SPECIAL FALL ISSUE
No. It • 67 m Dec. '61 • r \ CHEAP "I take Bayar "I take Bayar "I take Bayar "I don't take Bayar because competition because aggravation because the decline because I get plain from other aspirins from my client is in value of my stock just-as-good aspirin is giving me that giving me that gut- is giving me that much cheaper, which anxious feeling of ripping feeling of panicky feeling of gives me a feeling of NAUSEA!" ULCERS!" HYSTERIA!" THRIFT!"
EEDS FAST RELIEF!
...disastrous rumors about all aspirins being alike is causing company GREAT CONCERN
YOU CAN'T imagine how sick the Bayar people are about this vicious rumor. How can anyone be stupid enough to think all aspirins arc alike? Just look at all the ex BAYAR tras Bayar gives! Can other aspirins match these? Do they have cute little tin boxes? No! Can their names ASPI Rl N be spelled horizontally and vertically, meeting in the middle on each pill? No! Do they have lovely ads show ing the human body with clever glass guts? No! All they give is plain, gov't-approved aspirin, the same as we Men who know medicine recommend aspirin. The trouble is, they never recommend Bayar by name — despite the billions of free give! Now think it over: isn't it worth paying four or samples we send them . . . because aspirin is aspirin, darn it! live times more for all our wonderful extras? - - No?? NUMBER 67 DECEMBER 1961 VITAL FEATURES ARMY ROCKET BELT DEVELOPED.. 4 The Army is proud of its amazing new rocket belt- but the G. I.'s have doubts as to whether they'll be "Petting is one game where the players prefer to stay on the bench!" put into orbits —or obits. - Alfred E. Neuman
PUBLISHER: William M. Gaines EDITOR: Albert B. Feldstein DO-IT-YOURSELF MAG COVERS... .10 ART DIRECTOR: John Putnam PRODUCTION: Leonard Brenner Now you can be a big-time EDITORIAL ASSOCIATES: Jerry De Fuccio, Nick Meglin magazine editor, and put LAWSUITS: Martin J. Scheiman PROPAGANDA MINISTER: Larry Gore together the new issue's SUBSCRIPTIONS: Gloria Orlando, Celia Morelli, Anthony Giordano cover that looks exactly CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS: ike last issue's cover. The Usual Gang of Idiots
DEPARTMENTS OPEN OFFICE WEEK 13 "AD" LIBS DEPARTMENT If parents can check on Some Editorial Additions to "Airline Ads" 30, 42 kids by talking to their teachers, why can't kids AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR ENTERTAINER DEPARTMENT check on parents by talk When TV Commercials Take Over Completely 38 ing to their employers? ANTS IN YOUR PLANS DEPARTMENT A MAD Look At Picnics 34 BARTER-UP DEPARTMENT READER'S DIGRESS 23 If Nations Traded People Like Baseball Teams Do 31 /(} '-, s A s't're of the m'g'z'ne BEAT 'EM TO THAT PULP DEPARTMENT 1 K*L •'• v\ that c'nd'ns's e'v'yth'ng MAD'S Do-It-Yourself Magazine Covers 10 / I " | -• ) into s'mple w'ds to m'tch V- '"^Si^&^S *ne int'll'g'nce of those BIG-TIME OPERETTA DEPARTMENT wno r A Day With J.F.K. (a la Gilbert & Sullivan) 43 .Vx ~:'.!si.7'W/ 'd it and sw'r by it. COMMERCIAL VEHICLES ONLY DEPARTMENT Advertising Space On Road Signs 17 IF NATION'S TRADED PEOPLE 31 CONDENSED MILKING DEPARTMENT MAD would like nations Reader's Digress Magazine 23 to trade people like Big DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT League teams do—so we The Pogo-Stick Incident 8 could trade off writers The Prison Mess Hall Riot 48 of articles like this one. 8-BALL IN THE SIDE POCKETBOOK DEPARTMENT Celebrities' Wallets 20 A MAD LOOK AT PICNICS 34 FORWARD, ARCH DEPARTMENT Amazing Military Rocket Belt Developed 4 Let's take a look at that American family pastime JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT ^ enjoyed by all —Mothers, Spy vs. Spy 22 Fathers, Sisters, Uncles LETTERS DEPARTMENT '•4-<0^ :,^\.-. —and especially the Ants. Random Samplings Of Reader Mail 2 MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT MAD's Capsule Movie Reviews ** WHEN TV ADS TAKE OVER 38 RALLY ROUND THE FLAB, BOYS! DEPARTMENT MAD forsees a time when MAD's Physical Fitness Program 28 Mad. Ave. has succeeded in extending commercial USING THE SAME PRINCIPAL DEPARTMENT time until we only have Open Office Week 13 spot entertainment on TV. **Various Places Around The Magazine
MAD — Dec., 1961. Vol. 1, Number 67, is published monthly except February, May, A DAY WITH J. F. K. 43 August and November, by E.C. Publications, Inc., at 850 Third Avenue, New York 22, New York. Second Class Postage paid at New York, N. Y. Subscriptions, 9 issues for $2.00 An up-to-date operetta in in the U.S. Elsewhere. $2.60. Allow 6 weeks for change of address to become effective. Entire contents copyright 1961 by E.C. Publications, Inc. The Publisher and Editors will not be which MAD becomes the responsible for unsolicited manuscripts and request all manuscripts be accompanied by a "Lord High Executioner"— stamped, self-addressed return envelope. The names of characters used in all MAD fiction and semi-fiction are fictitious. A similarity without satiric purpose to a living person is a by murdering some songs coincidence. Printed in U.S.A. of Gilbert and Sullivan. WE LOST OUR LETTERS DEPT. SUMMER TRAVEL ISSUE The "Special Summer Travel Issue" of MOUTHPIECE MAD was exactly that. It traveled straight into the garbage can! James Stephenson WITH Delaware, Ohio
I was appalled at the horrible error on the cover of your "Summer Travel Issue". The inscription on the magnificent edifice should read: "QVID, ME ANXIVS IS OUR FACE RED!? SVM?" and not "QUID, ME ANXIUS Recently, to chide Playboy for bragging SUM?". I always enjoy yovr trvthfvl ovt- about receiving a letter with only their look and the vbiqvity of yovr pvblication. "Rabbit" trade mark for an address, we Trvly yovrs, published a photo of a letter we received Mvrray Falk with only "Alfie's face" for an address. Calgary, Alberta, Can. Well, we goofed! The envelope we received (with postmark and cancelled stamp) had EXAMPLE OF SATIRE been returned to the sender without mark or comment by the Post Office, and he for I just thought you clods might like to warded it to us in another envelope. Due know that your trash is serving an educa to a processing error (our mail is opened tional purpose. Our English teacher en by machine!), the enclosed envelope was courages us to read MAD as an example mistaken for an outside envelope. Sorry, of satire. Playboy. Alfie's face is really red — but Bob Vernon obviously not by enough Post Office em Los Angeles, Calif. ployees!—Ed. Good —or bad? —Ed.
