A BROTHER’S LOSS: THE IMPACT OF MISCARRIAGE ON AFRICAN AMERICAN MEN

A Thesis Submitted to the Temple University Graduate Board

In Partial Fulfillment Of the Requirements for the Degree MASTER OF ARTS

By Aaron X. Smith January, 2011

Thesis Approval:

Dr. Molefi K. Asante, Thesis Advisor, African American Studies

ABSTRACT

Grand Tour Question  What are the impacts of miscarriage on African American men?

Pettie Tour Question  What are African American malesʼ most effective means of dealing with and healing after experiencing a miscarriage?

Purpose of the Study  To investigate the effects and perceptions of miscarriages in the African American community from the male perspective.  In 2008, my wife and I lost our first child that we were expecting. This experience revealed the degree to which social stigma and gender specific traditions inhibit disclosure, healthy discourse and closure concerning reproductive loss. I plan to utilize historical, social, spiritual and scientific tools to construct a relevant and helpful resource for Black men coping with such a profound loss.

Data Collection  I utilized the extensive resources available in the Social Science Data Library and Paley Library of Temple University.

Implications for Future Study  The research presented provides a platform to test the “Dual construction” method introduced. Testimonials can be compiled through interviews of African American men who have experienced reproductive loss. These recounts could be recorded for a possible documentary on the subject that could exponentially expand the discourse among African American men and the and pressures that they may share. An organization specifically geared towards the needs of African American men as revealed through the findings of this thesis.

Conclusions  The therapeutic truth of candid communication is a much-needed component in the effort to advance the dialogue about miscarriage among African American men. The Dual Construction Method of learning more about the self in order to help rebuild it after traumatic events is a strategy conceived with the needs of African American men in mind. The intellectual, cultural and testimonial fortification that the Dual Construction Method can provide is a foundation that can expand the discourse about miscarriage exponentially. The lost seeds of human procreation must be watered with waves of relevant empowering information as old as the Nile River in order to properly grow and/or be grieved.

ii TABLE OF CONTENTS

ABSTRACT...... ii LIST OF TABLES ...... iv LIST OF FIGURES...... v CHAPTER 1. A BROTHER’S LOSS ...... 1 2. HIS STORY...... 8 3. THE DUAL CONSTRUCTION METHOD...... 20 4. DOCTOR’S ORDERS ...... 29 5. FINDING LIGHT IN OUR DARKNESS...... 34 6. THE MAN THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE ...... 43 7. THE EVOLUTION WILL NOT BE INTERNALIZED...... 54 BIBLIOGRAPHY ...... 60 APPENDIXES A. NATIONAL VITAL STATISTIC REPORTS...... 63 B. THE DUAL CONSTRUCTION METHOD...... 68

LIST OF TABLES (LOT)

PREGNANCY RATES BY AGE: UNITED STATES, 1990-2004 ...... 63

PERCENTAGE OF PREGNANCY BY: UNITED STATES, 1990 AND 2004 ...... 63

PERCENTAGE OF PREGNANCY BY OUTCOME AND RACE AND HISPANIC ORIGIN: UNITED STATES, 2004 64

PREGNANCY RATE BY AGE, RACE, AND HISPANIC ORIGIN OF WOMEN: UNITED STATES, 2004 ...... 64

PREGNANCY, BIRTH, AND ABORTION RATES FOR TEENAGERS 15-17:

UNITED STATES ...... 64

PREGNANCY, BIRTH, AND ABORTION RATES FOR TEENAGERS 18-19:

UNITED STATES ...... 65

TOTAL PREGNANCY RATE BY OUTCOME BY RACE AND HISPANIC ORIGIN: UNITED STATES 1990 AND 2004 ...... 65

PREGNANCY, BIRTH, AND ABORTION RATES FOR MARRIED WOMEN: UNITED STATES, SELECTED YEARS 1990-2006 ...... 66

PERCENTAGE OF TOTAL PREGNANCY RATE ACCOUNTED FOR BY WOMEN UNDER 25, BY RACE AND HISPANIC ORIGIN: UNITED STATES, 1990 AND 2004 ...... 66

PREGNANCY, BIRTH, AND ABORTION RATES FOR MARRIED WOMEN, BY RACE AND HISPANIC ORIGIN: UNITED STATES, 2004...... 66

PREGNANCY, BIRTH, AND ABORTION RATES FOR UNMARRIED WOMEN, BY RACE AND HISPANIC ORIGIN: UNITED STATES, SELECTED YEARS 1990-2006...... 67

PREGNANCY, BIRTH, AND ABORTION RATES FOR UNMARRIED WOMEN, BY RACE AND HISPANIC ORIGIN: UNITED STATES, 2004...... 67

PERCENTAGE DISTRIBUTION OF PREGNANCIES BY OUTCOME BY MARITAL STATUS OF WOMEN: UNITED STATES, 1900, 1995, AND 2004 ...... 67

iv

LIST OF FIGURES (LOF)

THE DUAL CONSTRUCTION METHOD...... 68

v

vi

CHAPTER 1

A BROTHER’S LOSS

Miscarriages and men is a combination as disassociated as oil and water or honesty and politics. The vast majority of scholarship produced on the subject of reproductive loss centers solely on woman and the female perspective. The male experience relating to this often-traumatic experience is seldom conveyed. The Black male perspective surrounding miscarriages is a viewpoint that is practically non-existent according to the research that I have done.

I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to share the details of my loss with a number of teachers and professors in various academic circles. Many of these individuals have read hundreds of books and articles of all types. All of those I had conversations with expressed for the experience I underwent. Some of my instructors empathized and comforted me through open disclosure about their own experiences with miscarriages. Unfortunately, despite their extensive knowledge about a plethora of subjects, none suggested a text that was geared specifically toward the healing of African American men wrestling with the pain and of reproductive loss.

The often traumatic nature of the event itself when coupled with the lack of hard scientific evidence available to thoroughly explain the phenomena help to create an uninviting climate for authors and other academicians. “Miscarriages as far as science can now determine, rarely occur because of what a woman eats or drinks, where she lives and works, or what air she breaths.”1 This , lack of relevant research and overall , further complicates the issue of reproductive loss.

1Jon Cohen, Coming to Term (New York, NY: Houston Mifflin, 2005), 174.

1

There is a true sense of tragic irony associated with my reflective journey through the healing halls of academia. As researchers, teachers and professors we deal extensively with written texts. The publishing of books are often the culmination of years of diligent study and life experiences. In other cases books reflect the life work of a dedicated scholar who sacrifices a great deal to create texts that can inform, inspire, enlighten and entertain. The absence of even the most basic text geared towards men in general, and African American men in particular, surrounding a subject of such magnitude as miscarriage challenged and inspired me.

When a person enters into a physician’s office from a sickness of some type, the doctor often prescribes medication to remedy the medical need in question.

The question of miscarriage however, is one that few doctors specialize in. Some attribute this professional lapse to the pressures surrounding the subject; others suspect economic factors as potential motivators away from this field of study.

Other noneconomic forces similarly dissuade physicians from specializing in miscarriages. They’re frustrating…and it’s a rapidly evolving pseudoscience field which is depressing.2

If you bring a broken heart to a singer, they could possibly prescribe a song to help heal a hurting heart with the medication of melody and the sweet serum of song.

Professionals of many persuasions utilize the tools of their trade to address the needs and situations of those they interact with. As a “patient” patient, journeying through darkness, and despair, my travels led me to one clear question. Where is the literary prescription for Black men who experience a miscarriage? A wise person once said, “When you encounter a problem and can't find the answer...become the solution!”

2Cohen, 180.

2

There are countless books and articles that provide tactics, strategies and methods for women to cope with this devastating loss. One key text that was representative of the overall thrust of many that I encountered was Grieving

Reproductive Loss: The Healing Process, written by Kathleen Gray and Anne

Lassance. This work details the importance of sharing burdens and testimonials.

These reactions to adversity are two that can benefit African American males who often keep their setbacks regarding parental expectancy to themselves instead of reaping the rewards of support groups.

A support group is often one of the few places where bereaved individuals can speak freely of their pain and loss and share with others who understand their loss. Group sharing has been found helpful for parents suffering from a variety of losses: miscarriage, stillbirth…3

The abundant literature attempting to help women heal is understandable considering the obvious fact that they are the ones carrying the child. A fact that I feel has been overlooked however is, the extent to which grieving can be a cooperative process that requires a man to be there to emotionally undergird a woman who, for many, is suffering first hand through the greatest loss of her life. This reality calls for a significant support system and a wealth of available relevant literature that can help strengthen men to a degree that they can catch tears, empathize with inexpressible grief and pick up the pieces of crushed spirits when necessary. The African American community in particular, as a result of their unparallel familial history in the United

States of America requires the necessary tools to support each other when historically that was often all we had.

3 Kathleen Gray and Anne Lassance, Grieving Reproductive Loss: The Healing Process (Amityville, NY: Baywood Publishing Comapny, 2003), 147.

3

Author and Temple University professor Molefi K. Asante provides an alternative to this lack of relational structure as it affects black men (and women) in his writing entitled Black Male and Female Relationships: An Afrocentric Context. Asante’s writing on this subject is found in chapter three of Lawrence E. Gary’s book Black Men. “There is no more perfect way for us to develop our relationships than that derived from our own historical experience.”4 This reality adds another dimension to the importance of the black family and the value of childbirth within this community. “When a child is born, parents take on the role of parent. When that identity is threatened by the child’s death, they are hit at the most basic level. They lose the sense of who they are.”5 This loss of the self is even more impactful when it affects African American men who have often been subjected to systematic efforts to misrepresent who they are as a people. This unfortunate reality is often a catalyst for and that the loss of a child exacerbates. “The of anger is frequently experienced after a loss and although it is a manifestation of normal grief, it is one that bewilders bereaved parents the most.”6

The continued suppression, separation, and marginalization of the black family calls for a unique conversation that can help with an array of sensitive issues while focusing on one of the most challenging, miscarriage.

In this paper I would like to study the effects and perceptions of miscarriages in the African American community from the male perspective. I plan to utilize African centered, historical, spiritual and biological information to construct a relevant and helpful resource for Black men who have suffered this grim reality. This text will be an

4 Molefi K. Asante, "Black Male and Female Relationships: An Afrocentric Context," in Black Men, ed. Lawrence E. Gary (Beverly Hills, CA: Sage Publications, 1981), 77. 5 Gray and Lassance, 82. 6 Ibid., 84.

