what I loved most about Committee meeting in some he run on the Libertarian Watergate was ”the pro- grungy hotel, or the next state ticket. Stem agreed. cess”-the process of or national convention. The Libertarian Party, impeachment, of Bringing Above all, I don’t have to which has only 600 members the Man Down. worry about what crazy in New York State, no money For a heady year or two, I thing-platform, candidate, and no prospects for getting actually believed that Water- or official-the LP is going to on the ballot, was of course gate had permanently dis- fall into next, or worry about enchanted, for Stern urged credited the Office of the tryrng to head off this nutty his listeners to pay the LP President, and not just the deed at the pass. dues and sign up, so they man Nixon, that never again So when the august New can vote for delegates to the would the American public York Tunes erupted recently April 23 state convention at trust any politician, especially with a frontpage article (!) Albany to select the nominee. any occupant of the Oval (April3)0nH0~dStem~n-Suddenly Money signahms, office. I was of course wrong ning for governor of New and even votes will be flow- -especially after Ronald York on the Libertarian Party ing in! Visions of sugar plums Reagan restored The Trust ticket, I didn’t have to worry began to race through Liber- that the Establishmentyearns about whether or not such a tarian noggins, and national to inspire in every American race would be good or bad for LP marketing director sucker. But still he was tossed the Party or its image, and if Tamara Clark of the Nevada out; they can never take that bad, to try to do something LP was rushed out to head up knowledge away from us. about it. Idh’thavetomat the Stem-oriented signature And for that, in an ironic d.I could just sit back and en- drive to get the LP on the bal- sense, we are fomer indebted joythe spectacle. What a lark! lot in New York. to the Man Milhous. It was also fun to find out that The other friend high- this rather lengthy article, lighted in the New York by-lined by Todd S. Pdm, Tiesarticle is Jim Ostrow- featured two old friends of ski, a young serious-minded Howard Stern mine. (No, NOT Howard Buffalo attorney who is truly Stern!)OneisBobGoodman,a a great guy and one of the fin- for Governor? long-time Bronx activist, sci- est people in the libertarian by M.N.R. ence writer, and earnest movement. Jim is the only one I young man seeking ways of I feel sorry for in this whole 1 It is said that the happiest “outreach” for the LP.It seems affair, because he was the one day of a man’s life is the day that Goodman had been cor- slated to run for the guberna- he acquires his sailboat; the responding with Stern for torial nomination before this second happiest is the day he years, possibly converting wholecircusbegan.Ostmwski gets rid of it. Well, I wouldn’t him to libertarianism, and of very honorably if unusually, say that the day I first joined course has been listening decided not to insist on the the Libertarian Party was the regularly to Stern, notorious legal technicality that these happiest day of my life; but in the New York area as a very new members are =ally ineli- the day I left-about five popular radio porno ”shock gible to vote. Instead, Jim years ago-was surely my iock” (to say ”talk show host” wants to battle Stern ”on the second happiest. After being doesn’t quite give the flavor). merits of who’s a better can- a Big Honcho in the LP for When Stern announced on didate.” Well, the& no ques- many years, it feels great to his program that he intended tion of who’s a better get up in the morning and to challenge Mario Cuomo candidate, a more articulate know that I dun’thave to for the governor’s spot, spokesman, etc., but that’s attend the next National Soodman wrote suggesting not going to be the deciding

