Are We Having Fun Yet? Steps 5 to a Great Family Vacation

Sun Protection 101 • Gap Year • #sleep

Q&AINSIDE: with Tracy Pollan and yourteenmag.com her family Are We Having Fun Yet? Steps 5 to a Great Family Vacation

BFFs Forever! Understanding Tween Friendships

First (Ever) Paycheck What Now?

How to Call a Family Meeting

VOL. 7 Issue 6 JULY-AUGUST 2015 $ 3.95

sponsored by “StepUP supplied a safe and sober environment that facilitated a dramatic growth in me spiritually, academically, and personally.”

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CONTENTS

30 The Travel Issue Traveling with Teenagers: Are we having fun yet? Yes, with these 5 steps to a great family vacation.

36 Teen Speak: Please, no college talk

Up front:

8 Bulletin Board 21 Money Matters I cheated, stats, and other First (ever) paycheck. Now stuff what? 10 Product Picks 22 In the Spotlight Teen-tested and Kelly Corrigan, author of p. Glitter and Glue 10 parent-approved 12 In a Minute 24 Book Review Sun protection, family The Language of Flowers DEPARTMENTS: by Vanessa Diffenbaugh meeting, 5 annoying things, ginger cookie recipe... 38 Crossroads 26 Perspectives When experimentation crosses Living with anxiety 16 Move Out Skills the line to substance misuse Email etiquette 43 Ask the Doctor 18 Tech Talk Understanding the teenage brain Technology makes cheating 46 College Corner even easier p. 50 Gap year is an option 49 Tween Talk BFFs forever! Maybe not... 50 Hot Topics The Pollan Family Table 53 Small Stuff ON THE COVER Help teens get enough sleep

Travel with Teens? 57 Snapshot Yes it’s possible, even fun— My perfectly imperfect daughter and can be tremendously 58 All About Me rewarding. Page 30. Farewell, old friend cover Photo : BETH SEGAL

YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 1 DO SOMETHING July-August 2015 Volume 7, Issue 6 GET MOVING BE CONFIDENT

Publisher & Chief Revenue Officer RISK NEW THINGS Stephanie Silverman

PUBLISHER & Editor-In-Chief STICK WITH IT Susan R. Borison

T H E N B E READY FOR EDITORIAL ADVISORY BOARD EDITORIAL MANAGER Diana Simeon Elise Ellick Ellen Rome, MD, Teen Counselor in the MPH Copy Editor Division of Adolescent Pediatrician, Head, BIG SURPRISES Laura Putre Medicine, Department Section of Adolescent of Pediatrics at Medicine at Cleveland EditorIAL ASSISTANT MetroHealth. Clinic. Ahuva Sunshine Lauren Rich Fine Chris Seper Executive Search Founder, MedCity SAles Consultant at Howard Media and Publisher, Alison Bunch, Lisa Golovan, & O’Brien Associates. MedCityNews.com. Shari Silk Marcia Hales Amy Speidel Assistant Traffic Manager Business Manager with Certified Parent Coach Helen Fineberg One Wish, LLC. at Senders Parenting Center. CREATIVE Amanda Weiss CREATIVE Director Kelly, MD Sonni Kwon Meredith Pangrace University Hospitals, Senkfor, MBA Rainbow Babies & Independent Children’s Hospital Photographer Consultant. Facilitator Pediatrician, Director, with The WIT Group and Beth Segal Pediatric Sports MAC Consulting. Medicine. WEB CONTENT Judy Stenta, MSW Web Content EDITOR Julian Peskin, MD Retired Project Director, Cleveland Clinic staff Mindy Gallagher SAY, a program of member, Department Bellefaire JCB. IT Specialist of Obstetrics and Gynecology. Hunter Chisolm Steven Wexberg, MD Staff Pediatrician, Sylvia Rimm, PhD Cleveland Clinic CIRCULATION Psychologist, Foundation. Circulation Specialist Director of Family Eca Taylor Achievement Clinic, Clinical Professor, Lucene Wisniewski, Case Western Reserve PhD, FAED THIS ISSUE School of Medicine. Clinical Director and co-founder of the Contributing writers Cleveland Center for An Ursuline education is an affordable investment Lisa Damour, Jeanette Durante, Michael Ritter, Eating Disorders. Claire Klodell, Jessica Lahey, CPA that pays dividends in your future. Nearby Cleveland Molly McVoy, Randi Mazzella, Retired Partner, Ernst & Young LLP. Lee Zapis provides over half of the student body with real-world Rebecca Meiser, Jane Parent, President of Zapis Kate Pocock, Mimi Roberts, Capital Group. experience. Last year, 100% of first-year students William Lucas Walker, received aid and new alums were employed at a rate Elizabeth Walker-Ziegler, Jake Van De Walle three times higher than the national average. Focus- ing on holistic education, Ursuline College empowers women to lead and change the world. More content online at yourteenmag.com facebook.com/YourTeen @YourTeenMag

Your Teen, Vol 7, Issue 6, July-August 2015 is a publication of Your Teen, Inc., a bi-monthly publication, $3.95. Bellefaire JCB, 22001 Fairmount Blvd., Shaker Heights, Ohio 44118.

©2015 by Your Teen, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this magazine may be reproduced without the written consent of Your Teen magazine.Your Teen does not verify claims or information appearing in any advertisements contained in this magazine. While advertising copy is reviewed, no endorsement of any product or service offered by any advertisement is intended or implied by publication in Your Teen. ADVERTISING Contact Stephanie Silverman at 216-337-1374 Your Teen Media P.O. Box 21083, S. Euclid, Ohio 44121

2 YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 Congratulations HATHAWAY BROWN CLASS OF 2015!

Baldwin Wallace University Georgetown Skidmore College University (2) Barnard College University of Hamilton College (2) Southern Bates College California (2) Hobart and William Boston University Smith Colleges University of Bryn Mawr College St. Andrews (UK) Howard University (2) Bucknell University The Ohio State The University of Iowa Carleton College University (6) Kenyon College Case Western Reserve Tulane University Lehigh University (2) The HB Class of 2015 University (3) University of Utah London School of Chapman University Vanderbilt University has been offered more than Economics (UK) Clark University University of Vermont Loyola University Chicago Colby College Wagner College Macalester College Colgate University (2) Wake Forest University in merit and other college Massachusetts Institute scholarships, including University of Colorado, of Technology Washington University Boulder (2) in St. Louis full tuition packages. Miami University, Cornell University (4) Oxford (6) Wesleyan University Dartmouth College (2) University of Miami Williams College (2) Denison University University of The College of Wooster DePaul University Michigan (3) Worcester Polytechnic HB students are shaped by the Eastern Michigan New York University Institute education they receive from our University Northwestern University Yale University (3) outstanding faculty, along with Elon University University of their exposure to real-world Emory University (3) Pennsylvania (5) In total, 18 HB seniors received learning through the Institute Franklin University Rhodes College Switzerland University of Richmond for 21st Century Education, George Washington University of Rochester 24 OFFERS and they’re supported and University Saint Louis University to attend Ivy League schools: Brown, guided by our exceptional Columbia, Cornell, Dartmouth,

@YourTeenMag College Counseling team in the University of Pennsylvania, college process. Whether she Princeton, and Yale. chooses a college that’s down the hill or one that’s halfway across the globe, each HB graduate is set on the path to find the school that’s right for her. Editor’s Letter

love family vacations in all forms—whether it’s rent- ing houses, sleeping in cabins at state parks with other families, pitching a tent, borrowing a friend’s apartment on the beach, taking the occasional hotel Ivacations, or staying at Disney timeshares. Each style of stay has its own pros and cons. Rented houses “Even if we hit minor can succeed or fail on the quality of the house; travel with friends can ride on the dynamic between the kids; bor- stumbling blocks along the rowed apartments have everyone a little on edge (actually, just mom); and Disney—well, everyone is always happy at way, we still love a family Disney, right? vacation. And, over the Well, as it turns out, it’s pretty impossible to make every family member happy all the time. We all have our ups and years, I have learned some downs, no matter where we’re headed. lessons.” I’m tightly wound during the planning stages of a trip. When everyone else is filled with excitement and antici- pation, I am just anxious. My husband hits his low when we are in a rush. He needs to be punctual. One kid has my anxiety but it’s largely focused on a family favorite—riding bikes. One kid hates to be left out. One needs the sched- There are more things to consider when planning a vaca- ule to remain as promised. One is politely stubborn. One tion with teens, and travel writer Kate Pococks’s feature in stresses at the end of the trip. this issue got me thinking about steps I could take to ensure smoother sailing on our next vacation. I hope you get some But even if we hit minor stumbling blocks along the way, good ideas, too. we still love a family vacation. And, over the years, I have learned some lessons. Here are my top five: This issue is full of great information, but one article is extra-special to me. I have been following Kelly Corrigan since 1. Leave me alone before the trip. Everyone can be count- her first book, The Middle Place, and had placed her on my ed on to have a meltdown. Expect and overlook those mo- short list of hopeful interviews. We sent her a copy of the ments. The smaller the reaction, the better the recovery. magazine, wrote her requests, and on one sunny day, she replied yes. She captures life’s moments like no one else. 2. Do a great activity within the first hour. Everyone After you enjoy the interview with her, check her out on at awaits vacations with very high expectations. And when Medium.com the first activity is a success, everyone calms down. As the school year ends and summer begins, enjoy the sun- 3. Carry snacks to save the hungry person from falling shine (with SPF), enjoy the family table, enjoy your friend- apart. ships, and …

4. Plan the details of the trip in advance. As Julie the Enjoy the read. cruise director, I have learned that spontaneity with five kids is a recipe for disaster. If someone objects to the plan in advance, you can negotiate other activities for the dis- enfranchised. When it happens in the moment, the win- ners win and the loser feels like we chose the other kids.

5. Create some formal work cycle. When the vacation includes food preparation, I create a work wheel with assignments for the whole family. This eliminates someone getting stuck (me) in the kitchen while others resume the fun.

4 YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 Grad_Ad_2015_YT_Layout 1 5/11/15 12:35 PM Page 1

est.1896 Forever green and white. No matter what colors come next. Congratulations to the Laurel School Class of 2015.

Auburn University • Baldwin Wallace University • Bowling Green State University • Brandeis University • Bucknell University • Butler University, Pharmacy • Carnegie Mellon University, Engineering (2) • Case Western Reserve University (2) • Chapman University • College of Charleston • The College of Wooster • Columbia College Chicago (2) • Columbia University • DePaul University (2) • Emory University • Gannon University • Georgetown University • Indiana University • Johns Hopkins University • Marquette University • Marquette University, Nursing • Massachusetts Institute of Technology • Miami University, Oxford (2) • New York University, Tisch School of the Arts • Northeastern University • Northwestern University (2) • The Ohio State University • The Ohio State University Honors • Pennsylvania State University, University Park • Pratt Institute • Princeton University • Purdue University • Purdue University, College of Engineering • Purdue University, College of Engineering and Honors • Rice University • Roanoke College • Saint Louis University • Scripps College • Syracuse University • Syracuse University, College of Engineering and Computer Science • Trinity College, Dublin • Tulane University (3) • University of Cincinnati (3) • University of Cincinnati College-Conservatory of Music • The University of Findlay, Animal Science & Preveterinary Studies • University of Maryland, College Park • University of Michigan (2) • University of Pennsylvania • University of Richmond • University of Virginia • Wake Forest University • Washington University in St. Louis (3) • Wellesley College

LYMAN CAMPUS One Lyman Circle, Shaker Heights • BUTLER CAMPUS 7420 Fairmount Road, Russell Twp. Girls Kindergarten-Grade 12 and Coed Pre-Primary 216.464.0946 LaurelSchool.org /LaurelSchool @LaurelSchool Dream.Dare.Do.

College choices as of May 4, 2015. YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 5 FEATURED online at CONTRIBUTORS yourteenmag.com what's trending Lisa Damour h We’ve put some great extras online Parents devote lots of energy to helping this issue, including a simple, delicious pasta babies sleep through the night. But what recipe from The Pollan Family Table about tweens and teens? This issue, Dr. Lisa Damour shows us how to make sure our (bit.ly/YTpollan-recipe) and more of our interview older children get a decent night’s rest too with Dr. Frances Jensen, author of The Teenage Brain (page 53). Watch for Dr. Damour’s new book, (bit.ly/YT-teenagebrain). Look for links throughout Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the magazine. the Seven Transitions into Adulthood, early next year. h Hot off the presses! Your Teen's free 2015 Summer Survival Guide. Get yours at Jessica Lahey bit.ly/YTSmrGd2 Middle school brings many changes, including in our adolescent’s friendships. Jessica Lahey, author of The Gift of Failure: h Got questions? We’ll get you an answer. How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Our Ask the Expert service is free and anonymous. Their Children Can Succeed, offers her Visit us at bit.ly/YTAskUs to get started. take on tween friendships in “BFFs Forever! Maybe Not . . . “ on page 49. Keep up with the latest from Your Teen on our so- Frances E. Jensen cial media channels. We’re on Facebook (Your Have you ever wondered what’s going Teen), Twitter (@YourTeenMag) and Google+ on inside your adolescent’s head? Then (+YourTeenMag). you’ll want to flip to page 43 to read our fascinating interview with Dr. Frances E. Sign up for our free email newsletter and get Jensen, a leading neuroscientist and author valuable advice and interesting parenting of The Teenage Brain: A Neuroscientist's stories delivered directly to your inbox. Survival Guide to Raising Adolescents and YourTeenMag.com/sign-up Young Adults.

