MIAMI UNIVERSITY the Graduate School Certificate for Approving The

Home , Not Pretty Enough

MIAMI UNIVERSITY The Graduate School

Certificate for Approving the Dissertation

We hereby approve the Dissertation

Kent Alan Beausoleil, S.J.

Candidate for the Degree:

Doctor of Philosophy

Director Judy L. Rogers

Reader Elisa Abes

Reader Kathleen Goodman

Graduate School Representative M. Elise Radina

ABSTRACT

TRANSFORMING LIVES: ATTENDING TO THE SPIRIT OF COLLEGE STUDENTS FROM DYSFUNCTIONAL AND/OR ABUSIVE YOUNG ADULT FORMATIONAL EXPERIENCES

by Kent Alan Beausoleil, S.J.

Despite the prevalence of college students who have been a victim of abuse and/or complex dysfunctional experiences, higher education typically ignores the spiritual life of its students in regards to treating the effects of abuse and/or dysfunction. This study examines efforts at four Jesuit universities to offer spiritual programs that attend to the spirit of this particular group of students. The purpose of this phenomenologically grounded research is to understand the nature of the relationship between the practice of Ignatian (Catholic/Christian) spiritual direction and growth toward spiritual intelligence of college-age students and recent college graduates. Participants in this study came from physically, sexually, and/or emotionally abusive homes, dysfunctional childhood experiences, or challenging young adult formational experiences. Each participant was also engaged in Ignatian spiritual direction and Ignatian spiritual programming at the Jesuit universities they attended.

This study examined the life stories of sixteen upper class college students and/or recent college graduates. Each participant was interviewed twice in an open conversational style for a total of thirty-two interviews. The aim of the research was to develop a richer understanding of the impact of Ignatian spiritual direction in light of the effects of their formational experiences. The research questioned whether or not engaging in this particular type of spiritual programming made a significant, positive impact in participants’ spiritual development and growth toward spiritual intelligence.

The findings of this research revealed that Ignatian spiritual direction did indeed lead to developmental growth toward spiritual intelligence for participants along sixteen key spiritual intelligence indicators. Participants experienced these spiritual indicators as a progressive movement that fostered interpersonal healing and wholeness, healthier ways of being and relating to others, and a more positive outlook toward their future as spiritual leaders. This research further demonstrated that attending to college students’ spirit is an important part of their overall holistic development and spiritual intelligence growth.

TRANSFORMING LIVES: ATTENDING TO THE SPIRIT OF COLLEGE STUDENTS FROM DYSFUNCTIONAL AND/OR ABUSIVE YOUNG ADULT FORMATIONAL EXPERIENCES

A Dissertation

Submitted to the Faculty of

Miami University in partial

fulfillment of the requirements

for the degree of

Doctor of Philosophy

Department of Educational Leadership

Kent Alan Beausoleil, S.J.

Miami University

Oxford, Ohio

2014

Dissertation Director: Dr. Judy L. Rogers Dissertation Readers: Dr. Elisa Abes, Dr. Kathleen Goodman, and Dr. Elise Radina

2014

Kent Alan Beausoleil, S. J.

Table of Contents ABSTRACT ...... I

TABLE OF CONTENTS ...... III

LIST OF TABLES ...... IX

DEDICATION ...... X

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS ...... XI

CHAPTER I: INTRODUCTION ...... 1

HIGHER EDUCATION AND THE MOVEMENT TO HOLISTIC STUDENT LEARNING AND

DEVELOPMENT...... 1

THE SPIRITUAL DIMENSION OF COLLEGE STUDENT LEARNING AND GROWTH...... 2 Defining Spirituality – Creating a Working Definition for Research ...... 4 General Definition and Purpose of Spiritual Direction...... 6

THE REALITY OF CHILDHOOD ABUSE AND ITS EFFECTS ...... 7

MY JOURNEY TOWARD THE DEVELOPMENT OF A RESEARCH PURPOSE AND QUESTION ...... 8

CHAPTER II: LITERATURE REVIEW ...... 12

SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT AND SPIRITUAL INTELLIGENCE THEORY ...... 12

SIX BENEFITS OF SPIRITUALITY FOR COLLEGE STUDENTS ...... 16 Identity Formation ...... 17 Communal Connection and Community Building ...... 17 Coping ...... 17 Equanimity ...... 18 Leadership ...... 18 Well-Being ...... 19

CHRISTIAN SPIRITUAL DIRECTION (CSD) ...... 20 The Transformative Nature of Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) ...... 22

CHILDHOOD AND YOUNG ADULT ABUSE IN THE UNITED STATES: PERVASIVENESS,

POSSIBILITIES, AND PROBLEMS ...... 25 Pervasiveness ...... 26 Personal and Developmental Harm ...... 27

iii

College Campus and Community Concerns ...... 27

A JUSTIFICATION FOR RESEARCH AND A RESTATEMENT OF THE RESEARCH QUESTION ...... 29

CHAPTER III: THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK, METHODOLOGY, AND METHODS...... 31

METHODOLOGY ...... 32

METHODS – SAMPLING ...... 33 Selected Institutions ...... 33 The Interview Location(s) ...... 34 The Recruitment Process ...... 34 Setback to the Recruitment Process ...... 35 Second Site Visits ...... 36

METHODS – AFFECTIVITY, SUBJECTIVE BIAS, AND BRACKETING ...... 38 Personal Experience with Abuse ...... 39 Spiritual Director versus Researcher Role-Switching ...... 39 Insecurities of a Novice Researcher ...... 40

METHODS – DATA COLLECTION ...... 40

ETHICAL ISSUES ...... 42

TRUSTWORTHINESS/RAPPORT ...... 44

METHODS -- DATA ANALYSIS ...... 46

CHAPTER IV: PRESENTATION OF PARTICIPANTS’ LIFE STORIES ...... 50

MATTHEW ...... 50 Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 50 Structural Description of the Effects of Abuse ...... 51 Textural Description of Spiritual Direction ...... 51 Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction ...... 52

RUTH ...... 53 Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 53 Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 55 Textural Description of Spiritual Direction ...... 57 Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction ...... 58

DEBORAH ...... 60

Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 60 Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 62 Textural Description of Spiritual Direction ...... 63 Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction ...... 64

SARAH ...... 68 Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 68 Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 70 Textural Description of Spiritual Direction ...... 71 Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction ...... 72

MARY ...... 74 Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 74 Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 76 Textural Description of Spiritual Direction ...... 77 Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction ...... 77

EVE ...... 79 Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 79 Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 80 Textural Description of Spiritual Direction ...... 81 Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction ...... 84

MIRIAM ...... 87 Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 87 Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 88 Textural Description of Spiritual Direction ...... 90 Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction ...... 90

ANNE ...... 92 Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 92 Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 93 Textural Description of Spiritual Direction ...... 96 Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction ...... 97

JUDITH ...... 100 Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 100

Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 101 Textural Description of Spiritual Direction ...... 103 Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction ...... 103

REBEKAH ...... 110 Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 110 Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 113 Textural Description of Spiritual Direction ...... 115 Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction ...... 117

MARK ...... 121 Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 121 Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 122 Textural Description of Spiritual Direction ...... 125 Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction ...... 127

PAUL ...... 129 Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 129 Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 130 Textural Description of Spiritual Direction ...... 131 Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction ...... 134

PRISCILLA ...... 137 Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 137 Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 139 Textural Description of Spiritual Direction ...... 140 Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction ...... 142

ELIZABETH ...... 145 Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 145 Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 148 Textural Description of Spiritual Direction ...... 150 Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction ...... 151

JOHN ...... 154 Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 154 Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 157

Textural Description of Spiritual Direction ...... 158 Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction ...... 159

JAMES ...... 170 Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 170 Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse ...... 172 Textural Description of Spiritual Direction ...... 175 Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction ...... 175

CONCLUSION ...... 180

CHAPTER V: ANALYSIS OF THE DATA -- THE INVARIANT ESSENCES: ...... 182

THE PERSONAL EFFECTS OF IGNATIAN SPIRITUAL DIRECTION (ISD) FOR PARTICIPANTS ...... 182 Healing ...... 183 Personal Transformation ...... 185 Sacredness toward Self ...... 187 Growth in Self-Knowledge/Identity ...... 189 Growth in Self-Confidence/Identity ...... 190 Connection/Integration ...... 193 Use of, and Comfort with, Spiritual Resources ...... 195 Trust ...... 197 Coping ...... 199 Balanced/Centered ...... 200

THE EFFECTS OF IGNATIAN SPIRITUAL DIRECTION (ISD) ON PARTICIPANTS’ RELATIONSHIPS

WITH OTHERS ...... 201 Transcendence...... 201 Sacredness in Others ...... 204 Sacredness in the World...... 206 Growth in the Virtuous Life ...... 209

THE EFFECTS OF IGNATIAN SPIRITUAL DIRECTION (ISD) FOR PARTICIPANTS’ MEANING MAKING

AND FUTURE DIRECTION ...... 211 Discernment of Major Life Choices/Direction ...... 211 Spiritual Leadership ...... 213 Discernment of Vocations...... 215 vii

Flourishing/Striving ...... 218

CHAPTER VI: CONCLUSION: DISCUSSION, RESEARCH LIMITATIONS, IMPLICATIONS, AND FUTURE RESEARCH POSSIBILITIES ...... 221

DISCUSSION ...... 221 Healing ...... 226 Personal Transformation ...... 227 Sacredness toward Self, Others, and in The World ...... 227 Growth in Self-Knowledge/Self-Confidence ...... 228 Connection/Integration ...... 228 Spiritual Resources ...... 229 Trust ...... 229 Growth in the Virtuous Life ...... 230 Discernment of Major Life Choices/Vocations ...... 230 Spiritual Leadership ...... 231 Flourishing/Striving ...... 231

AN ONGOING PROGRESSION OF SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT ...... 232

RESEARCH LIMITATIONS ...... 233

IMPLICATIONS AND FUTURE RESEARCH POSSIBILITIES ...... 234

CLOSING THOUGHTS ...... 236

REFERENCES ...... 238

viii

LIST OF TABLES

Participants: Pseudonym, Age, Gender, Ethnicity and University by Order of Interview ...... 38 Wigglesworth’s Indicators of Spiritual Intelligence ...... 225 Scholarly Support of Participant's Invariant Essences ...... 226

DEDICATION

To students everywhere – for their spirit -- and for the spirit of all those who mentor them.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I am grateful for the faculty, staff, and doctoral cohort at Miami University for their intellectual, emotional, professional, and spiritual support over the course of my graduate work and doctoral candidacy. I wish to thank Heather Shook Christman for her moral support and for being a dissertation writing companion during this time.

I am extremely thankful for the love, support and prayers from family and friends who have walked this doctoral journey with me. This thank-you extends to the people of Bellarmine Parish in Cincinnati where I was Associate Pastor for seven years and who are family to me.

I appreciate and give thanks for the support of the Society of Jesus and of the encouragement, prayers, and assistance I received from the Xavier and Marquette Jesuit Communities I have lived in since starting the Student Affairs in Higher Education doctoral program at Miami University.

I am extremely grateful for the three proofreaders, Reverend James McCann, SJ, Kathy Kohl and Liz Keuffer, whose examination and revision of this dissertation was of great help.

I would especially like to thank and acknowledge my comprehensive exam and dissertation committees for their mentorship, support, guidance, and patience. I was blessed to have during the course of studies excellent scholars and learning partners that made student affair and student development come to life. I especially would like to thank Elisa Abes, Kathy Goodman, Marcia Baxter-Magolda, Judy Rogers, and Elise Radina, (faculty member of the Department of Family Studies and Social Work), for their guidance and encouragement during this dissertation process. I am particularly grateful for them as they helped refine, affirm, critique, and support this dissertation. I thank them for their wisdom, time, and generosity during this learning endeavor.

I am extremely grateful for the tireless and very constructive support of my dissertation advisor, Judy Rogers, whose spirit of belief in this work, her peer mentorship, and her spiritual, professional, and intellectual insights gave me the courage to continue. I would not have been able to do this project without her expertise in spirituality in higher education, her ability to help me refocus and reframe this dissertation during our regular check-ins, and for keeping me on schedule ensuring that this dissertation was the best work I could do. Judy, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

CHAPTER I: INTRODUCTION

Cardinal Newman (1846), a Catholic theologian and pastoral leader, while reflecting on his many years of spiritually directing others’ life experiences, their hopes, dreams, and deeper meaning of life questions, discovered that, “in a higher world it is otherwise, but here below to live is to change, and to be perfect is to have changed often” (p. 39). Attending to peoples’ spirit as a spiritual director, Newman guided people through moments of transformation. He reflectively understood that in the complexity of life lived ‘here below’ that humankind’s capacity to thrive was dependent upon people’s ability to grow and change. He was also deeply aware that people need spiritual companions, spiritual directors, to guide their spiritual journey. Transforming lives is at the heart of spiritual direction as it is of education. This research examines the effects of spiritual direction on the life of college students who came from abusive and/or dysfunctional young adult formational experiences. Higher Education and the Movement to Holistic Student Learning and Development “The purpose of education is . . . to maximize the potential of each person to live a full and constructive life” (Cross, 2000, p. 61). The historical provision of education in the United States, from primary through tertiary education, has been about helping students to grow, change learn, and transform. College students change as they grow in knowledge and wisdom, through the classes that they attend, and the course work in which they major. In order to achieve this end, educators discover transforming ways to enhance teaching effectiveness (Hutchings & Shulman, 1999; Shulman, 1999). Higher education institutions change as well when they create new ways and new spaces for students to grow in knowledge and wisdom through the pedagogical process. A brief survey of some contemporary methods involving institutional change in education provision promotes adapting organizational culture to meet students’ needs (Manning, Kinzie, & Schuh, 2006), the application of diverse learning partnership models (Baxter Magolda & King, 2004), adding student service learning opportunities (Einfeld & Collins, 2008), or increasing participation in student/professional mentorship programs (Crisp & Cruz, 2009). These recent innovations in higher education provisions have shifted perceptions that colleges are solely degree-conferral institutions where professors lecture students on the core content of a particular subject area. Rather there is a growing understanding that universities are places where student learning occurs across multiple dimensions (Barr & Tagg, 2000). Instead

of learning about moral theory in the classroom, for example, universities and educational scholars began to see the potential in creating environments where students learn to be moral beings. In fact, in preparing college students for life after college, universities and educators have embraced diverse possibilities for learning that they hope will help students to better handle life’s complexities. In scholarly theory and professional practice since the late 1930s to the mid-1950s in the United States (American College Personnel Association, 1937; Lloyd-Jones & Smith, 1954), and more commonplace on college campuses since the mid-1980s, higher education professionals promoted possibilities for students’ holistic learning across multiple dimensions. A great body of work argues for holistic student development by examining how students integrate learning across multiple dimensions of their complex life experiences (Baxter Magolda, 2001; Kegan, 1994; Strange, 1994). As part of students’ overall learning integration, diverse focus areas examine how learning around the cognitive (Baxter Magolda, 1999; Perry, 1981; Piaget, 1954), intrapersonal and interpersonal (Baxter Magolda, Abes, & Torres, 2009) and moral dimensions of life (Gilligan & Attanucci, 1988; King & Mayhew, 2002; Kohlberg, 1984) might aid students’ overall growth and development. Finally, people whose mission was to facilitate student learning in higher educational institutions began to see issues such as race (Cross, Jr., Smith, & Payne, 2002; Kim, 2001; Torres, 2004), gender (Davis, 2002; Downing & Roush, 1985; Jordan, 1997), sexual orientation (Abes, 2007; Bilodeu & Renn, 2005; D’Augelli, 1991), and other dimensions of students’ identity development as integral to students’ holistic learning and growth. Therefore, educational institutions promote change when they create diverse ways of offering academic and student life programming that makes a difference in the totality of students’ lives: what they learn, who they are, and who they will become. The Spiritual Dimension of College Student Learning and Growth Spirituality, in scholarly writings since the late 1980s, is another dimension explored by some educators interested in holistic student learning and growth. However, academia has not warmly embraced spirituality as a topic of interest in public higher education discourse, possibly because of ongoing tensions surrounding separation of church and state issues. The negative perceptions that people may have surrounding organized religion further erodes student, faculty, and professional staff confidence in employing or participating in spiritual discourse and programming in public campus environments (Walters, 2001). Private Christian-centered

universities struggle as well with embracing spirituality and developing consistent ways of providing for spiritual learning and development for students (Ma, 2003). Despite these tensions, higher education scholarship shows a growing interest in spirituality as an essential component of holistic student learning and growth. Even with these inroads, some scholars argue that more needs to happen in order to assimilate spirituality into students’ campus experience and to provide more opportunities for students to engage in spiritual programming. Speaking of the need for more spiritual programming on campus rather than less, Palmer, Zajonc, and Scribner (2010) argue this point well in stating that “higher education looses upon the world too many people who are masters of external, objective reality . . . but who understand little or nothing about the inner drives of their own behavior” (p. 49). One possible advantage of employing spiritual direction as a program for college students is that it might engage their transformational potential away from some of the more problematic consequences of young adult formational experiences toward more spiritually intelligent ways of being. Emmons (1999) advocates that attending to the spiritual development of a person’s learning and growth may be a key factor in the “providing individuals with resources that are essential for living the good life” (p. 164). Spiritual intelligence integrates a person’s intellectual, social, or emotional intelligence, in fact all of life learning, with that which is sacred. The aim of growth in spiritual intelligence is to lead one to a good life. A spiritual direction relationship may offer, through the dialectical process of reflective discernment, the capacity for people to strive toward this end. As people engage in spiritual discernment, spiritual engagement, and practices such as spiritual direction, then it is possible for them to realize a greater potential for growth in spiritual intelligence. A spiritually intelligent being is able to transcend the physical and material realities of their life and embrace their own, others, and the world’s sacredness. A spiritually intelligent individual will also exemplify a greater sense of self and connection with others through reflective practices that lead to heightened states of consciousness. Further, spiritually intelligent people are able to find God, the spiritual, and the sacred woven into everyday experiences. Spiritually intelligent individuals are also able to better navigate spiritual resources to find the means to cope with life’s hardships, challenges, and complexities. Finally, spiritually intelligent people are people who are able to engage in virtuous behavior, such as, “compassion, forgiveness, humility, gratefulness, and wisdom” (p. 166). A concerned intent with developing

the whole student, including their spiritual dimension during college, may then provide further learning and growth through programs such as spiritual direction so that the student may learn and grow in spiritually intelligent ways. The purpose of this study therefore is to understand the nature of the relationship between the practice of Christian spiritual direction (CSD) and growth in spiritual intelligence (SI) (Emmons, 1999) for college-age students from physically, sexually, and/or emotionally abusive homes, dysfunctional childhood experiences, or challenging young adult formational experiences. Defining Spirituality – Creating a Working Definition for Research Most scholarly writings, from secular academics to Christian theologians, establish working definitions for spirituality that are not dissimilar. A brief survey of spirituality definitions within the higher education and psychology disciplines reveals definitions that distance the topic enough from religious connections but retain meanings that would still be familiar to those with religious sensibilities. Daloz Parks (2000) for example, defines spirituality as “the animating essence at the core of life” (p. 17). Astin, Astin, and Lindholm (2011) speak of spirituality as “the reflecting, discerning capacity of the inner subjective life that helps people to understand the meaning of their life and out of which people find connection with one another and the world around them” (p. 68). Palmer, et al., (2010) write that spirituality is “the eternal human yearning to be connected with something larger than one’s own ego” (p. 48). Emmons (1999), writing from the psychological discipline, views spirituality as both a personal as well as a communal striving for ultimate concerns, for the sacred in life, for holiness, and for wholeness (pp. 92-94). Christian theological scholarship, although it may define spirituality with religious undertones, consists of thematic understandings comparable to those found in higher education scholarship. Bellisb (2000) speaks of spirituality as “energy . . . life force . . . and heart (not in the modern sense as the seat of love, but in the ancient meaning of the center of personality, including intelligence and the will)” (p. 1248). Schneiders (2005), a prominent Christian theologian, defines spirituality as a “deliberate way of living [that is] an ongoing project orienting the subject beyond . . . private satisfaction toward the ultimate good. [This] may be God but might be . . . other than God . . . the full personhood of all humans, world peace, enlightenment, or the good of the cosmos” (pp. 16-17). She concludes that, “the ultimate value [of spirituality] functions as a horizon luring the person toward growth” (p. 17). Traub (2008), a

member of the Catholic religious order The Society of Jesus (The Jesuits), defines spirituality as two interrelated movements. He views spirituality as “the orientation of our minds and hearts toward ever more than we have reached (the never-satisfied mind and the never-satisfied heart)” (p. 266). In moving a person toward that ‘ever more,’ spirituality is also “a set of attitudes and practices (spiritual exercises) that are designed to foster a greater consciousness of this dimension” (pp. 266-267). From these definitions, spirituality involves three things: a human condition, a process, and an end or goal. Spirituality, articulated in these definitions, categorizes the human condition as a(n): animating essence (Daloz Parks, 2000), yearning (Palmer, et al., 2010), striving (Emmons, 1999), energy, life-force, heart (Bellisb, 2000), and lived experience (Schneiders, 2005). These definitions refer to spirituality as also a process born from the human condition in that spirituality consists of a reflecting, discerning capacity (Astin, et al., 2011), a conscious, deliberate way of living (Schneiders, 2005) and a set of attitudes and practices (exercises) (Traub, 2008). Spirituality, based on these definitions, works toward some end that transforms individuals toward greater self-consciousness (Traub, 2008), offers life meaning, (Astin, et al., 2011), brings holiness or wholeness (Emmons, 1999), and growth (Schneiders, 2005). Spirituality further transforms the individual beyond the self into the transcendent, into a being connected with something larger than one’s own ego (Palmer, et al., 2010) such as others or the world around them (Astin, et al., 2011) the ever-more (Traub, 2008), ultimate strivings (Emmons, 1999), and some greater good (Schneiders, 2005). I define spirituality for this research proposal as the animating life force that flows through one’s lived experience that with deliberate practices of reflective discernment (spiritual direction) gives life meaning, self- awareness, growth, and wholeness in that it transcends the person beyond the self to others, to the world, to their human strivings, and to some greater good. Spirituality is reflective as it encourages a person to examine all of their life experiences. Spirituality is discerning in that a person with a highly developed spiritual dimension or intelligence becomes adept at discriminating between those various life experiences that contribute to one’s sense of overall well-being and those life experiences that do not. Spirituality becomes deliberate as people actively engage it in their lives as they strive to fulfill their full life potentialities or “personal strivings” (Emmons, 1999, p. 26). Spirituality therefore works toward some purpose, or end, that is both immanent (within the person), as well as transcendent (beyond

or greater than the person). Developing the gifts of the spiritual dimension toward learning and growth may assist college students who have suffered abuse or dysfunction by facilitating self- awareness, healing, and wholeness while affording them the possibility to transcend the reality of abuse or dysfunctional experience as it relates to their own growth, and the students’ ultimate concerns, or God. General Definition and Purpose of Spiritual Direction Spiritual direction has a rich tradition across Christian and non-Christian faiths (Vest, 2003). Christian practices of spiritual direction (CSD) offers pastoral care, spiritual and emotional healing, and spiritual development for those engaged in a spiritual direction relationship (Barry & Connolly, 2009 Barrette, 2004; Edwards, 1980; Moon & Benner; 2004; Vest, 2003). From their works on CSD, Moon and Benner (2004) and Barrette (2004), develop a four-fold understanding of CSD’s purpose: to establish care, to provide cure, to help people discern the spiritual movements in their life, and to guide them toward some greater good, connection with God, higher purpose, or fulfillment of their ultimate concerns. Moon and Benner (2004) believe that CSD has a dual purpose to offer care and cure. “Care refers to actions designed to support the well-being of something or someone. Cure refers to actions designed to restore well-being that has been lost” (p. 11). Barrette (2004) adds understanding of CSD’s purpose stating that CSD is: A relational process in which the director and the directee develop attentiveness to the actions of the Spirit . . . [through] discovering what hinders [or] promotes attentiveness and response to the Spirit’s presence. [It] helps the seeker to be attentive, open, and responsive to the Spirit’s presence and constant invitation to transformation. (p. 56) As physicians attend to a person’s physical health, the spiritual direction process attends to a person’s spiritual well-being. Out of the lived experience of life’s complexity, people encounter experiences and situations that affect their spirit. Every experience of joy, celebration, hope, and love in life finds the human spirit affected. Every experience of loss, suffering, pain, and despair finds in these moments the human spirit affected as well. The relationship between the director and those directed in CSD creates a reflective and discerning space where one can find healing from spirit-harming experiences and affirm spirit-giving movements. CSD aids, through this reflective discerning process the capacity to examine where God works through those life experiences and how that awareness offers growth toward greater spiritual intelligence (SI). The

CSD relationship may be of particular benefit then for college students who experienced childhood abuse or dysfunctional young adult formational experiences. The Reality of Childhood Abuse and its Effects Certain studies (Kitano & Lewis, 2005; Pizzolato, 2004) explore how children from adverse or harmful upbringings, experiences such as, racial injustice, class structure inequities, or formational experiences of abuse or dysfunction may find developmental benefits through surviving from these experiences. These studies argue that in facing these adversities these children may develop strong identity formation, inner resilience, and the capacity to cope. However, research and statistical data on childhood abuse in the United States (US) reveal that childhood abuse is an unfortunate, pervasive reality (US Department of Health and Human Services (HHS), 2010). Despite those studies that posit potential developmental benefits of growing up with adversity, numerous studies reviewed (Adams, Bezner, Drabbs, Zambrano, & Steinhardt, 2000; Barry, 2001; Ganje-Fling &McCarthy, 1996; Sperry, 2003, Weber & Cummings, 2003) reveal a contrasting picture where childhood and young adult formational experiences of abuse and dysfunction leads to the development of destructive capacities for college students. These destructive capacities may then adversely affect the college campus and the larger community as these students who experienced childhood abuse graduate with unresolved issues stemming from their abuse experience as children or young adults. Victims of childhood abuse, or dysfunctional young adult formational experiences, for example, may suffer from diminished learning development (Trickett & McBride-Chang, 1995), impulsivity and aggression (Brodsky, Oquendo, Elis, Haas, Malone, & Mann, 2001), depression and suicide ideation (Brodsky et al., 2001; Silverman, Reinharz, & Giaconia, 1996), mental illness (Silverman, et al., 1996), sexual acting out (Casey & Lindhorst, 2009), and propensity to violence (Lansford, Miller-Johnson, Berlin, Dodge, Bates, & Petit, 2007; Casey & Lindhorst, 2009). Further, college students abused or who experienced dysfunction in their life may negatively affect the college campus environment through incidents surrounding truancy and dropout rates (Duncan, 2000), substance abuse (Egeland, 2009; Lansford, et al., 2007), roommate and relationship violence, and vandalism (Lansford, et al., 2007). The effects of childhood abuse and dysfunctional young adult experiences ripple into the larger community as incidences of depression and suicide deprive family members and community of human potential and relationship. The larger community may find increases in criminal behavior as college

students abused as children act out in violent and sexually aggressive ways thereby perpetuating the abuse they received. Therefore, unresolved issues surrounding childhood abuse have negative ramifications in the creation and sustaining of a healthy, safe, and crime-free college campus environment. Caring for the spirit of college students who suffered abuse as children or dysfunctional young adult formational experiences, through a spiritual partnership such as spiritual direction, may allow them to discern reflectively their own lived experiences in order to grow and heal. Attending to this particular group of students’ spirits through spiritual direction may further assist them to discern who they are, what matters to them, how they can find meaning in life, their own capacity to care for self and others, and offer them the chance to strive toward the ‘ever more’ that life has to offer. The effects born of a spiritual direction relationship may therefore offer an additional and worthy educational partner in helping college students learn, develop, heal, and grow in ways that may bring about transformation. My Journey toward the Development of a Research Purpose and Question My father filled our family home with emotional abuse. This emotional abuse affected my six sisters and brothers, our mother, and me. My father, a career US Navy Lieutenant Commander, ran a ‘tight ship’ where insults, questioning of our intelligence, messages that none of us could do anything right, and claims that we would never amount to anything were common. My mother, a meek and gentle woman, was a recipient as well of these abusive messages. She found herself powerless to resist, or offer us defense, and actually sought from her children the emotional support that was lacking in her marriage. Throughout the years we have all suffered from or still suffer from a host of resulting issues: drug and alcohol dependency, depression, suicidal ideation and attempts, bulimia, body image and weight issues, obsessive compulsive disorders, and self-harm in cutting. My undergraduate college years were the commencement of a new spirit. Three transformative life experiences during this time began to counteract some of the more perplexing and harmful experiences of childhood abuse. Childhood abuse left me with a lack of belief in my own intelligence, which promoted a lack of academic striving and resulted in average grades and apathy toward learning. During my undergraduate college experience, however, two professors took interest in me as a learner, believed in me, offered me their time by personally mentoring me in order to boost my study skill proficiency. Their belief in my capacity to be a

scholar, their efforts, and their attention transformed the perception that I was ‘stupid’ into a new belief in my own intelligence. Frustrated with always feeling depressed, at odds with others, and unworthy and disconnected, I felt a ‘spirit’ moving me to enter into therapy. I began to see a therapist at the university’s health and wellness center. I remained engaged in therapy during the last two years of my undergraduate experience and continued therapy for five more years after graduation. In therapy, I found emotional and mental healing. After many years of being lukewarm toward my Catholic faith and spirituality, I rediscovered it through Catholic brothers in my residence hall who cajoled me to come and see once again the value of spirituality at the University’s Newman Center, a Catholic faith and campus ministry center located on the campus of most public universities. At the Newman center I began to meet with a spiritual director in conjunction with a therapist. In that spiritual direction relationship I embraced my own goodness, found that my life matters, and that my identity is more than how the experience of childhood abuse had defined me. Since my college years, I have always engaged in a spiritual direction relationship although I have had many different spiritual directors. Care for my own spirit matters and so attending to others’ spirit matters to me as well. Spiritual direction has helped me transcend the effects of childhood emotional abuse and find healing. It gave me a safe space to discuss the spirit of abuse so that I was able to let go of my anger toward my father and find the capacity to forgive. Further, it has helped me to grow through a reflective discernment of the spiritual movements in my life, and allowed me to believe in my worth, my dreams, my ultimate concerns, and that I can make a difference in this world. Understanding the ways the spirit works and has worked in my life has led me not only to ordained priesthood in the Society of Jesus but also led me to seek out and pursue doctoral work that values students’ spirit, holistic learning, and social justice issues. Paying attention to the spirit’s movement in my life through spiritual direction has also informed the conscious and deliberate formational choices in my priestly training. In my 15 years now as a Jesuit, I have found the spirit leading me in two connected ways. The first way is through the ministerial training in spiritual direction I have received that offered me a chance to grow in my effectiveness as a spiritual director. The second way is the movement to choose ministry opportunities that involve working with young adults and at-risk youth. I have received training in spiritual direction in five different summer-long programs concerned with spiritual direction. Through these programs, which include study, the practice of spiritual direction in the

context of a retreat, and intense supervisory feedback, I have grown in my capacity as a spiritual director. I know of the importance that spiritual direction has had in my formative years, how it has helped me heal from abuse, and to grow and develop as a person and as a minister. In knowing the value of spiritual direction in my own life I became aware of the spirit that led me to want to minister to young adults and at-risk youth. Currently, I work at Xavier University in Cincinnati, Ohio as an associate pastor, campus minister, and residence hall chaplain. Formerly, I worked as a theology teacher at Loyola Academy College Preparatory in Wilmette, Illinois. I have worked with at-risk and runaway youth as a pastoral counselor at Covenant House in New Orleans, Louisiana and led a number of youth retreats in California, Illinois, and Ohio. In each of these settings, I have offered spiritual direction to the youth who desired to establish that type of relationship with me. In these spiritual direction relationships with the youth I minister to, I have grown in the awareness of childhood abuse’s presence in their upbringing and how that abuse has affected their spirit. I also know of the healing power, transformation, growth, and discernment that had been, and still is, part of my own spiritual direction journey. I firmly believe, that for me, paying attention to the spirit’s movement in my life with a caring other has transformed and, in many ways, saved my life. In pursuing spiritual direction, and in working toward fulfilling a doctoral program in higher education, I hope to return the favor and help students navigate their complex life challenges through paying attention to their spirit. The problem of childhood abuse is its potential to bring destructive capacities for the person abused, which may then negatively affect the college campus and the larger community as these students who experienced childhood abuse graduate. The dynamics of spiritual direction may therefore offer an additional and worthy educational partner in helping college students learn, develop, heal, and grow in ways that may bring about transformation. In working with students abused as children, who faced abuse in bullying, boyfriend/girlfriend abuse as young adults, abuse from authority figures, as well as those students who did not experience abuse, I began to wonder if spiritual direction was as beneficial for them as it was for me. Out of these concerns an interest grew in wanting to understand more fully the relationship between spiritual direction and the growth in spiritual intelligence (SI) for college age students from physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive homes or who faced abusive relationships outside the immediate family and as young adults. From that research

interest, I have formulated a guiding research question for this research proposal that asks: In what ways does engagement in spiritual direction facilitate students’ growth toward spiritual intelligence for college students from physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive homes, or who have faced some form of abuse or dysfunction as young adults?

CHAPTER II: LITERATURE REVIEW

The working definition of spirituality for this research proposal claims that spirituality centers on the lived experience of the human condition. Spirituality is also a process that facilitates reflective discernment. Spirituality through this reflective discernment leads to some end or purpose for the individual, for example greater spiritual awareness, spirit healing, spiritual development, and spiritual intelligence. Further, this spiritual development helps people transcend their subjective realities to connect with things beyond their own ultimate concerns, for example others, a more just world, the promotion of the common good, or God. Research involving the topic of spirituality in higher education reveals that spirituality may be an important part of college students’ overall holistic development. Further, within higher education discourse certain works reveal that paying attention to a students’ spirit may provide meaning making benefits along six key areas: identity formation (Madden, 2001; Stewart, 2002), community building (Allen & Kellom, 2001; Barry, 2001), coping (Constantine, Wilton, Gainor, & Lewis; Graham, Furr, Flowers, & Burke, 2001), finding balance (Astin, Astin, & Lindholm, 2011), leadership (Dantley, 2003; Rogers & Dantley, 2001), and overall well-being (Adams, Bezner, Drabbs, Zambrano, & Steinhardt, 2000; Ganje-Fling & McCarthy, 1996). Engaging in a dedicated spiritual direction relationship therefore may be of benefit in helping students with their own spiritual development. Spiritual Development and Spiritual Intelligence Theory Spirituality and spiritual direction’s importance in my own personal and spiritual development led me, a doctoral candidate in higher education, to want to understand better how higher education viewed and valued spirituality. Spirituality as a topic of concern in higher education has only been written about in earnest since the early 1980s (Walters, 2001). Since that time writings concerning faith or spiritual development (Daloz Parks, 2000; Fowler 1981) and SI (Emmons, 1999) have appeared. James Fowler (1981), for example, saw that people developed spiritually just as much as they developed cognitively (Kegan, 1982) or morally (Gilligan & Attanucci, 1988; Kohlberg, 1981). Like Kegan, Kohlberg, and Gilligan and Attanucci, Fowler saw, in his examination of peoples’ faith journeys that over the course of their lives people developed through various spiritual stages. As people engage in their faith and grow spiritually, they begin to rely less and less on the simple and externally defined ways of defining

their faith to increasing complexity and internally owned spiritual understandings. In Nash’s (2001) interpretation of Fowler’s faith dimension model people begin at the ‘intuitive-projective’ (faith as parental and authoritative) stage, progress to the “mythic- literal” (faith as personal and fantasy based), pass over into the “synthetic-conventional” (faith as interpersonal), transition into the “individuative-reflective” (faith as a search for meaning and responsibility) evolve into the “conjunctive” (faith as a deepening knowledge of self and others), and, if they are ready, end up in the final stage that is “universalizing” (faith as passionate commitment to love and justice). (p. 191) Woven into Fowler’s faith developmental model are notions of growth from the inter- relational, to meaning-making, to self and other knowledge, and finally to love, responsibility, and justice. Experiences of dissonance in the spiritual life, of reaction and resistance to parents’ or organized religions’ faith formation, periods of questioning, dryness, yearning and searching, as well as reflective experiences move people to grow from stage to stage to claim a spirituality each can own. In the process of navigating along these dimensions, people discern through their moments of dissonance, and in that process grow in spiritually complex understandings while owning and valuing their faith for its own goodness. According to Fowler’s work, this complex, owned, and cherished faith will lead people then to want to love and to work for justice. Fowler creates a comprehensive exploration of the different dimensions of faith development, but does not explore adequately how specifically people may transition out of those moments of spiritual dissonance. College students facing extreme dissonance spiritual and otherwise as they move into adulthood may benefit from spiritual mentorship and guidance in order to help them make meaning of the complex developmental transitions. Daloz Parks (2000), addressing this concern in Fowler’s work, examines spiritual development specifically among college students, a group she labels as young adults. In her work she explores faith development’s capacity to address what she calls young adults’ big questions and worthy dreams. She claims that during this young adult period, ‘faithing,’ or engagement in spiritual growth, becomes especially relevant as these young adults navigate life’s greater questions – questions of identity, questions of meaning in life, questions about how they can make a difference. She claims that this period of faithing is a particularly challenging but also fecund period of time, one that these “young adults too often navigate alone” (p. 12). Daloz Parks “believes a distinctively young adult way of meaning making may be discerned in the

often murky and over-looked territory between conventional faith and critical-systemic faith. Seeing young adults clearly through this lens can awaken our attention to a crucial era in human becoming” (p. 13). She argues for an increase in spiritual mentoring by “faculty and the many others who are directly and indirectly related to young adults [that will aid] the formation of each new generation of young adults, thus shaping the future of the culture itself” (p. 13). She contends that this active mentoring has the power to guide young adults’ faith formation. It creates the spaces for them to find their place in the world. It improves how they relate, care, and belong to one another. It allows them to imagine, with greater self-awareness, the many possibilities of life and of how they can make a difference. In essence, mentoring in the faith formation of young adults aids in identity formation, community development, meaning-making, compassion and caring, and work for justice (Daloz Parks, 2000). Emmons (1999), writing on the topic of spiritual intelligence (SI), identifies spirituality as an integral part of the human experience very much concerned with humanity’s ultimate concerns. Spirituality holds sacred what is most of value for us as it offers holistic growth, meaning, and worth. “As a basic category of human experience, spirituality is revealed through ultimate concerns that center on the sacred. When people orient their lives around the attainment of spiritual ends, they tend to experience their lives as worthwhile, unified, and meaningful” (p. 104). Since holistic spirituality has meaning and value, the attainment of spiritual ends leads to a personal, developmental, and cognitive striving and this leads to SI. Recent advances in social cognitive approaches to personality make possible the location of both personal strivings and spirituality within a common framework, one that represents an alternative way of conceptualizing spirituality within personality functioning. I call this framework spiritual intelligence. (Emmons, 1999, p. 157) As spiritual development engages people toward greater SI, it helps fulfill people’s human strivings and “enables positive mental health outcomes” (Emmons, 1999, p. 105). Yet, Emmons is deeply aware that the lived experience of “trauma [can] shatter belief systems, [which] results in loss of meaning, and destroys relationships. [Mentoring] spiritual development . . . reconnects the person to others . . . and aids in the restoration of meaning” (p. 123). In life, “Spiritual intelligence (supplies) a number of abilities and competencies that are constituent of a person’s knowledge base or expertise” (p. 163). The development of peoples’ SI gives them the

capacity to “identify and organize the skills and abilities needed for the adaptive use of spirituality” (p. 163). At a minimum, spiritually intelligent individuals are characterized by (1) the capacity for transcendence, (2) the ability to enter into spiritual states of consciousness, (3) the ability to invest everyday activities, events, and relationships with the sense of the sacred or divine, (4) the ability to utilize spiritual resources to solve problems in living, and (5) the capacity to engage in virtuous behavior or to be virtuous (to show forgiveness, to express gratitude, to be humble, to display compassion). (Emmons, 1999, p. 164) Active engagement in spiritual development leads to a growth in SI. “Our task now is to understand how this intelligence can and does influence our lives, how its energy can be harnessed, and how we come to know ourselves better through spiritual reflection” (Wolman, 2001, p. 119). Growth in SI creates capacities for transcendence, or movements that bring people out of their own subjective experience to ever-greater possibility. Growth in SI may help people to connect in a deeper way with their dreams, their own and the world’s ultimate concerns, or with God. It creates a reflective discerning capacity of growing awareness into how the spirit is moving in peoples’ lives and thereby allows them to enter into greater states of spiritual, conscious understanding. Growth in SI can also lead to a revision of how people view self, others, and the world as not just a place of harm and despair but a place filled with positive encounters with others and life experiences that are sacred and filled with meaning and hope. SI development can also aid peoples’ capacity to fulfill their human potential as it exposes people to a vast array of spiritual resources to assist in their healing, growth, and resilience. Finally, growth in SI can help people to move beyond pure selfish concerns and find spaces to give thanks, to forgive others, and to come to a greater compassionate awareness of others’ suffering. Growth in SI, however, does not happen on its own. Both Daloz Parks (2000) and Emmons (1999) call for some form of a spiritual mentoring partnership to develop. A spiritual mentoring partnership, one developed with a person trained and formed in spiritual mentoring, one that offers both support and challenge in examining the spiritual life, may assist young adults as well as anyone in their spiritual growth. Hosseini, Elias, Krauss, and Aishah (2010), in a study that examined people’s SI, found that mentoring for one group, adolescents, as they try to navigate life’s complexities, such as dealing with or recovering from trauma, did provide growth toward SI.

Fowler’s work (1981), especially dense and theologically rich, is a difficult read for people not trained in matters of faith. Although he presents a persuasive argument for spiritual development and outlines his theory well his work however does not provide sufficient evidence that shows exactly how this development happens. One implicit assumption of his work is that all people spiritually develop in some capacity, which may or may not be true, and so perhaps it feels more correct to say that spiritual development happens only when one actively engages with spiritual matters and practices. Daloz Parks (2000) connects with the spiritual dimension of young adults’ lives and finds spiritual mentoring empowering young adults’ imagination and affective dimensions as this spiritual mentoring engages their spirit and leads them into fulfilling possibility in life. This sentiment of endless possibility in her work seems to display a naivety especially for those who know that growth in the spiritual life is not all peaches and cream. Her conclusion that individual spiritual mentorship of young adults is indeed a worthy pursuit has value. Yet, her call to develop spiritual mentoring communities is undeveloped as to how these communities will maintain the practical daily living out this mentoring environment. I know from living in a religious community, one that is supposed to be supportive and mentoring, of how at times we are unable or unwilling to mentor and to minister to one another. Emmons’ work (1999) on spiritual intelligence (SI) gives a focal point to the aim of spiritual development and as such offers a coherent picture of how spiritual development toward SI may be beneficial. A sense of the practical pervades Emmons’ work in that spirituality develops only when people strive to fulfill their ultimate concerns. Inherent in this notion is the assumption that spirituality is solely about fulfilling our spiritual potential and working on being better spiritual beings. So a person’s having faith in a God who loves human beings just as they are is not as important, therefore, as the human need to strive constantly toward spiritual growth. Finally, his connection to growth in SI and people’s overall well-being is fine in theory but he provides insufficient evidentiary support to assess the truth of his claim. Six Benefits of Spirituality for College Students Regardless of some weakness and criticisms found in these works on spiritual development theory and spiritual intelligence (SI), the literature demonstrates spirituality’s importance. Spirituality matters in that people do grow and develop in their spiritual life. Spirituality has real benefits then for college students’ holistic development. Educators and

those interested in college students’ affairs write that spirituality helps students to learn, grow, and develop in their SI in a wide variety of ways. I discovered, as I discerned across a vast body of scholarly works on spirituality in higher education, the revelation, that spirituality offers benefits to college students in six following ways: Identity Formation Spirituality appears to aid college students’ identity formation. Stewart (2002), in a work that focuses on the importance of spirituality among African-American college students, found spirituality as important as race, gender, and class as an identity marker. Stewart concludes that, “a certain level of spiritual maturity may be required for an individual to appreciate and integrate multiple identity facets” (p. 594). Madden’s (2001) study focused on a spiritual direction relationship through the eyes of Barry, her college-aged seminarian directee. She claims [in spiritual direction] that even though there may be an explicit dialogue between director and directee, the real dialogue that occurs is within the heart of the directee. “In spiritual direction ... if we listen again and again to this inner conversation, we become conscious of this living dialogue and a union in which a very specific identity is discovered” (p. 58). Communal Connection and Community Building Spirituality helps create and sustain community. K. Barry (2001), writing from the lens of counseling as well as Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD), holds that faith communities can be powerful places for healing, social wholeness, and connection. For people in need of healing, those who have faced trauma or abuse, he writes “personal and social wholeness is desirable . . . and the goal is to grow a collective faith community treating members both inside and outside according to principles of brotherhood and sisterhood and mutual respect” (p. 41). Allen and Kellom (2001) argue for the creation of spiritual communities on college campuses to assist with student development. “If we are to create a living community that supports spiritual practice and development, we need to shift our culture from one of a fragmented treadmill to one that encourages reflection, caring, community, and integration” (p. 51). Coping Spirituality offers students the capacity to cope and persist. According to higher education research spirituality is an important coping mechanism for college-age students and especially for students who come from abusive and/or dysfunctional backgrounds. In a mixed methods study that used coping inventories along with college student narratives, Graham, Furr,

Flowers, and Burke (2001), found that spirituality in the lives of college students does appear to help in coping with life’s stresses. “This research does support the existence of a relationship between religion and spirituality for coping with stress” (p. 46). Constantine, Wilton, Gainor, and Lewis (2002) found that higher self and communal identification with spirituality within African-American college students at a predominantly white institution (PWI) created within the students a greater resiliency to life’s stressors and capacity to cope. Equanimity Spirituality in students’ life brings balance and harmony. Astin, et al., (2011) surveyed “14,527 spirituality measured responses in a 2004 freshman survey over the course of seven years” (p. 33). They examined these responses and found that the development of a person’s spirit leads ultimately to a certain sense of balance within, which leads to a more developed capacity for equanimity toward others. “We would argue instead that peace and calm typically associated with equanimity allows the person to channel anger or frustration into positive action” and a certain sense of ‘equal vision’ where one is able to “perceive the same divine presence in all beings” (p.57). Undergraduates developmentally “show significant growth in their capacity for equanimity during the college years, and as such [this] growth has positive effects in a wide range of other college behaviors . . .” (pp. 127-128). In order to bring about this spiritual quality of equanimity and to bring positive effects on varied college behavior, they conclude college students need active spiritual mentoring. Leadership Spiritual growth and development not only aids in leadership development but also the type of leader one becomes. Dantley (2003) discusses the role that spirituality can have in forming prophetic African American leaders. Using critical race theory, Dantley claims that African Americans can use their spiritual heritage to bring about the radical reconstruction of academics. Although he focused on secondary education, his connection of spirituality to educational leadership formation is relevant to higher education. “Adding critical spirituality to the discourse makes the language of transformative educational leadership much more palatable to those who have been marginalized and disenfranchised by the mechanics of American schools” (p. 16). Growth in SI may also help one to work in transformative ways as a soul leader by working in creative ways to bring about others’, higher educational institutions’, and the world’s transformation. In focusing solely on spirituality in connection with leadership at higher

educational institutions, Rogers and Dantley (2001) claim that “soul leaders in student affairs need to attend to infrastructures that will allow the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual dimensions of faculty, administrators, staff, and students be tapped and applied to the work of the university” (p. 597). Soul leaders can greatly offer creative, active, and effective ways that utilize their personal and spiritual leadership development to transform higher education organizations into learning institutions that make a difference. Well-Being Spirituality benefits students’ overall well-being. In a quantitative work that examined student well-being, Adams, Bezner, Drabbs, Zambarano, and Steinhardt (2000) found a significant relationship between a student’s psychological and spiritual well-being and their overall well-being. They conclude, “Spiritual and psychological dimensions are related to overall wellness” (p. 165). Ganje-Fling and McCarthy (1996), stress the need not to dismiss attending to a student’s spirit as part of their overall development. “Increasingly, psychologists are examining the relationships between spiritual well-being and general psychological and physical wellness [and they conclude] there is growing recognition that spirituality plays a role in the healthy development of individuals” (p. 254). These works demonstrate that spirituality does provide benefit to college students along certain key themes. In general, however, these works view spirituality for the most part as an innate quality of students born out of particular faith perspectives. Indirectly, these articles relate to spirituality as providing benefit, however, they do not directly tie spirituality to a developmental process. They do not, for example, discuss explicitly the role of mentorship in spiritual development, or establish how spiritual mentoring may aid students’ spiritual development and growth in SI. Finally, they do not reveal how spiritual mentorship may assist college students in making complex connections between how spirituality, the capacity to cope, and community might together lead to success and leadership development or aid in students’ overall well-being. In my own spiritual direction and in my spiritual direction of college students I am aware of the benefits of spiritual direction as a type of spiritual mentorship. I found from my work in spiritual direction of a growing interest that wondered: how does engaging in spiritual direction make it especially distinctive and beneficial for people in relation to other types of mentoring? Does being in a spiritual direction relationship, for example, help facilitate a person’s growth in

Spiritual Intelligence (SI)? Higher education, psychology, and social work discourse offers support that spirituality does provide benefit for college students and these benefits may lead not only to their spiritual growth but to their overall well-being as well. The role of spiritual mentorship encouraged in the writings of Daloz Parks, Emmons, and others, as found in the mentoring form of Christian spiritual direction (CSD), may then be something worthy of additional research and understanding. Therefore, in addressing these inter-related concerns, the purpose of this study is to better understand the relationship between the practice of Christian spiritual direction (CSD) and growth in spiritual intelligence (SI) for college-age students from physically, sexually, and/or emotionally abusive homes, dysfunctional childhood experiences, or challenging young adult formational experiences. Christian Spiritual Direction (CSD) Christian Spiritual Direction (CSD) roots itself in the Trinitarian relationship of God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit. These three persons, all God, are one in their perfect love for one another and in their perfect love for creation. God created the world out of nothing and in love. As creator, God is mysterious and transcendent. As a loving creator, God is intimately knowable and immanently alive in creation. The gift of free will, given by God to humankind, endows the human person with the capacity to accept or reject God’s love through the way we love, or don’t love God, self, and neighbor. Too often, throughout human history, humanity has rejected God’s love and instead chosen to destroy our loving relationships with God, with our neighbor, with our very selves. God took on human form in the person of Jesus Christ so to fully and finally reveal the depths of divine love. This Jesus taught people once again about the depths of God’s love in his preaching, his healing, his challenge to systemic social injustices, and finally in his dying and rising to new life. Fully human and divine, Jesus’ dying and rising to new life graced humankind with the possibility of salvation, the grace to rise to new life as well. The love of God and Christ, so powerful a force, lives on in the world as the Holy Spirit. One’s encounter with this God “is an encounter with the perfect community of [God], Son, and Holy Spirit whose intention in creating the universe is to invite human beings to become part of their community, and thus to live in harmony with one another and the whole of creation” (Barry, 2004, p. 57).

