Vol. 3, Issue 2

The Morning After… Page 1 www.happyhourkickball.com On the Cover: Volume 3, Issue 2 My Little Ponies

HHKB Tip of the Week: When strolling down the street, it’s important to remember to push randoms, ‘cause remember, you’re the boss. TheThe MorningMorning After...After...

Summer 2009 April 21, 2009

In this Issue: It’s issue #2 time, and with it, we are merely moments from regular sea- Into……………………………………………..2 son play and as “regular” a newslet- Actual & Factual News………………………3 ter as we are able to put out. Be- The Bethesda Back 9 Bar Crawl……………4 cause, come on, how much that ap- Back 9 Bar Crawl Map……………………….5 Schedule for 4/22 & 4/29……………………6 pears in here would you consider Team Previews……………………………….7 “normal” or “regular?” Superlatives for this Season………………22 Anyway, enjoy this second pre- Best of Deep Thoughts by Dan Holloman.23 season issue and get to know the This Season’s Weekly Awards…………...24 other 7 teams that play in HHKB with Viva La Revolucion con Fiesta Martine….25 Barking Dog Power Rankings……………..26 you! HHKB Horoscopes………………………….27 Preseason Party Pics………………………28 Chris B

Conference 7N Standings Conference 7S Standings

W L T % W L T % Don’t 0 0 0 Squeezt B.O.O.O.M.!!! 0 0 0 the Juice! GOT 0 0 0 Booty?! Kick in a Box 0 0 0

Looking to 0 0 0 Score My Little Ponies 0 0 0 My Girl- 0 0 0 friend can’t Wrestle, OFF R BALLS 0 0 0 but you should see her Box Team of Bumbling 0 0 0 Drunks NPAK 0 0 0 The Hobo Minority 0 0 0 Taste the 0 0 0 Report Reign Bro We’ve Got 0 0 0 the Runz Where My Pitches 0 0 0 At? The Morning After… Page 2 www.happyhourkickball.com Actual and Factual News that We did NOT Make

Saturday, April 25: The 2nd Annual Bethesda Back 9 Bar Crawl! It’s a great time with some great specials. $3.00 gets you registered if you’re a HHKBer, $5.00 if not (and you bring canned goods), $7.00 without. Specials include $2.50 Bud and Bud Light Bottles, $3.00 Yuengling Drafts and other assorted specials on food and drink at each bar. Participating bars include, Union Jacks, Hard Times Café, Steamers, Saphire Café, Flannagan’s Harp and Fiddle, Wing Hub, Blackfinn, Tommy Joes and The Barking Dog

Registration from 12—5 pm at Union Jacks and specials run from 12pm—9pm.

Saturday, June 6: Kick Ass Party #1 to be held at the Barking Dog. Free Beer for all HHKBers, specials and a hell of a time! Get wasted and see your fellow kickballers in their nicest Saturday attire. Party starts at 7:00 pm and concludes at 11:00 pm in the sky lounge (upstairs). Theme to be determined in the coming weeks.

Saturday June 13: HHKB Night out at the DC Armor! We’re heading over to the DC Armory for an afternoon of tailgating and Indoor Football. Tix are $17.00 and this will get you your fix before the NFL Season. Respond to us either through the Ning Page or via email at [email protected]

Saturday, June 20: It’s the greatest time of year, the 3rd Annual Summer BEER OH LYMPICS! This wonderful event will be taking place at the Barking Dog in Bethesda starting around 12:30 pm and concluding around 6:30 pm. The events include: Flip Cup (5 people per side) Beer Pong (2 people per side) Team You Got Served (2 teams facing off around a circular table) Continuous A$$Hole (one member of every team playing at all times) The Beer Relay (takes what you did all day and slams it into one timed event) And a Mystery event to be determined!

Price is on a per person basis and will be determined based on the amount of teams participating. The entry fee gets you all the beer for the OH lympics and all you can drink during the day. If you’re interested in participating email us directly at [email protected] to save a spot.

Saturday, August 1: Playoff day and Kick Ass End of the Season Party. Details are still being worked out, but count on it being a great way to wind down after a long day of tournament style kickball. Awards ceremony and crowning of the Summer 2009 Happy Hour Kickball League Champion and Flip Cup Champion. Can the Kick in a Box and their porn ’staches repeat?

Events Planned for the Season: A night out with the DC United, Washington Nationals, DC Armor (indoor football league), a trip tubing, a trip out to Vegas and some charitable events that we want to participate in!

Rainouts —In the case of a rainout, the website will be updated by 4:00 pm, the day of the game. If the rainout oc- curs after 4:30 pm, the division heads will contact captains, or the appointed contact persons, and it will be the captains’ responsibility to inform their respective teams. Of course our specials at the Barking Dog will still be honored.

Referees —Each must provide a referee, either for the 6:30 pm game if you are playing at 7:15 pm or for the 7:15 pm game if you are playing at 6:30 pm. Failure to provide a referee will count as a forfeit.

