Tuesday, November 22, 2011 Volume 97, Number 17 pop quiz: Which will fit in a cookie jar - a whale or a cookie? Find the answer in ENTERTAINMENT, 15 To Got a little ith captain in you? HellW Capt. Morgan seeks Director of Campus Life Georgia job. PAGE 6 Online 24/7 at www.thwuga.net Puppy love pains
How did the UGA mascot try to rekindle his love life? PAGE 5
Book burning goes unnoticed Hot dates for dummies Officials discover remains of library Learn more about the hottest dates months after the million-dollar you can take either your cousin or building burned down. your pet dog (or both!) on. PAGE 9 PAGE 13
SOBRIETY TEST, 15 • DATING AD, 19 • SUDOKU (NOW IN 1X1!), 15
To Hell With Georgia is a special issue brought to you annually by the Technique in the spirit of Good Ol’ Fashioned Hate • Established 1911 Tuesday, November 22, 2011 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA 2 • THWUGA: As much Scholarship awarded to Butler about us as them for highest recorded BAC BY THE TECHNIQUE present day Technique came into BY AHMED ADOODIE EDITORIAL BOARD being. It is these roots that we as a Plumbing Intern staff honor when we produce “To If it’s your first year at Tech— Hell With Georgia.” Freshman Early Education or if you are a University of Over the years, the Technique major Joey Butler was selected as Georgia student lucky enough has produced various issues mock- the inaugural recipient of U[sic] to lay eyes on this issue of the ing U[sic]GA’s daily newspaper, GA’s newly established BACchus Technique—welcome to “To Hell The Red and Black, and the con- Scholarship. With Georgia,” a very special edi- stituency it serves. The scholarship, which is tion of the “The South’s Liveliest But it is not the name of the named after the Roman God of College Newspaper.” In the fol- paper or the content within it that Wine, will be awarded any time lowing pages you will find alco- matters most to us; it is the tradi- an undergraduate student can hol, rednecks, farm animals and tion embodied in this issue that successfully break the university’s lots of dawgs. we hold dear—a tradition of in- current Blood Alcohol Concentra- We members of the Technique genuity and creativity that binds tion record. are often asked how the tradition together both the newspaper staff, “You see what we did there, of THWUGA began. Friends say and also the Tech community. right?” said Shawn Ndgus, the that by producing such a “rag,” we While the jokes may tend to be very self-impressed scholarship Tech students merely perpetuate the same, lame or just plain crude, founder and former Board of unfortunate stereotypes—of Ath- we stay dedicated to the fact of Trustees member. “We carefully ens students as drunken rednecks honoring our humble beginnings. worked the letters BAC into the Photo by Super Sniffer / Student Publications and ourselves as geeks with infe- Maintaining high journalis- name of the scholarship.” After receiving eleventy thousand dollars in scholarship to at- riority complexes—that are no tic standards and being the voice The scholarship is unique in tend U[sic]GA, Butler passed out in a drunken state of happiness. longer as true as they once were. of Tech students are the primary that it requires no written appli- The answer to these questions is concerns of the Technique, but cation of any kind and in that it U[sic]GA’s honors program and with me and my friends. It was the same every time; THWUGA through this special issue, we still does not pay for any academic or arriving to Athens early, it became a night unlike any other, I imag- is as much about us as it is about keep alive the moniker of “The institution related fees. Funds can clear to the scholarship’s board ine,” Butler said. I really don’t re- our rivals. South’s Liveliest College News- only be used to cover alcohol re- members that Butler was going to member much about that night, Some 100 years ago, the first paper.” lated medical and legal fees. be a potential applicant. or my time here in Athens, now edition of the Technique published So as you flip through these 20 “We really spotted Joey as “Almost immediately I saw my that I think about it.” on Nov. 17, 1911, was a four-page pages, keep in mind it’s all in good an early candidate for what we BAC scores outpacing my class- In the future Butler intends to paper that focused primarily on humor and meant to make you know will quickly become one of room grades. On my first night continue his “higher” education the upcoming football contest thankful and proud to be a Jacket. this university’s most prestigious out downtown I recorded a .50 by passing the bar exam. Butler with Georgia. It predicted, ar- We hope you enjoy reading it as scholarships,” Bob said. “He’s a BAC,” Butler said. wanted to make clear that he was rogantly and incorrectly, that the much as we enjoyed creating it. prodigy of sorts, like his ability to However, Butler’s big break referring to Coor’s Lights’ new Jackets would triumph over the But do remember: this issue is add two digit numbers together. came later. blue “super cold” stripe, not the Bulldogs. just as much about you, me and He really is just outstanding.” “My record-breaking .67 came more commonly mistaken law From these “modest” roots, the Ma Tech, as it is about U[sic]GA. Upon being accepted into during an all-night study session exam. Tuesday, November 22, 2011 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • 3 U[sic]GA students drop out to work in nearby fields BY BRUTON GASTER a dozen—who knew?” recent drop-out E.E. Ohr. “What Pet Sitter Like many students before gets me bad is the directions from him, Potts found U[sic]GA core my boss—he keeps telling me to Due to a greater drop in GPA classes such as Addition and In- use my brain, but what in John across campus, a growing number troduction to Reading challeng- Deere’s name does that mean?” of U[sic]GA students are aban- ing. He considers his home on the However, the attraction of doning their college educations to range more rewarding than his farm life to U[sic]GA students pursue careers in farm labor. These time spent in one of the two lec- has caused dramatic curriculum students have chosen ranching as ture halls of Athens, despite har- changes. To decrease the drop-out an alternative to the demands of rowing conditions in the country. rate, the university has considered higher education. “The weather’s getting colder canceling unpopular degree pro- “My schedule for this semester this time of year and soon the grams like secondary sciences and showed that I had to take Alge- farm will be covered in ice and elementary mathematics entirely bra I, and once I figured out what snow, but it still beats taking His- and replacing them with a major Algebra was, I knew this wasn’t tory of Chairs back at U[sic]GA. I that would prepare students for the place for me,” said Jack Potts, probably would have had to take it jobs that require tilling the land a former U[sic]GA student cur- pass/fail too,” said Hayden Seek, a and milking cows. rently tending to livestock and farmhand at Old Dog ranch. “Physical education was my crops at the Old Dog ranch. “I’ve Much of the appeal of this ca- favorite subject in school…well, it learned more out here on the farm reer path comes from the fact that was the only subject I didn’t fail, in the past week, like counting absolutely no experience is neces- anyway. But I’ve finally found my farm eggs, than I probably would sary. calling,” said Beau Vine, a U[sic] Photo by Ovaltine Jenkins / Student Publications have learned at U[sic]GA in a year “I’m surprised that I’m using GA student who plans to move Mike Rotch, a former seventh-year lawnmowing major, left col- anyway. Why, there are 14 eggs in my head more these days,” said into farming the spring. lege to pursue a lucrative career in farming and caring for cows. U[sic]GA engineering program tops national rankings BY GHEE BUTTERSNAPS cal utility, creation, and usage in Ben Drynken, a second-year research focuses on hedge bushes. most important to the U[sic]GA Office Plumber Georgia engineering, all of which BPTE major. “At U[sic]GA, we “Not many people know how easy community, and ain’t no one else were ranked number one. invent the future technologies it is for someone to get stuck in a who’s on our level,” said Hugh Ja- U[sic]GA’s newest engineering “I’m not surprised at all,” said that are used in our fields.” hedge these days, but with my de- nus, Dean of Students. majors were ranked top of their Eric Shun, Dean of U[sic]GA Col- The engineering school even gree, I’ll be able to help find new The move also signaled greater respective categories in last week’s lege of Engineering. “The students offers undergraduate opportuni- and better ways to get them out.” motivation for the student body, annual release of the US News managed to open their textbooks ties for students in the fall, spring, The report did not rank the especially since its demotion from and World Rankings. this semester, a breakthrough and summer semesters. new programs in mechanical, the number one party school. These included big truck, trail- achievement that cannot go un- “I got into engineering in or- electrical or civil engineering, due “I’m just glad there’s some- er and tractor engineering; deer recognized.” der to help people,” says Aaron to a lack of enrollment in these re- thing we’re good at,” said Lowe stand construction; beer-pong “It’s incredible to be around White, a fourth-year Football Sta- spective disciplines. Jack, a third-year arts and crafts table engineering (BPTE); and fe- such geniuses all the time,” said dium Gimmick Engineer, whose “We do what we find to be major, ironically.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • 5 University institutes minimum alcohol requirement
