volume 13 - issue 5 - tuesday, february 18, 2013 - uvm, burlington, vt uvm.edu/~watertwr - thewatertower.tumblr.com

by patrickmurphy You are not pooping correctly. Th at’s right, you heard me, you are pooping all wrong. Now who am I to tell you this? I am no gastroenterologist, I have not been to med school (yet), nor have I ever ad- ministered a colonoscopy. But I can assure you that I have taken a fair number of un- comfortable and lengthy shits in my life, enough to actually research the possible diseases I may have. My primary care doc- tor once asked me at the end of my rou- tine checkup the mandatory query, “So do you have any other questions?” To which I followed up with, “I think I fart and poop way too much.” His muffl ed laughter at my concern not only made me self-conscious, but also determined to fi nd a cure to my irregular pooping habits. My research, which is backed up by not only my own extrapolations from per- sonal experiences, but also by legitimate studies and historical evidence, has con- cluded that this second-nature activity we all do is being performed entirely wrong. For the majority of our existence, humans by wesdunn have pooped in a squatting position not sit- ting upright as we do today. Take toddlers You’ve probably heard about the latest nies, which is obviously hypocritical and I Since the fall semester, Student Cli- in diapers for example; they know how to environmental campaign on campus – di- daresay downright bollocks. In response, a mate Culture has been working to raise poop. I have never once seen a toddler im- vestment. Whether it was a fl yer or sign you group of mostly Rubenstein students de- awareness and to compel the Board of mediately assume a wall squat in order to saw somewhere, a Cynic article you read, or cided to get on that case under the moniker Trustees to divest from fossil fuels. With take a dump. No. He goes straight for that perhaps even the chanting crowd in the Da- of “Vermont Student Climate Culture.” more research under their belts this se- comfortable butt-below-the-knees stance vis Center a couple Friday aft ernoons ago Th is group is one of the major players mester, they have honed their demands to that pushes his stool out with the greatest that you awkwardly walked through with a in the divestment movement here. Here are a more specifi c proposal: a freeze in any of ease. confused smirk; you probably have an idea some of the others: further investment in the top 200 fossil fuel Most of the world actually assumes of what’s going on. In case you haven’t had - Richard Cate – Vice President of Fi- companies, dropping the Blackrock All- this position for their daily excretions. the privilege of such enlightenment, here’s nance and Administration. Cap energy fund entirely (an asset laden When an American goes to visit a lesser- the basic deal: with fossil fuel companies), and phasing developed nation and experiences that Our fi ne University has an endow- uvm markets an image of out all investments in accounts in which impending “culture shock,” one of the fi rst ment in the three hundred million range fossil fuel companies make up 5% or more things they will say is, “Can you believe that it invests for profi t. It’s largely a sep- environmental innovation and of the account by 2017. they don’t even use toilets in [insert your arate entity, meaning it isn’t your parent’s leadership to prospective I was one of the few non-Student Cli- favorite eastern/third world nation here]!?! money being invested by the University students, but simultaneously mate Culture/Socially Responsible Invest- It’s just a hole in the ground!” Next time (well, something like 3 percent of it is ment Committee members who attended some privileged upper middle-class hu- invested), but most of it is alumni dona- invests in fossil fuel companies a panel discussion in Aiken to talk about man groans this predictable phrase, grab tions and the like. In the past, the Uni- divestment on Wednesday the 6th. Of the them hard by the shoulders (like it’s their versity has been targeted for investing four speakers, I feel like I got the most out fi rst colonoscopy) and tell them that this is the endowment in companies operating -Board of Trustees – Th e big cheese. of Gary Flomenholf, a fellow at the Gund the way our poops were meant to be expe- in South Africa during Apartheid, compa- Specifi cally, the investment sub-committee Institute for Ecological Economics, and rienced! nies operating in Sudan during the Darfur of the Trustees handles the endowment. Richard Cate. Since the invention of the upright confl ict, tobacco companies, and depleted -Th e Socially Responsible Investment Flomenholf got right to the point, lay- fl ushing toilet in the late 1800s, the western uranium waste companies. Th e term for Committee - a volunteer group of faculty, ing out four (count em, four) reasons why world has been plagued by this truly evil discontinuing these investments is, you undergrads and graduate students who he supports divesting from fossil fuels that device. Not only does the fl ushing toilet guessed it, divestment. compile, polish and present investment-re- didn’t have to do with protecting/saving waste millions upon millions of gallons of Th e issue is that UVM markets an lated proposals from the UVM community mother earth necessarily, and thus would potable water (don’t even get me started on image of environmental innovation and to Cate, who then advises the Investment likely resonate more with the money-driv- auto-fl ush toilets), this throne of despair leadership to prospective students, but si- sub-committee of the Board of Trustees. en Trustees. induces a whole slew of digestive health multaneously invests in fossil fuel compa- Oh UVM, you so bureaucrazy… ... read the rest on page 5 ... read the rest on page 7

burrito battle screw automatic toilets sharp-dressed man talkin’ with they might be giants by wts t a ff by michaelstorace by dannissim by dansuder news ticker: So the Pope’s retiring, we didn’t want to be the only news outlet in the world not mention it. +++ Gunmen abduct foreigners in Nigeria +++ Farc prisoner released after one monthg

by kerrymartin Dear readers, Two long years ago, the world watched clashes between civilians and police forces when the same countries still seem right in ies have not lost sight of their goal to build the Middle East and held its breath. A that left over fifty dead. Morsi campaigned the midst of their revolutions, and even in self-sustaining governments based on a How, as the Germans say, goes it for you? We know you’re out there; we keep having to refill with jamiebeckett Tunisian fruit vendor’s public self-immo- on revolutionary ideals, and now his oppo- Egypt where a parliamentary, presidential, modern Arab identity. Dabashi says it well: the stands with papers, and we sometimes hide in bushes and watch you reading the water tower. lation in late 2010 sparked protests that nents are comparing him to Mubarak. and constitutional elections have already “Muslims have entered a world historic The state of the union –Literally the state of the union including forced Tunisia’s President Zine Ben Ali to On the same day last week, the Syrian been held, anti-government dissent casts moment when neither domestic tyranny, Despite this, the inbox has gotten awful lonely these past few weeks, with nary a comment from you but not limited to: an outdated and aging infrastructure, impending all in re this rag. Surely someone out there has something they want to say! Someone must have en- give up his twenty-four-year rule. Similar National Coalition captured the country’s city streets back to the chaos of Mubarak’s nor vulgar militant Islamism, nor vicious environmental crises, and belligerent bipartisanship that perpetuates uprisings spread into Morocco, Libya, Ye- largest hydroelectric plant, another chapter last days in office. So are we witnessing the Islamophobia, nor indeed racist imperial joyed, even for a passing moment, something that we have printed. Maybe someone really hates the crippling stagnation. Obama’s hope filled speech, however, was dif- way we structure our staff list and feels that we and the wider population should be made aware of men, Bahrain, Syria, and Egypt, where in a gory stalemate that shows no signs of rocky beginnings of democratization, or hubris prevents them from rethinking their ficult to hear over my throbbing liberal erection. Congress send that secular despots had stunted their countries’ stopping. The Coalition is a loose alliance the first chapter of much longer revolu- collective faith, and reasserting their collec- this fact. Did you receive a stunningly beautiful/atrociously uncomfortable I Want You So Bad? Let man some bills! us know. At the very least there has to be someone, somewhere, who is righteously indignant about economic and humanitarian development of rebel factions, composed of everyday tions, or the establishment of regimes that tive identity in a vastly different world than for decades. Syrian citizens hardened and unified by are no less corrupt and hated than the ones their parental generations had bequeathed some article written at some point within the last seven years that they feel must be addressed, write Lack of places to dispose of waste/littering – I don’t know the exact in blood if possible. Send those to us! We like them! They’re usually pretty funny. And as long as Egyptian security forces refused to fire their common contempt for Assad’s refusal they replaced? to them.” number of garbage cans to be found on campus but I do know that it’s on their fellow citizens, allowing millions to step down and the resulting civil war, Let’s ask an Iranian; they seem to know So to answer our big what-the-fuck- they casually manage to avoid blatant racism and/or spiteful cruelty, and are kept to a short enough not enough. I get that it is annoying to hold on to your waste to find length to fit in this box right here------> to storm Tahrir Square in Cairo, where that has by now claimed 70,000 lives and a thing or two about revolutions. In his op- is-going-on, I must admit that anything’s the proper disposal bins, but seriously fuck all of you guys that litter. they protested for democracy for eighteen displaced over a million more. ed titled “Wresting Islam from Islamists,” possible. Egypt could fall back into violent We’ll print it, by Jove. I don’t care if you’re drunk, I don’t want to step on your smashed So we look forward to hearing from you, you beautiful beasts. In the meantime, enjoy some sex days until President Hosni Mubarak finally And still on