House & Home Dating published by Barnes & Noble Get an A+ in chemistry.

You meet new people almost everywhere you go, but for some reason, meeting the right person is one of life’s most elusive challenges. Master the dating scene and get the romance results you want by picking up: • Information on the best places to meet dates online and in person • Tips on how to arrange a first date and make the best impression possible • Advice on how to work up the courage and confidence to date successfully

people to become paying members, and some sites • Meetup.com: Meetup claims to have more than 2.5 Dating Basics even screen potential users. These criteria help to million members. It’s a departure from more popular To some, the word dating conjures images of laughing weed out people who are not serious about dating or social networking sites, as its primary service is to couples clinking wineglasses as they watch a spectacular who are not a good fit for the site. help people with shared interests find each other and sunset. The reality many people experience, though, is more organize gatherings in various cities. Though Meetup often about sweaty palms and dread. But it doesn’t have to Social Networking Websites doesn’t have the same types of interactive features be that way. Dating is a numbers game: the more people you Social networking websites provide an easy and fun plat- as Facebook, MySpace, and Friendster, it does have a meet, the more likely you are to meet someone you’ll like. form for users to get and stay connected. You can share pho- large community of interest groups, so it’s easy to find And the more you date, the better you’ll get at it. tos and messages with people you know who also have an one that suits you. There are many avenues through which you can meet account on the site, and you can “meet” new people as well. potential dates: Social networking sites have been around since the mid- Dating Websites 1990s but gained steam in the early 2000s, when the general Dating sites provide an electronic platform for members • The internet: If you’re new to meeting people on the public started becoming more internet-savvy. They are free to meet, allowing them to view each other’s pictures, read internet, it can feel a bit awkward at first. But the web to join and use, though some require that you receive an about each others’ interests, and, of course, communicate. has actually become one of the most popular ways to invitation from another member in order to sign up. The internet offers dozens of dating sites, which vary in size meet people. (For more information on internet dating, Social networking sites can also be a great place to from a few thousand to several million members, and each see Online Dating.) reach out to new people as potential dates. They allow you site caters to varying demographics and tastes. But most • Group activities: Community groups, neighborhood to communicate with strangers or acquaintances in your dating sites share certain basic features. When you join, sports teams, dining clubs, and other group activities social network—even former classmates or old flames—in you generally: allow you to interact with people who share your a casual, nonthreatening setting. The most popular social interests. (For more information on group activities, see networking websites include: • Agree to the site’s terms of service. Meeting People Through Traditional Methods.) • Complete a profile and, for best results, submit photos • Social events: Parties and gatherings offer a fun, • Facebook.com: Facebook claims to have more than of yourself. pressure-free environment in which you can get to 61 million active users. Facebook lets you build up • Pay to contact members, even if membership is free. know people who are often within your social network. a community of friends made up of other members • Receive a private mailbox from which you send and (For more information on social events, see Meeting you know. Facebook users are allowed to view any receive internal emails. You can often communicate via People Through Traditional Methods.) member’s list of friends. That way, you can see who your instant message as well. friends’ friends are, and so on. You can then reach out to someone who interests you by sending him or her a How to Create an Internet Dating Profile Online Dating message through Facebook’s internal email. Members When you first sign up for a dating website, you are Almost a third of Americans say they know someone who can view a limited version of your profile before replying prompted to complete a profile—the internet equivalent of has gone online to look for love. Online dating is easier to any messages you send. a personal ad. The profile often consists of multiple-choice than traditional methods because, essentially, it lets you • MySpace.com: One of the largest social-networking questions about your background and interests as well as view people from a distance before meeting them in per- sites, MySpace claims to have more than 100 million essay questions that allow you to speak in your own words. son. Signing up is quick. All you need is a computer and active users. The site began as a platform for musicians Your goal in designing a profile should be to make the best sometimes a credit card. Plus, you can conduct your online to attract a broader audience, but quickly grew into a first impression possible. Though a good profile may not search in the comfort of your home. general-interest social networking site that encouraged guarantee you a date, a bad profile can sabotage your The most popular places to meet people online are: users of all types to join. Like Facebook, MySpace allows chances. Use the following tips to create an online dating members to build up a community of friends, view their profile that gets noticed: • Social networking websites: The primary purpose friends’ friends, and reach out to other members via of social networking sites is to help you stay connected internal email messaging. Members can view your profile • Be expressive yet brief: Though everyone expresses with friends and colleagues or meet new ones. But before replying to any messages