page 2 the paper december 6, 2017

GOP Tax plan, pg. 3 Seniors, pg. 9 Da Vinci sale, pg. 15 F & L, pg. 21-22 Earwax, pg. 23

the paper “Favorite Vines” c/o Office of Student Involvement Editors-in-Chief Fordham University John “Dad look, it’s the good kush” Looby Bronx, NY 10458 Luis “Me and my boys are going to see Uncle Kracker” Gómez [email protected] News Editors http://fupaper.blog/ Nick “What’s the number” Peters Declan “I can’t believe you’ve done this” Murphy the paper is Fordham’s journal of news, analysis, comment and review. Students from all Opinions Editors years and disciplines get together biweekly to produce a printed version of the paper using Colleen “Happy Crismns” Burns Adobe InDesign and publish an online version using Wordpress. Photos are “borrowed” from Rachel “Welcome to bible study, we’re all children of Jesus” Poe Internet sites and edited in Photoshop. Open meetings are held Tuesdays at 9:00 PM in McGin- ley 2nd. Articles can be submitted via e-mail to [email protected]. Submissions from Arts Editors students are always considered and usually published. Our staff is more than willing to help Matthew “Chris! Is that a weed?” Whitaker new writers develop their own unique voices and figure out how to most effectively convey their Michael “Two shots of vodka” Sheridan thoughts and ideas. We do not assign topics to our writers either. The process is as follows: Earwax Editor have an idea for an article, send us an e-mail or come to our meetings to pitch your idea, write Reyna “...yes” Wang the article, work on edits with us, and then get published! We are happy to work with anyone who is interested, so if you have any questions, comments or concerns please shoot us an e- Features and List Editors mail or come to our next meeting. Hillary “Watch your profanity” Bosch So, why come write for us? We are a constantly evolving publication, and have been since Meredith “Road work ahead? Yeah, I sure hope it does” Mclaughlin 1972. We provide an outlet of expression otherwise unavailable to Fordham students. Writers Copy Chief are free to say whatever they want, whenever they want. We are also pretty cool people, to be Anna “I didn’t get no sleep cause of y’all” Passero-Koennecke completely honest. So please come hang out with us. You’ll have a good time, we promise. Editor at Large our aim Claire “*throws umbrella* RUN *bass drop*” Nunez the paper is Fordham University’s fully student-run, free speech publication. Our aim is to Digital Editor challenge our writers and our readers: we want to make you think. We provide an outlet for all Michael Jack “I’m going to jail!” O’Brien students to express themselves, whatever their passion may be. Whether it’s commenting on a social issue, writing a factual news article, making people laugh with a humor piece, composing Copy Editor a personal narrative, giving advice or ranting about something that makes you feel a certain Scott “so you just gonna bring me a birthday gift on my birthday to my strong way -- we have a place for you. Because of our platform as a free speech newspaper, we birthday party on my birthday with a birthday gift” Saffran tend to push the boundaries of university journalism by talking about important social issues, Contributors expressing otherwise silenced voices and opinions, addressing Fordham policy and administra- Christian Decker, David Kennedy, Robin Happel, Marty Gatto, Auden Dykes, tion, and starting serious conversations about what is important to our student body. Here at Jan-Carl Resurrecion, Tommy Gerity, St. Vincent, Chance the Rapper, Vine, the paper, we encourage creativity and uniqueness, spark dialogue and discussion, and foster Estrellita Poblana III, finality, McGinley cats, editors ofThe Ram leaving a community where students are free to fully express themselves. their trash just everywhere, hot chocolate, Patrick Rothfuss, boundless wonder, minimalism, IKEA bookshelves, a dusty record player, and you. december 6, 2017 the paper page 3

Senate Republicans Vote on Major Tax Code Overhaul By Christian Decker Like reverse Robin Hoods, they steal from the poor to help the rich Staff Tax Collector middle class, but rather a plan for Con- than they did before the cuts. Accord- the bill will pass the Senate as well and Over the last month, the United gressional Republicans and the Presi- ing to Politifact the bill disproportion- quickly be signed in. States and the world have been rocked dent to enrich themselves and their ately benefits the rich way more so One advantage that the Republicans by various events and tragedies. From friends. The proposed cuts in taxes than middle to lower income families. have with this tax bill that they didn’t terrorist attacks, to sexual assault al- would cause families making $40,000 The top 1 percent would see 2.4 per- have on health care is the support of legations, insults to Native Americans, to $50,000 to pay $5.3 billion more cent increase in their income and the Senator John “I Can’t Decide Which and pedophiles being frontrunners in dollars combined by 2027, according upper class a 1.9 percent increase, ac- Side I’m On” McCain. Senator McCain Senate races, it’s kind of hard to keep cording to Politi- was one of the decisive votes that track of the shitstorm that flies at us. fact. ended the GOP’s attempt to repeal and However, one event has gone under the Politifact goes replace the Affordable Care Act. Now radar for many people: the upcoming on to say that McCain has changed his tune and has vote on the new Republican tax plan. these tax cuts thrown his hat with other Republicans President “I’m a dickhead even by my could make the on the tax bill. McCain is quoted by the own standards” Trump has called this Trump family Associated Press as saying, “It’s clear new tax plan “the largest tax cuts pro- millions of dol- this bill’s net effect on our economy posed in years, maybe ever”. lars. Although would be positive…This is not a per- The bill would introduce a whopping the President fect bill, but it is one that would deliver $1.5 trillion dollars in comprehensive has not re- much-needed reform to our tax code, tax cuts according to the New York leased his tax grow the economy, and help Ameri- Times. The Times reports that many returns, “an cans keep more of their hard-earned of these cuts are “straight out of a Re- independent money.” While admitting that the bill publican playbook”, with tax cuts for analysis… isn’t the best piece of legislation con- the wealthiest Americans in the hopes worked with jured up, he has agreed to support a that it will “trickle-down” to the poor- leaked tax re- long sought after Republican goal of est of Americans. This was of course turns from tax reform. With McCain on board, it’s popularized by President Ronald “Wall to the New York Times. In contrast, by 2005… suggest that President Donald possible that he could push other mod- Breaker” Reagan during the 1980s in 2027 people making over $1 million Trump stands to benefit in the short erate Republicans to vote for the bill the economic plan that has come to be will see a tax cut of over $5.8 million. term by somewhere in the low tens of and help bolster Republican support known as “Reaganomics.” Aside from According to a survey of thirty-eight thousands of dollars.” The New York despite obstruction from Senate and the typical tax cuts, there is a removal economists asked about the tax plan, Times estimates that the Trump fam- House Democrats. of a ban of church activism and a bill only one said that it would create sig- ily could gain up to $42 million in tax The bill is still far away from passing that introduces new rights for fetuses. nificant economic growth. All of the reductions, while NBC suggests that with the moderate Republicans still on With such a large plan that includes economists surveyed said that this $22.5 million is a more likely estimate. the fence. According to CNN, if Sena- so much tax revenue cut from the gov- new tax plan would add to the already If the estate tax is removed, as per the tor McConnell loses 3 votes, the bill ernment, it is concerning that programs terrifying above $20 trillion national House bill, the Trump family could see dies then and there. It is also possible will be beginning to get cut as a result of debt that is still ever increasing, $1.08 a net $1.1 billion gains in savings. that Republicans who fear an increase insufficient funding. Ironically, this will trillion according to Politifact. This week, Republicans have began in the national debt might switch on most likely not effect defense spend- One of the key components of the pushing the bill with fervor in order to the party as well. Whatever the case it ing, as the Republicans introduced a bill is the lowering of the income tax for offset their several defeats in trying looks as if only time will tell if this re- bill to create $700 billion dollars of mili- both middle class and the upper class. to repeal and replace Obamacare. On form goes through or not. tary spending. The corporate tax rate goes down from Wednesday, “the bill cleared a proce- The majority of economists have 35 percent to a whopping 20 percent dural hurdle on a 52-48 vote”, accord- agreed that the tax plan might just be income tax. The middle class get a ing to the Associated press. Senate a horrible idea. There is skepticism that tax break as well, but due to inflation, Majority Leader Mitch” The Ugly Turtle” this might not be a plan to benefit the they will eventually end up paying more McConnell is keen and optimistic that page 4 the paper december 6, 2017 The Free Internet Is Under Attack...Yet Again: Two Writers Respond by Meredith Mclaughlin & FCC Chairman Ajit Pai threatens net neutrality protections David Kennedy sured that each citizen is able to have af- expect them to do their job and fight he left to work for Verizon. He only stayed Staff Interwebz Experts fordable and fast connections with com- telecom companies from further ex- for two years, going back to the justice plete freedom to switch between plans. torting American citizens. 2017 may department in 2003. He was nominated Meredith: They tried to extend this coverage to other have been rough but we can’t let it There’s a reason why Comcast is con- to the FCC commission by Obama after areas, but Time Warner Cable, AT&T, and net neutrality end with it. getting the minority recommendation sidered one of the most hated company David: CenturyLink lobbied heavily to make it il- from Republican senator, Mitch McCon- in America. No one likes these extra legal for any other town or city to receive A lot of people are up in arms over fees that telecom companies forces nell. Trump designated him as FCC chair- it. It makes sense that these companies the FCC’s move to repeal net neutral- man at the beginning of 2017. on us when paying for cable. Recently, want to squash any competition that of- ity. Specifically, a lot of people are out however, these same companies are So he’s highly educated, and tradition- fers consumer friendly services consider- for, FCC Chairman, Ajit Pai’s blood. ally conservative. Pai’s voting preference turning their ugly heads to look at the ing their abysmal track record with cus- Over 100,000 people have already internet as the newest frontier to cut up tends to skew towards a freer, less regu- tomer support and extortionary pricing. signed an online petition calling for lated market, which in this case means and force us to pay more for. The pub- The narrative of excessive government his resignation, and the number’s lic’s major concern is that consumers letting Comcast and Verizon do more will have to pay extra for “fast lanes” of whatever they want. Ajit Pai either and website bundles, which gives way to trusts internet providers not to take fears of a class-based internet that only advantage of their customers, or he the wealthy can afford. With FCC lead- thinks the antitrust division in the ers ignoring public outcry in favor for the Justice Department will be enough “free market” interests of the telecom to keep them in check without net companies, many people are concerned neutrality. Let’s remember now that that after December 14, their ability to he’s worked for both the depart- access the internet will be permanently ment of justice and Verizon. ruined. So, given where his sympathies One of the biggest threats to Net are its no shock that he’s doing Neutrality is FCC chairman Ajit Pai. Pai very little to reassure the American used to be a Verizon lawyer, which is consumer. Ajit Pai doesn’t speak a glaring conflict of interest that Presi- in terms of repealing net neutral- dent Obama apparently ignored when ity. He talks about abolishing title appointing him to the commission (the II, which was put into law as part of Trump administration later promoted the telecommunications act in 1934 him to chairman). He keeps trying to in order to regulate early telephone convince the public that getting rid of companies. So Pai sees himself as Obama-era Net Neutrality laws will “re- someone who is trying to repeal store” internet freedom, saying that an outdated law which is prevent- “Government control is the defining ing economic growth. One of his central interference in a free market doesn’t ap- still rising. People really hate this guy, claims is that repealing these Title II reg- feature of authoritarians, including the ply to mega corporations who run no risk and I didn’t know he existed until a one in North Korea.” This is incredible ulations will allow broadband internet providing subpar service to their custom- month ago. I thought some back- to spread to more rural states where it because telecom companies exercise ers. Frankly, the regulation provided by ground information on our new FCC a ton of force over any form of govern- isn’t currently accessible like Alaska and Title II protection of net neutrality is a chair might be useful so here are the West Virginia. Fundamentally, our cur- ment trying to take internet service pro- welcome change in an industry that has highlights. viding into their own hands. rent FCC chair is laboring under the idea the power to abuse customers and bribe The son of Indian immigrants, Ajit that whatever is good for the market is, Wilson, North Carolina is one of the or bully governments to cater to their in- Pai has a BA from Harvard and a JD few towns in which the local govern- by extension, good for the consumer. come. That’s why it’s so important that law degree from the University of Chi- The consumers don’t seem to agree. ment