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emotional mirror for some and a roadmap to normalcy for others who had to say goodbye to children that they never had a chance to hold, who never took their first steps…never lived to say daddy. This work aims to prevent the type of psychological and emotional burn out that is discussed at length in Grieving Reproductive Loss. Gray and Lassance agree that disseminating information about burnout prevention is an effective method of curbing this ever so often subtle stressor. An assessment to help diagnose the symptoms and causes of burnout is one of the most powerful parts of the book. Gray and Lassance urge their readers to,

Identify what is stressful for that particular caregiver. Identify personal and environmental stress factors. Be aware that stress and grief manifestations share common ground since grief, loss, and bereavement are stressful experiences.7

Continuing in this tradition of applicable real world scholarship and the more ancient

African traditions that favor learning by doing, I present this research.

This will be a therapeutic emotional excavation uncovering deep-rooted psychological obstructions to the Black male healing process that stem from historical disconnections, systematic disenfranchisement and the narrow expressive window created by their non-traditional gender role. My personal encounter with this stigmatizing biological phenomenon was the impetus for the creation of this text. On

November 4, 2008, the African American community cried their greatest collective tears of in our history on this continent. Barack Obama had just been elected the first

African American President of the United States of America. As my people rejoiced, I reeled and recoiled from to obfuscation as my wife gradually endured the unthinkable. I received the news of our revolutionized political landscape as my heart

7 Ibid., 173.

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froze from the reality of personal tragedy. My joy was leaving in droplets like sands from a sadistic hourglass that turned minutes into days and weeks into lifeless lifetimes. The world changed that night, in a truly unforgettable way. It wasn’t until November 14th that the painful process was completed (from a biological standpoint at least). Emotionally and psychologically it seems like the natural progression of time had since been re- ordered, because even though time had passed, from time to time I find myself moving in slow motion as the calendar reads November 2008 and the clock spins backwards.

The experience of reproductive loss is unlike any other and virtually impossible to prepare for. Despite the prevalence of police brutality, unemployment and mis- education, no amount of systematic oppression can properly prepare a man for this.

Fathering a child that I lost to miscarriage made me feel impaled by circumstance and crushed by the rigors of harsh realities. Despite the statistical likelihood of a miscarriage occurring, the readily available outlets for Black male disclosure and organizations designed to assist Black Men struggling through the throws of the grieving process are few and far between – if they exist at all.

One in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage;…The grief associated with such reproductive losses is often minimized, denied and considered to be outside the normal ‘grieving rules’ of society. Yet individuals who have suffered these losses can experience profound grief and emotional pain. Their grief needs to be acknowledged not only by themselves but by others as well.8

Many Black men suppress their stress and grief. In a society that often emphasizes capitol, the premium placed on sharing pain is typically very low unless it can contribute to the increase of someone’s bottom line. The unwillingness and/or inability of African American men to let their deepest free have been

8 Cohen, vii.

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attributed to the staggering statistics regarding hypertension, high blood pressure, preventable sickness and premature death.

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CHAPTER 2

HIS STORY

When I lost mine I lost me,

Fully confined by what I was forced to set free.

When I lost mine,

I lost my mind,

Blinded by what I could not see.

When I lost mine,

I was lost in life,

Groping in darkness,

Gripping at grief.

When I lost my child,

My unborn child,

They took some of me…where they went on to be.

8

The reason(s) why many African American men opt to die a slow internal death as opposed to expressing themselves can inspire numerous hypotheses. Many theories regarding this, “me against the world (which sadly includes myself) approach” to problem solving can be linked to issues of and . Author C.S. Lewis explored this link between grief and fear in his inspirational text titled A Grief Observed. “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.”9 The far-reaching effects of the fear and grief combination are evident in much of the behavior of African American men. To a large extent, the lack of balance between introversion and extraversion as it relates to personal pain dictates a considerable portion of the public behavior displayed by many African American men.

Just about everywhere you look you can find evidence of black male suppression and overcompensation. The local bars are not usually filled up with men discussing issues like miscarriages over beers with their buddies. A group discussion about reproductive loss during halftime seems equally as oxymoronic and unlikely. Many African American men do not implement the traditional cultural structures that encourage the forms of sharing that possess the potential to assist in healing the lasting of reproductive loss. Molefi K. Asante discusses how an Afrocentric perspective on interaction can help maximize the benefits of a sound cultural foundation. Asante affirms,

There are four aspects of Afrocentric relationships: sacrifice, inspiration, vision and victory. Sacrifice means that each partner is willing to give up certain aspects of himself or herself for the advancement of the people…Inspiration does not come from the sky; it comes from active thought and interaction…Nothing can substitute for the visionary experience; it is the galvanizing element that keeps the relationship on track. To be able to ask, “Do you see”? and to be assured that

9 C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed (New York, NY: Bantam Books, 1961), 1.

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your partner does see the same vision that you see provides a sense of communion…Afrocentric is victorious. A celebration of ourselves, our aspirations, and our achievements accompanies the victorious aspect of a relationship.10

These efforts to reconnect African American men (beyond the apparent evolution represented by their recently hyphenated status) to a victorious African centered consciousness are necessary to counter the popular perception. There is something culturally paradoxical about the fundamental conceptualization of manhood being diametrically opposed to honest expression within the full spectrum of the human experience.

This troubling reality is exponentially exaggerated in the African American community where a certain degree of detachment and suppression is often employed as a means of survival. The preponderance of police brutality, psychologically destructive revisionist history and rampant capitalism place many African American males in an adversarial context in relation to the larger society. When those who are systematically deputized to serve and protect the citizens of this nation have proven to be one of the most divisive and demonic forces opposing the struggles for black liberation (which begins in the black mind and is predicated upon the stability of the black family) trust issues appear to be inevitable. When your ancestors were the first hot stock ever sold on Wall Street your perception (even if only on a subconscious level) of capitalism and in this tumultuous economic system may be negatively affected as a result.

Research has linked the disruption of Black families to several historical periods…Slavery sabotaged Black relationships in that slave owners often viewed Black men as virile and promiscuous…Historians disagree as to how many slave families were separated by their owners. Slave relationships, however,

10 Asante, 82.

10

were disrupted by selling and trading of slaves, the awarding of slaves as prizes in lotteries, and the wagering of slaves at gambling tables...11

When your people’s incomparable contributions to humanity are consistently omitted, misrepresented or appropriated by those who often manipulate power to your developmental detriment, who do you turn to? When more men are given life from a bias legal system than from the miracles of biology a unique perspective on birth, existence and miscarriage is often developed.

This precarious racial and political position creates a need for specified solutions that address the grim realities of reproductive loss. This potential prescription for personal pain must acknowledge the anger and confusion that a history of wrestling with hypocrisy and has created. A diagnostic disconnect occurs between African

American men and many other segments of society when the elements of anger and societal hypocrisy are not adequately acknowledged. Many African American men become experts on institutionalized racism based on the history of their people and their personal encounters with racially motivated injustices. Entering a miscarriage into these daunting equations can cause in cataclysmic psychological ramifications.

“Parents who have suffered the tragic death of a child have not only experienced the loss of the child but also the loss of part of themselves, the loss of a future life with that child, the loss of and dreams as well as the collapse of their assumptive world.”12

Historically, African Americans have experienced the collective loss of their world as millions of us were miscarried away from the precious womb of our mother continent,

Africa. Families were immediately torn apart and this consistent systematic destruction

11 Erma Jean Lawson and Aaron Thompson, Black Men and Divorce: Understanding Families (Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications, 1999), 9. 12 Gray and Lassance, x.

11

of the black family has persisted for centuries and continues in ever evolving ways even today. The tumultuous familial history of African and African American people contributes to the stigma typically associated with many sensitive family issues within the community. The enslavement of African people left many painful reminders of colonization and subjugation. Miscarriages fit uncomfortably into an atrocious legacy of rape, castration and the emasculation of African and African American men. The effects of the cultural dislocation caused by this demonic legacy reverberate throughout every aspect of black family tragedies. A particularly troubling combination of factors gives birth to a mix of misplaced aggression, suppressed and overcompensation.

Many of the symptoms that reflect the African American male’s traumatic history and precarious place in American society are a result of a lack of knowledge.

The admonishment to “know thyself” is one that has traveled with us from the pyramid walls to our present pitfalls. Author Na’im Akbar discusses the crucial nature of knowledge and self-awareness in his book entitled Visions for Black Men. Akbar explains,

Knowledge is the key to getting where we need to go. The human being is actually transformed by what he knows, not passively by just potential. The human being is transformed by where his mind goes not where his body goes…the human being is transformed by his thinking.13

Akbar projects a perception of knowledge and self-awareness that can change a person’s outlook on their situation as well as themselves. This ability to find strength in knowing is utilized by many who experience tragedy as a coping mechanism in the face of extreme grief. When a miscarriage occurs some find solace in learning every detail about the reproductive process as a means to gain a sense of intellectual control over

13 Na'im Akbar, Visions for Black Men (Tallahassee, FL: Mind Productions & Associates, 1992), 2.

12

circumstances that may otherwise seem beyond their comprehension. Details about all the factors that cause, influence and impact miscarriages as well as the biological details of women’s reproductive organs give some a sense of stability.

Author Jon Cohen describes these details in his informative work Coming to

Term: Uncovering the Truth about Miscarriage. Cohen writes, “From the start life dodges death. At the five month mark a female fetus will have produced all the eggs that she will carry during her lifetime."14 The process of arming oneself with knowledge is one that has been of much benefit to African American men who have been the consistent victims of revisionist history and misinformation campaigns. This delusional and trivial mindset that plagues many black men in their attempts to rear strong, sound, familial institutions, also negatively impacts their adjustment to tragic losses like miscarriage.

A to remain in a state of what Na’im Akbar refers to as “maleness”15 as opposed to maturing to the natural state of manhood plays a crucial part in our lack of desire to confront our about reproductive loss. Akbar describes maleness as

“…a mentality dictated by appetite and physical determinants. This mentality is one guided by instincts, urges, or feelings.”16 For many African American men, what is defined by others as immaturity and laziness is often a defense mechanism utilized for survival under the consistent attacks on their and consciousness waged by unjust institutions. The parental paradox of being economically restricted in a capitalistic society, being seemingly invisible until you fit a description according to law enforcement and being constantly feared yet consistently imitated can create

14 Cohen, 18. 15 Akbar, 3. 16 Ibid., 3.

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psychological instability in many African American males. Akbar credits the influence of these types of factors for the reason why so many black men are socially stagnated to a level that they persist to behave like boys. This developmental crisis impacts the way in which adults who behave like children respond to losing children of their own. Akbar expresses the condition thusly,

An example of a boy who is arrested in his development is one who has paid more for his stereo system than he has paid for the books on his shelf. A boy is the adult who has more colored lights and party space than he has study space or work space in his home. You are a boy when you pay more for your liquor than for your food. When your view of women is exclusively of someone to satisfy your various needs, then you are a boy.17

In order to reach a place where the proper healing can lead to productive degrees of closure we must reach a maturity level that reflects our chronological age. However when this non-traditional, age of maturity is reached it is necessary to have structures in place to properly address the needs of those mature men who are under duress due to reproductive loss.

