Living in Harmony :1-3 The story is told of a couple who had been married for 55 years. Throughout their marriage they never kept secrets from one another, except for a box that the wife kept on the top shelf of their bedroom closet. When they got married, she asked her husband to never look inside the box and to never ask questions about its contents. For 55 years the man honored his wife's request. In fact, he forgot about the box until his wife became seriously ill and the doctors said she probably wouldn’t pull through. As the husband was putting his wife’s affairs in order, he remembered the box and brought it to her. He asked, “Do you think I should look inside the box now?” She said, “Sure, go ahead.” The husband opened the box - and his jaw came unhinged. Inside, there were two crocheted dolls and $95,000 in cash. He said, “What on earth!?” The wife said, “Before we got married my mother said that when we got into an argument, we should try to work out our differences. If we couldn’t, she said I should crochet instead of argue – because crocheting is a good stress reliever.” The husband was amazed there were only two crocheted dolls in the box. Apparently, in 55 years of marriage they only had two arguments they couldn’t settle. The husband pointed to the big stack of cash in the box and asked, “Where did all this money come from?” The wife said, “Every time I crocheted a doll, I sold it at a craft fair for five dollars.” Have you ever struggled to get along with someone? That’s a ridiculous question, right? It’s like asking if you’ve ever caught a cold. All of us have had conflict with others. And sometimes, those conflicts couldn’t be resolved. Unresolved conflict is one of the reasons why one out of two marriages fail. It’s one of the reasons why people quit a job. It’s one of the reasons why people struggle with anxiety and depression. It’s one of the reasons why people leave churches. It’s one of the reasons why pastors tell their congregations that God is leading them to serve somewhere else. Unresolved conflict is one of the reasons why people cancel each other. We’re currently in a series of messages in Paul’s letter to the Philippians. Our study today brings us to chapter 4 – and in our text of the morning, Paul addresses the problem of an unresolved conflict between two women in the church in . Their names were Euodia and Syntyche. scholars believe that Euodia and Syntyche were among the earliest members of the church in Philippi along with Lydia. The interesting thing about their falling out with one another is that Paul never mentions the issue of contention. 2

Apparently, everyone else in the church knew what this row was about – but we’re left guessing. Suffice it to say that this conflict was obviously having a negative impact in the congregation - and Paul wanted to see it resolved. One of the things I’ve learned in nearly four decades of pastoral ministry is that it doesn’t take much for a church to become conflicted. Often, the cause of disunity isn’t a disagreement over doctrine. Usually, it’s a clash of personalities. Two people square off - and what happens in the church? People start taking sides. And before you know it, things get ugly. On December 11, 2011 members of the New Salem Baptist church in Memphis, TN were involved in a physical altercation during a communion service of all things. Apparently, there had been a long running feud between a woman named Beverly Milam and another woman named Terry Bell. Milam and Bell exchanged cross words – and Bell responded by hitting Milam in the face with an umbrella. Chaos then ensued as family members of both women started throwing punches at one another. The Memphis Police Department was called in to break up the melee. A divided church hinders the work of God – but unity makes the winsome and attractive. This explains the passionate appeal of Paul in the opening verses of this 4th chapter. He writes: Therefore, my brothers, you whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, that is how you should stand firm in the Lord, dear friends! I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to agree with each other in the Lord. Yes, and I ask you, loyal yokefellow, help these women who have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel, along with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life. Paul begins this 4th chapter by talking about a foundational principle that always helps to defuse disharmony. In verse 1, he commands the Philippians to: 1. Stand firm in the Lord. This isn’t the first time Paul has used the phrase stand firm in this letter. He used it back in chapter 1 when he wrote: Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of . Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in one spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel. 3