provides internet access for their we continue to fight for net neutrality. cago. He worked in the department citizens, and they have consistently en- Let your representatives know that you of Justice from 1998 to 2001 when december 6, 2017 the paper page 5 Department of Investigation Finds NYCHA Negligent on Lead Paint by Nick Peters Roughly 55,000 apartments face possible toxic contamination News Co-Editor -about 55,000 apartments total. Chil- in an official statement that they will be to enter into the residents apartments In the past few weeks news has dren, who are the most vulnerable to keeping Ms. Olatoye, announcing that if they were not present at the time. If broken that reveals the New York City toxic lead levels, live in around 4,000 they “do not believe there is any evi- the workers could not get into apart- Housing Authority (NYCHA) has been of these NYCHA apartments. Not only dence that anyone intentionally made ments, they were allowed to break and embroiled in controversy as reports re- did NYCHA not actually carry out in- any misstatements to HUD”. The may- replace the locks for each room, and vealed that the organization has been spections and repairs -- which they re- or is standing by Ms. Olatoye, who he residents would have to pick up new falsely reporting lead levels. vealed they do not have the capacity appointed to head up NYCHA back in keys for the replacements. This adds NYCHA is a government organization to actually do--they 2014. another layer of controversy to an al- that offers cheap and affordable apart- lied to the federal It is unknown if Ms. Olatoye ready disheartening and murky situa- ments for low income New Yorkers. government about will face criminal charges. An tion. NYCHA has a total of around 300 build- doing it. The DOI’s individual can be charged NYCHA is an organization that is ings dedicated to housing across all five report is biting to- with up to five years for pro- meant to do good for people who are boroughs. Around 400,000 people live ward the Housing viding a false statement for very much at need in the city of New in these NYCHA buildings. Authority, accusing the government, when one is York. This massive oversight hurts Around the middle of November, the the organization of fully cognizant that it is false. NYCHA’s credibility and hurts its resi- Department of Investigation revealed “systemic misman- So far no criminal charges dents. Up to and possibly over 4,000 the results of a probe they conducted agement.” This is- have been filed, and legal children were and are at risk of toxic into NYCHA. In their report, they found sue has been going on for years. analysts are split on whether anything lead levels. This is 2017, not the that Shola Olatoye, the head of NYCHA, As this story broke, more information will arise out of this. 1940’s. This is completely unaccept- had lied to Department of Housing and began to be revealed to the public in After this news broke, NYCHA began able for a government organization Urban Development about lead paint in- the backlash surrounding it. The Dai- to frantically go apartment to apart- tasked with such an important task. spections. These inspections pertained ly News broke that the Mayor of New ment to make emergency visits and re- to an astronomically high amount of York, Bill de Blasio, was aware of this pairs. However, things get more contro- potentially hazardous apartments- issue since last year. The mayor said versial as NYCHA workers had the right Fordham Community Comes Together for ThanksGiveAway by Rachel Poe and Declan Commuter Students Association Holds Dinner Event for Charity Murphy Opinions Co-Editor and Dinner was served consisting of gratitude for the opportunity to par- and a raffle. The raffle, sponsored by News Co-Editor Thanksgiving favorites: turkey, mashed ticipate. “Thanks-Give-Away is such an Fordham alumni groups as well as potatoes, mac and cheese, and, of amazing performance opportunity for Fordham administration, included course, some delicious caf cookies. the Hot Notes. We were incredibly ex- guided tours, dinner with VP Gray, Ford- Fordham Commuting Students Asso- The night began with an invitation cited to receive the invitation to sing in ham memorabilia, gift cards, and tech ciation (CSA) held their annual Thanks- and prayer from Fordham’s own Father such a supportive environment with all accessories. Give-Away in late November, an event Lito to kick things off. The event was the amazing talent Fordham a cappella The event is also open to Fordham that combines food, entertainment, then filled has to alumni, and also includes a raffle spe- raffles, and charity. with per- offer.” cifically for Fordham alums. One alum CSA puts on this event every year formanc- Pad- in particular was proud to participate: as a way to raise money for the Bronx es from den Siobhan Donahue, FCRH ‘17, former community. At the door, CSA asked student further Co-Editor in Chief at the paper and Ex- for either a $5 donation or 5 canned groups. stressed ecutive President of CSA was excited goods for five raffle tickets and a $1 This in- the im- to come back, saying “I enjoyed seeing for each additional ticket. Typically, cluded por- CSA do such a great job on an event CSA donates all the funds to Part of Rose tance that means so much to me.” the Solution (POTS), a food pantry in Hill’s four of com- For two hours, students were able the Bronx. But this year, CSA decided a capella munity. to de-stress and forget about the piles to expand their reach. This year’s do- groups--- “It was of work waiting for them back in their nations were made to Part of the Solu- the B- great to rooms. Thanks-Give-Away was a fun tion’s food pantry in the Bronx and hur- sides, see so night dedicated to a good cause. It was ricane relief efforts in Puerto Rico. In Ram- many great to see commuters and residents total, CSA raised $1300, and collected blers, Hot people coming together for good food and the 4 crates of canned goods to donate Notes, turn up, slim chance of winning one of CSA’s to POTS. A spokesperson for CSA said and Satin Dolls -- as well as dance and for such a worthy cause!” awesome raffle prizes. that they were inspired by Fordham’s team Candela Latina. Other attractions included a photo “Ignatian tradition” to broaden the Rita Padden, FCRH ‘18, from the backdrop styled to look like the Old scope of their service. Fordham Hot Notes expressed her West, a functioning mechanical bull, page 6 the paper december 6, 2017 Faker than In Alabama, Voters Pit Conscience Against Party by Michael Jack O’Brien Alleged Pedophile Roy Moore vs. Doug Jones Truth Digital Editor denied the allegations made against even party leaders themselves know the extent of how widespread this issue is. By Nick Peters Roy Moore is an alleged pedophile him. He deserves to be presumed innocent of the accusations unless In any case, alongside the high-profile EVERYTHING IS FINE! and a sex offender. The Alabama sena- torial race is currently neck and neck proven otherwise. He will continue to accusations of Harvey Weinstein, Kevin As with every other week since as the state struggles with the implica- take his case straight to the people Spacey, Charlie Rose, and, most recently, the election, everything has been tions of Roy Moore’s sexual miscon- of Alabama.” One can only wonder if Matt Lauer; the option of staying silent perfectly normally and nothing has duct accusations. Five women have standing by an alleged sex offender about sexual misconduct is becoming in- happened. already accused Moore of either sexual is a healthy strategy for the Alabama creasingly more perilous. Does this mean Our current presidential admin- harassment or rape when they were GOP (Roy Moore is an alleged pedo- that there will be concrete consequences istration is the most controversy minors, but despite these accusations phile and sex offender). Innocent for this type of behavior in future? That is free any presidential administra- the Alabama voting body appears to be until proven guilty is all well and fine, yet to be seen; Moore is still in the race, tion has been in the history of this relatively split on whether or not this however considering the extenuating not to mention the fact that he has the country. There have been less con- disqualifies Moore from serving in the circumstances this doesn’t mean that full support of our president (Oh yeah I troversies than President Obama’s senate (just a reminder, Roy Moore is the party must believe that you’re in- almost forgot, Donald Trump and Roy administration, and that was pretty an alleged pedophile and sex offender). nocent. Moore are alleged sex offenders). controversy free. Currently, Moore’s Most likely, Our government has never opponent polls at Moore and the been more effective and biparti- around 50 percent Alabama GOP are san than now. Congressman meet of the Alabama vote, hedging their bets and in open debate mutually agree with Moore polling at on the candidacy, on compromises for the benefit of around 47 percent assuming that, the country. The recent congres- of the vote. What despite the allega- sional tax plan has been estimated could have caused tions, Doug Jones to benefit not just one sector of the this massive polar- will remain an unfa- nation, but every American from ization? Historically vorable candidate. poor to rich. In addition, they have speaking, it makes For example, Jones a comprehensive global warming sense that a Repub- is pro-choice, a plan, which should help save our lican candidate will hot button topic dwindling planet, as both sides of always poll strongly for much of the the aisle agree that this crisis is an compared to their Alabama voting extremely serious issue and would Democratic counter- body. Mix this with be asinine to turn it into a political parts in Alabama. a general distrust issue. However, this does of Democrats, and In international news, noth- not explain how al- Moore remains a ing of note happened. Like literally most half of the competitive can- didate in the race. nothing. Countries trade with each Alabama population The embodiment of all evil other. Any disputes that arise are can willingly stand All in all, the Roy quickly squashed by the United Na- behind an alleged Moore story is just tions just having the countries talk pedophile and sex offender (Roy Moore Nevertheless, it seems that they another symptom of a wider epidemic with each other to work out their is an alleged pedophile and sex offend- will toe the party line on this situation, of sexual assault in America, and even if disputes. er). most likely out of fear that a Demo- Moore loses the race, it won’t be long be- Americans can firmly wake up One important explanation for crat could win a senatorial seat in a fore the next Roy Moore is revealed to the in 2017 knowing that the country Moore’s continuing support might be deeply red state. However, the accu- public. It’s almost as if this problem is en- is safe and quiet, both domesti- that even though Moore has lost the sations against Moore reflect more demic of a larger problem of systematic cally and internationally. No one is support of the GOP nationally, with than the actions of one man and is oppression and rape culture; who would threatening nuclear war. Our White party leaders such as Mitch McCon- symptomatic of a wider problem of have thought? Regardless, the race is House and government is contro- nell imploring Moore to drop out of the sexual misconduct on the state and still neck and neck. In fact, just as this versy free. People love each other race and telling media that they will not federal level. Most recently it has article is being written, reports are com- and peaceful marches of love and support his seat in Congress, Moore come to light that several members of ing in that appear to indicate Moore has humanity happen weekly in the still enjoys support by the Alabama congress, including Senator Al-Frank- inched ahead of Jones in the polls. One streets. Everything is fine and dan- branch of the GOP. Despite the accusa- en and Congressman John Conyers, would think that being an alleged pedo- dy. The news may be extremely bor- tions against him (Roy Moore is an al- have been accused of sexual harass- phile and sex offender in the highly reli- ing, but hey, America and the world leged pedophile and sex offender), the ment and inappropriate touching in gious and family value oriented state of are peaceful and not in a constant chairwoman of the Alabama GOP, Terry the workplace. These accusations Alabama would be major disadvantage; it state of anxiety, because that would Lathan, has decided to stand by Roy have, until recently, been kept quiet appears that is not the case. The race is suck. Moore, stating that there are no plans by Congress, with the exact number still a tossup, and it is up to the Alabama to remove or replace Moore from the of allegations remaining out of the voting body to decide where they stand. ballot. “Judge Moore has vehemently public eye. According to reports, not december 6, 2017 the paper page 7 UN Event Aims to Make Fashion More Sustainable By Robin Happel Realer Staff SAVIOR NGOs and Designers Aim to Reduce Waste larly stresses the importance of fair advocacy work stretches from the Great While many of us think of the fash- trade fashion for women especially. Bear Rainforest in Canada to palm oil Than Fact ion industry much as Andy does at the She notes that homework and craft plantations in Indonesia. Canopy claims By Declan Murphy beginning of The Devil Wears Prada, is the second largest employer of credit for alerting major brands to envi- what we wear is far from just frivo- women in the developing world after ronmental violations in the Amazon and The Legal System Has a New lous frippery. The fashion industry, in agriculture. Slow fashion, as a foil to elsewhere that would otherwise be ig- (Unlikely) Champion for Justice: the words of Eileen Fisher, is one of fast fashion, puts more power in the nored. Kim Kardashian the world’s most polluting industries, hands of local artisans and empow- The panel discussion is followed by second only to oil. Worldwide, one in ers women economically, as well as a fashion showcase from five fair trade Kim Kardashian is known for six people work in fashion, over half of ensuring better working conditions, brands. Designers span the globe, from many things: her reality show, mar- whom are paid under Callina Style, which part- raige to Kanye West, controversial minimum wage and of- ners with Peruvian artisans