you send. themselves differently, it’s a good rule of thumb to aim that’s precisely why these sites are a great place to • Friendster.com: Founded in 2002, Friendster was one for 2–3 sentences per paragraph and 2–3 paragraphs meet potential dates. You may feel more comfortable of the earliest social networking sites, and, reportedly, total when describing yourself or the type of person interacting with people who are in your existing social it still has 54 million members. Friendster offers many you’re looking for. Avoid generality. Include details that network and can be vouched for by people you know. of the typical social networking website features but interest and intrigue people. For hints on composition, • Dating websites: These sites exist exclusively for has become somewhat outmoded in recent years with read other members’ ads and note what appeals to you dating and allow you to search for potential dates who the emergence of newer social networking sites. and what doesn’t. fit your particular criteria. Most dating sites require www.quamut.com Dating

• Be conversational: Don’t think of your profile as a discover will most likely be closer to the type of person a request (for nonsmokers, for example), take note. résumé. Formal language can make you come across you’re looking for. Menu options allow for varying degrees This person has taken the time to express a personal as stiff, boring, or even unapproachable. Use the same of specificity, but almost all sites allow you to search preference, and ignoring it suggests that you either tone in your profile that you’d use in an email to a according to: didn’t read the profile or don’t take the request friend. If you use contractions in everyday speech, for seriously. Neither interpretation reflects well on you. example, use them in your profile as well. • Astrological sign • Accept that the object of your desire might not • Convey a sense of humor: Humor suggests that you • Ethnicity/race respond. A polite follow-up email a week after the first don’t take yourself too seriously. But be careful. Humor • Education is permissible, but don’t email someone who doesn’t is also conveyed through tone of voice and gestures, • Drinking/smoking preferences reply more than twice, and don’t pester someone who and these are not always discernible online. If a line • Faith sends a “thanks, but no thanks” response. could cause offense, delete it. • Living situation • Don’t “collect call.” Some sites allow you to push the • Avoid clichés: Announcing that you love life may be • Nutrition and exercise habits cost of the email (in terms of “points” spent) onto the candid, but it’s not particularly noteworthy. Mention the • Physical traits respondent. It’s rude. Don’t do it. traits, interests, or memorable anecdotes that make • Political stance • Don’t spend all day waiting for your crush to get you stand out. If you’re a thrill seeker, an animal lover, • Relationship status back to you. Check your email once a day, and limit or a bookworm, talk about it in a little detail. Those are • Turn-ons and turn-offs your time online. the things that set you apart. • Don’t delay meeting someone. An email relationship • Be honest: Truthfulness about your features and How to Contact People on Dating Websites is only a stepping stone to a real relationship. After a background shows that you’re confident and proud of Once you complete your search, profiles of the people who week or two of emails or phone calls, find out if you’re who you are. Though some people do lie about their fit your requirements become visible to you, and you can compatible in person. age, height, or weight, it’s not a good idea. After all, reach out to those who interest you by: your correspondents are going to find out the truth if Additional Dating Website Features you end up dating them, and they’ll likely resent your • Winking: Sites have various terms for it, but winking In addition to the typical profile, browsing, and searching lack of honesty. is a universal dating-site function that allows you to features, many sites offer additional ones such as: • Keep it clean: Avoid graphic descriptions of your sex communicate interest in someone without sending her life or the sex life you hope to have with a stranger. an actual message. This option requires less effort, • Keyword search • Check your spelling and grammar: Spelling and especially if you’re new to online dating and have cold • Username search grammar errors make you seem at best lazy and at feet about contacting people. But understand that • Ability to save search criteria worst illiterate. In any event, they’re a turn-off to many some interpret this action as lazy or halfhearted, so • Ability to view the people who’ve looked at your profile people. In terms of style, avoid using all capital letters you may not always receive a response. • Ability to bookmark profiles that catch your eye because it’s difficult to read, and it’s the internet • Instant messaging: If the person you’re interested in • Value-added content, such as articles on creating equivalent of shouting. is logged onto the site at the same time you are, you profiles, choosing pictures, and contacting people • Post a photo: All sites recommend posting a picture, can often send the person an instant message. This and some require it. Members with photos are up to function is just like typical instant messaging, but you Dating Websites: Read the Fine Print 15 times more likely to be viewed as those without, must be logged onto the dating site to use it. Costs vary, but many dating websites offer discounts if you according to Match.com, a popular dating site. Your • Email messaging: Dating websites provide you with a sign up for longer membership periods. Most sites allow you photo should date within the past year and reflect what free mailbox through which you can send and receive to sign up for one month, three months, six months, or one you actually look like, give or take a haircut or two. messages. When reaching out to someone via email year. All the sites listed here have written privacy policies, Also, note that many people are suspicious of those message, introduce yourself