why would anyone do that?-many liberals turned on her. Media critic If Your Guest Harry Jaffe wrote a particularly nasty column about her for Salon in 1998, calling her “mean-spirited,” “elitist,” a Drinks from the “witch,” and an “apologist for indepen- dent counsel Kenneth Starr.” Sally’s bedrock conservatism under- Finger Bowl neath those liberal layers has much to do with her upbringing. Both her par- ents exemplified a culture of tradition Cbmlotte Allen says great hostesses don’t and of formal and informal hospital- ity-that is to say, they were both from just throw parties-thev JI uDhold standards. the South. Her mother grew up in Sa- LIKE SALLYQUINN. Yes, that a TV talking-head fixture, but only on vannah, Georgia, and her father on Sally Quinn, the onetime par- such topics as what kind of tie Al Gore Maryland‘s Eastern Shore. In addition, Yty-beat reporter who married ought to wear, and held forth on an all- her father was a three-star general who her boss at , Ben important topic: the Washington host- not only handed down a sense of starch “Watergate” Bradlee. The Sally Quinn ess. In fact, in a 1997 book, The Party: and protocol to his daughter but hob- who whined in the op-ed pages from A Guide to Adventurous Entertaining, nobbed with some of the most conser- time to time during the Reagan-Bush Sally came out of the guest-coat closet vative of the Republican politicians of Neglect years, and then spent the bet- as a Washington hostess: “You can call the 1960s: and Rich- ter part of the mid-nineties trying to me a hostess anytime,” she wrote ard Nixon, among others. get over for lunch at proudly. A manual of advice to those In fact, it was Barry Goldwater, Jr., her Georgetown mansion. The author who would, like Sally, entertain with who launched Sally Quinn’s career as a of those god-awful novels Regrets Only panache, The Party was a wonderful party-giver during the late 1960s. To and Daughter of Regrets Only (or what- book and a best seller, deservedly so (it, celebrate his election to Congress, Sally ever it was called-both books are out unlike the novels, is still in print as a bought herself a pair of lace evening of print, so it’s hard to check) that a $12 Fireside Books paperback that can pajamas, invited 200 friends over, and sadistic book editor made me review be found in nearly every bookstore and got in the society pages. The next day, some years ago for the Washington is worth every penny). In the pages of Bradlee called her up out of the blue Times. My reviews of those power suit- The Party, Sally revealed herself to be and hired her to cover parties for the busters weren’t as clever as Christopher what she truly is underneath that ve- Washington Post. As Sally narrates it in Buckley’s in the New Yorker (he coined neer of Hillary-stroking and limo-femi- The Party, her guest list seems to con- a genre for them: “cliterature”), but like nism: a dyed-in-the-wool conservative. sist mostly of liberals-Norman Lear, him, I had to wade resenthlly through That is because Sally Quinn’s forte. is Carl Bernstein, Warren Beatty, Hod- many steamy, name-dropping (lunch the giving of advice on manners, mores, ding Carter-but she has also counted spots, political celebrities, designer and ultimately, morals-the most pro- such staunch conservatives as William clothes) pages about the sex lives of foundly conservative profession on Safire and the late Rowland Evans glamorous and desirable female Wash- earth. She is one of the keepers of the among her close friends. ington journalists and the jut-jawed social order: that unwritten, formally In The Party, Quinn’s primary aim but compassionate, straight-Democra- unenforceable superstructure of tradi- is to disabuse those among her readers tic-ticket hunks who loved them. tions, subtle sanctions, and small kind- who believe that etiquette is about But I like Sally, nonetheless. There’s nesses that make the difference between knowing which fork to use or where to a reason: Sometime between the Bush civilization and raw barbarity. Not sur- seat the guest of honor’s wife or pPre and the Bush fils administrations, prisingly, when Sally began criticizing whether it is appropriate to wear a tux- she dropped her Jane Austen aspira- the Clintons for gaucherie during the edo at an afternoon wedding. Learning tions (at least I hope she has), became last years of that administration-now such rules is helpll, because they con-

