FREE Dining • Shopping Lodging • Humor The Conch Republic Entertainment OCONUT ELEGRAPH TCHE COCONUT TELEGRAPH IS PROUD TO BE THE OFFICIAL NEWSPA T PER OF THE NORTHERNMOST TERRITORIES OF THE CONCH REPUBLIC

101425 Overseas Hwy. • PMB #628 • Key Largo, FL 33037 • 305-304-2837 • www.theconchtelegraph.com • January 2021

Attractions Conch Captain: Capt. Sky Moore

What’s Hot & What’s Not ‘Contagious’ Wins Islamorada Sailfish Tournament

Maps Key Largo Locator Map Page Getting from Here to There

All the Buzz Coco-Nut Funnies Conch Characters Business in the Keys Daily OM Classifieds Start your year off right with refreshing libations at the Pilot House. What a view! Photo by June Kraemer. 2 • The Coconut Telegraph • January 2021 January 2021 • The Coconut Telegraph • 3

Coconut Telegraph Cast of Characters: January 2021 The Conch Republic Editor/Sales/Distribution 305.304.2837 Volume 15 Issue #174 COCONUT TELEGRAPH www.TheConchTelegraph.com Denise Malefyt Independently Owned Local Newspaper [email protected] Prestige Publishing, Inc 305-304-2837 [email protected] 101425 Overseas Hwy. Key Largo, Florida Keys 101425 Overseas Hwy. PMB #628 33037 PMB #628 Premier Listings From Your LoKal Real Estate Specialists Key Largo, FL 33037 Advertising Consultant Key Largo Car Show 7 & Roving Writer Around Town 8 Islamorada and Tavernier Conch Captain: Sky Moore 10 Deadline Marilee Free The Queen is Not Amused 11 Living and Working in the Florida Keys for the Coconut Telegraph’s 305-517-9279 Getting from Here to There - Keys Map Page 12-13 for Over 25 years! next issue is Wednesday, Conch Characters 15 Advertising Production January 14, 2021 Contagious Wins Islamorada Sailfish Tournament 16 SOLD ROOM TO ROAM! EASY OCEAN/BAY ACCESS Since there's a historic Contact Denise at Sue Beal How to Be a Perfect Houseguest 17 shortage of homes for 305-304-2837 305-451-4601 Classified Ads 18 sale, putting your home [email protected] beal_s @bellsouth.net Key Largo Locator Map Page 19 on the market today Coco“Nut” Funnies 20-21 could drive an excellent

Notice: We do not It’s available free online: Daily OM: Pushing Buttons 22 price and give you addi- mail out the Coconut theconchtelegraph.com. Business in the Keys 23 115 W Avenue A 6 Rose Place 1642 Churchill Downs tional negotiating lever- Telegraph and we do not For comments please visit The Beautifully Updated! Canal home w/impeccable Spacious home on tropical corner lot! Open oor Warm & Welcoming! Top oor 2B/1.5B age when selling your s e l l s u b s c r i p t i o n s . Conch Telegraph on Facebook. The year 2020 has been a rough workmanship & touches. 3 bedrooms, 2 baths plan w/separate laundry room. Concrete garage & w/splendid Bay Views. 2nd oor waiting for your COVID SELF TEST with open concept living area & incredible Addition. Located in a family community, close to personality and air for a remodel. Endless property. Call now for a one with the Covid 19 virus outdoor living areas. Top of the line in every schools, shopping, restaurants, & easy commute to possibilities on Bed/baths! concrete pool, 55’ dock aspect of the home! Concrete dock & hot tub, 2 w/ramp on 1/3 acre of land! $995,000 free market analysis... affecting our health and liveli- A new and easy self test for Miami. $249,000 hoods. Many of our local small HOA parks! $600,000. Editorial - Gratitude and Appreciation the horror of Covid 19 is do- FEATURED LISTING businesses barely survived. ing the These are the same businesses rounds and it’s simple, quick The Coconut Telegraph would er from Florida City to Islamo- that generously donate their and positive (or negative if like to thank all of our adver- rada. Now for the convenience products to fundraisers that you see what I mean). tisers and readers. Together of our readers we are now of- benefit locals. Now is the time Take a glass and pour a we made it through year 2020 fering subscriptions - see page to give back - stop in and make decent dram of your favorite and look forward to a happy, 10 for more info. The policy of a purchase whether it is a gift whisky into it; then see if you healthy and prosperous new the Coconut Telegraph is that card for a friend or for your- can smell it. If you can, then you are halfway there. year. We would like to remind we only promote our advertis- self, it is an investment in the 119 Cortez Drive G-1 everyone that the Coconut ers. That is only fair because Keys that we all know and love. DESIRABLE CORNER UNIT! Leave your Telegraph is a small, privately- they are the ones who sponsor Drink it. If you can taste it If you are feeling funky or then it is reasonable to as- worries behind! Enjoy all the sea has to oer: owned monthly dining and this publication. If you would have been exposed to the sume you Boating, swimming, shing, and at the end of entertainment newspaper. Our like information on advertis- virus get yourself tested, it’s are currently free of the the day… relax with ocean breezes from your goal is to stimulate awareness ing please email us. We will be easy as pie! Make an appoint- virus because the loss of the screened balcony. 1/1 Condo in friendly of our advertisers so that to- happy to make an appointment ment at CVS in Key Largo. sense of smell and taste is a complex. Dockage available. $242,000 common symptom. gether business will flourish. or send you information. Keep When it is time go through the Our advertising rates are very in mind that along with your ad drive thru and the pharmacist we are happy to promote your I tested myself 7 times last LoKally Respected! low but our promotions are will assist you. It only takes a night and was virus free ev- Our goal is to exceed your expectations and to make your experience mighty. The Coconut Tele- bartenders, staff and cus- few minutes and is 100% pain- ery time thank goodness. with us, as your Realtors, efficient, effective and rewarding. graph is available online for tomers with photographs and less, you won’t feel the slight- free at theconchtelegraph.com articles whenever we can. We est bit uncomfortable! In 2 to I will have to test myself along with archives in case you also welcome press releases 3 days you will get your results again today because I have developed a throbbing are looking for a back article and photographs from all our on your phone by text or on advertisers. headache which can also Susan Holler, Realtor® Kelly Wilson, Realtor® thanks to webmaster extraor- your computer. For more info be one of the symptoms. dinaire Omar Perez. We deliv------call 305-451-3261. Cell: 305-393-1695 Cell: 305-394-6742 Disclaimer Virtual Showings Upon Request! Are you looking to The Coconut Telegraph © 2006-2021 is published monthly by Prestige Publishing, tion of the publisher. The Coconut Telegraph assumes in good faith that all editorial INC. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced without and advertising material submitted are the original property of the advertiser. The [email protected] Buy or Sell? written consent of the publisher. The Coconut Telegraph welcomes written ar- Coconut Telegraph may not be held responsible for errors, omissions, or for circum- www.SusanKholler.com 92330 Overseas Highway, Suite 106, Tavernier, FL 33070 Call Susan or Kelly today! ticles, photos, and artwork of local interest to be used and/or edited at the discre- stances beyond our control that may affect the distribution schedule. 4 • The Coconut Telegraph • January 2021 January 2021 • The Coconut Telegraph • 5