BY FELICIA FANCYBOTTOM Adams then noted that the has been universally positive. Bowel Investigator extra revenue generated by this “Finally, the ‘man’ is thinking program will be enough for U[sic] about us common folk,” said Bill Athens has always been known GA to finally afford new Etch-a- Hick, a third-year poultry science to have the highest per capita BAC Sketches for the computer labs. major. “We can get Bud Light in the country, and that number “Plus, we feel that the promise AND Natty Ice! Now that’s fancy is expected to rise following the of alcohol will be an extra incen- livin’!” introduction of a new two-drink tive to go to class for students who Secessionist and turf manager minimum policy by U[sic]GA would have skipped otherwise,” I.P. Freely expressed similar senti- Dean of Liquor Sam Adams. Ad- Adams said. ments, while also stating that he ams’s plan, which went into effect Dr. Frank Grimes, LEGO en- was “getting sick of driving [his] earlier this month, requires stu- gineering professor, fully supports tractor all the way to the store to dents to buy and consume at least this new policy. buy booze.” two alcoholic beverages prior to “I was getting sick of teach- “I can’t even [re]member what entering their classes. ing to the same four students who it was like to go to class sober,” “The move was really a no- would bother to show up to lec- said Ophelia Cox, a seventh-year brainer, much like our students,” ture,” Grimes said. “Their senior undecided major. “In fact, I can’t Adams said. “We figured that if projects were always so dull. I ex- [re]member much at all since the students are going to show up pect them to be much more cre- ‘cause of all the drinkin’.” to class drunk anyway, they might ative with the LEGOs now that She then passed out in her seat Photo by Shutterfly Simmons / Student Publications as well be paying us in the pro- they’ll be all lubed up.” and was no longer available for One student has been barred from class due to the new two-drink cess.” Student reaction to the policy comment. minimum policy, as he had only consumed 1.9 glasses of alcohol. Mascot hospitalized after attempt to find true love BY AL COHOLIC not the school’s beloved mascot. breeding. That our mascot tried that it would be much easier to get mascot. Even so, students held a Drinking Master “Yeah, we like to go out on Fri- to stray from his own blood is too information on this situation than candle-light vigil outside of the day nights and just take a swing ‘forward thinking’,” said Ray Lee, it is when usually trying to gather veterinary hospital as they chant- Russ, the interim mascot after at them dogs,” said Ben Dover, a one of the many fans who has no information and motive from in- ed “THWUga” (Try Healing Uga VIII passed away, was hospi- ninth-year animal husbandry ma- real affiliation to U[sic]GA. toxicated college students. Well U Good Animal) into the talized this week after attempting jor. “It’s just an expression of love “Russ is suffering from what “We think Russ rebelled from early hours of morning. to mate with several of the stone that we have for Uga.” we call a fractured phallus,” said his caretakers, who have always “I feel that my ability to color bulldog statues that habituate the Russ’s owners and many U[sic] Al Kaholic, Dean of the College showed him overwhelming affec- both outside and, sometimes if I downtown Athens sidewalks. GA fans were, in turn, outraged of Veterinary Medicine. “We’ve tion, by literally choosing to try try with all my heart, inside the However, this isn’t the first when they heard the news that only practiced the risky procedure to mate with stone cold bitches,” lines will allow me to perform this time the statues have been phi- Russ was attempting to stray from on students, so it is risky for Russ.” Poole said. surgery well,” said Harry Weiner, landered, as the norm of statutory his inbreeding roots. Dean of the College of Ani- The veterinarians who oper- the lead assistant “surgeon,” who malfeasances occur at the hands “Both the school and our mas- mal Psychology Gene Poole also ated on Russ are expecting a full felt confident that the dog was in of drunken fraternity members - cots have a strong heritage of in- weighed in his opinion, noting and expedient recovery for the good hands.
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www.nique.net Opinions Editor: Sal A. Mander THWUGA “I don’t want to start a process where we’re going around arresting people. But there 6 was urination, there was defecation, there Tuesday, “ were 70 tons of trash. November 22, 2011 Thinkins ” — Michael Adams YOUR VIEWS Letters to the Editor OUR VIEWS Consensus Opinion Piping profits Tractor parking Extra alcohol revenue should go to extra alcohol spaces needed Recently, Georgia residents voted to grain alcohol to faucets and fountains For a school that prides legalize the sale of alcohol on Sundays, around Athens. We know the Board has itself on its strong ties to Write to us: a decision that the Athens community is more than enough money for it (particu- gettin’ its hands mud- [email protected] well-aware and very much in support of. larly with the extra tax revenue from Sun- dy, U[sic]GA certainly We welcome your letters in Liquor store owners are celebrating, gro- day sales), and we’d like to see them use it doesn’t provide enough response to Technique content as well as topics relevant to campus. cery stores are remodeling their beer aisles for the good of their citizenry. space for that dirtiest of We will print letters on a timely and many campus churches are even con- Of course, there will be some resistance and space-available basis. dirty machines: the grand Letters should not exceed 400 sidering adding bottle service to their ser- from the minority of teetotalers on cam- ol’ tractor. words and should be submitted by mons. pus, but really, who cares about them? Be- Sure, they’ve got spots Tuesday at 7 p.m. in order to be But, while these changes are a step in sides, the Board can also put in piping for printed in the following Friday’s for trucks with mudtires, issue. Include your full name, year the right direction, they really just don’t lighter options, (like vodka) to satisfy the (1st, 2nd, etc.) and major. We re- racks for four-wheelers serve the right to edit for style and go far enough. It’s nice that we don’t have Baptists in town. length. Only one submission per to go to Mass anymore to get our crunk It’s a disgrace to our school and our and even entire parking person will be printed per term. lots dedicated to drunk on Sunday mornings, but it’s still far too town that it is so difficult to get the steady hicles that actually work? difficult to get a dose of hair-of-the-dog in buzz required to tolerate life in Athens. drivers, so why isn’t there It’s just a disgrace that Athens after a week night of heavy drink- Even when shortages at the liquor stores somewhere to park my ing. around campus don’t limit students to the beloved 9RT with Com- hard-workin’ folks like It’s for this reason that we propose the scandalously low three bottles per day, the mandView cab? me don’t have room to Liquor Board of Athens reincorporate it- time it takes to walk to the store is intoler- It ain’t like the park my school-supplies. self as a public utility. Other necessities able. Package stores are disturbingly un- university[sic] doesn’t I’ve already been told that like water, heating and natural gas are common in Athens, with students having have the space for it. I I can’t hang my overalls provided all around town, so why can’t to walk an average of three blocks from mean, look at the presi- in the locker room or our booze come that way as well? We pro- their apartments or dorms. It’s high time dent’s lawn! At any given store my hoes in the so- pose the Board lay down piping to deliver Athens did something to change that. time, there at least eight rority houses, so what’s cars up on cinderblocks next? This discrimination The Consensus Opinion reflects the majority opinion of the Editorial Board of the needs to end. Technique, but not