PRAISE FOR DATE YOURSELF

For every woman who has placed a measuring stick before her eyes through moments of “I’m not good enough” this book sings the melody you’ve been hearing but suddenly the volume is raised. YOU ARE ENOUGH. Explore this captivating journey with its date-a-licious encouragement to explore the better parts of yourself. Illuminate ladies. This book is your lighthouse to do so.

— ELIZABETH BARRY, AUTHOR OF OWN YOUR VULNERABILITY, THE KIND COMMUNICATOR, DESIGN YOUR MIND TO BE KIND, HEAVEN ON ELEVEN & LITTLE BOOK OF LOVE.

Sierra Melcher's Date Yourself offers women a wise, approachable step-by-step guide to heal self-loathing and cultivate self-intimacy. She's so right when she says, 'The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives'– starting with the relationship we have with ourselves.” If you're ready to shift your view on dating and to see it as a journey of self-discovery, this is for you!

— SARA AVANT STOVER, BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF THE WAY OF THE HAPPY WOMAN AND THE BOOK OF SHE Date Yourself is a must read for all women who are tired of buying into the cultural narrative of who they should be and want a path to loving and nurturing themselves for who they really are.

— LOUANN BRIZENDINE, MD AUTHOR OF THE FEMALE BRAIN

Have you ever picked up a book and, before you had even finished it, found yourself mentally ordering copies for all the important women in your life? That's Date Yourself. It's the handbook I wish every young woman were issued a copy of at puberty. The process Sierra Melcher lays out for the reader is so straightforward and easy to follow that it's hard to believe the results will be as profoundly life-changing as they are. If you, or anyone you know, has ever used the phrase, "I tend to lose myself in relationships," then this is the book for you!

— ADRIENNE MACIAIN, PHD, "THE STORY WHISPERER" AUTHOR OF MELTING IVORY, HOST OF THAT'S ALOUD PODCAST

In "Date Yourself", Sierra Melcher invites us to examine our connection with our own mind and heart. With relatable stories and supportive suggestions, you will find yourself drawn in and excited to get to know yourself again. So grab a cup of tea and explore that all important relationship.

— SHARON SALZBERG, AUTHOR OF LOVINGKINDNESS AND REAL CHANGE 'Dating yourself' can (and must) go deeper than the trappings of 'treat yourself' culture, since self care without self reflection serves only the corporations who sell us our chocolates and skin creams. In this warm and empowering book, Sierra encourages her readers to 'write their own Rosetta Stone' of what lights them up—inside and out—and to use that list on a daily basis. Her approach is both nourishing and practical, as playful as it is profound.

— CAMILLE DEANGELIS, AUTHOR OF LIFE WITHOUT ENVY: EGO MANAGEMENT FOR CREATIVE PEOPLE

These strange times have marked many of us as orphans of modernity, and our relationships often suffer from our lack of truly and wholly belonging to a place and to a people. In "Date Yourself," Sierra Melcher explores those contemporary rough places rarely discussed in self- care circles, brilliantly highlighting the many ways through which our marriage to our own wild souls, our embodied homecoming to self, is the fundamental relationship work. This is the year of peculiar possibilities for reframing what self-care means, and, to that end, "Date Yourself" is an essential read.

— DANIELLE DULSKY, AUTHOR OF THE HOLY WILD, SEASONS OF MOON AND FLAME, AND WOMAN MOST WILD Thank the goddess for Sierra Melcher. We all need what she’s sharing - non-preachy, supportive insight. This book is an invitation to date and find love for ourselves, and in a world where women have been, and continue to be told daily all the ways that they are ‘broken’ + need ‘fixing’, this self-love wisdom is not only needed, it’s necessary.

— LISA LISTER, CREATRIX AND BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF WITCH, LOVE YOUR LADY LANDSCAPE + CODE RED DATE YOURSELF A PRACTICAL GUIDE TO BUILDING SELF- CONFIDENCE AND LEARNING TO LOVE WHO YOU ARE

SIERRA MELCHER Copyright © 2020 by Sierra Melcher

Cover Art: Tarn Ellis

Images: courtesy of Canva Pro

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Integral Women: www.Integral-Women.com

Created with Vellum For Her

and for each of you… to find and hold the love you have been seeking all these years.

CONTENTS

Introduction xiii

1. YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE 1 Chapter 1 It’s Time to Date Yourself 3 Bridging the Gap 5 How Date Yourself Works Miracles 6 Time To Journal 8 Initiation Exercise 9 30-Days to Date Yourself 10 2. BREAKING UP 11 Chapter 2 Step 1: Dear John Letters 12 Step 2: Cutting Energetic Ties 15 Step 3: Fire Ceremony 16 Step 4: Breaking up with your Beasties 18 Step 5: Create a Space for the Loving Partner 25 Step 6: Make a Shrine. 28 Micro-shifts: Intention and Attention 30 3. BECOMING YOUR IDEAL PARTNER 33 Chapter 3 Break-Down-Through 33 Primary Relationship 35 Ideal Partner: Part 1 (Internal) 37 Ideal Partner: Part 2 (External) 39 Ideal Partner: Part 3 (becoming this for 41 yourself) Building an Alter Ego 41 Invite Curiosity 43 Spiritual Treasure Hunt 44 Your Awesomeness Collage 45 4. FLIRTING TO DATING 49 Chapter 4 What Turns You On? 52 Schedule your month. 54 Date Yourself Check list 56 Plan a Public Date with Yourself 58 The Real Deal Dating Yourself: 59 5. IDENTITY AND THE STORIES WE TELL 61 Chapter 5 The Stories We Tell 64 Identity: 65 Venn Diagram: Interlocking identity 66 Constructing your own Mythology. 68 6. COMMUNICATION 73 Chapter 6 Lost in Translation 74 Self-Talk & Putting the Nasty Voice in the 76 Back Seat Boundaries and Edges 81 7. L.O.V.E 84 Chapter 7 Love Timeline 86 Your Love Jigsaw 87 What is Love? 88 Acceptance versus Love 91 Love Languages 92 Experiment: 96 8. YOU’VE GOT BODY 99 Chapter 8 Poetry of Acceptance 101 Body Appreciation Practices 104 Self-Touch 104 Discovery Phase 106 9. DATING YOUR CYCLE 110 Chapter 9 Counting Your Cycle 113 Cycle-Aligned Dating Plan: 117 10. PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER 120 Chapter 10 Creating Trust 121 Dreaming 123 The Art of Receiving: 127 Dreaming in-tune with your cyclical rhythm 130 “Yes, Thank you” Practice 131 11. DATE YOURSELF IN A RELATIONSHIP 134 Chapter 11 A True Story 135 Building a New Schema 139 Having Difficult Conversations 141 12. SOUL CONTRACT 148 Be those missing pieces for yourself. 148 Making a Soul Contract 150 Write your own vows: 150 Remaking the concept of soulmate 151 Plan your Ceremony: 152 Postscript 154

Leave a review 157 Resources 159 Notes 165 Acknowledgments 167 About the Author 169 Books by Sierra Melcher 171 Also by Sierra Melcher 173

INTRODUCTION

Holding my own hair back with one hand and with my finger down my throat I felt both relief and a heavy sadness. On one hand I felt in control again. Simultaneously, I felt desperately lonely tears streaking down my face (not even allowing myself to cry from sadness) but rather the tears of forced vomiting blurred my eyes. Doubled over I wished I could stick my fingers down my throat even further to purge all the doubt and fear I felt, sure that I was utterly impossible to love. Unfortunately, emotions don’t come out as easily as food. I was fourteen. My self-repulsion was well instilled before then.

This book is not about eating disorders, but for me bulimia was a manifestation of my extreme self-loathing. I felt like I couldn’t control anything so I controlled what I ate and what I digested. Even my attempts at self-love in the form of feeding myself was a form of torment quickly followed psychological and emotional berating.

xiii INTRODUCTION

“Suck in your belly, head up, cross your legs.” I was taught to be a lady before I ever learned to be myself. I loved my Nana dearly; she practically raised me. But she came from a different age and a set of values where securing a mate was the ultimate goal. My grandmother raised five sons. I was the first girl in two generations and she was doing her best to make me a proper lady. Along the way I learned to “do it right or keep it hidden.”

I came from a family that valued knowledge and propriety. Erudite New Englanders proud of their puritanical heritage valued hard work, simple living and maintaining a good reputation.

Since childhood, I have been sensitive and intuitive. I learned most of these lessons more through subtle cues than overt instruction. These values became an intricate part of the web I weaved and the stories that ruled my life. As we all do, I learned the rules of the game and then I became the referee:

Look the right way Say the right things Do the right things It matters what people think. Where you are not good enough protect that secret at all costs. Be all things for all people Always put other people first

I learned how to fake it in nearly every regard.

I struggled in school because I struggled with reading. I hid my weakness. I put more energy into pretending than learn‐

xiv INTRODUCTION ing. Eventually, more than a decade later, I became a teacher in part because I wanted to support others to not struggle as I had. But I did not see myself as a teacher. I still felt like a squirmy teenager. I could hardly see the distinction between my students and myself. So I donned a fake pair of glasses trying to look the part. Every day for a year I felt more like an actor than a teacher. After all, I had spent my whole life pretending to be someone else; this just felt like faking it on a whole other level. I was good at not being me.

While I was raised by Tibetan Buddhists and spent much of my childhood in and around meditation retreat centers, mindfulness was not something I practiced much growing up. I absorbed the philosophy and some of the principles but I kept the self-awareness at arm's length. It was my ability to disconnect and numb out that made life tolerable.

It wasn't until much later in conjunction with my yoga teacher training, traveling the world and studying to become a Reiki master that I put the various pieces together. My original survival mechanism was to feel nothing and play the part. I learned to see I had never been me. I had been trying to be who everyone else wanted me to be (which turns out to be an impossible, thankless mind-fuck). I had no idea who I was.

I was often single because it was exhausting trying to be someone else on such an intimate level. But I still wanted to do fun things. One year, while teaching abroad, I found a missing piece. I wanted to go out on dates, but not with actual people. I didn’t really know how to be with anyone. I had to first figure out who I was when I wasn’t pretending. So I made a deal with myself; Tuesdays were date night, nothing would interfere with me getting to know me.

xv INTRODUCTION

Most Tuesdays that year, I honored my commitment and took myself out on a date. Some nights I went out to dinner; other nights to a movie (yes by myself). On other nights I just wanted to stay home. It didn’t matter what I did so much as that I was feeling into myself. From this practice I learned to listen to what I wanted, what I needed and what I liked! It was the first time that I'd given myself permission to take into account my own desires without factoring in who others needed me to be. While it was certainly not the end, it was the beginning of dating myself.

Since then I have become a parent, a community leader, a coach and guide for others, an author and an avid learner. Most importantly I have become unabashedly myself! Now, I am committed to continually reinvesting in the relationship with myself!

From my extensive work with women around the world, I see clearly how my story is not unique. On the contrary, while the exact details are different the underlying theme is always the same. We each share some degree of self-destruc‐ tion and self-loathing that we try to hide, mask and manage. So many women today are trying to be all things for all people and if there is any remaining energy, only then do they tend to themselves and that is never enough.

DATING ASSUMPTIONS:

Dating can be a lot of things. For this little book, let’s assume the following.

Dating = having fun playing with an interesting person, getting to know someone. Dating = supporting your own growth.

xvi INTRODUCTION

Dating = encouraging belonging. Dating = cultivating intimacy, nurturance, and kindness. Dating = exploring possibility. Dating = encountering your “soulmate,” your favorite person.

You need to date yourself if:

You are seeking validation, completion and fulfillment from relationships (including work, family, partner, friends, success, etc). You get wrapped up in taking care of everyone else, but damn, you know you need a bit of lovin’ too! You have any self-loathing or struggle with self- doubt. You believe you will like yourself when ___ (fill in the blank), but not as you are in this moment. You think you need to meet someone who will love you the way you are, but can’t seem to love yourself. You feel someone else's love of you is more important, more valid, than your own self-love. You want to build a deeper, more generous and kind relationship with yourself.

My personal journey involves shifting a pattern practiced for nearly 30 years of rampant self-hate to one that more resembles a healthy friendship that I continually recommit to. Once I saw what I was doing to myself, it took me over twelve years to gather the lessons, tools and insights I share

xvii INTRODUCTION in this book as a structured approach to how to extricate yourself from crippling self-doubt and sabotage. It does not have to take twelve years for you.

DO WE JUST NEED MORE SELF-CARE?

Self-care is all the buzz these days. From social media posts to self-help books galore and advertisements, we are exposed to many versions of what it means to “take care” of ourselves. The term “self-care” has become part of many modern women’s everyday vocabulary. It comes up in nearly all of my conversations with clients and friends. However, there remains a hollow understanding of what self-care looks like and how to effectively integrate it into our lives. Too often what passes for self-nurturing is no more than polishing a geode, trying to smooth a rough surface and make it glisten, when the crystals are deep inside.

Love & Belonging We all crave love and belonging. We seek fulfillment in career, relationships and pursuing our passions. But we never really learn how to care for ourselves or make our own happiness. If we are content and thriving it feels like happen‐ stance and if we are unhappy it feels like our own fault. So we try to make ourselves feel better with a little bit of pampering, never truly learning how to create and nurture what is most vital to our true flourishing. Throughout the course of our lives, we find ourselves longing for recognition and a sense of accomplishment. It has become normalized to focus on the material world, composed of physical, tangible components that we can see, touch and measure. Our perspective has developed around

xviii INTRODUCTION this focus on these external signs of success and who we know ourselves to be, affecting everything from our language and behavior to our beliefs and self-worth. As English-speakers, we have a plethora of words to discuss observable phenomena and tangible things, but far fewer words to describe that which we cannot see, the more subtle, internal and spiritual realms. The gems remain hidden.

AN IRRECONCILED SPLIT

Our culture, on a global scale, has become driven by results, obsessed with growth and progress. Meanwhile, our internal, spiritual worlds have been left by the wayside, partially because they can’t be monitored and measured in the same ways. By shining the limelight on the external, our internal aspects are left in the shadows, however both are vital components of who we are in our entirety. Our infatuation with external approval and prosperity, relying on affirmation from others, has morphed into an obsession. We have become addicted to the external. What do I mean by “addicted to the external”? Well, in part, I’m referring to a collective obsession with appearance and body image that is constantly reinforced by society. Obviously, a woman’s body is more than just her own flesh. Women’s bodies are “objects” of marketing strategies, polit‐ ical battlegrounds and much more. Our bodies are not just anatomy. Let’s come back to this point in a moment. The imbalance of our self-concept and attention goes well beyond our bodies. The external shapes our sense of self. Race, gender, class, origin and education are all external factors that influence a person’s development. All the roles we fill shape our identity, we define ourselves by our rela‐ tionships as daughters, sisters, friends, lovers, colleagues, mothers, artists, activists, etc.

xix INTRODUCTION

Identity “But, that is who I am! That is not external, that is me!” is usually the response I hear. Take a moment to reflect, though. If you get a divorce, are you still a wife? If you change careers, are you still an accountant or a gymnast? I am the mother to a daughter; that will be something I do for the rest of my life, however “mother” is a role I embody, it is not who I am. Our roles and relationships are things we try on, even if we end up wearing them throughout our lives. We are not what we do, where we are from, or even our gender. This distinction is blurred, especially in the English language and can be seen clearly by referencing Spanish for a few moments.

I Am In Spanish there are two verbs that express the verb To Be where English only has one. This drove me crazy when I was first learning Spanish, but I appreciate the distinction now. SER, “to be”, indicates permanent characteristics. For exam‐ ple, “Soy mujer” translates to “I am a woman.” My gender is not likely to change. ESTAR, the other version of “to be”, indicates impermanent states, such as, “estoy triste,” which translates to “I am sad.” Saying “I am sad” in English sounds permanent, rather than “I am feeling sad at the moment and that will change.” In English, “I AM” is such a powerful and frequent expression. Many of the stories we tell ourselves about who we are and how the world is, starts with “I am.” Think of things you think to yourself or say out loud about who you are… “I am bad at math.” “I am never going to be able to do that.” “They are mean.” All sound indelibly unchangeable, because we only have one verb to describe a state of being, when many states are temporary and potentially changeable. “I am angry” has a different meaning than “I feel angry.”

xx INTRODUCTION

One seems like a permanent assessment of who I am, the other indicates a feeling that will change. Language subtly and profoundly impacts how we say what we mean. Eventu‐ ally, it can create meanings we may not intend. Notice how you express what IS.

Lost to Our Selves Who you are is a profound and existential question if you allow it. Within the context of this book, and the date your‐ self practice, I will ask you to look beyond your surface self‐ dom. During the course of this exploration, as you date yourself, a far greater intimacy will be cultivated. As part of this exploration, you must re-examine fundamental aspects of yourself. Your body is a physical manifestation of who you are. At first glance people can guess your gender, age, origin, class, health, discipline, even sexual preference, political affiliation, and maybe even religion. It is certainly not a perfect science, yet we are highly attuned to interpreting appearance. Due to societal pressures and values we have internalized over the years, it’s easy to develop an obsession with how others perceive your body. Yet, despite this hyperfocus on the physi‐ cal, many of us end up disconnected from the deep wisdom and pleasure contained in our bodies. Although it may be a physical manifestation of you, your body is not who you are!

We Are Not Who We Think We Are Questioning who we truly are is a conversation that oftentimes sets people off. It can be terrifying, distressing or infuriating to consider that our bodies and our roles don’t define who we are. Are you feeling any of these things? Good! I like strong emotions. Experiencing intense feelings means we are onto something! We invest so much energy in caring for our physical and

xxi INTRODUCTION perceived selves and developing our external expressions, that it feels reasonable to tie our whole identity to these markers. To use an example from my own life, like many women in the modern age, I have obsessed over my size, shape and weight. Even after recovering from bulimia, I lost 20+ pounds multiple times. Each time, I felt strongly that my identity was tied to my “success” or “failure” in shaping my form to meet a cultural ideal. It seemed to me that my value and my self-worth were hanging in the balance. My health and longevity were not my concern, just my looks. Each time I committed to lose weight, a common self- care factor, I carried the burden of the outcome. Whenever I reached my “goal,” I was struck with two immediate contrary reactions:

1. Elation for accomplishing a goal of looking like I am “supposed to.” 2. Terror and vulnerability, as though I am naked and exposed to unseen threats and inconceivable dangers.

It is a feeling that I am safer if I am unseen and by becoming more attractive, I am endangering myself. This contradiction poses an obvious struggle for me. Instead of feeling pleased, I feel panic. There is a disconnect between my external expectations and internal experience. For a long time, I had been following cultural (read, external) precepts of what was good for me. I realized that I had been taught to strive and celebrate my own diminishment. As a woman, my value is tied to how little space I inhabit. I am

xxii INTRODUCTION celebrated and appreciated for reducing myself and at times, even starving myself. When my physical form can be dimin‐ ished and my voice silenced, then I am rewarded. In the 21st century, no one is complimented for being a mouthy, opin‐ ionated hulk of a woman. In fact, those very words are scathing and condemning!

WHAT MAKES A WOMAN?

Beginning at birth, little girls are taught that their looks are paramount, not their thoughts, capacities or interests, but rather, their appearance. Daily, I witness my daughter receiving praise for being cute and pretty. No wonder teens and women obsess about beauty to the point of anorexia, plastic surgery and becoming captivated by a fickle fashion industry, where trends only last a moment. In rare moments when I met the cultural standards of how I “should” look as a woman, I felt most uncomfortable both in my skin and in my heart. For me the breaking point eventually came after years of stumbling through brief romantic relationships never really understanding how they happened and why they ended. spending long fallow periods as a single woman alone with my thoughts. I had worked so hard trying to get people to like me, yet all the while I had been feeding a story that I was fundamen‐ tally unlovable. Whether it was my weight, struggling with reading or any of a multitude of perceived weaknesses, I had been inces‐ santly nitpicking, bullying and shaming myself in every aspect. Being obsessively self-critical to the point of feeling completely unsafe in my own skin, left me never willing to

xxiii INTRODUCTION risk letting anyone know me, sure they would find me as repulsive as I found myself. I share my personal story to highlight one aspect of the external obsession of our culture. In fact, it is through this yo-yo cycle that I was guided to the horrific realization that I had been torturing myself physically and psychologically to meet an arbitrary external measure. This guided me to a question that I have been pondering ever since.

If cultural messages cause fantastic discomfort, might there be another guide or standard to seek and follow that feels better, both in my body and in my mind?

This question led me on a quest. I sought alternative messages and guidance. First, I had to identify the cultural messages that society had woven inside of me. Then, I had to untangle myself from these messages, tugging at one thread at a time to free myself. With these loose threads, I had to weave fresh guidance, a new pattern to help me maintain integrity. Once I began toppling the original story I had bought into, I was left with a vacancy. When we start to deconstruct the dominant cultural external perspective, we are left with a burning question.

If I am not my body, my relationships, my familial roles, or my job...then who am I?

DATE YOURSELF AS SELF-DISCOVERY

This book is devoted to a process by which I approached the absence of an external story ruling my every thought and action. Dating myself was how I awakened an internal, self- made wisdom, which fundamentally changed how I related

xxiv INTRODUCTION to myself and my life. It will not solve all your problems, but this practice will keep you grounded in self-confidence. What I discovered is now at the core of all I teach my clients. We are the heroes we have been waiting for. Once we learn how to be the guide and how to connect with the inner authority we can find within all we have been seeking in the external world.

DOWNLOAD the JOURNAL1: I have made an accompa‐ nying journal/notebook for you. In those pages you will deepen the practices, take notes and craft your own Rosetta Stone.

MAKING SPACE FOR YOU

When we begin to take our entire selves into account, beyond just our physical expression and societal roles, the paradigm of pampering being synonymous with beautifica‐ tion, begins to crumble.

What does self-care look like when we consider all the parts that make up who we are, both tangible and intangible?

One thing is for sure, “self-care” in most of its current iterations starts to seem ridiculous! In pop culture, we are shown a version of self-care that feeds the obsession with the external: nails, massage, makeovers, exercise. This version of self-care is well-intentioned, and by no means am I condemning any of the aforementioned activities. They can be enjoyable. In fact, for many years, when I thought of self- care, these were exactly the sort of things that came to mind. However, by digging deeper, I’ve found that limiting self- care to rituals that play into cultural beauty myths, arguably designed to make women more attractive to men (in align‐

xxv INTRODUCTION ment with heteronormative values), reinforces a message that a woman’s value resides in her ability to “land a man” by being pretty. This further perpetuates our dependence on an external identity, without acknowledging or eliciting any other potential.

Women in a Box For far too long, women’s acceptable roles have fallen into the Virgin and Mother archetypes. We are valued for our sex appeal, our purity and/or our ability to bear and raise children. This sounds outdated, but how much has really changed? The other female archetypes of Wild Woman and Crone, which come with self-possession, wisdom and age, are forsaken and shunned. Wild Women speak their mind, heed their own inner guidance and intuition and, as the name suggests, are not beholden to anyone. They are wild, fierce and free. Crones are the old, the wise, the aged carriers of wisdom. They are no longer lithe or interested in the youthful pursuits: romance, obsession with body image or accomplishing life’s goals; they are no longer burdened with raising children. They belong to themselves and don’t give two fucks. These are not desired aspects of the feminine because they cannot be controlled or subdued. It has been eons since women were revered for their girth, think Venus of Willendorf (see below). How different is she from the flawless images of young slender women of today? Women after the age of 35 cease to exist in the public eye, because they don’t fit into the prescribed limitations of accept‐ able archetypes; physical beauty fades and their reproductive years are numbered. We are so

xxvi INTRODUCTION familiar with this paradigm that we do not see it. The Beauty Myth, by Naomi Wolf is an incredible exposé that decon‐ structs our cultural normative views on beauty. I highly recommend reading it. Women’s value, in dominant culture, is still fickle and short-lived. When older women reappear they are either kindly grandmothers (non-threatening sexless caregivers) or witches (evil women not to be trusted, condemned by history). As women, we have accepted this narrow story of how and where we fit, whether we are aware of it or not. The Size and Shape of Your Box Surface level self-care fits into the modern, Western world, where the physical and tangible are treated as tanta‐ mount. We can believe we are taking care of ourselves. But, when we begin to look beyond the surface, how many of us really know our authentic selves, beyond the facade that requires so much energy to sustain? Looking beyond these illusions leads us to further questions, this is the time to ask yourself:

1. What beliefs have I learned and absorbed about who I should be as a woman? 2. To what degree do I measure my value by my physical expression and the roles I play? 3. What are my beliefs regarding the goal of securing a mate? 4. Which of my beliefs are my own, and which are imposed by the larger society?

By gaining perspective and clarity to see the external, we

xxvii INTRODUCTION give ourselves permission to examine and awaken the inter‐ nal. This brings up even more questions.