HE STEALS TRASH Because when he saw all the "below-the-belt" SUNDAY COMIC SECTION MAD has finally wormed its way into punches in this llth paperback collection of bureaucratic Washington. The New York the best articles from past issues, our lawyer I mourn the passing of a great literary Times of July 3rd reported: "Senator simply refused to defend us against law suits! publication. As a MAD reader, consist Jacob K. Javits, New York Republican, ently since the first edition, I feel a great received a letter from Michael Bender of NOW ON SALE! epoch in our modern civilization has New Paltz calling for a radical change Or yours by Mail for 40c passed. Because MAD will never be able in national space policy. 'With only to issue anything that will top the "Fourth slight changes in design,' Mr. Bender (use coupon or duplicate) Annual Edition" and its great "Sunday wrote, 'Our present ICBM missiles can Comic Section We'd Like To See"! MAD POCKET DEPARTMENT be converted and used to put Earth's Therefore, I presume that you will now future trash into outer space, the one 850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N. Y. sell your printing presses, and go into place there is enough dumping room. In subliminal "Halavah" advertising. Please send me • FIGHTING MAD time, Earth will take on the appearance P. Nathan Williams of Saturn, with a gigantic ring of garbage Also, please send me: I enclose: Irvington, Calif. around it. Speed in adopting the plan • The MAD Reader • 400 fori is most essential.'" The absurd part, though, is that Sen. Javits liked the idea • MAD Strikes Back! • 750 for 2 The MAD "Sunday Comic Section" is which was swiped word-for-word from • Inside MAD • $1.05 for 3 great. I would have felt terrible if you MAD. Or at least he said he does. The had left me out. • Utterly MAD Times continued: "Senator Javits replied • $1.40 for 4 Charles M. Schulz ("Peanuts") that the plan was 'very interesting' and • The Brothers MAD • $1.75 for 5 Sebastopol, Calif. he would promptly pass it on to the • The Bedside MAD • $2.10 for 6 National Aeronautics and Space Admini • Son of MAD • $2.45 for 7 Re: MAD's maligning of my Mary- stration." You guys should at least de • The Organization MAD it only hurts when 1 laugh . . . but I mand full credit, since this idea was • $2.80 for 8 laughed my fool head off! carried in MAD #56. • Like MAD • $3.15 for 9 Allen Saunders ("Mary Worth") Charles DeLaFuente • The Ides of MAD • $3.50 for 10 Toledo, Ohio Jamaica, N. Y. And if you're really loaded • $3.85 for 11 A CAST OF THOUSANDS-A SALE OF THIRTY-TWO! NAME ...which means we got plenty "extras" to get rid of! ADDRESS. You can help by ordering your BISQUE CHINA STATUETTE OF CITY .ZONE STATE. I enclose $ for: ALFRED E. NEUMAN MAD BUST r—l 5V2" Bust(s) BACK TO PRESS! I—I S $2.00 ea. 850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N. Y.
Yep, here we are again-back to press NAME. you to buy a full-color picture of @ $1.00 ea. Alfred E. Neuman, MAD's "What-Me Worry?" kid. It's great for framing Check size(s) ADDRESS. -or lining a small garbage pail! and enclose Mail 25c to: MAD, Dept. "What-Color?", proper amount CITY .ZONE 850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N. Y. STATE. (NO ORDERS SHIPPED OUTSIDE THE U.S.A.) SOURCE OF STRENGTH WE GOT HIS IRISH UP MAD SENDS ME! Men become great in many ways. I am here in the U. S. visiting my aunt Among them is study and emulation of and uncle from Dublin, and happened to great men in history or on the contem pick up MAD at a local American news porary scene. In Reno, we have a mayor, stand. Your magazine is very witty, and Bud Baker, who has been plagued with I enjoyed it very much. It has shown me difficulties —a burglary ring in the Police that America must be a wonderful place Department, charges of corruption, in which to live, because you have the Grand Jury indictments of City Council- capacity to laugh at yourselves. Please men, and constant criticism of his own keep up the tremendous work, and overdrawn travel-expense account. Some through your efforts, the world will learn how, though, Bud has managed to remain to love you. calm in the midst of this deluge, and Braun D'Uva few people have understood why. The Dublin, Eire Mayor has always smiled, and maintained a sort of "What—Me Worry?" mien, and THE JACK KENNEDY SHOW we all thought it was because of some inner serenity, some inner strength. I just finished reading your hilarious What the source of the Mayor's strength September issue (#65). It was one of the was few people knew —until our local best! I'd give anything to see President newspaper hit the streets yesterday. There, Kennedy's face when he reads your little on the front page, was a picture of our bit of satire, "The Jack Kennedy Show"! beloved leader . . . and on the wall of the Liz Dicker Mayor's office, for all to see and contem Oakdale, N. Y. plate, was a picture of the source of his strength, the object of his study and emu MAD continues to top itself—as well lation: Alfred E. Neuman. as its imitators. No. 65s "Jack Kennedy ... like they send me nine issues Mr. and Mrs. Alton Glass, Jr. Show" take-off alone deserves framing. for the price of eight—by mail!! Thanks for a "Saturday Review" of Reno, Nevada humor and satire. Kenneth McNatt COLLISION COURSE Little Rock, Ark. Be Way Oirt! My Uncle recently ran across his first copy of MAD. It was lying in the road. A MAD OPINION Mitzi Rochester In a recent "Principles of Democracy" SUBSCRIBE TO Tacoma, Wash. class at Hyde Park High School, a student inquired as to the difference between the LAUGHS, TO BOOT two major political parties. It was decided I got a big kick out of your latest issue to form a research project in which stu . . . mainly when my father caught me dents would write outstanding public reading it. figures of the day, asking them for their Herbert Greene opinions. We would appreciate your brief (use coupon or duplicate) . East Berne, New York definition of the difference between the Democratic and Republican parties. MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS Jewel Watson 850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N. Y. GETS A BANG OUT OF MAD Principles of Democracy Class Man, I find that MAD is "real gone"— I enjoy reading MAD for- the same Hyde Park High School mainly from the newsstands by the time reason I enjoy banging my head against Hyde Park, Mass. I get there! So here's my $2.00. Enter a wall —it feels so good when I stop! The difference between the Republican my name on your subscription list, and Jay Beder send the next nine issues direct to my New York, N. Y. Party and the Democratic Party is that whichever party is in power, it does a ter pad! I guess falling for this pitch rible job according to the other, even makes me "way out"—way out of my mind! LEGAL QUESTION though the other would probably do the NAME How do you keep from getting same job if it were in power, in which case plastered with law suits? it would be doing a terrific job. —Ed. ADDRESS. Sally Richards Cincinnati, Ohio Please address all correspondence to: CITY .ZONE. MAD, Dept. 67, 850 Third Avenue We always leave them lath-ing! —Ed. New York 22, New York STATE. NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER! MAD ANTHOLOGY Because there's a great cover on— 850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N. Y. THE GOLDEN TRASHERY I enclose $2.95. Please rush THE GOLDEN TRASHERY OF MAD MAP OF MAD The inside of this hard-cover, de luxe anthology, however, contains 136 pages NAME. of idiotic humor, shocking satire, and other garbage from past issues. So if ADDRESS. you're thinking about a permanent col CITY .ZONE- lection of MAD articles, or a Christmas gift to somebody you'd like to get even STATE. with for last year, this book is for you! FORWARD, ARCH! DEPT. MILITAR Y ROCKET-BELT DEVELOPED ARMY UNSURE OF PRACTICAL USE Recently, the American public was startled to see movies height of fifteen feet. However, the Army confessed that and news photos of the successful testing of a perfected it had no ideas as to the practical application of this rocket belt. The pictures clearly showed a test engineer ingenious invention. And so, with this article, MAD, in being propelled over land, water, trees and trucks at a its typical public-spirited way, offers some suggestions. MADS SUGGESTIONS FOR USE ARTIST: BOB CLARKE NOMENCLATURE OF ROCKET BELT OPERATION OF ROCKET BELT mm
OF NEW ARMY ROCKET BELT WRITER: Al_ JAFFEE
carried along on those forced marches and 20-mile hikes, This effortless mobility will also make civilians green without having to use overcrowded, long, winding roads. with envy, instead of gloating over GI's usual discomfort. „|UOI4DAJDS puoXaq • • •„ AaiNVo H3W13** WARTIME USES GOING OVERSEAS HITTING THE BEACHES DRYING OUT
Worst part of war is getting seasick The terrible hazards of invasion by As anyone who hub been in an invasion on troopships. Now GI can float over landing craft, such as overcrowding, knows, nothing is more annoying than heaving deck pleasantly during rough pushing, shoving, and B.O. will be landing on a beach sopping wet. Now, weather, and enjoy the sight of Navy eliminated. Also minor problems like warm rocket blasts can dry men out so officers and men hanging over rails. being sunk before hitting the beaches. later attack can be fought in comfort. PEACETIME USES REVEILLE POLICING AREA RECREATION
.OFF After wild night in town, sleepy GI Yardbirds can blast butts and garbage After-hours leisure activities are so can sleep while standing at attention clear off Army base, much like hosing important to camp morale. Rocket-belts by using rocket belt at half-power. down a driveway with stream of water. can improve Gl-type sports and games. SURPLUS Commuting Agriculture Deep Sea Fishing Advertising 3R ROCKET BELT „|sn padojsa • • „ QNIX 3AUI0flJ 3H1** CAMOUFLAGE PEST CONTROL CHOW
Rocket-belted GI can be sprayed with Since inconsiderate battle commanders Biggest inconvenience on battlefield foam to simulate cloud. But check his usually pick lousiest places to fight, is having to start fighting without electrical charge. Possible collision insect ridden areas can now be easily morning cup of hot coffee. Now, with with an oppositely-charged GI could cleared by letting rocket belts blast rocket blast, problem is solved. Also cause thunder, lightning and rain. all night in an upside-down position. makes afternoon coffee-break possible. FOR ROCKET BELT FURLOUGHS INTERSERVICE RIVALRIES SPACE FLIGHT
Going on furloughs will be made much GI's will no longer worry about being Rocket belts make GI participation in easier and convenient by rocket belt outclassed by Sailors, Marines or Air this experimental field possible, like —especially without furlough papers. Force men during those barroom brawls. sending chicken Officers into orbit. S FOR ROCKET BELT Sports Construction Child Care Crime DON MARTIN PEPT. PART I We noticed that Don Martin, MAD's maddest artist, has been "jumpy" lately ... so we asked him about it. He told us that it all began with: THE PoGo
ENOUGH!! I don't care what your Doctor says about "Physical Therapy and The Pogo-Stick"! I've had enough!!
