2 Sample UP Magazine CAMPING: Where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person Web Sample Welcome Our Mission As we understand it, is use the to our print on paper media, to produce a low budget spectacular issue, that special hides from bad news. We attempt to inform you, the reader, while website hopefully making you feel tickled pink you read this publication before you sample pass it on to someone. issue Editorial Stuff For Capt. Mike Van Den Branden many reasons the list of dues paying memberships include: the Michigan Press Association, VFW e must assume if you are looking at this (Life Member), United andW reading what I am writing here, that you States Submarine Veterans (Life Member), most likely are new to our publication and other American Legion, and things we do. With that in mind, we wanted Escanaba Yacht Club. to build a special issue that showed all of the We do accept stuff from different writers we have and the range of people who think they are writers and even content that we cover. So this issue is made up use some of it. No hand of stories and columns from the last few issues written stuff please - email we printed. items to: The photos you see to the right here are of [email protected]. those that we featured in our last Porcupine This show featured Red Wings legend and 4 time Advertising We have Press / UP Magazine “Saluting Our Military” Stanley Cup champion Darren McCarty. Darren took always been out there for BASH event, held in Lake Linden, Michigan. the little guys. Because off the gloves and shared a night of stories, jokes, of that, Big outfits think We do a few of these events each year, for the new memories, and an after the show there was a we are not worth much last ten years and getting good at it. full meet ‘n greet and time for selfies. This show was because our ad prices If you read through all that is in this sample real as they come and full of punchlines! are too cheap. Find out issue, you will get a real feel for our writers for yourself by calling my Lady Robin our and the style of humor or good news, each KEVIN B Opportunity Specialist on presents. DUSTIN her cell phone: In each issue we try to entertain and inform KLEIN COLE (906) 361-0269 the readers with content they most likely will Postmaster UP not find anywhere else. We try to mix it up, but Magazine (USPS 024- always with the idea, that we want our readers 117) (ISSN 1935-1615) to find items that interest them and maybe even is published 12 times a year by Porcupine Press learn something, while being entertained. Inc. Periodical postage If you like what you see, then please paid at Chatham, MI and consider to subscribe. The backbone and additional mailing offices. power of any magazine, is based of the Please send address changes to PO Box 200, numbers in the subscription department. ∆ Chatham, MI 49816-0200.

Notice: U.S. © Copyright 2019 by Porcupine Press Inc., P.O. Box 200 Chatham, MI 49816 Web Sample 3 Toivo Maki Eino Maki

Maybe it’s Time to Face the Music as reported by Capt. Mike VDB

he guys have spent a few months drinking up the courage to Things like this could be one of the reasons that they seems to takeT on the wrath of their wives after their surprise Christmas Gifts. not be fully appreciated, most of the time. They both wanted a vacation trip, the kind that instills memories for They were down to their last two cans of beer and they clicked a life time, and the guys, in their own way, gave it to them. Okay, so their cans together and toasted their return to face the music. No they went north instead of south, ice fishing rather than just laying time to waste now, they needed to come up with the greatest plan on a beach, and learning winter survival skills rather than dinning to soften their ladies and make them grateful they returned. in fancy restaurants. They believed they had toughened their wives They knew this return was beyond just some flowers and boxes up to be able to handle anything a U.P. Winter could dish out. They of candy. Besides that did not work for them the last time they were still think, in the long run, that the wives should thank them for the in trouble and that time was nothing like this time. special “Navy Seal” type training they received, given in love. Eino came up with an idea, “What if we give them all the On the other hand, they expected that their women just might returnable beer cars we have stored up here in the bus and let not see it as clearly as they do. It has taken all the beer the guys them keep the money.” had stored up, for them to come to the point of needing to return to Toivo shot that idea right out of the saddle, “are you kidding, we the real world and take measure of the resistance they would have have a fortune here at ten cents apiece and we need that toward to deal with. Also, Spring had arrived and they needed to prepare buying that portable sauna we have been talking about.” for the new season. A nice hot shower would be nice, maybe even Eino came back with another idea, “What if we give all the fish a home cooked meal and get their grubby clothes washed, just a we caught this winter we still have wrapped up and stashed in the loving thing to do. snowbanks here, the snow is melting fast and we have no place to They are also excited of getting their main camp ready for the put them anyway.” summer as well. Being away from it for awhile, has given them Toivo had to think about that for a few minutes, Eino was making some thoughts about maybe doing a little remodeling before the a good point about the fish needing to find a better home, “Well, opening of fishing season. With all the windows in their old school I’m glad you reminded me about those fish, I almost forgot about bus camp, they have enjoyed the sun shinning in on the few sunny them. For some reason, I’m sure they would think there was days there were. Toivo mentioned that maybe they should see if something really fishy about us willing to give up such a treasure they could get their wives out to the camp and to tidy up the place of such value. I hate to think about parting with our prize stock pile, a bit, like a spring cleaning. Maybe even wash the windows that however, they won’t last long since the weather is warming up. We have never been done, inside and outside even. Eino mentioned better dig them up and head around to our friends and sell them maybe with getting their old generator running the women would before they go bad.” bring out thier tank type vacuum cleaners they gave them for “Then take the money and buy the wives something nice as a Christmas a few years back. They were on sale, two for the price peace offering,?” Eino was smiling as he said that. of one, from a store that was going out of business. They seemed Toivo snapped back, “You don’t want to start something like that to like those better than the presents the year before. The pairs and get them expecting things. Let’s just try something really new of red flannel one piece underwear with the flap in the back never I heard another guy did, he told his wife he was sorry and that he came out of the box. Looking back, they both admitted that their gift knows now, he was wrong and hopes he will never do something giving ideas were not really thought out too well. like that again, it’s the unexpected and he is still alive today.” ∆ 4 Web Sample I love talking about nothing. It is the only thing I know anything about. - Oscar Wilde Tami Operation: & Evi’s She Shed

As told to Terri Martin of L’Anse, MI

“Do you think the curtains are too much?” up with a plan so diabolical, so devious, that Satan hisself would Evi asked her thrice-removed cousin, Tami. have been in awe. “Absolutely not,” said Tami. They bring the whole room together. That is how they found themselves at Camp Maki—a destination My, but we’ve certainly made this ol’cabin a lovely little retreat, that they had rarely sought. In fact, prior to recent times, Tami and haven’t we?’ Evi had only been there once, shortly after they had married the Evi nodded. The two women were sitting around a cozy wood two louts, as a kind of test of the new wives’ pioneer spirit. The stove, but not in their usual place in Tami’s parlor. They had the outing had not gone well and the women had demanded their quintessential box of wine perched within reach along with a nice immediate return to civilization where they felt a need to take plate of assorted spritz cookies that Tami had supplied for the long, scalding showers and burn their clothing. Normally, the gals outing to what once had been Toivo and Eino’s camp. Except it adopted a live and let live attitude toward Camp Maki and, while was no longer Toivo and Eino’s camp, though the boys were not they were careful not to show any encouragement, were secretly yet aware of this as they were on a week-long Elk hunting trip in pleased when the boys felt the need to “return to nature.” With the lower Michigan—apparently, the chance of a lifetime, or so they two reprobates out from under foot, there was less to clean up and told their wives. The story was that they had won the lottery draw the toilet seat stayed down. hunting vouchers in a poker game. Whatever. However, proper toilet seat placement notwithstanding, Tami This allowed ample time for Tami and Evi to implement their and Evi were always a little miffed that their menfolk preferred each rather bold undertaking, which was planned during the wee other’s company to that of their wives and the squalor of Camp hours of a frigid morning when they were ensconced within the Maki to the comfort and cleanliness of their homes. This helped claustrophobic confines of a snow shelter. In between fighting off spawn an epiphany of sorts that would surely land a gut shot to the frostbite and the abject terror of being ravaged by a slathering Maki men. pack of rogue coyotes, Tami and Evi utilized the slowly passing Operation: She Shed. Mission: to clean, purge, and destroy. time to plot a hideous revenge against their spouses. The boys While exhausting, Tami and Evi found the undertaking cathartic had pulled a very nasty prank on the women by tricking them into and rewarding. It had all begun with an initial inspection, then they thinking they were going on a luxury resort vacation, when such a forged ahead as if in battle and taking no prisoners. notion was pure fantasy. Instead, Tami and Evi, along with tropical Tami had said: “Once we get the three inches of that disgusting resort clothes and sunscreen, were flown into the bush for a winter crud off the floor—it’s like walking on Crisco—we can get some survivalist weekend where their lives depended on two guides who bright rugs to scatter around. I suggest a lot of pastel to tie in with clearly were the result of some genetic mishap. the other soft goods.” Tami and Evi had decided, during their wintry machinations, The soft goods that Tami had referred to included the previously that the standard forms of retribution that women normally inflicted mentioned curtains, which sported a soft pastel floral pattern and upon men—such as the silent treatment (as if the boys would tiers of fluttery ruffles. These were arranged over the four windows notice) or refusing to cook (they would get a sack of burgers) or of the cabin, plus the tiny window in the door. Tami and Evi had filing for divorce (meh)—simply would not do. Instead, they came brought along several buckets of cleaning products and, layer by >

I asked my wife what she was “burning up for dinner” it turned out to be all of my personal belongings. Web Sample 5 layer, removed the grime from the windows to better enhance the new curtains and allow actual sunlight to penetrate the cabin. The two women had also pulled the mattresses off the bunk beds, dragged them outside and burned them along with the disreputable sleeping bags that had mysterious lumps that, Evi swore to God, moved. These items were replaced with inflatable vinyl mattresses, which could be easily sanitized. Each mattress was made up with sateen sheets, fluffy blankets, and a comforter with the same busy- bloom pattern as the curtains. The bed ensemble makeover was finished off with matching pillow shams and an assortment of complimentary decorator pillows. But that was just the beginning. “Well, the curtains do help,” Evi had proclaimed when she had finished shirring the valances. “But that horrible couch and nasty recliner! I mean, what do you think that stain is? Is it what it looks like?” the truck, and unhooked the furniture then propped the plywood “I have no idea,” Tami said, “but burning would be too good for next to the couch and hastily painted “FREE” on the board. them.” By the time the women had retracted the winch, both items had “And what—they don’t even have a table and chairs? Just this been snatched up and installed into ice shanties. old door sitting on some sawhorses and broken lawn chairs. Didn’t “People will take anything if it’s free,” Tami remarked. “How do they have a table and chairs once?” you think the boys got that crap to begin with?” “I believe so,” Tami said. “As I recall, they took it out on the lake With 40 years of grime and crud scraped from every square inch when they were ice fishing and it fell through along with the ice of the cabin and the removal of Toivo and Eino’s revolting furniture, shanty and all of their gear.” the next step had been to deal with decades of accumulated man Evi nodded thoughtfully. “Was that the time that someone driving stuff. This included, but was not limited to, broken fishing and by saw the two dummies clinging to an ice floe and called Search hunting equipment, rusty traps, a smattering of dishes, pots and and Rescue?” pans, knives—blades bent or broken—girlie magazines dating “Yes,” said Tami. “Well, at least they got a bath in the process,” back to Marilyn Monroe, crumbling posters, outdated calendars, she said, chuckling. “But anyway, that’s what happened to the table discarded clothing, empty beer cans, food debris, rodent and chairs. Too bad we can’t send this horrid couch and recliner carcasses, defunct fuel canisters, shredded newspaper replete out on thin ice.” with animal droppings, and a Tupperware bowl with what had once “I think it’s against the law—you know, polluting the lake and all,” held some kind of food product, now reduced to a revolting mass of Evi said. mold and slime. The gas refrigerator contained mostly beer, which “Well. . .” Tami said. was removed by the women along with several bottles of pasty Evi knew that tone. It meant that Tami was concocting an idea. sauce and some kind of dried up meat. There was no stove (yet), “I have an idea,” Tami said, verifying Evi’s prediction. “How much and the grease-laden grill, which apparently had been used indoors ice do you reckon is out there? Enough to hold the truck?” as well as out, joined the pile of refuse loaded in the back of Big “I guess,” said Evi. “There’s a few trucks out there along with Buck and destined for the dump. ORVs, snowmobiles, and whatnot. I think the ice is like a foot Upon completion of the purging exercise, Tami and Evi began thick.” the restocking and refurnishing of Camp She Shed. They hit the Tami and Evi had made the trip to Camp Maki in Toivo’s jackpot at a trip to the re-habitat store where a load of decent items rattletrap truck whose massive, nubby tires and souped-up had just been dropped off after someone’s granny had passed on transmission would take it through snow, mud, and tag alder like it to her reward. A fussy brocade settee and matching wing chairs, was nothing. Toivo was none the wiser that his wife had his “baby,” which apparently had only been used on Sunday, were purchased which he had named Big Buck, out at the camp. He and Eino had along with a dainty Queen Ann dinette set and matching cabinet. felt it a good idea to be scarce for a while and had taken Eino’s They also bargained for a lovely coffee table, which would be truck (which was at least 3 months newer) downstate for their perfect for refreshments. Tami figured she could whip out some stupid Elk hunt. This “cooling off” period, as Toivo had called it had doilies for placement on the chairs and tabletops, using the pastel presented a perfect opportunity for the gals to execute Operation: colors that adorned a good deal of the cabin. It was Evi who She Shed. spotted a serviceable two-burner gas stove, which could be hooked Toivo’s commandeered truck was a combo Chevy/Ford/Dodge, into the gas line for the fridge. depending on what parts could be found in the local junkyard. The girls replaced the boy’s beverages and mystery foods He had fashioned a snorkel, which protruded from the engine previously removed from the fridge with several boxes of wine, compartment, for boondocking, and the front bumper was a large, some flavored carbonated drinks, healthy snacks, and pastry skinned tree trunk lashed on with rope. The windows were gone sweets that could be kept in the freezer for future consumption. and the heater and most other non-essential items didn’t work, Tami and Evi had visited the local thrift store and obtained decent but there was a dandy winch in the truck bed, which worked like dishes, pots and pans, and cutlery. Since there was no electricity— a dream. It was with this device that Tami and Evi had been able yet—there was no point in getting a toaster or blender. Tami did to pull the seedy furniture out of the cabin (though the couch was find a stove-top percolator, which she bleached within an inch of its tricky and had to be maneuvered). life. “Now what?” Evi had asked her cousin. When Tami and Evi had ventured out to inspect the privy, “Now we head for the lake,” said Tami. they determined its salvation to be challenging. However, after “But. . .” Evi said, then decided to just let Tami do whatever it three coats of Pepto Bismo pink paint (inside and out), a tasteful was she was planning, which seemed to be to tow the crappy installation of a dried-flower wreath and other wall hangings, furniture out onto the ice. She hoped that there weren’t any mounting of a mouse-resistant toilet tissue holder, battery-operated Conservation Officers lurking about. Before departing, Tami had air freshener, replacement of the existing toilet seat (a stainless- instructed Evi to grab a piece of plywood from behind the outhouse steel model that Eino got at a prison auction and was as cold as along with a nearly dried up can of paint and petrified paintbrush. the surface of Pluto) with a nice cushioned model, and lastly a Big Buck crept out on the ice while fishermen gawked at the generous application of lime down the hole, the cozy little shack strange sight. The couch slid smoothly along with the recliner, seemed almost appealing. now open, fishtailing along behind. Big Buck’s brakes complained Tami and Evi had pulled off the Camp She Shed transformation noisily as Tami ground to a halt at the ice shanty town. She exited in four days, leaving three days to enjoy the fruits of their labors > 6 Web Sample Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power. before the fellas came home. While the men were never The prone to violence, they were prone to benders. That’s what Backup Tami suspected they would do. Teacher “Do you think Jolly McMaki the guys will do Yooperville, MI something to destroy our She Shed?” Evi asked. “Oh, I doubt it,” She can instill knowledge, even Tami said. “That if she has to beat it, into their would require actual little empty noggins physical exertion, which of course they eschew.” Today teacher Jolly McMaki got stuck with the Evi was not sure know-it-all super brainy class and decided to just what eschew meant. see how smart they really are. You might want to Tami was putting see how smart you might be as well. This test will on airs again. It not be graded or reported to the government. sounded like eating something or maybe 1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. sneezing, which What was the third child’s name? didn’t make sense. She’d be damned, 2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What though, to show her does he weigh? ignorance. “I suspect when 3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world? Toivo and Eino see the camp makeover, 4. How much dirt is there in a hole... that measures two feet by three feet by four feet? they’ll be repulsed by its good taste and 5. What word in the English Language... is always spelled incorrectly? cleanliness,” Tami said, “so I expect 6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible? that they’ll turn tail and never set foot in 7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not? the place again.” “What do you think 8. What was the President’s Name...in 1975? they’ll do for a deer camp then?” Evi 9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now? asked. “Oh, I’m not 10. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”? sure; they’ll figure something out,” Tami 11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he said. have if he combined them all in another field? “I suppose,” Evi said.