1. What exactly is the internal? 2. Who am I, if not my accomplishments, the love I give and receive, the thoughts I share, my body?

These are difficult inquiries to take on, as the very nature of the internal is that it is intangible. Yet do not be deceived and guess that it is also impossible far from the truth.

For Lack of Words We have so few words to describe what goes on within the internal sphere. Without sufficient vocabulary to take on the subject, the intangible gets left out of everyday dialogue. The few words that we do have to approach the intimate, internal sphere have been relegated to a woo-woo ultra- newage realm. The language of the internal has become inac‐ cessible to mainstream people, although we all have the need to connect with and learn the language of this unspoken part of ourselves. It’s not just hippies that have a mystical realm! Both mystics and quantum physicists continue to explore this realm beyond our immediate observable reality, and in their explorations are finding that physical laws and spiritual beliefs are compatible, at times shockingly similar, if not identical, simply described in different ways. As regular people, who are neither mystics nor quantum physicists, we need a way to talk about intangible experiences. As you may know, the simple act of observing a thing, changes that thing. Therefore, by asking these questions and devoting attention to this part of yourself, you are making the change you desire. However, unfortunately, when we find ourselves without time or energy to devote to the intangible aspects of

xxviii INTRODUCTION ourselves, our internal climate withers. Without tools or vocabulary to talk about the spiritual aspects of our lives and our emotions, our energetic balance shifts. As I know all too well, it is easy to get swept up in the flow of life and main‐ taining the status quo. Yet, the mysticism in life never goes away, nor do our internal worlds of feelings and subtleties, but, without attention, they do diminish. Self-care without self-reflection, without access to this deep and intangible world we live in, isn’t providing the healing we seek.

Back to Love & Belonging To truly achieve healing, self-care needs to center around love. Love is a word that gets thrown around a lot, often‐ times without a clear sense of what it means. While we all want love and hope to receive it, many of us aren’t even sure what that would look like. When we put self-care and this profound need for love together, we end up with this equation:

Self (don’t know who that is) + Love (don’t know what it is) = Oh dear. It’s no wonder we are confused.

There’s so much beautiful advice in the self-help genre about how to improve yourself. “Be kinder to yourself.” “Treat yourself like a queen.” “You need more self-love!” All of these statements are well intentioned… but there is a chasm the size of the universe between these inspiring plati‐ tudes and the wisdom needed to apply them to ourselves!

A Revolution in the Making Date Yourself aims to reacquaint you with yourself by sharing the tools you need to go beyond clichés and create an internal culture of genuine self-like. Learning about yourself

xxix INTRODUCTION and coming to a place where you truly like and accept your‐ self takes time! Loving yourself is a lifelong practice but starts with self-knowing in a sincere, meaningful way. Self-love is the deep end of the pool. Instead of diving in head first, only to belly flop and feel the sting of failure, let’s wade in. Aspire to know yourself, as you are, to be cool with being you. Yes, in this body, at this age, with this amount of money and station in life, without changing anything! Reading that, you may find yourself wondering what to do about the love you desire from others, the approval and gratification you seek from work, from all your efforts in your relationships in the world and from a partner. All of these things still matter and have a place. I have a secret to tell you… you can live a life that includes both internal and external forms of love and appreciation. But, all the external approval and affirmation in the world will never be enough if love and acceptance isn’t first coming from within. This isn’t an outright rejection of overempha‐ sizing the external, but rather a fierce nudge to return to a healthy balance between an internal guidance system and an awareness of the dominant culture’s expectations of you.

Date Yourself is a fresh perspective on self-care (and a needed kick in the pants) to the head first approach to self-love.

You wouldn’t reasonably fall in love with someone you didn’t know at all (although, sometimes we do, which is unhealthy and generally leads to messed up things happen‐ ing). I wouldn’t encourage this behavior, not even in the pursuit of a healthier relationship with yourself.

Are you ready for this?

xxx YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE

CHAPTER 1

There once was a girl in her twenties. She lived in a cute studio apartment in a metropolitan city. Clocking 12 to 16-hour days doing meaningful work, walking through the park on the way to work, paying her credit card on time (mostly). She thought she had “made it” in the world. Beyond her day-to-day hustle, she found ways to be adventurous. She spent summers traveling, dancing the night away with her friends. Over the years, she dated a bit, had a few one or two-night stands, even had a couple of rendezvous that turned into brief romances. But beyond the cliched-perfect “living the dream”-lifestyle, she felt like a mess. She was running the rat race with no sense of who she was or what she really wanted in life.

That girl? She was me.

hen I look back on who I was during my W twenties, I see a girl who was going through a series of crises. Burdened by my own perfectionistic expecta‐

1 SIERRA MELCHER tions, I believed that to find the love I was supposed to get, I needed to look and be a certain way, a way I certainly was not. I wanted to be loved, of course, but couldn’t navigate the inner discord between the stories I believed about who was worthy of love and what it meant to allow someone to really know me. While sex can be fulfilling and bonding, my expe‐ riences felt transactional and lacked intimacy. I was committed only to the external, the physical act and had fully shutdown the internal and emotional vulnerable part of myself. *If, by chance, you skipped reading the Introduction, please go back and read it. I was terrified of letting anyone in, of getting to know someone, sure that s/he wouldn’t like me because I didn’t meet the cultural ideal. Equally, I never got to learn what I was interested in or attracted to, because it is futile to know what you want, if you are sure you’ll never get or deserve it. Towards the end of my twenties, a realization came to me. I had been limiting myself. I had bought into a cultural narrative of what it meant to be “single,” to be a woman, to be big. I took these external storylines and lived them as if they were my own. This realization that I was living someone else’s story sank in slowly, and over the next several years, I started to explore alternative plot-lines. I began writing my own script, creating a story that let me be who I truly am, still a work in progress, but much more fun.

MY TWENTIES CAME TO AN END, but my exploration contin‐ ued. Throughout my thirties, I found a new narrative tech‐ nique. I discovered the empowering practice of dating myself. Culture tries to convince us that we should be out in the world searching for the “love of our lives” a “soul mate”. This book is about becoming the love of your own life!

2 DATE YOURSELF

Whether you are in your twenties or in your fifties, straight, gay or anywhere in between, partnered, single or “it’s complicated”. There is wisdom to take away from this book and weave into your life. It’s never too late (or too early!) to examine the stories you tell yourself, and figure out which ones are serving you and which ones you can rewrite.

TRUE BELONGING Brené Brown, a researcher of vulnerability and belonging (and a personal hero of mine), teaches about the rewards of risk and authenticity. She states: “True belonging is the spiri‐ tual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being part of something and standing alone in the wilderness.” This quote captures so perfectly what is at the heart of dating yourself. A balance between the external and internal. Nurturing a profound love for yourself that gives you the strength to sincerely share yourself with others, or to stand alone in your truth. This idea of an authentic, meaningful expression of self- acceptance forms the basis for the type of self-care I teach. THE DATING YOURSELF PRACTICE IS A REVOLUTION IN SELF- CARE. The tools presented within these pages will guide you through the labyrinth that leads to an experience of “true belonging”. Journaling prompts and rituals will help you untether your sense of belonging from external sources and place the power of belonging in your own hands. The concepts in this book work as a catalyst to reinitiate an intangible source from within, to foster the energy inside to heal and to grow fully into yourself.

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IT’S TIME TO DATE YOURSELF

In Date Yourself, you will find some ideas you may have heard before, but always with a new twist or a different context. Hopefully, you will also discover concepts that are brand- new to you. The main objective is to guide you back to your‐ self and to cultivate a loving primary relationship with yourself. (Explained in depth in Chapter 3.) Building a bridge within yourself to a territory of true belonging takes time. Dating yourself is a practice, not a quick fix. If you find yourself craving an easy solution, looking for the magic silver bullet, that’s okay. This desire comes from our externally driven sense of self, immediate results that fix everything forever. I guarantee there is great value in the process itself. As the Observer Effect in quantum mechanics explains “mere observation of a phenomenon inevitably changes that phenomenon.” (You don’t need to know anything more, but if you want to get dorky go check out the double-slit experiment; be ready to have your mind blown.)1 Remember, have fun with this practice! Change is happening already.

COMMIT to This I recommend that you make a minimum 30-day commit‐ ment to carry out these practices. Your focus on yourself is imperative to cultivating your own wellbeing. The structure I’ve designed will provide you with a month of opportunities ripe for growth. Of course, you can practice for as long as you like, but committing to yourself for at least 30 days now will pay off later. You will reap what you sow; I encourage you to wholeheartedly dedicate yourself to this practice and enjoy your bountiful harvest. How you proceed after the first month is up to you.

4 DATE YOURSELF

Ideally, you will integrate dating yourself as a way of being, so your practice can thrive! In order for your relationship with yourself to deepen, you need to continue dedicating attention to yourself. Like all relationships, it requires energy to grow and flourish. But, you know what? You are totally worth it!

BRIDGING THE GAP

The self-help genre is full of literature telling you to love yourself. Yet there remains a massive gap between you and these lands of self-love. At least for me, there was a gigantic moat separating myself from a place where self-love could be practiced. We all want to get to this place, where we can experience self-love, feel true belonging. Dating yourself is one way to get there, a method for bridging the gap between the desire to like yourself and the reality of a day-to-day experience of living that ideal. Although dating yourself is a personal practice, you don’t have to do it alone! Read this book with a few friends and encourage each other to stay accountable. And I invite you to join our global Facebook community2. Dating yourself isn’t about anyone else. It is a practice about diving into you. Because honey, if there is anyone in your life that deserves your full and honest attention, that person is YOU. After a lifetime of parceling yourself out to other people, it’s time to learn to believe that you are deserving of your own love and care. Does dedicating time and energy to yourself in this way seem outrageous, guilt-ridden or uncomfortable for any reason? According to Marianne Williamson, famous author and poet, “a miracle is just a shift in perception.” Dating yourself is a miraculous shift of your own perception.

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Do you deserve a shift in perception? Do you deserve a miracle?

(Hint: the answer is yes!)

HOW DATE YOURSELF WORKS MIRACLES

What follows are the tips, tools, and fun exercises to encourage you to devote more attention to yourself. These are the practices I use myself and with my clients. This book is about discovering your wild, awesome self. I will continue to share my own stories and those of a few women who have kindly given me permission to let their narratives shine for you. As a critical part of this process, you will write a lot: list- making, brainstorming and occasionally drawing. There are journaling prompts throughout, so you need a notebook. Every chapter requires you to have paper and colored pens or pencils. Be sure to have those supplies handy. What you do is up to you, but the more energy you dedi‐ cate to this practice, the more impact it has. That being said, you don’t have to quit your day job. Real transformation happens in micro-shifts. I’ve designed this practice to work when you devote at least 3 minutes to each prompt. You deserve that time. You can make it happen. In most cases, these questions are fun and you will enjoy exploring what they mean to you. Clarissa Pinkola Estés Ph.D. is the bestselling author of Women Who Run with Wolves. She is a senior Jungian analyst, and has an uncanny wisdom of the human soul from her extensive study of mythology and the human condition. She says, “To find this eminent life and love advisor, one only needs to stop running, do some untangling, face the wounds

6 DATE YOURSELF and one’s own yearning with compassion, give one’s entire heart to the process.” Now is the time to stop running, my dear. Each chapter will help you untangle yourself, but you must be willing to give your entire heart to the process.

WE START at the Beginning You will begin by clearing away clutter and emotional wounds from the past. Then, you will personalize your vision of an Ideal Partner. Since we are accustomed to looking for a mate, a partner, an external match, we will use that reference point to redirect and illuminate an internal desire.

*Note: We will not assume whom you love; you do you, darling! But, this book and the date yourself practice is all about you and how you can show up for yourself fully.

The most intimate relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself and therefore should be your PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP.

Instead of looking for “the one”, become your own best friend and soulmate! By devoting energy to nurturing your‐ self, you will cultivate a persona, a companion that travels with you, supports you, emerges when you need it, and flirts with you, just for fun! As you internalize the characteristics, you will embody this alter-ego from time to time. You will bring this ideal to life and create sacred intention within yourself to gently create the roots of true belonging. With each step, you will come closer to encountering your true self and gain an intimate awareness of her.

• • •

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WOMEN I’VE WORKED WITH who have developed their own inner soulmate describe becoming:

“More fun” “A more supportive friend.” “A more patient mom.” “Still not perfect, thank god, but better to myself.” “A more resilient partner.”

WHAT COULD THIS LOOK LIKE FOR YOU? I’d be thrilled to hear your stories and experiences. Truly. Write to me at [email protected] and share your process using #dateyourselfbook #dateyourselfchallenge I, personally, use essential oils as a natural way to support my physical and emotional journey. In each chapter, I will reference various oils I use. If you are curious or use oils already, have fun integrating these into your practice. Be sure to read up on the recommended uses and precautions of oils, if you are new to them. *See resources 3section at the end.

TIME TO JOURNAL

I prefer to get my thoughts and feelings out onto paper, where I can see them. They have a solid realness on the page. And when I don’t write it down, I forget! While you can contemplate the prompts on a walk, or in the shower, the benefits of traditional journaling (putting pen to paper in a daily habit) have been proven in various scientific experi‐ ments to elicit deeper analysis, longer-lasting retention, and cause physiological changes in brain activity that can be measured in an MRI. For this reason, I strongly recommend writing down your responses to some of the early exercises, because we will refer back to them frequently and regularly revise them. Also, there are powerful connections linked

8 DATE YOURSELF with handwriting and brain activation, so choosing to put pen to paper allows your body and mind to connect. Down‐ load the beautiful journal made just for you4if you haven’t already.

INITIATION EXERCISE

Let’s pause and journal for a moment. Unplug from tech during prompts. Dedicate your full focus and be present with yourself.

LIGHT A CANDLE. SIP SOME TEA, coffee, wine, kombucha, or libation of your choice. Communicate to the page your truest intention at this moment. Practice non-attachment. Nothing you write has to be a permanent proclamation. Let what you write here be a snapshot of your truth at the moment. You never have to show this to another soul, this is just for you!

WHAT DRAWS you to this book? What are you hoping to find?

Are you freshly out of a long relationship, needing to lick some wounds or reassess and find clarity on who you are outside of who you were together? Are you perpetually single and wanting to be treated sweetly, even if just by yourself? Are you longing for something you are not sure exists? Are you looking to rewrite a pattern? Are you in a relationship and looking to return to your center?

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There are infinite answers. All are perfectly correct because they are yours.

30-DAYS TO DATE YOURSELF

**Fill this out in your journal.

Great! Let’s get started!

10 BREAKING UP

CHAPTER 2

Don’t waste your time hating failure. Failure is a greater teacher than success.” -Clarissa Pinkola Estés Ph.D.

reaking up? Already? “I haven’t even started dating myself yet!” TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND LET’S BCONTINUE.

BEFORE DATING OURSELVES, we have to do some cleaning up. This chapter is rich with exercises vital for getting rid of what you carry with you from the past: old wounds, residual energy from past lovers, your internal predator (when you are your own worst enemy), and a lifetime of energetic clut‐ ter. You have a lot to break up with before you are ready to intentionally date yourself.

• • •

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I PROMISE I will not let you be a rebound! This is not a rela‐ tionship you jump into to numb the sting of a recent breakup. This is not a relationship you just try on, to distract yourself. If you skip this step, your future relationships will be tainted by your past, the same way your water bottle will taste of whatever was in it last if you don’t wash it. You have to say goodbye to some people. You have personal patterns to shed. Clutter (emotional and physical) needs to be swept away to make literal and energetic space for something new: space for you. Have fun in the rumble! Yes, it is possible, even if the prospect scares you a little. Heck, it might thrill you! Savor all the icky sensations. Be brave. Be bold. Set them all ablaze and rise from the ashes purified, like a phoenix reborn out of a healthy dose of destruction. We will attend to the external and little by little, circling towards the center, towards your interior. We will start with the people and tangible stuff, and then get more intimate with the subtle and intangible. Don’t worry! I will be with you every step of the way.

STEP 1: DEAR JOHN LETTERS

Dear John letters are an old school form of breaking up through writing. They were written when partners were separated by great distances, usually due to war. Women wrote Dear John Letters to break up with a boyfriend or husband, oftentimes because they had found a new lover. In your case, you are breaking up with ex’s, crushes, anyone who has a hold of your heart so YOU can become the new lover. Write letters to the people that you are still clinging to emotionally or energetically. We all have someone we still cling too and need to let go of, either from the past or

12 DATE YOURSELF present. If there is something nagging you, write it down. Unrequited love takes up a lot of space. Clear it out, let it go. Make space for something else. Let’s examine how.

*Remember, there is a reading group for this book and these practices.1 Sharing your experience with other understanding individuals can be revelatory. Or host a reading group amongst friends. Link to reading guide. You don’t have to do this alone.

Dear John Letters are:

Cathartic. Release all old emotions onto the page to free yourself from it. Honest. No more lies (especially to yourself). Not meant to be sent. But could be if you feel that best serves your purpose. Written like they will be burnt. Because that is what we will do after.

HOW TO DEAR JOHN/JANE:

1. Set a time and prepare yourself: Collect paper and pens that make you happy. Create a space that feels safe and supportive to you, where you won’t be interrupted. Turn off your phone. This practice is sacred. Treat it as such. 2. Conduct a massive archeological dig of all the old “feels.” Look through old photographs, sniff that old t-shirt you still have. Play a song that reminds you of a place, person or time. Your emotions and memories are activated by what you see, feel, hear, smell, and taste. Dive in.

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3. Write from the heart. Write in the first person. Address the person directly and explicitly. Contemplate the following questions: What was lovely about that person and the connection you had? Where were the injuries or injustices dealt? Say what was never said. Or what needs to be said one more time before you can be done. Name the dreams that will not be. Mention what you are grateful for. 4. Take responsibility for what was yours and no one else’s. Where did you let things happen? Where were boundaries crossed? 5. Feel the feels. This is easier said than done, but this is essential. Let the emotion pour out of you onto the page until there is nothing left. Let the tears fall. Scream and shout if you can. Break a sweat and burn through all you are holding. If your arms and legs are crossed, this body language is a protective posture, and most likely blocks emotional channels. You may have needed it once, but not now. Open up. Let things move. Feel it and set it free. 6. Write until you are empty and clear. When you are done, take a moment to see how you feel.

Emotions you can expect to encounter may include, but are not limited to: regret, longing, forgiveness, anger, hurt, sadness, betrayal, and fear. Physical sensations may include tightness in the throat or stomach, and nausea or shaking. Know that you are exactly where you need to be. Know that you are safe and can now finish feeling what you were unable to fully feel before.

• • •

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REPEAT this process for each person you need to detach from. Honor yourself and take the time you need. I don’t recom‐ mend addressing more than one person per day. This is a heavy, powerful act.

STEP 2: CUTTING ENERGETIC TIES

Once you write your letters, you will cut energetic ties to each of the recipients. As I mentioned in the introduction, the connection between the body and mind through hand‐ writing is very important in processing emotions and strengthening a wholeness of self. The following exercise integrates physical movement into the practice to facilitate emotional movement. You can also do this in conjunction with the fire ceremony that follows. This practice is to be done with a ceremonial intention. Set aside time and choose a space where you will not be interrupted.

1. Create sacred space: Candles, water, essential oils. 2. Hold the letter. Stand. Imagine and visualize the energetic tie connecting you to this person. Close your eyes and see with your mind’s eye. 3. Envision the letter like a sharp knife or saber. 4. Breathe deeply. Feel rooted, drawing energy and courage from the Earth beneath you. Feel the power of the knife in your hand. 5. Use the letter to literally cut the ties. Move your hand around your body, letter in hand, in a chopping motion. Sever the connection. Let the energetic threads fall away. 6. Release the connection. Fill your lungs with fresh

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oxygen, then focus your attention on the out breath. With each exhalation, feel the severing. 7. Say, “I hereby end the influence you had over me. I liberate you from me, and I liberate myself from you. I cut the ties.” 8. Burn the letter in a Fire Ceremony (explained in the next step) or, if you feel the only way to heal demands it, mail the letter. But remember, the writing is an exercise you do for yourself. If sending the letter feels like revenge, energetically, that has the opposite impact. It is like waking a hibernating creature. In most cases, this is not recommended.

STEP 3: FIRE CEREMONY

FIRE IS A TRANSFORMATIONAL ELEMENT, turning wood to smoke and ash. Solid to vapor. Wounds to forgiveness. Burden to freedom. Perform a fire ceremony alone or invite friends to join you. Share the letter-writing practices with them and come together to burn your wounded past. Cut energetic ties, together, and create space for something new, something fresh, something unknown. You can do this as simply or grandly as you wish.

16 DATE YOURSELF

Remember, what makes something sacred is the intention and what makes something powerful is the attention you give to it. What matters is giving up the attachment to the past. Half of the healing magic is in the writing of the letter. You have already felt that and have practiced the courage to unearth the buried hurt and wounds of the past. Amazing! You are feeling what writing can set in motion. Give your letters to the fire shortly after writing them. Don’t let them sit in a drawer for months. Act while the energy is fresh and take advantage of the emotional move‐ ment you have created within yourself.

IF YOU ARE ORGANIZING an event with others, consider having paper and pens, and a time for friends to write or draw. When you are ready to initiate the fire ceremony, one by one release your letters to the fire. Feel free to speak or encourage others to speak in order to add potency to the event. Or utter any final words to yourself that mark the occasion.

SPEAK to yourself or out loud:

“I HEREBY END THE INFLUENCE YOU HAD OVER ME. I CUT THE TIES. THIS STORY IS FINISHED.”

Say anything else you are called to share. Giving voice to that which you feel is transmutation. Dr. Thompson, director of the Center for Neuroacoustic Research, says, “The healing power of sound] is akin to the picking of a lock on the neurophysiologic processes that the body already uses to heal itself.”2 All life is vibration. Sound is healing medicine and by speaking out loud, you are moving energy from within, out

17 SIERRA MELCHER into the world, freeing it from your cells where it has been festering. Remember, the fire ceremony is an invitation for change. Perhaps you will feel an instant release. More likely, it will mark the initiation of a slower energetic break-up. Either way, you are doing important work. In nature, nothing happens all of a sudden. Know that much is shifting below the surface. Have wild patience, my dear.

LASTLY, commemorate the moment. Share your experience, story and sensations. We’d love to see an image. Use #datey‐ ourselfbook to contribute to the inspirational conversation. When you are willing to share it gives permission to others to do the same. Lead the way! Or keep it to yourself, but make a note in your agenda. Mark it as an anniversary, honor the act of love and kindness you have created for yourself. Do not take this for granted, or overlook this moment. A month or a year from now, reflect on this day and see how much has shifted.

YOU HAVE MADE a considerable effort in transforming your external relationships. For this next step, we will repeat all the above, moving closer to the internal, the intimate and the subtle.

STEP 4: BREAKING UP WITH YOUR BEASTIES

Repeat the Dear John practice with yourself. Sometimes you have not been kind to yourself. You have tried tough-love, harsh criticism. There have been times

18 DATE YOURSELF where you have been a bad partner to yourself, through abuse or neglect, maybe even treating yourself worse than anyone else has ever treated you.

TAKE A BREATH AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE. We have all been cruel to ourselves at one point or another. It is time to learn a new way to be with ourselves. That is the core of dating yourself. It is a process that we will learn little by little. I designed this exercise for you to release and forgive, feel and let go of all the times you have been too hard, too rough, too cruel, insensitive, impatient, or inattentive with yourself.

Getting to know your Beasties Better We resist what makes us uncomfortable so that it will not overpower us. Maybe it is your fear, your anger, your judge‐ ment. Name your beasties, those formidable parts of yourself you wish would just go away. Open a dialogue with them. They are not going anywhere, nor is that our intention. On the contrary, let’s learn what messages they are trying to communicate and then put them in their rightful place.

1. Draw or describe your beasties.

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2. Animal, vegetable or mineral? Age, personality, gender? What name does this character embody? 3. What is the mood of the character? Is it an angry rhinoceros? Is it an old grandma in a rocking chair on the porch, shotgun in hand? Is it a stubborn grumpy four-year-old boy who has had his feelings hurt, arms folded across his chest with an immovable frown? 4. Ask what is pissing them off. Ask how they feel and see if you can understand. Don’t let them run the show, but see why they have been making such a fuss all this time. We try to ignore them, but they are trying to get our attention and tell us something. 5. What lessons do your beasties have to teach you?