The option for potentially positive outlets in which to express the experience of encountering these realities is perceived as practically non-existent for far too many

African American males. One of the only places the masses of African American men can gather to honestly discuss issues that specifically pertain to them and their perspective has traditionally been the local barbershop. The barbershop has served as social worker, sports bar, political round table, information desk, comedy club and local five and dime for generations. The all-inclusive one stop shop nature of this institution is significantly compounded by the degree to which black men have been consistently excluded from mainstream participation in the larger society. Without the ability to

17 Akbar, 9.

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engage completely as average American citizens with very different historical narratives often do, institutions that move African American men from the margin to the middle

(church, sports teams, barbershops) tend to take on levels of exaggerated importance as a result. This overcompensation that stems from disenfranchisement and marginalization impacts every aspect of African American life. Miscarriages are no exception.

The history of African American men in this country involves struggling against being reduced and restricted to a rigid set of stereotypes that obstruct many people’s ability to ever appreciate the natural complexities and nuances of African American lives. As stated earlier in the quote about the effects of slavery on the black family, a prominent conceptual sarcophagus that serves to devour the developmental potential of the African American mind is the idea of the black man as only valued for virility. This narrow destructive description was perpetuated at all levels of white society. “The liberal statesman, Thomas Jefferson crystallized the perception of Whites about black men’s inability to sustain relationships. He suggested that Black men posses a profound sexual desire rather than a ‘tender mixture of sentiment and sensation.’”18

This one dimensional, purely carnal classification has a dual, destructive effect on the minds of African American man dealing with reproductive loss. As your non- sexual/reproductive gifts are minimized by the skewed outlook on your usefulness, the very thing that you are often valued for the most (your sexual potency) is being called into question by the crude cross examination of circumstance.

In order to effectively address this unique predicament a variety of steps should be taken to regain the proper balance that allows for maximum benefits to be received

18 Lawson and Thompson, 9.

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from all aspects of one’s personal healing process. The first step is acknowledgement.

A sincere recognition of the existence of this negative socially constructed quantification of the black man is necessary to begin to engage in other productive measures of mending. It is also helpful to take a look at how these conceptualizations of adulthood and fatherhood are transferred from one generation to the next. Many professionals determine that the generational transfer of problematic principles and inadequate methods of problem solving are evidence of the Social learning theory.

Social learning theory emphasizes how individuals develop appropriate behaviors through observation and imitation of models…Although there is little research on how Black men learn to be fathers, the men in this study believed that their children would imitate them and would resemble the same-sex parent more than the other parent. Thus, they reported that being a positive role model was significant and important to the development of their children.19

This theory can shed some light on how African American men learn/inherit their methods of grieving. The ability to shift these more popular paradigms into the less spoken of arena of reproductive loss can help to bring this much needed conversation into the mainstream. Psychologists often refer to the interrelatedness of past traumatic experiences to current responses to difficult circumstances. For this reason it is imperative that individuals examine their own painful pasts in addition to historical trauma suffered on a local, national and international level by black people. This relationship with hurt often plays out uniquely in African American men.

The blessing of childbirth is one of the most life affirming gifts that a man can experience. Throughout our time in America, becoming a father and maintaining the basic needs of a family have been viewed as major accomplishment. A man named

19 Lawson and Thompson, 175.

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Eric who was interviewed for the book Black Men and Divorce discussed how his father persevered in order to fill the role of provider.

Eric realized that his father had very few choices as a Black man growing up in the 1920’s and 1930’s. Eric could respect him for surviving the brutality of segregation and sticking by his family. He said, ‘My old man paid his bills on time and had managed to keep the refrigerator full of food and a roof over the heads of five kids. That was a monumental task during his time, when a number of Black men were being lynched.’ Becoming a father often provides men with feelings of , presence and purpose.20

The pride of being capable to create life, the experience of feeling present in an unforgettable moment, accompanied by a reinforced sense of purpose to provide and care for one’s offspring is truly momentous. The rewards of a successful delivery and the expectations for such intense pleasurable emotions can provide an even greater descent into pain and in the event that a miscarriage occurs. Many black men are forced to work extra hard to achieve levels of pride, presence and purpose that often come far easier to their counterparts from other racial groups.

This theme of overcompensation and disproportionate opposition to their pursuit of can often result in the creation of an emotional/spiritual void within a man attempting to cope with the loss of a child. This can create a deafening soul shattering silence, ironically echoing around hardened hearts that beat louder and louder with each we suppress and every tear withheld as an all too often stoic, protective posture becomes a personal prison of painful repression. The pain addressed by this strenuously acute acoustic metaphor is discussed in the book titled

Living With Dying: A Loving Guide For Family And Close Friends, by David Carroll. In a section of this book labeled “Caring for a Dying Child” Caroll offers a lengthy list of “Do’s

20 Ibid., 161.

17

and Don’ts” when dealing with parents who have suffered the death of a child. Some of the more helpful points discussed in this list include,

Do let your genuine concern and caring show. Do be available…to listen, to run errands, to help with the other children. Do say that you are sorry about what happened to their child and about their pain. Do allow them to express as much grief as they are feeling at the moment and are willing to share. Do allow them to talk about the child they have lost as much and as often as they want to.21

These are just some of the many helpful bits of information that is offered throughout this text. It is often necessary to spell out advice for tragic situations prior to the event of experiencing the actual tragedy. Despite certain points on this list that some people may perceive as elementary in nature, some portions of Carroll’s advice appear to be geared toward overcoming the shock and denial often associated with grief. Through these very limited yet plainly stated antidotes the author is seeking to shine a brilliant light of clarity through the stifling fog of confusion that intense pain can bring. At this unfortunate depth, even the opportunity for internal dialogue can be suffocated in .

The need to handle situations of this magnitude with increased care is extremely vital. A well meaning family member or friend who seeks to be a shoulder to lean or cry on can run the risk of intensifying the very pain they long to heal if they lack the proper consideration and information. For this reason Carroll includes his lengthy portion of the list explaining what not to do when dealing with a parent who has lost a child. Some of these forbidding aspects of the list include,

Don’t avoid them because you are uncomfortable (being avoided by friends add pain to an already intolerably painful experience. Don’t say you know how they feel (unless you’ve lost a child yourself, you probably don’t know how they feel). Don’t point out

21 David Carroll, Living With Dying: A Loving Guide For Family And Close Friends (New York , NY: Paragon House, 1991), 210.

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that at least they have their other children (children are not interchangeable; they cannot replace each other). Don’t say that they can always have another child (even if they wanted to and could, another child would not replace the child they’ve lost).22

There is a very genuine sense of tragic irony for African American men who struggle with traumatic circumstances while they are expected to be pillars of strength for loved ones who are in need of such support. Men of every racial distinction experience similarly precarious paradoxes concerning their charge to be pillars in pain. The difference in the case of many black men engaged in similar struggles are defined by the pain many already live with on a daily basis as a result of their strained relationship with the larger society. The seemingly unavoidable dark emotional corner that joins the walls of circumstance and society keep countless African American men groping for answers and peace of mind without the much needed light of self-knowledge and self- expression.

I am for the acquiring of knowledge or the accumulating of knowledge – as we call it; education. First, my people must be taught the knowledge of self. Then and only then will they be able to understand others and that which surrounds them…the lack of knowledge of self is a prevailing condition among my people here in America.23

Elijah Muhammad delivered this Message to the Blackman in America in 1965 and it still resonates with the young African American men of today. Whether the issue is a miscarriage or a miscarriage of justice the value of self-knowledge remains indispensable.

22 Carroll, 211. 23 Elijah Muhammad, Message to the Blackman in America (Chicago, IL: Muhammad's Temple No. 2, 1965), 39.

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CHAPTER 3

THE DUAL CONSTRUCTION METHOD

A great deal of writing that has been done on the subject(s) of black people and black life has contributed to the African American male’s misunderstanding of themselves and the true causes of their current condition.

Literature concerning black relationships written by white authors (Moynihan, 1965 and Kardiner and Ovesey, 1951) tends to perpetuate black difference within the deficit model. Implications from their studies tend to portray black people as inferior or less than persons of the majority culture, feeding into a model that assumes that a difference means a deficit. 24

This level of intellectual misrepresentation/misdirection complicates many aspects of black life that deal with healing. Unique and complex variables call for a proposed solution that adequately addresses the structure in the African American struggle.

I theorize that a dual construction approach will be the most effective method of repairing the confidence and consciousness of men who have been torn apart or completely toppled when they are sidelined by exceptionally challenging events. This two-pronged approach will focus equal amounts of attention on helping the afflicted achieve an empowering grasp of their unfortunate circumstance while gaining a greater understanding of themselves. Through this dual directive, the spiritual and psychological pillars that support those who have suffered devastating losses are fortified. The overall goal is to rebuild men that have been impacted, torn apart or psychologically toppled when sidelined by exceptional circumstances. Utilizing the dual

24 Constance E. Obudho, Black Marriage and Family Therapy (Santa Barbara, CA: Greenwood Press, 1983), 18.

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construction method can guide African American men through the grieving process step by step.

A solid cultural and historical foundation that undergirds a sound social strategy to work through the grieving process can prove to be extremely transformative to reactions and people involved with a miscarriage, directly and indirectly. From the cornerstone of conception to the capstone of closure the dual construction method creates a progressive pyramid that can elevate African American men to new levels of endurance and character in light of adversity. A simply cultural or a solely biological remedy cannot properly address the holistic needs of African American men who's larger community is often in crisis as it relates to a number of societal concerns. The multifaceted holistic approach to problem solving is in line with the African/early African

American ideas of community, cooperation and holistic methodologies.

This interconnected outlook is a far cry from the intellectual fragmentation and xenophobia that many African American men have been reared to operate according to.

This intellectual indoctrination is a result of the Eurocentric foundation of the western education system. In order to reach the emotional aspects of the loss of a child (that is often buried deep in the hearts of African American would be fathers) the logical, historical, scientific road is often the shortest route to this delicate destination. In many ways the progressive layers that compromise the dual construction method, mirror the layers of denial, defensiveness and doubt that prevent many African American men from finding closure.