the same day, Iran cel- Prof. Hamid Dabashi describes the Arab revolution and spark rebellions against bottles or see your PBR can five feet off the pathway. I’m getting real stepped down on February 11th, 2011, af- ebrated the 34th anniversary of its 1979 Spring as “the end of post-colonialism,” governments that survived the first two positivity from Erasmus: tired of your shit… “If we were willing to evaluate things not according to the opinion of the crowd, but according ter three decades of stagnant rule. Libya’s Islamic Revolution, and both in Iran and drawing a stark contrast between Arab years of the Arab Spring, like Morocco Muammar Gaddafi fell next, and Syria’s across the Middle East, Ayatollah Khomei- Spring revolutions and struggles by African and Jordan, or even Saudi Arabia and Iran. to nature itself, how is it less repulsive to eat, chew, digest, evacuate, and sleep after the fashion of Keystone pipeline – Granted, churning up Canadian soil to fuel dumb animals, than to enjoy lawful and permitted carnal relations?” Bashar al-Assad was predicted to follow. ni’s Shi’ite supporters drowned out the per- and Arab colonies to gain independence Or Morsi could continue amassing power America’s oil addiction doesn’t sound like that bad of an idea, but I Political cartoonists put the faces of sistent calls for reform in Morocco, whose from their Western colonizers. During and become the next Ayatollah Khomeini, can’t help but get the feeling that tar sands might have some not so Arab dictators on dominos, knocking each revolution bore little fruit, and in Gulf the 20th century, post-independent disil- Assad could gain an upper hand against Live Long and Prosper, hidden externalities. Maybe that’s what all those protests were about. James Aglio and Liz Cantrell, Editors-in-Chief other down, and the media drilled the term States, where the Saudi military silenced all lusionment plagued these nascent nations. the rebels and become the next Saddam “Arab Spring” into our collective conscious- calls for revolution before they could take Their new leaders—sometimes elected by Hussein, and the entire Arab world could Procrasterbation – Not to be confused with masturbation, which ness. Sure, more astute observers predicted hold. popular vote, but more commonly handed become a battleground between minority happens to be one of my favorite ways to procrastinate. Avoid all the that things wouldn’t pan out so simply, but Many dreams of Middle Eastern meta- power by their former colonizers or self- extremist factions. Or Egyptian democracy Sometimes reading the water tower makes our readers want to get naked and fight the power. responsibilities with important things like SnapChat and drugs, then optimism dominated the moment. morphosis have yet to be realized, and appointed after a military coup—adopted could proceed as planned until 2016, when But most of the time, they just send emails. Send your thoughts on anything in this week’s issue to watch how time flies. Before you know it you’re waking up early to But the Arab World could not cel- many hopes have already been shattered. the corrupt habits of their predecessors and Morsi’s term is up, Assad has been ousted, [email protected] rail adderal, write a paper, and cram for a test all before noon. Who ebrate last week’s two-year anniversary as Progress has been either slow or backward, did nothing to heal the economic, environ- violence has diminished, and Egyptians are knew you could half ass so much shit in so little time. g a job well done. On February 11th, 2013, and nothing that happens comes with a mental, and cultural damage left by brutal ready to elect a liberal voice of the revolu- Egyptians protesting the president they sense of permanence. Debates over the colonialism. tion, a champion of 21st century Arab na- elected last summer—Muslim Brother- role of government and Islam have become But the Arab Spring is a different tional and religious identity. hood leader Muhammad Morsi—were heated and violent in countries that al- story. While I think that “the end of post- I remain optimistic: the Arab Spring chased away from his palace with water lowed no room for debate for generations. colonialism” is too forgiving of Western began with clear intentions that have not the water tower. cannons and tear gas. This zero-tolerance Whether you’re an up-to-date Arabist, a colonization, whose devastating legacy still been entirely met, and if we’ve learned any- uvm’s alternative newsmag with kerrymartin policy has become characteristic of Morsi daily news novice, or a Syrian mother in a holds many African and Arab states in an thing from the past two years it’s that these uvm.edu/~watertwr lately, whose strategy for quieting dissent breadline, we have an important question economic bind, it’s important to note that revolutionaries are rarely willing to com- ______Editors has grown from stubborn and assertive to to ask ourselves: what the fuck is going on? the Arab Spring revolutions took place in promise. Whatever happens, it’s in Arab Editors-in-Chief James Aglio “The web page for this app states that the app is ‘FOR ENTERTAIN- megalomaniacal and murderous. Port Said, There have been plenty of days lately countries that have been trying to legislate hands, and I can only pray that the West Liz Cantrell an Egyptian city along the Suez Canal, de- when Arab nations (excluding Syria) have themselves and forge national and cultural minds its own fucking business, alhamdu- MENT’ and enables women to estimate the size of a man’s penis based clared independence from Morsi’s govern- appeared calm, settled, and in the stages of identities for several decades. So even two lillah. g News Editor ment last month, which triggered bloody revolutionary recovery. Then there are days years into the Arab Spring, revolutionar- Kerry Martin on his shoe size.” Around Town Editor -A suit filed against Hewlett Packard by rock legend Chubby Checker, demanding a whopping half-billion dollars for “irreparable Cait O’Hara damage” to his reputation. I’m not sure what’s more embarrassing, having your stage name turned into a wang-guessing game, or de- Reflections Editor manding millions from an app that generated $24 of profit. Either way, he’s got small shoes to fill, if you know what I mean. Phoebe Fooks Fashion Editor Sarah Perda “How do you know when a police of- “It was a light which never hap- Fork It Over Editor Jamie Beckett ficer is lying??? When he begins his pens in life, it happens probably by jamesaglio Créatif Stuffé Editor Beth Ziehl sentence with, ‘based on my experi- only in the end of the world.” Have you met my friend, Chad? Different Chad tells me that this is the same 80% that farms the -Valentina Nikolayeva, a schoolteacher in Chelyabinsk, Rus- from that Nordic giant of a man in Bermuda shorts 2.3% of the land that is arable. Tunes Editor ence and training…’” sia, describing the nearby meteorite explosion on Friday that who just really likes to lax, bro. I mean the coun- This poverty is not a recent development, ei- Dylan McCarthy -Christopher Dorner—the former Los Angeles cop who shocked injured 1,200 people and shattered over a million square feet the nation by killing four innocent people—criticizing the LAPD for try Chad (or Tchad, if you speak that vile tongue ther. [T]chad was a French colony for the first half Humor Editor of glass. Scientists have proclaimed this the biggest asteroid [French]). Chad is, for lack of a better word, de- of the twentieth century, and their management of Collin Cappelle its excessive brutality and racism in the six-page manifesto he posted explosion since 1908, but it would have been worse if Vlad- online. The days-long manhunt for Dorner ended on Valentine’s, pressing. Shaped like a head with the hair of Johnny the country could be generously described as ne- Copy Editor amir Putin hadn’t flown into the atmosphere and slowed the Bravo, the nose of Andy Capp, and the fierce un- glectful. [T]chad is where they got most of their when the incinerated corpse found at the site of a police shootout meteor with his bare hands. Laura Greenwood (and subsequent fire) was identified as his. derbite of a Spanish Habsburg, it doesn’t get much cotton and the unskilled labor to pick it. prettier up close. Three times the size of California, Things didn’t exactly improve for the Chadians Art Editors Malcolm Valaitis only 2.3% of the land is arable, which poses a prob- after France handed over governmental control in Kitty Faraji lem for the 80% of the ten million Chadians that the post war period. Autocratic control wielded by ______Staff depend on subsistence farming. President Tombalbaye gave way to a total structural Writers “The last thing we want is the Taliban successfully overcoming a strong Once a crossroads of civilization, Chad’s land- collapse of the country and several decades of civil Rebecca Laurion lockedness has basically prevented it from partici- war. Invaded by Libya, a Chadian named Hissene Cole Burton point after we’ve left. That’s almost as bad as them getting ready to- at Stacey Brandt pating in modern shipping, which is probably why Habre united the people, drove out the foreign army, Dan Suder tack us as we’re leaving.” people have never heard of it despite its proximity and then proceed to kill 40,000 of his countrymen Michael Storace -Major Thomas Casey, an officer stationed in Afghanistan, stressing the potential risks of bringing home half of our American troops to other, more famous neighbors such as Libya, Su- until overthrown by his general, Idriss Deby. Patrick Murphy from Afghanistan by the end of the year. Obama neglected to mention these risks when announcing the plan in last week’s State of the dan, and Nigeria. Deby has held power since, and things have Dan Nissim Union address, but to his credit, it’s about time this fucking war ended. Chad holds the dubious distinction of being slightly improved. Oil exploitation began ten years Art marginally less corrupt than Iraq on the Corrup- ago, with the hope that Chad could make itself felt Ben Berrick the water tower is UVM’s alternative newsmag and is a weekly student publication at the University of Vermont in Burlington, Vermont. tions Perception Index (Fun Fact: Denmark, Fin- on the world economic stage, Kuwait or Saudi style. Barry Guglielmo land, and New Zealand all tied for least corrupt Instead, ethnic violence is on the up and up, rebel Katharine Longfellow contact the wt. read the wt. join the wt. Our generation stands at a Julianna Roen nation this past year). It’s also roughly as poor as groups have stormed the capital (without success) Letters to the Editor/General B/H Library - 1st Floor New writers and artists crossroads. With sincerity and Tajikistan, which I take to mean that the treasury twice in the past decade, and the UN High Com- Kevin Kennedy [email protected] Davis Center - 1st Floor Entrance are always welcome humor, we strive to make you Mariel Brown-Fallon reexamine, investigate, question, has exactly three guavas (the nominal GDP is actu- missioner for Refugees has warned that a Darfur- Lauryn Schrom Editors-in-Chief: Davis Center - Main St. Tunnel Weekly meetings [email protected] L/L - Outside Alice’s Café Tuesdays at 7:30 pm learn, and maybe pee your pants ally right around 9 billion US dollars, $20 billion style genocide may be imminent. Let’s hope it Layout Advertising: Old Mill Annex - Main Lobby Chittenden Bank Room along the way. We are the reason when adjusted for purchasing power parity). 