necessarily the opinions of individual editors. there, so why not clear those clunkers out and John Deere Fifth-year TURF Technique Editorial Board make more room for ve- Shadow Ofamustash, Staff Fish A. Russky, KGB spy Mickles McFuzzy, Money Man Jin Ger, Red-headed Stepchild Dwee Bull, Office Teddy Bear Annual hoedown Ri Ri Ho Ni, Asian Life Editor Don Draper, Staff Pilot Sway N’kee, Browntourage Mesohani Rongtiem, Lover of Footbaw Phil Mikornhol, Hugger-mugger Play Uh, Dark Brotherhood Listener I lovelacks the social life partners at something with a bit of EDITORIAL CARTOON By Gene Elogist U[sic]GA. As a matter of extra wool to keep you fact, I’ve been on the an- warm at night. nual barn-raising com- For a campus with mittee for four years. such ties to the farm, That said, I’ve been se- I have trouble believ- verely unimpressed with ing they had trouble the annual campus hoe- scrounging together a down for the past few few of our furry friends years. The attendance for the evening. has been severely weight- Is it so much to ask ed toward the hetero- that when I walk into and homonormative, as, a barn, there’s a couple while there have been pretty sheep or horses in plenty of both guys and there to greet me? I cer- gals in attendance, part- tainly don’t think so. ners of a fluffy or fuzzy Next year, our SGA nature have been con- should see to it that the spicuously not. people not lucky enough Don’t get me wrong: to have cute cousins I like “advanced snug- don’t have to go home glin’” with a pretty girl alone. as much as the next guy, Billy Bob but sometimes, you need Fifth-year Animal “Care” Tuesday, November 22, 2011 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • 7 Boozey icon perfect for Campus Life This semester, “We all love rum. We all love ready shown his sup- B Z we’re looking at hir- port for our univer- U Z booty. To lead our campus Around Campus ing a new Director spirit, why not choose a man sity by sponsoring of Drunkeness (a who’s an expert with both?” our Homecoming position previously last month (for de- known as the Direc- Lou Kitthat tails, see our previ- What’s your favorite tor of Campus Life) Staff Moonshine Provider ous articles, “State of iPhone app? and I think I have the Georgia sells out of perfect candidate for tain Morgan, and I mark his territory all Plan B,” and “U[sic] the job. suggest you do too. I over a drunken so- GA students, fac- You know what mean, think about it. rority girl’s leg. Just ulty break record for makes everything We all love rum. We like Uga would want. most arrests in one more fun? Rum. Lots all love booty. To Other candidates night.”) SGA, how- of it. So what I say is, lead our campus spir- could be considered ever, ended his can- cut the middle man it, why not choose a too, but they all have didacy over fears that out! My candidate man who’s an expert qualities that just he was an illegal im- is distinguished. He with both? don’t fit with campus. migrant. Tweak Tweakenson has poise and grace. The Captain even Jack Daniels would So, I hope you’ll all Second-year Fast Food Mgt He’s got phenom- join me in support- “10,000 Farts, Deluxe already has the Uga fit in perfectly with Edition” enal leadership expe- salute down pat. For U[sic]GA’s southern ing this wonderful rience. He’s got great some reason, people roots, but he’s got a Caribbean man as he fashion taste. seem to believe that bit too much of the leads us into a long He’s got a little the Captain’s signa- “high class” south- tenure of black-outs, Cap’n in him. ture leg-in-the-air ernisms in him. Too drunken orgies and That’s right, I move is him putting many mint juleps trips to the emer- think the administra- his leg on a barrel. and southern belles, gency room. U[sic] tion could use a bit Really? Come one not enough shotgun GA has a reputation of Victorian piracy in people, he’s clearly weddings and mud to protect, and the their midst. As such, lifting his leg after a tires, you know? Captain is just the I am throwing my night of hard booz- Then there’s Jose man to help protect support behind Cap- ing, preparing to Cuervo, who’s al- it. Enda Middle Third-year Butterfly Collecting Real housewife makes for real good PR “iPhone Fart Machine” While Athens “Ninety-five percent of is just full of pigs in cannot claim NeNe university relations is just wigs, so coming back Leakes as a born- making other schools look as to Athens will be native, she has called skanky as possible...” good for the soul. our industry-leading While she’s here, hood home for most Peedma Pants her personal life of her childhood and Bladder Control Editor ought to provide a adulthood. great deal of drama And, in light of tions from heart dis- housewife politics, so and entertainment her recent successes ease, diabetes, thy- her time here should for the student popu- on the magic glow- roid inflammation be as beneficial to the lation. I for one cer- Cris P Creme ing box, I am proud and high blood pres- school as it is enter- tainly hope she de- Eighth-year Beer Pong to hear that Mrs. cides to reconnect sure. NeNe will have taining for the stu- “iFart” Leakes will head the to fill in Smith’s siz- dents to watch. with her biological fa- Public Relations De- able shoes and office In particular, ther and rekindle the partment for UGA. chair butt-depres- Leakes’ gossip skills relationship that stole Her unparalleled sion, all tasks she is should more than tabloid covers nation- skills in communica- more than capable of come in handy. wide. I know it didn’t tion, conflict resolu- doing. While Smith Ninety-five percent work out so good last tion and grace make held his position with of university rela- time, but I just have her the immediate poise, dignity and tions is just making a real good feeling and obvious choice gravity, Leakes is cer- other schools look as about it. As they say, for the recently va- tain to add some sass. skanky as possible, the third time (or, in cated position. Hopefully, in her an area in which this case, marriage) is As many of you time at U[sic]GA, the charm. Leakes excels. Dill Weed know, the position Leakes will bor- I for one wish After her tenure Third-year Slacking recently became row from her skills on Real Housewives, Leakes all the best available after John displayed on Real Leakes must be ready here in Athens, and “The Acme Fart Factory” Smith, UGA ‘00 Ex- Housewives of Atlan- to move on to a new hope she helps show ercise Science, passed ta. Public Relations chapter of her life. As the world our famous away after complica- shares so much with we all know, Atlanta U[sic]GA class. Photos by Pik Shur Man Tuesday, November 22, 2011 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA 8 •
OUR VIEWS Hot or Not Library runs out of uncolored – or – coloring books, students panic HOT NOT The University of “Unfortunately, past students Georgia Library in Ath- have colored in every single page, ens, Georgia has unfor- leaving no reason for the students tunately come upon to visit the library anymore. ” hard times. The library, Cray Yawn which has been histori- Registrar Sheep Books cally the best place to get (free!) popular col- oring books, has run the students to visit the torn the page right out, out of uncolored books. library anymore. It’s so getting credit for some Their shelves, which sad to see the faces of other student’s work. are always stocked with students as they come How will we ever be coloring books ranging by, wistfully looking to able to find out which from Elmo and Zoe’s gain more knowledge students got credit for Alphabet (which is a through the books pre- coloring inside the lines phenomenal coloring viously offered in our li- without earning it? Our book, by the way) to brary, only to find that university’s[sic] reputa- the ever popular Dora there were none to be tion is at stake. the Explorer Coloring found. In the meantime, Book, have gone bar- Thankfully, the librarians have rec- ren. university’s[sic] librar- ommended students This is an absolute ians have already taken explore actually read- outrage. These are the action and ordered huge ing books. Seriously? books we use to learn shipments of new color- We didn’t come here Sisters and cousins Sobriety important things like ing books. That said, it’s to read, we came to the alphabet and how just disgraceful that the learn! How are we sup- to color in between the shortage was allowed posed to learn from lines. How can we be in the first place. What reading books? There expected to be ready would have happened if ain’t nothing in them for life after college[sic] a professor had assigned but a bunch of funny without them? coloring a page for squiggles. How are we Unfortunately, past homework? Students supposed to learn from students have colored could have just gone to squiggles? All in all, it in every single page, the library, found the just smacks of librar- leaving no reason for appropriate book and ians passing the buck.