“One thing I am Here are the Answers: (No peeking!)

sure of though,” Tami he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

said. 11. How many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field? Answer: One. If

“Hmmm?” Evi Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

said, reaching for 10. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”? Answer: her sixth spritz second place, not first.

cookie. They went

remarkably well 9. What place would you be in now? Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in

with the semi- on ...]

sweet merlot they 8. What was the President’s Name in 1975? Answer: Same as is it now - Donald Trump [Oh, come

ladies had been pictures. consuming. 7. Why not? Answer: You can’t take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take

“Those two

buttcheeks won’t be 6. How is this possible? Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.

Answer: Incorrectly

sending us anyplace 5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

cold ever EVER 4. How much dirt is there in a hole? Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

again!” [You’re not very good at this are you?] “You got that 3. What was the highest mountain in the world? Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn’t discovered yet.

right, sistah!” Evi

shouted, clinking her 2. What does he weigh? Answer: Meat. wine goblet against 1. What was the third child’s name? Answer: Johnny, of course. Tami’s. ∆ It was so cold, we had to chop up the piano for firewood, but we only got two chords. Web Special 7 Don’t Photo - Pinterest / FUNsubstance.com Tell Anybody I Told You But. . . Rix Quinn Fort Worth, TX

Body Odor - Body odor comes in all shapes and sizes, from all directions. The first culprit can be bad breath. Some experts recommend tooth brushing twice a day, and flossing. Some also recommend using a tongue scraper, but never in the middle of a party, especially if one is serving finger food. To check your own breath, lick the back of your freshly washed hand, wait for the saliva to evaporate, then smell it. Never lick a dirty hand, or one that has just handled garbage. Long ago, ancient people experimented with several underarm in the newspaper, or on radio. But back Anyway, the bowler who did this deodorants, including cinnamon and then, some of that news was several won a new hat, and achieved a “hat citrus. Then cannibals moved close by, hours old. trick.” The term was later applied to ice and found the smell so irresistible they But not now. Look how the press hockey, originated the expression, “Let’s have covers some events today. A celebrity Also, a jockey who wins three races the neighbors over for dinner.” newlywed is spotted somewhere. in a row completes a “hat trick.” A In modern days, dedicated scientists Suddenly, you’ve got a correspondent racehorse could do the same thing, but tested underarm sweat. They discovered on the spot, he’s got a cameraman with how many stallions look good in a hat? fresh sweat was odorless, but if stored him, and they’re attached to satellite. Headgear appears often in our several hours it became offensive. You’ve got people forecasting a divorce language. To come “hat in hand” means Finally, I leave you with the classic before the ink on the marriage license to beg. A politician begins a campaign words of my old uncle, who said, “If your dries. by “throwing his hat into the ring.” nose runs, and your feet smell, you’re And you know what’s really weird? If An “old hat” refers to an experienced built upside down.” you watch TV late at night, you can call worker. “Pass the hat” means to take up this phone number, and a psychic will a collection. To “high hat” somebody is Time - I got a letter from an older attempt to tell you the news before it to snub them. friend reminding me that “time passes happens. “Tipping the hat” shows respect. by so quickly.” The fact that his letter is It dates back to ancient times, when handwritten on parchment also indicates Hat Trick - The other day somebody captured enemies stripped nude to he may be a little behind the times, too. asked me the meaning of the sports show submissiveness and courtesy. There’s a theory that the longer you term “hat trick.” It made me remember As generations passed – and nudity live, the shorter each day seems. That’s the time the class bully took my winter became impractical – civilized humans because – compared to, say, a ten-year- cap, and filled it with cement. I put it on merely removed their hats instead of old – a single day accounts for a much sideways, and broke my nose with the their threads. smaller percentage of your life. ear flap. Good thing, too. Because it’s real Also, communication now makes our But seriously, the question was so tough to look a naked person in the eye. world seem much smaller. My friend and good I couldn’t make up a lie to answer I can attend separate football games in it. So, I’ve resorted to mostly truth. INTRODUCE YOUR new product to different states, then call each other to “Hat trick” is an English cricket customers with a short, radio-style Minute report on each contest. This is called term that means the bowler (sorta like Introduction©. For more ideas on this – and an e-mailed special report – “grid lock.” a baseball pitcher) takes three wickets call 817-920-7999, And, now there’s “instant news.” Fifty with three straight pitches. Don’t ask me or e-mail [email protected]. years ago, you got most of this coverage what a wicket is.

8 Sample Issue I know why some cowboys ride tall in the saddle -- blisters B A U N C D K E S R H S O O T N

St. Germain Wisconsin Weird, wacky and Wonderful 13

There are 99 lakes with family names, which most often My choice of a title for this, took a considerable amount of are names of actual lumberjacks or more frequently a “lumber time, as I pondered a variety of choices prior to making a final baron,” such as Adams, Anderson, Averill, Baker, Battine, decision. Personally, I’ve been labeled as weird and wacky Benedict, and all the way to Wyandock. more than a few times and I seem to recall years ago Wifee One of my favorite lake names is “Stub Walsh.” I’ve often Poo once called me wonderful. But then again – maybe I’m wondered who he was. Stub Walsh Lake is the smallest mistaken about the “wonderful” comment. one listed for Vilas County at a miniscule two acres. Was Likewise the sport of fishing frequently exposes those who Stub Walsh a guy who chopped one leg off? Or possible partake in the sport with situations and events that can easily a very short lumberjack? Or maybe some poor guy whose be labeled as weird, wacky or wonderful. All of which are “manhood never fully developed?” If anyone out there has the most certainly memorable! And so – I scanned and answer, let me know! re-scanned my daily records for classic examples of weird, There is also a short list of lakes with really weird names. wacky and wonderful stuff and then sifted and re-sifted my Boot Lake, probably some ‘jack lost his boot? selections to arrive at the following selections. Brandy Lake, probably some ‘jack’s favorite booze? Hell’s Kitchen Lake isn’t very far from Devil’s Lake. Scat Lake probably contains very dirty water? There are two Witches Lakes – East and West, connected What’s in a Name? North Central Wisconsin is reputed by a very short channel. Folks without a compass might have to be the area on earth that contains the highest concentration a tough time telling which Witch is which. of inland lakes. Whether or not that claim is true, the region Hobo Lake is close to where the logging railroad between certainly does have lots and lots of lakes. Vilas County alone Sayner and Star Lake was once located, so that bit of trivia boasts 867 named lakes within its 842 square miles plus an might shed some light on how Hobo got its name. estimated 500 un-named “pothole lakes.” A thankful lumberjack who helped construct the right-of- Even as a youngster I harbored a keen interest in geography way for a rail line into Hurrah Lake just may have shouted and enjoyed spreading a map out on our dining room table, that very work upon finally finishing the difficult task. For then gazing in wonder at all the blue the map contained. The those brave individuals who have ever driven into Hurrah names of many lakes intrigued me as much as theirs sheer Lake along that old railroad bed, “Hurrah” is exactly what numbers. Numerous bodies of water contained the names of someone might have shouted after finally reaching the lake! girls or women (50), which dad explained were provided by the The name Inkpot Lake is a “no-brainer.” A writer could old lumberjacks to honor a wife, child, girlfriend, or dance hall fill his pen with its water and complete a questionnaire that floozy. The list of lakes with gal’s names begins with Adelade, requires black ink! Alma, Alva, Annabelle and ends with Yolanda. During the late 1800s a pair of surveyors were unable On the other hand, only 23 lakes bear first names of males. to find their way back to camp when they became lost in a Benny leads the list and Stub (Walsh) is number 23. sudden and severe blizzard. > Fishing is a jerk on one end of the line waiting for a jerk at the other UP Magazine #556 9 During their wanderings they found another lake of similar Over the past seven decades I’ve been privileged to size. Hence: Lost and Found Lakes in St. Germain Township. fish over 300 bodies of water in Northern Wisconsin and I suppose it could be possible to misplace one‘s canoe on Michigan’ U.P. For me, Dry Lake is (was) without a doubt the a lake of 249 acres. Well – there is a Lost Canoe Lake. most unique lake I fished and also one of the most beautiful It is known Native American Medicine Men (or Women) and enchanting. Of course that opinion only holds water when smoked various naturally occurring substances that caused Dry Lake holds water. them to experience “visions.” Could such a situation have Dry Lake is listed to be a modest 44 acres in size with a resulted when Moving Cloud Lake got its name? maximum depth of 12 feet. Between 1955 and 1987 I fished Another “no-brainer” for sure is Nudist Lake. (Create your Dry Lake 76 times and got to know most of its secrets. own vision!) Probably 90% of the lake contained depths averaging two to Snort Lake could have been named by a hunter who six feet, with several “holes” plunging from eight to 12 feet. “heard a buck snort” – or, possibly a moonshine still once I could find but one small area about five acres in size that graced its shores? contained water up to 12 feet deep. Yet another “no-brainer” is Tippecanoe Lake. It’s funny The main basin contains two beautiful pine covered islands there isn’t more lakes with that name! and one boggy island covered with small tamarack, alder Thirty-three lakes are named after various types of flora, and other assorted shrubs. Lily pad patches are abundant, most of which are trees. Alder Lake heads the list and Yellow interspersed with areas of red cabbage weed – when there is Birch Lake is the final entry. However there are also fruits water in the lake! The entire lake is surrounded by state land honored, such as Blueberry Lake and Cranberry Lake, to so the shoreline has remained pristine and natural. Dozens name a couple. of downed trees have fallen into the lake producing a bass Forth-six lakes are named after fish, game, furbearers, anglers paradise. birds and insects. Fish lead off with Bass and end with a Jutting southeasterly off the main basin beyond the Whitefish. islands a very narrow channel leads to a second, but smaller, Game and furbearers lead off with Bear and end with Wolf. hourglass shaped basin. From the second basin three narrow Our feathered friends list starts with a Duck and finishes fingerlike bays dip deep into a hardwood forest giving anglers with a Snipe. and canoeists an illusion “no man has treaded here before.” The bug family begins with Bug Lake and gives up after As I said, when the lake is filled with water it is truly beautiful, Roach. Actually there are two Roach Lakes. Both must be of quiet, peaceful and fun to fish or simply explore. the same sex, as they haven’t reproduced, at least not yet! Dry Lake experienced low water levels from 1957 through Our Native American culture added many more lake 1966 causing most fish in the lake to die and therefore was names, some of which also show the influence of the French not worth the effort if one wanted to catch fish. By 1967 water Voyageurs. Several examples include Allequash Lake, levels rose sufficiently allowing migrating fish to restock the Flambeau Lake, Lac Du Lune, Lac Des Fleurs, and Lac Vieux lake by swimming through the channel from Erickson Lake. Desert. By the early ‘70s Dry Lake was back to normal and actually The more traditional Indian influences are Moccasin Lake, overflowed the banks of the second, smaller basin creating a Broken Bow Lake, Teepee Lake, and White Squaw Lake. fourth bay! There are14 lakes the include the word “Big” in their name I vividly recall entering that newly formed arm of Dry Lake and 32 lakes that use “Little” somewhere in the name game. with Ed and Rose Brown in June of 1973. It seemed awfully Seven lakes were named because a major lumber camp strange fishing for bass around freshly flooded 10-and 12-foot existed on its shores, with numbers after the word “Camp” tall pine trees that only had their crowns sticking out of the designating which camp it was. Camp Lake has no number water! Rose decided we needed real names for the various but One, Two, Five, Ten plus Twelve East and Twelve West parts of Dry Lake and proceeded to announce her choices. identify six others. “The main basin is Dry Lake. The second basin is Extra In my opinion the most puzzling lake is Dry Lake. I know Dry. The newly formed bay is Martini Dry.” And for me, so it why it was named but the puzzling part is that Dry Lake was from then on! actually dries up and disappears every so often! More severe drought conditions began in the mid-70s First let me give the reader an idea of just how puzzling prompting Dry Lake’s water levels to once again drop. By this phenomenon really is! Dry Lake, when it contains water, August of 1976 the narrow channel connecting Erickson Lake is the third lake on a three-lake chain of lakes, all connected and Dry Lake was dry, as was the narrow channel connecting by small streams. The headwaters of the system originate in Dry Lake’s main basin with Extra Dry Basin. a wetlands, where a natural spring flows into the first lake on On August 16, 1976 Ed Brown Jr. and his oldest son, Ned, the chain, Ross Lake. Ross Lake in turn flows into Erickson accompanied me on a daring adventure. We dragged my Lake, which then sends its waters into Dry Lake. Dry Lake Grumman Sport Boat and a canoe into Dry Lake’s man basin has no outlet – so, where does all the water go when Dry and then proceeded by water to the dry channel leading to Lake decides to disappear? Extra Dry Basin. From here we dragged the canoe through The late, great, legendary area-fishing guide, Mike muck and mire to what remained of the one and only deep Froelich, was the first person that told me Dry Lake actually area within Extra Dry, which had shrunk to about three acres. dries up from time to time. Our conversation on the subject Our day was what the proverbial situation suggests – “like took place in the mid-50s. Mike recalled the first time he was shooting fish in a barrels.” aware that the water in Dry Lake vanished was in the 1930s We caught dozens and dozens of starving fish including during the drought years known as the “Dust Bowl Years.” perch, bluegill, rock bass, crappie, largemouth bass and one

10 Web Sample It has been said that more fish have been taken out of Wisconsin lakes, than were ever in it Photo - wikipedia.org lone 3-1/2 pound walleye. We kept 11 nice sized bass, the walleye and 4-slab crappie. Ned, a teenager at the time, When I was a kid caught his first big bass, 20 inches but a skinny 4 pounds. It was apparent the fish that remained were doomed once Old my buddies wanted to be Man Winter sealed the lake. cops firemen doctors or During Christmas break, Hank Maines, his two oldest kids, Roy Rogers -- plus my two oldest kids and I, hiked into Extra Dry Basin and fished through the ice. The kids pulled fish after fish from except Curtis the holes we chopped as fast as they could re-bait and drop who wanted to be Dale Evans down their hook. In just two hours we had a burlap sack filled but that’s another story . . . with panfish. Photo - Wikipedia.org In mid-January of 1977 we returned to Extra Dry Basin only And now -- to discover the water beneath the ice reeked of dead fish and I wanted to be was tinted a dull green color. Ma Nature had exterminated with a gimp shoulder a rodeo clown . . . them all! game leg and a mashed ear By 1980 Dry Lake was once again filling with water as the I’m content playing piano drought temporarily came to an end. Between 1981 and 1986 with a roadhouse band Dry Lake hit its peak fish production years. I fished the lake . . . Older and outside of Grand Marais -- 43 times during that span and my companions had fantastic after a year on the circuit fun. Rarely did I encounter any other anglers, a situation my I realized it wasn’t all Just so my mother clients and I loved! baggy-pants greasepaint By 1987 the drought was back again, and has not as yet doesn’t find out and dodging bull-fritters. eased. I fished Dry Lake one time in 1987 for about an hour I write poety stuff . . . before I knew the situation was hopeless. The lake continues to hold small pockets of shallow water, but the dry portions of pl wick - Empire, CO the lake basins are now sprouting small trees, wild grasses and flowers. In order to bring Dry Lake back to its original 44 acres it will take rain and winter snows of biblical proportions! Ross Lake and Erickson Lake are lower than normal but are not affected like Dry Lake even though the small creeks that once flowed between them have long since dried up. So I still ponder my earlier unanswered question, “Where does the water in Dry Lake go – and why?” ∆ POET TREE