6 June1994 factor. I shudder to think of shock-jock culture, but will but that wing, too, will balk at Jim Ostmwski soberly setting balk at Stem’s Politidly Incor- Stern’s Political Incorrectness forth libertarian positions on red attitude toward sensitive on race and sex. the issues, while the skinny, racialanddmattm.Stem, Well, that’s their problem. eight-foot (?),half-naked hippie for example, was just about But won’t the Stern candi- Stem yells insults and ob-- the only media person in the dacy siphon off votes from ities. Stern, of course, will win country, of any ideology, to the Republican candidate the nomination in a walk. hail Lew Rockwell’s scintiUat- and spoil his chances to beat Essentially, apart from the ing anti-Rodney King column the monster Cuomo? The rare prinapled ”real person” in the LA Tiesjust afterthe answers are Yes, and No. Yes, such as Ostrowski, there are first, doctored tape came out. Stern will siphon off votes, two basic wings to the Liber- Lew’s courageous and prin- but No, it will have no effect, tarian Party. Both wings are cipled column got him because, as usual, the Repub- Left-Libertarian, but each denunciations from across lican Party in New York can’t stresses diflerent aspects of the the entire libertarian move- get its act together, and it is Left-Libertarian world-out- ment-but Stem read Lew’s doubtful that any viable can- look. One wing tends to be column aloud on the air and didate will emerge from the ”purist” in ideology, and hip- applauded every word. muck. So it looks as if Cuomo, pie -rock-druggie in culture. Stern’s announced plat- though now highly unpopu- The other wing is sober and form for New York is simple, lar in the state, is going to /‘bourgeois” in culture, but and interesting. He pledges waltz in again for his ump- opportunist and sellouty in to do three things immedi- teenth term. For one thing, ideology: their fondest dream ately: bring back the death after his absurd performance is to get a job at some sellout penalty stagger road tolls so in 1992, the chances of his think-tank, a as to eliminate running for President are nil. sort of bush- traffic conges- So anti-cuomo conservatives league libertar- tion, and have won’t be able to work up ian version of mdmswork much of a passion to kick him the Big Govern- only at night. out. And secondly, his finger ment Conser- Three simple to the wind, Cuomo has been vati v e - ” free . and admirable making a lot of conservative- market’’ Wash- planks, if not sounding noises, about the ington think- very far-reach- importance of the middle- tanks of the ing. And then, class, lowering taxes, etc. 1980s. The latter says Stern, he’d And finally, and of course, wing yearns for quit, and turn the Republican Party is hope- respectability, the state over to lessly split on a candidate. and is always his lieutenant- The Party is rent by a bitter eager to aban- governor. personal and ideological feud don uncomfort- If the hippie between two Italo-Americans ably consistent wing of the LP who hold the highest Repub- ideology for will applaud lican offices in the state: U.S. money and Stern’s style but Senator Al DAmato leading votes. bristle at the the center-right; and State It is interest- shortage of ide- Senate Majority Leader Ralph ing to see what ology, the sell- Marino, a buddy of the gov- either wing will make of out wing will be happy to ernor, heading the Republi- Howard Stern. The hippie overlook the culture to get the car! liberal-left. Since Marino wing will love Stern’s porno- money, votes, and publicity; and DAmato can’t agree on

7 June 1994 -a viable candidate against scornfully around the room, fication tobe governor, the fact Cuomo, DAmato, out of des- and declaiming: “This is a that she had been ”A1 peration, is plumping for dump! Next year we’ll hold Sharpton’s [the clownish Hudson Valley State Senator the convention black radical ac- George Pataki. Pataki, by all at my house!” tivist] English accounts, is an estimable con- Stern and his teacher in high servative; but he has one big raucous Stern school.” problem: no one in New York Gang made When LP has ever heard of him,includ- mincemeat of state chairman ing his own senatorial con- the standard Ludwig Vogel stituents. And Pataki hasn’t Libertarian ruled that the got the personal fortune of a attempts to dis- gubernatorial Perot or even of a Michael cuss the issues vote could take Huffington to get himself seriously. Jim place by head instant TV name recognition. Os trowski, count rather So,since chances of a viable scion of a &tin- than by tradi- and sound Republican candi- guished legal tional secret date are minuscule, we all family from ballot,BobFh- may as well relax and enjoy Buffalo, whose zer, a middle- a Howard Stern run: at least father is a judge aged dentist, it will shake up the Estab- from Western veteran LP lishment. New York, was activist, and **+** greetedwiththe long-time On April 23, the die was Sternianbanner chairman of the