The phrase stand firm (the Greek word steko) is a word that Paul borrowed from military jargon. The word steko speaks of people standing shoulder to shoulder with one another in pursuit of a cause. When the soldiers of Rome were in battle, they would stand shoulder to shoulder with shields up and spears pointed out. This defensive formation was called phalanx. Roman soldiers were virtually invincible as long as they didn’t break that formation. Similarly, in the game of football, when the offense lines up to kick a field goal, the linemen always line up in a tight formation – shoulder to shoulder – their objective is to keep the defensive team from breaking through the line and blocking the kick. This is a picture of how the Lord wants us to stand firm. He calls us to stand shoulder to shoulder in unity and harmony. This exhortation to stand firm is found throughout Paul’s letters. For example, in 1 Corinthians 16 Paul said: Stand firm in the faith. In Galatians 5 he wrote: Keep standing firm. In 1 Thessalonians 3 he said: Now we really live, if you stand firm in the Lord. In 2 Thessalonians 2 he said: So then, brothers and sisters, stand firm. In Ephesians 6 Paul wrote: Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. Why does Paul exhort the believers in Philippi to stand firm in the Lord? It’s because standing firm in the Lord precedes relating well with one another in the family of God. What does standing firm in the Lord look like? It’s obeying the commands of Scripture. It’s seeking God’s will and following His guidance. It’s being filled with the Holy Spirit and living under the control of the Spirit. It’s loving God’s people. Here’s what I’m getting at: When believers are committed to these priorities, they have little difficulty relating well to one another. Standing firm in the Lord is a foundational principle of living in harmony with one another. Next, Paul says: 2. Agree with each other in the Lord. Glance again at verse 2: I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to agree with each other in the Lord. Notice in this passage that Paul didn’t assign blame to either Euodia or Syntyche. He didn’t take sides. He wasn’t concerned about who did what to who. Something else worth noting is that Paul didn’t pull rank and threaten them by saying: “I, Paul, an apostle of the Lord , give you one month to sort out your differences – and if you don’t I’ll turn you over to !” This was a situation 4 where two co-workers in the ministry of the gospel weren’t able to get along – and Paul pleaded with Euodia and Syntyche to meet where they do stand together – in the common bond of the Lordship of Christ. The German theologian Dietrich Boenhoeffer, commenting on this passage, said that because of the radical intervention of Jesus in our problem of sin – we now have what he calls “mediated relationships with each other in the family of God.” He put it this way, “Christ stands between us and God, and for this very reason, He stands between us and all other people.” Boenhoeffer was saying, just as Paul said in 2 Corinthians 5, because we’ve been reconciled to God - we should be reconciled to one another. It comes as no surprise that Euodia and Syntyche weren’t the first people in the Bible who couldn’t get along. People have always had a hard time getting along. Think of the book of Genesis. Cain and Abel had a dispute that led to murder. Noah and Ham had a falling out. Abraham and Lot disagreed. Hagar and Sarah had a go at one another. Jacob and his brother Esau had a huge falling out with one another. Jacob and Laban had a falling out. Jacob had a falling out with everyone, it seems! Joseph’s brothers hated him because he was their father’s favorite. Late in the story, when Joseph had great riches and power, he reconciled with his brothers. You may recall that he sent his brothers back to Canaan to bring their father, Jacob, back with them to Egypt so Joseph can be reunited with him. Joseph had a single request as he sent his brothers back to Canaan. He said to them as they were leaving: Don't quarrel on the way. That’s always been great advice for God’s people: Don't quarrel on the way! Settle your differences. Agree in the Lord. In his letter to the church in Jerusalem, James identifies a common source of conflict. He wrote these words in chapter 4: What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. James says we quarrel and fight because we want things to be done our way – and when our wish is denied, we throw a fit. It’s worth noting that Paul wasn’t perfect in this area. Think about what happened when he and were about to leave on second missionary journey around the Roman Empire to preach the gospel. The story is told in Acts chapter 15. Barnabas wanted to take his nephew along with 5 them, but Paul didn’t want John Mark to be on their team. They had a sharp disagreement - and ultimately decided they could no longer work together. So, they parted company. Barnabas took John Mark and sailed to Cyprus and Paul took and headed off to Syria. Here’s another observation I have about conflict in the church. The things we disagree about are often infused with a false sense of importance. In my ministry, I’ve had to deal with disagreements in the church over paint color, carpet texture, where to hang donated artwork, whether or not women should wear a head covering in worship and I was once torn to shreds over the color of napkins used at a Harvest Party. I’m sure you’ve discovered this is true: It’s sometimes the hardest to reconcile with the people who are closest to us. Solomon said in Proverbs 18:19: An offended friend is harder to win back than a fortified city. Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with bars. Some of us have discovered that nothing hurts as badly as when you’ve been wounded by something that happened in the church. How many people do you know who no longer attend church anywhere because someone in the church hurt them? It’s tragic because the Lord commands us to bear with one another and to forgive one another. Paul pleaded with Euodia and Syntyche to find agreement in the Lord. But occasionally, a dispute is such that it requires the intervention of others. And that’s what we see in verse 3. 3. Intervention is sometimes necessary to restore harmony. Notice how Paul dealt with this situation. Remember, he was writing this letter while he was under house arrest in Rome. And so, in verse 3, he called upon his friends to help unite Euodia and Syntyche: Yes, and I ask you, loyal yokefellow, help these women who have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel, along with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life. Paul calls upon other believers in the church to help - because the conflict between these women wasn’t a private matter. It was hurting everyone. Who was this loyal yokefellow that Paul called upon to help mediate this conflict? Some have suggested that this loyal yokefellow is the church – that Paul is saying, “I’m calling on the church to help these women.” I don’t believe 6 that because the noun in Greek is singular and points to the fact that Paul was calling on an individual in the church to mediate this conflict. But again, who was this person? We don’t know. Notice that whoever this person was – Paul didn’t spell out the steps they should take to bring Euodia and Syntyche together. He believed they were capable of handling the problem. In October 2019, I was invited back to a church I served in the early 90’s. Sadly, but not entirely surprising, the membership of the church dwindled to the point where they were forced to close their doors. Years before I left, two families got into a huge argument over the estate of the matriarch of the family. Many of these people were in leadership positions in the church, but they were no longer speaking to one another because they were fighting over who gets what. One family sat in the back of the church on this side – and the others sat on the very back row on this side. I could never get them to reconcile with one another. I was firmly put in my place when I tried to mediate the conflict. I had not been back to the church since 1996. Guess what I saw on that Sunday? These people were still seated where they always sat – and they still weren’t talking with one other nearly 25 years later. To borrow a line from a beloved hymn – which I’ll yank completely out of context: “Oh, what peace we often forfeit…” How many of us have forfeited our peace because we refused to forgive the people who have hurt us? If you want to do that - but are struggling to find a way – call on a trusted friend and ask for help.