There are sport fishermen, and then there are those who catch fish Web Sample 11 “Dick ain’t no We were in another restaurant another time. This friend of mine” one served short orders out of a window. They had the condiments on a sidebar to help yourself. Dick looked at the prices of those hamburgers, then told me, “I don’t care for any hamburgers. I can make a meal on onions. I love onions. (The onions were free on the sidebar intended to be put on U.P. your hamburgers.) He must have taken a pile of onions the size of ½ of a softball. These were not your more expensive, Rabbit mild onions. They were so strong that they were almost smoking. The good, town-folk with their private, religious school were falling on hard times because of the economy. As a last resort, the thought of “Good ‘ole thrifty Dick” came to their minds. After all, he belonged to that church, knew better than most people how to manage money. They promoted him onto By Robert Hruske of Gillett, Wisconson the church council to study and recommend how to get their school’s finances back into the black. Dick looked over their books and the physical plant. He then said he had the solution. They were all happy and My Very, Very, Thrifty Friend gathered around to hear his words of wisdom. Anyone that knew him knew that he never lost money. His solution, “We’ll SELL the place. It’s a prime location and could make a lot of ick is a friend of mine. He is an excellent friend until it office spaces. We can MAKE money on this deal!” Someone comesD to money. He watches HIS money closely and also said, “But what about the kids?” “Kids! Kids? You want this YOUR money. If he can get even a quarter of YOUR money, school back in the black don’t you?” That wasn’t quite what you’ve made his day! they had in mind. He can make more excuses why he doesn’t have to tip One of the good “old boys at the coffee gathering one a waitress…..One, “She’s not going to get a tip from me.” morning said, “If Dick was in charge, there wouldn’t have “Why?” I asked. “Did you see where she put my coffee cup? been a recession.” Another guy answered, “Your right. He’d On the RIGHT side. If she was observant, she’d notice that have sat on the money and not loaned any out.” Another said. I eat left-handed and the coffee cup should be on the LEFT “Put your hand on your wallet, guys, here comes Dick now!” ∆ side.” I think that he’d take off his shoe and hold the cup with his foot so he had an excuse not to tip. I told my son about Dick’s tipping habits. He laughed and said, “I’ll bet those waitresses that know him, flip a coin in the My friend walked into a restaurant and said, “I would kitchen to see who DOESN’T have to wait on him.” In one, like a bowl of stew and a kind word.” local restaurant, he takes his coffee cup into the kitchen and The waitress brought his stew right away. As she washes it out himself. This probably justifies in his mind, that placed the bowl down, then Dick whispered, “How he didn’t cause any extra work for them and no need to tip. I about that kind word?” noticed the waitresses watch him with unbelievable eyes. The waitress smiled and said, “Don’t eat the stew!” Financially, Dick would be considered very well off. He has • • • no need to be so, shall we say, “Thrifty?” Most people that My cheapskate buddy said to me in the restaurant, know him say that’s why he has so much money. He goes “Look, you paid the last six times we had lunch through a lot of internal pain when he has to spend it. together. Let’s toss a coin for this one.” He told me that one of his daughters and son-in-law took • • • him for a vacation trip to Hawaii. Their only condition with My friend is always picking the cheapest places tp him was that he wouldn’t ask what anything cost on the trip. meet and have lunch together. I won’t say the last one He should just enjoy himself. He said that they checked was a bad restaurant, but yesterday the catch of the into a very expensive looking motel right on the ocean. It day was fish sticks. had a balcony overlooking the water and everything in that • • • room “smelled” expensive. He said, “I had my own room but One time my cheap friend and I met at a roadside couldn’t stand the suspense of not knowing what something diner. “I’d like some coffee with milk and sugar,” I said. like this cost. I had to go down to the desk and ask them. My friend said, “I’d like the same, but could you make When I found out, I couldn’t sleep all night! $350.00! I could sure I get it in a clean cup?” have eaten for 5 months at home for that!” When the waitress returned a few minutes later with Dick will go to most every funeral meal that he can work their coffee, she asked, “All right now, which one of in. The last one I saw him at, I said, “Did you know this guy, you guys wanted the coffee in a clean cup?” Dick?” He said, “Oh, it’s not that important if you know him, • • • only if he gets a nice crowd for his last meal. Pass more of You know my friend has found a cheap restaurant if those scalloped potatoes and ham down here will you?” (The you ask to see the menu and the waitress says, “You traditional funeral meal). Dick could look as serious as the will have to wait, somebody is using it.” next person at those meals. 12 Web Sample “Waitress, what was my offense? I’ve been on only bread and water for three hours. A window washer was working his way down A husband and wife were waiting for a clerk in a from the top of a high-rise Condo building. drugstore. Seeing a scale, they walked over and the When he reached the sixeenth floor, he was lady got on. A moment later, a card came out. It said, seen by the young lady who lived there. “You are warmhearted, lovable, understanding, and an excellent cook. Desiring a little fun, she thought she would see Peeking over his wife’s shoulder, the husband if she could fluster the window washer and turn said, “It didn’t get your weight right either.” him on. She took off her clothes and pranced • • • around in the nude, making the most lascivious I know somebody who eats the same meals every- moves. The window washer just kept working. day: four big bowls of Frosted Flakes in the morning, The young lady put her act into high and made • • • four double decker hamburges and a milk shake, even sexier moves. The window knocked on the I once knew this woman and for dinner a two-pound steak and large french window. Smiling, she slithered toward it. When that is such a bad cook, fries. He still weighs the same as he did twenty she was close enough to hear, the window that Betty Crocker once years ago - four hundred and twenty pounds. washer said. “What’s the matter? Haven’t you drove by and threw a • • • ever seen a window washer before?” rock through her window!

Best Southern Fried Chicken Batter Earthquake Cake 2 beaten egg 4 teaspoons garlic salt 1 box German Chocolate Cake 2/3 cup shredded coconut Mix (do not prepare as directed on 2/3 cup chocolate chips 1 cup milk 2 teaspoon black pepper box, prepare as directed below) 1/2 cup chopped pecans 2 teaspoon paprika 2 cup all-purpose flour 1/3 cup oil 1/2 cup butter 1/2 teaspoon poultry seasoning 3 eggs 8 oz cream cheese 1 and 1/3 cup water 1 lb powdered sugar (3 and 3/4 cups)

This Southern Fried Chicken Batter calls for the pieces to be quickly Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly spray a 9 x 13 inch pan with brined and then dipped in a seasoned batter for a crisp Southern- non-stick cooking spray. Sprinkle the coconut, chocolate chips, and pecans style crust. Simple as can be. This is the real deal. Beat the egg and on the bottom of the pan. Mix the german chocolate cake mix with the oil, milk together in a bowl. Combine the flour with the garlic salt, pepper, eggs, and water using a spatula or hand mixer on low. poultry seasoning and paprika in a big plastic bag. Put the chicken in Pour the cake mix on top of the coconut/chocolate chip/pecan layer. the bag, seal it and shake to coat it. In a saucepan, melt the butter and cream cheese. Dip the flour-coated chicken in the egg mixture and again in the Using a spatula or hand mixer on low, beat in 1 pound of powdered sugar flour mixture. until it’s smooth to the butter/cream cheese. Heat the oil in a skillet to 365 degrees F. Brown the chicken on all Spread this mixture on top of the uncooked german chocolate cake in the sides in the hot oil. pan, and swirl into the cake mix using a knife. Turn the heat down to medium low and give the chicken another Bake for 35-45 minutes. It is done when it doesn’t wobble in the pan if you half an hour or until it is cooked through. Drain it on paper towels and serve. shake it. The toothpick test shouldn’t work because the cake should be more gooey in nature. Store any left over cake in the fridge. Enjoy!

Her husband bought her a carving set - three chisels and a mallet Web Sample 13 thumbwind.com By Mike Hardy Author of a fun loving and event blog covering topics of the Upper Thumb of Michigan , the wind energy capital of the Great Lakes. Offering a great trove of information on Wind Energy, Cheeseburger in Caseville, Saginaw Bay, Sailing.

The Charity Island Dinner Cruise – What I Learned

ays of rain gave way to a sunny SaturdayD in Caseville. It was a marvelous day to be out on the water. I met up with Captain Tom and his crew, Kathy and Maggi down at the Caseville Municipal Harbor. The tour boat, The Lady of the Lake was tied up at the end of the dock. It was an easy step over her stern to board and she already had about a dozen guests settling in. Some had brought their own coolers of their favorite cocktails or craft beer. Others were putting on sunscreen for the trip. The anticipation and excitement were high as this was the first venture to Charity Island for all to the passengers, myself included. Captain Tom Welcomes Guests

The Trip Out to Charity Island

The Lady of the Lakes comfortability cruises at about 11 knots which means that the 10 mile trip from Caseville to the island takes about an hour. Once out of the harbor you can see the expansive sandy shore from Oak Point to the north to the tip of Sand Point in the south. As you travel further out into the Bay you will be amazed at the number of wind turbines that seem to dominate the horizon behind Caseville.

Charity Island on the Horizon

14 Web Sample A sea gull in the hand is really terrible table manners Charity island quickly comes into focus. At just over 250 acres, you really can’t appreciate the size of it until you’re up close. Hardwood trees grow right up to the shoreline. From time to time it seems that large waves crash right into the woods. The Lady slows as it approached the break walls of the Charity Island harbor. Coming into the channel, the waves cease and the woods seem to close in around the boat until you’re met with silence when the Lady’s diesel engines come to a stop. Charity Island Harbor Channel The Charity Island Marina Looking around the harbor I noted that it is a feat of engineering. I learned that the owner, Robert Wiltse, bought the island in 1993 for development. They envisioned 24 exclusive homes across the island. The first phase of the project was to take 60,000 pounds of dynamite to blast out a harbor. It took 16 weeks to carve out the marina and connect it to the lake by a channel. While the housing development never occurred, the harbor remains quite in use. It’s like a tropical lagoon as trees grow close to the water’s edge. Charity Island’s Little Harbor Walking to the Lighthouse We disembark and take a short walk to the lighthouse. The walk is pretty as oaks form a canopy over the trail. The crew also has brought an ATV and trailer for those with mobility issues. Most of the guests make their way to the pavilion where tables have been set up and wine tasting is offered. I head to the cobblestone beach in front of the light keeper’s house and tower. With camera in hand, I take some quick shots of the iconic brick tower. The beach is made up of rounded white stone a little smaller than your fist. The high water has driven these high up on the shore and I catch the tickling sound of the rocks hitting each other. This is a sight I’ve only seen along Lake Superior’s famous north shore. Charity Island Lighthouse Trail > My son is following in the footsteps of great men. He just went down in history Web Sample 15 The History and Stories of the Island

After taking more pictures of the tower’s internal iron stairway, I make my way back to the pavilion area. The raised dining area gives a commanding view of the north shore of the island. Purple martins dove overhead clearing the air of mosquitos, while the lake gently lapped along the rugged beach.

Charity Island Lighthouse

One of the highlights of the Charity Island Dinner Cruise is hearing history and stories of the island. Bob Wiltse gave a riveting review of the history of the island. Saginaw Bay and this island have been criss crossed 1000s of years by Native Americans, French Voyeurs, British and finally the Americans. Bob weaved this history with personal stories of visitors that have come to the island to walk in the same footsteps of their grandparents. It’s a touching story of the pioneering spirit, the isolation of the island, shipwrecks and fortunes made and lost. Bob Gives a History of Charity Island

The fresh lake air from the boat ride and exploration of the lighthouse really got my appetite going. Each dish was prepared at an open-air cooking hut and the air was soon filled with the spiced scent of stir fry and sizzling beef. Dinner was a choice of beef tenderloin tips or lightly fried lake perch. Both entrees are paired with a warm cabbage medley and redskin potatoes. Delicious!

Charity Island Cooks Keep Busy

12 Web Sample Some women wouldn’t wear jeans if they had hindsight Living Off the Grid in a Light Keepers House After dinner, the group was invited to a tour of the light keeper’s house. The tour started in the basement where Karen Wiltse told the story of how the couple weaved old technology and new to create a comfortable home that is not dependent on any public utilities. The cellar contains the original cistern to hold water pumped from the lake. The water is taken through a purification process that mimics that of the large municipal water systems. Karen Gives A House Tour The second amazing aspect of the house is its generation and use of solar and wind energy. Power is generated from an on-site wind turbine and solar panels and stored in a small bank of batteries. The house has its own electric inverter to convert the Direct Current power to Alternating Current that is typically found in the homes on the shore. The home utilizes the same appliances and light just like on- shore. Artifacts Lighthouse Interior of Late 1800’s

The group tour moved up to the second floor where Karen Wiltse showed the plans and prints used to build the replacement light keepers house. Materials from the original 1857 house were on display and replaced with replicas of the original wherever possible. From the trim on the interior walls to the red metal shingles on the roof were all replaced as close to original as practical. Karen showed me the rooms on the second floor that had been decorated with late 1800’s period furnishings and appointments from their own family on the mainland. It was very well done. Island Interior Rooms >

I have a Peter Pan garden. It never grows Web Sample 17 Walking the Beach of Charity Island Our final tour on the island took us to the beach to find flora and fauna that is unique to Charity Island. Our first find was the elusive Pitcher’s Thistle or dune thistle. This endangered native flower is a pale sage color and blooms over and over on the same spot on the small sand dunes on the north edge of the island. However, while the thistle is protected it seems to be a favorite target of Canadian Geese who like to nibble on the soft leaves. As we walked the beach I thought that this must look much the same as it did when Michigan territorial governor Lewis Cass and geologist Henry Schoolcraft first set foot on the island in 1820. It was Schoolcraft who recognized the importance of chert nodules as a material for production of stone tools by native populations in the area. North Beach We took pictures and wondered a bit and found ourselves back on the large porch that surrounds the main house. Karen passed around a scrapbook that showed the progress of creating the harbor and the teardown of the original house that had totally collapsed. It was a huge undertaking that is still work in progress. I found that there is also an effort to restore the lighthouse tower. The restoration estimates exceed $300,000. We agreed that the efforts may be hampered by the remoteness of the island and that many folks don’t know about it. Pitchers Thestle The Voyage Back to Caseville Finally, Captain Tom signals that it’s time to get back to the boat as the sun begins setting. I walk back and take a bit of the island’s interior. Both Big and Little Charity islands are part of the Michigan Island National Wildlife Refuge. As a result, there are no trails, no signs and no fences. A few feet from shore it’s totally wild. In the dimming light, the forest is quiet except for the sound of the waves hitting the beach. 18 Web Sample You can tell if a man is healthy by what he takes two at a time - stair or pills As we board, blankets are passed out to those who want them. The sun is setting and even in the summer, the cold waters of outer Saginaw Bay will put a chill on most wearing shorts and light clothing. We watch a beautiful sunset and nibble on cheesecake and sip coffee on the trip back to Caseville. We slowly make our way into the harbor and dock in the last of the evening light. I say our goodbyes to new friends and have a word of thanks to the captain and crew for a delightful experience. I step off of the dock thinking when I would take the Charity Island Dinner Cruise to the island again. Helpful Hints for Charity Island

How do you get to Charity Island? Charity Island is serviced by two cruise boat companies. From Caseville, the Explorer Charters tour boat The Lady of the Lakes runs from Caseville Municipal Harbor to Charity Island each weekend. From Au Gres, Charity Island Transport runs the Northstar from Charity Island Landing & RV park in Au Gres. What should I wear to Charity Island? Its recommended that you wear non-skid closed-toe boat or beach shoes while on board the tour boats. The deck can get wet and slippery. Also, parts of the island’s beaches are rocky. Having proper footwear is a plus. Can I walk to the interior of Charity Island? Big Charity Island is part of the Michigan Island National Wildlife Refuge. There are no marked trails and signs from National Wildlife Service indicate to stay out as most of the island is a rookery. You can walk and explore along the shoreline. What should I bring with me to Charity Island? You can bring a small cooler with your favorite beverages while onboard. It’s recommended that you bring sunglasses, a hat, and a light jacket. Sunblock and bug spray are also good to have. ∆