One of the more immediate remedies for profound personal pain of this type comes from dispelling the false sense of uniqueness that can accompany reproductive

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loss. Many men immediately spiral through an array of emotions ranging from denial to rage after the loss of a child. This sense of reeling can often give way to feelings of while a man wrestles with the reality of this most trying situation. Through an in-depth understanding of African/African Americans history of struggle, our collective challenges and setbacks can be placed in a perspective that allows people in pain to begin to see the bigger, often more peaceful, picture. This increased opportunity for peaceable interactions with the facts of African history result from the anchoring of an historical identity. Being rooted in truth enables one to weather the storm of harsh realities from our centuries’ long struggle.

The peculiarities of Africans’ existence over the past 400 years, due to enslavement and colonization, have distorted in critical ways the perceptions and perspectives of African history. History is always about ancestors, their lives, their failures, their successes, their behaviors, their cultural institutions, their deeds, political, economic and social. In the case of African history our ancestors are often been without clear and audible voices of their own.25

The fruits of bold intellectualism trump the sweetness of blissful ignorance any day of the week!

A sense of self-awareness is garnered from an increased genealogical and cultural perspective that assists in the healing process. Self-awareness enables men to utilize their personal enlightenment in a way that can help create light at the end of many traumatic tunnels. This combination of legacies and lessons can serve as a lamp that may also illuminate the shadowed spirit and the suffering soul. The age-old misconceptions about how men should deal with pain are critical components to the improvement of the African American man’s grieving process. Ideas such as real men

25 Molefi Kete Asante, The History of Africa: The Quest for Eternal Harmony (New York, NY: Routledge Publishing, 2007), 1.

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don’t cry and that only women should spend time pouring their hearts out about things that trouble them contribute to the difficulty in dealing and healing among men who suppress secret stresses. Many African American men suffer from a grave misinterpretation of what it means to be a father and even what it means to be a man in many instances.

The definition of fatherhood has changed dramatically in the past 30 years (Frustenberg, 1988; Griswold, 1993; Marsiglio, 1995). The public discourse on fathering has been reinforced by the parents’ household division labor debate, children’s public policy issues, and decreased marital permanence…Cultural images of fathers have been shaped by dichotomies of good dad/bad dad fathers (Furstenberg, 1988)…Race and social class the differentiation of good dad/bad dad fathers (Marsiglio 1993.)26

There are many racially charged overtones that are often exaggerated and/or uniquely impact African American men who suffer a miscarriage. This could be the result of centuries of oppression, a shortage of positive role models, stereotypes, broken homes, laziness or a number of other factors. Nevertheless, many of these motivating factors appear to disproportionately impact the African American community. Men of every race often wrestle with the parental paradox of showing love while restricting displays of emotion when dealing with their families and themselves. The process of packing one’s emotions into an internal powder keg can create volatile conditions that can lead to depression, disease, disruption and a disillusioned disconnection from reality resulting from denial.

There are numerous benefits that can result from penning pain, promise and potential. The ability of those who undergo traumatic experiences to communicate their feelings surrounding reproductive losses can often be a daunting task. Many men are challenged to overcome social obstructions that are often based on racially specific

26 Lawson and Thompson, 157.

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stereotypes that often discourage the communication of emotions that are essential to the healing process. For African American men who are wrestling with these emotional obstacles and the weight of their present condition writing can be a profoundly productive medium through which healing can take place. Many African American men believe that writing down emotions is not for them as a result of their perceptions concerning race and gender. This perspective can be attributed to the lack of knowledge that many black men have regarding their ancient and more recent past. A prime example of an exalted writer in Ancient African history that could potentially refine this limited perspective can be found in the story of Djehuti.

The Neteru (aspect of the divine being) who represents Neter’s (the divine being) infinite wisdom and knowledge is Djehuti. He takes the role of scribe in many Kemetic paintings. He is said to have created Metu Neter (hieroglyph) and other languages to aid humans in developing civilizations…Djehuti is also a record- keeper on Neter. He keeps track of your deeds in life and records the results of the final judgment.27

Understanding how this male aspect of the divine is revered in African culture may inspire African American men to feel more comfortable with writing their feelings as they begin to view such documentation as a natural part of their historical and cultural story.

There are many potential benefits to organizing and/or releasing your personal pain and emotions onto paper. Many people find this process to be extremely therapeutic. To keep feelings about issues like miscarriage bottled up inside can prove to be very problematic, both psychologically and physically. Famed Harlem

Renaissance author, Langston Hughes notoriously inquired about the fate of a dream deferred during the Harlem Renaissance. Hughes asked, “What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up? Like a raisin in the sun? Or fester like a sore--And then run?

27 Ancient Egypt, www.ancient-egypt.org (accessed April 12, 2010).

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Does it stink like rotten meat? Or crust and sugar over like a syrupy sweet? Maybe it just sags like a heavy load. Or does it explode?”28 The lasting relevance of this powerful pondering prose begs the logical pressing question. If a dream deferred is at risk of detrimental detonation, what are the potential problems presented by the suppression of a nightmare? The literary letting of stress, confusion and pain can inspire potential change and help to avoid some of the societal stigmas that can stifle free expression concerning issues of the heart. The pen can often help to achieve levels of honest expression and personal reflection that the mouth is incapable of reaching.

The healing potential of writing is well established…dreams, hopes, traumas and losses can be expressed through writing, which has cognitions and emotions, and has psychological as well as health benefits…The incorporation of writing in therapy in general (which is referred to as expressive writing), and in grief therapy in particular has become widespread, and is applied in a number of ways.29

Some powerful methods of utilizing writing as a means of mending broken spirits include, poetry, documenting future plans and diary entries. Encapsulating your views on paper allows you as a writer to revisit the event at a later date from a leveraged vantage point that can help provide power over temporary pain and closure to an aching soul. Rereading your writings about your reactions to your loss allows you the opportunity to figuratively and literally face your . The retrospective aspect of revisiting snapshots of one’s struggle can help to place an otherwise paralyzing moment into its proper passing perspective. These tools can prove effective in placing the

28 Dream Deferred by Langston Hughes, http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/dream-deferred (accessed April 24, 2010). 29 Ruth Malkinson, Cognitive Grief Therapy: Constructing a Rational Meaning to Life Following Loss (New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company, 2007),163.

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magnitude of the situation onto paper and off of the hearts and shoulders of the men who face these challenges.

Another form of healing can be achieved simultaneously by those who benefit from the sincerity and candidness of your written testimony. Death in any form is more often than not a shared experience with overall societal implications. “Death is not only deeply tragic to people as the negation of life of a dear one; it also is disruptive to the ongoing rhythm of society. If life is a socially created reality, then so much more should death be tackled as a devastation to social life.”30 The ripple effect of death related grief can be powerfully countered by a collective rising tide of free expression and cooperation. As others are led through your personal account and permitted to experience your pain, pressure, potential and perseverance they may be vicariously repaired through the completeness of your recount. Being a blessing to someone else through your disclosure and being empowered by your ability to help heal by properly harnessing your hurt creates a reciprocal relationship with numerous beneficial returns.

Sharing your personal perspective on your previously private pain can help to provide a sense of sanity and stability while providing promise to others who are feeling trapped in loneliness and confusion.

One of the most impactful strategies that may be implemented to combat the negative energies that can lead many into downward psychological spirals is a firm understanding that you are not alone in your struggles to find peace. Dispelling this faulty sense of uniqueness is an important first step toward facing your present and planning for a productive future. It can prove to be extremely beneficial to know that the

30 Hiroshi Obayashi, Death and Afterlife: Perspectives of World Religions (New York, NY: Praeger Publishing, 1992), xi.

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type of pain that you are experiencing is not unique to yourself and that others have been forced to face and blessed to persevere beyond similarly daunting circumstances.

Seeing a living example of victory over adversary can be the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel and sunlight through the eye of a storm that many search for when at their lowest points in life. Through proper inspirational models a person can be motivated to better define their very existence in a way that makes healing more feasible. “Life requires not merely an ‘escape’ but meaning if it is to be fulfilled.”31

Traumatic events can often make people feel as though time has stopped and that they have been trapped in a difficult stage. This type of response to extreme pain can produce a psychological paralyses that can allow; time, opportunity and even life itself to pass people by. Placing the emotional impact of a miscarriage in a more realistic chronological context through documentation can help to prevent the destructive overemphasis on pressures and pain and turn proper attention toward the promise of tomorrow. Suppression and denial can lead to depression, disease and self destructive behavior including suicide.

In the United States in 2000 over 29,000 people took their own lives (Minino, et al., 2002) and, as statistical summaries indicate, males are more likely to kill themselves and females are more likely to attempt suicide and survive…More importantly, even the most highly trained and skilled clinical professionals cannot accurately identify ever person who is suicidal, and they definitely do not prevent the death of every suicidal person.32

In order to avoid negative extremes be certain not to let obstacles become obsession. It is also important to remember that after you write it release it. This adage is in no way meant to imply a denial or minimization of the trying event that is a miscarriage. It is

31 J. Deotis Roberts, Liberation and Reconciliation: A Black Theology, 2nd (Louisville, KY: Westminster John Knox Press, 2005), 55. 32 Richard G. Tedeschi and Lawrence G. Calhoun, Helping Bereaved Parents: A Clinician's Guide (New York, NY: Brunner-Routledge Publishing, 2004), 102-4.

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simply designed to encourage men in need and remind them, when they write it, release it. Literary liberation can ease the pain, confusion, resentment, anger and insecurity that trying times can bring. Letting go of the negative and unproductive aspects of a situation that tend to dominate the immediate physical plain can often make way for a more spiritual focus.

They are seeking to redefine their spirituality, now challenged by loss…Spirituality is a difficult concept to define. First it needs to be distinguished from religion. The latter refers to an organized set of beliefs or dogma shared by a defined group. Spirituality is broader than that…This means that humans-driven by an ability to think, feel, and decide-seek to attribute meaning to their world and life.33

Altering your attention away from the physical and the finite, while shifting concentration towards more lasting spiritual outlooks can help free you from the present pain of the physical world.

33 Jeffrey Kauffman, Loss of the Assumptive World: A Theory of Traumatic Loss (New York, NY: Brunner-Routledge), 49-50.

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CHAPTER 4

DOCTOR’S ORDERS

The doctor told me about my baby,

My baby to be, my baby,

The Doctor told me; my baby,

Would not meet me; my baby

Who I was waiting for,

Who I adored way before…

The Doctor told me about my baby.

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A great deal of people’s , stress, depression and contention can be linked to the psychological aspects of their personal perspectives regarding adversity. The way in which a person view and value their place and purpose in the world also play a major role in determining their potential reactions to hardships. A powerful tool for black men to utilize in order to persevere through the pain of a miscarriage involves the adoption of a more selfless perspective on the events that impact your life. When you are focused solely on yourself, your pain, your problems you run the risk of falling victim to a stagnating narrowness of vision. A psychological setback stemming from this type of thinking is commonly known as a self-defeating evaluation.