80% of doesn’t come to that. In the meantime: here’s g Craig Pastel [email protected] Waterman - Main Lobby Davis Center - 4th Floor people can’t wait for Tuesday. the population lives below the poverty line, making to you, people of Chad. Do one’s best. ______Special Thanks To Williams - Inside Steps Or send us an email We are the water tower. it more of a poverty high-jump bar, and something UVM Art Department Digital Lab Online - uvm.edu/~watertwr kevin kennedy by lizcantrell Over the river and through the traffic circle, to small-town Winooski we go. If you’ve Every town has its downsides, and I won’t sugar-coat it: going to and from downtown ever wondered what’s on the other side of Trinity Campus (no, it doesn’t just Burlington or campus is a pain in the ass, especially late at night. You’ve got to rely on the We here at the water tower happen to enjoy burritos to a great degree. And here in our lovely little college town there’s no shortage of burrito options lead into south Canada), there’s, well, that’s where I live. Since I’m rocking a 05401 zip code, CCTA or the drunk bus to drop you off at Trinity, and when it’s a smoldering 7 degrees out- nor locations. But we like our burritos fast, quick and delicious, and for something to meet those sort of specifications, there’s really only a few places I don’t technically live in Winooski, but I’m about as far down Colchester Ave side and the last bus is at 11:00, you will regret your choice to move there. Plus, while it does we can explore. So three of our lovely writers decided to put their favorite locales on the line, and thus the burrito battle began. as you can get without being under the bridge itself. At first, my roommates and I were skep- have a few coffee shops and art galleries, downtown Winooski does fall a little flat outside of by dansuder tical about giving up easy access to all of downtown Burlington, but since the restaurant/bar paradigm. Those are pretty much your two choices: eat or drink. But hey, moving last spring, we’ve adjusted to our you can always chilat the rotary. Seriously. Work on your by mikestorace Moe’s is better than Chipot- new humble home. Fast & Furious moves and just whip around that puppy le and Boloco, and it’s because 1) As far as food and drink goes, Win- for hours of entertainment and heart-attack inducing Chipotle has revolutionized the fast food world with the invention of the fast, casual Mexican Moe’s is delicious, 2) if Chipotle ooski fare is surprisingly diverse. By far the traffic maneuvers. Or, you can be boring and bring a pic- restaurant. Not fast food, Taco Bell (or should I say dog food), but a level above the simple low grade and Gigli had a child, that child best in town is Tiny Thai. BYOB, cheap, nic to the cute little park/fountain area. product fast-service dining. It exceeds its competitors by boasting both the highest quality ingredients would still be more overrated cozy, and always delicious, it’s certainly College-student entertainment aside, perhaps the and the best tasting food. Although lacking in the option department, there really is nothing else that than Arcade Fire, and 3) Boloco a contender for the top Asian restaurant most unique feature of Winooski is that it’s a designated the Chipotle customer could possibly want. Fans and addicts everywhere come for one thing only: the just kind of sucks. Let’s go point in the greater Burlington area. The other Refugee Resettlement community. There are over thirty burrito. This masterpiece truly is a work of art. Individuals can choose different variations within their by point. standout is Sneakers, which serves up an languages spoken by its residents, and it’s the most racial- burrito, and every single option comes out a winner. You walk into Moe’s, you unsurpassed breakfast/brunch menu. Get ly diverse town in the state. An African hip-hop group Choice begins with what type of beans and rice you want, a rather inconsequential decision. The say the funny pop-culture name after their mimosas, load up on pancakes called A2VT released a song, “Winooski, My Town” that real choice begins with the meat! All four choices, chicken, steak, barbacoa, or carnitas, are delicious, of your burrito, you tell them with banana or chocolate chips, and feel celebrates this diversity by spotlighting people who have mouth-watering, delectable, to-die-for, and to-kill-for. Also, as the environmentally and social con- you want pinto beans, and you the love. If you’re looking for a standard resettles here. It’s only got about 24,000 views on You- scious being that I strive to be, I choose Chipotle because it advertises sustainably raised animals with- ask for sautéed mushrooms and tavern, head to McKee’s for late-night pub Tube, but it’s well made and pretty damn catchy. More out antibiotics and hormones. Most of their products are organic, as well, and you can check online for cucumbers in addition to the food and a surprisingly decent Sunday than that, it’s a sincere tribute to the cultural situation in more details. Next in line comes the salsas; choose corn, tomatoes (mild), green tomatillo (medium), standard “cheese, lettuce, pico” brunch. Misery Loves Co. is a newcomer, the town, and it’s absolutely worth the 3 minutes and 41 hot or all 3, sour cream, and/or guacamole (shit, it does cost extra). Lastly, watch your jam-packed bur- combination. Then you eat, and offering eclectic sandwiches like the Kore- seconds it takes to watch the video to see a snapshot of rito get delicately folded and feel your mouth start to water. it is good. PLUS, they now have an Ruben (pastrami, kimchi, and special the community. If you want even more food get a burrito bowl. There is no tortilla, but you can fit more meat, rice, a really cool soda fountain that’ll mayo) and small supper plates. Bonus? Most students probably take a few trips to The Mon- and beans in this puppy. Also, take notes kiddies, there are some Chipotle tricks. You can ask for both mix like any flavor of any soda All of these eateries are located around key House for a music show in their stint at UVM, and types of beans; the more beans the better. Here’s a cool one: ask for half a scoop of one type of meat and and IT IS AWESOME. the downtown rotary, so if there’s a wait there are a few brave souls who sign a lease on Chase St., half a scoop of another. In the end, you’ll end up with two full scoops of meat. Ta-da. Chipotle is fine, but not that or the menu isn’t doing it for you, you can but few are likely to really explore the town’s other of- In response to its competitors, Chipotle responds, “if it ain’t broke, why fix it.” Their formula great. People used to be all, “Oh, take a two minute stroll and find heaven ferings. Winooski might be kind of like Burlington’s less is fool proof, and the amount of variation here is perfect. I really see no need for celery in my buffalo you’re from VT, so you don’t elsewhere. If you’re looking to do a Winooski pub crawl, rest assured that it is much more cool younger sister, but there’s a surprising amount of stuff to do if you’re looking to break chicken burrito, and who the hell wants a tikki marsala or a bangkok thai burrito anyway. Boloco is know, but if you think Moe’s is manageable than completing the Burlington circuit. Hitting up McKees, Donny’s Sports Bar, out of the Church St. rut. When the snow clears and spring fever sets in, a visit to the old trying to do too much, when in reality they simply have an inferior product. If you’re paying the same good, man, you should try Chi- and The Monkey House should be enough to satisfy your beverage needs. ‘Nooski might be worth your time. g amount of money, why not go for quality over variety. potle!” But now we have a Chi- potle and I don’t frankly care by bethziehl how cool their business model is advertisement or how their meat is so sustain- Walking into most burrito places, you’re going to have the typical options to fill your burrito with. Luck- able, because I’m just getting a ily, this is not the case with Boloco and that’s why I love it! From the Classic Mexican to the Tikka Masala, katherine longfellow veggie burrito, not studying for a they’ve got it all. It’s all about variety at Boloco and mixing it up to get a delicious meal whether it’s a burrito or BSAD exam. Their menu is con- a burrito bowl. I always recommend their summer and teriyaki burritos. They also have amazing shakes! You’re fusing to newcomers and their not going to get bored with the burrito options at Boloco like at Moe’s or Chipotle. I’m sorry, but having my bur- weird modern décor makes no rito always more than half-filled with cilantro-lime rice really doesn’t thrill me. At Chipotle, I find myself search- sense in relation to their cuisine. ing for all the other ingredients I thought I had asked for. And what ever happened to different size options? Boloco is all about mango I’m not usually a very hungry person and I’d much rather pay for the amount I know I’m going to each than pay and like… smoothies and stuff. more and feel guilty for not finishing my food. Boloco’s got a small, original, and a mini size if you want a snack. Blah. Plus, if you’re right there If you didn’t know, Boloco also has rewards cards so that when you spend $50, you get a free menu item of and have the time, you should your choice. They even load a free burrito onto your card on your birthday as well as other freebies throughout just go to Bueno y Sano. That’s the year. Who doesn’t like free food? And if you ever find yourself in the Greater Boston area in need of a good always a good bet. breakfast, some Boloco stores are open and offer hearty breakfast burritos! So ask yourself, why am I settling for limited options with my burrito?

