AM I A BAD FEMINIST? MOMENTS OF REFLECTION AND NEGOTIATION IN CONTEMPORARY FEMINIST IDENTITY Elizabeth Ryan Brownlow A Dissertation Submitted to the Graduate College of Bowling Green State University in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY August 2020 Committee: Sandra Faulkner, Committee Chair George Bullerjahn Graduate Faculty Representative Susana Peña Jolie Sheffer ii ABSTRACT Sandra Faulkner, Committee Chair In 2014 Roxane Gay published Bad Feminist, a collection of personal essays written from her position as a Haitian American feminist academic. This work quickly skyrocketed in popularity across both academic and nonacademic audiences. Representative of the increasingly public-facing authoethnographic scholarship of feminist academic women, Gay’s work is a product of its time. For this dissertation, I examine Bad Feminist along with two other also wildly popular autoethnographic works produced in the same decade, Tressie McMillan Cotton’s Thick: And Other Essays and Maggie Nelson’s The Argonauts. I examine these texts as public- facing, accessible works that communicate their academic feminist authors’ feelings of feminist inadequacy in order to address larger issues of feminist practice and theory. Utilizing Sara Ahmed’s theory of becoming feminist, I analyze the “bad feminist moments,” expressed in these texts as moments of feminist crisis to identify what causes them and what functions they might serve. Using qualitative methodological triangulation, better known as mixed-methods research, I employ topic modeling and content analysis across all three texts to identify patterns that reveal not only why and how academic feminists might feel like they are bad feminists, but how and why they choose to share the moments in which they feel like bad feminists with others. Fighting to maintain their feminist identities in a world rife with gendered and raced violence, neoliberal ideals of self sufficiency and individual perfection, rapidly evolving technologies, and intersecting historical structures of oppression, these authors utilize moments of feminist iii imperfection to create space and time to disarticulate and rearticulate their relationships to feminism, their relationships to other people, and their relationships to academia. In this project, I conclude that bad feminist moments might be reactions to the pressures of both historical and contemporary structures of oppression, but the choice to reflect on them and share with others is based in feminist principles of reflexivity and collective inspiration to resist perpetuating ongoing structures of oppression inside and outside of the academy. iv For my feminist companions. You forge the paths I stumble along. v ACKNOWLEDGMENTS No great undertaking can be accomplished alone. I am indebted to my mentors, my friends, and my family for supporting and guiding me every step of the way through my PhD program and this dissertation. I have been surrounded by people who inspire and motivate me to think critically, work intelligently, and articulate carefully. From the start of this project, nobody has quite understood the purpose and vision behind this study like my committee chair and mentor, Dr. Faulkner. Sometimes I swear she foresaw the arguments and limitations of this project before I had the slightest inkling about what they would be. She gently nudged me in fruitful directions without ever mandating or pressuring me. During times of crippling self doubt and imposterism, Dr. Faulkner made me feel like I could, in fact, do this. Furthermore, she made me feel like I could do it well. She has been my biggest cheerleader, reminding me constantly that I am not only allowed to be human, but that I can harness my humanity to make empathetic, nuanced, powerful contributions to the world. She reminded me that this project does not stop with the production of this dissertation, but that it extends into my future as a scholar, as a feminist, as a community member, and as a person. Without her, I would never have been introduced to qualitative methods, and I certainly would not have felt as supported and motivated to attempt them. Our chats have always held elements of both the professional and the personal. Talking to her is always refreshing, always fortifying, and always a powerful reminder that the professional and the personal are intimately intertwined in this type of work. As I wrote this dissertation, I channeled my inner Dr. Jolie Sheffer. Honestly, I channel my inner Dr. Sheffer for most things. I have yet to meet anyone so careful with their word choices, so precise in their communications, so detail-oriented, and so committed to excellence vi as Dr. Sheffer. She has taught me countless lessons as a boss, as a mentor, and as a friend. She never turned me away when I randomly popped my head into her office to pepper her with questions. Two out of the three texts I analyzed for this dissertation came from Dr. Sheffer’s recommendations. At every juncture in this process, she has appeared at surprisingly perfectly