Following traumatic events, people tend to have some self- defeating (irrational) evaluations of the event and also self- defeating evaluations about their disturbed emotions (secondary symptom)…The human tendency to think irrationally often reaches a peak following a death event, because bereaved individuals think that the death should not have happened or that it is too painful to withstand (Ellis, 1976, 1994b).34

This unfortunate occurrence can lead you to lose sight of the bigger living picture that extends far beyond the needs and emotions of the individual.

It is critically important to focus energy and efforts away from pain and negative thoughts in order to move to a more positive and peaceful place. African American men who are dealing with the strain of reproductive loss can often find solace in being of assistance to others who are struggling with emotional issues of their own. Being of service to others can help pave the rocky road that extends from victimization to victory by transferring energies away from personal pressure towards persons in need. This basic reality broadens the perspective of those who are blessed to be a blessing to

34 Ruth Malkinson, Simon Rubin and Eliezer Witztum, , Traumatic and Nontraumatic Loss and Bereavement: Clinical Theory and Practice, ed. Ruth Malkinson, Simon Rubin and Eliezer Witztum (Madison, CT: Psychosocial Press, 2000), 179.

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others and often encourages a reassessment of the self-image. Once you extend your by extending yourself the necessary process of image transformation through an immediate redefinition of the self through social action. In an instant a person can break free from the victim title and begin to enjoy the humble exhalation of the wonderful role of a servant. Through this selfless process of service the self is often ironically best served. This can begin as a purely altruistic endeavor and can gradually begin to become a reciprocal relationship when you begin to reap the rewards of gracious giving.

These opportunities for redefinition begin as an idea in the hearts and minds of men.

The potential of intention and positive thoughts are key tools in the reconstruction of

African American men who fumble in the mental rubble at the ground zero of grief.

“Some of the techniques which might be employed to assist in that reconstruction, using a cognitive/behavioural approach, are identified by McLeod (2003: 138-9).”35 These techniques include:

 “Reframing a faulty perspective by challenging the concepts used to describe a situation, for example, regarding a problem as a challenge.

 Testing out new statements about self in real situations, for example, by going into feared situations which would ordinarily be avoided.

36  Quantifying feelings of anxiety, fear, anger etc. on a scale of 0 to 10.”

The decision to exist beyond the troubling confines of your current situation can help to heal, coping through communication. This valuable principal of looking beyond the present and the physical is often applied in situations that many African Americans face when dealing with the penal institutions throughout the United States. The predatory nature of the United States prison system as it relates to African American men oddly

35 Linda Machin, Working with Loss and Grief (Los Angeles, CA: Sage Publications, 2009), 65. 36 Machin, 65.

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illustrate useful lessons and peculiar parallels to many other personal struggles that black men face, including miscarriages.

One of the most direct impacts of the penal institution on black life is economic.

Monies that may otherwise be spent on programs and institutions that are dedicated to strengthening the black family are funneled into the prison industrial complex. The privatization of prisons and the lucrative nature of incarceration has created a destructive dynamic where it has become more profitable to house than to heal.

The Federal Bureau of Prisons alone received 4.3 billion dollars in Fiscal Year 2001 for prison facilities nationwide, and the next year proposed spending 1 billion for prison construction not counting the respective states expenditures on prisons and prison building (Texas alone spends 2.5 billion dollars a year on prisons).37

In addition to these economic concerns, a disparity regarding sentencing also plays a significant role in how African American men relate to the larger system and society and how comfortable they may be trusting institutions. Black men are disproportionately sentenced to longer jail terms than their white counterparts who are arrested for committing equivalent offenses. When many of these individuals are subjected to the confinement of a cold, stark jail cell they are often motivated to create necessary coping mechanisms as a psychological strategy for survival. Many African American men who have had experiences with institutions of incarceration are forced to adopt the elevated understanding that involves visualization beyond the current situation as a means to survive life in the penitentiary. It is often reminded in these circles that they can lock your body but they cannot trap your mind. Others find comfort in hearing advice like,

“do the time but don’t let the time do you.”

37 Demico Boothe, Why Are So Many Black Men in Prison? (Memphis , TN: Full Surface Publishing, 2007), 11.

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This mind over matter paradigm and others like it can be shifted to assist African

American men working through the psychological prisons that can bind men who suffer the loss of an unborn child. The situation that you are facing as a man who went from being an expecting father to a mourning one can create instant psychological and spiritual shackles. Even African American men who have never been incarcerated can utilize the fruits of the hard lessons learned by their convicted peers. Those who found a balance throughout their prison term and discovered liberation despite their circumstance can provide very useful inspiration for African American men who struggle with all types of adversity. The relative relationship between the elapsing of time and emotional trauma is discussed at length in the book titled The Paradox of Loss: Toward a Relational Theory Of Grief, written by Marilyn McCabe. In this informative work

McCabe explains,

The griever’s experience of time and memory are central concerns when considering this relationship…The more time elapses, the theory goes, the closer the griever should be to completing his or her grief work…In traumatic experience, events in memory may have a strikingly different feel than events as they are perceived in real, or clock time.38

Those who suffer the weight of reproductive loss can tap into other avenues of optimism in order to be released from the figurative jail cells that plague their brain cells.

38 Marilyn McCabe, The Paradox of Loss: Toward a Relational Theory Of Grief (Santa Barbara, CA: Praeger Publications, 2003), 6.

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CHAPTER 5

FINDING LIGHT IN OUR DARKNESS

Struggling Searching,

Struggling to find sense in the presence of absence,

Searching the unseen for peace,

The return of a gift that was never received.

My rage…on the world unleashed

A chapter that ended before it began,

Without lines to read in-between.

No tears of joy, new girl or boy,

Just silence and internal screams.

Ironically, my pain became clear,

When what I never saw disappeared.

If an answer exists please tell me where,

Struggling, searching, rage, tears.

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It is of critical importance that African American men adopt a non-traditional definition of the historically masculine provider/protector role in order to maintain their own focus and psychological stability while remaining capable of supporting the women they endure potential parental hardships with.

The typical idea of physical protection remains a factor although it is prioritized far beneath the responsibility of guarding the heart of women who experience reproductive loss. The impact of a miscarriage on the African American man in this regard is significant. Likewise, the dominant concept of provision (finance/sustenance) is temporarily overshadowed by the need for emotional encouragement and moral support. The importance of emotional stabilizing cannot be understated in light of the possible trauma that can result from a lack of proper support.

Supportive behaviors by others have proved to be therapeutic both for grief (Marris 1991) and for trauma resolution (Nader et al., 1990) Traumatic detachment; estrangement, a sense of aloneness, or the complications of the post-traumatic situation may thwart or prevent therapeutic interactions…An inability to benefit from the support of others may be a part of post event decision making and/or of age variables.39

It is far more important in these instances to remain more focused on what you must become rather than on the unfortunate nature of what has occurred. Do not become destructively fixated on daunting circumstances to the degree in which you miss opportunities to be supported and begin to heal and overcome. African American men must realize that these forms of assistance are not a female or a white thing, rather a necessary means of emotional encouragement during periods of bereavement.

The evidence suggests that everybody needs support, reassurance, and some education and information following bereavement. This may be provided by family, friends, or clergy

39 Charles R. Figley, Brian E. Bride and Nicholas Mazza, , Death and Trauma: The Traumatology of Grieving , ed. Charles R. Figley, Brian E. Bride and Nicholas Mazza (Washington, DC: Taylor & Francis, 1997), 25.

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in an informal way, by laypeople in similar circumstances, by a community support group, or by health professionals.40

Wherever you derive support from, what is most important is that you receive it.

One of the simplest and most effective methods of dealing with the impacts of miscarriage on African American males is to talk about it. This technique may seem fairly elementary to many, though it is often an option that is tragically under-utilized.

Similar to the benefits of writing down feelings and thoughts surrounding your challenging event, it can be equally therapeutic to discuss your emotional and psychological journey with a trusted listener. This cooperative cornerstone is one that I coined as coping through communication. The added bonus of receiving feedback from those you communicate with provides a dimension of balance and reciprocity (Ma’at) that is not present in the rebuilding through writing techniques discussed previously.

Ma’at was the personification of the fundamental order of the universe, without which all of creation would perish…Ma’at represents the ideal of law, order and truth. The word Ma’at translates “that which is straight.” It implies anything that is true, ordered, or balanced. She was the female counterpart of Thoth (Djehuti).41

Principles of Ma’at relate directly to the issue of reproductive loss in that miscarriages are unpredictable phenomena in nature that is comprised of an order of events that push many to face difficult truths.

The documentation strategy, however, can often provide a private personal touch that allows for a level of introspection and intimacy that most conversations do not possess. The varied strengths of the numerous techniques present within this text display the need for African American men who are searching for answers, peace and

40 William E. Piper, Mary McCallum and Hassan F. A. Azim, , Adaptation to Loss Through Short- Term Group Psychotherapy, ed. William E. Piper, Mary McCallum and Hassan F. A. Azim (New York, NY: Guilford Publications, Inc., 1992), 30. 41 Egypt, http://www.touregypt.net/godsofegypt/maat.htm (accessed April 2010, 10).

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closure to be open to implementing an array of possible methods of finding their way home from the twisted maze of misfortune and miscarriage. This return can be assisted by an optimistic openness to new ideas and ways of healing. It is in the best of those working through these hardships to go beyond the limitations of what they have done in the past. The uniqueness of the experience of a child not taking the expected path into life is unlike any other that you will face in your lifetime. In order to properly address this unique (and for most, unprecedented) situation, it is logical for you to engage in alternative ways to handle pain and pressures that are entirely new to your life experience. We cannot rely on antiquated solutions, many of which were instituted during periods of such racial exclusion they have little to no impact on grieving African

American men.

There are some kinds of losses for which society provides few rituals and only brief comfort. People experiencing pregnancy loss often are encouraged to view it as a medical event rather than a loss. Because of the disenfranchised nature of this loss (Doka, 1989), the prospective parents rarely receive the comfort and permission for mourning that they need.42

African American men are often trapped within the confines of the emotional and psychological walls they build up as a means of survival. In a world that sways erratically from viewing black men as criminalized scapegoats to virtually invisible many within this most heavily interrogated and investigated community anchor themselves in an armor of detached stoic introversion. This stance can easily compound the pressures of the grieving process, primarily when the road to normalcy is shared with a partner. In situations where cooperative efforts often prove the most productive, there is an added air of negativity associated with extreme introversion and . It is

42 Constance Hoenk Shapiro, When Part of the Self is Lost: Helping Clients Heal After Sexual and Reproductive Losses (San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass Publishers, 1993), 11.

