volume 13 - issue 5 - tuesday, february 18, 2013 - uvm, burlington, vt uvm.edu/~watertwr - thewatertower.tumblr.com by patrickmurphy You are not pooping correctly. Th at’s right, you heard me, you are pooping all wrong. Now who am I to tell you this? I am no gastroenterologist, I have not been to med school (yet), nor have I ever ad- ministered a colonoscopy. But I can assure you that I have taken a fair number of un- comfortable and lengthy shits in my life, enough to actually research the possible diseases I may have. My primary care doc- tor once asked me at the end of my rou- tine checkup the mandatory query, “So do you have any other questions?” To which I followed up with, “I think I fart and poop way too much.” His muffl ed laughter at my concern not only made me self-conscious, but also determined to fi nd a cure to my irregular pooping habits. My research, which is backed up by not only my own extrapolations from per- sonal experiences, but also by legitimate studies and historical evidence, has con- cluded that this second-nature activity we all do is being performed entirely wrong. For the majority of our existence, humans by wesdunn have pooped in a squatting position not sit- ting upright as we do today. Take toddlers You’ve probably heard about the latest nies, which is obviously hypocritical and I Since the fall semester, Student Cli- in diapers for example; they know how to environmental campaign on campus – di- daresay downright bollocks. In response, a mate Culture has been working to raise poop. I have never once seen a toddler im- vestment. Whether it was a fl yer or sign you group of mostly Rubenstein students de- awareness and to compel the Board of mediately assume a wall squat in order to saw somewhere, a Cynic article you read, or cided to get on that case under the moniker Trustees to divest from fossil fuels. With take a dump. No. He goes straight for that perhaps even the chanting crowd in the Da- of “Vermont Student Climate Culture.” more research under their belts this se- comfortable butt-below-the-knees stance vis Center a couple Friday aft ernoons ago Th is group is one of the major players mester, they have honed their demands to that pushes his stool out with the greatest that you awkwardly walked through with a in the divestment movement here. Here are a more specifi c proposal: a freeze in any of ease. confused smirk; you probably have an idea some of the others: further investment in the top 200 fossil fuel Most of the world actually assumes of what’s going on. In case you haven’t had - Richard Cate – Vice President of Fi- companies, dropping the Blackrock All- this position for their daily excretions. the privilege of such enlightenment, here’s nance and Administration. Cap energy fund entirely (an asset laden When an American goes to visit a lesser- the basic deal: with fossil fuel companies), and phasing developed nation and experiences that Our fi ne University has an endow- uvm markets an image of out all investments in accounts in which impending “culture shock,” one of the fi rst ment in the three hundred million range fossil fuel companies make up 5% or more things they will say is, “Can you believe that it invests for profi t. It’s largely a sep- environmental innovation and of the account by 2017. they don’t even use toilets in [insert your arate entity, meaning it isn’t your parent’s leadership to prospective I was one of the few non-Student Cli- favorite eastern/third world nation here]!?! money being invested by the University students, but simultaneously mate Culture/Socially Responsible Invest- It’s just a hole in the ground!” Next time (well, something like 3 percent of it is ment Committee members who attended some privileged upper middle-class hu- invested), but most of it is alumni dona- invests in fossil fuel companies a panel discussion in Aiken to talk about man groans this predictable phrase, grab tions and the like. In the past, the Uni- divestment on Wednesday the 6th. Of the them hard by the shoulders (like it’s their versity has been targeted for investing four speakers, I feel like I got the most out fi rst colonoscopy) and tell them that this is the endowment in companies operating -Board of Trustees – Th e big cheese. of Gary Flomenholf, a fellow at the Gund the way our poops were meant to be expe- in South Africa during Apartheid, compa- Specifi cally, the investment sub-committee Institute for Ecological Economics, and rienced! nies operating in Sudan during the Darfur of the Trustees handles the endowment. Richard Cate. Since the invention of the upright confl ict, tobacco companies, and depleted -Th e Socially Responsible Investment