8 AUTUMN2001 LICENSED TO UNZ.ORG ELECTRONIC REPRODUCTION PROHIBITED tribute to the general sense of decorum made of. One of Sally’s favorite stories, ple you are trying to impress and an- and prevent one from feeling, and of- perhaps apocryphal, concerns a dinner other way toward the people you don’t ten acting, offensively out of place- guest who had never seen a finger bowl think you need to impress. When that but they are not at the heart of eti- before and so started drinking out of unwritten rule prevails, so does a civi- quette. Nor is the point of etiquette to his. So as not to embarrass, the host lized order that needs few legal sanc- impress your guests with how much picked up his own finger bowl and tions for enforcement. This is a deeply you know and they don’t about, say, drank out of it, too. Another of her fa- conservative concept, conservative in wines or stemware or snail eating. vorites concerns her father, invited to a the Burkean sense. And Sally Quinn, British admiral’s house for a black-tie by making this principle the heart of HAT ETIQUETTE IS ABOUT, dinner. After the main course, Gen. her book, cannot be anything other simply, is concern for other Quinn lit up one of the cigarettes that than conservative, no matter what her people. Sally says it over and had been placed on the table along avowed political beliefs may be. over: “The most important thing you with ashtrays, as was the custom thirty One of the grandes dames of con- can do as a host or hostess is to make years ago. The admiral thundered from temporary etiquette, Judith Martin, your guests feel comfortable, welcome, the other end of the table, “General, in constantly reiterates these principles in wanted.” “Wouldn’t you rather have a my house, we do not smoke until after her “Miss Manners” syndicated col- great meatloaf and mashed potatoes the sweet.” “Admiral,” her father umn and her numerous guidebooks for than some badly done squiggly quen- replied in an equally loud voice, “in my the etiquette-ly perplexed. Martin does elles or a soggy beef Wellington with house, a guest can do no wrong.” not confuse good manners with Miss the hostess hell-bent on impressing The point is that etiquette has a Grundyism. (It is impolite to inquire everyone with how good a cook she is?” moral purpose: treating others, all oth- closely about the sleeping arrange- “If you’re going to have your kids ap- ers with whom you come into contact, ments of the unmarried or the brief pear at your grown-up parties, for God’s with kindness, courtesy, and respect for lapse of time, if any, between the wed- sake don’t make them perform.” “Never their dignity as human beings. You ding and the birth of the eldest child.) cancel to accept a better offer.” “Parties don’t behave one way toward the peo- Nor does she confuse it with snobbish- are about people, not about things.” Thus, you don’t need a big, fancy house to entertain: Guests actually feel cozier and more festive when you cram them into a small space. Just treat them hospitably. Don’t throw a cocktail party during the dinner hour, and then try to save money by having your wait-staff dole out parsimonious scraps of can- apCs in slow-mo-Sally hates that. Ditto in spades for scrimping on the booze (serve beer or modestly priced wine if that’s all you can afford, but make sure there’s plenty of it). Try not to seat any guest between two known bores (and if you’re a guest and you don’t like whom you’re seated next to, don’t switch the place cards). And don’t commit the even worse crime of seat- ing your celebrity guests (along with yourself) at one table and their spouses and the “B” guests at another. “Nowdm ’t word the invitation in such a way that thq, This is the stuff that The Party is

THEWOMEN’S QUARTERLY Drawing by Garrett Price 9