magazine covers...But now she can ten toil in sweatshops and uses only ethically- add “champion of righteousness” with little safety regu- sourced alpaca wool, to In- to her resume. lation or oversight. dian couture brand Chirag Kardashian has offered legal The recent U.N. Nainani. Artist Mariama Ca- support and resources to two wom- panel and designer mara is based in New York en who are facing disproportionate showcase “Fashion City, but many of her hand- retribution from the legal system. and Sustainability: crafted designs reflect her The first is Cyntoia Brown, Look Good, Feel Good, West African heritage, and facing a life sentence. Brown was Do Good” aims to di- her cross-continent inspira- sex trafficked as a young girl. At rectly address these tions reflect her own globe- 12 years old, she shot and killed issues, as well as pro- trotting life. As co-founder of a child predator who was assault- mote fair trade fash- the There Is No Limit Foun- ing her. However, for her bravery ion. The panel, moder- dation, she is also deeply she was tried as an adult and ated by Patrick Duffy, committed to child welfare sentenced to life in prison. As the the founder of Global and gender equality in her details of the case have gained Fashion Exchange, home country of Guinea, as media attention, celebrities are began with a short well as elsewhere around spreading the word to get Brown speech by U.N. Chairman of Publica- and education for children who might the globe. Noorism, another New York freed. But only Kim K has pledged tions Maher Nasser, followed by a otherwise be shunted into sweat- brand, upcycles denim and donates a legal support. discussion of the social and ecologi- shops. percentage of its proceeds to clean water The other case is Alice John- cal costs of so-called ‘fast fashion,’ Panelist Shivam Punjya, founder of charities. Previously featured on Project son, a 62-year-old woman who the culture of consumption that drives clothing brand behno, was similarly Runway, designer Nathalia JMag is simi- has been serving 21 years of a life Americans to throw away over ten mil- inspired to tackle unsafe working larly committed to social equality, donat- sentence for a nonviolent drug pos- lion tons of textiles annually. Panelist conditions by the infamous Rana Pla- ing a portion of her recent profits to hur- session charge, her first offence. Andrea Reyes, Chair of the NYC Fair za factory collapse, a tragedy some ricane relief. Say what you will about Kim K- Trade Coalition, emphasized the mor- have compared to the Triangle Shirt- As models float between the narrow -she doesn’t just talk the talk. Her al responsibility of customers to wear waist Fire as a watershed moment for rows of the the NGO briefing room, the pledge to offer legal support will sustainably sourced clothes, which worker’s rights. Punjya emphasizes mood is effervescent, echoing the opti- hopefully expedite the restoration her organization aims to make more the importance of trust building with mism of many of the panelists. The pulse of justice for these two women. accessible to low-income families local supply chains, arguing poignant- of dance music muffles the murmuring of with flea markets and clothing swaps ly that transparency is only possible the crowd, and many seem to see such throughout the city. Like many of the once suppliers see an alternative to collections as an advent of what is to panelists, Reyes sees the fundamen- past exploitive practices. His brand come, an end to a culture of casual con- tal problem as psychological, a dis- name ‘behno’ means ‘sisters’ in Hin- sumption, and a return to truly valuing connect between consumers and the di, and it is this ethos of equality that what we wear. Someday, perhaps, fast real cost of the clothes we wear. In her dominates business practices, from fashion retailers will give way to those work as an adjunct professor and as behno’s pledge to pay workers fairly who value elegance over ephemerality, founder of A. Bernadette, a brand that to their efforts at reducing ecological and place people over profit. Until then, it works directly with artists in Uganda, footprint. will be up to us to more carefully consider Reyes hopes to connect the often in- Amanda Carr, founder of consulting our choice of clothing, and count the true sular world of Madison Avenue with firm Canopy, is especially concerned cost of what we wear. the men and women who toil in work- by fashion’s environmental impact. shops worldwide, supporting the over By her estimates, over 70 million two trillion dollar industry. trees per year are cut down to make Ashia Dearwester, an executive at viscose, rayon, and other fabrics com- nonprofit artisan network Nest, simi- monly thought to be synthetic. Their page 8 the paper december 6, 2017 Fordham Brings Honesty and Storytelling to Emotional Event By Anna Passero-Koen- New club, Our Story, gives students a space to speak openly necke der to support a fellow Fordham stu- and needed to reach out to someone. and the event lasted about an hour and a Copy Chief dent who was participating, and told These resources included the health half all together. The stories were accom- us how she was so moved by the event center and campus ministry. They also panied by slide shows containing impor- Our Story started their first ever pro- that she knew she had to bring it to requested that students not talk about tant pictures and quotes that the students gram with a full house. They had to Fordham. Like “The idea is to have and spread the felt would help enhance their storytelling, pull out more chairs so many people Charlotte, Aman- stories outside making the event a much more visually arrived. They provided cookies and hot da had also been members of a commu- of the event, involved experience than I first expected. chocolate for the milling crowd before- feeling isolated as all were very Overall it felt somewhat like a mixture of a hand, which overall had a very positive and alone at col- nity come together and personal and for TED Talk and a slam poetry event, yet more vibe. The event opened with Charlotte lege, and thought several students personal than either. Some of the storytell- Vitak, the founder of My Story at the this would be tell their stories of a this was the first ers used poetic motifs to pull the story to- University of San Diego, telling her a great way to deeply moving or diffi- time they were gether, such as a phrase repeated through- story and what inspired her to start bring people to- telling anyone out their story, but none of them felt as the program. She went from a small gether. When she cult time in their life”. of their story. stylized as poetic readings often do. Some all girls high school where she felt safe told Julia about It was made of the stories were told in a very straight- and seen as a person, to a large col- her idea, Aman- clear that this forward fashion. The variety of ways the lege where she felt invisible for most of stories were told made it very clear that her freshman year. In her sophomore we were hearing each tellers individual year she started going to more clubs voice. The audience was very respectful and realized many other people felt throughout. At the end Charlotte came like she did. Charlotte wanted to find back to the front to close out the tellings. a way to bring people closer together, Afterward the storytelling was over, we and thus idea for My Story was formed. as an audience were encouraged to medi- The idea is to have members of a tate on our feeling and then to turn to our community come together and tell neighbor, who in my case was someone I their stories of a deeply moving or dif- had never met before, and share how we ficult time in their life when they had to felt. We then each wrote down a word on a face adversity and were changed by it. sticky note summing up the main emotion It could be a one-time event or an on- from what our partner told us and to put going struggle. For this flagship event it on the wall in the back. Our words were at Fordham only students spoke, but “Embrace” and “Empathy.” Attendees at the University of San Diego they were told they could take any word they felt now have, in addition to the students, they needed off the wall. There were also faculty, staff, and even people who live empty book for each of the storytellers that near the college speak as well, bringing the audience could write notes to them in. all facets of the community together Overall Fordham’s first Our Story was for great understanding and empathy. da learned that Julia too had suf- a huge success, and they hope to do one Next came Amanda Vopat and Ju- fered from feeling isolated, and the event was to bring students together every year, possibly every semester. From lia Gagliardi up to speak and tell why resolve to bring My Story, now Our and foster greater empathy in the what I observed the event was success- they brought the concept of My Story, Story, to Fordham was strengthened. community, and it was under no con- ful in their goal of fostering empathy and redubbed Our Story for Fordham. Vo- Before the storytellers for the night ditions to be reduced to gossip. In closeness in all that attended. As it contin- pat told of how she first heard of My came out the audience was told about addition to this, they very important ues and grows, I predict Our Story will make Story when she was attending an Asho- mental health and emotional sup- point was made by Charlotte that “No the Fordham community a better place. kaU conference for Fordham’s Social port resources available to them in one can tell a story like the owner.” Innovation Collaboratory. She went to case anyone felt emotionally triggered There were five students from differ- a My Story event hosted by Vitak in or- by any of the stories told that night ent campuses telling us their stories, december 6, 2017 the paper page 9

I Swear I Will Have Fun Senior Year or I Will Die in the Attempt By John Looby Editor-in-Chief Hey, at least one of us is enjoying ourselves Senior Year of college, what a time to As an underclassmen I constantly to being in a relationship. Moving on. almost to the point where I’m stressed be alive and by alive I mean bouncing thought to myself I don’t have time Going to school in New York City is by all the fun I need to have. between the pure stress of entering to go into the city or I don’t have the one of the greatest opportunities for Of course with all this fun there are adulthood and the joy of entering into a money. I was to say the very least experiences that any of us will have some low points. The biggest of course new phase of my life. I’m quickly being superbly naive. I deprived myself of so in our life times and it’s a shame that being the fact that my time here at made to come to terms with the fact many great experiences just because we squander so much of it just going the paper is coming to an end. Being that I am either (A) “sooo fucked man going to the subway seemed like too to the same three bars every weekend trapped as an editor down here in the how do I even do all this and be happy?” much of a hassle compared to just until you can recognize where your basement of McGinley has been an or (B) “on the way to a successful and friends are based honor and a privilege. Having a place fulfilling adulthood.” In my mind there on the lighting of for hours long rants about niche pop is absolutely no in between and yet their snapchat culture has been a much appreciated honestly I’m having the most fun I’ve stories. College refuge. I’ll save the true outpouring of had throughout my entire time here for all the stress emotions about the paper for another at college. Something about being so that we place time though. I think the only other close to graduation feels like I can give on ourselves is really key low point is knowing that I’ll myself permission to do all the fun a relatively low be saying goodbye to an environment things I once considered myself too risk environment that allows me to do nothing besides busy to put the effort into when I was compared to the dedicate years of my life to studying an underclassmen. At this point I will doom and gloom literature. The hours I spent in the confess that I already do have a job lined of the adult life classroom with professors I admired up after graduation so that of course that us seniors aren’t something I’m quite ready to does have a huge impact in reducing are approaching give up. all that stress some of my other jobless at an alarming Even with all that I’m giving up here, peers may be experiencing, but even rate. I won’t All I can say is that senior year here at with that in mind I think senior year is be able to just Fordham so far has been a gift. I’ve a great time to finally let yourself cut abscond from been having a blast and I can’t wait to loose. responsibilities see what next semester has to offer Actual photo from the future and spend my me. Without the paper or really many day at the MoMA classes at all I think I’ll finally get to I’m burning through and movies on a finish all that I need to do in the city staying on this to be honest stunningly whim when I’m at Fort Leonard Wood before the I let the army ship me off and my bucket list as beautiful campus. Once I had a pretty for five months. send me onto my next big adventure. fast as possible. I’m great reason to go into the city (dates) I would recommend to everyone I realized I could do so much more with that you grab up every last glimmer of almost to the point my college experience. Since then I’ve fun before the fun police come,rain on been a fucking roll of adventure folks. your parade and make you understand where I’m stressed by I’ve seen more concerts in this single taxes and disposable income. For me past semester than I had in all previous this year is all about doing those things all the fun I need to years combined. I’ve seen bands I’ve that senior in high school John said he have. dreamed of seeing for years and I’ve was going to when he got accepted to had great company at all of them. Yes, schools in the city. I’m burning through that is indeed my sly way of admitting my bucket list as fast as possible. I’m page 10 the paper december 6, 2017 Fordham’s Unknown History: Russian Marxists and Extinct Birds By Anonymous Anonymous contributor tells all, including the bit with Gorbachev Staff Indiana Jones past glory. In fact, the only reason the midst of the devastating 1968 Trotsky was hidden in the basement As its students know, Fordham’s that