I went to the beach and I held my stomach in so much I threw my back out Web Sample 19 Judgements do not always follow Getting asked to perform other duties the logic based on common sense. In is often the case for judges. A young this case, a business man, in his mid- couple, eager to be united in matrimony, thirties, found himself standing in front asked a judge to do the job. YOU of a judge. The record showed that he The judge had to explain, “In this Judge was there on two different matters at the state you have to take a blood test, fill SAY Prudence same time. He had elected to not have a out all sorts of forms, and the you both lawyer. He felt one case would solve the are required to wait at least forty-eight WHAT? other. hours, that’s the law.” In the first case, the man’s wife was The young bride-to-be- looked at the seeking to get a divorce because she judge helplessly and asked, “Can you wanted to have children and claimed say a few words that will just get us her husband was tested and told he was through this weekend?” impotent. The second case involved the man’s secretary who was seeking child support Each day, an elected judge, walks to for a newly born baby. work. One day the judge is hit by a car It appears the man might have been a dies. Arriving in heaven, Saint Peter given better advice if he had retained a is at the gate. “Welcome to heaven, but lawyer. Without much questioning, the before you can enter, it appears there is judge awarded both women, to be the a problem. We seldom see high officials CASE STUDIES: winners in their cases. up here, so we are not sure just what to do with you.” A lawyer purchased a box of very “No, I’ll just go in,” the judge says. rare and expensive cigars, then insured Under certain conditions a judge often “Well, I’d like to do that but I have them against, among other things, fire. feels a jury needs a little instruction orders from high up. What you have to Within a month, having smoked his beyond the normal guide lines. The do is spend one day in hell and one in entire stockpile of these great cigars, judge felt this jury needed a special heaven, Then you can judge for yourself, the lawyer filed a claim against the caution, before leaving the court room. where to spend eternity.” insurance company. In his claim, the The judge faced the jury and said, Saint Peter escorts the judge to the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a “When you go into deliberate, for elevator that goes down to hell. The door series of small fires.’ those of you who watch law shows on opens, and the judge is in the middle of The insurance company refused to television, let me remind you that once a green golf course. Meeting some old pay, citing the obvious reason, that the in a while the district attorney does not friends, they play a round of golf and man had consumed the cigars in the loss!” then dine on lobster in the club house. normal fashion. The devil is there and he is really The lawyer sued - and WON! friendly. They all are having a great time Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed Defendants can often appear out of and soon it is time to go. with the insurance company that the place in the court. A studious looking, Everyone gives big hugs and waves claim was frivolous. The judge stated with gray hair surrounding his temples, while the elevator returns to heaven. As nevertheless, that the lawyer held a and dressed very nicely, the judges the door opens, Saint Peter says, “Now policy from the company, in which it had first impression was that he did not suit it is time to visit 24 hours in heaven.” warranted that the cigars were insurable the part for a Peeping Tom. However, The judge passes from cloud to cloud, and also guaranteed that it would insure the arresting officer stated that he had with even old members of the Supreme them against fire, without defining what caught him red-handed at his window, Court and they have a wonderful time. is considered to be unacceptable ‘fire’ staring at a woman across the street St. Peter returns, “You’ve spent a and was obligated to pay the claim. using a pair of very strong binoculars. day in hell and another in heaven. Now, Rather than endure lengthy and costly When asked by the judge, the choose the place where you want to appeal process, the insurance company defendant pleaded, “I am not guilty.” spend your eternity.” accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to The judge responded, “The officer The judge answers: “I would never the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that says he caught you red-handed.” have guessed it, heaven has been perished in the ‘fires’. The defendant calmly answered, “It’s delightful, but I think I would be better off After the lawyer cashed the check, the my hobby. I’m a birdwatcher.” in hell,” and heads for the elevator. insurance company had him arrested on “Sure,” the judge continued, “and you As the door opens, the site is like 24 counts of ARSON!!! were just testing your binoculars and a garbage dump, the old friends are With his own insurance claim and the young woman just happened to dressed in rags. The devil greats the testimony from the previous case being be undressing at the window you were judge. “I don’t understand,” the judge used against him, the lawyer was focused on.” says. convicted of intentionally burning his He answered, “The woman was just The devil smiles and says, “Yesterday insured property and was sentenced to a woman, but, Your Honor, you should we were campaingning. Today, you 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. have seen her beautiful parrot!” elected to vote for us!” ∆ 20 Web Sample It seems a jury is a group of twelve who decide which lawyer team wins the contest Michigan Tech Grandparents Photo credit: Michigan Tech Story written by: Mare Grohowski University Marketing and Communications

Rachel: And they do want to talk. When it first started wo or three years ago when Curt was out for two months happening it was like—we looked at one another and said “I Tbecause of a disease, I found out we were called Grandma and really didn’t need to know that. But they needed to get rid of it.” Grandpa Wads. So we were the ears that heard it! And it has to be the two of us I’m Curt Eikenberry and that’s Rachel. We’ve been here since because during those two months that he was not here, I didn’t 2013. We’ve seen a lot of ‘em come and go. The joke was, we moved have time to do that kind of thing. up here for our grandkids and now we’ve got a thousand of ‘em! Curt: Something we do is try to watch for kids who are Rachel: He’s got their names down. And because he traveled struggling and get ‘em hooked up with whatever. Sooner or later so much downstate in former work, he knows all the little teeny tiny I’m not going to catch somebody; so far I’ve been able to catch towns. everybody, as far as I know anyway. I’m sure there’s a lot of other stuff we don’t catch up on. We see ‘em probably more than Curt: Where the little towns are. anybody other than their roommate on campus on any given Rachel: A few years ago he asked a kid, “Where are you from?” day... Finally, the kid said “Twining,” and Curt said, “Well I know where that Rachel: ...the kids that are in and out of here. In terms of is. There’s a John Deere dealership...” what else we do, I crochet. In the summertime before Tech is Curt: He went and got a whole bunch of friends from that town out, we do a lot of gardening. We have been able to raise a lot of and said, “Do you know what? He knows where...” So then there was the vegetables that we eat so we don’t need to buy any: carrots, four of ‘em that came and talked to me! But that’s part of what we do: potatoes, red beets, rutabagas, spinach, green beans. by having two of us we let—if anybody needs to talk or wants to talk, Curt: We used to go home during our break. Rachel: Now we can. we nap [or read] downstairs. ∆

“Did I ever tell you about my grandchildren?” - “No, and I appreciate it very much!” Web Sample 21 Yippy Skippy

Its America’s Freedom Fest is one the Midwest’s premier air shows, with a heritage and tradition dating back decades. The event draws more than Photo 30,000 people from around northern Indiana and beyond and features daring aerial acts, fascinating static displays, mouthwatering food, a legendary Time fireworks display, and much more.Photos by Vincent E. Duis / Wolf’s Eye View Photography

22 Web Sample “How often do these planes crash?” - “Only once, I imagine!” Countdown ...... Michigan Tech . . . L I F T O F F I N S P A C E

By Cyndi Perkins, MTU Feature writer Department of Defense (DoD) in more efficient Photos by SPACE X and accurate monitoring of the myriad of objects circling the globe. Mission accomplished Many of the 800 students who have been Enterprise members, and other Michigan Tech Michigan Technological University’s student- alumni and friends watched the livestream of built nanosatellite Oculus-ASR now orbits Earth. what SpaceX founder Elon Musk described as Pad 39A at NASA’s Kennedy Space Center, the “our most difficult launch ever.” The mission, historic site of the Apollo missions which sent the Falcon Heavy’s first night launch, involved four first astronauts to the moon nearly 50 years ago, upper-stage engine burns and three separate is now also a part of Michigan Tech history. In a deployments. Huskies able to witness the event dramatic example of space research in action, firsthand joined the jubilant applause and cheers at 2:30 a.m. Tuesday morning the student-built — and the indrawn breath when the Falcon nanosatellite Oculus-ASR —named for its role as Heavy’s center core failed to land on the drone an orbiting eye — rode the SpaceX Falcon Heavy ship “Of Course I Still Love You,” the single glitch rocket into a nine-month mission to assist the in an otherwise successful multi-stage mission. >

Web Sample 23 College of Engineering Dean Janet Callahan said that over the past 10 years, hundreds of students in the Aerospace Enterprise at Michigan Tech have worked on the Oculus- ASR and are now Michigan Tech alumni from a wide variety of majors. I am extremely proud of the team,” she said, “as well as the team’s advisor, Professor Brad King. He taught them, among many other things, the great value of perseverance.” It’s been 15 years since Michigan Tech won first place in the University Nanosatellite program, funded by the Air Force Office of Science Research and administered by the Air Force Research Lab—where many Huskies currently work—and roughly 18 years since the Michigan Tech Aerospace Enterprise began. King, the Aerospace Team Advisor, said he can’t take credit for the idea to start an Enterprise focused on spacecraft design, testing and integration. Students John Verville and Casie Applin asked for it. “”I never had a doubt that MTU would eventually launch a satellite,” said Applin— who is active duty Air Force (her married name is Wolak). “We knew we had a lot to learn our first couple years as a new satellite design team, but we also saw the enthusiasm from students across departments on campus. It was clear we were laying the foundation for a strong program.” “I’ve continued to work in aerospace as an engineer, program manager and flight test engineer in hypersonics, software development, flight test and other areas,” she said. “I definitely did want to be an astronaut and still do. I was a finalist for the current astronaut candidate class and hope for a better outcome next application cycle.” SpaceX has posted high-quality launch photos at: https://www.flickr.com/photos/ spacex/ ∆

24 UP Magazine UP Magazine 25 College of Engineering Dean Janet Callahan said that over the past 10 years, hundreds of students in the Aerospace Enterprise at Michigan Tech have worked on the Oculus- ASR and are now Michigan Tech alumni from a wide variety of majors. I am extremely proud of the team,” she said, “as well as the team’s advisor, Professor Brad King. He taught them, among many other things, the great value of perseverance.” It’s been 15 years since Michigan Tech won first place in the University Nanosatellite program, funded by the Air Force Office of Science Research and administered by the Air Force Research Lab—where many Huskies currently work—and roughly 18 years since the Michigan Tech Aerospace Enterprise began. King, the Aerospace Team Advisor, said he can’t take credit for the idea to start an Enterprise focused on spacecraft design, testing and integration. Students John Verville and Casie Applin asked for it. “”I never had a doubt that MTU would eventually launch a satellite,” said Applin— who is active duty Air Force (her married name is Wolak). “We knew we had a lot to learn our first couple years as a new satellite design team, but we also saw the enthusiasm from students across departments on campus. It was clear we were laying the foundation for a strong program.” “I’ve continued to work in aerospace as an engineer, program manager and flight test engineer in hypersonics, software development, flight test and other areas,” she said. “I definitely did want to be an astronaut and still do. I was a finalist for the current astronaut candidate class and hope for a better outcome next application cycle.” SpaceX has posted high-quality launch photos at: https://www.flickr.com/photos/ spacex/ ∆

24 UP Magazine UP Magazine 25 Ford Built B-24 Bomber During WWII

Production began here 6 months BEFORE Pearl Harbor! The long hanger at Willow Run, Michigan has a 90 degree Henry Ford was determined that he could mass produce turn in it so Henry Ford would not have to pay taxes in the bombers just as he had with cars, so he built the Willow Run next county. That short end is being saved and restored today assembly plant and proved it. This was the world’s largest as a museum. The big hanger doors are still operational after building under one roof at the time. This film will absolutely all these years. blow you away -- one B-24 every 55 minutes! Ford had its This is one of the best and most informative clips about own pilots to test them. And no recalls! a great American accomplishment, thanks to the Ford Motor ADOLF HITLER HAD NO IDEA THE U.S. WAS CAPABLE Company during WWII. OF THIS KIND OF THING. ∆ Photos by Pinterest.com

A Ford Airplane! AMAZING! B-24 Liberator Willow Run Assembly Plant - YouTube

26 Web Sample Before the test flights - the pilots asked for their last meal Yippy Skippy

The Kee Boon Mein Kaa Powwow that was held in Dowagiac, MI, over the Labor Day weekend. It marked its 34th year and is a competitive Powwow where the dancers shine. The event is held by the Pokagon band of the Potawatomi and dancers come Its from all over to face off. The name Powwow means “we stopped picking/harvesting” in their language which is a dialect of Algonquin language. There were various vendors selling everything from blankets to things needed to make their Photo regalia, as well as offering various foods. The Pokagon band throws two Powwows a year, one on Memorial Day, which is a traditional, and one on Time Labor Day weekend, which have high-octane preformances. Vincent E. Duis / Wolf's Eye View - 69425 M-62 lot 95 - Edwardsburg Michigan 49112 - (269)663-0294

28 Web Sample One Indian girl did a naked rain dance and made the Creeks rise! play in quiet meadows. Its hard to imagine the enormity of what Berry plants often appear early at an abandoned mine site, once stood here, and what lies buried. their fruit a tasty attraction to these sometimes dangerous In the environment, relics become treasures, tragedies become areas. For Ruth Ann Miller, a seven-year-old girl picking legend, and all of it becomes a lesson. berries with her family in July 1966, this simple summer pleasure led to a tragedy shared by the whole community. Tamarack #4 Tamarack No. 4 was a vertical mine shaft over 4000 Mine Shaft feet deep. Closed in 1931, it had been given a concrete cap in 1936 to seal it from above. Over the years, erosion This is the location of one of the area’s most tragic lessons. around the cap created a hole just large enough for a child Tamarack Number Four is a vertical shaft with a depth of 4,400 to slip into. On July 16, 1966, during the Calumet Township feet ( almost a mile ) and approximately 12 feet by 18 feet wide. Centennial celebration, Ruth Ann fell into that gap at Mining operations here ceased in 1931. In 1936 a concrete plug Tamarack No. 4. was installed at 1100 feet below the surface and a concrete slab Underground work ceased at the other still-active Calumet placed over the entrance. It was estimated that 200 feet of water & Hecla mines as the company focused on the rescue had accumulated above the lower plug at the time of the tragedy. operation. After three days of intense effort in increasingly On July 16, 1966 seven-year-old Ruth Ann Miller slipped into dangerous conditions, the decision was made to stop the the shaft due to erosion around the cap. search. Ruth Ann was not recovered. Today, a tribute to her In the early stages of the rescue effort, the concrete slab capping too-short life marks the Tamarack No. 4 shaft. Other mines the shaft broke loose as it was being lifted. It fell into the shaft. throughout the Keweenaw offer tributes to Ruth Ann in the Hour after hour men descended in a cage suspended by a crane, form of concrete caps, cages, and other safety measures removing the built-up debris blocking the passage. After an intense installed to prevent another tragedy. and hazardous three-day rescue operation involving many devoted Calumet and Hecla personnel, the rescue attempt was abandoned when it was realized that the concrete slab had lodged at 500 feet A marker at the site reads: creating an impenetrable blockage. Recovery was impossible. The Passage of time leaves us with ever lessening memories of The incident was a motivator for tighter regulations and actions the Copper Country’s industrial heritage. Where once men toiled required when abandoning mine sites, and the location has since amidst powerful machinery in massive structures, children now become a memorial to the little girl who paid the lesson’s price. ∆

Her looks were made in heaven, which may be why God took her back. Web Sample 29 1895