LICENSED TO UNZ.ORG ELECTRONIC REPRODUCTION PROHIBITED ness. “That social climbers and twits to strike up conversations with oppo- have misused etiquette throughout his- site-sex acquaintances in pickup bars). KARLYN BOWMAN’S tory should not be used as an argument But when it comes to the nuts and for doing away with it,” she writes in bolts of relationships, what Hax pro- Miss Manners Rescues Civilization. poses sound a lot like, well, rules: Don’t cling, don’t be a doormat, don’t put up UT as Martin points out in with any kind of verbal abuse. And the same book, there would here is what she has to say about pre- be no need for sexual har- marital sex in her new book, Ell Me Killer K& assment laws, for example, if bosses About It: Lying, Sulking, and Getting Fat SHOULDKIDS who commit violent obeyed these two fundamental rules and 56 Other Things Not to Do While crimes be tried as adults?The public of workplace etiquette: A gentleman Looking for Love: “Before anyone’s seems to be coming to the conclusion should “never even seem to notice that pants come off, all women should as- that they should. In 1981, when CBS the colleague he treats in a professional sume they’ll get pregnant and all men News and asked whether minors who are accused of manner is a lady,” and “Pestering a lady should assume the woman will want committing violent crimes should be is ungentlemanly.” There would be no to keep the baby. Everyone can work tried in the same court as adult offend- backward from there.” Does that sound need for campus bans against date-rape ers, 32 percent said they should but 61 if college guys obeyed this fundamental conservative, or what? It is not surpris- percent said they should be tried in a rule of courtship: A gentleman should ing to learn that Hax, for all her pur- juvenile court. never assume that the lady he is with, ported hipness, hails from a traditional When CBS News asked a similar no matter how impulsive her behavior, family, with still-married parents and question in 1998, however, 58 percent “has dispensed with the formality of three sisters, and has been happily mar- said they should be tried in adult courts consenting to what was once consid- ried herself for six years. In other parts and only 28 percent in juvenile court. A ered an act of marriage.” A society of the book, Hax promotes courtesy, Gallup question asked in 2000 found whose members have a strongly in- fairness, kindness, and loyalty to one’s that two-thirds felt that juveniles be- grained sense of formality and symbol- friends. Her message is not unlike that tween the ages of fourteen and seven- ism with regard to other people is a so- of Sally Quinn. teen, who commit violent crimes, should be handled in the criminal jus- ciety of limited government. tice system, and 24 percent said they It is also a society, as the examples N HER INTRODUCTION to The should be given more lenient treatment above indicate, that tends to reinforce Quinn writes: “Just fol- Party, in juvenile courts. One percent volun- fundamentally conservative attitudes low the Golden Rule: ‘Do teered that they should be given tougher toward sexual behavior, a realm in unto others.’ Treat your guests the way treatment; 10 percent had no opinion. which the potential for mistreating you would like to be treated. It‘s as sim- others is ubiquitous. Carolyn Hax, ple as that.” Comparing guidelines for Not Farporn the Tree who writes an advice column for the successful entertaining to a religious under-thirty crowd, “Tell Me About precept sounds overweening, but it’s SHOULDPARENTS be punished for the It,” for the Washington Post, seems on not. That is partly because hospitality sins of their children?Americans seem the surface to be the anti-Miss Man- embodies by its very nature a sacred to want to get tougher with the parents ners: Her style is in-your-face, not f.ux duty to honor and care for our fellow of children who commit crimes with nineteenth century like Martin’s. And human beings. But it is mostly because guns. Around 60 percent told Zogby interviewers that parents should be she purports to be a sworn enemy of the rules of etiquette are the pillars of held legally responsible when a juvenile “Rules girls” Ellen Fein and Sherrie civilized and moral existence. Those commits a crime with a gun. The num- Schneider, whose 1996 book, The who pass on those rules, like Sally bers are even higher if the child used a Rules, advised such old-fashioned hus- Quinn and her fellow etiquette ar- parent’s gun. + band-snagging strategies as not calling biters, are society’s true conservators. + him before he calls you and rehsing to KLErbn Bowman is a residentfellow at the accept offers made after Wednesday for Cbarlotte Allen is a writer living in American Enterprise Institute. Saturday night dates (Hax says it‘s okay Wmbington.

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