Forfeit Policy— Only really occur if you have less than 4 people, this will be very difficult to accomplish, so we don’t think this should be an issue…

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This week’s upcoming Schedule

Field Scrimmage #2 Time Home Away (3 inning games) April 22, 2008

4 6:30 PM B.O.O.O.M.!!! Kick in a Box 5 My Little Ponies OFF R BALLS 6 Don’t Squeeze the Juice! The Hobo Minority Report

4 7:00 PM NPAK My Girlfriend can’t Wrestle but you should see her Box 5 We’ve Got the Runz GOT Booty 6 Where My Pitches At? Taste the Reign Bro 7 Team of Bumbling Drunks Looking to Score

Next Week’s Schedule

Field Week 1 Time Home Away April 29, 2009

4 6:30 PM GOT Booty Looking to Score 5 My Girlfriend can’t Wrestle Don’t Squeeze the Juice! but you should see her Box

6 NPAK The Hobo Minority Report

4 7:15 PM Taste the Reign Bro OFF R BALLS

5 We’ve Got the Runz My Little Ponies

6 B.O.O.O.M.!!! Team of Bumbling Drunks

7 Kick in a Box Where My Pitches At?

The Morning After… Page 6 www.happyhourkickball.com

Get to Know your Summer 2009 Happy Hour Kickball Teams For the first two issues of The Morning After we will be giving you a way to get to know all 14 teams by asking each captain some of the weirdest questions I could think of. See, “normal” questions don’t and won’t give you any kind of insight into the crazy that resides in all of us (or maybe just me, but whatever.

So sit back, relax, maybe get a little disturbed, aroused, enlightened, who knows, but dig in and enjoy!

Teams interviewed this week: We’ve Got the Runz , My Girlfriend can’t Wrestle but you should see her box! , Where My Pitches At?! , NPAK , Don’t Squeeze the Juice! , GOT Booty?! , and Looking to Score .

Please note these questions have not been altered in anyway. Interview with the We’ve Got the Runz Individual interviewed, Craig Fritz, captain of We’ve Got the Runz

1) Using an adjective, a noun, and a verb, describe your team to the league…NOW buffalo, buffalo, Buffalo

2) If your team were an infomercial host, would you be more like the Shamwow guy, or Ron Popeil, the food dehydrator, knife selling, hair painting guy, or other? Vince from Shamwow NO KISSING!!

3) Who on your team is most likely to pick up a hitchhiker? Follow up question, who is most likely to stab said hitchhiker for looking at them crosseyed? Mel would probably pick up the hitchhiker, she's pretty into randoms. Kakareka would definitely stab the guy, he's got a mean streak, people.

5) What song will your team be demanding to hear at the Barking Dog this season? Pokeher Face Lady GaGa

6) Who on your team is most likely to cry to get out of a speeding ticket? Linah , she seems like she could let the eye faucets flow.

7) I’m thinking of a number, which one? 8008135

The Morning After… Page 7 www.happyhourkickball.com

Interview with We’ve Got the Runz cont... 8) Who on your team would be the contest on the Price is Right to go $1.00 over the highest bid, thus sparking the ire of all those in the studio audience? Probably me , I'm a douche.

9) What team in the league would you say you most want to beat on the field, and on the tables? Taste the Reign, Bro simply the best team name out there.

10) I’m making Teen Wolf 3, and I need a contribution, is this something that could be of inter- est to you? Sure, I'd be an extra. Are we playing hockey this time?

11) If your team were one of the 6 actors who has portrayed James Bond, which one would you be? Roger Moore, we're not the best, but you'll remember us long after we're gone.

12) My legs are on fire, what are you going to do to put them out? Cut them off. Hey, free legs.

13) If your team were a beer, what type of beer would you be? Samuel Adams Summer Ale it's got grains of paradise.

14) Who on your team is most likely to lose it and just completely flip out at the fields, in a funny way of course? Charlie . You need to learn the rules dude.

15) Be honest, this is the most exciting part of your day isn’t it? Today? Second most exciting part.

16) Let’s say I owned an RV, and let’s say I needed a place to park it, and let’s say I was living in it, and let’s say it’s parked in front of your house, this a problem? Nope, I'll get you the visitors permit.

17) Jeans with no pockets in the back, are you pro or con? Definitely con. Denim sweatpants are a terrible idea.

18) Why did you decide to join HHKB for the summer season? I'm bringing it back.

19) What can we expect from your team with regard to bar participation this season? Full frontal. The Runz, Beach Week, Barking Dog, 2008 20) Bryant Gumbel or Greg Gumbel? Greg all the way. Bryant is a sniveling cockgobbler.

The Morning After… Page 8 www.happyhourkickball.com

Interview with My Girlfriend can’t Wrestle, but you should see her Box!