SWAP MEET HOURS: 9AM - 2PM Saturday Jan. 23rd and Saturday Feb. 27th Antiques and Jewelry Key Largo Conch House WE ARE OPEN 100211 Overseas Highway ◆ Key Largo FACE MASK REQUIRED Orchids NO-CONTACT DELIVERY Featured on the Food Network New Hours: Mon-Fri 10-3 Fishing & Women came from all over Florida to compete in 8am - 10 Daily the non intimidating LLGF ◆ ◆ Dive Gear Fishing Screamin‛ Reels tour- Breakfast Lunch Dinner nament Aug. 14-16 in Islamo- rada, FL. Hosted by the Holiday nonprofit Ladies Let‛s Go Vegetarian Entrées Fishing Foundation, the tour- 305-451-3702 • 99551 Overseas Highway • KeyLargoFlorist.com nament offered a virtual Items, etc. kickoff, informal meet and greet, easy rules for begin- ners and two days of inshore or offshore fishing. Fishing Pet Friendly • Kids’ Menu OPEN 11:00 AM to 9:30 PM EVERY DAY from eight boats, 20 partici- pants caught 108 fish. Award-Winning Food & Coffee DAILY FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS Prizes for the two-day Sunday - Live Music 2-6 pm tournament were awarded to WELCOME BACK individual anglers, including $1 Drafts All Day Penn rod/reel combos, art prints and other fishing SATURDAY - PRIME RIB DINNER Drinks & snacks available. items. Winners were: HAPPY HOUR: 4-6 pm EVERY DAY 305-453-4844 $1 Drafts Top Offshore: Donna Langs- ton, Satellite Beach, FL, www.keylargoconchhouse.com LOCALS’ FAVORITE 305-453-3153 45 Garden Cove Drive MM 106 $25 per Space. Call Vivian Kay to reserve your space 305-923-6363. Oceanic Tuna on Costa Morada with Capt. Claude Tristram

Second Place Offshore: Noelle Goulart, Belle Isle, FL, Blackfin Tuna on Costa Morada with Capt. Claude 6 • The Coconut Telegraph • January 2021 January 2021 • The Coconut Telegraph • 7

Key Largo Car Show Photos by Marilee Free Caption Contest! Every second Saturday of the month, folks gather with their cars for a show at Alfredo‛s Cook House, MM 102 in Key Largo.

Captain Dennis and his 1921 Ford Model T with its original paint!

Need a TOH?

Best caption wins a gift certificate to a local restaurant. Email your caption to [email protected] Castaway Band (L-R) by January 15th. Julie, Marianne, Bob & Chip. Vintage impala.

We Stock Guitar Strings December Caption Contest Winner! WEDNESDAY to SUNDAY FISH 11:30 am to 9:00 pm — New & Used Guitars — Charisma Sportfishing Dine-in or Take-out (305) 522-8445 EAT Custom [email protected] ASK (305) 451-3142 Jewelry http://www.charismasportfishing.com/ ABOUT OUR extention 1 CORAL FINANCIAL WEEKLY Jewelry & Pawn On-Site SPECIALS! MM102 305 Jewelry Oceanside 453-5300 Key Largo Repair Wednesday is Locals Day! We Buy Guns Sign up for our DIVE newsletter! Top Dollar Paid Keys Diver (& Snorkel) (305) 451-1177 • Modern [email protected] • Vintage https://keysdiver.com/ • Antique CORAL FINANCIAL “Drinking while boating can get you trashed” Pilot House Restaurant & Marina Jewelry & Pawn 13 Seagate Blvd MM102 (O) 305 Winner: Bob Marcellari of Key Largo Key Largo, FL 33037 Key Largo 453-5300 [email protected] Prize: $25 gift card to Sharkey’s https://www.pilothousemarina.com SAFE • CONVENIENT • DISCREET ONE LOCATION! 8 • The Coconut Telegraph • January 2021 January 2021 • The Coconut Telegraph • 9

