A Publication of the NASAP Family Education Section Winter 2009 Book Review Who Owns The Problem: by Jan Thomas, EdD Parent or Child? Honey, I Wrecked the Kids: When by Bill Corbett, author of the parenting class “Love, Limits, and Lessons,” and the founder Yelling, Screaming, Threats, Bribes, Time-outs, Sticker Charts and and president of Cooperative Kids. Removing Privileges All Don’t Work by Alyson Schäfer. Published by Wiley, 2009. Picture this scene… a child walks into the room where the parent is and viii+247 pp. Paperback $16.95 exclaims, “I’m bored!” with full exasperation. After a few moments with no response, the child repeats the phrase a bit louder. (You may have We Adlerians are phenomenolo- never experienced this before so you might have to imagine this scene.) I gists – that is, we all experience offer this scenario to the parents in my parenting class and ask the ques- things in our own unique way. tion, “Who’s problem is it that the child is bored?” Amazingly, most I have to admit that, for me, answer “it’s the child’s problem” with a sense of confidence in their voice. reading Alyson Schafer’s Honey, But when I ask the group what they might say in response if their child I Wrecked the Kids was a little made this statement, many reveal that they would offer their child op- frustrating. Don’t get me wrong, tions or make suggestions of because it’s a fantastic, delight- things for them to do. This, in ful book, and I can recommend it essence, is the parent solving a without reservation to every par- child’s problem and not appro- ent and parent educator. You just priate at all. have to read this book. But still, with my own private logic, there Member Memo All problems have owners. were times I felt frustrated. When a parent takes ownership continues on page Nominate A New Co-Chair! of problems the child owns, It’s almost time for Patti to the parent teaches the child “retire.” Parenting Teens With QTips that they are not capable and the child grows more needy Dear Addy... Offer to serve as Co-Chair, or and dependent on the adult. nominate someone else. Guest author is Mary Hughes, past FES The child may even grow Co-Chair, Certified Positive Discipline more demanding if the adult Associate and Lead Trainer; Enrich-Abil- See page 5 and form on back doesn’t continue to do things ities, inc.; [email protected] page. for the child when they want them done. Not sure what Dear Addy, it looks like? Just watch any I can’t believe it! My 15 year episode of the reality television old, who used to love to go to continues on page his grandparents’ house just announced, “I’m not going to Also in this issue Grandma’s with you this week- end. I’m done with that, and Your Co-Chairs Report...... Page 2 you can’t make me go.” I felt SO Also, Adlerian Wisdom, how to reach us disrespected – I never thought Alex would talk like that to me, Interesting Commentary...... Pages 5, 8 let alone refuse to go to his grand- from Cheryl Erwin and Frank Walton parents. His words just stabbed me in the heart. I let him stay Convention...... Page 10 home this time, but not before I Meet us for the height of Adlerian camaraderie started crying and yelling at him stuff like “How can you do that to continues on page North American Society of Adlerian Psychology...International Adlerian Leadership Since 1952 FAMILY! Winter 2009
FE Section Co-Chairs Report... Adlerian Wisdom: Dreikursisms Dear Family Education Section Members, • The fundamental desire of every human being is to belong, to have status in the Spring has sprung in my area of the U.S. and with it comes the usual group of which he is a part. changes of color and increased sunlight. We can look forward to some changes in the Family Education Section as well. (I can hear the groans • A child needs encouragement like a plant across North America at that clumsy segue.) My term as Co-Chair of the needs water. Section comes to an end at the annual meeting in Tucson, Arizona. Terry Lowe will continue in the other Co-Chair position for another two years. • A bruised knee will mend; bruised We are hoping that you will consider stepping up to run for the seat I courage may last a lifetime. vacate. • You should never feel sorry for a child. Elect A New Co-Chair To do so gives him justification to feel The Co-Chair position does not require a lot of time. You will attend two sorry for himself, and no one is as unhappy meetings—the Council of Respresentatives meeting in Hershey in October as someone who feels sorry for himself. and the annual conference. You will participate in the writing of three to --Rudolf Dreikurs four newsletters per year. Finally, you will plan and Co-Chair the Family Education Section meeting at the annual conference. The best part of the job is getting to know the other officers you will work with and the How to reach us members of the Section. If you are interested in the position or you know Family Education Section Co-Chairs of a good candidate within our ranks, be sure to read the Job Description Patti Cancellier, M.P.H. on page 10 which describes the requirements of the position. Of course, 6307 Huntover Lane you should feel free to contact Terry or me with your questions. Rockville MD 20852 email