Thirty Men Suffocated in a Michigan Mine Colorado Transcript, Golden, Colorado in order to give any of the entombed miners a chance to escape if they could reach the skip alive, but none came Calumet, Mich. Sept. 9, 1895 --- Saturday afternoon a fire up. Another attempt will be made to reach the men in the broke out in the shaft of the Osceola mine at this place. morning. Thirty men were at work in the mine at the time, and there There is no danger of the bodies being burned, as it is seems no possibility that they can have escaped suffocation. generally thought the men escaped from the burning shaft to It is learned that the place where the fire caught was the some of the drifts leading to other shafts and were overcome worst place that it could have caught in the whole mine, and by gas and smoke before they could reach a place of safety. the only place in the mine where fire of any extent could have This being the case, the bodies will be recovered as soon as caught. the fire is gotten under control and the gases leave the mine. Many of the men that were working several levels below The shaft has been surrounded all day by thousands of the twenty-seventh, which place the fire caught, were seen people, all hoping that some sign or word would be gotten as far up as the thirteenth level working their way up. Several from the men, but have now all returned to their homes, of the men who escaped claim to have passed others on the fearing the worst. All hope has been given up by the officials ladders. They were unable to proceed further on account of of ever rescuing any of the men alive. being overcome with smoke and gas. Ten miners went down in the southernmost shaft of the At the time the alarm was sounded over 200 were Osceola mine this afternoon. They reached the twenty-fourth underground, and all would have escaped had they used level and made their way to within 250 feet of the burning proper precautions. Several miners in their flight passed a shaft, when they were forced to return on account of the group of seven or eight men who had stopped to rest and deadly gas. Another party went down No. 1 shaft to a depth were smoking their pipes. They seemed to be in no hurry, of 280 feet, but was also compelled to run back. The entire or think of danger. When told to hurry to the surface they mine is full of smoke and gas, and all hope of finding any of remarked that they had plenty of time and not one of them the entombed miners alive has been given up. reached the surface. It is thought that the fire is out, but it will be several days The skips were kept running up and down all day Saturday before the mine will be clear of smoke. - Credit: USMRA ∆

30 Web Sample George Washington was first in many things, but how come he married a widow? per day or less. Laughter triggers healthy physical changes U.P. in the body. It also strengthens the immune system, boosts Rabbit energy, and decreases pain. Another amazing fact is that cancer cells die in the presence of oxygen. While laughing, your body takes in large amounts of oxygen, therefore, the more you laugh, the less chance you have of getting cancer. There are many ways that laughter can improve your physical and emotional health, but here are just a few examples: To start off, laughter improves the function of blood vessels and increases blood flow. It also helps protect you against a heart attack and other cardiovascular problems. Due to less stress, this can actually add a few years to your life! In the laughing stage, lymph fluids are moved around your body, this clears waste products out of your internal organs and tissues. Now, this is only a small portion of what laughter does for you. By Robert Hruske Stress is next. It gives you large problems for the body of Gillett, Wisconson leading to a higher risk of some viruses, heart disease, and type 2 diabetes. This is why laughter is so incredibly important to keep you and your body happy. Humor lightens bad moods, connects you to others, it keeps you grounded, The Power focused, and alert. A good, hearty laugh relieves physical tension and stress that leaves the muscles relaxed for up to 45 minutes after. Infection fighting antibodies are created of Humor during that process and improves your resistance to disease. Antibodies play a very big role in protecting your body from pathogens and diseases that can get you not only sick, but was motivated to write this after reading an article that even worse. Keep humor and laughter part of your life they Imy amazing, 13-year-old Granddaughter, Athena, wrote on make everything much more simple. “Helpful Humor”, for a school assignment. You can already see how good emotional health can I was really surprised to read the depth that she put into contribute to warding off disease. Laughing gives off this writing. After reading her story and thinking back as an endorphins that have a chemical inside to temporally relieve older adult, it’s wonderful that kids see more happiness and pain. Decreased stress hormones and increased immune humor naturally, rather than later experiences in life. cells are a glorious sign for the body! Although most doctors Most of us heard or read that Will Rogers’ humor helped don’t prescribe it for a cold, it still is important for different, bring everyone struggling, out of the Great Depression. A or more dangerous situations. Each part of laughing does few years back, I’d pick up my 78 year old Dad to go up to something different for the body, but they are all important the camp for the weekend. He always loved it up there. He together for staying alive and healthy!” started looking noticeably sour and seemed to have a hard I hope you were impressed with this article as I was…… time to smile. I called him on that and he said, “When you The best reward of writing humorous articles, to me, is the reach my age, there’s nothing to smile at anymore. Nothing’s letters that one receives after a lot of people have read my funny.” (He had aches and pains like any other senior of that books. I have written to date, 7 paperbacks on humorous age or older.) hunting and fishing stories. (See ad on page 00). I’ll share As we’d ride up to the camp, I’d work on him with a few one letter with you. “I enjoyed your book that I bought at a jokes that I thought he’d relate to. Soon, he started smiling Casino gift shop. It brought back a lot of memories! Such as and giving a few belly laughs. It worked similar to priming the time that I was put on a deer stand while others drove the old pump at camp. Put a little water in, and get more out. the woods. A big buck suddenly appeared in from of me! I I guess it’s never to late to change your attitude. He was a was so close that I could see it’s eye lashes. I fired 4 times lot happier like he used to be and I would keep “priming the right between it’s horns. I told the others that I fired in self- pump” on all of our future trips. defense. Someone ran a ways into the swamp and got it. I Humor or laughter, is one of the most natural and healthy QUIT HUNTING! I was reading your book on the bus and had things we can all do, and it’s FREE! As I mentioned before, I to laugh out loud at some of the stories. Needless to say, I was so impressed with 13-year-old, Athena’s little article that got some pretty weird looks. Thanks for the good read. I’m I’m going to include it here. Teenagers always seem to take a sure I’ll enjoy the others just as much. (She bought the other (maybe, useless?) seat in society because of the unsureness 6 books). “By the way, I’m 81 years old.” Signed, Evelyn. and changes that they must go through. She told me that she My Grandson, Cal, is also 13 years old. He said, “Grandpa, used “Google” as a source for the facts in her article. (For I read your books over and over. Whenever I want to dream those not familiar with a computer, that is one free, helpful, about something happy, like camp or hunting, or fishing, I factual program.) Remember, she’s only 13-years-old, a 7th read one. I sure want to go on one of those adventures with grader, and a very cheerful person. you.” It’s a pleasure to see people from ages 13 to 81, and Here’s her article: “Did you know that most kids laugh up points in between, enjoy a humorous story. to 400 times a day? Adults on average, laugh about 15 times SMILE, IT’S CONTAGIOUS! ∆ Pump photo by Carmen Del Valle

A camp kid wrote home, “Please send me something to eat. All they serve here are meals Web Sample 31 This is a stunning photograph from 1862.The image shows a horse-drawn Civil War ambulance crew removing the wounded from a battlefield. - Kodak Archival Pix A Nation Reborn: By Randy Vile, Newaygo, MI https://www.nps.gov/gett/index.htm

Sometimes, you find yourself occupying a place that is so important in significance, it forever deeply touches your very soul. I recently had the opportunity to briefly visit a place such as this, a solemn place called; Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. Upon arrival, one cannot help but feel the solemnity of this battle field and national cemetery where the course of American history was changed forever. It extinguished the lives of at least 51,000 individuals within those three hellish days of grotesque fighting, that ended so horrifically, we may only hope that no one ever again will witness it’s like. Today, this sacred hollowed ground serves both as a finial resting place and a most humble reminder. Teaching us there is never any victor, nor glory, nor honor amongst the war dead. It was their given responsibility bequeathed to their survivors and all of posterity, ensuring that we must live in peace, further guaranteeing their sacrifices were not in vain. With a total estimated 750,000 lives lost during the American Civil War, it was by far and to this very day, the most recorded American casualties experienced in any war. So, if your travels take you towards those eastern shores, make sure to plan at least a day as you visit this enshrined place, you will not be disappointed and certainly glad you did.

32 Web Special I had a terrible dream yesterday. I dreamed I was up all night! A traveler’s car broke down. It was too late to call for assistance from a garage, so he walked over to a nearby farmhouse, where, to his surprise, he encountered a farmer’s lovely daughter. Hearing his plight, the farmer’s daughter offered him a night’s lodging. The traveler accepted and was shown to a pleasant bedroom with a king sized bed. Later, as he lay thinking of the maiden, there was a knock on the door and the voice of the farmer’s daughter asking if he was still awake. The traveler said, “I’m still up. Come in.” Wearing the briefest of nighties, the farmer’s daughter entered and asked, “are you lonely?” The traveler said, I certainly am.” The farmer’s daughter said, “I’m glad, because I’ve got another traveler outside who needs a bed for the night.”

A farmer and his wife drove to the market in town the day after a heavy rainstorm. The roads were rutted, with pools of water everywhere. At the outskirts of town, the farmer ran into a neighbor. “How are you getting along?” the neighbor asked. “Good days and bad days.” “How is your wife?” the neighbor asked. Indicating the backseat, the farmer said, “Ask her yourself. The neighbor said, “She’s not with you.” The farmer looked around and said, “I reckon that accounts for the splash back yonder.”∆ (Solution can be found on page 40)

A good salesman can convice his wife that polyester is the generic name for mink! Web Sample 33 The Nerd with no name

A non-paid intern assigned to tasks nobody wants to do

FINEST ASS TO RIDE A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race, and it won again. The local newspaper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind the clerk to break one of the hundreds into of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to BACK ON THE ASS AGAIN change and include the two dollar bill he had enter the donkey in another race. paid to bet. The next day, the local newspaper An eight-year-old ass was dropped into “I have no luck. I hit a two-hunred- headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES a claiming race at a big track. He’d never thousand-to-one shot, and it was with your PASTOR’S ASS. raced in this area before, and went off at a two dollar bill.” Eino smiled as he handed This was too much for the Bishop, so he hundred to one. He won by a dozen lengths, Toivo back his two dollar bill. Then Eino ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. beating the track record for the distance. said, “Put it back in your shoe and don’t The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a Wary, the track stewards called in the owner spend it, I might need to borrow it again.” nearby convent. and asked, “This ass is eight years old. Why The local paper, hearing of the news, haven’t you raced him before?” The owner posted the following headline the next day: said, “We couldn’t catch him, since we Old ASS Baseball NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. bought him from a nun, until last Monday!” The ass showed up at a ballpark. He told The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun the manager, “I’d like to try out for the team.” that she would have to get rid of the donkey, Bet Your ASS - JUST $2 As the manager recovered from hears this so she sold it to a farmer for $10. ass talk, and said, “Really? Let me see you The next day the paper read: NUN Eino looked over the racing form and catch a few. SELLS ASS FOR $10. picked out the longest longshot in the history The ass walked to third base and caught This was too much for the Bishop, so he of the track. An eight-year- ass that nobody every ball hit to him. The manager asked ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and was interested in looking at. With five him to throw. The ass whistled the ball lead it to the plains where it could run wild. minutes to post, not one penny had been toward the first baseman with perfect The next day the headlines read: NUN bet on it. Eino didn’t care. Disregarding the accuracy and speed. Picking up a heavy bat ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND advice of his best friend Toivo, he borrowed a few minutes later, the ass proceeded to hit FREE. a two dollar bill from Toivo and raced to the a dozen balls over the centerfield fence. The Bishop was buried the next day. ticket window and gave up the two dollar bill, The manager said, “Not bad at all. Now The moral of the story is: for a chance on that ass. The ass won and let me see you run the bases.” Being concerned about public opinion can paid two hundred thousand for a dollar. The ass just stood there for a few bring you much grief and misery and even Eino raced to the window to collect. He seconds wondering just the right thing to shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy looked at the huge stack of bills in his hand, say, “Well, if I could still run fast, I’d still be life. You’ll be a lot happier and live longer! buck there was no two dollar bill. He asked running at the race track.” ∆

34 Web Sample My Ass could have beat your ass, but my ass, kept looking back for the plow Wesley and Me

Buckshot Anderson St. Germain, WI

Photos of Isle Royale from MSU.edu.

We ended last issue with . . . That evening Hank, Marnie, Peggy and I attended a Bucks game in Milwaukee, compliments of the CEO, and watched wheels to remain level when driving the home team win. For all four of over large obstacles, such as boulders, us it was a first time experience, but downed tree trunks and stumps. an event we’d continue to experience An added feature, which comes in annually for the next several years. . . handy for fisherman, is the fact Coots float and are propelled across water surfaces by the rotation of the wheels! The Yachtsman I was invited along on the day Wes At the same time Wes’ Career decided to check out a Coot. The Academy Empire was rapidly being dealership was in Minocqua, Wisconsin, expanded, his first marriage was just twelve miles from where I lived. crumbling. The reason for its collapse One of the salesmen took us for a is unknown to me, and being a person demonstration ride along the right- who likes to keep his nose out of other of-way of U.S. Highway 51 and then people’s personal lives, it was and still asked if we’d like to see how the Coot is none of my business, although Wes operated on water. Of course we did! did fill me in on the details after the fact, sights on August of 1969 for the With that, the driver made a left turn off which would add nothing of substance adventure to take place. the highway right-of-way, eased down to this narrative. During June of 1969 Wes decided we the steep embankment and into Lake His first marriage did produce three needed a special piece of equipment Minocqua! What a machine it was! wonderful daughters, Marcie, Lyndy for not only our trip to Isle Royale, but After the demonstration ride, Wes and Susan, all of which did get to fish also to make it easier for the two of us asked if he could take it for a test drive with their father and I from time to time to reach bodies of water in Northern as one would prior to buying a car or during the decades of the 1970s and Wisconsin and Michigan’s U. P, that had truck! The request was approved and ‘80s. no roads leading to them. He bought a with Wes at the wheel, the two of us set One of Wes’ first major purchases “Coot.” out along Highway 51’s right-of-way. after his bank account began to grow Coots are a very unique all terrain When we reached the point where the was a beautiful sixty-eight foot yacht, vehicle, and I do mean all terrain. salesman entered Lake Minocqua, Wes which he christened “The Mar-Lyn- The vehicle somewhat resemble a asked me if I’d like another ride on the Sue.” The sleek vessel spent the open downscale army jeep without a roof. lake. Of course I would! water months at a marina in Milwaukee, The body of a Coot is comprised of Within seconds we were back on and Wes often used it as his home two separate sections, each section the surface of Lake Minocqua, but during the summer months while the capable of carrying two persons, two something was very different! I noted divorce proceedings were in progress. in front and two in back. It’s a true a jet of water gushing up between During the summer of 1968 the two of four-wheel drive vehicle powered by a my legs from an open drain hole! us began planning a fishing trip to Isle sixteen horse Briggs and Stratton air- Unknown to us, the salesman removed Royale, the rarest of all island jewels in cooled engine, which is situated under the drain plugs in both front and rear Lake Superior, which included plans for the driver’s seat. The two passenger/ compartments to let a small amount of using the Mar-Lyn-Sue as our transport cargo compartments are designed to water escape that had earlier splashed ship and floating hotel. I volunteered to swivel independently of each other, thus into the Coot from a wave made by a do all the research and we set our always allowing either the front or rear water ski boat! >