I knew about these sites and cocaine storms. It was weak and of the Fordham Clandestine Rose Hill campus boasts a multitude was able to write this piece was malnourished, apparently due to Operations Base, which also of landmarks and significant that I had access to those records. a lack of water and an excess of served as the “pleasure quarters” locations. From the courtyard next to For reasons beyond my knowledge, cocaine. Sadly, despite all attempts of Kim Jong-Un’s great great great Queen’s Court where Lana Del Ray Fordham, in recent years, has taken to nurse this Dodo back to health, it grandfather. Because of his proximity was said to have composed some of extreme action to destroy these passed away on January 16th, 1969. to the luxurious lifestyle of Un’s her most famous songs to the tunnels records and cover up the fact that Because of its debilitated state, it was ancestor, Trotsky was able to enjoy beneath Eddie’s Parade, there is a certain historical landmarks on this never able to tell any of the medical the full amenities of a proletarian great deal of history to be found on campus ever existed. This is why I staff its name; according to Chief establishment: mattresses made out our 85-acre share of the Bronx. will remain anonymous; Fordham’s Surgeon Dr. Zong, the Dodo managed of cotton from 100% collectivized Unfortunately, many of these current political regime does not take to muster a noise that “...was similar farms, soap that smelled like class historical sites have gone unnoticed. kindly to leakers. in frequency to a brain-melting struggle, and, most importantly, Because of a lack of funding All fears of assassination aside, I gamma laser” and “forced [Dr. Zong] bathtubs that filled with the blood sometime in the 80s, Fordham am here to inform my readers about to come to terms with the fact that of the bourgeoisie. Trotsky seemed was forced to de-fund its historical the forgotten history of Fordham’s he didn’t love his wife anymore.” to favor one bathtub in particular; preservation efforts. Years of Rose Hill campus. I do this with the When Fordham’s administration he wrote in a letter to his comrades subsequent neglect have led the hope that my readers will become announced the plans to raze the back in Russia that he “had a great sites to ruin; some were bulldozed to more aware of their surroundings tomb and build a library on that affection for this one bathtub… and make room for new buildings, while and the history that surrounds space, the feeble and wheelchair- [he] couldn’t explain why.” When the others simply withered away. them. Let this be a re-birth, a Ram- bound Father O’Hoolihan protested. pleasure quarters were discovered in The loss of these sites is tragic. aissance, of the knowledge of our However, after leading a hunger strike 1954, Fordham destroyed everything Dozens of marvelous statues, collective history and the important to show resistance to the demolition except that bathtub, because a landmarks, and historical places that traditions that make us whole. We, of the tomb, the already weakened mysterious public safety officer known gave the students a fascination and the students, must be united in heart O’Hoolihan passed away, thus ending as M.G. successfully petitioned for respect for the history of Fordham and mind in learning about our past his resistance and allowing Fordham its preservation. M.G. enshrined this have been swept away, lost to the and deciding what to do with our to continue with the construction. The bathtub on top of the Public Safety inevitability of progress. It is highly present. I now humbly present to entrance to the tomb was sealed off, office, where it stood until 2006, disappointing to see students you the first installation in a series of and the remains of the Dodo were when the Fordham Administration walk right past places where great articles about Fordham’s unknown taken to an undisclosed location. realized that the officer known as monuments once stood, unaware of historical landmarks. 2) Trotsky’s Bathtub M.G. was actually Mikhail Gorbachev their existence. 1) The Tomb of the Unknown Dodo It’s a little known fact that Russian with a really good disguise (Jesuits Thankfully, Fordham kept detailed This grand memorial to a member Revolutionary Leon Trotsky, upon were much easier to fool back then). records on the construction and of one of the most famous extinct leaving Norway in 1937, stopped by Even though the bathtub is gone deconstruction of each of these sites. species was located in the basement New York City for a quick sightseeing and all legal documentation of the During my time as an intern at the of the building now known as tour before heading to Mexico. An event have been quarantined to prestigious Fordham Archaeological Duane Library. Interred within the even littler known fact is that Trotsky the darkest depths of Fordham’s Finding and Searching Association, magnificent grave was one of the last secretly stayed for a few nights on archives, Trotsky still lives on in the the institution responsible for the known Dodos to ever walk this cruel Fordham’s campus, smuggled in $1,000,000,000,000 water bill that preservation of the sites while they earth. Father Patches O’Hoolihan by Russian spies who had cleverly Fordham is still paying back to this still existed, I was able to uncover found this particular Dodo on the disguised themselves as Jesuit day. these once-proud places and their platform of the Fordham 4 train in priests. Unbeknownst to Fordham, december 6, 2017 the paper page 11 Attention Abroad Students: TripAdvisor is Your New Best Friend By Claire Nunez & Michael Reviewing on TripAdvisor is super therapeutic and helpful Sheridan of some of Rome’s ancient sights. a new place, I was already drafting smooth criminal personality persuad- Editor-at-Large & Arts Editor We walked around the Colosseum, my TripAdvisor review in my head. It ed me. Let’s just say, this was a mis- To be completely honest, Yelp and the Roman Forum, and the Palatine felt good to know that I was helping take on his part. His restaurant was Google Reviews cannot even com- Hill learning about the ruins. The fun other travelers, providing them with not that good, and I am not shy when pare to TripAdvisor. This review site part began when we attached our VR unique and off-the-beaten-path sites, I don’t like something. I left a rather is just so honest and true, and re- headsets. Suddenly, the space came alert them to scams, and just gener- scathing review with a few sprinkles ally elicits the best results for travel. alive with reconstructed ruins as they ally share my thoughts about places. of niceness, and I fell in love. I fell The two of us bonded more over the would have originally appeared. It was Upon my return, I still reviewed plac- so deeply in love with writing reviews. fact that our abroad experiences can simply stunning for a history and art es on the site; however, I will say the I was up all night writing about all of be read online. We decided that we guy such as myself. And this entire ex- frequency has diminished. There’s the places I’ve visited. should write a review about our time perience was free of charge--barring just something about being abroad My reviews became a personal on TripAdvisor because it holds such and reviewing journal for me that other people could a dear place in our hearts. unique and exotic base their travel decisions on—I would places that is ad- rather people not make decisions Michael Sheridan: dicting in a way based on my actual journal. Because I remember my very first trip when that America has TripAdvisor forces you to say what I went abroad. It was to Paris with 4 failed to capture context you visited the place under, other people I barely knew. Although for me. For me, I can look back and remember who I I had a basic knowledge of the sights TripAdvisor and visited Budapest with, who was with in Paris (Eiffel Tower, Louvre, Arc du study abroad will me when we saw that fight in the Red Triomphe, Notre Dame, etc.), the trip forever remain in- Light District, and what I ate at a spe- was still a disaster. We had no idea tertwined in my cific time. I would say that this stuff where anything was or where to get memory. doesn’t really matter, but to be hon- dinner, and beyond these top sights est, I have forgotten so much about we were at a loss of what to do. Vow- my trip already. There are so many ing never to again waste a weekend that I was required to write a glowing Claire Nunez: things going on. Each day just blends walking aimlessly through a European review of the company on TripAdvisor. If you have read anything that I into the next. Before I know it, I’ll be city, I made sure to plan every trip to A good deal in my opinion. have written in the past few months, home. the minute going forward. TripAdvisor Later that night, true to my word, I you’ll know that I currently live in Am- Time goes by so quickly. I want to made this possible. It introduced me created my account and wrote a re- sterdam. I feel like I have done so remember everything about my time to amazing places and activities that view of the tour company. As I was much while I’ve been here, but I have in Amsterdam—the good and the I had never heard of. It helped me sitting there, I realized I had a few ex- recently been struggling to remem- bad. TripAdvisor is my new favorite figure out which cities had the most tra minutes and might as well review ber exactly what and when and with hobby. I have fallen so deeply in love things to do in them. I even began some other businesses in Rome I fre- whom. Living abroad is a whirlwind with keeping track of everything, and to use it to discover hidden gems in quented to help out those places as experience. It goes by so quickly and because it is like a job, I have to do Rome, which was the city I was study- well. Suddenly, I found myself review- it is tough to remember everything it. I hope that one day, I can read my ing in. However, I never set up an ac- ing places almost every night. It start- that has happened. This is why I am reviews with great fondness and may- count or even considered writing re- ed with businesses, then I moved on constantly reviewing on TripAdvisor. be go back to those places to review views of my own. to sights and museums around Rome. My love affair with TripAdvisor be- them again. Fast forward to the end of the se- Then I began to review places I’d been gan when a rather attractive waiter mester when a friend was able to during my travels. Before I knew it, I told me to review his restaurant. I was sign me up for this amazing VR tour couldn’t stop and whenever I visited hesitant, but his dapper smile and page 12 the paper december 6, 2017 The End of an Era: Fordham Says Goodbye to Beloved Auntie Anne’s By Christian Decker Why must they take away my pretzels?? Staff Pretzel Enthusiast namon pretzel goodness, that’s where it would be a good idea if we were not better you can put in place of that pret- As a freshman at Fordham, it has I would go. It was the first place I went in one of the most central, store-filled zel joint. I mean, sure, there are a lot taken me a little while to get used to all to that I made me say, “Damn, this is places in the freaking Bronx. of food options but how often do you the sites, sounds, and nuances of liv- really good”. There are stores that sell everything run into pretzels? Sure, there are street ing on campus and taking classes. My Now Fordham wants to take that vendors or mall food courts, but let’s first week wasn’t exactly what you’d call away from me. I’m genuinely upset Nothing this store be real, do you really trust those? Noth- fantastic. Sure, my orientation group about this. I didn’t really have a pretzel ing this store could possibly offer me was really nice, but I lost my room key place like this back home, and it’s nice could possibly offer would bring me as much joy as pret- on the second day of orientation. Not to have a place to try some new things. me would bring me as zels. I don’t think anything really brings fun at all. One of my biggest concerns The plan is to replace the pretzel job me as much joy as soft pretzels. Yes, however, was what in the Lord’s name with an extension of the convenience much joy as pretzels. there’s family, friends, my girlfriend, was I going to be eating. store set up they have going on right shredding guitar solos and all that jazz After a couple months on campus, I next to it. They sell various over-the- out there. It is a 5-minute walk from but who am I kidding here, soft pret- kind of got the lay of the land in terms counter medicines and various hygiene here to stores that sell the same type zels are the best. They provide a bond- of what’s good. Cosi, A Crust Above, supplies at a convenient location (be- of goods. There is literally a Walgreens ing experience for you and all your fun and Urban Kitchen are nice, and the cause, you know, convenience store). across the street from the library gate. college friends. I’m sure it’s probably caf is there to get you through—you The university want to expand on it due I just don’t get why we must close the good stoner food as well. They aren’t get the gist. But one thing that has al- to the success and popularity of this Auntie Anne’s to get stuff that is so incredibly expensive so you could theo- ways remained a constant favorite is little cabinet of health-related products easily accessible near campus. I mean, retically shovel a lot into your stomach. the Auntie Anne’s pretzel place below the administration. Now I would say that I don’t know of any other pretzel places Fordham, please don’t close Auntie Queen’s Court. Whenever I felt a little makes a lot of sense, it would be good close to here. Why must you rip the joy Anne’s. I would really appreciate it. Sin- overwhelmed with work, or I just need- to give a place for students to get sup- out of my overworked and tired fingers? cerely, an impressionable freshman. ed to eat my feelings with salty or cin- plies really close to home. Of course, I honestly can’t think of something Dogs: the Evil on the Other End of the Leash By Marty Gatto Editor’s note: this article does not reflect the views of the paper Staff Feline Fanatic their fecal destination by the human, most importantly on the outrageous Dogs are evil. Yes, dear sinner, they Furthermore, dogs, as Leviticus or simply release themselves upon indulgences humans have granted may deceive you with their looks. Yes! very astutely points out, are unclean. one’s beautiful