SELF-CONCEPT IS DESTINY WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT JUDGMENT YOU WILL EVER MAKE? THE JUDGMENT YOU PASS ON YOURSELF. SELF-ESTEEM IS THE KEY TO SUCCESS OR FAILURE. "Tell me how a person judges his or her self-esteem," says pioneering psychologist Nathaniel Branden, "and I will tell you how that person operates at work, in love, in sex, in parenting, in every important aspect of existence—and how high he or she is likely to rise. The reputation you have with yourself— your self-esteem—is the single most important factor for a fulfilling life." • How to grow in self-confidence and self-respect • How to nurture self-esteem in children • How to break free of guilt and fear of others' disapproval. • How to honor the self— the ethics of rational self-interest. NATHANIEL BRANDEN HONORING THE SELF US $6.99 / $8.99 CAN ISBN 0-553-26814-7 26814 76783 00699 THE REVEALING, BESTSELLING BANTAM BOOKS BY NATHANIEL BRANDEN: THE SIX PILLARS OF SELF-ESTEEM HOW TO RAISE YOUR SELF-ESTEEM THE PSYCHOLOGY OF SELF-ESTEEM THE PSYCHOLOGY OF ROMANTIC LOVE HONORING THE SELF THE ART OF SELF-DISCOVERY BANTAM BOOKS AN ESSENTIAL MESSAGE FOR OUR TIME . "Profound and practical," comments world-renowned family therapist VIRGINIA SATIR. "Nathaniel Branden has the courage to make us look at truths about self-esteem, ego, pride and heroism that we have tended to disown in recent decades. This provocative book has an important message for our time." GEORGE LEONARD, author of The Transformation and Education and Ecstasy. "A very important book with a very important message." KEN WILBER, author of Up from Eden. "Reading it was like sitting down to a banquetful of ideas—a feast of soul-satisfying thoughts that fed our lives on many levels, both personally and professionally." ADELE FABER and ELAINE MAZLISH, authors of Liberated Parents, Lib- erated Children. "Much wisdom and clinical insight." BOOKLIST "Many worthwhile lessons here." PUBLISHERS WEEKLY "Branden embodies the courage essential to self-esteem." MARILYN FERGUSON, author of The Aquarian Conspiracy. A highly innovative theorist in the field of self-esteem and personal transformation, Nathaniel Branden is Executive Di- rector of The Branden Institute for Self-Esteem, a counseling center in Los Angeles, California. His bestselling books, The Psychology of Self-Esteem and The Psychology of Romantic Love were trailblazers that have acquired the status of classics. Now he goes beyond them in his new, climactic work, HONORING THE SELF. Bantam Books by Nathaniel Branden Ask your bookseller for the books you have missed. THE ART OF SELF-DISCOVERY HONORING THE SELF HOW TO RAISE YOUR SELF-ESTEEM THE PSYCHOLOGY OF ROMANTIC LOVE THE PSYCHOLOGY OF SELF-ESTEEM THE SIX PILLARS OF SELF-ESTEEM HONORING THE SELF Self-Esteem and Personal Transformation NATHANIEL BRANDEN BANTAM BOOKS NEW YORK -TORONTO • LONDON • SYDNEY • AUCKLAND This edition contains the complete text of the original hardcover edition. NOT ONE WORD HAS BEEN OMITTED. HONORING THE SELF: SELF-ESTEEM AND PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION A Bantam Book / published by arrangement with ]. P. Tarcher, Inc. PUBLISHING HISTORY J. P. Tarcher edition published March 1983 Bantam edition / September 1985 All rights reserved. Copyright © 1983 by Nathaniel Branden. Cover artwork copyright © 1985 by Bantam Books. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher. For information address: Jeremy P. Tarcher, Inc., 9110 Sunset Blvd., Los Angeles, CA 90069. If you purchased this book without a cover you should be aware that this book is stolen property. It was reported as "unsold and destroyed" to the publisher and neither the author nor the publisher has received any payment for this "stripped book." ISBN 0-553-26814-7 Published simultaneously in the United States and Canada Bantam Books are published by Bantam Books, a division of Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group, Inc. Its trademark, consisting of the words ' 'Bantam Books" and the portrayal of a rooster, is Registered in U.S. Patent and Trademark Office and in other countries. Marca Registrada. Bantam Books, 1540 Broadway, New York, New York 10036. PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA OPM 24 23 22 21 20 19 18 17 To Devers Branden Contents Introduction xi I The Dynamics of Self-Esteem 1 1. Self-Esteem in Human Life 3 2. The Need for Self-Esteem 12 3. Self-Esteem and Child-Parent Relationships 24 4. Generating Positive Self-Esteem 44 5. The Problem of Guilt 60 6. Motivation by Fear 71 7. Self-Esteem, Work, and Love 87 II The Struggle for Individuation 107 