„|SJD3X 02 spoq POOMA||OH s|3s • • •„ 3NIH3VW 3WI1 3H1** STICKINCIDENT
Ho-Hum! These balmy Fall mornings sure take the "bounce" out of a man!
**ON THE DOUBLE ". . . how we left the theatre in the middle!"
On the basis of a thorough examination, I can clearly Get this man to see there's only one thing a hospital!! to do!! BEAT 'EM TO THAT PULP DEPT. We spend a lot of time hanging around newsstands. We have to. It's the only way we keep dealers from burning their bundles of MAD. Anyway, while doing this, we've noticed a strange thing: Mainly, the newsstands are glutted with magazines that come out month after month, but don't look one bit different from one issue to the next. So we've decided to do the reading public a favor, and save 'em the trouble of buying all that junk. Which means they'll have more money to buy our junk. Here's ... MAGA (Just fill in blanks THE MEN'S MAGAZINE
!•:!' CM AMT stag MAN'S TRUE TERROR VICIOUS AGONY MAN-EATING PAIN POISONOUS MALE ADVENTURES TORMENT BLOODCURDLING SUFFERING RAVENOUS RELAXATION NAUSEATING I FOUGHT WMJm HOUSEBROKEN THE
e THE JUNGLE GRIZZLY THE DESERT PANTHER THE SUBWAY CROCODILE THE BRONX PIRANHA FISH NAZI GERMANY RED ANTS RHODE ISLAND VAMPIRE BATS Greenwich Village BRONTOSAURUS ANCHOVIES
THE C.I.A. CUBA THE F.B.I. LAOS THE U.S.O. THE KREMLIN THE P.T.A. PRISON CASTRO LEVITTOWN KHRUSHCHEV MY WIFE I WAS A SPY FOR ED SULLIVAN MAD MAGAZINE THE MAN WHO 4 MACY'S
ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE WRITER: SY REIT CONQUERED DEFEATED MATTERHORN LAFAYETTE ESCADRILLE WRESTLED BETRAYED AFRIKA KORPS CONFEDERACY TRAPPED RAN FROM o SARGASSO SEA PARTISANS 10 OUTWITTED NEVER HEARD OF NORTH POLE DINER'S CLUB „|tno sjaiad ' " „ NVWM3HSU 018 3H1** DO-IT-YOURSELF ZINE COVERS rom appropriate lists-and change once a month!) THE TRUE CONFESSIONS MAGAZINE
SPINSTEo R TRULY and COMPLETE o WIDOW REAL CONFESS! MAN WOMAN DIVORCEE A MAKEFACTSUP PUBLICATION WAITRESS >THE is SWEETHEART •CAN A STRIPPER I WOULD LIKE PAROLE OFFICER TO FORGET! GEISHA GIRL WEEK-END WEIGHTLIFTER FIND TRUE ADDRESS HAPPINESS WITH FACE 10 © DRAFT NOTICE A MARRIED MAN © HER OLDER BROTHER HOME AN ASTRONAUT MARRIAGE AN ALCOHOLIC ROMANCE A COCKER SPANIEL HONEYMOON A SUB-MACHINE GUN FUTURE ALFRED E. NEUMAN AUTOMOBILE DIGESTION
THE "OTHEoR MAN" © ii 1991 THE "OTHER WOMAN" MY MOTHER-IN-LAW HOW WRECKED' © MOTHER BEER AND WHISKEY MY 17 FATHER OVERDUE BILLS CHINESE FOOD • THEY %HOW CAN 1 TELL NEIGHBORS TERMITES TOLD ME MY MY 15 CHILDREN 12 WAS THE TRUTH ABOUT GIRL FRIEND 13 !! MY 14 ? BOY FRIEND BABoY PSYCHIATRIST FIANCEE SISTER © © BROTHER DYING IN A COMA FATHER LURID PAST MAID M 1 S S 1 N G IN FLATBUSH MOTHER PRISON RECORD A JUNKIE STONE BROKE SECRET PASSION PHONY HAIR CELL-MATE 11 THE MOVIE MAGAZINE O AVA'S SHLOCK PUBLICATIONS MICKEY ROONEY'S LANA'S 1 THE 3 STOOGES' BRIGITTE'S & STEVE REEVES' DEBBIE'S mODERH FILIH MOViE TiME LIBERACE'S LIZ'S ROCHELLE HUDSON'S MARILYN'S BORIS KARLOFF'S LASSIE'S SINATRA'S
MARRI AGE DIVORCE HAIR -DO MINK STOLE NOSE JOB BOY FRIEND KARMAN -GHIA
25 35 50 LIZ HARRY KARL EDDIE EDDIE DEBBIE DEBBIE HEDDA LIZ LOUELLA HARRY KARL JANE LOUELLA T A R Z A N HEDDA SEX TA R Z A N JANE EDDIE HODGES o TAB HUNTER HUSBANDS HER BOBBY DARIN SUCCESS DIRECTORS EACH OTHER TUESDAY WELD FAI LU R E o DOCTORS THE LAWYERS YOGI BEAR W E A LT H CO-STARS THE NEIGHBORS SANDRA DEE POVERTY ASTROLOGER HER ANALYST A KOSHER SALAMI CENSORSHIP CHIROPRACTOR HER FAN CLUB GARDNER McKAY OLD AGE MASSEUR LIFE MAGAZINE ACTING LESSONS FRENCH POODLE CASEY STENGEL
EXTRA FILLERS THAT FIT ALL THREE TYPE MAGAZINES (But aren't as funny as the others!) MOX.ME OSSZEFOGVA COWZNOFSKI AXOLOTL MAINLY GRUNCH 12 POTRZEBIE HALAVAH ARTHUR USING THE SAME PRINCIPAL DEPT. Our educational systems have a sneaky little gimmick (as far as the kids are concerned) called "Open School Week"-or "Open School Night"—in which the parents of the students are invited to come in and discuss their sons' and daughters' progress and problems with their teachers. As champions of justice, we believe that turnabout is fair play, and business organizations should invite children of parents to come in and discuss their Daddies' and Mommies' progress and problems with their bosses. In short, they ought to have
12345 Conformity Way o. TOgetherness L-LLLL OPEN October 26th 1961 Dear Children: ORGANIZATION
OFFICE ^fnOmce^eeK." slooki6
y0u have any father qg> j u ing how *gjg*tif talk things over also be ^ilabW week during with you _oon, I remain, Hoping to see you soon,^ tr^^^
Chairman of the ^
Naturally,?isinvxtawJ.oae ^ eS
Q^RV BEL'KI It's awfully Give him a lot of approval. Let him know My Daddy tells me that nice of you you love him even if he isn't the best file nobody in the office < I to come! clerk in the office. Being the best file clerk ',A seems to want to have isn't the most important thing in life. One s : anything to do with him. man can be good in File Clerking, and «a Can you suggest anything? Nice? It's our duty! another can be good in Coffee Breaking. •A- What sort of children It takes all kinds. would we be if we didn't "\^ show an interest in pw our very own Daddy? • !/ ™~
~l One thing bothers g He might be afraid. This company We can't understand She's my secretary— I'd like to know how me. Last week, I i is so large and diversified, nobody why Mommie is always and when you grow up, I can get my Daddy asked him what really knows what we make or do. You | being kept in after you'll understand! to come home directly the company see, Daddies of your father's age work. after work instead of makes, and my have a basic need for security. He dawdling along the way Daddy didn't might be afraid to ask because they at every bar and grill. know. Shouldn't might find out we're not doing any he care enough thing and fire all of us. to even ask?