Coconut Telegraph‛s Conch Captain Spotlight On… Around Town Captain Sky Moore of Islander Girl Snorkel & Tours “Thankful, Grateful and Blessed” by Marilee Free

Bring your kids, and bring your dogs for family fun in the sun with Captain Sky, owner/operator of the Islander Girl snorkeling and eco-tours. Yes, that‛s right, Cruzin' TIki Boat at Snooks. Book a cruise, bring Sky offers dog-friendly boat- your booze, and leave the piloting up to them! ing adventures. As you board Islamorada sunset while aboard the Cruizin Tiki boat. Lowrider.....Keys style. Photo by Rob LeBrun. the boat you may be greeted by Ariel or Tide, Sky‛s It's always Golden-Doodles. sunny with As an Upper Florida Keys Capt. Sky! native, Sky knows the area well. She has had her captain‛s maintains the boat and helps with the family license for six years and is business as well. very experienced for her Guests on the snorkel tours may also dine young age. But hey, when your at the restaurants and use some of the ameni- mom is a shark diver and your ties at the Islander. dad feeds barracudas with a Kick back on the baitfish between his teeth, Creating an biggest beach in that is quite an adventurous awareness for the Islamorada. Check out Enricos's Italian Fisherman Pizza? A whole Florida Approaching The Big Chill by boat. upbringing! She credits both importance of reef- the butterfly garden, The Cat Daddies performed an amazing sunset show Lobster Tail with fresh crab, clams & shrimp her parents for being inspira- safe sunblock and fishing pier, rent a bike, on a NY-style pizza. at The Lorelei in December. Photo by Rob LeBrun. tions and is proud to carry on helping to stop trash kayak or stand-up the family tradition of love for and littering are very paddleboard, play a being on and under the water. important to Sky. She little volleyball, basket- Sky acknowledges her mom, will stop and pick up ball, cornhole, even Annette, for the inspiration that plastic bag or ping-pong. Islander Girl and assistance to help start water bottle floating. is open seven days a BIGGEST PARTY her business. She applauds her Every effort made week from 8am-6pm, it mom‛s efforts in beautifying now will help the is located at the IN THE UPPER KEYS ON THE BAY the Islander after Hurricane future of oceanic Islander, MM 82, Irma too, what an amazing job! activities. Her vessel Oceanside. Call for Sky expressed how thank- is as green as pos- rates and availability ful, grateful, and truly blessed sible, with biodegrad- 305-712-0032. O FOOD & DRINK she is for her family and her able cups, and reus- 2 JUMB extended family of the cap- able tumblers. As an inspiration herself, her message SPECIALS tains and mates she employees. to aspiring captains is to believe in yourself and your SCREEN S She has an all-female staff, dreams, go forth with confidence and never stop LIVE MUSIC except Hunter, her brother learning. Every situation can be handled with calmness BAYSIDE (aka the Islander Boy.) Captain and kindness. Being kind is so important, realizing Elizabeth is her right hand at everyone is going through struggles, sadness, and the helm. Sky‛s snorkeling uncertainty. A kind word and a fun adventure is what ‘sisters,‛ Hannah, Abi, Atlantis, many may need right about now. Ara, and Sarah will ensure that When I asked how Covid has affected her busi- you have a fantastic tour. ness, she said the shut-down was difficult, but they Whether snorkeling from have been busy ever since. Sky takes the Covid regu- Alligator Reef Lighthouse in lations seriously, limiting trips to 20 passengers and Islamorada to Hens and Chick- sanitizing the boat after every trip. The Keys‛ ens Reef in Tavernier, explor- economy thrives on tourism, she hopes we can stay FEBRUARY 7, 2021 ing the mangroves or splashing safe and avoid another shutdown. at the Sand Bar, Islander Girl Another inspiration is the love of Sky‛s life, hus- Snorkel & Tours offers some- band Dylan. He with his two daughters, Kaylee and MM104 B/S - Key Largo | 305.453.9066 | www.jjsBigChill.com thing for all sea lovers. Ayla and the dogs make up their happy home. Dylan 10 • The Coconut Telegraph • January 2021 January 2021 • The Coconut Telegraph • 11

Uh Oh. The Queen is not Amused!