A highlight of the Tucson conference will be the Heinz and Rowena Ansbacher Lecture given by Drs. Gary and Joyce McKay. Gary and Joyce are major contributors to the field of Adlerian family education. They have NASAP co-authored Calming the Family Storm, Raising Respectful Children in www.alfredadler.org a Rude World, and several books in the internationally known parenting • education program, Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (STEP). phone 717.579.8795 They will be speaking on The Power of Encouragement. fax 717.533.8616 I hope to see you in Tucson! ■ email [email protected] • Warm wishes from your Co-Chair, 614 Old W Chocolate Av Patti Cancellier, along with Terry Lowe Hershey PA 17033
Family Education Section of the North American Society of Adlerian Psychology/NASAP FAMILY! Winter 2009
Book Review...continued from Page 1 The premise of the title, Honey, I ous examples convince beyond For one thing, Alyson’s ability to wrecked the kids!, is that we, as any doubt why punishment is keep the writing lively by injecting parents, have tried so many tech- ineffective, whether dispensed by her own personal stories can be a niques, from so many “experts”, “yelling, screaming, threats, bribes, little embarrassing. I had taken the that we have evolved our children time-outs, sticker charts, or remov- book along to a doctor’s appoint- to become “discipline resistant,” ing privileges.” She replaces the ment and found myself the center in much the same way that over- malpractice of punishment with of attention in the waiting room prescription of antibiotics has bred logical consequences, which are when I laughed out loud at Aly- “super bugs” resistant to medicine. recommended by many popular son’s examples of previous “good Alyson provides a way out from “child experts” nowadays, but ideas” that failed to live up to their this malaise with treatment that then takes the next important step promises. Throughout the book, actually works. of showing how, all too often, what humor gets the message through, we think of as “logical conse- and Alyson’s way with words (this To make this treatment individual quences” are actually just punish- is her second book) make for fun (because every family is different), ments in disguise. reading, but be careful if you’re Alyson turns parents into diagnos- reading it in a crowd. ticians, helping them understand What does work then, if punish- and diagnose the purpose of their ment and misapplied logical Another frustration – I’ve been children’s misbehavior. This isn’t consequences don’t? Alyson an Adlerian for four decades, and done in an abstract, general way returns to the Adlerian roots of have taught parenting classes – Alyson not only connects the respect and encouragement to on and off since the beginning. 4 Crucial C’s to the four goals of recommend joint problem solv- That means I’m older than many misbehavior, helping the reader to ing, and provides a plethora of parents, so I found the print just a thoroughly understand the child’s examples of why this works and little smaller than I wanted it to be. purpose for misbehaving, but then how to accomplish it. To extend she goes on to devote an entire her medical metaphor, using joint Worse, it was frustrating for me, as chapter to each of the four goals, problem solving allows the child’s a parent educator, to find so many replete with examples and great own creativity to attack the mis- great ideas that I want to incor- advice on what to do and what not behavior problem, just as a child’s porate into my next class. This to do in each case. own immune system can attack an book will definitely be the text for infection. This not only solves the my next parenting group, and the Alyson uses a dance metaphor to misbehavior problem, but also in- parents will benefit a great deal, clarify how children choose to mis- oculates the family against evolv- but for me it means revising my behave. The key insight is that for ing a discipline-resistant child. lecture notes, reordering presen- each of the four goals, the dance is tations, and keying in new over- not a solo act by the child but a pas Another high point of the book heads. Frustrating! de deux, with the parents acting as was Alyson’s chapter on family dance partners in full support of meetings. In my early days as an Seriously, though, Alyson has hit each footstep. Alyson’s book helps Adlerian parent wannabe, I tried the ball out of the park with this parents quiet the music, get out out family meetings on my two new book. Her personal Adlerian of the dance, and stop the child’s adolescent sons, with disastrous résumé includes not only parents need to misbehave. results. Alyson’s comprehensive who led parenting classes in her description uses a three-stage ap- living room while she was grow- This realization is not discourag- proach, and will undoubtedly al- ing up, but also grandparents who ing, either. While Alyson acknowl- low families to have more satisfy- were active in NASAP after being edges that parents have made ing experiences with the process. inspired by Rudolf Dreikurs’ lec- errors in the past, she continu- tures. She draws from the brilliant ally reassures them that they can One last frustration: Honey, I work of such well known names as change as they learn new tech- Wrecked the Kids is the owner’s Dr. Betty Lou Bettner and Dr. Rich- niques – things will work out! manual that all parents should ard Royal Kopp, but even when receive when they bring their first Alyson states the same parenting The book has too many strong baby home from the hospital. principles and techniques that Ad- points to mention in a brief review Where was mine? n lerians have known for years, she (another frustration!), but a couple says them in a fresh new way. demand attention. Alyson’s Dr. Janet Thomas, who resides in Boise, coverage of power struggles in the Idaho, is a longtime contributing member family is eye opening. Her copi- of NASAP’s Family Education Section. NASAP...International Adlerian Leadership Since 1952 FAMILY! Winter 2009
