For the parties involved (and those around them), it is difficult to take a step back from the emotion of the situation. However, if one takes a step back and examines the situation outlined above more deeply, Preferred, Estranged or Alienated? then it would be reasonable to say that the boy may Divorce, when children are involved, is a common harbour a wish (secret or otherwise) to have more but complex process. Quite often the request for a time with his father, who previously had been custody and access assessment comes hot on the marginal in his life. It is not unreasonable for this heels of one parent alleging that the other parent is boy to want “more time with my dad”. This is a undermining or obstructing access. The parent who gender-based, developmental issue. Living with his feels wronged will claim they are being alienated. father suits the child’s psychological need to The term “parental alienation,” was first coined by connect more with his father. Additionally, given the late psychiatrist, Dr. Richard Gardner. the boy’s age, moral outrage at his mother is According to his theory, the child is brainwashed by appropriate in view of her affair. While she may one parent against the other so that the child rejects have provided for and appropriately met her son’s the other parent as if it were the child’s own idea. needs, the boy is dealing with her betrayal of moral Further, in these scenarios, allegations of abuse are standards. This is legitimate source of upset to the posited against the rejected parent but there is no boy, and thus an issue of estrangement by virtue of tangible evidence to support the abuse allegations. her behaviour. And finally, the father does Parental alienation is different though from contribute indirectly to the son’s rejection of mother estrangement. With estrangement, the rejected by taking a passive stance and not helping his son to parent has acted in a tangible way so as to resolve his upset with his mother. reasonably elicit their child’s rejection, whether or Litigation often serves to exacerbate these situations not the rejected parent takes responsibility for their as the positions becomes polarized and focussed on actions. the contributions of the parents. These legal battles The reality is, that children can prefer or reject a do not help the child. Instead, the focus must be parent for many reasons, including the child’s child-centred. In this case example the child does temperament, gender issues, simple preferences, need to enrich his relationship to his father and siding with the custodial parent, anger at the resolve his anger to his mother, such that over time rejected parent’s behaviour or any combination he may come to enjoy a relationship with both thereof. without having to reject either for the other. In so doing, the child learns to better manage conflicted For instance, a 9-year-old boy has enjoyed a good feelings and desires which in turn better equips the relationship with his mother. His father has been child for the demands of adult intimate marginal, often busy with work. The boy has been relationships. sheltered from the distancing in the marital relationship between his parents. The boy learns of Preferred, Estranged or Alienated? The truth is, his mother’s affair and witnesses his father’s often the issues are multi-faceted. In high-conflict anguish when he learns of his wife’s infidelity. situations where there is great difficulty resolving parenting arrangements, consider an assessment Upon marital separation, the child relentlessly seeks with a well-qualified assessor who is acquainted to reside with his father and in pursuit of this and able to tease out the possible multitude of objective displays a distain for his mother. His dynamics and propose treatment strategies to mother, through a Court process alleges the father improve matters for the children now and for their has poisoned the boy against her as retribution for future. the affair. On the surface her allegation is plausible and serves as the basis of a hotly contested battle Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW wherein the boy becomes entrenched in his position (905) 628-4847 while the father takes a passive position resting his [email protected] www.yoursocialworker.com case on the stated desires of the child. Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, It is easy to get caught up in the issues and emotions consider him an expert on child development, parent-child of the affair as well as the stated desire of the child. relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access recommendations, social work and an expert for the purpose of giving a critique on a Section 112 (social work) report. Search Gary’s name on GOOGLE.COM to view his many articles or visit his website. Call him for your next conference and for expert opinion on family matters. Services include counselling, mediation, assessment, assessment critiques and workshops.