sliver www.nique.net two hundred fifty six thousand nine hundred minutes. how do you measure when graduation’s so near? CULC... y u no have more seats? Where is Buzz? I don’t see him anymore Typewriter guy too... I want lecture crashed Does anyone else not like the “Trippy” song? ALL THE WAY TURNT UP still takes the cake Using a management book as a mousepad, its only real use. tell me to move my car, have ZERO empty spots, make me move it back by 8AM? thank you, parking. Let’s play the nickname game with attaochu. I’ll start: Jeremiah Attacksyu. Can we petition to not be ranked? We play better that way. why is the turnaround time on getting slivers published so long? Thanks to all for not helping me up, esp the guy who came up saying “You should be more careful” - the girl who kissed the pavement outside Klaus Info desk and GSM girl mad that our slivers didn’t make the technique!!!! Making an appointment at STAMPS is confusing, if not impos- sible, when done online. the nique mixed last week’s crossword clues with a new board. thanks guys. Only 1% of the students run the Technique. I am the 99% #oc- cupytechnique community is an amazing show! Is sliver guy actually a guy or a girl? 5$ for an official transcript?? Get so real gatech This is what avoiding work looks like for me. I can’t stand how much you work. I’d give anything for you to be as lazy as you were before we started dating. Slivering about slivering... Meta-slivering as it is. My prof who likes to go on about loyalty just threw me under the bus...for a prospective student Cue the declining GPAs... #damnyoumodernwa rfare3 UNLEASH THE ULTIMATE Wake N’ Bake
Photo by Paige Turner / Books and Things Techrejects.com new site URL BY Ben Dover through the end of the year. sion, thanking the University for Street Pharmaceutical Rep. While currently on schedule, its flexibility and innovation. the switch and accompanying re- “With this switch, we’re going In an effort to attract interest directs have proven to be a chal- to be attracting some of the third- in its fledging engineering pro- lenge for the Technology Office. best minds in the state. Our next gram, the university[sic] has an- “We were having difficulty de- goal is to get southernpolyrejects. nounced its plans to change its veloping the redirection method com redirecting to our site, too. If domain name from “uga.edu” to until one of our technicians re- we do that, we may get accredited “techrejects.com.” called hearing something about this century,” said Jay Irnikov, “After consulting with our the Internet being a series of Dean of the engineering school. marketing department, we’ve de- tubes,” Spurger said. Not everyone is looking for- cided that this is the best plan to “That’s when we hit on our ward to the switch, however. attract those students in our core current solution: we’ve strung “It’s going to be so hard to demographic,” said Chi Spurger, hamster tubes between the two remember my email now,” said Director of the Compooters Of- sets of servers and will have the Mike Hawk, a third-year let- fice. little guys delivering the packets. ter writing major. “Uga has only All University websites will Of course, we can’t have them do three letters and is pretty simple switch their web addresses in that indefinitely - that would be to grunt. ‘Techre Jects’ sounds all July 2012, although the “uga. ridiculous,” Spurger said. foreign and complex - there’s no edu” domains will redirect to Faculty of the engineering way I’ll be able to spell that out their “techrejects.com” equivalent school were pleased with the deci- when I need to.” Library burns down, students unaware for weeks BY Harry Wacker rently unknown if anyone even hope to launch an investigation to A Chill Bro noticed this burning building. determine the cause of the blaze. What we do know is that no stu- “We’ve got some other things to The university[sic] of Georgia’s dents are unaccounted for and no do first,” he said. “But we’ll get to official school library has been fire-related injuries have been re- it.” discovered burned to the ground, ported. “The destruction of our state’s sources report. “If someone had actually been treasured coloring book archive is Stacy Spears, a third-year Sex in or around the library at the a loss to us all,” said Harry Pitts, Education major, was the first to time of the fire, maybe we would Head Book Person. spot the aftermath of the fire. She have noticed this sooner,” he said. In order to supplement class claims that on her walk between When asked for comment, text material for the curriculum a classes Tuesday afternoon, she un- U[sic]GA president Michael F. new emergency shipment of Dora customarily looked to the right, Adams issued a statement. “The the Explorer has been ordered and and what she saw surprised her. day of the tragic fire, which may will be distributed amongst stu- “At first I thought it was, like, have been between two and three dents of the College of Engineer- an old campfire or something,” months ago, will go down as a sad ing. Stacy recounted. “But then I day for this institution. What I It is not yet clear what will hap- thought it was way too big.” Fur- hear was a classic example of ex- pen with the space on which the ther investigation revealed the traordinary architecture, and pos- library stood. Following the dis- site was once the university’s only sibly had a long and treasured his- covery, the U[sic]GA football fans library. Campus police chief Bill tory on this campus, has been lost began using the space as a latrine. Paxton had the following to say. in what may or may not have been “There used to be a place for “Evidence suggests the fire an accident. I’m sure the library books there? I don’t know about started as recently as twelve weeks will be missed.” that, but that place is real nice ago, and probably lasted four or The campus SGA has begun when me and my brother want five days before burning out. But work on a plaque memorial to to go to the bathroom,” said Erni we just don’t know,” he said. be installed at the site of the fire, Coli, a passionate devotee of Paxton also denied that stu- but so far have run across difficul- Coach Mark Richt. dents had been on break at the ties. Pictures of the library have as U[sic]GA officials said they time of the fire. “Students would yet only been found in the back- would begin planning what to Photo by Sarah Stitute/ Barbie Video and Photo Play-set have been on campus for most or ground of other photos. do with the space in the coming The destruction of the library went unnoticed for over twelve all of the fire’s duration. It’s cur- Paxton says that someday they months. weeks. U[sic]GA officials plan to conduct an investigation soon. To Hell with Georgia!
This space provided as a public service by the Technique. To Hell with Georgia!