Benner (2002), using this brief articulation of Christianity, speaks of the CSD process as something he calls ‘spiritual friendship.’ This spiritual friendship has the power to assist those directed to become once again “great lovers” – lovers of self, of other, of God and God’s creation. Spiritual direction, through a person’s reflecting on their lived experiences, those that were good, and those that brought harm, offers those being directed the space to reflect on those good and harmful movements so that they may discern how to find wholeness, healing, and transformation. Finally, he concludes, spiritual direction guides people through those moments of healing and transformation into becoming more fully what he calls their “true self-in Christ” (p. 39). CSD consists then of two foci, one that is spiritual, and one that is directive. The word spiritual “does tell us that the basic concern of this kind of help is . . . with the inner life, the ‘heart,’ the personal core out of which come those good and [harmful things] that people think and do. [The word direction], “implies that the person seeking direction is going somewhere and wants to talk with someone on the way [with the aim of] help[ing] the person find a way” (Barry & Connolly, 2009, p. 11). People engaged in CSD may come therefore to a deeper appreciation of how these good or bad life experiences affect self-knowledge, meaning in life, and the presence of God within a persons’ lived experience. Regular engagement in CSD may also aid in a persons’ healing through a caring attention to their spirit. Further, CSD may transform a person’s life through offering tools for reflective discernment. This reflective, discerning nature of CSD may bring about transformation as a person understands, becomes less motivated by, or becomes better able to deal with how the more harmful life experiences have affected their spirit, while celebrating and affirming the spirit found in more positive life experiences. Finally, CSD may aid people to live more consciously and deliberately in relationship with a God who cares, as well as help them to grow as spiritually intelligent beings better able to understand the movements of goodness and harm in their lives and adapt thereby displaying higher spiritually intelligent functioning. Like learning, spiritual development is a life-long endeavor. The more one engages in spiritual practices, such as CSD, the more potential for spiritual development is possible. The more one develops their spiritual dimension the more one will find progression toward greater spiritual intelligence integration. As Palmer, et al., (2010) conclude, “Spirituality can become a practice that leads to knowledge based in experience. As such, it finds home on the side of

science. But it is equally concerned with values, meaning, and purpose, and so it shares much in common with religion” (p. 121). Spiritual direction may therefore offer all college students, but especially those who experience the developmental harm of abuse or dysfunction, the power to discern in their life some more constructive ways of being, relating, and knowing. CSD may equip these students abused as children, through care and cure, with the tools to develop positive self-esteem, healthier relationships with others, and a more trusting belief system and understanding of the world (Moon & Benner, 2004). Spiritual direction may therefore be a powerful instrument to aid abused or traumatized students’ movement toward personal healing and growth in SI as they live out and possess the qualities of transcendence, heightened self and other consciousness, sanctity, spiritual resource proficiency, and growth in virtuous behavior (Emmons, 1999). The Transformative Nature of Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) ISD, flowing from Jesuit Spirituality, grounds itself in the spiritual journey of its founder Saint Ignatius of Loyola. ISD engages those directed in it toward an active reflective discernment of their life experiences, whatever they may be, so that personal healing, spiritual growth, and life transformations may take root. ISD, as a type of CSD, may be of particular benefit therefore for students who have lived through the destructive experience of abuse and dysfunction. In ISD, “the new clarity of understanding leads [for] the person following [where] God is leading, to transformation of attitude and behavior” (Osiek, 1985, p. 87). ISD developed out of the lived experience of the founder of the Society of Jesus, Saint Ignatius of Loyola’s, own spiritual journey. A brief biographical sketch of his life story reveals that Iñigo, later Ignatius, was born in the Basque region of Northern Spain into a wealthy, aristocratic family. Ignatius gloried in acts of chivalry and life in the royal court while working as a page to Juan Velazquez, the treasurer of the Kingdom of Castille. At the age of 30, as a soldier, he and his platoon were defending a fortress in the town of Pamplona when a cannonball crashed through the fortress wounding his one leg and breaking the other. While recuperating through two surgeries to repair his leg, Ignatius asked for books of romance and of chivalrous knights to be brought to him to read. Those attending to Ignatius found none of these types of books in the house. All that they could find were one book on the lives of the saints and another on the life of Christ. Ignatius began to read these books but his spirit remained troubled. He still fantasized about his aristocratic life and life in the courts. While remembering that life he

fantasized about how wonderful it would be for him to win the hand of this great, noble-woman that he knew. Yet, in his reading of the two books lent to him, he also felt the lives of Christ and the saints of interest. As he reflected on these stories, he felt the spiritual life, of following Christ and imitating the saints, a noble enterprise. Out of his reflections, he was able to discern that the spirit that led him back to his aristocratic, noble, and chivalrous life left him with a lack of peace and anxious but that serving the Lord and becoming a saint made his spirit feel at peace. He came to a life decision, born of this discernment of these temporal spirits, which he later called, ‘good spirits’ or ‘evil spirits’, to follow that which led him to the greater peace, and that was to serve God, the ultimate and divine good Spirit. This was the beginning of his conversion. It was also the start of what he would call the discernment of spirits, which forms the basis of Ignatian spirituality, and is an integral part of ISD (Loyola, 1556/1995). Those who wish to be in an ISD relationship seeks out someone trained in ISD, though they are always free at any time to switch directors or leave the spiritual direction process. Most CSD and ISD relationships however are long term and can continue for a lifetime if a person so chooses. ISD is specifically dedicated to the critical reflective discernment of the events of a person’s life and the movements of the good and evil spirits that flow through those events. The director, in ISD, in being spiritually present with the directee, allows them to share their life experiences, to become aware, through emotion, imagination, and reason how the diverse temporal spirits of life, those good and bad, are leading them. The aim is to be able to discern and reflect on these movements so they may find peace, order, healing, and transformation. This transformation, however, is something that does not occur overnight. This transformation involves sometimes a lifelong engagement with discerning God’s Spirit through the spirits of one’s life. The very nature of ISD assumes that people experience a need for transformation from disorder to order in life. Loyola (1541/1992) claims that the spiritual practices of ISD are there to assist the directee “to overcome oneself, and order one's life, without reaching a decision through some disordered affection” (p. 61). Houdek (1996) sees three central elements involved in ISD, “First, it is . . . conversational” (p. 6). Second, the conversation as one shares one’s life “expresses [both] faith and mystery” (p. 6). This conversation between director and directee may lead to increased faith and spiritual development as it helps the directee see and believe in the many ways that God loves him or her. The conversation helps the directee better able to

understand, be aware, and articulate and embrace the mystery of this love leading to spiritual growth. A final purpose of this conversation therefore is “discernment . . . the attempt to understand the origin, meaning, direction, and purpose of . . . experiences and make behavioral decisions congruent with [our] experiences” (p. 7). In the conversational interchange between spiritual director and directee, in the sharing of the subjective experiences of God, self, others, and the world, the directee grows in awareness, through discernment of the spirits, ‘good’ or ‘evil,’ that move in the directee’s life. “The terms evil and good spirits . . . should not distract us from the essential task of discovering the real forces of good and evil (to which such terms refer) are in fact leading us” (English, 1995, p. 113). Over time, the directee, with the assistance of God working through the spiritual director, discovers greater understanding of how the ultimate good Spirit (God) works in the directee’s life and this discerning awareness leads to restoring order, thereby transforming the directee. Ignatius headlined his treatment of discernment as: “rules for understanding to some extent the different movements produced in the soul and for recognizing those that are good to admit them, and those that are bad, to reject them” (English, 1995, p. 112). In other words, “discernment of spirits [sorts] out the mélange of thoughts and impulses to locate and reinforce those [that lead] us to God and to love, and to suppress or refuse to act on those which contaminate or dilute our commitment to God” (Smith, 1985, p. 230). Spiritual direction based on Ignatian spirituality is a relationship then of care and cure, as it offers wholeness to a persons’ disordered life, curing them in transformative and holistic ways, giving life purpose, and connecting them once again with some greater good in life. Recalling the working definition of spirituality that grounds this research we can see that a person who is high in spiritual intelligence will be able to find greater life meaning, healing, and ability to use spiritual resources to deal with life’s complexities, with more forgiveness and compassion for themselves and toward others. Further, they will be able to see and believe the sacred in all things and all relationships, and increased consciousness of how spirituality animates in a holistic way the social, emotional, intellectual, and other aspects of a person’s life. The goal of ISD is to form “a holistic spirituality [that] helps to develop [people] who can overcome the pernicious schizophrenia between soul and body, brain and heart, and thus become more whole” (Au, 1993, p. 490). Although I could find no scholarly work on ISD in the life of college students abused as children, or who lived through dysfunctional environments, work has been written about others

who speak of ISD’s healing, transformative, and life directing capacities. Rebecca, a woman who was raped, tortured, and left for dead by a man named Frank became engaged in a long-term ISD relationship. ISD, she claims, allowed her the capacity to find the safety to go back and remember that experience. ISD helped her reimagine her experience and this reimagining lead her from pain and suffering to empowerment. She reflects: I felt strengthened and comforted by their (God and the family members who love her) presence. Then with slow dawning, I felt the space encompassed with a great love that held me and confronted Frank. [This power of love] is the power that can stop Frank, and that even if Frank succeeded, this power is greater than him, and will still hold me, and preserve me. I am my faith. I am the one who has never given up. (Barry, 2004, p. 68) Sister Margaret Baker, engaged many years in ISD, after she finished an ISD retreat, voices her experience, “Near the end of the retreat and afterwards I realized a clearness of vision, a singleness of purpose, and also wholeness, integration: it was like all the little pieces of a puzzle (my life) had finally fallen into place. It seemed I could say: now, I know myself, I know where I am going” (Baker, 1985, p. 160). College students who faced abuse or dysfunction as young adults therefore may especially benefit from this more dedicated mentorship of spiritual direction, one that pays attention to their spirit by providing care and the chance to find healing, to become more whole, and the chance to infuse life with meaning and purpose. Childhood and Young Adult Abuse in the United States: Pervasiveness, Possibilities, and Problems Adversity, hardship, and challenge in a young person’s upbringing may actually lead to positive formational possibilities for those children who have encountered these experiences. Kitano and Lewis (2005), in a literature review that focused on concepts of resilience and coping across higher education research for the relevant population of at-risk children, found that children facing adversity “may possess a greater range and flexibility in coping strategies” (p. 200). Pizzolato (2004), in a qualitative work that examined twenty-seven entering at-risk college students, found that coming from an at-risk developmental environment may facilitate greater coping strategies in students. Yet, her study also reveals, that the transition from secondary to tertiary learning environments may actually lead to identity confusion. “Although these students

developed self-authored ways of knowing prior to college, entering college they encountered significant challenges to their internal foundations” (p. 439). Even though some research shows that adversity in childhood or young adults may lead to a greater capacity to cope, and an intrinsic resiliency, my personal experience with childhood abuse, coupled with a growing awareness of abuse and dysfunction in the young adults I was spiritually directing, led me to want to understand more completely the full scope and nature of childhood and young adult abusive situations. I felt it beneficial for this proposal to understand the pervasiveness of these situations. I also felt it would be helpful to understand how abusive and dysfunctional situations are, for the person who experienced them, personally and developmentally harmful. Finally, I was curious to understand how some of these more negative consequences of childhood or young adult formational experiences affected college campus environments and the post-college community. Pervasiveness Childhood and young adult abuse is pervasive. The US Department of HHS (2010), defines childhood and young adult abuse as, “any recent act or failure to act on the part of a parent or caretaker which results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation; or an act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm” (p. vii). The 2010 HHS study, using data gathered in 2009, found they received, “reports of 3.6 million childhood abuse referrals (p. 21), and of those, nearly one quarter (22.5%) were substantiated as indicating moderate to severe abuse for children 18 and younger in the United States for that year” (pp. 23-24). “Four-fifths (78.3%) of victims were neglected, 17.6 percent were physically abused, 9.2 percent were sexually abused, 8.1 percent were psychologically maltreated, and 2.4 percent were medically neglected” (p. 26). The study also shows that “eighty-four percent of these children experienced abuse at the hand of their own parents or a family relative” (p. x). The other sixteen percent of young adults abused experienced that abuse from some other relationship, such as from adults in a position of trust, classmates, or boyfriends or girlfriends. Further, the study revealed that male and female children experience abuse somewhat equally, although female children seemed to show a higher elevation of substantiated abuse (51.2%) as contrasted with male children (48.5%) (p. 23). Finally, the study revealed that childhood abuse occurs within every racial demographic: “44.8% Caucasian, 21.9% African-American, 21.4%

Hispanic, and 11.0% Unknown, Multiple Race, Native-American, Asian or Pacific Islander” (pp. 23-24). Abuse’s pervasiveness underscores the reality that some of these children matriculate and become part of the college campus environment. O’Dougherty Wright, Crawford, and Del Castillo (2009) found that abuse rates among college populations “are comparable to those found in community samples” (p. 60). Childhood and young adult abuse leaves its victims with a whole host of personal and development concerns that affects their self-esteem, diminishes their capacity to relate to others in socially acceptable and healthy ways, and makes them more wary and mistrustful of others. Further, as these children enter college, they bring with them the consequences of their abuse, which can bring potential harm and concern to the college campus environment as well as detrimentally affect the larger community. Personal and Developmental Harm Numerous studies that focus on college students reveal the negative impact that abuse has on students’ learning and development. Trickett and McBride-Chang (1995) examined the intrapersonal, interpersonal, and cognitive development of college students and concluded that “the more [children] are abused . . . [the greater] increase in cognitive and social incompetence” (p. 328). Brodsky, et al., (2001) found a definite connection between childhood and young adult abuse and impulsivity, depression, and suicidal behavior among college students. They found that students who “had a history of physical or sexual abuse in childhood were more likely to have made a previous suicide attempt . . . [exhibit] impulsivity, higher levels of aggression, [and] higher co-morbid borderline personality disorder” (p. 1874). In a much cited and influential longitudinal work, Silverman, et al., (1996) found that subjects of childhood and young adult abuse “demonstrated significant impairments . . . including more depressive symptomology, anxiety, psychiatric disorders, emotional behavior problems, suicide ideation, and suicide attempts” (p. 709). Children from abusive homes, or who have experienced abuse in some capacity in childhood or as young adults, face numerous personal, emotional, and cognitive problems that when they enter college will then affect their environments. College Campus and Community Concerns Childhood abuse harms the person abused, and as long as it remains unhealed will have ramifications for the college environment and the larger community. Egeland (2009) asserts that childhood or young adult abuse leads not only to “substance abuse [but] lack of impulse control

as well” in college students (p. 25). Any feelings of low self-esteem, anger at their abusers, emotional impulsivity, and mistrust may influence an abused student’s desire for addictive self- medication and lead to more visible and violent manifestations that affect more than just the abuser. Lansford, et al., (2007) assert that childhood abuse can lead to vandalism, drug dealing, and roommate violence. Casey and Lindhorst (2009) relate childhood sexual abuse to later sexual violence and conclude, “abuse experiences in childhood are strongly correlated with later sexual violence” (p. 93). Not only does childhood and young adult abuse lead to personally harmful attitudes and developmental dysfunction, it also has communal consequences. Depression, suicide ideation, and suicide are never just a private, personal act, but also affect family members, friends, and other members in the community. Drug addiction, vandalism, and roommate and sexual violence are criminal activities that clearly negatively affect both the college environment and community. Duncan’s (2000) study connects abuse with dropout rates and truancy. High truancy and dropout rates deprive the university community of students passionate in learning, as well as the potential communal loss of these truant and dropout students as effective and civically engaged leaders. Works from the psychological discipline argue that spiritual direction may offer the full healing, which victims of trauma, abuse, or violence need. Ganje-Fling and McCarthy (1996) found that utilizing spiritual direction in conjunction with therapeutic interventions might bring healing to sexually abused clients. Weber and Cumming’s (2003) study supported the role that generic spiritual programming may have on developing social support and solidarity for abused students on college campuses. They found that spirituality does appear to be of benefit. Sperry (2003) writes of the intersection of spiritual direction and therapy and concludes, “spiritual practices can be a powerful adjunctive to the treatment process” (p. 12). Childhood and young adult abuse unhealed and untransformed goes beyond being just an issue of personal harm and developmental dysfunction for the student who has faced that abuse. The consequences from abuse can become a problem for the college campus and for the larger community as well. Spiritual direction, as a form of caring partnership for growth and learning, may then offer a healing corrective for the college student of abuse, for the university community, and for society. Finding meaningful ways, such as ISD, for college students abused as children may help bring healing, transcend the negative aspects of abuse, find new ways of being, relating, and

knowing, and thereby develop their SI. In their growth toward SI, this development may offer new ways of consciousness that infuse everyday encounters and experiences with a sense of the sacred, within themselves, in their relations with others, and in the world. Further, SI development may become a resource for dealing with life’s problems, such as, dealing with the effects of abuse. Finally, college students abused as children or young adults, in their SI development, may discover the chance to grow in the virtuous life, to find the space to forgive, to grow in compassion, and to work for justice as they transform old ways of being and relating into new ways of living. A Justification for Research and a Restatement of the Research Question Human beings have the capacity to develop their spiritual lives and grow in SI just as they have the capacity to develop intellectually and morally. Spirituality, and peoples’ spiritual development seems to afford benefits along six key dimensions. Yet, research presented on these six dimensions reveals that these benefits as witnessed in the lives of college students came from an innate spirituality born out of a particular faith perspective. Each key dimension revealed however, supports that spirituality offers benefits around spiritual learning and growth that might show development toward SI. Unfortunately, and especially for college students during this period of time when the complexity of their lives could be assisted with spiritual mentorship, they too often face their spiritual developmental journey alone. Spiritual mentorships, like ISD, might help college students grow in spirituality as an integral part of their overall healing, meaning making, learning, and growth. What holistic student development, development that focuses on the intellectual, physical, emotional, moral as well as spiritual, may need, if spirituality is to find value in higher education, then, are increased quantitative and qualitative works on spirituality and spiritual mentoring. Additional studies that focus on examining the effects of specific spiritual programming such as ISD may have for college students’ learning and development may foster this increased understanding and valuation. Further, studies on spirituality, as outlined above, reveal that spirituality does present benefits for college students, but further scholarly work is needed to connect those spiritual benefits with college student spiritual development and programming and then links these to a growth in spiritual intelligence. Finally, higher educational scholarship would also benefit from studies that show how the role of spiritual mentorship, in a relationship such as ISD, can help college students abused and/or who lived

through dysfunctional experiences as children or as young adults grow in spiritually intelligent ways. One particular group of college students that may especially benefit from an ISD relationship then are those that have faced, or continue to face, the effects of childhood or young adult traumas. The purpose of this study is to understand the nature of the relationship between the spiritual practice of ISD and growth in SI for college-age students from physically, sexually, and/or emotionally abusive homes, dysfunctional childhood experiences, or challenging young adult formational experiences. In what ways then does engagement in ISD for college students, who come from physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive homes, dysfunctional childhood experiences, or challenging young adult formational experiences facilitate students’ growth in SI?

CHAPTER III: THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK, METHODOLOGY, AND METHODS

This study utilized a constructivist theoretical framework. Creswell (2007) wrote that the constructivist theoretical framework facilitates understanding of experience. In this (constructivist) worldview, individuals seek understanding of the world in which they live and work. They develop subjective meanings of their experiences – meanings directed toward certain objects and to things. These meanings are varied and multiple, leading the researcher to look for the complexity of views rather than narrow the meanings into a few categories or ideas. The goal of research, then, is to rely as much as possible on the participants’ views of the situation. (Creswell, 2007, p. 20) Since the goal is to rely, as much as is possible, on participant views, in the case of this study, as researcher, I spent “extended periods of time interviewing participants . . . in an effort to reconstruct the constructions participants used to make sense of their worlds” (Hatch, 2002, p. 24). This study employed the constructivist approach because together researcher, those researched, and reader will construct an understanding of the effects of abuse and dysfunction and the effects of Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD). Hatch (2002) describes the constructivist theoretical framework as one that “assumes a world in which universal absolute realities are unknowable, and the objects of inquiry are individual perspectives or constructions of reality. The constructivist theoretical framework argues that, “multiple realities exist that are inherently unique because they are constructed by individuals who experience the world from their own vantage points” (p. 23). Although absolute realities are unknowable, one still can glean some understanding of the unique vantage points of the constructed experiences of others through the research process by allowing a sharing, as much as is possible, of others’ experiences. Cheung (1997) explains that the constructivist framework explores the social conditions in which people construct an understanding about themselves and their world. The experience of abuse or dysfunction, as a constructed reality of experience, for example, influences students in how they understand themselves and the world. These students’ engagement with spiritual direction is also a construction, one that may transform some of the negative formational effects and construct perhaps a new and transformed reality of understanding self and world. The goal of this research is for the researcher, the reader, and the researched to come to understand more completely these constructions. Since we are trying to grow in our

understanding of college students’ experiences of childhood abuse and dysfunction along with Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD), examining the phenomena born of these realities will help facilitate our understanding. Therefore, an appropriate methodology for this study is phenomenology. Methodology The use of a phenomenological methodology in this study provided an organizational framework in which to examine the participants’ formational experiences and how those experiences affected them. It also helped to discover what the Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) experience was like for each participant. Finally, the use of phenomenology provided the means to analyze the ways ISD affected them as individuals, and also revealed the effects of ISD that were shared by all participants. Phenomenology The goal of phenomenology is to examine particular human phenomenon (Creswell, 2007). The data that was collected comes from the lived experiences of participants across their entire experience of the phenomena. For this research, the essence of the phenomena in question is born of participants’ experiences of Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) primarily, and childhood abuse and dysfunction, secondarily. The aim of the data collection and analysis is to understand what, for them, is the essence of their experiences (Moustakas, 1994). The goal of phenomenological based qualitative studies is to “understand better what it is like for someone to experience” what they experienced (Polkinghorne, 1989, p. 46). Giorgi (2009) discusses the strength phenomenology has as a qualitative research methodology. He sees that the phenomenological method “explicitly utilizes an eidetic approach that strengthens the generalized claim” (p. 54). Giorgi concludes that the use of phenomenology as a research methodology leads to analytical rigor. “Because of the phenomenologist’s eidetic intuition into essences, the generalized findings are more substantial, and thus provide qualitative analyses with stronger intersubjective findings” (p. 55). Buytendijk (1987) believes that phenomenology as a research methodology offers a clearer understanding of those human experiences being studied, for these experiences are based on real human emotions and feelings. In phenomenology we should like to know what the significations of the acts of hating, desiring, rage, joy, etc., are; and we are convinced that these significations or meanings

are the real essence of the feelings. Every feeling is a feeling of something, and the human attitude in which a feeling is experienced in a positional, not reflective consciousness results in fuller understanding. (p. 121) Buytendijk concludes that this fuller understanding “depends on the discovery of the invariance(s) which occurs during the continual experience concerning a feeling in various situations in relation to the modes of existence” (p. 131). The research presented in this study involved the lived experiences and felt emotions of participants in how their formation affected them, but especially, in how the experience of Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) affected them. Moustakas (1994) states that the goal of phenomenological research, is to determine what an experience means for the persons who have had the experience and to be able to provide a comprehensive description of it. From the individual descriptions, general or universal meanings are derived, in other words, the essences, or structures of the experience. (p. 12) As I listened to participants’ stories, and collected and analyzed the datum of participants’ lived experiences during the interview process, the essences of their experience were revealed, and thus led to a deeper understanding. This interrelationship [between] the direct conscious description of experience, and the underlying dynamics or structures that account for the experience, provides a central meaning and unity that enables one to understand the substance and essence of the experience. (p. 9) This study’s design, as it tried to understand the common and shared meanings born of students’ experiences, made phenomenology a helpful methodology. The constructivist framework pairs with phenomenology as a methodology. As I collected data from the interview sessions the discovery process revealed the universalizing essences of the effects of ISD for college students. Data analysis yielded for participants, researcher, and reader therefore a greater understanding of the essential experience of how and in what ways ISD has affected these college students. Methods – Sampling Selected Institutions Since the study will examine the role of Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) in the life of college students and since ISD is predominantly offered at Jesuit institutions of higher learning,

it was my intent to select five Midwestern Jesuit universities for this study. I began this process of site selection late spring and early summer of 2013. Initially, I looked at five Jesuit universities as I wanted to make sure I would be able to find a significant participant pool in order to conduct research. One of the Jesuit universities’ human subjects approval process was too difficult to navigate and so that university was eliminated. I selected the remaining Jesuit universities so as to sufficiently find suitable participants as well as for efficiency in carrying out the needed data collection. I decided on selecting multiple Jesuit universities, away from the Jesuit university where I lived and worked, in order to insure confidentiality. Also in selecting these sites, I looked for Jesuit universities that had a deep and thriving ethos surrounding Jesuit spirituality, mission, and vision. Finally, I evaluated numerous Jesuit universities that had highly active spiritual direction programs and/or retreat opportunities based on the spiritual exercises of Saint Ignatius. The Interview Location(s) After selecting the sites, the next step was to secure comfortable and confidential rooms to conduct participant interviews. Since the students were already on familiar ground at their respective institutions and since they had already established relationships with counselors and/or spiritual directors there, the interviews just made logical sense to take place at their respective universities. I then, after securing rooms to conduct the interviews, turned my attention to recruiting and finding participants. The Recruitment Process One concern I had, given the nature of this study, was in finding the proposed number of upper-class or recently graduated students. These participants also needed to have experienced childhood abuse or dysfunctional young adult formational experiences and were also to be engaged in spiritual direction. I found participants mainly through gatekeepers (Creswell, 2007), people at these universities who know the life of their students, or who acted as spiritual directors, or who are intimately involved in the student and spiritual development work. I found gatekeepers who met these criteria in Jesuit friends, Jesuit superiors of communities, and Directors of Campus Ministry and/or spiritual direction programs at these universities. They became a vital means of assistance in helping me to find research participants. I also found a number of participants through ‘snowball’ sampling, a type of sampling where participants are

referred by acquaintances or friends who are already participants in this study as potential other participants (Lichtman, 2010). Setback to the Recruitment Process One of the lessons learned as a novice researcher was how to navigate the political landscape of the research sites I selected in order to transform potential resistance to recruitment issues. This navigational learning led to my developing a more professional response to research related setbacks. An example of such a setback I experienced was when initially enthused gatekeepers at the selected institutions ended up hesitant in sharing students’ names. Initially, feeling equal as a peer and colleague, I grew increasingly perplexed as to why student names’ were not forthcoming. The gatekeepers were not responding to my missives after I sent numerous e-mails and voicemails to these universities. Perhaps I misread their initial enthusiasm. I thought there was something I was not reading correctly about the political landscape of these universities in relation to the people and different departments’ connection with that landscape. Regarding politics, for example, two of the universities, at that time were facing high level administrational upheavals. Another university had just undergone a major transition of leadership in the campus ministry department. Also, all of the universities were facing budget cuts and staff layoffs, and so perhaps they just did not have the personnel resources to dedicate to developing a list of student names for me. Finally, in meeting with directors of campus ministries at these universities I discovered that during times of budget constraints spiritual programming and staff are the first to be cut. I also wondered if ego in leadership was a force behind this dearth of forthcoming student names. Some of the universities faced tensions between members of the Jesuit community who were in leadership positions and faculty and staff over the way these Jesuits were leading their universities. In one instance for example, a student at one of the universities who ended up being a participant informed me that her spiritual director, a director of campus ministry at that university, told her not to share too deeply with me. I was unable to understand why gatekeepers’ interest in this research became tepid. I decided a second visit to these universities was in order. I needed to market this research again, see in person what the atmosphere was regarding my research, and get to the bottom of why there was resistance. Fortunately, at University A, the first university I revisited, the director of Campus Ministry there gave me the reasoning for the hesitancy.

Second Site Visits At University A, the Director of Campus Ministry, revealed what was the major stumbling block to recruiting participants and the reason for gatekeeper resistance. He shared that the resistance concerned the childhood or young adult abuse criteria that made him and other gatekeepers nervous. The reality of the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA) regulations regarding student confidentiality gave these gatekeepers pause. Caught in between the need for human subject approval and the internal review board’s (IRB) need for full disclosure of what the research project entails, and then facing resistance because of this requirement, I had to reevaluate and refashion my recruitment methods. I contacted Miami University’s internal review board to submit revisions, not regarding the scope of study, but regarding informed consent and recruitment. Those revisions were submitted and approved in November 2013. I made a decision to remove all mention of childhood abuse and dysfunction from all recruitment material, except the informed consent. I reworked the study emphasizing the effects of Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD). Based on my own experience as a spiritual director I knew that the issue of childhood or young adult abuse or dysfunction would present itself through a preliminary interview. This preliminary interview was done before the actual formal interviews with the population pool supplied by these universities. With the hope and expectation that I addressed to gatekeepers as well as aware of FERPA and human subjects approval concerns, I visited the universities. I brought with me the revised recruitment materials as well as a handout and gave them to the relevant gatekeepers at each institution. Gatekeepers, more comfortable about my research project and the way it was revised, were more forthcoming with names. The gatekeepers gave me additional names of faculty, Jesuits, and other departmental possibilities, people who dealt with the Jesuit spirituality mission and identity. From these meetings, held during the second visit, original and new gatekeepers supplied me with lists of student names. Out of all the names given to me, I selected a potential pool of forty participants that gatekeepers targeted for me as positive potential representative sample for inclusion in this research. I then preliminarily interviewed these forty candidates in order to gain a sense of their childhood and young adult formational experiences to see if dysfunction and abuse were evident. On the whole, thirty-five out of the initial forty candidates professed some form of childhood or young adult complexity, abuse, or dysfunction.

These candidates in their sharing described a wide continuum from mild to more severe and systemic abuse and/or dysfunctional experiences. The final criteria I desired, that participants be in at least one year of a spiritual direction relationship with a director trained in Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD), whittled the pool down to the final sample. Of these initial forty candidates, I selected twenty students who met the criteria for inclusion. I then notified these twenty participants of their possible inclusion in the study. Next I established a final appointment before the actual interviews so that data collection could began. This meeting allowed participants to have a clearer understanding through a full disclosure of the research project’s purpose. I then allowed space for participants to ask any questions of the research they had. After answering their questions to their satisfaction we went over the informed consent. If they had no further questions and understood completely the informed consent, together we signed our respective portions of responsibilities. We then established first interview meeting times. Of the selected twenty participants, three participants, two males and one female, recused themselves from the study. A third male participant was removed from the study at the request of his university. More females (11) than males (5) offered their formational and spiritual journeys. Although I hoped for a more heterogeneous ethnic sample, a majority of Caucasian participants eventually offered their stories. I cannot begin to conjecture a guess why this might be, but factors such as the contexts of diversity of world religions (this being a study on Christian spirituality), location of the universities within the Midwest region, or smaller student populations on campus might have been contributing factors. The age range varies, because some participants are still in college, some have just graduated, and the rest are recent graduates whose ages represent ages of a typical post-graduate. Finally, seeing that this is a study that examines the effects of Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD), I chose pseudonyms for the participants, from among the names of important women and men in the Bible. The following table displays the participants by order of the interview dates, their pseudonyms, age at the time of the interviews, gender, ethnicity, and university attended. In order to maintain confidentiality, the universities were not named as some of the sites selected only had one or two participants and thus these students might have been more easily identified.

Table 1

Participants: Pseudonym, Age, Gender, Ethnicity and University by Order of Interview Number Pseudonym Age Gender Ethnicity University 1 Matthew 26 M Caucasian B 2 Ruth 22 F Caucasian D 3 Deborah 22 F Caucasian D 4 Sarah 21 F Hispanic A 5 Mary 22 F Caucasian D 6 Eve 23 F Caucasian D 7 Miriam 20 F Caucasian B 8 Anne 22 F Caucasian C 9 Judith 23 F Caucasian D 10 Rebekah 22 F Caucasian C 11 Mark 22 M Caucasian C 12 Paul 21 M Caucasian C 13 Priscilla 21 F Caucasian C 14 Elizabeth 24 F Caucasian D 15 John 24 M Caucasian D 16 James 24 M Hispanic D

Methods – Affectivity, Subjective Bias, and Bracketing I found, through the selection of sites, human subject approval, recruiting participants, and interview sessions, a wide range of emotions and subjective biases were present. In order to control my subjective bias and emotional connection to the data collection and analysis phases of this research I journaled regarding these matters. I then wrote memos concerning the process and maintained contact with my own spiritual director about any issue that arose regarding my research. I organized these affectivities and subjective biases into three basic themes that I needed to be especially cognizant of so that I could better bracket these themes so that they would not unduly influence analysis of the data. These themes are: personal experience of abuse, the need for spiritual director versus researcher role-switching control, and insecurities of a novice researcher. The goal of phenomenology is to bracket out as intentionally as possible the researcher’s emotional connection and biases concerning the research at hand (Moustakas, 1994). Tufford and Newman (2012) define bracketing “as a method used by some researchers to mitigate the potential deleterious effects of unacknowledged preconceptions related to the research and thereby to increase the rigor of the project” (p. 81). They further claim that bracketing,

“facilitates the researcher reaching deeper levels of reflection across all stages of the research: selecting a topic and population, designing the interview, collecting and interpreting data, and reporting findings” (p. 81). Wertz et al. (2011) quoting one of the foundational thinkers on bracketing, Edmund Husserl, Famously said, “We must return ‘to the things themselves.’” Abstaining from or ‘bracketing’ prior knowledge of the subject matter allows the researcher to attend what Husserl called the ‘lifeworld’ and to freshly reflect on concrete examples of the phenomena under investigation. Bracketing in phenomenology is the intellectual and emotional process of constraining, as best as one is able, the subjective realities of the researcher, so that the phenomenon that is researched can be viewed from the most objectively pure position possible. Personal Experience with Abuse My subjective bias as researcher presented challenges to data collection and analysis. Passion for this topic, my own experiences with childhood abuse, how it affected me, my own spiritual direction through the years, how that affected me, and my work as a spiritual director made it extremely difficult to successfully bracket out those experiences and be objective as I collected and analyzed data. Therefore, bracketing out researcher bias and subjectivities might not have been entirely possible. I tried to be intentional in bracketing out any of my subjective experiences. My own childhood formational experience consisted of dealing with a very strong, domineering and emotionally abusive father. Even though I have had years of therapy and spiritual direction and have grown and developed spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually while doing this, unresolved issues still bubbled to the surface. My experiences and unresolved issues connected with participants’ stories of abuse and/or dysfunction, how those experiences affected them, and then the effects of spiritual direction for them. As a researcher I needed to bracket as much as I was able of my subjective realities so that participants’ own stories were represented accurately. Spiritual Director versus Researcher Role-Switching The life of a college student is perhaps one of their first forays into adult complexity. I felt it when I was an undergraduate based on my family history and I saw it also with the students that I have spiritually directed over the years. I know of many students who faced very difficult lives before coming to campus. It was important during the interview phase of data

collection to strive to bracket out the influence that my many years ministering in the capacity as spiritual director may have had. I did not pre-analyze participants’ responses or read into the data things that I wanted to see. In my fifteen years of spiritual direction training and ministry and my empathetic sensibilities regarding the subject matter of this proposal, a real possibility that I needed to be aware of was switching out of my role as researcher and finding myself sliding into the spiritual director role for these participants. Supervisory feedback as I shared these concerns occurred with my Jesuit Superior regarding what happened surrounding my role and actions during the interview sessions significantly lessened this reality. One positive influence that my practice of spiritual direction over the past fifteen years provided was in discerning not only what to ask but to do so in a non-confrontational and compassionate way. Finally, the art of spiritual direction allowed me to be more reflective and go deeper with questions that got to the heart of the matter. Insecurities of a Novice Researcher In all honesty, from site selection all the way to data collection and analysis, a wide range of emotions presented themselves. Overall, the main emotions that I felt during this journey were of excitement and enthusiasm. At times however, emotions such as frustration during the human subject approval process, anger at any resistance to my being able to conduct this research (either within myself or from others), as well as any researcher mistakes I made along the way, fueled my insecurities about my role as a researcher and even as an academic. These insecurities led to moments where I was resistant to completing the dissertation or even at times to discern where start or figure out what to do next. Fortunately, through journaling about these emotions and experiences, meeting with my spiritual director, and with support from Jesuit friends, doctoral student peers, and from my professors, I found the encouragement needed to help overcome these insecurities and succeed. Overall, through this experience I have found a renewed sense of trust in my capacity to be a researcher and to do academic work. Methods – Data Collection I followed participants over the second to last or last year of their undergraduate experience and recent graduates from the Jesuit universities selected. Polkinghorne (1989) suggests that, “the phenomenological interview . . . involves an interpersonal engagement in which subjects are encouraged to share with the researcher the details of their experience. The

interview seeks descriptions of the experience itself without the subject’s interpretation or theoretical explanations” (p. 49). During the course of that year, I interviewed participants twice, in the beginning of the fall semester of 2013, and then, for the second interview near the middle of their 2014 spring semester. I chose these interview dates so that participants could continue in their spiritual direction relationship. Each interview was scheduled to last 90 minutes unless the participant wished to continue sharing their lived experience. Some interviews lasted longer than the ninety-minute scheduled interview time. One interview lasted for 70 minutes. The participants were given the option to continue or not as he or she wished and that choice was respected. I gave participants a modest reimbursement for their participation in this study. The use of open-ended questions that focus solely on participants’ experience helped maintain the phenomenological nature of this study. The aim of this open conversational style (Patton, 2002) was to let participants’ voices and life stories be revealed. I developed the second interview based on a review of the first interview’s transcripts. First, I felt it important to clarify and solicit richer data by offering participants a way to add detail or to validate what they already shared. Second, if there was any part of their experience that was not shared chronologically I allowed them the opportunity to add their experiences as they remembered those significant life moments. Finally, this second interview offered me, as a researcher the chance to re-ask some questions from the first session to see if other facets of their lives revealed themselves as well as any participant growth in spiritual intelligence (SI). During this second interview, it was helpful to ask new questions that helped me obtain further insights about the effects of abuse and formational dysfunction, the effects of Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD), and SI growth. Finally, I saw in the second interview session a time where researcher and participants checked for accuracy of the researcher’s tentative preliminary review of their first interview session. The aim of both sets of interviews was to gather as much of participants’ life stories as possible so a better understanding of the effects of ISD in their lives, its connection with SI growth, and how these might be occurring despite their childhood and young adult formational experiences. On the actual day of each participant’s interview I made sure the room was comfortable, bottled water and tissues were supplied, and I set up my ZOOM™ digital recorder. Before we started, I went over the project description again with each participant. I then reconfirmed with them their agreement to have their interview audio recorded. One person reneged concerning the

audio recording and so this participants’ story I wrote down longhand and then I typed up those notes immediately after the interview to make sure his or her story was fresh and accurately portrayed. Ultimately, this dissertation included sixteen participants’ stories for a total of thirty- two interviews. I made nine trips total to the research sites. An additional interview session had to be conducted at on Jesuit University because of an unfortunate setback during the first round of interviews, due to my faulty set up of the audio recorder. I lost over nine hours’ worth of oral testimony, but gratefully all the participants agreed to go through the interview process again. I gave each of these participants additional remuneration for these interviews. I scheduled participants’ second interviews during the months of January and February of 2014. The participants shared more deeply their life narratives during these interview sessions. A very real issue I discovered from these two interview sessions revolved around the deep-seated personal, spiritual, or psychological issues that still needed attention for these participants and as a researcher were beyond my role and scope. During the interviews participants were asked a primary open-ended question, such as, “What was it like for you growing up? Can you tell me about your family, your childhood, your grade school, your friendships, and some memories that you remember fondly and perhaps not so pleasant memories from that time?” For most participants, a chronological framework for retelling their life stories seemed the best option. It helped them to organize their thoughts as it offered an understandable frame of reference to share their life stories. It was also a way to see, over time, the trajectory of their spiritual development. I offered, when appropriate and necessary, prompting questions that provided interviewees an opportunity to clarify or go deeper into a particular facet of their experience. I was pleasantly surprised that letting go of a concrete list of interview questions opened up the space for these college-age participants to tell their stories. This style of questioning opened up a floodgate of narratives not only of their formational upbringing but also of their spiritual development, and how ISD was or was not impactful. Ethical Issues Making sure that any research conducted is transparent, valid, and ‘does no harm’ to participants was the aim of establishing an ethical foundation for research. Since this study examined the effects of Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) in light of participants’ experiences of

formational abuse or dysfunction I provided a strong ethical stance that ensured participants’ well-being. Aware of the capacity for harm that abuse had caused in my own life and in those that I have spiritually directed, the intent of this research therefore was to safeguard against any potential harm. Throughout the entire research I have intentionally infused the care and concern for the other that is the hallmark of ISD as the driving ethical underpinning for this work. I was very cognizant of letting students give voice to their own experiences of abuse, dysfunction, and ISD, and to discover how and in what ways these experiences affected them. Finally, as a researcher, as an adult authority figure, and a member of a religious faith tainted with a history of ministerial abuse of children, I minimized any threat by dressing in professional, casual, and not clerical clothes. I did not identify myself as a male religious at any time during my interactions, nor interact with participants in any manner but as a professional researcher. Sometimes, in an effort to create trust and rapport and facilitate sharing, I did share bits of my journey. Creating the space for participants to feel comfortable in sharing is to risk sharing at times as a researcher, and as a spiritual director. My own lived experiences, those things that lend themselves to trust and rapport, greatly facilitated sharing and ended up, I believe, with some very rich and surprising data. The nature of my own personal journey, my formation, and training as a Jesuit in spiritual direction and pastoral counseling, offered participants in this study a level of trust and comfort. My vocation is based on both a desire to promote higher educational endeavors by conducting research, and in parishes as well as universities to minister out of care. Therefore, although clerical abuse is a sad reality, the desires and gifts of my ministry of care for others and the formation in spiritual direction, along with my own self-awareness of my life story, gave participants who were part of this study the compassionate care evident in the level and depth of their sharing. Despite these sentiments, I cannot discount the possibility that my role as a white male power figure as well as my age difference from the participants might have affected issues of rapport, trust, and may have, unknowingly to me, constrained a free sharing of participants’ experiences. Overall, however, I was impressed by participants’ comfort level and depth of sharing. In listening to the participants’ experiences, and then involving them in preliminary data analysis for participant review an accurate portrayal and representation of the phenomena is presented here.

As researcher, my hope was to keep participants safe, as consciously as possible, from any re-victimization this study may cause. I firmly believe that this pledge was maintained. I was very careful of language, cautious in my engagement in research meetings and encounters, and respectful in relational interchanges so to minimize harm and to keep participants from recalling events they may have found too painful. I established a list of local counseling services at each research site; each participant had recourse to their spiritual director, as well as connection with their university’s health and wellness services for support or to file any complaint. Through the informed consent process, I also gave participants contact information for the advisor of this dissertation, Dr. Judy Rogers, to log any complaint. As of the date of this publication no complaints have been logged as a result of the research interaction process. I maintained and defended confidentiality, by keeping the informed consent files and any paperwork with their real name separated from their transcribed interview data. The transcriptions initially were given a code number, which further distanced the participant’s real name from the story they shared. An Excel™ spreadsheet, which was saved as password protected, on a dissertation dedicated user name in a password protected Dropbox™ file connected participants’ names with their code, and pseudonym, and changed names of any people, places, or things associated with them. I believe I ensured privacy by only having this one document of connection. I used this spreadsheet as a template to find and replace their names with pseudonyms and any other identifiers with new monikers. I only had one additional connection with participants post their initial interviews and that was to show them what of their interview I would use and then to make sure that what I had presented was an accurate portrayal and remembrance of what they shared. I kept participants informed throughout all stages of the study. Direct sharing of preliminary data analysis review with participants and with peers were done either in person at the original interview location on site or through the secure file sharing system Dropbox™. I believe I gave them the honesty, transparency, and inclusion they deserved. Trustworthiness/Rapport My own experiences of abuse, the positive academic and spiritual mentorship I received, and the 15 years of spiritual direction formation, training, and practice, guided me as I offered participants a safe, empathetic, and other-centered space of trust and rapport. Also, through those years I have become adept in creating a space of comfort and prayerful hearing that allows

for students’ ease in sharing whatever the spirit moves them to share. Finally, my spiritual direction experience has created a skill in direction that allows for creative and adaptable ways to ask probing questions that allow students to go deeper in their sharing of their spiritual journey. These developed capacities were of great benefit during the participant interviews. These skills developed after all these years of spiritual direction did indeed translate well into the interview sessions as I found participants shared more deeply and reflectively. I was impressed with the level of sharing and the trust in sharing that these participants offered and thus there is richness in the data that was collected. I maintained rapport as well as trust by asking non-directional, non-confrontational interview questions and by allowing the overall interview environment to be always open and conversational. Polkinghorne (1989) outlines four different concerns regarding trustworthiness relevant to the research presented here and that all researchers using phenomenological research need to guard against. First, “did the interviewer influence the contents of the subjects’ descriptions in such a way that the descriptions do not truly reflect the subjects’ actual experience” (p. 49)? I ensured trustworthiness by having a Jesuit peer reviewer examine the initial open-ended conversation and follow up prompting questions for any undue influence. Based on this peer review, no undue influences, biases, and leading questions were present. I also made it expressly clear at the beginning of each interview session with participants that they were not obligated to answer any question or prompt that they felt uncomfortable in answering. Second, “is the transcription accurate, and does it convey the meaning of the oral presentation in the interview” (p. 49)? I employed Dragon Natural Speaking™ software in order to transcribe the resulting thirty-two audio interviews. One interview was transcribed directly from session notes, as he or she did not want to be audio recorded. I then, shared with participants, if I used a particular passage from one of their transcribed sessions, the passage I selected for analysis to make sure that they were comfortable with what was portrayed. The desire was for the research to present no misrepresentation of the students’ words and voices. Third, “in the analysis of the transcriptions, were there conclusions other than those offered by the researcher that could have been derived? Has the researcher identified these alternatives and demonstrated why they are less probable then the one decided on” (p. 49)? In response, I utilized a Jesuit colleague trained in Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) as a peer reviewer with whom I was in regular contact during the transcription, coding, and data analysis

of this research. The use of a peer reviewer strengthened the results of this study by offering a fresh, impartial, and objective perspective to the analysis of the collected data. He was a sounding board and together we discussed and questioned my codes, findings, and final analysis. I explored with him “my perspectives, reactions, and analyses as [we went] through the research process” (Barusch, Gringeri, & George, 2011, p. 13). Peer review of the analysis, coding of themes, and of deriving the cross-categorical and invariant experiences of participants therefore were validated, challenged, tweaked, and refined through our interaction. A fourth trustworthiness issue asks, “is it possible to go from the general structural description to the transcriptions and to account for the specific contents and connections in the original examples of the experience” (p. 49)? In establishing trust and rapport, I believe this to be supported through analyzing the transcriptions as I felt participants shared their experiences honestly and deeply. During the course of the interview sessions, in order for me to make sure I understood clearly and accurately the stories they shared, I asked for clarifications, deeper explanations, and at times repeated back something they might have said as a means of member checking. Participant quotes used in the analysis of the research were also shared with them for accurate reporting of their life story. During the course of the interview sessions I also, again through participant review and feedback of selected personal stories saw that what was represented accurately described their formational and spiritual journey. I present in Chapters IV and V the phenomenological analysis of the data collected. Methods -- Data Analysis Moustakas (1994) offers a general understanding of the steps to performing data analysis for phenomenological research, which include: Bracketing, in which the focus of the research is placed in brackets, everything else is set aside so that the entire research process is rooted solely on the topic and question; Horizonalizing, where every statement initially is treated as having equal value. Later, statements irrelevant to the topic in question as well as those that are repetitive or overlapping are deleted, leaving only the Horizons (the textural meanings and invariant constituents of the phenomenon); and then, Clustering the Horizons into Themes; and finally, Organizing the Horizons and Themes into a Coherent Textural Description of the phenomenon. (Moustakas, 1994, p. 97)

Following Creswell’s (2007) suggestion for conducting phenomenological data analysis, and in order to meet Moustakas’s guidelines, this research study employed the following five steps: data managing, reading/memoing, describing, classifying, and interpreting data. The analysis of the data collected proceeded as follows. First, I slowly read each transcript in full without marking or highlighting anything that was presented verbatim. Second, I read through the transcripts a second time, marking passages of significance. I then read through the complete transcript a third time to make sure that all passages of significance and only passages of significance were selected. I then removed any statements that were irrelevant, repetitive, or overlapping for this research’s purpose and guiding question. Regarding data analysis, I personally prepared and transcribed, almost verbatim, the audio files of each participant’s two interviews. As a novice researcher, I wanted to have a fairly complete oral record from which to work. I did not want to excise data that might be summarily dismissed. I used three software programs, Microsoft Word™ and Excel™, as well as Atlas.ti™ to organize and to write up memos, transcripts, and the final research that came from the thirty- two different transcripts. For the textural, describing step, I was always aware of my subjective bias, collected from my journaling and memoing that brought to light any personal feelings that affected my objectivity in order to be able to better bracket those out. Any personal descriptors, things that described a participant’s life story, were highlighted in yellow in their transcriptions. Once the participants’ individual stories were analyzed and written out as narrative I then excised anything from their transcripts that did not deal with the effects of their spiritual direction experience. Out of the raw data from those effects from each interview session, I then coded the material, first highlighting significant passages in pink, and then cutting each of these highlighted passages and grouping them into piles for analysis. I then highlighted, after sorting these passages of participants’ experiences using Atlas/ti™, into similar themes found across transcripts and then copied these over to Microsoft Word so to share them with my peer reviewer. My peer reviewer ensured for the accounting of all pertinent phenomena and offered a contemporary’s fresh perspective, affirmation, revision, and refinement. After his input, through a process of sifting and sorting, I developed an initial list of categories or central ideas. In some cases these categories or central ideas necessitated further research and refinement. Out of these categories, I discovered some concepts or universalizing essences that were revelatory (Lichtman, 2010). I then shared with participants of

the study any passages that were used in the following analysis to ensure once again that what was used accurately represented what they shared. In interpreting the data I developed a textural description of what happened, a structural description of how participants experienced the phenomena, and then out of these descriptions “developed an analysis of the phenomenological essence” (Creswell, 2007, pp. 156-7). Textural descriptions of phenomenological data are concerned with the shared or universal ‘what’ of the participants’ experience. The research was intended to create a sense of understanding around what happened to the participants in the study (Creswell, 2007; Creswell, Hanson, Clark, Plano-Clark and Morales, 2007; Lichtman, 2010; Moustakas, 1994; Polkinghorne, 1989). For college students in a spiritual direction relationship and who came from environments of childhood abuse or dysfunctional young adult formational experiences, the aim of description was to frame the factual matters of their experience. The aim of the textural analysis was to expose universal themes of common experience across all participants. Structural description of phenomenological data concerns itself with the ‘how’ or ‘in what ways’ did the research participants’ experience(s) affect them (Creswell, 2007; Creswell et al., 2007; Lichtman, 2010; Moustakas, 1994; Polkinghorne, 1989). As I read the transcripts I highlighted significant passages that related solely to the effects of Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD). I listed these significant passages of the effects of ISD as part of the horizonalizing process, and held these passages with equal value (Moustakas, 1994). Creswell et al., (2007) reinforce that phenomenological analysis is not just concerned with the descriptive experience, but the structural experience as well in that the structural description provides “an interpretive process in which the researcher makes an interpretation of the meaning of the lived experiences” (p. 253). The invariant essences (Creswell, 2007, p. 234) that were being examined here, the research’s purpose and guiding question, centered on the effects of the experience of spiritual direction on these participants. These significant statements were also viewed initially for what they were, having no analytical value, which is the horizonalizing step found in Moustakas’ analytical framework. I then focused on ‘what’ in the formational experiences of the participants was dysfunctional and abusive and from that developed the textural analysis of each participant. After the ‘what’ of the formation experiences I presented a structural description of how that abuse affected each participant. Then, after describing texturally the ‘what’ of the spiritual

direction experience, I presented for each participant a structural description of how they were affected by their spiritual direction. Focusing on the effects of Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) for participants, I arranged these into common meaning units and then essential themes that typified, or were invariant experiences, for the sixteen participants of this study. The guiding question of this dissertation and the fundamental aim of the structural description were to enhance participant, researcher, and reader’s understanding of the shared effects of the spiritual direction relationship for each participant. Interview questions during the data collection phase of research were concerned with the subject of formational experiences of abuse and/or dysfunction and how these experiences affected participants’ self-esteem, capacity to relate with others, embrace of spirit, as well as their intellectual, emotional, social, and spiritual development. In developing an understanding of participants’ overall experience of spiritual direction, the main phenomenological interview questions explored the participants’ spiritual direction relationship and whether or not this was of spiritual benefit. Did ISD move participants to a more developed spiritual intelligence (SI)? Through the analysis of what was essential and universal in the participants’ experiences, this research promotes a powerful possibility for greater understanding of the phenomena flowing from the ISD experience that frames this study’s question and purpose.

CHAPTER IV: PRESENTATION OF PARTICIPANTS’ LIFE STORIES

One of the guiding principles for those trained in Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) is to honor as valid and without judgment directees’ sharing and how the spirit may be guiding them in the spiritual direction process. In conducting and analyzing what the participants shared during their interviews I maintained that guiding principle. If a participant told me they experienced abuse or dysfunction in their life then that was a valid experience for them. If they believed that these experiences affected them in harmful or detrimental formational ways then I held that information to be valid. Their spiritual journey and engagement in ISD and the effects that they felt because of these experiences were honored as well as valid experiences for them. Some of the participants experienced moderate dysfunctional experiences, others abusive experiences. Participants’ individual life stories, which are recounted below, examine what happened to them in their childhood and young adult formational experiences (the textural), how those experiences affected them (the structural), what their spiritual journey and ISD entailed (the textural), and the effects of ISD for each participant (the structural). Matthew Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse Matthew’s interview, based on his request, was not recorded. His testimony presented here is brief, but represents research significant to what happened to him during his formational years, how this affected him, and how Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) led to some powerful positive movements in his life. He is in his late 20’s. He revealed during his first interview session concerning his childhood upbringing that he was close to his sister and brother. However, with his parents, the household environment was filled with father-to-mother and father-to-children domestic violence. Matthew mentioned that he, as the last child born to this family, was often told that his birth was an attempt to save the marriage. The environment was one of physical violence and emotional fear. Matthew always remembers hiding from his father and that intense physical abuse was more often directed toward his mother. Matthew remembers that the normative dynamics among the immediate and extended family was never light-hearted, but often filled with arguments, fighting, and tension. Matthew’s parents divorced as he approached his teen-age years. He experienced not only the reality of the physical abuse from his father, but because his mother was often abused, experienced along with his other siblings, the emotional codependency of his mother. Matthew also remarked that the grandparents on

both sides of the family were also physically and emotionally abusive people, and so the cycle of abuse therefore perpetuated into his own family. Other presenting issues for Matthew are the early death of his brother and his own diagnosis of obsessive-compulsive disorder. Structural Description of the Effects of Abuse Matthew felt that his childhood and formation into young adulthood were fraught with depression, anger at the world, and low self-esteem issues. He remarked that he “never felt happy. I hate my life, I hate me!” The abusive family dynamics affected his ability to find clarity and the capacity to keep his life organized. For him, it was “hard to just be,” for he felt like he was always “walking on egg-shells, scared when the next bad thing would happen.” Matthew also felt the added pressure that he was becoming the parental figure of the family due to father failure, mother negligence, and a heart filled with sibling care. Out of that responsibility and harmful environment he claimed he was a child who “withdrew, isolating myself, and feeling like I never fit in.” As he approached adolescence, based on his childhood, he felt growing anger at the world, lashing out, rebelling, and becoming “a wild child.” Yet, interestingly, Matthew expressed that he “was always worried to lose control as contrasted with my brother who lived life to the full.” Textural Description of Spiritual Direction Matthew was raised as a Catholic, and despite these family issues, the family faithfully attended Mass on Sundays and claimed to be a “faith-filled” family. Catholicism was and is still a large part of Matthew’s life. Matthew was, for a number of years as a child, an altar server, a person who assists the priest during Mass. He also belonged to a parish youth group. He credits a religious brother, a brother being defined as a religiously vowed person who chose not to become an ordained minister in the Catholic Church, for transforming his image of Jesus from being more of “an ‘angry and serious’ God to a more caring, laughing, and loving deity.” In college three important experiences helped Matthew’s spiritual development. The first experience involved religious education classes, offering Catholic Social Teaching (CST) and Liberation Theology that he felt transformed his life. Matthew, at one point much later in his life even discerned a possible religious vocation. A more personal and owned engagement with spirituality, he confessed, was more varied and quite often superficial until he became engaged in spiritual direction. He entered spiritual direction during college and continued on with a

different spiritual director afterwards. He has been in a spiritual direction relationship for six years and overall has found it to be a very positive experience. Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction Matthew had three distinct periods of being in a spiritual direction relationship. The first was at a Catholic University where a religious priest became a mentor and director for him. The second was on a spiritually directed silent retreat. The third was post-college with a spiritual director at a Jesuit university. During college, Matthew felt that spiritual direction helped him “to see connections in life and to talk about family of origin issues. He felt that this spiritual direction relationship mentored him “into young adult, male-hood, and toward spiritual healing.” Matthew called the spiritually directed silent retreat he did in college, the spiritual direction he was receiving and the spiritual books he was reading, “powerful.” He summarized his feelings of that experience in these words, “I felt during that time that every word arose from every heartbeat and breath and things, all things, and all people seemed to radiate God.” He also experienced on that retreat a movement to let go, to trust, and to heal. I remember praying over Psalm 139 of God probing and hearing God to trust and to overturn every wound and I heard God say I will hold it with you and I will be there with you. I found in spiritual direction healing crying and my deep hidden pain and woundedness were let go and helplessness and in direction I was able to let them go and trust. That week left him with “new hope, life, vitality, and a desire to pursue ministry in the religious life as a possibility.” Overall, he feels that being engaged in the spiritual direction relationship has allowed him “to grow into myself and who God created me to be.” Matthew feels that spiritual direction has also exposed him to a vast array of resources that help his spiritual development – from reading spiritual writings, new ways to pray and connect with God, and journaling. He credits spiritual direction with helping see that there was more to his life than his past. Relationally he feels that spiritual direction “helped clarify my life, my work, my friendships and I was able to be a deeper listener to his friends and be more present to them and they were more present to me.” He also sees that spiritual direction was helping him to discern “the vocation question and of deeper questions for happiness that was important for me.” Spiritual direction helped him to discern that his happiness might not be found in pursuing a

religious vocation, but that “God was leading me to work for social justice, as a lay minister, and to move toward married life.” His current spiritual direction has been helpful in alleviating “places of personal hatred and self-scrutiny attitudes.” He felt a movement in this current spiritual direction a movement to self-acceptance “Spiritual direction helped me to get over this and to own what I am about: ministry to poor, solidarity with community, and being more subtle about my ministerial role and inviting people into that.” Today, because of the spiritual direction he has received, he “finds love and support in all things. Today, for the most part, I am happy in every aspect of my life, in this seamless embrace with God and life that was not present but now it is present.” He sums up his spiritual direction experience as follows: My life did not connect and fit in my youth and now there seems connection, and holiness, holiness existent in things greater than me, but it takes time. I guess what I take from this whole experience of spiritual direction is to live life as honestly as you can, be as integral as you can and the love and the grace will be there for you. I feel healed, transformed, and loved. I am excited about living love, living grace, and living out this life with God. God is not distant. God is with me, and this life with God it all belongs. Ruth Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse Ruth comes from a family of six. The family consists of her mother and father, two older brothers, and then a brother closer in age to her. Her dad she characterizes as a ‘workaholic’ and says that she hardly ever saw him. Family dynamics in Ruth’s childhood were problematic for Ruth. First, there was an unwritten rule to not share in the family and to hide one’s emotions. Second, she recalls a lot of yelling and screaming between her mother and father. Third, her brother was always “teasing me, picking on me, and belittling me.” Fourth, her brother was always acting out, adding to the already stressful environment. “When he would misbehave” she states, “it would make my parents upset and me very upset as well.” She would categorize her household as a household filled with lack of communication and parental neglect. At one point antagonism between her and her brother reached a boiling point. It obviously just was not that year, it was years of buildup, feelings that finally came out, and the discussion got into our parents and how our parents raised us and how we do not

show our emotions because they do not show their emotions. We are not to let on that anything is going on because we do not want to worry them or each other and that is a very messed up thing. While she was in college her parent’s first grandchild, a boy, died unexpectedly after childbirth which, given family dynamics was met with silence and depression. A second instance of abuse for Ruth happened in grade school in the form of bullying. She stated that the bullying environment “was always there.” She owned this reality throughout her grade school experience. It added to her “not wanting to be very visible and to blend in with the crowd.” The bullying consisted of girl classmates talking about Ruth behind her back, name- calling, and being constantly labeled a lesbian, especially when those classmates found out she wanted to go to an all-girl Catholic high school. A third abusive formational experience for Ruth centered on romantic relationships in college. These were problematic for Ruth. Ruth had two major men that she dated. The first relationship occurred during freshman and sophomore year of college and ended badly as Paul “closed the door on” their “friendship.” She felt emotionally used and abused while in this relationship. “He was using me, emotionally using me.” The second relationship never fully developed due to a secret hidden from Ruth about Ralph’s previous relationship. “I was noticing a pattern of getting into intense relationships and this one was as intense as the one with Paul.” She was developing a friendship with Ralph and they were getting to know each other. During her college years Ruth was involved heavily in campus ministry through attending and leading retreats and interning there for a while. Students and Campus Ministry staff who knew of what happened in Ralph’s previous relationship (a pregnancy and abortion) were concerned and “kept criticizing my relationship with Ralph.” Ralph did not disclose to Ruth at that time what was going on. “With Ralph there was this past that I did not know about and that people felt that I should because I needed to protect myself in order to be safe and everything.” On a retreat that Ruth attended, Ralph’s previous girlfriend gave a talk and spoke of her experience, and although the speaker did not mention his name in the talk, a light bulb went off for Ruth. “Hey, that sounds like Ralph.” Once he found out that Ruth knew and that she was staying by his side for Ruth their “friendship drastically changed” after that. Ralph distanced himself from her again making her feel used. She claims on the one hand she was being viewed as a Jesus-like figure for sticking by Ralph or she would get looks or glares for being with him.