Then Cate, VP of Finance, got up and proceeded to do you have a friend in Rubenstein or are willing to talk to DIVESTMENT -coninued from pg 1 what you’d expect an experienced financial professional that one kid who lives the floor above you, you’re liable to 1) The external and social costs of fossil fuels are hid- to do: bring this shit back down to solid economics. “The miss out on environmentally-related happenings in and den by huge government subsidies. If you think paying process is slow,” he emphasized. In other words, change around campus. above 4 bucks is a hassle, try the unsubsidized price of in these matters does not happen swiftly. There won’t be I hardly ever set foot inside the Aiken center, but 15. Plus health costs surrounding extraction and produc- concrete points where the SCC can say, “Hell yeah, we that doesn’t mean that I’m not really interested in helping tion – coal alone has 300 to 500 billion dollars of health did it!” Those calling for divestment, he said, “have all the to make UVM actually live up to the environmentally- costs each year. right motivations, but there is complexity and fiduciary responsible image that it falsely markets. If environmen- 2) Peak oil. Domestic oil production peaked in the concerns.” When questioned by Dan Cmejla (one of the tal issues aren’t your thing, no big deal (you’re a terrible 70’s, which is why we’re dependent on foreign oil, which Student Climate Culture leaders) as to what he thought person). I just wish that our University was more like its itself is peaking right now. It’s all downhill from here. would be the most effective manner for students to tar- shiny façade, and a solid step toward that would be di- 3) Renewable energy is less centralized than fossil get their efforts, Cate said that petitions would be a big vestment. Right now it seems like most of the opportu- fuel-based energy, and thus creates more jobs. Which is thing – having stacks of paper declaring large amounts nities for involvement are pretty exclusive to Rubenstein hilarious because jobs tend to be the battle cry of fossil of support from the student body would be very helpful students. Could non-Rubenstein students opt into receiv- fuel companies. Haha… sigh… in influencing the Trustees. Cmejla and Prolman looked ing their emails perhaps? Maybe Student Climate Culture 4) Said renewables are an excellent investment, be- pleased when he said that; the SCC has been collecting could publicize their meetings more, or just put more out cause their market is growing, while fossil fuel’s is stag- petitions for some time now. But in a university with over about what they’re up to and how to find a petition to au- nating and declining even with the subsidies. 10,000 undergrads, they could certainly get a lot more. tograph. I reckon the whole University could benefit from Bam. Now that’s what I’m talking about. This was Which brings me to my second point. Students not the varied perspectives of students from most or all of its followed by Alex Prolman, an SCC member, who talked in Rubenstein: If you didn’t know about this, why is that? colleges contributing to environmental issues (especially about climate change and human rights issues surround- Let’s say you knew about divestment. Did you know that business school students in the divestment campaign), in- ing fossil fuels (namely, humans get killed. This is mostly there were buses run by 350.org down to DC for the Cli- stead of just the relatively small population of Rubenstein in impoverished countries, but isn’t limited to those areas mate Rally this past weekend? That there are lots of envi- students. We’ve got a pretty great diversity in the student – think Irene or Sandy). He also brought up some more ronmental lectures and events happening all the time? If body here (except in race, yes, I know), and I believe there motivations for UVM to divest from fossil fuels: Divest- you’re anything like me you came to UVM at least in part should be more involvement and more diverse voices in ment is revenue-neutral and low risk, investing in fossil because of the environmentally-conscious reputation of the environmental issues here than only the Ruben- fuels is an affront to UVM’s Common Ground Values, the University and the state of Vermont. Unfortunately, it stein folks. (I will say, you Rubenstein folks are do- and the sooner the University divests, the more it will seems that if you aren’t in Rubenstein you aren’t privy to ing great, carry on!) g help build its reputation as an environmental leader. a lot of things that, well, you’d probably like to be! Unless by bethziehl It’s no secret that Facebook is a well-craft - tos and updates people post on Facebook are all my life. We’re all just fueling this microcosmic ed procrastination tool for students worldwide upbeat and exemplify how well their lives are world in which we perpetually try to fool one and I am not one to pretend that I don’t use it going. Of course, there’s always the other side— another into believing something about our for the same purpose. Still, it has crossed my people annoyingly complaining about their lives which may or may not be true. mind lately that emotionally, this site may be lives all the time—but for the most part, I see I’ve especially found this annoying in cas- doing more bad than good for me and probably happy people on Facebook. Th at’s what I think es where I’ve tried to let go of people in my life by phoebefooks others as well. More and more, I fi nd the pho- anyway, but I fi nd it very hard to believe that it and instead, Facebook just kept reminding me by mikestorace is true. I don’t at all ac- of the fact that they exist and they are having so Every female knows the one sure sign about special treatment; you get to specify tually and yet, somehow much fun without me. In times when you’re just that their so-called “time of the month” is the exact brand and quantities of the prod- I have a confession to make. I fuck- ly miss the mark. Okay, I see how the ac- as it needs to. Facebook has a way of not quite happy with where your life is, this can coming are the unforgiving cravings for ucts you want and Le Parcel will deliver ing hate automatic bathrooms. Not just cumulation of urine can grow pungent; no Goodness, I sure do love automatic making me feel like ev- be disheartening. Th e best thing you can do? chocolate. Th at, coupled with diminish- them on the exact date you need. automatic toilets, but automatic sinks, au- one likes the smell of stale piss. I know the sinks. I shove my hands under the fau- eryone else in the world Delete them as a friend, or, if that’s too drastic, ing patience for the drones that surround ...Or you can just buy the exact brand tomatic urinals, automatic soap dispensers, perfect solution though! If your toilet starts cet, but nothing happens. Th en comes the is having an amazing set better restrictions so they don’t pop up in us, is a clear omen that if life doesn’t start and quantities you want at the store on the whole nine yards. Th ey piss me off , and to stink because users have forgotten to awkward handshake. Where is the hand time while I am alone your news feed all the goddamn time! You don’t going our way soon, things are going to get whichever day you need. Th is certainly they are completely unnecessary. Like, how fl ush, simply reach over and fl ush it your- in my dorm room wast- need that negative energy ruining your mojo! even uglier than they are already inevitably would save you a lot of money—Le Parcel’s stupid do you have to be to not know how self!! TA-DA, problem solved!!! As far as “most automatic ing away time watching If you’re focusing on other peoples’ happiness, fated. I can still hear my mother’s voice service clocks in at a stiff $15 per month for to fl ush a toilet or dispense soap? In trying “number two” goes, if you don’t fl ush aft er television shows online. you’ll never be happy yourself. saying, “Just go take a hot bath, Pheebs. 30 tampons—not to mention, buying your to make our bathrooms idiot-proof, Amer- you take a shit you’re just a fucking asshole. toilets have an Th at’s certainly not ev- I do get jealous of all the amazing adven- Here, take this entire bottle of Ibuprofen own goddamn tampons would spare the icans have succeeded in annoying the shit My biggest pet peeve for automatic toi- ery night, but why does turous activities people seem to be doing, but too,” following a PMS-induced outburst at waste generated by this monthly service. out of me. I know I’m not alone. lets is how trigger-happy they are. Nothing industrial strength Facebook make me feel lately, that’s actually been motivating me to get my younger brother for playing FIFA with It’s a good idea, but at the core Le Par- Let’s start out with the basics—auto- angers me more than when I’m sitting on fl ush that breaks the this way? out there and fi nd my own adventures. Road the volume too high. My dad, on the other cel is nothing more than another exploita- matic toilets are insulting to my intelli- the toilet and it fl ushes before I fi nish my On Facebook, peo- tripping across the country? Hey, I could do hand, would just fl ee the scene. tion of our laziness and consumer habits. gence. I understand their purpose in the- business. Maybe I moved a fraction of an sound barrier, deafens ple can project them- something like that. Interning at an amazing Men, I know you don’t want to hear Okay, that might be a bit harsh, but if they ory: to prevent toilets from