To the citizens of the United stated letter 'u' and the States of America from Her elimination of '-ize.' Sovereign Majesty Queen Jonathon Peter Photography Peter Jonathon Elizabeth II. 3. July 4th will no longer be Open 7 Days A Week celebrated as a holiday. Breakfast 7 am - 10:45 am "In light of your failure to elect Lunch from 11 am a competent President of the 4. You will learn to resolve Dinner from 4 pm USA, and thus to govern your- personal issues without using selves, we hereby give notice of guns, lawyers or therapists. The Live Music Every Night the revocation of your indepen- fact that you need so many Rob LeBrun dence, effective immediately. lawyers and therapists shows Please support live musicians, like these Keys favorites: Steve Webb, Her Sovereign Majesty Queen that you're not quite ready to Fresh Seafood Daily Happy Hour Dave Feder, Cliff Stutts, Billy Davidson, Micah Gardner and Lee Sharp. 4-6 pm Elizabeth II will resume monar- be independent. Guns should Local chical duties over all states, only be used for shooting 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you body armour like a bunch of Specialties commonwealths, and territories grouse. If you can't sort things The only 10 times in history it insist on calling beer is not nancies). (except North Dakota, and out without suing someone or We’ll Cook actually beer at all. Henceforth, was acceptable to say the f-word. Utah, which she does not fancy). speaking to a therapist, then Your Catch only proper British Bitter will be 12. Further, you will stop playing you're not ready to shoot referred to as beer, and Euro- baseball. It is not reasonable to Fishing Guides $3 Well Drinks 10. “What the f* was that?” Our new Prime Minister, Boris grouse. pean brews of known and host an event called the World Available - Mayor Of Hiroshima, Japan 1945 Johnson, will appoint a Governor $1 off Bottle Beers accepted provenance will be Series for a game which is not for America without the need 5. Therefore, you will no longer $1 off House Wines 9. “Where did all those f’ing Indians come from?” referred to as Lager. South played outside of America. Amazing for further elections. Congress be allowed to own or carry - Gen. Custer, 1877 African beer is also acceptable, Since only 2.1% of you are aware Sunsets $1.25 Domestic Drafts and the Senate will be anything more dangerous than a as they are pound for pound the there is a world beyond your $2.25 Specialty Drafts disbanded. A questionnaire may vegetable peeler. Although a Pet Friendly 8. “Any f’ing idiot could understand that.” greatest sporting nation on borders, your error is under- be circulated next year to permit will be required if you - Einstein, 1938 earth and it can only be due to standable. You will learn cricket, FREE WIFI PROPERTY WIDE • LOCALS’ FAVORITE • LIVE MUSIC NIGHTLY! determine whether any of you wish to carry a vegetable peeler the beer. They are also part of and we will let you face the 7. “It does so f’ing look like her!” - Pablo Picasso, 1926 noticed. in public. the British Commonwealth - see South Africans first to take the 6. “How the f* did you work that out?” - Pythagoras, 126 BC what it did for them. American sting out of their deliveries. “To aid in the transition to a 6. All intersections will be brands will be referred to as 5. “You want WHAT on the f’ing ceiling?” British Crown dependency, the replaced with roundabouts, and Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so 13. You must tell us who killed following rules are introduced you will start driving on the - Michelangelo, 1566 that all can be sold without risk JFK. It's been driving us mad. with immediate effect: ” left side with immediate of further confusion. 4. “Where the f’- are we?” -Amelia Earhart, 1937 effect. At the same time, you 14. An internal revenue agent 1. The letter 'U' will be rein- will go metric with immediate 3. “Scattered f’ing showers my ass!” - Noah, 4314 BC 10. Hollywood will be required (i.e. tax collector) from Her New! stated in words such as 'colour,' effect and without the benefit occasionally to cast English Majesty's Government will be 2. “Aw c’mon, who the f* is going to find out?” 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neigh- of conversion tables. Both actors as good guys. Hollywood with you shortly to ensure the bour.' Likewise, you will learn to roundabouts and metrication - Bill Clinton, 1999 will also be required to cast acquisition of all monies due spell 'doughnut' without skipping will help you understand the English actors to play English (backdated to 1776). And... drum roll please... half the letters, and the suffix British sense of humour. characters. Watching Andie '-ize' will be replaced by the 1. “Geez, I didn’t think they’d get this f’ing mad.” MacDowell attempt English 15. Daily Tea Time begins suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will 7. The former USA will adopt - Osama bin Laden, November, 2001 dialect in Four Weddings and a promptly at 4 pm with proper be expected to raise your UK prices on petrol (which you Funeral was an experience akin cups, with saucers, and never vocabulary to acceptable levels. have been calling gasoline) of to having one's ears removed mugs, with high quality biscuits (look up 'vocabulary'). roughly $10/US gallon. Get used with a cheese grater. (cookies) and cakes; plus straw- Salvation Army Family Store to it. berries (with cream) when in MM 99 Bayside SHOP • DONATE 2. Using the same twenty- Key Largo 11. You will cease playing Ameri- season. seven words interspersed with 8. You will learn to make real Just $60 a year and it will include inserts can football. There is only one filler noises such as 'like' and chips. Those things you call from time to time on discounts, coupons, etc. kind of proper football; you call 'you know' is an unacceptable French fries are not real chips, it soccer. Those of you brave We accept cash, checks and PayPal. Just send your payment along and inefficient form of com- and those things you insist on enough will, in time, be allowed with your mailing adress, then sit back and enjoy the paper munication. There is no such calling potato chips are prop- to play rugby (which has some every month without having to go and find it. thing as U.S. English. We will erly called crisps. Real chips similarities to American foot- let Microsoft know on your are thick cut, fried in animal PayPal to [email protected] or mail payment to ball, but does not involve stop- behalf. The Microsoft spell- fat, and dressed not with Coconut Telegraph, 101425 Overseas Hwy, PMB 628, Key Largo ping for a rest every twenty checker will be adjusted to catsup but with vinegar. FL 33037. Don‛t forget to include your mailing address! seconds or wearing full Kevlar Visit the store, or call 305-872-5744 for prompt and courteous pickup take into account the rein- 12 • The Coconut Telegraph • January 2021 JanuaryMap 2021 ad• The sizeCoconut Telegraph • 13

Tiki Bar, Game Nights, Dinners & Fun!