Also, during her college experience Ruth’s good friend Margaret, was sexually assaulted by her boyfriend, and this affected Ruth tremendously. She worked through these relationships and what happened with Margaret with her spiritual director through Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD). A final major formational experience for Ruth involved a study abroad trip to Europe the summer after her junior year through the University’s honors program of which she was a member. One of their European chaperones attached himself to her, an authority figure older than she is, who started grooming her, spending time with her, praising her, and taking her out for coffee. One day they went to a Catholic Mass together, where this chaperone acted piously throughout the Mass by sitting in the very first pew of the Church and kneeling on both knees when he received communion. They went to coffee after Mass and this European chaperone pulled his chair “very close to me.” Later in the week a group of people went to a concert in a local Catholic church and afterwards the group split off in different directions. Ruth, some other students, and this chaperone passed a gift shop and the European chaperone insisted on buying Ruth a scarf even though she was already wearing one. And that is when it happened he came over pulled the scarf out of my jacket and he is like ‘oh you are wearing a nice scarf already’ and then he proceeded to tuck it back in and he put his hand down the inside of my shirt and grabbed me and that was that. I froze and I knew something bad had happened and I told the two other female students I was with right away. What followed was a lot of negotiation among the American chaperones on what to do and without going into too much detail it was decided that this chaperone was not to be a part of the tour the following year. The more important thing was what happened to Ruth emotionally and spiritually after they returned to the States. Back home, Ruth found herself breaking down during Masses and not being able to come forward for communion, as she was connecting the Mass and communion with the authority figure of the priest presiding at Mass, with the trauma of what happened with that European chaperone. Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse Between the absent father, and the tense family dynamics, she felt she always had to be perfect in academics and in sports so as to not add to the family stress. She “had to be the strong one for them especially when at the time when my mom was upset with my dad or hurting or just

unhappy in general.” Ruth always “felt bad and guilty . . . and wanted to have as little impact as possible and not to cause stress.” “This worry about being a burden on others came out of this family dynamic, because there were four of us, my oldest brothers were in college and graduated and so there was just me and my brother and my parents, and so there was just a lot there.” She claimed to have poor body image issues, which came from this bullying as well as “from the guys because I was not as developed as the girls and then also from societal pressures like this is what girls should look like and this is how you should be dressing.” Concerning the effects of those romantic relationships on her psyche Ruth was feeling lost and questioning her role in those relationships. In terms of spiritually I was feeling overwhelmed and was confused and did not understand what I was doing and what God was doing with me because he was putting all these wounded people in my path, and I was wounded. I found myself attracted to these wounded people and they wanted to be in friendship with me and I was very open to them. Entering college, and before beginning spiritual direction, she brought with her the family dynamics of neglect, the lack of communication and lack of sharing of emotions, the dynamics of her antagonistic relationship with her brother, of always feeling like a burden, low self- esteem, and negative body image. She also carried with her into her college experience this awakening spiritual dimension. The sexual abuse she encountered in Europe Ruth found to be a very traumatic experience. “All these things” (the sexual assault of her friend Margaret, the death of her just born nephew, and the European incident) “came to a head and boiled and I did spiritual direction too because I knew I should not stop doing it. It was hard and I was not too present.” Then I had this bad flashback where I shook for about two hours. What happened was an acquaintance saw me from behind, came up behind me, and grabbed me by my shoulders. He then followed me into the elevator and was just talking to me and I emotionally broke down. I was at rock bottom. With time, talking this through in spiritual direction, but also with her uncle who is a certified counselor, she was able to move to some healing. I did not understand that reconciling a relationship could also mean letting it go. I also realized that when I was having a bad day that I had to say it, and own it, and tell people

about it. I learned that I could count on my retreat team to support me. Part of the distance I was feeling with them was they could tell that there was something going on with me that there was something wrong but they did not know why. They would not say anything to me about it because I was not saying anything to them about it. And so I had to learn to be in authentic community both with others and with God and that was to verbalize when something was wrong and being honest about that and being honest about my feeling. Naming it is a very healing part of the journey. By naming it I had power over it rather than that even having power over me. Textural Description of Spiritual Direction Ruth has been involved in some form of spiritual direction most of her life. She was involved in a spiritual director relationship with her uncle who directed her in general but also directed her on a mission trip to a Native American reservation in Pine Ridge, South Dakota. This uncle was a former religious seminarian who was abused by a priest, left the order, and now is no longer Catholic. She states when she was growing up they talked about spiritual things, family relationships and dynamics, and her feeling that she is a burden on others. She also received spiritual direction on an immersion trip to the southern portion of the United States while working on migrant issues. She has most recently been meeting with a campus minister at her Jesuit university who is guiding her through the framework of Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD). She immediately became involved with the Campus Ministry Department at her Jesuit university and sought out a campus minister whom she had come to know and feel comfortable around and began spiritual direction. She began to be guided by her spiritual director in The Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius and began praying the Ignatian Examen of Conscience, a way to pray where you reflect on your day, looking for where God was or was not present in the encounters and experiences of the person in what you did and in your interactions with others. Other spiritually influential movements occurred in her theology classes, in her journaling, in the social justice work she was doing through campus ministry, and the spiritual reading she was doing at the time. The spiritual direction I did my freshman year centered a lot on not being good enough and working on my self-image. My relationship with God at that time was one of humility but unhealthy humility if that is possible.

The following year her spiritual director and she looked at developing different ways of attending to her spiritual needs and she continued in that spiritual direction relationship until she graduated. She found it a very positive experience. Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction Spiritual direction and Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) have helped Ruth heal from family dynamics, discern and reflect on vocational issues from her two mission trips, and find healing and a movement to forgiveness regarding what she experienced in Europe. When she was in high school, for example, she went on a mission trip that she remarks was transformative for her. The mission trip to the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation was not run through her school but was led by her uncle, the former seminarian and now youth minister, her spiritual director. On this mission trip, however, she found in the austerity of the place and the poverty that “there was no place to hide. I did not want to hide in myself.” A transformation in her view of God and church began to take shape on this trip as she saw that spirituality does not have to be tied only to the Catholic Church. God is outside, is outside the physical church, God was in the people and in nature and I cannot deny the feeling of the sacred all around me for that is what Native American spirituality is, it finds God in all things which is very Jesuit. When she came back from that trip, no longer hiding, she became more vocal about her faith and more vocal in general. I started talking about it and the more I talked about it the more comfortable I was with talking to theology teachers and my uncle about my faith in terms of social justice. I was interested in poverty before that because where I grew up it was a poor neighborhood. This movement into issues of social justice was further solidified on another mission trip to the South, where she worked with the children of migrant farmers. Immersed into that environment, and remembering the poverty on the reservation, she opened her eyes to the “systemic and institutional oppression of the people, especially their rights.” During these experiences, she confided to her uncle, who was her main spiritual director during this time about the closeness of God in my life because until these experiences God was way up there but now God was here [points to her heart] and definitely was inside of me. God was not in some other realm and I started to understand that was not the case and I cried.

Regarding the incident in Europe, with time, talking this through in spiritual direction on campus, but also with her uncle who is a certified counselor, she was able to move to some healing. In spiritual direction she learned the need for honesty in all relationships because of the pain of the dishonesty she received from others. She discovered she had to “verbalize when something was wrong and being honest about that and being honest about my feelings. Naming it is a very healing part of the journey. By naming it I had power over it rather than that even having power over me.” Ultimately, Ruth feels that spiritual direction has helped heal her, helped develop her spiritual side. Through spiritual direction she feels that being in that committed relationship “forces one to reflect on his or her life.” Spiritual direction has helped her to see her gifts but also where she still needs to grow. Being in spiritual direction has also helped her have deeper more honest relationships with others “instead of putting them on the back burner.” Further spiritual direction has immersed her in many different ways and resources that help her engage in the spirit. “He would read me and what we are talking about and then he would recommend Scripture readings or spiritual writings.” We used, for example Dean Brackley’s Discernment in Difficult Times. I have held onto all the readings he has given me, and Scripture passages and prayers, The Examen, and everything. And as the semester went on it was good and I was starting to see things differently or at least to be more open to things, for example, the discernment of the spirits in my life, becoming more and more comfortable with the language of Ignatian spirituality. Finally, she has developed an increasingly complex understanding of how she relates to God and who God is for her. “God is found in the hardness, the darkness, the mess and muck of life, as well as the light and the joy, and I know God wants to be with me through both.” I do recognize that I am more compassionate and I am more aware and spiritual direction has made me a better person but I did not want to go through some of the experiences I went through but I am more for having gone through them. And the question of what all that means, I am still working through it as a whole. I want to go back to my high school and create a center for faith and justice in the high school setting and ‘speak truth to power’ and that is what I want to do and ‘speak truth to power.’

Deborah Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse Deborah had an interesting upbringing with a family life that was filled with insanity, alcoholism, and physical abuse. Her mom’s parents raised her. Her mother and father are divorced and the father now lives in Germany. Her mother was raped when her mother was young and “She is bipolar and not taking medication for it and has a lot of issues.” Deborah was raised as a Baptist in a strict Baptist household. Even though she lived with her mother’s parents, her mother would come over and play with her, surprise her by “taking me out of the house in the middle of the night and just drive for hours. Sometimes it was a fun game but sometimes it was absolutely terrifying.” She recounts one harrowing account: My mother had tried once to take me when she found out she was pregnant with my little sister. She miscarried and she wanted me with her so she just took me one night. And that night was kind of scary she came in with a gun for she was a cop at the time, which is a very poor choice obviously. So it was very scary and she was very scary because she actually thought she was going to have to take me by force from my grandparents. And my grandparents were saying “just drop the gun and take her and bring her back in a week it will be fine.” And so she took me with her for a little while. Deborah’s upbringing and home-life were also chaotic. The grandparents’ home was also a foster home filled with long-term foster brothers and sisters or more short-term ones that would come and go. Because of this she is fearful when people leave her and she tends to “latch onto” people when around. She has this fear of people leaving and never seeing them again. Finally, her stepfather was also “very, very abusive” and she did live with him and her mother until it was decided that it would be better for Deborah if her grandparents raised her and her younger sister. She recalls an instance when her stepfather came home drunk, “which he often did” and he passed out. He suddenly awoke “and I do not know what set him off but he started shoving at my mom and so I picked up Denise my sister and I tried to hide with her in the bedroom.” Deborah picked up her little sister, who was born after her mother’s previous miscarriage, and ran to the bedroom closet. Her little sister is screaming and Deborah is worried about the step-dad finding them “because I am so afraid because I have seen him hit mom you know I seen him break her bones.” Fortunately, he knocked over a glass lamp, it shattered, he stepped on the shards, and this kept him from reaching them.

Deborah was also sexually groomed by a male high school teacher and faced briefly a questioning of her sexuality. Another important formational event happened when Deborah turned seventeen. A high school girl friend of hers told Deborah that she had a crush on her. Deborah although hesitant at first stated that “she never wanted to date a girl but we can give it a go if you like.” They dated for a couple months, but then Deborah stopped it because “she was not into it.” At the same time they both had a favorite male teacher who was constantly praising Deborah – something she did not always get at home. Another teacher in the school went off on Deborah one day to which her favorite male teacher defended her. After that second teacher left, while in the staff room now alone, Deborah kissed this favorite teacher and he kissed her back. And as you can assume, that led to nowhere good. I may be seventeen at the time. He was thirty-five. So this relationship continued off and on for a while. It developed into a relationship for a while. It was kind of weird I mean when the kiss happened it was just he and I in the faculty lounge. Deborah claimed that the relationship never was sexual, just kissing and fondling, but came close one night at the teacher’s house where Deborah and her high school girlfriend had a sleepover. She rejected him “and he got angry with me.” Eventually, this all came out and the teacher was dismissed from his teaching position. The only stability and safe space she found, where she was not taking care of everyone, was at her work in a town store. A place where she could be “happy, and bubbly, and be energetic and off-the-wall and be myself to an extent because at home I could not be anything.” Her relationship with her girlfriend from high school ended and she started dating a friend she knew since fifth grade, Ron. Her relationship with Ron was also a pivotal and troubling formational experience for Deborah. She started to go back to church while she was dating Ron, a man she dated for eight years, and an atheist. “If I wanted to go to church and be involved in it you know he was fine but he did not want to go, he did not want to hear about it, and he did not want to talk about it.” The last four years of that relationship ended in a rocky manner as Deborah slowly started to awaken to the reality that Ron was emotionally manipulative and abusive. “It was a growing resentment of that kind of attitude, of being told what I wanted, who I could spend time with, and he did not like any of my friends so I just kind of grew out of the relationship.” All of this happened when she was attending a Jesuit university.

Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse Out of this family environment, Deborah claims to have suffered as child from extreme night terrors. Also, born of these family dynamics Deborah claims to always want to make people happy and that “no matter how grumpy you were I was going to make you happy.” I was always aware of how people act and react around me and I was always trying to be aware and want to make everybody happy because of all the craziness that was going on and the abuse. I was good because I had to be good. She was also deeply affected by all the people, family members and foster children, coming in and out of her life. “I am still very anxious when people move or I do not see them for a while. I will latch onto people when they are near or close to me, and I realize it is irrational.” There is always that fear of people leaving and never seeing them again. I guess because of how much fluctuation there was with parents and grandparents in foster children and my mother not being part of my life that there is the sense of always being abandoned and experience of not being secure ever. So there is always this feeling of a lack of ties or impermanence in relationship that makes me anxious. Family life, but also faith life with the “Baptist wrath of God message, but a loving and benevolent God if you were good” further fed her desire to make people happy. She recounts a story of one of her friends from Bible school who was adopted and that “her parents would scald her in the bathtub when she was bad.” With all that was going on in Deborah’s life, and then seeing what was happening with her friend, Deborah finally started to question “If God is good, why does this happen?” Deborah also suffered in her teenage years from Toxic Shock Syndrome and was in a coma for a month and a half. Her grandfather who had raised her suffered a stroke “which was awful for me.” With all of this Deborah at this point in her life gave up on religion. I did not come to the point where God does not exist. It was you are up there, and I am angry, and I do not want to be bothered with you and I do not want any interaction from you I just want you to leave me alone. The episode with her friend and then what happened with her high school teacher, she shared, “made me more withdrawn, depressed, and hesitant to rely on anyone for anything. But it was sort of this final feeling that I was on my own, my parents cannot take care of me, and God is this awful horrible thing who likes to torment people.” Deborah, however, said all of

these experiences “solidified her role as a caretaker” for she did not want any other people to hurt. Spiritually, the connection or relation with God further eroded. “I guess I abandoned the idea at that time that God cared. God is not paying any attention whatsoever.” While working in town at that store she claims a shift in her relationship with God occurred over time. She remembered the intense love of God when she was a child but also the fear of God. “I was one of those kids who used to walk outside when it was raining and I was just super excited ‘thank you God for this rain!’” She claimed that during this time of her life post-high school she wanted to reconnect with that intense love, yet she was still angry. It was definitely a struggle because I did not make that connection of knowing that just because I was angry at God did not mean that I was not in a relationship with God or that God wanted to be even in a relationship with me. She sums up her childhood and young adult formation in this manner: You know and then just Ron’s negative outlook on life and everything in the world and his connection with everything science. So in those childhood experiences you kind of build up a lot of resentment and tension in having to be on guard and I think that kind of seeps over into all aspects of your life with meeting new people, with anything. So no matter how loving I was, no matter how much care I gave to other people, you know, I sort of, I dealt with depression during that period. I dealt with a lot of anxiety attacks. Textural Description of Spiritual Direction After Ron, Deborah had a more significant and healing relationship when she met Jacob. Jacob, a Catholic, she commented, was the exact opposite of Ron. Jacob was a “person of faith and someone she could talk with about her spiritual struggles.” Jacob, she says, “is very happy, very giving and the most compassionate person I ever met in my entire life.” She realized “I have enough things in my life that are sad and I have to deal with I want to date this guy.” And although she was still Baptist, her new boyfriend Jacob, who belongs to a Catholic young adult group, asked her if she wanted to go, “to which I replied ‘no but thank you for asking.’” He kept asking and Deborah eventually went and kept going, developing friendships along the way. “And I was slowly having my faith life coming back as well and I could feel my anger at God lifting a little bit but I still had my temper tantrums if you will.” Next, Jacob started asking her if she wanted to come to Mass with him. “I said, ‘You are out of your tree no thank you! You enjoy your purple Kool-Aid and have fun with your

flamingos.’ I do not think I had a clear understanding of the Catholic faith.” Eventually she converted to the Catholic faith through the Rite for Christian Initiation of Adults (RCIA), a catechetical, prayer centered, ritually experienced year of study before a person enters into full communion with the Catholic Church. During that process, not only was she now a member of that same young adult group, and a member of a Catholic worshipping community at a parish on the campus of a Jesuit university, but she also started seeing a spiritual director on campus. I think that a lot of the spiritual direction and guidance I was receiving, and I do not know how involved God gets with plotting out or interfering with people’s lives, but there was the Divine pushing me back to a spiritual home. Had I not ended up with Jacob, and the young adult group, and this RCIA process, and I could have ended up at a different parish, but the spiritual direction that I have been receiving has been wonderful. She is happy being involved in this Christian young adult group, receiving spiritual direction, and growing in her faith. “Being involved in spiritual direction as well as my young adult group has made a difference in my life and it makes a difference all the time.” Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction She feels that Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) has made a difference in her life, made her less tense, more able to find new ways to adapt, more compassionate, more able to let go of the past. ISD has also helped her better relate to others and then “let people love me because I know it is done now out of love. I think I am also a happier, healthier person as well because of spiritual direction and all these faith movements.” Her spiritual direction and growth have given her peace. “I think a lot of it has been sort of, I am not as tense anymore. I still have the need to detail and outline, “here is what I am doing with my day,” but if something goes wrong . . . it is not the end of the world.” She also feels that spiritual direction has helped her self-esteem, and healed her so she can engage in healthier relationships. “So through spiritual direction I have been finding new ways to adapt, and I think I am also a happier, healthier person as well because of these things. I do not feel quite so put upon by others in a way.” Spiritual direction has helped boost her self-worth and to love and be loved in return. I am finding it easier to let go and let people love me because I know it is done now out of love. So I guess because of the love and support and this community the way I love his changed I no longer feel I am forced to love people but I want to love people out of

love. I can actually focus more on spending time with the people I care about and giving them proper attention and no longer from a space of constant frustration. She also is growing in self-confidence and awareness of her gifts. She recognizes her strength to give not because she needs to, but that she “can do this because I want to do this. I can do this because so many other areas of my life have opened up that I have a greater capacity to be able to do this.” She finds opening herself up to developing her spirituality in spiritual direction wonderful and that it “has given me a more positive outlook on life in general.” Spiritual direction has helped her recognize the sacred in the world and in herself. “I find the sacred everywhere and I am incredibly blessed to be in working with animals,” for I see “the sacred in them, and all the people where I work that are care keepers.” Where I am in my life, and in my spirituality, for me now not to see the sense of the sacred in that and in me is impossible. I see it in the animals and the plants in my coworkers and myself and it is a great and beautiful place. Further, spiritual direction and being a part of that young adult group have made her grow in the life of virtue. She sees herself being less judgmental of others, less angry, and less put upon in her interactions with others. “I think the spiritual life and spiritual direction has helped me to try to understand compassionately where the other person is coming from.” She finds now that there is good in everyone “and I have to find it because I know I am not perfect but I am good as well.” She finds also that spiritual direction has helped her develop the confidence to be a leader. She feels the confidence to lead “because I want to.” She also realizes that her brand of Christian leadership is going to be unique to her. “I do not necessarily need to go be a disciple in the way that is knocking on doors and say excuse me but have you heard the good news but through my lifestyle and who I am.” She centers her Christian leadership on being able to relate to others “in a more Christ-like way of being, in a more holy way or just be a better more loving and compassionate person.” Her image of God has transformed through the spiritual direction process as well. She went from being angry with God, knowing that God was there, but that she wanted God to stay away to where she is now as “something beautiful.” Deborah seems to have had a complete transformation about who God is for her from the God of her childhood. The God she imagines now is a God who cares for her, has healed her, and brought her to peace. The relationship with

God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit she believes is an “ever growing and ever deepening relationship over time.” It was more like a gradual reopening my heart to the existence of Christ and slowly moving all those obstacles out of my way. And I am just sort of getting back to that happy relationship that I have enjoyed since with God. It is still ongoing. Deborah feels a shift has also occurred in how she views herself and how she relates to others. She feels that spiritual direction has helped free her from fear and worry and because of this she is less concerned with how people perceive her. She is “not worrying all the time about whether or not I am upsetting people and not having to be cautious.” She feels more honest with herself, more honest with other people, and is growing in her capacity to be compassionate. I am more genuine in the things that I do and I can love more freely. I can care for more people with more intensity. I can have more compassion for people outside my immediate spectrum you know because I have more time to care about them because I am not worrying about things all the time. Spiritual direction has allowed Deborah to be more “a happier person with myself because of spirituality and spiritual direction.” It has given her the space for a more reflective discerning heart that surrounds how she lives her life and how she relates to others. “I am a little bit more self-reflective and that allows me to be a bit more graceful and a little bit more loving at people that I do not necessarily know and being a little less quick to come to some snap judgment.” Deborah also feels that she has grown in her comfort in spiritual matters and around the use of spiritual resources to help her spiritual development. She engages these resources on numerous levels from Internet searches, scripture reading, books on spiritual matters, faith sharing, and she finds solace in Christian music. Now if I am sitting on the couch and if someone says something spiritual I am thinking, “What, that is interesting” and then I am wondering how it relates to ‘x’ Bible passage and then I will just Google it in my living room. Or you know I am looking at a couple of the spiritual books for the faith sharing group but also for my spiritual journey and there are six religious books sitting on my counter. My roommate likes to sing to Chris Tomlin (a contemporary Christian singer) while he is cleaning the house.

She feels she is definitely more comfortable in using spiritual resources and applying what she learns in them to her life. She is “definitely more comfortable with it because it is something that is much more prevalent in my life.” Spiritual direction has also helped transform her prayer life and how she prays. She has moved away from “a bunch of structured prayers.” She feels “it is more a conversation with God now, ‘well this is going on, and this is going on, and this is broken and can you fix that and it is kind of an all-day kind of conversation.” She also finds comfort in a Catholic religious community as contrasted with the Baptist community, which she had described as filled with the notion of both a loving but wrath-filled God. While she was discerning whether to become a full member of the Catholic Church she had a divine moment in community where she felt welcomed and she credits spiritual direction with allowing her the openness to be able to encounter such experiences. I was praying to God and I said to myself “God I know you do not do favors just to people because they ask you to,” and so we are all just kind of kneeling at Mass, and I asked God “if this is where you want me, and if this is where you brought me, and if you legitimately want me to do something here, and that is why I am here and you have arranged so many things in my life to bring me here, just give me something give me a sign.” I do not need the church to be set on fire. I do not need you to walk over and shake my hand just a little something. And at that moment a woman friend was on one side of me and my boyfriend was on the other and both of them reached out to me and squeezed my hand, just ridiculously completely uncoordinated. It was just very well timed, and I said, “Okay, I will take that.” I think that I am here for some reason and so I wanted a sign of it. It definitely had an impact. Finally she sees herself growing into spiritual leadership and discerning her vocation in life in conjunction with her faith. She plans “to still be with my young adult group and be spiritually directed.” I do not have any grand visions. I want to be a mother, and have some trajectory in my life. I would like to do something meaningful and leave some sort of impact whether it is through spirituality, or the work I am doing, or through raising awesome kids, or just someone who is being an inspiration to other people in some way like, you are super nice

and compassionate and I like that. Compared from where I have been I am very happy with my life right now and I would love to start a family. Sarah Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse Sarah comes from a family of four, her mother, father, another sister and herself. Sarah’s mother and father both have PhDs. Sarah’s father was a violent and emotionally abusive man. She describes him as not “the greatest of men . . . he was too broken to even have a concept of what it meant to love, he was never loved so he never knew how to love.” Both of Sarah’s parents were victims of abusive childhood as well. Sarah’s dad was sexually and physically abused by his dad and “his sister and him used to sleep with knives in their bed” because their dad “would bring his friends over, to like, abuse them and everything and like, his dad, like, killed off all of their pets growing up.” Sarah’s dad physically abused her mother. Sarah knew that her dad was abused before she knew about her mother. Sarah describes growing up for her sister and her as “a very violent environment, more emotional, psychological, terror.” Her parents eventually separated and her dad went to live in a different house in the same city. She offered examples of him “chucking plates across the room,” forcing mom out of the car, chucking dirty diapers onto the ceiling so that its contents stuck among many other outbursts and demeaning sayings. Sarah remembers a time when he was screaming at her at the top of his lungs at her when he picked her up from school. She was so scared she asked him to take her home and she never ever again visited dad at his house. Her sister, though, continued to visit him. One time when Sarah’s sister was waiting to be picked up by her dad, and her sister was not ready, the dad in a fit of rage smashed two French doors in the house so hard that all the glass shattered. Finally, in a straw that broke the camel’s back moment, Sarah’s school had a father- daughters dance “and I was like, ‘Do you want to go with me?’ and he told me ‘no’, and so after that I was just kind of like, fine, screw you, I am done.” After all of this, in her late childhood, Sarah’s dad hit his head, and they found a Mass on his brain and while he was in the hospital during a family visit “he thought our mom was conspiring to kill him.” He escaped from one of the best hospitals in the Southern state where they lived and returned to Mexico because he did not trust American doctors. After that, Sarah replied, he never returned to his actual home just to the Southern town where they lived. Sarah

looked up to her mother, first from overcoming her childhood abuse and being relatively sane but also for living through that marriage for so long. And sometimes, I want to say that “Lord that is not fair like. Do not make her have to be so freaking strong, it is not right.” But if it was not for her, I do not know where I would be. Yeah, I just do not know, she did her best like, granted, growing up I did not have a parent, like, I was at school from six AM to six PM, because she was working full time. And she had to work full time and she did not have the luxury of being a part-time worker and mother. In middle school and high school Sarah was involved in a number of Catholic youth groups affiliated with the schools. She remembers a time when an external Catholic youth organization came to her school, and leaders sat her and her classmates down in front of the Eucharist, or Jesus’ body, and she had a “mini-conversion.” Catholics believe that Jesus is and truly present in the host and the wine as Jesus’ body and blood. This mini-conversion experience and her sharing of it with classmates led to Sarah’s additional abuse experience, as she was bullied and shunned by her female classmates. This group of girls, whom she was friendly with before, now called her “God-girl” and wanted to have nothing to do with her. One girl from the group came to Sarah later saying that they could be “secret friends.” A third experience of abuse for Sarah occurred with her relationship with her first boyfriend. Her first boyfriend in high school was involved in drinking and drugs, and although she might have consumed alcohol she never partook in drugs. Her boyfriend she claims was “emotionally manipulative and abusive.” They were together for three years and Sarah broke off the relationship right before coming to college. Three major dysfunctional family episodes affected Sarah greatly. The first was that her young sister was a drug addict. Second, since her younger sister was visiting their dad more often than Sarah, her dad treated Sarah’s sister in a hurtful way. Sarah’s dad would tell Sarah’s sister quite often “I would kill myself if you did not come see me.” Finally, a major traumatic event involving Sarah’s sister, Sarah’s mother, and Sarah herself occurred when Sarah’s mom discovered by accident that Sarah’s sister was pregnant and that her sister’s boyfriend convinced her to have an abortion. He convinced her by saying to her “either you have an abortion or I am going to kill myself.” The event came to light after Sarah’s mother found an ultrasound in Sarah’s sister’s bag.

Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse Sarah, from a young age, was responsible for many things since her mother was always working and because of her dad’s abusive nature and later absence. By the time she was eighteen she was taking care of all the household finances, her younger sister, and anything related to household management. Sarah claims that since her younger sister spent more time visiting with their father that her sister had more issues to deal with. “She is just beautiful and broken there is no other way to put it.” In grade school, when Sarah had her ‘mini-conversion’ this is how she experienced that event: And I just like, broke down, it was the first time I came to head with the woundedness, the first time you just kind of sit in front of Jesus and you are thinking, “Alright, there is this stuff that is going on in my heart and I just do not know how to handle it,” and when you are twelve, you like, definitely do not know how to handle it. Regarding her sister’s pregnancy and abortion Sarah eventually felt pressure from her mother to take charge of the situation. Her mother coerced her to be the one to talk to her sister. “My mom is calling me, ‘Hey, talk to your sister.’ Like, ‘parent your sister’, because I am the second parent, like, that is what you do, I am no longer my sister’s sister.” Further compounding the dynamics of what was going on with her sister and mother was the notion of loss. The loss of that child through abortion left a hole in each person’s heart. Sarah’s sister mourns, for “she no longer has a child, but I also mourn for I had a niece or a nephew that I no longer have, and my mom mourns because she had a grandchild that she no longer has.” This made Sarah question God all the more and the anger she had at God over this incident was transferred back toward her dad. “I think that, and then I get mad at my dad all over again, because I am like, ‘If you had been here, if you had been the man that you were supposed to be, this would not have happened.’” Sarah felt the absence of a positive male father figure whenever there were father- daughter events at her high school. And although Sarah graduated from high school with a 3.5 grade point average she had a very low self-image. “I just had it in my head that, like, I was not good enough, and I that was not smart enough, and I was not pretty enough, and that I was not skinny enough and I was not enough, period.” She always thought her mother would abandon the family as well. “When one parent leaves you kind of wait for the other shoe to drop. You

just kind of wait for the other one to say, ‘Okay, bye’ like, because you, that is like, what you assume.” Textural Description of Spiritual Direction Sarah just assumed that her home life was normal until she went to a Jesuit university and was placed in a service learning residence community with five women and four men. She stated, “I just had no concept of like, what it means to have a man in the house.” Living in that community she got to hear the life stories of her roommates and how they were raised, which were eye opening for her. Also, positive male roommates surrounded her. “They are amazing guys who are the best guys I could have ever possibly asked to live with. They would walk me home from somewhere, come and get me or, if I need someone to talk to and talk something out and need advice.” Interestingly, upon entering her Jesuit university Sarah turned to religion and entertained the idea of becoming a nun. She stated that she knew this was not how it works but this is what was going on in her mind. “Well, if he does not want me, nobody is going to want me, so I might as well enter a religious community.” She found a lot of growth in college through a good core group of friends who were active in their faith, positive male role models, retreats, and spiritual direction. Sarah was also involved during college in Life-Teen, a young adult and teenage ministry affiliated with a local parish. Sophomore year of school was pivotal for Sarah for as she engaged more with the faith dimension of her life in young adult ministries, engaged more with spirituality on campus, and venturing into spiritual direction she began to notice subtle transformations. During the summer between her sophomore and junior year she did a service program through Life-Teen, which she found formational especially concerning how she viewed God. Initially she was hesitant to meet for spiritual direction with a man because of her history and she said if I thought of doing this “ten years ago, I could not.” During this time, however she started to date another man on campus and he too was a drug user who was emotionally abusive and “knew what to say and how to manipulate me.” They kept breaking up and then getting back together during her senior year and finally broke up senior year shortly after when he asked Sarah to lie for him in order to protect him from his ex-girlfriend. These relationships, family of origin issues, and her forays into being more in touch with the movements of the

spiritual in her life convinced her in her sophomore year to engage in Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD). Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction One transformation related to a growing self-awareness from spiritual direction and from her spiritual journey was that she needed to, despite her insecurities, share of her gifts more. “I am starving people of the gifts that God has given me, why am I not sharing those gifts that I should be by hiding behind insecurity.” This growing awareness continued into junior year of college into heightened awareness of the need to be “authentic in community and in relationships with others.” The summer service experience with Life-Teen was another transformational experience that she processed in spiritual direction. First, she saw her image of God being transformed. “It was formational for me because you are doing behind the scenes stuff, you are finding God in the ordinary, and you are doing the mundane for the glory of God.” Second, growing awareness of the lives of others and increasing empathy for the lives of others developed through engagement with the spirit and spiritual direction during her junior year. During that year she also became more reflective on her own journey and what she wanted to do with her life. “I do not think people realize and I guess this is true for a lot of people, people do not realize what a lot of people are carrying around with them.” Finally, the connection she experienced in spiritual direction coupled with the abusive experiences in her life helped her focus her vocational discernment. “What we have gone through as a family has greatly challenged me with what I want to do with my life, who I want to be, discerning, what comes next?” As she finds increased healing in her own life there has been this movement in her heart for social justice leadership “to help young women who have been abused, neglected, suffered from depression, eating disorders, abortion, all of that. I want to do something that is with them, because I know it.” She is looking at a summer service project the summer in Denver with pregnant homeless woman. Spiritual direction she claims, along with living in an intentionally Christian community on campus, has been “profoundly healing and profoundly life-changing.” She finds in the Jesuit priests on campus and her Jesuit spiritual director a positive counterbalance to the negative male figures in her history. She also finds a positive male figure in her male youth minister and sees in him the “true fatherhood of him in drawing out my gifts.”

Between the movements of the spirit and what was happening for her in spiritual direction and then the tension between boyfriends and friends in general she did not want to “live this dual life anymore.” God was telling her, “I need you to be whole.” During this time she was still discerning a possible vocation to religious life. Further, she came to realize that she has a deep appreciation and gift for music. On the retreat she discerned finally that religious life was not God’s vocation for her. Spiritual direction has moved her from “a false sense of what it meant to be on fire for the faith” to embrace, because of what her sister went through, a holiness, a healing, for her and for others who suffer, “where God works through suffering.” Concerning suffering she makes the claim that “God is bigger than that, God is so much bigger.” Finding courage and confidence from her spiritual pursuits and spiritual direction she has found herself taking a more active role in Christian leadership. She and “a bunch of her friends started a Catholic women’s group on campus to share faith around women’s issues.” Spiritual direction was moving to a place of healing where God was saying “Let’s make you whole. Let’s make you integrated.” Going to Mass, praying, journaling, youth group, and spiritual reading were additional resources Sarah used to engage her spirit. Prayer has transformed as well from rote, memorized prayers to “having conversations with God all day.” One particularly poignant moment that her spiritual director led her through was to imagine an event from her childhood and find where Jesus was in the event. She remembered being picked up from school by her dad, who was screaming at her at the top of his lungs as he sat beside her. In the spiritual directed imagination exercise she looked over “and saw in her dad, Jesus. The image I had was Christ sitting in the passenger seat and him hurting, too. And he was saying to me ‘I am sorry.’” She claims that being engaged in spiritual direction has transformed her from being “awkward in her faith” and away from the stance of “it is me against the world” to “finding God, the sacred in all things.” A growing awareness is happening within her as she claims to embrace the fact that God is with her “in the darkness, in the poverty, and in the suffering of the world.” She noticed these things during her summer service trip after her junior year when she went to Ghana and in the encounters and experiences she had there. She also found that her developing spirituality and spiritual direction sessions were helping her find her voice and stand by her convictions. One particular event where she was able

to defend herself and her desire to work for women’s causes occurred when a husband and wife team who were the lead ministers on a mission trip, both conservative Catholics, tried to convince her that a woman’s proper vocation is in the home as wife and mother. She held her ground and told them “why would God want to limit women in that way?” She entered spiritual direction claiming to “put my spiritual pieces back together” and to discern “where I could potentially be called.” She believes that a “lot of healing has started with spiritual direction as well as an increased sense of confidence.” And I just want people to know their worth because it changes everything, when you know that you are worth it. Not, not in a prideful way…or in a conceited way, but just in a, it is so, it is so freeing being able to process that over the past, four months, six months, whatever in spiritual direction. To finally see myself as God sees me. ‘Okay God, here I am, all I can offer is me. I am ready to show you what it means to just go love people.’ Mary Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse Mary’s mother and father raised her in Southwest Ohio. Mary’s mother and father remain married to this day. She has a younger brother and a much older brother and sister. She went to Catholic schools all the way from grade school to the Jesuit university. Her mother’s parents died when her mother was quite young and out of that experience and reflecting on that her mother always used to say to Mary whenever something bad happened in Mary’s life that “everything happens for a reason and you have to trust in God’s plan.” Another family-related incident that affected Mary’s life was when a cousin of hers died in a car crash around the time Mary was sixteen, and because of that her parents became “smothering.” They were protective before, but they became super protective. Even when I turned sixteen and got my license I was not allowed to drive unless it was a ten-minute radius of my house. So I was not allowed to drive to different places and they were very protective of whom I was out with and stuff, which again amplified the ‘I do not feel like I fit in already’ and then you throw in this layer on top of it. In grade school “with some of the students I was bullied a lot and they would tease me just because I was not from where they lived.” These students she said would bully and tease her or use her to help them do her homework “and then they would drop me when they did not need my help anymore.” There were two physical incidents where she was kicked and fell against a

wall and another one where a girl classmate scratched up Mary’s arm. Mary felt that she “could not figure out who was going to like you that day or not and that was difficult.” She also had a ‘cousin’, who was not related to the family by blood, who would often “belittle” her and said to Mary one day, “you will never have a boyfriend; you are not good enough to be able to go and get married.” Mary shared that those messages stayed with her and affected her. During grade school God was for her very distant, “on a throne sort of a Santa who is always watching.” In high school there was much death surrounding Mary’s family. A cousin was “killed in a car accident.” Her grandmother on her father’s side had a stroke during Mary’s first year of high school, dying her sophomore year of college. Finally, an uncle died of a brain aneurysm her senior year of high school. Leftover messages from grade school and from her cousin who belittled her made her feel like she “was not good enough to date people.” Another formative incident for Mary was when a friend of hers who was a great dancer had to withdraw from school under suspicious circumstances with rumors of sexual abuse happening to her, and then got sicker and sicker, but Mary never knew truly the real reason. One day she was no longer Mary’s friend and “that was hard.” Mary had two significant romantic relationships in college. The first she describes as “nice, but it did not last very long.” She dated a man for three years and then broke up with him right after college. Her second relationship was more traumatic for Mary, as her second boyfriend was not as nice as the first. He was, she shared, “emotionally abusive and it was awful.” They dated for two years and the first six months were fine but then “some things started coming up and it was five days would be good and two days he would be in a really bad mood and he would tell me that it was my fault for that.” He was also never satisfied with her appearance wanting her to “change this or that or if you would please go out and get a tan.” “I knew it was not normal, but still that was when the voice of my cousin came back and said it you do not deserve more than this.” Mary saw that he came from an emotionally abusive father and she witnessed his dad berating his new wife when Mary visited. “I witnessed some things and said that is not OK and that is obviously why you are treating me like this because that is what you’ve been raised with.” She felt it was his own insecurities and lack of self-confidence that he then projected onto her. Mary eventually had enough and broke up with him after two years of being together.

Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse Mary self-identified with the messages that came from the bullying and from her cousin who belittled her, kept refusing to let Mary hang out with her as not “Being cool enough, and told Mary often that “you are not good enough to be able to go and get married.” These things affected her self-image in a negative way as she identified with the messages and in the back of her mind Mary in some ways felt she was unlovable. All that literally stayed with me until recently I figured it out. It is as if a seven-year-old came up to me now and said this would I heed that message, NO. But if one of your peers says stuff like that it stays with you. In high school, carrying these messages forward, she “still did not feel I fit in 100% because I was still on the outside of the world and I did not feel I could manage the things that were going on after school or on the weekend or whatever.” When Mary was sixteen, her cousin’s death from a car crash and her parent’s subsequent movement toward being super-protective of Mary because of the crash “again amplified the ‘I do not feel I fit in already.’” So, in high school with all the negative messages about her from the bullying and from family relationships Mary said that she had “the mindset that you weren’t good enough to date people.” Reflecting back on it now, after being in spiritual direction for a while, Mary is able to see the incongruity between what was happening in her brain concerning how she identified herself and how others, especially boys, perceived her. Now when I think of that it is kind of funny, because when I go back to high school reunions, all these guys will say stuff like “oh my… I had the biggest crush on you in high school! I had no idea and it was because of those childhood experiences with the bullying and what my cousin said so I did not even think that anyone would be interested in me. So that is been sort of interesting to sort through and figure out what your perception was and, because it can be different from what is going on with others but it is because of your preconceived notion. The loss of her friend who was a dancer was very hard on Mary and she blamed herself and “felt it was my fault that she did not want to be friends with me anymore at the time.” Growing up, Mary claims she did not have a “positive self-image.” She had trouble in prayer and in relationships “trusting” God and others in her life. “I felt I had to control my prayer life,

control who I was in relationships, so I would pray but I still felt I need to control these things because I felt I did not have the trust or the faith or whatever.” Textural Description of Spiritual Direction A personal experience that helped form her spiritual life happened the summer she interned overseas in London. She was homesick her first three weeks there and found out Simon and Garfunkel were playing a concert in Hyde Park. She did not have a ticket, so decided to just sit on a park bench and listen to them play. All of a sudden, she says, “this song came on and it was “Homeward Bound” and so here I am I only want to go home, basically talking about how homesick I was and then all of a sudden God was there with me. I said ‘oh my goodness, this is the first time since I have been here that I do not want to be somewhere else.’” Looking back now I felt I could talk to God in a conversational way, but it was more like I felt it. I was able to feel God’s presence where I was just by being in the present, which was something that I think had been lacking until that point. So that was just an amazing experience, it was the summer that I grew the most. Mary came from a family who valued their Catholic faith. Mary and her sisters and brothers all had a Catholic education from grade school to college. In college Mary started taking her faith more seriously, went on a number of retreats, programmed through campus ministry. In her senior year of college she found a young adult group that she which has helped her develop spiritually. She finds this group, and the spiritual direction she is getting, all helping her toward many personal, relational, emotional, and spiritual transformations. The group participation and spiritual direction have lasted for four years now since graduating college. Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction Mary stated that as she spiritually developed from grade school through college her self- image changed for the positive. “In grade school I did not view myself in a positive way.” Then in high school she felt more confident but not part of the “cool crowd” and that not “everyone wanted to hang out with me.” Her confidence came from a growing awareness of her passions and gifts for dance and music. College retreats and spiritual direction meant that “everything shifted and it was when I figured out everything.” Mary remembers feeling allowed to be more outgoing on a college spiritual retreat. Her spiritual life and involvement in spiritual programs and direction she determined offered her a place of inner strength when dealing with a break-up or when bad things happened.

“I went through a break up a year ago now and it sucks, I hate it, but at the same time it was more like praying more to find the right road versus going to try and get that person back being the first thing.” Fortunately, her spiritual work and her joining a young adult group in her parish helped her to “rebuild” herself after her experience with her second boyfriend, and she came “to just understand that God makes everyone to be who you are and not to be anyone else.” She feels at that low point in her life she “did not have any other choice but to turn to God.” The youth group she belongs to now is very much her spiritual home. The members share their faith, do bible study, read spiritual books, go out and engage in social justice ministries, invite speakers, go on retreats, do social things together, and some of them are engaged in spiritual direction. One of the areas of growth for Mary because of this engagement in direction is a movement out of her introverted self and when mad at someone not “shutting down but having a lot more compassion for people.” After that relationship there was a time Mary conveyed when spiritually she, “needed to be healed, to build myself back up, and get my confidence back,” which she feels she has. She now sees God or the sacred “in every person.” “So I try not to talk badly about people or I try to give people the benefit of the doubt more because as God is in everybody it changes how you respond to them.” Faith is for Mary a “trust that there is something greater than we can see here, an unfolding that even though bad things happen God is with you, good will come of it, and growth.” Mary’s spiritual work has also helped her see how all of life, “her friends, her work, her relationships, her family, her social life, her passions are all connect and contained in her spiritual life.” They are not separate and distinct but all interconnected. She also feels a deeper confidence in sharing her faith with others and is more committed to working for socially just causes. She has come to see the Sacred “in herself, in nature, and in others.” I think that God is definitely in me and that there is something sacred in me and he put me here for a reason and my job is to figure out what that reason is and go out and make the world a better place. Mary sees spirituality and the spiritual resources she has come across, as a help to reframe in a more positive and healthy light who she is.

So do not say I am lazy, I am messy or I am this or I am that. You may have done a lazy thing, or a messy thing, but that does not make you a messy person. Because when you go through life with that mentality, then you all of a sudden make that your baseline. One of her overall goals now that she continues on her spiritual journey “is to help make the lives of the people around me better and to sort of be a light for them and to help them see God through me.” She also sees God working with her during difficult or bad times. “I think specifically in the bad times, for me at least, is when I see God the clearest.” She also loves the support she receives from her Christian community that come together to support one another during those bad times. I think that God is in the world, even in people who do not think he exists and even in those situations and I think that even in bad situations, good will always be surrounding them and I think there is always more good than bad no matter where it is and I think that is how I look at how God is present in the world, love will always triumph no matter what. Eve Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse Eve comes from a town in Pennsylvania where she grew up with a younger brother and her mother and father. When she was five her parents divorced and “they did it in a way where they lied to us,” telling Eve and her brother that her dad was “going over to some apartments to fix them up.” A few weeks later they were told he was going to buy furniture for the house and he never came back from that shopping spree. After the split, whenever they were visiting their dad, Eve remembers “not going over to his new apartment but to this woman’s house that was just separated from her husband. She had children as well and “since it was her house her children had bedrooms whereas me and my brother slept on the couch.” Eve’s mother suspected that “Eve’s dad was cheating on her with this woman.” The atmosphere in this new house was filled with yelling and screaming and if Eve’s dad made a suggestion as to how to raise her kids his new girlfriend would become “very defensive.” “Her kids tried to get away with things and that would cause friction with my dad.” Eve and her brother spent the weekdays with their biological mother and then on the weekends would spend time with Eve’s dad and this new woman in his life. On one visit Eve saw a ring on her dad’s

girlfriend’s hand and Eve “found out they were engaged.” Eve and her brother were upset with their dad for not telling them or asking their approval. Due to the tensions in the household, with the girlfriend favoring her children, her children getting away with murder, and the yelling and screaming, Eve’s “dad started drinking a lot.” One traumatic incident for Eve involved a particularly tense night when her dad had been drinking. The girlfriend’s son and Eve’s brother were sitting on the couch. “Her son was heckling me and calling me names and I was ignoring him and not giving him any attention but eventually he did not like that enough where he took a can full of beer and poured it on me.” Eve responded by screaming out an expletive. Her dad came into the room after drinking a lot, for “beer cans were everywhere” and he ended up yanking Eve off the couch and “jacking me up against the wall by my throat screaming at me telling me not to use that language.” Eventually Eve’s dad and girlfriend bought a new house where there were bedrooms for everyone. Another troubling memory for Eve revolved around her friend Patsy that would come over to the house frequently. The daughter of her dad’s girlfriend befriended someone that Patsy was once a friend with and Patsy “discovered this girl was sending naked photos to some guys.” So Eve and Patsy tried to warn the daughter of the girlfriend “trying to look out for her” who then told her mother. The girlfriend said to Eve’s dad, “that Patsy was never allowed to be in the house again and started calling Trisha and me names and told us we were liars.” Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse Her parent’s divorce was devastating for Eve and she took it very hard and was very emotional over the break-up of her parent’s marriage. “In school I would just break down and start crying.” Eve became very suspicious of the adults in her life due to the divorce and all the lying. When thinking of her mother, her father, and this new woman in her dad’s life she “internalized it all, was very emotional, and set off by the smallest things. It was usually with my dad when I was set off and he would never understand why.” After the physically abusive episode with her dad because she swore she “slumped to the floor confused, hurt, and betrayed at the fact that she got yelled at and the girlfriend’s son did not.” Eve mentioned that growing up in that environment she was suicidal. “I prayed for death every night. I just asked to be taken away in my sleep in sixth grade.” Yet, even though during this time she questioned God a lot, one night she began to pray, and she prayed for her dad especially. She claims that night was a pivotal night in her prayer life and her beginning to develop a personal relationship with God.

I remember that night I felt extreme peace and I knew that I was okay and everything would be okay and I had God on a much more personal relationship and I started investing more in my faith by just praying. After the incident where her Dad’s girlfriend called her and her friend Pasty liars, again Eve felt betrayed and she “realized I could not associate with my dad’s family since it was completely hurtful.” Her father’s only response to the incident was that it was “wrong,” but he “never did more than that nor did he reprimand his step daughter.” Eve and her dad stopped talking to each other after this event. The one thing that was a constant in Eve’s life through all of this was her prayer life and a desire to grow in relationship with God, who she “felt had my back.” Romantic relationships and dating for Eve because of these betrayals by people in her life who were supposed to be loving role models made her hesitant and cautious about “love conversations.” The actions of a boyfriend further added to Eve’s cautiousness. “He was a boyfriend who told me he loved me,” yet Eve found out that he “cheated on me with his ex- girlfriend.” During the Christmas break of sophomore year in college, Eve found out that her Dad was going to marry his girlfriend. Her dad was not going to tell her but she found out when a co- worker of her dad’s whom Eve had gotten to know was going to text Eve about the wedding. Eve’s dad found out that a text message was going to be sent out and so he told the co-worker that he would call. Eve had one follow-up phone call after the announcement of the wedding that she said was an “absolute screaming match where I just brought up everything from the past: the abuse, the alcohol, everything and just pointing out ‘you haven’t been healthy, this hasn’t been healthy, and it is never going to get better.’” She and her brother were not invited to the wedding. Textural Description of Spiritual Direction In addition to her prayer life and doing retreats both in high school and in college, Eve was involved in a ministry at her Jesuit university where she and some other students on campus would go down to spend time with the homeless of the city in homeless camps. They would bring food and clothes and just spend time getting to know the homeless of the area. The student community that developed out of this social justice faith-based program was something that Eve “had a lot of support and love from.” In sophomore year Eve felt her spirituality becoming “dry” and know she needed something to help it come alive again so she signed up for spiritual

direction on campus. Her experience with this spiritual director was neither bad nor good. Eve would claim it was good but it was very superficial for her whereas she wanted to be challenged to go deeper. She was assigned someone randomly through a spiritual direction program on campus. Those sessions were about daily life and what was going on in Eve’s world, which was not what she desired. I just never delved deeper into it and she never forced me to either, not that that is good or bad, but after a while I felt I had to impress her because I did not know her. And so it was just this, ‘oh you are so great, and that is so great that you are doing this and you are doing that’, and I was just being affirmed all the time. So I was not being challenged, which is what I needed, to be challenged, at that point. In junior year she began to hang out more and get more engaged with campus ministry. Being around the office more she began to know a Jesuit priest who worked in campus ministry. She wanted to know him because he would be one of the staff leaders on an alternative break trip that Eve was joining. After Christmas break she went on an eight-day silent spiritually directed retreat and was assigned this same Jesuit priest. Since she knew and trusted him, she “opened up a lot.” He was the only person on campus that I told about the extent of the abuse with my dad, and everything, because there was that trust that had been established, and that is what this spiritual direction space is for, I guess, to put everything into context in trust. The one powerful direction she remembers being given on this retreat was to just sit in the silence and “accept Christ’s love for you, all of you, sit on your hands, no reading, and no busy work and just let God love you.” Eve shared that, “it took five days to let God love me.” She continued on with him in spiritual direction after the retreat, a positive experience for her. “Spiritual direction was this continual positive context where he would tell me about his spiritual direction and his things, so it was a nice solidarity thing. I am all about solidarity, I am struggling, and so too is someone else struggling.” Through spiritual direction she found healing and an inner confidence. For Eve this confidence was evident when during the alternative break trip to Ecuador, where she was a co-leader, her other co-leader dropped out and she had to become the student in charge of all the faith sharing, prayer services, and reflections. Her Jesuit spiritual director came on this trip as well. Eve felt it extremely helpful to have him there to process what she was experiencing. In spiritual direction she was able to reflect on her love of

the people, her frustration in not knowing the language, as well as spiritual matters regarding family issues that were cropping up for her because of what she was experiencing on the trip. When she came back to campus the fall of her senior year she wanted to continue spiritual direction because she realized that to grow in the spirit one needs to pay attention to it and spiritual direction is one way to do that. “I learned that when my spiritual journey is going good, everything follows and when it is not it becomes this lackadaisical thing. I learned the importance of taking care of spiritual life.” Eve wanted spiritual direction to be about reflective discernment on vocation, on what to do once she leaves college, “a year of service, or graduate school.” Meeting with her spiritual director that fall, however, her director discerned a call to do a different ministry than higher education. The spiritual director would be leaving at the end of the fall semester. “I feel I have made all these strides with this director and now what does that mean when he leaves?” Eve said she now distanced herself from spiritual direction, because she did not know how to handle the fact that her spiritual director was leaving, and she had started seeing a new boyfriend. Her spiritual director noticed the distance and knew about the new boyfriend and challenged her: “well, why aren’t we talking about it?” That Christmas, Eve went on another alternative break, this time to Nicaragua. An important spiritual experience occurred when a Jesuit priest, who was part of the revolution there, spoke to her cohort. Reflecting on his talk later she came to this deep insight. [This priest] was talking about the love of Christ and it hit home. He was a person where love exuded from him. It was just, this is what I felt like one year ago, that I could see this love and recognize this love and receive this love. I know this love and receive this love and I want to go out into my next and last semester and embrace that. I knew everything would be fine then, and everything would be okay because of that love of Christ that was pointed out to me from his talk. Eve tried to find a new spiritual director through campus ministry when she came back. Eve approached a woman who initially agreed but then had to back out as spiritual director because she was going through some personal issues and “did not want to project that onto me.” She then approached another priest on campus and they met but as they were relating at some point the priest went off on some “huge tangent and all these anecdotal stories.” Even though these two experiences were disappointing, she still realized the benefits of this type of spiritual interaction. She also came to realize that you have to lay some ground rules as the directee and

let the director know what type of spiritual direction is more beneficial for your spirit. She spoke one day over Skype with that one spiritual director she had a positive experience with about this issue. His advice to her was that sometimes you need to direct the director to help them to remember, “it is my time.” Eve has been in three different spiritual direction relationships. She was excited to start meeting with her first spiritual director, a laywoman, but in the process Eve felt a resistance to engage and felt like the actual sessions as “superficial and shallow.” The second spiritual direction started on an eight-day silent directed retreat with a Jesuit priest in the spring. After the retreat she continued seeing him for the rest of that year until he left the university the following Christmas. Direction with this Jesuit priest was positive for her. She felt that he “was the only person on campus that I told about kind of the extent of the abuse with my dad, and everything, because there was that trust that had been established, and that is what this space is for.” After a rocky start with her third director, another priest, she has had to be clearer about what type of spiritual direction is best for her. She is still struggling with her faith, and her relationship with Jesus has had its ups and downs since the second spiritual director left and now that she is working with her third spiritual director. She knows what works for her because of the good relationship she had with her second spiritual director. Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction Spiritual direction, especially with her second director, helped her to “put everything into context, which I did not understand about that in Spiritual Direction, I had not found out how my own context.” Eve has found the spiritual direction moving her to holistic healing and helping her to “progress” and grow by making connections from her past, how she relates to herself, to others, and how God fits into her growth. My whole life had just come together; connected to what I was experiencing now and how they could be related in so many ways. Because I was seeing my life more as an uphill, progressing, evolving thing, rather than still making all these connections; I was always just completely moving on, but that not being the case. So, that was great! Eve also felt a movement toward gratitude for things in her life and the ability to just be grateful, without needing to immediately go out and work in a for a Catholic social justice program because of it. She felt she could just be in God’s love, let God be with her, love her, and heal here and just be fine with that. Spiritual direction was helpful because she:

realized throughout my life I had had this extreme gratitude and love for God and Christ but did not accept that love in a complete way back then because I would feel like God would try to talk to me and I would think, “Oh, that is great, I am going to go do this, I’ll go feed the homeless, I’ll go to this service, like, thank you, I got it, I am on it,” you know, I am on the mission type of thing, I am trying to live your life, do not bother me with it, I am just trying to do it. So instead she was moved in spiritual direction during the retreat with her second director to just rest in God’s love and be loved and healed. She remarked that her spiritual director told her not to read any scripture during the retreat. “And I am like” ‘You are telling me not to read scripture?’ And he’s like, ‘you cannot, do not open any books. Do not do anything. Your goal is to sit there and accept Christ’s love for you, holistically.’” Overall she feels that spiritual direction has “definitely made a huge difference in how I am spiritually” and even if she and Jesus can sometimes still “be on a rocky road” she knows that he is there and “it is still personal, and there are a lot of moments where I can just contemplate something going on in my life and I imagine Jesus is right there with me.” Spiritual direction has been “helpful and what has gotten me through this spiritual journey in a lot of ways especially in those questions I have got to ask of myself and Jesus and pry into a little more, and make those connections.” Spiritual direction has helped her be more reflective and discerning about her life but also about what comes next vocationally. Spiritual direction “definitely made a difference and I can say that spiritual direction is something that is helped me in life and when I went and looked at graduate schools as well.” Spiritual direction has helped her frame the question of what type of spiritual leader she will become. She is considering a master’s program in theology at a Jesuit university, a program with an active spiritual direction program, for “that was something that automatically attracted me to it because I wanted that and knew I needed that.” In her spiritual direction she feels she has been “affirmed in a lot of things and I think in our own lives we try.” I am at least a big controller, I try to control everything, and control my own emotions – where in spiritual direction I have always felt so affirmed. If you are sad be sad, it would be silly not to be sad. It is legitimate. This happened, this is going on. It is normal to be

sad. It was just that reaffirmation too, that everything I was going through was not silly and I was not being ridiculous. A big movement for Eve coming from spiritual direction has been the ability to see how things in life are inter-connected “holistically.” She sees spiritual direction reconciling her past with her present and sees that her emotional, physical, intellectual, and social life are all interconnected with her spiritual life. Life and spirit are totally integrated and it is the way that everything ebbs and flows together. I think that is what I got out of spiritual direction, is not to compartmentalize – well this is my academic, and this is spiritual, and these are my relationships – everything came into that spiritual space and was up for grabs – everything comes together. That is what spiritual direction has helped me to do – try to not compartmentalize and just make connections through everything. I just feel that I am holistically feeding myself. And as I said, when I go into spiritual direction, and I have those great moments, I feel everything in life just follows – that spiritual journey, that spiritual path. Not that everything becomes rainbows, puppy dogs and sunshine but it is just that being able to process everything a lot easier; being able to understand my own filters, my own biases and my own context and process the discernment. She finds in the direction process the ability to reflect on where God is in her life and to realize that all things are interconnected for her, and God is now in all things. Spiritual direction has also helped her to find her own voice concerning what is important for her spiritually and the ability to have the confidence to stand firm in her convictions. She wrote, for example, on a social justice issue for her end-of-year thesis and stood her ground when a more conservative Catholic friend challenged her. She finds herself being able to hold her own in spiritual matters and things important to her, a way of being and relating that is drastically different than how she felt about herself growing up in the formational environment that she did. She believes this voice is leading her on to some major vocational decisions involving an advanced degree and working as a leader for socially just causes. She feels spiritual direction has made her relationships with others more authentic, deeper and more mutually sincere. She is “able to dig deeper into my relationships because of spiritual direction and understanding how all this stuff in my life has affected me.”