politely, make reference so be sure to consult them before joining. who don’t post photos. The implication is that the to something in the person’s profile—either something camera-shy have something to hide. You may have a that caught your eye or something the two of you have Popular Dating Websites valid reason for not posting a photo, but without one, in common—and express your interest. If you don’t There are dating websites for just about every kind of inter- you’re fighting an uphill battle. hear back in a few days, it’s okay to follow up. But if est. The following are only a few examples. you still don’t get a response, move on. How to Browse and Search for People on Dating Websites Site Special Features Once you submit a profile, start perusing the website’s data- Email Dos and Don’ts BlackSingles • Targets African American base of users. You can do this in one of two ways: browsing When sending an email to a member who’s caught your eye: www.blacksingles.com singles. or searching. • Posts testimonials from • Be brief and polite. Express your interest and include hundreds of satisfied Browse Online Profiles a link to your photo and profile if possible. If you don’t couples. Browsing is a more casual way to look through a large have a profile, include your name, the city you live in, assortment of profiles gathered according to basic set of and what you liked about the person’s ad. Something Chemistry • Requires members to fill out www.chemistry.com the Chemistry Profile, which criteria. For instance, you can often browse for people as simple as “Hi. I really enjoyed your profile and includes a question about according to gender, age, and location only. would love to chat” is fine, but you might get a better the length of your index response if you mention something that you have in finger, a measurement that Searching Online Profiles common: “You wrote that you want to learn to play the supposedly indicates your Search functions on dating websites let you search for guitar—I’ve played for years.” Or you could try a joke: testosterone levels. people according to particular criteria. Though the results “I noticed that you work with children. That’s such a • Matches members by of a search may be limited in comparison to the profiles coincidence because I was once a child myself.” analyzing their personal- showcased through browsing, those profiles that you do • Pay attention. If the object of your interest makes ity type.

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ChristianSingles • Targets Christians looking PlanetOut • Caters to the lesbian, gay, Meet Dates Through Hobbies www.christiansingles. for marriage. www.planetout.com bisexual, and transgender Going to the gym, book groups, sporting events, and vol- com • You must be Christian, but communities. unteer activities allows you to meet someone who shares membership is open to a • Offers news stories your interests. Activities also provide built-in conversation wide variety of denomina- and information on starters (such as “Didn’t they play well?” or “What did you tions. local events. think of the book?”). Most of these activities take place in eHarmony • Members must be The Right Stuff • Targets single graduates relaxed, social environments, where conversation comes a www.eharmony.com approved. www.rightstuffdating. and faculty of a select little more naturally. • Matches heterosexuals com group of top-notch uni- only. versities and colleges Drawbacks of Meeting Dates Through Hobbies • Claims that “90 eHarmony (requires that members The downside of meeting dates through hobbies is that members marry daily.” provide proof). these activities are not intimate. You’re surrounded by like- • Also has an off-site FastCupid • Affiliated with www.nerve. minded enthusiasts, so quiet conversation (or flirting) may (mailed) component. www.fastcupid.com com. be difficult. Also, because socializing is taken for granted, • Has an international • Has as many as 1 it may be difficult to indicate your attraction or gauge a presence. million members. person’s interest in you. • Has fewer multiple-choice True • Runs background checks questions and more em- www.true.com on applicants and does Meet Dates on the Social Scene phasis on self-expression. not accept felons or mar- Take your friends with you to bars, parties, alumni events, ried people as members. and other types of mixers. When you’re with people you Geek2Geek • Uses a special “scoring • Offers a compatibility test know and the mood is convivial, flirting is easier. www.gk2gk.com system” to match up sin- that is endorsed by Psy- gles with similar degrees chology Today magazine. Drawbacks of Meeting Dates on the Social Scene of “geekiness.” • Hosts local singles’ events. • Members answer questions Many social events are not particularly private, and it can • Has a video-dating option. about preferred video-game be difficult to talk to someone one-on-one, let alone show controllers and upcoming VeggieDate • Targets Adventist, Bud- romantic interest. conventions. www.veggiedate.com dhist, Bahai, Taoist, Hindu, macrobiotic, raw food, Meet Dates at Singles’ Events JDate • Is the premier dating site and vegan singles. Speed dating, group dinners, and events sponsored by www.jdate.com for people of the Jewish • Database is small, with religious organizations attract people who are available and faith and those who want about 16,000 members. enthusiastic. Speed dating is great if you’re short on time to date them. but want to meet many people. Events sponsored by local • JDate’s Your Click! matches Yahoo • Offers free “Icebreaker” religious organizations provide a spiritual context. Group members who mutually personals.yahoo.com messages, personality dinners, organized by introduction services, allow you to express interest in one tests, and dating advice. meet potential mates in a more leisurely manner. another. • Offers Matches by Mail, a service that sends you Lavalife • Most of its 1.2 million profiles that fit your Drawbacks of Meeting Dates at Singles’ Events www.lavalife.com members are 18–34 requirements. Singles’ events can be competitive, with many people years old. contending for the