carpet. This, more themselves in regards to caving to the Dear sinner! They have pinch-able Not only are they unclean, but they than anything else, invokes inter-spe- canine demon. First and foremost— cheeks, they have fluff, they have the also make you unclean. Upon touch- cies warfare. clothes. Humans cover the dogs’ sin works. Evil. Just looking at the face of ing a dog you are contaminated with Finally, I must very briefly touch and grant the demon more luxury than a Pomeranian fills me with visceral their wretched stench. Whenever they it requires. They unwittingly cover the rage. For I, dear sinner, have not fall- get wet, it is proven, the sin seeps out. five divisions of their paws with one en victim to their works of deception— Additionally, dogs are wildcards. dog-shoe. And they hide the devil’s nay, I have discovered them. Though They’re unpredictable, mutinous reb- fur with luxurious dog-sweaters. They it has taken lots of thinking and lots els. One’s pet should be servile (like a even pamper the dogs to the extent of time to gather my evidence, I am good cat<3), not rebellious! With cats, that they remove their sinful stench finally able to, within my capabilities, you can orchestrate when and where upon bathing, effectively destroying aptly delineate the devil that is in the they eat, when they play, and even any mark of their evil. All this, dear dog. where they void themselves. With sinner, is truly the sign of the devil. “Every animal that parts the hoof dogs, however, it is not so simple. The These reasons are what I have but is not cloven-footed or does not average dog is inclined to, upon iden- found to be the evil on the other end chew the cud is unclean to you. Ev- tifying the food of their master, beg. of the leash. If we think dogs are so eryone who touches them shall be In doing so they invoke inter-species harmless now, why not unyoke them? unclean” Leviticus 11:26. Anyone warfare. Additionally, the average dog The answer is because we are, deep know where that’s from? Uuuum, only has too much bite-force for its own down, afraid. We are afraid of what a book you might have heard of called good. They often chew and destroy they are capable of. We are afraid of THE BIBLE! Dog’s hooves are split items, such as shoes. And it is well what they can do. This, dear sinner, into not one, not two, not three, not known that dogs fetishize the shoe, is why I resign myself to the most four, but five divisions (four claws and much like the sinning man. The dog conservative of cats or even, I must one palm). Five: the same number of can very easily instigate play with any confess, fish of the most ostentatious points in a pentagram. That doesn’t number of objects not intended for this activity and, in doing so, invokes colors. sound cloven-footed to me. And I’m Editor’s note pt 2: sure they don’t chew the cud; just more inter-species warfare. Primary out of these three grievances, though, Seriously! How can you look at them—they eat kibbles and not love this face?? bits! Can dog-food be made into cud? is the gastrointestinal habits of the I do not think so. dog. They either demand to be lead to december 6, 2017 the paper page 13

the paper’s view Sporps With Scott

This year was...just, ugh This Week in Kneeball:

I think I can honestly speak for literally everyone ever when I say that this Hey sporpsfans! As we are only a few weeks into the nine-month pre- year was an unmitigated shitshow that we are all thankful is on its way out. Roderick Heffley Memorial Cup break, we won’t have much to cover Because, let’s face it, this year was garbage. Hot garbage. Calling this year in the wild world of kneeball in this column. We wish Yarnell the a garbage fire seems insulting to garbage, fires, garbage fires, and several best of luck in completing their “desert deprivation” training. We’ve thousand years of human history in which we burned our garbage for stupid already gotten word that three of their chiefs have been stricken things like warmth or whatever. with dehydration and heat stroke. Hopefully, the Blobfish will be But hey, at least The Last Jedi comes out in a week. able to finish off the rest of their nine months with all (or most) of Honestly, I think that it’s the little things like movie premieres and concerts their squad. Reports from West Virginia tell us that Paw Paw has and lunch dates that keep us going when everything around us is falling been excelling in logging with the mountainfolk. Rumor has it that a apart. It gives us something to hold on to when the wind kicks up. I think pair of grooms may have even been recruited full-time to the moun- that, especially in a time when press freedom is constantly under attack, tain lumber jack team. This could be a bargaining tactic as contract I’m grateful that I had the paper around in my life. Without the paper, I never renewals come up, but we hope the Corkboards will be able to fill out would have looked at journalism as an option in my life, never met the amaz- their ranks come August. ing people I have, whose work is so difficult and time consuming but also so important. I have nothing but praise for this dinky little publication I’ve called home for the last four years, and I can’t wait to see what the future holds for Chilly Sporps Facts: it. In closing. There are two quotes I’ve been thinking about a lot. One is from Fordham has a hockey team. No, I’m not joking. It’s a club team, a song, the other is from a comedian. but it’s still real. This is not a joke. I cannot emphasize enough how The chorus to The Mountain Goats’ “This Year” says what I think a lot of us much this isn’t a joke. They play at the Ice Hutch in Mount Vernon. have been saying: I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me. Originally, the biathlon was termed a “square-athlon” and consisted Patton Oswalt’s late wife Michelle used to have a saying, which was: not only of skiing and shooting a gun, but also setting a table and It’s chaos; be kind. putting a star on top of a thirty foot Christmas tree with no ladder. Thanks, Luis Frosty the Snowman has now happily retired as a ski jumping slope. He is very much enjoying not having to feign interest in a new group ----- of obnoxious white kids every year.

Well Umm I guess This Part of My Life Just Ended After autopsy on the corpses of every Soviet hockey player from 1964 to 1980, doctors have determined that they were all genetically I have been an editor here at the paper since I was a freshmen. I can’t engineered super-men. For some unknown reason, this is where they even remember what it was like before I surrendered whole weekends to chose to employ their scientific advancement. this crazy mess we call a publication. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that without the paper I’m going to be a little lost. For the last few years this has been my favorite place to burn away a whole weekend. Sporps Abroad: It has been a genuine honor to serve as co-Editor-In-Chief of this monstros- ity. Where else could I have published hundreds of words of vulgarity and criticism toward an unsuspecting world. New Japan’s 2017 World Tag League is in full swing, featuring the In all seriousness I will miss everything and everyone that the paper brought official New Japan debuts of Sami Callihan, Jeff Cobb, and “The into my life. I have no idea what comes next, but I do know that I can trust in Kentucky Gentleman” Chuckie T. Block A currently stands with five the paper to keep on producing the same let’s describe it as “diverse” level teams tied at six points: Suzukigun (Minoru and Takashi Iizuka), of content. Death Juice (Sami Callihan and Juice Robinson), LIJ (Evil and the paper is love Sanada), Bullet Club (Hangman and Yujiro), and CHAOS (Goto the paper is life and Yoshi-Hashi). Two teams tied at four points: Bullet Club (Bad Luck Fale and Chase Owens), Tenzan and Kojima. Manabu Nakani- I’m sad to go, shi and Yuji Nagata are in last with two points. Block B currently John stands with two teams tied at eight points: The Best Friends (Beret- ta and Chuckie T.) and Guerillas of Destiny (Tama Tonga and Tanga Loa). Four teams are tied at six points: CHAOS (Ishii and Yano Toru), WarMachine (Hanson and Rowe), Killer Elite Squad (Davey Boy Smith Jr. and Lance Archer), and Jeff Cobb and Michael Elgin. Finally, two teams are tied with zero points: Henare and Togi Mak- abe and Young Lions David Finlay and Katsuya Kitamura. page 14 the paper december 6, 2017 An Open Letter to the Man Who Raped Me By Anonymous A contemplation on how to move forward CW: rape, sexual assault myself.I know it’s not my fault.It’s nev- without concern for the comfortable stands up against rapists and the Some things are easier to look at er the girls fault.But it was my fault.I and security of male egos, and yet person who has been raped. And I by not looking at them directly both did this to myself.No I didn’t.Yes I did. one cannot bring oneself to out one’s don’t know how to reconcile these literally and metaphorically. That is No.Yes.No.But also kind of yes.Yes. own rapist? two halves of myself anymore. I don’t how I feel about you. I don’t want to The thoughts come and so does know how to move forward from here. think about you. I don’t want to see the guilt and embarrassment and the There is some- You did this. You did this to me. I you. I don’t want to see your work. I self-blame. They come unbidden and thing very invigo- don’t even know if you know how big don’t want to hear other people talk- unwanted and without real conclu- of an impact you had on my life. I won- ing about you. sion. rating about being der if you ever think of me and what It’s not so much this thing that hap- I used to think I had the answer, or at you did. I hope you do. I hope it haunts pened, this thing that you did to me, least an answer. A question of rape (a able to stand up you. I hope it eats you up inside. made me feel dirty or tainted. You did word it has taken me months to own with sweeping state- But it is unlikely. Most likely I am not traumatize me. I did not become and one I still don’t entirely feel en- just a blip in your life. Your life of pho- depressed. I am not haunted by mem- titled to) has a simple answer. It is not ments of moral fer- tographing dancers and models, safe ories or frightened of other people be- the economy, where there are mul- behind their praise and, judging by In- cause of you. For that, I am thankful. tiple solutions and no one really quite vor and declare right stagram captions, admiration of you. I But you did something to me beyond knows the best way to fix it. Rape is hate that. I hate you. I hate myself for the obvious and it has taken almost simple right? There is the rapist and from wrong. There is being so stuck here; thoroughly un- a year for me to be able to even think the person who has been raped. The something equally able to leave you behind either by let- about it long enough to begin consid- person who has been raped is not, ting it go or by letting everyone know ering the ramifications of what hap- under any circumstances, responsi- crippling about hav- what you did. pened. ble for what happened to them. The So what now? Where do I go from For a long time I was just angry. rapist is entirely at fault and, in a just ing those ideas inter- here? I’m out of simple solutions. I Angry at you yes, but more angry at world (of which I have no delusions nally challenged. guess all I can do is fight for the things myself. Formless anger. The kind of we are currently living) will get outed I believe in and trust that my own in- anger that has no outlet, no place and tried and punished with a sen- ability to follow through does not di- to go. The kind of anger that just sits tence that matches their crime (not I know all the reasons I should. In minish the message of equality and and consumes and infects everything any of this three months nonsense, not outing you, I am allowing you to demands for male accountability that about this life I know to be mine and looking at you Brock Turner). This is do this again to other people. I am I espouse. What else can I do except this person I know to be myself. With what is right. Make men accountable being complicit with you preying on treat kindly and compassionately my the anger also came confusion. How for their behavior. Make rapists afraid other girls. I am letting you think your sisters who have been harmed by could I be so stupid? How could I have forever. How simple it all is in the ab- behavior is okay, or at least letting you social misogyny, work towards creat- let this happen, not once but twice? stract. How simple it should all be in know there are no consequences for ing a world where this does not hap- Why didn’t I say anything? I knew bet- practice. what you do. pen, and hope that one day I will have ter. I, of all people; I, who never backs There is nothing like real experienc- I know all of that. It hurts me. And I enough fortitude to come forth my- down from a fight to defend women’s es to make one question one’s be- still can’t. self? rights; I, who defines myself proudly liefs, and you sure made me question Not yet. Maybe not ever. and unapologetically as a radical fem- mine. There is something very invigo- Hopefully not not ever. inist, should have known better. rating about being able to stand up The problem is you scare me. Not with sweeping statements of moral physically. But the idea of you scares Editor’s note: The thoughts come fervor and declare right from wrong. me. I could make up some rationaliza- If you need to speak to some- There is something equally crippling tion as to why this is but I’m not sure one anonymously, you can reach and so does the guilt about having those ideas internally there is a reason. Like the anger, the challenged. Maybe that is part of fear is formless. the National Sexual Assault Hot- and embarrassment “growing up”; one learns the world is Fear of not being believed. Fear of line at 1-800-656-4673 and the self-blame. more complicated than one thought. what this means for my own future. You can also send a message Maybe that is “truncated emotional/ Fear of what it would mean in terms to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 They come unbidden moral development”; one has great of publicity to out an internationally- discrepancies between what one be- published photographer. Fear of noth- and unwanted and lieves and what one does. Either way, ing but also of everything. without real conclu- it is a challenge to one’s worldview That too feels so incongruous with without recourse to a better alterna- the person I thought I knew myself to sion. tive. be that I don’t know who I am. I can- Because what does one do when not be this person, but I also cannot Why didn’t I say no.It’s not like it’s one of the central pillars around be anyone else. difficult.Why was I so naïve.I knew which one has created ones identity This destruction of self-identity and better.I should have known better. is the kind of radical feminism that self-trust more than anything is the Why did I go back.Why am I blaming believes in challenging misogyny and true damage you inflicted on me. I patriarchal oppression at all costs feel ripped between the person who december 6, 2017 the paper page 15