When I am in relationships with people I ask those revealing questions because I understand how important they have been in my life, to have someone understand that, and so if I can understand people in that way, it is just so powerful and so much more than surface level. Eve also feels spiritual direction has helped her find her true identity and embrace the sacred in herself, others, and the world. I think that my spiritual direction has helped me to connect with my true self a lot more and to cut out the bull. It is not just going through the motions. It is about what is going on in my life – this is great, this sucks, where is God? It is just permission to struggle and permission to be happy, see the holy in you and all around you, and you just have that space in life that is totally for you and for God too, and for Jesus to be in that space. And we try to carve it out in a lot of ways. I actually do not like that I just said “carved out,” it is not just that, outside of life, it is not just this other things, it is totally integrated and it is the way that everything ebbs and flows together. Spiritual direction has helped me find the space to find me, me in relation with God and with others, to find confidence and things that matter to me spiritually and from a social justice stand-point, to feel healed of things. So, it is been great. I have had to go through the bad to know the good too. And I know what works for me and what fulfills my needs. Miriam Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse Miriam was one of the youngest participants in the study and not as reflective as the other participants about how her formational experiences and spiritual direction affected her. She came from a family of six: her mother, father, an older brother, herself, and a younger brother and sister. She grew up in an Eastern Seaboard state. Her older brother is studying to be a Catholic priest. Miriam attended Catholic schools from grade school through to college and currently attends a Jesuit university. Her first remembrances of Catholic education in grade and middle school were externally driven, learning the prayers, learning about Jesus, praying, but it was a spiritual development without understanding or ownership.

I think in middle school it was still standard prayers. And I went to Mass, altar served, and I enjoyed doing that, but I guess I did not understand a lot. Also, we took religion classes, but I think it was more like I would learn it to get a good grade. She played on the volleyball team in high school and initially loved it. At the beginning of her sophomore year the team had a new coach who “changed my position” and did not play her as often. He also did not lead or control the team well, so that some of her teammates “would walk over to the coach and run the practice themselves. She did not like these girls because of that and because they acted inappropriately when boys were around. “They would lift up their shirts and stuff. I just did not like it or them.” Miriam would often speak glowingly, in one sentence, about people or experiences, for example, her family, or certain friends, or her high school years, and then in the next sentence start to go into some of the dysfunctional aspects of those relationships or experiences. The dysfunctions in Miriam’s life revolve around three things: a constant comparison with her brother, an antagonistic mother/daughter relationship, and a less than always present male father figure or overall familial support. She stated that these were difficult moments for her and affected how she related to others, how she viewed herself, and how she viewed boys in college. Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse Although Miriam would claim that there was no significant abuse, two dysfunctional dynamics in her family led to some problematic behavior for her. First, her brother the seminarian, whom she says she loves, is also someone she compares herself to stating that, “if anyone is the black sheep in the family it is me” and of her brother, “he is the saint, the seminarian. He is the closest thing to Jesus for me.” A second dynamic is a very antagonistic and emotionally charged relationship with her mother. Miriam describes this relationship as one filled with her mother being over-protective and not giving Miriam her space, which leads to Miriam acting out in angry and in mean ways toward her. Connected with anger at mom were stressors from high school, especially revolving around changes in being on the volleyball team, a new coach in her sophomore year that did not play her as much and who lost control of the team. Miriam felt increasing frustration with teammates who “were taking over practices, messing around, and being inappropriate” and so she would “on the way home, if I had a bad practice, I would just take it out on her” mother. Miriam shared an experience that she calls one of her “strongest memories” of her anger toward her mother occurring after one of her volleyball

games. A third dynamic revolves around absent or unavailable male figures, a brother and a college friend both studying to be priests, and an often absent father whom she says she loves, but is “super quiet, super nice, and never gets mad.” One of the strongest memories I have is one day after a volleyball game where I was angry because I did not get a lot of playing time. Both of my parents were there and my mom tried to come up and give me a hug or kiss and I just shoved her off because I was so angry. I was just being bratty, and I said, “Get off me, that was such a bad game, I played horrible,” and yelling at her and stuff. And then I rode home with my dad, and my dad is like, he is super quiet, but super nice, and he never gets mad, and also I have never ever heard him cuss before. And so we were in the car, and my mom called or something to just, I do not know, called my cell phone to tell me, “Oh no it was a good game,” and to continue the conversation, and I yelled at her, I do not know, like, “Do not tell me I played well if I played horrible. I hate volleyball, blah, blah, blah…” Right, so I just yelled, took it out on my mom and yelled at her and stuff and was like, “Why did you even come to the game if I was not going to play a lot?” So then I hung up, and my dad was quiet, and then all of a sudden he was like, “Your mom loves you, and I love your mom and I am not going to have you talk to your mom like this.” And he said, “You are being a pain in the [expletive].” It was the first time I remember being terrified of my dad. Outside of her relationship with her brother, Miriam hardly mentions any male role models in her life and only rarely mentions her dad. She had a relationship with a student in college but he too “was studying to be a priest.” It is of interest to note when asked what her image of God was back then growing up in her family she responded “like a man in the clouds. Pretty distant I would say.” She felt alone in high school, especially her freshman year, and “it took me a while to make friends.” This coupled with the family dynamics became a source of frustration for her. “I would come home and argue with my mom and everyone in my family was up against me for I was just getting angry about silly little things.” Of interest, and quite possibly because of her formational upbringing with male relationships that were either idolized, such as with her brother “the saint” or with a less than dynamic father/daughter relationship Miriam felt like, “for some reason when I got to college I felt that any person I met could be my husband.” She brought up this movement of seeing every

guy as a potential husband a number of times throughout her interview and so this is an important part of her family experience that affected her. Textural Description of Spiritual Direction She feels in high school she started to practice her faith and develop her spirituality in a more owned way. She went to Mass, started going on retreats, started praying more intently, and “hanging out more with people from my Church, which was good.” In college she credits her relationship with her spiritual director, the head of campus ministry, at her Jesuit university with helping Miriam to “embrace her faith more and to own it” for herself. Her faith life and spirituality because of spiritual direction have become “definitely deeper because I love to talk about my faith in God, and so it made me more aware of who God is for me and how God is in me and a God who is all around.” At her Jesuit university she discovered on a retreat that she could have a spiritual director on a retreat and after the retreat continued spiritual direction with the same person. She brought with her to her spiritual direction the dysfunctional experiences of her formational upbringing. She wanted to enter into a spiritual direction experience at the recommendation of her brother. “He always said that every Catholic should have a spiritual director.” She has been seeing her spiritual director since the beginning of her first year and goes to spiritual direction “every other week.” She went into campus ministry and had an appointment with the Director of Campus Ministry to see about finding a spiritual director. In the midst of this meeting Miriam started to share her faith journey and out of that sharing the director said that she would be happy to be Miriam’s spiritual director. Miriam found the spiritual direction relationship with her director positive. Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction Miriam found the spiritual direction process helpful in numerous ways. Miriam, being the youngest participant in this study was not as forthcoming or reflective with her sharing. This dynamic led to not a lot being said but she is included in this study because she did convey that spiritual direction affected her in positive ways. She credits these meetings with helping her refocus a sense of sacred concerning her life, how she relates to others, especially more spiritual ways of relating to boys. “We talked a lot about boys.” So spiritual direction made me more aware when I was with other friends, which friends of mine are comfortable talking about, or we would just be talking and God would enter

the conversation, so it helped me realize which of my relationships are built on faith, so that strengthened my relationships with others and I started to see myself and others as sacred. And also I could just be friends with, guys again and not like, you know “they are going to marry me.” She also credits spiritual direction with helping to find equanimity in her life and “balancing studying all the time, exercising, prayer, service and all that.” Her spiritual director “brought awareness to balance and also to take time out of the day for God.” She also credits the care she received in the spiritual direction process with not only offering balance but also easing her transition when she first entered college especially when Miriam was homesick.” “She just kind of helped me through that a little bit and helped me feel like I fit in.” Miriam feels that being engaged in spiritual direction has helped her to sort things out in her life, to be exposed to different prayer forms, to examine other world religions, making her appreciate and “understand why Catholicism is for me the way to go.” These experiences included comfort with spiritual dialogue, faith examinations, different ways to pray “for example, to imagine yourself as a character in the Gospel,” and how to be more “discerning and reflective of where the Spirit is leading me.” Miriam said that bringing her theology classwork into spiritual direction and the spiritual and theological reading there helped her to come to know her faith better. “If I were to read something and not know how Catholics felt about it, she would help clear it up for me and things like that.” Miriam also started to journal about spiritual matters this past year as well. She finds that this journaling has made her closer to Jesus, and has allowed that relationship to bring her to more healing in her life and with less anger. This semester or this year I definitely focused on my relationship with Jesus as more of a friend who is there for me, to be with me, spend time with me, heal me and I am a lot less angry now, and so it has helped a lot. Yeah, I just feel Him as a friend now, so I pray to Him a lot. The exposure to diverse spiritual resources allowed Miriam to find the confidence to “be more open about talking about my faith.” The time in spiritual direction has helped Miriam grow in her capacity to be more reflective and to discern important matters happening in her life. “I definitely feel I am more reflective right now.” She has found the ability to slow down, to bring things to prayer, to reflect in a helpful and constructive way. “When I, for example, when I am making decisions about

something, instead of just making a rash decision, you know, now I just pray about it, which is not something that I did before.” Miriam also enjoys “at the end of the day, in the evening or something, to quietly sit and reflect on my day, which is something I have never done before.” Spiritual direction has helped her to be more compassionate and forgiving of herself and her family dynamics. She conveyed that, reflecting back on that experience of being picked up after a volleyball game, processing that in spiritual direction has helped her “change and try and be more appreciative of my mom.” Also, Miriam, through campus ministry, and out of her spiritual direction relationship, has grown in leadership roles and service. She works at a soup kitchen, is becoming a retreat leader, is active in a Catholic young adult group on campus, plans on moving into a Catholic women’s house on campus, and “is trying to understand if I was being called to a religious life.” Finally, she believes spiritual direction has helped her to have deeper and better quality friendships. Spiritual direction “helped me realize which of my relationships are built on faith, so that strengthened my relationships with others not just Catholics but with all peoples.” She feels that spiritual direction, especially surrounding relationship building, has given her the confidence “to be firm in her faith” but also to be able to “explore and discuss other religions with other people.” Finally, spiritual direction has helped her explore healthier and more realistic attitudes toward romantic relationships and tempered her belief that every guy might be the guy who is going to “marry her.” Anne Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse Anne comes from a family of four: her parents, a younger brother, and herself. She attended Catholic school all her life and her mother is a lay associate of a religious order, someone who works alongside the members of that order but does not necessarily take vows of chastity, poverty, or obedience. Anne revealed that she does not like to be the center of attention and that vis-à-vis her brother she has the stronger identification with her faith. The family dynamics is not healthy, with the brother a major source of friction in the home. “He has struggled a lot growing up with getting in trouble in school. When he was little it was just little things and as of recently it is been a lot of bigger issues.” The neighborhood where Anne grew up was in “a rougher corner of town.” Anne was never “allowed outside at night” for there was “minor gang activity in our area.” Family

dynamics changed drastically when Anne reached high school. Her mother was diagnosed with a chronic and potentially terminal illness that left her incapacitated. Her brother, who still lived at home, was becoming more than a handful, and it was difficult for Anne to be away at college, knowing her mother’s plight, and the parents having to deal with a troubled and troubling son. My brother is consistently getting in more trouble in different ways since I have come to college and so that has continued as well for him just mixing with the wrong crowd and peer pressure. So it has been hard for me to leave home and seeing myself flourish and him kind of anti-flourish. It was hard with my mom being sick and trying to support the family and then my brother being a jerk. It took a while for me to convince my mother to come to me with things. She did not want to bother me or tell me what was going on. She did not want to worry me. She worries about his deplorable state in life and things going down and she just wants to move on and hope the problems go away. Anne feels that she has been emotionally placed in a caretaker role with her mother. “I think emotionally I am her primary caretaker.” The pain and suffering that her mother is going through is very tough on the whole family and Anne claims that this reality “is depressing.” Compounding this for Anne is her “brother, who does not help out at all.” Another thing that affected Anne adversely in her family life was her relationship with her dad. Anne felt that her dad was an absent and neglectful parent and she feels that with her dad it “was a very surface relationship.” “Growing up my dad was not present and we did not have a close relationship.” She was actively engaged in high school and found friendships in the theater working on stage crew, and loved her experience and teammates in track, but disliked the “catty girls” who were on her volleyball team. “I did the volleyball team just freshman year in the fall and I was bad at volleyball and I did not like any of the girls I did not get along with them.” Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse Anne’s relationship with her brother has been a major source of dysfunction and disappointment for her. “I wish we had a stronger relationship and I try because I feel that somehow, you know, I have failed as a sister and this is why he turned out this way.” In many ways, given the surface relationship with her dad who was not “present,” the stressor with a brother who causes the family grief and a mother whose health is failing, Anne feels like she has had to be the parent at times. “Since I am not physically at home I cannot help with stuff that is

hard on me when she needs help around the house and I cannot be there.” She feels always caught in the middle in most of the family drama, and family life is a definite worry for her. She is the one who has to mediate family disputes. She was put in that role at a very early age. “So most of the problems in the house come to me so when my brother gets into trouble and my mom gets frustrated.” Her mom comes to her not only with problems with her brother but Anne’s dad as well. Although Anne does not represent a home life of extreme abuse due to neglect, there was neglect on the dad’s part that affected her negatively, and other family dynamics added to her pressure and stress. She also finds that stress from home translated to stress for her at the Jesuit university she attends. This stress can be overwhelming in her struggles, for “there is just stress at both places. And I feel that I worry a lot more than necessary, you know.” She has a hard time saying no to things and being able to let go of her anger at family dynamics and filling her time with things instead of dealing with those things that cause her stress. She feels stressed out about family and college, but then adds to that stress by doing too much. “Instead of just, because I feel that I am going all the time and just spread so thin doing all good things, but when you like, spread yourself out too much, then you cannot give yourself 100% to anything anymore.” She feels that her life and things in her life are draining at times. “I mean life can suck you up, it sucks you up so quickly.” So based on her family dynamics, feeling that she is the parent and mediator of domestic drama, not feeling very supported at home, all this has made her embrace her Catholic faith more and in a more conservative, traditional way. “It is kind of weird to my family that I am sticking to my faith and that I do things that are faith-based such as spiritual direction.” Her grasp of a more traditional way of practicing her faith she says “was a way of gaining some stability in an otherwise dysfunctional and stress-filled upbringing.” Another presenting issue for Anne is to find “a place to fit in” while struggling to claim her identity as a person and as a woman of faith. A constant theme in her story is always struggling with discernment, fitting in, with tensions between the more liberal side of the Catholic faith and her embrace of the more conservative elements of the Catholic faith. She thought of leaving her Jesuit university and transferring to what she felt was a university with more Catholic conservative values and faith practices.

Yeah, and I was like, was not feeling the Catholic vibe and it frustrated me and I always wondered why I had not gone to another school and I filled out the transfer paperwork, like, three different times for this more conservative school and it was just like, I was very unsettled. She struggles to find friendships with like-minded people and tends to be dismissive or judgmental and mistrustful of people who do not share her brand of faith practice. She went on a leadership retreat her first year of college and although she enjoyed the experience overall she tended to befriend those of similar conservative religious perspective. She tended to only develop friendships on the retreat with people who were similar to her conservative Catholic orientation. “And like, I am still such close friends with a lot of those people, but I just met very genuine people. I mean, obviously not all of them, there are some people who I just do not even know who they are anymore.” Overall, she is frustrated with her Jesuit university and the campus ministry department there for not being Catholic enough and for not promoting spiritual programming such as spiritual direction as much as they could. Concerning spiritual development and spiritual direction Anne had this to say about her experience, “and I feel the people who are not looking for it they need it anyway. But it was because I was actively looking for it and struggling to find it, that I was being left so dissatisfied.” But, people who are, people who were similar to me, who went to Mass at the smaller chapel on campus, I found community there, I found community in service, different things like that. I got involved with other retreats in Campus Ministry and just, tried to do that and tried to find some kind of spiritual home at this university, but I kind of, but I had to piece it together myself, you know? It was not evident to me and the university as a whole is very lacking in that. Ultimately, she decided to stay at her Jesuit university and try to fight to make it more Catholic. “I saw how solid the faith was there at Franciscan University in Steubenville. I kind of got here why did not I go there a part of me was thinking I cannot just run away from it I might try to do something about it while I am here.” Her formational experience led her to find a spiritual home that offered her stability in place of the instability of her home life. This affected how she practiced her faith, who she related with, her not being able to necessarily trust those who were not as “similar minded.” “I think I have pretty developed faith life for someone so young. I

consider myself very blessed because I know a lot of people might go through a struggle with faith but for me it has been something consistent and stable in my life.” Textural Description of Spiritual Direction Anne was in two different spiritual direction relationships while she was in college. The first time she entered into a spiritual direction relationship was when she was in a “crisis of what I wanted my major to be sophomore year, the sophomore slump kind of thing and I was freaking out.” She went to career counseling and “it did not help because it was lacking the focus for me that I am going to do things because of my faith.” She found it interesting that her career counselor promoted spiritual direction as something that might be of benefit. She was surprised that it did not come from the Jesuits or from campus ministry, but from an administrative department of the university. She wanted to go deeper into discerning her vocational question tied with her faith values and to promoting her faith. She yearned for deeper conversations around this struggle and she was not finding the necessary support from other students she knew on campus. I am trying to figure out what God wants me to do I am trying to discern, I am trying to, you know, trying to… this is the basis for these choices, like, that is something I cannot talk about with some people because they just like, you can try but it is just like, they do not care. But it is when people are saying, “So how have you been? How has praying about this been? Where do you kind of feel God can use you the most?” You know these sorts of things and it just adds that whole other element. She is very interested in working for the pro-life movement and feels ostracized for her stance from other students and “condemned for being traditional.” Anne felt that to get to those deeper questions, being involved in Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) with a Jesuit would help her with the discernment process. She found her spiritual direction experience with a Jesuit priest to be beneficial in many ways beyond her discernment struggles. She went on a silent directed retreat with the same spiritual director. They clicked, and after the retreat she continued with him in spiritual direction. After returning from an immersion experience she stopped seeing him and entered into another spiritual direction on campus with a lay woman, and viewed that experience positively as well.

I love Ignatian spirituality. I think it is beautiful. I think, however, if Saint Ignatius came to our campus he would be disappointed, you know? And I think that is something that should be taken notice of I always think “What would Ignatius do?” Although she enjoyed her experience in spiritual direction she feels that it is not advertised or promoted enough and that Ignatian spiritual programming in general is lacking on campus. “I mean I marched into campus ministry and told them I wanted one. No one had offered one to me before but I was going through a crisis of what I wanted my major to be sophomore year.” Most students on campus she claims are not even aware that there is a campus ministry department and that they offer spiritual direction. “They say, ‘Where is that? And what is that?’” Anne felt it was “cool to walk with someone and to get to know a priest well. He and I connected very well and I just found myself sharing easily with him.” She continues to see this Jesuit director and plans to remain in “contact with him after graduation.” She thinks, based on her positive experience with Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD), that it “should be something offered regularly and if it was offered regularly I think a lot more people would do it because it is a good thing.” Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction Anne initially entered a spiritual direction relationship because of a deep struggle with discernment. Her struggles stemmed from doing too much and not finding the time to pray, reflect, and let go. Those struggles were further exacerbated by a mildly abusive, dysfunctional, and stressful family life. Added to this mix was her embrace of a more “traditional, and conservative Catholic” way of practicing her faith that influenced her friendships, her lack of comfort with people whose attitudes did not match hers and what she believes in and supports. Anne feels that spiritual direction “has helped me refocus that is for sure because I feel I was just so busy that I was going through the motions so much. I so needed to slow down and relax and be able to reflect on my life and where God was in it a little bit more.” She made the connection between her formational experiences with family and her wanting to be always busy. “My life got kind of crazy with school and work and just general business and given my background and history I just needed somewhere to slow down and reflect on my life and where I am going.” She was stressed and burnt out “doing all these things but I feel that spiritual direction helped me slow down and to be more attentive or to pay attention when I was praying. Her spiritual direction offered some Ignatian spirituality tools for discernment, helped her be

more intentional with her prayer life and Mass attendance, and not feel like she was “obligated to go to Mass. He is telling me participate in spiritual things to get something from them. Do not do it because it is just what you do but always remember the significance of it and to be intentional about it.” Spiritual direction helped Anne to find her voice about matters important for her, to become a spiritual leader, and to make a stand to change environments where she feels the Catholic faith is weak or not promoted enough on campus. “I cannot run away from it and I had enough solid people here who have just encouraged me to do more and get involved in more and find more reasons to stay. And I did and I am extremely happy.” Ignatian discernment has helped her heal and reconcile some of her past with more self- awareness. One of the practices that her spiritual director gave to her, not only for discernment but also for self-reflection and awareness, was the Ignatian Examen of Conscience. And it is cool because like, the Examen fits in perfectly with that. I actually gave a talk on a retreat earlier in the semester and I talked about the part of the Examen where you look back on your day and find out where God had been working and it is like, well, you can look back on bigger chunks of your life too and see, well, I did not understand it when it was happening, but looking at it now I think, “Oh, now it makes so much sense!” In looking back you can find every little piece that has made you who you are today. So for Anne, Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) was “very important as I transition out of here because it has helped me with my vocation.” The major thing was that her vocation in life be tied with her faith and spiritual journey. “I do not want to do something just to make money and want to do something that is going to fulfill me and help other people as well and that was a great part of spiritual direction.” She wants to accomplish great things, things not necessarily for her, and the why of what she wants to accomplish “all goes back to my faith and my spirituality.” She also credits her spiritual direction experience for giving her a greater comfort and flexibility away from traditional prayer forms such as the Rosary or Eucharistic Adoration. Her spiritual director exposed her to other spiritual resources such as the Examen of Conscience, spiritual reading, alternative spiritual resources and readings. This gave her greater ease and comfort in being able to share her faith and her spirit with others. I feel that we had no problems talking and sharing together. We were just comfortable and I had no problem. At certain points he would have support at hand for things that we

were talking about a scripture passage, or a spiritual book, or something from St. Ignatius. These resources would point to the foundation of everything that we are talking about and on what things my spirituality was built. Anne also touched briefly on the notion of how spiritual direction helped her see something greater than herself, beyond her experience. She was able to see, as contrasted with the stressors felt from college and her home life, and the lack of support a deeper connection with the divine always being with her. Out of that felt notion of being supported by a God who was with her, loved her, and cared for her she began to move into seeing her worth, her sacredness, and the presence of God all around. So when I get busy or do not reflect or do not pray I could feel that lack and so meeting with spiritual director helps me refocus and ask the bigger questions. What am I actually doing? Who am I? One of the great things about this spiritual direction is it helps also in making me aware that I am never alone whether I am in the library looking for a book by myself there is always God there with me. You are surrounded by the body of Christ and God’s love and because of that everything has greater significance, in everyone you meet, and everything you do has worth, and I think that is important to remember too. Another area of positive spiritual growth for Anne because of her engagement in spiritual direction has been her ownership of her faith as an integral and holistic part of her life. She feels it has healed her and “I feel I have become much more independent, much more confident, but also much more able to integrate my spirituality into my normal life sort of thing, you know, to help blend spirituality with all areas of my life and to let that be my identity.” Ultimately, she praises Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) because she felt she was “meeting with someone who actually cares and believes in you.” Out of her positive experiences with spiritual direction she has become an emissary and advocate for its greater promotion on college campuses. She also feels that some education and training should be offered to students about Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) and what it entails. It is important that spiritual direction be advertised and nurtured on campus and that the administration, faculty and staff offer a more dedicated effort in developing student spirituality. I think it is an integral part of what the Catholic University should be about and there are so many missed opportunities for faith development because they might

have perhaps a good experience of Mass here but they may leave here and not go to Mass because they did not get a good spiritual foundation. Judith Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse Judith grew up in a strong Catholic family. Her dad converted to the Catholic faith from a Protestant faith when he married Judith’s mother. She was told that her dad converted to the Catholic faith so “we could raise you in a house where we are all the same faith.” Growing up, Judith felt that “faith was always out in the open, always stressed, and important.” Besides her parents Judith has a younger brother, whom she describes as “athletic and into sports and is very popular and has lots of friends.” Judith went to a “Catholic school all her life, even college.” Judith describes her childhood and family life as a very loving and loved experience. “I have been reminded about how great my childhood was.” Her faith life and spirituality during her childhood were something she just did and “I remember thinking that I do not feel any different or anything special” when she remembered her first communion and confirmation. I do not know at that point I would say things such as “I love Jesus,” but I do not think I understood what it meant to have a relationship with Jesus but it was something that was on my mind and something that my parents talked with me about. I remember going to church because I like being there with my parents. I do not remember ever being so excited to go to church. But it was a comforting ritualistic part of my life. Although she claims to have been raised well by her parents, Judith presented two dysfunctional family issues as troubling for her. The first is an aunt who is “a very bitter person and has caused a lot of ongoing tension in our family and this tension has definitely become worse.” This tense relationship is felt constantly in the family and is most acute during family functions. The second concern revolves around her younger brother’s problem with alcohol and the resulting antagonism between her brother and her dad. I guess less than a month ago and my dad and my brother got into a huge fight. I have never seen my brother act that way before. It was hard; it affected me in a way that I do not understand, but so that was about three weeks ago and ever since then I have not quite been myself. Judith’s dad confronted his son about the drinking. “Son, you are drinking too much and you are partying too much and my brother was like, ‘why, do not you trust me.’” One day, while on

100

vacation the situation reached a boiling point when the rest of the family, but not Judith’s brother, went out to dinner and drank all the beers in the refrigerator, twelve of them, after which her dad started yelling at her brother and her brother was very angry with his dad. So anyways, the point being, my brother was in my dad’s face screaming at him, berating him. He was saying mean things to my dad, and my dad is the kindest, gentlest man that I know. And I knew that he was not reacting because my brother was drunk. My brother is bigger than him and my brother is angry, so my mom said to my dad, “honey, you have got to get out of here, you have to leave.” She dated three guys from high school and into college. Her first boyfriend, James met her through a Catholic youth group they both participated in. Even though she had known him since grade school they did not start dating until her senior year of high school. He was a good “spiritual companion, spiritual mentor for me during this time.” This relationship eventually drifted apart for Judith, even though they both at one point talked about getting married. “At that time I would say I loved him. But there is a difference I was learning between being in love with someone and loving somebody. And I do not think I ever was in love with him but at that time I think he was in love with me.” She met her second boyfriend Austin, “at a party at my university through a mutual friend.” “I just have a very negative outlook on that relationship. He worked in the service industry, was always flirting and ended up having an affair with someone else.” She feels he “emotionally used and abused her.” They dated for a year and broke up right before “the following spring.” Concerning Austin she feels she is “still dealing with this every day.” So with Austin it was a strange mix of emotions I felt so betrayed and so hurt.” Her third boyfriend was also named James. Once Austin and Judith broke up, Judith started spending more and more time with this James. Judith and James belong to the same Catholic young adult group in her parish. They started spending more and more time together socially and in spiritual conversations. “And so James has become a best friend in a way. He knows me so well; it is almost scary how well he knows me, which is great.” They are planning to get married. Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse The mild family dysfunctional issues revolving around her aunt and her brother’s alcohol did affect Judith. Concerning her immediate family’s relationship with her aunt she claims that,

101

“lately it has been very hard, particularly for my mom and for our family. She has caused a lot of tension in our family. It is to the point where I am not excited for family gatherings.” Although the situation has caused tension within the family, her brother, his drinking, and the blow-up fight between her father and brother have affected her personally. After the fight when her father left and “went out into the hallway, I followed my dad out there and I broke down. I clung to my dad. And I said, I am so sorry dad, I do not know why he is doing this, I am so sorry and I was more upset about it than he was.” Coming home from the vacation she was “crying in the airport and I had to keep going to the bathroom because I was crying. Ever since that fight, I just have not been myself. I do not know why it has such an effect on me, but it did.” Most of the abuse she felt came from her first two boyfriends. She felt some emotional pressure from her first boyfriend James, that if they were to marry, Judith would have to be a “stay-at-home mom.” “I feel he was painting this picture of who he wanted me to be.” During Judith’s junior year of college she had an argument with James over a paper she wrote on women’s roles in the Church. Judith argued in her paper for women’s ordination. And he said, “I cannot believe you believe in this kind of crap and you would write something like this – it is just not you.” And he continued, “I do not know if I can see if you are someone who is going to be so against church teaching.” I was kind of in a way afraid to be one hundred percent myself around him. Her relationship with Austin, who emotionally used and abused her and who cheated on her, was damaging to her spirit and psyche. “Austin made me feel insecure in a way that I have never been insecure before.” She felt him constantly pressure her into having sex. “I feel part of the pressure was he was just trying to ply me with alcohol and just use me.” She also felt that Austin was very demeaning and always making her feel bad about herself. Austin made me feel I was unequal, that I was not as good as he was. He wanted to treat me like garbage and so with both my first boyfriend James and now Austin there was all this kind of pressure. I am still dealing with this every day. Ultimately, she felt “so betrayed and so hurt” by that relationship, but she credits God with giving her the courage that was “going to make her leave that relationship.” Judith experienced some dysfunctional experiences in her family that affected her. She also experienced some emotional abuse and felt “used” by her first two boyfriends in a way that greatly affected how she felt about herself and how she relates now to others.

102

Textural Description of Spiritual Direction She recalled an incident that made her realize she was not sure she could expect James, who was a “more traditional Catholic,” to be there for her when she was struggling with things. Yet, the way he responded opened her up to not fear sharing her faith with others and to be more open to a spiritual direction relationship. Judith had an English teacher at her Jesuit university who at mid-semester informed the class that he was an atheist in order to spark a class discussion on religious values. “And I never met someone who is an atheist before and that sounds crazy because I was a sophomore in college but I was so in my Catholic bubble for so long.” From that experience she “went into a dark period” where she “went through this period where I thought, ‘does God even exist.’” “But I ended up just breaking down and I remember thinking ‘I cannot just tell James this is happening.’ I expected him to be disappointed in me after telling him but he was calm saying, ‘It is okay. ‘It is all right.’” She realized though that in some ways their “faith and what they got from their faith were somehow not the same.” But it was “an important moment for me in sharing and being accepted, in sharing and having somebody be a spiritual mentor or director for me and it was a cool experience.” Judith’s claims her Catholic faith tempered family dynamics and the effects of an emotionally abusive boyfriend. From that formational experience she remained connected to her faith, was very involved in college in retreat work, in campus ministry, and in service learning opportunities. She also joined a young adult group at her Jesuit university that was affiliated with the Jesuit parish on campus and found herself in a spiritual direction relationship that she claims “was very beneficial” in helping her to deal with family issues and to clear the shrapnel left over from her first two romantic relationships. In her spiritual direction and in her continued weekly activity with her Catholic young adult group Judith finds companionship, comfort in sharing her faith in “a community and with a director that knew me spiritually in my faith journey.” Spiritual direction over the years and belonging to her young adult group have, “been my main spiritual foundations” and a positive part of her developing spirituality. Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction Judith brought her relationship with Austin into her faith sharing and her spiritual direction, helping her to realize that God is always with her not only in the good times but also

103

the bad. She also has grown in seeing how God has been present to her at all times and in all things. I have looked at times in my life where I know I have grown spiritually and there have been significant moments of spiritual growth. The most significant one recently was when Austin and I broke up. It was a very dark time. I feel that I get closer to God through hard times. It is very easy for me when times are going well to forget about God but when something bad or traumatic happens I cling to God and I kind of take a new next step in my spiritual journey and feel healed by God’s presence. So the period after Austin and I broke up, that time spiritually, upon reflecting back on it, and through the spiritual work I have been doing was very important to me. It was a time when I learned a lot about who I was and I became stronger and more whole. Through the spiritual mentoring Judith was able to connect up what she was going through with how God was present to her. She felt that God was always there for her, but spiritual direction helped her see that God would not abandon her and that God wanted her healed and whole, and in the process she came to know better who she was. During the time when I was single I reflected a lot with God on what I wanted in a partner and it was a special time for me. That time of being single I look back on it now with a little bit of nostalgia I think but I just look back and see God forming me and shaping me. Through spiritual direction and through the young adult group activity Judith has come to have a wide exposure to different types of spiritual resources. We watch some religious and social justice documentaries and we keep up with Catholic social teachings. We read the bible and do scripture studies. We study the Catechism of the Catholic Church, You know, this is what the church teaches and then we talk about how we feel about that. Yeah and they talked a lot about catholic social teachings for a couple of months. Also, Judith likes the different prayer forms she is learning and that she is engaging in. One powerful prayer experience for her is sitting in the adoration chapel with Jesus. Catholics, as you may recall, believe that Jesus is actually present in the Eucharist, the consecrated bread and wine.

104

I spent a lot of time in adoration. Adoration is definitely my favorite method of prayer. I find so much peace from it when I go to adoration. I like to just sit there a lot of time and talk to the Lord, listen to the Lord. I also like to journal in front of the Blessed Sacrament and write or read. Sometimes I bring my iPod in and listen to music. I just feel a peace there and I share some of these experiences to my young adult group and to my spiritual director. Judith finds that connecting up with the spirit, and the presence of Jesus, during this type of prayer has helped her find peace and she has shared these experiences in faith sharing and direction. She recalls another powerful prayer experience in her Catholic young adult group. Sometimes when the group meets together they pray over one another. We pray over each other a lot. We will get into a circle and one person will get in the middle and they will speak about what is on their heart and what they want to be prayed over. Then we will all pray over the person but then afterwards we will all talk about if God has anything he wants us to say to that person, if we saw anything or if anything came to our minds that we want to tell that person. So I feel those are very intimate moments. It is very cool and we have a lot of people in our group, like me, who are not afraid to say “I feel the Lord told me to tell you this” or “I got this message for you from God.” It has been very healing and transforming. Judith conveyed, not only through this prayer example, but also in her faith sharing and in her spiritual direction relationship a newfound confidence born of her increased awareness of who she is in God’s eyes. She believes that her spiritual pursuits and engagement with all of these spiritual resources have helped her to develop spiritually and grow in profound ways. I have been reading the catechism lately but when I read the catechism, I try to refer to the Bible too. I feel the whole Bible is important to me but nothing is more important to me than the gospels. I feel that is where Jesus speaks the most and where God is most present to me in the Bible. So I feel my Catholic faith has grown, I have come to appreciate things that are beautiful about Catholicism more as I have grown spiritually such as different prayer methods, like adoration, asking for the intercession of saints, talking with Mary, praying the rosary, praying together with my Catholic young adult group, and knowing I can always turn to spiritual direction and my spiritual director.

105

A final resource that Judith feels has been an important part of her spiritual journey is Christian music. Judith’s young adult group and spiritual director exposed her to a wide variety of Christian artists. “For me, Christian music is very important. I find a lot in music. I love Chris Tomlin concerts. Music is very, very important to me.” Exposure to spiritual matters, whether in the Church, with her young adult group, or in spiritual direction has fueled her vocational discernment about what she wants to accomplish. So right now we’re talking about discipleship. We have had a lot of topics, a broad range of topics. So community building, social justice work, prayer, faith sharing, meeting with spiritual directors, and it extends beyond meeting to everyday life and activities. Being a more recent graduate of her Jesuit university, and through discerning where the spirit was leading her, her connection with her spiritual development, and being directed spiritually, helped her find her vocation working for a Catholic not-for-profit. I work for a catholic nonprofit, and our mission is to reengage disengaged Catholics. We want to help people, kind of meet people where they are, and show them the beauty of Catholicism. So wherever they are in their spiritual journey we have a way of connecting with them back, whether it is through a book, an event, or some other resource. It is inspiring because people call me all the time or write me notes or write me e-mails to tell me that I am changing their lives because I am providing these books and so it is inspiring to hear that. I love what I do. A final vocational discernment movement that spiritual direction and reflective prayer have helped her with is a growing awareness of wanting to be a wife and mother. “I do know I feel very strongly that I am being called to marriage. I cannot see myself not being a mother.” She conveyed that recently she bought a cat, and the “cat became ill and I just wanted to take care of him and love him,” and “I know I want to take care of another human being like that.” She feels, through her care for her cat, that God is “showing me that I want to be a mom and that I want to care for someone else.” She wants children so she can “teach them about life and about Jesus. I want to take care of them and I want to comfort them when they are sick and love them.” Judith has also found that her relationships with others have grown stronger since she has been attending to her spirit and become able to talk with her director and her group about relationships in a more honest way. She mentions a wonderful relationship with her roommate,

106

which has grown stronger and more important for her. When she was single, after breaking up with Austin, she was going to a young adult group, and was being directed spiritually she saw this period of spiritual growth as “a time I got even closer to my roommate.” Judith credits this to spending more time together, but also to connecting up with her own spirit, and processing things through faith sharing. Through spiritual mentoring Judith felt more connected in relationships. “She [the mentor] and I just formed an even stronger bond during that time I think mostly because I was around more and she was around a lot too so I found a spiritual sister in her.” In another positive transformation in relationships because of her spiritual journey, her faith sharing, and direction, Judith found a spiritual companion and friend in James, who is now her fiancé. Being able to process faith sharing and spiritual direction has helped her “able to discern what type of romantic relationship she needs” versus those that have hurt her in the past. James and I started forming more of a spiritual connection; he came with me to adoration a couple of times. And so James has become a best friend in a way. He knows me so well. It is almost scary how well he knows me, which is great. It is very important to me that we go to Mass together and that we have a community of friends that we share together. It is very important to me that he respects and challenges me. I have never experienced before, in both relationships I have experienced, this because in those relationships the person was always trying to cheapen me or use me. I have never felt that way with this new James. I think a large part of it was we were such good friends beforehand. We just formed such a special bond and the way that he follows Jesus is just very inspiring to me. A lot of times he will say things and I will think to myself, you are crazy, but that is what Jesus would do. Another area that has been transformed for Judith on her spirit journey and in her engagement in spiritual direction is increasing self-awareness, knowing that she is loved by God, and as such is sacred. Jesus would “describe me as beautiful.” In prayer, Jesus is always responding by “saying something very loving and affirming, but for me he would use the word ‘beautiful’.” I can point to moments of grace and I had one today. I was in adoration and I realized that I was feeling very guilty about a lot of things and I was not letting God love me, so I just allowed God to love me for a while. So that changed me and changed my mindset

107

today. This prayer changed the way that I was viewing God today. It changes me in moments like that on a daily basis. I believe whole-heartedly that God loves me and that makes a difference in my day. Spiritual direction and immersion in her faith have also assisted her to find balance, something she still struggles with. They have helped her to be more compassionate with herself about her struggles and to act more compassionate toward others. She feels they have helped her to be more virtuous. “Gosh, spiritual direction has helped in a lot of ways.” So I am definitely struggling with trying to find a balance between work and me. It is something that I am aspiring to, to bring God more into my work, which you would think would be easy. I think that something I have been thinking a lot about lately is that I have a cross and everybody else has a cross. So that when I encounter people I just constantly remind myself that everybody has a cross and so it is important to be kind to people because you do not know how big their cross is and everybody has one that they can carry. Some are bigger than others, but it does not mean that it is any less of a big cross for that person. Along with this notion of growing compassion for others, is her growing compassion for herself, so that seeing herself as sacred she is able to see the sacredness in others. “I also think that I have to remind myself a lot of times that Jesus is in everyone, but when I do everything is always a lot better and relationships go better.” Finally, in this growth toward being a more virtuous person, even though she struggles with making a distinction between talents and gifts, she credits spiritual direction, engagement with spiritual resources, the work she does, and faith sharing with helping her to discern her talents and gifts. On the one hand she says she does not know what her talents are, but then she is able to name all the talents and gifts she does possess. I know what my strengths are but it is very hard for me to identify my talents. And sometimes I will get myself into this mindset where I just think that I do not have any…at least that are special enough to build up the kingdom in a unique way. Judith, however, believes “I do think that if I have the confidence to pursue it that I could be a great spiritual leader. I just need to believe in myself a little bit more.” Spiritual development and growth is indeed a life-long pursuit and there is always struggle and growth, support and challenge.

108

Judith then goes on to name her talents and gifts. First she believes that she is good at and loves “taking care of people when they are sick . . . I think it is an empathy sort of thing. Empathy is one of my strengths.” Second, she believes that she is “good at adapting to different situations.” Third, she feels that she is present to people and able to engage in discussions with others even “if I have very strong convictions, but it is very easy for me to listen to other people’s point of view.” Finally, she sees her passion as strength, but a strength that she is cautious about. “When I am passionate about something, I will work hard to see it through, which is a strength, but can also lead to being a workaholic. So, that is a strength I have when applied appropriately.” A final story from family reveals her spirit quest and God’s love for her through the way she was loved by her parents. Judith feels that the way she was raised by her parents was foundational for her, especially when she experienced the family dysfunction she did and her boyfriend abuse. She tells the story of how quite often her “parents, when I was little, took a lot of home videos of me. They liked to read to me a lot and I had my favorite stories.” And when I was home over Easter break this year, we watched a lot of those videos together and I was just reminded of how much my parents loved me, interacted with me, cared for me, and taught me. Just the way that they were doting over me and interacting with me, well that is how I see God. I see God as how my dad was behind the video camera just smiling at me, thinking how beautiful I am and that he created me and that I am interacting and living. And I also see God in my mom as a motherly figure because my mom was teaching me and being patient with me. I watch that video almost every day because it is so funny, but also because, that is how I see God looking at me, like my parents looked at me, and still look at me. Judith claims that her spiritual journey and the many things that she has engaged on that spiritual journey, including spiritual direction, have helped her to grow not only spiritually but emotionally, personally, and relationally. I know that I have grown spiritually. I can point to moments in my life where I have grown spiritually, where my prayer has deepened, and where God has spoken to me either very bluntly or very subtly. My Catholic faith is very important to me. I firmly believe that the Catholic faith makes me feel very close to Jesus. I love Catholicism for a multitude of reasons, but the first reason that comes to mind is that Jesus chose to found

109

the Catholic Church on a person, you know, Peter, and he knew Peter very well, he knew his flaws. You know, this is somebody that had personally betrayed him, so he knew very well that Peter was a sinner, and that Peter was human. But Peter, Jesus saw, was holy as well and he still chose to found this institution on Peter, so that says a lot to me. It says that Jesus has a lot of faith in us, but also that he knows that we are not perfect, so for that reason I grapple with some of the things that the Catholic faith teaches. I know with good people by my side, my faith, and the spiritual mentors and directors God has and will place on my path that my spirituality will grow, and I will grow as well. Rebekah Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse Rebekah’s family consisted of five people: her parents, her much older sister and brother, and herself. Her father, at the time of this interview, had just passed away at a very young age. Rebekah’s mother and father were older by the time they had Rebekah. Her dad, when she was younger, lived and loved “working on their farm” but also had a job working at a farm machinery and implement store in the nearest town. She felt his always being away was “kind of a lot.” All of the children of the family went to Catholic grade schools. She appreciated the education she received at her Catholic grade school, for it “gave the moral faith component but without being too overbearing.” Rebekah’s mother worked for a while at a rival farm machinery and implement store. Along with her dad, absent when she was younger, her brother was a major cause of stress for her and her family. My oldest brother is a little feisty and little ornery. He likes to cause a lot of strife in the family and is always in trouble. He was mean to me for a while. I remember I was in first or second grade when he punched me in the face. This was a source of extreme tension in her family and she stated “in family dynamics I know that people talk about their parents fighting but I would not say it was like that it was more so my brother fighting with each of us than it was my parents fighting with each other.” I think I saw how my brother’s dynamic and relationship had an impact on our family, as he was verbally and emotionally abusive to me and to my parents. He was kind of a bully, very negative and putting everyone down, even to me. He was a very emotional and dominant person. It was for him either my way or the highway. He would not hear

110

people out. He was headstrong. I saw the way in how those dynamics worked with him and I kind of saw how my parents aged through that process. When Rebekah was just getting into grade school her dad “gave up the farm he loved.” The absence and neglect were taking a toll, not only his marriage, but also on his relationship with his children. The absence almost left Rebekah’s mother and father’s marriage in shambles. I did miss his presence when he was working so hard because he was hardly home and always working so we saw him more when we moved into town. Anyway I did notice it as a six-year-old. I mean looking back on it though I mean it was very hard on us and my mom told him “you have to either choose the family or the farm.” It was a critical moment and I do not know if they would actually get divorced but it was very hard time for them. It was hard for him because he was a farm guy and he loved to farm. I think that was hard for him. The absence and neglect was further felt when, after moving to town to work in the farm machinery and implement business, the company decided to close the plant in town, and her dad became one of a few people who had to travel to another state in order to facilitate the transition. “He lived out there for a year and a half when I was just a teenager, and again not present too much in my life which affected me.” Since her sister and brother were older, by the time when Rebekah was entering her teenage years, her brother was no longer living at home and her sister was well established in high school. During this time it was mainly just Rebekah and her mother, which also was a period of dysfunction for her. Her older sister “was not home too much in high school.” And then it was a stressful environment with just me and my mom living together because it was anything that happened and that was bad was just magnified. And I think my mom was struggling with depression at the time. Her mom, she felt, blamed her for everything. “I was also so young at that time. I mean I felt she is blaming me for XYZ, for everything.” Rebekah’s mother and father were alcoholics, and she believes her mother may have experienced “some physical abuse between the two alcoholic parents but it was definitely emotional abuse to the children.” Her mom’s mom did not make an effort to be a part of her daughter or granddaughter’s life “even though she lives just a few hours away.” Rebekah states that her mother and all the brothers of her family “do not speak to each other at all.”

111

She also did not have the closest of relationships with her sister who was older than her and because Rebekah did not have the best of familial relationships she “wanted to be with her sister and her sister’s friends because they were older” and Rebekah thought they were “cool.” Rebekah stated that she felt she was “awkward” and always wanted to “connections with others. Based on the story she shared it does not seem her childhood and early formational experiences were filled with warmth or a sense of care. Her family experience of abuse, coldness, and dysfunction were further reinforced in grade school when she had a bout of bullying by some girls who “got catty in the fifth and sixth grade.” She was cyber-bullied for a few years in grade school to junior high over some misunderstanding about liking some boy that some other girl liked. The guy in question and Rebekah “went and got pizza or something, and I went. The bullying was about my going out with him. I think it would be classified now as being cyber-bullied by a few girls.” The main dysfunctional and/or abusive experiences for Rebekah revolved around a father who was not a major part of her life, an antagonistic relationship with her depressive mother, a brother who was emotionally abusive to her and to the family, a sister who did not want her around, and episodes of bullying and cyber-bullying during her grade school years. The reality of these experiences affected Rebekah in profoundly negative ways. The pervasive atmosphere around these experiences affected how Rebekah viewed herself and how she related to others.

A final and particularly jarring episode happened during Rebekah’s sophomore year that made her re-evaluate how she viewed herself and whether or not she “was taking care of herself spiritually and emotionally’. Rebekah was part of an orientation team on campus and they “were a pretty tight group of people.” “We are like family and we do a lot of things together.” A senior on that team whom Rebekah admired committed suicide.

So that sophomore year this woman committed suicide. We went to her funeral and there was a bunch of her peers and her family there. She was this fifth-year senior and she was twenty-two and I was 2 or 3 years younger than that. But I think she was someone I looked up to, it was not like we were ‘buddy, buddy’ but I admired her. She was someone who was full of life and it made me go, “why God?” Finally, Rebekah’s dad passed away her junior year of college, which made her reflective about her life and life in general and family dynamics that were still unresolved for her.

112

I think that I remember my dad was so vulnerable and I remember both of them [her mother and father] being so vulnerable and you could see them fully as human. I mean we were all vulnerable. But I remember my dad apologizing that he was so sorry that he was not going to be there for my graduation. Rebecca experienced a lot of trauma, abuse, and dysfunctional events in her life. The events affected her during different times in her life and in varied ways. Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse The dysfunction and abuse that Rebekah experienced during her childhood and teen-age years affected her first of all through neglect and not having positive male role models present in her life. She was constantly aware of her dad always being absent due to work-related issues. I did miss his presence when he was working so hard because he was hardly home and always working. Anyway, I did notice it as a six-year-old. I missed connecting up with my dad and felt rather lonely during childhood. This relationship added to her sense of not fitting in and wanting to fit in to the family unit. Being the youngest, she always felt that she was “always in the shadows,” dealing with her mother’s depression, her older sister’s rejection of her, and her older brother’s emotional abuse that was directed to the whole family. Her older sister, knowing how the brother behaved in family dynamics, showed “the opposite dynamic and was the golden child.” Rebekah’s relationship with her siblings affected her self-image and sense of fitting in negatively. Often, I struggled with both my siblings in defining myself and getting out of their shadow. I struggled through middle school and high school as we had same teachers and I was compared to them, “why are you not like your sister or your brother, because they were both super smart,” and I was just as smart as them but it was kind of a competitive thing and I wondered how I distinguished myself from them. So I always felt it was hard to get out of that shadow.

Rebekah, because of this went into a people-pleasing mode with her brother’s friends and more poignantly with her sisters. Concerning her sister’s friends, Rebekah had this to say:

So I always wanted to be with them because they were older and to hang out with them and to be cool like them. They would to ask me to do favors for them such as bring the water and make us grilled cheese sandwiches and I would totally do it and I still

113

sometimes do it. One of her friends came back recently to visit with her and they are telling me “get us a beer,” and I said, “okay” and I brought it down.

The cyber-bullying she experienced in grade school further heightened her sense that she did not fit in. Making friends and developing relationships were hard for her and she “struggled with wondering about who were my good friends in fifth and sixth grade.” She was “very hurt by that experience and I was questioning who my true friends were, that kind of thing.”

So I was always worried about which group of friends do I belong to? During this time I was always confused about the unwritten social dynamics. I struggled with it a bit but I always tried to be a very social person but I never felt such as ling me never had any friends I guess.

Rebekah, based on the story she shared of her abuse and dysfunction, appears to have had a lonely childhood, one where she was always in the “shadows,” never “fitting in” with family and friends, dealing with an absent father and a blaming, depressed mother, always confused about how to socially relate to others. Her self-image, worth, and capacity to relate in positive and healthy ways with others were “all stunted and unhealed.” These issues reached a critical stage in Rebekah’s self-reflection when the peer and co-worker she admired committed suicide her sophomore year.

It made me reflect on myself and am I taking care of myself? I was kind of freaking out about that a little bit, just how am I mentally, emotionally, and spiritually? And how can I make sure . . . not that I thought that would happen to me . . . but it was a real wake-up call.

From her own issues and out of this experience of suicide, Rebekah in addition to a spiritual direction relationship entered into a therapeutic relationship with a campus psychologist.

I had been seeing a counselor during this semester trying to figure out how to deal with feelings of sadness and anxiety, more than anything else, how to deal with that and to cope, and learning some good strategies with that and that was helpful. I think I was going through a lot of negative self-talk and not feeling enough confidence in myself, and in my own voice. When my friend died in the beginning of the semester that set me off a little bit. It brought everything to a head.

114

Textural Description of Spiritual Direction Rebekah was born and raised Catholic and she and her siblings attended Catholic grade schools. She currently attends a Jesuit university where she is engaged in Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) with a laywoman trained in ISD. She found most of her faith and spiritual development as a child growing up external to her and taught by parents and teachers. I think, for example, my image of God was more an external grandfatherly figure to me, a comfort figure, someone who I could just sit in his lap. So I also think about church teachings and images of God and all that kind of stuff and my reaction to that a lot of it was external and a lot of it was based on the golden rule and treating people how you want to be treated. Before fifth grade she stated that she prayed mostly by “learning the rote Catholic prayers like the Our Father and the Hail Mary.” In fifth grade, through her spirituality and prayer life and because of the tragedy of 9/11, “my prayers and spirituality started having a bit of intentionality to it and I started to pray for other people.” Other spiritual moments of import included belonging to a Catholic youth group in grade school that went on a mission trip to a Native American reservation out West. She found the mission trip to be helpful in her spiritual development because of “spiritual mentors who shared their faith with us and one another and helped out wherever they could.” We did clean up stuff, rebuilding, picking up trash. We did bible school with the kids. We shared our faith, and the leaders were like our spiritual mentors, a little bit of everything. It was cool to see different forms of Catholicism because it was a cultural experience. It affected my prayer life and it helped me to recognize that I could have a personal relationship with God, especially through those personal witness talks where people were talking about their personal relationship with God and also Christian music was incorporated. In high school she also went on a number of teen retreats where there was prayer, faith sharing, and direction that she speaks of as a positive spiritual formation experience for her. During those teen retreats she was able to connect what she suffered as abuse and as dysfunctional with Christ’s experience. “It was all about the encounter with the rising and the dying Jesus and the whole encounter with his passion.” Also, being deeply invested in a Christian women’s group was a powerful spiritual formation experience for her.

115

We focused on how to be young women and how to be true to yourself and to your faith. Things like protecting your heart. It was a faith-sharing group too, we would read, but we also had prayer intentions, and we would check in with one another. It was a powerful experience and how my friendships were solidified my senior year. It was a very positive and powerful experience with peers and those are the friends that I stayed in contact with and I had a good mentor experience with the leader. A final powerful and spiritually enlightening experience that helped define her Catholic faith was witnessing it through being exposed to a different, non-Christian, Eastern religion in a mission trip to an Asian country.

I am a naturally a curious and inquisitive person and so I am definitely interested in encountering more world religions in life. I think interfaith dialogue is very important. In my faith I have had difficult times thinking about how can I condemn others for their faith? I also encountered the Catholic faith there in this trip abroad and I went to Mass a couple of times while I was there. One thing I like about the Catholic Church is that no matter where you go in the world you can hear the same liturgy and you know what it means. It may be in a different language but it is the same structure. I went alone without friends to the crypt of St. Thomas and I am he is this apostle who knew Jesus and that is pretty cool. I think that time abroad was something that changed my life.

She has also been active in working at a food bank, “helping out homeless people who have no food.” She also worked as an advocate for the homeless and against the structural injustices of poverty and “did a number of activities to get people in the community engaged and we also learned about homelessness, poverty and hunger issues in our area.” She feels that ever since entering high school with her work on mission trips, teen retreats, and faith sharing groups she has always had good spiritual mentors and directors. From these positive spiritual experiences and the comfort she felt through them, coupled with her less than positive formational experiences of abuse and dysfunction, she was moved to enter into a more formal Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) relationship the first year at her Jesuit university. She had met with a lay woman at her university “all the way through my senior year and she has been a good spiritual mentor to me. She had received training in spiritual direction and so she was very effective in spiritual direction.” She has also two informal relationships on campus that she would claim as spiritual mentors/directors for her. In her first relationship, the Fellowship of

116

Christian Athletes, she “goes to this person who was a spiritual director/mentor during the time I was involved with this program.” Another informal spiritual direction/mentoring relationship happened through a Bible study program she attended on campus. “The woman director I had through this was very much guiding me and directing me and I felt I was receiving good spiritual counseling.” Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction

Rebekah has turned to her Catholic faith far more than other members of her family. She also sees her engagement with developing spiritually, in the spiritual programs and groups, the spiritual direction, along with the counseling she has received as a beneficial part of her healing and growth. “I felt I was always tied to a church, a Catholic church and that perspective. I am very open to spiritually growing and connecting up with how it has helped me heal especially when I think about my family dynamics and my siblings.”

She credits her spiritual director with helping her to see that despite some of the harsh things life has offered her that God was with her through it all. She says she has always felt this presence in her life, but spiritual direction has been a way to work through family dynamics or other abusive and dysfunctional experiences.

All throughout my life there has been crap and there have been some wonderful things but I never necessarily question the existence of God. Spiritual direction has helped solidify the truth that I know that God is there. I cannot think of a world where God does not exist – that concept is foreign to me. I think that this God quest has always been part of my experience but in spiritual direction I have been able to explore this truth more spiritually and affectively.

She credits Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) as a “testament to healing, of just needing to be by myself with Jesus, because I was just figuring stuff out and working through things in spiritual direction helped me find me again.” She feels that her spiritual work, not only in direction, but also her engagement in liturgies and retreats was helpful for her “in remembering my own voice and my own strength.”

Sophomore year of college seems to have been a spiritual crossroads for her, a time when her own suffering met the suffering of people she experienced in service immersions abroad. In a moment of spiritual dissonance she felt pulled out of herself into a new awareness of the plight

117

and the suffering of others. This movement transformed her from a “woe is me” attitude to a more on-fire, compassionate approach, passionate about working to alleviate the social structures of injustice. “So I remember sophomore year the main movement was throughout all the suffering that people experience does God exist?” I am grateful that I did the study abroad. I found it a challenging and stressful experience of going to a different culture, learning about the culture, and learning about some of the social injustice issues there was very powerful, very moving, but also very challenging. It was challenging in the fact that we were witnessing to things that were very traumatic every day. But reflecting on it in spiritual direction, I think the beautiful thing about it was this all happened in community and as challenging as it all was I came to realize the support found in and the necessity of community in my life. And so I think processing it in spiritual direction was formative because there was this need for self-focus, self- reflection, and totally not self-centered in a negative kind of way. So there was this kind of my personal growth that was connected through being directed spiritually about these experiences, with communal growth in the sharing of experiences in life together and how the spirit moves throughout that. And so this experience abroad pulled me out of myself. Rebekah felt that reflection and discernment were something that enhanced spiritual direction. She learned how important it is “to make sure we take stock of ourselves and reflect on our life.” Different spiritual resources further supported reflection and discernment and helped her process her life as well as vocational issues. She would journal often about her experiences since “sophomore year, especially during tough times, I would journal. I remember journaling about my college decision process. I write in my journal a lot, especially that summer and into the fall and questioning where was I going?” Spiritual direction, most poignant after she returned from the challenging immersion experience, helped her come to a clearer realization about who she was and how she wanted to relate to others. The process involved some self-scrutiny, done in a spiritual direction relationship where she felt was “safe and comfortable,” and afforded her the ability to be honest with herself without reinforcing some of the negativity she experienced throughout her life. So maybe the six months before I left for my immersion experience and then for a while afterward I turned a lot inward and not like being a hermit but a lot of interior work,

118

inward work, in spiritual direction, and I needed that for my own benefit for my own understanding of who I am because I was I need to be a good friend instead of being a hot mess and to work on that. Rebekah also felt more comfortable in dealing with life’s complexity. Instead of seeing life as necessarily black and white, she found more comfort in seeing it not so much as an either/or but as a both/and. Her embrace of more complex and critical questioning of life through her spiritual direction relationship has been a pivotal learning experience and has helped her to think not only about the world, but also the Church, society, and how she more deeply and more critically makes sense of the world.