Individual interviewed, John Collins , captain of My Girlfriend can’t Wrestle but you should see her Box! 1) Using an adjective, a noun, and a verb, describe your team to the league…NOW Scritchalicious

2) If your team were an infomercial host, would you be more like the Shamwow guy, or Ron Popeil, the food dehydrator, knife selling, hair painting guy, or other? We would be like Jack Black with his VaPOOriser in the classic movie Envy. We’re going after We’ve Got The Runz this year with a vengeance.

3) Who on your team is most likely to pick up a hitchhiker? Follow up question, who is most likely to stab said hitchhiker for looking at them cross-eyed? More like who is most likely to BE a hitchhiker and that is Suvo Sur . He lives life by his own hobo-rules.

4) If your team was an Argentinean Rugby team, and you crashed in the Andes, who on your team would suggest eating people to live, and be honest, how long would the suggestion take to come forth? Well since we are an Argentinian rugby team and Marcos Guzman is the only one who speaks Spanish, he would probably suggest it first but it would probably take at least 10-15 minutes. Ironic too, b/c he’s a vegetarian.

5) What song will your team be demanding to hear at the Barking Dog this season? The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkel

6) Who on your team is most likely to cry to get out of a speeding ticket? Probably Maria Maxwell . She is a manipulator of minds.

7) I’m thinking of a number, which one? Number 1, as in number 1 pre-season power ranking! WOOO!! I’ve heard those rankings are determined through scientific research.

8) Who on your team would be the contest on the Price is Right to go $1.00 over the highest bid, thus sparking the ire of all those in the studio audience? Probably Chris Cunningham . He is so calculating, always knows the rules and exactly how to bend them to his advantage.

9) What team in the league would you say you most want to beat on the field, and on the tables? We really want to take down the Booty this year on the field because they are such fierce booty-pirates . On the tables, whichever team Le is on.

10) I’m making Teen Wolf 3, and I need a contribution, is this something that could be of inter- est to you? Only if I get to ride on the top of that 80’s van and borrow the wolf-suit for Halloween.

The Morning After… Page 9 www.happyhourkickball.com

Interview with My Girlfriend can’t Wrestle, but you should see her Box! cont...

11) If your team were one of the 6 actors who has portrayed James Bond, which one would you be? Definitely Sean Connery. He is one smooth operator and there can be no doubt that he drinks scotch.

12) My legs are on fire, what are you going to do to put them out? Smother them in ranch dressing and have Heather McFall lick them fireless.

13) If your team were a beer, what type of beer would you be? We would be a pilsner of course, with a good head, light body and slightly nutty.

14) Who on your team is most likely to lose it and just completely flip out at the fields, in a funny way of course? Well we have plenty of people on our team who would flip out for inappropriate and seemingly minor reasons, but the best funny on-the-field flip out will probably go to Blayne “the blade” Wil- son . He is crafty out there and sometimes his enthusiasm gets the best of him.

15) Be honest, this is the most exciting part of your day isn’t it? Yes.

16) Let’s say I owned an RV, and let’s say I needed a place to park it, and let’s say I was living in it, and let’s say it’s parked in front of your house, this a problem? Not as long as you spend your whole day wearing PJs, sitting on the curb and drinking Mick- eys out of a paper bag to remind me how to live right. And if you cut the grass.

17) Jeans with no pockets in the back, are you pro or con? On guys, weird, on girls, fabulous.

18) Why did you decide to join HHKB for the summer season? To come back and enact sweet revenge for our humili- ating loss in the second round of the playoffs last year. This year, we’re legit with a mix of returning ris- ing stars such as Blayne Wilson and Chris Gamboa , salty veterans such as Chris Cunningham and Tara Terndrup and fresh rookie talent like Justin Craver and Erica Dawsey . We also love flip cup.

19) What can we expect from your team with regard to bar participation this season? Drunk.

20) Bryant Gumbel or Greg Gumbel? Both, like in the award winning crime drama Gumbel and Gumbel.

MGCWBYSSHB , circa, Summer 2008

The Morning After… Page 10 www.happyhourkickball.com

Interview with Where My Pitches At? Individual interviewed Michelle Nowell , co-captain, Where My Pitches At?!

1) Using an adjective, a noun, and a verb, describe your team to the league…NOW AWESOME!

2) If your team were an infomercial host, would you be more like the Shamwow guy, or Ron Popeil, the food dehydrator, knife selling, hair painting guy, or other?

Billy Mays...he sells more products than the Popeil and the Shamwow guy. And have you see his new show on Discovery Channel.

3) Who on your team is most likely to pick up a hitchhiker? Follow up question, who is most likely to stab said hitchhiker for looking at them cross-eyed? Sara Burns would pick up a hitchhiker. Sarah Roach would stab the hitchhiker for looking at her cross-eyed. She would likely stab anyone who looked at her cross-eyed.

5) What song will your team be demanding to hear at the Barking Dog this season? Whatever song Matt Flynn says is "his jam."

6) Who your team is most likely to cry to get out of a speeding ticket? This seems like it would be Tiffany's move.