Oh, we wouldn't let |~ Tell us honestly! Is You children must learn him! Daddy is very he Vice-Presidential that not everybody should delicate—although material? go on to be Vice-President! you wouldn't think A person can still be con it to look at him. sidered successful without being Vice-President! Look at Henry Cabot Lodge! I wanted to talk to you about a problem we've been having with your father. When we send him home with a pay check that isn't very good, we know for a fact that he signs it himself! Have you tried We feel there's something Perfectly all right. We I wish there were more making him take wrong when we see other feel there's a time for children like you— regular baths? Daddies coming home for work, and a time for attitudewise. Would you the weekend with attache play. We want your believe it, there are 1/ ' cases full of homework, father to develop into youngsters who don't and our Daddy spends his a well-rounded even care what their weekends on the golf course. Messenger. Daddies do?
Those kids shouldn't be allowed to have parents! They're not children! They're animals! "TTTBH
Well, we think he watches too much TV—and the wrong kind. All that junk on Sunday afternoons. None of the really good shows with violence and murders! M l[ ^ ill M4
I don't want to sound Oh, yeah? Have Gee, this is a surprise! He probably I'd like to Of course he is. This r like an anxious child, you seen the Daddy is usually so sloppy cleaned it know if my is a very progressive but I don't think you secretary we V; at home—but he certainly up because I Daddy is up ' company. Progressive! i give my father enough I gave him? T keeps a neat desk! .. he knew we Q for promotion? t That means everybody of a challenge! were coming! gets promoted! Your father is everything we look I wouldn't worry about him. Daddy is under for in a Junior Vice-President. He Considering the wonderful * the impression works well on his own, adjusts well . j inspiration he must get from —. that you don't to others, and—most important—he's his two wonderful children, ; like him! perfectly suited for an executive I'm sure he'll straighten out position, because he shows absolutely and turn into a plain, average, That's not true! no talent for making decisions! ordinary human being pretty I treat all our soon—and really start getting Accountants the ahead in the company. same! J/ ' 7. F
\f vl•t -~fci*-
4
Here's a display of He thinks we ought their office paper to have Daddy's eyes work. I wonder which checked. He has a one is our Daddy's? hunch Daddy may need glasses—because he never looks up at Her supervisor said that Look for the one . the clock! Mommy tries much too hard with the worst at "Show and Tell"—so handwriting! ii we should discourage her from wearing sweaters •£j Daddy's supervisor said that to work. a little gift now and then always helps when it's pay . grade time, but apples are not exactly what he had in mind!
He thinks Daddy's work would improve if we discouraged him from hanging around with the wrong element— you know, that office betting-pool crowd!
They told me my father is deficient in social He told me my father keeps skills. But I don't sneaking girlie books into care! After all, he's work and hiding them in his only the janitor! Can you imagine! He said that ledger book. If it wasn't Daddy is embarrassed when we for the foldouts, they never pick him up at work on rainy would have found out! days with his slicker and galoshes! COMMERCIAL VEHICLES ONLY DEPT. **SINK THE BISMARCK ". . . all hull breaks loosel" Nowadays, our State and Local Governments employ every conceivable method to raise much needed revenue for highway construction and maintenance— and then use the money for other things. These methods include license fees, gaso line taxes, tolls, and franchises for service stops. One method they've overlooked, which could solve the whole problem and relieve the burden on the already over taxed automobile owner, would be to contact Madison Avenue, and rent out...
-^ ADVERTISING SPACE ON ROAD SIGNS <. . • pm - ARTIST: BOB CLARKE WRITER: EARLE DOUD
RELIEVE THAT CONGESTED AREA r WITH DRISTM1 * J#z
YOU SQUEEZE RIGHT
IN A
Girdle tf^ 77/Z^k
17 'JYOUR SAVINGS "1 NO ACHIEVE REGULARITY PASSING WITH
ASPIRIN INGREDIENTS SLOW DO NOT SLIPPERY CHILDREN ENTER WHEN WET
YOUR BLOODSTREAM AS FAST AS BUFFERIN
ARE YOUR
o- i CATTLE SATISFY YOUR CROSS GAS LOADING AHEAD ZONE
WITH FOUR ROSES
18-*=- 0> BRIDGE ENJOY OUT DETOUR \ OF SCENIC
NOW'S YOUR CHANCE BROOKLYN TO CLEAN IT WITH IN A POLIDENT FINSTER SIGHTSEEING BUS H HE'LL LOVE YOUR SOFT SHOULDER REDUCE 8-BALL IN THE SIDE POCKETBOOK DEPT. Once again. MAD presents the feature based on the proposition that you can tell an awful lot about a person by the contents of his wallet. Yes, once again, we thought it would be exciting to see what famous people carry around in their wallets. Once again, we sent our research team out to pick some famous pockets. However, here it is—deadline time —and we still haven't heard from them. And so, once again, we present our fictionalized version of what we'd probably find had our wandering idiots been successful in delivering this "2nd of a series" revealing the unexpected and absurd contents of CELEBRITIES' WALLETS ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE WRJTER: ARNIE KOGEN THE REYNOLDS TOBACCO CO. Ml SCOUT TROOP 204-S Winston-Salem, North Carolina New York City ' '9 up requirements- Miss Tuesday Weld Hollywood Hills, California Dear Miss Weld:- Thank you for your kind offer. It is gratifying to know that you have been enjoying "CAMELS" for the past eight years. However, we do not feel that it would be in the best interest of our Com pany or its public relations campaign to have you endorse "CAMELS", since this means you started smoking when you were ten years old! ncTUREs 1 OOD c J^J-^^WSincerely^ yours ^~—, *»FORmA Humphrey Snaffle Vice-President Camel Division Endorsement Dept Roosevelt Storv" h! role *« "Thl>?nfor- suit le ro:i talentents a K«* your ?Ler e a bit more. P sonality and Sincerely %*3m< — COMMISSARY PASS 20TH CENTURY FOX STUDIOS :M&W.EAS E AOMIT Tuesday Weld and pAfrfat) «**S *•£ fikli . Spyros Skouras 0HLy President „|Poqsd!|s PUD Xsuii|j • • •„ j.VODI113d NOUVa3dO** lame: VutOcLoM VkLni^L. Address: +UflyttotA , Qjj^. Age: \X Qvuvx^ ox. 3S~ Occupation In Cas^ase orf L,bmerqI e i . /1 ft ClaAJb^c^&ugJdfr>J-3* ixl - -({mil Ja ' •-' ••'- '--'.-AX,. :V'"' -^ • Beverly Wis ^KM1I„ Hiss Tuesday «.» HoUy«»^ Hill J Hollywood, can not ai v«rVervy trultrulyy ***• 7 GlocKeii=-hlock 8St K ^rding Secretary :« The Hollywood Hills "Where the Stars buy their Cars" OVER 28 SOLD TO: FRIENDSHIP ctua Miss Tuesday Weld 1 Fuchsia and Aqua Cadillac Convertible ....$6,978.22 Radio, Heater, Leopard Skin Upholstery, ^HlSlSTOCERTIFYTHAT 14-Karat Gold Monogram, Other Extras $3,759.37 Taxes $895.00 $11,632.59 Less Trade In: ^ //> 2 1 Schwinn 26" Girl's 2-flheeler Bike $11.00 elda Clots TOTAL $11,621.59 „I1H6!3M a|ti!| paiJJoa • • •„ AOS1138 3H1** JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. Here's another installment of that friendly rivalry between the man in black and the man in white, both dedicated to the "cause" ... of outwitting each other as — .