I think there was a growing awareness of the ambiguity of life, that life is not black and white. For me I am someone who is this very decisive person. Let us just make a decision about things. I am still like that in some ways but I am also coming to grapple with a more complex way of thinking about emotional, intellectual, and spiritual things and to deal with the ambiguity of that complexity.

This ambiguity, developed through the critically reflective and discerning movements developed in her spiritual direction led not only to a questioning of organized religion but also to a reflection on how she could be a leader for change in the Church. She feels, for example, that “the Church is made of humans and in some ways will always be imperfect and I am okay with that but how do you balance between that is okay and that is not okay?” Her processing of the study trip in spiritual direction further developed her realization of her gifts and her desire to become a spiritual leader for change in the Church. Given the nature of her abusive and dysfunctional experiences and her own working through that in spiritual direction, it is easy to understand her desire to work for change in structures that are abusive or harmful. She wants to be about positive change. She speaks of growing comfort in spiritual complexity, of being in community with people on her study tour who were critical of the Church, and her growing call to be an agent for change. These movements were “definitely defined in my spiritual direction sessions.”

A lot of the people on the trip had some bad experiences with the Church and so they are kind of pushing it away and not wanting to be part of this. It is too patriarchy. There is injustice happening. There are all these unholy things, all this complicity, which is true.

119

I knew that, but until this experience on this trip and what I experienced I felt uncomfortable with some of the things the church was doing but it helped me to understand the difference between spirituality and religion. I kind of realized the transformation in the church is not going to happen if I walk away from this Church.

She also felt that processing her study abroad experience helped defined who she was and what she wanted to do with her life.

We learned about Oscar Romero and the Jesuit martyrs who were killed [at the University of Central America in 1989], and what it means to stand up on the side of the poor and with the poor and it is still a very challenging call and that is where I feel I need to be. In the examples of people that we met, and learning about those Jesuit martyrs was very powerful.

Rebekah believes that from her formational experiences, and out of her spiritual work and direction, there was a growing awareness of where she could see her talents and gifts best be used. She also feels a growing sense of compassion and personal empowerment as she moves forward and graduates from her Jesuit university. She “thinks this notion of working for social justice, working toward solidarity, making life better, and wanting to understand from somebody else’s perspective the world very important for me.” She also feels that during her junior and senior year because of her spiritual involvement and ability to process what she comes across that she finds herself taking on more and more spiritual leadership roles. She finds that given her life journey, now that she has been able to reflect, discern, and heal from some elements from her past that she too can move into being a compassionate mentor and spiritual director. She is energized by the concept of surviving suffering and the role that suffering plays in people’s lives, and this is a powerful motivating factor for her future ministerial work. She took a Theology of Suffering class her senior year. I wrote my thesis on that which I just finished last week. I wrote it on this notion of a crucified people, the concept of that, and in solidarity with that. But I feel truly what the ‘option for the poor’ means that there is no option it is a prerogative, so that has been a formational spiritual awakening that I had.

In another example of her growth, her spiritual journey and her engagement in spiritual direction have made her aware of her talents and gifts and increased her confidence in being a

120

spiritual leader. She was “a leader on the university’s ‘experience retreat,’ which is focused on Ignatian spirituality specifically and different aspects of that.” She “was the director, and made sure that everything went smoothly as the point person.”

The retreat was good and I think, because of my spiritual journey, and meeting with my spiritual director often that this was that semester where I finally hit my stride. I came to know myself very well and was aware of who I am and who I am in knowing my gifts and strengths and my limitations.

She felt that because she was engaged so much in her spiritual development that her “senior year I feel I was set up to flourish.” She did feel at times that her spiritual life and her growth at the university contrasted with what was happening with her family dynamics, thus presenting a dichotomy. Yet, she also feels that the spiritual growth she was experiencing helped her to notice the distinction and to cope with that dichotomy. “I think that the spiritual growth that was happening here at the University with my spiritual director was happening at a time when my family life was especially chaotic and a lot of hurt was going on.” She felt “very happy with my life, and better able to cope, but it was almost like I was leading two lives, the life of my family and the life here at the university and my spiritual life.”

I have thought a lot about ministry and I think that will be an interesting journey. Coming to this university, working on healing my spirit, and opening my eyes to Catholicism and to Christianity and what it means to be a person of faith and what it means to do justice and I am thinking that could be interesting. So I am curious to see what happens with those experiences I have had. So especially my junior and senior year I took a leadership role in a lot of things.

Mark Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse Mark’s parents were both raised in the Catholic faith. He has six members in his family: his parents, an older brother, a younger sister and brother, and himself. Mark cites constant teasing from his three siblings that bordered on the abusive. He actually spoke to his siblings about how hurtful their teasing was. “And I am just like, ‘It is not fun for me because I cannot disassociate you from your teasing. I know I should be able to and I can do it with other people outside the family, but I cannot do it with you.’”

121

Mark also feels that he experienced a lot of teasing and bullying while he was in grade school. He claims that he did not have “any close relationships” during this time. “There was no connection with other classmates, but there was plenty of teasing going on. I would say I experienced bullying when I was in grade school.” This became more pronounced as he moved into junior high, as some guys he thought were friendly toward him actually were not. I did not realize it until the end of eighth grade. He was kind of an [expletive]. He signed my yearbook, “[Name], what a loser.” He did that because [Name] is a somewhat effeminate bastardization of my name. He was not the one to come up with that nickname, but he used it, in writing. I was just like, ‘Oh, okay’. I thought we were friends. In high school the bullying abated somewhat although it was still an ongoing source of tension with his siblings. He started to focus more on science courses, which he enjoyed and he found an outlet for some of the tensions of bullying by joining the swim team. During high school he did finally start making some male friendships and is still close with four men from that time. Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse One of the effects of all the teasing and bullying for Mark was a growing introversion, a drawing into himself, and not being able to relate to others or to stand up for himself. Regarding his siblings, “I rarely bothered them in return because I always had the mindset that you were my siblings and you are supposed to love me.” Holding all the negative messages from the teasing and bullying manifested itself in anger issues. “There are some times when I get angry with them and that bursts out.” Concerning classmates, again with the bullying he was receiving, Mark felt he “did not know how to deal with that,” which further compounded Mark’s negative self-image and misperceived inadequacies. “So there is not a whole lot that I know how to do.” He does feel support from his dad, however, in dealing with the effects of the abuse, “whether it is frustration with God or with other people.” Mark also struggled with a number of addictions “to help me cope with the bullying and the teasing.” He shared his life-long struggle with pornography. “I went looking for love in other places and I found that in Internet pornography. I became addicted to that very quickly. I knew it was wrong pretty much from the moment I started doing that.” He tried to stop “cold turkey” and saw the connection between desiring to have quality relationships with women and the way pornography was actually harming his chances with that. “I started going out with one

122

girl and she showed some genuine interest in me. I recognized that if I want to actually have a real relationship I need to stop having fake ones with these women on the Internet.” His addiction to pornography further reinforced the negative way he viewed himself. “I had low self-esteem because of pornography. And other things, but it was just a lot of, ‘I do not think I deserve anything.’” He shared that “this addiction to pornography is a constant struggle, I will be good for a while and then I will fall back into it for a bit, and then be good again.” He sees it affecting not only his relationship with women, but “also my relationship with God” for it “is a huge moral issue for me.” Mark also mentioned a second addiction for during “freshman year I added alcohol to the mix.” Mark is challenged with relating to women romantically. As he was dealing with his struggle with addiction to pornography while in high school and college while he also desired healthy relationships with women. “In eighth grade, I started to think it was more of subconscious thing, but, obviously I am more aware of it now, but I started having the mindset that if she is never going to say yes to me then why would any girl agree to go out with me.” He continued to struggle with pornography all the way into college. He knew that his struggle with pornography was hurting how viewed women and was subverting his ability to develop a quality relationship with a woman. Just because a girl was nice to him he felt that she was ‘the one.’ Mark had four women he was interested in throughout high school and college. Each woman rejected Mark and in the end wanted nothing to do with him. His first girlfriend, whom he was semi-dating at the time, “told me that she did not want to be in a relationship with me. And so I am just like, ‘Okay, okay fine.’ But I had already made the commitment to not watch pornography again so I am going to stick to that.” The second and third women that he was interested in he met in college. These two female students were involved in a Catholic young adult women’s group and were living in a faith-centered intentional living community. The Jesuit university they attended also had a similar community for Catholic men. The two female students he met invited him to “come back to our youth group and start hanging out with us.” During this time in Mark’s life he “was at a point where if any girl gives me attention for long enough, I am going to start liking her because she is a real human being. And that is so much better than what I have had.” Mark opened up about his addiction to one of the women from the youth group who also “decided that she did not want to be in relationship with me.” After that relationship was over Mark was finding himself

123

interested in the other Catholic woman in that same youth group who also ended up not wanting to have anything to do with him. I think that the feelings I had for her came to a point where I could not deal with them anymore. I told her about them. We stopped being friends. And then she explicitly kicked me out of her life, not just a separation, but a severing of relationship. She had said, “I do not want to see you. I do not want to hear you. I do not want to be around you.” And that was just saying, “I wish you were dead.” I became angry at that. That anger built up into hatred, not just for her, but all women for a time. Mark turned his attention to a fourth woman in that same house, but coupled with all the anger at the world that was building inside him and his sharing of why he had “so much anger in me. She could not deal with it.” He also claims that he “used to be a physically affectionate person, if I cared about someone I would show that in hugging and a pat on the shoulder.” His being physically affectionate, along with the anger, led to an intervention where this woman and two of her friends confronted Mark. She basically told me, “I care a lot about you and I want you to be happy, but I cannot deal with…all the… I cannot deal with the anger that you have and I cannot deal with the physical affection,” she did not use affection, she just said, “all the touching. I cannot deal with that, it makes me uncomfortable, and it was just generally, we cannot be friends anymore.” He was then given rules for visiting the Catholic women’s house regarding having to give them advance notice and that he could not be there when either this woman, or the woman who broke up with him before this were home. Eventually Mark received a restraining order from the Office of Student Life. “And the rules of that order, basically mean, I should not be around her as much as possible, just avoid contact with her, you cannot contact her on the internet or by phone or anything.” Mark has brought this issue into his spiritual direction experience. “I am pretty sure I have told my spiritual director everything there is to know about my experiences with women.” Mark’s anger issues affected his capacity to make friends. “One of my housemates is a snob.” Mark feels that this particular housemate’s “personality just grates against mine. He does not like the way I act and I do not like the way he acts.” Mark describes his housemate as “a very devout Catholic, driven, alpha male figure.” Mark’s anger can also be explosive. Mark

124

shared one example where “my roommate decided to freeze all of my underwear. So he gets this big jar and fills it with my underwear and a bunch of water and puts it in our freezer. When I found out that happened, I got so mad at him. I exploded.” Another incident occurred during Christmas while he was home, and his two brothers “after opening presents were hanging out and as typical they were teasing me and so I just got angry and exploded. I stormed out of the house wondering why I was so angry at everything.” Mark also had a low self-image because of the family teasing, the bullying he received in grade school and high school, his use of pornography, and his rejection by women at college that further entrenched his low self-image. After all the rejection by the women at college he felt he was “at a low-self-esteem point with myself and had all this anger exuding outward. I am at a low self-esteem point with myself. I do not like myself much.” On a retreat after his family Christmas experience Mark had this to say: I am just telling God, “I hate that I am so filled with anger that I cannot function. I hate that I am still having temptation to watch pornography. I hate all these things about myself and it went from those big things, like I hate that I cannot relate to my family very well, all that stuff, all the way down to the small stuff, like I hate that my eyes are off- centered. I hate that my ears are a little off kilter, etcetera, etcetera.” I just went through all of these things I do not like about myself. So putting this stuff outside of me made a lot of room for God to just come into me. Textural Description of Spiritual Direction The role of God in Mark’s life because of such intense emotions, have led to an intense spiritual journey. He tried to understand most of these negative experiences with by talking with his father about them, praying to God (usually during long walks), finding self-awareness on retreats, and eventually through spiritual direction during college. His father is an important spiritual figure for him. “I was able to talk about faith issues and my struggles with my dad who was in the Jesuits at one time.” He finds his walks an important time of prayer that helps him process things and to try to come to some understanding about who he is. He likes to take these “prayer walks” because he finds the solitude frees him to be verbal in prayer, which he finds helpful. So, I am thinking I am going to find my peace outside and so I am just walking around and on the roads, and I am just telling God, “I hate that I am so filled with anger that I

125

cannot function.” Verbal prayer is something that has worked very well for me for to express with God what I am feeling. As Mark was trying to deal with the rejection of the women during college, he had a very powerful prayer experience while out on one of his prayer walks. So the next morning I went out for a walk and the house that we were staying at had a dog. So that dog starts following me when we were outside, that was just part of my memory of the experience, I do not think the dog had anything to do with my prayer that morning. So that morning I was just like, I wanted to let God in again and that desire expressed itself in the prayer, which was based on the Jesus prayer, and I think there is a psalm that has “be with me Lord” in it. Yeah, but the morning prayer I came up with was “Be with me Father, create me anew this day, be with me Holy Spirit, fill me with your joy, goodness, and love for others, be with me Jesus Christ, save me from my sins, be with me Lord, I pray.” Yeah, and the few people I have shared that with, they are astounded at it and some people have asked me, “Where did you find that prayer?” And I have said, “I did not find it, so much as it found me.” Eventually Mark’s life struggles and how they affected him led him to attend Catholic retreats where Mark started to have spiritual direction and then in college led him to Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD). On one retreat where Mark was spiritually directed his retreat director gave him a passage from Psalm 139 from the Bible to pray over during spiritual direction. Mark said that the passage he was given was, “Lord you have probed me and you know me, to which I responded, ‘Yeah, what do you know?’” I walked outside and I asked that question and in just a four or five minute time period, I got three responses from God. And the first response was, “You have family and friends who love you, and you need to love them more.” And the second response was, “I will always be with you. And the third response was, “I will love you no matter what.” Mark entered into a one-on-one spiritual direction relationship with that same Jesuit director when Mark returned to campus his junior year. I did not recognize my need for a spiritual director until the summer between sophomore and junior year and so when I came back at the start of my junior year I sent that Jesuit priest an e-mail saying “Hey, I enjoyed working with you on the retreat last year and I would like to start seeing you more often as a full time director.”

126

Mark wanted to enter into a spiritual direction relationship because of needing “spiritual help to process everything I was going through. I could not do it alone.” He also entered into a spiritual direction relationship because he felt comfortable with his director and he felt that his director has been helpful in helping Mark make sense of the way God works with him concerning life issues. They “met about once every other week, typically.” And I have to admit that it has been a slower process where I come to realizations over time with the spiritual direction in terms of figuring out what God is trying to tell me through an experience. Not so much an active prayer about it, it is just the occasional reflection on “remember when that happened?” I reflect back on an experience and I just find spiritual direction assisting me to see where God is leading me. Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction Spiritual direction has led Mark to have a more whole and positive image of self. Mark recounted a time when he was on one of his prayer walks, “went to get a cup of tea at a coffee shop down by the river.” While there Mark had a positive interaction with a woman friend and they “talked for about forty five minutes” about life after college. On the walk home, in prayer, “as I walked back up to campus I prayed to God about how incredible it was to have legs. I started to thank God for the fact that I can walk and that I am capable of walking.” Mark expressed how that “was a positive experience for me because before I was always abusing my body and who I was.” Mark brought that to spiritual direction and he found encouragement in the spiritual direction process and to keep “praying along those lines.” Something my spiritual director took out of that experience when I told him was him saying to continue to thank God for your body and all the good things you can do with it, because that will help you think positively about who you are as God created you instead of all the negativity that I have had with pornography and how I viewed myself. So that helped me to see how very good it was that I have hands and arms and legs and a heart that beats and a head. I feel that was a good, just a very good thing for me to realize because of how very much against my past self it was. So I found a good use and understanding of the goodness of my body in a sense. I started to recognize all the good things I used it for. So that was something my spiritual director helped me with. A second area that spiritual direction positively benefited Mark was in dealing with healing from past hurts and how those hurts affected his emotions. The first time he met with his

127

current spiritual director was on a retreat his sophomore year. During that retreat Mark remembers that he “was in the midst of all that anger, and he gave me a lot of Bible verses to pray over during that retreat.” Mark took those verses and was told to “pray on them all day and so I went through that and it helped me back away from my anger a lot. I calmed down a good deal after that but at times later on I was still angry, just not as much.” Mark feels that spiritual direction has helped him have a deeper understanding of who God is and how God sees him, and to embrace the sacred in him and in others. This growing sense of seeing himself and others as sacred has led to an increase in forgiveness for himself and for others. His spiritual director “just started encouraging me to invite God into my day and this opened me up to the possibility that I could have God so close because God wanted to be close because God created me as a lovable being.” Mark feels that he has a more positive self-image reinforced through his time in spiritual direction. He is learning to accept the fact that “he is lovable” and this has helped him see others less as objects but more as human beings, flawed but loved. Spiritual direction has helped him grow into a more forgiving and compassionate person. Mark recounted a time when he was at Mass and saw there one of the women that rejected him as she was offering a prayer “for her father who had just lost his job.” I was at a point where I was not angry with her. Hearing her prayer made me recognize she has had so many problems and so much more difficult an experience here at this university than I have had. I cannot possibly hate her or be angry with her ever again. And I felt compassion for her and I recognized because of my initial friendship with her that had built up well and it was a strong friendship until it broke. I recognized you know I still do care about her and I am completely free of hatred for her. I do not have anything negative I could possibly say about her. But this past year whenever I see her, I am actually happy about it because, yes, we stopped being friends and that was my fault, but there is so much good that she did for me that I cannot help but be thankful for her and the fact that God put her into my life was just such a blessing. A major transformation that spiritual direction has assisted Mark is in the ability to develop more quality relationships with others, particularly women. Mark believes that the Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) he has received has “helped me to value women a great deal.” He realizes now as a senior how he

128

. . . used to treat them as objects, but this year some of my best friends are women. I think I said it yesterday but I am very aware of the challenges that I face in terms of how to relate to women because of my past experiences but because of what I have dealt with this issues in spiritual direction I am much more aware of how to deal with that in the future. Any future relationships that I have with women, if they end better than those past ones, then that is because I learned something and because I am much more capable of love for women in general. The past four years have been my worst experience with women, and I hope I do not have anything worse, but because I learned how to deal with how I relate to them better now, I do not think I will. I think God has let me to care for myself and this has led me to care for women in general in a much deeper sense. The spiritual direction I have had in my own reflection on my life and in the fits and spurts I have had the past four years has been helpful to me in terms of making me grow up into a man who values other people for who they are. Paul Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse Paul’s mother is Catholic and was raised in a conservative manner concerning her Catholic faith. “Catholicism was sort of a more authoritarian thing pressed upon her by her parents. One was German the other was Irish (her parents). It was pretty intense for her.” Paul’s father was not raised Catholic but converted to Catholicism through the Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults (RCIA) when he was in college. Paul has two younger brothers. One of those younger brothers is closer in age to Paul than the other, which is important in terms of how Paul relates to his two brothers. The family moved around quite a bit because of his dad’s work, which made it hard for Paul to make friends. They lived in five different States when Paul was in pre-school, grade school, and then high school. They moved within one year to two different States. The moving around a lot was “necessary because of my dad’s work but it was tough at times especially in developing lasting friendships” in grade school. The difficulty in having a close friendship was further exacerbated in the two different high schools he attended and the fact that Paul “actually ended up going to a different high school than most of the other kids” in the area. Paul describes his father’s character as “an introvert and a humble man,” but also,

129

strict when it came to discipline. If there was something definitively wrong that we did we would hear about it, be yelled at, and when we were younger, be spanked, and punished in some way. Over time it was sort of a big thing. The punishment was not only verbal, but also physical, and it was constant. Paul also stated he had an abusive nun one year in grade school which was quite traumatic for him. “Everyone seemed pretty afraid of her.” “She was very strict. Good old ruler on the back of the wrist kind of stuff. I got spanked every day because I was always acting out.” Paul had two major losses during a capstone year abroad between high school and his first year of college that were hard losses for him. The first one was a friend’s mother. The second was a friend that he made at the last high school he attended. These deaths affected Paul initially with sadness at the loss, but then made him appreciate his own life better. I had this personal struggle with dealing with my friend’s mom’s death. I came back and my friend’s mom was not there. Also, one of my close friends, he got Leukemia soon after I went abroad. He struggled with it and battled and got better and got worse and right before I came back he passed away. He was my age. I can still hardly fathom that. I came back and he passed away. The death of these two people made me think of how I am going to use this one life I have been graciously given. Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse The moving around a lot as a child, the constant and strong discipline from his father, and the actions of his religious sister in grade school affected Paul. The first effect of these harsh experiences for Paul led to his acting out as a child. “In grade school I was a total snot and brat and causing all sorts of trouble.” Another manifestation of this acting out Paul felt led him to be untrustworthy toward others. “During grade school I was always a sneaky kid. I was working around doing what I needed to do, lying about what I was doing, and trying to whittle out of any sneaky situation.” The second effect of these traumatic experiences found Paul being a bully to his younger brother. He also felt the need to always be the leader of things and in control of everything. “We had my first brother and when he started kindergarten, I started to pick on him and being a lousy older brother which I regret to this day.” Paul looks back on that period as a time he “disappointed myself and I was disappointing to him to have his older brother, just be so mean to

130

him, make him cry and just being a jerk.” This bullying of Paul’s also translated into a need to be in control. I could definitely tell the difference between when I was in a good mood and was somewhat nice to my brothers and when I was in a bad mood and I was mean to them and I had that short term power-high of being mean to them and getting what I wanted and being superior over them and having control. The tension with his next-younger brother is ongoing but they “have been working out of that tension and sometimes disdain for each other.” A third effect of his childhood and formational experience came in college after Paul came back from his capstone year abroad where he had “a little bit of a dip after my plateau” abroad where Paul became involved in some self-destructive behavior. “I got more into drinking and being promiscuous and just struggling with all that.” Paul felt he “kind of let go in a lot of ways.” The life that Paul was leading his first year of college after that capstone year was filled with “a lot of partying, a lot of craziness, a lot of phony friends, and a lot of spreading life too thin.” The control theme also reappears in Paul’s first year in college. “I was foolishly looking for something that I did not want, trying to be the top dog on campus who did it all.” Adding to his self-destructive behavior, Paul also added to the fact the he “was spreading life too thin was when he “tried joining a fraternity and started that and then I started to think, ‘Whoa, whoa, whoa.’” Everything was very shortsighted of me, self-centered, pleasure-centered, and hedonistic. Along with that came a lot of demons with objectification of women, masturbation, and addiction to pornography and all these things that just get wrapped up with it. Paul experienced three effects of the dysfunction and abusive experiences from childhood: acting out and being untrustworthy, being a bully who needed to be in control, and letting go with self- destructive behavior. Textural Description of Spiritual Direction The Catholic Church “has always been a big part of my life, being Baptized, first communion, reconciliation, confirmation, the sacraments, the smells and bells. Tradition has always been a big part of our family, kind of a constant.” His mother was more of the vanguard of carrying on the Catholic faith in the family.

131

It was always my mom being the one more willing to step out and try something new, trying to make our family do more such as during Easter she would bring out more readings and we would explore a little bit during Christmas, trying to figure out the true meaning of these holidays. Tried to focus less on the commercial, worldly aspects of the holidays and more on what Jesus did for us when he came to earth and died and rose. The tradition of religion has always been there but the faith of finding meaning in religion has developed and changed and waxed and waned in the years. Through attending church liturgies, religious education classes, and retreats from grade school into high school he noticed a movement where religion transitioned into a more complex articulation of faith. “So I think growing up this notion of organized religion morphed into a journey into faith and what I could not understand.” This drive to understand his faith more through the all the religion and spiritual engagement he was engaged in helped heal some of the minor dysfunction he experienced growing up. I wanted to understand or glimpse a little understanding that I guess it is better to live a life of selflessness and living for others than just yourself and open your heart. I guess it is better to be a goodly brother than an angry brother. These were faith articulations that were happening for me. And I guess Jesus is who he says he is and we can hardly fathom again how a person can be fully divine and fully human at once. I think it is our choice whether were gonna believe that or not. So I started to think and choose, “yeah I am going to believe that.” This faith journey led to Paul attending more retreats while in college. First, he went on his Jesuit university’s leadership retreat where he met many people who he is still friends with. He enjoyed that experience and went on a more faith-based retreat. “It was around that time beginning of second semester there was another retreat offered for freshman that had some spiritual direction. I decided to go on that.” After that retreat he started to discover a new spirit and “decided to cut my ties with the guys at the fraternity. It is one of those things that, you wonder how life would have been different if you did or did not go on a retreat like that.” His first experience with spiritual direction happened when Paul decided to be a youth minister one summer at a retreat center. I got a call on the phone from this roommate Trevor, and one of this other best-friends from high school, Matt, and they had met up on the summer staff of Catholic youth

132

expedition up in Door County, Wisconsin. And there is this big group of fifteen men and women that live in community at a retreat center in Door County and they bring high school students up for certain weekends and college students up for certain weekends and some different retreats for families. Paul felt this ministerial experience was filled with “all these amazing experiences of nature and God and that was kind of my first contact with a definitive spirituality and with spiritual direction. The community was very strong and intentional. That was the first time I experienced anything like that.” The overall experience for Paul that summer “was totally different, completely mind blowing. It was eye-opening to see how far I had come on my spiritual journey and I appreciated being there.” There was a woman spiritual director/leader during the retreat and Paul would seek her out for spiritual direction. Through the spiritual conversations Paul had with her he started to discern for the first time a possible vocation to the priesthood. That woman spiritual director/leader of the camp told me, after I was heading out, she asked me “Paul, have you ever thought about being a priest?” And I am telling her, “I can honestly say I have not thought about it and you are crazy! I love you and you are like a mom to all of us and I am not going to disappoint you by saying ‘no’ but, but I think ‘no.’” At that point when she threw out that idea it was just that this spark but it simmered and kind of kindled for a whole year. It is a discernment process. Paul also met with a male “short-term spiritual director on that trip and he was cool and insightful.” Paul, after that summer retreat ministry experience, came back to the campus of his Jesuit university and “went on a discernment group led by a Jesuit priest on campus and he gave me time to contemplate on the Ignatian method of discernment and to get a true meaning of all those Jesuit buzzwords that everyone talks about and what do they essentially mean.” From meeting with this director Paul gained a better sense of Ignatian Spirituality and how to put that spirituality into practice. He discovered, “saying these sayings is not as important as doing these things. To see these words and to live them out, to put them in action is a whole other deal.” Paul began seeing a regular Jesuit spiritual director for “this last year for spiritual direction along with meeting with the vocational discernment group as well.” He has been meeting “one-on-one with my spiritual director and it seems that he has a real gift for spiritual

133

direction.” Paul stated that his spiritual director “is able to see to the core of what I bring up in our spiritual discussions.” He asks me questions that challenge me. For example, he might ask me “do you think are you doing it for this reason or is there an alterior motive here? Maybe you should explore that community issue where you expected people to put spirituality above academics and he is directing me to see “you cannot expect people to do that all the time.” Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction An important marker the reveals the effects of Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) is a Paul’s moral development. Through his spiritual direction he came to the realization or “first inkling of, wow, I should try to lead a good life, love the people in my life and do my best to love and believe in God.” Paul believes that the spiritual direction in which he is engaged has helped him to develop not only his spirituality but also his capacity to grasp the sacred in all things. “Sometimes I just reflect on what is the good in this situation and not what can I get out of it, but where is the sacred and the peace of God in that situation, or in friendships and family and brothers.” Paul, instead of just going through the motions of faith “as something one just does” now believes that he owns his faith. His faith is something he lives for and is a part of who he is as a spiritual being. “Spirituality is something I own and has been growing in me the past year and it is something I thirst for. I now see God in all things, in all people, in all experiences of life.” A second area that Paul sees spiritual direction in assisting his overall development is in his becoming more virtuous as into being a more moral person. In spiritual direction his director gave him scripture passages to reflect on that revealed how people in the Bible, and how people currently use the Bible for hate and vice rather than for love and being virtuous. Concerning people in Christian scriptures, Paul reflected back on the passages he was given and found concerning hatred and vice, “that all the writings where Jesus points out or the disciples point out all of that hypocrisy where people can use words for hate.” Paul continued his reflection on how people today sometimes use the Bible for anything but promoting love, forgiveness, and community.” “The people that hate use certain words and passages from scripture that fulfill their mission, their agenda. Jesus lived so we might all be healed and he gave us a new law to love neighbor as self.

134

The sense of sacredness plus a growing moral awareness has also awakened Paul’s social conscience and awareness of working to be more socially just especially where the environment is concerned. “This past Lent I pushed myself that way too, not sitting in the shower as long, not wasting as much water, not using as much electricity, just being conscious of the environment. It is putting one’s self through a very small sacrifice for a greater good.” He feels his spiritual direction has opened him up to wanting to be involved in the Catholic Church as a leader and to be more active and involved in Catholic social justice issues. A third area where Paul feels Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) was helpful was in improving his relationships with family and friends. Paul feels that as he has worked on relationships with his spiritual director. He feels a call to heal his relationships with his brothers, to be more honest in all relationships, and to discover the courage to risk and go deeper in his friendships. Paul, learning from his spiritual direction has felt regret over how he treated his brothers and now “I have a deep desire to heal the rift I created.” I am going to move out of the house soon and I am not going to have a good relationship with my brothers and it is going to be an uphill battle trying to fix it once I am out of the house, because I will only see them from time to time, but I know it is worth it. Paul has found that being in spiritual direction and the risk in sharing deeply in that setting has helped him have more open, honest relationships and he feels “that my friendships here since coming to this Jesuit University and since spiritual direction are founded on something deep.” Paul admits to the struggle of discernment and the struggles he had his first year concerning his self-destructive behavior. He has found his spiritual journey and the work he has done in spiritual direction helped him risk sharing and finding community in that sharing of mutual support. And, with a couple of my friends it has been something that we challenge each other to talk about every once in a while. How we are doing with that? Where are we struggling? Trying to be strong, resisting things that we know are not good for us. Those kinds of conversations are very, very vulnerable. It has got to be completely based on trust and faith. Paul has moved away from being self-focused, hedonistic, and the need to be the big man on campus toward being more relationally focused and on how to be a better friend to others. “I think we all just want people to be open and honest with us in any good relationship.” Paul has a

135

good friend in school that has developed into a relationship of mutual care. Paul cares for this friend and the relationship has developed through a sharing of their mutual struggles to the point where they know each other “so well and to trust each other that sometimes we prefer to be silent than say something and we can both tell.” Reflecting on that friendship Paul realizes that it “takes courage to bring something to the forum and then try to both then work through it.” An important part of developing friendships, relating to others, and fostering community for Paul has been a relinquishing of control and a movement out of self-centeredness. Paul’s awareness of this occurred when “I was talking with my spiritual director and how I have to work on controlling only what I can control and not expect more of people than what they value or are able to give or can give.” Paul has come to learn that his engagement with spiritual direction also involved having better relationships with others. “We have a Christian call to be there for other people and to be more Christ-centered and to love people.” Paul realizes that in order to foster relationships with integrity “is to work together to solve problems.” Further, to be in authentic relationship with others also means for him “to not avoid conflict in relationships.” Paul finally finds that Ignatian spiritual direction has helped him to flourish and to find direction in life through discernment. The notion of flourishing for Paul relates to the Ignatian term Magis, or a striving for excellence. Paul, out of this notion of desiring to strive for excellence sees this as a personal quest, a quest that is done relationally, and something that is forming his discernment to be a Christian leader, perhaps as a Catholic priest. This movement stands in stark contrast to the more self-centered and hedonistic Paul toward a man who wants to serve and minister to others. And Magis has been a big part of my life. I think the closest understanding of Magis is that to give yourself to do more, to seek out God’s will and live it out in a full way with others, to flourish and not being happy with the status quo in preparing yourself to do more in the church. It is about quality not quantity. This discernment centers on major life choices, such as where to go for a summer abroad learning experience and vocational discernment after college. He firmly believes that “when you discern and make the right choices it just shows you that God is part of our lives and shows us where we belong.” He has seen that there is a complexity to discernment that moves beyond saying ‘yes’ to every good choice. “That is the thing I have learned recently about discernment

136

is that everything you say yes to, inherently means you are going to have to say no to other things.” One of the discernment questions for Paul for the fall semester of his senior year was where he is “going to study abroad in the fall and after I make that decision where will I study abroad.” Paul’s choice is between two different countries. He believes he has received good guidance through this discernment process with his spiritual director. “I would have been completely lost without some help from the Jesuits and my Jesuit spiritual director here.” Paul, through his discernment process, made a decision and for him “it was just this sense of peace in where I was to go.” So it made it tough, but praying and reflecting and meeting with my spiritual director led to a sense of peace about what to do. That is when you realize you are blessed and that God is good. We always have some good options. Paul is also discerning with his spiritual director about what to do with his life after college. “I have definitely been discerning the priesthood. To move where God wants me to fully love and experience God’s love for me fully.” Part of his decision is between the choice of becoming a Catholic priest versus the call to the married life. Priscilla Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse Priscilla experienced a lot of trauma and abuse in her life that started when she was very young. Her father is from the west coast and her mother is from the Midwest. They met at a university on the west coast where they went to medical school. When Priscilla was two years old her father took her swimming at the local pool. After they were done swimming they went into the locker room and her dad collapsed and died from a congenital heart defect right in front of her. He died right away. I had no idea what was going on. I thought that he was taking a nap. And so someone in the locker room I think he was a teenager said to call 911 and at the hospital he was pronounced dead. A history of physical abuse and violence is found on her mother’s side. Her mother’s “oldest brother was very violent and physically abusive in the home all growing up. She thinks he has bipolar disorder but now they do not keep in very much contact.” The family has “disassociated themselves from him just because he is kind of irrational.”

137

A second traumatic experience for Priscilla was that her mother was unable to look after her. Her mother worked fourteen hour shifts as a doctor and then also had a part time job. A poignant and painful episode for Priscilla happened with her mother and this episode affected Priscilla deeply. In sixth grade, it was in the morning, and I said to my mom, “I am tired” and she replied “just stay home from school.” I said to her, “Okay that is so great!” So we are just hanging out at the house and there was a painter across the street at my neighbor’s house. He was a teenage boy or in college and I said to my mom, “mom why is he always looking at me? Who is that guy?” My mom went into panic mode and she is on the phone calling the police and yelling at the police. My mom is telling the police “this guy is trying to take my daughter help, help! She pulled me away from the window. It was a crazy thing. So then the police came and our neighbors came and all of the sudden my mom was being taken away in a squad car. I was in sixth grade and so I did not know what was going on. It was a very odd day. She was asking me to say the Our Father to the police, or when she called me later on from the hospital she wanted me to say the Hail Mary over the phone. She should not have let me stay home that day. It was not characteristic. There was just no reason. She was a very stable person and then she snapped. Priscilla’s mother “ended up having bipolar disorder.” Priscilla felt that she should have seen the breakdown coming for “now that I am older I remember that she would write all night. I noticed all these symptoms were manifesting themselves but came to a head that one day.” Priscilla recalled that from the time she was eight and after her mother’s breakdown that they always had strong fights. “We would call them ‘humdingers’ and she would slam the door so hard that paint chips would fall off the hinges. It was more just yelling and always making fun of me and running me down.” These fights were so traumatic for Priscilla that she, “pushed them out of my mind, I kind of blocked them out. They were amplified because of what she had.” Priscilla remarked that her mother’s breakdown and anger issues were a “foundational experience for me, and a very big part of my childhood.” Her mom started “dating someone steady” when Priscilla was eleven. Priscilla did not like him at first because she “never had a male figure in my life.” They eventually married and Priscilla grew in her dislike of her stepfather for he “was a very stern man, a lawyer, and very

138

strict and set in his ways.” Her stepfather has another daughter from a previous marriage. Priscilla’s future stepfather was an alcoholic. Whenever he was drunk he would stand-up Priscilla’s mother on dates, which then “her bipolar disappointment set her off.” The alcohol made him sterner, and while favoring his daughter from the previous marriage, he was emotionally abusive toward Priscilla. “He would talk down to me because he did not want my mom to be mad at him and he did not want my stepsister to be mad at him so I got all of his anger and frustration.” One example of how her stepfather favored his other daughter while for Priscilla “he made me feel like I am deficient for forgetting to put a dish in the dishwasher whereas she could leave dishes all over the house.” Priscilla was affected by this double standard. Another example is when he visited his first daughter “he did not drink when she was with him, because he knew he had to be responsible with her.” The emotional abuse extended to Priscilla’s friends “he would use his brilliant mind to make them feel stupid.” Priscilla escaped this negative home environment and found in high school a more loving environment in “this family that lived about a mile away. This family became my second family.” Priscilla felt a deep sense of regret that her childhood experience was different than her peers. She was amazed to see that families could “laugh, and love, and have fun together.” Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse The death of her biological father filled her with a regret of what might have been especially when she viewed him through the lens of how she was treated by her stepfather. Priscilla remarked that “one of the cool things” that her mother did after her father died was that she “asked everyone to write a letter about him just so that I could remember him because I really do not remember anything about him.” The letters portrayed him as a “patient, very upbeat, lively guy.” I have read only about 10 of the letters because they instantly make me cry and I am not normally a crier but that will make me cry almost instantly. I wonder what he was like and how my life might be different. He could never live up the expectations of my real dad. Priscilla entered into therapy when she was in sixth grade to deal with what was going on with her mother and to deal with the anger and emotional abuse of her stepfather. A major reason for entering into therapy was that she was always fearful, afraid, and scared. When her stepfather was at home drunk and her mother was away working, Priscilla “was terrified or

139

dreaded being alone at home with him.” He would just fight with me about anything, such as “Why is the fridge empty?” She also recalled living through that episode and living with her bipolar mother as “a very scary time. It was really scary.” She mentions that she was scared when her mom was in the hospital. She was “afraid to mess up all the time.” This fear made “it really hard moving to develop friendships in grade school. I got teased sometimes.” Finally, some of the more painful memories she “kind of blocks them out. I have to push them out of my mind.” As Priscilla was growing up, she found fear and insecurity about how to handle things to be a major stumbling block. The relationship with her stepfather and the fear it engendered in her made her “cry a ton in high school and my mom knew that he favored my stepsister and was mean to me but she did not know what to do.” Textural Description of Spiritual Direction Priscilla’s spiritual journey in the Catholic faith began when she was little. She attended public grade school up until the sixth grade when she entered a Catholic grade school. Since she was in public school for those early years she had to go to religious education classes on Sundays. By the time she entered Catholic grade school with classmates who had daily lessons in the Catholic faith she “felt like she was very behind in religion.” She felt also that “she was jumping into the middle of things and excluded from things because they all had already formed their niches.” One turning point from that grade school experiences for Priscilla was when her mother suggested that Priscilla and some of her friends should start going to church together. They began to do that and also began going together to her parish’s youth group. The youth group initially had ten members. Priscilla mentioned that the youth group had recently received a new youth minister who “was in her thirties, had four kids, and we hit it off right away.” One of the things that Priscilla liked about this new woman youth minister was that “she shared her life and her faith warts and all.” She is a very open person and she told us her whole life story and shared her faith journey with us. She had crazy college experiences and she was married and that was great for her. Then she found God and how her deepening faith guided her to youth group ministries. Priscilla really became involved in this youth group. She went on mission trips, was a participant and a leader in youth retreats, she took part in parish plays, and she attended Christian

140

youth conferences. She chose a Jesuit university because of an interaction with another person who went to that university and sang its praises. She credits this youth minister, and an older male co-leader in helping bring out the leadership abilities of these ten core members. She is still in contact with both of them and refers to the woman youth minister as her first spiritual director. “She has been a spiritual director and youth group leader for me and for others.” The youth group met twice a week with Sundays being more social and Tuesdays being more faith-based. Priscilla became involved in campus ministry during her first year of college at her Jesuit university. She participated in retreats, some of which had spiritual direction experiences. She also became a leader for the University’s leadership retreat and, as part of that experience, each of the five members had to enter into a dedicated spiritual direction relationship. She was really excited to enter into this spiritual direction relationship because she had nurturing and powerful experiences on the two spiritually directed retreats she had attended. A male campus minister gave her one-on-one spiritual direction. It was not a positive experience for her. She thought the sessions were “kind of dry, surface-level stuff about my day, about school and service stuff, but it did not go too deeply.” One of her friends remarked, “You did not talk about growing up, or your family issues, or high school or grade school stuff?” Priscilla however did find the experiences she had with spiritual directors on different retreats to be more positive. On one retreat in particular she felt that “the woman spiritual director really listened to me.” Out of those two positive experiences and one lackluster experience, Priscilla “came to realize that it is really the person that you go to and whether or not you click.” She also learned that the quality of “spiritual direction can vary from person to person and from spiritual director to spiritual director and I guess I necessarily was not told that when I started spiritual direction.” Further, Priscilla feels that there is a need for better marketing on campuses that spiritual direction is available for students. Further, she believes that better indoctrination into what spiritual direction is all about should be offered. She also felt that spiritual directors should be better trained, offer better guidance, and be more proactive in scheduling appointments. I think when offering spiritual direction at a university that is a Jesuit university, it should be advertised. They need to teach people how to get involved in it, tell them what it is all about, and other ways to get involved in spirituality on campus a little bit better. And you have to encourage students to find a good spiritual director, be on top of them, and offer a little more guidance.

141

Overall, Priscilla finds, however, the spiritual direction process as being worthwhile. “I definitely plan on doing this again I just need to shop around for a spiritual director that fits me.” Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction A major turning point in Priscilla’s life was when she joined the youth group at her parish, where she first experienced what spiritual direction was with the young dynamic woman and the elderly layman who were the youth leaders and directors of the group. She credits being a part of that group and the spiritual direction she received during that time as helping her to get in touch with her own faith and to understand it more deeply. “I started to own my spirituality and know my faith better during high school. My mom did not make me go to youth group she did not make me go on these retreats. I chose to go on them.” As she moved on to her senior year of high school she took on more and more of a leadership position. “As I grew, people knew me, and they would be excited to see me, it was almost like they looked up to me as a leader . . . you know how things go and so I was seen as a role model there.” Priscilla found going to church and participating in youth group as her “safe haven. I totally attribute youth group to the reason why I have great friends, a deep spirituality, why have the values I do, and why I got involved in campus ministry at this university.” The positive spiritual direction experiences at her Jesuit university she believes were healing experiences that offered her wholeness. “I like how the process looks at the person holistically – as holy – all the parts that make up who I am.” Spiritual direction has helped her to encounter the holy, to encounter God in other people Through faith and hearing people’s stories is where I find God. I get started to know people through faith. I mean, I go to church but it is the relationships that matter to me in the sharing of faith with others and so it is not necessarily Scripture but faith. Priscilla also feels her immersion into spiritual programs on campus and her engagement with spiritual direction helped her to become more comfortable around and more adept at using different spiritual resources. There was a lot of Ignatian spirituality and spiritual direction components, for example, you do the Examination of Conscience. You do Emmaus walks. So getting introduced to that was cool, to learn all the different components and resources available around Ignatian spirituality. I think one of the great things I have gotten from this university and through spiritual direction is the ability to be able to find multiple ways of engaging my

142

spirituality in different people and different programs and in different retreats – all sorts of different resources. Since Priscilla was involved in spiritual pursuits early on, before high school. Through her engagement with spiritual direction in high school and during her college years she attributes to a lot of the healing she has experienced. This healing also helped her become more self-aware of her own goodness and how much God loves her. “I have seen a lot of healing over the years” and out of that experience of being spiritually directed on the two retreats she attended, it helped “guide me well and helped me to know myself better and in a more whole way.” She found the process one of growth, balance, and self-awareness, a process “where I grew so much, found balance in life, and I started to understand myself more and more.” She finds the sacred, the holy, God, “in all the things I do, in who I am. I find God in the breeze and in my relationships rather than just in talking about Scripture.” Since she finds herself as holy and the sacred in others and in all things; she finds that faith and spirituality for her developed relationally, in the everyday encounters and experiences of life. Part of her growing self-awareness was her understanding that she is a moral and virtuous being and is attracted to other virtuous people. If I look back over my faith journey, my spiritual development, and being engaged in retreats and especially through spiritual direction, I notice that I surround myself with people who are very virtuous and trying to be good as well as I am and that this is grown and developed over time. She uses adjectives such as honest, compassionate, kind, good, forgiving, courageous, and balanced as words that describe her. She feels that spiritual direction and her work in spirituality has made her “over the years, and especially the work in spiritual direction gave me the confidence to be who I wanted to be and I am comfortable, and kind, and I am blessed to be a very stable person.” She has also credited her spiritual work and her spiritual direction with giving her the passion and the courage to work for social justice causes. She is especially centered on those causes that minister to the homeless and advocate against poverty. In one of the immersion experiences to a city in Southern Ohio she felt herself called to this work. We worked in an area that was transitioning into a trendy area and so that is interesting because the mixture of all the homeless people that were there before and now all these

143

trendy restaurants and the poor people that were there before feeling pushed out because rents are becoming higher and this really made me angry at how unjust that was. In college she has been working on behalf of the homeless throughout her time there. She is a site coordinator for a food-kitchen and homeless shelter. The program originally started as a program where the students “used to go out at night and spend time with the homeless and bring them food.” However, the program has transitioned into more of a homeless shelter/food pantry and kitchen. “We do not necessarily do that anymore because the homeless need food not just at night but also for breakfast and lunch. So we do breakfast, lunch, and dinner meal programs.” She is really passionate about this issue and now that the student-run program at her university has “just now partnered with the church that is literally right next to it, the people have a warm place to come and it has exponentially grown.” Counteracting her feeling scared and afraid much of her childhood, Priscilla feels that the Ignatian Spiritual Direction she received have increased her self-confidence. Priscilla credits spiritual direction for giving her the confidence to be a leader. She has grown as a spiritual leader she feels, because of the confidence given by spiritual mentors and spiritual directors throughout her life. In high school and in college she led a number of retreats. She also went on immersion trips and took on a leadership role as she led prayer vigils, faith talks, and coordinated small groups. She also was a resident assistant during her last two years of college. She “was able in my time in spiritual direction to own and be comfortable in my faith.” As a resident assistant, she noted that, freshmen look up to me and me being competent and confident in who I am and to know that I was doing good things. I know that I was a good role model. I think my faith gave me the confidence to be who I wanted to be. People deal with a lot of things in life and I have dealt with a lot of things in my life, but one of the graces that I got in my life was the extended family and friends in the youth minister who was a spiritual mentor director for me. There are people who suffer emotional abuse and have no one to turn to. So I think my faith and my connection with spiritual programs and retreats and direction and faithful friends gave me the stability to be able to ground myself, despite my experiences. I think because I did have faith as my outlet that this made me a stable person and I could go to that and be comforted by it and know what to expect from my faith. Spirituality

144

and spiritual direction makes a difference and has made a difference in my life, no question. Elizabeth Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse Elizabeth comes from a family of four: her mother, her father, Elizabeth and then a younger brother in Northern Ohio. The family was Catholic. She and her younger brother both attended Catholic schools from grade school through college. Elizabeth felt all her life that she was the family mediator and caretaker for her parents who “were more like children than adults.” Her mother is cold and emotionally distant whereas her father is emotionally needy “very affectionate; too much, a turn-off.” She speculates that her dad developed his needy codependent personality because his father “was a severe alcoholic” and “I do not know if he was necessarily abused physically, but emotionally.” Elizabeth felt that “part of the reason my dad was so needy . . . is because he never got that love” growing up. The atmosphere in the house for Elizabeth and her brother ranged from a cold détente between the parents to extreme fighting between her parents. The fighting stemmed from the differences in their personalities, a “father needing my mom’s affection and my mom unable to give that to him or to us” and over financial issues. Her father “is very frugal even though he grew up like that. I know that pisses my mom off. She is like I grew up with no money. We both work hard. We are financially secure. Let us enjoy life.” In eighth grade her parents lied to her and her younger brother which was a deep betrayal for her. On her birthday, her parents offered to fix up the attic space to be Elizabeth’s new bedroom. Elizabeth recalled them tell her “we can paint that room and you can move up there. Well, I moved up there, and my dad moved into my room immediately. I was pretty mad about it. I was like, ‘why cannot you just be honest with us.’ There was no discussion, nothing.” So they “were still living in the same house but living in separate bedrooms and that was weird.” Her mother “could not give him what he needed and that was a lot.” A year later Elizabeth’s mother moved out of the house and her parents divorced. The results of the divorce proceedings meant that Elizabeth and her younger brother spent time with both parents, moving between the home they lived in with their father and their mother’s house. At the beginning, my brother and I were going two days at one house, two days at another, then three days at the one and then two days at the other, etcetera. And, as a

145

high school girl it was awful. The judge who handled the divorce, because of the traumatic home life and of the separation, mandated that my brother and I see a counselor. Elizabeth feels that he father “has had a definite mental issue all his life.” This mental illness morphed into depression after the separation and divorce. “I found out later that a couple of my uncles on my dad’s side had an intervention with my dad because he was obviously not himself.” This depression deepened after her father’s mother passed away following years of suffering with Alzheimer’s syndrome. “That is when my dad was like in another world and not handling that well.” Eventually, her father took an early retirement from his position at a local university and took a job in a larger city in the southern Ohio working as an advocate for people living in low income housing. Her father went from living in a four-bedroom house filled with family memories to living in a studio apartment, which she described as being hard on him. Apparently I think he thought he was going to be doing this awesome ministry with people who wanted to have healing in their lives but he was dealing with bed bugs and guns and prostitution and drugs and things that I do not think he was ready for fully. He just kind of had a freak out, a lot of it was, for example, bedbugs he would always think that he had bedbugs. We were not allowed to visit him because he did not want us to get bedbugs. The thought that he had bedbugs was just a very mental thing. Elizabeth felt her father distanced himself from her during this time. She was unsure of the reason until her dad called her and invited her out for a drink. Elizabeth, for both her parents, “wished that they were with someone or had a companion.” Her father, while at the bar explained why he was so distant and that was because he was indeed dating someone and someone that Elizabeth knew well. I was in my head think “okay, the flip charts are going off in my head, the Excel spreadsheet of who this person could be that is from my past?” So, the whole time I am trying to be happy for him so I sort of started guessing and it was nobody I thought it was and finally he told me that it was a girl who is five years older than me who I used to dance with. I mean, he knew her when she was very little and there is a big age difference and that is kind of weird. She would have been twenty-seven and my dad is fifty.