Who Owns Problem...cont from Page 1 difficult to let go and build capable the root cause of their problem show Nanny 911. A four-year-old children. is and help them come up with a demands that his mother put on solution without doing it for them. his socks so he can go out to play. One day when my children were If the children are bored, ask them, The nanny coaches the mother to school aged, I decided that I was “what do you think you could do stop doing too much for her child tired of getting phone calls at my on your own so that you would so the mother tells the child he can office from them, announcing that feel busy?” If they respond by say- do it himself. He then proceeds they had left a school project or ing “I don’t know,” say to them, to throw a fit and falls on the floor their lunch money at home. I told “make believe you know.” Gran- in an uncontrollable rage. The them that I would no longer run ting them permission to use their mother can’t stand the noise and things to school they had forgot- imagination sometimes works commotion and breaks down to ten, and that starting immedi- wonders. put the socks on for him. ately, it was their responsibility to remember things on their own. All Offer To Help If Appropriate Back in my parenting class I take three accepted this new change Finally, once they have come up the participants through a little until one day when my middle with a solution to their problem, exercise called “Guess Who Owns child left her school project on the offer to help, and don’t do it for the Problem.” The parents are dining room table and called me at them. If they brought you a minor presented with a list of simple my office. She begged me to bring boo-boo to see and they come up situations and have to guess who it to school “just this once,” and with the solution of a bandage, owns each of the problems pre- she promised to remember from offer to open the package but let sented. The one that causes the now on. I choked up and felt my them put it on. The more often greatest challenge is the one that eyes well up with tears as I stood you allow your child to solve their reads: ‘the child throws a fit in firm against her pleas to fetch her own problems, the more capable the grocery store; whose problem project, and wished her a good they become. We must commit to is it?’ Conversation triggered by rest of the day. From that day helping our children develop their this question reveals that parents forward she learned to remember problem solving skills. We are not want to stop the tantrum because for herself. always going to be around to do it ■ it may bring attention to them or it for them. may disturb other customers. The The next time your child expresses bottom line is that the fit belongs frustration or emotion in response to Bill Corbett has three grown children, two grandchildren, and lives with his wife to the child and some tantrums oc- a problem they own, I suggest you use this simple, 3-step response. Elizabeth near Hartford, Connecticut. cur purposely to get the parent to Send him your questions via email to come and stop them. Tell Them What You See [email protected]. Identifying and turning a problem When approached by your child over to the child can be a tough and having determined that she change for some parents. They owns the problem she is presen- want to make things all better, take ting, use your best parent detective action so things will go smoothly, skills to determine what emotion or fix things because it helps them she is feeling at the moment. Then feel wanted and valuable. But the tell her what you see by saying, sooner an adult stops solving a “It looks like you’re sad,” or “It child’s problems, the sooner the looks like you’re disappointed.” child learns to become accountable This simple step begins to help the and more capable. In my class, I child accept that the feelings she emphasize the fact that we were is experiencing are normal and ac- each individually made to carry ceptable. For younger children, this only our own burdens. When we step is crucial for them to learn how take on the burdens (problems) to identify what they are feeling. of another, it overburdens us Ask Them What They Can Do To and weakens the individual the Solve Their Problem problem belongs to. This concept Sometimes all it takes is to coach is often understood more easily by them to solve their problems. fathers. Mothers find it incredibly Listen closely to determine what
Family Education Section of the North American Society of Adlerian Psychology/NASAP FAMILY! Winter 2009