Members & Guests Sundays 7pm Welcome “Show Me the Moosebucks” Check our Facebook page for more events. Mondays 7pm Bingo Join Us! Checkout our Tuesdays 7pm “Show Me the Moosebucks” gorgeous new Tiki Bar! Wednesdays 7pm Book your Special Events locally open Sat. & Sun. 2 pm until... Live Music & Queen of Hearts Plus! Pool Tournament and support your local Elks Live music Every Friday Night Fridays 7pm at the Liki Tiki Left, Right, Center 92600 Overseas Highway 6-9 pm Tavernier, FL 33070 We are a non-smoking facility

Contact: Sherill Tarbell (315) 244-1314

Catering Packages Available

www. oridakeyselks1872.com mile marker 98.8 in the median

COLORFUL

We always have some thing "Elk-citing" going on! ACTIVITIES AT THE LODGE (Members and Their Guests until further notice) Mondays: Line Dancing Lessons 5 pm ($5 cost) Show me the Money — Fun card game! 6:30 pm Wednesdays: Members Only—Queen of Hearts Fun Starts at 6 pm and the Drawing is at 7:30 pm

Fridays : Live Entertainment from 6-9 pm

WE LIKE COLORFUL! Sunday: Brunch is Back! 10 am to 1 pm Sunday The Coconut Telegraph now has more color pages Bingo starts at 5 pm than ever before. Enjoy it, and if you’re an advertiser, Check out our daily dinner specials by Chef Clark (or would like to be), call us to find out what your ad would cost in color. It’s surprisingly affordable! MM 92.6 Bayside • Tavernier • 305-852-1872 305-304-2837 www. oridakeyselks1872.com 14 • The Coconut Telegraph • January 2021 January 2021 • The Coconut Telegraph • 15

CORONAVIRUS ALERT Conch Characters FACE MASK IS MANDATORY Fun with Grammar • An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the Transmission evening watching the television, getting drunk, and probability is above smoking cigars. • A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cock- Covid19 Carrier 90% Healthy Contact tail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes (without mask) (without mask) pleasantly. Transmission • A bar was walked into by the passive voice. probability is • An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening. Covid19 Carrier 70% Healthy Contact • Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.” (without mask) (with mask) • A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive Transmission purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs probability is and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who Chad Dobson is a popular entertainer Igor and Red Elvises at the Lorelei in December. Loretta Smallwood enjoys the Key Largo at the Pilot House. They will return to the Lorelei on March 17th for an holiday boat parade. takes him for granite. interesting St Patricks Day celebration. Covid19 Carrier 5% Healthy Contact • Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and abso- (with mask) (without mask) lutely destroys everything. Transmission • A question mark walks into a bar? probability is • A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even 1.5% turkeys can fly. Covid19 Carrier Healthy Contact • Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender (with mask) (with mask) says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type." ANY TYPE OF MASK IS • A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the hand- SAFER THAN NO MASK writing on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud. • Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart. PIRATES COVE WATERSPORTS • A synonym strolls into a tavern. • At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh Key Largo Bay Marriott Beach Resort, 103800 Overseas Hwy. as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack. www.pcwatersports.com • A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. Lorelei chef Jason serves a customer at the Congratulations to Al Songer - winner of Lorelei superstar bartenders Ann and Chris kept the With a cute little sentence fragment. annual Customer Appreciation party. December’s Jackass award, Lorelei staff quenched during the annual Staff 305-453-9881 • Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to which the Moose awards to the person who Appreciation party. rasied the most funds for $1 a vote. Good job! the bar floor. • A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered. • An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel. • The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known. • A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph. Jetski & Boat Eco Tours • The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was Sunset Cruises tense. Stand Up Paddleboards • A dyslexic walks into a bra. Boat Rentals • A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines. • A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert. Keys Adventures • A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to Jimmy Johnson’s Big Chill, 104000 Overseas Highway forget. Lynn & Lolly Carpenter with Rascal at Sharkey's. www.keysadventureswatersports.com • A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony. "Crazy Tom" of the Red Elvises, plays the balalaika Some of the West Boca "Moose Riders" visited the 305-731-9472 at the Lorelei during their December tour of the Keys. Lorelei and the Islamorada Moose in December. 16 • The Coconut Telegraph • January 2021 January 2021 • The Coconut Telegraph • 17

