PRAISE FOR DATE YOURSELF For every woman who has placed a measuring stick before her eyes through moments of “I’m not good enough” this book sings the melody you’ve been hearing but suddenly the volume is raised. YOU ARE ENOUGH. Explore this captivating journey with its date-a-licious encouragement to explore the better parts of yourself. Illuminate ladies. This book is your lighthouse to do so. — ELIZABETH BARRY, AUTHOR OF OWN YOUR VULNERABILITY, THE KIND COMMUNICATOR, DESIGN YOUR MIND TO BE KIND, HEAVEN ON ELEVEN & LITTLE BOOK OF LOVE. Sierra Melcher's Date Yourself offers women a wise, approachable step-by-step guide to heal self-loathing and cultivate self-intimacy. She's so right when she says, 'The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives'– starting with the relationship we have with ourselves.” If you're ready to shift your view on dating and to see it as a journey of self-discovery, this is for you! — SARA AVANT STOVER, BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF THE WAY OF THE HAPPY WOMAN AND THE BOOK OF SHE Date Yourself is a must read for all women who are tired of buying into the cultural narrative of who they should be and want a path to loving and nurturing themselves for who they really are. — LOUANN BRIZENDINE, MD AUTHOR OF THE FEMALE BRAIN Have you ever picked up a book and, before you had even finished it, found yourself mentally ordering copies for all the important women in your life? That's Date Yourself. It's the handbook I wish every young woman were issued a copy of at puberty. The process Sierra Melcher lays out for the reader is so straightforward and easy to follow that it's hard to believe the results will be as profoundly life-changing as they are. If you, or anyone you know, has ever used the phrase, "I tend to lose myself in relationships," then this is the book for you! — ADRIENNE MACIAIN, PHD, "THE STORY WHISPERER" AUTHOR OF MELTING IVORY, HOST OF THAT'S ALOUD PODCAST In "Date Yourself", Sierra Melcher invites us to examine our connection with our own mind and heart. With relatable stories and supportive suggestions, you will find yourself drawn in and excited to get to know yourself again. So grab a cup of tea and explore that all important relationship. — SHARON SALZBERG, AUTHOR OF LOVINGKINDNESS AND REAL CHANGE 'Dating yourself' can (and must) go deeper than the trappings of 'treat yourself' culture, since self care without self reflection serves only the corporations who sell us our chocolates and skin creams. In this warm and empowering book, Sierra encourages her readers to 'write their own Rosetta Stone' of what lights them up—inside and out—and to use that list on a daily basis. Her approach is both nourishing and practical, as playful as it is profound. — CAMILLE DEANGELIS, AUTHOR OF LIFE WITHOUT ENVY: EGO MANAGEMENT FOR CREATIVE PEOPLE These strange times have marked many of us as orphans of modernity, and our relationships often suffer from our lack of truly and wholly belonging to a place and to a people. In "Date Yourself," Sierra Melcher explores those contemporary rough places rarely discussed in self- care circles, brilliantly highlighting the many ways through which our marriage to our own wild souls, our embodied homecoming to self, is the fundamental relationship work. This is the year of peculiar possibilities for reframing what self-care means, and, to that end, "Date Yourself" is an essential read. — DANIELLE DULSKY, AUTHOR OF THE HOLY WILD, SEASONS OF MOON AND FLAME, AND WOMAN MOST WILD Thank the goddess for Sierra Melcher. We all need what she’s sharing - non-preachy, supportive insight. This book is an invitation to date and find love for ourselves, and in a world where women have been, and continue to be told daily all the ways that they are ‘broken’ + need ‘fixing’, this self-love wisdom is not only needed, it’s necessary. — LISA LISTER, CREATRIX AND BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF WITCH, LOVE YOUR LADY LANDSCAPE + CODE RED DATE YOURSELF A PRACTICAL GUIDE TO BUILDING SELF- CONFIDENCE AND LEARNING TO LOVE WHO YOU ARE SIERRA MELCHER Copyright © 2020 by Sierra Melcher Cover Art: Tarn Ellis Images: courtesy of Canva Pro All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review. Integral Women: www.Integral-Women.com Created with Vellum For Her and for each of you… to find and hold the love you have been seeking all these years. CONTENTS Introduction xiii 1. YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE 1 Chapter 1 It’s Time to Date Yourself 3 Bridging the Gap 5 How Date Yourself Works Miracles 6 Time To Journal 8 Initiation Exercise 9 30-Days to Date Yourself 10 2. BREAKING UP 11 Chapter 2 Step 1: Dear John Letters 12 Step 2: Cutting Energetic Ties 15 Step 3: Fire Ceremony 16 Step 4: Breaking up with your Beasties 18 Step 5: Create a Space for the Loving Partner 25 Step 6: Make a Shrine. 