(Mjki faSRL l^J^I 'wJI y^iL^ #8^L ^^ ^~iiv^ <8» «p 5^®-^J mm 22 „|3A!JDUJ3t|D 3SIM D ' • '„ JAOl 3XVW S.131** CONDENSED MILKING DEPT. And now, MAD presents its version of the famous monthly magazine that once took pride in the fact that it did not accept advertising, only now it's filled with advertising . . . that once listed all its articles on the front cover, only now it lists them on its back cover . . . and once was a pretty corny magazine, only now it's even cornier . . . ARTICLES OF LASTING B XNDIFFEKENCE Oct. 1961 igress 12 16 ¥? 21 TheSl We Are Losing ^ . . • • Jian 34 Voice 40 a. promising, y's Law» . ning . J\CM« , • l ^he Russian Army TwQ ForFlin t . . Vi**** JJ , a Those Maggi^ Hea . . twarm«n^' ly 169 lnsidMSe No/R«m and CoK- . . fteve ReeveS oi5 Sarah Saccharine 220 1EGEU RITEB ^R^ w OBUANDO ABT>ST-.JOE 3 .A A "O • TJ re 3 HJ E 2 C °*o. ES^^ J 18.3 " B re •- .52 s re Oj' OJ ET3-9 £ § =§ ~ -r, £ i- — o ™ 3 rt g S-5 3 >> •i-H 3 « j, re bo rf be « w J§ C .5 - M" S & O .5 « = OJ c „ i- — ^ It C JJ — ta- .- u re P - ' O > H N y 3 c^ u - E -a II 3 2 I .§ I« 2 >- - o w V JJ O -3 H « « C J -= > -S J3 > c -a o O F-i « u u an 1—1 >• u *-• «J >. o c/i -3 0-33 = __- be —• oj -n >- E g i_ u •- « -3-3 - . M > 3 y >-. O ~ V si 111 Ec .>, « " c-n y .2 E £ .2 H .SUMu S _ >- « "o i £ * 3'7 re •; i re bel E „ K-C s a I li-5 t= so, S 3 GO 0/3 c „t>»2 ° t-V. : tf u be c >, - < 13 2 3 0 ^ 7; 3^-~ § S is o „ 8«*a, 3 '- - 15 O HH "*" 2 "5 W C3 5 o ? « o .2 T3 I S«« 3 J3 W £ 5 -C •£ c^. = M £ — r" « V q re .2 II ~« Co •„- b;_e ^ 13 •- -3 a-- < G be 3 H • = 111 fj-fiil'* x 52 P TD S"? - 1-1 b ^ bo ^3 § O •- -D CJ o x: : e s re 5 5 rt ;i^ "5 ^ 3 — _ i<-n o _ T3 -o •£ - C i_ S5 « c ii < "s - -3 •5 £ gp :|1! t; « 3 2 a .S E 2 c g ^J re -J= Z £ E " OJ i^ p re re ^2 >^^3 S- £ Bi E c gfisfisi O —'s re 3 -n be bo — = re „ — •SPI O £ > Q *S .- _ — — CJ S g ^..3 u ^ R a a — re " OJ re ^ ja — re -o S u C -a 5 - o Is J= < re h rst S '£ — •ra- PQ rS i. a> O * ra # £ S3 S S 2 tfs 0} 3•—' * OS Cam p i n y inci d N JUNE , be a — = ,- o oj, j= ~ £ •i—I Ti T3 -*' a- . ?5 T5 J3 < O) J2 g co u y li t a o *5 6 %** lit H c" « T-r — — Ci5 £ g £ JB.§ _ U »! « e• 5 £« I rin g era.- _re s-^ —> CJ C Sc re"i 2 d z j= •- ra - s ^ hi m ^ o - ~o J= CJ — £ u — P -r- re C u CJ 3 lo \ > _c _;?•>.• -a <-> _" 2 i So S « 11 •* ra ra g £ v be a >U-3 I! re re M « 8 B o- 3 9- E E „,••£ Z- O - =e.i •- = 1 111- ^ 4-g — ra 2-g - ra ra g .C=" J= £| 3 » >" 1§ O O u JS CJ .3 J 75 -° U O W 12i u ^^ C o O S -S a •—' 3^-3 t. o re re o 5 ~ o E -o CJ J3 CJ re J3 be P -T S •— c/j re s cj ~ 2 1 -o *\l w £ 8-2 =5 7. ~ S CJ re JS .3 c re -o '§1 £ — IflJ a: E ." - = — rs II cj be .c -o 3 — 3- ° - .IS !•§ HI £ cj 3 re c > grT 5 < 3 C cs: re c^: l£> - -' re J= — _ij rt >. 3 -a 0*2 U.S rt 3 C -- M :• C * U 3* fi = — iFr'r" Js-8? l! .2 o u ^ 3 — -D S %< co 5 CO O <>/> • ^ '5 O C ,8 ^ spj - 1*5 < l^% — £ "3 00/ c 3 I «3 ^a c« fill* 6< • "2 G (4 O g 3 rt • S=.= c^ = c B J >K n o H F < -. . ••••>••* M RALLY 'ROUND THE FLAB, BOYS! DEPT. There's been a lot of talk lately about how Americans are getting soft. Escalators, power steering, and push-button appliances are making life too easy for us. A recent network television documentary called "The Flabby American," called for a national physical fitness program to get AID'S PHYSICAL Parking Meters on Tall Poles High Straps on Busses and Trains Raised Ticket Office Windows "Push" Signs on "Pull" Doors (and vice versa) people interested in exercising. Which is all very well, except that we at MAD know how it is with exercising. After all, how many push-ups can WRITER: DEAN NORMAN you do before the novelty wears off? What we need is to change America's ARTIST: JACK RICKARD living habits, and make people exercise unconsciously —by adopting . . . FITNE3SS PROGRAM Strong Springs on Mail Box Lids Front Doors Without Steps High Safety Islands Heavy Telephone Receivers -J«>»*>» Bigger and Better Issues of MAD ^OOKS MAGAIiNES MAD Teeny Tiny Numbers on Scales **THE ALAMO ". . . we'll try not to remember itl" •« EXTRA CARE ON THE WORLD'S LARGEST JET FLEET The United Air Lines stewardess, for example, who makes a ceremony of pinning junior wings on her young passengers. And then there's the Extra Care you don't see. Case in point, the meteorologist at United's weather center, largest in industry, who painstakingly plots the smoothest, swiftest route for your jet. Jet quiet, comfort, speed—to the most U. S. cities—plus United's Extra Care . . . good reasons to ask your Travel Agent to book you on United. Or call us. UNITED ALL-NATION BARTER-UP DEPT. TRADE CONFERENCE Mr. MacMillan, are you considering Absolutely not — unless the Netherlands' offer to trade they throw in some cash their Queen Wilhelmina for your — for paint — so the Queen Elizabeth? Cunard Line can change the name on their ship! he baseball season is about over, and it won't be long now before owners of the TMajor League teams hold their annual winter meetings. It is at these meetings that they carry on responsible discussions about the expansion of baseball, and how to prevent the establishment of the Con tinental League. It is also at these meetings that they try to improve their teams by trading players they don't want or need for players other teams don't want or need. Then, we'll be reading about multi-player deals with three or four clubs shifting ballplayers like chessmen. Which got us Premier Khrushchev, is it true Not true! We are only thinking: Maybe the nations of the world that you're willing to trade willing to trade the can learn something from baseball. Maybe your entire astronaut team for astronauts we didn't a country with two men of presidential cal America's astronaut team? get back alive! ibre, f'rinstance, could trade one of them for a much needed college instructor. In short, we wonder what it would be like IF COUNTRIES TRADED PEOPLE LIKE RASEBALL TEAMS DO ALL-NATION TRADE CONFERENCE Mr. President. We understand you Yes . . . and he's made a shrewd deal with Premier in real trouble! Khrushchev — and he's foolishly He thought I said accepted one of America's most "Comrade" Hilton! avowed Capitalists! 7 ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER WRITER: GARY BELKIN ALL-NATION TRA Look, I'm not Who needs Hitler - You give us Com Sorry, old boy! You You give me What good Nikita is the saying we have when I've got his mander Whitehead, couldn't deliver Sessue Juan Valdez, is a Danish only one who'll Hitler, and I'm old S.S.! Besides, and we give you Hayakawa, Shirley Yama- and I'll give without trade with me — not saying we since Trujillo was Sessue Hayakawa, §j guchi, and Miyoshi Umeki you Victor coffee? and all he'll assassinated, I've don't! Make me Shirley Yamaguchi, — because the United Borge . . . offer me is had to welcome in an offer, and and Miyoshi Umeki! States has them! And Malenkov! we'll talk! Batista and Peron! we couldn't deliver Just don't tell With them - and me - Commander Whitehead who needs another Israel! for the same reason! Y. "holler guy"! Well, 1*11 talk I've got somebody No, thanks! I Faubus? No thanks! Tennis Players, If you take Lucky What am I goin business if you I'd like to get don't like We don't need any anyone??? Luciano, I'll throw to do with an can get me Nixon rid of — a left- Spanish food! of your liberals! in 6 gondoliers, admiral? from the U.S.! winger who's soft 3 skiers, and an Not that we on Communism! admiral! really need him — we just want to throw rocks at him! ANTS IN YOUR PLANS DEPT. With our population exploding, and the building business booming, and our cities expanding into suburbs, and our suburbs expanding A MAD into other suburbs, it won't be long before the entire U.S.A. will be one solid hunk of concrete from border to border and ocean to ocean. And then, that good old American family sport, LOOK 'The Picnic," will be as dead as last week's Rock 'n Roll hit. So, for the benefit of our great-grandchildren, who may be in terested in what things were like in the good old days, here is PIC/•l«i^ N Nothing ever works out for WRITER I'v&e ARTIST got the: worsDAVIt D BERG me! You'll see! It'll pour! luck! It'll come down any minute! 