Dubious Leonardo Da Vinci Painting Sells for $450 Million by Michael Sheridan Likely bought by world-famous art collector, Monty P. Moneybags Arts Co-Editor as Contemporary sales attract buyers naissance paintings. lion goes to the Russian Oligarch who It is ironic that a painting of Jesus willing to spend a lot more as opposed Tickets to the actual auction were sold the work). Christ, who preached always to help to the more conservative buyers that nearly impossible to get. The event was The previous auction record for any the poor and less fortunate, recently typically attend Old Masters auctions. invite only, and several important jour- work of art pales in comparison at sold for the unbelievably large sum of What is even more remarkable is nalists and collectors reported being $179.4 million (a Picasso), and the 450 million dollars at Christie’s Auction that among art historians, the jury is turned away. Only the very top collec- sale even beat the most expensive House on November 15 at the Post-War still out on whether Leonardo even tors that already had an established re- price ever paid for a work of art at and Contemporary Evening Sale. This created the piece to begin with. The lationship with Christies were allowed $300 million, which was sold in a pri- immediately threw the entire art world work was only to attend. vate sale. It is clear to anyone familiar into a frenzy. The biggest question on recently “re- While the with the art market that the buyer did everyone’s mind continues to be who discovered” exact list of not buy the work as an investment. No could have bought the work, and what to be by Leon- guests is not one will ever be able to pay more for will he or she do with it? ardo, however public, Leon- the painting if the buyer tries to resell Long before the sale even began, several promi- ardo di Caprio it. And no amount of tickets to a mu- Christie’s had been priming the art nent mem- was alleg- seum could ever pay back the price of market to spend money on the piece. bers of the edly in atten- the work. The buyer simply bought the The painting went on a multi-city tour, art commu- dance. Thou- piece so that he could hold the distinc- attracting huge crowds everywhere it nity doubt its sands more tion of having paid the most for any went, as the auction house put it on authenticity, watched the work of art in history, and to ensure public display. The marketing team con- citing the odd live stream that this record would not be beaten tinuously pushed the falsehood that it way that the of the event. for quite some time. was the last Leonardo painting in pri- light passes The painting Many feel that this sale has for- vate hands, even dubbing it “The Last through and had a guar- ever changed the auction market, as Leonardo,” despite the fact that there the orb that antee to sell houses will now focus on selling big is at least one other painting by the old Jesus holds. for 100 mil- blockbuster pieces to reach their sales master in private hands. The auction Scholars be- lion and most goals as opposed to trying to sell many house also referred to the work as by lieve that estimates pieces for less. Of course, the ques- “da Vinci” as opposed to the correct, someone with placed the tion still remains of who bought the scholarly “Leonardo,” when discussing the scientific sale around work and what will happen to the Leon- the work in order to attract more gen- knowledge of 130-140 mil- ardo. It is likely that someone in either eral audiences and increase the pub- Leonardo would have been more apt lion. Yet as soon as the floor opened to Asia or Russia purchased the work, as lic hype of the work. Furthermore, the at depicting the light. What everyone bids, it was clear that this initial esti- the wealthy sheiks of the Middle East auction house made the odd decision agrees on is that the painting itself has mate would be blown out of the water. would not spend this much on a paint- to include the piece in its Post-War and been painted over and sloppily restored Bidding remained extremely competi- ing of Jesus, and American and Euro- Contemporary sale alongside works by several times through its centuries- tive until an anonymous phone bidder pean collectors simply don’t have the Warhol and Twombly, citing that Leon- long history, leaving the painting dingy raised the price from $380 million to money to buy such a work. Only time ardo is the most influential artist of and not all that great. Had the painting $400 million, an alarmingly huge jump will tell as to what will happen with the all time and continues to be relevant been by any other artist, it would likely for auctions, which was the final selling painting and to whom it was sold, if he to this day. While this claim is highly only sell for a few thousand at most, as price of the work. The remaining $50 or she ever decides to be revealed pub- doubtful, most analysts believe it was it is not particularity good, especially million are the buyer’s fees which Chris- licly. included to further drive the price up, compared to other Leonardo’s and Re- ties gets to collect (the other $400 mil- page 16 the paper december 6, 2017 Rachel’s Rad Justice League Review Events by Rachel Poe Editor may like Gal Gadot...a lot What: Gamers United Opinions Co-Editor need to do their thing, build their uni- if he could pull it off. The CW’s The verse then bring it together. Flash, is campy and a little pathetic at Meeting Honestly, I think I’m lucky regard- ing the fact that I didn’t grow up with Okay, let’s discuss the plot. It was... best, but this Barry Allen was awkward, Where: Hughes C04A any Marvel content. With each movie okay. It could have used some better funny, and naïve in the best ways. When: Wed. Dec. 6th that comes out, my only expectations writing and another 45 minutes of con- What’s important about the Flash’s tent. Steppenwolf as a villain was kinda character is that lack of experience @4 PM to 6 PM are rooted in the trailers and the previ- ous movies. The problem with Justice lame not gonna lie and the Mother Box- doesn’t take away from his ability to be How Much: FREE League is that I have too many eggs es could have used more development a superhero and it didn’t in the movie. Why: It’s the last meeting in my basket. I grew up watching DC too. Unfortunately, there’s two cut Plus, some of my favorite moments scenes from Batman v Superman and were when he trips at high speeds be- of the semester! Smash shows and movies and just being ob- sessed with this universe of superhe- Wonder Woman that would have set up cause same, bro. Bros. and Mario Kart will roes. Batman: The Animated Series, Justice League. Especially since not ev- Aquaman and Cyborg were good too. be available. Teen Titans, Justice League and Justice ery viewer knows the grander context Not as developed as I would have liked, League Unlimited, Young Justice- each of the Mother Boxes and Darkseid. It especially Aquaman. Cyborg at least of these shows send me spiraling back was definitely a movie for cliché fan- had a side-plot that involved his father What: American Age: to different points of my childhood with boys, especially considering how many so that added to his depth, but Aqua- Candy Gram Delivery a smack of nostalgia. So far, though, times I saw Gal Gadot’s butt! There’s man pretty much goes from “I work literally a scene that just pans down alone” asshole to “reluctant team play- Where: McGinley Lobby the DC cinematic universe has not been living up to the expectations of her back and up her butt, like what the er” asshole. Not to say that Jason Mo- When: Thurs. Dec. 7th my childhood. Well, expect for Wonder fuck guys? That’s ridiculously unneces- moa’s Aquaman wasn’t great, it’s just How Much: FREE Woman, but sary. that the writers could have tried a little harder. But Why: This event is sure who doesn’t like Wonder that could to be sweet! Woman? Man be said for of Steel was most of the movie, let’s What: Gingerbread okay, Batman v Superman be real. House Decorating Con- was a large test pile of noth- (And yes, I’m specifi- Where: McGinley Student ing until those electric cello cally ignor- Lounge riffs signaled ing Bat- When: Thurs. Dec. 7th the glorious Fleck. It’s not worth @6 PM to 7:30 PM return of Di- ana, Princess my time How Much: TBA of Themyscria, *hairflip*) Why: What a great op- and, oh God, Wonder Poe At the end portunity to compEAT! don’t even get me started on the Academy Award Win- But there’s actually a lot of good that of the day, Justice League isn’t perfect ning Suicide Squad. Justice League happens in this movie. Wonder Wom- but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy was a make or break for the DCEU. an, Diana Prince, Gal Gadot- whatever the movie. The biggest issues with the For what it’s worth, I enjoyed the you want to call her, she was fantastic movie came down to pacing and con- movie. After dealing with constant poor regardless of the blatant sexualization. flicting director visions. Despite my in- reviews and “Justice League is going In the aftermath of her stand-alone, Di- tense dislike for Joss Whedon and his to be terrible” from my friends, I wasn’t ana is grappling with reclaiming a lead- fake-ass feminism, he was the saving the most optimistic fan in the theater. ership role because it went so well the grace for Justice League. These things But I tried to keep an open mind and first time. It’s a classic moral dilemma can be overlooked easily when you yeah, I liked it. It’s not going to be nomi- for superheroes and it works here. Di- reprioritize what you want out of this nated for an Oscar anytime soon or go ana usually plays the role of the “heart” movie. If you haven’t seen it, try to stay down as the greatest superhero movie, in various Justice League continuities, optimistic. The dynamics are enjoyable, but it was a much-needed step in the so it was nice to see her step into that the fight scenes are mostly kickass, right direction for the DCEU. Truthfully, role again. And, like, realistically, she’s and there’s a couple surprises that I it highlighted one of the glaring flaws the only one who should be leading the think most people can get behind. of the DCEU -- that it’s trying to do in team anyways. She’s the one with ex- one movie what Marvel did in six. If the tensive military training. DCEU continues to try and keep pace The Flash, played by Ezra Miller, was with Marvel, they’re just going to face- actually really hilarious. I had my reser- plant time and time again. They just vations about Ezra Miller, I didn’t know december 6, 2017 the paper page 17 I Sat Through Every Marvel Movie At Once and I’m At Peace by John Looby Can’t wait for Avengers 12 to drop in 2049 Shows Co-Editor-In-Chief this year. Justice League was meant to universe. Cranking through all of these The Marvel Cinematic Universe is by be the tentpole film of DC’s franchise, movies really does feel like exploring What: Jeté’s Final Perfor- far my favorite film franchise. I’ve seen and for its whole duration I couldn’t one single cinematic world. mance every single entry at least twice and help but think why did this happen this When I hit Avengers: Age of Ultron then I made a drastic decision about way? I’m a human being and so I love I took a moment to ask myself “John, Where: Collins Audito- a week and a half ago. I would watch Batman, but when my brother asked should you keep doing this to yourself?” rium every single entry in the franchise in I paused watched an episode of Parks When: Fri. Dec 8th chronological order in the binge to I will binge watch them on and Rec and regained my strength. end all binges. I’m here to tell you all my death bed. Then I knew I had to keep going. Noth- @9 PM that it was worth it. I say ‘worth it,’ and ing was going to stop me from watching How Much: TBA by that I mean ‘literally only do this if Spiderman Homecoming again. When Why: Sounds like a good you’re completely obsessed.’ Halfway “is there something after the credits?” I caught back up to the films released through Thor: The Dark World I realized I answered “I don’t care we’re leaving.” this year, I felt old. The Marvel Cinemat- time. that this was not a thing that a rational While rewatching the Marvel movies I ic Universe has been raising me since What: UNICEF: Unity human being should be doing and then elected to sit through the entire credits I was 11. Concert I kept going because Guardians and of each one because I’m a purist, and Watching 15 straight Marvel mov- Winter Soldier were next and that is my ies over the course Where: McGinley Ball- of roughly a week room and a half was at When: Fri. Dec. 8th @8 first a great patch of shameless nos- PM talgia and then How Much: TBA towards the end a Why: Come support UNI- haunting reminder that time never CEF’s concert! stops moving for- ward. Around the What: Metamorphosis time that I was finishing up these Where: Collins Audito- movies Kevin Feige rium announced that When: Fri. Dec. 8th @ 9 after Avengers 4 Marvel has another PM, Sat. Dec. 9th @ 2PM 20 films in the pipe- and 8 PM line. Twenty movies, How Much: FREE When the world’s I can’t even wrap in danger, call Looby my mind around Why: Because the word the idea of what metamorphosis is cool. these 20 films are crack. I finished this binge and some I didn’t want it to seem like I was ignor- going to be and also how it is that I small part of me has died. ing my girlfriend’s texts. am going to binge watch of all them The films began almost a decade ago, Marvel has perfected the art of mak- in one week when I’m an adult with a when I was a smaller, just as nerdy hu- ing it feel worth it to sit through every job? I will be old and shitty and they will man being. I remember freaking out at aspect of their films. Knowing that still be cranking out these films. I just the idea of seeing Iron Man in theaters. even the credits will lead to something want to say that I will of course show Also at this time, I thought that Ghost that advances the overall plot of the my children every single one of these Rider was a good movie. So my stan- universe makes watching Iron Man 3 films before they are allowed to make dards were definitely not the best, and butchering the Mandarin worth it (kind me go see a film starring whoever the yet, I still agree with 11 year old me. Iron of). Watching all these movies felt like a next Iron Man will be. For me though Man is great. Rewatching this film, it’s Netflix binge except the budget for the it is truly alarming to ponder the idea easy to understand how from this sin- tv show wasn’t somewhere between that the Marvel films might continue gle film a massive franchise emerged. whatever is in my wallet and maybe well after I am dead, but they are go- Somehow the special effects in this ten enough for like one good special ef- ing to at this rate. Marvel has created year old movie held up incredibly well, fect. Some people complain that Mar- an unstoppable series of films and I will to the extent that Iron Monger, whose vel’s cinematography can be bland, but binge watch them on my death bed. special effects were done a full decade when watching them all in succession ago, looks far better than Steppenwolf this “blandness” felt essential to hav- from Justice League, a film released ing the films function as a cohesive page 18 the paper december 6, 2017 Declan’s 2018 Grammy Grumble, Featuring No Country Music by Declan Murphy Editor summarizes the annual awards with 0% Americana music News Co-Editor in a serious way. In fact, hip-hop art- artists are here, as expected (Mura be confined the R&B category, while The 2018 Grammy nominations ists are dominating the field this year. Masa and Kraftwerk). But some indie Kendrick Lamar and Jay-Z are duk- were released this past week. The Jay-Z leads with the most nomina- artists have snuck into the category. ing it out for dominance in the rap Grammys are an ever-evolving beast, tions – eight nominations in total. LCD Soundsystem’s single “Tonite” category. However, outside challeng- with seemingly fluid categories of Kendrick Lamar has seven nomina- made it in to the dance category, as ers will make these categories worth pop, alternative, dance, and rap. But tions, and Bruno Mars has six. did the uncategorizable Sylvan Esso. watching. This includes Flower Boy by the consequences of this fluidity has On a category-by-category basis, Rock and metal are almost not worth Tyler the Creator, Culture by Migos, been mostly beneficial: the Grammys the picture is a little more bizarre. commenting on. Due to the rise of and the iconic single “Bodak Yellow” can respond to the changing musical Pop continues to be a catch-all for alternative as a category (discussed from Bronx-based rapper Cardi B. landscape with new categories and more traditional music. Standard pop below), rock remains a bastion of Another interesting point is Best more inclusive definitions of old ones. stars are of course represented: Lady hard rock and metal. The only worthy Music Video. There are strong con- Never has this been more apparent Gaga for the lackluster Joanne, P!nk entry here is “Villains” by Queens of tenders all around. Kendrick Lamar’s than the 2018 nominees. The 2018 for one of her singles, and Kesha’s lat- the Stone Age, at least in this writer’s “Humble” wowed audiences earlier list reflects the musical dominance est triumphant release, Rainbow. But opinion. this year. The animated video for Jay- of hip-hop and rap, the increasingly there are oddities as well in the pop Alternative is my bread-and-butter, Z’s “The Story of OJ” is bold and artis- diversification of “alternative” music, category: Tony Bennet and Michael and it’s a tight race this year. Alterna- tically innovative. In a separate field, and the relative stagnation of the Buble. In a promising twist, Portugal tive album of the year will be a tense Beck is up for his pop-infused party “pop” category. the Man’s iconic song of the summer race, spanning many genres and video “Up All Night.” There is a smat- The major takeaway is well-de- “Feel It Still” is up for Best Pop Perfor- styles. It includes Gorillaz’s latest, tering of other categories, but I won’t served recognition of black artists. mance, adding some needed energy Humanz, Father John Misty’s Pure get into all of them – I really don’t Of the album of the year nominees, to an otherwise lukewarm category. Comedy, the return of LCD Sound- think there’s anything worth discuss- all are either people of color (Bruno Dance/electronic has cordoned system, and the new album from The ing in the “Americana” or gospel Mars, Childish Gambino, Jay-Z) or off its own musical territory, but the National. R&B and rap include a pas- categories. And the less said about women (Lorde). The dominance of barriers this year seem surprisingly tiche of the aforementioned black country music, the better. white male artists is being challenged permeable. Traditional electronic artists. Childish Gambino seems to It’s Time to Rebuild Your Deck – A Short Analysis of Master Rules 4 By Jan-Carl Resurrecion It’s time to d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-duel! Staff Duelist more cries about requiring no skill and meta shift, but by rule change. The other major change that Link “It’s time to duel!” Even those wholly ruining Yu-Gi-Oh. Well, there is a way to get more than Monsters brought was an importance unfamiliar with the proper rules of Yu- But the newest ruleset, Master one Extra Deck monster out… which on card positioning. Outside a near- Gi-Oh have some familiarity with the Rules 4, put all previous complaints leads to the second major stinging universally derided series of cards game, its television series, and its to shame. First, it introduced two new point of the new era – Link Monsters. called Senet, Yu-Gi-Oh cards never iconic monsters and characters. It’s an zones onto the field, called the Extra Link Monsters, like their brethren be- cared about positioning, and where iconic series, with recognizable figures Monster Zones. Before, Extra Deck fore them, are Extra Deck monsters, you placed your cards was irrelevant so such as the Blue-Eyes White Dragon Monsters could be sum- and are unique in that long as you were playing legal moves. and Dark Magician, and a vague under- moned to what are now they all have arrows point- Konami, the producers of the game, standing of the rules so prevalent that called the Main Monster ing to other parts of the even went on record that Senet had everyone understands what happens Zones anywhere, just like field. Players can summon been a mistake, and that card position- when you trigger my trap card. monsters from your Main Extra Deck monsters into ing would remain a nonfactor. Imagine But the rules of Yu-Gi-Oh have Deck. Now, they must be either the original Extra the surprise from duelists everywhere changed wildly throughout the years. A summoned to the Extra Monster Zones or any when Konami would go on to introduce long time ago, the Extra Deck, where Monster Zone. This poses Main Monster Zone that a whole new type of monster which de- special monsters are kept and can be a huge problem, because has a Link Monster’s ar- manded smart placement of cards. summoned at any time if you meet the Extra Monster Zone row pointing to it. This As someone who grew up in the era the requirements, was called the Fu- is a shared space. There meant that any deck that of Synchros, my first reaction to the sion Deck, because the only type of are two spaces, but each wanted to have multiple changes were similarly irate. I had monsters that was outside the Main player only gets one, ef- monsters from the Extra loved the days of Synchros swarming Deck were Fusion Monsters. Each new fectively limiting each player to only Deck out at the same time needed to the field, and the rule change seemed era of Yu-Gi-Oh seems to introduce one Extra Deck monster at a time. This have an assortment of Link Monsters to both gut my favored playstyle and be another new summoning technique. was a huge blow to many decks of the too. Many a Yu-Gi-Oh player was miffed primarily motivated by the desire to sell First came Synchro Monsters, then previous era, which were focused on that, while previous introductions of more cards. But Yu-Gi-Oh has come a Xyz (pronounced “ex-ee-zss”) Mon- getting multiple Extra Deck monsters new summoning styles may have ob- long way from the days of old, and no sters, followed by Pendulum Monsters. out. One can imagine how irate many soleted their deck by power, it rarely matter how much the game changes, Each one seems to up the potential a player was, their favorite decks ren- stopped a deck from being a cohesive there’s nothing quite like telling your for wackiness from before, and lead to dered obsolete not by power creep or unit by itself. opponent, “It’s time to duel!” december 6, 2017 the paper page 19 Staying Fresh in Splatoon, Nintendo’s Inkcredible New Series by Matthew Whitaker Don’t get cooked, stay Off the Hook! Arts Co-Editor compete to have more ground covered Eggs. The mode will end if players fail ries shines is its superb soundtrack. Splatoon, Nintendo’s second-newest with their own ink color than the oppos- to collect the Golden Egg quota in one Most of the music is inkspired by rock inktellectual property, was launched ing team at the end of three minutes. hundred seconds or are all splatted at and pop with Splatoon’s squid-based in 2015 on the Wii U console, with a In the other battle modes, teams earn once. This mode is very fun, as play- touch. While most music contains vo- sequel released this year on the Nin- points by completing objectives like ers must cooperate and use strategy cals, all the vocals are gibberish sung tendo Switch. The Splatoon games holding a specific area in their team’s to survive the Salmonid horde and col- by Inklings, who speak their own un- are third-person shooters where char- ink or carrying a powerful weapon into lect enough Golden Eggs. It is the main translatable language. Most songs in acters known as Inklings battle each their opponents’ base. new experience in Splatoon 2, and can Splatoon are tied to an in-game music other with ink-based weapons. As op- Battle modes are inkproved through be played both online and through lo- group, the most notable being Callie posed to the stream of hyperviolent the variety of creative ink-based weap- cal wireless multiplayer. and Marie, also known as the Squid shooters like Call of Duty and Halo, the ons available. Weapons include guns The Splatoon series builds a unique Sisters. While I think Callie is the best Splatoon series offers a family-friend- which look like Super Soakers, giant world and theme by combining marine of the duo, this debate was settled in ly alternative which is easy to learn. paint rollers and brushes, buckets, life with skateboarding culture. All the one of the events for which the Spla- Rather than focusing on killing, or in umbrellas which act like shotguns, inkteresting characters in the Splatoon toon series is best known. Splatoon’s case, “splatting” other play- and much more. Each weapon type series include a plethora of anthropo- Splatfests are events where all play- ers, the Splatoon series pushes other has plenty of variants with different morphized marine life, with the squid- ers choose a team to support and en- objectives. The games build a unique stats, as well as a completely unique based Inklings taking the spotlight. gage in a twenty-four hour battle to see marine-themed world based on skate- playstyle. While Their culture which team comes out on top. Players boarding culture, using this basis from the Aerospray reflects and must decide upon the universe’s most the games’ visual designs to their su- RG shooter (my often parodies inkportant questions, like whether perb soundtracks. Splatoon also has favorite weapon) modern Amer- dogs or cats are better. (I went Team a friendly community which produces encourages turf ica and Japan. Dog and won.) The event receives high-quality memes, though is torn coverage and Inklings have unique battle music and special night- apart by every Splatfest. The series avoiding com- smartphones time versions of stages, making it very forces its players to answer the eternal bat, the Tenta in the shape exciting. Players engage exclusively in question…are you a kid or a squid? Brella focuses on of a squid, the Turf War mode during Splatfests, Overall, the gameplay of the Splatoon shielding team- and the hub and ink colors are based on the theme. series is inkcredible. Players are pitted mates and one- of Splatoon (Shooting globs of mayonnaise-colored against each other in four versus four shotting oppo- 2 is Inkopolis ink was interesting.) The winner is de- Square, which battles, and each team has its own ink nents. Weapons Stay fresh! cided from a combination of both a color. Inklings, the playable characters, are unlocked as is a refer- team’s popularity and win percentage. are able to shoot ink-based weapons to the player levels up, giving the game a ence to Times The Splatoon series has been a hit cover the ground and transform freely sense of progression, and more weap- Square in both its design and name. since launch, with Splatoon for Wii U between a humanoid form and squid ons are being released through DLC The battle stages further display In- selling nearly five million copies. The form. In squid form, Inklings can swim updates. kling culture, and are cleverly designed series has a growing and enthusiastic in their team’s ink, allowing for stealth Splatoon 2 adds an inktimidating and visually stunning. Splatoon’s wide fanbase. As the Captain of my squid and fast travel throughout the map. new cooperative mode known as Salm- variety of stages includes a skatepark, squad, I can say that the Splatoon se- Inklings can be splatted by opposing on Run. In this mode, players work to- an oil rig, an art museum, and much ries is a blast when you have friends Inklings’ ink, and are slowed down gether to defeat three waves of vicious more. The Splatoon series also has an to play it with. Thanks to the Nintendo when stepping in their opponents’ ink. Salmonid, fish-like creatures which interesting backstory, detailing a war Switch, Splatoon 2 has both online and Splatoon 2 offers five competitive mul- come to retrieve their eggs. Players between the Inklings and their rivals, local multiplayer capabilities, and can tiplayer game modes, a co-op horde must collect Golden Eggs from boss the octopus-based Octarians. This is be played anywhere, anytime. (I play mode known as Salmon Run, and a fun Salmonids, stronger variants of Sal- explored in the games’ single-player a lot in McGinley 2nd.) Splatoon has single-player story mode which teaches monids with special abilities. To con- modes, where players are tasked with a bright future ahead of it, and is an the basics of the game. The first and tinue to the next wave, players must exploring the Octarians’ lair. inkcredible experience that’s definitely flagship mode is Turf War, where teams collect the required amount of Golden Another area where the Splatoon se- worth trying. page 20 the paper december 6, 2017