This space provided as a public service by the Technique. Tuesday, November 22, 2011 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA 12 • New mascot chosen U[sic]GA Students rejoice: Ash Whole However, due to budget cuts Nickelback Fan and extraordinary expenditure on Alcohol now sold on Sunday coloring books for the library, the After yet another alcohol-re- university[sic] does not have mon- BY Humpty Dumbrowski creased budget. Thoughts.” lated death of pug Uga, U[sic]GA ey for a pure bred cat. “It would Sesame Street Enthusiast “Thanks to the Sunday liquor In the past, ‘Dry Sundays’ has finally decided to adopt a cat be great to get a lion or tiger, or sales from our great city, we can negatively affected the student for their new mascot. The decision liger but we might have to settle Wild celebrations filled Ath- cut furlough days for teachers,” body to such a degree that upon was finally made after months of for a cat,” Burns said. ens’ streets last week as the new said Mayor Jockducocky, thrilled waking out of an intoxicated state grueling calculations by top re- When asked whether mascot law passed; liquor sales are now with the outcome of the law. students would face identity crises searchers. replacement will be present at the allowed on Sundays in Georgia. The passing of this law has a and emotional breakdowns. “Preliminary tests showed that upcoming Tech game, Dick Burns “Now I can buy me some li- profound effect on the campus of “On Sundays the entire town cats had a higher tolerance to and the Administration yelled a quor on the way to church,” said U[sic]GA, creating quite the fren- screeched to a halt, Waffle Houses specific high-class beers like Key- string of profanities and smashed Anita Drank, a sixth-year Sanita- zy of excitement among the stu- were empty at night,” said Don- stone and Natural Light. These re- beer bottles against the wall before tion Engineering major. dent population, 97.5 percent of ald Stump, a third-year Coloring sults are very promising, although sobbing and leaving the room. On subsequent Sundays, tax which admit to, “brushing teeth major, “it was like a sight from 28 we have yet to test the animals on Many students agree that this revenues from liquor soared. with a bottle of Jack.” (P. Didhe. Days Later.” Mike’s Hard and Smirnoff Ice in is a hard time for U[sic]GA, but “It was just so difficult to re- Unemployment Projection Study. “This was the renovation Sun- Phase 2,” said Dr. Sack, a leading understand that the changes are member to pick up my liquor on 2011). days needed,” said Harris Huck, researcher in Animal Psychology for the better. Saturday nights, or whatever I On the Sunday following the Director of Student Morale. He and Alcohol Consumptology. “Ok, I how like, you know, the bought would be gone by Sunday new law, a record breaking 10,000 feels that U[sic]GA will now have Unable to dispute with science Uga died and whatever, but like morning,” said Al Coholic a third- handles of vodka and 12,000 the fuel and motivation it needs or construct coherent arguments we should be happy to have a mas- year Custodial Practices major. of whiskey were sold in Athens to keep producing such fine up- while intoxicated, the athletic cot who can, you know, do a keg Several state politicians have alone. Student groups have rallied standing educated citizens. “Now department consented to make stand and not tap out after 20 sec- expressed that Georgia may be around the policy, with new social that I can buy alcohol on Sunday’s plans to change the mascot to bet- onds like a wuss,” said eighth-year able to fund programs cut so events on Sundays, such as “Take I don’t need to drink mouthwash,” ter embody the drinking spirit of English major Willie Stroker. harshly last year with the de- a Shot at Studying” or “Shots for Huck said. the school. For now, all fans can hope for “As soon as this hangover pass- is that the new mascot will look es, we’ll find ourselves a stupid cat good in red and black and survive or whatever,” said Athletic Mascot the oncoming alcohol onslaught Administrator Guy Dick Burns. that awaits. U[sic]GA adds Walmart Co-Op BY Craven Moorehead five decades now, first presented of current greeters. Adult Novelty Store Owner the program to the SSSSP after The next two semesters are realizing just how many of his fel- spent as an apprentice to a certi- “It’s crucial we get our students low alumni share the same career. fied master greeter. During this into a real life work setting where “The job has a lot more intrica- time, students cultivate their tal- they can grow their skills and tru- cies than can be taught in the stan- ents and let their careers with ly see what their U[sic]GA degree dard four hour training course; Walmart blossom. can get them in the long run,” each wave and smile you develop A major advantage for the pro- said Bea Yatch, the Super Senior is a portal into the costumer’s soul gram is that it is open to not most, Supervisor of Semi-Professional and requires immeasurable finesse but all majors at U[sic]GA; the Affairs, during an interview about to perfect,” McDonald said. course work of any major should the Walmart Greeter Co-Op that McDonald himself will be tak- properly prepare a student for this U[sic]GA recently introduced. ing several students on his broad high-paying entry level position at The program, establish this wings of experience. the worlds largest company. past semester, hopes to better as- Students will endure three se- Many worry that the position similate students into the rigor mesters of rigorous work experi- might become monotonous or un- workplace environment they will ence. The first semester is spent derwhelming, to which McDon- enter upon graduating. taking introductory classes in hy- ald responds, “I’ve been at this Photo by Long Hong John/ Freelance Stalker Bill McDonald, A U[sic] giene neglect, unsettling smiles, over fifty years, and have yet to “Science” has once again determined the superior species for GA alumni who was been with and awkward body posture, while come to work sober,” a perfect fit resistance to alcohol, nine lives means nine times the alcohol. Walmart Greeters Associate for conducting observational research for the a UGA grad.
sliver www.nique.net I wonder how long I can go without showering before my girl- friend notices. I’m so afraid of finals I’m not even excited for holiday break indian girl in the culc looking at magic cards on cockatrice, will you please be my girlfriend? Guys, it’s Movember! I want to see more moustaches! bicycle permit parking at clough!? LOL good luck enforcing that... what the flux is going on? #phys2lab shout out to Kessler. beast writer Six Seasons and a Movie There should be traffic laws for sidewalks as well. Namely “slower traffic keep right.” Feels good when a hall council denies residents their own money. to any girl that likes pokemon: imma raichu a love song. Who needs an alarm when you have the powerplant I was going to dress as Waldo for Halloween but I JUST NOW found my costume How ‘bout them Dawgs? Towers Cat, Y U no like me? Piss on them!! hate week, hell week, dead week, finals week. its the most won- derful time of the year Starting to fast from now, so I can EAT EVERYTHING on Thanksgiving. I love the smell of warmth! Students pick class over a possible tornado, what’s new FERPA violations everywhere... I told him to put it in me. He gave me a wet willy. “Jazzman’s is now closed. Please visit Starbucks at CULC.” I’d rather not. #tooexpensive Go Jackets! Beat them Dawgs! i ride a bike. sometimes I feel like a jerk, but can’t help it a sophomore in college and still have braces. ladies, come get me Note to all football players: Less punching, more tackling. Drake’s Album Take Care >> Booze & Stuff Twelve hot ideas for dating your cousin in Athens
Photos by Pat Mikkan / Inbred Quarterly 1. The Free Clinic 2. A Bar 4. Jerry Springer another couple! running into an ex. 7. The Family Farm 13. Your Trailer Nothing says “I love you, There are no shortages of bars cousin” like knowing your status in Athens. If you want to contrib- If you happen to find your- Nothing is more relaxing than before any amorous activities ac- ute to the alcoholism problem, and self in Connecticut, be sure to going back to your roots. Spend This is the perfect time to show tually occur. Tests usually involve have fun, this is a no-brainer. Not take your cousin to The Jerry some quality time with the rest off your new double wide in the swapping the cheek. If all goes only will the alcohol make you Springer Show. Tickets are free, of your fine looking family back hopes of getting lucky. Nothing well—and even if it does not— funnier and smarter, it will make and you all can laugh at the all on the ranch. Ma and Pa will love screams “classy” like rotating the your bravery will be awarded with your cousin even more attractive the dysfunctional guests on stage. your date, and there will be no un- tires of your house and pumping an U[sic]GA themed lollipop and than before (as if that were possi- Guests usually consist of people comfortable introductions since your sewage before a big date. condom! Just make sure not to get ble). A few drinks in your cousin’s with low I.Q.s who are sleeping you practically shared the same Make sure everything is nice the two confused. For an added system will make scoring a home with their family members so you crib as your cousin. But be sure to and tidy and remove all family bonus, try to swing some medical run easier than receiving a degree should both feel right at home. steer clear from the livestock. You photos from the bedroom before Mary Jane to perfect the mood! from U[sic]GA. You might even make friends with don’t want to ruin the moment by the magic happens, though. You Tate Center to host cool art Sillybandz take By Art Vandalay on refrigerators and ice boxes students in the same way: the best Finger-painting Studies Major throughout the building. Art pro- way I could imagine.” U[sic]GA by storm fessor, Drew Goode, explains why These senior design projects The College of Arts and Scienc- his students’ work is on display in are required for all Lamar Dodd by Connie Lingus “I wore SillyBandz in the shape es will be hosting their semesterly the highest form of honor possi- School of Art students to earn a Rubber Band Connoisseur of golden arches to my big inter- art show in the Tate Student Cen- ble. “I’m just so garsh-darn proud! BA degree. All drawing were as- view for a full-time custodial posi- ter. For the next two weeks, the When I was in school, Mama put signed from the tome, The Little As most college students rave tion at McDonald’s, and I got the culmination of an Art student’s my good drawings up on the ice- Mermaid: Songs from the Heart. over fancy gadgets like mechani- job as soon as I walked in,” said semester’s work can be viewed box, and I wanted to honor my As you pass the works, note the cal pencils and can openers, they Stu Padasso, an eighth-year mon- Art students’ ability to color in the are missing out on one of