WELLSPRING BEHAVIORAL HEALTH NEWSLETTER behavioral health How to Use: Real Stuff whatever you and your NEWSLETTER for Real People agree upon. This approach may also help you create a new neu- A RESOURCE FOR PARENTS AND PROFESSIONALS When you live with a child ropathway regarding your child- who habitually , it can seem one that recognizes that he actual- The About Lying: he lies continually. Actually, there ly does not all the time. are many instances every day in When Lying Seems as Natural as Breathing which he tells the truth. For Overcome Your Own Bad Habit By Cinda Morgan, LCSW example, when your child says, One way parents can show Few things are as disconcerting to reveal the Chinese cultural emphasis “I’m hungry,” chances are he’s that they are an ally for their child parents as not knowing whether they on modesty and the Canadian cultural telling the truth. Lavishly praise rather than an adversary is to also can believe what their child says. view (similar to the American view) of the behaviors you want to make a commitment to change a When a child seems unable to sort out self-confidence.1 increase. Some neuroscientists bad habit. While the child is work- truth and untruth, or when lying seems Children’s moral concept of lying believe this technique works ing on changing her habit of lying, to be a natural part of the child’s inter- varies depending on their upbringing- because it creates a different neu- the parent works on changing his actions, parents may need to explore regardless of their ethnicity. It can be ropathway in the child’s brain- own habit. This process not only the developmental foundations of useful for parents to reflect on their one that associates telling the allows parents to be empathetic truth-telling and make a shift in how own cultural influences around telling truth with pleasure. Each time with how hard it is to break a habit they relate to their child. This kind of the truth, and it can be especially valu- your child tells the truth about but also provides an opportunity lying is most often seen by foster par- able for foster and adoptive parents to something, even if it is just a pref- for parents to be open with their ents and adoptive parents who were reflect on this. erence like “I like vanilla ice child about their own progress and not part of the child’s early develop- cream,” reward him and say relapses. This helps the child feel ment. It frequently occurs when some Shaky Foundations for “That’s real.” The reward can be a less like everyone is pointing a form of lying was a genuine survival Knowing Truth Some major tick mark, which can be finger at her for being a “bad kid” skill for the child at some point. theorists believe that the foundation of redeemed for something mean- and more like everyone else who How We Are Raised truth-telling comes in the first years of ingful to your child; a Skittle; or also has flaws that need work. Influences Our View of Lying life. Erik Erikson held that the first Cinda Morgan, LCSW, is Clinical 1. Lee, K., Xu, F. (2001). Chinese and Parents who have adopted a child social/emotional task of a child is to Director of Wellspring Child & Family Canadian children’s evaluation of lie- should remember that a child raised in determine if he can trust the world or Counseling Center and Associate and truth-telling: British Journal of a different home, even for a few years, not.2 A young child’s world is dictated Instructor at Westminster College. , 19, 525 has come from a different . by his parents and caregivers. In the first 2. Erickson, E. (1980) Identity and Culture significantly influences our years of life, a child’s needs––food, safe- Our Mission the Life Cycle. W .W. Norton & view of lying. For example, in one ty, physical warmth, and emotional Company. interesting study, Chinese children comfort––can be met only by another We awaken and uncover the inherent 3. Hage, D. Antecedents to Lying and wellness in children and parents Teaching the Truth, www.deborah- gave negative scores when individuals person. When the care the child receives through sharing relevant strategies, hage.com/articles/lying told the truth about their own good is consistent with his needs, he learns to information, and skills, empowering Special thanks to Nancy Reiser and deeds and positive scores when these trust. If the care is not consistent with his all to nurture healthy relationships. Sue Buehner for their consultation individuals lied about their good needs, he learns not to trust. We value each child and believe each about clinical applications and sug- deeds. Canadian children, on the other As a new therapist, I was asked to family is worthy of our best efforts. gestions for parents in this issue. hand, did the opposite. These findings go on a crisis visit to a severely bur-