Cheryl Erwin on Discipline Nominate A New Co-Chair! What Is Appropriate Discipline, Anyway? by Cheryl L. Erwin, MA, MFT When we gather at the Annual Meeting in Tucson, members will I’m going to send John Rosemond a fruit basket one of these days. For finalize a vote conducted via those of you who don’t know, Rosemond is a parenting expert who tends newsletter (this one) and email, for to take a hard line when it comes to discipline. His column runs regularly a new Co-Chair. in the Reno Gazette-Journal and I always find his opinions interesting— even when I don’t agree. Take the column that ran on Sunday, December Ideally, the Section will be served 14th, for example. Rosemond shares a story from the Scottsbluff, Ne- by a new Co-Chair from the USA, braska, Star-Herald, which apparently featured a photograph of two boys, since continuing Co-Chair Terry ages 12 and 15, standing on the sidewalk in the cold outside a Dollar Gen- Lowe is from Canada. This is eral store and wearing bright orange placards reading “My name is XXX. a tradition of the Section, not a I was caught shoplifting at Dollar General. I will never shoplift again. requirement. Stealing and lying is WRONG.” The boys also had to write a letter of apol- ogy to the store and were deprived of the use of any and all electronics for Nominate yourself if you are in- a month. Both said they had learned a lesson and that they wouldn’t steal tersted in serving! Don’t be shy!!! again because you “get in big trouble.” As “retiring” Co-Chair Patti Can- This punishment was not handed down by a judge, but by the boys’ father cellier points out in her message, – and Rosemond was absolutely gleeful that these boys had not been this is a wonderful opportunity to coddled or rescued from the consequences of their crime spree by their meet some terrific people who care dad, who obviously, according to Rosemond, knows the difference be- as much as you do about Adlerian tween being his sons’ friend and being their father. parent education. Don’t think you’re too young or too old. Just You won’t be surprised to learn that I have a few thoughts on this subject think “contribution.” – although perhaps not the thoughts you might expect. I agree with Rose- mond that too many parents try to be their children’s pals, pampering and Use this form to let us know you’re rescuing them in an effort to bolster their self-esteem or win their love. interested in being nominated. Parents need to be parents, which sometimes isn’t much fun. But I don’t agree that public humiliation is the only right way to teach a valuable The election will take place by mail lesson about honesty. In fact, the very idea of shaming two youngsters and finalized at the Family Educa- in public in this way is painful to me, and I can’t conceive of an occasion tion Section Meeting in Tucson on where this sort of “discipline” would be helpful. To say this sort of public Friday, June 26. humiliation is “inappropriate” is a gross understatement.
It’s worth noting, by the way, that most children lie and steal at some point in their lives. I did, too; I once stole a tin of hard candies from the grocery store when I was hanging out after middle school with the popular kids. But I got only halfway home with my ill-gotten loot before my conscience kicked in – not to mention the thought of my dad’s reac- tion should he learn of my pilfering. So I returned to the store and put the candy back on the shelf. I was obviously not cut out for a life of crime.
The story of the two placard-wearing boys reminded me of a former cli- ent who, at age 11, also stole from a store. He, too, had to return the item, apologize to the store manager, and have a conversation with the police. But in his case, the consequence was ineffective; by his mid-teens, he was dealing marijuana and was extremely skilled at evading the law. Would it See further information and a have been different if he had been forced to stand outside the store wear- “form” printed on the last page of ing a placard? this issue. Stealing isn’t the issue here, by the way; everyone agrees that stealing Participate! ■ is wrong and that kids need to learn honesty and responsibility. The big concludes on page NASAP...International Adlerian Leadership Since 1952 FAMILY! Winter 2009
Dear Addy...continued from page that empower your teen toward the plague: Feelings are like road me? You know this is something become a contributing member signs, giving us a window to the we do as a family … .” I made an of society. Tools based on mutual heart. I’ll bet Alex knows that the excuse to my parents about how respect, cooperation, power ‘with’ visits to grandparents are impor- busy Alex was, but what do I do rather than ‘over’, and democracy are tant to you, and he may be trying next month when we go to my real power tools for the teen years. to hide behind the brick wall of an- parents again? ger. Learning to understand that You can learn what you want to say anger is normal can help you focus All my friends say I should force “no” to, how to express and honor on how you can use the energy him to go. After all, they say, “YOU your own limits, how to listen with- of the emotion without losing it’s ARE THE PARENT! ACT LIKE out fixing or judging, how to ask value for teaching! Rather than re- ONE!” I don’t want to get into for help, how to give up manipula- act