People appreciate getting out into the great outdoor. So do the mosquitoes! Web Sample 35 It was about this time the salesman arrived on the scene. Needless to say, he was not in a good mood! Wes confessed he was the cause of the sinking, but then took the offensive and blamed the salesman for removing the drain plugs without informing us we could no longer use the Coot on Lake Minocqua. The dealership hired scuba divers to retrieve the Coot. The engine was taken apart, cleaned and put back together again, and Wes purchased the beast! The Coot received a number of add-ons prior to our departure for Isle Royale. Removable custom-made car-top carriers were installed to allow a canoe or small boat to be easily hauled to an inland lake or stream. A custom-made cargo box was welded to the rear of the Coot to haul fishing or camping equipment and also allow a small outboard motor to be attached for more maneuverability while traveling on water. A hand winch was added to the front compartment, just in case the Coot should get mired in deep muck or hung up on some large obstacle. By early August all was ready. On August 5, 1969 our long awaited expedition to Isle Royale began. A close friend of Wes’, Pete Peterson, whom I had met earlier, drove north from Milwaukee to my home in St. Germain with the Coot in the bed of his pickup truck. We secured my canoe on the Coot’s canoe racks, I tossed the rest of my gear in the remaining space, and the two of us headed for Hancock, Michigan to rendezvous with Wes and the Mar-Lyn-Sue. The leader of the expedition, Wes, with a crew of three, captain, first mate/chef and cabin boy, were aboard the yacht heading for the marina at Hancock. I shouted an alarm and began a furious search for the Their trip north and west would take them north across missing drain plugs. Neither plug could be located and a Lake Michigan, through the Soo Locks at Sault Ste. Marie, quick look into the rear compartment indicated we were taking Michigan, then westward across Lake Superior to the on a lot of water – very quickly! Wes shifted into reverse in Keweenaw Peninsula. At this point the huge boat would enter an attempt to back out of the lake and up the steep incline, the eastern end of the twisting Portage Lakes Ship Canal that but we had already taken on too much water. The Coot was bisects the Keweenaw, which would take them to our agreed headed for the bottom of Davy Jones Locker! upon rendezvous location. Wes used his long legs to leap out of the driver’s seat into The detailed story of our adventure is recorded in my eighth the rear compartment and then jumped to dry land, which book, “Musky Madness and Other Non-Lethal Afflictions”, was only a few feet away. I was much slower to react, due which was published in 2009. But I need to include one to the fact I was still attempting to locate the drain plugs! So, portion of that story, which actually made headlines in the I ended up wading to shore just as the Coot slipped beneath Houghton-Hancock daily paper! the waves into fifteen feet of water! The Mar-Lyn-Sue arrived late in the afternoon of August By the time I began crawling up the steep, rocky incline, 5th, and with a great deal of difficulty, due to the boats size, a crowd was already gathering along the top of the eventually was able to dock at the marina in Hancock by embankment and cars traveling U.S. 51 were stopping along occupying three normal sized boat slips. The news of the the right-of-way discharging additional curious onlookers. arrival of a huge pleasure craft drew dozens of curious My pal, Wesley, was standing among the growing throng, onlookers to the marina and rumors began flying as to who completely dry and calmly smoking a cigarette with a grin on owned the beautiful ship and where it might be heading. his face! Wes decided we needed more supplies and sent Pete and It was at this point a State Trooper pulled up and turned I to a local sporting goods store to stock up on a number of on his squad’s flashing lights! Being wet up to my waist, and various fishing, camping and outdoor cooking items. Wes not yet up on level land, the officer suspected I must be a penciled a list on a piece of paper and shoved a wad of person of interest in what he assumed had been some sort of hundred dollar bills in my hand. With a grin on his face, he vehicle related accident. With citation book in hand he asked told Pete and I to go shopping while he and the on-board chef if I had driven a car off the road and into the lake! Wesley began preparing our lobster dinner. continued to smoke his cigarette, and by the expression on As I was paying the bill at the sporting goods store the clerk his face it was evident he was experiencing much humor in asked if we were from the big boat docked at the marina. I the situation! Hell, what are friends for anyway? told him that indeed we were. The clerk then asked where After I explained to the officer what had happened, without we were heading, as most of the items we purchased hinted implicating the actual driver of the Coot, he folded his to the fact the folks on the boat were going somewhere to fish citation book and drove away after informing me he had no and camp. I poked Pete in the ribs, winked at him and quickly jurisdiction over accidents involving ATVs and/or watercraft. make up an unbelievable story. 36 Web Sample I love the open water. But I can’t cheer for open drain plugs! With a nonchalant, matter of fact attitude, I told the clerk northwestward on the Portage Lakes Ship Canal towards its the boat was owned by a major oil company and we were western outlet into Lake Superior. engineers headed for Isle Royale to do some test drilling for We spent the next five days at Isle Royale, anchored in a oil deposits. The clerks face began turning pale as Pete and small bay named Hay Bay, along the island’s southern shore, I headed for the door. where we did a bit of fishing and explored a small portion of At this point I must add the fact Isle Royale is a National the island. It was a delightful trip and worth reading about Park and one of the most pristine pieces of real estate on if you can get your hands on the aforementioned book that Earth. It is home to many freshwater lakes and streams, contains a complete record of the adventure! a herd of moose and a pack of gray wolves. There are no The Mar-Lyn-Sue also spent time in the sunny south. Wes humans living on the island, except for a couple of motels and his lovely boat were featured in one of Curt Gowdy’s for summer tourists who travel there to hike, camp and enjoy famed “American Sportsman” TV shows. Curt and Wes, the pristine beauty. Isle Royale is hardly a place where the who were good friends, spent three days off the Dry Tortugas Federal Government would allow someone to drill for oil! Islands fishing for barracuda. Upon our return to the boat I told Wes what I had told the Wes often laughed while recounting a memory concerning clerk and he chuckled loudly while complimenting me on one of his major goof-ups while fighting a huge barracuda. my highly original hoax. However, my practical joke wasn’t “The fish was giving me a real battle and swimming off to my quite so funny the next morning when Pete returned to the left, which was causing the camera crew in a second boat boat with the morning newspaper! It sported bold headlines, to experience trouble following the action. The director of “MYSTERY BOAT HEADED FOR ISLE ROYLE”, followed by the crew hollered at me; ‘Make the fish go to the right!’ “I a smaller declaration, “Major Oil Company to Drill for Oil!” completely ruined the sequence when my reply was duly Amid much haste Wes decided we should get out of town recorded: Tell that to the f---ing fish!” as soon as possible! We even vetoed taking the Coot along Yep, I told you Wes was unique! ∆ and left it in the cargo bed of Pete’s truck. Within an hour the captain and crew had the Mar-Lyn-Sue steaming Next Issue: Philanthropist and Doer of Good Deeds I love to get out in the big lake, where there’s nothing doing every minute! Web Sample 37 Where ethics, welfare, and sustainability meet swine At New Bolton Center’s model pig farm, free-roaming sows are implanted with RFID chips and nourished by organic feed in a facility powered by solar energy.

By Gina Vitale / Photos by Eric Sucar - University of Pennsylvania Thomas Parsons, director of Penn Vet’s Swine Teaching space where solar panels could be effective at harvesting and Research Center, cradles a piglet at the school’s facility energy. The farm has also become certified organic, which on the New Bolton Center campus. Parsons and colleagues means that the pigs receive their nutrients from entirely have worked for years to improve animal welfare and organic feed. environmental sustainability at the swine unit, and with recent The Swine Center’s farming research is starting to have improvements, are setting a new standard for the industry. real impacts on the nearby community. According to Parsons, At Penn Vet’s Swine Unit at New Bolton Center, 500-pound around 60 percent of the sows raised in Pennsylvania are pigs squeal and strut in a sunny outdoor pen. Thomas no longer confined to gestation stalls, more than any state Parsons, professor of swine production medicine and director besides the three that ban the practice. Many of those farms, of the Swine Teaching and Research Center, leans down to Parsons says, are also looking to minimize their use of pat them on their sides as they sniff at his denim overalls. antibiotics. Parsons and his colleagues have spent years crafting and Bob Ruth of Clemens Food Group is one such producer refining their swine unit at Penn with the aim of making pig who has benefited from the expertise of Penn Vet farms more sustainable nationwide. Their “farm of the future,” researchers. Ruth has worked with Parsons and Gary with humane conditions and efficient use of resources, Althouse, associate dean of sustainable agriculture and stands to reshape the environmental and social impacts of veterinary practices, for decades to innovate and modernize raising swine. his company’s large-scale operations. The way Parsons sees it, to define a pig farm as For Gary Althouse, associate dean of sustainable sustainable, it must be both socially acceptable and agriculture and veterinary practices, defining the “farm of economically viable. the future” means looking as much as a half century out, “For most farmers, farming is not a livelihood, it’s a considering how society’s demands and expectations might lifestyle,” Parsons says. “And so if they lose that social shift—and how those changes may impact agricultural license, not only do they lose their livelihood, but they lose practices. their lifestyle.” “It’s a great relationship,” Ruth says. He has invited vet Penn Vet’s model farm also considers environmental students to visit and work on research projects involving sustainability in its operations. Solar panels have been the company’s farms, and in turn receives guidance and installed to help run the facility, and according to the research professional connections that have put him at the leading team, many other pig barns also have south-facing roof edge of the industry. ∆