smelling, yada inch; more likely, I did absolutely nothing, me personally, lasts 35 selves in any way that national park? Count me in! I don’t need to sit this, but us chicks really do need some spe- seriously cared about us poor menstruating yada yada. In reality, however, they blatant- and it just decided to fl ush for no reason. they want, which allows at my computer viewing photos of places where cial treatment during our periods. Le Par- females, and not just about making a heft y Point is, I get seconds, and makes them to seem like that other people have been. Use your jealousy as a profi t, they would send better gift s than ge- water splashed person who is always motivation tool! “nature’s gift stinks, neric hair ties and tacky jewelry. up my ass and me wetter than a super busy and always going I’ve also found ‘liking’ pages keeps me Well ladies, it looks like we’re just go- it completely soaker.” on adventures. Th at’s updated on activities I’m really interested in, so we give you a ing to have to keep distressing from PMS ruins my rest- not real life though, as well as on passions of mine. If you’re into the old-fashioned way—randomly shout- room experi- and we don’t know how skiing, Jay Peak, Backcountry, and Unoffi cial- better one.” ing at people who probably don’t deserve ence (and my sensor? Why isn’t it going off ? Hooray, it they were actually feel- Networks are always posting cool videos and it, burying our faces in pints of ice cream, entire day). fi nally turns on, but shit I forgot soap. Well, ing at the time. I can photos of outdoor activities and they can be Sometimes, goddammit the soap is automatic too. I fi - tell you right now that a nice study break to take a look at. Th ey also when I hear a nally get my hands lathered, but what do photos you can fi nd fl ood your news feed with things that are in- fl ush a-com- you know, the water has stopped running. on my Facebook page teresting to you rather than all those photos of ing, I’ll prep I wave my hands again, the water returns, from an interesting trip your friend at a party you never went to. Th ere’s and stand up a but the cycle doesn’t completely clean my to Colorado were actu- plenty of ways to negate those bad vibes Face- little bit; noth- hands of suds. I fi nally fi nish my time at ally a pretty low point in book might be giving you. You just have to get ing is more the sink, and it ends up taking me four sink awkward than cycles. the half squat. Th ere are more energy effi cient ways of Adding insult creating bathrooms. Take hand dryers, for to injury, most example. I never really use them; I usually POOPING-continued from page 1 automatic just wipe my hands on my pants, but I see toilets have their benefi ts. Th e amount of energy used problems—health problems that It just so turns out that diver- an industrial in deforestation, the production of paper have transformed my life. A 2003 ticulitis runs in my family, meaning strength fl ush towels, and the transportation of these tow- study done by the Digestive Diseas- I’m incredibly susceptible to hav- that breaks els greatly exceeds the electricity required es and Sciences Journal found that ing it as well. Diverticulitis is a ge- the sound bar- by hand dryers. “Xcelerators,” on the other people defecating in a squatting po- netically linked disease that causes rier, deafens hand, are the exceptions to the rule. Ev- sition spent less time and felt a bet- pouching in the intestines and sub- me person- eryone has encountered these abomina- ter sense of ease while completing sequent straining and constipation, ally, lasts 35 tions. I go to dry my hands and a hurricane seconds, and erupts, separating the skin from my hands makes me wet- and knocking me off my feet. Th e opposite “make the move to a more poop-friendly ter than a su- to this is the awkward, “Do I need to go intestinal angle today, and start seeing per soaker. My through two cycles of hand dryer because all-time record my hands aren’t really dry yet?” experience. wonderful changes tomorrow.” is four fl ushes I hate just standing there awkwardly for in one sitting. two cycles, especially when there’s some- their deed. In addition, other gas- but also can be caused by overex- I’ve heard peo- one waiting in line behind me. Screw the troenterologists have directly linked ertion during stool passage. Quite ple defend au- hand drying mechanisms; I’ll stick with my hemorrhoids and diverticulitis with a vicious cycle. But fear not fellow tomatic toilets pants. the use of the sitting toilet. Hemor- fecal freedom fi ghters! Th is can all because they I hope you enjoyed my rant. Th e au- rhoids aff ect nearly half of Ameri- be solved by one simple change— save water. I tomatic bathroom is an unnecessary “con- cans, and diverticulitis aff ects more the raising of the knees and thighs counterpoint venience” that has generated more hassle than half of Americans over the age to about chest level during your this argument than ease. Technology does not always of 50. More cases of these diseases daily crap. Make the move to a by stating that hold all the solutions, even though our cul- have been noted following the late more poop-friendly intestinal angle cel is an up and coming business that sends and always being prepared with an army of no toilet saves ture sometimes tells us that it does. I like 1800s, which conveniently happens today, and start seeing wonderful customers a monthly delivery of tampons, tampons or pads or whatever prod- water when it to fl ush the toilet when I need to, and I can to be the same time that the seated changes tomorrow. g chocolate, and a special gift . How freaking ucts each of us uses. To the folks at fl ushes four turn the sink on and off for myself, thank toilet was gaining popularity. cool is that?!?! As they put it, “Nature’s gift Le Parcel: Hey, it’s the thought that times as much you very much. g stinks so we give you a better one.” Talk counts. g overheard a conversation in b-town? was it hilarious? dumb? inspirational? tell the ear and we’ll print it. Lauren, Lauren, where did you go? it was only your number I needed to know uvm.edu/~watertwr/ear.html I sincerely hope that you remember my name it’s out of desperation that i’m playing this game UHeights North, Friday afternoon what I felt last friday night was passion Friend 1: Dude, listen to this, this is one of my favorite by dannissim oh, what i’d do to share another in similar fashion songs. my friends try to tell me it was just a hook-up Friend 2: (after listening for a few seconds) Is this in Ice Fellas, are you having trouble with your wardrobe? Not Downtown Threads on Church St. for $20 or less. Rock the an iconic pair of sun- Age? quite feeling fly? Well fret no more, as I’m here to share the blazer with a sweater or even a t-shirt; you’ll look fresher glasses. Forget knock- but it’s only you who I wish to look-up I’ve never considered myself the romantic perfect formula for the sharply dressed guy. Follow these than Don Draper walking away from a “private meeting.” offs, a pair of quality Marsh Life, end of class simple rules to go from feeling like Urkel to strutting it like sunglasses is the gift that but this one time I’ve caught myself frantic if you would ever care to join me for coffee Professor: Everyone come to class on Thursday, I’m bring- Ryan Gosling. 4. The Neckwear: The skinny tie will become the staple keeps on giving. I per- someone on campus catch your eye? ing a surprise! of your look; start with a black one and then go crazy from sonally rock a pair of couldn’t get a name? I go to henderson’s every M., W., and F. at 1/4 to noon or I can sip my drink alone, as things may be Girl to friend: I hope its free puppies for everybody! 1. The Shirt: It all starts with a great button-down shirt. there. Thetiebar.com is a great place to find ties of assorted Ray-Ban Clubmasters, submit your love anonymously Friend: Me too! Rule number one of button-down shirts: no fucking short fabrics and styles for around $15. If you’re feeling adven- but the Wayfarer and uvm.edu/~watertwr/iwysb.html but if you feel as i do, i hope to see you soon! sleeve button-downs. If you want to have short sleeves, just turous, try out a bowtie. If you are feeling really adventur- Aviator are two classics When: last friday night Girl... Where: that party on Hyde Street Marche, approximately 1 AM roll them up; it’s that easy. Stock your wardrobe with but- ous, try out an ascot. Nothing says BAMF like a smoking that are still fresh. You’ll You are a perfect ten Intoxicated Girl: IT’S FRIDAY NIGHT BEETCHEZZ!! ton-down shirts of assorted fabrics (flannel, oxford, ging- jacket and an ascot (smoking optional). need the UV protection I saw: that look in your eyes Definitely the hottest Chick at UVM. I am: looking for my Valentine Sober Friend: “No it’s not it’s Sunday” ham, and cotton), patterns (striped, plaid, and checkered), because it’s ‘gonna get Because you always make for a good ass time, and colors (primary and pastels). You can wear it tucked 5. The Accessories: The two keys to take the look to the a lot brighter wherever and you like the Burn of tequila without the lime. Sugarbush, last weekend in or untucked; it can be as formal or informal as you like. next level are the tie bar and pocket square. These inex- you’re strutting. Take More than a few guys want me, I’m not gonna lie I like how you get turned on by CDAE But baby, I want YOU and I’m not sure why. Outdoorsy Young Lady: Dicks are ugly When it comes to