Anne M. Fletcher tweets Many teenagers experiment with drugs and Follow us alcohol, but what to do when that crosses @YourTeenMag the line to a substance use disorder?  Anne M. Fletcher, M.S., R.D. and author of Deneen Vukelic @soaringdeneen I really like Inside Rehab: The Surprising Truth About what this magazine is about. Check it out: Your Addiction Treatment—And How to Get Teen Media @YourTeenMag Parents you don't Help That Works helps us get started on have to do it alone! Join 11,000+ parents and get weekly tips on all things #parenting page 38.

Nicole Rohr @HearNicoleRohr @YourTeenMag Kelly Corrigan My girls are only 5 and 2 but little do they know I am With three books and a regular gig on building my teenager survival kit now! Medium.com, Kelly Corrigan has kept us laughing—and crying—for years now. We talk with the author of the bestselling HEARTS for Families @HEARTS4Families Glitter & Glue about how life has changed @YourTeenMag Last time we went "just to look" at your boards we got sucked in for a long time. with teenagers in the house. Read our Great content! pinterest.com/yourteenmag/ interview on page 22.

6 YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 Cleveland Institute of Art Creativity Matters

From art school to the fire.

Nate Cotterman Creativity matters to Nate Cotterman. Working in a CIA Class of 2007 professional glass studio in Los Angeles, Nate is learning Glass major the ropes of running a glass business, while also having Glass Assistant access to a studio to produce his own work. Nate believes Joe Cariati Glass his drawing skills honed at CIA help him to visualize his ideas into three-dimensional forms.

See Nate at work at cia.edu/nate n Bachelor of Fine Arts degree n World-class faculty n Real-world experience n 9:1 student to faculty ratio n University Circle: Cultural hub n Studio space for each student n Successful alumni network

For more information, visit cia.edu Since 1882 BULLETIN BOARD

YOUR TURN Dear Your Teen,

I thought it important to take a few minutes to pass on praise for your website. I found the articles on homeless teens very moving. There was so much practical advice I am sure many parents and teens themselves will find useful.

Stay well. Stay happy.

John and Andrea

#parenthack Want More Balance? Take a moment to reflect on WE ASKED, TEENS TOLD: your teenager’s school year. Was it way too stressful? If so, try adding more of this Your worst lie or cheat? into your teenager’s schedule next fall, says Dr. Catherine “On vacation, my sister “I didn’t study at all for the SAT. “There was a boy I’d been Steiner-Adair: and our friends took a I ran out of time on the math talking to for awhile. I knew boat out to the middle section. When the writing my parents would never 1. Sleep (9 hours at a minimum) section began, I flipped back let me go out with him. So, of a lake without telling 2. Healthy food any of our parents. to the math section for a few I lied and said I was going 3. Exercise We called them after more minutes. A boy next to out with my friend. Then I 4. Daily downtime (even if 15 minutes and told me saw me. My heart started picked him up and we went that means doing less) 5. Fewer screens them what we’d done. to beat quickly and I wanted to out to dinner. Two weeks They were angry. My cry. I lived in fear that he would later, my mom confronted “A big part of a life in balance mom doesn’t trust me talk to the SAT proctors. He me about it. I didn’t know should involve not spending too much time on screens,” anymore.” Boston, MA didn’t. I’m taking the test again what to say, so I lied. But says Steiner-Adair, the au- soon. I won’t make the same it still confuses me to this thor of The Big Disconnect: mistake again!” day—how did she know?!” Protecting Childhood and San Mateo, CA Cleveland, OH Family Relationships in the Digital Age. “That’s a problem for teenagers and adults T For more “worst lies” stories, go to YourTeenMag.com/lies right now.”

8 YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 Do you really want to know?

Tales from It takes an average of 50 licks to polish the Front Lines off a single-scoop ice cream cone. icecream.com

Watermelon is both a fruit and a vegetable. It is part of the cucumber, squash, and pumpkin family. Americans each eat 15 pounds of it annually. watermelon.org

40% of 12 to 17 year olds said they tried marijuana for the first time during the Did I ever think that I would spend a Saturday summer. morning picking microscopic pills from my daughter’s National Household Survey on Lululemon yoga pants? I went from feeling proud Drug Abuse of being a fully engaged dad doing laundry to being soundly reprimanded for ruining a $100 pair of yoga pants by putting them in the drier. When my daughter confronted me—and after I said I was sorry—I 30% of Americans calmly asked her what she was trying to get out of age 16 to 19 were the conversation when she approached it in such employed last an accusatory way. She ran upstairs and then off to summer, down work. I can imagine her recounting the story to her from a high of 45% co-workers. Did they gasp and comfort her by telling her that all dads are losers like hers? Yet here I am, in 2000. picking these little pills out. Maybe I’m not a loser, but a Bureau of Labor Statistics big pushover?—Anonymous Dad

YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 9 PRODUCTS Product Picks Kid-tested and parent-approved, Your Teen recommends:

InnoWave Headphones Take your music everywhere you go this summer, and look stylin’, too! InnoWave is an over-the-head headset that provides a great sound experience. With a distinctive squiggly top, they’re available in vibrant colors with a flat cable that doesn’t get tangled. “These headphones have a fantastic, clear and powerful sound,” raves Your Teen’s Matt Mahoney. “The sound quality is definitely comparable to some of the more popular earphones of today’s ages like Beats by Dre and Bose. The look is very stylish and distinctive.” Innodevice.com

OXY Acne Treatment Products Enjoy clear, beautiful summer skin with OXY Daily Defense Skin Clearing treatments. Gentle enough to use every day, and powerful enough to help keep your skin acne-free. “Both the Oxy face wash and the Oxy cleansing pads are miracle workers,” says Your Teen intern Brooke Siegler. “I had a few pimples, and these products cleared my skin up within three days. They left my face smelling great, and feeling fresh, clean, and beautiful.” Oxyskincare.com

Smart Flour Gluten-Free Pizzas and Pizza Crusts Good pizza is all about the crust. Even if you can’t have gluten, you still want good pizza. Smart Flour gluten-free pizzas and pizza crusts are made with a perfect trio of My Green Fills ancient grains (sorghum, amaranth, and teff) that mix for an unbeatable combination of taste, texture and Laundry Soap nutrition. “These crusts were good if you are gluten-free Every year, the U.S. tosses over and the pizza toppings were tasty,” says Julie Frayman. “I one billion plastic laundry jugs, really enjoyed them.” www.smartflourfoods.com enough to circle the planet six times. Instead of buying new jugs, try this 100 percent natural, hypoallergenic powdered detergent. The first jug is free, and comes with a small packet of powder which you mix with water. When you run out, you buy a small refill packet and simply re-use the jug. “I always feel guilty tossing those big plastic jugs of empty laundry detergent, even if it’s into the recycling bin” says Meredith Pangrace. “This detergent solves that problem - and it seems especially worth it when I think of all the plastic I wouldn't be tossing in the future.” Mygreenfills.com

10 YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 "I'll Fly Away" Insect Repellent Don’t let mosquitos ruin your family’s outdoor summer fun! Keep pests away with 100 percent natural, DEET-free insect repellent with a pleasant smell of eucalyptus, tea tree, and citronella infused with aloe vera. “I was surprised to see that the first ingredient is catnip” says Your Teen creative director Meredith Pangrace. “It smelled really nice and did a good job at keeping the bugs off me, as long as it was directly sprayed on exposed skin. It's even safe to apply on your face!” Mygreenfills.com

Kryptonics Skateboard Perfect for your favorite Skater Girl or Boy. Won't break the bank (it's available at Walmart and Target for under New Balance Woven 574 Classic Sneaker $50), plus it comes in all kinds Step back into classic retro style with this New Balance running of patterns and colors. "It's shoe, featuring a suede/mesh upper for a premium look and an a great board," says one 9th ENCAP® midsole for added support. “I am crazy about these grade boy Your Teen asked to sneakers!” says Ahuva Sunshine. “They are so light and incredibly try it. "Just remember to loosen comfortable. And the color combinations really draw attention. the bolt on the trucks so you I wore them to a lacrosse game and got so many compliments. can turn and steer." Gotcha. They are sturdy and supportive yet sleek and stylish.” kryptonics.com NewBalance.com

Just Live Pistachio Chewy Yoga Pants Bites Snacks These yoga pants don’t just look An all-natural, individually wrapped snack (and feel) great—thanks to the that is both delicious and provides the company's proprietary YOLON nutritional fuel for a summer on the go. material—they also give back, Nutrient-rich pistachios combined with moist literally. That's because Just Live antioxidant cranberries supply the energy and donates 10 percent of its profits nutrients you need in one bite-sized snack. to charity. “They fit perfectly,” As a bonus they are vegan, Kosher, gluten & says Your Teen’s Brooke Siegler. GMO free. “These are SO good!” says Jessica “And there is a color or pattern Semel. “I would absolutely recommend them!” for everyone.” justlive.com Pistachiochewybites.com

YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 11 In a Minute Sun Protection 101 ere’s a statistic that higher the risk of developing trum,” so it protects against ager to cover up in the sun, it’s probably won’t sur- skin cancer as an adult. What UVA and UVB rays. If your teen- well worth the cost. H prise you: less than are best practices? Your Teen ager will be in and around water, one-third of American youths asked Dr. Mary Yurko , a pe- the label should also say “water 4. Remind, remind, remind— practice effective sun protec- diatric dermatologist with resistant.” just as you would for any oth- tion, according to the Centers the Helen Devos Children’s Note: SPF 30 blocks 97 percent er risky behavior. for Disease Control. Hospital in Grand Rapids, of the sun’s rays. A higher SPF “You’re trying to estab- That’s a problem because Michigan. will block slightly more, but no lish healthy habits that last the more sunburns amount of SPF can block 100 through your teenager’s whole a teenager gets, the 1. Use a minimum percent of the sun’s rays. life,” says Yurko. “Your message SPF 30 sunscreen. is that you can go out with your The label should 2. Use a generous amount— friends and have a fun time, but say “broad spec- about an ounce and a half— be sensible.” and reapply every two hours. Teenagers who prefer sprays And if your teenager gets a should spray the sunscreen di- sunburn? “Use a damp towel, rectly into their hands, then rub so it feels cooler and doesn’t it on. “Don’t inhale the spray,” hurt as much,” recommends cautions Yurko. Yurko. “You can put on a mois- turizer with aloe or soy that 3. Cover up. feels a little cooling. You can If a cute sundress, funky hat, or take ibuprofen to turn down cool t-shirt will get your teen- inflammation.”n Photo: Beth Segal Photo: Family Meetings School. Work. Jobs. Sports. Your family is busy, and it can be difficult to spend time together. Regular family meetings can help set aside time to hang out, talk about specific issues, and even prevent some stresses from spilling over into your day-to-day life. Here’re how to add family meetings to your “When my kid wants something from me during routine: the week—I need this ... now—I will respond that I’ll be happy to talk about that at the Sunday meet- Meet at a regular time. Try the same time and ing,” says Bruce Feiler, author of The Secrets of Happy day each week. Plan to spend from 20 minutes to Families and an advocate for regular family meetings. an hour. Note: Anticipate that your teenagers may