Guys, just to let Contagious wins 57th Annual Islamorada Sailfish Tournament Dieting One Week: you know I had the How To Be A Perfect House Guest Russian Covid19 The 57th Annual Islamo- Tackle Center triple header rada Sailfish Tournament at 10:12AM. As the day vaccination yesterday and The tourist season is upon should never impose on their kicked off at the Whale ended, Tackle Center lead us once again and visitors time. If you are riding in the Harbor seafood buffet all day 2 with a total of 8 Man Woman can tell you there galore. If you are fortunate same vehicle and you want to with social distancing and releases followed by the Stopped putting Went to the gym are absolutely enough to have a friend to stay out later than your host, covid restrictions in place. Contagious with 6 and the cream in his for an hour daily no negative visit in the fabulous Florida call Mom's Taxi 305-852- coffee The sailfish action started on Cloud Nine with 5. sideffski efectovski Keys here are some tips that 6000. Friday December 4th and Cut out carbs The final day of fishing secundariosvki might get you invited back. continued over the next two was calm and cloudy. The bite Gave up wine 7. Do not ignore your friend days, concluding Sunday. Kto MoxeT 3to altogether. No one wants to started out slow but Conta- Had the Flu 1. Send money for groceries Over the three days of fish- npoHHTaTb feel as though you are just gious picked at the sails all or bring your own. If you are ing 90 sailfish were released WEIGHT CHANGE: WEIGHT CHANGE: 06oxaio using them for a hostel. Invite day. In the end Contagious planning to stay 5 days or out of 103 called in hookups -10 lbs. +1 lb. your host on your excursions. took home the top honors BnaAHMMpa more send a check ahead of with over $90,000 paid to with 11 releases. flyTHHa! time to cover the cost of 8. Disclose your schedule and the winners. Contagious angler and groceries and other inciden- stick to it. Make sure to The first cold front of Keys Gentle Dentist Travis tals. Do not wait till you arrive mention when you plan to the season greeted 98 Bennett released 5 of those as you may embarrass your leave.This will help your host anglers fishing on 21 boats. fish, winning the Bill Hirni host who will inevitably turn make their own plans. Juan Vilorio aboard the Hell- highpoint angler award. down the offer. So just mail a reyzer would release the 9. Come with ideas about Debbie David of Holly- check with a note about how first sailfish of the three what you want to do and wood FL, fishing aboard the excited you are to be coming. day tournament while Cloud see. Don't expect your host to Relentless with Captain Paul If your visit will be short, a Nine was fighting a double entertain you day and night. header. At the end of day Ross, released 3 sailfish day or two, take your host out one 32 sailfish were released winning the Top Lady Angler to dinner and pay for the meal 10. Even if you don't find all and the Cloud Nine was in the award. instead. the activities your host plans Second and Third Place enjoyable, keep your disap- lead with 5 fish. 2. Show up on time. If you Junior Angler awards went to “Whale Harbor served up pointment to yourself. Your Day two started early for are running late make sure to Laurel David with 2 releases another great event,” stated friend is working hard to Tackle Center as captain call and update your host on and Christopher David with 1 tournament director Dianne entertain you, let them know Charlie Scoble called in a when you will be arriving. triple header of sailfish at release, both fishing aboard Harbaugh. “Things were a you appreciate their efforts. the Relentless. little different with all the 3. Bring a gift. To show your 8:42 AM followed by Last 11. Don't criticize your Dance calling in a double. The Islamorada Sailfish covid protocols but everyone appreciation for the free Captain Brian Cone aboard his charter boat Contagious led anglers friends‛ home town or state. Tournament is the first leg did a great job and had a lodging bring a gift. It doesn't Eleven other sails were Mark Mitchell and Kenneth Padgett both from Charleston, NC, Travis For instance, don't say "it's of the Florida Keys Gold Cup wonderful time”. The have to be big or expensive. released before Donny Lange Bennett and Andy Cone from Tavernier, FL and Greg Tolpin from Key very boring in Marathon." We Sailfish Championship. Largo, FL to the winner’s circle with a total of 11 sailfish releases. Islamorada Sailfish Tourna- Remember the cost of a motel released the third fish of the already know Marathon is ment is the primary fund room in the Keys during the boring! raiser for the Islamorada season starts at $150 a night. Charter Boat Association. Paradise is not cheap. Gifts 12. If your host advises you The Islamorada Sailfish from your home state are to stay away from certain Tournament will continue the always appreciated. tourist traps, take their fight to preserve and protect advice. For instance, if you 4. Clean up after yourself. the fabulous fishing in the visit the place with the giant Make the bed and straighten Florida Keys. More informa- penguin outside your host will up your room. Put your dishes tion on the Islamorada Sail- think you are a moron. fish Tournament can be in the sink or dishwasher. 13. Don't overstay your visit found on the web site www 5. Pitch in. Help carry in the unless you are invited to do so. groceries or take out the Remember after 3 days garbage. Do not wait to be guests, family and fish stink! Second place winning team: Tackle Center. asked. captain Charlie Scoble, with anglers Donny and 14. Strip the bed before you Brad Lange along with Jeffery Dickman and Fritz 6. Do not let your presence leave. It will make it easier Zeher all from Tavernier FL. interfere with your friend's for your host to wash the normal routine. If they work linen.

Meet a few of the animals who are currently available for adoption at the Key Largo Animal Shelter. If you are interested in taking one of these adorable furry friends home, stop by or call. The Shelter is Adopt a Key Largo Animal Shelter Pet located at mile marker 106 Oceanside; phone 305-451-0088.

Rocky Opal Nala & Hooch Leo Jewel

The Conch Republic COCONUT TELEGRAPH

The Conch Republic COCONUT TELEGRAPH

Angelika Sasha Misha Ava Simone RATES D B KEY LARGO MAP PAGE Vertical: 2.44” wide x 4.5“ tall COCONUT $125 per month TELEGRAPH CLASSIFIED ADS Horizontal: 4.5” wide x 2.75” tall BUYING SERVICES FOR SALE FOR SALE FOR SALE $150 per month Robot Vacuum, MM102 Bottom Banner: WE BUY COINS House Cleaning Robot vacuum, instantly 9.75” wide x 2.75” tall No collection too large call Danielle cleans 50 square meters, foot 305-393-2728 activated. $225 per month or too small. We pay Reasonable oers only. cash on the spot and VESSEL SAFETY Mon- Fri: 7am-5pm • Sat: 7:30am-5pm • Sun: 9am-2pm we offer private consultation in our e USCG Auxiliary SQWALLETS $30 location or yours. conducts vessel safety Introducing iMask, iMask Pro, 100% real genuine squirrel. checks at Blackwater iMask Pro Max with inbuilt I can also do google eyes, Call Bill 305.942.0911. sanitizing facility. Ear pieces Sound Marina, colored fur, and wacky sold separately. $900 haircuts. Text 305-555-sqrl MM 103.8 Bayside, every THE KEY PLAYERS Buyers agent is Community Theater Group third Saturday of the needs volunteers to work OPPORTUNITY buying PERSONAL month.Public welcome. behind the scenes & Vintage Costume audition for roles! LOCAL PIZZA SHOP, 305-998-8400 HANDSOME RAKE Jewelry thekeyplayers.org HIRING DIVERS. Out of work leaf raker/ For new, underwater pizza Call & leave msg. GET CLASSIFIED bagger seeks whimsical delivery soon to be 305-304-2837 $10 per col. inch per month! beauty with unkempt available in the Upper chestnut hair, who is cool MUST BE PAID IN ADVANCE The UPS STORE Keys. Must have your own 101425 Overseas Highway with coarse hands, me BC and regulator. Classified ads will not be Classi ed Display Space $15/in. Next to Publix at Tradewinds fishing every day. Respond Tanks supplied. accepted without payment. Drop off ad and payment at Questions? 305•304•2837 to RAKE, c/o Coco-Tel. Call 305-just-kidding 20 • The Coconut Telegraph • January 2021 January 2021 • The Coconut Telegraph • 21

