late. By the time he was on the pitch unwilling to chase the ball down giving more than a few times more. Sir Alex sits up and takes notice. The football. But by 5pm GMT, barely- we were 2-nil down due to my rather RSM plenty of time on the ball. The no- In the last few minutes a rogue sand 7ths retired to our spiritual home (the credible reports were filtering in to uninspired choice of a 3-5-1 formation table exception to the rule was Wynne particle blew across the pitch into my union) and reflected on the game with UEFA, FIFA and James Skeen concern- and the absence of centre backs Greg Evans, who delivered a rip-roaring tour eye. In a temporary moment of hesita- quiet contemplation and a half-pint of ing the spectacular upset of an RSM Tainter and Chris Tennant who had de force performance in midfield and tion I was caught unawares and lobbed shandy or two. victory over the World famous Impe- made prior arrangements to attend a ran a total of 28.42 miles in the game as by their striker (who I’ve seen playing I would like to highlight my oppos- rial College 7th team, more commonly Cheeky Girls concert (the tickets ac- confirmed by post-game analysis. for Millwall before). He proceeded to ing view to Mr Botchway with regards known to the sporting world as “The quired no doubt with RSM money). Kiran Lal, our sixth team ringer also lob our keeper Ryan Apicella, who to RSM/Medic teams. As was made Untouchables”. Below is the captain’s Twenty minutes in, the game was (mwah hah ha) was finally coaxed out was faultless all game, apart from his abundantly clear on that Saturday account of the bizarre events that oc- shaping up to be an English Ther- of the centre circle just after half time. consistent major errors. they do indeed have important places curred on the day that shook the foot- mopylae: Our vastly outnumbered He immediately proceeded to head Despite the score-line I don’t think in University football; the ones a few ball establishment to the core… but far more skilled/disciplined/good- home one a strong contender for goal we played particularly badly and it was spots below us in the league… WEIII!!!