Imagine you are on a road trip called life. You are trav‐ eling in a vehicle, yourself. All the aspects of yourself are along for the ride. No matter how badly you might want to ditch one or two on the side of the road and speed off, they are all along for the ride, forever. Rather than abandoning some element of yourself, place these critters in the back seat, let them come along for the ride, but no more driving the car. With your authoritative voice, tell your nasty voice, your destructive self, to take a back seat. Put it in the peanut gallery. Once the voice is in its proper place, it loses much of its power. Additionally, once it is properly seen and heard, the ferocity with which it has been trying to get your atten‐ tion is calmed. Visit my blog for a guided video practice (18min) where I walk you through this process, step-by-step.3

WRITE A LETTER TO YOURSELF.

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Break up with this behavior. Name it to tame it. Call it out and let it go. Your beasties are how I refer to your shadow self: the judgmental, critical, impossible to please voice in your head. They are fueled by fear, shame and doubt. Your beasties block you from tender intimacy with yourself and anyone else. The instinct here is to gouge these parts out -- reject them, hate them-- but that is the exact attitude that fuels them. You do not need to kill off any part of yourself, just shift the relationship. The letter to yourself is essential to transform your primary relationship, shifting how you interact with yourself. In her book, A Return to Love, Marianne Williamson writes,

“In order to love purely, we must surrender our old ways of thinking. For most of us, surrendering anything is difficult. We still think of surrender as a failure, as something you do when you have lost the war. But spiritual surrender, although passive, is not weak. Actually, it is strong.”

In this moment, releasing your old ways is the fiercest and strongest act you can make.

THIS SURRENDER MAY BE MORE challenging or uncomfortable than your other Dear John letters. Since we are less familiar with observing our relationship with ourselves, where we block ourselves and have inflicted harm may also be harder to discover. The categories of questions included here are designed to illuminate how and where you might have sabo‐ taged yourself. Some insights will be obvious. Others will be lurking in the shadows. This exercise will bring previously

21 SIERRA MELCHER unseen beliefs into the light. With each letter, we are discov‐ ering and reaffirming our boundaries. How do you no longer want to be treated by anyone, including yourself?

1. Create a sacred time & space. Candles, libation, essential oils, water, music. Turn off your phone. Prevent interruptions. 2. Have paper and pens on hand that make you happy. 3. Reflect on your body: Start with the tangible. List the times you have injured yourself, neglected your body or caused yourself physical harm. Examples: Sleep deprivation, poor diet, drug or alcohol overuse, compulsive exercise or lack of exercise, unhealthy sexual encounters, eating disorders, self-harm. 4. Consider your worth: Get into the more subtle. List the things you say to yourself about your worth. Think about work, appearance, intellect, lovability, etc. Examples: “I should have done better.” “I’ll never be good enough.” “I can’t believe I made that mistake. What an idiot!” “No one will ever love me. I can’t blame them. Why would they?” For each statement condemning your worth, rewrite a statement affirming your inherent value, crafting a personal mantra. For example, “I’ll never be good enough.” becomes “I am worthy, just as I am.” Even if you don’t believe it right away, know that you can replace this statement every time you hear the unworthiness thought in your head. These mantras will reaffirm your worth and rewire your brain. 5. Spend a moment thinking about betrayal: List ways you have betrayed yourself: ignored an instinct, silenced your inner voice, done something

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for others knowing that it was not good for you. A) What choices or actions have you made to please or satisfy others over yourself? B)When have you not spoken your true feeling or desire? When have you remained silent? Say what you need to say. 6. Take responsibility: Where did you let things happen? Take responsibility for what was yours. 7. Befriend your beasties. Transform the hateful parts of yourself. Thank them for trying to keep you safe. Write your letter. Close the chapter.

Unlike an ex-lover or anyone else who has ever hurt you, you cannot ever be fully rid of yourself. You can’t limit contact and hope you’ll never run into each other on the street or social media. You are you. You are with you, and we agreed there will be no self-slaying here.

Note: If your negative self-talk turns into thoughts of self-harm, it's time to get help! In my resource section, I've included the contact information for the suicide prevention lifeline.4 There are people available to talk to you and provide support services.

IF it still feels early to throw around terms like self-love or even self-like, that doesn’t have to be the goal. These prac‐ tices are making subtle energetic shifts to radically transform what may have been a very toxic painful primary relationship. How do we step forward into a different relationship with ourselves, after living as an unkind partner for so long? Energetic ties within ourselves cannot be fully cut, because you will always have a relationship with yourself. However, there is a framing practice that can help!

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• • •

REPEAT the fire ceremony with the letter you’ve written to yourself. Let go of the toxic nonsense you have been feeding your mind over the years. Release the judgy, overcritical, never-good-enough self-talk you have been steeped in. Forgive all the hurt you’ve inflicted, all the mistakes and the betrayal. Accept your inner beasties and invite them to ride with you, but no longer give them center stage. To let go of and accept your beasties at the same time is an act of reconciliation. There is an ancient Hawaiian practice of forgiveness, Ho’oponopono, in which the simple yet profound statement, “I’m sorry. Forgive me. Thank you. I love you.” is repeated. This practice works for forgiving ourselves, as well as for forgiving others. By attuning to the essence of each of the four simple phrases, you can clear the past and set things right within yourself. It is a way to honor your feel‐ ings by being fully present and sincere with yourself. Release all of it to the fire and repeat the mantra as many times as you like:

I’M SORRY. FORGIVE ME. THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU.

Make a note of this day in your calendar and honor this day as an anniversary. How do you imagine you will feel in a month? In six months? To continue the process, we will fuse the external and internal. The next step is creating a fresh start. Cultivating an intentional space to create something new.

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STEP 5: CREATE A SPACE FOR THE LOVING PARTNER

When relationships end there is, inevitably, emotional and physical clutter. Part of breaking up is dealing with the “stuff” that’s left behind. Nothing new can come into exis‐ tence if there is no space. So, create space! This is both literal and figurative. Secure time for this. Leave it empty and open for new possibilities. When your house and your schedule are jam packed, there is no room left for anything else. No room for spontaneity or synchronicity. Emptiness fosters potential for creation, for magic. Declutter Stuff. Start with the physical & observable.

Do you have any old mementos, reminders, random things, valuables (for sentimental or other reasons) that belonged to former partners? Do you have a pair of pants you bought to motivate you to lose weight that still don’t fit? Or a pair that used to fit that you are hanging on to, just in case? Do you own stuff that drags you down that you haul from home to home? Or stuff tucked into the back of the closet that you will likely never use again?

Return it, throw it away, donate it, re-gift it… but get it the hell out of your space! Marie Kondo is famous for this technique. Read any of her books or check out “Tidying Up” now on Netflix. Her basic advice is to keep only what brings you joy.

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Get rid of everything that does not bring you joy, doesn’t serve a purpose or have a proper place. Similarly, the resources on Project 333, the minimalist fashion chal‐ lenge that invites you to dress with 33 items or less for 3 months has specific advice about how to minimize your wardrobe as a way of revolutionizing and reinvigorating your life. I have practiced both and appreciate the wisdom of simplicity.

RECENTLY, a friend came to me for advice in the midst of cleaning out her parent’s house after her father passed away. She is a master of letting go. I reminded her that letting go can be as much of a compulsion as hoarding. The goal here is not to get rid of everything. It is not a competition. Finding the balance between letting go that which doesn’t serve us and holding on to what is meaningful to us requires energy and a certain amount of sensitivity. Be patient and gentle with yourself in this process. Practice feeling with your whole being, your mind, your body, your heart. Eval‐ uate each item and decide what you want to bring with you as you move forward.

THERE ARE many ways to make room for a loving partner. Clear a shelf or a drawer. Set an extra plate at the table. Try sleeping on just one side of the bed for a few nights, leaving it empty and open for possibility. For the time being, you are that person, you are your own caring partner.

DECLUTTER EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE Physical stuff is often easier to identify and clear. Now,

26 DATE YOURSELF you are ready to dive into the metaphysical clearing! Do you have room in your closet for your own emotional baggage? Have you made room in your life, in your psyche, for all of who you truly are? Or are you trying to hide, leave out, neglect, or surgically remove some aspect of who you are or who you have been? Take a moment to journal about your emotional baggage. Free-write, draw, bullet point, whatever — but feel into the depths of these questions.

What would it feel like to have loving, spacious room for you, exactly as you are? EXACTLY AS YOU ARE! Not a little bit richer or fitter. Do you tell yourself you will be acceptable when___ (fill in the blank)? Is there a story where your fragility, creativity, passion, quirkiness, etc. is undesirable?

HOPEFULLY, your Dear John Letters helped clear some emotional clutter, but go back and see what emotional baggage you are still holding on to and chuck it out. In upcoming chapters, we will continue to explore ways to let go of these illusions through revising the stories we tell ourselves.

As long as I have something going on in my mind the Light can’t come through. The Light can only come in when the mind is cleared–in a state of silence. – Dr. Hew Len, Shamanic Wisdomkeepers

27 SIERRA MELCHER

Schedule Unscheduled Time Clear a day, an afternoon, an hour on your calendar. We are not going to immediately fill this time. Remember that we need to leave space open so that there is room in our life for possibilities. When that moment arrives, feel into it. Let the moment guide you. You can do something. Or nothing. But let it be whatever it needs to be. When I clear time in my schedule, I often fall into the trap of using that “free time” to work more. That is not what the time was created for and it is not spontaneous, loving or creative. What can you do that brings you joy? Consider doing something out-of-the-ordinary that makes this time special and sets it apart from activities throughout the rest of your week. Do this now. Carve out a time and leave it open. Schedule unscheduled time in your day. Once your special time arrives, decide in the moment how you want to spend it...and make it different! Check out Chapters 3 and 8 for instructions on how to make a calendar for your "time for possibilities"!

STEP 6: MAKE A SHRINE.

The final step in this chapter is intended to pave the way for a fresh, positive future. A shrine can be any special space, as large or as small as you like. You can dedicate a shelf, table or window sill. If you want to go micro, you can transform an Altoids tin into a transportable mini-shrine. You can make it in a shoe box or

28 DATE YOURSELF you can remodel a shed in the backyard. Size will not matter, as you will see. The intention you put into its creation and the attention you give to it daily, your “shrine time”, will determine its influence and effectiveness. If you are thinking about skipping this step, please do not. If it feels unnecessary or silly, notice the discomfort or resis‐ tance, but promise yourself you will do it anyway! A shrine is an important crossover from the external physical to the subtle, internal energetic space. If you have never made an altar or shrine, here are some ideas to play with. Each shrine will be as unique as the person who creates it. I won’t tell you exactly what to put there, but I challenge you to incorporate at least five of the elements listed below.

MAKE IT YOUR OWN, by including:

Beautiful fabric Things you love and treasure: Something found or inherited Maybe some special jewelry, a ring Images of places you love or that inspire you An Image of YOU: A special photo or drawing of you that captures who you are Words: Quotes or poems that move and inspire you The elements: Fire, water, earth, air, ether Consider using the following: Candles Little bowl of soil or water Rocks, gemstones or shells Plant life: flowers or leaves

29 SIERRA MELCHER

Bird feathers Scent: Burn the same incense or wear/diffuse the same essential oil during each of your dedicated shrine time sessions. *See the Essential Oils reference in Resources for ideas Sound: Bells, gongs, drums, rattles

Include anything that comes to mind. If you treasure a certain book or random kitsch, let it find a home here. Visit your shrine and see how it feels.

CONNECT WITH THE COMMUNITY: Tag your shrine once you feel it’s dazzling, full and ready to share in our community. Use #dateyourselfbook. We'd love to see it blossom! Inspire others to construct a physical representation of that which is intimately important to them.

MICRO-SHIFTS: INTENTION AND ATTENTION

What is the smallest gesture (or micro-shift) you can make for yourself today? I ask “the smallest” because we often think we need to master this process all at once. Nothing in the natural world occurs all at once; it takes time. You don’t plant a Sequoia seed and expect a forest to burst out of the ground, right? If you try too hard at the beginning, you are more likely to burn out and feel disappointed. That is not going to happen...not on my watch, at least! So, take it slow. Assembling a shrine helps bring into focus what is impor‐ tant to you, and it will require regular visits in order to fully serve its purpose. Imagine building a church that no one ever went inside. The shrine serves as a physical manifestation and reminder of your intention: to cultivate a relationship of

30 DATE YOURSELF curiosity and kindness within yourself. Think of it as the Vision Board of your soul.

#SHRINETIME Take a moment daily to light the candle, rub on some essential oil that smells divine or supports you. Reread the quotes that inspire you, gaze at the places that bring you joy; hold the shell or stone in your hands to feel the texture, the age, the energy of that object. Allow the shrine to be your access point to reconnect with yourself in as many ways as possible. Set a daily intention in this moment and plant a seed within to devote attention to what you value. Activate your senses: touch, sight, sound, smell, taste (add a delicious treat). You can even visit your shrine while you sip your morning tea or coffee.

YOU DON’T NEED a 30-minute daily meditation practice if you don’t already have one. You don’t have to create a lot of extra time in your day. You can spend 3-minutes with your shrine while you brush your teeth. But it needs regular atten‐ tion, especially in the beginning, as you are exploring this new territory. (If your mini-shrine is in your bag, make sure to open it, rub it between your fingers while you ride the bus, hold it regularly. Don’t just dump it in your purse or allow it to rattle around with the cluttered collection of old receipts, extra pens and a few loose coins. Your shrine is special and sacred. Put it in a designated pocket or it loses its value.)

HOPEFULLY, this chapter has presented you with useful tools and challenged you in many ways. Pause and reflect on

31 SIERRA MELCHER where you have struggled and where you have triumphed. Take a few deep breaths. Recognize that you are already practicing a deep love. The seeds you are planting will bloom and nourish you. You are now on the path of becoming the most important person in your life; you are in the process of becoming your own ideal partner.

32 BECOMING YOUR IDEAL PARTNER

CHAPTER 3

Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.” -Marilyn Monroe

eautiful, you have made the leap. The next thirty days are bound to bring you a lot of insight, along Bwith some ups and downs. In the beginning, you will likely be full of energy. Isn’t it fun and exciting to start something new?

BREAK-DOWN-THROUGH

When I was attending college in Vermont, I had a magnet quoting Ben & Jerry’s Ice cream founders, “If it is not fun, why do it?” This is silly, but I see it being practiced every‐ where I look. If you are struggling in your work, you are told to look for a different job. If you are encountering trouble in a relationship, you might break-up, or at least consider doing

33 SIERRA MELCHER so. If you are uncomfortable, then the advice that follows seems to be that you should change what you are doing. I lived much of my life informed by this philosophy. I avoided discomfort and thought myself wise. However, DISCOMFORT IS A PREREQUISITE FOR GROWTH. On the other side of discomfort is a breakthrough. Think of every breakthrough you have ever had. How did you get there? Was it easy sailing, or a total shit fight? For so long, I had been unwittingly fleeing from the conditions required to progress. I avoided discomfort and numbed potential break‐ downs, delaying and moving further away from the break‐ through. If you are feeling discomfort, you are on the right track. Remember this as you move forward this month. Embrace the hard bits as mile markers along the road. Some questions will be more uncomfortable than others. Go at your own pace. The order is up to you, but each activity is of value. Don’t skip anything, especially if it makes you feel awkward.

BY THE END of this chapter, you will have gained clarity on what you seek from a romantic partner, starting with an external vision and then embodying this vision within your‐ self to become your own ideal partner. Throughout the chap‐ ter, you will feel the excitement building about the process of creating a loving partnership with yourself and learn an unexpected twist about the best way to make meaningful change!

34 DATE YOURSELF

PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP

The first relationship that deserves your attention is the one you have with yourself. In my work with private clients and groups, I call this your primary relationship. We are used to associating that title with another person, even though the voice you hear most often is your own. If that voice is loving, with boundaries and wisdom, then cool! (Have you ever met anyone whose inner voices are all constantly wise and respectful? Me neither.) If, like most of us, your internal voice is occasionally judgmental, cruel, petty, and abusive, well then, dang, darling! You are perpetually stuck in a nasty relationship. In my work, what I notice most is that every one of my clients needs to enhance her primary relationship. How we feel about ourselves is connected to all aspects of our lives. The practice of dating yourself is designed to turn your attentive eye inward. Regardless of your romantic relationship status and all your other roles, your primary relationship is paramount. You may have a cute “someone” to tell you that you are lovely, that you are brave, but if your primary relationship is the pits, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or says. If you are not happy in your own skin, you will berate or belittle yourself, no matter how much anyone else digs you. And you will suffer. Good news, though! If you have a bitter primary relation‐ ship, you are not stuck with it. You are sitting in the driver’s seat, you are in control! In fact, you are the only person who can change a poor primary relationship into a stellar one. That is what dating yourself is all about. And that’s exciting!

• • •

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WHEN WE ARE NOT CONNECTED in a meaningful way to ourselves, either or both of the following may happen:

1. You don’t fully open up, and the part of you that most needs connection retreats a little further. 2. You miss the red flags in poor external relationships because you want something so bad. You are inclined to overlook, or turn a blind eye from the outset. You stay too long in a relationship that will never be good for you. “Too long” can be a week, a month, a day, or years.

Thankfully, if you choose to, you can change... which is exactly why you’ve picked up this handy book.

IN ORDER TO DATE YOURSELF, you need to determine what you need, want, and desire. We each have longings, whether they are rooted in biology or social constructions. The longing to be loved, accepted, held, and safe are undeniable. We each desire true belonging and we all have done some crazy, hope‐ less stuff to secure external approval. Let’s unpack what is driving this behavior. I use the external lens and metaphor, especially in the beginning of this practice, so don’t let that trip you up. We are much more familiar with romantic love in terms of part‐ nership with an “other”, so let’s start there. We know this concept well and it’s a language we understand. But you are your ideal partner, so hold that end goal in your mind and heart.

THIS SECTION IS about getting clarity on what you long for. Identify what Clarissa Pinkola Estés calls your hambre del

36 DATE YOURSELF alma, or your soul’s hunger, so that you can feed it, rather than be eaten from the inside. Or continually starve hoping to be fed by someone else. You’ll learn to plant a garden instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers. From there, you’ll cultivate your garden to feed yourself, and share the harvest with others.

IDEAL PARTNER: PART 1 (INTERNAL)

Take the time to clarify, as best you can, what it is you are needing, desiring and craving. These words are often used interchangeably, but each is subtly different.

LIGHT A CANDLE. Make the practice important by making it sacred. I use Frankincense essential oil to connect with my deepest voice and bring myself back into my body.

JOURNALING: Needs, Desires and Cravings 1. Need What you need is vital. It is not a whim or a brief fancy. Need is a deep obligation to your survival, be it physical, emotional, financial, spiritual, or intellectual. It is valid! You must know what you need. Once you do, your needs must be honored. Never neglect or silence your needs by calling them petty or silly. Without them we cannot survive or thrive.

What do you need? Take some time to journal on this essential question. Write for at least 3 minutes, or riff as long as you want. Write whatever comes to you. Lists or sketches work too.

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2. Desire Desire can be a tricky one. I first learned desire, like lust, to be shameful, so I rejected that which I desired. But desire is just wanting joy or pleasure, a natural and healthy human feeling. Let this be your reawakening. Know that by better acquainting yourself with your desires, you can guide your choices and actions to be in alignment with what is best for you. Imagine getting what you desire. We will spend consid‐ erable time on desire and dreaming later on, in Chapters 7 and 9, but for now, desire is a muscle I will encourage you to flex.

What do you desire? Pause, and feel into this distinction. Invite desire back into your life and give it some space on your page right now. Write all that comes to mind, without editing because something seems too embarrassing, improbable, etc. You have the freedom to include whatever comes to you while you are journaling. Allow yourself to name it.

3. Craving Craving is deeper than desire. We all crave something. This is what you have been starved of in the past, or throughout your entire life. Maybe you didn’t feel you got enough from a previous relationship or while growing up. What have you have never given yourself permission to ask for or receive due to shame, guilt, fear, unworthiness? Craving can be buried, but it never goes away. And like a hungry animal, when it gets a whiff of what it wants, it can be ravenous, insatiable, and lead you to all sorts of detrimental places. Therefore, knowing our deepest cravings is essential in order to avoid unwanted behavior. If we meet and feed the

38 DATE YOURSELF starved creature, then she is tamed. She will be nourished. She will know her limits and what is good for her. She will be your best defense.

What are you craving? What is your soul hungry for? In some cases, you might have rejected or separated from this so long ago. Journal on these questions and discover what requires your attention.

Take a deep breath and allow yourself to feel all this. Take in all your journaling. See if there are themes or patterns showing up.

How can this inform your understanding of your own ideal partner? How might you honor and protect this from within?

IDEAL PARTNER: PART 2 (EXTERNAL)

Journal: Imagine for a moment that you are in a healthy, support‐ ive, loving union with another person. Brainstorm all that comes to mind regarding that ideal partner.

What does your soul crave? Describe him/her. How do you feel in this relationship? Describe a person you could love wildly. Be as specific as imaginable. It will serve you later. Then,

39 SIERRA MELCHER

only when you have first written your heart out, use the questions below to guide you. How do you want to feel in a relationship with a trusted partner? For example: “I want to feel seen and appreciated just as I am.” How do you know when you are cared for/nurtured? For example: “When my partner kisses my stretch marks.” How do you want to be challenged? What do you need to be nudged towards? For example: “I need to be challenged to have difficult conversations, in an environment that feels safe.” How does this person see you? For example: “In his/her eyes, I am majestic, hilarious and gorgeously flawed. S/he sees me for who I am, who I could be and won’t let me veer away from my dreams.” What does security feel like to you? What do you need protecting from? For example: “More than the security of having a house, feeling at home within myself is the ultimate desire.”

Note: If you are currently in a relationship, or even interested in someone, notice that your tendency is likely to craft this vision around their form. You don’t have to completely eradicate them, but take notice.

YOU HAVE OUTLINED a person you could love. Maybe your ideal partner whispers praise in your ear each morning. Do they support your dreams and/or help maintain the home? Maybe they remind you of all the things they adore about you. Do they bring you little gifts? Or support you when you are struggling by challenging you to keep trying? You have sketched out who you want to be and how you want to feel

40 DATE YOURSELF with this person. Drink it in. Let this vision become more and more real with every breath. Next, we will get to know this character.

IDEAL PARTNER: PART 3 (BECOMING THIS FOR YOURSELF)

“It is your job to make yourself whole, not perfect, but whole... We need to first and foremost honor the sacred time of saving ourselves. That is where our greatest power lies.” -Oprah Winfrey speaking at Women in the World Summit 2019

NOW THAT YOU know what you want internally and exter‐ nally, it is time to become all of the above for yourself first. In this final section of understanding your ideal partner, you will find several exercises to both better acquaint you with who but also how to be your own ideal partner. This is a crit‐ ical step in dating yourself. It is ok if it feels consuming or awkward at the beginning. Be patient with yourself and have a little fun. Play into each of the possibilities below.

BUILDING AN ALTER EGO

You already have a relationship with yourself. Chances are it has not been the absolute best. If you are not sure what kind of relationship you have with yourself, it is safe to say your attention to yourself has been neglected, even after breaking up with the beasties in Chapter 1. In romantic relationships, we are aware that the bond is

41 SIERRA MELCHER fragile. There is a possibility of breaking up. Too many of us don’t even acknowledge that we have a relationship with ourselves, maybe because there is no threat of an end. With no end in sight, you can feel, at times, stuck with yourself. Therefore, you get away with crap no other person would tolerate. You endure more mistreatment from yourself than anyone else. But this relationship is fragile and imperative. You can choose to be different. Begin to notice. From here on out, you are both you AND your alter ego. What we are developing is an expanded awareness of and intentionality about how you interact with yourself.

1. Let’s give this character an actual name. Get a sense of them. The embodiment of what you are looking for in another: 2. “My wild man”. “The Rock”. “My mythic love”. Whatever strikes you. Be creative. For example, Lily is a friend with an amazing alter ego. She has a clear sense of this character. Her alter ego is named Jim Bills and he does all sorts of things that Lily wouldn’t normally do, but he’s always got her back. Figure out who your character is! Allow for this persona to be someone you can rely on, even if you roll your eyes at them sometimes, too. 3. Now, let’s flip it. How can you cultivate that for yourself? How can you integrate that character? Read back over your description. Underline each of the things you can do/be for yourself. I’ll show you how to turn some of these things on their head in later chapters. 4. Start being the person you want to be in a relationship with and treat yourself that way. What is one thing you can do for yourself today? A kind word, a treat, a generous act?

42 DATE YOURSELF

Clarissa Pinkola Estés Ph.D. reminds us that “it is deadly to be without a confidante, without a guide, without even a tiny cheering section.” What we are growing is a strong, kind, passionate, dedicated part of yourself to rise, as you delve into this new practice. Let your alter-ego hold that role for a while. Dating yourself requires this supportive container. In that space you have cleared in earlier rituals and exercises laid out for you in this book, invite this character to begin to appear and communicate with you. This might sound like a leap now. This is probably not how you relate to yourself on a daily basis. But it could be. Maybe you feel like there is already a lot going on inside your head. You’re not sure if there is room for an alter ego, for an inner partner. You feel like you are already taking care of everyone and exhausted trying to control the outcome of the world, or at least your little foothold in it. All of this is energy spent managing the external. We will nudge your focus in a new direction and make some room for you in the internal. The world will not collapse without you micromanaging it. I promise.