the key bars major. “I was worried lines and choose a magnet that biggest crazes to hit elementary my degree wouldn’t get me where complements the piece as a whole. school campuses across the nation I wanted go, but the SillyBandz To reach this level in the program, — SillyBandz. made all the difference.” students must first take Coloring Rubber bracelets shaped into The bright colors also dazzle Book Theory I and II, Drawing every shape imaginable, from sim- SillyBandz fans for hours on end. inside the Lines and Advanced ple things like beer bottles to fan- “I started studying for my turf Crayon Application. cy things like squares. SillyBandz management class last night, but Goode compliments his stu- can be used to reflect your every I ended up staring at the color- dents. “They colored them pic- emotion at any moment. Get an fulness of my SillyBandz for 15 tures real nice. They worked hard urge to make out with Uga? Get hours,” said Mike Rotch, an un- and now they can enjoy their bulldog-shaped SillyBandz. declared fifth-year. “It was a - bi work.” Goode’s student/grandfa- SillyBandz can be used in ca- zarre, yet totally enlightening, ther/cousin-twice-removed echoes reer-building opportunities. experience.” these sentiments. “It was real hard. I spilled beer on a bunch of ‘em, so I had to start over. And then sometimes I forgot what I was do- ing and made a paper airplane. But now it’s worth it so everyone can see what I done did. I’m real proud of me!” Goode explains why he chose the particular challenging body of work for his students. “I like Ariel. She’s real purty. Maybe she’ll hear about the showing and come visit. I hope she comes visit.” The art students are selling their works for six-packs, dime- Photo by E.G. Beater/ Appliance Appreciation Alliance bags, or live sheep. Contact Goode Photo by Rhea Curhan/ U[sic]GA Philosophy Club The crowning work of the new Goode collection, “Ariel A la Mode” or any representative of Tate Stu- SillyBandz offer instant fun and hours of deep philosophical plays with color, form and promotional magnets. It’s totally deep. dent Center for sales details. reflection. Rubber bands and the universe will never be the same. Tuesday, November 22, 2011 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA 14 • Walking Dead to cut costs, shoot U[sic]GA students By Amy Winehouse Aspiring Zombie
AMC’s smash hit zombie dra- ma is heading to U[sic]GA. After being renewed for a third season, the show’s producers announced The Walking Dead would be film- ing in Athens to cut back on the show’s monstrous production costs. Rather than hiring hoards of extras, AMC’s production com- pany will be filming U[sic]GA students as they shamble through campus on Sunday mornings. The new setting will save thou- sands of dollars on set-deign and make-up while still capturing the post-apocalyptic scenery and gro- tesque, nauseating zombie-action the show’s fans have come to ex- pect. While they definitely look the part, there was some initial con- cern that U[sic]GA’s student body would not be up to the task of por- traying the menacing ‘walkers.’ In the show, zombies viciously attack in packs whenever they detect live Image courtesy of Bjorn Again / U[sic]GA Christian Club prey, requiring greater levels of An U[sic]GA student lunges toward a production assistant brandishing a bottle of Jack Daniels. While the new setting and actors awareness, coordination, and ini- tiative than the average U[sic]GA have significantly decreased production costs on the whole, one of the show’s producers described the liquor budget as “staggering.” student possesses. about how to incorporate the they had sustained real gunshots CGI during post-production. worried about. Zombies are awe- Fortunately, one of the pro- show’s trademark violence. Initial- wound after actors fired blanks Although some U[sic]GA of- some!” said Hugh Jass, a ninth- duction assistants found that ly, the production team planned at them. Another student was ficials were mildly concerned that year communications major. they could sufficiently motivate on using props and flash-blanks, rushed to the hospital after ingest- the show might possibly reflect “It’s like a lifelong dream the masses by ‘baiting’ them with but this approach was abandoned ing most of a plastic severed-arm poorly on the university, the re- come true. It’s so satisfying to packs of Keystone Light and han- after several tragic accidents dur- prop. action form the student body has have your talents recognized and dles of Jägermeister. ing the general audition. Sev- In light of these events, most been unanimously positive. to be part of something that is so There was also some concern eral students were convinced that violence will be rendered with “I don’t know what they’re so fresh and original and new.” Tuesday, November 22, 2011 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • 15
Try your best to draw a line from “START” to “END.” Don’t Maze worry if it takes you a couple hours, this maze is HARD. Practice Sobriety Test Color all three of the shapes below without going outside the lines. Make sure to use a crayon!
START END
Trivia Time! Who should you not marry? Which will fit in a A. Your Sister C. Uga cookie jar? B. Your Mother D. Your Girlfriend
Fill in the box so that every row and column contains the digits 1 A Whale A Cookie through 1.
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Advertise with us! Visit nique.net/ads for information Tuesday, November 22, 2011 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA 16 • Change from Gatorade aids team Committee formed
By Ava GYna Neanderthal for removal of hedges A report released by the NCAA earlier this month revealed impor- BY Fawn Dillmiballs North Campus trashed by Satur- tant changes made to the Dawgs’ Reverse Cowgirl day morning. football team. According to the “You know, we had such a report, the team’s performance The entire Athens community great thing going, and we were can be attributed to a simple but expressed outrage on Thursday marching over to Adams’ house, significant change to its game when university[sic] President Mi- and, uhh, the next thing I re- strategy. chael Adams announced the for- member is waking up covered in Head coach Helen Hunt made mation of an exploratory commit- Keystone Light. Did we ever get the decision earlier this season to tee to consider the removal of the to Adams’ house? God, I have a switch the team from Gatorade to iconic hedges in historic Sanford terrible headache,” said Joe Kerr, Miller High Life, a popular Ath- Stadium. the senior student who organized ens beer. Adams made the decision to the protest. Players reacted well to the form the committee after an inci- U[sic]GA’s athletic department change. “It’s a lot easier to take dent in U[sic]GA’s Homecoming was split in terms of support of a hit during the game, and we football game against New Mex- the measure, but Athletic Direc- can practice longer and harder. I ico State, when senior tight end tor Greg McGarity voiced strong think Coach Hunt made one of Photo by Phillip McCrack / Anonymous Alcoholic Aron White fell into the hedges support for Adams’ decision. the smartest decisions in college The U[sic]GA team goes into prayer, worshiping the girl on the after a touchdown and was unable “I was afraid something like footbaw,” said Matt Tress, the Budweiser advertisment after posting their ninth win of the year. to extract himself from the leaves this would happen. We wouldn’t quarterback for the U[sic]GA. and branches while trying to get pay our players what we—I mean, “All our guys kept getting ar- her belief that Gatorade, which Joe Smith, the chief doctor at Em- up. we wouldn’t hand our players huge rested cus they had to wait until was invented by rivals at the Uni- ory Hospital. U[sic]GA officials “Traditions are nice and all, scholarships if—I mean, umm, we after practice to get drunk, and versity of Florida, was sabotaging declined to comment. but they’re not that important in don’t want our student-athletes to they usually ended up driving the team’s performance. Given its recent pattern of ir- the grand scheme of things,” Ad- get hurt. Yeah, that. So the hedges afterwards. Now we just get so The changes have already had rational decision making, it is ams said. have to go,” McGarity said. drunk during practice that we just a negative impact on the team. unclear whether the NCAA will U[sic]GA students attempt- Surprisingly, a handful of foot- stagger out of Sam[sic]ford Sta- Running back Harry Pitts fell into take action against the U[sic]GA ed to organize a rally on North ball players came out in support of dium onto the streets,” said Rick the hedges on the field after scor- football team for its actions. Campus on Friday, the day before the measure on the condition that Shaw, the running back. ing a touchdown. While the long- “We have yet to decide whether U[sic]GA’s game against Ken- they would be able to keep parts Fans and alumni immediately term health effects of the change U[sic]GA should be punished for tucky, to protest the proposed re- of the hedges after they were re- praised the decision. “I think dat are yet unclear, doctors and sports making their football team drink moval of the hedges. moved. Coach Hunt done a dayum good physiologists implored U[sic]GA during practice and the games. However, several hundred “Yeah man, I think [Carl- job this season, especially because officials to reverse the decision. They haven’t technically broken students mistook the rally for a ton Thomas and I] could use we beet those Flawida Gators ear- “These players will either drop any rules, so any punishment very early tailgate for the football [the hedge leaves] in some of my lier this season,” said Mike Hunt. dead on the field due to dehydra- handed down will be pretty mi- game, and the movement quickly hemp—ah, my Turf Management Hunt explained that the driv- tion or end up developing an ir- nor anyway,” said Richard Head, devolved into a massive tailgat- classes,” said freshman running ing factor behind the decision was reversible alcohol addiction,” said spokesperson for the NCAA. ing party that left the entirety of back Isaiah Crowell with a grin. Tuesday, November 22, 2011 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • 1717S SEC Championship Game: LSU vs. U[sic]GA BY Annie Position, Bedroom gymDAWG T
S LSU will enter the SEC Championship Game as the top-ranked team in Division I Cornhole behind the undefeated tandem of Stone, an
H All-American senior from Philadelphia, and Light, a freshman phenom from New Orleans. Their unorthodox methods have proven wildly
G successful: Light is the runaway favorite for Freshman of the Year, while Stone’s hole-in percentage of 73.8 percent for the season is the T Photo by Keith S Keith by Photo LI highest mark by any NCAA cornhole player since 1847. U[sic]GA will pose a major challenge to the Tigers, but if Stone and Light show up in top shape, LSU has a strong chance to continue its undefeated run and clinch a berth in the national title game.
