6 COPING WITH STRESSFUL TIMES Wear and tear No matter what kind of family you have—large, or small, two-parent, single parent, foster parent, or step-parent, your family will be affected by your “Joe is incredibly child’s CHD.There will be many emotional ups and downs. Events such as technical and your child’s diagnosis, major tests, surgery, a stay in the Intensive Care Unit, knowledgeable and I, coming home from the hospital, starting school, and moving from pediatric on the other hand, miss to adult care can all be stressful for the family. the technical stuff and look at how Annie ometimes it will seem like everything Different people have different ways of happens at once—there may be a new coping and this can be a huge stress on the seems. I think Joe Sbaby in the family, a job change, a move relationship.You might expect that your and I both feel that we to a new place, at the same time your child is partner will feel and act the same way you do, make a really good in a health crisis.These stresses add up and can but people deal with problems in very individ- make coping with day to day living a challenge. ual ways.There is no “right way” to feel during team even though we difficult times. Partners need to cope in their come from totally Much of your family’s energy will be used in own ways. supporting your child, dealing with doctors, different angles.” going to the hospital, and keeping the house- Men and women usually express themselves PARENT hold going.When your focus is on a sick child, in very different ways, which can strain the your other relationships can suffer over time. relationship. How each person copes with Conflicts may arise. stress can also play a part. For example, some partners may try to cope with their pain by The information in this section may help you throwing themselves into their work; while keep your relationships safe from wear and others find it impossible to do even the tear. In this section, you will find strategies for smallest task. dealing with your partner, your other children, your parents, and your friends. PARTNERS How can partners help each other? In times of stress, family members expect support from each other and some may believe a crisis may draw them closer together. However, it is possible that relationships may become strained. HEART & SOUL - YOUR GUIDE TO CONGENITAL HEART DEFECTS 6-1 COPING WITH STRESSFUL TIMES RELATIONSHIP TIPS DURING A CRISIS Even though you may feel drained of energy, it is a good idea to spend time with your partner. Here are some tips for maintaining your relationship during a crisis. Tips Details Communicate Communicate as openly and honestly as you can.You will have difficult decisions to make and may have conflicts to deal with.These are done best if you can be open and honest with each other. Make a point of setting time aside for talking and seeing how your partner is really doing. Do not expect your partner to be able to read your mind or your heart. Do loving things for each other. It will make you feel better. Make sure that both of you have read this part. Privacy Give your partner some privacy and distance when needed, but also come together and find ways that you can share your pain. Silence may cut you off from your partner’s support. However, you or your partner may sometimes feel like silence is the only way to cope. Spend some time talking about your feelings and your child, but make sure you also spend time together doing and talking about other things. Find private time to spend with your partner. Some people make the mistake of giving all their time to their sick child.You and your partner need each other, and your child needs you both. Make time for yourselves without feeling guilty about it. Give it time Avoid making decisions about relationships during times of stress. It is often tempting to use a crisis as a test for the relationship,“If it doesn’t work now, what good is it anyway?” but this is not a good time to think this way. Give your relationship some time. Respect Respect each other’s ways of coping. Some people become completely consumed by a situation, while others do not allow themselves to feel the pain. A person who hides emotions may feel overwhelmed by his or her partner’s emotional storm or see the partner as weak and unsupportive. A person who needs to deal openly with emotions may see a partner who is “getting on with life” as cold and unfeeling. Remember that there is no right or wrong way of coping with stress.Try to recognize and be accepting of your partner’s way of coping even though it is different from your own. A crisis is not a good time to try to change your partner’s personality or your relationship. Don’t take it personally Tr y not to take your partner’s anger or criticism personally. It is natural to take out your frustrations on a person you think will forgive you. Remember that the anger and negative feelings created by the situation may be directed at you but not meant for you.When you are upset by the anger and need to respond, it is usually less hurtful to express how you feel rather than accusing. For example, “I feel really hurt when. .” 6-2 HEART & SOUL - YOUR GUIDE TO CONGENITAL HEART DEFECTS COPING WITH STRESSFUL TIMES RELATIONSHIP TIPS DURING CRISIS - CONTINUED Tips Details Sex Is the crisis causing conflict in your sexual relationship? Some partners may lose interest in sex because they feel tired and depressed all the time. Others may need more intimacy than usual as well as the release sex can offer. If you can talk about your sexual needs, there is less chance that one of you will feel rejected or resentful. Read Find out more about how a crisis can affect a relationship.There are excellent books and videos in hospital and public libraries, such as The Impact of Chronic Illness on The Family: Marital Issues. Support group Consider joining a support group where you can talk with other couples about their experiences. Counselling If you cannot reduce the stress in your relationship, consider getting counselling from a professional.Your social worker may be able to give you a list of counsellors. Share responsibility Share responsibility for talking to health professionals and supporting your child. Often one parent becomes the “caregiver” of the sick child while the other works.This can create difficulties for both.The person who is working gets information second-hand and may feel left out or uninformed.The caregiver feels that the partner doesn’t understand what it is like at the hospital. If possible, try to schedule meetings with the health care team when you can both be there. If this is not possible, think about ways in which both of you can be part of discussions, for example, by arranging discussions on telephone extensions or by conference call. Strengthen your relationship Remember that during a health crisis, you, your partner, and your child are not likely to have the emotional energy to deal with the break-up of the family. Instead, try to use this time to support each other and strengthen your relationship. HEART & SOUL - YOUR GUIDE TO CONGENITAL HEART DEFECTS 6-3 COPING WITH STRESSFUL TIMES Find other ways than saying it yourself FAMILY AND FRIENDS Sometimes you may find it too hard to talk “At the moment Sometimes the most difficult thing to do is to people, even those closest to you. An I am home instead admit that you need help and ask others to answering machine lets you screen calls and carry some of the load. Here are some tips handle them when you want to. Record a of at the hospital for how to ask your family members and simple message such as, “Thank you for your because Keith (sibling) friends for help. concern.We’re often not able to come to the phone because we are caring for __________ . decided this morning Tell family and friends what Your call means a lot, so please leave a message, that he had had enough you need and we will call you as soon as we can.” and needed me. Plan B Yo u can also call one or two people, and then Most people want to help, but not everyone required me to stay ask them to call other family members and knows how.They may not know what to say friends to keep them updated.This helps you put and terrific or what to offer.Their fear of saying or doing avoid explaining a painful situation over and Grandma is with the wrong thing may cause them to avoid over again. you.You may need to take the lead and show Donna instead, and others how you want to be treated. For Most libraries have pamphlets, which help I will go in tonight.” example, do you want to talk about your child explain how friends can make life easier PARENT openly and honestly, or would you prefer to for you. use time with your friends to take your mind off your troubles? SHARING EMOTIONS It is hard for people to guess what you need, so you are more likely to get what you Sharing emotions, both the “highs” and the need if you give people some direct hints.