Flomenholf got right to the point, lay- fl ushing toilet in the late 1800s, the western uranium waste companies. Th e term for Committee - a volunteer group of faculty, ing out four (count em, four) reasons why world has been plagued by this truly evil discontinuing these investments is, you undergrads and graduate students who he supports divesting from fossil fuels that device. Not only does the fl ushing toilet guessed it, divestment. compile, polish and present investment-re- didn’t have to do with protecting/saving waste millions upon millions of gallons of Th e issue is that UVM markets an lated proposals from the UVM community mother earth necessarily, and thus would potable water (don’t even get me started on image of environmental innovation and to Cate, who then advises the Investment likely resonate more with the money-driv- auto-fl ush toilets), this throne of despair leadership to prospective students, but si- sub-committee of the Board of Trustees. en Trustees. induces a whole slew of digestive health multaneously invests in fossil fuel compa- Oh UVM, you so bureaucrazy… ... read the rest on page 5 ... read the rest on page 7 burrito battle screw automatic toilets sharp-dressed man talkin’ with they might be giants by wts t a ff by michaelstorace by dannissim by dansuder news ticker: So the Pope’s retiring, we didn’t want to be the only news outlet in the world not mention it. +++ Gunmen abduct foreigners in Nigeria +++ Farc prisoner released after one monthg by kerrymartin Dear readers, Two long years ago, the world watched clashes between civilians and police forces when the same countries still seem right in ies have not lost sight of their goal to build the Middle East and held its breath. A that left over fifty dead. Morsi campaigned the midst of their revolutions, and even in self-sustaining governments based on a How, as the Germans say, goes it for you? We know you’re out there; we keep having to refill with jamiebeckett Tunisian fruit vendor’s public self-immo- on revolutionary ideals, and now his oppo- Egypt where a parliamentary, presidential, modern Arab identity. Dabashi says it well: the stands with papers, and we sometimes hide in bushes and watch you reading the water tower. lation in late 2010 sparked protests that nents are comparing him to Mubarak. and constitutional elections have already “Muslims have entered a world historic The state of the union –Literally the state of the union including forced Tunisia’s President Zine Ben Ali to On the same day last week, the Syrian been held, anti-government dissent casts moment when neither domestic tyranny, Despite this, the inbox has gotten awful lonely these past few weeks, with nary a comment from you but not limited to: an outdated and aging infrastructure, impending all in re this rag. Surely someone out there has something they want to say! Someone must have en- give up his twenty-four-year rule. Similar National Coalition captured the country’s city streets back to the chaos of Mubarak’s nor vulgar militant Islamism, nor vicious environmental crises, and belligerent bipartisanship that perpetuates uprisings spread into Morocco, Libya, Ye- largest hydroelectric plant, another chapter last days in office. So are we witnessing the Islamophobia, nor indeed racist imperial joyed, even for a passing moment, something that we have printed. Maybe someone really hates the crippling stagnation. Obama’s hope filled speech, however, was dif- way we structure our staff list and feels that we and the wider population should be made aware of men, Bahrain, Syria, and Egypt, where in a gory stalemate that shows no signs of rocky beginnings of democratization, or hubris prevents them from rethinking their ficult to hear over my throbbing liberal erection. Congress send that secular despots had stunted their countries’ stopping. The Coalition is a loose alliance the first chapter of much longer revolu- collective faith, and reasserting their collec- this fact. Did you receive a stunningly beautiful/atrociously uncomfortable I Want You So Bad? Let man some bills! us know. At the very least there has to be someone, somewhere, who is righteously indignant about economic and humanitarian development of rebel factions, composed of everyday tions, or the establishment of regimes that tive identity in a vastly different world than for decades. Syrian citizens hardened and unified by are no less corrupt and hated than the ones their parental generations had bequeathed some article written at some point within the last seven years that they feel must be addressed, write Lack of places to dispose of waste/littering – I don’t know the exact in blood if possible.