Thursday 26 February 2004 Published by the USSU Communications Office issue number 1076

barefTHE UNIVERSITYaa OF SURREYcts STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER

IN THIS WEEK ’ S PAPER INTERNATIONAL WEEK V SHOW 2004 Week 7 is International The Chinese Asian Society GU2 107.3FM | Find out when your Week at the University of introduce you to the wonders favourite shows are on GU2 | page 5 Surrey - find out what’s on of the V Show, held on 29th EXTRA TERRESTRIAL | Want to know what’s offer for one of the most on TV this week? It’s all here! | page 9 February 2004 in the University exciting weeks this year. SPORT | All the latest from the University Hall... Union | page 5 sports teams | page 19 & 20 Union | page 7 Situation Vacant BY CHRIS WARD & PHILIP HOWARD Professor Dowling regarding variable fees, EDITOR & NEWS EDITOR for example, the university policy would be directly affected - the new VC will arrive DO YOU HAVE a PhD? Are you a prominent at a crucial time in the progression towards professor who has contributed to an awe- the new system. Professor Dowling recently inspiring research area? Do you have the announced plans to form a team to assess the academic prowess to lead a top University use of new funding received from variable into a prosperous financial and academic fees, including student representatives; it future? If the answer is yes, perhaps you will entirely depend on the new VC as to should consider applying for the vacancy of whether he chooses to take particular note Vice Chancellor and Chief Executive of the of this team or not. University of Surrey. The position boasts Also at a crucial stage is the Manor Park a handsome salary and many perks as one development - plans for the new campus of the leading figures of the University in are expected to have been approved by the regards to the future of UniS and its future Council in one form or another by the time educational investments. the new VC arrives, and much of his or It has been announced that Patrick J. her tenure at Surrey will be involved with Dowling CBE DL FREng FRS, Professor seeing the project through to establishing of Civil Engineering, will be standing down the new campus. Many decisions remain to as Vice Chancellor and Chief Executive be made, and the vision which the new VC of the University of Surrey. An advert for has will directly affect its implementation. a suitable replacement is currently being The University of Surrey is at a crucial publicised on the UniS Vacancy Website for moment in its history, with variable fees, someone who could provide a notable and new developments, a new campus and the monumental performance as the University continued expansion of Surrey’s image and of Surrey’s new Vice Chancellor and Chief fame. The next Vice-Chancellor will be Executive. The job-description emphasises instrumental ultimately in the success of the that the successful candidate should have future of Surrey. The question on barefacts’ “strong leadership and vision”, “academic lips is: Who is in the running? credibility”, and “significant leadership and management skills” to “continue the development of the University in the challenging HE environment. In addition to retirement from the University looking forward to the opportunities and news last January, he pushed towards of Surrey, Professor Dowling has agreed to challenges of this position.” independence from the government, take on the chair of the BA Council, the Professor Dowling has presided over much raising the possibility of privatisation British Association for the Advancement of the expansion of Surrey on its Stag Hill of the university. Any prospective of Science announced at the beginning of campus - Austin Pearce, the Duke of Kent candidate would have to conform to February. In a press release sent from the building, Millennium House, University these ideals, and be able to continue the University, the Vice Chancellor said, “I am Court, the Daphne Jackson Building, and schemes started over the years. delighted to be taking up this important the Surrey Management School; he is Precisely who gets the job will have a appointment as Chair of the BA. It is currently working on the new Manor Park direct bearing on students at Surrey. Those absolutely fundamental to the future health plans to expand the university across the A3. graduating before the summer of 2005 are of the nation’s economy and quality of life The VC has been instrumental in making unlikely to be greatly affected, but there will that the role of science be fully understood, the university known internationally, and be an extensive hand-over period. If the appreciated and supported by all. I am has promoted UniS far afield. Hitting the new VC has particularly different ideas to entertainments | centre Film | page 7 Competition | page 8 Interactive | page 16 2 NEWS 26 February 2004

EDITORIAL TEAM 2003-4 Education Shuts Down Editor in Chief Sarah Butterworth BY SARAH BUTTERWORTH Second Reading vote with a small majority At Union Council on Tuesday 24th February, comms EDITOR IN CHIEF today’s action shows that there is widespread The University of Surrey Students’ Union @ussu.co.uk opposition to plans to fees. held an indicative vote to show whether MANY STUDENTS AND lecturers shut down “It is abundantly obvious that students do not Surrey students were generally in support Editor further and higher education campuses want to be forced into a marketplace where of or against the AUT action this week. Chris Ward yesterday (Wednesday 25th February) as they have to choose their course based on the Council concluded that it would generally cs21cw part of NUS’ week of action in protest ability to pay and not on aptitude and further show support for the industrial action this @surrey.ac.uk at the government’s plans to introduce to be taught by underpaid and demotivated week, but voted against supporting the variable top-up fees. Many students downed lecturers. ‘working to rule’ which will be commencing Deputy Editor their books for a complete shutdown of “The government needs to act now and on Monday 1st March. The consequences of Neil Christie campuses in a nationwide action which listen to the concerns raised by universities, this could mean students do not have their ms33nc involved demonstrations, pickets and students, staff and the general public. The work marked or returned, exams may not be @surrey.ac.uk rallies. The lecturers’ union the Association HE Bill as it stands fails to address these set, and fi nal year students could see a delay of University Teachers (AUT) were also out concerns and must be stopped before it is in receiving their fi nal degree. Deputy Editor on strike against their employers’ current too late.” Ben Berryman pay proposals. ma91bb At 10:30am on Wednesday Mandy Telford @surrey.ac.uk and Sally Hunt lent their support to students at the University of London Union, Malet Music Editor Street, who were handing out degrees from Matt Badcock the ‘University of Hard Knocks’ in protest at ms01mb the government’s funding proposals. @surrey.ac.uk They then joined the picket line at the University College of London (UCL), Music Editor Gower Street entrance at 11:30am, where Jon Allen students and lecturers stood shoulder to bs21ja shoulder in protest at the government’s plans @surrey.ac.uk to force a market onto higher education. NUS President Mandy Telford said: “In an unprecedented move up to 5 million students Film Editor and lecturers will make it plainly clear to the Neil Boulton government that it has not won the war on cs21nb @surrey.ac.uk top-up fees. Despite scraping through the

Theatre Editor Daisy Clay Scotland. One student, Tom Davies, said it was not the fi rst time the union had tried to ps21dc @surrey.ac.uk Bristol Leaves NUS make the break: “Most people won’t think this will make any difference, maybe a THE STUDENTS’ UNION at the University of by many at the University of Surrey. few less discounts in student shops. Bristol Literature Editor Bristol has voted to disaffi liate itself from President of Bristol Students’ Union, Can students are politically disengaged from Jennifer Walker the National Union of Students (NUS). At Okar, who proposed the motion, said “It student and national politics anyway.” ph21jw an AGM on Thursday 5th February, students costs more than £40,000 a year to be part of Last year University of Surrey students @surrey.ac.uk voted 227 to 145 in favour of forming an the NUS. We felt it wasn’t value for money voted to stay affi liated to the National Union independent union, with 22 abstentions. and we don’t feel it is representative of the of Students in a campus wide referendum News Editor This is a particularly notable move as Bristol student body here. We have to now look at held at the same time as the 2003 Sabbatical Philip Howard Students’ Union was a founding member of alternatives to having some kind of national Elections. However, 10% of students were ph02ph the NUS. voice.” not in favour, a rise on two year’s previous. @surrey.ac.uk Offi cers from the Union said the NUS was Bristol University isn’t the fi rst union to This will come up for a review in a year’s now too expensive and did not adequately make the break. It joins Students’ Unions time, unless a motion overriding it is passed represent Bristol students, a feeling shared at Southampton, Imperial College and in Sports Editor through Union Council before that time. Peter Nichols cs11pn barefacts is an editorially independent newspaper and is published by the University In three week’s time barefacts 2003-4 will be opening its pages for @surrey.ac.uk of Surrey Students’ Union Communications Office. the last time. Yes, only four more issues of your beloved paper this CONTRIBUTORS year (including this one). However, the bf team will be returning The views expressed within the paper are those of individual authors and do not after Easter for one fi nal showdown, with an as yet unnamed necessarily represent the views of the Editor, the University of Surrey Students’ Stuart Badcock Paul Lee magazine. It may seem a little early, but we’ve decided it’s probably Jodee Cartwright Carol Main Union or the University of Surrey. This publication may not be reproduced in whole or in part, stored in any form, copied or distributed, without the express permission best not to soldier through right to the end of semester, so that the David Chapman Dina Mystris of the publisher beforehand. dedicated barefacts team can put the amazing effort they put into Scott Farmer Stavros Sachinis All submissions must include the author’s name and Union or Staff Number. the paper each week into their, um, exams! Thanks guys - you’ve all Matt Fisher Sandeep Sohal Submission is no guarantee of publication been extra specially amazing stars this year. xx Chris Hunter Heli Tirkkonen Claire Iles Laura Tomlin Articles submitted Anonymously and Pseudonymously will not be published. Peter Innes Arvind Virdee submit your articles online... Catherine Lee Peter Wigfield barefacts reserves the right to edit submissions.

[email protected] | WWW.USSU.CO.UK Design & Layup: Sarah Butterworth © USSU COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE 2004 email barefacts Pete Nichols | Ben Berryman Chris Ward | Neil Christie Printed by Sharman and Co. Printers: @ussu.co.uk Peterborough | Tel: 01733 424949 26 February 2004 NEWS & LETTERS 3 Clarke Gives Offa Remit Letters to barefacts Letters must be received by 12pm on the Friday before publication to be published in the next newspaper. | Letters may be edited for length or clarity | [email protected] BY PHILIP HOWARD Mr Clarke’s draft guidance and legislation outlines several main points. Firstly, Dear barefacts, the time saved by hundreds of thousands On Monday Charles Clarke, the education Offa would make agreements with those of students not being required to learn facts secretary, set out the fi rst draft of the remit universities that wish to charge top-up fees. I am writing to complain about something and pass exams on courses which last 3 or of the new Offi ce for Fair Access (Offa). These would include details of bursaries, which I believe affects a lot of us students even 4 years. Secondly, the Governments The Guardian quotes Mr Clark as saying: outreach work and contact with potential here at Surrey and indeed across the country. new proposals will no longer be necessary “Our reforms to higher education will open students. Universities charging additional But fi rstly I wish to criticise the letters the running costs of a university with no up opportunity. The Offi ce for Fair Access fees will also need to report to Offa every you publish most of them concern such students will be dramatically reduced. is an important part of this drive. Today I year. trifl ing matters, or minor inconveniences Foreign students would be liberated am publishing more details of how it will Offa will focus on the universities with the that printing them seems to me merely to from the tedious and expensive business work. Offa will be necessary, focused, non- poorest record of widening participation, highlight a bigger problem that students of travelling to and living in another bureaucratic, powerful, open and nothing who are most likely to charge full fees. Offa are self-obsessed, overly critical layabouts country exchange programs could expand to do with admissions. University are as will also be independent of Hefce, England’s that seem to spend more time enjoying leaps and bounds without the restriction passionate about widening participation as I funding council, but will use the data Hefce themselves and being generally irresponsible of arranging places and accommodation am. Access agreements will be input driven collects rather than place an additional than doing actual work. And therein lies the overseas. In addition, the Governments based on fi nancial support, fi nancial advice burden of paperwork on universities. problem. However, I have given this much targets of 50% university enrolment could and outreach work. Access agreements are Offa is already infamous, even before thought and wish to let my opinionated be reached and even broken I suspect almost not about dictating admissions policies its creation - it has been dubbed ‘OffToff’ and prejudiced views be distributed via 100% of young adults would be placed in and OFFA will not have any powers over by the media, and is much maligned as an a small and insignifi cant student paper. the empowering position of being able to university admissions.” added layer of beaurocracy. There is a solution, which although radical, obtain a degree. This way young adults I believe will solve all these problems and can become productive members of the more. Sea-lions will also be benefi ted. workforce immediately after fi nishing Voting Numbers Up on 2003 A radical restructuring of universities school, with none of the economic put simply, remove all the students. In burdens associated with universities BY PHILIP HOWARD year there are 22 candidates for 6 positions. other words, you hand over a small fee, forced on the unfortunate taxpayer. Much of the success of this year’s and in exchange are awarded some sort Preliminary fi gures from the voting booths improved turn-out has been attributed to of notional degree. The advantages of YOURS DISGRUNTLEDLY, put the number of votes up by approximately election campaigning - with 22 candidates, this are enormous and readily apparent to A REVOLUTIONARY RESIDENT half on last year - on Monday alone there there are simply more posters, despite their anyone; it is worthwhile just considering were some 450 votes, around 150 up on last continual removal by university staff and year. ‘wayward factions’. Dear barefacts that many people I spoke to have never been In the past, student apathy has been blamed Many expected this year’s elections to have to see a musical before, so I challenge you, for low turn-out, and also as the reason for a lower turn-out than last year, as electronic I am writing to shamelessly plug MaDSoc’s come watch A Slice of Saturday Night and so few candidates standing in past years. voting is not available this year. Off-campus musical which is happening in Week 7. fi nd out what makes musical so popular. Last year saw VP Societies & Culture go voters have had to apply for postal voting From the 3rd to the 6th March at 8pm and I can guarantee you that all students and uncontested, and only VP Sports managed forms in advance, leaving some unable to an additional 2.30pm performance on the staff will know at least one of the songs three candidates. This year, however, the participate. Saturday, the cast of A Slice of Saturday as they’re all revamped 60s classics. newly created VP Postgraduate Affairs Voting is still open until Friday 27th, and Night want to give you a night to remember. Oh, and there’s girls in hotpants too. position has the fewest candidates with just voting stations are open in the Union and Tickets are only 5 and are available from the two in the running, whilst VP Education & Lecture Theatres, complete with candidates union between 12 and 2 and also from the YOURS SINCERELY, Welfare has fi ve candidates. In total there on hand to assist you in your decision. Electric Theatre 01483 444789. When I was SAMANTHA SOMERS were 10 candidates for 5 positions, and this on my travels around campus, I discovered MADSOC PRESIDENT