to the angry outburst, listen to World War II over family, but Alex tion and guilt (two tools many par- it and say something like, “Sounds is becoming such a curmudgeon ents look to when handling similar as though you resent the family’s when it comes to doing things situations as your own!) decision to visit your grandparents with family, and family-time is re- once a month. Please talk with me ally important to his Dad and me. 1. Decide what you will do: re- about this; I am ready to listen.” And worse yet...what do I tell his fuse to dance the ‘mischief shuffle’ Or talk at another time if you are grandparents the next time? and let your son own his decision. feeling less confident with deal- --Taking This Personally Without revenge or a punishing ing with Alex at the time. A short attitude on your part, find a way ‘time-away,’ with the promise of Dear Taking It Personally, so your son has power to make settling the issue later on, can help Being the parent of a teen is hard his decision respectfully without you both cultivate an attitude of co- work! With so much at stake in a disrespecting you. One way you operation rather than ‘entitlement.’ situation like this, it can be hard could handle this is to say, “If you (“Let’s talk about your decision to remember that parenting is a don’t want to go to your grandma when we’re both more calm. When long-term relationship, rather than and grandpa’s house, I’m not will- could you take the time later today a short-term power struggle! It’s ing to explain this to them. That to do that, Alex? Would it work for also a difficult time for many par- will be between you and them, us to talk around 7:00pm?”) ents who forget that a large part and I have faith that you will find of the teen years are spent find- a respectful way to let them know 4. Share what you are feeling ing a way OUT of the family nest! about this new decision.” and wanting without expecting When teens start individuating it your teenager to give you want can look an awful lot like rebellion. 2. Be aware of your fear of what you want! At a time when leaving It sounds as though you’re ready to your parents might think: You may for your parents isn’t eminent, try Quit Taking It Personally(Q-TIP). be afraid that your teen’s decision talking very calmly to your son will affect the relationship between about how you feel about his deci- Your son’s announcement is ‘proof you and your parents. You could sion. “I wasn’t prepared for you positive’ that he has entered the wait until your teen lets your par- to decide not to go to Mom’s and great race toward leaving home. ents know about his decision and Dad’s. That has been something And that’s what parents really then take time to let your parents we’ve all really enjoyed together. want to have happen too; but know that your son is trying out I’m going to miss you. Even sometimes the road to adulthood his wings before he leaves the though I’m disappointed in your takes a few rough passes and comfort of your nest. Assuring decision, I respect the fact that you bumps. So, now that you know your parents not to “take it person- are growing up and have other im- Alex’s behavior is totally normal, ally” will really help them to see portant things right now that take how can you work with him, in- that this is about Alex’s need to up a lot of your time and energy.” stead of against him? grow up rather than a reflection of how he feels about them. Know- 5. Be aware of the ghosts of your Instead of a major power struggle, ing this isn’t a permanent stage of own unresolved teen issues. They you can learn how to Q-TIP. First development is sure to help them may be haunting you: By any realize that you can’t make him find other ways they can keep the chance, was ‘Going to Grandma’s DO or SAY anything – in reality relationship open. House’ an expectation for you you never could, even when he when you were a teenager? Do you was a little boy. You can, however, 3. Anger or power struggles may remember going through a time decide to restock your parenting be so unpleasant for you that you when you hated this lovely family tool box with actions and words try to avoid those feelings like continues on page Family Education Section of the North American Society of Adlerian Psychology/NASAP FAMILY! Winter 2009
Dear Addy...continued from page 6 type of questions. Curiosity Ques- work things through. tradition and really wanted to say tions that begin with “What, How, something but you didn’t because When,“etc. help a teenager explore Here’s how that sounds: “I can you didn’t want to appear “self- a situation without condemnation understand you don’t want to visit ish”? Maybe I haven’t guessed on the parent’s part. (If you don’t Gram and Gramps in the nursing correctly what you might be think- feel curious, don’t ask the ques- home. It sure changes the way ing; if there IS a ghost lurking in tions – your nonverbal commu- we interact, and I’m glad you’ve your adult mind’s attic, then take nication or attitude will tell Alex shared how uncomfortable you it on and disclose this to your son: a different story!) This approach are there. It’s important to me and “Alex, I can remember not telling might go something like this: your Dad to have you with us for Mom and Dad how much I hated “Alex, it sounds as though you’d some of our family visits. Would going to see my grandparents EV- like to quit coming with us on our you be willing to go sometimes if ERY darn month once they went family visits to your grandpar- I quit taking for granted that you into the nursing home. I never had ents. Can you share with me some HAVE to go with us?” or “I ap- the courage to stand on my own information about your decision? preciate your sharing how you feel and ask for something different. I What’s bothering you about the about visiting grandma and grand- just realized I was listening to my visits?