7) I’m thinking of a number, which one? 21 32 15 8 12 Powerball: 42

8) Who on your team would be the contest on the Price is Right to go $1.00 over the highest bid, thus sparking the ire of all those in the studio audience? It is a dick move but Michelle would do it anyway. It is not everyday that you could get a chance to play Plinko.

9) What team in the league would you say you most want to beat on the field, and on the tables? Some would say that we want to beat up on team HOTT Booty . Personally, I want to beat everyone.

10) I’m making Teen Wolf 3, and I need a contribution, is this something that could be of inter- est to you? Not that there is a need to make Teen Wolf 3 but if you insisted on making it I would contribute Luke and Rachel . They would make you an Academy Award winner.

The Morning After… Page 11 www.happyhourkickball.com

Interview with Where My Pitches At? cont...

11) If your team were one of the 6 actors who has portrayed James Bond, which one would you be? Sean Connery..smooth and sexy.

12) My legs are on fire, what are you going to do to put them out? Shout for you to stop, drop, and roll and cross my fingers that it works.

13) If your team were a beer, what type of beer would you be? Miller High Life...the Champagne of Beers.

14) Who on your team is most likely to lose it and just completely flip out at the fields, in a funny way of course? Robert or Chris , they are new to the team. Their behavior is completely unpredictable.

15) Be honest, this is the most exciting part of your day isn’t it? Not really, but it is giving me something to do while I digest my lunch.

16) Let’s say I owned an RV, and let’s say I needed a place to park it, and let’s say I was living in it, and let’s say it’s parked in front of your house, this a problem? Yeah, that isn't going to work out.

17) Jeans with no pockets in the back, are you pro or con? Con - it doesn't make sense. Pock- ets are necessary.

18) Why did you decide to join HHKB for the summer season? Drunken debauchery, of course.

19) What can we expect from your team with regard to bar participation this season? We will be there. Where there is beer there is Where My Pitches At?. Look for Scott to be shutting it down most nights.

20) Bryant Gumbel or Greg Gum- bel? Jonas Brothers are the only bros I care about. Where My Pitches At? Playoff Day, Summer 2008

The Morning After… Page 12 www.happyhourkickball.com

Interview with NPAK Individual interviewed Lili Khozeimeh , captain, NPAK

1) Using an adjective, a noun, and a verb, describe your team to the league…NOW ASS-KICKERS (obviously)

2) If your team were an infomercial host, would you be more like the Shamwow guy, or Ron Popeil, the food dehydrator, knife selling, hair painting guy, or other? Hard core knife sellers!!

3) Who on your team is most likely to pick up a hitchhiker? Follow up question, who is most likely to stab said hitchhiker for looking at them cross-eyed? Most likely to pick up: Andrew - if she were really hot, Doug otherwise for the guys. Jessica to pick them up for the girls Most likely to stab: Meg Rosan or Chris Roberts

5) What song will your team be demanding to hear at the Barking Dog this season? We couldn’t decide on just one song, so: Journey- Don’t Stop Believing; We are the champions and Eye of the tiger.

6) Who on your team is most likely to cry to get out of a speeding ticket? Maureen , Laura and the prosecutors.

7) I’m thinking of a number, which one? How many hours can we bill trying to decide and which client do we charge?

8) Who on your team would be the contest on the Price is Right to go $1.00 over the highest bid, thus sparking the ire of all those in the studio audience? Jeremy , Doug , Chris and Diego (we know how to play the game!)

9) What team in the league would you say you most want to beat on the field, and on the tables? My girlfriend can't wrestle, but you should see her box .

10) I’m making Teen Wolf 3, and I need a contribution, is this something that could be of inter- est to you? Haha, no!

11) If your team were one of the 6 actors who has portrayed James Bond, which one would you be? Gotta go for Sean Connery, if only for the SNL Jeopardy reference... that's not what your mother said last night, Trebek.

The Morning After… Page 13 www.happyhourkickball.com

Interview with NPAK cont... 12) My legs are on fire, what are you going to do to put them out? Do you agree to indemnify us for any increased degree of injury, pain, and or suffering incurred as a result of our efforts to assist you? Please sign here, in the presence of a notary, and we'll be glad to assist you. Then, we would piss on them because we can’t let you burn.

13) If your team were a beer, what type of beer would you be? Miller High Life-- the champagne of beers baby!

14) Who on your team is most likely to lose it and just completely flip out at the fields, in a funny way of course? Diego or Lindsey

15) Be honest, this is the most exciting part of your day isn’t it? Oh hell yeah- who can we bill it to?

16) Let’s say I owned an RV, and let’s say I needed a place to park it, and let’s say I was living in it, and let’s say it’s parked in front of your house, this a problem? Only if you act like the cousin on Christmas Vacation

17) Jeans with no pockets in the back, are you pro or con? Depends on the ass. But, why are we wearing jeans, isn't this a sport? We vote running shorts with those weird little key pockets on the inside.