A During the offseason, Stone adopted a powerful sidearm pitching motion while recovering from an April shoulder injury, and
ALIE he has been a force in his senior campaign. However, critics have continued to suggest that as more teams face LSU and additional T game film becomes available, opponents will be able to “solve” Stone’s deceptive strategy. Stone’s surprising struggles in Week 10 Portrait / A Self tone A C against then-No. 2 Alabama seemed to prove this theory true. However, Stone said he simply had not reached his desired pregame BAC of 0.18 and thus had been too sober to throw properly, and he then followed that stumble with his three best games of the season over the past three weeks, including a perfect 7-for-7 mark against then-No. 5 Arkansas. If Stone simply makes sure to maintain & N &
E his traditional preparation methods for this contest, he should be properly buzzed and capable of making the always-smooth throws that
N have carried him to success, regardless of what U[sic]GA does to prepare for the contest.
O The left-handed Light, meanwhile, has taken the cornhole world by storm with her “wishcorn” strategy. Before every pitch, Light downs
T an entire can of [REDACTED] beer, whispers something into her faded baseball cap, and lobs the cornhole bag as many as 20 feet up- S ward—and it nearly always falls right onto the platform. Light’s hole-in percentage has not been particularly strong, but she has managed
H to land the bag either on the platform or in the hole on 89.8 percent of her throws this season. In the past, Light has shown a potential T weakness to very hostile opposing fan bases, and U[sic]GA certainly falls into this category. If the match drags on for a while, though, EI Light should have enough alcohol in her system that she should be able to tune out the noise—though the constant spittle raining on K her during the match could be an issue. PUSSY DAW J VS. EREMIAH
U[sic]GA boasts one of NCAA Cornhole’s most experienced teams with Weed, a senior from Athens, and Boozer, a senior from Athens, set to lead the Dawgs in the conference title game. Where LSU has thrived based on its exciting and effective playing style, U[sic]GA has gained more national attention for its off-the-field antics and pregame preparation methods, along with the fact that
both Weed and Boozer have faced multiple suspensions throughout their careers. Given their unreliability, the only real reason WEED that the Dawgs reached the SEC title game was their very weak schedule; however, when U[sic]GA’s two seniors are on their games, they can be as good as anyone in the game today. If Weed and Boozer show up to Friday’s SEC Championship Game—both figuratively and literally—the Dawgs have a strong chance to pull off the upset.
Weed’s pregame preparation will be crucial to his success, and it is a major reason he has been much more effective at U[sic]GA than & C on the road. Two hours before playing in any cornhole contest at home, Weed—an honors student in Turf Management—joins his room- mate, U[sic]GA running back Isaiah Crowell, and meditates on the scent of the Sanford Stadium grass. Weed has said in the past that the scent of the grass helps him to relieve pregame stress, and indeed his hole-in percentage in road games is only 22 percent compared AROL to 48 percent at home. Opponents, meanwhile, have complained about the way Weed frequently zones out for minutes at a time between G pitches, apparently happily unaware that he is in the middle of a cornhole game.
Photo by Neil Inlick / Below Deck Boozer, meanwhile, made headlines in a press conference this week when she revealed that she always maintains a BAC above 0.24— BOOZER both on and off the cornhole field—and mocked LSU’s Stone and Light for being “weak” by comparison. At that press conference,
however, Boozer declined to address questions about re-entering the starting lineup after temporarily losing her starting job before U[sic] S GA’s game at Mississippi State. Just before that game was set to begin, Boozer was found in a ditch two miles away from MSU’s campus; she was benched and has not played since, with sophomore Jimmy Beamer replacing her in the starting lineup. The key for Boozer, then, will be for her to physically show up; if she does not, the less-talented Beamer will have to step in and LSU will have a huge advantage. PREDICTION: DAWGZ 21, pussycats 0
sliver www.nique.net Why is Blitzcrank free this week? Now everyone is playing him... What was that weird steam column? Dear fellow looking for someone to talk to in the Student Center, I’m glad you chose me. student: Professor, Why is this so hard?...Professo r: This ain’t no disco son! I can’t read through a paragraph of physics without falling asleep for 5 hours hey EMT in north ave east. you can save my life any day i need more black friends the black chair room is so loud on tuesday nights One test, two months of material-thank you calc III fluids test is going to kick my butt tomorrow and what I am I doing at 1:15am? yep, slivering. I was going to dress as Waldo for Halloween but I JUST NOW found my costume Towers Cat, Y U no like me? No, no, no thank YOU for slivering Wish I had the courage to jump in those leaf piles Dear CRC patrons, It makes our day watching you fail at the turnstiles. Love, Amused CRC staff Alex Sohani is the best editor. what a playaaaaaa I want my awkward chair back. The one you stole freshman year to make the blanket fort with. How hard is it to get a sliver published? New sidewalk traffic law: pull over to tie shoes. I mean, really. Who changes a tire in the middle of a road? Do gays have to say “no hetero” when they say/do something questionable to a friend of opposite sex? walking along. see cute girl. make eye contact. she smiles. return smile. day made. Chief Crocker should resign Fun Fact: The flame spire on East Campus is where your hopes and dreams went. Note to all football players: Less punching, more tackling. a sophomore in college and still have braces. ladies, come get me
Tuesday, November 22, 2011 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA • 19 Richt replaced as head coach Shame walk brings tradition to campus By Lou Swimmin setting numbers. Porn Star The Bulldogs are not, however, dependent entirely on sheer quan- U[sic]GA has garnered abso- tity of team members, they also lute respect from the sports com- maintain an experienced veteran munity and recognition by the crew that performs well under NCAA for their recent prolific pressure. Inexperienced rookie performance in a burgeoning col- streetwalkers are often skittish, legiate sport: The Walk of Shame. possessed by the fear of embar- The Walk has long been a cher- rassment. ished college tradition that has Because of this, they typically granted fame to many rebellious fail to preserve the proper com- girls with daddy issues and low posure, regularly making actual self-esteem. A source of hung-over efforts to conceal their drunken high fives and judgmental stares, actions of the previous evening. this young sport is inspiring the Such meager worries do not affect nation’s innocent young ladies to the UGA team, allowing them to defame and degrade themselves in strut with pride despite their di- the most public of atmospheres. sheveled appearance and repug- Though many agricultural nant stench. schools have established impres- Not a shoeless foot, a makeup- sive pedigrees in this field of smeared face or even a vomit- competition, no institution in the stained blouse can halt this squad. Photo by Mike Rochburns / Paparazzi Wannabes nation has been nearly as impres- If the bulldogs continue their cur- Most fans