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important not to overlook the physiological benefits of sharing and closure as we highlight the psychological and emotional aspects. Though many African American men attempt to uphold an image of machismo that is free of tears and fears, there is an abundant amount of data that point to this tactic proving unhealthy. Lassance writes,

“Despite society’s approval or non-approval of crying, research suggests that there may be a potential healing value to tears.”43 This release of sincere emotion can help to prevent certain types of illness including ulcers that have been linked to anger and the suppression of emotions. Studies reveal that there is actually a distinct scientific difference between the tears that are cried out of fear and those that are produced out of a need to simply express an internal emotion.

In our research on tears together with Dr. William Frey of St. Paul Medical Center in Minnesota, we found the release of ACTH a stress hormone triggered by the pituitary gland in the brain. These same tears also release the endorphins. They help remove the biochemical aspect of stress and are therefore biologically necessary.44

This lengthy scientific diatribe is merely included here as attempts to help men (who often operate on logical and scientific terms) understand that it is ok to cry sometimes.

The tears that you hold back in attempts to save face are causing even more tears to stream down the faces of your loved ones due to your suppression and at times premature stress-related deaths that were assisted by psychological suppression and false pride. It is as important to understand grieving itself as knowing how to respond when grief besets you. The suppression of natural responses to traumatic occurrences can have pathological (caused by or evidencing a mentally disturbed condition45)

43 Gray and Lassance, 15. 44 Ibid., 16. 45 WordNet Search, http://wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn?s=pathological (accessed April 2010, 11).

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ramifications for African American men who need to mourn. Author Selby Jacobs discusses two such phenomena (delayed and absent grief) in his book titled, Pathologic

Grief: Maladaptation To Loss. Jacobs explains,

The definition of delayed grief is dependent on the time after a loss. However, the judgment is made on cross sectional assessment of phenomenology. Thus, this diagnosis can be made by two variables-the time after loss and the relative level of appropriate response to that time frame…Whereas there may be a question about whether or not delay of grief is in itself pathologic, the ‘absence’ of grief is often thought to be pathologic.46

Many authors and others have constructed a framework for grief that includes various stages. Some of the grief can be possibly alleviated through a more scientific and statistical understanding of how pregnancy, abortion and miscarriage affect various communities, (see appendix A). This solace through science approach is a far cry from the more traditional processes of grieving.

Some of the more typical listing for the stages of grief are noted in the text titled

Facing Death. Robert E. Karanaugh articulates grieving as a process that is separated into seven different stages. According to the author grief begins with shock and is followed by disorganization, volatile emotions, , loss and loneliness, relief and the cycle is complete upon reestablishment.47 John Bowlby and Colin Murray Parkes offer us a more consolidated analysis concerning the stages of grief. These authors divide the unfortunate phenomena into four parts beginning with shock and numbness and are followed by searching and yearning, disorganization, and then reorganization.

Organizational methods of approaching grief from a structured standpoint can assist

African American men in conceptualizing themselves moving step by step through the

46 Selby Jacobs, Pathologic Grief: Maladaptation to Grief (Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Press, Inc., 1993), 365. 47 Robert E. Kavanaugh, Facing Death (New York, NY: Penguin Books, 1974), 34.

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healing process. This type of mental map for mourning can help prevent grief from escalating from an inevitable emotional phase to a clinically diagnosable disease.

Engel (1961) has discussed the concept of grief as a disease, with a characteristic symptom profile, course and complications…Grief could be viewed as the response to the ‘lesion’ of bereavement, in which a psychological ‘wound’ has been inflicted on the bereaved. In that situation grief can be likened to the healing response which takes place around a wound.48

These contemporary theses can prove very helpful to African American men, primarily when they are utilized in conjunction with historical and cultural guidelines of our communities. It is imperative that African American men recognize and draw from the African tradition of community and cooperation when facing situations like miscarriages. It has been said that it takes a village to raise a child. The communal village structure that is so beneficial to the art of child rearing can also have powerfully productive affects on the raising of crushed spirits and the raising of consciousness surrounding the issue of reproductive loss. In order to endure the effects of losing a child with closure and grace it helps to have communication, cultural consciousness and cooperation. Men must work together and communicate with the women that suffer alongside of them. Men who share the harsh realities of such experiences should exchange testimonies and share burdens. Families need to unearth some inconvenient truths concerning miscarriage and fortify one another through this process of emotional excavation. The practice of coping through communicating needs to become an instinctive and integral aspect of the African American experience concerning reproductive loss.

48 Robin Andrew Haig, The Anatomy of Grief: Biopsychosocial and Therapeutic Perspectives (Springfield, IL: Thomas Books, 1990), 110.

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Historically, African American men and women have seemingly shared in the benefits of cooperative consoling communication to a greater degree than that which has been displayed in recent years. Before the arrival of the first slave boats on the shores of Africa there was an extremely strong sense of family that permeated much of the African consciousness. The exhalation of the familial connection seamlessly transcended the current confines/boundaries of contemporary gender roles that plague the black family in America. Throughout the middle passage as African men and women were shackled in the bowels of boats that navigated their degradation, detachment and death. During this period men and women, young and old from different parts of the continent came together as a means of survival in the face of unprecedented barbarism. As these men and women began working on southern plantations they were forced to piece together families from the remains of biological bonds that had been stripped apart by the demonic institution of chattel enslavement.

The bonds between men and women during these generations needed to be strong and communication was crucial for us as a people to persevere. It would be in the best interest of African American men to draw from the African tradition of Sankofa (meaning to go back and fetch it) as they attempted to deconstruct gender based barriers. As enslaved Africans made plans to escape by singing songs that concealed messages about low tides and drinking gourds they viewed gender as a biological reality and not a boundary.

It will behoove African American men to reclaim the open lines of communication we once shared with our women. In the interest of maintaining the lives of our families we must first go back in order to move forward. Men in our community need to improve

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the networks we rely on among one another for conversation, and closure.

African American women have done a wonderful job of maintaining a sense of sisterhood with regards to the transfer of information throughout the females of their communities. Women often swap personal stories about life and love while advising and consoling one another on various topics of the day. The repressive and over compensatory extremes in so much of African American male behavior could be changed for the better as it relates to pressing issues such as miscarriage if the African

American feminine communicative model is effectively drawn from. Our women are expressing themselves in attempts to heal their hearts while far too many of us as

African American men are opting to hide our struggles rather than healing our spirits.

We are shielding our pain behind false pride, drowning it in substance abuse, avoiding it through our overemphasis on sports, fashion and video games; we bury our hurting hearts underneath our careers and mask them with money.

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CHAPTER 6

THE MAN THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE

My research has led me to uncover two primary impediments to African

American men’s ability and willingness to ride the expressive express. These cancerous conceptualizations are the bastardization of bravado and the fall of formidable femininity (the definition of formidable as it applies to the creation of this concept is, “arousing feelings of awe or because of grandeur, strength, etc.”49) The bastardization of bravado is the evidence of warped and misguided conceptualizations of über masculinity. Many men in the African American community suffer from this type of exaggerated perception of what it means to be manly.

This intellectual imbalance is exploited by media depictions of African American men that are often marginalizing, criminalizing and downright lying! This unfortunate historical phenomenon of inequitable representation is compounded by the often tumultuous historical journey of the black family in America. From slave breakers to cell blocks, there appears to have been an uninterrupted assault on the presence, perception and overall productivity of African American masculinity. The second obstacle that is delaying the departure of the expressive express is comprised of obstinacy and obliviousness. The fall of formidable femininity is the destructive descending of women’s power, prominence and divine purpose (both tangibly and theoretically).

49 Define Formidable at Dictionary.com, http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/formidable (accessed April 11, 2010).

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The need for the African American women to be elevated to her proper place (in personal relationships and the larger society) has been critical to the spiritual health of their black male counterparts for thousands of years. This idea of constructive codependence dates back to the glorious past of ancient Africa. The age-old concept of

Ma’at typified the need for reciprocal relationships between man and woman. This multi-layered leveling that influenced all levels of life in Egypt contains many valuable lessons for African American men who have fallen out of touch. A disconnect from the divine and the vital power of the feminine principle is what Ma’at seeks to remedy.

Many programs use the principles of Ma’at (a conceptual matrix that articulates social and cultural values) as a framework for intervention. Over the past decades, black scholars have been engaged in translating the concepts of Ma’at into the language of a modern moral discourse in order to uncover cultural connections with an ancestral past.50

An initiative that utilizes theses ancient principles to specifically address the impacts of miscarriage on African American men may be the next in this long line of

African centered productive programs. With each dialogue of this type our history plays an increasingly relevant role in our present. Cultural and historical reconnections better equip African American men to deal with all the trials and tribulations that life demands.

The idea of Sankofa plays a major role in the historical healing process. Sankofa means to go back and fetch it.

The word SANKOFA is derived from the words SAN (return), KO (go), FA (look, seek and take). This symbolizes the Akan's quest for knowledge with the implication that the quest is based on critical examination and intelligent and patient investigation.51

Our perception of the value of these ancestral lessons is directly connected to our ability to access the true healing potential of the past. We must realize the medicinal

50 Molefi Kete Asante and Maulana Karenga, , Handbook of Black Studies, ed. Molefi Kete Asante and Maulana Karenga (Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications, 2006), 312. 51 Africa Within, http://www.africawithin.com/studies/sankofa.html (accessed April 2010, 12).

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capabilities of what is often referred to as our collective memory. “One cannot consider it merely a ‘complicated table of knowledge,’ maintaining valuable memories, important discoveries and significant deeds and their interpretations, all handed down by ancestors.”52 In many instances we must build the consciousness before we can properly re-build the man. Although plans may turn into tears and dreams may turn into nightmares, self-knowledge has the power to rebuild, restore and resurrect! We must trust our potential, inspired by our glorious past, courageously addressing our present circumstances and boldly continuing towards a bright future!

The ability to articulate the cyclone of emotions that are produced beyond the boundaries of language itself can be a daunting task. Every effort to stabilize the spirit is valued under these circumstances. African American men can find peace in knowing that their child is free of the burdens many of us deal with regarding needs for closure and reconciliation. The transcendence of the unborn traveling away from the land of the living can be viewed as a more natural process than those who have been in the world for many years. This theoretical comparative ease is a result of the spiritual overtones often associated with death. In order to better illustrate the issues and concerns that originate from about the dying process author Mary Ann

Sanders provides helpful insight. In the book titled Near Death Awareness, Sanders offers a perspective on the precarious balance between the living and those they have lost. According to Sanders,

A paradox seems to exist for humanity in that a person can seem to grow dramatically in a spiritual sense as the physical self gradually but decisively shrinks (Byock 1997, p.233) Thankfully, this spiritual process is overpowering, and from my perspective, presents the potential for

52 V.Y. Mudimbe, The Invention of Africa: Gnosis, Philosophy and the Order of Knowledge (Bloomington, IN: Indiana University Press, 1988), 144.