12 YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 Annoying Things Our Parents Do By Jake Van De Walle The terminal con- a friend they used to like, or won’t talk But dition of being a about how things are going in an extracur- sud- teenager is that ricular, ask them why. If they don’t want denly we will be (seem- to talk about it, let it go. Teens hate to the ingly) perpetually be forced to talk about things that they tables annoyed. It’s our age, partly. It could be haven’t fully worked out themselves yet, are turned 5school, work, peers, or society in gen- and we feel cornered if we have to. when parents eral. But often, we are annoyed with are concerned, our almost always well-meaning par- #3: You Monitor Our Activities and that double standard ents. Here’s why. (Especially Without Telling Us) is really irritating. Parents like to know the password to #1: You Don’t Notice the Good their teens’ online accounts, to be ac- #5: You Demand Our Respect We Do cessed in case of an emergency. That’s It’s important to make the distinction be- A lot of kids I know have jobs, school, and fine, and totally understandable. But tween two different implied definitions of multiple extra-curriculars to deal with. some parents grow too invasive and take the word “respect” in this case. Respect can They’re doing one or several community this idea uncomfortably far. Constantly mean (1) respect as authority or (2) respect service projects, and they’re working checking a teen’s browsing history, or as a person. These two connotations are extra hard at a sport or exercise routine. checking every e-mail they receive, makes often confused. Sometimes, when adults They take every advanced course the a teen feel wronged. Even worse is when speak of mutual respect, they mean that school offers, and then some.T hey’re up the monitoring is done in secret. Constant if a teen doesn’t respect them as author- until--or past—one in the morning get- breathing down a teen’s neck can destroy ity, they won’t respect the teen as a person ting all their work done so that they’ll mutual trust if it goes on for too long. in return. But sometimes parents need to pass all those classes with flying colors. remember that they need to earn respect And they’ll still be called lazy because #4: You Get Angry When We Stick as authority. It is reasonable to expect your they haven’t taken out the trash on time. Up for Ourselves teen to respect you as a person. But teens Maybe this doesn’t describe every teen, Teenagers get this all the time. During an ar- do not accept “I am your mother/father, but it often feels like our flops gather gument, they feel (sometimes rightly) that and you must respect me” as a valid claim. much more attention than our efforts. their voice isn’t being heard. So they object Demanding respect as authority will always that they are being treated unfairly, only lead to resentment from a teen. #2: You Press the Things We Don’t to be told that they are “back-talking” and Want to Talk About need to be quiet. From a young age, kids are Jake Van De Walle is a teen writer from Ohio. If your teen comes home from school and taught to stick up for themselves—in fact, seems down, or stops hanging out with it’s their right.

not be thrilled about this. Stick with it until it be- Save time for compliments. To set a positive comes just another part of your routine. tone, talk about good things, too. Thank each person for some help given during the week. Ask peo- Pick a style. Some families choose a roundtable ple to talk about something good that happened style, where every family member gets a turn to to them that week. talk. Other families might prefer an agenda. End with something fun. Make a special treat. Determine how you’ll make decisions. Some fam- Watch a movie or Sunday night football. And ilies make decisions by simple majority vote. Other don’t forget to make plans for a fun activity for families may prefer to make decisions by consensus, the next time, so you have something to look for- so the children can't outnumber the adults, and the ward to. n adults maintain their right to the final say.

YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 13 In a Minute

RECIPE Ginger Crinkles Simple and lip-smackingly delicious. These cookies from Helene Godin's By the Way Bakery won't last long.

Makes 3 dozen

INGREDIENTS: 2 1/3 cups flour mix 2 teaspoons baking soda 1/2 plus 1/8 teaspoon xanthan gum 1/4 teaspoon salt 1 tablespoon ground ginger 1/2 teaspoon ground cloves 1/2 cup candied ginger, diced 3/4 cup organic shortening 1 cup, packed light brown sugar 1 egg 1/4 cup molasses 3 tablespoons (approx) Demerara sugar for rolling

DIRECTIONS: 1. In a medium bowl, whisk together flour, baking soda, xanthan gum, salt and spices. 2. Place candied ginger and 2 tablespoons dry ingredients in a food processor and pulse until pieces are coarsely chopped. Set aside. 3. Beat together shortening with the sugar at medium speed until well combined. 4. Add the egg and molasses and continue mixing until well combined. 5. Reduce speed and add dry ingredients and ginger. 6. Refrigerate over night. 7. Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Line baking sheets with parchment paper. 8. Shape dough into 1” balls, roll in Demerera sugar and place on baking sheet. Bake 10- 12 minutes until lightly browned. Read our interview with Helene Godin at 9. Let cookies cool for 3-5 minutes on cookie sheet, then remove to a wire rack  bitly.com/YT-Godin until cool.

14 YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 Ginger Crinkles

YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 15 In a Minute

Move-Out Skills 101: Email Etiquette here’s no doubt that over where your message goes once with the situation. This will help you technology has fundamentally you've hit "Send"; it can be saved refrain from saying something that T changed the way teenagers and forwarded by any recipient you later regret. communicate —whether it’s 140 who chooses to do so. Words can • Don't use a silly email address. characters on Twitter, acronyms for come back to hurt people, destroy You will use your email address for texting, or doodles on a snap. But this friendships, and ruin careers. college applications, job applications, shorthand is not always appropriate • Grammar and punctuation matter. resumes, and scholarship in an email, especially one to, say, a Write in complete sentences with opportunities. Does it make a good teacher or boss. Our job is to help correct grammar. Always check impression? If not, reset it. them understand the distinctions. spelling and punctuation, especially • Answer your emails. Respond to Here are some email etiquette tips to in business emails. Save the emails within the same time span you review with your teen: emoticons and decorative fonts for would a phone call. Same day is best. emails to friends. • Exercise the ‘Golden Rule.’ If you • Human contact still matters. Don't wouldn't speak to the person that • DON'T USE ALL CAPS. In an email, communicate electronically at the way face-to-face, then don't do it all caps is the same as shouting at expense of personal interaction. online. Tone is notoriously difficult someone. There's a reason people often need to decipher online, so try to sound • Don't email when you're angry. It's to discuss things face-to-face, and positive and courteous. never a good idea to hit “Send” when there are times when no substitute • Remember, everything you post you're emotional. Take some time will do. online is public. You have no control to clear your head before you deal

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14MC Your Teen Ad.indd 1 2/4/14 8:29 AM TECH TALK Photo: Beth Segal Photo: Technology makes cheating even easier By Jane Parent

heating is nothing Students use their smart- So what is going on with dals fuel the perception that new. Technology, phones to access shared all this cheating? Maybe it their peers are all cheating, Chowever, has enabled Google Docs and cut and isn’t all that surprising, what and many students feel that students to take academic paste answers into their es- with national headlines they need to cheat simply to dishonesty to an entirely new says. Or they create a closed about educators in Atlanta keep up. level. Facebook group, divide up fudging standardized testing “It’s partly our fault as Passing notes during a an assignment, and share an- results, allegations of large- a society,” says Dr. Teresa test? So old school, when stu- swers with each other by text scale cheating in elite insti- Fishman, director of the dents can text or screenshot message. tutions such as Harvard and International Center for each other answers during a And it’s not just smart- Stanford, or scandals involv- Academic Integrity at test. “Teens are really good at phones; it’s Bluetooth devic- ing students hiring someone Clemson University. “We at- texting,” says Scott Schober, a es with a two-way wireless to take the SAT. In a survey tach so much importance cyber-security expert. “They microphones. Cameras the by the Educational Testing to such a small number of keep their phone in their size of a button. “The Apple Service, students who admit outcomes such as semester pocket, and without even Watch gives a student more to cheating on tests or writ- grades, SAT scores, GPA, that looking at it, can shoot a text computing capability on his ten assignments say that they we have created a situation to a friend in the room, or a wrist than Fortune 500 com- do so because they are under where there is an enormous confidant outside the class- panies had just a decade ago,” so much pressure to succeed. incentive to gain any advan- room, to look up answers.” warns Schober. Revelations of cheating scan- tage, no matter how small.

18 YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 “Students use their smartphones to access shared Google Docs and cut and paste answers into their essays.”

“Students feel enormous The ramifications of ing skills they were supposed to detect and pinpoint nearby pressure to get the grades cheating can last well beyond to, and subsequently find that active cellphone transmis- and test scores they believe high school into college, and they are unprepared for the sions. Another gadget, the they need for future success.” even into the workplace. “If workplace. Mantis, detects Bluetooth Who’s most likely to you cheated in high school to “There’s a lot of discussion devices and includes a direc- cheat? Often, it’s students get into a good college, then about millennials and their tional antenna to help teach- who are under a lot of outside chances are you will realize insecurity and lack of confi- ers locate cheating partners. pressure to deliver. “If grade you didn’t have the skills to dence in the workplace,” says Antiplagiarism software such motivation is intrinsic to the get in,” says Fishman, “and Fishman. “Some of those kids as Turnitin enables teachers student, it doesn’t affect their you will now feel you have to are insecure because they to scan and compare word propensity to cheat,” explains cheat in college to keep up know they do not have the phrases for plagiarized work. Fishman. “If the pressure for with other students.” skill set that employers ex- “Nothing is going to com- grades is external—coming Research shows that cheat- pect them to have.” pletely eliminate cheating,” from parents for example— ers experience greater levels of On the flip side, schools cautions Schober. “But the then the student is more unhappiness, insecurity, and are taking advantage of high- goal is to decrease the rate of likely to cheat. The message stress. Further, students who tech methods to catch cheat- cheating and hopefully pre- you are giving your children cheat often do not learn how to ers. The Pocket Hound, a vent some kids who might be definitely has an effect on the engage in the creative process wireless device the size of a tempted.” n likelihood of them cheating.” or develop the critical think- deck of cards, allows teachers

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MONEY MATTERS

Earning Power What to do with the summer paycheck?

By Rebecca Meiser

fter years of summers spent in it hasn’t allowed her adequate time to cisions about his paycheck. But if he camp or just hanging around come up with a contingency plan.” decides instead to embark on that shop- the neighborhood, your teen- And saving—another important skill ping spree—well, look at it as a learning A ager just got his first summer for teenagers to learn—takes time. experience. job—and his first paycheck. “Your teenager is probably making “It’s far better for a teen to make Hallelujah!!, you think. Is it too soon minimum wage—or just over it—and if a bad decision at age 16 or 17, when to start talking Roth IRAs? they’re trying to pay for something that they’re under your roof and the conse- Your teen, meanwhile, is just as ex- costs $500, they need to put in a lot of quences are not very dire,” says Pant. “If cited, but for entirely different reasons: hours to save up for it, even if they are they don’t get that freedom to mess up Shopping spree!, he thinks. Who wants great planners already,” Pant says. now, then they are more at risk to make to join? These real-world exercises can start bad financial decisions at 35, when the What’s a parent to do? even before your teen gets a job. “When decisions have much more expensive Start with a conversation about our kids reached 14, we figured out how consequences.” the real world, financial experts say. much money we spent on them each Plus that $400 fuzzy, pink, animal- Summer jobs are a training ground for month and put it in a checking account print jacket can always be returned. n full-time employment, when your teen for them to manage,” says Dave Ramsey, will be responsible for big-ticket ex- a personal money-management expert penses like car payments, insurance, and host of the nationally syndicated ra- and groceries. dio program, The Dave Ramsey Show. “It’s great for teenagers to make their “We had them pay for all of their ex - own decisions about money because in penses themselves out of that account, a few years they’ll be an adult and in which helped them understand how to full control of their bank account,” says budget and manage their money.” Paula Pant, a personal finance writer With your help, your teen—hope- and owner of the financial advice site fully—will make smart financial de- AffordAnything.com. “But that means it’s important for teenagers to start understanding budgets.” You can start, experts say, by asking your teen to cover extraneous items, like gasoline, clothing, or entertainment. “Anything that is not a basic necessity is absolutely fair to ask a teen to pay for,” says Pant. But these conversations need to begin before that first paycheck is in hand. That way you can avoid setting unreal- istic expectations. “If nothing is stated or talked about, the teen might assume, for instance, that mom or dad is going to pay for the cost of their prom dress,” Pant says. “Then a problem comes in, if a month before prom, mom or dad breaks the news that they’re not going to pay for it.

That’s not very fair to the teen because Beth Segal Photo:

YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 21 IN THE SPOTLIGHT

Kelly Corrigan We talk teenagers with the author of Glitter & Glue and frequent Medium.com contributor.

What’s been your biggest surprise with parenting teenagers? I thought I’d be better at it. I thought I was a natural. I thought I was cool and funny and in touch with them, and that that would somehow matter. That it would have some impact on what our daily life together was like. All of that, whether it’s true or not, is all totally eclipsed by the fact that I’m the mother. That defines everything. All of my charms are useless.

Have you had any specific revelations? It’s surprises me how hard it is to hold the line. I’m very sympathetic to my children. Even when I’m furious when them, I’m actually quite sympathetic. I want to be stricter and firmer than I am. I want to be as unyielding as my mother. But I can’t do it. I can’t hold the line.

Can you share any an example? I often find myself in these re-negotia- tions after the fact. I’ll lay down a law, like no cell phone for a week. My daughter will go quiet, and my mood will lift. Maybe two or three hours later, she’ll come back in the room and she’ll be really sweet and contrite. She’ll start sug- gesting alternative punishments. Before I know it, we’re snuggled up. We’re talking about how if she does all the laundry in the house, then she can have her cell phone back. I can never decide if I am modeling flexibility or if I’m inadver- tently modeling pushover.