8. Evolving Toward Autonomy 109 9. The Problem of Self-Alienation 136 10. The Art of Being 158 11. Death Anxiety 187 III Egoism 199 12. Rational Selfishness 201 13. Self-Sacrifice 220 14. Individualism and the Free Society 227 15. Self-Esteem and Beyond 238 Bibliography 253 Index 259 Acknowledgments My thanks to my publisher, Jeremy Tarcher, for his enthusiasm for this project since its inception, as well as for our discussions concerning the per- sonal meaning, to him, of "honoring the self," which always sent me back to my desk inspired. My appreciation and deeply felt regard for the skill of my superb editor, Janice Gallagher, whose suggestions, feed- back, and ruthless willingness to drive me past exasperation, always in the best interests of the book, contributed so much to the ultimate outcome. My thanks to Ken Wilber for our illuminating discussions concerning the perspective of transpersonal psychology. And finally, my deepest gratitude to my wife, Devers, to whom this book is dedicated—because of her unfailing emo- tional support during the writing, because of the many valu- able psychological and literary suggestions she offered, and most of all because she embodies that attitude toward life I have loved, admired, and wanted to celebrate in my work, as long as I can remember. Introduction Of all the judgments that we pass in life, none is as important as the one we pass on ourselves, for that judgment touches the very center of our existence. We stand in the midst of an almost infinite network of relationships: to other people, to things, to the universe. And yet, at three o'clock in the morning, when we are alone with ourselves, we are aware that the most intimate and powerful of all relationships and the one we can never escape is the relationship to ourselves. No significant aspect of our think- ing, motivation, feelings, or behavior is unaffected by our self-evaluation. We are organisms who are not only conscious but self-conscious. That is our glory and, at times, our burden. We monitor, assess, and question ourselves in a way possi- ble to no other species. We ask, Who am I? What do I want? Where am I going? What is my purpose in life? Is my behavior appropriate to this purpose? Am I proud or ashamed of my choices and actions? Am I happy or unhappy to be who I am? We have the ability to ask such questions, and we have the ability to run from them. But the questions are always there, waiting for our response, even if we choose to pretend they xii Introduction do not exist or do not concern us. They are there when we come home after a day of frenetic activity at work, when we come home from a party, the arms of a lover, a political rally, a charitable function, a religious encounter. This book will be concerned, then, with the ultimate hu- man encounter: the relationship of the "I" to the "me," of the ego to the self. The issues entailed by this encounter reach into and affect virtually every significant human experience— from the level of our self-esteem, to the kind of person we are likely to fall in love with, to the ambitions and life goals we are likely to set ourselves, to our most intimately personal sense of what it means to be a human being. At each step of the way, we shall confront some form of the question, Shall I honor or shall I betray the self? Not that we necessarily identify the issue in these terms; in fact, we rarely do, often preferring not to know the nature of the choice we are making. But in the natural course of our development, we inevitably face a variety of questions that bear on the same ultimate alternatives: Do I belong to myself or to others? Is the primary purpose of my self the pursuit of my own happi- ness and the fulfillment of my own positive potentialities, or is it compliance with the wants and expectations of others? Do I live by my own vision of things or by the vision of others? Is my basic concern with my own approval or with the approval of others? Am I to rely chiefly on my own mind or on the minds of my parents or teachers, leaders or guru? Such questions are not only psychological, they are also philosophical and, more specifically, ethical. Psychology and ethics are intimately interrelated fields, although neither psychologists nor moralists have always been eager to ac- knowledge the connection. This book is written at the inter- face of the two disciplines. How we relate to our selves affects how we relate to others, to the world around us, to the visible and invisible universe that constitutes our ultimate context—just as how we relate to others and to the world affects how we relate to our selves.