146

Elizabeth wanted her father to be with someone but the age difference and the fact that Elizabeth knew her dad’s girlfriend from when she was a child made Elizabeth feel disgust. Eventually this girlfriend broke up with Elizabeth’s dad. “She was slowly breaking up with him and I think she was feeling kind of overwhelmed by him too. She could not give him what he was looking for.” Elizabeth stated that this episode drove him even deeper into a “super depression as what happened between mom and him was replayed now in his head again.” This episode again reinforced for Elizabeth her anger at how she was the parent for her family. After this experience, her father went into what she called a series of depressive episodes that culminated in a mental breakdown while he was at work. “My dad then had a death threat and somebody was shot right outside of his office, in broad daylight and the shock coupled with that depression, he fell into a really dark place.” Eventually Elizabeth and a cousin convinced him to get psychiatric help and while he was on medical leave he was let go from his position. This is another episode where Elizabeth felt put upon, as she had to be the parent once again. Elizabeth regards her mother as “not affectionate in a motherly sense.” Elizabeth felt that her mom was not a mother filled with warmth and that she was “different than other moms. She is not the mom that is like, ‘let’s go shopping.’ She never sent a care package once when I was in college. She is not that kind of mom.” Elizabeth, along with her younger brother, also had to intervene with her mother over two issues, slight hoarding, and alcohol addiction. At the end of college and grad school she was drinking more and I am a total minimalist and so every time I go home I am telling her “let us clean up the kitchen, let us clean up the basement. There is just too much stuff in here. You do not need it.” While Elizabeth was helping out her mother by cleaning out the basement, she “found multiple empty liquor bottles obviously she stashed out of sight.” One night Elizabeth called her mother “and she was obviously wasted.” She was not making any sense and it was a really random weekday night. I started crying and said to her, “Mom I found those bottles and I know we like to drink wine when I am home but I have been noticing that you been drinking too much in front of me and then finding those bottles makes me think that you are doing too much by yourself. I am calling you out of the blue so is this happening a lot or what?” I mean she could not really explain anything to me because she was so drunk and so I did not say anything to anybody. She called me the next day and she said to me, “I am so sorry. I am so

147

embarrassed. I did not eat dinner and I had some strong drinks and it just really hit me hard.” In my mind I am thinking, “whatever.” Eventually Elizabeth told her dad, and then she and her younger brother, sat down and had what she called a mini-intervention with her mother. I said to her, “I want you to be honest with us because if there is something going on we want to talk this through and help you and support you. We are not coming to you like chastising you.” She agreed to be honest and share with us and we also ended up talking to a lot of her siblings who went through something similar and together they all worked through some stuff. Elizabeth was becoming increasingly angry over the constant parental worry, their need for Elizabeth to always be there for them, and the fact that she had to intervene constantly so that her parent’s life could be straightened out. She felt her parents were never there for her, and neglected her “especially when I was going through a lot of traumatic things in my life.” Elizabeth had two romantic relationships, one in high school, and the other in college. In her relationship in high school she felt unsupported by her boyfriend and that at times he lacked compassion for what she was going through. When my grandma passed away, her funeral was on the day of the St. Ignatius graduation practice and they had an awards assembly so he could not come to the funeral. It was, I thought, an understood thing that he would come over to the house afterwards when everybody gathers for food and stuff. I told him, “I need you to come over. I really want to be with somebody. It is an expectation of you.” I did not have my cell phone on me, I do not think, but he knew where my grandma lived because he came over all the time. He knew that was going to happen and he never showed up. I think I purposefully at some point did not even look at my cell phone because I was testing him. This relationship drifted apart as they went to different universities. Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse Through all these traumatic experiences for Elizabeth, of the major effects of the divorce, her grandmother’s death, and the neglect and lack of support she has received from her parents throughout the years, a deep-seeded anger and resentment developed. This anger and resentment she felt early on, especially because of the divorce. Another influencing factor was her grandmother’s obsessive anger at God. “I will say that is one of the first things I remember

148

besides my parent’s divorce, was her and my anger at God during this time. I was feeling like, ‘What is the next bad thing to happen to our family, to my brother and I?’ I was like, ‘Why God?’” There was anger at her parents for her constantly needing to be the caretaker, the mediator, and the family intervener. Concerning her father she stated that, “Honestly, I feel I have turned into a parent and he is taking on a child role in some sense.” She often mentioned how that, with her family, she was “feeling like a parent and not feeling like I exactly knew what I was doing and I was trying to process where I was in my own life.” Again, I feel like a parent a lot and I get sort of fed up with my dad quickly because he will call me about the littlest things that he needs and so I feel like, “You are my dad, you should be there for me,” and so I struggled a lot with that. So all my life I felt like this role reversal. It is all twisted around and jumbled; both with my mom and with my dad not being there for me when I needed them to be. She also felt her two boyfriends were not there for her during pivotal times of her life. Her boyfriend in high school was not there for her during her grandmother’s death. Her boyfriend in college was not there for her as she was dealing with her father’s neediness and depression when her father was working with a low-income housing project. “I really did not feel like anybody understood me, and my boyfriend at the time, well he was not really responding the way that I hoped. I hoped he would have been more compassionate.” The dysfunctional home-life, the neglect she felt, also affected her capacity to totally invite friendships into her life. With all that she was going through, she tended to hold it and “not share with them or depend on their support. I did not tell any of my friends, but I stopped inviting people over. I think I did a really good job of hiding the details of what was happening.” Elizabeth, in keeping all of her emotions inside, felt increasingly isolated and frustrated. I have doubted myself a little bit with things and that is frustrating. It is a personal struggle always overanalyzing things. And with my dad I feel he should be there for me and so I struggle a lot with anger. Another effect of her childhood and young adult formational experiences was a hyper feeling of responsibility that translated into her being constantly busy as a means not to process what she went through. “The whole, ‘my being super busy thing’ is obvious. I do not want to

149

think about my parents and I do not want to think about my family and the other thing was being pissed at this Alzheimer’s thing” with her grandmother. I learned really quickly that I am like this now always angry and pushing. I expect a lot out of myself. I set my bar really high. I do not want to disappoint other people and I do not want to disappoint myself. When I commit to things, I commit to them and I will not back out. She feels that since most of her life is and has been chaotic that not only does she keep herself busy but that she needs to keep things under control and very organized. “I like to organize. I like to have my one-year, five-year, ten-year plan. Life has scared me and it prevents me to live my life if I did not have everything figured out.” She mentioned a need to know where everything that she owned was because, when I was a child after my parent’s divorce my brother and I had to go from one house to another and I was always worried that I would leave something behind. I have talked to people about this, if this [her wanting her mother’s house organized] is stemming from wanting to have everything in one place when we changed houses and then wanting to know everything I had and being aware of what I have. Finally her formational experiences have affected her ability to totally commit to romantic relationships with men. “I regret it a lot. In the back of my mind was my parent’s divorce. I think that this influenced my decision to break up with him (her second boyfriend she dated in college) even though he was great. I mean, I used to hear my mom say I only dated one person and I was like, ‘Whoa.’” Textural Description of Spiritual Direction Elizabeth went to Catholic schools all of her life. In her senior year of high school she went on a spiritual retreat. Elizabeth, who usually held her feelings internally, and encouraged by the retreat director, finally risked sharing everything she was going through. In college she met with a Jesuit priest and a lay woman minister for spiritual direction. After graduation she entered into a therapeutic counseling relationship as well as met with a woman religious for spiritual direction. At her Jesuit university, during her undergraduate years, Elizabeth met with a spiritual director and was actively involved in campus ministry, where she participated in and lead spiritual retreats and was on a core team that planned student Masses. “I liked liturgy. When I

150

was processing senior year with my spiritual director and what was I going to do later once I graduated, it was between parish ministry or retreat work and school.” In her first year of graduate school the director of the graduate program told her that maybe, I should do both therapy and spiritual direction for I did not feel with my graduate work and the ministry I was involved in that this personally was not feeding myself and so that was where I needed spiritual direction. Finally, Elizabeth thinks that it is important for campus ministry and spiritual directors in general to be more proactive in promoting spiritual direction and guiding college students into what spiritual direction involves. She believes that “a lot of my peers do not know what they need or want. The do not know how to search for a spiritual director and it just becomes scary for them and then they just do not follow up on it.” She concludes that there is a need for more promotion and information of spiritual direction on college campuses. She holds the spiritual direction she is involved in as an important part of her overall development. I feel spiritual direction is very beneficial and that is why I feel, had I not shared spiritually what I was going through, then I would not feel so comfortable now as I do here in my job and in my life. Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction One of the major areas where Elizabeth feels that Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) and spiritual direction has helped her is in a growing acceptance of self and growing self-awareness. In addition to self-awareness was the ability to realize how all of her life, because of her family situation, she had felt the need to be in control and how the spiritual direction process has helped her to realize this and to begin to let go. I think I went into spiritual direction talking a lot about other people but not realizing how much I was going to learn about myself and how I react to things and what I can and cannot control. That was a big thing, letting go and letting God. I could say that before but I really did not invest in that and believe that. This movement was a major “step to my healing, because I was always putting my family before my needs and I came to realize all I am really responsible for is me. I am not responsible for my mom or dad’s choices. I can care for them but it is their life.” A second area, also related to letting go of control, centered on her needing to always be in control by planning out her personal life. The obsessive planning prevented her from just

151

living. Because of her engagement in spiritual direction, Elizabeth does not need a roadmap of where her life should be heading. She is now more comfortable with uncertainty. I know there are going to be good things and there can be some awful things but not knowing is totally okay. Now I look ahead and I do not know, I do not know what I am going to be doing in a year and beforehand that would have freaked me out and now that is kind of cool. That is me and how much my life has changed and how much I have ahead. In letting go of controlling others and keeping her life tightly in control grows, Elizabeth feels less anger and more compassion and forgiveness. She feels she is able now to relate to others in a more virtuous way; for as she cares for self she is better able to care for others. “The ability to trust God, me, and others were big areas of growth for me that I learned in spiritual direction.” The effects of the formational experiences caused Elizabeth to grasp onto control as a means of coping, but that control kept her from her relating to herself and to others in healthy ways. I kind of touched on it before . . . my relationship with others. I have learned to let go of the control and a huge thing has been to realize that people are people. Maybe my mom is a little bit right when she says, “That is my way” and what I take away from that is that everyone is unique. Everyone has a core of who they are and will do things the way that they do things and it is not a personal thing against me. What I can do is choose how I react to situations and other people. My big theme there (in spiritual direction) was forgiveness. I was pretty honest and truthful about things that happened. A fourth area where spiritual direction transformed Elizabeth’s life is her growing capacity to be grateful in finding life as blessed and sacred. This is also manifested for her again in seeing others in a more compassionate light. She looks on her life as a “gift and I can see my goodness and holiness while I reflect on where my life is going. She feels that “some days are great, and some days are seeing my life as a whole and as whole.” In her work with spiritual direction, she experienced a movement from solely self-focusing, to also thinking of and being with others. I see how other people may have had their heart broken and have had disastrous lives with all of life’s challenges and then to reflect on my own challenges with family and people, not that it was not hard. I can see my life more clearly now and appreciate it

152

more now because of the stuff that has been challenging and working through my stuff in spiritual direction has helped me to see the life and the grace and the love that is in front of me . . . the sessions . . . helped how I look at things now, how I pray, and just eye- opening in my daily life and my journey as a whole. A fifth area where Elizabeth feels that spiritual direction benefitted her was in her finding that she had spiritual assistance and resources all around her. She found these resources in her spiritual direction, but also in different ways to pray, her spiritual friendships she has developed, and the spiritual reading that has been important for her. “There are a lot of different spiritual resources that I can tap into and engage.” She found that spiritual direction exposed her to many different ways to engage God with her spirit in prayer. “Then in terms of me personally, my prayer life is a big one. I had articulated that early on in the spiritual direction process; that I wanted to pray better.” She finds prayer now not as a “fall on your knees in a church kind of thing” but a constant conversation where she engages her spirit with God either in nature or in the quiet driving alone in a car. So I live in an awesome neighborhood and one of the ways that I pray is I walk and I pray. I do not bring my cell phone, headphones, nothing, and, I am able to connect with God and that being in nature is big for me in terms of seeing God. I feel God’s presence so much being in the greenery and hearing the wind. I used to think people were crazy when they would say that to me. But I realized in time that this is where I meet God. And I can have my own conversation with God. Also, when I am driving I pray because I do not like driving really and so like, different ways like that. That is another thing I learned in spiritual direction; that it is okay to be in the quiet. It is okay to let thoughts wash over you, and know that God is with you. And while I used to think, “Gosh, it is quiet,” and I am alone now, I know that there is this God who cares for me, is with me. Prayer is an important spiritual resource for Elizabeth; one that has deepened her relationship with God and that helps her transcend what she has gone through. “I am trying to expand my prayer life and to try to figure out the best way for me to pray so that I can get the best out of prayer.” For Elizabeth, God is not a voice. God is here with me, but beyond me as well. It is not like I hear a beautiful Morgan Freeman voice booming down with any immediate answer to anything

153

that I am struggling with, but God’s answer comes to me in time and I know that is what it is. Another spiritual resource for Elizabeth is the spiritual companions that she has made in life. She sees now, through spiritual direction, that she has a wide variety of spiritual resources and support systems that she can utilize. “I have excitement for my journey. I have all the support systems in place that if anything bad does happen then I know I am not alone and that is another big thing I think I learned through spiritual direction.” She looks at her relationships and the many spiritual friendships that she has developed through the years as a definite resource. And I know that I have all my peers. And although my parents are crazy at times they are my parents. I think the more I built up my friendships. I invested in developing quality long-term spiritual friendships through my small faith group and praying with people. Also in friendships I can share things I am struggling with and what I need and talk about that with them and have them reaffirm, “we are thinking of you and we are praying for you.” That is huge and a lot of people do not have that support. Finally, through spiritual reading in spiritual direction she has also found a lot of self-awareness, healing, and the virtue of being able to forgive. “I am now reading The Spirituality of Imperfection . . . it starts with looking through the lens of the 12-step program and success of Alcoholics Anonymous, but it goes into the spirituality of life not being perfect.” She has found much spiritual development in this resource. It is really awesome. I kind of read that as part of my spiritual direction. In the book there are a lot of things in there about healing and forgiveness, and so that was cool, and I have used pieces of that educationally in papers, talking to my peers, and talking to some of my kids. It definitely shaped the way I minister to other people. She feels spiritual direction has given her a firm foundation on which to flourish and to spiritually lead. She concludes that “this process of spiritual direction has helped me to realize I have so much to do in my life and that I know I am equipped for.” John Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse John’s father was married before. His father had two children, a boy and a girl from that marriage. John’s half-brother is nine years older and his half-sister is twelve years older. This marriage ended in divorce. John’s father met John’s mother not soon after the divorce. They

154

met, fell in love, were married, and then had John. The divorce created for him “an interesting environment for growing up.” The second marriage created a division for John as his older siblings always sided with their mother against the second wife and John’s father supported them. Yet, John’s mother and father tried to create this new family with John. The creation of the new family created animosity between John and his half-siblings. There was also an environment of extreme dysfunction and abuse within the family. The formational experiences that affected him the most were dysfunctional family dynamics and his relationship with an emotionally abusive brother. Concerning his half-siblings he always felt “they had a way out. They always played sides.” His half-brother while he was growing up was . . . in his early teenage years so he was always around. I remember him pushing me around. He would make fun of me and he would push me down the steps, I remember that. He was this older brother, sibling, jerk. The whole family dynamic was not good. In fact it was tense filled and emotionally charged and physically abusive. “The sibling thing impacted me just by saying it, in the way my dad treated my half-brother and half-sister, and then how my half-brother treated me.” John felt that the family relationships, between his father and John’s biological mother and between his father and his half-brother and sister, that these relationships would sometimes be fraught with violence and what John called physical abuse. There were many quarrels between the ways my parents treated my siblings and my half- siblings treated me . . . and sometimes it did get physically abusive. I remember the house filled with bouts where people were always pushing, shoving, hitting, yelling, and always swearing. His half-siblings never accepted John’s biological mother and blamed her for causing the divorce between their mother and father. John’s dad divorced the first wife because she was having affairs while they were married. I do not think they get the whole picture. I do not think they knew or understood why my dad let go of their mom and he has never said a word to them about it. They sided more with their mom. They always depended on her and leaned more toward her and I think that is interesting and they blamed my mom for a lot of the problems. I do not think I would have sided with her, because she cheated on our dad, a few times. And my dad felt, “I am fed up with this. I am done.”

155

John, being the youngest sibling and a half-sibling to his older brother and sister, always felt “used a little bit and abused by this dynamic because I always thought ‘why cannot we all just get along.’ The dynamics hurt me because I was just like why cannot we just get over it.” John mentions a song from his childhood that he strongly identified with growing up. It is from the artist “Tim McGraw called, ‘The Little Girl.’ It is a song of a girl who grew up in a very abusive household but all this little girl does is she hides behind the couch and every time she looks up there is a crucifix. It was something that I sort of related to.” Family dynamics being what they were, John felt that on his mother and father’s part there was a level of parental neglect. “I think my parents, especially with our split family and some of the dynamics present, were preoccupied with other things going on and so they were neglectful of all of us, maybe it was a lack of overseeing or oversight, of them not giving the time.” Another family issue that was difficult for John was the death of his grandmother, his mother’s mother. He had a very close relationship with her and she was the only person in the extended family that he felt supported and loved him. John never visited her in the hospital and when she passed away he was on the golf course participating in a golf tournament with his high school team. This was an experience of deep regret for him. Two final difficult experiences for John involved being bullied constantly by a group of students at his male only Jesuit high school and also missing most of his first semester of high school because of illness. During his first two years of high school John was bullied by a group of young men who always hung out together. John was overweight when entered high school, “it was just baby fat, but I was made fun of a lot in high school by a group of guys and I kept waiting for the baby fat to wear off. It still affects me. Kids can be cruel.” Also John missed most of that first semester because he had mononucleosis, which kept him from being able to form those initial friendships that he felt were crucial. I had mono so I ended up missed most of the first semester of school. Like six weeks. I did not have any orientation. I did not have any sort of welcome into high school and so that kind of started me off badly and with a challenge. I think when you are young and you need those welcoming things because that is when you latch onto those first people and those people that you see more often and so that was a challenge. These formational experiences affected John in varied and challenging ways.

156

Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse His family experience drove John to not be able to make sense of life or who he was. The constant fighting and the physical and emotional abuse he received, coupled with the negatively charged family environment were too much for John to understand. He had difficulty developing a sense of place and a sense of identity. I think there was just a sense of confusion about exactly who I am, a kind of lack of identity. And I think with family dynamics, when you are in your early ages, you just try to make sense of it all. I think for me there was this whole sense of confusion I think that really existed and I really did not know who I was or what I was doing or where I was. Because of family dynamics, body image and low self-esteem, John also found it difficult to develop relationships. He felt as he was growing up “it was difficult to build friendships and I am not sure for the reason for that.” He desired to “retreat into relationships of comfort where love was guaranteed. This was a place of security, versus risking making friends for fear of further hurt.” Even though his family dynamic was less than perfect John preferred it for it was what he was used to rather than risking exposure to strangers who might be friends. I was always hanging out with my mom, dad, and/or my grandma, you name it. That was more of an interest for me than going to this random party, hanging out and all this stuff because I was not always welcomed in my niches, friends, or girls. I was always called too nice by girls, because I always wanted to please everyone, and it was getting old. His family experience plus the bullying negatively affected how he viewed himself. This made it hard for him to “reach out to other people besides family because I knew my family dynamics. My self-esteem, my self-image back then was kind of low, probably nonexistent.” This low self- esteem created a dynamic where he cared more about others than himself. He felt he had to “just take care of people initially because I think I was always an outcast, something I felt in family, especially with my siblings, my stepmother, and then in grade school and high school.” John disassociated his love of self and transferred that love into people pleasing behaviors. He felt during his childhood in family and in school that he “never felt so connected and actually made to feel uncomfortable.” So “for me, finding friendships was a huge thing.” Low self-image, being overweight in high school, and not being present much his first year of high school, opened him up to being bullied and teased by a group of male classmates. He recalls always being picked on and called names in the hallways of school and in the locker

157

room, pushed around, and constantly messed with. John felt that this further affected his ability to feel connected, make friendships, and heightened his low self-esteem. I was always looking to develop friends and so my desire for friends I then contrasted that with those guys who were jerks in high school. I think you know basically in the things that they said, or even actually their indifference in their neglect, not saying ‘Hi,’ being jerks, making fun of me really hurt and affected how I viewed myself. At his co-educational Jesuit university he thought he could have a fresh start. John, because of his low self-image and coming from an all-male high school believed that anytime a woman student was nice too him that this meant they were dating and a couple. I did not really date at all in high school and then you come into college and you are thinking, “Wow, this girl was paying attention to me. Does she like me, or does she want to just be my friend?” It was funny, because the first girl I met during orientation, we became really good friends, and I thought we were dating. I did not know how this thing worked. And it was funny because my roommates were just telling me, “you are not a ‘thing,’ John.” They just kept telling me that, and I told them “Oh yeah, I am.” I think I remember telling them, “Oh, we are going to get married.” It was just one of those things. I was naïve. John sums up his childhood and young adult formational experiences “throughout high school and college that I had a lot of stumbling blocks or failures or what have you for a long time, just with not being welcomed, not being comfortable, not fitting in, and not being involved.” Textural Description of Spiritual Direction John’s family is Catholic. They went to Mass and John was the only child from his family who attended Catholic schools for his entire educational experience. John found solace in his parents and his grandparents on his mother’s side. His image of God when John was in grade school was of “someone distant. I think back then God was so far away. God was like this big muscular guy that you are going to be scared to talk with.” This image of God as distant and frightening transitioned for him as he came to know and find guidance with Catholic priests at his schools. He found solace with the priests and religious sisters at his schools, especially when he moved on to high school and college. John began to be very involved in retreats and planning for Catholic liturgies in high school and in college. He also started spiritual direction in high school and continued spiritual

158

direction at his Jesuit university with those priests who became his mentors. He has had only positive experiences with spiritual direction and he felt he had this “connection to spirituality and with the priests who were spiritual mentors, spiritual directors.” John felt spiritual direction as a place where he was “welcomed, where confidentiality was present, no one judged you, and no one made fun of you because of who you were and when you experience that as a high school student you are like, ‘Wow!’” The spiritual direction that John received in high school and that he received at his Jesuit university had positive effects for John and his spiritual growth and development. He found the spiritual direction relationship important in that he “did have guidance, where I was able to chat about life and things of the spirit and to talk about things that mattered in my life, and this helped me grow to no end.” Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction John has found that his time in spiritual direction, particularly in college, has helped him let go of some of the more painful experiences of life and to find healing. A particularly transformative and healing moment for John happened when he was being spiritually directed on an Ignatian retreat. On the retreat and while in direction, his spiritual director guided him through a meditation that engaged John’s imagination. In the process of that guided meditation he was able to let go of the guilt he felt over his grandmother’s passing. I really questioned so much about myself and about God with the loss of my grandmother. I doubted myself so much because I did not get to say goodbye, or my final “I love you,” you name it. I was kicking myself a lot for that. I did that for several years after that even. I was questioning God at this time, and the big question of “Why are you taking somebody that I love so much out of my life? And why now, especially now that I am finally fitting in, finally understanding myself, finally feeling good about myself and what this life is all about.” So John brought all of this into spiritual direction on the retreat he was attending and his director guided him through a meditation that brought healing and a chance to let go of the guilt. It was interesting doing this one meditation with my director on this retreat. This was the first time I was by myself in a special place and reflecting on God. And so that first night, as I was reflecting on the meditation, and of course I did not know this, but that very first night, as I was praying this meditation, had me reflect on the time from September until February. So, that first night I was in meditation after being spiritually directed about

159

what to meditate on, with the director just speaking some questions, nothing big. All of the sudden, I am on this beach, back in grade school. It is sunny and warm. I am lying around on the beach, but really I am at this retreat center, so this was like an out-of- body experience. So, I see these footprints on the sand, and I am thinking to myself, “this is good, it is of God, and can I please stay at this place?” I see this person walking towards me. At this time I have no idea what is happening, I am just trying to be immersed in what is going on. So this guy in a white robe, and I have to stress this, for this was so very real for me, well, he was coming towards me, and right beside him is my grandmother. You always question, “Is heaven real?” I was always questioning if my grandmother was okay and that was one of the biggest questions. Also behind the question of if she was okay was this question of whether she truly was at home and in peace? It was something she wrote in my mother’s hand because she could not talk the last couple weeks of her life. She was on a respirator and all that. So she wrote, “Let me go home.” They took her off the ventilator and she was still staying alive and because of that I wanted to know if she was all right. That was my answer that I needed to see and to know that there is something more to life, and I think that is kind of foundational, that really changed me, transformed me. I was having this ‘aha’ moment, like in St. Paul’s case, where you get knocked off your horse. It was an experience that wanted me to be healed and to try to live your life a little bit differently. I want to bring that back to people. It was an experience that transcended me and moved me out of myself and to something bigger and beyond myself. The most remarkable thing was that my final image of my grandmother was that she was homebound pretty much like her last year and constantly on oxygen. I can remember always having the oxygen machine around. Yet in this meditation, it was just remarkable to see her healthy and without oxygen walking on her own without a walker and just her being there with Jesus was a comfort. That was always something I carried in my heart for the rest of my life and it has really helped me to let go of a lot of guilt, healed me, and made me who I am today. John realized that the power of spiritual direction and the caring listening he received there, gave him an “understanding of healing, that power of healing, found in the power of someone just really listening. My director welcomed me, wanted me there, and wanted me to learn.”

160

For John, part of that learning in spiritual direction was found in being shown different types of spiritual resources that he could utilize and find comfort. Finding comfort in using different types of spiritual resources, such as different ways to pray, engaging in spiritual direction, and finding helpful spiritual readings not only furthered John’s healing, but also had the effect of increasing his self-confidence. I think the spirit was always moving me forward. I mean by slowly kind of developing in me the ability to find where the spirit was to be found. So, I found in the many spiritual resources available to me helped me to know where the spirit was going; to help me to heal or to overcome stuff or hurtful encounters. I was able to kind of navigate away from those things and those people that hurt me into other areas of life. I was able to discover those spirits that welcomed me and where I felt most alive; in liturgy, in good people, priests, in family members, in retreat work, or in spiritual direction. I began to realize that, “Hey, there are more things, more people, more spiritual resources that mean more to me than just these five little knuckleheads that I have been going to high school with.” It is funny, but in all this spiritual work and spiritual direction, I found they gave me a little more confidence. John feels that he has “learned the gift of healing a lot through spiritual direction.” He believes that by being in spiritual direction that God “gave me healing because God wanted me to understand what healing truly is and what it means to truly listen to somebody as I have been heard and then letting them be them, too.” Finally, out of this growing self-confidence he has been able to use his story and share it with others while being able to compassionately listen to others’ stories. It has been amazing what people have shared with me and in being able to encourage them to find other people or a spiritual director to do that with, whether it is me, whether it is a spiritual director, a priest, or somebody of that nature. I find a confidence coming out of my story, where I was and where I am now that has helped me to counsel people through life. Life is tough, I know that, I lived that, but it is because through my life I have had some examples that I can pull from. And I can be with them and say, “Hey, I was there. I know how you feel. I know it is not perfect right now but keep your eyes fixed on God and your spiritual growth, and you will be good.”

161

This healing that John has felt and his growing self-confidence increased his capacity to trust God and to trust others. When John was little, I was too young to even understand what prayer was but I think through the spiritual direction I had in high school and college I just slowly started to say, “Well, okay maybe I just have to trust God. You know, I think, “God you are going to take care of this and be with me through it. I believe.” John’s developing confidence and trust in God helped him to begin to reach out to others and to trust. John feels that the “spirit is moving me in a sense to a different way of being and relating.” John “started to trust, not blindly,” but with “a certain quality, a kind of knowing that a person was there for you, was going to be there with you, not hurt you, and just help you to grow.” I started trusting in teachers and priests who were guiding me and the spirit giving me the confidence by guiding me to meet more people, more good people. I started gravitating toward that. It took me a while to figure out what happened, a long while, but at the same time it was kind of a revelation to me that this is how I fit in and that I could begin to trust others. From his healing, John would say that there also was this burgeoning sense of the sacred, of the holy, of God in all things and all people. This spiritual realization developed out of a growing sense, from his spiritual direction sessions, that God was always with him and would never leave him. “And really that is God saying, ‘Here you go, here I am. Here I am in your life right now. I will never leave you alone and I think that is pretty sweet.” John noticed this inner transformation occurring as he engaged his spirit from “going into high school and coming out of high school into college and realizing I was completely different person. I saw myself not only healed but I also felt myself as holy.” Growing in self-awareness through the spiritual direction process, trusting in God and trusting others, have opened up for John the possibility of finding goodness within, with others, and with life. God’s wish, as well as the wish of good people in his life, translated into John’s wish for his own life and that was to flourish. I knew where I was. I had a better understanding of who I was spiritually, what I was seeking, and I was striving for some of the higher things and wanting to find my life have additional meaning, and for me to flourish. I am on this path, even though I am not fully there yet. I am always growing and developing spiritually so I am still at a crossroads.

162

Part of this crossroads that spiritual direction is moving him to transition through from what John would call his second best version of myself and I did not know that in high school because I was still trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted to do. As I grew through that retreat experience, through spiritual direction, I knew that God was touching my life. God said to me, “Do not settle. You got through this. You did it. I was there with you and I proved that I am alive in you. I revealed myself in these people and in these positive experiences,” especially when so much of my other life experiences pointed otherwise. I found with Christ with me the space to rise. I think that was the moment where you finally feel, “Here you go. I am good.” So I want to give it all I got and then hearing in prayer God affirm me and that God meant to show me that this is where I need to be. I think this is one of those moments with the Spirit moved me in that direction and granted. I am not perfect to this day, but who of us is, but I want to strive every day to be that person to flourish. Finally, John realized, as part of his growing desire to flourish in life, that his life journey was not dependent on others. His flourishing was recharged, because of spiritual direction, in the ownership of his own journey and his own life. John came to understand that before spiritual direction and immersion into his spiritual life, he “was just like a salmon swimming upstream, dependent upon a bunch of other people to define who I was and what I believed in what I wanted out of life. As I continued to grow and develop spiritually, I think that is when God’s voice kept coming through.” John’s experience in spiritual direction and his involvement in spiritual programming at his Jesuit university helped him to “transcend some painful life events” while his spiritual journey “created me into the man that I am today.” Much of John’s formational life was a struggle between his desiring connection in family relationships and friendships with the reality that the positive connection was not always there. In his spiritual journey and through spiritual direction he was able to discern what was important and of value in friendships and to discern the relationships that he needed. “I saw two sides of friendship. I saw two sides of people being absolutely belittling to me and then the other side where everybody is welcoming to me and I learned to let go of one and embrace the other.” This strength to reflect on his life has opened him to the movement of the spirit in him and all around him. He has come to hold that these spiritual movements have led to the reality

163

that even outside the spiritual direction relationship, “there is a lot of direction, a lot of spiritual direction happening; you do not even recognize it.” John feels that the direction he has received in his Jesuit university as moving his heart “into something greater, of understanding yourself, welcoming the stranger, and welcoming those other people you might not see in another place, you know? But you are there for them because it is important.” John’s experience of feeling like he never fit in with others and his time in spiritual direction, has made him more compassionate to the plight of others. So then I met like everybody, like everybody was my friend in college. I did not say no to anybody, even the one that nobody wanted to hang out with, I would hang out with. You know, and it was not because I felt like I had to, it was just something that I felt some joy in being with that person. I think some of this wanting now to embrace others and especially talk to and try to befriend those that are alone. It was that sort of feeling where I know what it feels to be in a sense lonely. And nowadays when I see somebody that is eating dinner alone, I cannot stand that. One area of growth for John, because of what he experienced growing up, and then reflected on in spiritual direction in college was that “you have to be gentle with people because we all have our own things that we are going through.” A growing sense of some of the hard things that people go through and then developing the space for forgiveness was fostered through the spiritual direction process. He moved out from solely looking at the pain of his life and to seeing his pain in relation to the pain that others experienced. I had this connection, which was spirituality through spiritual direction, and through those experiences I found a place where I understood things and could comprehend things and could make sense of things while I reflected on them. So, as I looked at other people, other classmates, even these men who were bullying me, you realize just how much people go through, how much pain, and in comparison, yeah I have experienced pain in my life but in relation to what other people go through sometimes my pain is nothing compared to the pain of others. John found spiritual direction a place where he could reflect on his formational experiences, let them go, and then find the freedom to forgive and to be there for others. For example, the bullies

164

he experienced in high school, “you could see how they learned these things from maybe their parents or from some other adults, and then how those relationships were hurtful.” With the help of his spiritual director, John was able to reflect on what it meant to be in a caring and supportive relationship. He found a growing sense of compassion and forgiveness about some of his encounters with others and some of the experiences of his past. He also realized the importance of being a good friend and finding good friends. You see the other side of the coin where there are so many relationships that are good and wonderful and affirming and supportive and challenging in a good way versus hurtful; that you learn to discern the difference, a different spirit, one that matters. John would claim that this growth in the virtuous life stemmed from a growing awareness, born in spiritual direction, of how much he was loved by God, and how love was displayed more in deeds than words. He contrasted this call to love with a lack of love that he may have experienced in family and friendships. I think, over the course of time, I have witnessed a lot of pain and I think that is why Jesus always tells us to love. Any of the gospels, it is all about “Did you love?” I mean, if I was the one to decide, not to say I am ever going to be the one to decide that, but you would see and you would witness a big love beyond any love, God loves us more than anything. John believes his spiritual direction relationships in high school and college moved him away from wanting to connect and fit in with everyone to being more discriminating when it came to friendships. He came to realize how he could grow to be a better friend but also how to be more discerning in finding friends that would bring out his best. At the heart of friendship he feels is the ability to forgive one self, others, and to embrace the forgiveness given by others. You really have a place and time for every friendship. Some of them you just need to let go. The people that I may have hurt along the way, whether it is from hurtful discussions or relationships I have had with them, or them with me, and then being able to let go of those. And to realize that even like those people who do not forgive you face to face, I am hoping they forgive me in their heart, because that is sometimes what weighs me down. For me, I feel badly just thinking about those people that you might not have been the best version of yourself with them. Wow, hopefully they forgave me. I do not want to get to the Day of Judgment and realize there are four people out there that hate my guts

165

and me not recognizing that in them. Once they say something like, “Hey, I forgive you. Hey, you are okay.” Spiritual direction was teaching me that form of forgiveness or the form of spiritual development that I needed. Spiritual direction, especially at his Jesuit university, helped John find himself, gave him self- knowledge, and the confidence to be comfortable in his own skin. I think finding yourself in college is the most important, especially for your spiritual development. Because I think being who you are is what God wants you to be. And recognizing that in yourself, I think, that makes you even more confident to do more and to seek more, in guidance or development or spiritual direction, whatever it might be, because you are comfortable with who you are. Spiritual direction assisted John with embracing the sacred and holy parts of who he is and in his experiences. John claims he does “have a gift with my life. I do have a story, like all of us do.” Further, he is not constrained by his past any longer but sees his life as a vehicle now for empowering others in ministry. He recognizes that my story does need to be shared. And to still kind of build off what I have gone through and still to learn. Like I said, over the last year and a half, I have found out different things in my faith that I have never witnessed in my life. I have understood prayer at a whole new level. It is funny that it is through the interaction with people. John believes that his journey, and his reflecting on it in a spiritual direction context, has allowed him to transcend those experiences but also to see that his story is part of the Christian ministry and mission. John thinks that spiritual direction “has been a guide and an aid on this constant quest for the overall mission for God.” John sees that mission as something that is “written in our heart, it is whether or not we actually uncover it and unfurl it. I am definitely on that mission.” This mission is a part of John’s life, and his journey, and he understands that “it is so cool to be a part of something bigger on the scale of mission, yet it is flows out of your personal development and it is still all on the same page.” In the end he feels this mission, born of his work in spiritual direction is to “truly live your day as a prayer and is something I have learned a lot about over the last year and a half.” Through the spiritual direction process John was exposed to a wide variety of spiritual resources. One spiritual resource that John was involved in was meeting with his Jesuit spiritual

166

director, as well as a lay woman spiritual director. His openness to that relationship and his involvement in it was transformative for John. He believes that engagement with spiritual programming during his college years was “a very important part of my spiritual development whether it was with spiritual direction or retreats or any spiritual involvement while I was here.” John was very open to the spiritual direction relationship and he would offer this advice to anyone who thought of entering into spiritual direction. “Let the director hear your story and let them impact you because they have something huge to say.” He says that he still “prays a lot about the same stuff but those things in my life that were problematic are less of an issue for me now.” He is able to trust God, his spiritual director, and helpful others as resources. He has faith that “God already knows what is in my heart. God already knows what I need at that time and what I am praying for, and then to able to risk and be vulnerable about my needs in direction and friends helps me find my bearings.” He also has been exposed to different prayer resources and ways to pray. One way of prayer that John finds helpful is by sitting in his university’s chapel “or any Catholic church for that matter.” John “feels that these places are my home. Going to pray in front of the tabernacle, going to see Jesus, was home.” And I think that is where I turned a lot in many situations, you know, when you start dating somebody, or when you are pressured into things that you do not really want to do well I started turning to God at those times, and I can really feel at times God speaking to me, someone else is coming through, you know? A final spiritual resource for John is reading spiritual works by Christian authors. One important book for him was Models of God. It expanded his notion of who God is away from strictly a male figure but to see God “is a mother, a lover, and a friend as well.” And the lover was not like an intimate lover it was just a lover. And, I think when I look at God in those perspectives; I think it was pretty cool, because it opened my eyes to seeing God in other things, and recognizing that. Religious films are another spiritual resource for John that assisted him to reflect on his journey and influenced his call to spiritual leadership. He met with his spiritual director and together they watched the film about Oscar Romero entitled ‘Romero.’ Oscar Romero was a Salvadorian Bishop who worked extensively to liberate the poor of his country from the social structures of injustice. Romero was executed for his work and his stance while delivering a homily in his Catholic cathedral.

167

I was meeting with my spiritual director, and it was towards the end of the movie ‘Romero’ and we watched it and, he has seen it before, and we were bouncing ideas off of each other as we are talking back and forth later over dinner and he says what would you do for the faith? And, he really pointed the question to me. And, he said to me, “Would you have the guts to walk into a church where there was machine guns and people that said, ‘If you walk into that church I am going to kill you.’?” And then it was funny, because he looked back at me and he said to me, “Would you be willing to walk into a church and be killed for your faith? And I said, “Yes.” And he replied back, “You got it.” He simply said, “You got it. You have got what it takes to be a Catholic.” You know, I am thinking to myself, “Wait a minute? I have been confirmed. I am baptized. I have received my first holy communion and nobody has ever said that to me in my life.” Through the spiritual direction context with his two spiritual directors in college, John was exposed to a wide variety of resources that he found beneficial for his spiritual development. John frequently talks of being on mission and of his desires to be a spiritual leader. He found his work in spiritual direction helping him to grow, spiritually develop, and move forward with his life. I kept growing and kept becoming the man I am now. I am still growing, but at the same time it gave me this basis to say, “Hey, I do not want to be what I was in high school,” and that was my spark, I do not want to be this dude. He credits his spiritual direction sessions with guiding him to realize he wanted to do some form of ministry in the Church. John feels that the spiritual direction and the retreats that he attended were where he “started to understand what my goal in life was, what my joy was in life and that was always to always be involved with the church.” Spiritual direction guided him through his discernment process as he looked at possible vocations. He found this “more reflective discernment very helpful especially when I was going into junior year. I was really thinking like ‘what am I supposed to do with my life?’” John discerned the vocations of being a Christian centered broadcaster, a priest, or to the vocation he eventually settled into after college, working for a Catholic media firm doing electronic media publishing. So he first discerned that he “wanted to be a broadcaster, did not want to be a broadcaster, but it was like all the actions that I did through college were in the works with my

168

spiritual director. Second, he discerned the call to be a Catholic priest because he “had a ton of people that I talked to, you know, on a weekly, monthly basis, whether it be my spiritual directors, or people in campus ministry, or in church,” who were telling him he should be a priest. I was hit up a lot with “Hey, you should join the seminary,” and “You should join the priesthood,” “You should do this,” and I mean everybody in my parish, like old ladies in the pews and you know other people would come up and say that to my parents, and stuff and it was just like “Okay, I guess this is something that I really truly need to think about.” A moment in prayer changed his decision to join the priesthood. He brought his priestly discernment to God. He prayed, “Okay God, I do not know what you want me to do with my life, but just give me some sort of sign.” In prayer, he had this “vision while in the chapel when all of a sudden I heard this baby cry.” John exclaimed that he “did not know where this baby started crying from.” Because after I was done, I got up and walked around making sure there was not a baby somewhere in this church. And then I had all of a sudden these visions of family, and me with some woman that I do not even know who this woman was, but I know she was a brunette, which was interesting, and I was just with this person, and I do not know what really fulfilled that but hold on a second, I guess that is me, and that is my kid? He brought this vision to spiritual direction and his spiritual director and John discussed how John felt about the vision and he told his director that he felt he was not called to be a priest. Finally, in spiritual direction, John explored his desire to be on mission and work for the Catholic Church, and how he felt the call to work for a Catholic media firm. He felt drawn to this, at peace with it, excited about it, and was his vocation of choice. I always wanted to do something great. I always wanted to do something for the church. I always wanted to do something that would help Catholicism in general. I do not know what triggered me in that direction, but I felt in my heart that electronic media was the avenue to get the communication skills, to get that development, to get that leadership, and then go from there. Praying over that vocation brought me the most peace, the most excitement.

169

James Textural Description of Dysfunction and/or Abuse James was born on a Spanish-speaking island somewhere in the Bahamas. He has an older brother and had a fraternal twin brother who passed away weeks after they both were born. His mother and father divorced when he was just a child. His father came and went sporadically during his life. James describes his dad as a “mama’s boy.” He claims that, “it was a marriage of three people instead of two. His mom was always there.” James offered an example of how frustrating this was on the family. “So, for example, my mom would slave and prepare an awesome dinner and he would come home and say, “Oh, I ate at my mom’s house.” James felt anger over his father and the way he behaved toward his ex-wife and children. James has this to say about his father’s behavior: I mean, I got mad at my dad for not being there later on. Everyone has a dad but I did not have a dad. My dad was like always in and out. He would be around for two months and then disappear. I felt always, “What is going on.” He would be gone and then two years later he would be back again. I never had a need for him. He frustrated me so and neglected our family so much. I mean, the first time he came back I was super excited but then he would go away again. So I came to not depend on him and realized that when he was around that this is going to be temporary, his being back. So I just had to treat him as being an undependable person who comes and goes. He broke my heart. He would appear, we would hang out, go play tennis, or do something, and then he would disappear again. He was out of our family’s life and out of my life most of high school. He would stay in touch for two months and then he would disappear again. I feel like he is a kid, like mentally he is. He did not mature. His father moved away to a different country when James entered college. They have not seen each other since. His mother had to work three jobs just to keep James enrolled in his Catholic school and to support the family. James went to the same school from pre-school through high school. “Towards the end of my school I thought I owned the territory. It was my school and I had been there for so long.” His mother provided for him but she was never at home and so during the week when he was in school he had to fend for himself. On the weekends his grandparents on his mother’s side looked after him in a town that was far away. James’ brother always got the

170

new stuff while James was given his brother’s hand-me-downs. His brother “wanted nothing to do with me. I do not know why but that really bothered me.” Between his mother working all the time and not always being around, to the chaotic life of being shuttled between homes, being on his own a lot, and his father “who broke his heart,” James felt neglected by his parents. His father’s parents were “cold and they loved not with affection but with giving money and gifts instead of love.” I was craving for relationship versus “here is some money, go buy whatever you want.” I did not really care about that side of the family. I did not have the relationship I needed from them outside of superficial stuff. They would send the Christmas cards and I would be like, “Whatever.” I feel that they just missed a chance with me. I am the child and I was craving for the right things, for relationship, and you, you are the adults and you are not even making an effort to get to know me. You just give me things and so now I feel that they lost their chance. James had this final thing to say about the way he was raised. “I always question why the child is always looking for the right thing, to be connected, and have a relationship with their family, with their parents, and the adults do not care or are just neglectful of caring for their child.” In high school a number of the male athletes were relentless in their teasing and bullying of James. James described himself as a straight male who is more comfortable around women. He also described his physical appearance during high school as “such a nerd. I had braces, my hair was weird, and I had zits, which was bizarre. I was the clown of the class.” He also felt he was not the athletic type and he was also in honors courses whereas his male classmates were not. These realities for James made him, for these male classmates, a person easy to taunt and abuse. So I was made fun of a lot because of that. It was hard on me because I was this weird- looking person. The guys picked on me a lot because I used to hang out with all these girls. I am a dude and so in the beginning they were calling me gay. I am thinking “that makes no sense because you guys are hanging out in the locker room with all guys and I am hanging out with all girls. You only hang out with yourselves.” It was this whole episode in high school where all these guys, especially the jocks were doing gay stuff in the bathroom but yet they called me gay. They were relentless though and like I said, it was hard on me.

171

The neglect James felt in his family situation and the bullying in school were, for him, traumatic, and dysfunctional bordering on the abusive. Structural Description of the Effects of Dysfunction and/or Abuse For James, the effects of the dysfunction and abuse he experienced manifested itself in numerous ways. The first effect was internal anger at the way he was raised and in how he viewed himself. He was, as stated before, filled with anger toward his father for the way he was raised. He loved his mother for all she did for the family and for how hard she worked, but he was also angry with her for not always being there. He felt anger for his brother who never wanted to be close. James felt resentment toward the chaos of having to live in one town so he could attend school and then on the weekends going to another town so that his grandparents could take care of him. James moved back and forth like this until he graduated from high school. James was angry toward the grandparents on his father’s side for not wanting to really know him. Finally, he felt anger for those male classmates that bullied him. “I was angry a lot of times. I was a hot mess.” The second effect stemming from the abuse James experienced was his need to act out by fighting. James, affected by the way his father treated his mother, needed to be the champion of all women. James felt this championing of all women stemmed from the hurt he experienced in how his father treated his mother. I used to fight a lot because I felt like I was the defender of all women because of my mom. Even though she was not always around, I loved my mom and I thought she was amazing for everything that she went through. But I remember my best friend knocked this girl’s books out of their arms and I said, “Pick it up or I will kick your [expletive] and he responded “No,” and I would smack him around. He recalls his connection between anger and violence, something that later he turned back upon himself. James internalized this anger and fighting which manifested itself later on in college in struggles with sexual exploration, sexual addiction, and addiction to pornography as well as alcohol. So in college I was looking for that high, looking for that happiness, and looking for that connection. That is what drove me to look for my need. In life there are a lot of things that do not make you happy so I was always looking for the next thing to make me happy and to make an impact and do something for me. I was always kind of after high school

172

looking for that high, for that connection, looking for a way to hook up, the next best thing that is going to make me feel happy. In college James experienced a number of liminal explorations that he felt “filled his need.” His first sexual exploration was with a male classmate. He also had sexual encounters with women. And I think that is why I got involved in sexual addiction, pornography, and then looking at homosexuality and doing stuff with that guy in college. It was weird and I did not necessarily like it, but it happened multiple times. I did not necessarily stop doing it. It was messing around and then we would work out. I am feeling that this is not normal but it happened. And so this is where I landed and I am thinking, “This makes no sense.” In his junior year of college James finally ended the homosexual relation because, even though he participated in homosexual behavior, he self-identifies as heterosexual. The sexual addiction continued, but not with men. James continued to be addicted to pornography and alcohol. James’ addiction to alcohol took hold in his life during his junior and senior year of college and began after he had broken off his homosexual relationship. “So that relationship did not quite meet the need either, I was looking for the next thing, the next happiness. So it was in my third year of school where I thought, ‘Well maybe alcohol will do the trick.’” James stated proudly however that he never used drugs at all. “I mean I had many opportunities but I would always tell people, ‘No thanks. I am good.’ It is not my cup of tea, but I will get drunk up the wazoo anytime. I was drunk all the time, which is not good.” James readily admits that during those last two years of college to having “such an addictive personality back then. I was a hot mess. I was such a disaster back then. I was a hot, dirty disaster.” James’ struggle with pornography continued during these last two years of college. He “kept the alcohol and kept the pornography but I did drop the dude-on- dude pornography.” These multiple addictions, along with the internalized self-hatred took their toll on James’ emotional state. “So I struggled with these things, but I did not realize that by doing them that they kept the pain fresh for me. My brain was playing tricks on me and so whatever demons were toying with my mind, well that was the way to do it. I kept doing these things but I felt empty and really sad and I wanted to die.”

173

The emotional confusion, anger, and sadness James felt culminated while in college with a mental breakdown and suicidal ideation. James tells the story of this experience for him. I remember I got to this point, we were going out for somebody’s birthday, and I did not want to go because I wanted to watch pornography. This night was the moment I hit rock bottom. I remember this moment that I was in my room and watching pornography and this guy called me and asked if I was going out to the party and I said to him some lame excuse such as, “No, I am tired.” I was lying out the wazoo. And so I stopped answering the phone. I am in my room with all the lights off, the windows closed and the blinds drawn. In my head I was saying to myself, “Why am I doing this? Instead of going out to be with people, I am here being anti-social and watching porn. I remember hearing or reading somewhere during my first three years of college that pornography was the cause of social problems and it becomes your vice and you avoid social interaction with others. And when I was doing it that night I remembered about hearing about this and I am thinking, “This is me.” I was so sad. I was so miserable. I remember beating myself up, being angry again about my life, and thinking angrily, “Fine, just fine.” This was my first time praying again after three years and I remember screaming at God, “What do you want from me? I cannot do this [expletive]. I cannot live like this. I remember watching the computer screen and we had these huge desktops back in the day I grabbed it and threw it to the ground and basically trashed my whole room. I was a hot disaster, I tell you. I trashed my whole room. I was so disappointed in myself and mad at the world. All this guilt just came in and I thought as I trashed my room; angry toward God, toward myself, and toward the world, as I said to myself, “Oh yeah … well take this.” The point is, I remember praying that this life is not worth living. I wanted to kill myself. “I do not want to do this anymore,” and I remember I was crying. I cried myself to sleep that evening on the floor in all the mess and the broken glass. I remember I woke up it was like two in the morning and I was like, “I am still here [expletive]. I do not want to live like this. God, why did not you just take my life from me?” When I woke up and I was still there I was disappointed that God did not take me. I was at rock-bottom. I did not want to wake up. I remember waking up and saying, “I am still here [expletive]. God just take my life. This is annoying. I do not want to do this [expletive].” And I woke up and I am like, “You want me God? Then just help get me out of bed.” My neighbors

174

probably thought I was crazy. I was like this mad guy. I should have had a sign on my door, “Do not enter, this guy is crazy.” “If you want to come Lord, come help me because I cannot do this,” and I just went back to sleep. That is when the rock-bottom happened and from that moment on God came back to my life and everything from then on was different. And I think that is when my life turned around and a most awesome thing happened to me. I surrendered my life to God. I had nowhere to go but up. Textural Description of Spiritual Direction In James’ childhood, religion was a central part of his life. He attended the same Catholic school from grade school through high school. He had regular religious education classes. “As a little baby, whenever I went to church, I would go up to the altar of the church and just listen to what everybody was saying. Everybody thought I was cute.” He prayed at night, sometimes with his mother when she was home, thanking God for what he did have. He felt that even at this early age his prayer was a conversation; “talking to God kind of as my imaginary friend.” During college, because of his experiences of abuse and then the addictions that were part of his life, James turned away from God out of his anger. After he reached his breaking point he returned to God, joined a young adult group and entered in a spiritual direction relationship at his Jesuit parish. He credits joining this youth group, going back to church and receiving spiritual direction as a positive experience that transformed his life. Structural Description of the Effects of Spiritual Direction For the rest of college and immediately post-college, because of the youth group and the spiritual direction he received, James felt his life was good. He “felt more balanced because of these experiences.” He stated he “felt like a different person. I saw the world differently and I saw myself differently and I saw myself loved and holy and sacred.” I felt there is something beautiful and awesome within me and awesome in other people and awesome in nature. I became like a little kid in all aspects except emotional and physical maturity. I looked at the flowers and the colors and I just felt the holiness all around me. In the cry for help to God, James’ vision of himself, others and the world around him moved into a place of healing, wholeness, and holiness. He credits his immersion in spiritual matters and his Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) with playing a major part. James acknowledges that there were still some “bad things that were happening, but overall I could see the bigger picture of

175

things and that there was more to life than just these bad experiences, but out of those bad experiences I really felt love in the presence of God.” James was able to transcend those bad experiences to find a loving God, no longer apart from those experiences, but with him through all his life experiences. James, in attending to a different spirit than those of his college years, now feels and sees God and the sacred in all things, especially in nature. James felt that his time in nature is quite often where he experiences God the most. And so everything is sacred. One of the things that happens to me a lot, is I tend to see animals now always in pairs. It does not matter what type of animal, but when this happens I immediately think of God. I do not know why but it is a reminder to me that God is always with me. There are details now that speak to me of God. So today, as I was on my way to work, I saw two deer. I was still on a spiritual high from that. I get to the stop sign and I pray to God, “Okay God you made your point. I love you too.” I was super relaxed at work that day and in a meeting I realized work is not life. Work is secondary to my spiritual life and my life with God. He recalls a time with his spiritual director that helped him to understand this notion that paying attention to his spirit is key. From this experience with his spiritual director he sees spirituality as the central part of his life and everything else in his life is infused with the spiritual. I remember my spiritual director talking about this folder exercise where we can compartmentalize our life. We put the spiritual in one folder, our friendships in another, our work into a third, our family into a fourth. My director, however, asked me to reflect on the possibility that all of our folders fit into the spiritual. God is what grounds everything else. For me now it is as if everything exists in God and so that helped me to be less of a “God is only there on Sunday” person, but to keep moving and find God in all things. I feel this constant prayer ringing in me the whole day because all the time is now prayer. I am singing to God. I am always talking to God and also listening to God. God is with me all the time and this is awesome. I want everyone to feel like this. I want everyone to have a relationship where God is with you in things. I feel always like the Creator of the universe is my good friend. I am asking God always, “What is next?”

176

James feels connected to his life and his spirit in a way that is vastly different to how he was living his life just a couple of years ago while he was in college. A second effect of being immersed more in his spiritual development and ongoing healing through spiritual direction was a greater utilization and comfort with spiritual resources. Instead of shunning these things as he did in college he now thirsted for them. In spiritual direction, for example, he was given scripture passages on which to meditate. The last one was God saying, “I am doing this because I am your God and I love you.” It was about how God is found even in our tribulations. It is in these tribulations where God promises that God will never abandon us. These experiences happen to help us to grow. God was saying to me that, “I did this so you end up perfect with nothing missing.” It revealed to me God’s love and the beauty of that love. Even though he was initially hesitant to go, James went on a spiritually directed retreat where he “started listening to the Christian music on that retreat.” He found on that retreat that Christian music spoke to him and here he found God communicating to him. James remarked about this experience that, “It is beautiful see how God works.” As he was listening to Christian music on this retreat, a song came on called ‘Free’ that hit me. It was so amazing. It was describing my past and it was all about this person like chained and trapped with demons all over the place. The person in the song felt trapped by all these demons in his life. During a bridge in the song there is this passage where the demons scream, “Who is this man? Who is this that comes my way out of the dark?” They shriek, they scream his name. “Is he the one to come and set the captives free? Is this Jesus? Set me free!” It was powerful. I close my eyes and started praying. I could see the whole thing. I could see the chains and the demons and I saw Jesus come to set me free and it was ridiculous. Music talks to me. Spiritual music talks to me. It was a powerful and beautiful image of God and the light for me out of this image of Jesus was he just blowing everything bad away and taking me away. Praying and going on spiritually directed retreats are another resource that James feels has assisted his spiritual growth. One prayer experience on one of those retreats was powerful for him as people prayed over James after he had just told his life story with his small faith-sharing group.

177

I remember there were like five people and they put their hands on me and I close my eyes, and I feel like eight trillion hands all over me. It was kind of awkward but I felt like there were hands everywhere and I was thinking, “I do not know what is going on.” People were saying, “Please God we pray for James and his bad knees,” and I started crying. “We know his past, his problems with his lower back, and we know he has issues.” They asked God to help me with my priorities in life and to help me with my issues, and I started crying nonstop. These were healing tears. It was beautiful and then I felt this warmth came over me. I felt so at peace because I knew that warmth was of God. I was feeling, “This is heaven.” I was in this blissful and beautiful moment. I remember the tears not stopping. They were praying about all these different things about me and for me like, “Help him find love because we know he is looking for love.” Another spiritual resource that he has embraced is reading spiritual works. He finds his young adult group at church and his spiritual direction always guiding him and offering recommendations for him to read. One of the spiritual books he brought with him on a trip to Spain where he attended Catholic conference assisted him in overcoming some of his internal fears and doubts. So fear entered the picture again, and I remember grabbing a book for the flight, I just grabbed any random book and so I grabbed one from the middle. “Fearless” by Max Delgado was the book that I picked and ended up reading. I thought to myself, “Well there is God again. Okay God, I get it.” It is a great book. And one of the great messages of the Bible and it is woven throughout the Bible and was one of the messages of this book is God telling us to “Fear not.” The thing that he most says is “Do not be afraid. Do not fear” type of language and I thought, “Wow.” The central message of this book is we have to live our faith fearlessly. We have to go back to the early church, to those first apostles and martyrs, and do what they did. Spiritual direction has helped him overcome his fears and find the courage to spiritually lead. When he first joined his parish’s young adult group the membership was small and the organization of it unstructured. As the young adult group grew the unstructured organization became dysfunctional. At one point, James was thinking of leaving the group. He tells the story of how one night God kept pestering him to go home. James had made plans to see a soccer match at a local bar with some friends. God, he said, “had other plans for me that night.”

178

We are at the restaurant and I had this sense that I needed to go home. I could keep sensing God telling me to go home. I was thinking, “Stop it I have to eat.” And after dinner we were going to go to my friend’s house to watch the game. But I kept getting the feeling from God that I needed to go back home. I thought, “God could you just let me finish eating please?” So we finished eating. I told my friends that I would see them all back at the house so we can watch the game, but it was so bizarre. All of a sudden I realized I am home, I am in the garage, and I am saying to myself, “What am I doing here?” I am supposed to be at my friend’s house watching the game with my friends. This is so weird. I do not know why this happened. It was like I was on autopilot. It was so strange. A voice entered my head saying, “You are not going to go inside. You are going to stay here and I am going to talk to you and you are going to listen. I remember texting my mom and texting my two friends, telling them, “I am not going. I am staying at home. I have something I need to focus on and pray. I just want to focus and pray.” I zoned out and I am on the Internet. I am doing copy and paste. I am typing things and then going back and forth, and I knew God was inspiriting me, and that God was working through me because I was out of it. Out of that, with God, a model of what this young adult group should be developed. I said to myself, “God, this is so perfect.” Spiritual direction has also been helpful in James’ developing healthier relationships with women and his discernment between a vocation to the priesthood or to married life. In college James admitted to his addiction to sex and pornography, which he felt not only lowered his self- image but also affected how he viewed and treated women. Spiritual direction, he believes has helped him to discern the sacred within himself and in others. James felt that this change in perception “has healed and transformed how I treat women and relate to marriage.” Spiritual direction has helped him discern between being a Catholic priest or a married lay minister in the Church. James “sees the spirit moving me into the vocation of marriage and being a father.” A final effect that spiritual direction has had is found in James’ desire to flourish. In a few short years James’ life has seen a major turnaround from wanting to end his life his junior year, to now wanting his life to flourish. He also wants to spiritually lead and to direct others so that their life might flourish as well. I want to just keep working on the leadership of the young adult group because it is great to see how people are growing and developing in their spiritual life. I just want to keep

179

living my purpose. I want to just keep growing and flourishing and striving in my spiritual life as well as my whole life and to keep growing closer to God so I can come to know God better and myself better and other people better more and more each day. James has found a new excitement for his life and because of that he wants to help others to find their passions as well by assisting them in their spiritual development. Spiritual engagement for him, and especially the way he was spiritually directed, has given him a new lease on life. Talking about spiritual things helps me, especially when I bring things up to my spiritual director because it is shared and it is not just in my heart. We need spiritual mentors or directors in our life, for I believe they help us in all aspects of our lives as we share our faith. I am excited for my life and I am always wondering where God is taking me next. I do know that it is going to be to keep living my purpose, helping others to flourish, and to find their own purpose. I want to help them live their lives to fullness and to keep doing God’s work and living in the spirit. Conclusion DeBlanco (2012) argues that whatever students eventually end up learning, “the vast majority of college students are capable of engaging the kinds of big questions – questions of truth, responsibility, justice, beauty, among others – that were once assumed to be at the center of college education” (p. 173). Helping students to engage those big questions intellectually, emotionally, communally, and spiritually is an important part of what should be the mission and vision of higher education. For students’ spiritual development and growth toward spiritual intelligence (Emmons, 1999), spiritual direction can be a positive means for the engagement of these big questions by attending to college students’ spirits beyond their normal course of study. Analysis of the collected data presented a powerful testament to the effects of those formational and spiritual experiences that elucidate the impact of Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) in light of any previous childhood or young adult formational complexities and hardships. Through the interview process, looking across individual experiences, the data collected did yield some shared and common experiences for all participants of this study. The uniqueness of their individual experiences adds richer detail and facilitated a more profound understanding of spirituality in light of problematic formational experiences. Each participant in this study presented descriptive experiences of unique formational and childhood upbringing, a spiritual journey or quest that for these participants became important. This movement into Ignatian

180

Spiritual Direction (ISD) provided for them a channel to the bigger questions important to their spirit – ‘questions of truth, responsibility, justice, beauty among others’.

181

CHAPTER V: ANALYSIS OF THE DATA -- THE INVARIANT ESSENCES: THE EFFECTS OF IGNATION SPIRITUAL DIRECTION FOR PARTICIPANTS

Creswell (2007) explains that the process of developing an “essential, invariant structure” of every participant’s experience is to “grasp the essential meaning of something” (p. 195). The goal for the researcher is to develop “a brief description that typifies the experiences of all the participants in a study. All individuals in the study experience it; hence, it is invariant, and it is a reduction to the ‘essentials’ of the experience” (Moustakas, 1994). The focus of this scholarly work was to analyze the effects of Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) for research participants to come to a deeper understanding of whether or not ISD helped students in their spiritual development and growth toward spiritual intelligence (SI). After I finished coding the data I then looked for quotes that exemplified the effects of ISD as derived from these codes. The analysis revealed that ISD affected students’ spiritual development in sixteen key areas where there were invariant experiences. Finally, two other areas, coping and being balanced and centered, revealed a modest impact on at least half of the participants. I then organized these invariant essences into three groups: the effects of ISD for the participant, how it affected their relationship with others and how they viewed the world, and finally how their engagement in spiritual direction impacted how they made meaning about future life choices, vocational pathways, and their outlook on life. An additional key finding of this study is that not only did participants universally experience these sixteen spiritual intelligence indicators they also experienced them in a progressive manner. How this progression unfolded is demonstrated in the following analysis. The Personal Effects of Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) for Participants Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) was initially a place where participants felt cared for and loved. During the sessions participants expressed a growing awareness that they were created good, and that they were sacred. Sacredness is defined here through the values of human dignity and respect for human life as outlined in the ten building blocks of Catholic Social Teaching (Byron, 1998). As presented in Genesis, the first book of the Bible, sacredness is rooted in the act of God’s creating human beings and the world we live in as good. Maloney (1987), in speaking of the individual as sacred claimed that, The Church’s concern for social justice derives essentially from its view of the ultimate primacy of the dignity of the individual. The sacred view of the person is a basic value...