38 Web Sample A girl will have a faculty for doing well if she has a student body! that just anybody could be privy to this for the first “What’s Growing in Your Garden rather sensitive communication by simply of Virtue?” meeting. It was just fortunate retrieving the office key from the little hook that I found out about the meeting when I tucked behind the frame of the painting accidentally overheard the church secretary of Jesus—you know, the famous painting discussing refreshments with Aggie Putz, of Our Lord, whose eyes follow you who fancied herself the queen of the church around the room—and letting oneself in to kitchen. As usual, Aggie came up with a innocently search for a paperclip. Anyway, pan of lemon bars (that nobody likes), thin Gossip The Devil from I inadvertently excavated the sign-up sheet coffee, and jug of Hawaiian Punch. But Bea Goes to Pot and noted that most Y4Cs mentees had that’s beside the point. The point is that I Righteous already been matched up with a BUMC was not notified of the meeting and had it (Planting the Seeds adult mentor. All except one: the notorious not been for my keen hearing, I would have of Virtue) pie-snitcher Sammy Snert. The Snert missed it altogether, which would have set a family resides at the Doobie Trailer and RV bad example for the youth who, incidentally, Part 1 Park, an eyesore located just outside of were rudely fiddling around with their cell blight zoning ordinances. Earlene Snert, a phones and rolling their eyes at one another. As pontificated single mother whose scruples are beyond Sammy did not have a phone, but was his to Terri Martin redemption, serves cocktails and “performs” usual truculent self, slumped in his chair, at a disreputable liquor establishment called eyes closed. of L’Anse, MI The Purple Fox, which features a wicked When I told Master Snert to shape up, his looking neon purple-ish fox undulating over eyes opened and he said, “What ya gonna the doorway. I have it on good authority that do, trip me again? Ma could use a new car, it is within this fertile hunting ground that so go ahead.” Then he snickered, took a Earlene Snert finds the male component for bite of a lemon bar, screwed up his face, t last there seems to be a glimmer her (at-last-count-six) offspring. Sammy falls and threw the remainder of the bar back on ofA hope for the hopeless (a/k/a Sammy somewhere in the middle of the unruly pack the plate, teeth marks and all. Snert) thanks to the vigilant oversight of and is likely the spawn of the devil hisself, Pastor Goode cleared his throat. Seven those (a/k/a Yours Truly) called to lead the who no doubt is a regular patron of The Y4Cs had shown up for the meeting. Of dimwitted to enlightenment. But as usual, I Purple Fox. Ms. Snert not only possesses those seven, six were busy texting or am getting ahead of this rather inspirational loose morals, but also harbors a greedy side playing games on their phones. Pastor story of how a surly youth—one previously (the 11th deadly sin) as evidenced by her Goode picked up a basket, which had the destined to take that slippery slope into the lawsuit against BUMC when Sammy, while message “Basket of Woe” attached to the devil’s lair—is dipping his toe into the river of fleeing with a pecan pie that he purloined side. He gave each mentee transgressor salvation. from a church potluck, slipped and fell and a frosty look and held the basket under Every year, Pastor Goode of the cut open his lip. their noses until they relinquished their Budworm United Methodist Church (BUMC), Ultimately, the church’s insurance phones into the depths of “woe.” Tragically, asks the model adult congregants—such company settled and the Snert clan moved all of the adult mentors, except of course as I, Bea Righteous—to mentor our young into their new double-wide mobile home myself, were likewise diddling around with people in our Youth for Christ (Y4C) (with carport) at the Doobie Trailer and RV their phones and after a stony stare from program. This year’s program dares query: Park. I absolve myself of any blame for this the pastor, reluctantly added them to the “What Grows in your Garden of Virtue?” past incident. While it was true that I was Basket of Woe. He now more or less had It’s a mentor/mentee assignment and giving chase to the little thief, I in no way everyone’s attention. Even Sammy, who technically a summer-long commitment caused his injury. In spite of this, I received was slouched so low he was in danger that ends with a church potluck picnic and nothing short of a shunning from my fellow of disappearing under the table, looked award ceremony during which certificates BUMC congregants for several months until, through slitted eyelids at the minister. are presented to the participants—at least at last, the Snert lawsuit faded into memory The pastor took to pacing. We watched in those who survive. The challenge is to due to the eruption of squabbling over silence, waiting to hear the Word. keep the little Y4C heathens corralled lest kitchen renovations. “WHAT ARE YOU GROWING!!” He they slip their tethers and stray from path Anyway, undoubtedly, Pastor Goode was bellowed, making us all jump. of righteousness into the tangled jungle of waiting for the right moment to approach me “Is it fertile or fallow? Let me tell you a debauchery. Well, nobody said that God’s about mentoring Sammy Snert. Clearly, I little story,” he continued. I for one liked his work was easy, so the mentors (those who was the only candidate to have the strength stories. Very inspiring. However, I believe I manage to hold their mental wherewithal and fortitude to eradicate the evil sprouting detected a few subtle groans from some of together) stalwartly tarry forth into the jaws within the little imp and replace it with seeds the others. of perdition to extract those mentees who of virtue as implied by the project’s name. “When I was a boy, I joined the 4H Club.” have strayed and guide—or in some cases I thought I’d save the good Reverend the “Wha’ th’ f—heck’s that?” Sammy said. drag— them back to a life of rectitude. awkwardness of approaching me and took “I’m glad you asked, Sammy. You see it is I would like to think it was an oversight that the liberty of signing my name adjacent to a wholesome organization for youth, offering I was not personally approached by Pastor the Snert youth. Frankly, I was surprised opportunities to engage in service-based Goode to serve as a Y4Cs mentor, which he was even a candidate for cultivation in activities that help build character. Anyway, I have selflessly done since the program’s the Garden of Virtue. However, if anyone typically 4H Clubs. . .” inception. It was fortunate that while looking could whip the little heathen into shape, it “Who’s H?” Sammy interrupted. for a paper clip somewhere in the disaster was me. Likely, the Snert boy was ordered “Pardon me,” Pastor Goode said. area that served as the church secretary’s by the juvenile court to find some type “You said it was for H. Who’s H?” desk, I discovered the Y4C mentor program of community service or go into lockup “No, son, it’s not that. The four Hs stand sign-up sheet buried beneath a pile of (again), and as usual his lazy mother, who for Head, Heart, Hand, and Health. Anyway, catalogs and churchy mail along with apparently felt no remorse for causing a hike when I was a boy, I wanted to build a . . .” some interesting and highly confidential in BUMC insurance premiums, expected the Sammy again. “So, I still don’t get what information from the Bishop about some church to oversee the fulfillment of the court it’s got to do with growing stuff in a garden. improprieties occurring at a sister Methodist order. I mean like shouldn’t it be like seeds, water, Church involving several of the thirteen Pastor Goode seemed quite surprised grow lights, fertilizer and stuff?” deadly sins. Heavens! I was quite horrified (pleasantly so, I’m sure), when I showed up Pastor Goode was a bit perplexed, and God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done Web Sample 39 I admit so was I. A couple of phones pinged He chuckled, but it was mirthless. “No, vegetables for the children. I may have from the Basket of Woe. All eyes (except of Malory, not a fruit hybrid.” rushed to judgment about Sammy’s mother. course mine) shifted to look longingly at the This story was getting way off track. Also, “Well, Sammy, tell me more about what basket. children did not understand big words like your family is growing,” I said. “Perhaps “Well, yes, growing plants does require sustenance, tangible, hybrid, or virtue for we could incorporate your efforts into our those things. But I wanted to build a coffee that matter. Likely most of the adults didn’t Garden of Virtue. table out of birds eye maple. . .” either whereas I, Bea Righteous, attended “Yea, sure,” Sammy said as he picked at “Ma’s real good at that—growing plants?” business school for young ladies and the dirt under his thumbnail. “Well we got a Sammy, again. accumulated quite a vocabulary during my good variety goin’ in th’ trailer. Pretty soon “That’s delightful, Sammy. Of course, tenure there. we’ll move it to the greenhouse.” to grow virtue requires something a little “Anyway,” Pastor Goode said, “let’s pair “Greenhouse?” different. Anyway, back to the 4-H Club. up and find a quiet spot to work on your “Sure, once it warms up. We start the You see, I wanted to build a coffee table out garden of virtue. You can grow something, seeds in th’ trailer, then move the plants to of birds eye maple, but you had to do two raise something, build something, bake the greenhouse. We don’t put stuff out in the projects, and one had to be agricultural, so I something, or simply do something that open ‘cause people will steal ya blind.” decided to raise some chickens.” builds or grows virtue. And while doing it, A shame, people needed to steal “Is that where you got the bird’s eyes?” you should emerge a more virtuous and tomatoes and zucchini and such out of a Once again, Sammy, but we were all getting compassionate youth.” garden. Surely there were food banks and a little confused. What did chickens or More big words. Oh well, I think we all got of course the ever-popular government coffee tables for that matter have to do with his drift. largess to help stock the larders of the less virtue? One of the mentors raised her hand. fortunate. “Turns out the chickens laid eggs and “Yes, Martha,” he said. “We got the best shit in th’ county, maybe were quite successful, but the coffee table “Okay, the handout said that we needed the whole U.P.,” Sammy said rather proudly. never worked out. I couldn’t get the legs to keep a journal. . .” “Watch your language,” young man. “How even, and kept cutting them trying to level “Handout? I never received such about we call it our Harvest of Love?” it, and pretty soon, I had a table only fit for literature,” I sniffed. “Whatever,” Sammy said, slumping back Japanese style. You know, were you have “Well, Bea,” Pastor Good said, “I did not down, eyelids drooping. to sit on pillows on the floor and drink tea know you were, ah, going to be mentoring “So, tell me Samuel, what varieties of from tiny cups? Pretty useless for my family this year. I had thought that perhaps I would tomatoes do you grow?” since my mother had bad arthritis and could pair up with Sammy here.” “Huh? We ain’t got, er, yea, sure no more sit on the floor than fly to the moon. Sammy’s eyes shot open and I swear I tomatahs. Well, we gots your Acapulco But anyway, the chickens provided us with got a glance of the devil hisself in the boy’s Gold, and some Blue Dream and, ah. . .” sustenance, which proves that when one eyes. Or perhaps he was just reacting to “Do tomatoes come in blue?” I asked. “I door closes, another opens.” a bad aftertaste from the combination of have seen yellow.” “Sustan what?” Sammy said. lemon bar and Hawaiian Punch. “How the f. . . heck, I mean, not Blue “Look it up,” said Pastor Goode, rather “Ah, gee Pastor, me and Miss Right-Ass, Dream, but Wet Dream varieties. I got lots of tartly I might add. er Righteous, could do okay,” Sammy said. those.” More pinging from the basket. “long as she don’t shove me down again.” “Indeed?” “I ain’t got no phone to look stuff up,” “As long as you don’t steal or commit any “Uh huh. Ma says that the Blue—I mean Sammy muttered. other sins!” I retorted. Wet Dream plants ‘r good for medicinal and “Anyway, the point is, um. Well, the “A match made in heaven,” muttered the recreational.” point is that while you may grow flowers minister. “I’ll be in my office. Praying.” “What about other vegetables?” I said. or vegetables in your garden, there is We broke up and met in our appointed “Huh?” said my grubby little charge as something else that grows as well, and it’s pairs. I eyed my charge who curled up his he polished off his plastic cup of Hawaiian within you. . .” lip—the scar barely showed—and sneered Punch. Good heavens, this boy was dumber “Major yuck!” said Malory Lipsync at me. “So Mzzzz Righteous, ‘sup?” than the dirt he was picking from under his who was across the table from me. “My “I beg your pardon.” nails. mommy said if I swallow the seeds from a “That’s rich,” he said. “You beggin’ me.” “What-else-do-you-grow?” watermelon, they’ll sprout and a watermelon “It’s an expression, you little heathen.” “Purple Kush,” he said. “It’s real pretty will grow in my tummy. I guess that’s what “Yea? Well express this!” right at harvest.” happened to my older sister, ‘cept she had a He flipped me a middle finger. I ignored I had to assume he was talking about the baby not a watermelon.” the vulgar gesture—this unsavory youth only purple vegetable I could think of, which There was an uncomfortable silence, wouldn’t be pushing my buttons—and noted was eggplant. at least among the adults. We all knew that his fingernails were filthy. “Can I go?” Sammy snarled. “I got stuff to about the pregnant teen Lipsync girl with “What have you been doing, Samuel, do.” a reputation. There was a time when folks working on a car motor?” I said. I felt it “Eventually,” I said. “First we must tried to cover up such an unfortunate was my place as the adult to take the high determine how we can benefit the incident with lovely stories about sending ground and seek some sort of civility. I community and perhaps I could see your the daughter off to finishing school and that intended to receive yet another Certificate of garden.” the newborn she came home with was the Participation at the BUMC summer potluck Sammy’s eyes cut to me. “Nah. Nobody issue of a distant relative who passed away. picnic and this juvenile cretin was not going ‘cept family gets to see it. Least ‘til it’s ready Not that anybody believed it., but it was to stand in the way. for, um, distribution. Getting it all sorted out more comfortable. Today, heavens, these “Naw. I’ve been helpin’ Ma with the is something only Ma and my older brother, girls just pop babies out willy nilly and show growin’,” he said. Matthew, can do, ‘cause there’s math not one iota of contrition. In that I had no compunction to build, involved. Pastor Goode cleared his throat and raise, bake or otherwise engage in a craft I wanted nothing to do with the sorting or tried to circle us back to the growing virtue or tedious project or activity to benefit some math for that matter. I wasn’t sure how that theme, which was rapidly wilting away. “It’s alleged underserved person or group, I had worked for vegetables and had no burning not something tangible growing,” he said, a spark of interest in what was growing in desire to learn. I remembered my mother “but rather something you can’t see, like . . .” the Snert garden this spring. Perhaps they once trying to can tomatoes. It did not go “A tangible?” Said Miss Malory. “Is that were supplementing their food stamps—or well and I recall that the pressure cooker like half tangerine and half apple?” whatever they were called now—with fresh exploded, depositing a starburst pattern 40 Web Sample “Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration.” - Lou Erickson of red tomato residue throughout the entire kitchen. “Actually, I could skip the growing and harvest Right ON part and we could reunite when it’s time to distribute,” I said. “Perhaps we could do a farmer’s market here Brother at the church and give a portion of the proceeds to help feed the hungry.” I was certain that such a clever Friar idea would earn me and the Snert lad the Special Holymaki Recognition Award, which had eluded me in years past. “I’d have to ask Ma. Usually her ol’ man, Hazzy, does the distribution. He’s The following was written by a bouncer at The Purple Ben Stein and recited by him on Fox.” CBS Sunday Morning Commentary It seemed odd to me that such a seedy- sounding character would My confession: be interested in selling vegetables. Perhaps he don’t like getting pushed around for being had some sort of black Ia Jew, and I don’t think Christians like getting market or “green” market pushed around for being Christians. I think (I chucked to myself at my people who believe in God are sick and tired know right from wrong, and why it doesn’t cleverness) for the Snert of getting pushed around, period. I have bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, tomatoes, eggplant, and no idea where the concept came from, that probably zucchini, which and themselves. was known to be prolific. America is an explicitly atheist country. I can’t Probably, if we think about it long and hard “So, can I go?” Sammy find it in the Constitution and I don’t like it enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a said, standing up. “I’ll ask being shoved down my throat... great deal to do with ‘WE REAP WHAT WE Ma if we can sell some Or maybe I can put it another way: where SOW.’ of the stuff at the church did the idea come from that we should Funny how simple it is for people to trash and, you know, give away worship celebrities and we aren’t allowed to God and then wonder why the world’s going some of the take. Will you worship God as we understand Him? I guess to hell. Funny how we believe what the sign this paper from my that’s a sign that I’m getting old, too. But there newspapers say, but question what the Bible probation officer? It says are a lot of us who are wondering where says. Funny how you can send ‘jokes’ through that I showed up so’s they these celebrities came from and where the e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when won’t send me to the juvie.” America we knew went to. you start sending messages regarding the I suggest that you stay in In light of the many jokes we send to one touch with me, Samuel, and Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny keep me apprised of how another for a laugh, this is a little different: how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles the growing is going,” I said This is not intended to be a joke; it’s not pass freely through cyberspace, but public as I scribbled my signature funny, it’s intended to get you thinking. discussion of God is suppressed in the school on his paper. “I can always In light of recent events... terrorists attack, and workplace. rescind this,” I added as I school shootings, etc.. I think it started Are you laughing yet? gave him the paper. when Madeleine Murray O’Hare (she was Funny how when you forward this “Yea, sure,” he muttered. murdered, her body found a few years ago) message, you will not send it to many on your I watched the little urchin complained she didn’t want prayer in our address list because you’re not sure what leave and noticed that schools, and we said OK. Then someone said they believe, or what they will think of you for those who remained in the you better not read the Bible in school... The sending it. room had retrieved their Bible says thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not Funny how we can be more worried about phones and were pecking steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And away at them, ignoring what other people think of us than what God one another. Oh yes, Team we said OK. thinks of us. Righteous would be on top Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn’t Pass it on if you think it has merit. with this one come August spank our children when they misbehave, If not, then just discard it... no one will when the Harvest of Love because their little personalities would be know you did. But, if you discard this thought came to fruition. warped and we might damage their self- process, don’t sit back and complain about esteem (Dr. Spock’s son committed suicide). what bad shape the world is in. To be continued next issue. We said an expert should know what he’s My Best Regards, Honestly and . . talking about.. And we said okay.. respectfully, Ben Stein Watch for Part II— Now we’re asking ourselves why our The Devil Goes to Pot children have no conscience, why they don’t Follow Frair Holymaki on Facebook at: (Coming to Fruition) www.facebook.com/RockRiverSC

“How do you compare apples and oranges? By their nutritional value.” - Marshall Elizer Web Sample 41 pain of losing my ring stayed with me as we headed home to Maryland later that day. Fast forward 11 years later. I am checking the voicemails on my phone one evening this past July and I have a Friar message left by someone named Charlie Virga who is looking Holymaki for me because he found my ring on a beach in Florida. I am a little confused--I didn’t lose a ring in Florida--so I listened to the message again. The gentleman says that he is looking for me, Arthur Glover, because he has my ring and wants to return it. Chills run through my body. Can this be true? The ring I lost in 2007 has been found and someone wants to return it to me? I decided to return Charlie’s call. I tell him that, yes, I am the Arthur Glover that he is looking for and that it is my ring The that he found. Charlie than shares the story about how the ring was given to him in Florida by a family friend. When he Lost saw my name and the submarine dolphin insignia on the ring, he just knew that he had to get it back to me. You see, Charlie had a brother who gave his life on one of Ring the 52 submarines that were lost during World War II. What’s By Dr. Arthur D. Glover, LCDR, USN (ret) more, like me, Charlie served his country in the United States (This story first appeared in “American Submariner” magazine, Navy during wartime. So now, we have a connection: Me, Second Quarter 2019 edition and used with permission) a Vietnam, Cold War, and Iraq War-era submarine veteran; With all the crazy news that is happening in the world Charlie, a Korean War veteran; and Charlie’s brother, a World today, it is nice to hear a story with a happy conclusion. In the War II submarine hero! Three men who have honorably Gospels, Jesus gave us three stories about people who lost served their country, who also all hail from New York, have a things. In Luke 15:8-10, Jesus tells us of the women who lost connection through my lost ring. a coin. She had ten silver coins but lost only one. Yet she lit My ring was returned this past July. I called Charlie to a lamp, and she swept her house as she carefully searched thank him for returning it to me. I called him “a shipmate” and for the coin until she found it. When she finally found the “my new friend” and I made it my mission to visit him on Long coin, she called her friends and neighbors and asked them to Island. This past Labor Day weekend, I made the trip to visit rejoice with her because she found her lost coin. my family and my new shipmate, Charlie Virga. In another story, Jesus tells of the shepherd who had 100 We (my wife Carole and my sister Mags) spent nearly sheep and lost one. The shepherd leaves the 99 sheep to three hours visiting with Charlie and his wife Madelyn in search for that one lost sheep. When he finds it, he asks their beautiful home in West Babylon, New York. Charlie all his friends to rejoice with him because he found his lost and Madelyn have been in love for 61 years and have lived sheep. in the same beautiful home for 50 years. They raised five Finally, Jesus tells of the lost son. In this story, the son wonderful children and several grandchildren, as well. Charlie wants his inheritance from his father now! The son promptly owns a boat that he has had since 1975 and takes it out on leaves home, loses all his money, and suffers through a weekends with family friends. He also teaches boating safety. severe famine. Finally, down and out with hunger pains and Charlie owns a book about submarines, a book about the 52 eating the slop of pigs, he gets up and returns home to his submarines lost during World War II, and his Cruise Book father. When his father saw his son in the distance, he ran from his around-the-world deployment when he served in the to his son, embraced him, and commanded his servants to U.S. Navy. throw a party in his son’s honor--his son was lost, but now As we spent time that weekend sharing our experiences was found. in the Navy and reliving the story of how Charlie came to This brings us to my own story of a lost item: my United acquire my long-lost ring, the wonderful, warm, and friendly States Navy ring that I had worn practically every day since spirit of Charlie and Madelyn impressed me. Not many people 1998. The ring, with a brilliant blue stone, displayed my years would go the lengths that Charlie did to locate and return of service, my initials, and the submarine dolphin insignia. the ring to me at no cost. In his search, he called the Navy, Back in the summer of 2007, my family and I were at Long checked with the Veterans Administration, various veteran’s Beach (http://bit.ly/2HZu4tr) on Long Island, New York. The organizations, and ring companies. However, a Google trip to the beach was a Sunday surprise by my foster sister search led him to my online biography, which was how he Marguerite (who we fondly call Mags). I asked my wife to was finally able to come in contact with me--Charlie is truly a keep an eye on my ring while I waded in the water to join my shipmate! granddaughter Kyashia, who was out playing on the sand It is my hope that Charlie, Madelyn, and I can remain bars. I left my ring in the cup holder of one of our beach friends forever because my ring that was lost has been found chairs. For some reason I can no longer remember, we had to and I can rejoice with new friends like Charlie and Madelyn. move to another section of the beach--and we were gathering Note: Charlie’s brother gave his life on the USS Robalo our belongings, I realized that the cup holder was empty and (SS 273). His name was Ciro Robert Virga, Fireman First my ring was nowhere to be found. I was devastated, and the Class. http://bit.ly/2FAbftF

42 Web Sample “The worship most acceptable to God comes from a thankful and cheerful heart.” - Plutarch (46-120 A.D.) The USS Silversides (SS-236) in Muskegon, is Michigan’s proud memorial honoring the 375 officers and 3,131 enlisted men who were lost on patrol, in 52 American submarines, during World War Two - here is their stories

Clearing New London, Connecticut, on September 18, 1943, Corvina arrived at Pearl Harbor on October 14. She put out from Pearl Harbor on her maiden war patrol November 4, topped off her fuel tanks at Johnston Island two days later, and was never heard from again. Her assignment had been a dangerous one: to patrol as closely as possible to the heavily guarded stronghold of Truk and to intercept any Japanese sortie endangering the forthcoming American invasion of the Gilbert Islands. Japanese records report that Japanese submarine I-176 launched three torpedoes at an enemy submarine south of Truk on November 16, claiming two hits which resulted in the explosion of the target. Her loss with her crew of 82 was announced March 14, 1944, making Corvina the only American submarine to be sunk by a Japanese submarine in the entire war. > USS Albacore (SS-218) USS Amberjack (SS-219) USS Argonaut (SS-166) USS Barbel (SS-316) PINES RESORT TAYLOR BERRY PATCH PARADISE & ZIK’S BAR MARKET GIFTS & BAKERY RECREATION COPPER HARBOR, MI HELMER, MI PARADISE, MI PARADISE, MI