INVITE CURIOSITY

When we start to date others, we are excited by the fact that we don’t know them yet! Clarissa Pinkola Estés Ph.D. says that this phase is like “accidentally finding treasure...Discov‐ ering another person as a kind of spiritual treasure, even though [you] may not at first realize what [you’ve] found.” We've been living with ourselves for so long, we've gotten used to how interesting we are. I challenge you to turn that curious eye inward and stumble upon your inner treasure. To date yourself, you can’t just jump to marriage and a lifetime of self-love. That would be a huge leap. Maybe even a lifelong journey. First, we must learn to be curious. Ask,

43 SIERRA MELCHER

“Who is that person? What are they like?” Develop an inquis‐ itive spirit about yourself. Seek the treasure! You’d never make an effort to go out with someone you don’t know or like. Your mission over the next 30 days, if you accept the challenge, is to get curious about yourself.

ASK QUESTIONS. Look into the shadows you have neglected, and into the abandoned corners of your soul. As you look at yourself in the mirror, catch that little sly look you make. Or the totally cute thing you do, just before you laugh. Let your inner partner see you and show you what it feels like to be fascinated with the possibility of you.

SPIRITUAL TREASURE HUNT

Step One: Seek out all the cool things you have done, places you have visited, great friends you have made. Write a list, gather a full inventory of all the funny, quirky, intriguing, inter‐ esting and wild aspects of you! You can think of accomplish‐ ments and external prizes, but also attune your search to the internal and subtle. Have you learned to ferment kimchi or how to leapfrog a fire hydrant? You are full of gems. You just have to find them. If you get stumped, ask a friend. They will

44 DATE YOURSELF always see you clearer than you see yourself. Let this activity improve your vision to 20/20.

STEP TWO: Scan the web, scroll through your phone, and give your‐ self the amount of attention you’d give to someone of interest that you were virtually stalking (we’ve all done it.) You are your type! We are attracted to values and qualities in others that are most true for ourselves. The things we admire, the things that excite us, the things we aspire to in others, are our truest and deepest expression of ourselves. We are often so hard on ourselves. We can’t see the forest for the trees. Channel that passionate curiosity towards a new subject: YOU. Dig deep to find the treasure buried in plain sight. Let your inner partner get to know you. You’re someone who has already had their interest piqued and they want to know more. See with fresh eyes the majesty that is you.

YOUR AWESOMENESS COLLAGE

Screenshot, print or make an album that captures your awesome essence. Look at it regularly. Put some images on your shrine. Make an expanding collage of your utter and epic coolness. This is not self-indulgent or selfish. You are crush-worthy! As you examine yourself, be gentle. Seek support from friends and those who love you. This exploration is best done in company, because others often see us more clearly than we see ourselves. There is not a single task or tool in this book designed with the intention of improving or even changing you in the slightest. I am not going to make you better. You

45 SIERRA MELCHER are not going to make you better. You don’t need improve‐ ment, just a miraculous shift in perception. If anything, this challenge can allow you to simply examine yourself closely. See what others can see and become aware of how you operate unconsciously. Imagine receiving a compliment and simply saying, “Thank you,” instead of “Oh, it was nothing.'' Bring light to your blind spots. Celebrate what you have rejected, so you can honestly say, “Yeah, she’s pretty cool, I want to hang out with her.” You have had a front row seat to your entire life. From there the show may look boring after all these years. But your life is a masterpiece. The following story is of a woman who has been getting to know herself. Emma is a perpetual entrepreneur. She created a job description at her dream firm and was hired. She was an avid scuba diver. Her passion for the ocean led her into a new field. When we met, I thought of her as an Ocean Warrior. For nearly a decade she traveled the world, consulted and advised nations and large industries about how to improve their fishing and ocean management prac‐ tices. Now, she is branching out to pursue another personal passion project that pushes the boundaries of how we live in the modern age.

HERE IS a bit of Emma’s story:

I was raised in a family with traditional values. I internalized those values and felt incomplete without a partner. Over the past 10 years, I've been in and out of the world of dating, lovers, and relationships. While traveling nonstop, it was always very challenging to have something true and real.

46 DATE YOURSELF

I tell myself that I am not going to get attached...and then I get attached. I am always keen for a good romance. But I kept getting my heart broken. I'm not really built for casual. Two years ago, I declared that I wouldn't do casual anymore.

I stopped feeling bad about dating myself, just being on my own without that sense of "man, I wish somebody else was here with me." I have found that I value myself so much more than I ever did before. The alternative of being on my own is no longer scary. I would be out having dinner or reading, going to an exhibit, or going into the Amazon. The percentage of time that I wished somebody else was there plummeted. It just put my heart more at ease. I stopped focusing on having somebody else there with me. I got really comfortable with it and have led an amazing life because of it. I've had experiences that many people only dream about. I've experienced so much of the world; I am forever grateful for those opportunities.

I am now constantly getting intimate with myself and I've never felt better. I finally have a space for that. As far as my future, I am trusting. Whether marriage and kids are part of my story or not, my heart is calm in that respect (and secretly, I feel happier). I'm more at peace and more joyful when I’m on my own.

The beauty of hindsight is that only now can I see how much emphasis I put on finding somebody else to date. I have spent an embarrassingly large part of my 37 years focusing on boys: focusing on

47 SIERRA MELCHER

getting a boyfriend, crushing on boys, getting over boys. It has distracted me so often. I sometimes wonder if I wasn't so distracted by boys what I may have been able to accomplish. That makes me sad for society because so much of what we're taught as girls is to be distracted by boys.

What parts of Emma’s story do you identify with? The process of establishing comfort with one’s self and the capacity to enjoy life for what it is, comes with time, but it can also be supported by committing to these practices.

JOURNAL Take a moment to journal before the next chapter.

Are you getting the hang of creating an inner persona? Building out the inner paradigm, decorating that inner palace? Who is occupying this space with you? Who do you need… and want? How can you rise to the occasion and become the person you want to be with?

IN THE NEXT chapter you will map out a 30-day adventure with yourself. In each sequential chapter there you will explore more tools and practices to flesh out this intimate relationship you are developing.

48 FLIRTING TO DATING

CHAPTER 4

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection” -Sharon Salzberg

0-day Date Yourself Commitment. 3 Let’s take a moment to look at logistics and build a structure to hold this container as we create and explore the less tangible aspects of our inner relationship. Get your calendar ready. (Calendar pages prepared for you in the Journal Download)1 By the end of this chapter, you will have sketched out your next thirty days and have an idea of what is to come. This structure provides a little safety and clarity as you courageously venture into uncharted territory. Safety is essential in order for you to be willing to take risks. You can always keep the shore line in view, knowing that you can return to land anytime the seas get too rough.

• • •

49 SIERRA MELCHER

TWO WOMEN REPORT their success and motivation from the outset to inspire you. Karolina had always been in relationships, but never satisfied... something always felt “off”.

“Two years ago I said to myself, ‘stop repeating something that drives you crazy. Stop focusing on the expectations of others and start fulfilling your own!’ I'll never forget the first time I went to the cinema alone, without considering if my date would like the movie. It was definitely my best cinema date! Then solo-travel completely changed my mind and how I see the world. Dating myself brought pure happiness. Happiness is something that everybody can see; it works like a magnet, so I’ve never felt alone.”

Nikki, age 25, says,

“I’m just learning that I need to be in love with myself before I let someone else love me. I’m still working on my confidence, which can’t be changed overnight.”

You will build a schedule in this chapter that guarantees you the time to build your confidence little by little, like Nikki.

NOT SINCE MY GRANDPARENTS’ time have people gone on dates as a way of getting to know each other. These events were highly structured and chaperoned. Can you even imagine what that was like? Dating has radically shifted since then, remarkably so since the rise of (and subsequent depen‐

50 DATE YOURSELF dence on) dating apps. Now, there is a lot of flirting, lead up, and pre-dating. Many relationships are established without ever going out on an official date. Sex first, emotional inti‐ macy after, if ever. This month, take things slow. Take a chance to get to know yourself like in an old-fashioned movie.

THERE ARE two reasons to set a 30-day time frame: it is both long enough to create a pattern and short enough to stay focused. Repetition rewires the neural network in your brain and you can change your physiology by changing your thought patterns and behavior. We will concentrate here on repetition, micro-shifts, focused attention and dedication. I won’t ask you to do too much, too fast. This calendar will be planned with bench‐ marks and points of celebration along the way. Chart out the month and plan according to a few points, then read through the remaining chapters in this book that will support each phase. Remember, this life is full of oppor‐ tunities to invest in your relationship with yourself. At the end of thirty days, you will be equipped with more tools and have clarity to help you move forward and keep applying these practices. Like in the old days, we will start with flirting! You have already made great strides breaking up with the past, making space for something new and developing curiosity around yourself. You have already begun to dream up and gain clarity on your inner lover. The season is ripe for some rich and innocent flirting. All attraction is driven with a yearning for more. Allow that yearning to linger for a while and build intentional anticipation. You are worth waiting for. And you deserve to get excited about this prospect. Dating apps and texting have

51 SIERRA MELCHER taken the genuine excitement out of getting to know someone (a dick pic as an introduction is what I mean). That is neither vulnerability nor intimacy. Let us revive anticipa‐ tion, courtship, and romance.

WHAT TURNS YOU ON?

When you imagine being 'turned on', do your thoughts immediately jump to the bedroom? In this exercise, I chal‐ lenge you to come up with a list of non-bedroom-related things that stir you. We will get into sex and bodily pleasure in due time, I promise. For now, expand your definition of turn on and seek what makes your soul dance. What makes you feel like a kid again? Think of being turned on as being “tuned in”. The psychologist Mihály Csíkszentmihály termed the state of flow as being: “fully immersed in a feeling of ener‐ gized focus.” What is flow for you? Make a list of all the things that turn you on, intellectu‐ ally and emotionally. Be juicy and heartfelt. Uninhibited. Let it be the richest list. Let your list resuscitate you. Write your own Rosetta Stone. We will reference this list often. Let it be an expanding and ever-growing list.

MATERIALS:

Paper or your notebook Pens, markers or pencils that make you happy Ylang ylang scent, personally, gives me joy, and I’d recommend it if you are using essential oils as part of your practice. Burn a candle, sip something delicious. (By the time you are done with this book you will either have one hell of a caffeine buzz or an empty bottle

52 DATE YOURSELF

of wine.) That being said, you can do this at any speed or rhythm. If you are both feet in, all-at- once, cannonball kind of gal, that is cool, too. If you are reading this book with your friends, consider doing this together.

1. What stirs you? What turns you on? 2. What brings your personal frequency up? 3. When does time fly? What is flow for you? 4. What excites and inspires you? 5. What fills your belly with nervous butterflies? 6. What makes you smile to yourself? 7. What warms your heart, your mind, your body? 8. What refreshes and energizes you?

CONNECT WITH THE COMMUNITY: If you want, share your list use #dateyourselfbook #dateyourselffirst or to our Facebook community. Inspire others and lead the way. The Turns Me On list is a wealth of information for dating yourself. Add to this list as you go. Integrate more and more of the Turns Me On feelings, activities, smells, into your life. Tiny gesture by tiny gesture.

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Pluck a fresh flower from the neighbor’s hedge (they won’t notice, I swear). Tuck it behind your ear. Buy a single sunflower for your desk. Your list may encourage you to brew a perfect cup of tea and sit on the balcony for a few minutes. Whatever your particular list calls for, offer yourself these small gestures. Invite your alter ego to run with this gorgeous database of joys you have collected. What a secret weapon! The avatar of your dreams with a complete list of things that turns your soul on? Oh my, I can’t wait to see what you come up with. Add something from this list to your shrine. You don’t have to sweep yourself off your feet (but you could!). Remember micro-shifts.

SCHEDULE YOUR MONTH.

Channel your alter ego. Plan out this month to lavish and impress yourself. Use your inner knowledge about what you like and want. Then, allow your inner ideal partner to offer you exactly that. Here’s how your month could look like:

WEEK 1: Breaking Up (Chapter 2)

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Closing Cycles Write Dear John/Jane letters Cutting Ties Ceremony Fire Ceremony Break up with your past self Making Space Schedule the decluttering time and the empty time. Construct your shrine.

Week 2: Incite Curiosity (Chapter 3)

Build an “Alter Ego” Spiritual Treasure Hunt Awesomeness Collage

Week 3: Flirting and Courting (Chapters 4-7)

Arrange some sweet gestures for yourself this week Take yourself on some mini-dates Write yourself a love letter Use your Love Languages to inspire you

Week 4: The Big Date (Chapters 8 - 11)

Work your way up to a fun activity. When are you going to be ready to take yourself out to a public place? Then you are going on an “official date” After thirty days, Putting it all together (Chapter 10) Making a lasting commitment through a Soul Contract (Chapter 12)

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Making room for another. (Chapter 11 & Postscript)

There are a lot of things yet to learn and practice. Week by week, you can plan them into your calendar. For now, let’s create some mental space and prepare yourself for some things yet to come. Allow yourself to dream and stir some anticipation. Even allow yourself to feel a little nervous.

BY THE END of the month, check off each item to acknowl‐ edge your progress. Some of these won’t make sense yet, but they will as you go. Come back to this list at the end of each chapter and see your progress. We need the tangible measure of subtle transformation to celebrate and feel a sense of accomplishment.

DATE YOURSELF CHECK LIST

Break up- Dear John/Jane letters (Chapter 2) Cutting energetic ties Fire Ceremony Get to know your beasties Decluttering Make a shrine Meet my alter-ego (Chapter 3) Spiritual Treasure Hunt My Awesomeness Collage Turns Me On List (Chapter 4) Take myself on a few day dates My Mythic Life (Chapter 5) Put the nasty voice in the backseat (Chapter 6) Clarify Boundaries and Edges

56 DATE YOURSELF

Craft my definition of LOVE (Chapter 7) Write a love letter to myself. Go out on the fancy date. Dress up. In public. Get intimate with myself. (Chapter 8) Poetry of Acceptance Plan a dating month in alignment with my cycle. (Chapter 9) Putting it all together (Chapter 10) Yes, Thank you Dating myself in a relationship (Chapter 11) Commitment ceremony- soul contract (Chapter 12) Reup, recommit, stay on center. (Postscript)

ISOLATION VS. SOLITUDE

The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself. -Mark Twain

Dating yourself feels like a paradox! Let me make an important distinction from the outset. Isolation is a retreat from something. Solitude is return to something. In the beginning, practice cultivating sacred solitude. As you are flirting with yourself, celebrate the return to a loving rela‐ tionship, a friendly space within yourself. Many of the prac‐ tices are done alone or in intimate small groups. You are creating sacred space with and for yourself. That is powerful! Your solitude needs to travel with you, your sense of self and your confidence need to go wherever you go. By the end of the month, as we turn our focus inward, we will also take it out for a spin to integrate and apply what we are learning on the metaphysical plane and play it out on the physical plane

57 SIERRA MELCHER in the "real world". This is not a time to hide away from others. Rather, it is a time to fully be with yourself, and figure out who the hell that is. Please, don’t get lonely and isolated by numbing or hiding out. Cultivate solitude that enriches you.

PLAN A PUBLIC DATE WITH YOURSELF

We have spent all the previous pages and will devote most of your thirty days to returning you to your center, increasing your awareness of your inner primary relationship. Dating yourself is a practice which invites you to develop rich soli‐ tude, and to focus on the inner and private world. But it will not stop there. In the last few chapters and near the end of the month, we will re-introduce you to the world. The ulti‐ mate goal is that you can date yourself anytime, anywhere and even bring the values and practices into a relationship with a romantic partner, if that is one of your desires. Plan‐ ning a public date is an essential step; you are making a public declaration of your self-acceptance with your action. For some this will feel like a real big step. Schedule it, as a way of holding yourself to this promise.

TAKE out your calendar and make time for yourself over the next few weeks. Start somewhere that feels good. And play with it. Notice your sensations and even take a few notes about what this feels like to both plan a public date on your own and what it feels like in the moment. If you know what you want to do, commit to it. If not, consider suggestions from the list below.

Take yourself to the park. Go on a challenging hike.

58 DATE YOURSELF

Take yourself out to lunch. Take yourself to the movies. Wander around a museum. Do something that is fun for you!

Get used to doing fun activities in public on your own. You can interact with others if you’d like, but the real purpose is to witness yourself. Observe your thoughts and sensations, without attachment to the feelings that arise, as if you are watching someone else - this is known as witness consciousness. If you feel discomfort, recognize that it’s healthy for expanding your comfort zone. Don’t push too far or too fast. Just observe and see how it feels.

THE REAL DEAL DATING YOURSELF:

Look at your calendar. Plan for week 4 to be all in. Schedule at least one of the following:

Take yourself out to a nice restaurant for dinner. Dress up. “Table for one, please!” or cook an incredible meal at home. Plan a weekend solo trip to a place you’ve always wanted to go. Attend a social event (gallery opening, networking mingle) and meet new people. Let the intention be to enjoy time on your own. When you meet people, tell them “I’m on a date with myself tonight.”

SEX? YES, PLEASE. We will get there…you have been patient. Let’s continue to take things slow. Take the time to genuinely practice the steps.

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We are not having any meaningless one night stands with ourselves. We are in this for the long haul and want to be intentional about each choice. Consider what would a femme fatale heroine in the old movies do. How can you be your own enchantress, courtesan and seductress?

YOU HAVE MADE A PLAN. Each of the following chapters will illuminate components of the delicious state of being human that will support your process. Reference your calendar and assess what you have accomplished and what is yet to come. Keep looking forward to some of the fun and big things. Celebrate the progress and growth you are making by checking off your list. Practice shrine time and add to your Turns Me On list as you can. In the next chapter, we will look at expectations and the stories we tell ourselves, to better understand how we are often our own worst enemy. In the meantime, take a deep breath and have fun with the tools you have uncovered today.

60 IDENTITY AND THE STORIES WE TELL

CHAPTER 5

Your beliefs become your thoughts, Your thoughts become your words, Your words become your actions, Your actions become your habits, Your habits become your values, Your values become your destiny. -Zen Precept

ou meet someone. Before you know it, you have Y already filled in all the blanks. You have written the entire opus. Perhaps even mapped out an entire story. You have projected an image onto the interior of your heart, often without knowing anything about them. Have you noticed what a powerful creator you are? We are all storytellers. Story is an essential element of humans that distinguishes us from other animals. Stories warm our hearts. Stories nourish our souls. Our struggle begins when we believe our stories to be true, right after making them up. We must come to recognize our own story craft, so as not to get carried away by it.

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• • •

THIS CHAPTER AIMS to help you come to notice your story weaving capacity. Appreciate it. Your creative imagination is a vital strength. Then, learn to distinguish the stories you are making up to entertain you or nourish you. Be careful, my dear! Don’t count on them to play out as you have written them.

THE OTHER DAY, I was walking with a friend. A handsome man was walking towards us. There was an infinitesimal moment of eye contact as he walked close by on a narrow sidewalk. My friend glanced back at me with a knowing look. I smiled. We waited a few breaths until he was out of earshot. “He was cute!” she said. In that five second time span, I had played out the full courting, dating, marriage and break-up. We had two precious and wild kids in that instant; the break-up was really hard on them and on me. “It didn’t work out, but he was lovely,” I responded. My friend knew what I meant.

DO my stories inform my behavior and determine how I live my life? Absolutely. Therefore, the stories I tell are a crucial part of my identity and who I am in the world. Can I alter my life by witnessing the stories I tell, knowing they are just stories? Yes. This chapter charts the interplay between story and identity.

GET out of your own way and recognize where you once built a life from a figment of your imagination, and in so doing, became your worst enemy. This self-sabotaging

62 DATE YOURSELF behavior is only harmful until you are conscious of it. The stories you tell limit the possibilities you are willing to invest in and will turn your expectations into reality. We all either expect the best or the worst. Our expectations inform our decisions thereby crafting a life. By heightening your aware‐ ness of these patterns, you can set yourself free from the shadow side of your storytelling. The following exercises will strengthen your awareness of storytelling capacity. Come to see what beliefs you have and how they influence your behavior to be intentional and conscientious from here on out. Don’t let a story in your head prevent you from living your life to the fullest! Citronella or lemongrass are great oils for destroying illusions because the sharp aroma is thought to alleviate stress and pain. Try inhaling either oil during the journaling practice.

JOURNALING: Expectations: We all have expectations, whether they are intentional or not. Think back to three times when you had assumptions of someone in romance or work that didn’t play out as you had hoped.

1. Are you expecting things to be better when…? 2. Are you expecting people to let you down…?

Did the expectation support you or create an obstacle? Notice the nature and direction of your expectations. Do you habitually over anticipate, setting yourself up for disappoint‐ ment? OR under-anticipate, expecting the worst to protect yourself from future disappointment?

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THE STORIES WE TELL

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself. -Harvey Fierstein

WE ARE ALL EXCEPTIONALLY HUMAN, not the two-dimensional characters in films or the stories we weave in our heads. We are each complex little creatures with wonderful and wounded bits. Our wounds are badges proving we are still willing to feel. We all come with a backstory. We all come with baggage. When we are lucky to find a person who we like, a person whose personal baggage fits in our closet, then that is really something! Before we get there, let me ask this question: How does your “emotional baggage” story limit your own acceptance, appreciation and love for yourself? “I don’t like me, so I’m looking for someone who will,” or “I am going to make all sorts of efforts to change who I am to become lovable.” This behavior is an act of self-loathing. Self- improvement motivated by self-loathing will not help you. It will erode you.

LET’S create a story to make room in your closet for you, just as you are. You have been clearing space for this.

64 DATE YOURSELF

IDENTITY:

How we construct who we are How we introduce ourselves habitually reaffirms our identity. Even when the story we perpetuate is not accurate or supportive, we’d rather a familiar identity than a new unfamiliar story. We tell stories as a way of determining who we are and where we fit in the world. This is a necessary tool to help us as social creatures feel like we have a place, even if the story is, “I am that person who doesn’t have a place.” Our story, however detrimental, allows us to feel clear and stable.

HOW DO YOU INTRODUCE YOURSELF? This exercise will challenge you to examine your identity through the stories you repeatedly tell to others. You are going to say, “I don’t tell stories. I just am (this or that).” We shall see about that.

WHAT FIVE THINGS do you tell a new person about yourself upon meeting them?

1. ______2. ______3. ______4. ______5. ______

THAT IS YOUR STORY. Each of us has many plot lines we reinforce and reenact. Let me guess. You shared where you are from, what you studied, what you do for money, maybe a hobby, maybe your

65 SIERRA MELCHER relationship status (girlfriend or wife), maybe your family roles (sister or mother). Your stories and identity affirms where you fit in society. We want people to see a certain version of who we are.

DID you share your biggest fear about yourself, your perceived weaknesses? Did you share your deepest wound(s)? You have an internal story that differs from your external story. Most of us give considerable energy to keeping these stories secret and eternally separate from what we project and share with the world, even from people close to us. But both stories (who we pretend we are and who we fear we are) are illusions. We make them true by allowing them to rule us, but nothing is inherently true. They will rule us until we see them as stories. Then, we are free to see how we create our reality.

VENN DIAGRAM: INTERLOCKING IDENTITY

Is any of the above empirically true? How much of either story (the introductory CV crafted for public identity or the

66 DATE YOURSELF deepest secret doubts and fears) is based on perception or temporary roles?

JOURNALING: Now let me ask you: if you are not defined by your job, your birthplace, your role in your family, your age, your romantic status, then who are you? This may freak you out or make you feel awkward. This may excite you or challenge you.

USE the interlocking circles of a venn diagram to help you make clear distinctions for yourself: "What can we control/change?" We are in control of the story that shapes our identity.

1. What do you share in your external story circle (cocktail party convo) 2. Your internal story circle (intimacy, fears) 3. What does it look like where the circles intersect?

Identity is malleable and you can shift it by adjusting the stories you tell about who you are and by making subtle shifts in your behavior. Like “I am a smoker,” “I am a wife” or “I am a vegetarian”. “I am” is a powerful statement of identity, but it is all relative and fluid. Your story is powerful. Don’t let it tell itself. We are in control of a) our external story b) our internal story c) our behavior d) our identity. Your stories inform your behavior. Once, when I wasn’t feeling secure, I shut down a relationship with a guy, and the story ended before it even happened. Your behavior constructs your life. The stories we tell determine who we are and who we are informs the stories we tell. It’s a vicious

67 SIERRA MELCHER circle, which can spiral downward or upward. Believe it or not, you get to decide which direction you go.