“ pa. I know how hard it is to work old feelings instead of listening to everything into your life right now yours Saturday afternoon.” 7. See if you can resolve the issue with your new job and getting with a “Give and Take.” This is an toward the end of the school year. 6. Look behind his disrespectful effort to jointly solve a problem with It’s still important to me that you words and see what he is telling both of you giving a bit without come with us sometimes. I’d like you about his thoughts and feel- sacrificing all of what is important to for us to work together and make a ings: Alex is navigating the path you both. Approach Alex at a time plan; I’ll stop harping on you to al- toward becoming an adult. Part ways get of that journey is learning from SAS Infant Class in the car his mistakes, without your fixing and come or controlling them. He can learn “Nurturing with Rhymes: with us to make decisions on his own The Parent - Child Program” if I know while taking the consequences of that The Saskatoon Adlerian Society has been offering a class in his own decisions when you stop you’ll the mornings and one evening, from mid-January to mid- taking an announcement like this make it March 2009 and we thought you'd be interested. This free personally! Looking at what the a prior- program is designed for parents/caregivers and their little real message of his behavior is ity some- ones to come together and learn rhymes, songs and stories in telling you will help you figure times. ” a setting that will encourage parents to have fun and bond how Alex is finding belonging and with their young children.
NASAP...International Adlerian Leadership Since 1952 FAMILY! Winter 2009
Erwin on Discipline...cont from page 4 question is how do you teach your child these essential lessons in Frank Walton: Revisit Dreikurs character and accountability? Is it A Call For Broader Applications of Adlerian Theory: necessary to shame and humiliate Rudolf Dreikurs Revisited a child in public? If so, why did the by Francis X. Walton, Ph.D. mere thought of my dad send me scurrying back to the store with Rudolf Dreikurs, or “Dr. D” as he was so fondly referred to by many of my stolen candy? Why did my his students and colleagues, was 71 years of age when I met him. Meeting young client not learn the same Dr. D was clearly one of the more important and formative experiences of lesson when he had to apologize my life. I often have given thanks that he did not retire from professional and deal with the police? work at 65 or 70. Dr. D did some of his most influential work between the years of 70 and his death at age 75, when he might have been living a life The answer is that all children of leisure. Students, colleagues, and other professionals were continually – like all adults – are different. And touched by his ability to turn theory into practice before our eyes, as we despite John Rosemond’s delight watched him help people improve their lives. His enthusiasm for spread- in his “happy ending,” all kids ing the knowledge and use of Adlerian theory and technique was infectious. don’t learn valuable lessons in the same way. This is why parenting is The American Society of Adlerian Psychology (as NASAP was known such a challenge: you have to de- when Dr. D was alive) enjoyed its greatest growth from about 1967 until cide what you want your child to a few years after his death in 1972. It was during these last five years of learn, and then figure out the best his life, while he was retired from practice, that he was most active as a way to teach that particular child teacher and consultant across North American and internationally. I recall these important life lessons. There that for some years after his death many Adlerians had difficulty getting is no such thing as one-size-fits-all through a presentation or demonstration without mentioning his name discipline. several times as in “Dr. D used to say,” or, “Dreikurs often emphasized....” We commonly referred to Dr. Dreikurs more often that we referred to If your child steals something, Adler, although his students and colleagues clearly recognized we were what should you do? Well, that indebted to both these geniuses. depends on the child. For some kids, a serious conversation about It was when our esteemed colleague, the clarifier and purifier ofAdle - theft and its consequences is actu- rian theory, Heinz Ansbacher, finally watched Dreikurs provide a family ally adequate discipline; for others, counseling demonstration, that Ansbacher wrote to Dreikurs how much there needs to be a consequence he enjoyed the experience and how it allowed him “to learn what cannot that pinches a bit to drive home be learned otherwise.” (Terner and Pew, 1978) the lesson. I would love to check in with the Dollar General gang In 1975 Kurt Adler acknowledged, “The main trend today seems to be to- in a few months or years to see ward prevention. Adlerian psychology...has always been in the forefront what they really learned – about in this area. Many years ago in Vienna, Adler adopted the motto ‘teach life, about their dad, and about the teachers’.”