www coming soon..... uk dot the (almost) all new: dot Gu2 co

dot www.ussu.co.uk dot your first port of call for pretty much co

Gu2 anything you want to know about dot the Union, University, societies, sports

dot clubs, media, welfare, Union Council, uk Volunteering, DAVE Project...... or life in general! www 4 COMMENT 26 February 2004 The Return of Politics Philip Howard takes a look at politics, NUS, elections, GU2, the Vice Chancellor, opinion Europe, Russia and, well.... pretty much everything!

It occurs to me that this week has been a week of high At the top of the university, Senate House is looking for politics. Campus politics - the union sabbatical elections; a new VC - Professor Dowling leaves in the summer of UK politics - the AUT lecturers’ strike action, NUS’ ‘day 2005, and a worthy replacement must be found to shape the March 1st of action’, inquiries into MMR jabs; EU politics - tough future of UniS using their new-found power. Concurrently, You may notice a change from next Monday. Because if immigration laws for visitors from the accession countries; lecturers are on strike over pay and conditions across the everything goes to plan some 40% of your lecturers may World politics - Putin dismissed his government, Bush has country, or so we are told. Few lecturers from Surrey are stop marking your work, returning work and setting exams begun his re-election campaign 8 months early. following the instructions of the AUT, so perhaps the from the 1st March. The AUT voted in favour of this action If politics is about anything, it’s power. You have the lecturers are generally happier at Surrey than in the rest of in a ballot last week, and it is to show their unhappiness at power to elect in the sabbaticals that you want running the the country. proposed cuts in their wages. The Surrey AUT have asked the union for the next year. The lecturers are trying to wield One resounding power victory has been GU2 - it has Student’ Union for their support, and on Tuesday night there their power over universities to gain leverage in pay talks. control of the airwaves for a full month, and as I write was a lively debate at Union council as to whether or not we The NUS is as power-mad as ever. Parents are pressuring is currently excercising its power over listeners’ funny should show support. The overwhelming feeling was that the government for an inquiry in the hopes they can regain bones doing a live broadcast as one of their number offers although students sympathise with the lecturers’ problems, power over the decisions they must take for their children. Security a ‘gift’ - the quote is “Phil Brown, hand over the as a Union it would be very diffi cult to support something Our government is excercising its temporary power to donuts”. Free donuts, however, will only be available to that is going to directly affect the majority of students’ control immigrants from eastern Europe. Putin is stretching immigrants from the accession countries of eastern Europe degrees. An indicative vote at council confi rmed this feeling. his power over his government, and Bush is trying to extent should they get a job. As the plumber crisis begins to If you are affected by the strike of lecturers, or having any the time-limit on his. pull academics from university with the lure of increased thoughts on this, write to [email protected]. wealth, the gap may be summarily fi lled by a number of visitors from our new European neighbours. In an age where Americans Despite all the cries of British jobs being fi lled by not barefacts opinion, but..... foreigners, I for one welcome a new culture set to the (and ever increasingly Britons) UK - you can never have enough. The Home Offi ce has, however, had to exercise their power over the hoards of A Slice of Saturday Night seek to ‘empower’ themselves, foreigners about to invade, presumably to shut the Daily Let us transport you back to retro 1964, where the hems were power is becoming yet more Mail readers up. All this moves ever closer to a federal high and the fringes low. Here at, Club-A-Go-Go, you can europe, although that is one debate that has not been raging witness the antics of a group of teenagers out on a Saturday powerful in society. Yet power recently. night. Witness the laughter, the tears, the break ups, the On the scale of Europe’s top level politics, Putin decided make-ups all accompanied by the psychedelic sounds of corrupts, why do we seek it? he had had enough of his government just weeks before the 60’s, that will have you tapping your feet and dancing the next presidential election, and sent them all home. An in your seats. excellent display of power, particularly as Putin is expected The University of Surrey’s Music and Drama Society is Unfortunately, it seems that the power struggles of the to walk into a re-election. Not so for Bush, however. On proud to present The Heather Brother’s fantastically funny most powerful are refl ected in the power struggles of the the other side of the North Pole, the President is having to and fabulously funky production of A Slice of Saturday most local - this past fortnight has seen an unending volley face a strong opposition as he starts his campaign to retain Night, which plays homage to the music and lifestyle of the of abuse and negative campaigning. Overlying the bitchier power some 8 months before the election. Perhaps some of swinging-sixties. side of the election process is the ever more aggravating our sabbatical candidates could have benefi tted from more The story takes place in the infamous Club-A-Go-Go, power struggle over the walls of campus between estates & of this kind of planning ahead. under the watchful eye of aging rocker Eric ‘Rubber Legs’ buildings and the candidates’ campaign teams. Daily rounds In an age where Americans (and ever increasingly Britons) DeVene. It is THE place to be on a Saturday night, where all to scour the walls of anything paper, not just on UCAS seek to ‘empower’ themselves, power is becoming yet more the highs and lows of the ‘teenage dream’ take place. days. Smear campaigns, spin, skeletons from cupboards powerful in society. Yet power corrupts, why do we seek it? The girls are styled to perfection, desperate to look like and fairly painful comedy have all played their part. Society’s collective ego demands that we could do a better Twiggy, Dusty Springfi eld and Sandy Shaw. Beneath their By the time you read this, the campus elections will be job of running things, that whoever currently wields power skimpy Mary Quant style dresses beat virginal hearts on all but over. Voting levels are up greatly on last year, but is doing a terrible job. We want power, but we can’t feel it the lookout for a future husband. The boys are would-be- that’s no guarantee that more people aren’t being dragged directly. However, we can fi ght our little corner, where our Beatles or embryo Donovan’s. Behind their cool hipster to voting stations as they venture through the Lecture vote is one of a thousand rather than one of a million, with trousers lurk the not-so-virginal impulses, which drive them Theatres. More candidates, more controversy, it seems. As the same venom as wars are waged. Sometime we will need wild with desire. the candidates wait with baited breath, the adrenaline runs to let go of the throttle, or we will burn out - overpowered, To introduce you to the characters; Sue is going out with pure. it seems, by ourselves. Oh, and don’t forget to vote. Gary, who chats up Penny and any other bit of skirt that looks his way. Sharon fancies Rick, who fancies Sharon, but can’t pluck up the courage to tell her because she hasn’t told him. Eddie fancies Bridget, who doesn’t fancy anyone at all… Just an average Saturday night on the town then! Elections 2004 - the big vote A Slice of Saturday Night is showing at the Electric Theatre from Wednesday 3rd to Saturday 6th March 2004, 8pm This friday sees the culmination of this and 2.30pm (Saturday matinee only). Tickets are available year’s sabbatical elections. Voting closes at from the Electric Theatre Box Offi ce on 01483 444 789. midday and the count begins shortly after. Alternatively they can be purchased in the Union between 12pm and 2pm from week 5 onwards. Tickets are priced join the candidates in chancellor’s restau- £7/£5 concessions (including students). rant from 5pm on friday to find out who will BY LAURA TOMLIN AND JODEE CARTWRIGHT be next years officers barefacts | be heard Good Luck to all the candidates [email protected] from barefacts! 26 February 2004 UNION 5 wwwdotGu2dotcodotuk 0600- 0800- 0900- 1000- 1100- 1200- 1300- 1400- 1500- 1700- 1900- 2000- 2100- 2200- 2300- 0000- 0200- 0800 0900 1000 1100 1200 1300 1400 1500 1700 1900 2000 2100 2200 2300 0000 0200 0600 Steed at the lunch 5-6: Phil feat’ Petchy / 6-7: Weekday Classic The En The En JD Hot

Monday hour minus Em & Em

The morning after with Amelia Set Damn

Phil Brown presents Brunch! Show Show Da Jump Off Good morning Surrey The Bad Boys of GU2 Cyclone Dance Show International SBN Breakfast Jay & Petchy

Tueasday Sabeena Kerrang show Rock The Late Show GU2 non stop music Wednesday David G Nafe And Chris

Sports with Ones Scoot & The Thursday Tugmuck to Banjo Move Watch

The En & Chris & Friday Ruby Friday Night Kiss Em Show Louise

Non Stop Big Luke & Cyclone Da James Harwood John Miller Jazz Bad Boys of GU2 Old Skool Anti- Chart Saturday GU2 Stappers Show Dance Jump Rock (till 1600) (till 1800) music Show Off

James Rays Madness Chart Show Sunday Service Malcolms Jazz Sunday Xan Phillips Lazy Sunday Harwood with Ruby and Tanyel Revolution

Want to know what’s on GU2? Then look no further than your very own barefacts GU2 FM planner. There are show to suit all tastes, from cheese to urban, and rock to dance. So what are you waiting for? Tune into 107.3fm or head to www.gu2.co.uk to listen online...