Why does that worry you? I really worry about the manipulation thing. I think if a kid is being really nice to get something, then when that kid

22 YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 goes to sleep at night they may feel a lit- So you don’t ask permission to write focus. If I could bring myself to let go tle scummy about themselves. about them? of all my other projects, and just try to I haven’t yet because in all three books martial all my energy and focus and at- What was your mom like? they’ve been so young. If I were to write tention and intellect on a single project, She wasn’t open to manipulation. I think about them now, I would definitely feel mainly a novel, I would like to do that. I want them to like me more than my like I owed it to them to share any pas- mother needed or wanted me to like her. sages that touched on their lives. To If your mother wrote a book about you, I don’t think that was part of her motiva- be honest, I’m going to write private- what would it be called? tion when she raised us. ly about that for a while, and let some Quite Competent. time pass before I put anything about You have a bit of a potty mouth. How them in print. It’s too dicey right now. What would you like to see fixed in your does that affect your girls? It’s the same way that a mom should lifetime? I have done them a disservice. never dance in front of her children’s I want to make life easier for the desper- Particularly with the F-word. I’ve seen friends, or sing along to the song on the ately poor. I would like there not to be this some Instagram comments on my radio. Everything is a reflection on them. huge disparity of what life can be. These daughter’s feed. Sometimes she uses the They’re utterly self-focused. children don’t have any of the building F-word, and she seems so harsh. blocks that they need to be successful in I’d like to turn the tables and ask some school. If you can’t be successful in school, How do your girls feel about your work? of the questions you end your inter- you’re never going to get a great job. That They’re not super aware of it. Like most views with on Medium.com. So, if you just makes me sick that you could be three teenagers, they’re fairly self-absorbed, had a year to get really good at anything, years old and so far behind that your odds which is right on time developmentally. I what would you try? of catching up are minimal. n don’t think that it plays a very big role in Writing. I would write in a way that I their life, what I do and say. never have before, or I would write with —Interview by Susan Borison Get Ready The best way to get to know Hawken is to spend time on our campuses. Plan your visit to Hawken: Go to hawken.edu/visit or call 440-423-2955

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YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 23 BOOK REVIEWIEW

Not witty. Barely verbal. Abandoned by Once she is employed and able to The Language her mother at birth, Victoria spends years pay rent, Victoria chooses the living pin-balling among strangers in foster and space she feels she deserves: a closet. group homes. The experience has left her Windowless, airless, and damp, this of Flowers feral, angry, and wary. Trusting no one dark hole in the center of San Francisco and nothing, including herself. symbolizes the void between girlhood by Vanessa Diffenbaugh Her willed isolation renders her and womanhood in which Victoria will unable to relate normally to other hu- bury herself like a bulb. man beings. She compensates by rely- The closet will become, despite her ing on the only form of expression she best efforts, a place of gestation. In its Parent REVIEW believes in, one outmoded since the loamy darkness, Victoria will ultimate- Victorian era—the intricately coded ly learn to forgive herself, nurture life, By William Lucas Walker “language of flowers.” and discover the terror and wonder of This mastery of an arcane language blooming in the light of day. he most romantic bit of dialogue is all that remains of a broken childhood I’ve run across lately? relationship with the only foster moth- William Lucas Walker is a television writer/ “When I saw you jump the er who fully understood or cared for producer and author of The Huffington Post T humor column “Spilled Milk.” fence, I turned on the oven.” her. The mysteries and secrets of their This unsentimental, matter-of- complex, ill-fated bond are revealed in fact declaration of love near the end of alternating chapters that counterpoint Vanessa Diffenbaugh’s gorgeous first and gradually illuminate Victoria’s chal- novel emerges with the force of a jonquil lenges as she attempts to maneuver life bursting through the earth, emerging outside “the system.” with unexpected glory from a forgotten This is how we discover Victoria in bulb planted in the dead of winter. the novel’s early pages—hiding home- The utterance will change everything less and hungry in a public park. She for Victoria Jones, an isolated young finds a way to parlay her knowledge of woman with issues whose story begins as flowers and their meaning into the only she is ejected from a northern California job for which she’s qualified—assisting foster system on her 18th birthday and at a florist’s. thrust into a world she has no clue how These two themes—hunger and hid- to navigate. ing—will recur repeatedly, in different Victoria is not your typical literary ways, but always expressing the two most heroine. Not beautiful. Not charming. salient facts of Victoria’s emotional life.

TEEN REVIEW By Elizabeth Walker-Ziegler

have never read a book so inspir- lenged with trust, making her question to leave her foster parent, while in the ing in all of my 14 years. Vanessa whether indulging in a job at Bloom will present she is forced to leave a loved one. IDiffenbaugh has written a book de- benefit her. After the first few weeks, This timeline shows how Victoria has scribing the life of Victoria, an orphan Victoria learns the ways of flowers, deep- changed and wants to push past these who goes from being in and out of foster ening her connection with their lan- obstacles, even as she clings to the past. care, to becoming homeless, hired at a guage, and Renata's opinion toward her. After a year, feeling guilt over her flower shop, to running her own busi- Later on, Victoria meets Grant, the absence, Victoria returns to Grant and ness built on a foundation of her past. nephew of her foster parent, Elizabeth. mends the other broken relationships As the book opens, Victoria is lead- At the moment he is introduced, she in her life.. ing a dilapidated life with apathy and feels a connection similar to the one she From this book, I learned that the no hope for the future. Then she meets feels with flowers. But after a romantic things that can carry you farthest are Renata, a woman who owns a flow- encounter, and Victoria finds herself in memories. The content in this sto- er shop called Bloom and responds to a life-changing experience, she decides ry is breathtaking and life-changing. Victoria’s cry for help. she must relinquish current relation- Victoria learned to heal and forgive and Victoria has one passion—flowers. ships with her loved ones. cherish her life "imperfectly, and with- While working at Bloom, memories of The flashbacks intertwined with the out roots.” her childhood begin flooding back, and present gave me a sense of the complex- every other chapter in the novel becomes ity of obstacles Victoria faces. An ex- Elizabeth Walker-Ziegler is a rising freshman at a flashback. Victoria is profoundly chal- ample: in flashback, Victoria is forced Immaculate Heart High School in Los Angeles.

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YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 25 PERSPECTIVES

Perspectives reflects the full tapestry of our society: from parents, teens and professionals.

Living with Anxiety

Parent 1 Contributors By Anonymous Living with a child who has an anxi- It happened again just yesterday, out of ety disorder is complicated, frustrating, the blue: an innocent call from a friend exhausting, isolating, and heart-break- Parent's whom my husband and I had not seen ing. It’s not at all what we expected rais- Point in a while. He was coming to our town ing a child would be like. to watch his son play a big lacrosse game Children who suffer from mental ill- against our local high school. Sure we ness rarely have only one diagnosis. Our said, we would be glad to meet up with 16-year-old son has also been diagnosed Anonymous him. As we walked behind the arena with a rip-roaring case of ADHD, pep- where our son used to play ice hockey pered with oppositional defiance dis- to the lacrosse field, we were struck by order (ODD), and a sprinkled with Teen 1's that all-too-familiar wave of sadness. obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). Point There, lined up along the field, were But it is the anxiety disorder that causes all the folks that we used to know. Out the most trouble. playing the game were many of our son’s Anxiety is the most common emo- former hockey teammates, boys he had tional disorder, and it appears to be on grown up with. the increase. It is one of those invisible Anonymous Our son, a natural athlete, should disabilities that people don’t understand, have been out there, too. It was one so they often pass judgment. Our com- of those games, historic in nature; the pletely “normal-looking,” bright, funny, Teen 2's Point visiting team had been undefeated kind, sensitive, athletic boy with amaz- for many years. They were the team ing coordination and balance can be to beat, and it was a terrific game. It taken down without warning by a wave came down to an overtime win. As the of nausea and stomachaches. Anxiety boys from our town rushed the field in is related to our survival instinct. It is a Anonymous euphoria, we were crushed by the fact fear (think fight or flight) response when that our son was not out there among there is no actual danger or threat, like them. He was in fact home playing a false alarm ringing within your body. Professional on the computer and had no interest The telephone calls from the school in going to the game with us at all. It nurse began in the third grade. Our son was another painful reminder of the was not feeling well and complaining of important social experiences our son pains in his stomach, so we needed to was missing out on because his anxiety come and get him. Once we were in the Dr. Molly McVoy forced him to quit—lacrosse, soccer, car and pulling away from the school, a baseball, and eventually the one sport wave of relief would wash over his body he truly excelled at, ice hockey. and he was fine. The same thing would

26 YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 PERSPECTIVES

happen while he was playing sports. that he has no interest in doing. It is ex- activities, and their self esteem suffers. During games he was often sidelined be- hausting to “convince” our son to par- If our son can’t defeat his anxiety cause of nausea and stomach pain. This ticipate in extracurricular activities. We (that “bully in his brain”), our fear is would happen on and off until 8th grade, work extremely hard to get him to every that his life will become stunted and when he was in such distress, we need- meeting or rehearsal. We have worked limited, even more than it already has. ed to hospitalize him. It was then that for years with many therapists, doctors, But there is always hope, and we try to we decided to pull him from the public and psychiatrists on behavior modifica- remain optimistic and extol the victo- school system, and it was then that the tion psychotherapy and different medi- ries along the way, no matter how small bed-wetting (which periodically plagued cations. These remedies have provided and insignificant they might seem to him from September to June) stopped. some relief, but battling anxiety is still a “typical” families. For instance, con- We learned early on not to ask our daily struggle for our son, and for us. sidering our son struggles with anxi- son if he wanted to go and do “xyz” be- When internalized, the emotional ety, it is nothing short of a miracle that cause no matter how great a place or pain of anxiety manifests in depres- he is performing in his second musical. fun an experience it would be, he would sion and loss of self-esteem. If the emo- Though his parts have been small, and always say no. When our son was in 5th tional pain is too much to bear, he will we struggle to get him into the car for grade, we made the mistake of surpris- cut. When externalized, the angst is ex- every rehearsal, he is singing and danc- ing the kids with a trip to Disney World. pressed in rage-filled tantrums. ing on a stage in front of an audience, He began to cry as we pulled into the Because of our son’s inability to regu- and this is something to celebrate. airport and would not get out of the car late his emotions, his peers have rejected even though he knew Disney World was him and he has been subjected to teasing The author lives in New England with her hus- a kid’s paradise. If he had no reference and criticism. He is extremely sensitive band and two sons, 13 and 16, both of whom were adopted and struggle--to varying degrees--emo- or understanding of what the experi- to his perception that other people disap- tionally and socially with learning and executive ence entailed, it was safer and less anx- prove of him. This has led him, at times, function disabilities, anxiety, ADHD, reading so- iety-producing to just say no. to play the part of people-pleaser, always cial cues, and thus making and keeping friends. He has always been much more com- making sure other individuals approve of fortable staying home playing video him. In addition, the pain of failure is so games and socially isolating himself, great that he often refuses to try anything which in turn isolates his parents, too. unless he is assured quick and easy suc- Teen 1 The ongoing battle to limit time with cess. Taking a chance on something novel electronic gadgets—the one pastime is too big an emotional risk. By Anonymous that soothes our son, makes him forget When left untreated, teens with his anxiety, and calms his hyperactive, anxiety disorders are at higher risk to Some of my earliest memories feature ADHD brain—has driven a wedge in our perform poorly in school, miss out on my therapist. I was diagnosed with anxi- relationship with him. He resents the important social experiences, and en- ety as a young child. While other children fact that we are so strict with electronic gage in substance abuse. They will were struck by fears on a fleeting basis, time and that we force him to do things avoid sports and other extracurricular I could not stop thinking and obsess-

YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 27 PERSPECTIVES living with ANXIETY

ing over them, using my vast imagina- uled my first appointment with a psy- suffering from panic attacks and have tion to create new “what if” scenarios in chiatrist at the university health center. cut myself all over my body. I have which they would play out. When a tiger She prescribed antidepressants that re- crazy suicidal thoughts. I dissociate escaped from a zoo in a nearby city, I was ally helped me get out of that dark place from my body, which makes every- petrified the tiger would enter my second I was in. The medication was far from thing feel flat and two dimensional. I floor bedroom. Together with my thera- perfect and had tangible side effects, feel like I am in the picture, and I am pist, I built a tiger trap fit for my bedroom but for me at that time the benefits out- in focus but everything around me is a window to finally move past that. weighed the costs. The medication also big blur. Sometimes I just need you to Despite being a high-achieving hon- helped me relax about my academic be there for me. I need you to distract ors student and successful athlete on performance and potential, allowing me from the thoughts in my head. I two of my high school’s sports teams, me to truly enjoy college. need you to make me laugh. I need I was constantly pondering “what ifs.” Most of the academic worries I en- you to be sweet with me when I am What if I am only smart enough to suc- countered proved futile. I worked hard sad or feel depressed or scared. High ceed in 9th grade, but 10th grade will throughout high school and college and school has been extremely difficult for really show my true colors and I won’t reaped the rewards of my success re- me. I am so shy and I have difficulty make it through? What if I can only cently when I received a full scholarship interacting with my peers and my shine in the context of my parochial to a great law school. teachers. When I tell you I am afraid high school but not in college? My anxiety inhibited the natural to talk to my teachers, you get so mad With my heart beating at an expo - growth of confidence I should have en- at me, which then makes me feel scared nentially high rate and my stomach in joyed after proving myself over and over of telling you my feelings. It has felt knots, these were the thoughts I was again. I have “impostor syndrome”— to me THAT the more I needed you, entertaining while other students were feeling that I’m a fraud and don’t de- the further away you have moved. It thinking about where the next party was serve my success. It’s a complex that does not help me that you tell me over or which sports team won last night. unfortunately plagues so many high- and over that you are sorry that I am My anxiety reached its zenith when I achieving women and girls. sad or anxious. Please stop apologiz- started “hanging out” with John during Those teenage years were tough, but ing then going on about your day like my freshman year of college. In my eyes, in retrospect they pushed me to work I don’t exist. You have been consumed John was perfect—he was a brilliant hard and not take success for granted— with your boyfriend’s needs, not mine. honors student who spoke multiple giving me life skills that are important languages and studied abroad across foundations for continued achievement Mother, I am a teenager and I know Europe. He was extremely kind, hand- as an adult. I don’t know much, but I do know I some and witty. As we started getting to have tried almost everything I know know each other and began dating, my to feel better and I don’t . I am asking “what ifs” went on steroids. What if I am Teen 2 you once again if I could get some help. not good enough for him? What if I gain You see mom, I want to go to college weight and he thinks I am fat? What if I By Anonymous and have a good job. I don’t want to don’t crack the right joke or sound intel- stay in the house and hide anymore. ligent enough? What if his friends think When I was 15, I wrote this letter to my I know you are afraid to admit that I am a loser? mother. It represents how I felt at that your kid has issues, but I do and I am When he broke up with me, I was time. Overwhelmed. Panicked. Lost. SCREAMING for help! devastated. I feared seeing him on campus, especially with a different girl. I Dear Momma, My mother responded positively to was so anxious about this that I would my letter and she found a counselor skip events I thought he might attend. I know it has been hard on you know- for me. I have been in counseling from I would trip on the sidewalk because I ing that your kid has to deal with ages 15-17, which I highly recommend was looking in various directions to see anxiety and depression, but it is just for any teenager struggling with anxi- if he was in my vicinity. With prodding as hard for me knowing that your ety and/or depression. Therapy has from my concerned roommate, I sched- support is very limited. I have been been such a positive experience for me.

28 YOUR TEEN | MAY-JUNE 2015 “Around 15 to 20 percent of youth will be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder during their childhood.”

The therapy office has felt like a sanc- estimated in its power. “Stop worrying mal part of childhood. Nearly every tuary. It feels like an escape. I have en- about that.” “What’s the big deal?” “It’s child has periods in which they are more joyed having someone I can really talk just a worry …” These are just some of fearful—“stranger anxiety” as an infant; do, someone who won't judge me. I like the phrases many of my patients and fear of the dark and monsters under the that I have never been pushed to talk or their families have heard before finally bed as a toddler; fear of not fitting in as do something I did not want to do. I like coming to my office for treatment. a school-age child and teenager. All of opening up. It feels like I'm letting go of Because anxiety is so underestimated these are typical. anxiety. I like having so many good ways and so common, many families strug- The difference between “normal” to cope with my anxiety and depression. gle with it for years before they finally anxiety and an anxiety disorder is the I like that I am not self destructive any present to a therapist or a psychiatrist. way the child and family are able to re- more. I like that I have more energy to “Worry,” “anxiety,” and “stress” are hard spond. If the anxiety or fear persists for tackle my problems. I have enjoyed be- concepts for kids to understand and ex- months or is completely unmanageable coming a better listener and speaker. I press. Consequently, over the years, I’ve for the child and family, then it may be like that I don't feel so alone anymore. learned to be on the lookout. When fam- more than a “phase,” and it is worth I actually like myself. ilies and I discover that anxiety is what seeking help. I just graduated from high school has been crippling their lives for years, I Therapy, particularly, cognitive be- and I am beginning college. I am really feel relief, and the families often feel un- havior therapy (CBT), is the gold stan- glad, but also so scared and excited all at derstood for the first time in a long time. dard for the treatment of anxiety the same time! I feel relief, because, although in- disorders. When done properly, CBT credibly impairing and overwhelming, can give a child and a family a new un- anxiety disorders are some of the most derstanding of the way they think and Professional treatable disorders in all of pediatric behave in response to anxiety—and, psychiatry. Completely. Treatable. With consequently, allow the child and family By Dr. Molly McVoy the right combination of therapy and, to run their lives, not the anxiety. If the in some cases, medication, children can anxiety is moderate or severe, medica- Aesop wrote, “A crust eaten in peace is bet- flourish and succeed, the anxiety no lon- tion can be helpful in addition to therapy. ter than a banquet partaken in anxiety.” ger running their lives. The selective serotonin reuptake inhibi- Those who suffer with anxiety disor- First, however, they need to get the tors (SSRIs) are the medication most ders will understand what Aesop is re- right diagnosis. Anxiety can present in often prescribed for children with anxi- ferring to—no matter how wonderful, all different forms—it can make ado- ety disorders—these include sertraline magical, enjoyable, beautiful, or excit- lescents irritable and angry—which (Zoloft), fluoxetine (Prozac), citalopram ing the surroundings are, if one cannot can make those adolescents seem op- (Celexa), and escitalopram (Lexapro), to enjoy it, it is meaningless. Anxiety dis- positional and “bad.” It can make them name a few. Medications for anxiety, in orders can cause beautiful, pleasurable, distracted and disorganized, a reason general, are safe and effective. positive things to become completely it’s sometimes mistaken for ADHD. The bottom line is anxiety disorders unbearable and miserable. Anxiety can make children fear things are common, under-diagnosed, and Anxiety is the most common mental that aren’t real and, therefore, act in very impairing, while still incredibly health disorder diagnosed in childhood, ways that seem unusual. treatable. more common even than Attention Typical signs of anxiety are difficul- To finish, I will quote another author, Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) ty sleeping, many unexplained physical one our teen readers may recognize, and depression. complaints (stomach aches, headaches, Veronica Roth, the author of Divergent: Around 15 to 20 percent of youth will etc.), and “worries”—often presented to “I have to face the fear. I have to take be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder parents in the form of unending ques- control of the situation and find a way during their childhood. In addition, anx- tions about “what if,” “when,” and “why.” to make it less frightening.” iety is an important component of most Avoidance of things that are stressful is other psychiatric illnesses, and often a also quite common in anxiety disorders. Dr. Molly McVoy is a psychiatrist and program component of chronic medical illness. Complicating all of this is the fact director of the Department of Child and Adolescent Anxiety, or “worry,” is often under- that anxiety, fear, and worry are a nor- Psychiatry at UH Case Medical Center.

YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 29 Travel With Teens?

30 YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 Travel

With Teens? If thoughts of spending an entire Yes it’s Possible, week in close quarters and Even Fun! with your teen

BY Kate Pocock makes you think ‘horror movie,’ read on. Yes it’s possible, even fun—and can be tremendously rewarding.

“I’m sorry mom, but for some reason, talking to you these days is physically painful for me,” announced my 13-year-old daughter. How could the poor girl survive these upcoming mother-daughter years? More importantly, how could we get through the cruise I had just booked for our summer vacation, a seven-day sail around the Mediterranean Sea? “Well, I guess we’d better ask for dinner companions,” I replied. “Or it’s going to be a very quiet week.” Teens can make for challenging travel companions. They like to sleep late, have a fixed sense of style or music (get ready for fashion boutiques or music stores rather than museums), and like to hang out with other teens whom you’ve barely met. And yet, traveling with them promotes opportunities for a lifetime of discussion. You’ll find that with a little bit of input and a lot of planning, teens will actually display en- thusiasm for historical sights, new cultural experiences, and action—whether it’s rafting through whitewater, climbing a bell tower, riding horses across a desert, or embarking on a wildlife safari to see lions. Here’s how to have the best vacation ever with your teens:

YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 31 Traveling with Teens

Let them help 1 plan the trip Give your teenagers a role in arranging your trip. “The most important thing when planning a vacation with teens is to involve them in the planning early on,” says Kyle McCarthy, co-founder and editor of the website of Family Travel Forum (myfamilytravels.com). Discuss possible itineraries and activities. “You need to make them stakeholders in the success of the trip so that they pitch in to make every day the best possible day.” You might even share budget considerations for the trip. Would they rather splurge on an all-inclusive cruise with su- perstar musical entertainment, or embark on a wildlife ex- pedition in a National Park, allowing money left over for that Tap into their cool guitar they’d been eyeing? “Give them the responsibility to plan, arrange things, and 2 interests even help with the budget,” says Rainer Jenss, president and Whether it’s baseball, beadwork, or blues guitar, teens are founder of the Family Travel Association, and a parent who passionate about their pursuits. And parents can share some has taken his boys around the world. “Say ‘OK, based on this of that excitement. “My son has some interest in airplanes amount of money, here’s what we can plan.’ ” and aeronautics,” says Jenss. “So we’ve gone to air shows and In our own family, each of the three teens was responsible aeronautical museums. This is something new to me. The for one day of vacation. It was up to them to do the research, tables have turned a bit.” then present it to the rest of the family, who would all abide On one of our family trips, my husband and I wanted to by their choices. It’s how we all learned about Italian fashion, forgo a touristy cruise to see glass blowers on the Italian is- rode bikes along a Rail Trail, and snorkeled among turtles in land of Murano. But the teens persisted, and once home, our the Caribbean Sea. 14-year-old son declared it was a highlight of his trip. “I never knew that you could actually make glass,” he said. “That was so cool.” Today this son is an engineer. Dr. Frances E. Jensen, chair of the Neurological Department of the University of Pennsylvania and author of The Teenage Brain, agrees. “Even if they pick something you really don’t want to do, show them that you respect that and participate.” It could turn out to be the most interesting excursion.

32 YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 Don’t forget 3 the down time Don’t plan every minute. Leave some hours unscheduled to allow time for wandering, checking the iPad (see our sidebar Taming Technology), feeding that bottomless pit stomach, or just hanging out with a new friend. “Parents expect teens to participate in everything, but teens have so many things going on, that you need to give them time on their own,” says McCarthy. That applies to mornings as well. Think twice about setting the alarm to hit the beach at sunrise. “It’s not just hu- mans,” Jensen says. “All mammalian species need more sleep during adolescence.” The reason? Sleep hormones are programmed to be released two hours later in the teen brain. “Getting a teenager up at 6 a.m. is like getting an adult up at 4 a.m.,” she explains. When possible, pick activities that are more of a match for your teenager’s sleep needs. Late-night concerts or soi- rées that include a midnight fireworks show could be just the ticket to round off a perfect teen vacation day. Taming

of The Teenage Brain. Technology “They are not even en- Thinking about leaving the gadgets at home? Think joying or experiencing again. It’s become almost impossible to ban them out- the place.” right, and you may also need them for practical reasons—to look up admission prices, consult maps, keep Some families organize a daily time to plug in, or in touch with the office, or send photos to grandma to limit it to taking and downloading photos, no tex- assure her that everyone is OK. ting allowed. Don’t spring this on your teenager. Agree on a plan in advance. “The thought of getting unplugged on vacation has gone the way of the dodo,” says Kyle McCarthy, co-founder One way to reconnect as a family is to pick a place and editor of the website Family Travel Forum. “Parents, with no WiFi, such as Yellowstone National Park, too, are not always able to unplug.” or a family lodge like Strathcona Park Lodge & Outdoor Education Centre on Vancouver Island. The trick is to limit everyone’s time on the devices. There, all manner of angst should fade away as Otherwise, “you could actually have a kid on vacation you and your teens paddle canoes, roast marsh- that is spending more of their time on vacation texting mallows, dive into a lake after a beach sauna, and people that they’re on vacation than actually experienc- walk high up amongst the branches of the giant ing the vacation,” says Dr. Frances E. Jensen, author Douglas fir trees. Bon voyage!

YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 33 Traveling with Teens

4KEEP IT ACTIVE There is little time (or chance) for teens to grumble when they’re kept active, whether they are riding a horse or riding waves on a surfboard. Teens love action, discovering new skills, and a bit of a thrill too. “It’s an amazing time for discov- ery,” says Jensen. “They take risks, test the limits. It’s a natural state; that’s part of who they are.” Often, scary is fun for teenagers. Take 14-year-old Spencer Kelly, whose family set out on a nighttime hike with head- lamps through the rain forest of Belize. “We could hear the sounds of animals, and see the eyes of spiders; they were shin- ing in the dark,” he said. “Some were as big as your hand.” He agreed that “adventure is way better than relaxation. A vacation is something you should remember.”