1) TO N\ PICNIC > <^ GROUND^7 I hate paper Not these! Somebody ... so no matter how strong plates! The came out with a the wind gets, the paper plates wind is always simple and clever stick to the table cloth! blowing them gadget. They've got away! a piece of adhesive tape on the bottom! „|1! "! «•!-« "! IJ*| "3=»q 3A°M Pinoqs • • •„ NVD'NVD** i^pH^^ftp, I forgot the cold drinks! I forgot the napkins! I forgot the salt and Herman, go back to the Shirley, go back to the pepper! Sidney, go back house and get them! house and get them! to the house and get it! „|Xu03|oq 341 ui SDM luauiuiDiJBlua (ssq 341 • • •„ xannf ONV JdONVWOJi** Hey, you two! ~^- ij^^l \ Rocfef Kapmtwck Inc. J- You're missing OANNUAL all the fun!! AT Corr\paT\y Pickle I Get a load of the delicious menu I've got worked out! London broil •'••« steak, potatoes baked on the hot coals, salad, watermelon, and /£ toasted marshmallows! **BUTTERFIELD 8 ". . . the plot was Toylor-madel" I forgot the salad dressing! I forgot the mustard! What's everybody doing Stanley, go back to the I better go back to eating in the kitchen? house and get it! the house and get it! We're supposed to be We forgot! having a backyard picnic! U The steak isn't Eat a pickle in defrosted yet! the meantime! **SONG WITHOUT END ". . . Lisztlessl" The trouble with us is we're spoiled rotten! Too many ,/»•*»»>, Ahhh —this is the life! modern conveniences! Tomorrow morning early, we're / 1 trj— -v niiiin — una is me me: Back to nature! leaving on a camping trip — back to nature — back to the ^SJGSU, Y\> Back to nature! >*, rugged life —the way our forefathers lived —hacking ii z^n'iy) / % - - - out an existence in the wilderness with our bare hands! I hope you don't mind, . . . and their four kids, Don't . . . and Selma's mother Don't Charlie! I brought along Tom, Dick, Harry and worry! and father, Mr. and Mrs. worry! Bob and Selma Fingerhut. . . Melvin! There's Veeblefetzer . . . There's plenty! plenty! „||i ipouiois 4,up|n03 • • •„ S3ISIVQ 3H11V3 l.NOQ 3SV31d** Funny how everything tastes better outdoors! I'm hungry! I just put the Eat some cole slaw The steak is ready! meat on the fire! and potato salad Come and get it! I'm not hungry! in the meantime! Daddy, think you're lying on poison ivy! ^.rtf^ What's with you, Charlie Don't worry! and Rosalyn? How come There's plenty! you're not eating any of this delicious steak? f,|Pu3 daap am JJO sao6 • • \, HDV38 3Hi NO** Doesn't it take your breath No City Council laying What a beautiful spot! away? No Madison Avenue pavement! No television wise-guys putting up bill antennas! Just virgin boards! No hot dog stands! wilderness — untouched by human hands! VT 3?Ki*WH» AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR ENTERTAINER DEPT. The recent "Emmy Awards" (for the best shows on television) have convinced us of something we've suspected for a long time —namely: If this is TV's best, then we're in trouble! The more we think about it, the more we realize that, compared to the programs, the best part of television nowadays is the commer cials! And why not? They have the most talented actors, the most creative „|D3UJO3 aq |,u |nco • • •„ 3 30VAVS 3H1** P 3A writers, the catchiest music, the biggest budgets (minute-for-minute), and WHEN TV COMMERCIALS NOVEMBER 18 Evening 8:01 ©DASH DETERGENT-Drama A distraught housewife struggles with a clogged washing machine, until the repair man comes to her rescue and explains the value of a low-suds detergent in irritating Brooklynese. 0 ANACIN-Mystery A business executive is plagued by unex plained little hammers pounding inside his head. Suspense builds as the man begins to crack up. Then, he discovers the bene fits of Anacin's fast-acting ingredients and makes a miraculous recovery. Q GRO-PUP-Comedy A cute little cocker spaniel gobbles a huge bowl of his favorite dog food. 8:14 0 MARLBORO-Adventure A handsome male model, wearing a cow boy suit, lights a cigarette while listening to a chorus of steers singing, "You get a lot to like in a Marlboro . . . Filter . . . Flavor . ,. Flip-Top box." 0 COFFEE OF COLOMBIA-Documentary Another visit with coffee-grower Juan Valdez, and his amusing little burro. Juan takes viewers on a tour of his 50-square- foot Colombia plantation, and accidentally loses his phony moustache. (D CLORETS-Science The engineers at Consolidated Electro- Dynamics run another test on onion juice, and onion juice with Clorets' ingredients added, using their fantastic odor-detect ing machines. Once again, the beaker with the onion juice and Clorets' ingredients wins, because they forget to plug in that particular machine. 8:29©D0UBLEMINT GUM-Variety L The Doublemint Twins sing their famous "Double Your Pleasure" song, while bowl ing. The one who hardly moves her mouth is on the right this time. ©RISE SHAVING DRILLING THROUGH MEET THE CREAM-Adventure A skin diver shaves underwater—and lives TAILBOARDS WITH to tell about it . . . while 300 fish choke A BALL POIHT PEN on the whisker stubs. 0 LADY CLAIROL-Quiz CAN BE FUN! REM Once again, that provocative question is posed, and everybody feels guilty for thinking those things about a mother. MR. CLEAN 0 RALEIGH CIGARETTES-Mystery AN EXCLUSIVE PHOTO STORY A couple manages to continue sitting at a card table while their chairs are myste riously removed. Collecting coupons seems to be the solution, but we doubt it. 38 certainly offer the best entertainment. Now, we read where ABC-TV is increas ing its time-segments allotted for commercials. Naturally the other networks (never ones to turn down a quick buck) will follow suit. And the pattern that has become so painfully obvious continues — TV plugs getting longer and more numerous, interrupting shows, surrounding station-breaks, jamming in between programs, and slowly approaching the point in the not-too-distant future . . . TAKE OVER COMPLETELY ARTIST: JACK RICKARD WRITER: SY REIT Eat up all your supper Can I stay up for dear, and Mommy wi Brylcream, too? let you stay up to And the Nescafe TV in Review by Jack Gold watch the Gravy Train song? Commercial! our reviewer must confess to a dis tinct feeling of disappointment in lasYt night's new Parliament Commerical (Channel 4, 8:01 to 8:02 PM), especially after the network's publicity buildup over recent weeks. The basic theme of this pitch, though valid, was handled in a trite way; the pacing and acting was poor; and the dialogue just didn't ring true. On the other hand, the close-up of the cigarette, shown at the