Tuesday 2nd March 2004 6 UNION 26 February 2004

the USSU with a representative from Save (8am – 2pm ish). You’ll get a free lunch, raising event where there will be a talk for The Children on Wednesday 3rd March, and travel expenses paid of course. the school children about the organisations, 2.30pm in the USSU activity centre for and the children will be given a chance to Dr anyone who is interested. Please let me play! We are looking for students to go know if you are interested in coming along USSU Battle… along and help out. and getting involved. It’s time for ‘battle of the bands’! We have Do You Get The Link? Cadet Collection… 10 local schools ready to battle it out on the USSU stage to win a top prize and the St. John Links is the student wing of the On Saturday 20th March volunteers are honor of being the best local school band. UK’s largest voluntary fi rst aid society, and being requested to help with a street The event will take place over 2 Sundays they are running an ambulance training collection in Guildford for the Sea Cadets. – 14th and 21st March. Help is needed exercise on Saturday 17th April, locally Fashion Show… It will be an exciting event, with a cadet on both days – it will be a fun time, and a (Dunsfold Park – transport provided band playing! fantastic opportunity to learn and develop – numbers depending). A similar event ran On the evening of Saturday 8th May ‘Save new skills. last year and students and staff from UniS The Children’ are holding a fundraising Enterprising Opportunity… went along and had a fantastic time! The fashion show at the Holiday Inn (by It’s Childs Play… day will run from 8am until about 8pm and Tesco’s) and they have asked the A Team A game is being run (like mini-enterprise if meals will be provided. to help! They are especially looking for you remember that from secondary school?) We are linking with a local infants school help with musical entertainment (trendy for 75 year 10 business studies students at for 2 mornings with Disability Challengers Name | Carol Main jazz/ acapella), as well as producing the The George Abbot School (Guildford) and (who run a playcentre, sports club, activity Tel | (01483) (68) 3254 programme, designing a backdrop for the a volunteer or two are being sought to help weekends etc for children and young Email | [email protected] catwalk, and helping with the technical side ‘sell’ stationary supplies (paper money!). people under 25 years) on Thursdays 11th Web | www.ussu.co.uk/volunteering (PA/ lighting). There will be a meeting in It’s an all day event on Tuesday 30th March and 18th March. This will be an awareness Person | The Activities Centre @ USSU 26 February 2004 PROFESSIONAL 7 Dr Russ V-SHOW 2004 is Back

BY PAUL LEE performance?! The most hilarious On- stage drama (Freshers’ Challenge & DR RUSS CLARK In 2003, the fi rst ever V-show in UniS was Pop Idol 2004)?! Joint-school Singing Replies UNIS CAREERS SERVICE launched by the Chinese Asian Society contest?! If that still can't interest you then (CAS). And now, on 29th February 2004, we I am sure you can't resist up to £200 Prize are back again…. Draw!!! Why do employers use discussion groups worry about making a fool of yourself DREAM is our theme for this year show. Normally you can only fi nd this kind of at selection centres? at this stage, it’s far more important to Everyone has a dream, or even more show in those so-called bigger University get used to the sound of your own voice. than one, but how many of them can turn in UK, such as London, Cambridge, Bristol Discussion groups provide a quick and You will gain in confi dence the more you into reality ?! Do you realize University etc. as they have a larger base of Chinese easy way to gain information from speak. Second, if you feel shut out of the students should have loads of wild dreams and Hong Kong students. Following candidates which is relevant to a range of discussion at any stage - you can come back ?! Because University is a period of time the success from last year, although the jobs. Employers are particularly interested in fairly painlessly either by complimenting when you move out and live on your own, manpower and resources are limited in assessing your self-confi dence, clarity someone on a view or an opinion which have all your freedom, no need to worry in UniS, the CAS committees worked of expression, breadth and depth of ideas they’ve expressed or by asking them to about jobs and money yet…We would like extremely hard in order to make it happen. and interpersonal skills from this type of clarify something they’ve said. You will be to take this opportunity to transfer those This show is not only about performance, it exercise. given marks for these contributions because dreams into reality, live on-stage !!! is also about heart and sincerity. If you are they are seen as supportive and helpful. V-show stands for Variety and that's Chinese, then this is a chance you couldn’t So what are they like? what our show is all about. What you can miss to support your society. We are What if I’m asked to lead? expect in our V-show?! Hip-hop Dance looking forward to seeing you there... Having watched a number of discussion groups over the years, the main thing If you are chairing the discussion you I’ve noticed is that there is no common should aim to: introduce the topic; set Date: 29th February 2004 (Sun) | Venue: University Hall | Time: 5:00pm – 8:00pm | format. A chairperson might be appointed down any guidelines such as encouraging Entrance Fee: £7 (In Adv) & £10 (By Door) | Ticket Sales: 18/2 to 20/2 and 23/2 to 25/ or the group left leaderless; a specifi c only one person to speak at a time; curtail 2 @ Lecture Theatre (Foyer) 12:00-14:00 | by phone: 07867983351(Debbie) | topic might be thrown in for discussion overbearing participants whilst involving by e-mail: [email protected] or you might be left to develop something those on the fringes of the discussion; and, yourselves; sometimes you are given a brief fi nally, steer the group towards a point beforehand, other times you’re not. where you can make a short summary of the discussion. Keep your eye on the clock So how can I best prepare? because if you over-run, you might be Amnesty International penalised. The discussion might even be First of all why not consider attending terminated by the examiners before you’ve BY HELI TIRKKONEN | We have set up an Amnesty International Society here at campus the next Assessment Centre workshop on had a chance to draw it all together and that and as there are just few of us at the moment, it would be nice to get some help in sending Wednesday 3 March at 2pm. The Careers would be disastrous. appeals. For people who do not know about Amnesty, it is an independent voluntary Service also holds a video which shows movement campaigning for human rights. It is important to note that we are impartial and what happens at a typical assessment And if I mess it up? independent of any political ideology, economic interest, government or religion. It takes centre and which is defi nitely worth seeing. literally just couple of minutes to send an appeal: log on to one of the following websites, Finally, we have a useful takeaway leafl et As with every part of the selection copy & paste the sample text to an email and send it off, but if you want to change the which summarises the main activities you procedure, don’t panic if you think it hasn’t sample text, please read the instructions at www.amnesty.org.uk prior to sending it. are likely to face. gone well for you. Candidates are seldom rejected on the results of just one exercise. STOPPING THE PAIN MERCHANTS preventing torture: the Optional Protocol to How can I improve my performance on What’s more, if you stay calm and can web.amnesty.org/pages/stoptorture- the Convention against Torture and Other the day? bounce back for the next test, your positive 021203-action-eng Cruel, Inhuman or Degrading Treatment attitude is certain to impress the examiners “Manufacturing, trading and promoting or Punishment (the Protocol). As of 20 The most important thing is to say and will often more than compensate for equipment which is used to torture people August 2003, Argentina, Costa Rica, Italy, something early on. The longer you leave previous disappointments. is a money-making business. Across the Senegal, Sweden, Denmark and the UK it, the harder it is to get going. Don’t world, companies and individuals send are the only states that have signed the equipment they say is designed for security Protocol. No state has yet ratifi ed it. The or crime control purposes into the hands of Protocol allows independent international CAREERS EVENTS | SPRING SEMESTER WEEK 7 government security personnel who often experts to conduct regular visits to places use them to commit human rights abuses. of detention within states parties (i.e. states ARMY* HOW TO SUCCEED AT ASSESSMENT In the report The Pain Merchants, that have accepted this Protocol by ratifying MONDAY 1 MARCH CENTRES* Amnesty International outlines the or acceding to it). The aim of these visits Visiting to hold informal interviews . Many and WEDNESDAY 3 MARCH varied career openings across a wide range of 2 – 4 pm in LT B measures needed to bring this vile trade is to assess the condition of detention and disciplines. Please contact Careers for details. Another opportunity to attend a workshop on to a halt. These include a ban on all the treatment of those detained and to fi nal selection procedures. This is a repeat of the equipment whose primary use is to commit make recommendations to states parties for WOOLWORTHS* workshop held on 11 February. human rights violations such as torture; a improvements. The Protocol also requires 1 MARCH 6.30 pm in LT M * Please sign up in suspension on the manufacture and use of states parties to set up national mechanism Presentation for fi nalists and placement students for Careers or email any equipment which might be used for to conduct visits to places of detention and the Group Leadership Programme for Retail. [email protected] human rights abuse; and a prohibition on to cooperate with the international experts. the transfer and use of such equipment. Amnesty International together with many Last year, Amnesty International recorded other non-governmental organisations torture in more than 100 countries. If (NGOs) have long campaigned for a strong there were tighter controls on the trade in and effective Protocol, and welcomed security equipment and governments of the its adoption by the UN. By focussing on world had the political will to stop torture, preventive rather than retroactive measures, this number would fall.” and by establishing a complementary Campaign for the signature and ratifi cation relationship between international and of the Optional Protocol to the Convention national mechanisms of monitoring, the against Torture: web.amnesty.org/pages/ Protocol offers a new and important tool to treaty_opcat “On 18 December 2002, the eradicate torture. Now governments must United Nations (UN) General Assembly sign and ratify the Protocol, and by doing adopted a new mechanism aimed at so ensuring its prompt entry into force.” FILM MORE FILM As Oscar Day nears, Win all manner of ‘Bug Neil Boulton presents Fish’ goodie bags in our a special barearts run fantastic competition down of the likely from the good ole suspects... Guildford Odeon. The Golden Army Of By Neil Boulton or ‘How we know the Oscars go to the wrong Cinematic Disappointment films but worry anyway’

No film reviews this week, as such, but the Oscar’s take place this week. I know they never (ever) seem to go to the most deserving films e.g. Oscars for Eminem – 1, Oscars for Martin Scorcese – 0, but that’s the fickle American voting system for you (oh the possible jokes at the expense of American Democracy… but that’s too far removed from cinema). The best picture category is notorious for providing the biggest Oscar-awarding mishaps, Kramer vs. Kramer beating Apocalypse Now’s a good example. A lot of them also involve snubbing Scorcese – a film called Ordinary People beating Raging Bull for best film in 1984… I’ve never heard of Ordinary People… ever. ( Also Taxi Driver beaten for best picture by Rocky, Kevin Costner got the Oscar at the time when Goodfellas was eligible). Then there is all the back-slapping, hidden agendas, golden watches disguised as awards… and then there’s Billy Crystal. Billy Crystal will make a small part of the back of your brain hurt if you watch him too much and the song and dance he usually makes of the Oscars is just about enough to start the pain. Although he’s more at home with it than Steve Martin ever was (Poor Steve). Vast amounts of crying and awful speeches also await us, so try not to think about the ceremony too much. All the fun comes in the speculation, as I said, the results themselves only bring disappointment. Anyway, here are a few of the categories and their nominees, so you too may speculate about who should, or who’ll end up winning. The Return of The King leads the pack with 11 nominations, doesn’t mean they’re going to get 11 Oscars… or does it.

Performance by an actor in a leading Well, Johnny Depp did possibly the and again with Jackson as the favourite. CITY OF GOD Screenplay by Braulio role funniest turn to get his nomination, Er… Why oh why is Seabiscuit there? Mantovani Johnny Depp in PIRATES OF THE but I’d be happy with Bill Murray THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE CARIBBEAN: THE CURSE OF THE winning one as well (They’ve both Best animated feature film of the RETURN OF THE KING Screenplay BLACK PEARL played Hunter S. Thomspon in a year by Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens & Peter Ben Kingsley in HOUSE OF SAND AND film…), although the Academy BROTHER BEAR Jackson FOG may go for an irony bonus and give FINDING NEMO MYSTIC RIVER Screenplay by Brian Jude Law in COLD MOUNTAIN it to Sean Penn who, while being THE TRIPLETS OF BELLEVILLE Helgeland Bill Murray in LOST IN TRANSLATION a great actor, is notoriously anti- SEABISCUIT Written for the Screen by Sean Penn in MYSTIC RIVER academy/Hollywood. Glad to see they As long as it’s not Brother Gary Ross ignored Tom Cruise. Mystic River’s Bear I’ll be happy. Both Performance by an actor in a supporting dominating the acting nominations, Finding Nemo and The Original screenplay role which isn’t surprising considering Triplets Of Belleville are THE BARBARIAN INVASIONS Written Alec Baldwin in THE COOLER the talent involved in the film and great films (The Triplets by Denys Arcand Benicio Del Toro in 21 GRAMS it’s dramatic very Oscar friendly of Belleville was shown over DIRTY PRETTY THINGS Written by Djimon Hounsou in IN AMERICA subject matter. Though both Penn Christmas re-titled ‘Belleville Steven Knight Tim Robbins in MYSTIC RIVER & Robbins deserve Oscars, Rendez-Vous’), though I prefer FINDING NEMO Screenplay by Andrew Ken Watanabe in THE LAST SAMURAI I’d quite like Pirates Of The the latter as I don’t want Disney Stanton, Bob Peterson and David Reynolds Caribbean to win across the to dominate animation. Original Story by Andrew Stanton Performance by an actress in a leading board, mainly because it’s a IN AMERICA Written by Jim Sheridan & role Jerry Bruckheimer film. Achievement in visual Naomi Sheridan & Kirsten Sheridan Keisha Castle-Hughes in WHALE RIDER effects LOST IN TRANSLATION Written by Diane Keaton in SOMETHING’S GOTTA Achievement in directing THE LORD OF THE Sofia Coppola GIVE CITY OF GOD Fernando Meirelles RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE Samantha Morton in IN AMERICA THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE KING Charlize Theron in MONSTER RETURN OF THE KING Peter Jackson MASTER AND COMMANDER: THE Extra-Extra-Terrestrial: Naomi Watts in 21 GRAMS LOST IN TRANSLATION Sofia Coppola FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD The Oscars are on BBC1 at 12:50am – 5: MASTER AND COMMANDER: THE PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: THE 00am on Sunday-going-on-Monday, if Performance by an actress in a FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD Peter Weir CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL you fancy sitting through the giant heap of supporting role MYSTIC RIVER Clint Eastwood backslapping and musical numbers. Or if Shohreh Aghdashloo in HOUSE OF The visual effects are as good as The you want a more succinct version you can SAND AND FOG Best motion picture of the year Return of the King’s, they had the skeleton- watch Jonathan Ross’ coverage the next day Patricia Clarkson in PIECES OF APRIL THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE type effects of Pirates of the Caribbean, from 10:35pm – 12:20am, it will however Marcia Gay Harden in MYSTIC RIVER RETURN OF THE KING (New Line) but with added war elephants. Master feature Jonathan Ross. Holly Hunter in THIRTEEN LOST IN TRANSLATION and Commander’s nautical exploits I Renée Zellweger in COLD MOUNTAIN MASTER AND COMMANDER: THE guess would be very hard to fake, water FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD everywhere, rigging to climb, again similar MYSTIC RIVER to Pirates of the Caribbean, but done with SEABISCUIT more aplomb.