... In this country, however, Dreikurs demonstrated that themselves. Because that’s what the parents themselves could be trained, and the tremendous impetus he determines effective discipline, gave...has already made an enormous impact, occupying the major efforts and effective parenting: what are of many Adlerian groups and Societies.” (Terner and Pew, 1978) your children really learning? Are they learning responsibility, com- A point that I wish to emphasize by sharing these thoughts and memo- passion, hard work, honesty, and ries with you is that the very Adlerian theoretical constructs that so many generosity? Or are they learning watched Dr. D use to help change people’s lives, continue to provide that they can and should have ev- the foundation mental health workers need to use more broadly today. erything they want and that rules continues on page were made to be broken? important, know their child well Cheryl Erwin is a marriage and fam- No one can answer these questions enough to understand how she ily therapist in private practice in Reno, Nevada, the co-author with Jane Nelsen for your children except you – not learns, and follow through with kindness and firmness, respect and of several books, and the author of The me, and not even John Rosemond. Everything Parent’s Guide to Raising dignity. ■ At the end of the day, each par- Boys. Cheryl also has a weekly commen- ent needs to decide what is most tary on parenting and family life on her next column, bottom local public radio station. Family Education Section of the North American Society of Adlerian Psychology/NASAP FAMILY! Winter 2009
Walton on Dreikurs...cont from page 8 and Ansbacher, 1956) It is criti- tionally he requested that his staff Occasionally one of us adds an cal to the welfare of young people members be permitted to come to innovative technique, but the that child care administrators and observe the practices in our center. theory is as alive and well in 2009 teachers accept the importance of as it was in 1967. One of the keys their role in helping to increase the Much more recently, after attend- to the continued spread of the level of social interest in pre-school ing a conference on autism, I hap- knowledge and use of Individual children during this time in history pened to leave a book on parenting Psychology is to keep “Dr. D’s” when a very significant portion of autistic children on a restaurant work alive in our minds, to refer to of the role of “mothering” has be- table. Our waitress came hurry- his books, articles, and videotapes, come the responsibility of the child ing to return it to me. She wanted and finally, but very importantly, care provider. to tell me she had a grandson help mental health workers, with autism. She told how dif- parents and teachers learn how to There is no shortage of challenging ficult he was to handle, and that apply our theory and techniques social and psychological problems the family could not even erect a to the emerging problems of our where we can continue to apply, Christmas tree prior to Christmas times. No school of psychologi- or strengthen our applications, day, because the child would have cal thought is better prepared to or create applications of Adle- a terrible temper tantrum if a tree understand and treat the major- rian theory. Earlier I mentioned were erected and there were no ity of children who have been autism, a mental health condition gifts for him. Well friends, I think diagnosed as having the attention for which the diagnostic manual most of us could handle that one. deficit hyperactivity disorder and criteria has been broadened so in I want you to know the book on no school of psychological thought the last half dozen years that most parenting of autistic children that is better prepared to understand children we see today carrying the she returned to me was archaic and treat the burgeoning number diagnosis bear little resemblance by Adlerian standards in so far as of children caught up in the to such children we might treat in the techniques that were recom- pseudo-epidemic of autism. No previous years. Over twenty years mended. It was supposed to be school of psychological thought is ago when the diagnosis was much state of the art, and yet reflected better prepared to provide a frame more narrowly defined, an admin- no thorough understanding of the of reference to help prison inmates istrator for the state psychiatric purposive nature of behavior, the make life enhancing changes while institute in Columbia called our detrimental influence of reward learning the life skills necessary Adlerian Child Centers office to and punishment, or the powerful to function outside of correctional explain that the institute’s outpa- influence of underdeveloped social institutions, no school of psycho- tient program would be closed for interest in such children. Friends, logical thought is better prepared six weeks