climax of the show, was strikingly photographed, and very believable. The main story line dealt with the "extra margin" needed in many feats of dar ing — in this case, driving a racing car. What the au thor seemed to be saying (if I got his message correctly) ' TV-COMMERCIALS V&tutoffi is that, just as a racing car driver needs an extra mar gin of safety and protection, so do today's smokers need an extra margin of safety BUG PLUG and protection in their ciga rettes. In this case, the extra margin is purportedly sup plied by the special XA inch SLUGS DRUGS recessed filter on each Par liament. For the third time running, Johnson's Wax's "Raid" plug out-rated all competing pitches on the Well, it's an interesting theme, and one that can nation's video waves. stand plenty of airing on television. I'm all for good, The "Raid" 60-seconder, aired at 8:49 PM (EST) healthy controversy. But I do feel that the point could last night, racked up a healthy 28.9 Nielsen. Running have been made more convincingly. The first twelve opposite it on major channels were two drug product or fourteen seconds, as the cars zoomed around the plugs, Dristan and Bromo-Seltzer, which grabbed track, were admittedly fascinating. But the dramatic ratings of 16.4 and 11.2 respectively. impact went steadily downhill from there on, and by Raid's 28.9 rating projects out to a total viewership the time the minute was over, your reviewer's head of 13,500,000 — an impressive chunk of prime time was beginning to nod. The best that can be said for audience. Success of the pitch will prove bright this new commercial is "adequate". I hope, however, feathers in the caps of both sponsor and agency, who that my views will not discourage other television ad mother-henned the Johnson project together. copywriters from tackling this important and worth All-time record for commercial viewership was set while theme more success: by Westinghouse on June 4, 1960, when Betty Fur- ness couldn't get her refrigerator door open. For the best in Plug Programming . . . stay VID-AD CHATTER: Bert and Harry Piel to tuned to the CBS Television Network! West Coast . . . Alpo Dog Food's beagle, Flossie, Only CBS brings you all the top plugs . . . the mother of sextuplets . . . Model Henrietta Kowz- the plugs that matter . . . when they matter! nofski overcome by smoke-poisoning while filming CBS —The Network Of The Commercials! recent Kools commercial . . . Seymour Flinch, ex- pitchman for Noxema Shave Cream, growing a beard . . . Melvin Cruhh, inquiring reporter for Skippy Peanut Butter, down with laryngitis again . . . Rocky Fink, the Dash Washer-Repairman, attending the Berlitz School of Languages to brush up on his Brook- lynese . . . Sidney Zitzlaff run out of Elm City on a rail for not using Comet . . . Bess Myerson ordered four new pocketbooks especially designed to hold cans of Ajax . . . Manners, The Butler, recuperating from savage attack by Parakeet during filming of recent Kleenex Table Napkin pitch . . . INSIDE TIP: Know why Helena Rubinstein's hands always have that soft, smooth, delicate look ? She uses Jergens 40 Lotion! . . . Newton N. Minow resigned FCC chair manship in dissmst. Rumor is. he couldn't take it! Ladies and gentlemen ... welcome to the "Annual Betty Awards Show!" This is it, folks . . . the night we honor the men and women responsible for the best TV commercials of the year, by presenting them with the coveted "Betty"—named for that grand First Lady of Plugsville, Betty Furness! And now, the moment you've all been waiting for! The envelopes, please! w gfcs* % „|J3)|D3nbS Q • ojavo• a IVHI asnow 3Hi** Here to accept Thanks, Jack! And my Here to accept the Thanks, Jack! the award for special thanks to the award for NEW BLUE Incidentally, one of RISE is the folks who first started CHEER are the two men us is a lot more ner man who me on my commercial- who dreamed up this vous about accepting performed acting career... by great comparison this award than the this great letting me demonstrate commercial —Sam and other! Can you tell commercial, how their wonderful L Howie Schmutz! 1 which one of us is that great product performed WHITER? skin-diver and underwater—The fearless trouper Reynolds Ball-Point — Sid Glugger! Pen Co.! m l&AA1! Superior meals, Mr. Andrews, is another reason why American Airlines is first choice of experienced travelers. We offer 85 menus, each prepared by skilled chefs in our special Fl igh t Ki tchens, and served' 'fresh-cooked.'' We call it excitement in food—our recipe for happy AMERICAN AIRLINES passengers. America's Leading Airline 42 „| D|j sn i a\ . lN3WiaVdV 3Hi** BIG-TIME OPERETTA DEPT. t t Gilbert and Sullivan are famous for their operettas, and will long be remembered for their clever and light-hearted satire. MAD, on the other hand is notorious for its articles, and will hardly be remembered for its idiotic and heavy-handed satire. So, in a desperate effort to alter its corporate image, the clod-staff of IVIAD MAGAZINE (With apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan) PRESENTS & w mm jHHS Daddy, before Why, certainly, Caroline. •Jf When I was a lad, my father said, He tousled up his fffil you start I'll tell you the story "You've got great hair right there upon your head! so carefullee— That now he is the I working today, of how this wonderful life Just make sure, son, that you tousle it wel And upon the female voters you will cast a spell!" of the whole count please sing of ours in the White House I tousled up my hair so careful-lee— V me a song. all came about. You see . . . That now I am the leader of the whole coun-tree! is I grew up, I so quickly learned He bought Wisconsin ow young men there, whoever you may be, And if you find a 'hat a penny saved is like a penny earned. with his dough for thee— If you want to rise to the top of the tree, wo-man like Mommee— it pennies saved none could match my kin; And now you are the leader Make sure that you've a head of tousled locks, You too may be the leader or the primaries my Daddy bought me Wis-con-sin! of the whole countree! And your Daddy owns a great big stack of solid stocks. of the whole countree! He bought Wisconsin with his dough for And if you find a wo-man like Jackee— And You too may be the leader of the whole countree! Now, Caroline, why don't Aw, shucks! Another you run off and amuse dull day in this big yourself. I have an government prison! important meeting with Grandpa and the rest of the family. *Sung to the tune of "I'M CALLED LITTLE BUTTERCUP" pt^c~y a__j__^______'J&* I'd love to play house Won't someone help Caroline- Hi, Jack! You're just Aw, nuts! Mom's Before we start And chase after a mouse, Please help free Caroline— in time for the touch the best running the game, gang - But things like that From special guards back in the whole everybody gather I can not do. With their guns. football game. Dad and family! We don't around me for a Instead I must walk with, Please, people, free Caroline- I already chose sides. And make dull small talk with yL Poor little Caroline- Dad's first choice was have a chance! bit of family Attache's from Bonn and Peru. U Vote Dad out next time he runs! Mom, and I picked you ! reorientation! 