timed intervals to throw another project-altering idea my way. My time working with her at the Institute for the Study of Culture and Society shaped my approach to higher education and my subsequent career paths. She modelled professionalism and fruitful collaboration in ways that inspired and challenged me on a daily basis. I will probably never stop pestering her. I still have so much to learn from her. As I doggedly worked through this program, I have always been able to depend on the unfailing support of CCS director, teacher, and mentor, Dr. Susana Peña. She guides the school with undaunted passion for her students. She has been committed to my professional development, both inside and outside of coursework. Furthermore, she has never hesitated to take the time and space to read a draft, sit down for a chat, or answer a question. She asks the tough, important questions that make me a stronger scholar and a better person. She is the queen of identifying a gap, pointing you in a direction, and then slowly backing away to leave you to ruminate on it. She is a teacher in every sense of the word. The unsung heroes of any scholastic endeavor are the administrative assistants. I will greatly miss ACS Administrative Assistant, Beka Patterson. I will miss working with her to solve the problems of CCS graduate students. I will miss our long chats in the office. I will miss watching her handle everything we graduate students can throw at her with grace and aplomb. Without her, I certainly would not be here. She makes our work possible, even when we make it difficult for her. We are so incredibly lucky to have her. vii BGSU faculty and staff aren’t the only ones who contribute to major writing projects like this. I am indebted to my friends and cohort members Kathleen Kollman and Elizabeth Niehaus for helping me take those first initial baby steps toward my dissertation. I had an amazing little group of academic feminists to help me through that first chapter. We took those first steps together, poring over each other’s drafts, taking long walks to discuss our work, and holding each other accountable. I loved getting to work with these intelligent, dazzling women. Everybody needs a personal support network, and mine is incredible. My cohort has been close knit and supportive from Day One. My memories of BGSU will be peppered with philosophical conversations over beers at the local pubs, vinyl records providing soundtracks for nights of friendship and commiseration, and celebrations of major milestones that brought us all closer together. Shane Snyder and Erin Carlyle always offered me a safe, judgement-free space to just be myself. Naykishia Head never let me become too isolated, forcing me out of the house to remind me that one must play as well as work. Britt Rhuart acted as a writing accountabili- buddy and sounding board as I slogged through chapter after chapter. Tessa Pyles has inspired me with her strength of character and incredible insight. I cannot wait until we can meet up for wine nights again, this time as officially minted PhDs. Marie Carrier has been the most fabulous cheerleader a woman could ask for. Whenever I need motivation, I know I can just give her a call or simply look at the countless motivational tidbits she has sent me over the past four years. As I write this, I can’t help but sneak a glance at her most recent gift, a keychain that reminds me “You’re Actually Amazing.” Marie, you are actually amazing. My family has always been supportive of me, even when they are not completely certain what I am doing here. As a first generation college student, I think I frustrated them by constantly coming to them with problems they could not always help with. That has not stopped viii them from trying to help, however, all the way from Texas. My mother has consistently reminded me that every milestone is worth celebrating, even the small ones. My sisters and brother have patiently listened to my breakdowns and offered words of wisdom that make me proud to be their big sister. I have learned so much from each of them as they have grown into inspiring adults. I am so lucky. I had the best team. I hope my future teammates are just as awesome. ix TABLE OF CONTENTS Page CHAPTER 1. WHAT ARE BAD FEMINIST MOMENTS, AND WHY SHOULD WE CARE? ............................................................................................................................ 1 Introduction ................................................................................................................ 1 How We Got Here ..................................................................................................... 9 The Influences of Women of Color and Queer Feminisms ....................................... 17 Feminism in the Age of Neoliberalism ...................................................................... 24 The Complications of Digital Feminist Activism and Fourth-Wave Feminism ........ 31 Fourth-Wave Feminist Experience and Scholarship .................................................