attention of a particularly charismatic • Includes a special service, Offline Options for Dating or attractive guest. It’s also hard not to feel as if you’re on LavalifePRIME, for mem- Personal ads in newspapers and magazines may seem old- display when you first arrive. bers 45 and older. Has a fashioned, but they’re still a great way to meet someone if phone-based personals you’re seeking people who live in a certain area. Most media Meet Dates Through Professional Services platform. that publish personals also offer a voicemail component, so Matchmakers and dating coaches are great resources if Match • Claims it has 15 million you can record a greeting and listen to other people’s ads. you want a lot of guidance, have no time to look for your- www.match.com members. Contact your local paper for more information. self, or prefer personalized dating help. Matchmakers and • Offers testimonials from introduction services will usually run a background check friends of members. on you and set you up with people they think you’ll get • Offers matchMobile, a Meeting People Through along with based on your stated goals and interests. Dating phone platform. Traditional Methods coaches work one-on-one with you to help you make good • Offers Windows Live first impressions and get dates. alerts, which notify For those who prefer to meet without the aid of a computer Windows Live members or an ad, there are lots of options, including: Drawbacks of Meeting Dates Through instantly via email or text Professional Services when someone has mes- • Work Professional services are often expensive, and the quality saged or winked at them. • Hobbies varies. There is no state licensing exam for dating coaches, MillionaireMatch • Matches “millionaires”— • The social scene so do some research before you sign a contract. Ask friends www.millionaire.com those making more than • Singles events for recommendations and contact the Better Business $150,000 a year (you • Support staff Bureau to make sure there have been no complaints. Also, need not be a millionaire be sure to ask the company for references from satisfied to join). Meet Dates at Work customers. • Has a one-to-one premium Most people spend a good portion of their day at work, service for celebrities. and relationships can form and flourish on the job. It’s easy How to Approach People OkCupid • Uses an algorithm that to meet and get to know a coworker because you’re both It’s easy to be bold when you’re interacting with people www.okcupid.com asks members about reporting to the same place every day and interacting with online, but in real life, the idea of approaching a stranger themselves and allows each other. can be unnerving. But public places are rife with potential members to indicate dates, as long as you have the confidence to meet them. To how their ideal match Drawbacks of Meeting Dates at Work approach a stranger confidently and nonthreateningly: would answer the same One drawback to dating a coworker is that if you break up, question. you still have to work with each other while maintaining a 1. Be visible: Stand close enough to make eye contact • Has a large number of professional demeanor. Think cafefully before you start to but not so close that your object of interest can’t walk member-created quizzes date a coworker. If you are only seeking casual companion- away. Leave at least four feet between you. Catch the on a variety of subjects. ship, you might want to save the romance for someone who person’s eye, smile, and then look away. doesn’t sit a few cubicles away. 2. Read the signals: Does your crush return your smile or avoid your eyes? Is he or she in the midst of a conversation? Look for evidence of approachability: p3 www.quamut.com Dating

1. a few physical indicators are a wide-foot stance, can’t see or respond to facial expressions and body like a slob but not so tight that you can’t breathe. If it relaxed shoulders, and a smile. Though it’s okay to language, which can make the conversation awkward. involves torn clothes or is suitable only for sleeping or approach someone in a group, you should never • Via email: An electronic invite minimizes the nerves exercising, skip it. interrupt two people in conversation. If the person that come with real-time interaction, but you may face • Flatter your figure: Draw attention to the parts of your appears to be available, walk on over. a delayed response or no response at all. body you like. For instance, if you’ve got great upper 2. Say something genuine: Start with a simple “Hello.” arms, wear a short-sleeved shirt. An opening line such as “I don’t know anyone here, do How to Deal with Rejection • Dress to maintain your confidence: Wear clothes you?” is disarming and friendly. Start the conversation Don’t take a no as evidence that you are destined to remain that make you feel attractive, polished, and comfortable. by commenting on something or someone in the room. single forever. Rejection is part of dating, and the sooner In other words, wear the clothes you feel best in. you accept it, the better off you’ll be. If you get “no” as • Err on the side of formality: If you’re not sure what an answer: to wear, go with a blazer and button-down shirt or a How to Ask Someone Out knee-length skirt. It’s better to be overdressed rather It takes a fair amount of confidence and courage to ask • Keep your chin up: Try not to take it too personally. than underdressed for a date. someone out on a date. You’ll get much better results if Odds are, this person didn’t know you very well • Obey the time of day: Dress more formally in the you’re genuine and considerate. Once you’ve got the atten- anyway. Don’t let his or her decision get you down or evening than you would for a daytime date. tion of your object of desire: scare you away from future encounters. • Spin it to your advantage: If you can pinpoint the Mind Your Manners Before a Date • Engage him or her in conversation. reason he or she declined—maybe you were being When getting ready for a date, pay special attention to: • Gauge his or her interest in going out with you. too aggressive or timid, or your timing was bad—try to • Exchange contact information learn