WHICH SUPERHERO Are You? december 6, 2017 the paper page 21

It’s Christmas time again Ford- worse than waking up on the most Feline Phobia keeps an army of elves. THAT IS ham. That means family, peace, anticipated day of the year only to by Canine Supremacist NOT TRUE. WAY TO TRANSFORM love, joy, and presents! But not receive coal in your stocking and So Christmas is all about for- MY CHISELED GOD LIKE BODY all presents are filled with peace be left with the crushing realiza- giveness, compassion, and love. INTO A FAT OL D MAN WITH A SUB- and love or what you put on your tion that you are on the Naughty Guess what present will literally PAR COLOR SCHEME. YOU CAPI- Christmas list. It’s okay to say List. Better luck next year because shred all of those things and give TALISTIC PIGS. that sometimes they suck, like Santa is watching! Literally…San- its decapitated head: a cat. They that alligator skin skirt or Lamb- ta is a product of systematic sur- squander affection, kill for sport, Why Would You Get me Peanuts chop puppet you got last year veillance. and only SOMETIMES love you like Honestly, I think the worst thing (literally we’re in college why what kind of pet is that?? A cat is you can get someone is something would that ever be a good idea). Crappy Legislative Action never an appropriate Christmas they’re allergic too. It’s a double, We asked our editorial staff what by Staff present. no. You get a dog that you nay, triple hitter. First, it shows the they think would be the shittiest The Republican Tax Plan. Where’s can put in a super cute wrapped person getting you the gift doesn’t Christmas present: the gift receipt? box and he can pop his head out know you that well (that or they do and jump in your lap and jump in and just hate you, ouch). Second, The Worst Gift Normie Noel your heart and be your best friend they’re showing their apathy to- by A Reasonably Picky Shopper by Matty Whit forever and you go to college in wards you as a person with some- Listen, I understand the utility of There’s a lot of bad Christmas state just to be around him. thing that can give you a bunch gift cards. You let the gift receiv- gifts out there. You could get a of hive or possible death in the er pick out the gift, it’s definitely copy of No Man’s Sky. Or a basket Guy Who Claims to be Saint Nich- opening process. Third, now you useful, and no one ends up with of Neo Yokio merchandise. Maybe olas but he Smells Really Bad have this gift that you can’t even something they don’t want. With even a lump of coal. But the worst The worst present ever for Christ- pretend to appreciate reminding one exception: absurdly specific Christmas gift of all, worse than mas. Well lets talk about how you of all the cool things you can’t gift cards to stores you don’t go to. all the things I just listed com- AMERICAN CORPORATIONS HAVE have while simultaneously forcing Sorry, Aunt Shirley, I’m not shop- bined, would be a normie meme. BASTARDIZED THE TRUE MEAN- you to have an awkward conver- ping at Banana Republic, so this Giving someone a normie meme ING OF CHRISTMAS. Christmas sation with your distant relative/ is card is USELESS. I realize it’s for Christmas is the equivalent of is a holiday about me, Saint coworker/best friend since child- rude to complain about what is giving a rotten piece of ham that Nicholas, and how people should hood where you have to politely essentially free money, but when has been dipped in arsenic sauce. worship me. NOT ABOUT JESUS tell them what a fucking awful gift that money only works at certain If someone gives you a normie CHRIST YOU INSULENT FOOLS. giver they are to their face. stores that I never got to, it’s more meme for Christmas, that is code AND NOT ABOUT PRESENTS EI- of a chore than a gift. to say that he or she wishes to be THER. Look at me, look at my ma- Aspiring Christmas Carolers your lifelong enemy. Trust me, I’ve jestic gold beard. IS THIS WHITE! by Patiently Toofless Coal is the Worst Christmas seen it happen. This vile act of DID YOU HEAR ME MINDLESS All I don’t want for Christmas, Present giving is the opposite of the true CORPORATIOSN. SANTA CLAUS IS Is my wisdom teeth by Bad Boi meaning of Christmas, and likely A BASTARDIZED ME. You see, they My wisdom teeth Um coal is obviously the worst will cause the nearest puppy to took my athletic body, and mas- Just my wisdom teeth. Christmas present because it cry. Santa will skip any house in sive gold beard, made me a fat means you have been bad all which he detects normie memes, hunched over white haired man year! There is absolutely nothing so be carefull this Christmas. who wears red and white and page 22 the paper december 6, 2017 they are. In No Shame, Hopsin borrows somethings: When will U2 quit? Who another note from the Slim Shady play- cares about U2? Will Bono ever take book and projects a massive persecu- off his rose-tinted glasses? Casting tion complex regarding a falling out doubt aside, the Irish group put forth with his Australian girlfriend, a violent their most honest and diverse record altercation after which Hopsin was ar- in years. rested and banned from Australia (al- The record has many flaws. Without though he vehemently denies that he even listening, it’s easy to hate an al- ever got violent, even going so far as to bum with track names like “You’re the paint himself as the victim—okay, Hop- Best Thing About Me” and “Love is sin). This album is not good, but that Bigger Than Anything in Its Way.” The doesn’t even scratch the surface—the band continues rely on stomp-rock real cherry on top of this steaming pile songs such as “The Blackout” and of manure is the track oh so cleverly “American Soul” for masculine power- titled “Happy Ending,” in which Hopsin chord oomph, which has never been describes in vivid, cringeworthy detail U2’s strength. And in the case of those his exploits in an Asian massage parlor tunes, there are politics without poi- vis a vis Backpage. Hearing about Hop- gnancy (think “Refu-Je-Sus!”). There’s Sia thing. Overall conclusions: I should’ve sin’s sex life ranks somewhere between plenty of recycled material as well: Everyday is Christmas reviewed Gwen Stefani’s new Christ- “the smell of Dick Cheney’s taint” and the opening of “Get Out of Your Own By Colleen Burns mas album, and that says something “what does hydrochloric acid taste Way” is the combination of “Where the because Blake Shelton, the so-called like” on the list of shit I don’t want to Streets Have No Name” and “Beautiful Sia dropped her first Christmas al- “Sexiest Man Alive” (HA!), co-wrote it know about. But more importantly, the Day.” bum just in time for the holiday sea- and is featured on it. song features Hopsin doing a blatantly A good number of the songs poke son. She wrote the entire album in just racist impersonation of what I can only holes in big egos, from Trump to Bono two weeks, and honey, you can tell! I fav track: Everyday is Christmas assume is an Asian accent, which I’m himself, with lines like, “You couldn’t wasn’t expecting to dislike this album sure went over fucking great with his see that I was there, ’cause you were because I love all things Christmas, but friends, but sounded to me like the lazi- talking at me, not to me,” and “The Sia proved me wrong. The album is en- est and downright tone-deaf attempt at showman prays his heartache will tirely original songs, which while com- humor since seeing Louis C.K say the chart/ Making a spectacle of falling mendable is the reason for its ultimate N-word. Egotistical, tacky, and blatantly apart.” But while there is a lack of the demise. From “Ho Ho Ho bring a bottle misogynist, this album is trash. palpable punk anger that has carried of rum” (alluding to the pirate “yo ho U2’s best songs throughout their ca- ho” rhyme) to her mumble aesthetic, reer, hope and rebirth in the face of I’m pretty over this album! Honestly, fear are the blood in the veins of Songs Christmas deserves more. of Experience. A line on the opening Writing an original pop Christmas track reads, “This is no time not to be song is very hit or miss. For example, alive,” and Bono sings, “I am made Kelly Clarkson’s “My Grown Up Christ- of all that I’m afraid of,” on the post- mas List” and Ariana Grande’s “Santa punky “Red Flag Day.” If fear is the Tell Me” are total jams. However, Sia’s tranquilizer of progress, then owning depressing “Puppies Are Forever Not one’s fears is the fortitude of change. Just For Christmas” is a definite miss. It’s powerful shit, and it’s what people This song seems like it’s supposed to despise U2 for. As Bono puts it on “13 be happy and upbeat, but “found my (There is a Light),” “I know the world is best friend now at the old dog pound” Hopsin dumb, but you don’t have to be/ I’ve just doesn’t sound very uplifting. Also, No Shame got a question for the child in you be- you don’t need two songs about snow. By Michael-Jack O’Brien fore it leaves/ Are you tough enough to “Snowman” and “Snowflake” are both be kind?” Old man band or not, it’s the good songs, but come on, doesn’t that Although Hopsin clearly has some question of 2017. seem a little repetitive? modicum of talent for wordplay and a Some of the better songs on this decent flow, I would be delusional to fav track: The Little Things That Give album are “Sunshine,” “Everyday Is think that those things justify me lis- You Away tening all the way through this 17-track U2 Christmas,” and “Underneath the Songs of Experience Christmas Lights.” However, I sill can- self-aggrandizing shitshow of an al- bum. As is the MO for Hopsin’s artis- Debate: Tommy Gerity vs. David not predict if any of these will be play- Kennedy ing on the radio come next Christmas tic style, the California rapper portrays season. I think my aversion to this himself as some sort of hip hop pariah, Tommy’s Take Christmas album is actually Sia’s shunned by his peers who could never Songs of Experience, U2’s follow-up voice. I love Sia’s voice, I really do. see that he is the true savior of the to 2014’s debacle Songs of Innocence, But I just don’t think her voice is very genre. People often equate Hopsin’s is possibly the band’s least-anticipated Christmassy, which I didn’t think was a flow and lyrical style to an Eminem rein- album in the past three decades. Ques- thing, but now I am sure it is definitely a carnation, constantly sniffing their own tions loom above this group of fifty- farts and telling themselves how great december 6, 2017 the paper page 23 David’s Take Chris Stapleton Nobody really needs to say anything From A Room: Volume 2 about U2’s new album, Songs of Expe- By John Looby rience. I mean, nobody actually seems Chris Stapelton’s From A Room: Vol- to pay attention to U2 as a band any- ume 2 is an album that practically does more. At least, not since last year when not exist. I’m not saying it is too short their previous album, Songs of Inno- to be considered an album, although cence, was forcefully digitally distrib- thank god it is mercifully short. What I uted to everyone on earth by iTunes. want to say is that this album is a col- U2’s celebrity nowadays seems to be lection of unholy, brain- stabbing coun- concentrated mainly around Bono’s at- try tropes, so bland that tempts at philanthropy that I as a functioning and his general lack of human being cannot self-awareness. His lyr- rightfully justify that ics, both personal and this album exists. At no political, come across point was I able to keep as way too naïve and track of which song was simple coming from which. It’s like the sort a fifty-seven-year-old of music an advertising political activist. For company makes when someone claiming to they don’t want to pay a be writing from experi- musician for the rights ence, Bono comes across as pretty in- to their music. Nothing about this is nocent when he’s waxing lyrically over good. I review a lot of country music the bygone movement of rock and roll for the paper because apparently my on tracks like “Summer of Love ” and suffering amuses my co-editors. This “American Soul.” album feels like tracks cut from all But then again, U2’s appeal was nev- the other painful albums I’ve had to er about lyricism or songwriting. For the endure during my tenure here. After most part, they were beloved for the at- this, I am freed from this prison. I will mosphere they could create. They were no longer have to listen to some fuck- an underground rock band with sta- ing bullshit about dirt roads, trucks, dium appeal. That’s what Songs of Ex- and budweiser all set to the same few perience is actually missing—it sounds god-awful, shitty chords. Some factory too small, and not in a charming way. exists out there where two fucking vi- There is little to none of the stadium ciously cruel robots are going back and sized echo on this album that used to forth mass producing country music to make U2’s music somewhat believ- finally destroy their human overlords. I able in its grandiosity. In fact the guitar object to this genre’s existence and I sounds like every other guitar on every will not miss reviewing it. mediocre indie rock song on the radio right now, guitar Dan Auerbach would fav track: I object to the notion that I be proud of. enjoyed any of this. Kendrick Lamar is here too, probably asked to return the favor after U2 per- formed on his last album. He doesn’t rap here. Instead he does some ironic preaching as part of an intro/outro between songs, shouting things like “blessed are the liars/ for the truth can be awkward.” I feel kind of embar- rassed for him. This feature sums up my issue with the album—that it isn’t believable. I don’t believe U2 actually likes these sounds; I think they just want to seem up to date. fav track: American Soul page 24 the paper december 6, 2017