All of the Directors nominated could As for the writing categories as usual I’d easily win, I’d say Peter Weir’s the weak like the odd-ones-out to win, American candidate… he’ll probably go and win Splendour (Because it’s based on a comic) it now. Considering missing out the last and Finding Nemo (Because it’s a cartoon). two times the award seems to be as good as Jackson’s. The best film list is near Adapted screenplay identical to the best director list, with all the AMERICAN SPLENDOR Written by nominated standing a chance of winning, Robert Pulcini & Shari Springer Berman 26 February 2004 FILM 9 Extra Terrestrial - The Week Ahead

Aloha! It would appear to be unusually banded on TV this week, BBC1’s providing the more high-brow entertainment, Channel 4’s fuelling the film buff’s fires and Channel 5 is providing a wonderful smattering of brainless entertainment. Be sure to watch Apocalypse Now, you have to. By the way, I’m not implying that Xchange is high-brow… BY NEIL BOULTON FILM EDITOR Sunday 29th February Thursday 26th February 2004 Five | Starship Troopers | Paul Verhoven’s slightly satirical sci-fi action fi lm is 9:00pm – always a laugh to watch. It’s the future! And a huge race of alien insects on a BBC1 | Gods And Monsters | Ian McKellen plays the 1930s director James Whale, 11:20pm far off planet has just started attacking Earth. At fi rst Johnny Rico just enlisted 12:30am – the man responsible for bringing Frankenstein to the silver screen. Dubbed in the army to chase his High school Sweetheart, but then the alien insects 2:15am ‘The Father of Frankenstein”, the fi lm is a biographical fantasy (sounds end up blowing up his home city, he takes it personally. Special effects, blood, bizarre) set during the director’s last days when he wasn’t raking it in at the insect innards and more! cinemas and was ostracised for being homosexual, the plot focussing largely BBC1 | Throw Momma From The Train | Both Danny DeVito and Billy Crystal have on the man’s relationship with his gardener Brendan Frasier. The fi lm received 11:25pm – someone they would dearly love dead; Billy his ex-wife who is making his life 3 Oscar nominations, winning for best-adapted screenplay. 12:50am miserable, Danny his domineering, nasty mother. What could be simpler than Friday 27th February 2004 exchanging murders to avoid any possible complicity. But it’s not going to be that easy. This would appear to be a twist on Hitcock’s Strangers On a Train... Five | Tango & Cash | Turn brain off, turn TV on, turn to channel 5. Today Sylvester 9:00pm – Stallone (playing the classy one) and Kurt Russell (playing the meathead) are Monday 1st March 2004 11:00pm bickering cops who have both been framed by a nasty drugs baron. Two men Channel 4 | The Opposite of Sex | Dark yet oddball comedy about a white-trash teenager being macho, things blowing up. Could be fun, could be personally insulting. 11:00pm – who steals her gay half-brothers boyfriend so she can have an instant father for Five | Automatic | With brain still toughly turned off from earlier, stay on channel 5. 12:55am the child she’s carrying. Simple. Christina Ricci is said white trash in this fi lm 12:55am – Sci-fi ahoy, cyborg bodyguards from a high-tech electronics corporation appear about lifestyles and contemporary sexual values. Also has Lisa Kudrow being 2:20am to have developed a bit of a homicidal fault. To cover it up they’re killing very un-phoebe in it. Rapier wit and rude humour abound. everything, and everyone who knows about it. Apparently it’s in the same kind of mould had Die Hard, which could mean good things, I doubt it’s even in the Channel 4 | Living In Oblivion | Steve Buschemi & Catherine Keener’s names being at same league as my beloved Die Hard. Oooh, John Glover’s in it 12:55am – the top of this idependant fi lm should be enough to get people who think they 2:25am know about movies to tune in. It’s a low budget independent fi lm about low BBC1 | The Masque Of The Red Death | I know it’s on late, but it’s a horror fi lm budget independent fi lmmaking. Great characters and wit to the back teeth 1:40am – with Vincent Price, and I know that’s not much of an excuse either. Anyway, a pack the fi lm with a fi st full of movie buff in-jokes forced in for good measure. 3:05am Roger Corman directed Hammer horror (I think) adapted from an Edgar Allan Sounds like a treat. Poe story sees Mr. Price as a devil worshipper trying to stop the plague in 12th centaury Italy. It also has Patrick Magee in it Tuesday 2nd March 2004 BBC1 | Carry On Cleo | A Carry On fi lm mocking Elizabeth Taylor’s fi lm of ancient Saturday 28th February 2004 11:25pm – Egypt (I think they stole some of the sets and all) and the days you always Channel 4 | Apocalypse Now | Quality cinema! Most’ve probably heard about Francis 1:00am seemed to have to do projects on in primary school. Puns and Innuendo 10:05pm – Ford Coppola’s really big Vietnam fi lm. And this would appear to be the recent everywhere as the Carry On team get on with doing what they do best. Sid 12:55am ‘Redux’ version, adding 50 minutes to the running time with even more footage. James and Kenneth Williams set about stealing the show as Mark Antony and Playboy playmates in the jungle, surfi ng marines and Marlon Brandon as the big Caesar respectively Colonel Kurtz, whose rebel command Martin Sheen’s been sent to deal with. I think this deserves a quote. “I love the smell of Napalm in the morning” Wednesday 3rd March 2004 BBC2 | Funny Bones | Excellent comedy/drama fi lm starring Oliver Platt & Lee BBC1 | Xchange | Oh Dear. Stephen Baldwin was watchable in the Usual Suspects 12:00am – Evans. Oliver Platt, sick of living in the shadow of his famous comedic dad 11:15pm – and Kyle MacLachlan watchable in Twin Peaks, but when put together in a 2:00am comes to England (Blackpool, by the way) in order to try and buy some 1:05am body swap sci-fi fi esta… Well, it’s not that bad. The action is pretty no existent, comedic material to take back to the states and pass off as his own. In his but there’s lots of chasing. The main problem is the plot’s pretty bad really search for talent he fi nds out about his own father’s thieving past and more. and when you think about it, it makes little sense. When late for a meeting an Contains some great turns by Lee Evans executing his Norman-Wisdom-on- executive has his mind sent to another man’s body so he can attend, only a drugs persona terrorist ends up with his in exchange. My brain hurts. ITV | Hostile Hostages | This would appear to be a very unfair Saturday, 3 fi lms I’d 12:25am – like to watch in one night. Dennis Leary’s acerbic bile spitting sensibilities 2:00am are put into play in this dark comedy. Dennis Leary breaks into a house at Christmas, taking the family hostage only to end up becoming caught up in all the feuds and neuroses of Judy Davis & Kevin Spacey’s “couple from hell” WIN Big Fish PRIZES You read the review of the fi lm a few weeks back (Well you should have read a few weeks back, if you didn’t, why didn’t you?) and now thanks to those fanatical about fi lm type, the Odeon we’ve got some Big Fish goody bags to give away. Big Fish being Tim Burton’s latest fi lm, sort of like The Adventures of Baron Munchausen with a wonderful human touch. Go see it. If you haven’t already. Anyway, all you need to do to receive this bag o’ delights (A Natty looking Big Fish T-shirt, an equally Natty cap, Free Tickets and various other pieces of Cinema-related gubbins) is answer this easy question. Which fi lm did Big Fish director Tim Burton remake back in 2001? See – easy as pie. Now you know the answer, and no one else does, all you need to do is send it with your name, date of birth and address to [email protected] by Tuesday 2nd March at midday.

Whats On Friday 27th - 5th March http://www.open.gov.uk/

FastFlirt© Tickets Results Night, featuring Main Union 9pm-2am £3 before 10:30pm Available from the Shop £5 afterwards Probably Robbie Guests £5 in advance Fri live on stage

Sat Football 12pm Leeds V Liverpool Sun 2pm Bolton V M’boro Phone Booth

International Film Day Mon Main Union all day - See feature ad for details International Comedy Exhibition TuTuee Helyn Rose Bar 8pm Main Union 7:30pm With Leroy Wilson Main Union 9-2am Citruswhat you want Requests, Shouts £2 before 10:30 Wed Dedications £4 after HRB hancellorsC hallenge Its the quiz of the week. Thu Chancellors 8pm

FastFlirt© Tickets Main Union 9pm-2am Gala Night Available from the Shop £2 before 10:30pm £4 afterwards Main Hall Fri Flirt! Guests £5 in advance 7:30pm 12 LITERATURE 26 February 2004