had no idea that Helen Hunt had replaced Mark Richt as the head football coach at U[sic] sive on Saturday morning as the rent streak of success, the state of GA. Their coincedental resemblance to each other allowed for a fairly seamless coaching transition. Georgia Bulldogs. The “work- Georgia may very well see record- ing girls” of UGA have delivered shattering sales of home preg- By Ivana Hafsechs well as to not confuse the fan base after a few weeks under Hunt. remarkable performances in each nancy tests, “morning after” pills, Staff Rider when someone who did not look “I knew something was up match this season, never failing and the great catalyst of the event: like Richt was coaching from the when Coach came into the locker to arrive in the streets in record- tequila. The Bulldogs’ recent win over sideline. The move was kept quiet room and wouldn’t look at us. I Kentucky marked their ninth for most of the season until Hunt also thought it was kind of weird straight victory and moved their was spotted in a dress before the that [s]he made us watch Twister record to 9-2. The biggest reason game against Kentucky. The fan or As Good As It Gets before ev- for the Bulldogs’ winning streak base was still unsure if the person ery game,” said Aaron Murray, has not been because of their stel- in the dress was not Richt until Georgia quarterback. lar offense or shutdown defense, they discovered that Hunt had “Man, I thought Coach looked but because the Bulldogs changed tan lines, something Richt would a little bit different, but I thought coaches after their week two loss never let happen. I was just tired from studying for to South Carolina. The move also slipped by ESPN my turf management courses,” It was not a very publicized until this past weekend when the said Isaiah Crowell, Georgia run- move, but actress-now-head- news finally broke. ning back. coach and Mark Richt look-a-like “Georgia has a new football There has been no word yet Helen Hunt has led the Bulldogs coach? Georgia has a football whether Georgia will renew for the last nine games. team? What is football?” said Hunt’s contract next season or
The U[sic]GA Athletic Depart- Craig James, ESPN analyst[sic]. cast her away like Richt, but it Photo by Lucy Goosey / Las Vegas Brothels United ment made the move after the Most of the Georgia players seems that U[sic]GA has finally Three young ladies walk back from a wild night partying. This is Bulldogs lost the game to South were also unsure of the change, found a serviceable coach for the Carolina to get a new leader, as but some had growing suspicions rest of this season. a common tradition at U[sic]GA that many girls take with pride. techniq e all we’re missing is u ! pizza meetings on tuesdays 7 p.m., flag building, room137
Advertise with us! Visit nique.net/ads for information GET IT IN See whether U[sic]GA can hit as many holes as Tiger Woods in the upcoming Footbaw SEC Championship game By THE Dawgs schedule tough opener for 2013 numbahS 1 Number of UGA Graduates Under Mark Richt 3
Points for a field Photo by Holden McGroin / Children Stalkers Inc. Oliver Clozov, star running back for the Lil’ Cyclones, runs past defenders in a rivalry game. The Bulldogs have the size goal in football. and athletic advantage, but fear the intellectual ability and discipline of the Lil’ Cyclones, who average an IQ of 100. By Buster Cherry not have the man power our conference pounds. who knew? Incest Therapist does, but they are definitely more intel- “I’m happy we get to play with the big ligent on the field than anyone we see kids, we never get to play with the big In order to fill an open date in the in our conference. We believe the Lil’ kids. Football is fun,” Butts said. schedule, the Bulldogs have arranged to Cyclones play the brand of football that U[sic]GA has experience playing in play the Lil’ Cyclones from the Clarke could make this a marquee matchup,” big matchups to open the season, and County Catholic Church Community said U[sic]GA Athletics Director Greg knows that a season opening loss can kill Youth League (5CYL) for a game in McGarity. momentum. J 2013. The Lil’ Cyclones have been the di- The Lil’ Cyclones were excited about “I honestly have no idea why the vision champions of their league for the the matchup as well, not normally getting U[sic]GA Athletics Department contact- THE FIRST NUMBAH last three years, due to their ability to de- to play big matchups with college foot- ed us, but they offered to pay us 100,000 velop young talent. U[sic]GA is looking ball teams, let alone Division-I teams. dollars and are legitimately scared of our forward to the non-conference matchup Their roster could be the youngest that guys. I’m just hoping nobody gets in- IN THE WORD that they claim could define their 2013 the Bulldogs play, with all of the players jured out there,” said Lil’ Cyclones Head season. ranging from the age of five to seven. Coach Mike Huntsucker. “We like to schedule opponents that The biggest player on their roster is The teams will open up the season in GEORGIA will give us a challenge on the field stra- offensive tackle Justin Butts who stands 2013, possibly playing in a primetime tegically and physically. These guys may at three-foot-eight and weighs in at 55 Labor Day matchup. Turf management major popular among U[sic]GA backs
By Heywood Jablomei while also finding a way to quality,” said running back Sexual Instigator market the product of your Isaiah Crowell. choice to the greater Athens Richt has taken note of the After the recent change community. boys’ increased time doing to add History of Coloring While Turf Management work for the major and was Books to the core curriculum, is still considered a tougher not pleased. several running backs from major in Athens, the football “These boys are spending the U[sic]GA football teams players are finding a way to re- too much time on their stud- have switched their majors to lax and enjoy themselves while ies. They constantly come into turf management. The move they do their work. The course practice with red eyes, giggling over was intended to lighten work requires the students to from spending so much time the workload of the players, so spend a lot of their time prac- doing their homework. If this they can spend more time fo- ticing their art, but the U[sic] keeps up, I’m going to have to cusing on their game. GA players have found the ex- suspend them from the team “I was shocked to hear [the tra workload to be enjoyable. for spending too much time school] added that tough class Oddly enough, only the doing their homework,” Richt to the schedule, so I advised running backs from the team said. that my guys switch majors. have switched over to the Richt eventually suspended We let these young men know, major, while the majority of Crowell among other players the only time they need to do the team stuck to the Binge for a contest until they stopped work is when they have com- Drinking major. studying and got arrested in- munity service hours after “Yeah man, I [spend a ton stead. serving a sentence in Athens- of time studying] for this class. That could be tough, as
Photo by Betty Drilzzer / Rolladoobie Photos Clarke County,” said Head I have to measure out grams the major requires four credit A U[sic]GA player tends to one of the many fields taken care of by the foot- Coach[sic] Mark Richt. and stuff and try my stuff to hours to graduate—two more The major focuses on cul- show my customers that my] than any other major on cam- ball team. The majority of their time is spent testing their product for sales. tivating agricultural product Kush—err, product is top pus.