cast, and Howard Stern I’ 0 s t r o w s k i Brooklyn pw, swept to victory for the Liber- Sucks!” One of Stern’s radio loudly remonstrated that tarian nomination for gover- producers scoffed, “we mined “this is a putsch.” I can sym- nor, winning by 2:l on the their chess club.” Sternian pathize with Bob Flamer, a first ballot over several vet- girlspmdedmundthemm, good guy who saw the party eran Libertarian Party rivals. their bosoms hanging out of that he has long lived for Stern’s triumphal route to their skimpy dresses, and crumbling around his ears. victory-or a half-hour of its when Stern’s nomination Any thought that the LP highlights-was covered on was announced, Sternian could put in one of their stal- network cable TV.But not as girls stripped to their G- warts as Lieutenant Gover- one might expect, on C-Span. strings. Ostrowski’s LP rivals nor was quickly torpedoed Instead, it was covered by for the nomination tried fee- by Stern, who shrewdly Comedy Central, which we bly to get into the Sternian insisted that his own hand- can expect to give similar cov- spirit. Hippieish Dottie Lee picked candidate, Stan erage to the rest of the Stern Brokaw, veteran LPer from Dworkin, come in with him campaign. After all, what Bingham-ton, was nominated in a joint ticket. ofhernetwork can we expect by someone who proudly Throughout the proceed- to cover a comic-oriented proclaimed that Dottie had ings, Stern was surrounded, campaign? We saw the Stern ”attendedeveryhempconven- not only by a bevy of half- bus ride up to the Albany tion.” Dottie Lee, spealang for naked beauties, but also by meeting from New York City, herself, took off her jacket to try various repellent clones, all the Stern entourage decamp- desperately to get in the spirit sporting Stern’s trademark ing at the Community Center of the action. Another veteran long, curly brown hair, dark site for the state LP conven- LPer, Norma Segal, proudly grannyglasses, androck-type tion! Stern waving his hand announced, ashermainquali- attire. One of the clones kept

8 June1994 ~~ banging away tunelessly on a What happened was this: definitely seemed a Con- guitar, yelling ”Howard Stern recently, the eminent retired spiracy Theorist, but he was for Govemr! Howard Stern pitcher for the Philadelphia a bit confused on which con- for Governor!” Phillies, Steve Carlton, was spiracy was winning out. At The porno shock-jock and voted into the Baseball Hall of one point he allegedly clown Howard Stern has mt Fame, to be inducted into the charged that the Russian and only seized the publicity of a Hall with due pomp and cer- U.S. governments (sepa- Libertarian race for govemr. emony on July 31. Free-lance rately? together?) are control- He has inevitably stamped writer Pat Jordan paid a two- ling us with ”low frequency the Libertarian Party, from day visit to the great pitcher sound waves”; at another this point on, in his own on his 400-acre ranch near point, that the British MI-5 repellent and delayed-ado- Durango, Colorado, to inter- and MI-6 intelligence agen- lescent image. It should be view him and his views on cies are ruling the world, and clear to even the most loyal life for the panting readers of at another that the ”world is and most dedicated LP activ- Philadelphia controlled by a ist that the Libertarian Party in a g a z ine. committee of is now dead as any sort of These days, of 3OOwhichmeets vehicle for serious social or course, it would at a roundtable political change. The Liber- be considered in Rome.’’ [In tarian Party has been domi- impossiblynar- case any reader nated by cultural leftists and row-minded to doesn’t know hippie/druggies for several confine star ath- what’s in Rome years. It is mw and forever- letes to their it’s spelled V-A- more their helpless captive. views on their T-IC-A-N.] But AUwe&mw,tocomplete chosen occupa- none of this dis- the merriment, is for Stern to tion; instead, turbed the ever- top off his success this year by every ballplayer watchful sen- running for President in ’96 is expected to tinels of the on the Libertarian ticket. be a ”role American Jew- model” for ish Committee. every member What caught of the nation’s their eagle eye American youth. So there- was the pro- Jewry fore, every ath- nouncement Saved! lete is expected that the ”Elders to sound off on of Zion rule the by M.N.R. every Deep Topic. But the world,” and that “12 Jewish Did you know that Ameri- price for this respect has to be bankers meeting in Switzer- can Jewry was very recently paid; for every one of his views land rule the world.” In short, in mortal peril, in imminent has to be Politically Comt. the famous Protocols of the danger of another Holocaust? But Steve Carlton appar- Learned Elders of Zon. What, you didn’t? Well, ently flunked the PC test. In our present world, no frankly neither did I, because According to Pat Jordan, thought crime, however thisdreadperilwasnippedin Carlton turns out to be a obscure, goes unpunished, the bud by the ever-vigilant right-wing survivalist, and a although of cowdcrimes anti-anti-Semitic fighters of Conspiracy Theorist of His- arecommittedwithimpunity the American Jewish Com- tory. According to Jordan’s every day. But the hawk-eyed mittee before we even had a account (in Philadelphia mtriesof theAmerican Jewish chance to find out about it. magazine,April), Mr. Carlton Committee never rest, and

9 June 1994