CONSTRUCTING YOUR OWN MYTHOLOGY.

Remaking your Identity: When I read mythology, I can derive meaning from the story’s moral to remake how I think about myself and how I behave. Mythology allows us to be playful and powerful. It gives us permission to be wild and free in our imaginations. The opposite is true when we think about identity. It’s logi‐ cal, it’s practical. Whatever we think and believe, we make true through our actions. Let's get creative and playful here for a minute to re-envi‐ sion your story and your identity with mythic proportions. Allow yourself to suspend practical reality for a moment. Dream up your mythic life. The following exercise will invite you to create possibility, even if it resides in the improbable.

REWRITE YOUR STORY AS A MYTH. If your life were a cave painting or carved on the walls of ancient temples, what mystical creatures accompany you? Were you born full-

68 DATE YOURSELF grown from a river? What magical powers do you wield? Have you traveled in the underworlds? What gems have you excavated there? Do you ride a flaming phoenix?! Were you born from the collision of two planets? Maybe your super‐ power is mind reading. Have fun telling a totally new story.

INVENT YOUR MYTHIC LIFE Take a look at some of the prompts below to get you started and use your own imagination. This can be a writing exercise, a drawing practice, or both.

I was born from... I have faced the demons of … and triumphed. In the depths of ... I encountered... I returned from the underworld with the help of... I brought with me treasure of... Along my mythic journey, I was most brave when... The questions that still excite and propel me are... My team of trustworthy companions consist of... I call on them when... In the bonds of trust I can... I am most empowered by the elements of... My force is strengthened by... I am most unstoppable when... My sacred rest looks like...

Need a little inspiration? Read a few examples and watch the 9 min video on my blog1. Share yours too #dateyour‐ selfbook.

DEVOTING attention to examining the stories you tell and how this forms your identity is one of the most intimate acts

69 SIERRA MELCHER of dating yourself. Willingness to play with possibility and allowing a little magic into your story opens up what can happen and who you can become. Holding too tightly to any story can stifle the creativity required to live a brave and inspired life!

WE ARE CONSTANTLY REINVENTING OURSELVES, or at least we have the capacity to do so, if we so choose. Our stories and our actions are meaningful. What is your highest purpose? What is your ultimate intention? In the context of this book and the practice of dating yourself, having an indelible rela‐ tionship with yourself is the ultimate goal. Honoring and celebrating your primary relationship and staying true to yourself is above all else. The following story demonstrates the various ways my friend Jessica practices and honors her primary relationship with reinvention.

JESSICA’S STORY Jessica was married for six years. Then, she got divorced. She left because there was no passion. She spent the next three and a half years exploring her feminine power and free nature. Although she didn’t call it by the term we know and love, she was dating herself. She described that time as “facing fears, figuring out what I wanted by seeing the range of possibilities and learning who I am. I discovered a strong, powerful woman.” She was caring for herself by practicing wellness and discovering curiosity.

SHE PRACTICED many of the tools in this book:

Journaling.

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Deeply listening to inner prompting Meditation Women’s circle Connection with her body through running, swimming, yoga and exotic dance

The time came when she invited the idea of a partnership into her life. She wrote out what and who she was seeking. Jessica wanted a family and to grow spiritually. “I really value the reflective quality of being in partnership. Learning about myself from the context and perspective of a partner.” She wanted more structure in all parts of her life. After years of feminine fluid energy, she wanted to integrate her masculine and feminine energies. He arrived exactly as she had written that he would. The passion, the intimacy and the adventure were there. She saw herself reflected in another person and grew to accommodate the reflection she was shown. However, she also felt a loss of her power as a woman, with such significant role shifting. “Quickly I had no self-time, alone time. I thought, who am I, regardless of who I am with?”

THIS IS an excellent question and ripe with spiritual growth. However, the passion she wanted came with a shadow side: he was possessive and controlling. When he got angry, he was aggressive. She needed space and he wouldn’t allow her to have it. There were four big blow-ups over the course of several months. Again and again she came back, valuing the relationship with her partner over her relationship with herself. She explained it as “abandoning myself, questioning my self worth. Trying to determine what I deserved, what I’m willing to put up with and what I’m willing to sacrifice.”

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After six months of living together in a passionate cycle of loving and fighting, she left the relationship. “I need to deci‐ pher my true self. Who is ‘me’? I want a fluid interplay between my masculine and feminine sides.” I asked her how she intended to do that. “Talking to someone, like a mentor or therapist. Asking for help. Cultivating and nourishing a tribe of people. Talking through my struggle with people who understand.” She is springing back to her center with the help of the community she has created. This break-up is not a failure, if it guides her back to herself. If she seeks more spiritual growth and reflection, then the break-up can be as valuable as the relationship itself. Each and every turn brings her back into communion with herself.

THE STORY and how you interpret it determines your exis‐ tence. The following chapter will explore more deeply how we communicate with ourselves and with others. Create space in your mind for getting meta-cognitive here, thinking about thinking, and see what gems you can uncover.

72 COMMUNICATION

CHAPTER 6

Talk to yourself like you would talk to someone you love. -Brené Brown

here are countless forms of communication. Eye T contact and body language speak volumes, communicating beyond our actual words. You can guess what someone's thinking based on their facial expression. I understand my four-year-old daughter’s eye rolls, even if I don’t appreciate them. While the most direct form of communication is spoken language, we rely on all sorts of communication, body language, tone of voice, and facial cues, amongst other subtle cues, in order to understand others. There's ample room for misunderstanding. Even more so nowadays, since so much of communication happens virtually, which strips away elements of the more subtle layers of communication. I was crossing the street today when a car came towards

73 SIERRA MELCHER me with its turn signal on. I expected the car to turn at the corner, but guess what? The driver came straight at me. What we communicate is not always in alignment with our actions. Let’s get intimate with various methods of communication and ways we miscommunicate. Communication is a key aspect of any relationship. The following chapter will explore how to strengthen your inter‐ personal communication skills, as well as highlight the importance of an undervalued type of communication, auto- communication. Analyzing and adjusting how you speak to yourself is an essential part of enhancing communication in your life! Think about it, the person that you will spend the most time interacting with over the years is you. It is well worth taking the time to deconstruct your inner dialogue and figure out how to express yourself in a new way. Through reinvigorating the way you communicate, both with yourself and with others, you will experience less stress and more joy.

LOST IN TRANSLATION

There are so many places where we can get tangled up. I get confused about what I want and need. I let the voices run rampant. When I am unclear with myself, what I need to communicate naturally comes out mushy, which leads to trouble.

THESE ARE some ways your communication can go wrong:

You don’t know what you want You don’t know how to express what you want You are communicating outside your preferred

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mode of communication (your ‘love language’, which I’ll explain more in Chapter 6).

Many conflicts can be traced back to their roots in communication. Plenty of the exercises in the dating yourself practice are about gaining self-awareness, since your ulti‐ mate responsibility is to your primary relationship. Know thyself. From there, anything is possible.

THE FIRST TIME I was truly in love, I traveled to Colombia to visit a guy, we’ll call him Mr. Intriguing. Luckily, he spoke English, which worked for me. My Spanish vocabulary consisted of maybe twenty words and phrases at the time. One day, at his family home, his mother asked if I was hungry. In the absence of language, food becomes a great intermediary for communicating affection. For a week, she overfed me, making up for all we couldn't say to one another. I was stuffed. I finally said, “No, gracias. No tengo hombre.” Which trans‐ lated to, “No, thank you. I don’t have a man.” She looked at me shocked and the entire family laughed. Hombre, man, is one letter off from Hambre, hunger. I was mortified for ages. Miscommunication is so easy, especially in a foreign language, but is just as common without language or cultural barriers. Sometimes, we don’t have the tools to accurately commu‐ nicate in our primary language. Other times, we are sepa‐ rated by technology or trying to adapt to the communication of another, a journey often fraught with potholes. I fell in one when I made that tiny, one-letter error.

• • •

75 SIERRA MELCHER

WHEN YOU ARE COMMUNICATING with others, be gentle and acknowledge that you will make a mess of things and may cause more confusion as you are learning. However, there are some things you can do to strengthen your communica‐ tion from the outset. The person you communicate with more than anyone else is with yourself. Fortunately, you are uniquely positioned to enhance that line of communication. From there, you can gain clarity on what you really want and need, so that when it comes time to communicate with your‐ self or others, you are clear about what you want to commu‐ nicate! Think about it. Though it might sound obvious, many of us stumble over these obstacles repeatedly.

SELF-TALK & PUTTING THE NASTY VOICE IN THE BACK SEAT

Scientists estimate that humans have 50,000 to 80,000 thoughts a day. Of those thoughts, a staggering number are repeated from day to day. A heartbreaking eighty percent are determined to be negative thoughts. Every time you have a thought, you are impacting the physical structure of your brain, which actually makes it easier to have that same thought again in the future, like building roads and super- highways that can support greater and greater traffic over time. If you are repeating the same negative thoughts, with greater speed and ease, then you are feeding your mind a diet of negativity. Most of these 50,000+ thoughts are what we might call “self-talk”. We are so accustomed to this litany of thoughts, the constant voice in our own head, we often are completely unaware of it. However, the things we say to ourselves can be worse than what we say to any other person. We are more

76 DATE YOURSELF critical of ourselves than others because we have learned behaviors that permit such harsh self-criticism. This section has a tool to help you curb that habit. On the flip side, we tend to be quick to blame others if they treat us unfairly. This might be a tough cookie to eat, but people treat us the way we treat ourselves. We have much more responsibility to ourselves here than you’d expect. When we allow people to treat us badly, we set a standard of what we will tolerate. This standard usually aligns with how we treat ourselves. If we commit to loving ourselves, we would not permit such damage from anyone, ourselves included. When I started to tune into the voices in my head, I was stunned by what I heard. It was familiar, but at the same time heartbreaking and cruel. I thought, “Wow...do I really think such horrible things about myself? Do I really have such a low assessment of me?” How many times, cumulatively, had I heard myself say something that undercut my self-worth or reassured me that no one would ever love me? Hundreds of thousands of times per year for decades! I ache to own that truth. But, there it is. Even more heartbreaking is knowing I am like most human beings in this regard.

PART of my discovery was that there wasn’t just one voice, one consistent train of thought. There were various threads. I started to think of myself as being in a crowded car on an eternally long road trip. Like we played with in the begin‐ ning, getting to know our beasties. There was the driver, of course, the conscious mind that liked to be in control, but it wasn’t me! It was this other not-quite-me person. Until I started listening, I couldn’t figure out who else was in there. In the beginning, it felt like a jumble of arms and legs. Feet in faces; just limbs and sweat and discontented voices. Welcome

77 SIERRA MELCHER to my head. It was so unpleasant, I didn’t want to take any more time paying attention to it than was necessary. My few moments of mindfulness were so horrifying that I often chose to flee and ignore the mess for as long as possible. Eventually, I tired of that strategy and it really didn’t lead to anything good. The more I listened, the more clearly I saw that the dominant voice, the driver, if you will, wasn’t anybody nice and I didn’t want her in my ear all the time, let alone making the significant and insignificant decisions in my life. Get to know the characters in your car. Untangle the bodies crammed in there. Open dialogue amongst these folks. You all have to live together! Might as well figure out a way you can work together. This is in opposition to how we usually think of ourselves, so we circle back to this idea to give it another exploration. (Befriend your Beasties: Visit my blog where I walk you through this process, step-by-step in a guided video practice (18min)1).

WHEN I HAD the courage and patience to listen through all the discomfort I heard:

The kid in the back: Always complaining, “Are we there yet?”. A total brat. Fear Beastie: “No, don’t go that way! Remember what happened last time.” Anger Beastie: fuming in a corner, ready to blow at any given moment. Judgement Beastie: like a pair of conjoined twins, criticism and snark Defeatism Beastie: like a saboteur willing to key the car or slash the tires, if ever given the chance.

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NEVER FORGET THE DRIVER, oh, the driver! She gets her own name and many paragraphs; of course, she does, she has been sitting front and center for too long. My, was it crowded in there! There was a tender little voice in there too, bullied into silence and shame by all the others. Yet, there she was. Once I identified everyone else and put them in their place, this sweet fragile voice had the space she needed to once again speak. She is my intuition.

EARLIER, you took some time to acquaint yourself with your beasties: your fear, your anger, your snarky judgemental bitch, and so on. At first glance, most of us think of these things as unde‐ sirables. We should just have pretty and light thoughts, love and light and all that jazz. Keep in mind that by listening in and getting to know your beasties you can transform a seeming enemy into a member of your super hero posse!

THERE WILL ALWAYS BE a little voice (or five) nagging, commenting, or narrating your life. My car is still full. That’s fine. The essential thing to note here is that we will never be rid of this voices, nor is that the goal. The saboteur is an evolutionary part of our human psychology. Eliminating any part of you is not the goal. Having a goal like that only sets you up for a lot more torture later. Can you set aside any attachment to that ideal? On the contrary, we need to get to know these “undesir‐ able beasties” better. Have them over for tea. Interact with

79 SIERRA MELCHER them. See what they want. See if they represent a wound from the past or present insecurities. What are they trying to protect you from? Was there a time that you needed this? Do you still need them or can you give them a break? Under‐ stand that they are separate from you. Although they are aspects of your inner culture, none of your voices are YOU. By getting familiar with all the folks in your car, you can start functioning as a team to collaborate using the various strengths of different beasties when needed.

I NAMED MY DOMINANT, most vocal beastie, Mildred. She is snarky and has something to say about everything and every‐ body. None of it is nice, or true. Mildred turns that same nasty on me, sometimes. Once I could see her, recognize her and name her then I could say, “Back seat Mildred” when I sensed her acting up. It is okay to get to know your “nasty” self better. There was a time when Mildred was my front- line of defense. She had my back, because she was a shit- talker and tried to keep me from getting hurt or being naïve. “Thanks Mildred. Now shut it.” For a long time, she was the driver. I don’t outrightly reject her. That actually flies in the face of dating yourself. I appreciate her. I simply notice what she says, then put her in her place, mainly in the back seat so I can drive. I’ll never leave her on the side of the road, though. I feel better knowing she is there if I should ever need her again.

PLACE THESE CRITTERS in the back seat, let them come along for the ride, but don’t let them get behind the wheel. With your authoritative voice, tell your beasties, your destructive self, to take a back seat. Once the voice is in its proper place, it loses much of its power.

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BOUNDARIES AND EDGES

When our beasties are acting up, it may be because we are approaching a limitation. By communicating with us, they might even be trying to “protect” us from something, alert us to something important. It’s good to have well-defined boundaries, which are limitations of what is acceptable and unacceptable to you. It’s also important to recognize the difference between boundaries and a second type of limita‐ tion that I call an edge. Let’s take a quick look at what a boundary is versus what an edge is:

Boundaries: Boundaries are knowing what you want and what you don't want. Take the time to draw the line between the two. Your firm boundaries are the indisputable line between what is okay and what is absolutely not okay for you. Edges: Edges are different from boundaries. Edges are where your comfort zone ends and you want to nudge yourself beyond. Play with your growing edge. Edges are places you want to expand from.

ONE OF MY edges is dance. Public dancing makes me so uncomfortable. I see the joy it brings others and I know the pleasure of dancing alone at home, moving my body with music. When I start to dance in public, my fear beastie screams, “Stop! You look silly. People might think you’re dumb.” I know my fear beastie is there to protect me, to keep me from crossing boundaries that could cause me physical or emotional harm, but in this case, I am perfectly safe. I am near an edge, an uncomfortable border where I can stretch

81 SIERRA MELCHER and explore. I can put my fear beastie in the backseat, scooch my higher self over to the driver’s seat, and dance (uncom‐ fortably)!

BEING aware of our boundaries and edges is crucial in our interpersonal relationships. If you don’t have a clear idea of what your boundaries and edges are, you might find yourself ignoring them, only to suffer the consequences later. Have you ever thought, “If I lavish attention on him/her, they will figure out that I want them to do the same to me?” Has anyone ever treated you with the same degree of attention, put your desires, aspirations or whims above their own as consistently as you do? This leads to textbook cases of code‐ pendency, but we are encouraged to treat partners this way. Do you find yourself resenting people in your life for not honoring your boundaries and edges?

1. Outlining boundaries and edges 2. Make an actual list of deal breakers, things you refuse to do or tolerate in various parts of your life. These are your boundaries. 3. Then identify the edges, where your comfort zone ends, but where you would like to either be more comfortable or just grow and devote more time or energy, despite any discomfort.

WHAT IF FOR the next month, at least, you did the following:

1. Be sure to make efforts to communicate with yourself as you would have your ideal partner or your best friend treat you.

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2. Do something that turns you on. Every single day. 3. Dance/play with your growing edge- expand your comfort zone, capacity. This practice is likely to challenge your comfort zone in more ways than one, so you are already making strides there. Take the risks. Yippee!

WHEN YOU ARE TREATING YOURSELF WELL, you are modeling the behavior you want from others. Simultane‐ ously, you are not dependent on receiving this behavior from others, because you are tending to your own needs and desires. When someone else does care for you, the added benefit is that you will be more likely to graciously and fully accept it as a bonus, not as a necessity. Now, we have turned our focus to listening carefully to our self-talk, clarified our boundaries, we have gained skills and heightened critical awareness in the realm of communi‐ cation. As with everything, this is not a guaranteed quick fix. Mildred will always be hanging out in my back seat. There will be misunderstandings. How you respond to each of these is an element of shifting your communication. Communication both with yourself and with others is a challenging terrain to navigate, but with these and other tools, we are more equipped to move forward. Knowing yourself, practicing communicating your needs, balancing communicating in your accustomed pattern, and attempting to communicate in another’s ‘language’ will expand your skill, but may be messy. In the next chapter, we will focus on one single word and a huge concept essential to all relation‐ ships: Love.

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CHAPTER 7

Maybe there's a God above But all I've ever learned from love Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya -Leonard Cohen Hallelujah Lyrics

ove. It’s one of the most essential words in the L English language, in any language, really. Yet, it’s one of the most vaguely defined words. We each have a bone-deep sense of the word. We all want and need love. But, few people have a common definition for this primal and essential concept. When people say “I love you,” as much as we long to hear those words, we don’t necessarily know what they mean. We hope it means what we want it to, even if it is not super clear.

THIS IS A RECIPE FOR DISASTER. Every time. The first time I heard my baby girl say, “Mommy, I love you.” I melted. At the same time, I sensed she was just parroting me. After all, that’s how kids learn language, by

84 DATE YOURSELF repeating sounds back to their caretakers. For me, those sounds held so much meaning. Since then, I have been inten‐ tional in word and action to construct meaning around the sounds /aɪ lʌv juː/ As she is growing up, we are creating a mental and emotional blueprint that will serve her for the rest of her life. I use words and actions to reinforce this concept: “I love you because ____ and when I keep you safe, make you food, read you stories, play with you, that is because I love you, it’s how I love you…” I hold her or stroke her hair while telling her this. This tenderness seems natural with a child, but what about with adults, with a partner? With this awareness, I often check my actions to see if they are in alignment with my words and intentions. Am I being loving in my tone, in my reactions, with patience and attention in my consistency and in my touch? I know she is still learning her beliefs about the world and her place in it. I want to make sure her deepest sense is that she feels safe, loved, deserving of love, and that it is not conditional on behavior, appearance or any other variable. I am trying to offer her what I wish I had.

WE CONSTRUCT our core beliefs when we are young. The meaning and definition of love has primacy among these essential understandings, but because we learn them so early it is more of a feeling rather than something we can easily explain. These beliefs are handed down from generation to generation, almost like our DNA. Lisa Lister, an author and leader in reclaiming the feminine, writes about this powerful intergenerational ripple in her book, Love Your Lady Land‐ scape. “The way our mumma treated herself is the way she treated us and this becomes how we think about ourselves deep in our core.” This is something we understand in our bones, but sometimes struggle to put into words. However,

85 SIERRA MELCHER we still need to know, in our conscious mind, what love means to each of us. By the end of this chapter, you will have crafted your own solid and clear definition of love. Or, you can borrow one of mine (and you don’t have to give it back, it’s yours!). This will support your date yourself practice by making conscious in word and action what love means to you. Love is inarguably a vital component of life. We must have intentional aware‐ ness of how we give and receive it.

LET’S START with what you already have. We each learned the concept and practice of love from a smattering of interac‐ tions, intentional and unintentional, starting with our family of origin, then from friends and lovers, and also, unfortu‐ nately, from Disney and Hollywood. And we wonder why so many of us are looking for Prince Charming. I hate to break it to you, but he’s animated! From this jumble, we construct and redefine our concept of love over and over as we grow up. No wonder love seems incongruent and contradictory in some places, and pure fiction in others. The following section will explore what formed our understanding of love.

LOVE TIMELINE

Make a timeline of defining "love moments" that have impacted you. These can be memories when you learned what love looked like, felt like or sounded like.

1. When did you learn the various forms of love? 2. From whom did you learn your definition(s) of love? 3. —From family? 4. —From past relationships?

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5. —From culture, stories, media? 6. How do you practice and express love to others? 7. What aspects of your constructed definition satisfy and enrich you? What aspects do not? 8. Was love “for your own good” more like tough love, punishment, or brutality? 9. Was love tender, overcompensation or earned and conditional? 10. Was love consistent, honest? 11. Was love from the movies? Or a fairytale? 12. What aspects of this learned-love fit together? 13. Which aspects are contradictory or would you like to revise?

YOUR LOVE JIGSAW

Let’s create a snapshot of what various messages you have gathered about love over the years. (Find the love jigsaw and many of the other exercises in the downloadable Journal1.) Or sketch a puzzle piece shape. In each space, draw and/or write moments that informed your understanding of love. I, personally, use Wintergreen essential oil for muscle aches, and when excavating emotional pain. I don’t want to

87 SIERRA MELCHER associate pain with love, but they are inseparable. To care for someone is to be vulnerable and risk hurt.

TAKE a moment to examine the result of your Love Timeline & Jigsaw. What realizations have arisen?

WHAT IS LOVE?

This question plagued me and sent me on a search. I read a lot of books and sought out experts across many fields, from scientists and doctors, to poets and feminine theorists. The following interpretations and coalesced ideas struck me after over a year of curiosity on this topic. Ever the faithful student, I started with the dictionary. A common definition of love is “an intense feeling of deep affection.” But that seemed so soulless and insufficient. Kurt Vonnegut, the irreverent and bitter author wrote in The Sirens of Titan, “A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.” While this is from a dystopia, it is also powerful that our human purpose is to love, anybody.

I SOUGHT some female perspective on the matter. Anaïs Nin, the 20th century writer of short stories and erotica, renowned for her wisdom about love wrote, in A Literate Passion: Letters of Anaïs Nin & Henry Miller, 1932-1953, “What is love but acceptance of the other, whatever he is.” Accep‐ tance struck me as something new and tangible. So together these various definitions gave me affection, purpose, and accep‐ tance. That was something, but still felt vague. I continued, at a loss until a friend handed a book to me by a prominent feminist theorist bell hooks (she does not

88 DATE YOURSELF capitalize her name). In her book, All About Love, hooks adopted the best description I’ve found from psychiatrist M. Scott Peck: love is “the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth.” Wow. Extending one’s self for spiritual growth, your own or someone else’s? That speaks volumes more than “affection”. I felt like it nourished the definition that informs my love for my daughter. The ways I extend myself for her and my own spiritual growth are countless; through this lens I am elevated and inspired. This definition informed how I practice self-love, too. When I sit one out, or give in to fear, I am not practicing love. That blows my mind.

Craft a definition that works for you You must have ironclad clarity on your definition of love as you move forward. The way you define it can evolve, but without a clear definition, you are aiming at a moving and mystical, imaginary target. How you express love offers insight to how you learned about love. What values and actions are most important to you?

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CHECK each statement you agree with:

Love is wanting what is best for someone, even if that someone is not you. Love is valuing yourself and what is best for you, even when it causes pain for another. Love is fluctuating and fluid. Love is constant and unshakable. Love is unconditional. Love is a state of being. Love is an action. Love is out of my control, more of a biological reaction. Love is… Love is… Love is… Love is…

LOVE MADLIB Here is another way to play and see what comes. Define the verb to love for yourself. Choose phrases that suit you as you craft your own definition. I’ve given you some words to start, but the world is your oyster here. Love can be a straw‐ berry shortcake or a purring cat.

USE the Word Bank or get creative: Love is a(n) ______expressed between ______to transmit ______, signifying ______. The culmination of love is ______.

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CONNECT WITH THE COMMUNITY: Share your definition to allow us to come closer to grasping this concept and prac‐ ticing it. #dateyourselfbook #dateyourselfchallenge All defin‐ itions are perfectly correct or, adopt one of the descriptions of love from above.