from it. • Grooming: It may be what’s on the inside that counts, • Back down with integrity: If someone says no, but a well-kept outside is important. Remember to: How to Engage Someone in Conversation respect his or her decision. Don’t harp on it, get angry, • Shower or bathe Honest admiration shows that you like the person and are or demand an explanation. Wish him or her well and • Shave, if necessary confident enough to show it. If you are drawn to someone, move on. • Comb your hair indicate it in the following ways: • Jump right back in: Don’t dwell on rejection. Instead, • Brush your teeth and run your toothbrush across give it hardly any time to register. Go to a party or other your tongue to kill bad breath • Pay a sincere compliment: Statements such as social event and mingle with people. It will put the • Trim or pluck any stray hairs from your ears, nose, “You’re really funny!” or “That makes a lot of sense!” situation into perspective: that person was just one in and chin indicate your appreciation. If you notice and remark a sea of many. • Make sure your nails are clean on someone’s good qualities, the person’s bound to • Timeliness: Promptness is common courtesy and appreciate it and will probably respond in kind. How to Say No to a Date Offer shows you understand that your date’s time, like your • Solicit your potential date’s opinion on a subject: Rejection feels bad for both parties involved. Don’t say yes own, is valuable. Calculate exactly how much time This suggests that you think highly of the person. to someone you don’t want to go out with just to spare his you’ll need to get to your meeting place and give • Smile: The theory of facial feedback posits that when or her feelings. To decline with class: yourself another half hour for travel time, just in case. If you smile, you actually feel happier because your you’re running late, call as soon as you can to let your muscles’ memory associates the smile with pleasure. • Be polite but firm: Say something along the lines of date know you’re on your way. Plus, smiling shows that you’re nonthreatening and you “I’m flattered, but I don’t think I’m interested.” • Turn off your cell phone: If you’re expecting an find the person you’re smiling at attractive. • Tell a white lie: If it’s more comfortable for you to tell important call, let your date know in advance. • Agree on something: If you don’t agree on something, a little white lie, keep it innocuous—for example, “I wish Otherwise, turn off your ringer and don’t accept or don’t pretend to. But if you genuinely feel the same I could, but this just isn’t a good time for me.” Of course, make calls or text messages while you’re on the date. way about a particular basketball team’s prospects or this type of reply may lead to the inevitable question Doing otherwise is rude. a film you’ve just seen, for example, say so. It creates “Why not?”—at which point it’s okay to confess “You’re • Your attitude: Start off the evening (or day) intimacy of experience. great, but I think we’d be better as friends” or something determined to have a good time. Think to yourself, “I’m else equally straightforward and inoffensive. Don’t tell a going out, and this should be fun,” and then go into How to Exchange Contact Information lie that you are likely to get caught in. the situation with an open mind. Banish thoughts such If you don’t want to ask for a date right away, dip your toes as “Oh, no, I’ve got to make small talk with someone in by getting the person’s contact information at the end How to Plan a Date I barely know.” Negative thoughts will only sabotage of the conversation. After you’ve expressed your pleasure When planning a first date: your date before it even begins. at meeting, say something like “I’d love to talk some more. Can I have your number?” or “I’d love to talk some other • Suggest an actual activity: For a first date, go for time.” A few tips: a structured activity that can help jumpstart the The Date conversation if things get awkward. Spend some time planning your first date. There will be plenty • When exchanging phone numbers: Don’t ask for • Time it carefully: Ask for a date about a week in of opportunity for spontaneity later on, but certain factors someone’s phone number if you don’t plan on calling, advance. This lets the person you’re interested in know can, and should, be controlled. A first date should be: and do not give out your number if you don’t want to. that while you both have busy schedules, the date is Though it may feel awkward to refuse, it’s perfectly a priority. Since weekend nights tend to be booked • Brief: You don’t know how compatible you’ll be, so fine. Most people prefer to soften the blow by making well in advance, for a first date, ask someone out for plan to stick to two hours or less. If you want, indicate the rejection situational rather than personal: “I’m not a weeknight. beforehand that you’ll have to be somewhere else at dating now” or “I’m sorry, but I’m not really available” • Be specific but flexible: Be sure to offer different days a specific time. If the date goes badly, it hasn’t taken are both fine. or activity options to maximize your chances of appealing much time. And if it’s gone well, your date will be left • When exchanging email addresses: An alternative to your would-be date. For instance, you may want to go wanting more. to giving out your number is giving out a card with your to dinner, but if your crush has some dietary restrictions, • Inexpensive: Regardless of who is planning to pick email information or an office number. If you don’t have offer to meet for a drink or dessert instead. up the tab, it’s considerate to choose a place with a card, scribble your address on a napkin or a piece reasonable prices. of paper. • One-on-one: Save the introductions to parents, How to Get Ready for a Date children, and siblings for another time. You don’t want How to Request a Date The person you’re going out with will appreciate the time to worry about what his or her relatives think of you or According to your comfort level, you can ask someone out: and effort you put into preparing for the date. vice versa. That’s too much pressure.