Travel with teens 5 provides lifelong lessons No matter where you go or what you do, your teens will learn important lessons, including how to get along with each other and their parents. “Teens are ‘jacked up’ for learning,” says Jensen, “A teen brain is a learning brain.” It’s also a time for teens to watch parent behavior—to see if you, too, brush your teeth and make your bed and how you react if another driver cuts you off in traffic. And if the trip goes south fast? “It’s up to the parent to stand back, take a breath, count to 10, and not over-react,” says Jensen. So it’s a learning session for parents, too. What you really want to hear when the teens get home and meet up with their friends is, “That was the best vacation ever!” As for that girl on the mother-daughter cruise? After trying to sneak into the Vatican wearing shorts, teasing me by throwing three coins into the Trevi Fountain (signifying im- pending marriage), and sailing past the volcano of Stromboli erupting flashes of orange into the sky, she laid her head on my shoulder and said, “Let’s do this again sometime.” Not so painful after all.

34 YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 Think of a few activities teens would enjoy: * Enjoy a spa day with manicures and pedicures. * Get a group for laser tag or paintball. Staycations * Take a trip to an outlet mall. * Go geocaching. by Jane Parent * Try indoor rock climbing, a challenge rope course, or zip ometimes vacation just your family will and will not do dur- lining. isn’t in the cards, perhaps ing this time. That could include S because of sports with limiting screen time, phone usage, * Take a day trip to a nearby town “optional” practices you really email, cooking, and chores. or national park. can’t miss, jobs, or college visits. * Try a new restaurant. Or maybe it’s not in your budget Next, decide just what you will do right now; travel costs can add up on your staycation. Hold a family * Build a fire pit, s’mores. Add a fast, especially when vacation in- meeting to discuss your ideas and movie for great family time. cludes airfare, hotel, and food for get input. If you like spontaneity, your adult-sized eating machines. consider putting everyone’s ideas Teens, however, can be very busy But that doesn’t mean that you into a hat, then picking one activ- people, so their idea of vacation can’t still have a great vacation ity each day. If your family prefers might just involve sleeping—and at home as a family. With a little more structure, use your ideas to that’s fine. “Down time is very im- planning and preparation (and the develop an itinerary for the week. portant. If your usual morning rou- comfort of sleeping in your own Set a reasonable budget. Get your tine is very hectic because of work bed at night), a “staycation” can home ready before the staycation and school, then I try to do the op- be an intentional time of fun and starts. Clean, shop, and get the posite of normal,” says Samantha relaxation. laundry done in advance. Get some McGarry, author and parenting takeout menus. Cook a few fam- blogger. “Let them have a lazy First, set some ground rules. The ily favorites and put them in the morning, and plan an activity for point of a staycation is to feel as freezer. Get everything ready so later in the day. To set a vacation at- much like a family getaway as pos- once your staycation starts, you titude, I try to be more flexible and sible, so decide in advance what can all relax. to say yes more than no.”

YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 35 Traveling with Teens: TEEN SPEAK

Please, No College Talk by Claire Klodell

f you’re on the way to a family vaca- teacher talked about in AP European line. In England, we were locked out of tion and don’t hear, “Are we there History. When my family announced our apartment. In France, I was locked yet?” at least 10 times, then are our plans to visit Europe, the look on in a bathroom stall for 30 minutes. you really on a family vacation? my face was the same ecstatic expres- On our way home, United Airlines As a 17-year-old girl with two sis- sion as the audience members when had too many passengers to fit us on tersI (ages 14 and 9), I hear this phrase Ellen Degeneres announces the “12 our first flight—and our second flight whined more times than you can Days of Giveaways”. was cancelled. We had to stay in the imagine. Yes, I’m even guilty of mut- airport hotel for two days longer than tering it myself. I couldn’t believe it. All I could think planned. about was, “What should I wear when In high school, I became obsessed I meet Harry Styles?” Obviously, bad luck is no stranger to with traveling to Europe. I idol - my family when it comes to vacations. ized the members of the band One In eighth grade, we learned about We’ve left suitcases at home. I’ve had Direction. I dreamed about visit- the Hero’s Journey. In short, the hero the blessing of food poisoning. My ing Versailles after Kimye’s (Kim takes a journey and is confronted with mother likes to call it, “The Clampetts Kardashian and Kanye West) wed- all kinds of challenges. In a way, our go on vacation.” ding party and of seeing the places my family vacations have a similar story- BROADWAY SUMMER CAMP with Rodgers + Hammerstein’s Cinderella

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36 YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 “Our once fun-filled trips have transformed into glamorized college roadshows right before my eyes.”

Lately, that bad luck has taken anoth- ries—and maybe a memorable sun- the sake of our sanity, leave the ‘col- er turn as I’ve begun the process of ap- burn along the way. The last thing I lege’ word at home on vacation. For a plying to college. In fact, you could say want to discuss is where I’m going to week or two, it can’t hurt to eliminate that college has invaded our family va- college. Ultimately, all of the ques- it from everyone’s terminology. cations. Wherever we go, my parents tions my family asks always come seem to find time to squeeze in a quick back to college. My answers? “I’m not Make the best of the time you have left tour of whatever college is nearby. Our sure yet. Hanging in there. ” What I together, even if your family resembles once fun-filled trips have transformed wish I could say? “Please remove ‘col- the Clampetts while it happens. into glamorized college roadshows lege’ from your vocabulary. We’re on right before my eyes. vacation.” Claire Kodell is a high school student in As much as I appreciate their efforts— Live a little. High school is stressful, Columbus, Ohio. dragging my sisters and me across the especially since we’ve had the impor- state to visit campuses that are now a tance of getting into the “right” college blur in my mind—a vacation is meant ingrained into our minds ever since to be an escape from reality. It’s a time we entered elementary school. As cru- to live in the moment, make memo- cial as college visits are, parents, for

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YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 37 CROSSROADS

Drug and Alcohol Treatment What to do when experimentation crosses the line to substance use disorder

By Randi Mazzella Why the Term Substance Use Disorder? he majority of teenagers experiment with drugs or alcohol in high school. Unfortunately, The term “substance abuse” for some of those teenagers, experimentation is no longer used to describe crosses the line to a substance use disorder that an individual who is misusing requires some sort of professional help. drugs and/or alcohol. Today, T experts instead use the term How can parents tell? “The classic things we look for are changes in behavior,” says Dr. Joseph Shrand, medical director of CASTLE, an intervention unit for “substance use disorder.” teenagers at the High Point Treatment Center in Brockton, Mass. That includes Substance use disorders are changes in sleep habits, energy levels, personal hygiene, and mood. Dropping categorized as mild, moderate, grades, new friends, and a loss of appetite are also cause for serious concern. Parents may also notice telltale signs associated with certain drugs. “If your or severe, and while an teenager has bloodshot eyes—and you find Visine lying around—they may be individual can be diagnosed smoking weed,” explains Shrand. “Stimulants like cocaine will make them hy- in any of these categories, it’s peractive, while opioids—heroin and prescription painkillers—will make them only the last one—severe— lethargic.” If you’re noticing these sorts of changes, talk to your teenager. If your teenager that most experts consider admits to a problem—or if he doesn’t, but the negative changes and substance use addiction. persist—it may be time to take action. That does not mean parents should pick up the phone and call the nearest adolescent substance abuse treatment center, stress the experts.

38 YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 39 CROSSROADS

Rather, start by getting your teenag- Understand your options. The as- Within the stepped approach, an er assessed by an independent mental sessment will help determine which outpatient program is an appropriate health professional who has experience substances your teenager is using place to start for most teenagers (and working with adolescents with sub - and how much, as well as—and this adults), says Fletcher. stance abuse issues. is key—any underlying mental health “The research shows in adults that “Ideally, you want someone who does or other issues (including in the fam- residential treatment is no more effec- not have a vested interest in admitting ily) that may be contributing to the tive than outpatient treatment,” she ex- your teen to a treatment program,” recom- problem. It should also recommend a plains, adding that there has been little mends Anne M. Fletcher, M.S., R.D., and course of action for your teenager. research in teens. author of Inside Rehab: The Surprising Fletcher says that many experts rec- Here’s just some of what par- Truth About Addiction Treatment—and ommend a “stepped approach.” ents should look for in any treatment How to Get Help That Works “You want to increase the intensity program: of the care, as the intensity of the prob- Work your network. Ask friends and lem increases,” she explains. “You don’t It’s comprehensive. You want to treat family. Use the Internet. Consult with start out with the most intensive treat- the substance problem, but you also medical professionals whom your ment first.” want to make sure you’re tackling any teenager sees regularly. For example, Indeed, for many teenagers, seeing underlying problems—such as mental if your child is diagnosed with ADHD, a mental health professional with sub- health issues—that are contributing talk to that specialist. Your pediatrician stance misuse expertise in the commu- to the problem. “You want to find out may also be able to help with a refer- nity on a regular basis is enough to get if the substance abuse is secondary to ral, though this is not an area in which them through this stage. something else—like depression, trau- many pediatricians are trained. For teenagers with more serious, on- ma, anxiety—which is leading your Above all, ask questions, including: going problems, enrollment in a formal teenager to self medicate,” explains “What is your experience with substance treatment program may be necessary. CASTLE’s Shrand. problems? What is your experience with However, even here there are choices teens? How do you assess this?” suggests to be made: outpatient, inpatient, or It’s based on science. Make sure the Fletcher. some combination of both. program is run by qualified, licensed

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7978_Woodmere-Beachwood_YourTeenMag_B.indd 1 4/6/15 11:37 AM 40 YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 medical professionals—doctors, psy- growth boarding schools,” and other Rehab has resources on this). Also call chiatrists, psychologists, etc.—and of- boot-camp style approaches. The bot- the Better Business Bureau. Any nega- fers a treatment plan that is grounded tom line: they don’t work. tive report should be a major red flag. in the latest evidence-based substance “Confrontational approaches have use disorder research. not been shown to be effective and What happens after. “Find out what “You want a program that really certainly not with adolescents,” adds supports are put in place to help your understands state of the art neurosci- Fletcher. teenager stay sober,” says Shrand. That ence about the adolescent brain,” adds can include therapy, support groups, Shrand. A family affair. While parents are not and other services that help your teen- Beware of programs that aggres- to blame for their teenager’s addic- ager readjust to life without drugs or sively tout non-traditional therapies, tion, they should still be prepared to alcohol. like Reiki, yoga, acupuncture, or even play a role in the treatment. “The fam- animal therapy. While alternative ily component of a treatment program For more information, check out our therapies can improve your teenager’s is an integral part of a teen’s recovery,” article atbit.ly/YT-parenthelp to physical health—or provide emotion- explains Fletcher. “So, make sure it hear what experts recommend about al comfort—there’s no evidence that includes a significant family therapy parenting a teenager who’s dealing they are effective in treating substance commitment.” with substance use disorder. abuse problems on their own. Parents should be sure they’re selecting treat- Quality. It’s important to make sure ments that have proven track records. treatment programs are licensed and accredited by the state in which they No tough love. Shrand also recom- operate. mends parents steer clear of programs Use the Internet to research fa - with harsh methods. “No programs cilities you’re considering. Look for where they try to scare you out of using recommendations on the (many) ques- drugs and alcohol.” These can include tions you should ask before check- wilderness programs, “emotional- ing your teenager in (Fletcher’s Inside

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42 YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 ASK THE DOC

Ask the Doctor Understanding the Teenage Brain

Frances E. Jensen, MD, is When her sons entered adolescence, Dr. Frances Jensen, a neuroscientist, Professor and Chair of the Department of Neurology couldn’t help but wonder what was going on inside their heads. Your Teen at the Perelman School of Medicine at the University of talks with the author of The Teenage Brain: A Neuroscientist's Survival Guide Pennsylvania. to Raising Adolescents and Young Adults.