ACCEPTANCE VERSUS LOVE

Is your love of others and yourself conditional or uncondi‐ tional? You want to say, “Of course I love unconditionally.” However, from a young age many of us learn that love is earned, with the right behavior, the right looks, and that love is not our birthright. The people who raised you are not monsters. In all likelihood they were practicing what they had been taught before them. In her book, A Return to Love, Marianne Williamson writes, “Very few of us were taught that we are essentially good. Very few of us were given a sense of unconditional approval, a feeling that we’re precious

91 SIERRA MELCHER because of what we are, not what we do.” Have you felt this kind of “love” before? As you are playing with dating yourself, occasionally notice if/how you are repeating habits from previous rela‐ tionships, including parental ones, to ask with authentic curiosity: Do I want to continue this pattern? If my love has been conditional, do I want to reinforce that pattern with myself… or with a future partner?

LOVE LANGUAGES

As we explored in the previous chapters, how you communi‐ cate reflects how you like others to communicate with you. How you express affection is usually linked to how your family of origin expressed affection. If you are unaware of how you communicate, how you like to express and receive affection, how you express your needs and to what degree you defend your boundaries, chances are that communication is a minefield for you. At any step you could blow up! Let’s see if we can clear the explosive material and chart a path for you. A helpful communication tool comes from Doctor Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages. We're going to look at this research to reframe our communication with others, but also with ourselves. The five categories, according to Chapman are:

Words of Affirmation Physical Touch Gifts Quality Time Acts of Service

The lack of awareness and literacy within these languages

92 DATE YOURSELF is responsible for much of the conflict in romantic rela‐ tionships. As you gain more intimacy and allow curiosity to lead you into deeper understanding about yourself in this dating process, it is critical you learn your love languages and operate towards yourself with this information in mind. Take the quick love language quiz online2 to discover your love language. Even if you have done it in the past, do it again to get a current read. *Note: Consider taking the test for singles and then also for partners. As the questions are phrased differently, you may have distinct desires from “people you love” and from “your partner.” Once you have the scores for your love language, look back to your Ideal Partner, and Turns Me On list that you made earlier. What correlation do you find? Does what turns you on correspond positively with your love language? How can you now use this insight to enhance your interaction with yourself?

IDEAS: For each love language you scored above 6 or above, seek a way you can communicate with yourself in that way daily, especially on one micro-attention.

LOVE LANGUAGE: Words of Affirmation If Words of Affirmation is your top scored Love Language, take time to speak words of affirmation to your‐ self daily. You can speak to your reflection in the mirror. You can post little notes around the house reminding you that you are loved. Complimenting you, showing appreciation. Record your own voice reading affirmations, compliments, and praise you are eager to hear. Add them to a playlist you listen to often. Randomly, you will hear, in your own voice,

93 SIERRA MELCHER loving words throughout your day, in your car, on a walk or while you work. A woman in my circle did this for herself while training for a marathon. When she was running low on steam on her jogs, the sound of her own voice piping up in her playlist to cheer herself on gave her powerful surges of energy. It’s real.

LOVE LANGUAGE: Physical Touch Offer hugs to people. The best part about offering a hug is that you get one in return. Cultivate a list of people who are excellent huggers. Make the rounds and get your daily dose of physical contact. Give yourself a hug. You do not need another body to enjoy physical touch! The hormonal and neurobiological impacts of hugging yourself are nearly the same as hugging another person. According to various neuroscience and psychology studies, you need eight hugs a day to maintain overall well-being. Get huggin’. Additionally you could get a massage, short or long. Or explore self- massage. Ask for your feet to be rubbed a bit longer while you are getting a pedicure. Seek kind touch as a priority.

LOVE LANGUAGE: Receiving Gifts You do not have to buy a gift for it to be meaningful. Likewise, a gift does not have to be expensive for it to be appreciated. That flower behind your ear or a handmade card can bring more joy than diamond earrings. Use your money for things you really want and need. This is especially important if you have been feeling deprived of this form of love in the past. A thoughtful little gift can be more mean‐ ingful than a big fancy one. *Note: for some people, myself included, receiving (gifts or other acts of generosity) may be a real struggle. This is a vital skill for connection and inti‐

94 DATE YOURSELF macy. We will get more into the art of receiving in future chapters, but be aware that if this is not your love language and you struggle with this, it is an element that must be attended to.

LOVE LANGUAGE: Acts of Service Maybe there are a few things you are putting off: washing the dishes, running an errand, or fixing something broken around the house. These are little things that could probably wait, but if you do them now, as an act of service to yourself, you will have a sense of relief. You can give yourself a clean kitchen rather than having so many undone tasks. If Acts of Service is high on your love language score, take the time to do the small tasks that give you a greater sense of meaning and love. Do them with love, rather than from a sense of obligation or duty.

LOVE LANGUAGE: Quality Time Spending quality time with yourself may feel strange, especially if you are used to thinking about spending quality time with a partner or a friend. Think of what brings you joy, fulfillment. Sometimes, when we are in a romantic partner‐ ship, we spend quality time doing what our loved one wants to do. We can lose ourselves. This time is purely for you. What do you want to do? Return to your Turns Me On list. How do you want to spend quality time? Remember your love language is as much with and for yourself as it is with an external partner. However, your quality time with and for yourself does not have to be alone. This is a large part of why women join my Sisterhood Circle; it is quality time for one’s self (without obligation or respon‐ sibility for anyone else’s needs.)

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• • •

PRACTICE CREATING LOVE with Yourself for your Date Night

EXPERIMENT:

How to Fall in Love with Anyone, Even Yourself One of my favorite discoveries was this research, (I know I am a total geek; don’t you love it?) Social scientists have gathered a series of questions designed to lead, with deep‐ ening intimacy and curiosity, to a profound place of connec‐ tion.3 When you are ready to answer the questions all in one go, click 36 questions to fall in love. (plan about 2 hours) Then sit down and answer all of the questions for yourself, including the eye-gaze at the end! This is a date night activity you can do at home. Do it now, or schedule it as soon as possible. Have your journal at the ready. Allow this activity and your evolving definition of love to transform your core beliefs. Remember that with micro-shifts, attention and intention, you can transform anything.

WRITE a Love Letter to Yourself Let’s return to how we communicate with ourselves and apply what we have learned in this chapter. You will put it all together and practice both giving and receiving the love you most want. Materials:

Your Awesomeness Collage - Be reminded of all the quirky specialness that is you. Your Turns Me On list

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Your Ideal Partner - Take on that alter ego for a moment and write from that place. Your Love Languages Quiz results Nice paper or stationary, a pretty pen

You will not write this love letter on torn out binder paper. This is a genuine love letter from an age when people took the time to handwrite full letters, pour their hearts out on the page and then patiently wait weeks for letters to be delivered by post. With this intention, with this sincerity, and with this faith, write yourself the letter you long to receive. Use any or all the following prompts to inspire you.

Darling dearest, You… I love you because... I am proud of you because... You are so magnificently... Do you know how much I appreciate… I’m so impressed by... Your epic awesomeness is... I want to thank you for... I have never told you…

Sit down and do this now, or schedule time for it this week. If you don't know you deserve this as fiercely as I do, know that you can. Do this because you want to know with unyielding confidence you are incredible, one of a kind! If you are not completely convinced, let your alter ego/ideal partner tell you how true it is. If you are struggling with this ask a dear friend to help. Now, I dare you to put it in the mail.

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THE NEXT CHAPTER will be a great training ground to observe and revise some of your own self-talk and relation to your own body. Your body is a core component of dating yourself. Your soul and this bodily vessel are in this together. If it helps to think about dating yourself with this distinction, do so. Soul and body (subtle and tangible, internal and external) in a committed relationship to the end. With that in mind, it is tragic that so many women, myself included, harbor such toxic, judgmental thoughts toward their own bodies. This next section will invite you to apply witness consciousness again, to hear the self-talk regarding your body and elevate this primary relationship by applying this revised definition of love to your own magnificent body.

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CHAPTER 8

We can go without most things for long periods of time, anything almost, but not our joy.” -Clarissa Pinkola Estés Ph.D

leasure is the New Black P It will never be your partner’s job to discover what you like and give it to you. You have to go out and find it yourself. Don't make the mistake of believing that your sexual energy lives only between your legs. Your sexual and sensual self is your whole body. Isn’t that magnificent! Let’s get intimate with it. First, you must see, reconnect and reclaim your body.

THIS CHAPTER IS hard for me to write. Of all the areas we cover in Dating Yourself, this is the one I struggle with the most. I learned shame and embarrassment about my body and sexuality early. It was not until much more recently that

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I was reunited with my own pleasure capacity. For years my body had been an endless source of self-loathing and shame. Food was comfort, but by middle school I was bulimic. I would emotionally eat when I felt sad or lonely; actually, I never had to determine exactly what I was feeling because I ate the feeling away before I was ever too uncomfortable to identify what exactly I felt. I stopped being bulimic, but never stopped eating emotionally; I just got big and hid. The idea of pleasure, of being worthy of joy, was impossible for me. Wrapped up in my body issues was a fear of physical intimacy. After my own vicious judgement of my body, I couldn't imagine anyone else seeing it as beautiful or desirable. I was cruel to my body in thought and action for years. I only wanted to exist from the neck up. My body was forever faithful, though. It was only after I started to develop appre‐ ciation for my body that I could see my inherent worth and worthiness. I am not done; there is no done. My appreciation of my body ebbs and flows, but the fundamental dialogue has shifted for me and it can for you too. There were so many riches waiting for me to discover and enjoy in this fleshy container. Clarissa Pinkola Estés refers to her body as her “extravagant body.” These words reflect her acceptance and appreciation of the form she has been gifted with. How can you find accurate, loving words and ideas for your body?

JOURNAL The body is a vehicle that can take you to amazing places.

1. To what degree have you disconnected from your body? 2. How often do you allow yourself to experience bodily pleasure?

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This chapter is dedicated to returning you to the joy and pleasure available to you when you fully inhabit and appre‐ ciate your body. Chapter 9 takes that awareness a step further and gives us the gifts and wisdom offered by menstruation, another aspect of the female body we have learned to disconnect from almost entirely. These next two chapters are an invitation back into your body and all the sensations, possibilities, joy and wisdom that can come with it.

POETRY OF ACCEPTANCE

I started my journey with my mind, the part of myself I had accepted. I had to wrap my head around my body and use my intellect to make space for a new view, for a new relationship with my form. This next exercise was my introduction. I hope it will help you, as it helped me. I started with a question. My lovers are not perfect. Yet, I accept them for who they are. However, I hold myself to a higher standard. Perfectionism is a form of self-loathing and sabotage. How can I experience the same acceptance

101 SIERRA MELCHER and appreciation for myself, as I do for the people I have loved? What would it be like to accept your body the way you accept others’ bodies, as they are? This is not about creating a false love, in some feel-good, self-help inauthentic practice. You do not need to love your cellulite (but you are welcome to). You do not have to love your acne scars. But, this is who you are. This is part of you. Your body is a critical part of your story and part of your truth.

I ENCOURAGE you to write a little poetry of acceptance and appreciation dedicated to some part of you that has always been given the critical gaze. Choose one part of your body that has never been good enough for you. Write a few lines in acknowledgement. Say what you can that will lead you to accept this part of yourself, just as it is. Not if it gets “better”. Is there anything you can appreciate about this perceived flaw? What can you say thank you for? How has this imperfection served you, served as a reminder of something you do appreciate?

WRITE an Ode to your lumpy bumpy...

Ode to your too long, too strong Ode to your too short Ode to your too hairy, too scary Ode to your too fat, to your too bare

IF YOU ENJOYED THIS, try a poem to another, non-physical, part of you.

Ode to my not enough

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Ode to my not yet Ode to my not quite Ode to my never again Ode to my won’t, can’t, don’t Ode to my too much, to my not enough

CONNECT WITH THE COMMUNITY: #dateselfbook #datey‐ ourselfchallenge. By sharing you give other women permis‐ sion to do the same. This is healing for all of us. I want to hear your ode!

BEAUTY IS A CONSTRUCT. So, nudge the smallest of spaces for you to inhabit, to create a story of your exalted body. Too much of your time and energy has been sacrificed to preoccupation with your appearance. It is toxic. Clarissa Pinkola Estés Ph.D says, “to confine the beauty and value of the body to anything less than [its] magnificence is to force the body to live without its rightful spirit, … deeply wounding to the natural joy that belongs to the wild nature.”

FORGIVE THE PAST. Open up an ever-expanding space of acceptance and appreciation for the gift of your body. It is rich and you can see its richness, when you seek that aware‐ ness. The following practices will invite you to cultivate space for you to get to know your body and relate to it in a more loving way. If you are anything like me, these practices will be uncomfortable, which is a clear indication they are essential to your process. Please, be gentle with yourself. Step back and just observe your experience and thought patterns, without emotional attachment. If you want support with this or any other practice, join the community thousands of

103 SIERRA MELCHER women trust or reach out to me. I’ll be honored to hear from you.

BODY APPRECIATION PRACTICES

Self Gaze Daily Practice (Start by doing this for at least a week.) You have a body. A magnificent, functional body. Every day, gaze at your full naked body for three minutes in the mirror. Take it in and see yourself. Keep any nasty voice in the back seat and look with appreciative eyes. Does the idea of this make you feel uncomfortable? What do you expect it will bring up for you? What needs to be healed, felt, and addressed between you and your body? Take this opportunity to stand plainly in front of your reflection. Let each visit to the mirror be a balm, a recover‐ ing, a remembering, a returning to your perfect body. It is perfect!

SELF-TOUCH

Regular Practice (Begin after at least a week of Self-Gaze)

104 DATE YOURSELF

What have you learned and internalized about self-touch? How comfortable are you with touching yourself?

Self-touch is a sensual practice. Self-touch is not necessarily sexual. Self-touch is any time you put your hands on your body. Self-touch is not a goal driven, orgasm focused mission.

Self-touch Practice

Create a safe and comfortable space, where you are sure you will be undisturbed. Low light, soft fabric Pleasurable music Scent: incense or essential oil. A massage oil (that you know will not irritate your skin) [optional] Loose clothing or none at all

What feels good? Soft, light touch? Firm touch? Slow and gentle caresses? Or light scratches and tickles? Different kinds of touch intensity or speed may feel good on different

105 SIERRA MELCHER parts of your body and at different phases of your cycle. (More on this in the next chapter).

1. Let your fingers touch with curiosity. 2. Touch to feel from within… what feels good? 3. Play and explore every part of your body: Arms, shoulders, neck, face, earlobes, scalp, back, feet, legs, thighs, belly, breasts, buttocks. 4. Be curious and willing to try. 5. If and when you want to touch your most intimate places, you can, but that is not the goal. Be gentle. Honor your sacredness. This is neither performance or violation. Heal and recover from any injury, physical or emotional. You do not have to even try to orgasm to have an erotic or pleasurable self-touch practice. Try it each way and learn what you like, learn how it feels to give and receive physical pleasure. Find a touch that makes your toes curl.

Turns Me On List: a reference to return to and continue to add to as you discover new pleasures.

MASTURBATION Our culture makes sex a goal-focused, destination prac‐ tice. This is a masculine and external approach to sex. Orgasms are amazing! However, with too much focus or pressure it can inhibit the pleasure and ease of intimacy, alone or with others. From here on out, especially with your‐ self, commit to removing that external measure. No longer ask “Did I cum?”. The new question is “Did I feel good?”.

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DISCOVERY PHASE

Sexuality & Sensuality There are so many ways to experience pleasure. This challenge is to open yourself up to exploring and encoun‐ tering ways you can experience more joy and pleasure. Some of these may be inherently sexual. Others may not. Invite all your senses in. Intend to activate them all. Seek new pleasures. Remember that your senses are your access point to the world. Sight, sound, taste, smell and touch influence your full, human experience. Intention: Discover one new sensual pleasure for each of your five senses.

A taste experience that you can savour A sound that vibrates with your soul A sight that inspires your inner vision A texture that awakens your fingertips or makes your skin tingle A scent to soak in

AS YOU GET INCREASINGLY INTIMATE, explore and discover what brings you joy and what feels like it crosses boundaries. Notice the subtle difference between boundaries and edges here. What is uncomfortable just because it is unfamiliar is likely an edge that you can choose to play with. Meanwhile, boundaries will likely feel more clear, and crossing them will bring a sensation that goes beyond discomfort. Do not perpetrate violations of yourself. Honor those and allow your intimacy to be about safety, trust and joy.

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CONSIDER EXPLORING THE FOLLOWING, from a space of curiosity:

Erotica - literature that gets your juices flowing OMG YES - an application for your phone (approximately $35 USD at the time of publication) that integrates research interviews, videos and touch screen technology to encourage self pleasure for women. (*I am not affiliated with them in anyway, just a happy customer). Playlists - curate a playlist that makes you want to move your body. Listen to my flirting with myself Spotify playlist (I am listening to it right now). By all means make your own! Share yours; I love a good play list. Consider throwing a dance party - silent or with blaring music, in public or at home, with friends or alone. Films - Seek pleasure from movie scenes that make you lusty, impassioned or inspired. “Make Love Not Porn is an incredible alternative to pornography “#realworldsex in all its glorious, silly beautiful, messy, reassuring humanness. “Pro- sex. Pro-porn. Pro-knowing the difference.” If you are interested in real life sex, consider watching Cindy Gallop’s TEDx Oxford.

It doesn’t matter what turns you on. What matters is that you discover and enjoy your own vital experience. When you find your new joys, share! Tell us what stirs you. #dateself‐ book #dateyourselfchallenge. Share the joy. Help us create a database of all sorts of joy and sensuality. By sharing you give permission to others to do the same. What you do matters. Lead the way- inspire us to find our own.

108 DATE YOURSELF

A revitalized commitment to dating yourself includes attending to and appreciating your body. Especially if, like me, you struggle with body image and/or physical touch is one of your top love languages. We each have this complex body working for us, supporting us. Every heartbeat. Every breath. Every day. When you focus on all that it isn’t, all its failings, you demean your most precious gift. Without this body, you don’t have life. Experiment and see how a little gratitude and appreciation for this sacred vessel shapes your experience over the next few weeks.

THE FOLLOWING CHAPTER dives us into the intimate function of your female body. We will examine a taboo and over‐ looked vital aspect of what makes you human, what makes you female. We will integrate how your menstrual cycle plays into and significantly alters your desires, your energy and your mood. *If you are not female, reading the next chapter may offer great insight to the lives of the women in your life. If you are no longer menstruating, for any reason, know that you still have cycles, they are simply more subtle. In place of the phases of menstruation, you can use the phases of the moon to track and tune into your natural rhythms.

109 DATING YOUR CYCLE

CHAPTER 9

Our cycles ensure that we do not live static lives. Instead they demand that we live dynamically, constantly exploring the different gifts of feminine power that each portion of our cycle holds. Part of learning the art of being a woman is learning to honour each element of our cycles and ourselves. -Lucy H. Pearce, Moon Time

ou are really getting into it. Cool. How does it Y feel to be interacting with yourself in these new ways? Listening to and appreciating your body, revising your self-talk and communication, as well as culti‐ vating an alter ego as an ideal partner.

JOURNAL What have you discovered so far? Once you have figured out some of this new game, it

110 DATE YOURSELF doesn’t mean it is going to always be a slam dunk every time. Bummer, huh? You are more complex than one size fits all.

WOMEN, as you already know, are fluctuating, cyclical crea‐ tures. Menstruation and cycles are a vital part of woman‐ hood. Considering that our cycles are universal, it makes no sense that the topic is also taboo. We’ll put an end to that taboo in this chapter. By shedding light on this critical aspect of being female you will come to see you carry the keys that can unlock what has been mysterious or hidden from you all these years. My first exposure to this insight came from a book called, Code Red: Know your flow, unlock your monthly super powers and create a bloody amazing life. Period., by Lisa Lister. As the subtitle suggests, the book is a bold exploration of menstrua‐ tion. It is a hilarious, informative and practical guide, designed to acquaint a woman with her feminine wisdom and power. In this chapter I will present a few ideas. They may be new to you or you may already be well aware.

YOUR HORMONES ARE A SHIFTING COMBINATION, moving from one phase to another with regularity. Even if you are on birth control or no longer bleed, you are still influenced by a changing, subtle tide. We are all impacted by a fluctuating hormonal cocktail. Once you are literate in the language of your body's rhythms and tuned into how your particular cycle functions, you can use that information to your advan‐ tage. If you’re not yet in tune with your cycle, you might feel “crazy”. At times, you might feel together and capable and a few days later feel fragile, sensitive, or angry. The seemingly sudden change between extremes can be traumatic and

111 SIERRA MELCHER confusing, until you come to understand your cycle. Most modern women are disconnected from our natural cycles. We aren’t taught to listen to our bodies’ signals, which leaves us unprepared to go through a lifetime of cyclical changes. Being unaware of what our bodies are experiencing can make our symptoms worse, and our lives more stressful.

AS YOU GO through your cycle, pay attention to what you are experiencing, physically and emotionally. What makes you feel good one week, may not have the same effect the next week. Your self-touch practice may vary as you progress through your cycle. Based on how much energy you have, you may want one kind of flirting or dating activity and then a few days later want the opposite. Being a cyclical woman can feel frustrating, until you understand the patterns oper‐ ating underneath. Once you read the messages from your own body you can respond to fit your needs. You will be literate and informed, both by your body and about your body. You will become fluent in the language of your cyclical nature and come to find that rather than bring unpredictable, you are incredibly predictable.

THIS CHAPTER IS DESIGNED to give you the tools you need to unlock the code to your own rhythm and cycle. This will allow you to learn not just what you like, but, also, when you like it. This is only an introduction to the theme of menstru‐ ation. To become an expert read the books recommended above.

THERE ARE four general phases to your menstrual cycle. These have parallels with phases of the moon, although you

112 DATE YOURSELF may not bleed in alignment with the moon. You may be familiar with the belief that when women live or spend considerable time together, their cycles align. Whether you regularly menstruate or not, you have a hormonal rhythm to unlock. Much has been written about the parallels between the moon, seasons, archetypes and the female menstrual cycle. I will not attempt to repeat it all here but rather present a coalesced and introductory understanding.

COUNTING YOUR CYCLE

Your cycle is every day, not just the days you are bleeding. Each woman’s cycle is personal and may fluctuate throughout life. The average menstrual cycle lasts 28-days, the same duration as the synodic month, the period in which the moon cycles through its phases. Some women have longer cycles or shorter cycles, there is not a “right duration”. All that matters is that you learn the rhythm of your cycle and your own natural hormonal flow. Once you have this aware‐ ness, you can gain insight and support your own cycle.

START COUNTING from the first day of your period. That is day one of your cycle. Track your mood from there. A cycle chart can be found in the Journal download1 and watch the video tutorial to help follow and discover your own pattern. This is a daily practice that can take up to three months to chart and observe patterns, but it is well worth the attention. Measuring yourself against the “average’ teaches you nothing until you know what your personal patterns and cyclical rhythm looks like. Below, you will find the days of the cycle, menstruation phase and the corresponding moon phase, the energetic and seasonal metaphors and each phase’s feminine archetype that

113 SIERRA MELCHER matches the needs, powers and energy of the phase. Take these in and see how they relate to you. Lisa Lister writes in her groundbreaking book Code Red. “There was a time when women totally honored and celebrated their monthly cycles. For real. It was the cycle that moved a woman from girl, through to mother, through to wise woman, through to crone.” This could be true for you, too. Your period might not come on the new moon, that is more of an energetic parallel. The first few days of your cycle invite rest, as the darkness of the new moon phase was tradi‐ tionally considered a time of rest.

Day 1-6 Menstruation- New moon Reflective, Inner winter Rest, nourish, find inspiration Create space and quiet time for solitude Crone Archetype: Introspective and intuitive- time of cleansing and releasing- great time for letting go of old and setting intentions, planting seeds for the next phase.

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DAY 7-14 PRE-OVULATION- Crescent moon Dynamic: Inner spring Inspiration into action, create & renew Great time for visioning and putting ideas into action Building energy, Cultivating Virgin/ Maiden Archetype: a woman belonging unto herself. Time to be bold. Social communication, new projects, energy and willingness. To be in the physical world. Cooperate.

DAY 15-21 OVULATION- Full moon Expressive: Inner summer Sensual creativity, connection Energy is up, more outgoing and confident Great time to shine again: to be seen, public, out, Enthusiastic, rowdy, fun, playful. Mother/ Empress Archetype: Empower ourselves, nourish and nurture others. Receptive, highly cooperative. Great for outward expression, public, manifestation of things. Ideas and fruition.