18) Why did you decide to join HHKB for the summer season? Because we aren’t around lawyers enough, but we couldn’t say no to free beer and we need the exercise J

19) What can we expect from your team with regard to bar participation this season? Bar participation might be shoddy, but we will rule every flip cup game we show up for. Defi- nitely, Casey , Laura , Andrew , Doug and Diego for sure

20) Bryant Gumbel or Greg Gumbel? Neither, Matt Lauer instead.

NPAK is a new team, this is what comes up on Google when you type in their name!

The Morning After… Page 14 www.happyhourkickball.com

Interview with Don’t Squeeze the Juice! Individual interviewed The Entire Squad of Don’t Squeeze The Juice!

1) Using an adjective, a noun, and a verb, describe your team to the league…NOW Outstanding! (it is often used as an adjective, a noun, and a verb)

2) If your team were an infomercial host, would you be more like the Shamwow guy, or Ron Popeil, the food dehydrator, knife selling, hair painting guy, or other? Suzanne Sumers – hot looking and thighs that can crack ribs.

3) Who on your team is most likely to pick up a hitchhiker? Follow up question, who is most likely to stab said hitchhiker for looking at them cross-eyed? Becky ; Henrike (or vice versa I’m not sure)

5) What song will your team be demanding to hear at the Barking Dog this season? Save A Horse Ride a Cowboy – just to see Chris spaz out.

6) Who on your team is most likely to cry to get out of a speeding ticket? This has been successful for Steph in the past but her best was offering the officer mardi gras beads (she was wearing on the way home from theme week) to take home to his wife when pulled over for a broken taillight.

7) I’m thinking of a number, which one? 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510582097494459230781640628 620899862803482534211706798214808651328230664709384460955058223172535940812 848111745028410270193852110555964462294895493038196442881097566593344612847 564823378678316527120190914564856692346034861045432664821339360726024914127 372458700660631558817488152092096282925409171536436789259036001133053054882 046652138414695194151160943305727036575959195309218611738193261179310511854 807446237996274956735188575272489122793818301194912

8) Who on your team would be the contest on the Price is Right to go $1.00 over the highest bid, thus sparking the ire of all those in the studio audience? Ken – it also works well in kickball when he jumps over perfectly rolled pitches.

9) What team in the league would you say you most want to beat on the field, and on the tables? The Juice are firm in our commitment to the equal opportunity to beat all teams of the fields, the tables and the parking lot.

The Morning After… Page 15 www.happyhourkickball.com

Interview with Don’t Squeeze the Juice! cont... 10) I’m making Teen Wolf 3, and I need a contribution, is this something that could be of inter- est to you? After Allyson’s experience in the Rock Star video she is ready to expand her range in what is sure to be a tentpole summer blockbuster movie.

11) If your team were one of the 6 actors who has portrayed James Bond, which one would you be? Sean Connery James Bond Weren't you a blonde when I came in? Tiffany Case : Could be. James Bond : I tend to notice little things like that - whether a girl is a blonde or a brunette. Tiffany Case : Which do you prefer? James Bond : Well, as long as the collar and cuffs match...

12) My legs are on fire, what are you going to do to put them out? Stop, Drop, & Roll, baby!

13) If your team were a beer, what type of beer would you be? During the games our team is 67% beer – PBR to be specific. Thank the deities for pre- gaming at Comet.

14) Who on your team is most likely to lose it and just completely flip out at the fields, in a funny way of course? John “Juice” Jones of course. Flip out or fall down while not making a play. 90/10 chance of falling down before flipping out. Either way it will be funny.

15) Be honest, this is the most exciting part of your day isn’t it? For 2/3rds of the team, yes.

16) Let’s say I owned an RV, and let’s say I needed a place to park it, and let’s say I was living in it, and let’s say it’s parked in front of your house, this a problem? Sean says you can park it outside his place as long as he gets to use it in a video he is making of guitar hero.

17) Jeans with no pockets in the back, are you pro or con? Con – it looks bad on everyone. On the other hand, assless chaps look good on everyone.

18) Why did you decide to join HHKB for the summer season? Our normal AA meetings were getting boring and we decided to hang with profession- als.

19) What can we expect from your team with regard to bar participation this season? Flip Cup Champions!

20) Bryant Gumbel or Greg Gumbel? Greg Gumbel... When winter comes, he can store more nuts in his cheeks than Bryant can. The Morning After… Page 16 www.happyhourkickball.com

Interview with Don’t Squeeze the Juice! cont...

Don’t’ Squeeze the Juice! End of Season Party, Summer 2008

Interview with GOT Booty?!

Individual interviewed Chip Lipscomb , captain, GOT Booty?!

1) Using an adjective, a noun, and a verb, describe your team to the league… HOTT Looking Booty!

2) If your team were an infomercial host, would you be more like the Shamwow guy, or Ron Popeil, the food dehydrator, knife selling, hair painting guy, or other? Shamwow! He is energetic, loud, and what a booty !