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spiritual joy as the dying one let's go, transcending what we perceive as reality, and journeying into yet another dimension of life.53

Sanders articulates an alternative interpretation of what it means to transcend beyond that which we see. Sanders challenges the idea of death as a stage of finality. She casts an optimistic light on the otherwise darkness of death. Through her description of the deceased as entering another dimension of their life cycle, a potentially encouraging prescription for pain is provided. A view of the dying process as a joyous spiritual ascension releasing an individual from the burdens of the physical world is a comforting conceptualization.

This progressive view of passing can be applied to the experience of miscarriages. The ability to perceive a level of existence for the spirit of an unborn child can relax the shaken spirits of African American men who struggle to find meaning through their difficult loss. Although potential fathers of any nationality may be forced to endure similar struggles, the unique historical, cultural and psychological standpoint from which many African American men approach the issue of reproductive loss calls for a group specific set of remedies. The biological and historical facts surrounding black men and reproductive loss have not changed much in the past few decades.

What has been dramatically revised are the ways that these realities are being observed and responded to. The practical application of ancient principles and lessons from centuries-old struggles are key components of the progressive process. A new way of looking at old issues is at the foundation of the dual construction method. The potential is in the perspective.

53 Mary Anne Sanders, Nearing Death Awareness: A Guide to the Language, Visions, and Dreams of the Dying (London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2007), 12.

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A wise philosopher once said that there is no knew knowledge only new interpretations, insights, and methods of saying what has been said before…As Ernest Becker (1973, p. x) has strewn all over the place, spoken in a thousand competitive voices. It's [knowledge] insignificant fragments are magnified all out of proportion, while It's major and world- historical insights lie around begging for attention.54

Methodical research can be transitioned into medicinal remedies through the proper shifting of the proverbial paradigm.

It is of crucial importance that history and healing intersect in a way that can bring about contemporary benefits for those who suffer traumatic circumstances. What was once viewed as burdensome among members of the African American community regarding the sorted aspects of our collective consciousness must be redirected in a way that can fortify us against over-reactions and over-compensation. In order to withstand the pressure and pains that come with miscarriage, it behooves African

American men to be firmly rooted in their roots.

Retracing and reconnecting historically can be a frustrating endeavor for many

African American men. These stressful emotions can often be compounded by the ever-popularized Eurocentric revisionist history that so many are exposed to. Anger and resentment harbored by many African American men toward the historical hypocrisy of American society can be released in a flood of emotions. Reproductive loss can be a counterproductive catalyst that triggers suppressed emotions that may linger deep below the psychological surface. When these symptoms are manifested in conjunction with the immediate reaction to the tragedy of miscarriage, a caustic combination of stress and suppression can cripple the spirit. Beyond sorting through

54 Craig R. Lundahl, ed., A Collection of Near-Death Research Readings, ed. Craig R. Lundahl (Chicago, IL: Nelson Hall Publishing Group, 1982), 23.

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the different causes of pain, potential solutions must address the underlining causes that often go unaddressed and obscure possible progress.

The Dual Construction Method serves to sort out the different sources of stress to properly identify the roots of rage and repression. You cannot prune a problem.

Understanding the chronology and complexity of African American pain is critical in assisting black men through the virtual vines of the mazes of miscarriage. The majority of time that Africans/African Americans have been in this area of the earth (after

European occupation) has passed beneath the demonic shadow of chattel enslavement and racially motivated oppression. This legacy of exploitation of the darker peoples of the planet continues today in the form prison industrial complex, police brutality and revisionist history. The extraction of individual events from the larger cultural pictures that impact them has been a detrimental approach to problem solving. Isolating traumatic events and considering them as disconnected from the whole of the human experience has led to countless Black men being misunderstood. One of the reasons for this convoluted concept of culture is the relationship some perceive between African

American men and violence. Despite the brutal atrocities white people inflicted upon

African/African American people throughout history (rape, slavery, whippings, raping, lynchings, beatings and the heartless murders of unborn children cut from their mothers’ womb) violence is oddly associated with Black men more readily than with other racial groups. Violent trends are often investigated from a racial or economic perspective without taking a close enough look at the larger culture and societal influences. These misrepresentations and flawed investigations stand in the way of the understanding necessary to help heal hurting African American men.

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We live in a society that is increasingly violent. Violence is so commonplace that we are in danger of becoming immune to it. This results in, or contributes to, deathmaking. Wolf Wolfensberger devised the term “deathmaking” from the French and

German. It refers to, “…any action or pattern of actions which either directly or indirectly bring about, or hasten, the death of a person or group.”55 As it relates to African

American men who suffered a reproductive loss, deathmaking takes on a more abstract definition. The death of , the death of joy and the death of meaning are commonly associated with the death of an unborn child. The ability to swim up an emotional stream while navigating around internal obstacles that can hinder a man’s sense of completeness is no easy task. For many it is difficult to simply remain afloat when they are being flooded by waves of pain, depression, denial and doubt. In order to resurrect the former self to a new level of resilience and positive reflection a long complex journey is often necessary. The path towards progress from the devastation of death is powerfully articulated in the poem titled, “Someone All Alone” by Sarah Joseph. The confusing, stinging stigma associated with loss is summarized as Joseph states, “Each step is a lonely one, leading to sadness, The happy playing, the joyful laughter, Which I once used to know, has deserted me, what brought about this tragedy?56 The poetic prose of Joseph resonates for many experiencing varied forms of loss and loneliness.

Many times, very different motivating factors that bring about grief can bring individuals to very similar painful psychological places. Oddly enough, this broad brush of bereavement can be swept across events as diverse as missing money and miscarriages. “The grief for the loss of a beloved person or for the separation from our

55 Craig Newnes, ed., Death, Dying And Society, ed. Craig Newnes (London: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, Publishers, 1991), 294. 56 Newnes, 249.

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love objects, which is associated to the thought of death, cannot easily be differentiated.”57 In many ways the experience of loss can result in clinical depressions that can paralyze the psychological recovery process of those facing life-altering challenges. The task of resurrecting a degree of normalcy becomes increasingly difficult after African American men have spiraled leagues away from the true source of their pain. After plummeting through a sequence of symptoms that result from the pressures of miscarriage, the acts of retracing and revealing the true motivation for certain behaviors can become convoluted. The many ways in which African American men overreact, suppress their true feelings and over-compensate can create and emotional labyrinth that even trained experts may have difficulty navigating through.

In the same manner that the most effective solutions involve the root of the problem, the most impacting understandings of oneself often involve their cultural roots.

The misunderstanding of the racial/cultural self can send African American men on a destructive path that can lead to clinical depression, self destructive behaviors and

Melancholia, which is “extreme depression characterized by tearful sadness and irrational fears.”58 Sigmund Freud discussed the connections between being in constant states of grief and its potentially clinical side effects over 100 years ago.

In his 1915 paper ‘Mourning and ’ Freud explains the dynamics of pathological mourning, which leads to melancholia…melancholia expresses the pain that reveals an unconscious conflict between the person who feels abandoned and the abandoning love object. After the loss, the melancholic feels that life has become meaningless and his or her own ego is empty.59

57 Franco De Masi, Making Death Thinkable (London: Free Association Books, 2004), 133. 58 WordNet Search 3.0, wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn (accessed May 16, 2010). 59 Masi, 133.

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This type of real and perceived cultural voids, feelings of invisibility and meaninglessness of life itself loom over many African American men on conscious and subconscious levels. This emptiness can cause many to miss the potential benefits of bereavement. How can one find meaning in mourning if they cannot find meaning in their lives?

These potential miscalculations play a particularly significant part in how miscarriages are understood. Our personal perspective on the impacts of reproductive loss can often blind us to the larger transformative potential of traumatic events.

Beyond the actual event, the process that can result afterward can possess deeper meaning for the individual experiencing grief. On a certain basic level an of the reality of one’s situation must be accompanied by a submission to the process of mourning. In the book titled Dark Light: The Appearance of Death in Everyday Life, author Ronald Shenk discusses how the journey through pain can create tangible and intangible bi-products that may be overshadowed by the pressures of circumstance.

Shenk states,

While we think we are in a certain condition, or headed in a particular direction, or working upon something, something else is happening, something is working upon or feeling or writing or playing through us. When we are depressed or angry or frustrated or fearful or lonely, something else is happening as well, something is being created out of the heat of our anger and the grinding of our or washed away by the fears of our silence.60

The hard lessons that the initial shock and pain that reproductive loss can produce posses the potential to be recycled and utilized in a manner that can expedite closure.

The pain must be converted into resilience, frustration into ease, anger to peace and

60 Robert Schenk, Dark Light: The Appearance of Death in Everyday Life (Albany, NY: State University of New York Press, 2001), 30.

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tears of pain to tears of joy that baptize bleeding hearts. In order to adjust to the inevitable uncertainty often associated with death we must employ a flexible progressive strategy to remedy negative reactions. There is an unpredictability that surrounds death of all types. This uncertainty largely defines our relationship with the unavoidable phenomena. Although we are forced to acknowledge the sporadic nature of death as it silences life at all ages, the idea of a miscarriage often remains suppressed on the psychological ocean floor resting leagues beneath the consciousness of many.

We live with a terminal diagnosis. It's called life. At the end of which we are going to die. This can happen to us at any age, and at anytime. It can manifest as a terminal illness such as cancer. Or as a chronic disease, such as flu or cholera. Or our bodies just get old and wear out. People also die suddenly and violently, in accidents, wars, suicides, or in natural and man- made disasters.61

Reproductive loss represents the ultimate natural disaster that man may have to face in their lifetime. Extreme levels of denial and ignorance about the potential likelihood of such occurrences can place African American men at a disadvantage in the battle to rise above the initial tidal wave of emotions that comes with the heart- wrenching news of an unborn child's transition. There is a fear of discomfort that is at the root of much denial that criss-cross all societal demographics. The fear of death is in no way confined to any specific method of passing. African American men, like other demographics display patterns of reluctance and resistance when it comes to miscarriage. The universal aspects of dealing with dying are articulated by author, Anya

Foos-Graber in her book titled Deathing. Foos-Graber believes that, “Nothing makes us so uncomfortable as having to think ahead to the final days of our parents or spouse or closest friends, or having to consider the deaths of our children. This deep cultural

61 Sue Brayne, The D Word: Talking About Dying (New York, NY: Continuum International Publishing Group, 2010), 1.

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bias against death has cleaved it from life."62 This detachment from the dying process is explained by Foos-Graber as a defining element that shapes much of how people of all races often view (and live) life.