I’d like to share six principles for handling conflict with others: a. Separate convictions from opinions. b. Be willing to ask forgiveness and to extend forgiveness. c. Look for opportunities to show kindness in small ways. d. Pray that God will bless the other person. I’ve discovered that it’s hard to stay angry with people you’re praying for. e. Ask God to remove bitterness from your heart. f. Ask a friend to hold you accountable in this area.

Some time ago, I told the story of a group of people who made life miserable for me in a church I served. The problem culminated one Sunday morning when a man tried pushing me out of the pulpit after I had started to preach. He wanted to share his grievances about me to the congregation. I told him to sit down, but he refused. I ended the service at that point. Needless to say, this was very damaging to the congregation – and to me personally. I was miserable for months trying to lead the church through a nasty split. I struggled massively to 7 forgive this man. I begged God to help me forgive him - and in time, I did forgive him. Here’s how it happened:

I was visiting someone in a hospital. I was about to hop on an elevator – and when the doors opened, this man was standing right in front of me. It was surreal. Here I was – face to face with my nemesis. Awkward! The first thing out of my mouth was, “What are you doing here?” He said, “My daughter is here. She just went into surgery.” Without thinking, I said, “Would you let me pray for her?” He said, “Of course.” I put my hand on his should and prayed for his daughter. I can stand here this morning – hand on heart and tell you that God took all my anger and bitterness away after I prayed with this fellow.

Beloved, I don’t share this story with you to try to impress you with my piety. God knows there were times I wanted to get even with this guy. But I found freedom when we prayed together. How many disagreements could be settled if we heeded the exhortation of Paul in Colossians 3:15: Let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. When we allow the peace of Christ to rule in our heart - walls of hate and resentment fall down. Feelings of animosity are soothed. Hearts are healed. Relationships are restored. People are set free. The witness of the gospel is preserved - and God is glorified.