PAGE 8 September 27,1994 Features

Qym4(m tS&dm\ Van Damme's Timecop Men on Film: Van Damme's Timecop surprisingly found ourselves im- proving he's not as dumb as we leads to another, and Max gets Timecop has it all — knife Cathy Dover Phil McNulty pressed by both the plot (yes, there thought), and goes after the Slimy- jumped days before he's supposed to fights, gun fights, fist fights and Jessica Greaves Retriever Staff Writer Guy politician with all the ven- Retriever Editorial Staff actually was one!) and the action. It start his new assignment at Time even an incredible chemical fight seems Jean-Claude's movies get pro- geance of a man whose wife was Enforcement Commission (TEC). To in a refrigeration plant. I just stood gressively better as his English im- brutally murdered (which she was, Well, it seems Jean-Claude Van put it simply, ^^^^^^^^" ^^^^■"^^^"" up and So there we were in the Security proves. so look out, Charles Bronson). Damme has finally made the tran- Max is to be- cheered On paper, the plot looks pretty // it's just you and the Square theater, kicked back with In Timecop, our buff hero, Max sition. No, he hasn't gotten rid of come a police- when one of cheesy, but it works on screen. The boys, high-tail it to our MONSTER bucket of popcorn Walker (played by Van Damme), is a his accent, and he really hasn't man who makes the villains movie is packed with moral dilem- (most of which Jess ate - CD), straight-laced but highly flexible reached the rank of Master Thes- sure no one uses Timecop was frozen mas, plot twists and LOTS of ac- waiting for Jean-Claude Van member of the Time Enforcement pian. And, he still does those splits the new time ~~^■ and then tion, which overall makes for a that any man would find, at least, travel technology for evil. Thus, the kicked in half. Again, what more Damme's latest action flick, killer ride. In fact, the last 20 min- questionable. title Timecop. could you possibly want? Timecop, to explode onto the utes are so intense that we waited But 'ol Jean-Claude has finally Anyway, as Max is busy getting his Incidentally, this movie conveys screen. As the previews rolled, we All there is to say about to pee until it was over. made an action/adven- blood all over these three guys' at least one of those Universal kept thinking to ourselves, "We're the BVD split scene: "We One caution, however: There is ture flick boots, his house blows up — Truths that all of us guys know far really glad we didn't pay to see this one HIGHLY UNNECESSARY hope they make a poster with his wife still inside it. And too well. But, for the sake of the movie." gratuitous sex scene with very you know how Jean-Claude plot, I'll just state the Truth itself Alright, we'll admit it. The true of that." little warning. (Let's just say that gets when you blow up his without regards to the movie: reason we volunteered to review Mia "Ferris Bueller's Main wife. Women are trouble. this movie is because, in the im- Commission, or TEC, somewhere in Squeeze" Sara ain't a sweet little So, ten years later, Max is Let's recap, shall we? We've got mortal words of Julie Brown, "we the not-so-distant future. You see, girl anymore). " still plugging away at his Jean-Claude Van Damme in a like 'em big and stupid." back in 1994, some scientist who'd On the "Girls on Film Scale," with job, mourning the loss of his movie that actually has a plot. But, Let's be honest: Jean-Claude's been locked up in a lab for years and Timecop gets **** out of *****, all the es- wife, when he is sent to the don't worry, he more than makes track record with intellectually years figured out a way to bend time, which means go see it, but catch sentials: blood, late 1920's. It's there that he up for that with the action. And, stimulating movies hasn't been and people (esp. terrorists) started the matinee. Jean-Claude may be guts, gore, explosions, humor, meets up with his old partner and ... like I said, if you don't find your- that great. The Belgian pretty- going back, altering events and gen- finally coming into his own, but he still ain't Arnold. (By the way, combat — in several different cen- Aw, who cares? Let's skip to the im- self just cheering out loud when boy's career in Hollywood has erally making a huge mess of things. True Lies gets ***** as action pic- turies — and, for those of you who portant stuff!! some of these people get killed, been limited to pictures with plots tures go, and is worth every penny like it, gratuitous sex. The action in this flick will shame then you're obviously missing a easily summarized by, "Hi, I've The Senate sets up the TEC to of full admission.) What more could anyone ask any movie you've ever seen. The spe- gene. got an accent, a cute butt and I'm regulate abusers, the worst of which One' final note: Being girls, we for? cial effects are exceptional, and the So, next time you have money is one of their own: an ambitious and kicking people!" are morally obligated to mention That's right, sport fans, that Bel- fight scenes would make even Steven just burning a hole in your pocket, greedy politician (played to carica- Needless to say, we were ex- the scene. Come on, you know the gian brute is back! And guess Segal look like the Karate Kid. Not take a look around. If there's a pecting a lot of incoherent mum- ture proportions by Ron Silver) who one we're talking about. The one what? He's kicking ass and taking only are the brawls well choreo- woman around who will actually bling, sexy pecs and little else of tries to finance a bid for the White they show over and over again on names later. And ... you'll love it!! graphed, but the sheer brutality of it be seen with you in public, then interest. House through heists in the past. the promos... the BVD split scene. Mr. Van Damme plays Max all will leave you ready to pick a fight go see something with some class. As much as we expected this Of course, Max puts two-and-two One phrase - "We hope they make Walker, a cop with the obligatory with your own grandmother should But, if it's just you and the boys, movie to royally blow mule, we together (and comes up with four, a poster of that." 