182

rooted in the theological claim men and women are created in the image and likeness of God. (p. 287) Finally, Byron (1998), remarked concerning this concept of sacredness that, “every person, regardless of race, sex, age, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, employment or economic status, health, intelligence, achievement, or any other differentiating characteristic, has inherent dignity and is worthy of respect” (p. 8). Sacredness in relation to all people and the universe is understood then in the belief that God created all things good, and that women and men were created in God’s own image and likeness. This increased awareness of their sacredness facilitated a growing development of identity through increased self-knowledge and confidence. ISD also helped them feel more connected, integrated, and whole. The spiritual direction process and immersion in other types of spiritual programming while in college exposed them to a wide variety of spiritual resources that they used and felt comfortable with and this furthered their spiritual development. Finally all participants felt that ISD helped them increasingly to trust themselves, others, and the world. For nearly half of the participants ISD helped them to better able to cope with life changes and to find balance in their life. The analysis that follows, therefore, presents sixteen major areas that all participants experienced in a progression and two areas experienced by half the participants where ISD had a positive significant effect. Healing Healing was an effect of the Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) process felt by every participant. Regardless of what dysfunctional and/or abusive formations these participants experienced, the claim was that ISD brought about healing. Ruth believed that by “naming these experiences in spiritual direction I found that it was a very healing part of my journey. By naming it I had power over the abuse rather than it having power over me.” Sarah expressed that, “spiritual direction for me has been profoundly healing and profoundly life-changing.” Sarah, whose childhood was filled with emotional abuse from her father, recalls a healing experience she had in spiritual direction. I forget what it is called but my spiritual director had this healing thing where he takes you imaginatively through an event in your life . . . and you have to find God in the event. And so the event was when I was little and my dad was driving and I was in the back seat and I am crying because my dad is yelling at me. And my Jesuit spiritual

183

director says, “Okay now, where is Jesus in this?” And the image I had was not my dad but Christ sitting in the passenger seat and him hurting too. Then I heard Jesus [my dad] saying, “I am sorry.” The process of finding healing through the spiritual direction process was a very powerful component for the participants in this study. Miriam, who faced a moderately dysfunctional upbringing, had unresolved issues of anger. “This semester of this year in spiritual direction I definitely focused on my relationship with Jesus more. This Jesus, who is there for me, is always with me, spends time with me, and heals me. I am a lot less angry now. Spiritual direction has really helped a lot.” Spiritual direction helped participants with emotional issues stemming from childhood or young adulthood, and because of that helped them heal not just themselves, but also other damaged relationships. Rebekah found “that the spiritual growth that was happening with my spiritual director was during a time when my family life was especially chaotic and a lot of hurt was going on and so spiritual direction brought healing.” Mark, who was always made fun of in his family, and then bullied in grade school and high school, found that his low self-image and anger issues negatively affected how he related to women. He found healing in the spiritual direction process that helped bolster his self-image and his anger issues. Spiritual direction helped me through fighting my pornography addiction, calming my anger at self and others. I have come to realize how valuable women are to me as people. And through a lot of healing and breaking of my bad feelings toward myself I find God has come to help me, he has helped me to value women a great deal. I used to treat them as objects, obviously, but this year some of my best friends are women. I think I said it before, but I am very aware of the challenges that I face in terms of how to relate to women because of my past experiences. Yet, because of what I have dealt with this issue in spiritual direction I am much more aware of how to deal with that in the future. Matthew best sums up the healing nature he experienced in spiritual direction. “I found in spiritual direction healing, a chance to cry over my deep hidden pain and woundedness, and found the space in spiritual direction to let them go, be healed, and trust.” The healing that participants experienced led to personal transformations.

184

Personal Transformation Participants who engaged in spiritual direction felt the experience led to personal transformations. Every participant mentioned how the process of Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) was transformative. Deborah feels that engaging in spiritual matters and being involved in spiritual direction “was probably the greatest character shift in a positive way for me.” Paul believed that his spiritual direction sessions were also life transforming. “It is one of those things that, you wonder how life would have been different if you did or did not have spiritual direction or to go on a retreat like that.” John expressed that spiritual direction caused a life- altering shift in his perspective. In spiritual direction John “needed to see and to know that there is something more to life, and I think that is kind of foundational, that really changed me, transformed me.” Deborah found that spiritual direction helped transform how she deals with change in her life and in the way she loves and is loved. So through spiritual direction I have been finding new ways to adapt and to deal with change in my life and that change is not the end of the world. I do not feel quite so put upon by others in a way. I am finding it easier to let go and let people love me because I know it is done now out of love. I think I am also a happier, healthier person because of spiritual direction and all these faith movements. I no longer feel like I am forced to love people but I want to love people out of love. Mary sees spiritual direction as personally transforming in how it helped her know herself better, gave her the tools to ‘rebuild’ her life, and helped her transition out of one of the lowest points of her life, and to seeing herself and others as holy. In spiritual direction everything shifted and it was when I figured out everything. That really helped me rebuild who I was, rebuild myself, and to just understand that God makes everyone to be who you are and not to be anyone else. That is when it was like I was in so much pain and been through so much hurt that I did not have any other choice but to turn to God. That, I think, has been what has been the lowest of low points in my life. Coming out of that was like the point when my spirituality was drastically changed. I found it went more from God just sitting up on a chair to God being within me and within everyone. Elizabeth also holds that spiritual direction helped her with a great clarity in life that she found personally transforming.

185

I can see my life more clearly now and appreciate it more now because the stuff that has been challenging, and working through my stuff in spiritual direction, has helped me to see the life, the grace, and the love that is in front of me. It has transformed my outlook on life. A majority of the personal transformations that participants experienced revolved around transforming negative self-image into a deeply felt sense that they are loved. Judith remembers a moment in spiritual direction where she shared with her spiritual director that she felt unworthy of God’s love. I was feeling very guilty about a lot of things and I was not letting God love me, so my spiritual director guided me into allowing God to love me for a while. So I believed that spiritual direction changed my mindset today. It always changes me in moments like that on a daily basis. I believe whole-heartedly that God loves me. Spiritual direction makes this difference for me. For Rebekah, who came from a more traditional and conservative Catholic household where images of God were purely masculine, a personal transformation for her was in how she imagined God. I think I now understand God in a more complex way that is more intimate and connected versus the standoffish holiness. I do not know how to name God as much because the more I come to know God the more there is to God and so it is hard to name God or pin God down. I am even embracing the more feminine imagery of God in examining that in my prayer life to a certain extent but I also think it is something also so new. A big issue for Mark, stemming from the constant teasing and bullying he received, was anger. Spiritual direction helped Mark navigate away from unhealthy anger issues toward more healthy emotional responses. In spiritual direction he, “was just so thankful that God had allowed me to see how to remove that anger finally. I finally was able to say, ‘I am done with this, I do not want this feeling anymore it is keeping me from moving on as a person and growing up.’ ” Whether it was through a greater awareness and embrace of self, a transition in how one imagined God, greater life clarity, emotional conversion, or an increased capacity to give and receive love, every participant in this study held that Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) brought about personal transformations. James encapsulates the ISD experience he had in terms of how his life was changed for the good. “It was different because I was a new person. I felt like a

186

different person. I saw the world differently and I saw myself differently. I saw myself loved and holy and sacred. I felt there is something beautifully awesome within me, awesome in other people, and awesome in nature.” Personal transformations led participants to realize and reclaim their self as sacred. Sacredness toward Self Each participant spoke of a growing sense of themselves as sacred beings. This growing sense of understanding themselves as sacred, born of their experiences in spiritual direction, counteracted feelings of low self-worth, brokenness, and negative self-image. Miriam mentioned that because of spiritual direction, she “started to see me and others as sacred.” Priscilla found that spiritual direction helped her to “find the sacred in all the things I do, in who I am.” Deborah found that this notion of being a sacred and holy being is now an inseparable part of her identity. “Where I am in my life, and in my spirituality, for me now to not see the sense of the sacred within me is impossible. I see it in the animals and the plants, in my coworkers and myself and it is a great, beautiful place to be.” For a number of participants this notion of sacredness developed out of the healing and personal transformations they experienced with their spiritual directors. Ruth had a very strong healing response as she claimed her own holiness. I cried and cried and had this huge awakening, which fed off the awakening I had the previous year about the closeness of God in my life, because until these experiences God was way up there but now God was here [points to her heart] and definitely was inside of me. God was not in some other realm. I really started to understand that was not the case and I cried. My Jesuit spiritual director reinforced for me how God created me good and holy and that healing was great. Sarah, who had a less-than-loving relationship with her father, described him as violent and emotionally abusive, and because of that suffered from insecurities and low self-image. She credits her spiritual director for transforming these attitudes and misguided beliefs about herself. My first year was really hard. I guess my biggest struggle that I faced in spiritual direction was the insecurity that I had lived with for so long, of feeling of not being wanted, of not being good enough, of not being confident, and of not being worth anything to people. A lot of my realization of my sacredness and worth that came out of spiritual direction was when my director helped me to realize my gifts and that I am

187

starving people of the gifts that God has given me. I began to realize through this that I am not sharing the gifts that I should be by hiding behind this insecurity. I am worthy and I am loved and it took some time to feel that in my heart and I am grateful this came out in spiritual direction. My spiritual director looked at me and he said, “You are beautiful and you are worth it. You have to know that.” I was so amazed to feel that and to have this male spiritual director say that and from a woman’s perspective it was so nice. I do not think that guys realize that most of the time! We girls need to hear that because we just think that we are not. There was a lot of healing that started with that, of those wounds, that I found in spiritual direction. Judith found spiritual direction to be “refreshing for me because I experience God in myself and in a new way. Jesus would describe me as beautiful.” She feels that the prayer she does after spiritual direction connects her more closely with Jesus who says “something very loving and affirming, but for me he would use the word ‘beautiful.’ Spiritual direction has helped in a lot of ways.” Mark, who felt healed of his anger issues through the spiritual direction process, also felt his feelings of low self-worth transformed by his spiritual direction experiences. My spiritual director just started encouraging me to invite God into my day and this opened me to the possibility that I could have God so close because God created me as a loveable being. One day, after spiritual direction, as I walked back up to campus I started thinking about how incredibly good that it was that I have legs. As I walked back up to campus I prayed to God and I started thanking God for the fact that I can walk. I got really excited about the fact that I am capable of walking and I got really happy about my body. I was glorying in the fact that I can move around in God’s creation and that was a really positive experience for me in terms of recognizing what my body can do for me because in the past like I had abused my body with pornography and I did not feel very good about myself. John, who also suffered from low self-worth, found spiritual direction leading him to now not want to be “the second best version of myself.” I am a holy and good person. I found with Christ with me, the space to rise. I think that was the moment where I finally felt, “I am good. I am holy.” So coming to know that through spiritual direction I then wanted to give it all I got. I learned, through spiritual

188

direction and listening in prayer, God affirm me, and that God meant to show me that this is where I need to be. Rebekah’s comment embodied the sentiment of the participants regarding how the spiritual direction process helped them to embrace their own worth and holiness: When I think of the holy and humanness of Jesus and think of my own life, I think part of it is recognizing to tread more lightly. We are all learning to walk in the truth that the divine and the human exist in all of us. Holiness is in all of us, including myself, regardless of whether you recognize it or not, it is there. I think there is that kind of dignity and presence in us as being very sacred. I really believe in that a lot. Increased understanding of a participant’s sacredness facilitated greater self-knowledge. Growth in Self-Knowledge/Identity Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) had a positive effect for all participants in that it helped them grow in self-awareness and knowledge of who they are. Matthew felt that in spiritual direction “I found a chance to grow into myself, and who God created me to be.” Eve thinks that, “spiritual direction has helped me to connect with my true self a lot more and to cut out the bull. It is not just going through the motions.” Paul found that spiritual direction presented an opportunity, “to learn as much as I can about myself and what God wants me to do.” Priscilla has “seen a lot of healing over the years and being in spiritual direction has guided me and helped me to know myself better and in a more whole way.” Mary, able to reflect on the many changes she has gone through in life, and able to process her life experiences in spiritual direction, has come to know herself as her own person. We grow and change through the years and now, because of spiritual direction, I feel like I appreciate myself for who I am and I do not feel like I have to be anyone else. I do not really care about what everyone else is wearing, or what everyone is doing. I do not feel like I have to fit into those molds. I can be my own person and be proud of that. Engaging in spiritual direction has helped Anne discern movements in her life, both those that are positive movements that help define her and who she is, and other movements that breed self-doubt. Overall, this ability to discern how different life experiences affect her has helped her better able to know herself. So spiritual direction has helped me understand how the spirit works with me and what actually makes me feel at peace and with passion, versus questionable movements where

189

I feel anxious and not in a good place. One of the other things I like about spiritual direction is I have actually learned things about myself and about life. I wish that type of learning I could have found in my classes. Judith, who lost herself in an emotionally abusive romantic relationship, and Rebekah, who suffered emotional abuse from her brother and from bullying in grade school, found the spiritual direction process as helping them reclaim their sense of self. For Judith, “after the period where Austin and I broke up, that time spiritually, upon reflecting back on it in the spiritual work and direction I have been doing, was very important to helping me find myself again. It was a time when I really learned a lot about who I was.” This notion of finding herself again was an important part of Rebekah’s story of how she was healed in spiritual direction. I think that spiritual direction was a testament to healing, of just needing to be by myself with Jesus, because I was just figuring stuff out and working through things and spiritual direction helped me find me again. That summer was kind of finding me again. I felt I was growing a lot personally out of that relationship but it was kind of like that summer I was remembering my own voice and my own strength. Rebekah found the work that she and her spiritual director were involved in was “a lot of interior work, inward work, and I needed that for my own benefit, for my own understanding of who I am.” She felt this need to be healed and come to know who she is because she saw that not knowing who she was, was affecting her relationships and she wanted “to be a good friend instead of being a hot mess and to work on that.” Finally, Elizabeth was amazed that she came to so much self-awareness, self-knowledge, growth and healing in her spiritual direction sessions. I think I went into spiritual direction talking a lot about other people but not realizing how much I was going to learn about myself and how I react to things and what I can and cannot control. That was a big thing – letting go and letting God. I could say that before but I really did not invest in that and believe that. The more self-knowledge the participants experienced the more their confidence grew. Growth in Self-Confidence/Identity Another area where each participant felt that Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) was beneficial was through converting their awkwardness and low self-image issues into being more confident individuals. Judith felt that “In spiritual direction I became stronger and more whole.”

190

Ruth, whose familial experiences, awkwardness and low self-image led her to not speak up and hide her emotions found spiritual direction building her confidence. Through her spiritual work and through engagement in spiritual direction she does “not want to hide in myself now. I am usually the first one to speak in a group. There was no place to hide. I did not want to hide in myself anymore.” Paul has found this confidence helps him relate with others in healthier ways. He extends the esteem he has received in the spiritual direction process through building up the esteem of others. The spiritual direction I have had in my own reflection on my life and in the fits and spurts I have had these past four years has been really helpful to me in terms of making me grow up into a man who values other people for who they are. For some of the participants, this confidence was not only an internally embraced confidence in self but also translated to a confidence and ownership in what they believe. Ruth feels that spiritual direction has helped her to own her spiritual development and her faith. Spiritual direction has been important to my healing process. What has also been important for me is the personal growth of owning it, owning my spiritual development, especially in terms of my faith life and going to Mass. In my spirituality, because of spiritual direction, something has shifted within me where I am no longer dependent on other people for that component of faith but really understanding that I own my spirituality and that I own my faith. Sarah found spiritual direction also deepening and transforming her faith. “And so my faith started to look different. It started changing.” This transformation revolved around her “growing into my faith and spirituality in the sense of being less awkward and more confident.” She felt healed and a part of things where “it is not I against the world, and here comes the Jesuit stuff, but me really finding God in all things. And it is funny, now even like looking back, spiritual direction did a lot for that sense of confidence and healing.” Mary, with a damaged notion of self-worth from an emotionally abusive romantic relationship, found that spiritual direction helped her reclaim her worth and made her more confident about herself. Now after that there probably was a year or two of building myself up and getting all my confidence back and all of that. I definitely think that I am in a better place now because of spiritual direction than I was before I started dating him. Spiritual direction has helped

191

me in terms of being comfortable with myself and having confidence in myself. I went into spiritual direction because I needed to be healed, to build myself back up, and to get my confidence back. For some participants this newfound confidence translated into the courage to risk being more virtuous and to take a stronger stand regarding working for social justice issues. Mary feels that since she has developed “a much deeper relationship with God that because of it I am less scared to speak out about social justice and faith issues. So I am not scared to do that.” Spiritual direction helped her take some of the more negative effects of her formational experiences and find healing. This healing has empowered her to “speak up for people who I feel do not have a voice within themselves.” Spiritual direction has helped her find her voice and confidence and she now wants others to be empowered as well. She shares a moment where the work in spiritual direction of building her self-confidence translated to her being confident at her workplace. And I had a really hard time doing that, becoming confident in myself, until I became more spirituality based in spiritual direction and sort of centered as a person a little more. God put me here for a reason. God put me in this meeting at work, for example, for a reason. I know what I am doing. And that confidence that God is behind me in everything that I do has given me the ability to speak up. I had people in this work meeting who were multiple levels above me asking me very difficult questions. I was able to stand there and give my point of view and then my recommendation went through with no problems and the recommendation was a very difficult one. Eve has also discovered a newfound confidence and strength because of her spiritual journey, despite some of her harmful formational experiences. She has found that this healing process, and the resulting confidence it instilled, has also moved her to want to work for socially just concerns. Spiritual direction has helped me find the space that defined me – me in relation with God, with who I am, and with others. It has helped me to find confidence in things that matter to me spiritually from a social justice standpoint, and to feel healed of things. So it has been great. I have had to go through the bad to know the good, too, and that has been a great gift of spiritual direction. I know better now what works for me and what fulfills my needs.

192

Anne, Priscilla, and John made connections between how spiritual direction healed them, gave them more confidence, how that confidence helped form their identity, and helped them to understand who they are more completely. Anne remarked that “through spiritual direction I feel like I have become much more independent and I am much more confident.” She believes that spiritual direction has helped her, “integrate my spirituality into my normal life, to help blend the two and to let that be my identity.” Priscilla found that “spiritual direction has helped me in being competent and confident in who I am and to know that I was doing good things. It gave me the confidence to be who I am, someone who is caring, easy to get along with, and kind.” Finally, John also makes the connection between spiritual direction, increased confidence, and identity formation. He also finds that confidence moving him to use his story to be present to others as he listens to their stories. It is funny, but all this spiritual work and spiritual direction, I found, gave me more confidence. I find a confidence coming out of my story – where I was, and where I am now – and that has helped me to counsel people through their life stories. And recognizing that in yourself I think that makes you even more confident to do more and to seek more, in guidance or development or spiritual direction, whatever it might be, because you are comfortable with who you are. The more participants’ confidence grew the more they were able to make connections and integrate certain aspects of their life. Connection/Integration Universally participants believed that Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) helped them to integrate and find connections between various parts of their life. This connection and integration was for participants different depending on what happened in their spiritual direction sessions. The connections may have revolved around what happened in their past to their life lived currently. The connections may be between the various facets of their life such as friendships, work, faith, social connection, and desires such as what James experienced when he found that “everything is sacred.” Finally, the connections may be about integrating aspects of their life generally. Matthew found that from where is at today spiritually versus when he was younger and growing up in his abusive household that he no longer “hates my life” but now feels connected to living. “My life did not connect and fit in my youth and now there seems connection, and

193

holiness, existent in things greater than me, but spiritually it takes time.” Eve, in spiritual direction began to see how current behavior, how she relates to others, and even her worldview about justice issues connected with what happened to her in the past. My Jesuit spiritual director has a style where you just go in and you talk, and talk, and talk and the last ten minutes he will spiritually help me to see how everything relates. “Well this connects to that and this and that.” I had not really found out my own context and my whole life through spiritual direction had really just come together; connected to what I was experiencing now and how they could be related in so many ways. Because I was seeing my whole life had just come together; more as an uphill, like progressing, evolving thing. I was always just completely moving on, and growing in so many ways. I think that what I got was not to compartmentalize – well this is my academic life and then this is the spiritual, and then this is my relationships – everything came together into that spiritual space – everything comes together. That is what spiritual direction has really helped me to do – try to not compartmentalize and just make connections through everything. I just feel that I am holistically feeding myself. And like I said, when I go into spiritual direction, and I have those great moments, I feel like everything in life just follows – that spiritual journey, that spiritual path. Not that everything becomes rainbows, puppy dogs and sunshine but it is just that being able to process everything a lot easier. So, that was great! Mary felt as well the spiritual direction has “helped me see how all of my life, my friends, my work, my relationships, my family, my social life, and my passions are all connected.” Rebekah finds that because of her time in spiritual direction she feels whole and connected up to this spirit that enlivens her and helps her find meaning in life. She recalled a moment in one of her spiritual direction sessions where she her spiritual director led her through a guided meditation where she began to start to feel this notion of connection. I felt this oneness like I am walking out until a lake like it is frozen or big field and it is at night and is a huge dome of stars and I am standing there with my arms out and my eyes are closed and there are stars and feeling not only grounded but also part of something bigger. I think that is how I feel connected to the spirit or sense of the spirit of God whatever.

194

The more participants were able to make connections between their spiritual development and other aspects of their lives they felt greater comfort and demonstrated an increased use of diverse spiritual resources, which further aided their spiritual development. Use of, and Comfort with, Spiritual Resources Through spiritual direction, as well as through engaging in spiritual programming on campus, students were exposed to a wide variety of spiritual resources. This exposure not only fueled their appetite to engage those resources but also increased their comfort in using them as part of their spiritual development. Priscilla expressed, regarding her time in spiritual direction that, “one of the great things I received through spiritual direction is the ability to find multiple ways of engaging my spirituality, different people, different ways to pray, different programs, and different retreats – all sorts of different spiritual resources.” Matthew mentioned that his spiritual director gave him a spiritual book to read that was pivotal, taught him how to pray contemplatively, and he then actively began to journal about his spiritual life. An important book during that time was Thomas Keating Invitation to Love – which spoke of our un-freedoms and the movement toward a union with God. I was in spiritual direction and in silent contemplative prayer for the next three years. I wrote in my journal a lot over those years and I grew in feeling in deep communion and communication with God and these things that helped me let go of my past. Deborah recently converted to Catholicism after being raised a Baptist. She started spiritual direction during that time at the Jesuit parish on campus. She mentioned that this process of conversion and the spiritual direction she was involved with increased her desire to want to know more about the Catholic faith. She uses a wide variety of spiritual resources including the Internet to enhance her understanding of the Catholic faith and to grow spiritually. Now if I am sitting on the couch and if someone says something spiritual I am thinking, “What, that is interesting.” I am then wondering how it relates to ‘x’ Bible passage and then I will just Google it in my living room. Or you know I am looking at a couple of the spiritual books for the faith sharing group but also for my spiritual journey and there are six religious books sitting on my counter. Sarah, because of her spiritual direction, “started reading scripture more. I started reading more spiritual things.” Judith, a more conservative Catholic, tends to turn to more traditional resources for spiritual growth and support.

195

I have come to appreciate things that are beautiful about Catholicism more as I have grown spiritually such as different prayer methods, like adoration, asking for the intercession of saints, talking with Mary, praying the rosary, praying together with my Catholic young adult group, and knowing I can always turn to spiritual direction and my spiritual director as resources. Rebekah finds that the specifically Ignatian resources she has been given by her spiritual director as transformative and spirit building. She feels that it has influenced her ability to articulate what is important for her spiritual and has given her a language in which to share her spiritual journey with others. So during the week together we will do a lot of reading on Ignatian spirituality and that was really cool. I have really enjoyed that. I think in terms of spiritual direction that I have had especially here at this university have given me a kind of language, if you will, a toolkit to process my experiences of faith. I think back on it and to have directors as not only spiritual sounding boards but also to direct me to different types of prayer, or to reading different kinds of spiritual reading, or to try this particular spiritual practice is great. It also is a lot of being able to articulate my experience with someone else, with my director, who can sit back through a spiritual lens and help me have a different kind of spiritual awareness. Finally, Elizabeth, who felt also needing to be the parent for her parents, found healing, comfort, and spiritual growth through the spiritual direction process and her utilization of different spiritual resources. She feels this spiritual work has energized and transformed her life. I have excitement for my journey. I have all the support systems in place that if anything bad does happen I am not alone and that is another big thing I think I learned through spiritual direction. There are a lot of different spiritual resources that I can tap into and engage. Then in terms of me personally my prayer life is a big one and I had articulated that early on in the spiritual direction process that I wanted to pray better. I am now reading The Spirituality of Imperfection. It starts with looking through the lens of the twelve step program and success of Alcoholics Anonymous but it goes into the spiritually of life not being perfect. It is really awesome I read that as part of my spiritual direction. In the book there are a lot of things in there about healing and forgiveness and so that was

196

cool and I have used pieces of that like educationally in papers, talking to my peers, and talking to some of my kids. It definitely shaped the way I minister to other people. The increased involvement with spirituality and spiritual resources moved them to greater trust of themselves as persons, and increased their capacity to trust God, others, and life. Trust The ability to trust self, God, others, and life despite its complexities was also an area of growth felt by all participants because of their time spent in spiritual direction. John, who in college was active in Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD), found a growing capacity to trust – a capacity to trust that was not present in his challenging and abusive childhood. “Through spiritual direction in college I just slowly started to say, ‘Well, okay maybe I just have to trust God. You know I think God you are going to take care this and be with me through it. I believe.’” Matthew in his spiritual direction relationship found healing from his physical and emotionally abusive childhood and the capacity to trust the God desired that healing. In one session of spiritual direction Matthew recalled that his director gave him Psalm 139 to pray and meditate on. “Upon meditating on it I felt God probing and heard God moving me to trust and to overturn every wound. I heard God say I will hold it with you and I will be there with you.” Elizabeth found through her interaction with her spiritual director not only the space to trust God, herself, and others, but also to be able to let go of the need to keep her life under tight control. Things in life are all going to fall into place like it is supposed to -- so trust is a big one for sure that I learned in spiritual direction. The ability to trust God, to trust myself, and to trust others were big areas of growth for me that I learned in spiritual direction. So for example, one of the big things that I have taken away from spiritual direction was to let go of being an obsessive planner. I like to organize. I like to have my one year, five- year, and ten-year plans in place. I used to function like that. I needed to have everything planned out. It scared me if I did not have those plans in place and it prevented me to do things if I did not have everything figured out. The process of spiritual direction has helped me to realize I have so much to do in my life and to know what I am equipped for. I know there are going to be good things and there can be some awful things but not knowing is totally okay. I had to let go and trust. Now I look ahead

197

and I do not know what I am going to be doing in a year, and beforehand that would have freaked me out and now that is kind of cool. That is how much my life has changed. This capacity to trust even when life presents challenges and complexities was also felt by Mary through her being involved in spiritual direction. “I think because of spiritual direction, what I have evolved into now in faith is a growing trust that everything that happens in every moment is for a divine plan, something that is greater than what we can see here.” Mary felt that spiritual direction helped he come to “believe in the fact of how everything is unfolding with some divine purpose guiding things and guiding me.” She now trusts that God is there in good times and bad and that growth happens in all things. She has “learned to trust that there is something greater than we can see here, an unfolding that even though bad things happen in life God is with me. And so I trust that there is good will and growth.” The trust established in the spiritual direction relationship between director and directee allowed for Eve and for Mark to begin to trust their ability to form good friendships but also to trust others and the world around them. Eve’s “spiritual director was the only person on campus that I told about the extent of the abuse with my dad, and everything, because there was that trust that had been established, and that is what this space is for.” Eve felt that “out of this trusting relationship I was better able to trust other areas of my life and other people.” John also felt that this increased capacity to trust encompassed in finding good people in his life that he could trust as friends. He also found an increased ability to trust others because of his time spent in spiritual direction. The spirit, through spiritual direction, is moving me in a sense to a different way of being and relating. I started to trust others not blindly, but with a certain quality, a kind of knowing what kind of person will be there for you, and is going to be there with you, not hurt you, and just help you to grow. I started trusting in teachers and priests who were guiding me directing me and the spirit giving me the confidence by guiding me to meet more people, more good people. I started gravitating toward that. It took me a while to figure out what happened, a long while, but at the same time it was kind of a revelation to me that this is how I fit in and that I could begin to trust others. Trust was then an important part of participants’ developmental experience fostered by their spiritual direction experience.

198

Coping For half of the participants in the study the theme of finding the capacity to cope was a significant movement for them that developed out of their Ignatian Spiritual Direction. Although not an invariant essence, eight participants felt this was a significant positive personal effect in their life that Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) helped foster. I decided to include a discussion on coping because of this significance even though participants did not universally experience the phenomena. Ruth, after her sexualized experience in a European study abroad tour by a faculty member on that tour who fondled her, felt after the experience certain events triggering her to breakdown. Ignatian Spiritual Direction helped her to cope. I am in a much better and healthier place because of spiritual direction. Because of him and for me there are these moments now that kind of trigger things and are still happening but spirituality and spiritual direction is helping me to cope with these triggers and with what happened to me and I know I can have some spiritual thing or someone to turn to when these triggers happen. I did not want to run away but so doing spiritual direction helps me to cope and I argue, and will always argue that everyone needs to be involved in spiritual direction. Deborah and Rebekah found that spiritual direction helped them, as they moved from more black and white thinking to a more complex understanding of the world, a way to deal and cope with that increasing ambiguity. Rebekah found that spiritual direction was helpful in helping her discover the ability to cope with change in life. I think there was a growing awareness of the ambiguity of life, that life is not black and white. For me, I am someone who is this very decisive person. Let us just make a decision about things. I am still like that in some ways, but I am also coming to grapple with the more complex way of thinking about emotional, intellectual, and spiritual things and to deal with the ambiguity of that complexity. Deborah felt that “through spiritual direction I have been finding new ways to adapt and to deal with change in my life and that it is not the end of the world. Eve felt that her spiritual direction experiences made her less anxious about life and helped her to realize that “everything would be fine then, and everything would be okay because of that love of Christ that was pointed out to me in spiritual direction.”

199

Balanced/Centered Eight out of the sixteen participants felt that Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) was significant in that it help them feel more balanced and centered in their lives. Although not universally experienced by all participants, yet since it was significant for half of the participants, I decided to include this as a topic of discussion here at the end of this personal effects of ISD discussion. Anne and Miriam believed that spiritual direction helped them take a step back from overextending themselves in college and find time for God and for them. They were encouraged to let go of doing too much and finding a healthier life balance. Anne felt that her spiritual direction encouraged her to be more balanced in life and that in spiritual direction and prayer she found the space to slow down and just be. Spiritual direction has helped me refocus that is for sure. I feel like I was just so busy that I was just going through the motions too much. I needed to slow down, relax, and be able to reflect on my life and where God was in it a little bit more. My life got kind of crazy with school, work, and just general being too busy. Given my background and history I just needed somewhere to slow down and reflect on my life and where I am going and I found that balance in spiritual direction. Miriam thought that her spiritual direction “brought self-awareness and balance to my life but also to take time out of the day for God. And we talked a lot about boys, about balancing studying all the time, prayer, exercising, service and all that.” Priscilla and James found that spiritual direction helped then be more balanced in a more centered way. Priscilla expressed that her spiritual direction helped her become more self-aware and balanced In spiritual direction I found balance and self-awareness. It was a time where I grew so much. I find balance in life now and I understand myself more and more. And I am able to own and be comfortable with my faith and spirituality. James felt that not only did spiritual direction bring balance to his life but that it also transformed him into a new man. And so the rest of the college was good because I felt more balanced because of these spiritual experiences and spiritual direction. It was different because I was like a new person I felt like a different person. I saw the world differently and I saw myself

200

differently and I saw myself loved, holy, and sacred. I felt there is something beautifully awesome within me an awesome and other people and awesome in nature. The progressive effects of ISD for participants initially allowed a feeling of being healed. This healing from the effects of the abuse and dysfunction they experienced led to personal transformation. As they experienced the various personal transformations and felt healed, they then experienced a growing sense of personal sacredness. The more they held themselves as sacred they more they came to know themselves in more completely. This increased self- knowledge facilitated increased self-confidence. Self-knowledge and self-confidence allowed them to stand back from how their formational experiences affected them so they could integrate and make the connections around who they are and of their place in the world. ISD, and continued engagement in other spiritual practices, increased for participants their comfort and use of spiritual resources so that they were able to further their spiritual growth or use these resources to assist them during future times of trial. All of this instilled within participants a greater capacity to trust themselves, others, and their place in this world. The Effects of Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) on Participants’ Relationships with Others A second general area where Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) positively affected participants was in their ability to relate to others in healthier ways. ISD helped participants to transcend from the personal to the social and to see beyond their experiences by embracing others and discovering something greater about life. Participants now aware of a greater sense of their personal sacredness were able to come to see others’ sacredness and sacredness of the world as they began to see God in all things. This increased sense of sacredness in others and in the world, through ISD, fostered a greater sense of the need to be moral and to grow in the virtuous life. Transcendence The ability to transcend what happened to participants as children or as young adults and find greater understanding, connection, and purpose in life was also a theme mentioned by all participants in this study. John felt that spiritual direction helped him transcend the effects of his abuse to find self-understanding toward a movement out of self to connection with others. John found Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) moving his “heart into something greater, of understanding yourself, welcoming the stranger, and welcoming those other people you might

201

not see in another place.” His spiritual director helped John “to be healed and to try to live my life a little bit differently. I want to bring that back to people. In spiritual direction I experienced moments that transcended me and moved me out of myself into something bigger and beyond myself.” Finally John believes that spiritual direction helped him be free from the constraints of his past to find personal growth. “I will always remember my experience of spiritual direction because it transcended those things and created me into the man that I am today.” Participants felt that spiritual direction helped them move outside of themselves to find connection to things greater than them, to a greater love, to new ways of relating to God and others, and to an increased excitement for what life has in store for them. Matthew found spiritual direction, for example, helping him move beyond his childhood abuse to a sense of holiness and a greater sense of connection with the world around him. “My life did not connect and fit in my youth and now there seems connection, and holiness existent in things greater than me, but it takes time.” Ruth who was always trying to understand who God was for her and what her faith meant for her had her faith nearly destroyed through the sexual exploitation she experienced during a European study tour. Spiritual direction helped her move beyond that experience and restored her faith. “Faith is something bigger than what I thought. Faith is something greater than what I thought it was. Spiritual direction helped me embrace once again how God is love and that is what I came to understand.” Sarah also believed that spiritual direction helped her to be able to name, come to understand that she is more than her abusive experiences, and to finally move beyond what happened to her as a child. In spiritual direction I liked having the ability to sit back and have that kind of outside-of- you experience and be able to name this and this and that and then claim this about me and disclaim that about me. I have come to understand that God is bigger than what happened to me. God is so much bigger than that. So spiritual direction has helped my ability to not be afraid of dark places, like sin or whatever, because I had this idea from my childhood that I was not good and that I had to be this certain way in order to be faithful and good which was unhealed. No, the Lord is bigger than that and because he is bigger than that I could move beyond my hurts and let God in and heal me. Mary believed that spiritual direction helped her be better able to deal with “difficult situations that I am going through and now I can see perhaps the larger purpose beyond that situation and though it may be awful right now down the road it may end up being the best thing for me.”

202

Anne expressed that “spiritual direction has helped me move out of myself and to see and understand the reasons why I am doing certain things. Spiritual direction has helped her to “understand now why I am attracted to certain things, or why things matter and what is important. I find now my life no longer isolated but I am rippling out to other things, rippling out to a greater worldview.” James also felt that spiritual direction helped him move beyond some of the hurtful experiences of life and move beyond them to know also that there is a love he can discover. “I mean there are bad things that were happening but overall I could see the bigger picture of things and that there was more to life than just these bad experiences and it is hard to put into words but out of those bad experiences I really felt loved in the presence of God.” Finally Rebekah, through a guided meditation by her spiritual direction experienced a transcendence that made her feel one with something greater than her. I felt this oneness like I am walking out until a lake like it is frozen or big field and it is at night and is a huge dome of stars and I am standing there with my arms out and my eyes are closed and there are stars and feeling not only grounded but also part of something bigger. I think that is how I now feel. I feel connected to this spirit or sense of the spirit of God. Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD), based on participants shared stories of their experiences, disclosed that for them there was common spiritual growth through healing, personal transformations, increased self-knowledge, increased confidence, greater capacity to trust, and an ability to transcend the effects of the dysfunction and/or abuse they experienced. Also, this spiritual growth that they experienced personally through the spiritual direction process was beneficial in helping participants to now embrace others and the world as sacred. Moving out of the personal benefits, Ignatian Spiritual direction helped participants better integrate and connect the spiritual with their life, their work, their passions and their relationships. Finally, participants engaged in ISD now noticed a growth in the virtuous life. The increased ability to trust helped move participants from a narrowly confined self-focus into a state of transcendence where they were able to come to know and understand things outside of themselves, such as, others, the world, something greater, the common good, and/or God. Their participation in ISD further allowed them to hold all their encounters with others as sacred.

203

Sacredness in Others Out of a growing sense of sacred within spiritual direction arose participant’s increased awareness of the sacredness of others. In spiritual direction, Rebekah found that “the notion of referencing me as sacred allows me to finally reference other people and other beings on this planet as sacred. Understanding to be holy is to be fully human and fully alive and this is very Ignatian.” The ability to come to first understand that they are sacred through spiritual direction has fostered for participants the awareness that all people are sacred. They had to come to a deeper appreciation and love for themselves before they could truly love and see others as sacred. Anne found, because of her spiritual direction, that in everyone she is “surrounded by the body of Christ. Everything has greater significance. Everyone you meet, everything you do has worth and is sacred. I think that is really important to remember too.” Judith found that embracing her and others’ sacredness makes all of life more valuable. “Jesus is in everyone and when I believe and feel that everything in life is always a lot better. So, because of my spiritual direction, it is something that I have really come to believe. Sarah, through spiritual direction and a lot of self-reflection, realized that her spiritual growth would not always be perfect. At the end of the day however, born of her notion of her own goodness and sacredness she did own that her spiritual development has moved her to see others as sacred and a desire to love. In spiritual direction I just came recently to the realization that not every day is going to be this spiritual high and not every day is going to be this, “I am going to get everything right all the time.” Sometimes it is going to be the exact opposite, but having also that sense of freedom to say, “Okay God, here I am, all I can offer is me. I feel myself holy and I am ready to show you, what it means to just go love people.” For me then in spiritual direction that shifted from self-focus to “Let us just go love people. Just go love the Lord.” Ruth sees the sense of sacred growing in her through the spiritual direction she received during college, and this made her appreciate the sacred in her relationships and to be more present to her friends. I think meeting with someone in a spiritual direction relationship either once a week or in some type of committed relationship forces one to think and reflect on his or her life. It

204

made me think about my relationship with God, find God in me, and recover the God who is found in all my relationships, instead of putting them on the back burner. Deborah was raised a Baptist and had a chaotic and abusive childhood. She entered into the Catholic Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults (RCIA) and converted to Catholicism. During that year she entered into a spiritual direction relationship and began to own her own sacredness but also find sacredness in her boyfriend and in others. She recalls an especially powerful moment during Mass where she felt the notion of belonging and a connection between her, her boyfriend, and her friend’s sacredness. The event for her was infused with sacredness. I was praying to God and I was saying to myself, “God I know you do not do favors just for people because they ask you to,” and so we are all just kind of kneeling at Mass and I asked God, “if this is where you want me, and if this is where you brought me, and if you really legitimately want me to do something here, and that is why I am here and you have arranged so many things in my life to bring me here just give me something, give me a sign.” I do not need the church to be set on fire. I do not need you to walk over and shake my hand, just a little something. And at that moment a woman friend was on one side of me and my boyfriend was on the other and both of them reached out to me and squeezed my hand, just ridiculously completely uncoordinated. It was very well timed and I said, “Okay, I will take that.” I think that I am here for some reason and so I wanted a sign of it. It definitely had an impact. The facility to come to see the sacred in others is not only relegated to friendships but to all people. Participants felt increased confidence to see all people as sacred and from that; based on the spiritual guidance and healing they received, to love the sacred in others through ministerial service. Mary found the sacred within and within others. I went into spiritual direction because I needed to be healed, to build myself back up, and get my confidence back. I now see God in me, and the sacred in every person. I see the sacred in myself, in nature, and in others. I truly see God is in that person or that person. And so I think that that has changed the way I act and so I try not to talk badly about people or I try to give people the benefit of the doubt more because really God is in everybody it changes how you respond to them. Some participants, through the newly found sense of sacred within from their spiritual direction encounters, felt empowered to help other people in need to reclaim their sense of

205

sacredness. Sarah, for example, out of the abuse she experienced, and then from how her sister’s abortion and drug use affected her and how the family out of those experiences related to one another found a desire to minister to homeless pregnant women. They have this homeless task force. So people who go out to the parks every day and invite people to meals and physically say, “You are worth it.” And we have conversations with them and everything, which is really cool. But then you also have people who work in the agency and so if you meet someone in the parks or on the streets who says “I am pregnant,” we can then, the people on the streets, help them and refer them to the pregnancy agency. It is powerful to have that kind of continuity in relationship, because a lot of times people do not know about or cannot go to the resources. They also may not use the resources because they feel, “I am not good enough. I cannot go because they are going to judge.” I firmly believe because I had someone walk with me spiritually that if you have someone staying always with you and walking with you that this makes a huge difference. I know it has for me personally, in my life. Participants in this study were also increasingly aware, as they transcended their formational experiences, of the sacredness and goodness in the world, and to believe that God indeed was ‘in all things.’ Sacredness in the World One of the gifts of being a part of spiritual direction relationship was to reclaim the goodness of self-hood. Spiritual direction also gifted participants with a transformed attitude in how they felt about and related to others. Ignatian spiritual direction also helped each participant in this study reorient their lives to view the world as sacred and that God is in all things. One of the components of Ignatian spirituality is this notion of ‘finding God in all things.’ Spiritual directors will frequently, with their directees, draw the conversation to an awareness of where God is present in the directees’ lives. Spiritual directors also will teach the directees different methods of prayer, such as, the Ignatian Examen of Conscience, which guided them to reflect on their day; what was good about it, what was not so God in the context of discerning where God was for them during those moments. Also, another prayer experience that spiritual directors may give their directees is to ask them to meditate on a Bible passage that is relevant to what was talked about in the spiritual direction session. The directee is asked to pray over the scripture by asking them to place them in the passage, to use their imagination, and then to engage their

206

senses and their feelings as they meditate on the passage. The purpose of this exercise is to not only make scripture come to life for the directee, but also to open their hearts to the reality that God is with them in their daily experiences just as God was present to them in those passages. Participants further extol the use of Saint Ignatius’ Spiritual Exercises, which are a set list of scriptural meditations and prayer dialogues usually done on a thirty-day silent retreat or with a spiritual director over the course of the year. Participants in this study, because of these spiritually directed ways to pray, were able to again see God in all their experiences and that God was and is always with them in the good experiences of life as well as the not so good. This instilled for participants that the sacred, the holy is not only in them, in others, but in all things. Matthew found “grace in spiritual direction.” He stated that his spiritual direction sessions helped him to find “love and support in all things. Today, I am happy in every aspect of my life, in this seamless embrace with God and life that was not present but now it is present.” Ruth, who had several experiences in life that were traumatic for her, began to question the goodness in her life and whether or not God was present to her. So I finally started learning about the Spiritual Exercises in finding God in all things. It was like my eyes were opened and I started to see God everywhere. “Yea!” And so when I got more involved in spiritual direction and started to get more into it I was like how does this happen? How do I go from, “Where is God” to seeing God everywhere? To go from, “Where is God in my life” and “Why is God not there” to seeing God in my life everywhere. God is indeed here with me so that by the end of my senior year this was totally a true conversion experience. Ruth was now able, because of the spiritual direction process, “to see God through everything, darkness and light. I could see the sense of sacred in me and in the world. Since she now is able to see God in her life again, and found healing and hope, she also felt that spiritual direction “helped to move me to forgiveness and because of this a passion for women issues and social justice issues concerning abuse has grown. Sarah was also able to translate her time spent in spiritual direction with a growing sense of the sacred flowing in her, in others, and from God. In her reflection that God is in the world she has come to know that this God will be with her in all things and will not ever abandon her. Finally, in being healed through spiritual direction, and through seeing others as sacred, Sarah feels called to work for women’s issues.

207

Spiritual direction has moved me from a false sense of what it means to be on fire for the faith to a place where God works through suffering. God is with us in the good things of life but also in the darkness, and the poverty, and in the suffering of the world. A bunch of friends and I started a Catholic women’s group on campus to share faith around women’s issues. Mary finds God in nature. “Yes, I think nature is a big one.” Mary shared an illustration of God in all things through the goodness of others. Even just things like, if you really stop to think how you get a meal, and all the things that go into it and all the people that work to get the food on the table. I think that is a holy experience. Anything where people are sort of working for the good of other people in an intentional way, I think that is holy. Mary believes that even though “there are bad experiences – I think that everyone that goes through bad experiences – comes out learning something.” She finds God in the good and bad experiences of life and she “feels like every bad situation that happens that God will use for our good, in some way, that we may or may not see, and you learn a lesson out of it.” For Mary then, “God is in everything, whether good or bad.” Paul, whose past, he claimed, was emotionally abusive and led him to addictions and unhealthy ways of relating to women has found in spiritual direction a growing sense of the sacred in all things. Spirituality has been growing in me the past year and spirituality is something I own and it is something I thirst for. I now see God in all things, in all people, in all experiences of life. I am realizing a lot of these Jesuit ideals that I am just learning about now have been a big part of my life -- of trying to find God in all things. Rebekah, who grew up with a not always present father, an emotionally abusive brother, and bullying in school was able to find again a sense of the sacred in her life and in the world through spiritual direction. She remarked that, “all throughout my life there has been crap and there have been wonderful things, but I never necessarily questioned the existence of God. Spiritual direction has helped solidify the truth that I know that God is there.” She “cannot think of a world where God does not exist – that concept is foreign to me.” The sacredness of the world, of finding God in all things, “is the lens through which I see everything now. I cannot

208

imagine looking outside, or walking on a nice day, and even with all the crap that people go through, I think the world is still really beautiful and I see that in the God connection.” Rebekah has come to understand that God is with her and alive in the world. She sees this God as a God of goodness. She sees God as being there “in things that are not so nice, yet there is a God who heals and comforts but also in the beauty of the world. Our God reminds us that all of this was created good. I see God as a God who accompanies me.” James’ spiritual director, in a spiritual direction session, used the notion of spirituality as something that grounds all things in his life. He “remembers my spiritual director talking about this folder exercise where we can compartmentalize the spiritual in one folder, our friendships and another, our work into a third, our family into a fourth, but my director was like all of our folders fit into the spiritual.” James, through this one session with his spiritual director, was able to see that “God is what grounds everything else. It is like everything exists in God and so that helped me to keep moving and to find God in all things. So everything is sacred.” This more complex way of being and relating then facilitated participants’ moral development and growth in the virtuous life. Growth in the Virtuous Life Each participant felt that the Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) they received in college helped them to grow into more virtuous people. ISD brought about a deeper sense of compassion to for themselves, for others, and for some of the participants the space to forgive those that abused them. Miriam felt that “Spiritual direction has helped me to grow in compassion.” John, whose formational experiences of emotional abuse and bullying left him with a low self-image and feeling like he never fit in credits the spiritual direction he received in college with helping him to reach out to others. His growing sense of compassion for others was born of the compassion he received in spiritual direction. One thing I experienced in spiritual direction was that I was shown compassion and because of that I owned the truth of how important it is to be compassionate toward yourself and others. You have to be gentle with people because we all have our own things that we are going through. In college, I did not say no to anybody, even the one that nobody wanted to hang out with. I would hang out with them. You know, and it was not because I felt like I had to, it was just something that I felt some joy being with that person. I think some of this wanting now to embrace others and especially to talk to and

209

try to befriend those that are alone. It was that sort of feeling where I know what it feels, to be in a sense, lonely. I think over the course of time I have witnessed a lot of pain and I think that is why Jesus always tells us to love. Any of the gospels, “It is all about did you love?” If there is anything I experience in spiritual direction was that God loves us more than anything. We are called to love too as compassionately as we can. Sarah, through her work in spiritual direction, was able to move out from a purely self- focus on the pain she was in to become more aware of others’ pain. Her growing awareness of others’ pain manifested in a desire to become a more virtuous person. I do not think people realize, and I guess this is true for a lot of people, people do not realize what a lot of people are carrying around with them. In spiritual direction my director did not judge my life. I can mess up, and I can learn from it, and I can grow in virtue, and so spiritual direction has been such a gift to me. Mary felt that one effect of her formational experiences, and the pain that these experiences caused her, made her to quickly judge others and to react to situations with anger rather than understanding. She sees, however, a direct link between the spiritual direction she received and her becoming more compassionate toward others. And with my spiritual direction it is really getting to the point where you see Jesus in everyone and you treat everyone in a different way. That has been really transformative for my life, because instead of my first instinct when I am mad at someone, has always been not as nice and very judgmental. Or if I am mad at someone I would just shut down and stew over everything in my head. And now I stop and think, “What could that person be going through?” I feel like I have a lot more compassion for people than I used to. I no longer shut down and I have a lot more compassion for people. Judith mentions as well this link between her spiritual direction and an increased desire to be more virtuous. I think that something I have been thinking a lot lately is that I have a cross and everybody else has a cross. It is important to be kind to people because you do not know how big their cross is and everybody has one that they can carry. Empathy is one of my strengths.

210

Finally, Ruth felt, through her spiritual direction, a movement to forgive the gentlemen who made a sexual advance toward her and fondled her during her European study abroad. The experience was very traumatic for Ruth, affecting even her ability to attend Mass. I am moving to the place where I could forgive. I understand that forgiveness first starts with me. I do recognize that I am more compassionate and I am more aware and spiritual direction has made me a better person, and I did not want to go through some of the experiences I went through, but I am more for having gone through them. Once a healthier sense of self was established for participants, participants in this study progressed through their sessions of ISD and became able to transcend or move out from their narrow self-focus to begin to grasp something greater than them. Participants, once their spirit was attended to, discovered that there was more to life. Seeing themselves as sacred they could now developmentally see the sacredness alive in others and alive in the world. This allowed them then to develop the relational virtues of compassion, forgiveness, and prudence, and so on, culminating in the development of more substantial and healthy relationships with others. These healthier and more meaningful relationships further reinforced the effects found in their personal spiritual growth. The Effects of Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) for Participants’ Meaning Making and Future Direction A third general area where Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) positively affected participants was in making meaning out of their life and to discover where their life is headed. ISD helped participants discern and reflect on major life choices. ISD also helped participants, from their increased self-worth and solidarity with others, to feel called to be spiritual leaders on their college campuses. Participants also felt that ISD helped them to discern vocational matters such as marriage or religious life and what to do with life after college in terms of career. Finally, participants believed that being engaged in ISD they discovered and increased desire to strive and to flourish in life. The increased self-knowledge and confidence, ability to relate in healthier ways, and increased capacity to see the world in a more positive light increased their desire to discern and make meaning of their place in this world. Discernment of Major Life Choices/Direction ISD fostered for all the participants the capacity to be more prayerful, reflective, and discerning especially around major life choices. The college experience is a time filled with

211

major life decisions. These experiences can be as varied as the choice of a major, what programs to be involved or not involved in, like service learning or whether or not to do a semester studying abroad, to what to do after graduation. Miriam credits her time in spiritual direction with helping her to be more critically reflective especially when she has a major life decision to make. I definitely feel because of spiritual direction I am more reflective right now. When I am, for example, making decisions about something, I take time now to think about it and bring it to prayer before I decide. Spiritual reflection is not really something that I did before. At the end of the day, in the evening or something, I quietly sit and reflect on my day. Reflection on my day is also something that I have never done before. Mary describes the discernment process that her spiritual director has helped her with as an emotional process of choosing based on movements of peace or anxiousness. She is in the process of discerning what to do next with her life. Whenever I act in a way that is not correlated with what my soul is feeling that is when I get anxious, and there is like this weird thing that happens, where I do not like how that feels. But if I act in a way that is reflective of what my soul is, then I feel like that is in line with how I feel and that is the most authentic that I can be. So I think that God is definitely in me, and that there is something sacred in me. I know God put me here for a reason and my job is to figure out what that reason is, and I desire then to go out and make the world a better place. Anne often uses the Ignatian prayer form called the Examen of Conscience, where a person goes through their day, both the good moments and the not so good, to see God moving through those experiences and where and if God is moving that person to grow. It is cool because the Examen of Conscience fits in perfectly with discernment. I actually gave a talk on a retreat earlier in the semester. I talked about the part of the Examen where you look back on your day and find out where God had been working in your life. I can look back on bigger chunks of my life, because of this prayer, and see, well, back then I did not understand it when it was happening, but reflecting back at it now, I think, “Oh, now that makes so much sense!”