3) Who on your team is most likely to pick up a hitchhiker? Follow up question, who is most likely to stab said hitchhiker for looking at them cross-eyed? A) Clairee [she has a nice booty!] B) Erich – have you seen him … he is a scary!

4) If your team was an Argentinean Rugby team, and you crashed in the Andes, who on your team would suggest eating people to live, and be honest, how long would the suggestion take to come forth? Jeremy “Durty J” Patton … and it would take a long time because we are just too bootylicious!

5) What song will your team be demanding to hear at the Barking Dog this season? Ms. New Booty – Bubba Sparks The Morning After… Page 17 www.happyhourkickball.com

Interview with GOT Booty?! cont... 6) Who on your team is most likely to cry to get out of a speeding ticket? Katie” KL2” Long … she would just give them the innocent … who me face … and then shake her booty !

7) I’m thinking of a number, which one? 69 – box and booty!

8) Who on your team would be the contest on the Price is Right to go $1.00 over the highest bid, thus sparking the ire of all those in the studio audience? Mike “Downtown” Brown .. he is the analytical one and has little concern for the Booty. His is BIG!

9) What team in the league would you say you most want to beat on the field, and on the tables? My Girlfriend Can’t Wrestle but You Should See her Box … because what do you get when you put Boxx with the Booty …… 69!

10) I’m making Teen Wolf 3, and I need a contribution, is this something that could be of inter- est to you? Booty booty rocking everywhere ……..

11) If your team were one of the 6 actors who has portrayed James Bond, which one would you be? Roger Moore because he rocked the tight golf pants in the late 80s which showed off his taut booty

12) My legs are on fire, what are you going to do to put them out? Sit on them with my lucious Booty !

13) If your team were a beer, what type of beer would you be? Bootylicious

14) Who on your team is most likely to lose it and just completely flip out at the fields, in a funny way of course? NO ONE… the BOOTY is full of love and scoring!

15) Be honest, this is the most exciting part of your day isn’t it? Anything to do with El Presidente is exciting…. Besides the Prez rocks the Booty!

16) Let’s say I owned an RV, and let’s say I needed a place to park it, and let’s say I was living in it, and let’s say it’s parked in front of your house, this a problem? No problem … sharing Booty means caring Booty!

17) Jeans with no pockets in the back, are you pro or con? Guys should NEVER wear jeans without pockets makes the Booty look bad, and ladies ONLY if you have a tiny tiny Booty!

The Morning After… Page 18 www.happyhourkickball.com

Interview with GOT Booty?! cont... 18) Why did you decide to join HHKB for the summer season? For all the Booty of course!

19) What can we expect from your team with regard to bar participation this season? HOTT ladies, booty shaking , and lots of SCORING!!!!

20) Bryant Gumbel or Greg Gumbel? They look the same they just have different first names…. Does anyone really care? Their bot- toms suck

Got Booty?! during the Fall Season of 2008

Interview with Looking to Score

Individual interviewed Stephen Porter , captain, Looking to Score

1) Using an adjective, a noun, and a verb, describe your team to the league…NOW Ass-kicking, ass-kickers, kicking-ass

2) If your team were an infomercial host, would you be more like the Shamwow guy, or Ron Popeil, the food dehydrator, knife selling, hair painting guy, or other? Shamwow

3) Who on your team is most likely to pick up a hitchhiker? Follow up question, who is most likely to stab said hitchhiker for looking at them cross-eyed? -Penny to pick him up, Scott to stab him .

The Morning After… Page 19 www.happyhourkickball.com

Interview with Looking to Score cont... 4) If your team was an Argentinean Rugby team, and you crashed in the Andes, who on your team would suggest eating people to live, and be honest, how long would the suggestion take to come forth? We would eat Ian . Scott would suggest eating him after twenty minutes.

5) What song will your team be demanding to hear at the Barking Dog this season? It's raining men. allleluuahh

6) Who on your team is most likely to cry to get out of a speeding ticket? Stephanie

7) I’m thinking of a number, which one? 7

8) Who on your team would be the contest on the Price is Right to go $1.00 over the highest bid, thus sparking the ire of all those in the studio audience? Pete

9) What team in the league would you say you most want to beat on the field, and on the tables? I don't know the team, but that guy Chip .

10) I’m making Teen Wolf 3, and I need a contribution, is this something that could be of inter- est to you? No

11) If your team were one of the 6 actors who has portrayed James Bond, which one would you be? Daniel Craig- all action

12) My legs are on fire, what are you going to do to put them out? Pee on them

13) If your team were a beer, what type of beer would you be? Beast Ice

14) Who on your team is most likely to lose it and just completely flip out at the fields, in a funny way of course? Sanchez

15) Be honest, this is the most exciting part of your day isn’t it? NOOO

16) Let’s say I owned an RV, and let’s say I needed a place to park it, and let’s say I was living in it, and let’s say it’s parked in front of your house, this a problem? Yes, I don't want to see Chris any more than I already have to.