Arvind Virdee takes a look at Kurt Vonnegut’s ‘Difinitive World War Two novel’ and likes what he sees... Literature:LiteraturSlaughterhousee: Five One day Mr. Vonnegut the hardcore pacifi st nuance and vehemence of their homicidal complicated books that can’t have a single angry. But this acceptance has it problems. decided to write the defi nitive World War urges are like a veritable Rorschach test. theme or idea pinned onto it. I suppose an When Billy drives through a black ghetto Two novel. He wanted to portray the truth; However Billy himself seems to barely important one is memory. Both Billy and and ignores the suffering he sees there, we the unfettered, gritty reality behind the have a mind to peer into; he is simply Vonnegut’s memories of Dresden were so see the problem with complete acceptance. jingoistic delusions and patriotic fantasies passive and accepts all the terrible things traumatic that they cannot move beyond Vonnegut values the forgiveness and peace enjoyed alike by the veterans and those that happen to him, to the great annoyance them. It’s mentioned throughout the book that come with acceptance, but his novel who had never seen a battlefi eld. He’d of those who are trying to help him. He quite independently of any fl ashbacks or could not be an “anti-war book” if it called seen war; and he needed to write about has a good reason for joining the Grin- “time shifts”. You never do fi gure out on readers to completely accept their world. war, before the experience became diluted And-Bear-It brigade, mind. In 1969 the anyway if the Tralfamadorians are real In the end, Slaughterhouse Five is one by rationalization, and Kellogg’s Grape Tralfamadorians abduct him, and they tell or fi gments of Billy’s imagination, so of those rare gems that manage to take Nuts and other elements of suburban life. him to. they could be just a manifestation of the bloodily, sordidly real events (fun in POW So he wrote about being abducted by little Yes...he does stuff in 1945 because of inability to move on. And acceptance - one camps) and combine them with esoterically green aliens from the planet Tralfamadore, stuff that happens in 1969. Billy in his own of the book’s most famous lines is “So it odd fl ights of the imagination (living in who resemble animated toilet plungers words is “unstuck in time” because of his goes,” repeated whenever a character dies. alien zoo) and yet still make some kind of and experience all moments of time visit to Tralfamadore. The beings of that Billy Pilgrim seems to embody this idea. sense. As such, it earns the stamp of “Pretty simultaneously. What a guy. planet, as I mentioned before, experience It makes him able to forgive anyone for Cool” from me; surely there is no higher Vonnegut has often been called a science all moments at once. For example the night anything, and he never seems to become accolade. fi ction author; this is probably the most sky to them resembles glowing strings of conservative of his works, dealing largely spaghetti, because they see where every as it does with the very concrete reality of star has already been and everywhere it’s World War Two. It reads in part like such going to go. They know exactly how the a story; the hardships and lunacies of war universe began, and how it will end (they are not skimped on. The man executed for end up destroying it). The problem of free stealing a teapot springs to mind. Central will in all of this is neatly sidestepped by to the chronological narrative is one of a quote from a Tralfamadorian pilot. “I’ve history’s oft-forgotten atrocities - the visited over two dozen inhabited worlds, total destruction of Dresden by Allied and I’d never heard of any such concept bombers in February 1945. Vonnegut as “free will” before I came to Earth.” himself escaped being toasted like the And relevantly, their novels seem beautiful city’s 130,000 inhabitants by waiting out yet unintelligible to Billy because they the fi restorm in a disused slaughterhouse have nothing like a linear plotline; all the (hence the title) along with some of his words are meant to be read at once, coming fellow prisoners of war. And the same thing together to form a harmonious whole. happens to the novel’s protagonist, Billy Slaughterhouse Five comes about as close Pilgrim. as a book written by an Earthling can to this ideal. Billy’s perception of time - and thus the Slaughterhouse Five plotline - leaps about all over the place. He might fall asleep and wake up twenty years is one of those richly earlier; for example he has the good fortune to survive a plane crash in 1967 seemingly complicated books because he segued back to Dresden, 1945, that can’t have a single for a few moments during which the plane was hitting a mountainside in Vermont. As theme or idea pinned a result Billy knows exactly what’s going to happen to him at all moments, which kinda onto it. inclines one to fatalism. Billy’s time leaps allow all the different sections of his story to be told at once, so once you’ve gone Billy Pilgrim is out of place. He is a through the second chapter you’ll know scrawny, dozy chap with no business that he makes it home safe from World War anywhere near a war zone. He nearly kills II, that he becomes an optometrist, that he himself and his comrades numerous times marries for money and his wife ends up whilst wandering behind the German lines dying. But none of this seems to detract during the Battle of the Bulge, before from the book, because you’ll still be kindly getting them all taken prisoner. curious as the details and as each individual Billy’s bumbling is often a handy device story unfolds you’ll be uncovering details which provides a window into the minds of and strands that do nothing but enhance the the other characters; they do all tend to end experience. up wishing he was dead, but the variegated Slaughterhouse Five is one of those richly 26 February 2004 THEATRE 13 surreytheatre G u i l d f o r d & W o k i n g Straying from the boundaries of Guildford and Woking, theatre editor Daisy Clay headed to Hammersmith to see Age-Sex-Location, a hilarious portrayal of when real life meets virtual reality

seeking it. His advice to Trevor, so that he version of their child so they can make can understand women, is to dress as one all their mistakes when it doesn’t matter. – advice which Trevor follows. Unfortunately for the audience however, RoseThorn is a wheel-chair bound paralysed from the neck down and initially The character of Rachel is largely this meant the addition of two small dominatrix... Jack once starred in a only able to communicate in the freetopia undeveloped in the fi rst act, being ‘the children to the cast. The fi rst, a girl of 1980s American TV show... Dave is a chat rooms by blowing into a microphone one who can’t stop crying’ and we don’t around 7 years old, acted very little with programmer... Gus lives on an abandoned in patterns to form words. Then with Dave’s know why. Putting herself on web-cam for only small hand gestures to accompany her oil rig... Rachel can’t stop crying... creation of a voice recognition programme, all the freetopia community to see many voice that was spoken by Gus, speaking MiniMouse loves Dave and Trevor is Rose is able to speak and unleash her pent- theories are formed as to why she cries. only a few lines for herself. Nevertheless, I struggling to accept the size of his penis... up sexually explicit passion. MinnieMouse The storyline for this character became found I could cope with this lack of acting. But who are they on the internet? (Amber Agar) is American, with an accent interesting when she seeks the help of It was the second child, a boy of about 10 Upon entering the auditorium, where that is quick to become irritating. However, God, through the medium of the internet, years old, who gave wild over-exaggerated there no actual ‘stage’, rather there was her character worked well as the person at VoiceOfGod.org! True to form, however, body and facial gestures, as he leapt about an acting space in front of the seating, who feels at ease when online but when we were soon met with the error message the stage with StreetMonk, so much so the audience were faced with fi ve empty describing her real-life persona, Melissa, that “Voice of God dot org has crashed”. that at times I couldn’t bear to look. I think chairs spread out across the fl oor. Knowing we almost imagine an entirely different The fi nal character is that of Gus, who perhaps this was an intended feature of that this was a play about chat rooms, it socially incapable and easily embarrassed lives on an abandoned oil rig, which the play – either that, or someone couldn’t was clear that these chairs were where person. Feeling so comfortable in freetopia, becomes host to the expanding freetopia. bring themselves to have a word with the each character would sit in front of their she falls in love with Dave, but thankfully Gus represents the scary and unknown side child about his “acting”. computers. Besides the empty chairs, there not in the clichéd cyberspace way. This of the internet, where people can pretend to Overall, this play was thoroughly was little else in terms of set, besides a then highlights Dave’s reluctance at be someone else – whereby he pretends to refreshing and enjoyable. As with any small desk in front of the central chair. The expressing his emotions, which he hides be a lesbian woman to form a relationship good play, there was a contrasting mixture inner drama student in me immediately between a mask of technical language with Trevor (who is also pretending to be a of emotion, with moments of almost realised that all this open space must and freetopia terminology. For comical woman by this point). unbearable grief and moments of absolute be there for a reason – a metaphor for relief, of which A-S-L contains a great deal, The second act to A-S-L was almost side-splitting hilarity. This play is showing cyberspace according to the programme. Trevor (Ewen MacIntosh, a.k.a. Keith from like an entirely different play, although at the Riverside Studios in Hammersmith The cast then enter, each moving to sit The Offi ce) is honest and vulnerable, and the two halves came together nicely at until 28th February, with tickets priced at in their chair, and then one character is has a complex about the size of his penis – the end. Exploring the many possibilities only £10. Hammersmith is easily reached brought on in a wheelchair. During the and it is not an over-abundance of manhood of the internet, freetopia becomes host to by train and tube, and for more information fi rst act, the characters take it in turns that is the problem. Trevor’s wife has just many new sites, including CharlottesWeb, visit www.aslplay.com. to interact, and spotlights on one or two left him after having numerous affairs where parents can create a simulated characters at a time show the audience which she openly informed him of, and he where to look. There is one thing that links turns to freetopia to fi nd companionship. all these characters together – the internet Perhaps, becoming the willing cyber- Showing from Monday 1 - Saturday 6 Ma based world of freetopia.com, which begins slave to dominatrix Rose was not quite the rch at the New Victoria Theatre, Woking; as a chat room but soon evolves into much, companionship he had in mind. The West End’s celebration of Britain’s much more. Freetopia was created by Dave As freetopia expands, it becomes host to greatest comedy double act Morecambe (Ed Stoppard), who we assume from his the website of StreetMonk, an 80s TV show and Wise. ‘The audiences wept with clothing – ragged grey tracksuit bottoms, (something akin to The Avengers). McGill, laughter’ (The Observer), ‘You leave the a t-shirt and dressing grown – rarely, if the former star of StreetMonk and a now theatre fl oating on a cloud of happiness’ ever, ventures out of his fl at. RoseThorn somewhat unconventional Buddist runs the (Daily Telegraph), ‘A tear-inducingly (Katherine Jakeways) is wheelchair bound, website, offering spiritual advice to anyone funny show’ (The Guardian). Tickets start at just £10. Following sell-out triumphant runs in London’s West End, The Play What I Wrote returns to Woking. Kenneth Brannagh directed this multi award-winning piece. You see, Ben has written a play, an epic set in the French Revolution called ‘A Tight Squeeze for the Scarlet Pimple’. Joe, on the other hand, wants them to continue with their double act. He believes that if they perform a tribute to Morecambe and Wise, Ben’s confi dence will be restored and the double act will go on. The Play What I Wrote opened in London, where every single review was a rave, every show a sell-out and where it won every major theatre award. 14 MUSIC 26 February 2004

LEMAR ANOTHER DAY Sony JAMELIA THANK YOU Rising urban music star Lemar Infected releases his new single Another Day through Sony Records. After the massive success of Having recently won an award at her comeback single ‘Superstar’, singlesit was always going to be diffi cult BLONDE to decide which type of track to REDHEAD release – another dance fl oor fi ller or a smulchy ballad? Well she’s the ELEPHANT WOMAN Brits 4AD gone for the latter, although the subject matter is different to the things just keep Blonde Redhead are an usual Valentines-day type, with Jamelia tackling the problem of getting better American three piece purveying for Lemar, and domestic violence. This aside, 50 CENT ZERO 7 in shimmer-y jangle-y this single looks set to the track is not awful, although IF I CAN’T Home orchestration with vocals which receive much airplay and sound a bit like Dido, the sort perhaps not to my taste. If you Shady Records Ultimate Dilemma like her other songs, there’s a will more than likely do very of thing that screams coffee well. The song itself is a ballad good chance this will fl oat More of the same catchy music Predictable though it may seem, table classic at loud volume. about him having done something your boat too, and the from pop’s most lovable gangsta. Zero 7’s delicate instrumentation The highly inoffensive sounds wrong and trying to get his girl cd came with a nice Rolling pianos provided courtesy and plinky synths cannot fail to drift easily into the background back, which is hardly uncommon photograph of of Dr. Dre lace 50’s lazy vocals, evoke the sweeping soundscapes and I forgot what the song was place but why change something her some I’m and off key singing on the chorus. of Air – and with interest in the like right after hearing it. The that works? p.w. title track sounds like the theme happy! m.f I’m bored already, but then again, latter rekindled by the release song to a TV show I also can’t I was bored at ‘In Da Club’. If you of their warmly received Walkie remember. Technically profi cient like buying in to the image, then Talkie album, Z7 have a ready- but strangely ignorable. n.b. pick this up, you suckers. c.d. made audience for their own distinctly earth-bound safari. Tina Dico’s soothing yet forward ALOUD vocals and the intense brass BOB O’LEAN arrangements in Home’s climax Open lend it an endearingly organic fl avour, but also make for a Hailing from across the Channel (explaining the inexplicable title), less involving and evolving Cyril Bodin and Greg Louis have captured the attention of Pete Tong, proposition than their Gallic Seb Fontaine and even Norman Cook with Bob O’Lean. So what’s counterparts’ most fi nely crafted so special about their self-styled ‘Parisian phunk’? Not much, as far moments. j.d. as my untrained ears can discern – the funk is defi nitely there, but the individuality isn’t. At least the remixes fare slightly better, with Armand Van Helden’s beat-laden reinterpretation recognising its strong disco JTWR leanings and Serge Santiago’s reverberating staccato dub proving the PUT YOUR HANDS UP antithesis of the original’s heavily produced smoothness. j.d. Drop Out Club