• In person: This method makes you seem brave and What to Wear for a Date Places to Go on a Date self-assured, which are both appealing qualities. Once you’ve picked a place to meet, plan your outfit accordingly. A first date should allow you to get to know one another and Plus, it usually guarantees an immediate answer. The do something you both enjoy. So if you don’t ski, be sure to drawback, of course, is that you may face rejection in a • Dress appropriately: Dress either casually, formally, or let your date know if he or she suggests you hit the slopes. more public and potentially embarrassing manner. somewhere in between, depending on where you’re going. Here are some popular first-date options and the pros and • On the phone: Though asking someone out by phone • Look put-together: Aim to impress your date. Your cons of each. allows you to make a quick exit if you’re rejected, you outfit should be tailored enough that you don’t look p4 www.quamut.com Dating

Venue Pros Cons How to Interact on a Date Bar • Relaxing atmosphere. • If you drink too much, you • Alcohol (consumed responsi- may embarrass yourself. You’ve said hello, greeted your date by name, and shaken hands or exchanged a quick kiss. bly) can ease your inhibitions. • Bars can get crowded and So far, so good. Now it’s onto conversation—the part when you really get to know one • Usually inexpensive. loud—especially during another. Don’t worry too much about impressing your date. Instead, concentrate on making happy hour and on week- your date feel comfortable and sociable, and let your date do the same for you. ends—making conversation difficult. Be an Active Listener Even more important than being a scintillating conversationalist is being a good listener. Coffee/tea bar • Casual atmosphere. • Can be noisy. Listening attentively and offering feedback lets your date know that you’re really interested • Inexpensive. • The ambience isn’t always in what he or she has to say. To be a better listener on a date: • Often features live musical romantic. entertainment. 1. Make eye contact: If you have a hard time holding someone’s gaze, look away briefly, Restaurant • Meal gives you something to • Can be pricey. then refocus on the person. Or try looking at one eye rather than both—it’s easier. occupy yourselves with as • Can be loud, especially on 2. Raise your brows slightly: This makes you look wide-eyed, alert, and interested. you talk. weekends and in popular 3. Nod: A nod says “Go on, I’m interested in what you have to say.” • Time to get to know places. 4. Don’t interrupt: You may feel compelled to interject “Me too! I feel exactly the same one another. way!” when your date says something, but don’t do it. It’s discourteous. Instead, signal • May provide an intimate your agreement with a nod or a smile. setting. 5. Lean toward the person when he or she is talking: You don’t have to get too close. Theater or • Built-in entertainment. • Not the best venue for Just angle your upper body toward your date. It shows that you’re paying attention. Movie • No pressure to make conver- getting to know someone sation during a movie. you just met. What to Talk About on a Date • Provides something to talk It’s possible to keep conversation general and light but still interesting when you first go out about afterwards. with someone. A few subjects to consider include: Sporting event • Built-in entertainment. • Can be loud, depending on • Cheering for a team or player the sport. • Your favorite things: Talking about something you enjoy is relaxing and comes together can be a bonding • Can be too quiet to encour- naturally. To put your date at ease, ask about his or her favorite food, movie, vacation experience. age conversation, depending spot, book, or something else you think might be of interest to him or her. • The sport can occupy you as on the sport. • Your background: Your personal story—whether you’re an only child from a big city you get to know each other. • Not intimate. or you grew up on a farm in a family of eight—is what makes you interesting. Share some personal (but not too personal) anecdotes, and prompt your date to do the same. Party • Casual, friendly atmosphere. • The number of people pres- • Current events: Is there a popular story you’ve been following in the news? Your date • Usually inexpensive. ent can keep you from get- might be doing the same. Bring it up. • Often includes food and ting to know each other. cocktails, giving you some- • Even the most decent per- Ask Open-Ended Questions thing to occupy yourselves son can become unbearable Open-ended questions are questions