62 Anya Foos-Graber, Deathing: An Intelligent Alternative For The Final Moments of Life (Reading, MA: Addison-Wesley Publishing Company, 1984), 3.

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CHAPTER 7

THE EVOLUTION WILL NOT BE INTERNALIZED

The unearthing of the uncomfortable and excavating the inconvenient is a job that Foos-Graber suggests is best done collectively.

Your best learning will start with a trusted friend or relative who can be your coach, your support person. Just as a woman in labor has a coach who gives precise commands at each stage to help with her performance, it is easier and safer to choose a friend or relative who agrees to coach you during the transition. Your support person keeps you focused on what has to be done- and when.63

The historical importance of family and community among African Americans can be very beneficial in this regard. For this reason (and many others) the understanding of history and maintenance of cultural traditions are paramount. These links can help to counterbalance the lack of communication and fear that often accompany sensitive and traumatic events. The fear of death appears to reach unprecedented levels in areas where the unborn are concerned. The popular sentiments of denial and psychological resistance surrounding reproductive loss are similar to those that plague many perspectives on transition. The lack of education about how to deal with traumatic events can play a unique role in the lives of African American men who often have sketchy relationships with mainstream educational methods.

The history of mainstream education as adversarial still resonates in certain portions of the African American population. Some view American institutions of learning as centers of propaganda, which promote white supremacy, capitalism and disinformation. As a result any allegiance to, or excellence in these learning centers are

63 Foos-Graber, 73.

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views by some as a form of intellectual treason. This perception unfortunately leaves many without the benefits of a basic education that can help to improve their ability to asses and address the inevitable circumstances of life. This problem is compounded by a larger society that often provides little to no education about death to the vast majority of its citizens of all races.

In the absence of anything like education for death, we nonetheless manage to learn about it; we learn very early, and we learn very well. Our concern here should be the awesome misinformation, the unhealthy attitudes, the false ‘facts,’ and the spooky fears that people accumulate between infancy and adulthood.64

The lack of practical information readily available regarding how to cope with death leaves many to turn toward denial and attempts to gloss over serious situations. This tendency to overlook things that which needs to be stared at squarely affects those directly impacted by tragedy as well as those who are called to be their primary sources of support. Even those who earn a living helping others heal may not be immune to the temptation to overindulge in psychological placebos. “Professionals, too, are prone to smooth over the unhappy feelings, perhaps by offering sedatives or other escape mechanisms. This type of comfort actually does a disservice to the bereaved because what he or she needs the most is to vent those feelings."65

The disciplinary hybrid approach that is utilized in the dual construction method could be extended to help maximize the potential benefits of many disciplines. The communicative distance between various disciplines can prove as problematic as the immediate dilemmas that members of these respective communities seek to remedy. A prime example of possible progress being lost in translation can be found between the

64 Betty R. Green and Donald P. Irish, , Death Education: Preparing for Living, ed. Betty R. Green and Donald P. Irish (Cambridge, MA: Schenkman Publishing Company, 1971), 15. 65 Green and Irish, 115.

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disciplines of medicine and psychology. A great deal of the structural stagnation that exists is a result of the education received by doctors and psychologists. The question of perceived relevance is at the heart of this issue. This concern becomes magnified when analyzing the professional approaches of specialists who benefit from a narrow educational perspective. This obstacle is plainly articulated in the text titled Death

Anxiety. In the chapter titled, "Attitudes Toward Death in Chronically ill or Dying

Patients", a study prepared by Edmund C. Payne, Jr., MD and Melvin J. Krant, MD an intriguing view about this scientific separation is articulated. Payne and Krant note that,

"The startling fact is that medical doctors seldom record on a chart any observations of psychological events...The medical chart of today offers convincing evidence that the tradition of medicine is strongly antagonistic to treating psychological data in the systematic, scientific manner that is accorded to physiological data."66

The biological process through which a child can be lost is different for each family.

Whether a miscarriage is predicted extremely early in the pregnancy or overcomes a family suddenly, there is often a similar response to such a tragic loss.

In addition to much of the shared emotions that accompany those experiencing extreme grief, there exists a common feeling of a dashed dream of the pregnancy being successful. Utilizing this shared desire as a platform to walk African American men through their pain can prove beneficial. The timing and types of emotional pitfalls that would-be fathers face may be extremely diverse. The medical histories of individuals encountering the loss of a child may have seemingly infinite variations. But the common desire to have a happy healthy child connects countless individuals despite the specifics concerning how their dream(s) of a successful childbirth were deferred. The

66 Canon H. W. Montefiore, Joseph R. Cautela and Robert N. Butler, Death Anxiety, ed. Canon H. W. Montefiore, Joseph R. Cautela and Robert N. Butler (New York, NY: MSS Information Corporation, 1973), 152.

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need for cross-disciplinary communication affects a number of educated communities that seek to provide clarity on widespread issues such as death and grief.

Relevant statistical analysis and clear approaches to the reproductive loss phenomena provide a more realistic and accurate depiction of how this event impacts all people. The racial and ethnic specificities regarding the ratio at which the various groups are affected offer a rare opportunity to quantifiably control a small aspect of this often uncontrollable and unpredictable occurrence. Although the statistics do not include names or faces they can offer those who feel alone in their experience a helping hand through a better understanding of the true scope of miscarriage among their respective racial/ethnic groups. Racial differences however, are not the focal point when dealing with what is described as “Death Anxiety.” The behavioral ramifications that stem from peoples perspectives on death can prove to be far reaching. This concept of post mortem paranoia can permeate one’s private and professional life. A common concern among those that study this phenomenon is whether or not doctors, nurses etc. have high levels of “Death Anxiety” due to the nature of their profession.

Apart from the question of whether the average helping professional experiences unusually high levels of death anxiety is the question of how variation in death anxiety is the question of how variation in death anxiety among caregivers predicts, and possibly effects our work performance. For example, Vickio and Cavanaugh (1985) found that nursing home employees with high levels of death concern tended to have more negative views toward elderly persons and aging and were less willing to talk about death and dying.67

The psychological side effects that are influenced by a person’s perception of death are far reaching. These factors travel across racial and gender specific lines.

67 Montefiore, Cautela and Butler, 153.

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Perceptions of death for African American men have been exaggerated for a number of reasons. The prevalence of violent crimes in some Black communities can result in widespread desensitization to death and violence alike. In addition to this disturbing trend is the consistent barrage of violent images and descriptions presented by many mainstream media outlets. Being exposed to countless depictions of death and violence can lead many to develop an unrealistic relationship with the reality of loss.

Viewing cinematic, theatrical, and photographic images of death without being exposed to comparable representations of grief, mourning and regret can create an imbalance that can hinder healing. When African American men, who are disproportionately influenced by television and other media outlets, are forced to plug into the shocking reality of losing their unborn child, a psychological short circuit can occur. This breakdown often manifests itself in the forms of denial, suppression and depression.

The mental rewiring that is needed to reconnect African American men with their former selves is a complex and meticulous process. The media influences, combined with the historical, economic and psychological factors that are unique to the African American male experience call for a particular progressive programmatic approach.

It has been said that compassion is to the spirit what air is to the lungs. The act of identifying with the pain of another can be an extremely therapeutic reciprocal endeavor. Simply beginning a dialogue about the impacts of miscarriage on African

American men is a dramatic improvement from the virtually non-existent conversation, which preceded it. Shifting from personal confinement and private corners of our communities to a more public arena is a literary leap of progress. From tears to testimonies, from overcompensation to open conversation and from denial to triumphant

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declarations a change is occurring. The waters have been tested and despite their depth, tumultuous waves and fiercely fluctuating temperature, they have proven to be bearable and beneficial. The idea of struggling on the sinking sands of procrastination and suppression is an unacceptable option. Whether one decides to dive head first into this progressive pool or simply place their feet in with plans to take gradual steps while staying afloat, the journey to see is necessary. Prayerfully, through and disclosure something extremely powerful can be gained from a brother’s loss.

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APPENDIX A68

68 National Vital Statistics Report, April 2010, 11, http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr56/nvsr56_15.pdf.

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64

65

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APPENDIX B

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Figure A Definitions

Dual Construction Method Healing and helping African American men through the utilization of circumstantial assessments and self-awareness

Growing from the “Him-side” Out Instead of exposing and investigating male vulnerability and sensitivity, the Dual Construction method seeks to empower African American men through revealing their unique potential to understand and express themselves as African Americans, from their own perspective.

Truth Truth is an ideal foundation from which to build towards extraordinary heights of personal growth and emotional stability. Through honesty, and candidness African American men can begin to take the necessary steps that lead, course by course to the capstone of closure.

Self-Knowledge It is imperative to be grounded in a clear understanding of who we are as African American men in order to maximize the potentialities of our historical and collective cultural consciousness. The benefits of a chronological contextualization of African American men from antiquity to the present day are extremely empowering. Knowing, who you are, from whence you came and the infinite possibilities of what you can become creates an intellectual armor against the traumas of tragedy. Through inspiration, insights and other relevant information, self realization can grow into self actualization, transforming the hearts, minds and reactions of African American men to rigors of reproductive loss.

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Consciousness The vital connection between realization and actualization is the metaphoric mental mortar of consciousness. Possessing the proper intellectual fortification that has been elevated by a foundation of truth can prepare African American men for the next level of expression and development according to the Dual Construction method. This binary process contains practical building blocks that can take African American men from information to personal engagement and from words and theories to walking and talking through the challenges of miscarriage.

Walking, Talking The healing qualities of free expression as a means of healing and dealing with the full range of emotions that one may experience when dealing with reproductive loss is addressed at this level of the Dual Construction method. Through, testimonials, sharing burdens etc. the pressures of this parental paradox may be relieved. Journal writings, diaries and poetry are all positive means of pouring out your heart in a way that doesn’t negatively impact the rest of your body. Don’t keep a lid on your love and the lessons you’ve learned in life. Brothers aren’t bottles, let your feelings flow. Closure- The point of this process is to align the methodical stages of pragmatic progress with the mystical unseen potential for future improvement.

Through consciousness and communication African American men can find the proper balance (closure) that can afford us an anchoring through the many storms and wild rides of life. A surpassing peace, built upon a solid rock (truth),is the overall goal of the Dual Construction method.

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