The Morning After… Page 20 www.happyhourkickball.com

Interview with Looking to Score cont... 17) Jeans with no pockets in the back, are you pro or con? Con

18) Why did you decide to join HHKB for the summer season? Bitches

19) What can we expect from your team with regard to bar participation this season? Little

20) Bryant Gumbel or Greg Gumbel? Wayne Brady

Some of those Looking to Score , Barking Dog, Summer 2008

Random Photo of the Party Starter to fill Space

The Morning After… Page 21 www.happyhourkickball.com 2009 Summer Superlative Categories (number of votes in parentheses)

In this space each week you will find out where you or your team stands in the superlative standings. Superlatives are sold on a weekly basis at the Barking Dog (unless I am in a particular mood that I just want to have some fun) for $1.00 for five votes, if you want more than five votes you can pay more and get as many votes as you want on the sheet. All pro- ceeds raised from the Superlative voting goes to The Children’s Inn at NIH.

You will notice that the categories aren’t broken down by gender, mostly because that seems unnecessary, if you’re the biggest flirt you should get the recognition you deserve!

The only category that is not voted on is The Most Charitable Team which is based on how much money that your team spends on these things, and to win that award puts you in high esteem from all your league compatriots just because it shows you’re giving.

So get ready for the season and come by the bar starting in Week 2 with some straight cash homies and let’s help out a good cause!

Most Spirited Team Drunkest Team MVP Most Flirtatious Drunkest Most Charitable Player Player Team

The Morning After… Page 22 www.happyhourkickball.com Deep Thoughts by Dan Holloman

A collection of the brilliance that is Daniel Chaney Holloman

In this space, Dan Holloman will share some of the knowledge and wisdom that he has acquired throughout his life. From his travels to the highest peaks, to lowest points of the mid Atlantic ridge, to the far east to the unimaginable deserts of California. Dan Holloman has lived more than most of us have or ever will in his short time on this earth so be sure to come back to his column every single week.

Consider yourself lucky, LUCKY DAMN IT, to be getting to read this brilliance for free! Shamans, Soothsayers, Wise Men on Mountain Tops have nothing on this man’s man! His often consulted by Presidents, Heads of states, Multi millionaires, CEOs, CFOs, UFOs and anyone in between!

So now, without further ado, here is the Best of Dan Holloman , my hero and yours:

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick.

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people "the cops."

But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school! You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

Every eight minutes, someone has sex with an animal...and you wonder why the attack you.

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.

It's all about diet. You got to eat right. What's the best thing to eat? Chicken and fish. I'm thinking, why not combine the two: penguin. A penguin's a little bit of both, isn't he? He's a bird, yet he swims, he's a buffet of good health.

*thoughts from DH may or may not be from DH and should be consulted at your own risk.*

The Morning After… Page 23 www.happyhourkickball.com

ThisThis Season’s Week’s Awards Awards

The Billy Dee Williams Smooooth Play of the Week This award goes to someone who not only does something well on the field, but in a way that would make even Billy Dee smile!

The BOOM Goes the Dynamite Award This award goes to an individual who blows it up on the field, big kick, game changing catch, anything!

The Sticky Icky Buds Hand of the Week Award This award goes to the individual who makes some or just one in- credible catch!

The Chuck Norris Big Kick of the Week Award This award goes to the biggest kick of the week, usually something in the homerun area.

The Yellow Bed Pan for Kickball Ineptitude Award This is just what it sounds like, it recognizes awful but usually funny play.

The Fat Joe Make it Rain Award This award can be given to the team that spends the most money on the charity in a given night, or a team that gives up the most runs, it’s versatile!

The Morning After… Page 24 www.happyhourkickball.com

Viva La Revolucion con Fiesta Martine!

Things to remember during HHKB Scrimmages

Welcome my fellow socially awkward companions, who need massive amounts of alcohol to find the courage to try to have unsatisfying sex with strangers that never quite fills that hole in their heart their unloving mother left there. It's kickball season again FUCK YEAH! Another season of running around and playing a sport usually reserved for 8 year-olds on Ritalin. As our first actual scrimmage week approaches I thought I would point out some things to remember about HHKB:

1. Practice They say every great player works all week in practice so they can play during the game. I'm not sure what the hell that means. At HHKB, practice is another chance to cluster together somewhere on the field (usually not a "traditional" position) and talk to friends you see every other day about inane things. Actually HHKB practice is a lot like live games.

Important tip- During practice (or a game) when counting the blades of grass, count in bunches of five or more. Can't tell you how many times I made the mistake of counting one at a time only to lose my place and have to start over. But that's life you learn from your mistakes then repeat those mistakes over and over. Little known fact about Field 4, did you know there were 9,612 blades of grass in my eye-line from right field last season? 2. Equipment

"A player is nothing without their equipment" - Me As the quote says you can have all the heart, talent and brains you want out there. In the end you’re still some weird naked dude running around the bases.