buttoning, I am a two-button minimum pensive additions will exponentially enhance your look. good care of your sun- and get your kicks putting the O.G. back in OGE. Ski Bro: So you don’t like dicks kind of guy, but you can button your shirt all the way up if With pocket squares, go for a few solid colors, a pattern or glasses and they’ll take With the name of a stargazer and maybe some Latin Although I admit you are the ecological economics Mas- blood Outdoorsy Young Lady: It’s not that I don’t like dicks, I you are going for a more hip look. two, and at least one white with colored piping. If you’ve good care of you. ter. tolerate them. never worn a tie bar before don’t worry, they are not a has- Your rugged look and stunning smile make you quite the You are also... stud. 2. The Pants: No sweatpants; leave that for the dorms sle. Just make sure it is thinner than your tie and clip it in That is all the wis- A boozed up college disaster, A bed somewhere, recently and athletics. At minimum, rock a pair of jeans and try between the third and fourth buttons of your shirt. Again, dom I can impart on If you like adventure, I’m your girl have an insatiable desire to be right, Woods, the lake, Lafayette at night, let’s give it a whirl! Classy Lady: I don’t destroy the covers! to rotate between a few different colors. For added variety, Thetiebar.com is a great place to find an array of tie bars you in the confines of and would for sure loose in a fight. Dapper Gent: No. You just kind of set yourself up in the incorporate chinos of assorted colors/styles into your rota- and pocket squares. this publication. Go out You’ve got thoughts as deep as your eyes But... We should talk and philosophize. center and then the next thing I know it’s like Blitzkrieg tion. Integrate cords as desired. No baggy pants and no into the world and rock I don’t care occurred in the middle of the bed! dragging cuffs; fold or roll them up. 6. The Shoes: Every man needs a pair of wingtips, period. it. Follow these rules I want more, so don’t hesitate I love it Hit me up, study buddy, I anxiously await. Whether they are leather or suede is up to you. Personally, and you’ll be flyer than I wouldn’t have it any other way, 3. The Blazer: You should have two or three different blaz- I think suede is a nice touch, but be careful in the snow! James Bond at the Bac- When: MWF my Love for you grows more and more every day. Where: Español ers, one of which is a classic navy blue. If you want to mix it carat table. But, that be- Four years strong, up, grey is always a welcomed change, especially light grey. 7. The Finishing Touch: If you’ve made it to this point, ing said, never be afraid I saw: a Rex Goliath mystery even if sometimes it feels a little wrong. I am: stuck standing on the ground advertisement Also try incorporating different fabrics like chino. If you then you are one sharply dressed man; however, if you to try something new. Baby, I’m always down to be your plus one. are going for the sartorial look, try out a tweed blazer from want to cement yourself as a style icon, you need to have g Even if it means perks without the fun When: every freaking day Where: by my side I saw: a 90s Bitch I am: from the 70s Bailey Howe on Valentine’s (I) was working hard to meet deadlines I was out of it, not feeling smart Then I looked up and you made my heart stop. Your eyes, my god, those eyes they’re what I recall by jamesaglio azure as the skies Made my assignments pall. There are few human experiences as universal as food and slaughter. Many people, from Jamie Oliver to Arnold Schwarzenegger, Erwin Rommel to Julia Child have made their But my group mates pulled me back living from these two great pillars of society. But what happens when these two worlds collide? The Duke of Wellington, I suppose, but more importantly a wide variety of sausages and And quickly I forgot puddings to delight/revolt your palate. Here are some favorites, ranked by glory. For my mind was out of whack And my distraction had been caught 3) Black Pudding As I left we locked again, 4) Sundae Black pudding answers the age-old question of, “What will I don’t know why I just walked on; Sundae is a Korean blood sausage. As with all offal, there are an Irishman do after stabbing a pig in the neck enough to I came back to “find my pen” hundreds of regional variants, but the common elements drain out some vital liquids but not enough to actually kill But when I got there you were gone are a casing of pig’s intestines stuffed full of noodles, bar- the beast?” The answer is: pour said liquids into an intes- ley, and pork blood—different from pig blood presumably tine, add a heap of oatmeal to help soak it up, and then I’m not sure what I hope because it’s an ingredient rather than a sacrificial ornament. eat it right away or, if squeamish, cook it in cleansing fire that writing this will bring You can also mix it up with kimchi, sprouts, and soybean before it crosses the dental threshold. If you don’t respond I’ll cope; paste, but the blood is really the tie that binds here. But maybe you’ll want a fling Mainly though I think 1) Haggis That I just want to say Many have tried, but only one dish can reign supreme on any table, and haggis Here’s a verbal wink; takes the cake here. Crafted from the heart, lungs, and liver of a sheep combined Happy valentine’s day. with onions, oatmeal, spices, and stock and crammed into the stomach of the 2) Blutwurst aforementioned sheep. Illegal in the United States because the USDA does not When: Valentine’s Day, around 2 Basically Black Pudding but with chunks of fat tucked consider lung edible, haggis truly is delicious. I could defend it, but everything I Where: Bailey Howe, 1st floor into it to satiate those traditional German lusts, Blut- would say was already exclaimed by the sublime poet Burns, who said: I saw: Amazing eyes wurst also comes in many whimsical local forms, such I am: reeling as horse-meat Blutwurst from the Rhineland, and “Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face, a dish from Berlin with the appellation “Tote Oma,” Great Chieftan o’ the Puddin-race! meaning “Dead Granny.” Aboon them a’ ye tak your place, remember to check out the overflow Painch, tripe, or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o’ a grace on the blog! As lang’s my arm.” thewatertower.tumblr.com by staceybrandt Ellie Goulding. Holy fuck where do I start? Com- with kerrymartin ing off of her sophomore album, Halcyon—which ac- Stretch out those hip-hop hamstrings, UVemcees, because it’s time to bring your rhyme- cording to Wikipedia means “Ellie Goulding’s 2012 al- slingin’ back to the water tower. But this week, I’m taking a pause from my standard bum” and according to an actual encyclopedia means “a schedule of sonnets to vent some thoughts about liberal arts education. Next week, we time of peace and prosperity” (it’s a type of bird, a king- roast George W. Bush. Th e week aft er, we tear down Th e Davis Center. Send your raps fi sher to be exact-Ed.)— this Brit is blazing hot. Th ough to [email protected] with the subject “My fl ow is too grimy, Ganges River” I would not say a world tour is the epitome of peace, or something to that eff ect. Once again, best rapper of the semester gets a $25 gift card to Ellie is certainly prospering as she performs her latest Boloco! work to raging fans at sold out venues across the globe. by ryanchartier So, big surprise, I have acquired a bit of a girl crush I sit in my parent’s backyard with the “It’s like I’m on a giant cliff . I peer over Th e Big Picture on Ellie, but not (entirely) because of her perfectly sun blinding my attempts to read some the edge and only see darkness,” another It’s easy to get marooned in this sea of academics, sculpted legs. It was aft er seeing her perform in Boston Hemingway book. It is summer aft er ju- remarks. And diffi cult to tell which life is more pathetic, by dansuder in 2010 shortly, aft er her debut album, Lights, reached nior year, everything green and fl ourish- “We have to promise each other that Spendin’ hours on a sentence ‘cause I refuse to send it America that I became immediately infatuated. Since ing. A distant radio crackles with ‘Sultans we will still stay in touch.” Until it makes sense, reads well, and sounds splendid. then, I have watched so many of Ellie’s live performanc- of Swing”. Is tanning something I actually Someone farts and the mood lightens Th at’s pretty pathetic. You think I don’t know? For their triumphant return to Burlington, Th ey Might Be Giants bring a new album (Nanobots, out March 5th), a new es online that YouTube now recommends videos on the iOS app, and a new “stark and arresting” sound. the water tower sat down with TMBG’s John Flansburgh, who discussed do? Mumbling while putting my shirt back a little. I don’t go to shows just to dissect prose, 12 Step Program. But that’s the thing: Ellie live is more on; sweat drips from my forehead. My dad’s “Sorry everyone. All I could fi nd for You can give me some blow, I’ll roll through this Rousseau. adults who collect kids stuff , Sammy Davis Jr., and composting. (And by sat down, we mean called on the telephone. I was incredible than recordings. Her dream-like soprano sitting. He probably was, because that’s how most people talk on the phone.) pursuit of the “perfect lawn” rewards in breakfast was a bag of cheetos and man did Got a problem? Climb off my Balzac, Hugo. and confi dence command attention without fl ashy cos- situations like these. I