In most of the United States them is a policy of checking on any Coco‘Nut’ Funnies stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single Estate Planning Be good to your digits or below. About 3 AM one very cold morning, Montana State Dave was a single guy, living at spouse. Remember, home with his father and working Trooper Allan Nixon #658 respond- What’s the difference in the family business. He knew right now they could ed to a call; there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside that he would inherit a fortune poison you and it between a cat and a Great Falls, Montana. He located once his sickly father died. would be counted as a comma? the car, stuck in deep snow, with covid death. Dave wanted two things: the engine still running. One is a pause at the end of a clause, • to learn how to invest his inheri- Pulling in behind the car with his and the other has tance and, emergency lights on, the trooper • to find a wife to share his for- walked to the driver’s door to find claws at the end of tune. an older man passed out behind its paws. the wheel with a nearly empty One evening at an investment vodka bottle on the seat beside , meeting, he spotted the most him. The driver came awake beautiful woman he had ever seen. when the trooper tapped on the Her natural beauty took his breath window. Seeing the rotating lights away. In his rearview mirror, and the state trooper standing next to his “I may look like just an ordinary car, the man panicked. He jerked man,” he said to her, “but in just a the gearshift into ‘drive’ and hit few years, my father will die, and the gas. I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.” The car’s speedometer was show- Impressed, the woman obtained ing 20-30-40 and then 50 MPH, but his business card. it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a Two weeks later, she became his With a very seductive voice sense of humor, began running in A man in northern Minnesota stepmother. a wife asked her husband “Have place next to the speeding (but woke up one morning to find a you ever seen twenty dollars all stationary) car. The driver was to- bear on his roof. He looked in the crumpled up?” tally freaked, thinking the trooper Yellow Pages, and sure enough, “No” said her husband. was actually keeping up with him. there was an ad for “Up North She gave him a sexy little This goes on for about 30 seconds, Bear Removers.” He called the smile, unbuttoned the top three then the trooper yelled. “PULL number listed and the bear remov- buttons of her blouse and slowly OVER!” er said he’d be over within an hour. reached down in her cleavage The man nodded, turned his The bear remover arrived, and got created by a soft, silky push-up wheel and stopped the 1 engine. out of his van. He had a ladder, bra and pulled out a crumpled Needless to say, the man from twenty dollar Bill. He took the North Dakota was arrested and a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shot- crumpled twenty from her and is probably still shaking his head gun, and a mean looking, heavily smiled approvingly. over the state trooper in Montana scarred old pit bull. She then asked “Have you who could run 50 miles per hour. ever seen fifty dollars all crum- “What are you going to do.?” the pled up?” Who says troopers don’t have a homeowner asked. sense of humor? “No I haven’t” he said with “I’m going to put this ladder up an anxious tone in his voice. against the roof, then I’m going to She gave him another sexy go up there, and knock the bear little smile pulled up her skirt, off the roof with this baseball bat. seductively reached into her When the bear falls off the roof, tight, sheer panties and pulled the pit bull is trained to grab his out a crumpled fifty dollar bill. testicles, and not let go. The bear He took the crumpled fifty will then be subdued enough for and started breathing a little me to put him in the cage in the quicker with anticipation. back of the van. “Now” she said “Have you ever seen 50,000 dollars all He then handed the shotgun to crumpled up?” the homeowner. “What’s the shot- “No way” he said, becoming gun for?” the homeowner asked. even more aroused and excited to which she replied: “Go look in “If the bear knocks me off the the garage.” roof, you shoot the dog.” 22 • The Coconut Telegraph • January 2021 January 2021 • The Coconut Telegraph • 23