• Shoes - I like the kind that go on your feet the best. Typically having them light enough to walk or run in also helps. Other than that to each their own. Clothes - These make that whole naked thing go away and believe me, the world is going to be thanking you for that. I also think there is some rule about having to wear an official HHKB t-shirt but like all the refs and players in this league I've never read the rules. 3. Have FUN

Yes just like little league we're happy that you just showed up. Great part about having fun is there is no right way to do it. Some people's idea of fun is stripping down naked, laying in a bed of velvet while olive oil is rubbed on their bald head. Others like the oil rubbed elsewhere. The important part of course is the velvet!

So that's it, should be a great year of kickball and debauchery. 3 years running and not one stomach pumped yet! Let's keep that streak alive!

Final note: If you hadn't heard there is going to be an awesome bar crawl this Saturday. The Be- thesda Back 9 Bar Crawl. Come on out I'll be there and If see you there I promise to look at you strangely in way that makes both of us uncomfortable. The Morning After… Page 25 www.happyhourkickball.com

Barking Dog Power Rankings presented by Bud Light

Week 2 — April 17, 2009

1 Don’t Squeeze the Juice (7) – The Juice almost had their entire team out this past Wednesday, and that is obviously gonna vault you to the top spot.

2 Taste the Reign Bro (3) – A good group was there, playing Flip Cup and Pong, and David A passed out a la T-Payne !

3 We’ve Got the Runz (10) – Team was strong in representation with both the old guard and new.

4 My Little Ponies (11) –The Ponies were out in force, this could be an omen, and they broke out some dance that could have all comers rocking and roll- ing this summer. 5 B.O.O.O.M.!!! (6) – A great group, and it did appear that Annie was baffled by something at one point…what I don’t know!

6 Kick in a Box (4) – A poor showing considering, but those that came out, came out strong. Chris also won Survivor, take that Kakareka !

7 Team of Bumbling Drunks (14) – Slarammee and the Shriners were holding down the left corner of the bar, but it wouldn’t hurt to venture elsewhere.

8 GOT Booty?! (9) – Chip, Miguel and a couple ladies, but participation in bar events needed a little work, you guys can most certainly do better.

9 Looking to Score (13) – While Stephen finds scrimmages useless, her certainly finds free beer to be quite useful.

10 OFF R BALLS (8) – There was Jim, doing his thing on the Flip Cup Table, hopefully the rest of the group can come out this week.

11 Where My Pitches At? (5) – Small crowd of WMPA?, but Meagan did play Pong and that is a special occasion in itself.

12 NPAK (12) – Hey! There’s Lili….wait, where did she go?

13 The Hobo Minority Report (2) – Nobody showed, oh Hobos …

13 My Girlfriend Can’t Wrestle, but you should see her box (1) – What a fall for the top two teams from last week….

The Morning After… Page 26 www.happyhourkickball.com

Happy Hour Horoscopes Happy Hour Horoscopes Every week, we will give you a look into your future as we consult the stars...welcome to Happy Hour Horoscopes!

Aries— This Saturday you will be determine it a good idea to forgo all plans in favor of the Bethesda Back 9 Bar Crawl.

Taurus—Brett Favre will come to you in a dream crying about Madden retiring and not being able to attend the Back 9, lucky for you, you are not that ass Brett Favre.

Gemini—You will drink cheap beer at great prices at the Back 9 Bar Crawl.

Cancer—Kanye West does not care about you, that is unless you decide to attend the Back 9 Bar Crawl!

Leo —Embarrassing photos of you will surface on the Internet this Thursday, come to the Back 9 and I may just remove them….but probably not.

Virgo—A paternity test will determine that you are not the father of that child, mostly because you are a woman, and since that’s not your kid, come out to the Back 9 and tap it in!

Libra—When you are struck in the head by a golf ball (repeatedly) you will find you can see the future….and that future is leading you to a golf themed bar crawl this weekend!

Scorpio—Those pants you’re wearing are not bar crawl appropriate...but don’t go dig up Bobby Trent Jones body to get at his pants for the Back 9….freak!

Sagittarius—Joe the Drinker will be at the Back 9 Bar Crawl, and you will too!

Capricorn—You will write a new song a la “I’m on a Boat” by Lonely Island, but it will be called, “I’m on a Bar Crawl” after the glorious time you have this Saturday at the Back 9.

Aquarius—The stars have aligned to chart your course to Union Jacks for registration at Noon this Saturday!

Pisces—Go to the 2nd Annual Bethesda Back 9 Bar Crawl!

The Morning After… Page 27 www.happyhourkickball.com

At the Barking Dog, in Pictures

Annie just found out about the new Star Trek movie from Tim, she is excited!

When in doubt make out with yourself, a la Albers

2 and 2, Alan will be right back at you.

Never wake a sleeping Aneiva...never!

The Morning After… Page 28 www.happyhourkickball.com