(801) 576-6444 • 9678 S. 700 E. SUITE 102 • SANDY, UT 84070 VOLUME 2• NUMBER 4 MAY 2009 WELLSPRING BEHAVIORAL HEALTH NEWSLETTER WELLSPRING BEHAVIORAL HEALTH NEWSLETTER dened new mother. The child had not ship with someone I don’t trust.” The provide consequences based on what handles it; 4) it is a way for the child been well cared for––it appeared she truth is, their child did exactly that-had they believe is true and what will pro- to feel powerful by controlling the had been in the same diaper for at least a relationship with someone he could- vide safety. Parents need to do the best parent’s mood; 5) the child uses it to twenty-four hours and that she hadn’t n’t trust. The question for the adoptive they can regarding their child’s lying test the genuineness of her relation- been fed for some time. As I assisted parents is, “Can he trust us when we behavior but should not let it sidetrack ship with her parents; or 6) if the child with the infant, I was saddened to see say that we will be his forever fami- them from building the relationship. is frightened or distrustful of close her open her mouth in distress as if ly?” The child subconsciously asks, 2. Playfully Predict Lying. Before relationships, it may serve to push the crying, but no sound came out. “Can I trust someone who doesn’t discussing a situation with a child in parent away. When parents identify If an infant cries because she is understand me?” Therefore, foster and which he is likely to lie, parents can the child’s need behind her lying and hungry and no one comes, and she adoptive parents need to in turn ask good-naturedly say, “I’m going to experiment with alternative ways of cries some more and still no one themselves, “Can I love someone I talk to you about something, and it addressing that need, the child may responds, she eventually stops crying don’t understand?” One of the most might make you a bit nervous. So if no longer feel a reason to lie, and the and must formulate some kind of inter- healing messages a parent can give a you want to tell a lie, go ahead and tell lying may dissipate. nal message in order to survive. It is child is “I can love you even when I a really good one.” Using this 4. Create Internal Conflict in the believed that this is when she begins to don’t trust you” or “You can’t keep me approach eliminates lying as a tool for Child. Although it is not true for tell herself her first lies: “I’m not hun- from loving you even when you lie.” It control, and giving a child permission every child, when some children per- gry. I’m not wet or cold. I don’t need is also realistic to couple this message to lie helps parents avoid getting their ceive that lying upsets a parent more anyone to comfort me.” She distrusts with “When you are dishonest, our buttons pushed. There are three cau- than them, their concern about lying her own senses, her own reality. If a relationship is not as comfortable and tions when using this approach: par- diminishes. Therefore, the first way to young child lies to herself to preserve relaxed as I would like it to be.” For a ents’ playfulness cannot contain any create an internal conflict around the her sanity, a parent can expect that she younger child, parents can say, “When hint of sarcasm, the technique should child’s behavior is for the parent to will lie about anything at any time you don’t tell me what really hap- not be overused, and it should not be detach emotionally from the child’s because she won’t have the underpin- pened, I don’t know how to help.” used with young children who may lying. The child needs to have an nings to know what is true. For her, Ways to Promote Truth- be confused by it. emotional connection to the negative lying and truth-telling have no moral telling 3. Identify the Deeper Need for results of his behavior. When he is the dimension. Surviving is all that matters. 1. Don’t Ask. The February issue of Lying. Most behaviors, if not all, one who suffers because of his lying, Can I Love Someone I Don’t this newsletter suggested that parents serve a purpose of some sort. he will want to stop. This is not to say Trust? avoid asking their child questions to Therefore, lying that appears to be that an excessively punitive approach Some adoptive or foster parents which they already know the answer, purposeless may actually perform a will achieve this goal. Different may protest, saying they have taught such as, “Did the teacher give you a service for the child, though she may things will create an internal conflict their child to know right from wrong note for me to sign?” after receiving an not be aware of it. Lying may perform for different children, since each child and the difference between truth- email from the teacher. If a parent has a the following functions: 1) It allows has different motivations and values telling and lying, and he knows better. child who lies automatically, it is also the child some relief from her own different things. Ultimately, the child Their child may indeed be able to wise to avoid asking a question if the chaos by transferring it to someone will stop lying when it no longer articulate what he has been taught, and parent doesn’t know the answer. else, such as the parent; 2) it recreates works for him-when it is not helping at times he may act accordingly. But There’s a good chance the child will lie, a familiar, comfortable pattern for the him get what he wants.3 in the moment of perceived deep and asking will reinforce his habit of child, such as being in trouble or Regardless of whether the child need, he may revert to his early sur- lying. Parents need to accept that they being the “bad kid”; 3) when the child can be trusted, each child needs to vival skill of lying. Parents might may never get the real story, resist the can’t handle the chaos in herself, feel secure in the knowledge that she recoil and say, “I can’t have a relation- urge to become private detectives, and lying helps her see how the parent is safe, cared for, and loved. (801) 576-6444 • 9678 S. 700 E. SUITE 102 • SANDY, UT 84070 (801) 576-6444 • 9678 S. 700 E. SUITE 102 • SANDY, UT 84070