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USS Corvina (SS-226) USS Darter (SS-227) USS Dorado (SS-248) USS Escolar (SS-294) SPONSOR SPONSOR NORTHERN FORGE HOLIDAY NEEDED NEEDED LT. ERIK HESS CALL ROBIN CALL ROBIN ARTIST BLACKSMITH STATION 231-547-4245 STORES 906-361-0269 906-361-0269 USS Abraham Lincoln SSBN 602 I took a look at my passport picture and decided I looked too sick to travel! Web Sample 43 1- Allison, Defoie PO 3 Spartanburg, SC 42- Madison, Gordon O PO 2 Brooklyn, NY 2- Asher, Josephus M PO 3 Mission Beach, CA 43- Maier, Marvin L FN Bryan, OH 3- Atwood, John D Ensign Pittsburgh, PA 44- Maloney, Thomas J PO 3 New Britain, CT 4- Baran, Stephen SN Wilmington, DE 45- Manning, James R SN Schenectady, NY 5- Beaudette, Lloyd W Chief Milford, CT O 46- Mautner, Matthew PO 1 New York, NY 6- Britt, Harold N PO 2 El Dorado AR 47- McHolland, Forrest O PO 2 Ava, MO 7- Brooks, Russell A PO 1 Cleveland, OH N 48- Meizlik, Marvin H PO 3 Brooklyn. NY 8- Busby, Marvin J PO 2 River Falls, WI 49- Micha, Max F PO 1 Stanford, CT 9- Busch, William R PO 3 Oak Ridge, TN 50- Miller,Virgil A PO 1 New Haven, CT 10- Chewning, William M LT Marblehead, MA 51- Murphy, Daniel F jr SN Chicago. IL 11- Clark, James G, jr PO 2 Los Angeles, CA E 52- Nesbitt, Harvey L PO 1 Poquonock Bridge, CT 12- Curtiss, Glenn R PO 3 Batesville, AR 53- Ocumpaugh, Edmond IV LT New Heaven, CT 13- Dalton, Elwood A PO 1 Lynchburg, VA T 54- Oliver, Paul C PO 3 Drexel Hill, PA 14- Daugherty, George W jr SN Orlando, FL 55- Osburn, Randell W PO 3 Hot Springs, NM 15- Ek, James R SN Effingham, IL E 56- Pitarys, Soterios J Coxswain Nashua, NH 16- Emerick, John W PO 1 Des Moines, IA 57- Reardon, Robert J FN Cambridge, MA 17- Ennis, Robert E jr PO 1 Norwich, CT R 58- Redman, John L PO 3 Milford, CT 18- Fahey, James M FN Sioux City, IA N 59- Roak, James B LT San Antonio, TX 19- Finske, Robert W PO 3 Michigan City, IN 60- Robb, Arthur F PO 1 Norwich, CT 20- Fiorot, Enrico B PO 3 Old Forge, PA A 61- Roberts, Maxwell H PO 1 Norfolk, VA 21- Floyd, Richard L SN Mannington, WV 62- Rooney, Roderick S CMDR (CO) Eastport, MD 22- Foster, Ernest L Chief Ottumwa, IA L 63- Rosta, John PO 3 Perth Amboy, NJ 23- Foster, Norman B PO 3 Boston, MA 64- Ryder, Earl M PO 2 Windsor, NY 24- Gabel, George F PO 3 Walworth, WI 65- Schladensky, Paul PO 3 Miami, FL 25- Ghent, Charles C jr PO 1 Carterville, IL 66- Schless, Leon L PO 1 San Francisco, CA 26- Green, Delbert L jr Chief Sanford, ME P 67- Schuldt, Gale M SN Van Wert, IA 27- Grisham, Sidney E Chief Denton, TX 68- Schulz, Walter K PO 1 Holyoke, MA 28- Hale, Bill D Chief Harrold, TX A 69- Simunaci, Francis W PO 1 New Castle, PA 29- Hall, Donald K PO 2 Axtell, KS 70- Slagle, William R SN Exeter, MO 30- Halpin, Joseph E jr PO 3 Merchantville, NJ T 71- Sloan, David K jr LTCMDR (XO) Canton, PA 31- Hasty, Alfed W SN San Fernando, CA 72- Smith, Boyd F Chief San Diego, CA 32- Havrilecz, Michael PO 1 Allentown, PA R 73- Smith, James D LTjg Rockwood, TN 33- Hazel, Leon P SN Bloomington, IN 74- St. Aubin, Roger J PO 2 Bridgeport, CT 34- Hemphill, William P jr PO 1 Chattanooga, TN O 75- Sumners, Roy E PO 1 Tehachapi, CA 35- Hotz, Frank D PO 2 Reading, PA 76- Toben, Francis A PO 3 Middletown, NY 36- Jackson, Eddie PO 2 Los Angeles, CA L 77- Thomas, James L PO 3 New Albany, IN 37- Jones, Ernest E PO 3 New Castle, NH 78- Toms, Theodore PO 3 Erie, PA 38- Jordon, Charles F jr PO 3 Yantic, CT 79- Trojan, Carl A PO 2 Greensburg, PA 39- Lense, Leonard N Ensign La Porte, IN 80- Wade, Lawrence R jr PO 3 Orrville, OH 40- Lloyd, Robert D PO 2 Tulsa, OK 81- Williams, Bernard E PO 2 Syracuse, NY 41- Loken,Wallace E PO 2 Valley City, ND 82- Wood, Erwin E Chief New Canaan, CT USS Flier (SS-250) USS Golet (SS-361) USS Grampus (SS-207) USS Grayback (SS-208)

SPONSOR SPONSOR SPONSOR SPONSOR NEEDED NEEDED NEEDED NEEDED CALL ROBIN CALL ROBIN CALL ROBIN CALL ROBIN 906-361-0269 906-361-0269 906-361-0269 906-361-0269 USS Grayling (SS-209) USS Grenadier (SS-210) USS Growler (SS-215) USS Grunion (SS-216) BLUE SKY CASEVILLE SPONSOR Lac La Belle Lodge RESORT FAMILY MARKET NEEDED & Bear Belly Bar CALL ROBIN PORT AUSTIN, MI & PIGEON IGA 906-361-0269 LAC LA BELLE, MI

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USS Lagarto (SS-371) USS Perch (SS-176) USS Pickerel (SS-177) USS Pompano (SS-181) SPONSOR SPONSOR FIFE LAKE SPONSOR NEEDED NEEDED VILLAGE MARKET NEEDED CALL ROBIN CALL ROBIN CALL ROBIN 906-361-0269 906-361-0269 FIFE LAKE, MI 906-361-0269

44 Web Sample You can’t believe everything you hear, but most repeat it anyway and the next day scored a torpedo hit on a large ship, only General Douglas MacArthur’s landing at Leyte Gulf on to receive a severe depth-charging from her target’s escorts. October 20th was anticipated to force the Japanese Imperial She stood by on patrol during the carrier air strikes on Truk Navy into a “showdown” for the Philippines at Leyte Gulf. of 16–17 February, then fueled at Milne Bay on her way to Consequently, a “picket line” of submarines were stationed refit at Brisbane from 29 February-17 March. She suffered south of the Phillipines, on alert for enemy naval forces her only casualty of the war during this refit when Motor which might be northbound from Singapore. McClintock was Machinist’s Mate, Second Class Robert Richard Gould, Jr. directed by COMSUBSOWESPAC to conduct a dual patrol was electrocuted. with Darter and Dace that would cover the western approach to Balabac Straight and the southern approach to Palawan Second patrol Passage. Early in the morning of October 21st, Darter’s radio On her way to her second war patrol north of Western picked up a news broadcast of MacArthur’s landing on New Guinea and south of Davao, Darter topped off fuel at Leyte Island. McClintock reasoned that the enemy fleet from Milne Bay on 21–22 March 1944. On 30 March, she sank a Singapore would probably use the short-cut route to Leyte ship, then patrolled off New Guinea during Allied landings on Gulf -- Balabac Straight. Accordingly, he headed Darter for its coast. She put into Darwin to refuel on 29–30 April, then Balabac, and late that evening radar contact was made on returned to her patrol area until 23 May, when she arrived at three large warships. The ships were traveling at high speed, Manus Island. and although she was unable to overtake them, Darter tracked them for three hours, reporting the contacts. Finally, McClintock abandoned the pursuit and headed southward for Third patrol a rendezvous with Dace. Refitted, she put out for action waters once more on 21 Midnight, October 22-23, the two submarines were within June on her third war patrol off Halmahera and Mindanao. hailing distance of each other when Darter got a radar She sank the IJN minelayer Tsugaru off Morotai on 29 June contact on a task force of heavy ships. They had intercepted 1944, and again endured a heavy depth charge barrage as a the Japanese Imperial Second Fleet -- Vice Admiral Kurita’s result of her attack. battleship force enroute to Leyte Gulf. The main body of the task group consisted of five battleships, including the two super-giants, Yamato and Musashi, a dozen cruisers Fourth patrol and 15 destroyers. Because the whereabouts of this force had been unknown for a week, Darter tracked it until Returning to Brisbane on 8 August 1944, Darter cleared on dawn, during which time three contact reports were sent to her fourth and last war patrol. She searched the Celebes Sea COMSUBSOWESPAC, who passed the information on to and South China Sea, returned to Darwin to fuel and make the U.S. Third and Seventh Fleets, giving as a final estimate minor repairs on 10 September, and put back to the Celebes a task force of eleven heavy ships in two main columns, Sea. She pulled into Mios Woendi on 27 September for surrounded by a screen of destroyers. additional fuel, and sailed on 1 October with Dace to patrol Once the ships were reported, Darter and Dace “fired the South China Sea in coordination with the forthcoming the first shots in the Battle of Leyte Gulf -- the largest Naval invasion of Leyte. She attacked a tanker convoy on 12 Battle in history” when Darter attacked the first two ships in October, and on 21 October headed with Dace for Balabac the western, or left, main column of the task force. With a Strait to watch for Japanese shipping moving to reinforce the salvo of six torpedoes from her bow tubes, Darter sank the Philippines or attack the landing forces. heavy cruiser Atago, Admiral Kurita’s flagship. Then, with > USS R-12 (SS-89) USS Robalo (SS-273) USS Runner (SS-275) USS S-26 (SS-131) PUTVINS DRUG SPONSOR THE NORTHSIDER NEEDED & RADIO SHACK 5208 N RICHMOND ST CALL ROBIN SAUNA GUYS PELKIE, MI MUNISING, MI 906-361-0269 APPLETON, WI

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It takes two to make an engagement - a girl and her anxious mother. Web Sample 45 The Thunderfish then engages, torpedoes, and sinks the anything is settled. As the sub returns from the patrol, Japanese sub, avenging the loss of the Corvina. they spot a Japanese freighter, but again their torpedoes fail to explode. The enemy ship raises the white flag, and Movie Plot Thunderfish surfaces and approaches. The freighter turns During World War II, the submarine USS Thunderfish, out to be a heavily armed Q-ship that opens fire on the sub. under the command of CDR John T. “Pop” Perry (Ward Mortally wounded, Captain Perry orders the boat to crash Bond), while on a special mission to the Philippines takes dive, knowing that he will not be able to get below before she charge of a group of nuns and children, including a newborn submerges. infant nicknamed “Butch”, transporting them to Pearl Harbor. With the sub now under Duke’s command, he takes the On their way, the sub sights a Japanese aircraft carrier and offensive against the Q-ship. He notifies the crew that the attacks, but its torpedoes malfunction, exploding halfway boat will “battle surface” after moving into position to attack to the target. Pursued by the carrier’s escort destroyers, the ship. Then, upon surfacing the Lieutenant Commander Thunderfish manages to escape. orders the boat’s deck guns and anti-aircraft guns, as well as While in Pearl Harbor, the ship’s Executive Officer, LCDR numerous portable light and mountable heavy machine guns Duke E. Gifford (John Wayne) goes to visit Butch at the operated by the deck crew, to fire at will. After the Q-ship’s base hospital, and runs into his ex-wife, LTJG Mary Stuart engines are disabled and deck on fire, Duke orders flank (Patricia Neal), a Navy nurse, and they kiss passionately. speed, ramming the boat into the Japanese ship, holing the Unfortunately, Mary is now romantically involved with Navy engine room and sinking the Q-ship. pilot LTJG Bob Perry (Philip Carey), Pop’s younger brother. Thunderfish, with her forward torpedo room seriously Duke pursues Mary anyway, but is sent to sea again before damaged but flooding contained, limps back to port. Back at

USS Sealion (SS-195) USS Seawolf (SS-197) USS Shark #1 (SS-174) USS Shark #2 (SS-314) SUNDAY LAKE SPONSOR Capt. H.M. ANDERSON, Ret Capt. H.M. ANDERSON, Ret SUPER MARKET NEEDED Commanding Officer Commanding Officer CALL ROBIN USS Shark (SSN-589) USS Shark (SSN-589) WAKEFIELD,MI 906-361-0269 1979 - 1983 1979 - 1983

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46 Web Sample PATIENCE: What you have when there are too many witnesses. Pearl Harbor, Bob Perry believes that Duke’s order to dive the boat killed his brother, and he refuses to listen to Duke’s explanation. Mary tries to comfort Duke, but he rejects her attempts, declaring he only did his duty and feels no regret. Working with the sub base’s torpedo specialists, Duke and the crew of the Thunderfish undertake an investigation to find out why the torpedoes are not exploding. When they finally discover the answer, Duke goes to Mary to celebrate, but she rejects him. Since he wouldn’t let her into his life when he was at his lowest, she feels that they cannot have a real relationship. Her superior, Cmdr. Steele (Kathryn Givney), overhears the conversation and castigates Mary for throwing away her chance for happiness with Duke. Once again, Thunderfishheads out to sea, this time finding a Japanese fleet heading for Leyte to savage the American invasion force there. Even though it will reveal their presence, Duke broadcasts the fleet’s position. Once Pearl Harbor acknowledges the message, Duke salvoes his torpedoes and makes a run for it, throwing the attacking Japanese warships into chaos. Battered by Japanese depth charges, Thunderfish manages to sink a Japanese aircraft carrier. In the battle’s next phase, American carrier aircraft arrive and attack the Japanese fleet. Thunderfish, now assigned to lifeguard duty, helps to rescue shot down American flyers, and does so while under attack from Japanese fighters. While rescuing LT Bob Perry, the Chief of the Boat and Junior, a seaman from a Navy family, are killed and Duke is wounded by a strafing Japanese Zero. When the Thunderfish returns to Pearl Harbor after the patrol, Mary is waiting for Duke. The two, reconciled, head to the hospital, intending to adopt Butch.

Production The film’s opening foreword and dedication states: “When the Pacific Fleet was destroyed by the Japanese sneak attack on Pearl Harbor, it remained for the submarines to carry the war to the enemy. In the four years that followed, our undersea craft sank six million tons of Japanese shipping The scene where Commander Perry (Bond) is killed in including some of the proudest ships of the Imperial Navy. a surface action is a combination of two incidents involving Fifty-two of our submarines and thirty-five hundred officers Commander Howard W. Gilmore, captain of USS Growler. and men were lost. It is to these men and the entire Silent Mortally wounded on the bridge, Gilmore gave the order Service that this picture is humbly dedicated”. “Take her down!”, sacrificing himself to save his boat and The special mission shown at the beginning of the crew, for which he was posthumously awarded the Medal movie, in which Navy submarines ran war supplies into the of Honor. The ramming and sinking of the armed freighter Philippines and evacuated civilians, while idealized is a depicted in the scene occurred in the same action, just prior matter of historic record. By the time of the invasion of the to Gilmore’s death. Philippines in 1944, these supply runs had enabled American During Operation Pacific’s action sequences, for the film’s and Philippine Army officers who had refused to surrender to music score, composer Max Steiner incorporates dramatic build a military organization in the islands that was the size of music stances from his classic score for RKO’s King Kong. an army corps. Warner Brothers also recycled Steiner’s main theme music The numerous problems with the Mark 14 torpedo and its from the 1948 movie Fighter Squadron as the main theme for Mark VI exploder depicted in the film are accurate. A poorly Operation Pacific. designed and tested firing pin could malfunction on a good The sequence where the Thunderfish discovers the hit (that is, a torpedo striking within about 45 degrees of Imperial Japanese fleet of carriers, battleships, and cruisers perpendicular to the side of the target). Poor hits (at a very steaming through Suriago Strait was inspired by the actions sharp angle to the side of the ship) could often produce more of the USS Darter and USS Dace in the opening phase of the reliable explosions. Diagnosing the problem actually did Battle of Leyte Gulf. ∆ occur in a similar manner after 20 months of repeated failures Credits for this article: Photos - oneternalpatora.com • moviepictures.org. • in combat. Submarine crews were involved in the testing, allmovies.com • modelshipsinthemovies.com. Warner Brothers - Text from: although not in the capacity shown in the film. wikipedia.org. and oneternalpatrol.com Let’s stop sending money to other countries and let them hate us for free Web Sample 47