Why a book about the evidence of better synap- So, what should I do if my but that’s not true and that’s teenage brain? tic plasticity in the teenage adolescent is struggling great news. Parents should I am a neuroscientist and I brain. in math? be working on that. In el- do research on brain devel- Don’t ignore it. Adolescents ementary school, parents opment. I also have two sons What’s synaptic can improve skills tremen- are very involved, and then and when they morphed plasticity? dously. Their synaptic plas- in middle school, we decide into adolescents, I thought: When you learn, you are us- ticity is higher. They learn at you’re a scholar or you’re “What is going on?” I really ing the same pathway over higher rates. This is a carpe not. That’s not right. It can wanted to understand my and over again in your brain. diem time of life. It’s the change. sons and not alienate them. As a result, something kind best time to correct read- I’m also naturally curious of magical happens, which is ing problems, to improve in Teenagers don’t have and being in the field, I tried that this process triggers the math, or whatever it is. As fully mature brains? to turn what could have been building of a synapse. That’s adults, we have to put much No, they don’t. A lot of peo- anger and frustration into where two brain cells connect. more effort into our learn- ple believe that once their curiosity. This was in the All the proteins that are re- ing. Teenagers need to know children physically mature, mid-2000s, when a lot of re- quired to build these synapses that they are coming out of there is an adult brain in search on adolescent brain are actually programmed at this golden period. Their IQ there. That’s not true. The development was breaking. higher levels in children and can change. It can go up, but brain is only about 80 per- I found it fascinating, es- teenagers, which is why teen- it can also go down. We all cent of the way to adulthood pecially the science about agers can learn so well. thought IQ stayed the same, at the end of your teenage

YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 43 ASK THE DOC

years. Even when you leave to jump into a quarry where the same process as learning to put the clothes in the ham- college, your brain is not there is not enough water. a fact; it’s just happening in per? What is that all about? fully mature yet. The brain a different part of the brain. The dishwasher is just next does not fully mature un- What other A part called the reward sys- to the sink. Why can’t you til around the mid-20s. The characteristics are the tem. The science shows that put the dishes in the sink? frontal and pre-frontal lobes result of a teenager’s the synapses in the reward Again, their brains are not are the last to connect. still-developing brain? system get larger with every firing on all cylinders. Their Teenagers have emotional exposure to drugs and alco- minds are just focused on What are the frontal and highs and lows. The emo- hol, and because teenagers other things. Teenagers are pre-frontal lobes? tional centers of the brain are have better synaptic plastic- still at a point where they These lobes are the seat of ex- connected before the frontal ity, their addiction is greater are very self absorbed, not ecutive function, judgment, lobes, so the emotional cen- as a result. That is astound- in a conceited way, but it’s a insight, empathy, impulse ters are firing on all cylinders ing to me, and I made sure “me, me, me” time. They are control and those abilities are, with zero dampening from my teenagers knew that. struggling to get through when you think about it, ex- the frontal lobe. Teenagers their agenda, which they actly what are still under de- make a lot of mistakes. They How can understanding are hyper-focused on. You velopment in the teenager. So, have not done life before. brain science help us just have to shake your head while everyone is born with There is a lot of trial and er- parent our teenagers? and remind them to turn a frontal lobe, it doesn’t have ror. There is novelty seeking. I think what parents some- the lights off. Miraculously, these rapid connections go- There is identity seeking. times do with teenagers is when they start getting elec- ing to it for split-second deci- There is a huge amount of that they get frustrated and tric bills, they learn to turn sion-making until about your risk-taking. Teenagers are they throw up their hands. the lights off. mid-20s, when the brain fin- not good at identifying that That is the wrong thing to ishes developing. That’s why this cause will lead to this ef- do. I am not advocating for Final thoughts? teenagers are able to reason fect. And they are very im- helicopter parenting. What What I learned while writing through, say, questions on an pressionable, both by good I’m saying is that as much this book is that there is still SAT test, but they’re not good and by bad things. In gen- energy as you put into your a lot of myth out there about at deciding whether or not eral, influences have a much toddler, it’s a different kind teenagers. An attitude of, more penetrating and per- of energy, but you may have “Oh, they’ll be fine. They will manent effect on them dur- to put in even more for bounce back. They will grow ing this period. your teenager. You have to out of it.” Well, teenagers do help them plan. You have to grow out of it, but I felt we Like drugs and alcohol? help them understand their were dismissing what they Yes, we now understand strengths and weakness- were doing during the teen- that addiction is a form of es. A teenager is not going age years. It’s an incredibly synaptic plasticity. It’s a to go up to a counselor and valuable and precious time. form of learning. Because say: “You know, I think I’m It’s a time you can still really teenagers have more syn- having trouble in science.” scaffold your brain for your apses—and more synaptic Talk to them about decision- future life. I think parents plasticity—they need less ex- making. As a parent, you need to know that. I think posure to drugs and alcohol have to step up and be their teenagers need to know that. to have more of an effect on frontal lobe. Give a frontal You need to mind your brain. the brain. So binge drinking lobe assist, if you will. You get one brain. will cause more brain injury in the teenager than it will What does brain science Read more of our interview with in the adult. Teenagers don’t say about teenagers Dr. Jensen, including why sleep is so important for teenagers, require as many exposures never turning off the at bit.ly.com/YT-teenagebrain. to an addictive substance lights! to be addicted. It’s basically Or why can’t they remember

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YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 45 COLLEGE CORNER

Taking a year off before college is a Gap Year growing trend

By Mimi Roberts

uestion: Teenagers who say they need a break before going Qto college should: A. Go to college anyway. B. Consider a gap year. The answer is B. But until recently, the gap year has not been particularly popular in the United States, though it’s long been a rite of passage for international students. A gap year is a structured period of time in which a student takes a time- out from standard academics. Typically, teenagers will work, volunteer, or participate in a formal gap-year program. A recent survey of 280 students, by the authors of a book called The Gap Year Advantage, found that academic burn- out and a desire “to find out more about themselves” were the top reasons for taking a gap year. Some just wanted to spend time exploring an interest. Kari Semel knew she’d take a gap year well before her senior year. “I was a freshman when I decided I wanted do it,” re- calls the Cleveland-area resident. After high school graduation, she headed off to Ghana for three months, where she worked in an orphanage. Meanwhile, students like Semel aren’t the only ones in favor of the gap year. Increasingly, colleges are encour- aging the experience, in part because of research that finds gap-year students are more successful when they get to campus. For example, an ongoing study at Middlebury College shows that students who take a gap year outperform their peers academically. That’s no surprise to Marie Todd, an admissions counselor with Accepted.com. “It’s an opportunity for teenagers to gain focus on their goals, enhance their sense of identity, and renew their energy,” she says. Often, that means students head into freshman year with more maturity,

46 YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 confidence, and even purpose following fall, according to a a month to an entire year. phanage in Ghana through than most teenagers just out of study by the Higher Education These programs also come that website.” The cost to high school. Research Institute at UCLA. with the highest price tags Semel: a flight to Africa and Angela Blunt hopes that Indeed, most colleges allow (though many offer financial about $200 a month. The or- will be the case for her son, students to apply and defer en- aid). Students can also elect to phanage provided room and who spent his gap year living rollment for one year in order work full time for one semes- board. at home and working part- to take a gap year. ter to help pay for a semester- Like going to college, a gap time at the local library. He’ll That’s the approach ex- long program later in the year. year will present challeng- start college this fall. “School perts recommend—apply Some service organiza- es. That’s to be expected— was always a struggle for and defer. Otherwise, stu- tions, like City Year, subsidize and even desired, says Karin him, and he never felt suc- dents who don’t apply in ad- a gap year by providing room Peeters, a life coach and a for- cessful,” she says. “Now, he’s vance will have the challenge and board and even a small mer gap year student herself. so much more confident be- of staying on top of applica- stipend. “There’s the practical stuff like cause he’s had such a positive tions while immersed in their Planning a gap year takes finding a place to live or a job, experience. He’s also more gap year. time, so experts recommend and there are emotional chal- responsible. He’s had anoth- So where to start? A gap teenagers get going early, ide- lenges like loneliness or feel- er year to grow up.” year can mean traveling ally junior year. Start your re- ing homesick,” she says. “But Still, for many parents, the abroad, volunteering, taking search online or look for a parents should trust in the re- idea of a gap year is nerve- an internship, or just getting regional gap year fair. Your silience and resourcefulness wracking. First, there’s the a job at the mall. It can be ex- teenager’s college counselor of their child. By facing and worry that teenagers who pensive—some programs can should also be able to help. overcoming these challenges, take a break from school will run you up to $40,000—or “I started with Google,” says students develop a confidence be tempted not to return. But it can cost nothing at all. Pre- Semel. “I found out that the or- they can fall back upon for the about 90 percent of students designed gap year programs ganization Camp Counselors rest of their lives.” n who take a year off after high tend to be highly structured USA offered gap year pro- school enroll in college the and can run anywhere from grams, and I found the or-

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48 YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 TWEEN TALK

BFFs forever! Maybe not... The author of the new book The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed offers her take on tween friendships

By Jessica Lahey Photo: Beth Segal iddle school is get older, however, they begin friends move back and forth Tweens move from re- challenging for to build emotional connec- between comfortable old rela- lationship to relationship, so many rea- tions with friends based on tionships and exciting new al- adopting this detail of a Msons—academ- compatibility. Their shared liances. As any parent knows, friend’s personality, discard- ics become more difficult, interests, dreams, and goals our own personal heartache ing that characteristic of schedules fill up with activi- begin to edge out mere con- hurts, but the secondhand another, until they have col- ties, and, in what might be venience. When they become heartbreak we experience lected the essential elements the most treacherous terrain tweens, friendships become through our children is much of their identity. Some re- for kids and parents alike, much more complex, and more painful, mainly because lationships will survive this friendships change. for good reason. Tweens use it’s out of our control. The process, and some will not, The peers your tween son friendships as a way to try on urge to intervene, to save and but every one is an impor- or daughter cling to as they an identity. Old friends offer heal, is powerful, and while tant phase of the journey. We enter the middle school build- sameness and comfort, but meddling around in tween so- may not love every outfit our ing for the first time may look the pull of novel ideas of oth- cial machinations may make tweens try on, but it’s our job a lot different from the ones er kids begins to lure them in us feel better, we must stay to be there when they emerge they race out with on the other new directions. Tweens begin out of it. from the dressing room, side, and that’s to be expected. to build friendships based on Our children’s middle when they do a little twirl and Friendships change over time, these new priorities. While school friendships are not wait for us to tell them how not just because our children some priorities, such as social about us any more than their grown up they have become. evolve, but because the very status or fashion choices, may choice of what to wear to the nature of friendship evolves not make much sense to par- middle school dance is about Jessica Lahey is a frequent with them. ents, they are just as impor- us. The tween years are for contributor to The New York Times Early in childhood, our tant to our children’s growth trying on fifteen different and The Atlantic and author of The Gift of Failure: How the Best children’s friendships arise as shared history or values. outfits—the blue shirt with Parents Learn to Let Go So Their out of proximity and hab- All too often, the shifting the tan pants, the red skirt Children Can Succeed. it. We toss our kids into the sands of tween friendship re- with the white top—to see sandbox with our friends’ sult in broken hearts. Tweens what works best for a chang- kids, and this arrangement feel dumped, shunned, aban- ing body, mind, and spirit on works for everyone. As kids doned, and betrayed as a given day.

YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 49 HOT TOPICS

The Pollan Family Table What better way to preserve a family’s beloved recipes than to write them down? And then why not publish those recipes for the rest of us to enjoy. That’s just what sisters Tracy, Dana, and Lori Pollan did—together with mother, Corky—in The Pollan Family Table.

50 YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 One family. Many food do fun things, too, like serve would just disappear out when we would barely even writers, including your breakfast for dinner. of our minds. We thought, get to talk to them. brother, Michael Pollan. How “Wouldn’t it be great to have did that happen? What else? a book with our favorite din- How do you recommend Dana: Cooking was impor- Dana: What our teenag- ner recipes.” teaching teenagers to cook? tant to our mother, Corky. I’d ers and their friends love Corky: Get them involved in say six nights a week we sat is pasta. There’s a recipe in Dana: We really wanted to the planning. If you’re mak- down for a family meal that the book called “Creamy keep in mind that as a busy ing plans for the week say, she prepared. She was a very Spinach Pasta Alfredo.” One parent, you don’t have a ton “What should I make to- creative cook and had such reason they love it is that of time in the kitchen. So we morrow night?” You can also an appreciation for good there is a little bit of cream in were interested in using rec- get your kids started in do- food that I think eventual- there, but it’s not a lot. It’s a ipes that take an hour or less ing some of the preparation ly it rubbed off on all of us. light Alfredo sauce. and that use ingredients you for a meal. They can make Corky was also working long can buy at the grocery store. a salad or peel something hours, and she would often Tracy: It’s an all-in-one Simple and straightforward or start the water for pasta. call us and say, “Can you put dish and all you need is a recipes that anyone can fol- Everyone can also have their water on the stove? I’m go- salad to go with it. We also low, whether you’re starting own specialty. ing to make pasta.” Or, “Can have an “Orecchiette with out or an experienced cook. you start dinner for me?” Broccoli and Sun Dried Lori: We teach teenagers how That was great because it Tomatoes” (available at What’s been the value of to drive, how to open a bank got us all in the kitchen at an bit.ly/YTpollan-recipe). We family dinner for you? account, and how to register early age. love combining our vegeta- Tracy: The kids are so busy to vote, but people don’t of- bles with our pasta. It makes and pulled in so many di- ten realize that you also need We’d love some tips for cooking so much easier. rections, so this is a time we to teach them to cook. They getting dinner on the table get to be together as a fam- love it. They feel very accom- quickly. How do you prevent your ily. You hear their stories. plished and very much like Lori: The planning part is so teens from ruining their You hear about their friends. they are in control of their key, especially today. If you dinner with snacks? If we didn’t sit down for din- lives. n can plot out two to four days Lori: I try to have some cut ner, there would be times of the week and buy those up vegetables, like carrots items over the weekend, it’s and red peppers, or fruit much easier. It’s also great to when they walk in the door. have a couple of go-to reci- Or hummus and you can pes, which you feel comfort- crisp up pita bread (spray a able making. Try to have the little olive oil and salt on it ingredients for those in the and crisp it up in the oven). house. If I have something like that , they might hold off on eating What do teenagers like to the junk on the way home. eat? They do get the message: Corky: Soup. And there is Don’t fill up on the junk be- nothing wrong with having cause something good is soup for dinner with a salad waiting for you. and a great bread on the side. Often people don’t think of Tell us about The Pollan that, but a vegetable-load- Family Table. ed soup is so healthy. You Lori: It started because my can make that in quantities sisters and I would often and have that for a couple of ask, “What are you mak- meals. You can always dou- ing for dinner tonight?” Or ble a recipe to make it last for we’d call each other and say, more than one meal. Teens “Oh, I made this great din- love chicken dishes, chili, ner.” But often we’d forget roasted vegetables. You can all the things we’d made. It

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How Do You Help Teens Get Enough Sleep?