that require a more elaborate answer than just yes with as you get to know after too many cocktails. each other. or no. When conversation flags, open-ended questions can spark it back up. Examples of open-ended, date-appropriate questions include “So what brought you to…?” and “What Activity • Provides a topic of • If you don’t like the activity, made you decide to become a…?” (museums, conversation. you probably won’t enjoy cooking • Provides a physical the date. Avoid Taboo Conversation Topics lessons, etc.) distraction. • If you don’t excel at the On a first date, don’t talk about: • Often inexpensive. activity, you can feel inse- cure about the impression • Politics: Political beliefs bring out strong feelings. Your first date should involve getting you’re making on your date. to know one another, not proving you’re right in an acrimonious debate. • Religion: Like politics, religion is very personal, and the same warning applies. Safety Issues on a Date • Money: Your funds are no one’s business but your own. Never ask or offer information Whether you’re going on a blind date (with someone you haven’t met before) or an ordinary about your financial status, as it can make you appear shallow, arrogant, or nosy. first date, follow these safety tips: • Sex: No matter how comfortable you feel with your date, discussing sex at length is inappropriate. It can make your date feel uneasy, even if he or she is not letting on. • Meet in a public, well-lit place where you can expect other people to be present. • Ex-flames or ex-spouses: Discussing your ex can lead to trouble. Complaining makes • Let someone know where you’ll be and when you’ll be home. you look hostile, whereas rhapsodizing about a former mate’s good qualities makes it • Know exactly how you’ll get home. clear you’re not over the breakup. Focus on your current date, not your old ones. • Carry a charged cell phone. Dating Conversation Pitfalls Financial Issues on a Date Avoid putting your foot in your mouth or regretting what you’ve said later. You’ve both had a great time. So who pays for the date, and what does the question of payment mean? • Don’t reveal too much too soon: The first few dates are not the time to discuss your personal issues. A certain amount of reticence shows that you have well-defined Who Pays for the Date? boundaries and that you understand that your date is not your therapist. The asker, whether a man or woman, should pay for the date. The asker functions as the • Don’t complain: It’s true. We like being around people who make us feel good. You date’s host, and as the host, the asker is responsible for costs incurred. Paying shows your may just be letting off steam, but your complaints, no matter how witty, deflate the date that you take your time together—no matter how brief—seriously. Remember that a mood and are best saved for people who know you well. date that’s paid for by one person, no matter how expensive, does not obligate the other in • Don’t insult your date: That’s unacceptable. Unintentionally insulting someone is also any way—sexually or otherwise. unpleasant. What you think of as lighthearted teasing may be misinterpreted, and even innocent comments (“I didn’t know they awarded degrees in that!”) can be offensive. Common Courtesies Regarding Money So be mindful of your sense of humor. When you’re on a date as an invited guest, rather than the host: Be Upfront and Honest on a Date • Order from the middle: If you’re dining out, choose food from the middle of the menu’s If you want to date but don’t want a serious relationship with any one person, say so early price range. This applies to all food, drinks, and treats ordered on a date. But if the host on. There’s no shame in playing the field, as long as you’re honest about it. But realize that orders filet mignon, the guest should feel free to order something similarly priced. some dates may be looking for an exclusive relationship and may not want to invest their • Offer to contribute: An offer to pay the tip or car fare is a nice gesture. And, of time with someone who is dating many people. course, a desire to reciprocate is a great excuse for another date.

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• Straightening and brushing your clothes How to Read the Signs After a Date Flirting and Body Language • Stretching your arms Look for reciprocal feelings after a date. Flirting is about indicating appreciation and interest. Done • Running your fingers through your hair properly, it is flattering and sincere. You flirt by: • Stroking your neck Good signs: your date... Not-so-good signs: your date...