JTWR are a rap cartel with a NORAH JONES THE MARS VOLTA kind of rock-pop DJ sound, sort Sunrise TELEVATORS of like the Streets meets the Blue Note Universal Island Neptunes only heavier and far ARCHIE BRONSON OUTFIT WHIRLWIND HEAT more juvenile. The immaturity KANGAROO HEART PINK When Come Away With Me This band may be know for also stretches to the lyrics, ‘Put Domino XL Recordings became such a huge success it their aggressive and very Your Hands Up’ doesn’t sound proved that the music world had powerful sound that mixes heavy too socially conscious, although For a band with such a The Michigan 3-piece release their room, and a large stage, for artists psychedelic punk, acid jazz there are numerous mentions cool name, I was expecting new single Pink, which is a new who are more than marketing, infused rock with unmistakable of them being the ‘youth of the great things for this single. version of a song that is on the great hair and shock tactics. Here screaming vocals. However don’t nation’ with some profanity Unfortunately the tune fails to album and popular live. Recorded Miss Jones proves it again with expect that kind of immensity added in for effect. The B-side’s live up to the bands moniker, on tour in New Zealand this song a beautiful song, showing off her from this track. This is about well more likeable, ‘Pop Idle’ with although its not really bad. appears to be some amalgamation sultry voice and jazz style piano thought out guitars and haunting it’s obvious yet humorous Drawing on infl uences, such as of indie rock and punk attitude, playing. This is a summer’s day echo’s brought into perspective agenda of mockery. ‘Sonic Youth’, A.B.O’ at least resulting in an interesting with rolling clouds and that slight by the sad and expressive singer. n.b. have their hearts in the right song. The one issue is that breeze, the kind of day that makes There may be less insanity heard place, however they are unable it does just sound like summer special. d.m. here but certainly no less passion. to pull of their grand idea to the the band messing d.m. full effect. There’s not much about during I can say that is bad about this rehearsals. high tempo fusion of rock and p.w. folk (yes – folk!), however there’s also not too much to get the pulse rate going either. m.f

these pages were brought to you by: peter wigfield, neil boulton, matt fisher, dina mystris, jon allen, stuart badcock and matt badcock with design by ickle sarah 26 February 2004 MUSIC 15 Reviewer Profile Each week, we will be running a JASON feature where our reviewers will SPARKS tell all about their musical tastes. HERO AND VILLAINS This week, Jon Allen kicks us Botchet&Scarper off with his selections. The breakbeat scene has Five albums I can’t live forged a truly progressive artist LASTDAYSOFAPRIL without album courtesy of Jason Sparks If You Loose It Mew – Frengers immaculate Hero and Villains LP. Bad Taste Records albums Great heavy pop-guitar hooks This is not a collection of fl oor fi llers but and thunderous drumming rather a journey of intelligent sound scapes. Swedish garage rockers, Last supporting awesome falsetto He’s pushing his own, taking on the breakbeat Days of April offer a timeless called, but it’s got Heaven is a vocals sound and with truly affective results. In places mix of laidback guitar rock and Half Pipe on it. No, please don’t British Sea Power – The Decline its breathtaking as Don’t I Feel illustrates featuring catchy melodies welcoming ask. of… vocals by Pauline Taylor over funky drums. Single release spring. Not really fi nding their Unique nature-loving quirky with Rachel Modist “secret place” highlights the splendour of stride, If You Loose It soft rock Who I would send away to live garage-rock sounds Sparks creates as a highlight of Hero and Villains. The vibe is nothing unique, but with on a deserted island, never to Turin Brakes – The Optimist LP tracks fl ow into each other nicely which is a treat in comparison to its innocent charm just about pulls be heard of again Beautifully simplistic folk-based Break Beat predecessors. Sparks keeps reminding you that this is a it off no better illustrated than in Kelly Osbourne guitar creations break Beat album after all with the quaint Been Here All Time. Brendan Benson – Lapalco nasty bass lines, crisp chunky beats as on the well crafted hero’s while Led by lush guitar melodies Tears First gig I went to Singer/songwriter with an ability Feeling Invincible just builds and builds with twisted bass sounds. So On Hold culminates in a strong Rachel Stamp @ Tunbridge to produce outrageously happy if your CD collection is calling for something new to fi t in between mix of blurred vocals and sweetly Wells Forum guitar pop your Moby, Chemical brothers and Orbital do yourself a favour buy delivered lyrics. The Last Days Of Feeder – Polythene hero’s and villains now. s.b. April can attract loose comparisons Best gig I have ever been to Grungier debut album, but to a Scandinavian Grandaddy, but Radiohead @ Earls Court more downbeat. Forth album If still shows their great ear for a melody You Lose It is typically inoffensive My tip for 2004 but never gets going, much Eastern Lane – Spiky, Pixies- Last album I bought promise but never really delivers. esque agit-rock m.b. The Von Bondies – Pawn Shoppe Heart ‘Rock star’ I would most like to be Album that I should have Didz Hammond – The Cooper ILL EASE thrown out, but haven’t Temple Clause’s bassist The Exorcist OPM – Can’t remember what it’s Too Pure

The Exorcist defi es preconceptions; looking at the title you could easily believe it was something far more dark and gothic. The truth is different of course, the sound is sort of like P.J. Harvey doing that lo-fi fuzzy light rock thing that’s all the rage at the moment. VARIOUS ARTISTS For Ill Ease is the work of one Decade: Ten Years Of Fierce Panda woman multi-instrumentalist Fierce Panda Elizabeth Sharp, who bored with drumming for various indie-types A celebratory compilation charts ten years of one of the most in the 90s decided she’d rather do groundbreaking record labels in the UK, Fierce Panda boasting early it all herself. Commendably she releases from some of counties hottest bands. In chronological order plays all the instruments (Guitar / the compilation takes in twenty tracks from Ash’s 1994 super rare Bass / Drums / Keyboard, dispel Punkboy to new kids on the block Keane with 2003’s truly fantastic the in-head images of the one- This Is The Last Time showing their exceptional talent prompting man-band) on the album creating their move to Island/Interscope records. Offering a chance for up alight easy-going summery sound - and coming bands to release to the main stream Fierce Panda have American highway kinda music been the platform that has seen more than one career rocket into – Melodic without being the public domain. Two of the fastest selling records in the labels wishy-washy about it. Not history came from the Music’s brooding Take The Long Road And really my kind of thing, Walk It and Embrace’s All You Good Good People offering a unique but those interested chance to hear the original before their smooth, up marked studio re- could take a peek at releases providing a charming display at their rawest. The undoubted www.illease.com. highlight has a story of its own, just hours away from signing n.b. Coldplay before heavyweights, Polydor stepped in, Fierce Panda can only think of what could have been but can still boast releasing Coldplay’s debut single the excellent and ultra rare Brothers&Sisters. This fantastic compilation refl ects a label, a decade, celebrating the wonderful talent that has passed through the doors offering a treasure trove for any hard core music fan. m.b. 16 INTERACTIVE 26 February 2004 A-MAZE-ING b pub quiz We’ve all played the get out of the maze game, so I’m sure you know the score. Start in the f middle, and fi nd your way out, or vice versa if you feel so inclined! There are only three Who recorded the following albums: bareafcts left until Easter, so get your ideas for the Interactive Page in to Ben Berryman at [email protected]. 1Revolver/Rubber Soul/Abbey Road By Ben Berryman Insecticide/In2 Utero/Nevermind 3Pet Sounds/Smiley Smile/Sunfl owerower Automatic4 For The People/Out Of Time/NewTime/New Adventures In Hi-Fi The5 Dark Side Of The Moon/WMoon/Wishish YouYou WereWere Here/The WWallall 6The Joshua TTree/Achtungree/Achtung Baby/The UnforUnforgettablegettable Fire Rumours/Mirror/Behind7 The Mask What’sWhat’8s Going On/Here, My Dear/Let’sDear/Let’s Get It On Experience/Music9 For The Jilted Generation/The Fat Of The Land A10 Night At The Opera/Made In Heaven/News Of The WWorldorld

Answers are at the bottom of the page opposite - no cheating!

Got any ideas for the Interactive Page of barefacts? Well, get them in to [email protected] as soon as humanly possible, and we will endeavour to turn your dreams into reality. [email protected] Word Search Ben’s Riddle James Bond Quiz In this special week where you decide the people who will be responsible for representing you in the Students’ Union RevisitedRevisited for the next year, Ben Berryman brings you an elections Corner A big sorry to the hoards of people calling for my head special wordsearch. We’ve made it easy for you this time as after the James Bond answers were incorrectly entered last the words you are looking for are under the grid itself! week, here are the correct ones: I am strongest when you see me as round, 1. “I thought Christmas only came once a year” – The E M S C W E S P L N but I am often viewed in other forms. D M E O E L T V E O World is Not Enough 2. “I’m now aiming precisely at your groin. So speak now U B I M L E N O C I I lift & drop the sea with my tremendous or forever hold your peace” – The Man with the Golden C E T M F C E T T T strength, and a man with a name like Gun A T E U A T D E U A ‘powerful bicep’ was the first to tread on me. 3. “This never happened to the other fellow” – On her T A I N R I I M R T Majesty’s Secret Service What am I? I U C I E O S Z E N 4. “They’ll print any thing these days” – Tomorrow Never Dies O D O C R N E A T E 5. “James Bond, stiff assed Brit” – Goldeneye N A S A U S R F H S I am slim and tall, 6. “Well there isn’t a 70 year old around when you need U R N T T T P F E E Many find me desirable and appealing. one” – Moonraker S G J I L R N A A R They touch me and I give a false good 7. “Are you looking for shells?” “No, I’m just looking” S T G O U O A I T P feeling. – Dr No U S K N C P K R R E 8. “We have an old saying too Georgi and you’re full of it” Once I shine in splendor, – The Living Daylights O O Y S H S V S E R But only once and then no more. 9. “Do you expect me to talk?” – Goldfi nger Z P Y R A R B I L B For many I am “to die for”. 10. “Him? He still thinks I’m a virgin” “Yes, well, you get words: Communications, Education, Welfare, Elections, your clothes on and I’ll buy you an ice cream” – For Your Lecture Theatre, Library, Postgraduate, Affairs, President, What am I? Eyes Only Representation, Societies, Culture, Sports, Ussu, Vote 26 February 2004 LIFESTYLE 17