can lie around in a I have too much shitty beer last night.” You know me, I am Th e Liberal Artist, tumes or background dancers. Like the experience of thicket of amazing grass and breathe in the “At least we’ll always have beer farts,” And I think I’m the smartest, bringing light to the darkness, a live show, the new album highlights Goulding’s pure haze of summer…then cough and sneeze I chuckle. I read all the seeds and I’m writing the harvest, wt: I’m really excited to see that you guys are singing ability as her vocals become the central element relentlessly from the allergies. Before frol- FIVE HOURS LATER Th e Dean calls And hark this, most rich bitches are heartless. playing in Burlington again… wt: What about the kids’ music circuit? Are you a to each song. icking in my parent’s backyard, I get a my name and I proceed across the stage, But who am I, ha ha! Call me an undergrad, JF: Well, it’s funny. One of the fi rst shows we ever part of that at all? phone call from a college friend. excited to grab my empty diploma folder. Hamlet in training, Alice in Wonderland, played outside of NYC was in Burlington. We played JF: Not really. You know, that kind of thing just “ellie uses her voice not only “Wanna meet up somewhere in Bos- Can’t wait to pick it up later at Royal Tyler Today I learned how Leningrad was torn asunder fast in Burlington, and Northampton, Massachusetts, and doesn’t really pay the bills… ton soon?” Th eater…damn UVM! (grad jokes). I shake Tomorrow I’ll learn to say, “Would you like fries with that?” aft erward we got a lot of off ers in Northampton. We wt: Fair enough. Your adult stage show is pretty great to express passionate lyrics, but “Defi nitely.” hands with then UVM President Fogel. I’m serious, I go to school to get a good grip, got some diff erent places, a set at a guy’s house, that though. I seem to remember a conga line at the last show I also as a unique instrument. In My Dad’s booming voice yells from the Our hands interlock solidly and he looks I study what’s important, not what’s new and hip. sort of thing. We thought, “Yeah, this is how a band went to. Is there anything that inspires you guys to be such porch. “TIME TO CUT THE GRASS AND me squarely in the eyes and says, “Con- I speak out, I don’t mute my lips with bong rips, grows!” But it’s funny because we never really got great performers? between verses you’ll hear bits DO MISCELLANEOUS YARDWORK gratulations.” Th e moment feels more real But we’ll be fans of college until the shit hits. called back to Burlington. I’m looking at the poster JF: Th at’s a funny question because John [Linnell, the of eg’s signature runs weaved FOR FIVE HOURS!” than I expect. In fact, it was quite powerful. Go ahead, I encourage you, study what you love, for that show now, it says, “8BC… CBGBs… and now, other founding member of TMBG] and I are by tempera- “Hey man, I can’t believe we are going Was he channeling the sincerity of Henry Long as you don’t expect jobs to fall from above. Burlington!” But we never got called back. ment the least likely people to be involved in audience seamlessly with guitar and to be seniors this year.” James? Was James known for fl attering col- Take your Middle Eastern studies to the Gaza Strip Club, wt: I’m glad you’ve been playing here some lately, participation. We’re more like the people who are at the “I know right?” lege graduates with thoughtful congratula- And maybe calculate the heat produced by the dick rub. though. back of the show with their arms crossed. I guess the big- electro keys” My cell phone rings as I run back up- tory remarks? And if you like lessons, I got a good one for you: JF: Yeah, just recently, though. For the longest gest thing for me is acknowledging that the band is in the stairs from the fl ooded basement. I am sur- Th ere is a fl ash before my eyes and We’re in a Recession, and you’re probably screwed. time we didn’t come back. same room as the audience. It took a bunch of years, but prised to see that it is a high school buddy. all of a sudden, everything is serene and I Hope you’ve got some rich friends and a trust fund too, here we are. Maybe it’s the Peter Principle or something. Halcyon is defi nitely a departure from the classic “Hey man, how’s it going? Nice. Yeah, sense myself sitting in a messy living room Or you and your crew live off soup in an apartment for two wt: Peter Principle? pop sound that propelled Lights to the top of the charts. I’ve just been sitting around here not doing feeling post grad hopelessness and seek- Diploma on the puke-stained wall, and empty kitchen JF: Yeah, you’re promoted until you’re no longer It explores a new dimension of pop music that adds much, so I’d love to grab a beer sometime. ing potential guidance. Gillian Anderson’s If you scrape rez again, you’ll fi nd only a smidgen qualifi ed. electronic infl uences and layered beats. Ellie uses her Let me call you soon.” hotness is palpable. Something feels very Th esis project on Titian, now you’re job market wishin’ wt: Now you’re coming back and you’ve got a voice not only to express passionate lyrics, but also as a It’s the culmination of your education, ain’t it bitchin’? new album coming out. It’s always interesting to hear unique instrument. In between verses you’ll hear bits of “our hands interlock solidly and he looks me You’re a genius, it wasn’t supposed to be like this, the diff erent styles the band brings on albums. Th ere EG’s signature runs weaved seamlessly with guitar and What happened to those stepping-stones you used to take to bliss? are diff erences between Flood and Th e S p ne i or Fac- electro keys, which gives the album a fresh vibe. squarely in the eyes and You fought with avarice ‘cause it turns men cadaverous tory Showroom and John Henry, for example. Can you If her fi rst album is a youthful, “starry-eyed” girl Now you’re jobless, homeless, luckless, fuck this. talk a bit about Nanobot’s style? dabbling in the idea of love, Halcyon is a soldier fi ghting says, ‘congratulations.’ But what’s this? An okay job opportunity, JF: I mean, it starts with what the song dictates, “it starts with what the heartbreak with powerful optimism. It’s clear Goulding the moment feels more real than i Perhaps not one that brings you studious unity to some extent, but there are some diff erences and song dictates, to some has gained maturity both emotionally and musically But don’t put yourself under scrutiny so brutally overarching trends. We’ve come back to the begin- which naturally results in songs with more depth. Th at expect. in fact, it was quite powerful. Or else your “uni” truly turns to scholarly lunacy extent, but there are some being said, I’d like to share my top three picks from Hal- ner’s mind as far as how to arrange songs. Th ere’s was he channeling the sincerity of Fluency is hard to achieve, easy to leave some big, overproduced tracks on the new album, but diff erences and overarching cyon. Th ese songs are bloody brilliant. Years of Hebrew does not mean a job in Tel Aviv we’ve been paying attention more. “Black Ops” is es- trends. we’ve come back to “My Blood” is arguably the most powerful song on henry james?” Don’t be naïve, don’t let your classes deceive sentially just a drum and a voice. 90% of that song is the album capturing the aft ermath of unrequited love— Don’t seek a job demanding all your skills interweaved so stark and arresting, and I’m a little disappointed it the beginner’s mind as far as putting your whole self into someone and not receiving If you think you’re a genius, let the learning go on took 16 albums to get here. I was actually inspired by how to arrange songs.” anything back in return. Th e lyrics are both painful and Don’t remain as an undergrad, underpaid pawn Sammy Davis, Jr. uplift ing, contrast which is accomplished by a gospel As I close the fl ip phone, I suddenly familiar. Is this the future? Am I thinking Th e Classics are important but not sine qua non wt: Oh yeah? What song or album? inspired chorus that begins, “And God knows I’m not remember that there are other friends still about going for a McDonald’s run? Is satire Th ere’s bigger fi sh in the pond, you blade of grass in the lawn JF: It’s this double-live album, I think it’s called dying but I breathe now.” If the gospel-y refrain doesn’t around the local area; they’ve been here all still appreciated? Did Mumford and Sons You tiny prawn in the sea, I know you’re longing to be Live at the Sands. One song is just a drummer and have you up and clapping your hands from side to side, along. How could I have been so clueless? I actually just win Album of the Year? Who Th e be-all, end-all of our history. Sammy. the heavy tribal drums in the base beat will defi nitely stand in the center of the living room and de- are they again? Are cheetos a funny plot de- But confi ned to your university library, give you the urge to get up and stomp your foot—it’s a cide it’s time to start cleaning things up. I put vice? Is that me stealing kisses with Marion All you can be is history’s referee. natural reaction, don’t fi ght it! David and Gillian on pause so that I do not Cotillard on some red carpet while Ben Judging human actions aft er they’ve happened “Anything Could Happen” (the title and refrain of miss the entire episode. I grab a quick swig Harper’s song ironically plays in the back- Finding facts and disproving what men once imagined wt: Cool. So what about producing and writing kids’ the song) is basically saying “YOLO” in a