28 Micro-shifts: Intention and Attention 30 3. BECOMING YOUR IDEAL PARTNER 33 Chapter 3 Break-Down-Through 33 Primary Relationship 35 Ideal Partner: Part 1 (Internal) 37 Ideal Partner: Part 2 (External) 39 Ideal Partner: Part 3 (becoming this for 41 yourself) Building an Alter Ego 41 Invite Curiosity 43 Spiritual Treasure Hunt 44 Your Awesomeness Collage 45 4. FLIRTING TO DATING 49 Chapter 4 What Turns You On? 52 Schedule your month. 54 Date Yourself Check list 56 Plan a Public Date with Yourself 58 The Real Deal Dating Yourself: 59 5. IDENTITY AND THE STORIES WE TELL 61 Chapter 5 The Stories We Tell 64 Identity: 65 Venn Diagram: Interlocking identity 66 Constructing your own Mythology. 68 6. COMMUNICATION 73 Chapter 6 Lost in Translation 74 Self-Talk & Putting the Nasty Voice in the 76 Back Seat Boundaries and Edges 81 7. L.O.V.E 84 Chapter 7 Love Timeline 86 Your Love Jigsaw 87 What is Love? 88 Acceptance versus Love 91 Love Languages 92 Experiment: 96 8. YOU’VE GOT BODY 99 Chapter 8 Poetry of Acceptance 101 Body Appreciation Practices 104 Self-Touch 104 Discovery Phase 106 9. DATING YOUR CYCLE 110 Chapter 9 Counting Your Cycle 113 Cycle-Aligned Dating Plan: 117 10. PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER 120 Chapter 10 Creating Trust 121 Dreaming 123 The Art of Receiving: 127 Dreaming in-tune with your cyclical rhythm 130 “Yes, Thank you” Practice 131 11. DATE YOURSELF IN A RELATIONSHIP 134 Chapter 11 A True Story 135 Building a New Schema 139 Having Difficult Conversations 141 12. SOUL CONTRACT 148 Be those missing pieces for yourself. 148 Making a Soul Contract 150 Write your own vows: 150 Remaking the concept of soulmate 151 Plan your Ceremony: 152 Postscript 154 Leave a review 157 Resources 159 Notes 165 Acknowledgments 167 About the Author 169 Books by Sierra Melcher 171 Also by Sierra Melcher 173 INTRODUCTION Holding my own hair back with one hand and with my finger down my throat I felt both relief and a heavy sadness. On one hand I felt in control again. Simultaneously, I felt desperately lonely tears streaking down my face (not even allowing myself to cry from sadness) but rather the tears of forced vomiting blurred my eyes. Doubled over I wished I could stick my fingers down my throat even further to purge all the doubt and fear I felt, sure that I was utterly impossible to love. Unfortunately, emotions don’t come out as easily as food. I was fourteen. My self-repulsion was well instilled before then. This book is not about eating disorders, but for me bulimia was a manifestation of my extreme self-loathing. I felt like I couldn’t control anything so I controlled what I ate and what I digested. Even my attempts at self-love in the form of feeding myself was a form of torment quickly followed psychological and emotional berating. xiii INTRODUCTION “Suck in your belly, head up, cross your legs.” I was taught to be a lady before I ever learned to be myself. I loved my Nana dearly; she practically raised me. But she came from a different age and a set of values where securing a mate was the ultimate goal. My grandmother raised five sons. I was the first girl in two generations and she was doing her best to make me a proper lady. Along the way I learned to “do it right or keep it hidden.” I came from a family that valued knowledge and propriety. Erudite New Englanders proud of their puritanical heritage valued hard work, simple living and maintaining a good reputation. Since childhood, I have been sensitive and intuitive. I learned most of these lessons more through subtle cues than overt instruction. These values became an intricate part of the web I weaved and the stories that ruled my life. As we all do, I learned the rules of the game and then I became the referee: Look the right way Say the right things Do the right things It matters what people think. Where you are not good enough protect that secret at all costs. Be all things for all people Always put other people first I learned how to fake it in nearly every regard. I struggled in school because I struggled with reading.