• Paying thoughtful compliments Some well-timed preening not only lets your date get a look Contacts you without Waits for you to initiate • Being an active listener at your best features but also illustrates that you’re recep- prompting and maybe contact and suggest • Being a good conversationalist tive and interested. Like mirroring and other types of body even suggests that you activities • Smiling language, preening tends to occur naturally, but you can use get together again it consciously and to your advantage as well. Introduces you to friends Pretends you’re not there A lot of flirting is also done through body language—a or family members when family members or powerful method of communication that’s achieved through Opening Up Your Body friends call gestures and body positioning. In fact, you may not realize Nothing says, “Don’t come near me!” like a protective, how much you give away without speaking. Successful dat- hunched stance. If you’re having a good time, make sure Is rarely late and lets you Cancels a date at the ing requires attention to these kinds of unspoken tactics. your body indicates it: know if he or she will last minute be delayed Personal Space • Uncross your arms and legs The measure of personal space—the comfortable distance • Sit (or stand) up straight with your shoulders back and How to Move On After a Date people keep from each other out of courtesy—varies chest forward Rejection feels terrible, but it’s a part of life, unfortunately. according to the situation: The most difficult part of dating isn’t a bad date, but a good first date that doesn’t lead to a second one. • Personal space in a typical social situation is 4–12 feet How to End a Date • Personal space in a more personal social situation is You’ve met, gotten to know each other, and hopefully • If you don’t want to see the person again: It’s best 1 1/2–4 feet enjoyed yourselves. When the date’s winding down: to make that clear. There’s no shame in not being • Personal space in a more intimate social situation can attracted to someone. “I thought you were great, but I be 18 inches or fewer. • Say “thank you”: Even if you were bored, your date didn’t feel a spark” is polite and to the point. took the time out of his or her day to spend time with • If your date doesn’t want to see you again: Tell Be aware of and respect your date’s personal space. When you, just as you did. yourself that feeling sorry for yourself is a luxury you in doubt, take your cue from your date: does he take a step • Feel free to end it early if you’re not enjoying can’t afford. Some of the dates you go on will be with back whenever you try to get closer? Does she inch toward yourself: If you’re not in the midst of an activity (a people you won’t see again, and being on your best you as you talk? Follow his or her lead. meal or movie, for instance), wait for a lull in the behavior can be exhausting. So if you’ve gone out with conversation, excuse yourself for a minute, and when six different people in the last two weeks and none of How to Mirror Your Date you return, say “Well, it’s getting late…” If your date them were for you, take some time off before you start One of the best ways to make a connection with someone has offended you, a simple “This has been interesting. feeling cynical and disappointed. is by mirroring, or mimicking the other person’s posture, Goodnight” should do it. You’re not obliged to spend volume, and gestures. Mirroring is something that often time with someone who has insulted you. happens naturally, but if you’re conscious of it, you can • Don’t sweat an awkward goodbye: You’re both Dating and Sex control it too. If your date speaks softly, respond in a low probably wondering if you should kiss or whether you Sex is an important component in romantic relationships, voice. If your date is standing with arms crossed, he or she made a good impression. When saying goodbye, go but it can also raise explosive issues about intimacy, per- is probably feeling shy and vulnerable, so copy the person’s with what feels right, be it a hug, kiss, or handshake. sonal comfort, gender roles, and expectations. Since the stance to make it clear you’re not a threat. Eventually, when • Kissing isn’t obligatory: Again, body language potential for confusion is so high, postpone sex until you the person relaxes enough to unfold his or her arms or to provides clues. Are you both making eye contact and know you’re both on the same page. stand with his or her weight on one foot, you should follow leaning toward each other? Or does one of you have Before anything happens, have an explicit understanding along. This isn’t Simon Says, however. You don’t want your hands in pockets or eyes downcast? If you want to kiss of what you expect from each other. Before you have sex date thinking you’re mocking him or her. your date and you think you’ve got the green light, go with someone new, be prepared to discuss: for it. Start with an embrace and see what happens. The Ritual of Approach, Retreat, Approach If your date stiffens up, back off. But if you get a • Relationship status: Are you serious or casual, Many successful flirts follow the ritual ofapproach , retreat, reciprocal hug, or if your date moves a little closer or monogamous or nonexclusive? If your status is approach. holds your gaze, you may lean in for a kiss. uncertain, are you comfortable with that uncertainty? • Birth control: Whether you’re looking for a one-night • Approach: With the approach, you start off by stand or marriage material, you must be prepared with showing a lot of interest in the other person by talking What to Do After the Date an effective form of birth control. What method will you and encouraging him or her to do the same; making Whether it was the greatest date of your adult life or the use? Who will provide it? eye contact, smiling, facing the person with an open worst date since your junior prom, the fact remains: it was • Sexual health: When were you last tested for sexually stance; and touching the person on a “safe” body part just one date. Either way, keep it in perspective and give transmitted disease (STDs)? If you have an STD, are you such as a clothed shoulder or arm. some thought to how you want to proceed from here. contagious? Do you have any other medical conditions • Retreat: After 10–15 minutes, retreat. Excuse yourself, or personal problems that may interfere with your making it clear that you’ll be back. Offer to get the How to Follow Up After a Date sex life? person a drink or say you need to use the restroom. If you’d like to see your date again, let him or her know. • Approach: When you return, it’s back to the approach. After you’ve recovered from the date’s highs (or lows), send These are all important and potentially embarrassing topics, But be less aggressive this time. Now you’re asking an email or call to say you’d love to get together again. But and you probably shouldn’t be having sex until you’re ready the person not only to respond but also to participate don’t wait more than a few days because you run the risk to discuss them. actively in the flirtation. Continue the conversation, and of offending him or her. If the person responds quickly and make sure your date makes an effort too. enthusiastically, suggest another date.

How to Preen on a Date Though many of your behaviors involve making your date feel comfortable, flirting should also include a little judicious physical boldness. Preening draws attention to the body parts you want your date to notice. You probably preen without even knowing that you’re doing it. Some classic preening behaviors and seduction signals are:

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