Crock Pot BLACK EYED PEAS Serves 8 7 WAYS TO Send an uplifting text to a friend 1 or family member. In my Yankee family it is a superstitious tradition that we must eat some START peas, any kind of peas on New Years day to insure that you will have MAKING Let that guy merge into traffic enough money to get you through the year. In the south it must be Black 2 with a wave and a smile. Eyed Peas and nothing else will do. For those of you who are like I was KINDNESS there is no need to panic. Here is a super easy recipe that will make you THE NORM 3 Include intentional moments of feel like a gourmet chef. IN YOUR kindness, laughter and delight in If you missed this tradition on New Years Day, you can catch up. It is your daily routine. DAILY LIFE: better late than never and after the year 2020 it is better to be safe Go slightly outside of your Pushing Buttons than sorry! 4 comfort zone at least once a day When someone continues to open our old wounds on purpose, to make someone smile. they must be told that their behavior is no longer welcome. Ingredients Instructions 1 1 /2 lb dried black eyed peas, 1.Soak beans overnight in a large bowl 5 Share a compliment with a We've all had our buttons the case, when our buttons rinsed and soaked overnight with 6-8 cups of water. Drain the next morning co-worker or friend. pushed to the point where we get pushed, the person who 4 cups water 2.Add beans to the slow cooker feel we can't take it any more, most needs our attention and 8 oz smoked ham Reach out to a family member 6 and chances are, we've all caring is us, and blaming the 1 medium onion 3.Add in water, ham, onion, green chilies, garlic, you haven't spoken to in awhile. chili powder, pepper and cumin pushed somebody else's button pusher only distracts 2 cloves garlic minced buttons, with or without know- us from finding a true resolu- Treat someone to a cup of coffee 3 oz can green chilies 4.Stir gently to combine 7 ing it. The button pusher may tion to our suffering. (a friend, a stranger, or even not be conscious of what At the same time, if someone 1 1/2 tsp chili powder 5.Cook on high for 6 hours and check seasoning yourself). 1 1/2 tsp pepper they're doing, but in the end continually opens our wounds 6.Add in more salt and other seasonings as necessary, 1 tsp cumin the buttons belong to us, and so that they never have time keep cooking until ready to serve Enjoy! we are the ones who must deal to heal, we are well within our #WorldKindnessDay randomactsofkindness.org with what comes up. The more rights to set a boundary with we take responsibility for our that person. own feelings and reactions, the less tender these buttons will Compulsive button pushers, Please help " x" pet overpopulation be. who seem to find pleasure or by spaying and neutering your pets. satisfaction in hurting us, are Business in the Keys We've all had the experience not welcome in our personal Free spay and neuter clinics 24-HR RAY of having someone snap at us, space. In the end, knowing SERVICE at Key Largo Animal Shelter, We are MORE seemingly out of nowhere. This where our buttons are enables Al s Carpet normally every 2 weeks. ’ than just Carpet! happens when we unconsciously us to do the work necessary to Carpet • Area Rugs This program is privately funded push a button in someone else heal. Freedom comes when we Commercial & Residential • State Certified Contractor Tile • Vinyl • Wood CFC057546 / Licensed & Insured by Humane Animal Care Coalition we didn't even know was there. deal with the pain behind the Laminate • Shutters for Upper Keys residents. CERTIFIED MASTER PLUMBER SPECIALIST This can happen with a com- button, thus disconnecting our [email protected] Window Coverings Please call the shelter for plete stranger and sometimes automatic reaction to being Office: (305) 853-1848 97671 Overseas Hwy (305) 451-4460 99264 Overseas Hwy • Key Largo • Bayside details and appointments. Cell: (305) 772-4580 Key Largo, FL 33037 Open Monday to Friday 9am to 6pm and Saturday 9am to 5pm with a person we've known and pushed. been close to for years. We Mile marker 106 Oceanside • phone 305-451-0088 The Conch Republic Quality Web design at affordable rates. Barbara Eads ourselves may have a relation- GRI, CRS.TRC, CIPS, CLHMS, SFR, REOS COCONUT TELEGRAPH Licensed Real Estate Broker Independently Owned Local Newspaper ship with someone whose Upper Keys buttons we secretly like to Denise Malefyt Web Design Barbara Eads Realty, Inc. PUBLISHER Web Design 91770 Overseas Highway push. Buttons are just soft 305.304.2837 Website Tavernier, FL 33070 spots that have been touched www.TheConchTelegraph.com Renovations Omar Perez Off: (305) 853-5982 1952 COST OF LIVING [email protected] [email protected] Cell: (305) 586-7326 one too many times, and they 101425 Overseas Hwy., PMB #628 E-Commerce Fax: (305) 853-5987 Key Largo, Florida Keys 33037 305.453.4281 symbolize some pain that needs Maintenance www.upperkeys.net Email: [email protected] New House $9,075. Website: www.keysforsale.com to be acknowledged and healed. Average Income $3,850. per year This may be a wound from New Car $1,754. PHONES childhood, or some recent Average Rent $80. per month FIXED FAST trauma, that we haven't Advertise Here Tuition: Harvard University $600. per year adequately tended. Whatever $30 per month Movie Ticket 70¢ each (4 MONTH MINIMUM, PAID IN ADVANCE) 305-896-1675 call or text Gasoline 20¢ per gallon [email protected] Drop off check and biz card to Reprinted from DailyOM - Inspirational thoughts for a happy, United States Postage Stamp 3¢ each KeysSmartphoneRepair.com The UPS Store, MM 101.4 Oceanside healthy and fulfilling day. Register for free at www.dailyom.com 90270 Overseas Hwy., Tavernier, FL 33070 That $600 check would be looking pretty good... if it were 1952! Inside the Marathon Gas Station at mm90 Bayside next to Publix in the Tradewinds Plaza. 24 • The Coconut Telegraph • January 2021

Islamorada

MM82 at the Mermaid Nightly SUNSET CELEBRATION! Voted the best sunset location year after year! LoreleiCabanaBar.com 305-664-2692 This Month’s Live Entertainment and Events at the Lorelei Happy Hour 7 days • 4-6pm $3 Well Drinks $1 off Bottle Beers Lorelei can host private parties, $1 off House Wines weddings and rehearsal dinners. See our website for details. $1.25 Domestic Drafts $2.25 Specialty Drafts

Open for Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner • 7am-10pm Enjoy breakfast on the deck overlooking the water. Enjoy lunch or dinner on the beach.

The Rockin' Magic of MICHAEL TRIXX Most MONDAYS • WEDNESDAYS • FRIDAYS at Sunset

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