non-juvenile, of a Bud (vile rice fl avors) and start picking ground and Sean Penn creepily mouths the Th inking about theories that few men have fathomed wt: Alright, one last question. So, UVM is a very non-douchey way. It’s the mix of hope, uncertainty, music? Is there a diff erence there, too? environmentally oriented school, and I was wonder- up the snack bags. I have to fi gure out what words in front of us? Is that a fl ux capaci- Dive deep into issues ‘til you’re stuck in the muck JF: Well, there’s a structural diff erence, fi rst. Th en, the excitement, and fear that everyone experiences when to do about the basement. Th is might be the tor? No, these must just be highly potential Good luck getting unstuck, you sink as you grow up, ing, would you say Th ey Might Be Giants are pro-en- looking towards the future. Th is track is catchy, upbeat, kids’ stuff is on a deadline, and it’s a diff erent process. For vironment or anti-environment? last time I ever eat cheetos because my stom- future questions and possibilities. You’ve run amuck with this quill that you plucked from a duck, people like us who have lived largely without deadlines, and one of the few songs you actually want stuck in your ach is killing me right now. I look up and see I fi nd myself back in the moment, post So scholars cite your scholarship, but who gives a fuck? JF: Hmmm, seems like there’s only one answer… head. Also, check out the music video. It’s quite strange, it’s really weird. With the kids’ music, it’s a project. We We’re very pro-environment. It’s hard when you’re a a picture of my friends and I during gradu- handshake. I exit the stage. My friends Th at’s why we think our professors are some serious schmucks. go in and write, because it’s due soon. With adult music, but really well done. ation dressed in our overpriced eco-friendly greet me and we all give each other hugs, What if you were moved off to distant lands touring band, because you have every invitation to “I Know You Care” is best listened to alone with a it’s staring at the ceiling and saying, “…so…. what are we make your carbon footprint that of bigfoot. But we gowns… but I can’t stop thinking about my vision Where for taking a stand, they cut off your hands? gonna do?” box of tissues and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. I’m the girl “Does this really feel like the end?” I of a future alone at home watching what I What help could you bring to these desert sands try. I’ve held onto huge bags of recycling until we who didn’t cry aft er watching Th e Notebook (yeah, prob- wt: I was curious because I’m kind of a dork and re- could fi nd a place to recycle them. ask my buddy Steve. think is the X-Files…Gillian’s smoky voice Except textbooks, blue jeans, and rubber bands? ally like kids’ books and stuff like that. ably not normal), but my eyes watered when I heard this “Not really. It’s all pretty surreal. I tickling my ears. But say that you’re stranded, marooned by yourself, wt: What about compost? song. Probably for good reason, this song was recently JF: Right, there’s this whole culture of adults collect- JF: Haha, well, I’ve done it at home, but it’s a think I’m going to law school eventually, so “Hey guys, I can’t wait to meet up later Deprived of your fame, name, power, and wealth. ing kids’ stuff , you know, picture books and graphic stuff , featured in the fi lm Now Is Good, starring Dakota Fan- this just feels like a stepping stone or some- and watch the Lost fi nale. It’s so craaaazy Have you helped your mental health, stocked your brain’s bookshelf? bit diffi cult with an itinerant lifestyle… Around my ning as a cancer patient. Th is track balances the album’s and music. It’s a great kind of work, though – it’s purely home though, in the Catskills, there’s a big locavore thing.” that it’s on tonight of all nights,” I say excit- Can you occupy your mind thinking about thinking itself? from imagination. No matter what kind of rock band faster moments with modest vocals and refl ective lyrics. “Yeah defi nitely.” edly. Here’s the point of my ballad: you’re at school to fi nd balance movement, and I’m pretty into that. Th ere are a bunch Halcyon is all around bittersweet for me. Th e songs you’re in, you’re doing rock music. Everyone knows the of farmers around here, and it’s very easy. Th ere’s not It is graduation morning and we wait “Yeah, I guess. I mean, I love Lost, but Between fascination and function, true skills and talents. Rolling Stones, so when you’re in a rock band, they have are great, and Ellie is fi nally getting the worldwide ex- on CBW green for the ceremony proces- it’s really gone downhill the last few sea- College is hard, push yourself to the challenge much you can do to reduce your carbon footprint posure she deserves, but there’s always that part of me preconceptions about what that music is, and how you’re more than eating local food. sion. It is a perfect May morning. Some of sons,” most of my friends respond, some- So when our time here is over, you’ve got plenty to salvage. supposed to sound. When you write for kids, though, they that wants to preserve the secrecy of new talent. With my other friends come over and chat us up, how in unison. We enroll as empty bottles and try to cram in some scripture an undeniable ability to connect through her music, El- have no preconceptions about what music is, so you have g equally full of excitement and dread. In the quiet of the house, it fi nally hits So when we’re cast to the sea, we get caught by a fi sher this unique access to all kinds of sounds. Kids are just very lie Goulding is that secret everyone just has to tell. “What is the future going to be like?” me. UVM isn’t done with me yet. I have Who discovers inside us an enlightening mixture, open to anything. True that. Th ey Might Be Giants are playing at someone asks. work to do. Leaving Burlington was the Th e Big Picture that we built to make the world richer. Higher Ground on February 28th. You should go. g “Who knows?” worst thing I ever did…To Be Continued. g by MC Clearly-this-guy-has-problems Kerry Martin collincappelle

Life’s a beach, go lay on it.

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In honor of the most important holiday in our fine nation, I will be running down the top five most badass presidents to ever serve. This list is not meant to reflect the beliefs of any political party or agenda, but rather it strives to correctly and objectively order these men on their individual Merits of Bad-Assery®. These include instances of being shot, killing someone, expanding presidential powers beyond constitutional limits, and many more. So sit back, grab some apple pie, turn on a rerun of American Gladiators, and revel in our past presidents’ abilities to be awesome. Teddy Roosevelt – Aside from killing a mountain lion with only a knife, being a boxing champion, the whole Rough Riders ordeal, being shot in the chest and refusing medical attention until after delivering a speech, traveling the Amazon, and his awesome ‘stache, there is one thing that TR did as president that shows his bad-ass-ness: Initiating the construction of the Great White Fleet. In a display of power, he ordered sixteen battleships to be painted white and traverse the globe for what ended up being two years. Now, there is a reason naval ships are painted grey, namely so they can’t be seen. How badass do you have to be to order battleships painted stark white so that you’re basically egging people on to attack them, and then sending them across the world to taunt every other nation? A pretty fuck- ing huge one.

Andrew Jackson – Now anyone who carries around a hickory pimp cane JFK – Got more poontang from hotties than any president before him. Oh, he is an instant minor badass. However what makes Ol’ Hickory move up to also served in the navy and when his boat got torpedoed, he swam to shore God-Tier status is that he also used that stick to beat the shit out of anyone towing a fellow crewmember by holding a strap from the guy’s lifejacket be- he despised. Case in point, while president, an assassin came up to AJ and tween his teeth. While not as impressive as the poontang mentioned earlier, tried to shoot him. The guns, however, ultimately didn’t work and sixty still pretty badass. Also, he got shot in the head so another two badass points. year old Andy proceeded to cane whip the bastard. In another display of toughness, Jackson was in a duel and allowed the other man to shoot first. Thus, Jackson was shot in the chest and calmly responded by aiming his gun and shooting the other man dead. Certified badass. James Polk – While not as much of a badass in his personal life, Polk Now for our dark horse: George the First. Before you start complaining, Bush still makes the list for his aggressive expansionist policies while in office. presided over a war where the main tactic was described as “shock and awe”. Pretty much the entirety of the southwest and west coast is part of the H-Dubs turned war into a fireworks show; now that’s fucking badass. He was union because of Polk. JP’s vigorous belief in Manifest Destiny led to ethi- also a naval aviator during World War II and was the director of the CIA so cally questionable war waging, but hey, at least now America the Beautiful you know he’s seen some hardcore shit. I know many people might not like contains the line “From sea to shining sea.” him, but you can’t deny his evil bad-assness.

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