DAY 22-28+ Premenstrual- Waning moon Creative: Inner Fall Listen deeply, clarify your needs Honor your boundaries, communicate your need for space Wild/Wise Woman Archetype: Enchantress, Introspec‐ tive. Involution: Draw inward. Assessment, great alone time. Intolerant of demands of others. Rich dreaming. More quiet

115 SIERRA MELCHER time. Peak sexuality and different flavor. Thin veil between the physical and spiritual world. Deep insight if you allow yourself quiet.

REFLECT on each phase and see how it applies to you. If you are not regularly tracking your cycle, commit to keeping track for at least three months until you become more familiar with your own patterns. *Note: if you prefer to use an app to track your cycle be aware that several prominent companies have been accused of selling women’s most personal data. I prefer to track on paper, and when I heard this I was sure to stick with my old-school ways.

JOURNAL

How do you feel and relate to your menstrual cycle? What feelings come up when thinking about it? What do each of these phases feel like for you? How do you (or will you) honor these phases in your daily life? How might you enhance this alignment in the coming weeks and months?

I use lavender essential oil to connect with my cyclical nature and when investigating the insight available to me with this inti‐ mate awareness of my body. Consider applying it before this journal prompt or regularly as you tune into your cyclical nature.

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CYCLE-ALIGNED DATING PLAN:

It is time to integrate this awareness into your Date Yourself Practice. Map out the coming month. Integrate some of these phases into the calendar where appropriate for the remainder of this month and into your next cycle. Based on these phases, review your Turns Me On list and your Dating Ideas. Plan one energetically aligned action for each phase. What that means is a concert or a night out on the town might be great when you are ovulating, but less so when you are in your premenstrual phase. A movie at home might be much more in alignment with your energy that week. Play with it and experiment. Here’s an example of just a few in- synch activities: Day 1-6 Menstruation- (New moon)

Quiet, cook for yourself, eat well, tea, and soup Journaling, drawing Dreaming and intention setting Private Fire ceremony Letting go

Day 7-14 Pre-ovulation- (Crescent moon)

Walk in nature, have a picnic Trying something new- take a risk Envisioning the future, what do you desire Invite a friend out for coffee Connect with people that inspire you

Day 15-21 Ovulation- (Full moon)

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Dancing or fun movement Self-touch practice Fire ceremony with others Concert, or other big and public event

Day 22-28+ Premenstrual- (Waning moon)

Solo activity Something that feels safe, restful and familiar A cozy movie at home Romantic bath, foot massage Read a good book

USE this as a guide and expand on it. Make your list person‐ alized. Go back to the calendar you made in Chapter 4. If you know your cycle, more or less, add in a few corresponding activities that align with your cycle. What can you add/change to make a very personalized and intimate dating plan for yourself this month and next month?

THIS HAS BEEN ONLY the most cursory survey of how your cycle can play into what you like and need. This entire book is about getting more familiar and intimate with yourself, and so the powerful insight available to you through your cyclical nature requires attention. However, this is only the tip of the iceberg. Discovering and applying the wisdom and insight your body holds will unfold for you over time. As mentioned before, by tracking for a full cycle you can get a glimpse of perspective that can be revelatory. For this first month of dating yourself, you

118 DATE YOURSELF may not be able to fully take advantage of this growing awareness, unless you already track your cycle, mood and energy. Never fear. It will reveal itself to you once you are looking for it. Invite this new awareness to the forefront and see what it brings you. It took me three months of tracking my cycle and charting mood and energy before I saw clear patterns. Now, I plan accordingly and it has made all the difference.

NOTE: If you are interested in learning more about this fascinating subject and getting totally geeky, I strongly encourage you to do so. It changed my life! There are incredible resources that dive much deeper into this process. **If you are curious to learn more about how to use your cycle to your advantage, to heal your physical and emotional self. I highly recommend the works of award winning Lucy H. Pearce, Womancraft Publishing, Lisa Lister and Kate Northup’s Do Less. (See Resources for a full reading list).

119 PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER

CHAPTER 10

Just bring your own contents, and you create a sparkle of the highest power. -Anaïs Nin

t is time to reflect and review what we’ve covered I so far. Date Yourself invited you to take a new perspective on your life. We used the external world to guide us to the subtle interior world. We let go of emotional hang ups and decluttered to make space for new possibilities. Curiosity has guided us to a fresh and renewed perspective, as we flirt with your reflection in the mirror. By scheduling our months, we created a safe container for this exploration. You now know that you need structured support while you practice vulnerability. By deconstructing the stories you tell, we reevaluated who we think we are and started to reconstruct our identities, rather than being ruled by the past. In the chapters about communication and love, we took a closer look at our subtle, but powerful and underlying

120 DATE YOURSELF beliefs. Then, we were reacquainted with our potent bodies, and how to integrate the flux and wisdom of our cyclical nature into discovering ourselves more fully.

WHEN THE ORIGINAL bond is formed in romantic relation‐ ships, there is a huge spark. The honeymoon stage! Eventu‐ ally, come inevitable ups and downs, and if you do not lean in and continue to commit, connections fizzle and break down. The same is true with your relationship with yourself. The bond you have forged will not be strengthened if you settle in too early. Never take yourself for granted again or your primary relationship will falter. From here on, we will practice self-trust. We are continu‐ ously reinvesting in a committed relationship with ourselves. Dating yourself is a practice, as we all know by now, which means it needs to be repeated in continuous micro-shifts and from fresh perspectives. You may wander from time to time. Return to your center and let your adventures inform your boundaries and edges. Gently appreciate yourself and all you have experienced with each return. Growth is not linear. Zigzag all the way! The following principles are designed to deepen your blooming relationship with yourself by creating trust from within. Here, you will be honoring your dreams and prac‐ ticing the art of receiving, while cultivating self-sufficiency.

CREATING TRUST

Trust requires vulnerability and authenticity, your willing‐ ness to be seen. The word intimacy (into-me-see) is about allowing your true self to be authentic, vulnerable and trans‐ parent and in this context, most importantly to yourself first. All of the practices thus far have promoted this concept,

121 SIERRA MELCHER inviting you to see yourself for who you really are, not your hopes, nor your fears, but your authentic self. As you continue further into this process, trust will need regular energy and attention.

WE'LL BE GOING into the energetic world. We'll be addressing the dream world (not your nighttime dreams, but your heart’s longing, your soul’s desires). In doing so, we will apply these figurative concepts. I invite you to suspend your hold on reality for a moment, and enter the metaphysical world where anything you can imagine you can make real. I once worked with a client who said, “I can trust when I know for sure.” But knowing and trusting are different animals. Knowing happens in your head. Most of our knowing comes from something that has been proven, demonstrated and requires no faith or trust at all. Quite the contrary. Trust comes from the heart; you must get out of your head. “Prove the existence of God and then I’ll believe;” that is not faith, that is doubt. Faith cannot be “proven”. Trust is metaphysical and refuses to be measured and dissected. Trust is believing in what cannot be seen.

TRUST IS a willing partner and infinitely generous given the right environment. In this chapter, we will explore and culti‐ vate an environment where trust can thrive, by offering space to integrate the previous lessons and clarifying your dreams. We must have trust within ourselves for this dating practice to thrive. You are still and will always be the most important person in your life. It requires that you know yourself better than anyone and that you are in deep commu‐ nication with self regularly.

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122 DATE YOURSELF

JOURNAL Clarissa Pinkola Estés Ph.D. says that the intellect blocks intuition. Without thinking too much, free write for a few minutes on the question:

In what ways do you practice trusting in yourself? In what ways do you reject faith and demand proof?

DREAMING

In this exercise, you will clarify and design your dreams. You will give attention to what we explored earlier: Needs, Desires and Cravings. Here we will circle back around to strengthen your visioning ability.

THE MOMENT I learned about my dreaming capacity will reside in my memory as a turning point for me. Seated in a park with the woman that would become my mentor, she explained her worldview to me and asked me a few questions about myself. Then she asked me, “What are your dreams?” Wild, sun-kissed hair framed her face, wisdom shone in her eyes and she wore her age well, gentle wrinkles like badges of honor. Dr. Onani Carver sat smiling at me in the wake of her question. What are my dreams!? After a moment I stam‐ mered, “I don’t understand the question.” But it was such a straightforward question. I knew all the words. Yet, her ques‐ tion exposed a blatant absence to me. I had nothing. No dreams for my life, nothing for myself. All the desires I could fathom were for others in my life; my dreams revolved around fulfilling my roles “successfully.” It was in that moment that I grasped how disconnected from

123 SIERRA MELCHER myself I had become. That day in the park sent me on a new path. I wanted to be a woman who had dreams as big and bold as her mind was sharp and her heart was generous. I would like to share with you now, skills that I have gathered as I have strengthened my capacity to dream.

DREAMS ARE critical to clarify the direction of your desire. Action is required, too. Not force. But action. Willingness is action. Trust cannot live in dreams alone. Trust and intimacy are created in action and willingness. Here, you will measure your willingness to both offer and receive.

HOWEVER, first the dream needs space to emerge. Once you take notice of a whispering voice communicating with you (which may take a few days), you can begin to be guided by the deep femme nature within you. Then, you can invite the masculine energy of creation to run with it. When I started this practice, I thought, okay, I’ll sit quietly for a few minutes and then I should have ‘the voice’ and I can hop up and get it happening. Like everything else in life, I was ready to smash it out. I can’t tell you how wrong I was. It is not a matter of hours logged or effort exerted, or even books read. Foolishly, I approached dreaming and tuning my intuition the way I approached everything in my life, with force. This is the nature of the hyper-masculine world. From experience, I can assure you that struggle or effort is not how to cultivate your intuitive and dreaming nature. It is in you, in this very moment. Your inner wisdom does not need to be, nor can it be, forced. Your ability to dream and hear your deep guiding desires comes in the quiet softness and arrives with a gentle invitation. We play with this capacity frequently in my women’s circle.

124 DATE YOURSELF

Every dream, every desire is a creation waiting to happen.

Below is a map you can follow to lay a welcoming foun‐ dation for your dreaming capacity. Return to your wanting, desire and craving practice from the beginning of the book. Create a sacred space as you now have practiced. Dip into the suggestions below. This is not a formula. But, this works for me.

1. Journal, sip tea and listen. Just listen. You don’t have to squeeze your intuitive voice out of you. It is like a clam, it opens when you don’t agitate it. 2. Listen. Rest. Listen. Rest. Listen and journal a bit. 3. Vision board. (Draw and collage your desires and dreams). 4. Draw, sketch, cook, rest.

ALTERNATIVELY, maybe your intuition is strongest in the exhaustion that follows exhilaration. Some of my clients find calm, clarity and connection with their dreaming desire after a fierce mountain run or a night of jubilant dancing. Sweaty and clear. I, on the other hand, am a sloth in human clothes so the slow pace works for me. Both methods are ways of completely letting go, dropping the pretense and surrender‐ ing. Only you can know which is right for you. Experiment and see what you find. For this to work you need to be ready to listen. This is where your trust is most needed. Remain open to any message (in the form of words, thoughts, feelings, colors, emotions). This is what Clarissa Pinkola Estés meant by intellect blocking intuition, if your rational mind is overac‐

125 SIERRA MELCHER tive you can disregard and reject these arising whispers before you even notice them. When your dreams first emerge, they are like tender sprouts, fragile and eager. If you can allow your desires to take root they will grow strong of their own volition. In these early stages, they can also be trampled and cut down by doubt, judgement, and fear. Tending to dreams can require discipline and attention. Getting out of your own way requires mindfulness and subtle focus.

WHEN YOU ARE READY, gently take your tender sprouted idea, your vision, your dream or your nudge into the world. This is an active phase that embodies a more masculine energy. As mentioned at the beginning of this chapter, simply being willing is an act in itself. Allowing a dream to germinate and grow is an intentional process. Doing so is fierce and brave, even if it doesn’t feel like much yet. Usually, I have one of two reactions to dreaming time. Either I settle into the cocoon of the quiet, introspective part of the process and resist moving on to the active engagement as long as I can. Or, the opposite urge strikes me, and I want to launch it, as is, out into the universe because I am so sure it will revolutionize the world… but this is the fastest way to kill a young dream. In a course about using our menstrual and moon cycles to harness creativity, Lisa Lister taught me to “contain expo‐ sure.” This means just because you have tuned in to a dream, does not mean you should launch the business the next day or immediately post your idea for the whole world to see. Resist the 21st century urge to share your every thought on the largest platform you have access to. It is hard not to trample your own tender ideas. When we let excitement run, we share too widely and there is always someone eager to

126 DATE YOURSELF tear your dream to shreds, even if they mean well. A simple question like, “are you sure you want that?” or a sarcastic, “yeah, good luck with that” can be enough to stifle your dreaming. For this reason, I encourage you to share your dreams intentionally and with restraint, only to the chosen special few, and not until they’re fully grown. Your dreams deserve nurturance. In our excitement, we can destroy them before they have had a chance.

CAN you think of a moment where you were overeager and a simple comment took the wind out of your sails and made you doubt yourself?

IN MANY CULTURES throughout Asia and Latin America, as far back as Biblical times and earlier, the cuarentena’s, the first forty days after a baby is born, is considered a sacred, quiet time to nurture and form the bond between a mother and child. It is only after that time that some women even leave the house with the child. This may seem extreme to us in the western world, but you don’t have to go to spinning class the day after giving birth. Let’s have that same gentle patience with our dreams too, once we give them space to be born from us. Gentle patience can demand a lot of energy and focus, and your dreams are worth it!

THE ART OF RECEIVING:

Balance makes our lives larger and imbalance makes our lives smaller -Clarissa Pinkola Estés Ph.D

127 SIERRA MELCHER

Trust and dreaming require an energy exchange. Most women are good at giving, to the point of being out of balance which looks passive aggressive at times. We build our roles and identity on how well we care for others. Then, we can feel uncomfortable receiving, but often become resentful when it doesn’t happen. To be a good lover and responsible for this one life of ours, we must recover our ability to receive and balance our own energies.

REST IS vital for balancing energies to dream, how you rest will determine how restorative it will be. There are certainly nights when all I can do is watch Netflix. I can admit to this, and also recognize that this behavior is not truly rest. Some‐ times, a walk in the woods is more restful than lying on the couch. What rest really means is a fresh perspective, a mirac‐ ulous shift for both mind and body. If rest means sleep, because you haven’t slept, then sleep. If it means cooking a home cooked meal, that can be more restful than going out again.

How do you rest best? When was the last time you allowed a genuine restful interlude without guilt or judgement? What if I told you that your ability to rest and receive was directly correlated to your ability to have what you want in your life? Does that fly in the face of everything that you have learned? Do you believe that if you want something you have to go out and get it? If resting and receiving is a prerequisite for your dream-life, can you find a fresh perspective and craft a story about your life that holds genuine grace for this form of self-nurturance?

128 DATE YOURSELF

WHY IS REST the focus of a section about receiving? Many of us have been giving from an empty well for so long, we have forgotten what it feels like to be full, to be nourished, to receive. Rest is something you can offer yourself, and you can choose to allow it as the most generous act. Was your Turns Me On list a struggle? Are you comfortable receiving in any context? Similarly, it is only when you are rested and allow yourself to be quiet that you can gain clarity on your dreams and desires. Resting and realigning are essential components.

JOURNAL

Have you ever chased a dream only to arrive and realize that it was never truly your dream? This is what happens when we are disconnected from our internal landscape. Have you ever wanted something, but resisted acting? Or relied on external guidance and talked yourself out of a dream before even trying?

If you are more comfortable giving rather than receiving, you yourself are severing your dreaming capacity. As we have seen before, how we treat ourselves teaches others how to treat us. It is self-perpetuating. How you offer kindness to others is how you want to receive, but when you are not offering anything to yourself, nor allowing others to care for you, your energy will be drained. It is inevitable. Easy enough to see in others, more challenging to see and revise within ourselves. This is one of the Catch 22’s we explore and unravel in women’s circle.

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DREAMING IN-TUNE WITH YOUR CYCLICAL RHYTHM

Since aligning with the natural rhythms and cycles of my body and feminine nature, I have come to gain insight from my menstrual cycle and the moon. I use these reminders to practice rest, since culturally I learned to be a perpetual care- giver and productive machine. Rest is a radical departure from much of my life. Certainly in the beginning when we are at the point of exhaustion, resting may actually take several days or longer. Seeing as your period lasts for a few days and the new moon is dark in the night sky for at least three or four nights, that’s a pretty clear sign of how long you need to rest and listen. Follow your moon or your cycle to create a regular resting cycle.

THIS IS an ideal time for your dreaming practice. Once you are hearing the whisper and seeing the shape of your dreams, then take a few more days to digest the nudge. For me, this still feels like an eternity, but when I honor this timeline I am potent and productive. When I rush this step, I prematurely build something and either 1) I run out of steam before I finish or 2) I run in the wrong direction and have to start all over the next month. I strongly urge you to practice resting and receiving with wild patience here. *This rhythm is not always written in stone, you might get struck by inspiration at another time, but your cycle is a template for learning to play with your creative dreaming tendencies. To me, rest still seems devilishly rebellious and futile. It activates a part of me that I must have inherited genetically from my puritan ancestors. Rest is so difficult and uncom‐

130 DATE YOURSELF fortable for me, yet I do it anyway with an unwavering commitment to my dreams.

“YES, THANK YOU” PRACTICE

Rest is a practice of receiving kindness yourself, but the olympic gold of receiving is allowing others to offer kind‐ ness. It requires two willing participants to receive. I learned this the hard way, for years feeling that no one did anything for me, until I noticed how fiercely I fended off even the smallest gesture. I refused to allow anyone to carry a bag of groceries for me, even when I was overburdened. For years, I closed myself off to the possibility of receiving. No one was allowed to help me. This further drained my energy and fueled my story that no one cared about me.

THERE IS MUCH MORE to unpack about worthiness, as we have explored already, but try this small practice for the next few days and see how it feels. (See the experiment tracking tool on my website1).

1. Notice where you reject support, help or even the smallest kindness. Watch for offers and see how you react. 2. Once you have noticed some gesture you refuse, or maybe one person you deny, consider an experiment: 3. For three days, watch and listen carefully to yourself. 4. When any offer is issued, no matter how small, try accepting it.

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5. Say, “Yes, thank you.” no matter how uncomfortable it feels. 6. This is just an experiment. As such, you need to record data. Record the observations at the beginning and during the process to determine where you are blocking. Each day make notes about what you experience and how it feels. Practice witness consciousness. 7. At the end of three days, review your notes and come to a conclusion. If this experiment isn’t conclusive, try again and widen the scope.

Your capacity to be a loving partner to yourself requires both aspects of the art of receiving (receiving from self and from others). Play with it and see what can be awakened and what can be softened.

THE LESSONS from this chapter will not be in full bloom right away. The intention to integrate all these practices and to balance your vital creative energy is a process in itself. Allow this to be the planting of the seed. Don’t be an impatient gardener. We are building a container of trust that will support you as you flourish, if you allow it.

THE IMPATIENT GARDENER, Poem by Sierra Melcher (Abridged)

Forgetting what a gardener does: On hands and knees you dig your trough And one by one, or in handfuls you cast your seed. Cover them over, water and wait.

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That is the most important step, And one I always forget, Because I am an impatient gardener. …And then wait

And wait. Weed, water and Wait.

I thought I planted herbs, but maybe I am growing oaks. I’m waiting. Someday they may replace the sky.

YOU ARE the person who deserves your highest regard and the bulk of your attention. The date yourself practice is just that, it is a practice. With time it can become a routine and a habit. Eventually, it could even become your new normal. Your primary relationship is always with yourself even when you are in a romantic relationship with another person. Too often we wander from our center when we meet and fall in love with someone else. This is the epitome of the exter‐ nal/internal split. Many of us give up all internal devotion and personal growth, in the face of a romantic partner. It is like a vortex that we can easily get swept up in. Remember, your first priority is always to yourself. The next chapter looks at how to continue to date yourself while in the context of a romantic relationship.

133 DATE YOURSELF IN A RELATIONSHIP

CHAPTER 11

In youth, it was a way I had, To do my best to please. And change, with every passing lad To suit his theories. But now I know the things I know And do the things I do, And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you. -Dorothy Parker

y now, you have gained a clear sense of how you can date yourself and how you can dedicate time Band energy to your needs, wants and desires. But, do you have to be single to date yourself? When you enter into a relationship, or if you are already in one, are all bets off?

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Can you be fully with yourself, maintain your identity, honor and be true to your needs while in partnership with another person? Or, because of its very nature, must you give up part of yourself? While compromise is a component of all relationships, who is compromising? Do you have a clear sense of what is beyond compromise, what is sacred? In my conversations with women, a common phrase I hear is, “I lose myself in relationships.” That is a powerful statement! Not only do you lose a commitment to yourself, but oftentimes you lose a sense of your identity. Women especially, due to lifetimes of socialization, contort them‐ selves to fit into what is available. This begs the question, how can we date ourselves while in a relationship?

A TRUE STORY of Dating Yourself in a Relationship A member of Sisterhood has generously allowed me to interview her in depth on this topic. Here is her story.

MAR WAS MARRIED for 23 years and she wasn’t happy. She married at the age of 26. “I had left home at 16 and had been

135 SIERRA MELCHER living on my own for a decade.” She was mature and indepen‐ dent for a woman of her age. In retrospect, she sees

I was seeking a sense of security. I found a relationship that I recognized. It matched the definition of love I was raised with, which was a lot of criticism and hearing ‘you’re not good enough.’ I essentially married my mother. I lost myself entirely, again. I weighed 250 pounds to defend what I was doing to myself by staying in that marriage. When I first noticed I wanted out, my kids were 9. They were my adopted step-kids. I didn't want to lose the relationship with them, so I stayed until they were grown, to cement a relationship with them. When I was pushed into finally taking responsibility, I chose to separate. I had a ‘Who am I?’ meltdown. It had been easy to focus on what he did wrong. I played a big role, too. There was a lot I was responsible for. My divorce was either an opportunity to hide or to open the closet and confront the monsters.”

She spent several years after her divorce dating herself. She is a date yourself magician, creating new perceptions and reinventing herself. Her friends say she can make lemonade out of dirt. How did she face the monsters?

I asked for help. I hired a therapist and a coach. I joined a sisterhood women’s circle and took ayahuasca. It was a scary and brave process, where I fell in love with myself along the way. I went looking for the uglies and found the beauty. The judgement I had of others was

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rooted in a deep judgement of myself. I discovered and cultivated a deep compassion within myself. I am still working on me. It is a practice. I got inspired one day on a park bench in Cartagena, Colombia to write out and declare to the universe what I want. Now, I make it a regular practice. I check off the list. ‘Yep, got that.’ And I revise earlier desires. ‘Nope. I don’t want that anymore.’ The only constant now is: ‘There are things that I want and they matter!’

After spending two years single, completely devoted to herself, getting to know her body, dancing alone at night in her apartment, she was a new woman, a new version of herself. She was becoming a brave and curious woman, worthy of love, from herself and others. The night before meeting a group of girlfriends to cele‐ brate her 50th birthday in Mexico, she met a man.

I changed my plans. I said ‘yes’ to a relationship that didn't make sense. I am glad I did. But I wasn’t paying enough attention — until I discovered that I was resenting that we had both made it all about him. A great question I need to repeat regularly is, Is there room in my relationship for me to pay attention to what I want and need? I am taking space now to reset and realign. I have learned that I need an internal tune-up from time to time. I am still not sure how to do that when we are together. It is a practice. I am aware of the reality of compromise in relationships. I don’t have a secret sauce.

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Without all that time alone after my divorce, I could be in a relationship now, but I couldn't be in a healthy and compassionate relationship, with space for my partner to grieve the death of his wife. I couldn't be confident in who I am. I couldn't be in a relationship and willing to leave and let all this greatness go if it no longer has space for me and my desires.

I asked her to share any wisdom or insight she had.

Alignment. I am conscious. I notice icky behavior in myself, for example, being snarky, drinking too much, not going to yoga, being nitpicky, harboring resentment, being sluggish or avoiding socializing with dear friends. These behaviors indicate that I am out of alignment. Then, seeking comfort in other healthier ways. Or, seeking the source of discomfort and fixing it. I ask myself, ‘Why am I resorting to this behavior?’ It’s wildly uncomfortable to go straight to the root.

THIS STORY SERVES to illustrate the struggles and real life of living and loving. It is not one-size-fits-all nor is it fool proof. The remainder of this chapter will present a few ideas and some final tools for whether you are already in a rela‐ tionship or hope to someday be.

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BUILDING A NEW SCHEMA

Dating yourself is a revolution in self-care and comes with a slew of new concepts and practices, a new way of thinking about ourselves and others. As we extend this concept to include other people, we must chart new territory. We are going to build a schema together, which is a new mental model. With a fresh lens, you can maintain your primary relationship as a priority, while creating space for another person, as well.