Sabbatical Officers Ickle Sarah and Funkyberry give a random slice of life from their humble dwellings within Surrey Court Wey, Battersea Court Tate, and the University of Surrey Students’ Union... This week I am mostly … learning that the meaning of life can be found in an arrangement of colourful shapes, an excursion to the GU2, IN CASE you hadn’t noticed (which, to MY DAYS ARE so busy that it hardly seems countryside, or even an alcoholic beverage or twelve! be honest, you probably have!) is now into like a few hours have passed when I get the its second fantastic week of broadcasting on call from Sarah saying “Have you done RC From time to time, my dad and I get together for a bit of father- FM (107.3FM to be precise). In my opinion, yet? The paper is almost ready to send!”. daughter bonding. We take turns to choose the activity, and unless one of the jewels in its crown, so to speak, But this week I am making a real effort to there’s considerable resistance from the other party the decision is is the absolutely amazing ‘Sketch Show’, get Rawson’s Creek written earlier than made. Over the past few years, we’ve acquainted ourselves with broadcast on Tuesdays at around 4pm on usual, and have so far yet to receive any call Art Deco, marvelled at Matisse, pondered Picasso and gawped at Jay and Petchy’s ‘drivetime’ show. or email. Goya. Making sense of some of the Tate Modern offerings proved troublesome, though the LAST week, on the day of its fi rst ever I’M not that into fashion, but I do have to fact that we once managed to interpret three air-conditioning vents embedded in the fl oor broadcast, I was sitting in my offi ce, say that girls wearing “slouch boots” and on the basis of a framed description that actually applied to the monolithic bronze structure toddling through barefacts whilst talking denim skirts look so cool! I used to go to behind us, is proof enough that modern art is, and always will be, what you make of it. to fellow sabbaticals Claire and Chris, and jazz gigs, theatre and concerts in London, Which in my case, as a Fruitcake with an overactive imagination [unwittingly encouraged suddenly I heard the words “ickle sarah and there would be these really quite posh early on in life by my mother who used to set me the task of writing stories using words vice president communications” coming girls there wearing ugg/slouch boots, and as disconnected as “shingles”, “foliage” and “millipede” in a desperate attempt to keep me out of my computer speakers (listening on the denim skirts… and although they looked quiet], means the possibilities for artistic analysis are endless. I have to admit I struggled www.gu2.co.uk - amazing)! This in itself very cool, I just didn’t see them that often. rather with a sequence of photos depicting the subject’s genitalia replaced with chicken wasn’t too unusual, as every so often I get However, over the last few months every carcasses but give me a blue canvas with a single yellow stripe and I could puzzle over it a shout out or dedication - normally when girl it seems in Guildford is wearing them! for hours. And probably still be none the wiser. something by Delta Goodrem comes on, So rather than telling each person I see that I Some of our day-tripping adventures have been more culturally-enriching than others, as her album is my ‘CD of the moment’ think they look cool, I’ll kill a fl ock of birds but that’s a risk we’re willing to take. I mean, let’s be honest, leaving the South London in the Media Centre. But the ickle sarah with one grenade, and tell them all how cool ghetto we call home is an exciting enough prospect… anything we might learn from the mention was swiftly followed by something they all look here! I just have to fi nd one of experience is just an added bonus. In fact the tradition started with a visit to a wine-tasting containing the word “chris”, and our ears them to go out with before it goes out of museum near London Bridge - I can’t recommend it highly enough [unless you’re teetotal began to prick up. fashion! I guess]. A reasonable entry fee secures you half a dozen glasses of wine - or in our case a AND slowly it became to apparent to us I quite like doing random things, and on dozen since we developed a sneaky method of sharing our tokens – and of course there’s that we were being (rather impressively) Sunday night I was able to try something also a lot of detailed information on different grape-growing regions and methods of imitated on the radio, in what became random that would drive most people production. Quite frankly though, if you’re not going to remember the actual events of apparent was a comedy sketch called ‘The crazy – although the effect was somewhat the day in any case, is there any point pretending to absorb these superfl uous details as Sabbaticals’. Now, this is no half hearted different. To start with I loaded up www.bad well? Much better speed round the tasting stations and get testing your newly-acquired attempt at a few in-jokes or digs at the Union gerbadgerbadger.com and played this very knowledge in the trendy wine bar strategically situated next-door I say. Not that I want to - it’s absolutely genius. I am convinced that loud over the stereo in my offi ce (for those encourage such reckless behaviour by any means, so consider this tactic accompanied by the writers/actors must have been stalking us without the Internet, imagine an animated a mild health warning – fellow commuters won’t necessary respond well to you snoring for months, because their impressions of the group of badgers jumping up and down, and drooling on the train home at three in the afternoon, mildly sweating Chardonnay from majority of the sabb team were absolutely with a dancy beat and a deep male voice just every pore, lips stained black by a 1985 Chianti. Or so I imagine. spot on! From Chris’ fake high voiced “He’s saying badger badger badger bager over It’s my dad’s turn to choose next time but I’m kind of in a pickle. See, having put my foot not here!” when people asked for ‘Deputy and over and over again) . After about 35 down and refused to spend a day admiring a collection of postcards picturing Butlins from Returning Offi cer Scott Farmer’ (everyone minutes of this I was getting the feeling that 1960 to the present day, I now have remarkably less ground to stand on when it comes seemed to have their positions tagged onto I needed something else. to demonstrating my reluctance to cycle 38 miles between Shalford and Shoreham. I’m their names every time they were mentioned AT this point I then loaded holding out for another global-warming-induced freak snowstorm, or maybe even a well- in the show) to Chops’ “yup” or “right” to www.seizurerobots.com in a webpage over researched study proving that bike rides between places whose names begin with the same everything, it was all absolutely perfect. the top of badgerbadgerbadger.com. Now letter of the alphabet can be linked with quicker mental deterioration in old age. In the THE story was also pure comedy - take fi ve seizure robots also has a rather annoying meantime though, excuses on a postcard please. sabbatical offi cers, put them in the broken tune, but this time the animation is a the library lift, and wait for the consequences. image of robots being fl ipped back and Catherine Lee The consequences were, in fact, a lot of very forth, with a fl ashing background using funny references to motions, vice-deputy bright oranges, yellows, greens, etc. returning offi cers, lobbying the library with MOST people can only deal with a few exec in a Union minibus... all on the “Quest minutes of badgerbadgerbadger without to stop the rising tuition fees” (said, of wanting to throw the computer out the Lyrics Quiz course, in Chris’ obligatory ‘high voice’). nearest air-lock, but after 3 hours of non- QUITE simply, the Sketch Show was the stop brain trashing with these two sites on funniest thing I have ever heard on GU2... my screen I was actually on a total high This week’s lyrics quiz is brought to you courtesy of interactive wiz Ben Berryman - same and probably the whole of radio, so a – singing along at the top of my voice, and as usual: figure out the name of the band and artist who said the following lines... huge thankyou and well done to everyone bouncing around my offi ce! Sadly that night - it’d been a tough week, and you made I didn’t dream about badgers, and instead 1. “This is torture - this is pain - it feels like I’m gonna go insane” me wander around the Union with an inane dreamt about sailing across the Atlantic 2. “Now what’s cooler than bein’ cool?” grin on my face for at least a few hours! No in a 25ft yacht… but that’s another story 3. “Since your dad walked out, your mom could use a guy like me” change there then....! completely!

‘ickle sarah butterworth chris ‘funkyberry’ hunter 4. “Your mother warned you there’d be days like these”

6.Around the garden, 7.Little Miss muffet, 8.Baa Baa Blacksheep, 9.Old Mother Hubbard, 10.I’m the king of the castle the of king the 10.I’m Hubbard, Mother 9.Old Blacksheep, Baa 8.Baa muffet, Miss 7.Little garden, the 6.Around 5. “Gee wheeze baby please, let me take you to an island of the sweet cool breeze”

8.Dogs, 9.Gum, 10.Wagons | 1.Cock Robin, 2.Georgie Porgie, 3.Ding dong bell, 4.The Wheels on the bus, 5.Pat a cake, cake, a 5.Pat bus, the on Wheels 4.The bell, dong 3.Ding Porgie, 2.Georgie Robin, 1.Cock | 10.Wagons 9.Gum, 8.Dogs,

1.Fourteen, 2.Dum-Dum, 3.Kookaburra, 4.Take a drink of alcohol, 5.Harrold Bishop, 6.Lloyds TSB, 7.Mozzart, 7.Mozzart, TSB, 6.Lloyds Bishop, 5.Harrold alcohol, of drink a 4.Take 3.Kookaburra, 2.Dum-Dum, 1.Fourteen, 6. “He’s got a daughter he calls Easter, she was born on a Tuesday night”

Pub Quiz: Quiz: Pub | with write to easier considerably and sword, the than mightier is pen The quiz: Jumbled | Dies Never

5.The Living Daylights, 6.Dr No, 7.Goldeneye, 8.For Your Eyes Only, 9.The Man with the Golden Gun, 10.Tomorrow 10.Tomorrow Gun, Golden the with Man 9.The Only, Eyes Your 8.For 7.Goldeneye, No, 6.Dr Daylights, Living 5.The 7. “Oh Deborah, do you recall? Your house was very small”

1.On her Majesty’s Secret Service, 2.Goldfi nger, 3.Moonraker, 4.The World is Not Enough, Enough, Not is World 4.The 3.Moonraker, nger, 2.Goldfi Service, Secret Majesty’s her 1.On quiz: Quote

the race. | | race. the 8. “So they came into the outway, it was Sunday - what a black day” fi nal ten meters will belong to the faster of the two. Since Mick is faster than John, he will win the fi nal 10 meters and and meters 10 nal fi the win will he John, than faster is Mick Since two. the of faster the to belong will meters ten nal fi

Therefore, the the Therefore,

started ten meters back. By the time John reaches the 90 meter mark, Mick will have caught up to him. him. to up caught have will Mick mark, meter 90 the reaches John time the By back. meters ten started 9. “We’ll start over again, grow ourselves new skin.”

John will lose again. In the second race, Mick Mick race, second the In again. lose will John | free. him set to had king mean the So one. blue the be to assumed was

picked up the other marble and showed everyone. The marble was black, and since the other marble was swallowed, it it swallowed, was marble other the since and black, was marble The everyone. showed and marble other the up picked 10. “And when we hear the voices sing, the book of love will open up and let us in”

The prisoner grabbed one of the marbles from the jar and concealed it in his hand. He then swallowed it, and and it, swallowed then He hand. his in it concealed and jar the from marbles the of one grabbed prisoner The Riddles: 18 LIFESTYLE 26 February 2004 the silly - Barefacts Personals - You know the drill - send an email with the subject line ‘personals’ to [email protected] and as if by magic they’ll appear in the next issue of bareafcts. If you#re sending in more than one, pop them in the same email, Stars will you? Cheers! by Psychic Sandy Go Paintbrush! “The Sometimes are invading, be afraid... be very afraid...” Libra Aries Chunks you should feed the poor lad if he’s that Boring, boring, This weekend, you’ll hungary! Igloo igloo igloo igloo! boring…life’s been a fi nd another one who’s tad – yes you guessed it just dying to get into anyone got any goggles I can wear to play Cullen RAY’S MADNESS | PURE SEX COMING OUT OF at squash? Oh yeah shin pads, mouth guard, YOUR SOUNDSYSTEM | SUNDAYS 11AM - 1PM | – boring this week. Take your favour, so take full shoulder pads and a scrum cap might also be GU2 1350AM OR MW | NOW ON 107.3FM | OR up a new hobby. I gather advantage and you may useful! LISTEN LIVE ON WWW.GU2.CO.UK paragliding is a popular one. Or perhaps fi nd yourself with a new sugar daddy… a spot of riding? Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake watch out for your curtains by the way Great sandwiches dudes and the pain au Great fi rst match Flash x x chocolate were fab too x bakers man…etc. Get rid of the scissors. – don’t tell me, you’re the only one who Never fear, Captain Eveready and Loose Woman didn’t know they’re transparent. Thanks Big John and Manakin for a great training will save the day! Scorpio session, muchly appreciated guys Howdy! Well, the honte Taurus A formal apology to Chunks and Unlucky, I Thanks Loose for looking after me so well when promise to lay off you guys from now on x x x of Friday night’s in your You’ve found yourself I’ve come to visit, it’s been great world! Misbehavin’ isn’t lacking in inspiration Cullen why are you single? the word! Alcoholic lately, but it should all Kebab, I hope you’re ankle’s better! More ice?! doesn’t even begin come together in the Thanks guys for giving my cousin a great night think that squash ball did more damage than you out, I think we scared him real good! x x to describe it! Sit on the roof this week, next few days. Watch a thought!... lanky, hunchbacked and geekish is not especially if you live in Slag Hill… It may bit of Bargain Hunt and you’ll realise that attractive! loose + alan forever! Since the plane’s leaving on Friday I guess there be cold, but it’s cool. As will you be.... things are never as shoddy as they seem. can’t be any more ‘fi nal’ matches, so thank you “ive had no valentines day cards! give me a guys for all the great matches and socials, you’re rubber man!’ all the best and I’ll miss you loads! love always, Sagittarius Gemini Bok xxx P.S. See you freshers in September! There’s only a few I think its time you what’s that on your neck? weeks to go, so make chilled a bit on the Well done Kenney, hope #10 won’t always be as the most of it! Pancake vodka front…its Hey Unlucky can you let Chunks get to bed at a damaging reasonable time on Mondays and Thursdays so day was lots of fun not been doing you she can get up for breakfast fi tness, thanks. Well it wasn’t great, but it was better than – perhaps a new theme any favours lately – nothing at all is in order to liven things up a bit? You’ve particularly last Wednesday night. All good Josie and Tom sitting in Wells-3, K.I.S.S.I.N.G. Nice had your eye on that special someone for though, ‘cos you made up for it on Friday! one you two, you look so sweet together x Oli, my oli. I love you so much. I hope you win the elections. But if not you will always be the a while now, and its about time you made Speaking of which, this Friday, it looks like Great to have Sez back on the team next week we president of my heart. xxxxxxxxx your move. things could take an interesting turn... WILL kick butt! Skippy wait till the photos come out!! Capricorn Cancer Who exactly drank us egg chasers under the table???? Skidoo, why are you now after Mullet men in Those random A weekend away shorts? encounters with the beckons in the near ‘Look will you just get in those toilets and get milkman have got to future, so make the most your shorts off! Just do it, trust me you’ll love it. Have you still got those stockings on? stop! You’re beginning of it. However, you may It will make all the difference!’ Keep it in the club hey boys! Staying sober doesn’t stop some people from to acquire yourself a fi nd you miss out on throwing up in the morning! delightful reputation. Stop wearing out some fun, so make up for it when you get Angie did we break you? Have you found all the your welcome and start going to school. back… how’s Monday sound to you? A trip pieces yet? Ems just where exactely did you go in Warwick? You will discover the greatness that is the up to Cinderella-fi nd-a-fella’s could be in 2 crates for the price of 1.. 10am Sunday morning! Pob masterbates over women.... but only when take-away this week. Fortunate, what with the pipeline - sparkle baby, sparkle! Result! they are asleep!! the fact that you’re a terrible cook. Leo Satan loves you guys too but Im guessing Cullens Soggy Biscuit? Depends what biscuit it is. Aquarius Hurry up and sort out in trouble again, do you want more tour fi nes? Be Hobnobs! nice x x Late-night taxi rides and the house-hunting – The Fox from Robin Hood, Lady from Lady and an interesting inability some of us are getting a I did say I didn’t wanna go to the union, you guys the Tramp and Nala from the Lion King, and the to recall exactly what little impatient! Genius! are just bullies and you say Im evil!! mouse from American Tale. I’m sorry Funhouse it was you told the Its all about getting a which Disney character is the hottest?! Hey scrumpy I think you made up on the dancing bouncer will hold you in job for you at the moment, but try not to front this week. Mullet was allowed to pay 5p to feel just the good stead this week… On a serious note, lose sight of other priorities in your life corner of the bag!! get your head down soon and the resulting – your hamster might start to get jealous. Kebab nice shimmy even on one leg rewards will multiply tenfold. Green is great on Thursday. I’m not wrong - just 3 or 4 times a day!! BULLSH*T!! PRINCESS 28 - MOULET 8 Pisces Virgo ....so, if Eveready was alone in your bed.....whose Pro-activity is what it’s Bring on Saturday! bed were you in? When I bought 2 pints, I was scared I was going to all about for you this have to neck a pint You are going to have i know it’s old, but gotta ask.....did Unlucky just So I necked one anyway week! So bring on the lotsa fun and frolics. get lucky? new, and scarily loud Unfortunately not in the B we love you! Piscean… A full-on sea as it’s a bit chilly on Whose sh*t? beard is just what you need to get noticed We’re collecting for the RSPCA, if you don’t the old willy, in case you hadn’t noticed… Plans to take over the world are underway.... contribute by pulling me, Skippy will kick a cat on this week – particularly if you happen to be loving good old chezza. Blonde is a good his way home!!!” a laydee. Dye it pink if you really want to look for you – you might wanna check your just want to say hi to all the nipple-loving ensure that people still know you’re a girl. refl ection in your cereal spoon though! boohbahs out there! i love you all! love jingbah Trouble... you make me smile! xxx Apologies to those of you who realised Psychic Sandy appeared to be in a bit of I am the one and only! “Hunny, I Know I keep saying it, but I’m really not a psychic rut last week - put the words ‘barefacts’ ‘media centre’ ‘computer’ and gay!” The Dream Team 03-04 - i love you all! xxxxx ‘crash’ in the same sentence and it goes some way towards explianing it - sorry! 26 February 2004 SPORT 19 Rugby Victory Challenge Chops: Cheerleading