'Nuff said. gorgeous wife. Well, one thing she look at you wrong. high-tail it to Timecop. The Graduate for the '90s Priscilla: Pit Stops Will Make You Quiver and Costume Changes lavishly decorate with a larger-than- train station and — instead of driv- Amanda Krotki Amanda Krotki life silver high heel — the mother of ing Ray home — drives straight to Retriever Editorial Staff Retriever Editorial Staff all hood ornaments. They also add a the airport. tanning bed and a number of dressed- On the way there, Dad rants mono- Ray has a problem. He just can't What do you get when you cross a to-kill Barbie dolls. syllabically about what a shame it is get off. First, he tries choking the transsexual, two drag queens and a Along the way, many cat fights that Ray will have to forfeit his in- chicken in the bathroom, but his lavender bus named Priscilla? The ensue, but the humor never dies. All ternship to entertain his bed-ridden father's beloved dog won't stop Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the three actors give stunning, vivid and mother (Alberta Watson — a Kirstie scratching on the door until he's al- Desert. touching performances. They are Alley dead ringer) all summer. Then, lowed in. Then, while Ray is gher- Distinguished Terence Stamp clearly three-dimensional people Dad hops out of the car, tells Ray to kin jerking, his obnoxious friend (Bernadette), mucho macho Hugo with very real problems and person- take good care of the dog and the shows up in his window demanding Weaving (Tick) and luscious Guy alities. Bernadette (don't call her mother, kisses his stunned son that he come out and play. Pearce (Adam) star in this fabulous, Ralph) worries about growing old goodbye and disappears. Dejectedly, While beating his meat and adventure-filled pilgrimage which while mourning the death of a lover, Ray drives home to his bored, doing the shower spank takes place between Sydney, Austra- Tick worries about being reunited needy, neurotic sex-pot of a appeal to Ray, Spanking lia and a resort town called Alice with his wife and living up to expec- mother and assumes the role the Monkey is not the Springs. tations for his son, while Adam wor- of nurse-maid. only thing on his mind Tick sets up the ultimate drag show ries about having the right sequined Needless to say, the two are in the movie of the same gig and coaxes Bernadette out of re- frock to wear. Although the charac- so desperate for attention name. tirement to join him and his friend, ters are all incredibly different, their and a little physical contact Ray, played by Jeremy Adam, on what turns into a two week interaction is amazingly intense and that they soon fall into an in- Davies, has just come home trek through the Australian Outback. fun to watch. cestuous relationship, playing from MIT with the hopes of leaving We know it's going to be a long ride The director, Stephen Elliott, never "spanking the mommy". again in a week to a prestigious in- when, four and a half hours into the shirks from his duties. While the au- The movie is chock-full of nutty ternship at the Surgeon General's of- journey, Adam asks, "How long have dience knows that this film witticisms that keep it rolling at a fice in Washington. These plans, we been on the road?" is an adventure — and a fantasy of hysterical speed. For instance, while 1994 Gramercy Pictures. All Rights Reserved however, are severely thwarted when Travel method of choice for the sorts — Elliott doesn't try to hide real Ray is out partying, he gets in a fight his rule-obsessed dad (Benjamin Adam and Tick (Guy Pearce, Hugo Weaving), "dressed to thrill" trio? A used school bus (in desperate Hendrickson) picks him up at the SEE SPANKING, PAGE 11 the natives in Priscilla. need of a new gas tank) which they SEE PRISCILLA, PAGE 10 Terminal Velocity: "It's not the fall that kills you ..." Sound like the action-packed with the stolen loot, bad guys rush- Amy Marselas thriller that you've been waiting for? Retriever Editorial Staff ing towards them with machine guns Well, just keep looking, 'cause this in their hands, Ditch leans over for Terminal Velocity is the newest ac- isn't the ^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^_ that first kiss. tion-packed thriller that will leave one. What timing he you begging ... No more, PLEASE! First, it Sound like the action-packed has! Devil-may-care professional sky- seems that thriller that you've been wait- Also, it diving instructor Richard "Ditch" Mr. Sheen always seems to Brody (Charlie Sheen) finds himself has put on ing for? Well Just keep look- be "Super Ditch" involved in a world of international quite a bit ing, 'cause this isn't the one. to the rescue. espionage when a beautiful and mys- of pound- —"""^^—^^^~ You see, with terious woman named Chris age since his previous film. He's just Chris now turning to the good side (Nastassja Kinski) signs up for a not quite the heartthrob that used to after her previous job experience parachute jump, and during her ini- make me drool. (It is amazing what working for the KG-used-to-B, it tial free fall, the chute fails to open. the passage of time can do to a body.) seems that now the bad guys are af- When the FAA blames Ditch for From the beginning scenes of the ter her. While defeating these bad her death and closes down the para- film, the close-ups of Kinski were guys, Ditch manages to battle the center, the hot-shot instructor takes totally disgusting. Then there are Russian Mafia (these are profession- it upon himself to discover the truth Ditch's hormones, which are way out ally trained agents, keep in mind) and behind the accident. However, he of control. Ditch (whose nickname win! Puleeze. Let's get real here. soon learns that nothing is as it seems comes from the combination of Dick Now for the real kicker. Ditch is ©Interscope Communications, Inc./Nomura Babcock & Brown Unit One Film Partners. All Rights Reserved. — least of all Chris, who turns up and Rich - how appropriate) is for- so coordinated, that when in a car Charlie Sheen is a big let down as Richard "Ditch" Brady in the ludicrous action thriller alive and well and is soon revealed ever trying to score with Chris. Even Terminal Velocity. to be a former KGB espionage agent. when they are in the back of a plane SEE .TERMINAL, PAGE 9