Things to Know Before Having Sexual Relations:
How to Avoid Being Held in Bondage by the State
Katie Shadden
Since the beginning of society, mankind has descendants of our porcupine lovers. These dolphin implemented laws to keep order and peace, and to fanatics explain that a relationship with a dolphin can improve the standard of living. As the human species be as deep as that with another person. Their has evolved, some of our laws have not. Some websites give details on how to properly make-love remain ghosts of outdated beliefs that should have to your dolphin companion, and how to properly been left in dust, while others are forgotten edicts, cuddle with your new special friend2. The dolphin- still on the books, but not enforced by any sane lovers also warn not to try having relations with person. These esoteric laws are remembered now as dolphins in animal parks or aquariums because they a source of amusement, and even more so when we have security guards who will arrest you if you consider that they were once serious, enforced rules. attempt to enter the tanks. A man was recently We will begin our journey back in time with arrested for attempting to kill a male dolphin that had laws that must have been enforced because someone an affair with his wife! Swim away Flipper, swim far conducted themselves in a manner in which someone away! in power did not approve. In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception — In Florida it is illegal to have sexual relations with prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending a porcupine. machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." I don’t know who ever thought of having sex with a porcupine, but they couldn’t have been a very This law makes half-sense. Apparently the intelligent person. Porcupines have spines that are writers believed that only persons in places where nearly a foot long and about a quarter inch in alcohol was sold would ever consider having sexual diameter. These quills are loosely attached, and relations, and therefore would need a condom. bristle up when a porcupine is in danger. The In Indiana, mustaches are illegal if the bearer has porcupine will swing its tail when it is angry, trying a "tendency to habitually kiss other humans." to hit the animal attacking it, which allows it to The ultimate way to rid yourself of the awkward imbed the largest quills up to an inch into the encounters you’ve been having lately with that over- opponent’s skin1. It would seem that the possibility friendly friend who always has food in their of getting a blast of porcupine quills in the genitals mustache and wants to kiss you. Knowing our luck, would be deterrent enough (La Blue Girl, anyone?). the friend will still not get the hint about being too Did they really need a law? friendly, so next we’ll have to pass a law that says: On a side note, a group practicing dolphin lovin’ “It is illegal for John Smith to habitually kiss other has started to make headlines. Dolphin—human humans, except for those who have signed a consent relationships have become a new rage with those form.”
1 Pundle, Tara. “About Porcupines…” NativeTech: Native American Technology and Art.
It’s good to be the Empress. Hopefully she The original banning of dildos must have required all the visiting male dignitaries to bathe and occurred after a politician’s wife was found having brush their teeth before they held their audience. more fun with her toy than she had ever had with her This must have been the largest loop hole for husband. What a huge blow to his ego! I wonder if, men cheating on their wives. The men could come after they were banned, she divorced him for being so home smelling like another woman’s perfume and insecure. Apparently, the southeast and New say, “I was just visiting the Empress, and you can’t England areas were once home to many sticks in the say no to the Empress, dear.” A wife can’t argue mud. with that logic, unless she doesn’t mind being beheaded for speaking ill of the Empress. An Illinois state law prohibits a number of In the state of Washington there is a law against things—one of which is a public erection, another having sex with a virgin under any circumstances is nude dancing. The prohibition against the (including the wedding night). public erection has never been challenged in the How is this supposed to work? Either people Supreme Court, but the prohibition against nude jumped the border a lot in Washington, this law was dancing has. never enforced, or there are a lot of native Washington virgins. I have a feeling that someone I know many men who would look at this was a very overprotective parent. law, their jaw would drop, and they would ask, “How are you supposed to stop an erection, especially when Finally my favorite: the nude dancer is dancing?” This is cruelest to teenage boys, who tend to pop the woody multiple It is illegal for any member of the Nevada times during the day. Isn’t having to walk up to the legislature to conduct official business wearing a chalkboard and answering a problem, hoping no one penis costume while the legislature is in session. will notice your unexpected friend, punishment I would love to see pictures of this meeting. enough? Imagine getting arrested for it too! Was it Halloween or was he just having a good time? In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip I mean a penis with a gavel, how cute is that? off her clothing while standing in front of a man's Human beings have made some strange laws picture. since the beginning of written history. We have been What?! She can strip in front of a man, but not conditioned to feel ashamed of the most fundamental the picture of man…how does that make sense? This instinct we have as animals—sex. People have must date back to the Salem Witch trials, when created lists of sexual acts that are taboo and not lawmakers thought that if the woman stripped in discussed. These feelings are quickly changing, and front of the picture of a man it might bewitch him. the younger generations are proudly singing Now that I think about it, I think that’s how I ended Bloodhound Gang’s “The Bad Touch,” while up engaged….. experimenting to find what makes us feel good (while most of us still put safety first). The only acceptable sexual position in We need to shed these puritanical cocoons and Washington, D.C. is the missionary position. Any embrace the full enjoyment of life. It amazes me other sexual position is considered illegal. how our society shows graphic violence on the How un-fun is that? Yes, it is the most television every night, but how Janet Jackson’s breast comfortable position for having sex when you’re created such uproar. We should revel in the beauty pregnant, but for non-expecting couples, we need a of the body, and come to a deeper understanding of little spice in our lives, right? I would think that if ourselves instead of hiding it away like a condemning mandatory sexual position was implemented, I would skeleton in our closet3. have guessed doggy-style since it seems to be the stereotypical male favorite.
The early Christian church forbade couples from having sex on Wednesdays, Fridays and of course, Sundays.
Apparently the Christian church had not yet started its “have as many children as possible” campaign. I guess that with this schedule couples could have sex one day and pray for forgiveness all 3 The various laws were found on the next day. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
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