1 ipaiioj X|jood • • \, ONIONIU 3HV S1138 3Hi** . /'/ ///w am the Monarch, And so does his Mrs.', and his daughters; We are ath-letic, And so do his Mrs., and his daughters, and If you please— And his sons'— One and all- And his sons— The ruler of the Kennedys- And so does his Mrs.', and his daughters; Together we play And so do his Mrs., and his daughters, Whose great big wallet And his sons'— Touch football— And his sons— /> Weighs two tons— His Mrs.', and his daughters', and his sons'! And though seven-ty-four, His Mrs., and his daughters, and his sons! make touchdown runs— So when I tire Just as I figured — pant-pant — Dad I just Hew up from Gettysburg, Of politics— and Mom's team was too strong for us. Jack. My favorite golf ball is And all those They licked us 72—13. Now I'm ex missing, and I believe I may have Smokey bailiwicks- hausted, and I still have a big day lost it here on the White House Then the Redskins I'll join- ahead of me—running the country. green last October! mean Washington's— My speeches were impossible MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE WHITE HOUSE... lumpy like a crumpled bed But I had great finesse at holding Where's Kennedy? He I'm already late And I've got an hands high up above my called a special meeting for a meeting important confer In short, in data vital to with us three top leaders with my campaign ence with Herbert each future White House of the opposition party manager, and — Hoover, Douglas am the very model of a for 11:00 AM, and he's oops! I mean I MacArthur, and former U.S. President! an hour late. I've a lot of have to get back other members of important campaigning to my law practice- my group's liberal for '64 to do today, and in California! wing! wm — oops! I mean, I have work to do at the Governor's mansion in Albany! •X-lhree little candidates are we, Three candidates who wait and tarry Waiting for '64 with glee, Watching the polls so cool and wary, Each a potential nominee—ee ... Nelson and Dick and good old Barry- Three little candidate Three little candidates- be tune oj "THREE LITTLE MAIDS FROM SCHOOL ARE WE" Take ... two candidates Three little candidates Hi, Dick! They had to leave, Jack Gosh, it was nice seeing away from three- who wait and tarry, What You know—pressing en Dick again. The last time One candidate remains and he- Watching the polls so cool and wary, gagements. They told me we chatted was down in Carries the ball for the G.O.P. 1 Nelson and Dick and good old Barry- happened to tell you to contact Florida right after I to Nelson them again next week beat him in the election. and Barry I and reschedule our I can remember that meeting. Now, if you'll little talk we had as excuse me, I've got if it were yesterday . . . to run also . . . „|A|3(3|duio3 SJW • • •„ dAQVl 1VH1 SVM OHAA** |-X- In a house by the ocean Dick Nixon cried out, Now I feel that as sure as I still hear him moan, Well, thank goodness Yes, Jack. I've "Damn that TV, damn TV, damn TV!" "Damn that TV, damn TV, damn TV!" another day is over. pressed your And I said to him, "Dickie-boy, why do you shout, That he had every right to so sadly intone, I just have time to tuxedo, and I've 'Damn that TV, damn TV, damn TV!'? "Damn that TV, damn TV, damn TV!" shave and dress for pressed your "Is it Westerns you hate so intensely?" I cried, And so when re-election time comes rolling by, jthe White House ball. dress shirt and "Do those Private Eye shows make you Should I find my opponent more handsome than Pierre, as my Press sick deep inside?" You can bet that you'll hear me white tie . . . None of those, it's the lousy debates!" he replied. give out with this cry: Secretary, I hope you "Damn TV, it killed me, damn TV!" "No TV! No TV! No TV!" have arranged everything! 1 Hello, Frank! Quite a Aw, * I am the Captain of He's been for Right here in Washington, What, never? party you've got going forget it, the Show Biz Clan, J-F-K . . . My old and dear friend Jack here tonight. I must buddy- And a right good Captain, too! You might say My counsel always shares. No, never! say that I owe you and boy! I've been for J-F-K . . . "All The Way". . . My forte's benefits, You might say "All The Way". . . your group a vote of After And so was his And char-i-table bits, all . . . And so was my right good crew! Right good crew! But it's never, never thanks for the fine Foreign Affairs! What, never? shindigs you've been throwing for me here in the White House since I was elected . . . It's hardly ever Foreign Affairs! I'm always there when p-j With Joey, Pete, and Dean I dig this White House pad; Jack needs me most, And Sam, he makes the scene— It's just a gasser, Dad; Then ... give three cheers- With my hip Show Business train Not to mention Shirl MacLaine! $ Its assets I must applaud. Let's hear it, Man- With Jo-ey, Pete, and Dean, rs I love to come and crash For the mighty Captain And Sam, I make the scene- Y/'^. Each fancy white tie bash, of the Show Biz Clan! Not to mention Shirl MacLaine' \/iv> ^2IK3i But I never steal a Then give three cheers- Senator's broad! Let's hear it, Man— For the Captain of the Show Biz Clan! „|3|qisuods3j asoi)( JOJ s6u!|33j jno • • \, N3AI9tfOdNn 3H1** ..ias^Y.jtt -ss<^^sv. U£ He rarely steals a Senator's broad! Daddy, I can't All right, When I was a candidate, you see, sleep! You're Caroline. I stormed the country with my family. Then ... give three cheers- all making too One quick We went by busses and by plane and yacht, Let's hear it, Man- song, and And although I seldom said much, I sure smiled a lot. For the might Captain of much noise down then it's I smiled a lot and beamed so boyishly— the Show Biz Clan! here. Sing me That now I am the leader of the whole countree! Then give three cheers- a song . . . off to bed Let's hear it, Man— with you! F 0 R ... the Captain of He smiled a lot and beamed so boyishly- the Show Biz Clan! That now he is the leader of the whole . C 0 U N-TREEEEEEE! 831? id w Sung to the tune oj "WHEN I WAS A LAD" ("Reprise) DON MARTIN DEPT. PART II Don Martin spent some time in prison recently due to a typographical error. His papers read: "Admit Mr. Martin to the Big House" instead of "Admit Mr. Martin to the Bug House"! Before the mistake could be rectified, and Don could be sent on to the proper institution for observation, he did some observing of his own. For example, he watched: ran: W.'^pTAP TAP- ____ S^W* J. T , \p 2 w* w y. BAM ; »*w w a.TAP( ?' Ap CD' TAP\TAP WAP. TAP XiwigS^T^jW^rkP' y/>€»A.M>>P a w\ M „lpaso3|3j usaq 9ADq pinoijs JSAGU • • •„ a3NIVHDNf1 S3inDH3H** ^ ~ KOORAy TKOMP TKQMP W»P TKQMp Wp THQN1P TMMP TROMP MADS PICTURE OF THE ISSUE Premier Nikita Khrushchev greets Miss Cherry Thompson, daughter of Ambassador Llewellyn Thompson, at the U.S. Embassy July 4th Reception, Moscow, U.S.S.R. And we wil bury YOU, TOO ... my little Capitalist Dollink! UPI PHOTO S?=a. J1 OOJ-jJjJ] INS'"'-' HH^MHI ANTIDOTE ADULTS There's always need for Fool-Aid. The hideous grin on the pitcher tells you FOOL ENOUGH it's indispensable. Warm weather brings out hordes of enterprising kids TO BUY SOFT who set up soft drink stands in every neighborhood. The only trouble is: you DRINKS LITTLE • can't be sure what the little monsters use to make the stuff. So be prepared! KIDS MAKE I GENERAL FOOLS Always carry Fool-Aid — the instant antidote for poisons taken internally. PROTECTION Jl