IMAGINE that you are in a polyamorous relationship, where there are more than the two traditional partners of a couple. In gender normative roles, we carry with us a ton of expecta‐ tions about ourselves and our partner. Polyamory is tailor- made to accommodate all the actual individuals and the needs of all members of the relationship.

YOU NEED to make room for your relationship with yourself, with your partner, and space for your partner to have his/her own primary relationship. You need language to build those spaces, so that you aren't cheating on yourself to be with your partner (or cheating on your partner to be with your‐ self). People in relationships need to know where they stand and find the capacity to communicate and negotiate along the way. You’ll need to feel safe and validated, yet allowed the freedom to explore your primary relationship. Yes, this requires work.

WE LOSE ourselves and neglect our personal needs in rela‐ tionships. Any relationship that is neglected withers and

139 SIERRA MELCHER breeds resentment. Identify and nurture all needs. Negotiate and communicate.

TAILOR-MADE RELATIONSHIP What your arrangements will be, is for you to determine. What I can offer are some great guidelines. A friend in a polyamorous relationship describes her experience metaphorically. She calls her relationship a “Subway Sandwich Relationship”, where every element is negotiable and needs to be discussed. Rather than, for exam‐ ple, in a heterosexual monogamous relationship assuming certain elements are “normal”, and going into the relation‐ ship full of assumptions without being clear about roles, expectations, etc., like just ordering a sandwich…and having it come as it comes, only to think “Damn, I don’t like tuna, and who put jalapeños on this? But, I sure am hungry. I guess I’ll eat it.”

DESIGN your own relationship like ordering a Subway sand‐ wich. Every element and detail needs to be discussed and navigated.

THE FIRST BOOK I read about polyamory was The Ethical Slut. It is fairly dated at this point, but I found the section about communicating all the variables to be useful and inspira‐ tional. Another more modern resource about nontraditional gender roles and relationships are the writings of Lola Phoenix found on Medium. And Sex at Dawn is a must read. Esther Perel’s, Mating in Captivity, can help those interested in navigating more “traditional” relationships.

• • •

140 DATE YOURSELF

PREREQUISITES FOR DATING YOURSELF WHILE IN A RELA‐ TIONSHIP

Priorities: Know your own priorities. If you value the relationship above yourself, it may swallow you whole. Communication: Be willing to have many conversations and countless uncomfortable ones. *See Having Difficult Conversations, below. You are creating a relationship that has never existed before. There is no rule book until you make one; there is no “normal.” You need to negotiate every detail and discuss every element. Willingness: In order to navigate something that may not match the picture book version of your life you have been relying on, you need to be willing to adjust. Willing Partner: Your partner needs to be on the same page, dating themselves and clear about priorities, as well as committed to communication. None of the above can exist if you are dragging a partner. If one person wants to be polyamorous, and the other doesn’t, eventually it becomes cheating and will likely erode the relationship. Space to be yourself: Maintain your identity, and set aside time with and for yourself.

HAVING DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS

The following has been the single most used tool I have shared with clients, in a wide variety of situations. Communication is vital. Oftentimes, the people we value the most are the hardest

141 SIERRA MELCHER to talk with about the most essential elements of life. This is an alternative to the Ho’oponopono reconciliation practice refer‐ enced in Chapter 2. This is thorough and may appeal to you for its specific steps. Consider it a new tool in your tool belt.

CLARITY WITHIN SELF Part I: How does this situation, as it is, serve me? Before having a difficult conversation with another person, it will benefit you to contemplate and journal on the following questions.

What is happening now? What are my fears? What stories am I making up about this situation? Where can I take responsibility? How am I responsible for contributing to this? How does this situation, as it is, serve me? What do I want to create?

HAVING Uncomfortable Conversations *This is a practice I teach my clients and was originally inspired by Jillian Pedrick and the work of Thich Nhat Hanh in Creating True Peace. Once you are clear on you, your role and how you have benefited, and contributed to the situations then and only then are you ready for this next step. For this process to work you also need a willing partner. If you are attempting this with someone who is not open, I caution you. But if you have a willing companion be sure to agree on deep listening, without interrupting, allowing the first person to speak from the depths of their heart. *The use of a talking piece can be

142 DATE YOURSELF helpful. A talking piece is any physical object that can be handed back and forth from speaker to speaker to ensure each person has the floor until they have finished speaking and been fully heard, without being cut off.

MAKING THE FIRST MOVE: The first step is to schedule a conversation. Too many times the first step is a misstep and dooms the process. I can think of too many times when a difficult conversation was sprung on me, or I dropped a big conversa‐ tion on someone else with zero warning. This gets people defensive and is the death knell to any productive vulnerable discourse. Don’t skip this first step. I find something as direct as this works well:

You are important to me. We need to talk about some potentially uncomfortable stuff. I am willing to have uncomfortable conversations because I value this relationship. When are you available?”

Preparation: What do you want out of this conversation? (If you have done the reflection from Part I, you have already considered this. If not go back and do it before the conversation & share these questions with your person.) Vulnerability: I still struggle with communicating about the stuff that feels raw. I stumble any time I feel I might say something that throws me back into my earlier paradigm where anything I say or do could make me unforgivably repulsive. However, I am getting better at this: better at speaking my truth,

143 SIERRA MELCHER honoring and naming my feelings, hearing others out and not fully shutting down. I think of it in terms of investing in the conversation to reinvest in the relationship. If it didn’t matter, the conversa‐ tion wouldn’t be hard. Try saying, “You matter to me and that is why I am having this conversation and it’s not easy.” When I am unwilling or unable to have this critical conversations the distance and isolation grows in the relationship. Remember that while the moment may be awkward the result will be a stronger foundation. Alternatively, what do you risk by remaining silent and avoiding the conversation? Gratitude: What are you grateful or appreciative for in regards to this person or situation? Finding lessons and gifts in hard‐ ship has become my thing. For years it was not. Be clear, from the outset, on what you have to learn and how you are growing.

STAGES OF DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS: Share this with your person(s) so you are all working with one framework. I think of it as a love, or at least appreciation sandwich. I think, what would I need in order to hear something uncomfortable to let it in, and move forward? I would need to feel safe, loved, heard and supported. Keep this in mind as you move forward.

1. Express appreciation, love, and respect: We create the safety by starting with what we value in the other person. This sets the foundation and reminds us the purpose of the conversation. Additionally, this encourages participants to embody those qualities. (It is a sandwich so we will

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do this again at the end. There is no such thing as too much love, especially when times are tough.) 2. Express regret: Here we own our part. You got clarity on that in the preparation in Part I. What we have done, said or not done that might have caused the other person pain? This is not easy, and it is vital. Acknowledging how we contributed to the situation and seeing how that impacted another person prepares and tempers the next stage. 3. Express hurt: Now it is time to share where you are hurting (note: if angry, blaming or criticizing you will likely trigger a defensive response.) Be mindful of your words here. Notice if you slip into accusing rather than simply sharing your feelings. Deep listening and not being interrupted in this part is critical. If you need to pause to gather yourself return to your breath, bring an open heart and your partner can support you by following your breath. 4. Express direction: In this part, express both how you will bring new direction to your own behavior (what did you learn and how can you apply and integrate that) and also request a new approach for your companion try. Here is where you ask for what you need. This is the time to communicate boundaries and edges. 5. Express appreciation, love and care: Repeat the practice in #1, but use different items. 6. Switch: Allow the other person to communicate their full sandwich of feelings: steps 1-5 again.

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CLOSING A HARD CONVERSATION IS IMPORTANT. Repetition can be helpful. “You are important to me and so I am willing to have uncomfortable conversations.” Practicing communicating about relatively minor issues helps build communication skills and increases the ease of this practice. Remember the relationship you are in is constructed by what you do and don’t do, as much as around what you say and don’t say. You are co-creating something, and, as such, are just as gifted to alter it as needed. You are now in it, my dear; you are committed to you and you have invited another person in. There will be bumps in the road, in fact, those are essential and helpful for building bonds, as well as evoking your power to manifest something that hopefully fulfills you in some way. This is spectacular. Loving relationships among humans are some of the most precious gifts this life has to offer. You are lucky to experience one or more. Remember to make decisions from your center of trust and love, forged from deep within, and allow your life to unfurl, enjoying the twists and turns along the way.

TOOLS FOR DATING yourself in a relationship

Alone-time: “Me Date”, without partner. Realignment, inner tune-up, as Mar calls it. Tool Kit: Review all the tools you have read about and practiced thus far. Make a recipe that has served you. Like Jessica shared in her story, choose the elements that support you. Practice Communication: Have hard conversations within the partnership, especially when not in crisis, to strengthen the skill for when you need it the most.

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WHETHER YOU ARE in a romantic relationship at the time of reading, or choose to pursue one in the future, remember that your first commitment must be to yourself. No partner can fill the fundamental spaces for you, only you can do that. Return to these practices as needed and keep in mind that when maintaining a relationship with another person, you deserve as much energy as you devote to them. Make sure you are at the top of your list. Honestly, prioritizing your primary relationship is the best thing you can do for your rela‐ tionship with your partner!

FROM ALL THE threads presented in the previous chapters, you are going to be weaving your own unique tapestry that will keep you warm on the long nights. The last chapter is about how to honor all that you have done so far and inte‐ grate it into the woman you are becoming, the woman you are falling in love with.

147 SOUL CONTRACT

Anyone who falls in love is searching for the missing pieces of themselves. -Haruki Murakami

BE THOSE MISSING PIECES FOR YOURSELF.

re you ready to take this up a notch? You have been A dating yourself for at least thirty days. The next challenge is to make a permanent commitment to yourself. You won’t suddenly be different, be in love with yourself or live happily ever after. That only happens in the movies. Rather, the task is a meaningful commitment to remain curi‐ ous: to look for the lovable within yourself, to continue on the road you have laid, to devote energy and attention to yourself regularly.

ALL THE PRACTICES contained here have been designed to support you, to nurture fecund, safe space. You must main‐

148 DATE YOURSELF tain a healthy container in all aspects, both externally in your physical form, also internally and energetically. Health is a prerequisite. In survival mode, I can’t devote energy to expansion because I am focused solely on healing. In order to guard my energy and maintain my health so that I can thrive, I use a blend of essential oils called Thieves to boost my immunity, to ensure I have energy to devote to my inner landscape. You have been in this your whole life, and you will be in it for the rest of your life. How you choose to relate with your‐ self from here on out is up to you. What you have accom‐ plished this month is tremendous. Remember, meaningful change does not happen overnight. Even the simplest habits take time to become solid patterns. What you are doing is immense. Imagine what you can create if you commit now to consistently and perpetually treating yourself with the love and attention you deserve!

TAKE a moment to really allow the possibility to dance across your imagination.

WHAT DO you need to commit to practicing this for the rest of your life? We are familiar with the marriage as a symbol of lifelong relationship; what might that look like for you in your primary relationship? I will not tell you when or how you must do this. It will only be meaningful when you choose this for yourself. When you are ready to marry your‐ self, to make it official, here are the tools you will need.

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MAKING A SOUL CONTRACT

Proposal: Sketch out the relationship you want to invoke

What invitation will you make for yourself going forward? What is the nature of the relationship you want with yourself from here on out? Clarify your boundaries and your edges. What does cheating on yourself look like?

CONNECT WITH THE COMMUNITY: Let us be a part of your process. You made it this far. Celebrate and share with the world. #Dateyourselfbook

WRITE YOUR OWN VOWS:

Based on your proposal and ideal relationship with yourself, draft your vows. You can use the traditional formula or let inspiration guide you.

What do you commit to? How will you promise to treat yourself? What needs to be said out loud to solidify this promise?

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REMAKING THE CONCEPT OF SOULMATE

There is room in your life for the companionship and love of another, but you are your own most vital compatriot. You are your soul’s mate. This is a chance for you to give voice to the love you are developing for yourself. Write yourself a song, a poem, or paint a picture, choreograph a dance. Whatever expression speaks to you.

ONCE UPON A TIME, I wrote my own manifesto. It was cathar‐ tic, empowering and served as a light to guide my path forward. Here is mine:

I hereby declare, by the power vested in me, by my God, the lightning and the universe, that my life will serve to benefit others. As a teacher, a woman, a healer, a mother and a friend, I will bring the lessons I have learned to fruition to nourish others. I will practice what I preach and when I cannot, I will be silent. I will practice kindness and gentleness with myself. Daily, I will nurture my body and my spirit as my greatest treasures; I will lavish myself with loving care that previously was allotted only to dear friends, pets and lovers. I will ask for what I need from others and from the world, for I know that asking for something yields the greatest potential for receiving it. I will live gently on the Earth, paying attention to my choices and their impact. And I will love.

I will be open to and reflective of love in the world, sharing that gift of appreciation and symbiosis. I

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will embrace the courage to be who I am, under all circumstances and under any conditions. From there, I will love myself and be able to love all and any in return. With a confident and well-tended heart, I will grow the strength to be vulnerable and the willingness to be imperfect in a world of increasing expectations. I will practice devotion, gratitude and kindness. I will practice unyielding appreciation for the gifts, physical and metaphysical, bestowed upon me and earned. And, in every way possible I will cultivate and nurture a passion to live gently, a desire to be honest and a practice of curiosity, first within myself, and then in individuals and societies.

WRITE YOUR OWN MANIFESTO. What can you declare for yourself? What promise and commitment can you make? Invoke your highest truth and channel your soul’s devotion. This is a powerful exercise. Do it now, or schedule it for later this week.

PLAN YOUR CEREMONY:

How do you want to honor this commitment? Who is invited to this magic transformative promise?

All by yourself? Your dearest friends? Witnesses to help you honor and keep this promise to yourself?

Where do you want to be to make this commitment?

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On an ocean cliff at sunset? Your backyard? Under the covers during a thunderstorm?

How will you make it sacred?

Ceremony, ritual An altar to celebrate and honor Music, food, dress accordingly

THIS IS A CELEBRATION. You have come a long way, baby, and deserve to celebrate and acknowledge that. How will you make and honor the energy you have devoted this month to yourself? You don’t have to go full out for it to be of value. How can you invite more of this? What three practices from this book can you commit to into the future to allow this to fully integrate and become your new normal?

1. ______2. ______3. ______

I WISH you all the best in the coming weeks and months. Please accept this book as a gift to invite you deeper into yourself and to become more intimate, understanding and in better communication with the most important person you will ever know, yourself!

KEEP READING.

153 POSTSCRIPT

ith “wild patience” W I can’t end it there. Too many stories end with a wedding, either saying or implying that “...they lived happily ever after.” This narrative arch furthers the creation of a warped perception of what it means for something to be “done”, which, in turn, leads us to feel miserable when we don’t achieve this impossible ideal.

I WANT to rewrite every fairytale, so that each one starts with “Once upon a Tuesday,” and ends with “...and they had some good times.” Since giving birth to my daughter, I have become highly sensitive to the power of repeated messages. I wish I could protect her from the fantasy of “happily ever after”. Almost every woman I have ever met has been hobbled by this insidious message one way or another. I don’t want to be part of the perpetuation of this debilitating message because it sets false expectations. We have plenty to celebrate and enjoy, but against the impossible backdrop of seeking a “happily ever after”, we are inevitably disappointed.

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• • •

THE COMMITMENT you made is valuable and powerful. But, that alone is not enough. Remember, the real work starts after the wedding. There is no “happily ever after” here. Think of it more like “and you lived and learned and lived some more ever after.”

I LOVE YOU. I extend myself for the purpose of nurturing my own AND your spiritual growth, in all its messy and awkward glory.

*NOTE: Reserve a space for another person and for an ideal rela‐ tionship, if you want that someday. Today is not the day to make that your focus, but allow for a space to remain open for the possi‐ bility. Chapter 11 plants the seed for how to both date yourself and honor the connection possible with another person.

FOR THE PRESENT, stay focused on your personal process. Give yourself the time you deserve. The 30-day challenge represents an introduction to how you can be with yourself in a loving manner. But you need more time to chart your cycle, to integrate what you’ve learned and practice deep‐ ening the principles presented in these pages.

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THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS are designed for after you have spent enough time dating yourself to feel really comfortable with each of the concepts outlined here, not a moment sooner:

ONLY WHEN YOU ARE READY…BUT not yet

How will you introduce yourself, flirt and get to know someone differently? What tools of communication can you integrate? How and when will you create trust, practice vulnerability and explore the art of receiving? How do you date another human differently now that you have dated yourself, and made a soul contract? What else is possible? What are you ready to create in your life?

156 LEAVE A REVIEW

The greatest compliment you can give an author is a book review. Please take 2 minutes and leave a genuine review of Date Yourself on Amazon. Click to leave your review https://www.amazon.com/Sierra- Melcher/e/B085LM5WZR

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RESOURCES

DATE YOURSELF JOURNAL

Download the Journal that accompanies this book. If you prefer to buy a physical copy it is available now on Amazon.

159 RESOURCES

BOOK CLUB READING GUIDE

*Remember, there is a reading group for this book and these prac‐ tices. Sharing your experience with other understanding individ‐ uals can be revelatory. Or host a reading group amongst friends. Download the reading guide. 1You don’t have to do this alone.

CONNECT & SHARE YOUR DATE YOURSELF STORIES

Join the community thousands of women trust or reach out to me. Connect with a community of women from around the world dedicated to remaking their relationship with themselves & transforming their lives in the process.

CONNECT WITH THE COMMUNITY: Share your experience, reviews, and process with the community of other readers2. Use hashtags to connect: #dateyourselfbook #dateyourselfchallenge #dateyourselffirst

Or write to me directly at [email protected] I’d be thrilled to hear your stories. Truly.

160 RESOURCES

WOMEN’S CIRCLE: INTEGRAL WOMEN SISTERHOOD

There’s a community women trust that was designed to support, guide and shift their lives from feeling unseen, unheard and misunderstood to feeling connected, celebrated and supported. How much can your life be different if you had a struc‐ tured consistent space to prioritize time for yourself? My women’s circle is a sacred space held regularly to support women nurture this vital relationship, the primary relationship. Click to Join the waitlist Art Credit: Tarn Ellis

161 RESOURCES

RECOMMENDED READING LIST

All About Love: New Visions, by bell hooks A Literate Passion: Letters of Anaïs Nin & Henry Miller: 1932–1953, by Anaïs Nin A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles", by Marianne Williamson The Beauty Myth: How Images of Beauty Are Used Against Women, by Naomi Wolf Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone, by Brené Brown Burning Woman, by Lucy H. Pearce Code Red: know your flow, unlock your monthly super powers and create a bloody amazing life. Period., by Lisa Lister Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, by Brené Brown Do Less: A Revolutionary Approach to Time and Energy Management for Ambitious Women, by Kate Northup The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love, by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton The 5 Love Languages, by Doctor Gary Chapman Love Your Lady Landscape: Trust Your Gut, Care for 'Down There' and Reclaim Your Fierce and Feminine SHE Power, by Lisa Lister Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, by Esther Perel Moon Time: Harness the ever-changing energy of your menstrual cycle, by Lucy H. Pearce Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, by Brené Brown Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships, by Christopher Ryan, Cacilda Jetha, et al.

162 RESOURCES

Women Who Run with the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype, by Clarissa Pinkola Estés

163

NOTES

INTRODUCTION

1. Download your Journal https://integral-women.mykajabi. com/pl/236078

1. YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE

1. Double-slit experiment: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double-slit_ex‐ periment 2. Join our facebook community https://www.facebook.com/ groups/IntegralWomenHeartSisters 3. Essential Oils: Be sure to read up on the recommended uses and precau‐ tions of essential oils, if you are new to them. Essential Oils can be supportive tools of concentrated plant essence. They are powerful tools to enhance your mental, physical and spiritual process. Be sure to only use the highest quality from sources you trust. 4. Journal download https://integral-women.mykajabi.com/pl/236078

2. BREAKING UP

1. Date Yourself Book Club & Reading Guide https://www. facebook.com/DateYourselfTheBook 2. https://holisticprimarycare.net/topics/reflections/neuroacoustics-the- healing-power-of-sound-2/ 3. Befriend your Beasties: Visit my blog for a guided video practice (18min) where I walk you through this process, step-by-step. https://integral- women.mykajabi.com/blog/beasties 4. The suicide prevention lifeline: when it is more than self-care you need. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

4. FLIRTING TO DATING

1. Journal Download https://integral-women.mykajabi.com/pl/236078

165 NOTES

5. IDENTITY AND THE STORIES WE TELL

1. Invite your Mythic Life: Need a little inspiration? Read a few examples and watch the 9 min video on my blog. https://integral-women. mykajabi.com/blog/MythicLife

6. COMMUNICATION

1. Befriend your Beasties: Visit my blog where I walk you through this process, step-by-step in a guided video practice (18min) https://integral-women.mykajabi.com/blog/beasties

7. L.O.V.E

1. Download the Journal https://integral-women.mykajabi.com/pl/236078 2. The 5 Love Languages Quiz https://www.5lovelanguages.com/ 3. https://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/13/style/the-36-questions-on-the- way-to-love.html

9. DATING YOUR CYCLE

1. Chart your cycle in the pages in the Journal download and watch the video tutorial https://integral-women.mykajabi.com/ blog/cycletool

10. PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER

1. Yes, Thank You” Experiment Tracking Tool https://integral-women.mykajabi.com/blog/yesthankyou

RESOURCES

1. Download the Book Club Reading Guide: https://integral-women.myka‐ jabi.com/blog/DYSbookclub 2. Connect with the community of other readers https://www.facebook.‐ com/groups/IntegralWomenHeartSisters

166 ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

As I now know so well, every book is a team effort. This book was born all at once and yet took forever. The idea came to me in a flash and poured out of me in just a few days. But the book you hold in your hands is far from that original draft. I wonder if they would even be recognizable as being related.

An incredible team of people had the vision and the patience to support it in-between, without whom it might still be gestating, or more realistically, just be another file on my hard drive that never got a chance. I am beyond grateful to each person who was part of the pre-order campaign in May 2019. Your faith in me and this book fueled me to make it real. This book is dedicated to you.

Thank you to Greta Murphy who helped me shape it the first time around. Your feedback, wisdom and skill are the back bone of this book. To my second editor, F.K. it has been an honor to let you into my mind and heart as we took this book to another level. I am grateful for your professional expertise and your friendship. To my mom who has always been my editor in a pinch and has witnessed first hand how a jumbled mess can, with enough rewrites, and usually in the eleventh hour, actually turn into something pretty good.

I want to thank the women who have sat with me in Women’s Circles and shared their raw selves so beautifully. Every day you teach me about the human spirit and the depths of what is possible. To my clients that helped me draw this material out of them, especially the women who graciously shared their stories, Mar, Emma & Jessica. And deep eternal thanks to my team who have been my beta- readers, cheerleaders and butt-kickers, each when the occa‐ sion called for it. Finally, I want to thank the authors and experts that reviewed my book. I am so appreciative of the time and generosity you offered me. Equally, I am also grateful for the women who said no and honored their boundaries.

Writing a book is a monumental feat. Publishing a book is another animal entirely. Both are deep soul work. I am stronger for the effort and I hope the book offers you a gift or lights a way in a moment of darkness.

ABOUT THE IMAGES IN THIS BOOK:

I had a lot of fun on Canva. All images were sourced or made using this fun program. ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Sierra Melcher is a Personal Fulfillment Advisor and Empowerment coach, best-selling author and international speaker. She supports female leaders and change-makers to flourish, accelerating their personal development so they can have more fulfillment, impact and ease. She teaches a unique proven method of self-empowerment that fuses science and spirituality. As a sought-after thought leader to a community of several thousand she uses humor and empathy as essential tools, because transformation doesn’t have to be hard. She works with clients globally.

She has a Master’s degree in education and has taught around the world. As founder of Integral Women, Sierra offers game-changing insight to individuals and is on a mission to change the global conversation around purpose, fulfillment and what it means to be human. She is a regular guest on various podcasts and hosts her own, Integral Women Soundbites: women from around the world share insight and wisdom in the time it take to drink a cup of coffee. Originally from the United States, Sierra currently lives in Medellin, Colombia with her young daughter.

Visit integral-women.com Email [email protected] Podcast anchor.fm/integral-women

facebook.com/sierra.melcher twitter.com/womenintegral instagram.com/integralwomenmentoring BOOKS BY SIERRA MELCHER

How Change Really Happens: Unexpected Tools of Transformation

How to Become Change-Resilient and Thrive, Without Getting Derailed in Uncertain Times If you want to flourish even in the face of adversity, then revolutionizing your relationship with change is paramount! What if your perception of change was the primary obstacle to your success? A simple modification to how you understand the nature of change can unlock your inherent capacity to grow and thrive. How Change Really Happens is funny, uplifting and easy-to-read while delivering long-term benefits. Offering unconditional results to reward your bravery and courage. Change doesn't have to be hard with the right tools. Why not start now?

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