212

Anne found spiritual direction a non-judgmental environment where she could share her life journey, reflect on that with a caring other, and find in that sharing with her spiritual director the guidance to make major life choices. I think spiritual direction has helped me with discernment especially with all these frustrations. I found the ability to talk about things, the important moments in life, and then say perhaps that is of God. I feel to be able to share those experiences with somebody who is caring and can listen and is not judging helpful. I found it so helpful especially around life directions because I was thinking about going to study abroad, or staying here, or doing a service-learning program. Paul also was discerning, in spiritual direction, between a service learning opportunity or the chance to study abroad. He felt the spiritual direction process as helping him not only discern, but that it led him to a sense of peace concerning his decision. The thing I have learned recently in spiritual direction about discernment is that everything you say “yes” to inherently will mean you are going to have to say “no” to other things. A couple of big decisions recently have been if I am going to study abroad in the fall or do service learning. After I make that decision, then if it is study abroad, is it this place or that place? I am just discerning where God is leading me? I would have been completely lost without some help from the Jesuits and my Jesuit spiritual director here. There are so many pros and cons of each. So it made it tough, but by praying, reflecting, and meeting with my spiritual director this led to a sense of peace about what to do. The increased self-knowledge and confidence, their ability to relate in healthier ways, and the increased capacity to see the world in a more positive light increased their desire to discern and make meaning of their place in this world. As they discerned major life choices during college participants in this study entered into and engaged in more spiritual programming, often as leaders. Spiritual Leadership Every participant was involved in some form of spiritual leadership on campus. This spiritual leadership developed organically out of their personal growth from Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) and from their engagement in other spiritual programming and resources on campus. For some of the participants, the leadership they were involved in stemmed as a way to

213

combat some of the abusive and/or dysfunctional experiences from their past. For others, spiritual leadership developed out of a social just cause that they were passionate about. Finally, some engaged in spiritual leadership opportunities furthered their spiritual growth. Rebekah, during her “junior and senior year took a leadership role in a lot of things.” As a student leader, she went on a service-learning trip to a South American country with a number of other students and faculty chaperones. During the trip, as students were exposed to the poverty there, a number of the fellow students began to complain about injustice in the Catholic Church. Rebekah, during that trip felt empowered even more “to work for social justice wherever injustice exists.” As a student leader she worked with other students to address the issue of injustice in the church. A lot of people on the trip had some bad experiences with the church and so they are pushing it away and complaining, “I cannot be part of this. It is to patriarchy. There is injustice, all these unholy things, all this complicity,” which is true. I knew that, but until this experience on this trip I felt uncomfortable with some of the things the church was doing, but it helped me to understand the difference between spirituality and religion. I kind of realized that transformation in the church is not going to happen if I walk away from this church. We talked about that, about being agents for social change, even in the church. I think this notion of working for social justice, working toward solidarity, making life better, and wanting to understand injustice from somebody else’s perspective of the world was and is very important for me. Eve found leadership in combatting domestic poverty and homelessness as a socially just and passion endeavor for her. She worked in a student led organization on campus called Labre. Labre is a movement founded by students of Jesuit high schools and universities where students spend time in the evening ministering to the homeless. Faculty or staff chaperones accompany them to these homeless sites. I went one night to a homeless camp after a woman in my program texted me to go with them. I knew at that moment I knew that this is the issue and place I wanted to be. I knew this was my cause. Every single Friday I was doing Labre and I became president of the group. Labre is done through the university but it is a student run organization. Spiritual direction really gave me the courage, as well as my core group of friends in

214

campus ministry, to really take a leadership in things and find what I am passionate about. Eve also was a spiritual leader where during one summer “for nine weeks in a poor city in New Jersey where I facilitated retreats for high school and middle school kids on social justice. Miriam and Priscilla further worked to combat poverty and homelessness in their university town. Miriam worked at a soup kitchen and homeless shelter where “I made lunches to the people that came in and I got to know them and hear their story.” Miriam also took on a leadership position when she convinced “area restaurants, or campus dining halls to supply any leftover food, make it into meals, and then to serve it around homeless agencies in town.” Priscilla is a “site coordinator for a kitchen that serves food to the homeless and I work at a homeless shelter. We do breakfast, lunch, and dinner meal programs. The people have a warm place to come and it has exponentially grown.” Mary finds the spiritual leadership she experienced in college translated into an overall life purpose, and for her, a possible vocational calling. She finds that her work and healing born out of being in spiritual direction leading to a growing sense of sacredness in others and that God was moving her to desire to transform the world by returning the love that she experienced from God. I think that for the most part my overall purpose or call is to help make the lives of the people around me better and to sort of be a light for them and to help them see God through me, or be able to see goodness in the world through my actions. Yes, I work for this overall purpose, but I see my work as helping the people that I work with on a daily basis, whether it is by listening to them, or by helping them with a project they are working on, things like that as returning God’s love. This spiritual leadership that participants were involved in, because of their spiritual direction, instilled in all of them a desire to look forward to their future and what they might do vocationally. These vocational movements, for participants in this study, focused on either being married, entering the vowed religious life, pursuing a secular career, or being a lay minister in the church. Discernment of Vocations Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) was important for participants as they looked toward their future and what to do with their lives. Participants felt that their spiritual directors were

215

instrumental in not only helping them to discern whether they were called to the vocation of marriage or to the vocation or religious life as a Catholic religious sister, brother, or priest. In Matthew’s spiritual direction sessions he found that this was an important vocational discernment for him. Matthew experienced deep familial emotional and physical abuse growing up. He found healing, spiritual growth, and an increased sense of social justice leadership through spiritual direction and because of these spiritual movements he began to discern serving others in the church. Vocationally, for me, religious life kept cropping up. The chance to look at the vocation question and of deeper questions for happiness was important for me. I found my selfless identity came for me by being in relationship with one another, and so through direction the vocation of marriage became a very real possibility for me. Paul has also “definitely been discerning the vocation to the priesthood with my spiritual director. To move where God wants me to fully love and experience God’s love for me fully.” Miriam, in spiritual direction, and through a series offered by campus ministry at her university, has also been discerning the possibility of entering religious life as a sister. We just recently had a vocational series that was really awesome. We had a priest come, and then a married couple, and then a sister. So that was really awesome. Last summer, and at the very beginning of this semester, I was really trying to understand if I was being called to a religious life. My spiritual director has helped me to be more reflective and discerning of where the spirit is leading me. Other participants, struggling with the religious life versus marriage vocation question, have found their time in spiritual direction moving them toward married life. Judith felt that her spiritual director worked with her to “answer to that question is that I feel very strongly that I am being called to marriage. I cannot see myself not being a mother.” James also finds the spirit, through spiritual direction, also calling him to the vocation of marriage. I see the spirit moving me into the vocation of marriage and being a father and just keep working on the leadership of the young adult group and it is great to see how people are growing and developing in their spiritual life and I just want to keep living my purpose. Spiritual direction has also been beneficial for participants as they look toward to their future and to discern what it is they want to do with their life vocationally. Rebekah’s experience in spiritual direction helped her to find meaning in life and the ability to “recognize our holiness

216

and to be happy and to be centered on this God who created us and to keep practicing that life that moves us forward and gives us meaning.” She sees a connection because of spiritual direction where “vocationally spirit and spirituality in my life are so intertwined and interweave with my life, not always perfectly, but there is this sense of a calling to be yet fully human, fully alive which is challenging, but super.” Ultimately Rebekah wants “to be able to go out and transform the world. I want to go out, be all I can be as fully myself, and to learn how to receive and give love.” She likes how she discovered in spiritual direction of how deeply she is loved and how she now wants to return that love. I love how Saint Ignatius spoke of love in his ‘First Principle and Foundation’ of being created in love and encountering God’s love and making a return of that love. Wherever I am called I want to return the love that I have received during my time here at this school. Sarah felt that not only was the time spent in spiritual direction healing, but also helpful in terms of discerning what she feels that the Holy Spirit is calling her to do after college. I am going to my senior year and I want to figure out what I am doing next year after I graduate and so I needed help. I needed spiritual guidance and the ability to talk about this with my director. I needed to continue to put my spiritual broken pieces back together, but also to lead. I needed someone to process with, the movements of the Spirit and where I could potentially be called, and my spiritual director was helpful in that. Ruth experienced familial dysfunction as well as emotional and sexual abuse later in life. She found that processing those experiences in spiritual direction, and then discerning some of the spiritual movements she was going through with her spiritual director, a growing vocational call for her to minister to youth. She felt empowered to be there for youth because of the many times her spiritual director and caring others were now there for her. I do recognize that I am more compassionate, I am more aware, and that spiritual direction has made me a better person, but I did not want to go through some of the experiences I went through, but I am more for having gone through them. And the question of what that means, I am still working through it as a whole. I want to go back to my high school and create a center for faith and justice in the high school setting and ‘speak truth to power’ and that is what I want to do, ‘speak truth to power.’

217

John finds that spiritual direction helped him discern his vocation and that he wants to be “a man on a mission working for the church.” John knows because of his time in spiritual direction that “the vocation that was right for me because I discerned a growing sense of peace over his decision.” I always wanted to do something great and to know my mission, and I believe the work I did in spiritual direction helped to guide me. I always wanted to do something for the church. I always wanted to do something that would help Catholicism in general. I do not know what triggered me in that direction, but I felt in my heart that electronic media was the avenue to get the communication skills, to get that development, to get that leadership, and then go from there. Praying over that vocation brought me the most peace, the most excitement. Finally, Judith was able to discern her vocation in spiritual direction. She found the spirit calling her to a vocation working for Catholic public relations; a career she believes is life- giving. I work for a Catholic nonprofit. Our mission is to reengage disengaged Catholics. We want to help people, meet people where they are, and show them the beauty of Catholicism. So wherever they are in their spiritual journey, we have a way of connecting with them, whether it is through a book, through an event, or some other resource. It is really inspiring to me to be in this position because people call me all the time, or write me notes and e-mails to tell me that I am changing their lives because I am providing these books. It is inspiring to hear that. I love what I do. Flourishing/Striving Given some of the dysfunctional and/or abusive experiences these participants lived through, it is amazing to uncover how Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) has transformed participants and how it made a difference in their lives. Present in participants’ stories of their spiritual direction encounters is how, for them, ISD has brought about a desire to flourish in life Rebekah, for example, remarked of how her spiritual direction was great, and how “because of my spiritual journey, and meeting with my spiritual director so often, that this was the semester where I finally hit my stride.” She felt, because of her time spent in spiritual direction, that she “came to know myself very well and was aware of who I am in knowing my gifts, strengths, and limitations. But this year I really feel like I was set up to flourish.” Finally, her spiritual

218

direction helped her come to know that “God wants my happiness. God does not want me to be stressing, but it is more like I was created lovingly, and I was created to flourish. God is not saying like ‘good luck, and have a nice life.’” Paul also believed that his time spent in spiritual direction helped him want to flourish in life. Paul used the Ignatian term ‘Magis’ meaning “the more” as a way to describe how spiritual direction instilled in him the desire to strive and to flourish. And ‘Magis’ has been a big part of my life. I think the closest understanding of Magis for me is to let people do more great and wonderful things. It means to seek out God’s desire for me and then to live it out in a fuller way with and for others – to flourish and to not be happy with the status quo in preparing yourself to do more in the church. It is about quality not quantity. John spoke of the overall experience he had in spiritual direction as giving his life meaning, the chance to flourish, and the continued capacity to grow and to spiritually develop. Through spiritual direction I knew where I was, I had a better understanding of who I was spiritually, what I was seeking, and I was striving for some of the higher things and wanting to find my life have additional meaning, and for me to flourish. I am on this path, even though I am not fully there yet. I am always growing and developing spiritually, and so I am still at a crossroads. God said to me, “Do not settle. You got through this. You did it. I was there with you and I proved that I am alive in you. I revealed myself in all people and in these positive experiences for you especially when so much of your other life experiences pointed otherwise.” I just want to keep living my purpose. I want to just keep growing and flourishing and striving in my spiritual life as well as my other life and to keep growing and closer to God so I can know God and myself better and other people better more and more each day. And I am excited, but I am always wondering where God is taking me to next. I now know it is going to be keep living out my purpose in helping others to flourish, helping others to find their own purpose as they are sent to live their life – to their fullness and to keep doing God’s work and living in the spirit. In study participants, ISD instilled the spiritual skills to discern, for them, that from all of their life experiences how they mattered and that life had meaning. ISD increased their ability to

219

critically discern life choices, gave them the courage to lead spiritually, and increased their excitement in discerning the future vocational possibilities that, for them, was still in store.

220

CHAPTER VI: CONCLUSION: DISCUSSION, RESEARCH LIMITATIONS, IMPLICATIONS, AND FUTURE RESEARCH POSSIBILITIES

Participants in this study experienced abuse and/or dysfunction that led to developmental issues difficult for them to overcome. Their experiences instilled feelings of low self-worth, of not always fitting in, and an attitude of mistrust toward others and the world around them. Because of the participants formational experiences of abuse and/or dysfunction, developing friendships or involvement in romantic relationships made these connections equally unhealthy, abusive, or awkward. Finally, before Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) study participants felt hopeless, that life was filled with despair, and, in some cases that life was not worth living. ISD transformed these negative self-perceptions, awkward disconnect with others, and life defeating attitudes into a life filled with more positive possibilities. Students in this study who participated in Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) found that the experience was invariantly beneficial for them personally by developing healthier relationships with others, and for meaning making and future life decisions. ISD affected participants personally by bringing healing, personal transformations, a growing sense of their sacredness, growth in self-knowledge, growth in self-confidence, life connections and integration, spiritual resource adeptness, and an increased capacity to trust. Half of the participants mentioned ISD helped them personally to cope and to be more balanced and centered. ISD also helped all participants in their relationships with others, specifically, in seeing others as sacred, in seeing the sacredness in all things, and in being more virtuous. Finally, all participants mentioned that ISD helped them with making meaning in their lives and in helping them to discern future life directions. ISD bolstered their reflective discerning capacities, affirmed their gifts in being spiritual leaders, in contemplating possible vocations, and increased their desire to flourish and strive in life. Attending to college students’ spiritual, as well as their intellectual, social, emotional, and physical developmental needs offered a vital and valid dimension for these participants’ holistic development. Discussion In the literature review found in chapter two, I presented Emmons’ (1999) study on spiritual intelligence (SI). In his findings he posited that a person’s growth in SI is present in five key indicators. Emmons argued that a person’s growth toward SI will lead to his or her greater capacity to have a life that will flourish.

221

At a minimum, spiritually intelligent individuals are characterized by: 1. The capacity for transcendence 2. The ability to enter into spiritual states of consciousness 3. The ability to invest everyday activities, events, and relationships with the sense of the sacred or divine 4. The ability to utilize spiritual resources to solve problems in living 5. The capacity to engage in virtuous behavior or to be virtuous (to show forgiveness, to express gratitude, to be humble, to display compassion). (Emmons, 1999, p. 164) A spiritually intelligent being is a being able to transcend the physical and material realities of their life and embrace something greater than themselves. A spiritually intelligent individual will also exemplify a greater sense of self and connection with others through reflective practices that lead to heightened states of consciousness. Further, spiritually intelligent people are able to find God, and to find the spiritual, and the sacred woven into everyday experiences. Spiritually intelligent individuals are also able to better navigate spiritual resources in order to cope with life’s hardships, challenges, and complexities. Finally, spiritually intelligent people are people who are able to engage in virtuous behavior, such as, “compassion, forgiveness, humility, gratefulness, and wisdom” (p. 166) leading them to use this gifts as spiritual leaders. Emmons (1999) believed that if a person demonstrated possession of these key characteristics then he or she has developed into a spiritually intelligent being. Although Emmons wrote the foundational work on spirituality as a type of intelligence scholarship on spiritual intelligence is not confined solely to him. Excited by participants’ invariant essences as they were supported in Emmons’ (1999) theory, I wondered if other authors’ writing on the topic of spiritual intelligence (SI) might provide additional theoretical support for what the participants experienced as invariant phenomena. This excitement grew as I discovered three works from other scholars’ writing on SI that also presented a schema of indicators demonstrating spiritual development. These works on SI are from Danah Zohar (2005), David King and Teresa DeCicco (2009), and Cindy Wigglesworth (2005). Danah Zohar (2005) defines twelve principles that are indicators of highly developed spiritual intelligence. 1. Self-awareness: Knowing what I believe in and value, and what deeply motivates me 2. Spontaneity: Living in and being responsive to the moment

222

3. Being Vision- and Value-Led: Acting from principles and deep beliefs and living accordingly 4. Holism: Seeing larger patterns, relationships, and connections; having a sense of belonging 5. Compassion: Having the quality of “feeling-with” and deep empathy 6. Celebration of Diversity: Valuing other for their differences, not despite them 7. Field Independence: Standing against the crowd and having one’s own convictions 8. Humility: Having the sense of being a player in a larger drama, of one’s true place in the world 9. Tendency to Ask Fundamental “Why?” Questions: Needing to understand things and get to the bottom of them 10. Ability to Reframe: Standing back from a situation or problem and seeing the bigger picture; seeing problems in a wider context 11. Positive Use of Adversity: Learning and growing from mistakes, setbacks, and suffering 12. Sense of Vocation: Feeling called upon to serve, to give something back. (p. 47)

She defined spiritual intelligence as “the ability to access higher meanings, values, abiding purposes, and unconscious aspects of the self and to embed these meanings, values, and purposes in living a richer, more creative, life” (Zohar, 2005, p. 46). King and DeCicco (2009) defined spiritual intelligence as: A set of mental capacities which contribute to the awareness, integration, and adaptive application of the nonmaterial and transcendent aspects of one’s existences leading to such outcomes as deep existential reflection, enhancement of meaning, recognition of a transcendent self, and mastery of spiritual states. (p. 69) They developed a categorization of spiritual intelligences that revolves around four core components. These four components are: 1. Critical Existential Thinking (CET): The capacity to critically contemplate meaning, purpose and other existential or metaphysical issues (e.g., reality, the universe, space, time, death). CET also involves a person’s ability to critically reflect and discern one’s existence in terms of ultimate questions and an existential quest for understanding answers (King & DeCicco, 2009).

223

2. Personal Meaning Production (PMP): The ability to construct personal meaning and purpose in all physical and mental experiences, including the capacity to create and master a life purpose.

King and DeCicco (2009) contend that this is similar to “Emmons (2000a) capacity for sanctification as one particular method of personal meaning production (PMP)” (p. 70). Situated within the PMP is the ability to derive “purpose from daily events and experiences (i.e., situational meaning), one is also capable of defining a purpose for his/her life (i.e. global meaning), and utilizing more coherent and creative forms of meaning production” (p. 70). 3. Transcendental Awareness (TA): The capacity to perceive transcendent dimensions of the self (e.g., a transcendent self), of others, and the physical world (e.g., non- materialism, interconnectedness) during the normal, waking state of consciousness. (p. 70) The notion of awareness of self and of self in relation with others is a key component of TA. These components [of moving beyond self into the concerns of others and the world beyond a person’s] own limitations describe cognitive abilities of perception and awareness, the targets of which are often said to exist outside of ordinary consciousness . . . including non-materialism, holism, interconnectedness, and transcendent aspects of the self and others. (p. 71) 4. Conscious State Expansion (CSE): The ability to enter spiritual states of consciousness (e.g., pure consciousness, cosmic consciousness, oneness) at one’s own discretion. (p. 71) The ability to expand one’s conscious state occurs through the process of meditation, contemplation, reflection, and relaxation (King & DeCicco, 2009). Finally, Cindy Wigglesworth (2005) spoke of spiritual intelligence as “the ability to behave with wisdom and compassion, while maintaining inner and outer peace (equanimity) regardless of circumstances” (pp. 4-5). She developed a four-fold typology that consists of twenty-one spiritual quotient (SQ) or intelligence indicators. “The descriptors of the four quadrants for SQ reflect the vertical move to less ego and greater expansion of awareness” (p. 8). In each of Wigglesworth’s quadrants, the beginning skill listed is a less complex way of spiritually knowing than the last section in each area. The twenty-one skills that she identifies

224

are self-explanatory. She also states that the higher the skill number than the more it is spiritually complex as intelligence. Table 2

Wigglesworth’s Indicators of Spiritual Intelligence (p. 5) Higher Self / Ego Self-Awareness Universal Awareness 1. Awareness of own worldview 6. Awareness of interconnectedness of life 2. Awareness of life purpose (mission) 7. Awareness of worldviews of others 3. Awareness of values hierarchy 8. Breadth of time/space perception 4. Complexity of inner thought 9. Awareness of limitations/power 5. Awareness of ego self/higher self of human perception 10. Awareness of spiritual principles 11. Experience of transcendent oneness Higher Self/ Ego Self Mastery Social Mastery/Spiritual Presence 12. Commitment to spiritual growth 17. Wise and effective teacher 13. Keeping spirit self in charge of spiritual principles 14. Living your purpose and values 18. Wise and effective leader / change agent 15. Sustaining faith 19. Makes compassionate AND wise decisions 16. Seeking guidance from Spirit 20. A calming, healing presence 21. Being aligned with the ebb and flow of life

In the following matrix I employed the indicators of spiritual intelligence from Emmons (2000), Zohar (2005), King and DeCicco (2009), and Wigglesworth (2006) and then crossed them with the sixteen invariant essences participants identified as experienced from their ISD to further offer support that study participants did indeed find spiritual intelligence growth.

225

Table 3

Scholarly Support of Participants’ Invariant Essences Emmons Zohar King/DeCicco Wigglesworth 1. Healing 4 9, 11 1 5, 20 2. Personal Transformation 1 9, 10 4 12 3. Sacredness Toward Self 2, 3 1 2 1, 5 4. Growth in Self-Knowledge 2 1 2, 3 1, 3 5. Growth in Self-Confidence 2 1, 7 3 10, 14, 17 6. Connection/Integration 3 4 3 6 7. Spiritual Resources 4 4 10, 17 8. Trust 3, 4 3 12 – 16 - Coping* 4 11 13 - Balanced/Centered* 2 4 21 9. Transcendence 1 10 1, 3 11 10. Sacredness in Others 2, 3 6 3 7 11. Sacredness in the World 2, 3 8 3 6, 11, 18 12. Growth in the Virtuous Life 5 3, 5, 8 3 14, 19, 20 13. Discernment of Major Life Choices 4 7, 11, 12 1, 2 2 14. Spiritual Leadership 5 1-12 2 2, 17, 18 15. Discernment of Vocations 4 7, 12 1, 2 2 16. Flourishing/Striving 5 18 * Only half of the participants mentioned coping and being balanced/centered as significant. Since these then are not invariant I did not include them in the following discussion.

Healing Emmons (1999), Zohar (2005), King and DeCicco (2009) and Wigglesworth (2005) mentioned that healing was a key indicator that demonstrated spiritual intelligence growth. Emmons (1999) found that engaging in spiritual programing and using spiritual resources offers healing, for it helped people to deal with life’s problems. Healing, for Zohar (2005), was present in two key indicators: “the tendency to ask fundamental ‘Why?’ questions – a need to understand things and get to the bottom of things and, through the positive use of adversity – learning and growing from mistakes, setbacks, and suffering” (p. 47). King and DeCicco (2009) connected healing with the “existential quest for understanding answers” (p. 70). Finally, Wigglesworth’s (2005) key spiritual intelligence indicators for healing found support in the movement out of a person’s ego-self toward embracing his or her higher self. This higher self-awareness not only healed, but as a person was healed, it led to the development of a calming healing presence as well. Increased understanding of what happened to participants, their existential quest for

226

answers, the reality of their own suffering, and how that affected their ego, offered healing as they addressed these matters in spiritual direction. Personal Transformation Emmons’ (1999) notion of transcendence offered support for participants’ personal transformation. Through the spiritual direction process, old patterns of behaving and negative self-image were transcended and this brought transformations through the creation of healthier ways of being and relating. Spiritual direction transcended feelings of desolation and despair and transformed these attitudes toward feelings of consolation and hope. Zohar (2009) indicated that the need to understand things, as well as the ability for a person “to reframe, to stand back from a situation or problem and seeing the bigger picture” (p.47) defined participants’ personal transformations. In their ability to understand what happened to them, and to reframe those negative formational experiences and be healed of them this study’s participants experienced personal transformation. For participants, personal transformation found support as they remained committed to their spiritual growth (Wigglesworth, 2005). Participants’ spiritual life, through Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) allowed for participants’ personal transformation. Sacredness toward Self, Others, and in the World I have grouped these three key areas, for they are related to a growing awareness for participants in the sense of the sacred. Emmons (1999) believed that a felt sense of the sacred was a major component in spiritual intelligence growth. The awareness of the sacred for him developed out of a person’s capacity to enter into spiritual states of consciousness. The ability to be more spiritually aware created capacities to sense the sacred. Zohar (2005) found sacredness in self-awareness, or a personal ownership of having one’s own convictions, sacredness in the celebration of other diversity, and sacredness in being able to find one’s true place in the world. King and DeCicco (2009) saw the ability to sanctify things as “one particular means of personal meaning production” (p.70) and that viewing spiritually others and the world part of their transcendental awareness indicator. Wigglesworth’s work on spiritual intelligence (2005) found that seeing the self as sacred came through awareness: of self, of one’s own worldview, of life purpose, of values, and of one’s higher self. Others are sacred when we recognize and respect others’ worldviews. Finally, recognition of sacredness in the world related well with her indicators of a person’s being aware of the interconnectedness of all life and of a person’s experiences of the transcendent oneness in all things.

227

Growth in Self-Knowledge/Self-Confidence I have combined the invariant essences of self-knowledge and self-confidence here for both are concerned with selfhood. Emmons’ (1999) indicator of a person’s ability to enter into spiritual states of consciousness indicated a growth in self-knowledge as people began to see their sacredness. Self-knowledge as a spiritually intelligent being further reinforced growth in a person’s confidence, for as one comes to know who they are, he or she is becoming aware of his or her gifts and talents. It allowed one to see him or herself as “an intelligent, rational, and purposive human being” (p. 178). Zohar (2005) saw that a spiritually intelligent being was a being who “is self-aware, of knowing what I believe in and value, and what deeply motivates me” (p. 47). She determined that as one becomes more self-aware they have the confidence to become “field independent, standing against the crowd and having one’s own convictions” (p. 47). King and DeCicco’s (2009) indicator of personal meaning production (PMP) included growth in self-knowledge, as one was able “to critically reflect and discern one’s existence” (p. 70). Further, their indicator of transcendental awareness (TA) supported existential awareness and knowledge, as one was able to “perceive transcendent dimensions of the self” (p. 70). Self- confidence was revealed as an indicator for spiritual intelligence “in the capacity to create and master a life purpose” (p. 70). Finally, Wigglesworth (2005) found that spiritually intelligent beings possessed a great sense of self-knowledge and because of that the more they came to understand and be aware of their higher self. For her, self-knowledge was developed further in a person’s awareness of his or her own world-view and in what he or she values. She raised the issue of confidence as a spiritual intelligence in that as one was aware of the spiritual principles he or she valued, confidence was revealed in how one lived out those values, and finally, in how they became wise and effective leaders of change. Connection/Integration Emmons (1999) saw connection and integration as key indicators of spiritual intelligence growth when he examined the ways that people are able to connect “everyday activities, events, and relationships with the sense of the sacred or divine” (p. 164). Connection and integration found theoretical support in Zohar’s (2005) indicator of “holism, or the seeing of larger patterns, relationships, and connections; having a sense of belonging” (p. 47). King and DeCicco (2009) discussed that in their indicator of transcendental awareness (TA), how spiritually intelligent people were able to make interconnections between multiple dimensions of experience” (p. 71).

228

Finally, Wigglesworth’s (2005) indicator of a person’s awareness of the interconnectedness of life offered further support in spiritual intelligence growth for this study’s participants. Spiritual Resources Emmons (1999) held that spiritual intelligence growth was demonstrated whenever people utilized with comfort spiritual resources that then helped them navigate problems in life. This ability to utilize spiritual resources was also important in King and DeCicco’s (2009) conscious state expansion (CSE) indicator. They saw that spiritually intelligent people were able to expand their consciousness through the resources “of meditation, contemplation, reflection, and relaxation” (p.71). Finally, Wigglesworth (2005) claimed that the indicator of increased awareness of spiritual principles and being a wise and effective teacher of spiritual principles could not occur without some interaction with spiritual writings and resources. Trust A growing sense of trust as an indicator of spiritual intelligence (SI) was an implicit part of Emmons (1999) work. He understood that belief in one’s self, others, and the world as sacred involved radical trust. Also, people would not use and turn to spiritual resources in order to solve life’s problems if there was not a sense of already established trust in those resources. King and DeCicco (2009) claimed also trust as an important movement toward SI growth. In their indicator of transcendental awareness (TA) “the capacity to perceive transcendent dimensions of the self, (e. g., a transcendent self) of others and the world” (p. 71) involved trust. Trust also was an important aspect of Wigglesworth’s (2005) theory of spiritual intelligence especially in the indicators that involved mastery of one’s higher self. Trust, was a vital indicator for her in the ways spiritually intelligent beings remained committed to their spiritual growth, as they kept their spirit self in charge, as they lived out their purpose and values, as they trusted that faith would always sustain them, and as they sought guidance from the spirit. Transcendence The ability to demonstrate transcendence was an important indicator for spiritual intelligence growth found across all four spiritual intelligence theories. Emmons (1999) wrote of how spiritually intelligent people possessed “the capacity for transcendence” (p. 164). Zohar (2005) spoke of transcendence as an important indicator of spiritual intelligence growth when she discussed a person’s ability to reframe and step back to see the bigger picture. King and DeCicco (2009) dedicated an entire indicator, transcendental awareness (TA) to how spiritually

229

intelligent beings developed the capacity to transcend and grasp and comprehend spiritual experiences that “exist outside of ordinary consciousness” (p. 71). Finally, Wigglesworth (2005) examined transcendence as an indicator of spiritual intelligence when she examined people’s “experience of transcendent oneness” (p. 5). Growth in the Virtuous Life Virtue was an important indicator of a spiritually intelligent being for all theorists. Emmons (1999) claimed that movements of an increased capacity to show forgiveness, express gratitude, and be humble and compassionate is a characteristic of a spiritually intelligent being. Zohar (2005) discussed how spiritual intelligent beings displayed compassion and empathy, a sense of “feeling-with” others. She also mentioned virtues in terms of living out one’s values. Finally, she also believed humility was an important spiritual intelligence virtue characteristic. King and DeCicco (2009) in their discussion of transcendental awareness (TA) spoke of the movement out of self into being a self in relation with others. They spoke of how spiritually intelligent people move beyond self “into the concerns of others and the world” (p. 70) – a relationship based on virtuous action. Wigglesworth (2005) connected virtue with living one’s values, of making compassionate and wise decisions, and of being a calming, healing presence as indicating spiritual intelligence. Discernment of Major Life Choices/Vocations I have combined here the invariant essences of discernment of major life choices and discernment of vocations as they both are concerned with critically reflecting on making life have meaning and sense of direction. Discernment for Emmons (1999) is embodied within spiritually intelligent people as they are able to reflect on everyday activities, events, and relationships and find there a sense of the sacred. This discernment toward perceiving the sacred is included in the reflection on major life choices and of one’s vocation in so far as these are activities and events that people hold sacred. Zohar (2005) integrates discernment in how a spiritually intelligent person developed his or her values, in discerning how to be ‘field independent’, to stand up for his or her convictions, in learning to grow from adversity, and as it instilled a sense of vocation. King and DeCicco (2009) in their indicators of critical existential thinking (CET) and personal meaning production (PMP) spoke of discernment. Discernment in the CET indicator involved spiritually intelligent people’s capacity to critically contemplate meaning and to discern one’s existence in terms of ultimate questions. Discernment in PMP

230

was, for them, more of a vocational type of discernment, “the capacity to create and master a life purpose” (p.70). Wigglesworth (2005) indicated that spiritually intelligent people, through their discerning capacities both in major life choices and vocation, were “aware of and lived their values and life purpose (mission) and were able to make wise and compassionate” (p. 5) life decisions. Spiritual Leadership Spiritual leadership was another key indicator discussed in all four theories. Emmons (1999) understood that growth in the virtuous life was lived out in action with others. He claimed that virtues “are sources of human strength which enable people to function effectively in the world” (p. 167) and thus enhance leadership. Zohar (2005) connected spiritual intelligence with leadership. In fact, she directly connects all indicators as necessary components that a spiritually intelligent leader must possess (Zohar, 2005). King and DeCicco (2009) found spiritual leadership within their personal meaning production (PMP) indicator in that a person who is spiritually intelligent will have mastered a life purpose. Wigglesworth (2005) stated that spiritually intelligent beings would know their lives’ purpose, be effective leaders and change agents, and be wise and effective teachers of spiritual principles. Flourishing/Striving Even though every participant in this research believed that Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) helped them to flourish and strive only two theories directly claimed that spiritual intelligence aided in human flourishing or strivings. Emmons (1999) remarked that the aim of spiritual intelligence growth was to create an environment where people could strive and flourish. Wigglesworth (2005) concluded that through spiritual intelligence development “we are all striving to reach the same goals: peace and love” (p. 6). In summary the four works on spiritual intelligence cited had both similar and different indicators for what constitutes a spiritually intelligent being. The sixteen invariant essences claimed by participants in this study did not always match every indicator from each author. However, each of the sixteen invariant essences found connection in one or more of the theoretical frameworks defining spiritual intelligence (SI). This research has added additional understanding as to how spirituality is a type of intelligence. Further, the invariant essences presented here represent another list of key indicators that demonstrate spiritual engagement that can be added to scholarly discussion on this topic. Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) aided

231

participants’ spiritual development and as a result their spiritual intelligence grew and developed. ISD supported the spiritual development of all the participants toward SI despite their history of abuse and dysfunction. An Ongoing Progression of Spiritual Development

In addition to these four theories on spiritual intelligence indicators illustrated above, the literature review outlined in this work presented the spiritual development theories of James Fowler and Sharon Daloz Parks. These two spiritual development theories, (Daloz Parks building on Fowler’s Spiritual Development Theory), demonstrated that spirituality unfolds through stages. Yet, since their works are theoretical perspectives, they both caution that without evidence, this spiritual development might not occur in a linear or chronological fashion. Fowler (1981) believed that people progress in their spiritual development through six distinct stages. These theoretical stages he believes “can lead to release and transformation of crippling patterns of earlier development, making ongoing growth possible” (p. 289). If someone actively works on developing his or her spiritual intelligence throughout his or her life, Fowler believed, then he or she will experience, “a new foundation” (p. 291) and therefore a life transformed. Daloz Park (2000), in probing the spiritual development of young adults, spoke of spiritual development as well as a progressive process that occurs along stages – stages that she too does not profess as linear or chronological. She contends: There are three dimensions of the activity of imagination that are essential to understanding the formation of meaning and faith. First, imagination is a process. It is the power which we move from faith to faith. . . . [It] occurs by means of the transformative process of imagination. . . . Second, an act of imagination is an act of naming. By employing images, we name self and world and conceive the ideal, the worthy, and the good – as well as all that is toxic and destructive. . . . Third, by the power of the imagination humans participate in the ongoing creation of life itself, for better and for worse birthing new realities into being. (pp. 104-105) The practical and not solely theoretical reality of the results of this work is that it demonstrates that spiritual programming, such as, Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD), for participants was indeed experienced as an ongoing progression of spiritual development. Further, this spiritual development born of participants’ involvement in ISD did indeed release participants from ‘crippling patterns of earlier development’ to a ‘reimagining’ of faith, meaning,

232

ideals, worthiness, and goodness. Further, ISD gifted participants with the constant hope of ‘birthing new realities into being.’ Ultimately, ISD was a critical intervention for students in this study, for even though they experienced abuse and dysfunction in their lives, they demonstrated that ISD made a positive developmental difference for them and offered them the capacity to be well placed in their future to flourish. Research Limitations Although analysis of the data supported that Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) fostered growth in spiritual intelligence there were some limitations that this research did not address. The first limitation concerns the length of time in spiritual direction versus the duration and intensity of the abuse or dysfunctional formational experiences for participants. The participants ranged from moderately dysfunctional experiences to protracted and violent experiences of diverse abusive situation. For example, the effects of being in an abusive environment for nineteen years will not be healed or transformed overnight. Even if a participant mentioned how Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) brought healing, the study did not address necessarily how healed they were. A second limitation concerns the quality of spiritual direction participants received and this, too, was not factored in as a part of this study. Participants’ responses concerning the quality of spiritual direction ranged from a participant who had a lukewarm experience with one director and then a positive one with another director, to most of the participants stating they had a positive experience with their spiritual director. Most of the participants are still in a spiritual direction relationship, but those who are not expressed the desire to find a new Ignatian spiritual director and enter into that type of relationship again. A third limitation in this study relates to the dynamic of traditional/conservative versus liberal Catholics. The area of exploration asks to what extent which group was more open to the experience versus being susceptible or skeptical and resistant toward their experience of spiritual direction. Further, a question remains based on this dynamic as to what level then did spiritual growth take root. A cursory examination of this dynamic from the transcripts seems to reveal that conservative Catholics were more resistant to the spiritual direction process than liberal students engaged in this practice. I did not, however, focus on this dynamic for this research. Finally, the issue of not exploring, in a more probing fashion, participant motivation for entering into Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) is another limitation of this study. The concern

233

here centers on whether or not students entered into their spiritual direction for valid reasons of spiritual development and guidance or did they enter into spiritual direction as a means to escape their problems. At times people hide behind religion, become codependent on it, and may develop scrupulous behaviors instead of doing the deep spiritual work that is needed. Ignatian spirituality makes no judgment about a person’s motivations and relies on the spiritual director to ferret out those motivations during the spiritual direction process. I did not examine this issue since the focus of this research was on the effects of ISD on the life of college students and not on their intentions of engaging in that relationship. Implications and Future Research Possibilities Higher education increasingly finds finances constrained and because of this funding for departmental programs quite often are reduced, programs eliminated, or personnel are laid off. Miller (1999) argues that for higher education “doing better with less will be an overriding challenge” (p. 98). At Xavier University, where I recently worked, to Marquette University where I now serve as Associate Dean, budget cutbacks, program elimination, and employee dismissals have become yearly realities. As budget constraints force departments to evaluate program budgets and resources, the competition to defend programs as essential becomes an ever increasingly necessity. Newman, Couturier, and Scurry (2004), in speaking of higher educational finances, contend that “success in diversifying revenue sources will be, we believe, essential for institutional stability and capacity to serve the public in the tumultuous times ahead. The danger lies in revenue becoming the end rather than the means” (p. 16). Quite often, even at Jesuit universities, spiritual programming is viewed often as non- essential, and so retreat programs, faith-sharing groups, spiritual direction resources, and ministerial personnel are perceived, interestingly enough, as dispensable to the mission of the university’s overall mission. The ability to justify the spiritual development of college students becomes even more relevant as central to the mission and identity of these institutions. Continued evaluation and assessment of spiritual programs as beneficial is therefore needed. Evaluation and assessment must become a more integral part of those in charge of ministerial programs so that these programs may find continuation, support, and defense. Based on the results of this phenomenological study Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) did indeed facilitate increasingly complex spiritual intelligence development. Astin, Astin, and Lindholm (2011) concluded that attending to college students’ spiritual development mattered in

234

that it increased their engagement in making life have meaning, in finding balance, in being whole, and in their capacity to flourish. Universities, as best as they are able, already do well in developing opportunities for the intellectual, social, emotional, and physical development of college students. The spiritual development of students, however, is quite often neglected, or worse, not organizationally supported. Even when there is spiritual programming on college campuses, more often than not, these programs are cut and those responsible for running these programs are the first to be dismissed. This research revealed that ISD not only developed students’ spiritual intelligence growth, it also offered them a vital means to bring all aspects of their life: the intellectual, the physical, the emotional, the social, and the spiritual together. Spiritual programs such as ISD matter based on the results of this research, and matters in quite significant ways, for college students overall development. Universities cannot claim to develop the whole person if they neglect this very important spiritual dimension of student development. Therefore, those in charge of spirituality programming on college campuses must find innovative and effective means to promote, evaluate, and defend these spiritual programs. Further, faculty and staff must be made aware of the spiritual opportunities on campus so they can direct students to those resources as well as being made aware that those spiritual resources are available for their ongoing personal and professional development. Finally, immersion in Ignatian spirituality should be an ongoing professional development priority. The aim of this research was to evaluate one type of spiritual programming, Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD), at four Jesuit universities for its effectiveness in deepening understanding of how engagement in this type of relationship guided participants from abusive or dysfunctional formational experiences into spiritual growth. This research shows that attending to college students’ spirit is an important part of their holistic development. ISD helped participants in this study heal from the negative effects of their formational experiences, offered life transformations and promoted their growth as spiritually intelligent beings. Sadly, for some of the participants, they were unaware of their universities’ spiritual opportunities. They did not realize that ISD was even available for them or even what it meant to be in that type of relationship. Those in charge of the spiritual development of students, for example campus ministry departments, the Jesuits themselves, and those in charge of mission and ministry must collaborate with one another to market, promote, defend, and educate the

235

various different spiritual possibilities available to students. Faculty, administrators, and staff should also be made aware of the spiritual resources on their college campuses, so that, when they become aware of a student in spiritual crisis or in spiritual need, they may be better able to direct students where to find their spirit again. I found no scholarly works on the role of spiritual direction on the holistic development of college students as I conducted research for this study. The limitations of this study could be enhanced by further research regarding this topic. I believe that further scholarly research that examines some of the unchartered limitations present in this work will add nuance and depth to the understanding of how Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) is in fact a powerful experience for students’ overall spiritual development. Research, for example, that explores the conservative versus liberal Catholic dynamic may add nuance to spiritual intelligence development by focusing on issues of resistance or reception to the movement of the spirit. Research, built off of the findings presented here, but that also includes an in-depth examination of the length and intensity of abuse correlated with the effects of ISD might offer further understanding of spiritual development. Also, a similar study as the one presented here but that includes a narrative of spiritual directors’ training and qualifications coupled with the directees’ assessment of the spiritual direction they received might reveal why some participants’ spiritual intelligent growth was more deeply rooted than others. Evaluation of the effectiveness of other spiritual opportunities on college campuses may be another research possibility. A mixed methods study that includes the qualitative research presented here with already developed and quantifiable spiritual intelligence assessments may also increase understanding of, and support for, programs that help develop students’ spiritual intelligence. Finally, a longitudinal study, involving participants of this study as they remain engaged in ISD, would further understanding in that it might show a deepening progression of spiritual intelligence growth over time. Research of this type may also provide a justification for ISD’s capacity to make individuals spiritually intelligent beings the more the participants are removed from the negative effects of their formational experiences. Closing Thoughts From the foundation of the Society of Jesus over 500 years ago the spiritual leader of this order, Saint Ignatius of Loyola, through his own spirit quest was concerned with returning order to people’s lives. Infused with finally finding in his life God in all things he desired to give other

236

souls a sense of direction, to help them discern the best way to live, and to discern the best way to love self, others, and God. Saint Ignatius, in his Spiritual Exercises, poetically wrote the following prayer as an underlying sentiment of love that drives not only the exercises themselves but Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) as well. Take Lord and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and all my will – all that I have and possess. You Lord, have given all that to me. I now give it back to you, O Lord. All of it is yours. Dispose of it according to your will. Give me love of yourself along with your grace For that is enough for me. (Saint Ignatius of Loyola, 1541/1992, p. 95) I believe that at the heart of education and at the heart of peoples’ spirit quest is the perennial pursuit of finding a life of love and discovering life’s passions. The Ignatian Spiritual Direction (ISD) that the participants of this study entered into reacquainted them once again with love; love of self, a better way to love and be loved in relationships, an ability to be open to love in all things, and the desire to love in return. The final evaluation of how ISD affected participants of this research is that in the end it indeed helped them to flourish.

237

References

Abes, E. S. (2007). Applying queer theory in practice with college students: Transformation of a researcher's and participant's perspectives on identity, a case study. Joumal of LGBT Youth, 5(1), 57-77. Adams, T. B., Bezner, J. R., Drabbs, M. E., Zambarano, R. J., & Steinhardt, M. A. (2000, January). Conceptualization and measurement of the spiritual and psychological dimensions of wellness in a college population. Journal of American College Health, 48(4), 165-173. Allen, K. E., & Kellom, G. E. (2001). The role of spirituality in student affairs and student development. New Directions for Student Services, 95, 47-55. American College Personnel Association. (1937). The student personnel point of view. American Council on Education Studies, 1, pp. 1-10. Washington, D. C. Retrieved August 3, 2012, from http://www.myacpa.org/pub/documents/1937.pdf Astin, A. W., Astin, H. S., & Lindholm, J. A. (2011). Cultivating the spirit: How college can enhance students' inner lives. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass. Au, W. (1993). Holistic spirituality. In M. Downey (Ed.), New dictionary of Catholic spirituality (pp. 488-491). Collegeville, MN: Liturgical Press. Baker, M. (1985). My experience of a directed retreat. In D. L. Fleming, Notes on the spiritual exercises of Saint Ignatius of Loyola. (pp. 156-161). Saint Louis, MO: Review for Religious. Barr, R. B., & Tagg, J. (2000). From teaching to learning: A new paradigm for undergraduate education. In D. DeZure (Ed.), Learning from Change: Landmarks in teaching and learning in higher education from Change magazine 1969-2000 (pp. 198-200). Sterling, VA: Stylus. Barrette, G. (2004). Spiritual direction in the Roman Catholic tradition. In G. W. Moon, & D. G. Benner (Eds.), Spiritual direction and the care of souls (pp. 55-77). Downer Grove, IL: InterVarsity. Barry, K. (2001). Beyond counseling: Spiritual direction. Journal of Pastoral Counseling, 35-45. Barry, W. A. (2004). Spiritual direction and the encounter with God: A theological inquiry. New York, NY: Paulist Press.

238

Barry, W. A., & Connolly, W. J. (2009). The practice of spiritual direction. New York, NY: HarperOne. Barusch, A., Gringeri, C., & George, M. (2011, March). Rigor in qualitative social work research: A review of strategies used in published articles. Social Work Research, 35(1), 11-19. Baxter Magolda, M. B. (1999). Creating contexts for learning and self-authorship: Constructive- developmental pedagogy. Nashville, TN: Vanderbilt University Press. Baxter Magolda, M. B. (2001). Making their own way. Sterling, VA: Stylus. Baxter Magolda, M. B., & King, P. M. (Eds.). (2004). Learning partnerships: Theory and models of practice to educate for self-authorship. Sterling, VA: Stylus. Baxter Magolda, M. B., Abes, E., & Torres, V. (2009). Epistemological, intrapersonal, and interpersonal development in the college years and young adulthood. In M. C. Smith, & N. Defrates-Dench (Eds.), Handbook of research on adult learning and development (pp. 183-219). New York, NY: Routledge. Bellisb, A. O. (2000). Spirit. In D. N. Freedman, A. C. Myers, & A. B. Beck (Eds.), Dictionary of the Bible (p. 1248). Grand Rapids, MI: William B. Eerdmans. Benner, D. G. (2002). Sacred companions: The gift of spiritual friendship and direction. Downer's Grove, IL: InterVarsity. Bilodeau, B. L., & Renn, K. A. (2005). Analysis of LGBT identity development models and implications for practice. New Directions for Student Services, 2005(111), 25-39. doi:10.1002/ss.171 Brodsky, B. S., Oquendo, M., Ellis, S. P., Haas, G. L., Malone, K. M., & Mann, J. J. (2001). The relationship of childhood abuse to impulsivity and suicidal behavior in adults with majur depression. American Journal of Psychiatry, 158(11), 1871-1877. Buytendijk, F. J. (1987). The phenomenological approach to the problem of feelings. In J. J. Kockelmans (Ed.), Phenomenological Psychology (pp. 119-132). Boston, MA: Martinus Nijhoff. Byron, W. J. (1985, October 31). Ten building blocks of Catholic social teaching. America, 1-5. Casey, E. A., & Lindhorst, T. P. (2009). Toward a multi-level, ecological approach to the primary prevention of sexual assault: Prevention in peer and community contexts. Trauma, Violence, and Abuse, 10(2), 91-114. doi:10.1177/1524838009334129

239

Cheung, M. (1997). Social construction theory and the satir model: Toward a synthesis. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 25(4), 331-343. Constantine, M. G., Wilton, L., Gainor, K. A., & Lewis, E. L. (2002, September/October). Religious participation, spirituality, and coping among African American college students. Journal of College Student Development, 43(5), 605-613. Creswell, J. W. (2007). Qualitative inquiry and research design: Choosing among five approaches (2nd ed.). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage. Crisp, G., & Cruz, I. (2009). Mentoring college students: A critical review of the literature between 1990 and 2007. Research in Higher Education, 50, pp. 525-545. doi:10.1007/s11162-009-9130-2 Cross, Jr., W. E., Smith, L., & Payne, Y. (2002). Black Identity: A Repertoire of Daily Enactments. In P. B. Pedersen, J. G. Draguns, W. J. Lonner, & J. E. Trimble (Eds.), Counseling across cultures (5th ed., pp. 93-108). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage. Cross, K. P. (2000). The new learners: Changing perspectives on quality education. In D. Dezure (Ed.), Learning from Change: Landmarks in teaching and learning in higher education from Change magazine 1969-1999 (pp. 58-61). Sterling, VA: Stylus. Daloz Parks, S. (2000). Big questions, worthy dreams: Mentoring young adults in their search for meaning, purpose, and faith. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass. Dantley, M. E. (2003). Critical spirituality: Enhancing transformative leadership through critical theory and African American prophetic spirituality. International Journal of Leadership in Education, 6(1), 3-17. D'Augelli, A. R. (1991). Gay men in college: Identity processes and adaptations. Journal of College Student Development, 32(2), 140-146. Davis, T. L. (2002). Voices of gender role conflict: The social construction of college men's identity. Journal of College Student Development, 43(4), 508-521. de Vaus, D., & McAllister, I. (1987). Gender differences in religions. American Sociological Review, 52, 472-481. DeBlanco, A. (2012). College: What it Was, Is, and Should Be. Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press.

240

Downing, N. E., & Roush, K. L. (1985). From passive acceptance to active commitment: A model of feminist identity development for women. Counseling Psychologist, 13(4), 695- 709. Duncan, R. D. (2000). Childhood maltreatment and college drop-out rates: Implications for child abuse researchers. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 15(9), 987-995. Edwards, T. (1980). Spiritual friend: Reclaiming the gift of spiritual direction. New York, NY: Paulist Press. Egeland, B. (2009). Taking stock: Childhood emotional maltreatment and developmental psychopathology. Child Abuse and Neglect, 33, 22-26. doi:10.1016/j.chiabu.2008.12.004 Einfeld, A., & Collins, D. (2008, March/April). The relationship between service learning, social justice, multicultural competance, and civing engagement. Journal of College Student Development, 49(2), pp. 95-109. Emmons, R. A. (1999). The psychology of ultimate concerns: Motivation and spirituality in personality. New York, NY: THe Guilford Press. Emmons, R. A. (2000). Is spirituality an intelligence? Motivation, cognition, and the psychology of ultimate concern. The International Journal for the Psychology of Religion, 10(1). English, J. J. (1995). Spiritual freedom: From an experience of the Ignatian exercises to the art of spiritual guidance. Chicago, IL: Loyola Press. Fowler, J. W. (1981). Stages of faith: The psychology of human development and the quest for meaning. New York, NY: HarperOne. Ganje-Fling, M. A., & McCarthy, P. (1996, January/Febraury). Impact of childhood sexual abuse on client spiritual development: Counseling implications. Journal of Counseling and Development, 74, 253-258. Gilligan, C., & Attanucci, J. (1988). Two moral orientations: Gender differences and similarities. Merrill-Palmer Quarterly, 34(3), 223-237. Giorgi, A. (2009). The Descriptive Phenomenological Method in Psychology: A Modified Husserlian Approach. Pittsburgh, PA: DuQuesne University Press. Graham, S., Furr, S., Flowers, C., & Burke, M. T. (2001, October). Religion and spirituality in coping with stress. Counseling and Values, 46, 2-13. Hatch, J. A. (2002). Doing qualitative research in education settings. Albany, NY: State University of New York Press.

241

Hosseini, M., Elias, H., Krauss, S. E., & Aishah, S. (2010, December). A review study on spiritual intelligence, adolescence and spiritual intelligence, factors that may contribute to individual differences in spiritual intelligence, and the related theories. International Journal of Psychological Studies, 2(2), 179-188. Houdek, F. J. (1996). Guided by the spirit: A Jesuit perspective on spiritual direction. Chicago, IL: Loyola Press. Hutchings, P., & Shulman, L. S. (1999, September/October). The scholarship of teaching: New elaborations, new developments. Change, 31(5), pp. 10-16. Jordan, J. V. (1997). The relational self: A new perspective for understanding women's development. In J. V. Jordan (Ed.), Women's growth in diversity: More writings from The Stone Center (pp. 9-24). New York, NY: Guilford Press. Kegan, R. (1982). The evolving self: Problem and process in human development. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press. Kegan, R. (1994). In over our heads: The mental demands of modern life. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press. Kim, J. (2001). Asian American identity development theory. In C. L. Wijeyesinghe, & B. W. Jackson (Eds.), New perspectives on racial development: A theoretical and practical anthology (pp. 67-90). New York, NY: New York University Press. King, D. B., & DeCicco, T. L. (2009). A viable model and self-report measure of spiritual intelligence. International Journal of Transpersonal Studies, 28(1), 68-85. King, P. M., & Mayhew, M. J. (2002). Moral judgement development in higher education: Insights from the defining issues test. Journal of Moral Education, 31(3), 247-270. doi:10.1080/0305724022000008106 Kitano, M. K., & Lewis, R. B. (2005, Summer). Resilience and coping: Implications for gifted children and you at risk. Roeper Review, 27(4), 200-205. Kohlberg, L. (1984). The psychology of moral development: The nature and validity of moral stages. San Francisco, CA: Harper Row. Lansford, J. E., Miller-Johnson, S., Berlin, L. J., Dodge, K. A., Bates, J. E., & Pettit, G. S. (2007). Early physical abuse and later violent delinquency: A prospective longitudnal study. Child Maltreatment, 12(3), 233-245. doi:10.1177/1077559507301841

242

Liamputton, P. (2009). Qualitative Research Methods (Third ed.). South Melbourne, Victoria, Australia: Oxford University Press. Lichtman, M. (2010). Qualitative research in education: A user's guide (2nd ed.). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage. Lloyd-Jones, E., & Smith, M. R. (Eds.). (1954). Student personnel work as deeper teaching. New York, NY: Harper and Brothers. Loyola, I. (1541/1992). The spiritual exercises of Saint Ignatius. (G. E. Ganss, Trans.) Chicago, IL: Loyola University Press. Loyola, I. (1556/1995). A pilgrim's testament: The memoirs of Saint Ignatius of Loyola. (P. R. Divarkar, Trans.) Saint Louis, MO: The Institute of Jesuit Sources. Ma, S. Y. (2003). The Christian college experience and the development of spirituality among students. Christian Higher Education, 2, pp. 321-339. doi:10.1080/15363750390246097 Madden, K. W. (2001, Spring). From speechlessness to presence. Journal of Religion and Health, 40(1), 185-204. Maloney, O. (1987). Catholic social teaching: Ideal and reality. Studies: An Irish Quarterly Review, 76(303), 286-293. Manning, K., Kinzie, J., & Schuh, J. (2006). One size does not fit all: Traditional and innovative models of student affairs practice. New York, NY: Routledge. Miller, R. I. (1999). Major American Higher Education Issues and Challenges in the 21st Century. Philadephia, PA: Jessica Kingsley. Moon, G. W., & Benner, D. G. (Eds.). (2004). Spiritual direction and the care of souls: A guide to Christian approaches and practices. Downer's Grive, IL: InterVarsity. Moustakas, C. E. (1994). Phenomenological research methods. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage. Nash, R. J. (2001). Religious pluralism in the academy: Opening the dialogue. New York, NY: P. Lang. Newman, F., Couturier, L., & Scurry, J. (2004). The Future of Higher Education: Rhetoric, Reality, and the Risks of the Market. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass. Newman, J. H. (1846). An Essay on the Development of Christian Doctrine. London, UK: W. Blanchard and Sons.

243

O'Dougherty Wright, M., Crawford, E., & Del Castillo, D. (2009). childhood emotional maltreatment and later psychological distress among college students: The mediating role of maladaptive schemas. Child Abuse and Neglect, 33, 59-68. Osiek, C. (1985). The first week of the spiritual exercises and the conversion of Saint Paul. In D. L. Fleming, Notes on the spiritual exercises of Saint Ignatius of Loyola (pp. 86-94). Saint Louis, MO: Review for Religious. Palmer, P. J., Zajonc, A., & Scribner, M. (2010). The heart of higher education: A call to renewal -- transforming the academy through collegial conversations. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass. Patton, M. Q. (2002). Qualitative research and evaluation methods. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage. Perry, W. G. (1981). Cognitive and ethical growth. In A. Chickering (Ed.), The modern American college. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass. Piaget, J. (1954). The social construction of reality in the child. (M. Cook, Trans.) New York, NY: Basic Books. Pizzolato, J. E. (2004, July / August). Coping with conflict: Self-authorship, coping, and adaptation to college in first year, high-risk students. Journal of College Student Development, 45(4), 425-442. Polkinghorne, D. (1989). Phenomenological research methods. In R. Valle, & S. Halling (Eds.), Existential-phenomenological perspectives in psychology: Exploring the breadth of human experience (pp. 41-60). New York, NY: Plenum. Rogers, J. L., & Dantley, M. E. (2001, November/December). Invoking the spiritual in campus life and leadership. Journal of College Student Development, 42(6), 589-603. Schneiders, S. M. (2005). Approaches to the study of Christian spirituality. In A. Holder (Ed.), The blackwell companion to Christian spirituality (pp. 10-32). Boston, MA: Blackwell. Shulman, L. S. (1999, July/August). Taking learning seriously. Change, 31(4), pp. 10-18. Silverman, A. B., Reinherz, H. Z., & Giaconia, R. M. (1996). The long-term sequelae of childhood and adolescent abuse: A longitudnal community study. Child Abuse and Neglect, 20(8), 709-723. Smith, H. F. (1985). Discernment of spirits. In D. L. Fleming (Ed.), Notes on the spiritual exercises of Saint Ignatius of Loyola (pp. 226-248). Saint Louis, MO: Review for Religious.

244

Smith, J. A., Flowers, P., & Larkin, M. (2009). Interpretive Phenomenological Analysis: Theory, Method and Research. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage. Sperry, L. (2003). Integrating spiritual direction functions in the practice of psychotherapy. Journal of Psychology and Therapy, 31(1), 3-13. Stewart, D. L. (2002, July/August). The role of faith in the development of an integrated identity: A qualitative study of Black students at a White college. Journal of College Student Development, 43(4), 579-596. Strange, C. (1994, November). Student development: The evolution and status of an essential idea. Journal of College Student Development, 35(6), pp. 399-412. Torres, V. (2004, July/August). Familial influences on the identity development of Latino first- year students. Journal of College Student Development, 45(4), 457-469. Traub, G. (2008). An Ignatian spirituality reader. Chicago, IL: Loyola Press. Trickett, P. K., & McBride-Chang, C. (1995). The developmental impact of different forms of childhood abuse and neglect. Developmental Review, 15, 311-337. Tufford, L., & Newman, P. (2012). Bracketing in college research. Qualitative Social Work, 11, 80-95. doi:10.1177/1473325010368316 United States Department of Health and Human Services. (2010). Childhood Maltreatment: 2009. Administration on Children, Youth, and Families. Washington, D. C.: U. S. Government Printing Office. Van Manen, M. (1990). Researching lived experience: Human science for an action sensitive pedagogy. Albany, NY: State Univerisity of New York Press. Vaughn, F. (2002, April 1). What is spiritual intelligence? Journal of Human Psychology, 42(16), pp. 16-33. doi:10.1177/0022167802422003 Vest, N. (Ed.). (2003). Tending the holy: Spiritual direction across traditions. Harrisburg, PA: Morehouse. Walters, J. L. (2001). Student religious organizations and the public university. In V. W. Miller, & M. M. Ryan (Eds.), Transforming campus life: Reflections on spirituality and religious pluralism (pp. 33-55). New York, NY: Peter Lang. Weber, L. J., & Cummings, A. L. (2003). Relationships among spirituality, social support, and childhood maltreatment in university students. Counseling and Values, 47(2), 82-96.

245

Wertz, F. J., Charmaz, K., McMullen, L. M., Josselson, R., Anderson, R., & McSpadden, E. (2011). Five Ways of Doing Qualitative Analysis: Phenomenological Psychology, Grounded Theory, Discourse Analysis, Narrative Research, and Intuitive Inquiry. New York, NY: Guilford Press. Wigglesworth, C. (2006). Why spiritual intelligence is essential to mature leadership. Houston, TX: Conscious Pursuits. Wolman, R. N. (2001). Thinking with your soul: Spiritual intelligence and why it matters. New York, NY: Harmony Books. Zohar, D. (Fall 2005). Spiritually intelligent leadership. Leader to Leader, 45-51.

246