BY PETER INNES BY DAVID ‘CHOPS’ CHAPMAN Instead of going straight to a standing position, I was left crouching at shoulder height and only after a moment to Playing a side two divisions above our own, with over half Surprisingly I did think twice about accepting a stabilise myself and pluck up a bit of courage, was I able the starting line-up out injured and a reshuffl ed pack, you Cheerleading Challenge. I’m sure I don’t need to say that to slowly get into a standing position. The second attempt, would have thought it reasonable to say that the boys were this wasn’t because I had any objections to getting physical complete with pose for the camera, was equally shakey, but not completely optimistic about beating Roe Hampton. with a bunch of girls. My reservations lay in the fact that I I got slowly. Nevertheless it was this underdog mentality that has stood don’t dance, I’m not particularly vocal and my upper body The second part was equally disconcerting. I can probably the rugby side well this season, and showed just how far strength isn’t my, well, strong point. count the number of times I have been on the dance fl oor this side has come. After only managing six tries the whole Fortunately, I got away with minimal dancing, no in the union on my fi ngers. I don’t like dancing, I’m not of last season and failing to win a match Surrey Rugby has cheering, and I got to be the base (lifting person) for good at it compared to most people, I wasn’t expecting fi nally started to turn that massive potential into results. Not Amanda, who is incredibly small. This is not to say that to be good at compared with people who have already only have we managed to notch up two wins, but in doing the other girls are big, that would both be highly unfair, and some experience of the routine. The routine started off so we have scored over 30 tries and being the closest team possibly even a little dangerous. If you have seen Debra’s ok, but very quickly went down hill when it became more to beating the best side in our league, only loosing by a boyfriend Gary, you will know what I mean. complicated. converted try in the end. Because the club have two training sessions per week, it The humiliation continued with some seriously extreme The game on Wednesday started off badly, with a rushed was agreed that for an accurate taste of Cheerleading, this stretching. Now, although I have been a little slack on warm-up, and then loosing our starting hooker Chris would be a two part challenge. Stunt training on Tuesday stretching recently, I’m not too bad. But compared to Elphick in the fi rst minute to a shoulder injury, it just felt set the ball rolling. all of the girls, I looked like an old man (no need for the like one of those days. However behind a solid pack, again After a quick warm up, a very quick stretch for the few obvious comments). Some of the techniques of stretching led passionately by pack leader Dave ‘Paintbrush’ Glossop, guys there and a more exacting stretch for the girls, we split were very odd. Indeed in a couple of cases you could have and excellent on fi eld organisation by half back pairing Ceri into groups of 4 or 5 and practiced one of the most basic been confused that they were doing something other than Thomas and Kenny, Surrey managed to rally and score fi rst. lifts. This is essentially one person standing on two others stretching. Or that just be the old man in me coming out After a scrappy couple of minutes of play, scrumhalf Ceri hands at shoulder height. After a couple of demonstrations, again Thomas kicked through a grubber chased up and scored. I was talked through the actions I would need to take and After weathering a sustained period of physical attacking was then walked through the early steps. Unfortunately rugby by Roe Hampton, marked especially in the mid-fi eld there is only a limited amount you can do in slow motion by the ferocious tackling of centres Woody and Muncie, before you just have to go for it. In the fi rst run through, Surrey went back on the offensive and after winning a I was considerably slower than Steve, so Amanda ended lineout close the Roe Hampton goal line, Ceri Thomas up with one foot at shoulder height and the other at waist picked up drove over from few yards out. height. She managed to keep her balance and another The second half saw much of the same as Surrey couple of attempts later, I was getting the hang of it. continued to absorb sustained periods of pressure, The next step was to work on the method of getting the especially in the backline, but at the same time completely “fl yer” back down to ground level. This is essentially over powered the Roe Hampton pack, particularly in the achieved by dropping them, and the two bases plus the rear line outs where fresher lock Rob Webber dominated. In spotter, catching them. Funnily enough, it is surprisingly the end this forward dominance resulted in Surrey’s third hard to drop someone, as the two base’s have to coordinate score of the game, and surprise surprise who scored, but their timing. The rear spotter also helps with the catching, Ceri, after taking a quick penalty beating two defenders and so there are four people all in all trying to work together. diving over. As I had to fi nish early and we wanted to get a photo In the end, a passionate and gritty performance by the or two, we decided that I would have a quick attempt at team was the major contributing factor, and I challenge “fl ying.” For the fi rst time in Challenge Chops, my light anyone who thinks there good enough to come and try and build came in handy, as the two guys acting as my base’s make one of Surrey’s rugby sides on a Sunday afternoon or didn’t have to support too much weight. I’m not going to Tuesday evening up at Varsity. try claiming that I was anywhere near profi cient. I wasn’t.

FEDERAL SPORTS DAY RESULTS FOOTBALL TEAMS WANTED SURREY ROEHAMPTON FOR SIX-A-SIDE LEAGUE Mens Basketball 1st 37 32 Womens Basketball 1st 76 67 STARTING SOON

Mens Football 1st 0 2 Mens Football 2nd 0 3 Azzurri Sports & Leisure have places available for Mens Football 3rd 1 2 teams wishing to play in local weekly competitive Womens Foorball 1st 4 1 leagues, juniors, seniors and girls at Winston Mens Hockey 1st 6 2 Womens Hockey 1st 5 1 Churchill Sports Centre Astroturf, St Johns.

Womens Netball 1st Womens Netball 2nd WEEKEND AND WEEKDAY LEAUGUES STARTING APRIL 1ST 2004

Mens Rugby 1st 17 10 Womens Rugby 1st Download a registration form from the website: WWW.AZZURRISPORTSLEISURE.CO.UK 20 SPORT 26 February 2004 teamsurrey Federal Victory For Surrey BY DAVID CHAPMAN

The third and fi nal Federal Sports Day was held on Wednesday 18th February. For those of you unfamiliar with this event, it is essentially University of Surrey Vs University of Surrey Roehampton. Football, Hockey, Netball and Rugby games took place at the Varsity Centre with Basketball at UniSPORT. This year’s event was the last Federal Sports day due to the University of Surrey Roehampton severing its links with the University of Surrey from the next academic year. Last year, Surrey achieved a decisive victory, an impressive improvement over the previous years draw. Overall across the three years, Roehampton needed the win this year in order to equal Surrey. But we were not going to let them get away with that. Although the victory was not quite as impressive as last year, we came away with a safe 7 – 5 repeat of last year’s success. Two wins and a draw is a considerable achievement for a “non sporting University.” teamsurrey has done itself proud and we have truly earned the right to call ourselves the Undisputed Federal Champions of all time. I would like to express my thanks to everyone who helped out on the day to ensure it all ran as smoothly as it did. For the full list of match results and a Mens Rugby match report please see the inside page - Colours Ball 04 - S ANDOWN PARK R ACECOURSE | F RIDAY 30 TH A PRIL Three Course Meal, Wine, Live Band, DJ, Vodka Luge, Casino, and Many More Entertainments Launch Party: Thursday Week 7 in the HRB F OR M ORE I NFORMATION VISIT : WWW. COLOURSBALL . INFO 1 Event - 2000 Students BY STAVROS SACHINIS having a laugh to near Olympic level. If you aren’t up for all the ‘serious’ competition stuff then Yes it is that time of year again, the time when some poor the holiday is a perfect way to chill out with your mates on unfortunate ski resort is subject to two insane weeks of one the piste under the warm Easter sun, learn how to ski or of the biggest parties in Europe at the British Universities snowboard, perfect those turns or even learn some tricks Snowsports Championships (BUSC) 2004. in “the best snow-park this side of the pond”. The best This year from 20/03/04 - 03/04/04 BUSC will be heading thing is that you’ll meet a load of new people from other to Les Deux Alpes, France “the Las Vegas of the Alps” universities and experience the unique BUSC nightlife and for an action packed schedule of ski and snowboarding festival atmosphere. Needless to say, our very own Ski competition, a top line up of bands and DJ’s and obviously & Snowboard Club will be sending its fi nest ‘athletes’ to an immense amount of drinking! Competition varies from compete/party but we’d love it if everyone else from the traditional events such as slalom and GS to freestyle events university joined us for a holiday you’ll never forget. like Big Air, Half Pipe and Ultra-X which is a relay race, Come to our BUSC04: Launch Party, Saturday 28th where teams of skiers and boarders unite to take on a course February, 9:00pm – 2:00am in the HRB, the theme will comprised of banked turns, jumps and rollers all at Mach 10. be in the form of a Beach Party, with limbo competitions, Oh yeah, and contact is allowed! Everyone is welcome to fl avoured vodka shots and loads of prizes. Visit compete and the standard ranges from beginners and people www.surreysnowsports.com for more info. The Sports Show on GU2 Thursdays 1-4| With TUG Campus phone: 811350 | Ex: 01483 681350 Email / MSN: [email protected]