around Christmas and you and I can help in this area. to provide families with the insight he needed to place an autistic child and techniques to raise responsi- in care for that period. Our center If we are willing to broadly apply ble and cooperative children, and had been recommended and he the powerful guiding principles none is better prepared to provide wished to know if we would take and creative techniques available the framework that will enable the child. We did. The Adlerian to us, collectively we, along with children in our schools to become Child Care Center director asked those with whom we share this more responsible citizens who the teacher and children to treat knowledge, can help provide solu- have truly learned to care about the child as any other in our center, tions to social problems many have fellow human beings inviting him into the full range of thought unsolvable. As Dr. D used activities, applying the same tech- to say “Adlerian psychology is I do not want to under empha- niques we would with others, and fifty years ahead of its time.” Well, size the opportunity available to in addition, to pay no attention to if that was true fifty years ago, introduce Adlerian/Dreikursian his frequently unusual and occa- undoubtedly, this is its time. ■ principles and techniques in pre- sionally bizarre behavior. When school education. It is always the boy returned to the psychiatric References worth repeating how Adler re- institute, the director of the Child Ansbacher, H., and Ansbacher, R. (1956). The Individual Psychology of minded us the most important role Care Center received a phone call Alfred Adler. New York, Harper and of a mother is to spread the interest from the administrator wanting to Row. of a child from the child, to the know what we had done that had mother, to father, to other members brought about such changes that Terner, J. and Pew, W.L. (1978). The of the family, and then out to other the boy no longer met the criteria Courage to be Imperfect. New York, members of society. (Ansbacher for the diagnosis of autism. Addi- Hawthorn Books, Inc.
NASAP...International Adlerian Leadership Since 1952 FAMILY! Winter 2009 Members are invited • oversee the operation of the FES to submit nominations for a newsletter; the mini-newsletter new Co-Chair of the Family page for the July-August NA- Education Section NASAP Board/General Member- ship and the Leadership Council SAP newsletter; and help solicit Resource Page material from the First, find out if the person you • attend the Annual Convention membership list for the July-Au- wish to nominate is willing to and Annual Section Meeting at the gust NASAP newsletter, TNN serve. Are YOU interested? Nomi- Convention nate yourself! • solicit and select programs for • represent the interests of the Sec- the Annual Convention, following Please submit your printed nomi- tion rather than their own individ- the Selection Guidelines outlined nation ballot by May 1, 2009, either ual views on any given topic being in the Section notebook to NASAP Central Office or our addressed by the NASAP Board, Co-Chairs, by email (see page 2) the COR, or the FE Section. • make decisions for the Section so that nominees will have ample business, as needed time to prepare and submit state- • both Co-Chairs attend the two ments to be printed in our next is- annual COR meetings (Fall and • set annual goals for the Section sue of FAMILY! due out before the before Annual Convention); if at- Official Ballot for Family Education convention in June. Thank you! tendance is not possible for a meet- Section Officer Nomination: ing will send either the Secretary- Job Description from our by-laws and traditions Treasurer or Newsletter Editor in her/his place A Co-Chair will: • serve on a NASAP committee • be a full member in good stand- ing of NASAP and the FE Section, • oversee the preparation of an willing to serve as an unpaid of- annual budget and oversee the ficer on the FE Section Leadership creation of the financial reports Council for the Section by each of the COR meetings • be the Section liaison to COR/ Think Warm! Think Tucson! June 25-28 NASAP 2009 Office of Co-Chair, 3 year term commencing at NASAP 09 Convention June, 2009 3 year term commencing at NASAP Office of Co-Chair, Nominate one: Member Signature: Please sign, clip and mail this form to NASAP Av, 614 W Chocolate 17033 Hershey PA or fax to 717-533-8616 May 1, 2009 before NASAP Family Education Section Education NASAP Family Av 614 Old W Chocolate 17033 Hershey PA 717.579.8795 Phone 717.533.8616 Fax www.alfredadler.org
The missionFamily of the NorthEducation American Section Society of ofthe Adlerian North PsychologyAmerican isSociety to promote of Adlerian growth and Psychology/NASAP understanding of Adlerian (Individual) Psychology, the work10 of Alfred Adler, and effective approaches to living based on his philosophy. NASAP membership includes educators, psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, parents, business people, community organizations and other interested people. The Family Education Section applies Adlerian principles to the home. Members are professionals and nonprofessionals dedicated to understanding and improving family relationships between children and adults, with couples, and among individuals.