Start when they’re tweens By Lisa Damour

Photo: Beth Segal

ere’s the bad news: teenag- ergy she needs to get through her de- get nine hours for sleep.” ers need nine hours of sleep manding days. The tween years are also prime time a night, but almost half get How do you get there? Start by mak- for establishing good sleep hygiene hab- Hfewer than seven. Here’s ing the ten hours of sleep needed by its. Psychologists use this off-putting the better news: parents can help their tweens non-negotiable. When your term to refer to the routines that sup- teenagers get enough sleep (most of fifth grader asks if he can try out for the port sleep. For example, we know that the time), but it means putting rules in science Olympiad, stay on the hockey it’s best to go to bed and wake up at con- place during the tween years. team, and join a youth group, consid- sistent hours in a bedroom that is cool, Sleep is a powerful glue that holds er saying, “Here’s the deal: Until you’re dark, and quiet. And what’s the num- each and every one of us together, and thirteen, I get 10 ½ hours of your day. ber one threat to good sleep hygiene well-rested teens and tweens think Ten of those hours are for sleep and the for teenagers? You guessed it: digital smarter, learn faster, and remember half hour is for dinner and chores. That devices. The light they emit suppresses more than their drowsy classmates. leaves you with 13 ½ hours. You can take key sleep hormones, and, when used in Sleep also lowers stress, boosts mood, on new activities if you can finish your the bedroom, technology disrupts the improves communication skills, en- homework and get to bed on time. If you critical connection our bodies make be- hances health, and reduces injuries can’t, we’ll reconsider your extracurric- tween being in bed and falling asleep. and accidents. And, of course, getting ulars.” Feel free to add, “When you’re 13, When your sixth grader lobbies for a enough sleep will give your teen the en- you get one more waking hour, but I still phone of her own, use her burning need

YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 53 SMALL STUFF

to text with her friends to lay down rules that will support her sleep: all technol- If your teen didn’t get good sleep habits ogy stays out of her bed (better yet, her bedroom), shuts down an hour before in place before adolescence and is bedtime, and charges where it won’t bother her at night. If she balks at these suffering now, it’s not too late to help rules, let her know that you’re holding yourself to the same standards; they are her make changes. as necessary for adults as they are for tweens and teens. Work to get good habits in place while you still have a tween, because to make it to school on time. homework loads, getting the recom- the sleep deck is stacked against If your teen didn’t get good sleep mended nine hours of sleep is an up- teenagers. A biological phenomenon habits in place before adolescence and hill battle for most teenagers. What’s known as sleep phase delay causes is suffering now, it’s not too late to help the best way to win an uphill battle? Get adolescents to want to stay up longer her make changes. Teenagers, espe - the best possible habits in place before and sleep in later. And, in a diabolical cially tired ones, can be open to guid - it even begins. twist, the school start times in most ance on how to adjust their habits to communities run against kids’ natural improve sleep. Don’t take a judgmental Lisa Damour is a psychologist and the director sleep patterns. Most kindergarteners tone when offering your advice (noth- of Laurel School’s Center for Research on Girls. get sleepy early and are up hours being turns teens off faster), just focus on Her forthcoming book, Untangled: Guiding fore the school day begins, while most the biological facts about sleep that ap- Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood, will be published by Ballantine teenagers can burn the midnight oil ply to everyone. Books, a division of Random House, in but have to drag themselves out of bed With their busy schedules and heavy February 2016.

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56 YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 SNAPSHOT

Letter to My Daughter By Jeanette Durante

love you. You are perfect.” Being the mother of a teenage daughter, I say these words all the time. They are a clumsily expressed sentiment intended “Ito tell her that I love her exactly how she is, that I do not see flaws, that in my eyes, she is a da Vinci, a Mozart...quite simply, a masterpiece. But recently I wit - nessed her in a moment of genuine self-loathing and re- alized that my expression of love had become a burden. She came to me in tears, and said, “I’m not who you think I am. You think I’m perfect, but I’m not. You don’t know the things in my head or the things I sometimes do.” Of course I was alarmed—what monstrous things was she doing?—but it turned out the “things in her head” were simple moments of pettiness that we are all guilty of. The “things she sometimes does” were minor interactions with other children when she was probably not her best version of herself. But in her mind, these moments of humanity had become bigger than they were. What really worried me though was that she thought my love was contingent on her perfection. That she had to be perfect to be perfect to me. So this is my letter, to all daughters:

I love you. You are not perfect. over something responsible. gracefully. You will listen. You will love your child in a way You will fall for the wrong guy. will take the blame for some- that leaves you breathless. You will hurt people. You You will break the heart of a one who needs you to. You You will love me—your moth- will make mistakes. You will good guy. You will resent your will weep tears for a stranger—even when I behave badly make them again. You will own child. You will hate me, er. You will fight an injustice. because I too, am not perfect. hurt someone you love bad- your mother, when I am just You will choose to be respon- ly. You will walk past a per- trying to help you. sible when the choice is not Your life will be full of mo- son in need and pretend you easy. You will tell someone ments of imperfection; mo- didn’t see them. You will ne- But … that everything is going to be ments of humanity. Moments glect loved ones. You will re- okay when you know it isn’t, where you do not do the right fuse to say sorry even though You will help a stranger. You and hold them when it’s not. thing, say the right thing, you are in the wrong. You will will make someone belly You will catch someone when think the right thing. But you say something spiteful. You laugh right at a time when they fall. You will pretend you will bring joy to those around will neglect a pet. You will be they really need it. You will did not see them stumble. you in much more abundance rude to someone serving you. help a friend heal from the You will make heartbreaking than you will bring them hurt. You will lie. You will lose your ache of a broken heart. You choices for pets. You will hold Because perfection and temper with those who do not will smile at a stranger whose them as they die. You will say imperfection are melded deserve it. You will fail. You life is in tatters. You will offer sorry even when you were not together to make you just ex- will fail badly. You will place your seat to someone who wrong. You will let someone actly what you are supposed blame on someone else for looks weary. You will hold the you love go free. You will ac- to be: perfectly imperfect. something you did. You will hand of a small child who is cept them back when they are Love, Mom choose to do something fun lost. You will win. You will win ready. You will forgive. You

Jeanette Durante is a slightly bewildered, frequently amused and always terrified mother of a teenage daughter.Her second (and paid!) job is as a social researcher.

YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 57 ALL ABOUT ME

Must it always be about them? All About Me is a chance to talk about something other than your teen—finally.

Farewell, Old Friend By Stephanie Schaeffer Silverman

Someone we loved, who loved all of us Why didn’t you come last night? I into her room. Next I heard the bath- right back, was taken away in the mid- couldn’t get there because the weather room door open and her feet shuffling dle of the night. We didn’t see her of- was cold and my wings don’t do well in along the hallway to her room. This ten, but she played an important role that weather. time I wished the answer to the “Can in the family. you fly?” question was a hearty yes. How old are you? I’m somewhere be- Last week we said goodbye to the Tooth tween Dumbledore and Yoda. They collided at the bedroom door, Fairy after a good 11-year run. destined to come face to face, child- Where do you get all of the money? The hood on one side of the door, adulthood It was bound to happen, but it didn’t money I give is minted by other fairies on the other. play out at all in the way I had expect- at a special factory. ed. I thought one of our two sons who And then I heard them BOTH start LOVE to razz their little sister would be What do you do in your free time?In to laugh—that big, belly laughter that the spoiler. I didn’t anticipate that the my free time I like to read, fly among completely makes my heart swell. spoiler would be my husband. the stars, and dream. I have quite an What a moment. imagination (duh) and imagination The questions had been building for can take you anywhere. A few minutes later she appeared in my some time as our daughter matured. room. “Wait a minute—so DAD wrote Our 12- year-old had been leaving notes Over the years, the questions got lon- ALL of those notes back to me?” She for the Tooth Fairy for years. What do ger, more specific and then, the dagger was incredulous as she processed this you look like? How many teeth do you to my heart: piece of the story. collect each night? What do you DO with all of the teeth? What do you do Are you REALLY the Tooth Fairy, or is it “Yep—every one of them.” I watched in your free time? What color are your just everyone’s moms and dads? OUCH. that settle in. wings? Can you fly? Do you have a best The end was clearly in sight. Sniff. friend? And, my favorite line, when “So no more money for me?” we forgot to “visit”: Why couldn’t you But she continued to believe (“You have come yesterday? (The Tooth Fairy had to believe to receive” was the mantra), “Nope.” to refrain from saying: Because I was and we continued to let her. Until last coaching five baseball games and fell week. “Well, that stinks. Why did you tell asleep on the couch, again). And the me?” Hair flip, and saunter out of the ever-favorite last line of each note: **SPOILER ALERT** room. “Please enjoy my teeth.” Yuck. Once again, Tooth Fairy forgot to visit And like that, she went from girl to And, with each handwritten note, the to collect the newly pulled teeth. But pre-teen. Tooth Fairy responded with a typed there was a chance to rectify the situ- note, answering all questions posed by ation. With my daughter in the bath- I wonder if I can get money for pulling this very curious girl: room early the next morning, Tooth my hair out these next few years... n= Fairy seized the moment and snuck

58 YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015

THE LAST WORD

Did you know Check it out at thanklist.com. gratitude is good Because gratitude is contagious. Thank you, Mom for your teenager? for always believing in me and teaching me the true meaning of love. — Fred Goodall

Thank you, Adam Anshan, for teaching me the importance of brotherhood. You taught me how to look out for my best It’s true. Studies show that grateful teenagers are more likely to be happy, have more friends, and get better grades. friends. But how to cultivate more gratitude? As most parents — Zach Silverman know, simply telling teenagers to “Be grateful!” doesn’t work so well (cue the eye roll here). Thank you, Callie Instead, experts recommend parents encourage teenagers to express gratitude in ways they’re comfortable Taylor for making with. sure that the youth That’s why we love ThankList by American Greetings. of Cleveland do not ThankList gives teenagers—and the rest of us—a way to say thank you . . . to teachers, friends, family, whomever we’re become another feeling grateful for. statistic. And it sends that message using the medium that — Tiara Jea'nae teenagers love most ... social media. So, we wondered: would teenagers actually enjoy using ThankList. We asked a few: Thank you, Julia for being you “It’s so simple to use,” says Katie Coyle, who’ll every day, and be a senior in high school this year. “There are three easy steps: write a message, upload an always being there optional photo, and publish! Anyone can do for me no matter it and the reward is huge. My friend, Jenny, what. I value our won't stop talking about the one I sent her.” friendship so much. “I really like that I can use ThankList on my — Brooke Siegler phone,” adds newly-minted high school graduate Zach Silverman. “I sent one to my mom and I could tell it made her day.”

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60 YOUR TEEN | JULY-AUGUST 2015 Who are you grateful for?

Who’s on your ThankList? A list of people you want to thank for shaping you as a person.

Visit thanklist.com to create a beautiful, personalized ThankList video. Then tag friends to pass the positivity forward. Bellefaire JCB Non-Profit Org 22001 Fairmount Blvd. US Postage Shaker Heights, Ohio 44118 PAID Cleveland, OH Permit No. 355