THE MICHIGAN REVIEW T Page HE MICHIGAN REVIEW March 21, 2006 The Campus Affairs Journal at the University of Michigan Volume XXIV, Number 10 March 21, 2006 MR Who will lead the campus? MSA Elections, Page 3 The University of Faceoff: MR vs. MD MCRI: The Battle Ahead Michigan in Detroit? Brian Biglin explores the The Review’s Chris Stieber Michael O’Brien analyzes idea of more interaction be- and the Daily’s Toby affirmative action on tween UM and Detroit. Mitchell faceoff on Iraq. campus and the MCRI. Page 5 Page 6 Page 8 www.michiganreview.com THE MICHIGAN REVIEW Page 2 Humor March 21, 2006 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW MR Tackles St. Patty The Campus Affairs Journal of Bram O’Malley and Glen Hennigan return for the second annual the University of Michigan St. Patrick’s Day diary James David Dickson Editor in Chief FTER LAST YEAR’S SPECTACULAR day of alco- found the consumption too much to handle and booted up a Aholic debauchery, we - Bram O’Malley and Glen Hen- frothy green mix of Guinness and Bailey’s in the Ashleys men’s Paul Teske nigan, The Michigan Review’s two resident St. Patrick’s Day bathroom sink. At this point, it was time to meet up with Glen Publisher correspondents - spent the last 364 days conditioning for this at the legendary establishment on South University known as year’s great holiday. We increased our livers’ capacity to en- the Brown Jug. Sekou Benson dure hours upon hours of pints and shots. Needless to say, our Our Irish excitement bubbled over, and in a singular Managing Editor bodies were not happy with the adversity faced over the past act or European solidarity, Bram and Glen connected as one year, but we knew that humanity and Mother Ireland would be with kissing on each other’s cheeks (and lips possibly, we were Nick Cheolas grateful for our sacrifice. Here is our story. too drunk to recall). Every Michigan student who yearned to Content Editor The day began at Midnight. Bram was ushering in St. be Irish but came from some other crap country was parked at Patrick’s Day with a Car Bomb at his place of residence before Jug that morning. Old friends reunited and new friends were taking an obligatory nap before heading off to Ashley’s to be made over pitchers of green beer and broken glasses of Irish Michael O’Brien one of the first 25 drinkers through the door – in an effort to Car Bombs. This is where things start to get sketchy. Many Campus Affairs Editor capture a coveted free t-shirt. Glen decided to take a chance photos were taken, many memories were forgotten. This at midnight, and skip out on a coveted nap, also in hopes of perhaps marks the three hour period, where Bram and Glen ASSISTANT EDITORS: making it to Ashley’s early for an even more coveted t-shirt. blacked out, all before the hour of 11:30. On multiple occa- Chris Stieber Glen felt that the most exciting way to spend the wee sions, Glen felt he would celebrate the day with old friends by hours of the night would be by playing beer pong at a local fra- ordering the “potpourri sampler” – invented by Glen and con- STAFF: ternity house. The plan was to go to Ashley’s at 4am, drinking sumed by many, this order meant every special on the menu Michael Balkin, Brian Biglin, Karen Boore, heavily before waiting in the cold in order to make enduring brought to the table for everyone to try a new drink. Rebecca Christy, Tom Church, Jane Coas- hours in queue more enjoyable. St. Patrick’s Day was starting Bram reveled in his blackout state with the whole ton, Stephen Crabtree, Blake Emerson, well for Glen, as he went undefeated in beer pong against the bar, singing all of his favorite Irish drinking songs to the whole Kole Kurti, Jeremy Linden, Matt MacK- younger, less experienced undergraduate athletes. Glen made booth section of the Jug. Glen insulted everyone that he came innon, Brian McNally, Natalie Newton, one of the losing beer pong opponents go to Ashley’s at 3:45 in across, friends and enemies alike and made up for his insults Amanda Nichols, Adam Paul, Danielle order to scope out the state of the line. To his dismay, the line with shots. Putnam, Yevgeny Shrago for a t-shirt was at capacity at 25 people. The only way Glen Bram and Glen went with friends to Dominick’s knew how to cope with the bad news was to drink more, at a where they smoked fine cigars, sang Irish drinking songs, and Editor Emeritus: Michael J. Phillips faster pace. pelvic thrusted all of the clientele from the top of a picnic table The Michigan Review is the independent, student-run Bram awoke just before 3:30 to a phone call from one – basically a normal jaunt to Dominick’s. Glen and Bram de- journal of conservative and libertarian opinion at the of his friends who was waiting in line. The line was already at cided it best to take a respite, which turned into an extended University of Michigan. We neither solicit nor accept 16, and increasing fast. Bram was met with a burst of adrena- pass out adventure from which we awoke to a combined 25 monetary donations from the University. Contribu- lin; he had to make the line. Rushing out his front door, still missed calls. tions to The Michigan Review are tax-deductible un- der section 501 (c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Ser- drunk from the night before, he tripped and fell down his front Upon waking up, Bram, realizing the late time, vice Code. The Michigan Review is not affiliated with step – almost spilling his thermos of espresso and Jameson. sprayed himself in cologne and sprinted to Ricks in fear of a any political party or any university political group. Knowing that he could not run for more than a few blocks, long line. Luckily, he made it in time and was able to meet up Jesus Christ reached down from the heavens and deposited a with his the final remnants of his Ashley’s crew to enjoy three Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the editorial board. Ergo, they are unequivocally cor- cab a block from his house. Thanks to God’s miracle, Bram hours of shots, beers, more pelvic thrusting and drunken face rect and just. Signed articles, letters, and cartoons arrived 24th in line. Praise be the Lord. licking. Around 12:30 pm, he realized it was time to go back to represent the opinions of the author, and not nec- Glen’s day took a turn for the worse quite early. After his home, the Brown Jug where Glen had been since 11pm. essarily those of The Review. The Serpent’s Tooth shall represent the opinion of individual, anony- making a quick jaunt to McDonald’s for breakfast, lack of sleep Glen’s late night at the Jug proved to be an exciting mous contributors to The Review, and should not and over consumption of alcohol resulted in an unprecedented one. All those who were not Irish enough for daytime drink- necessarily be taken as representative of The Review’s nap of 4 hours for Glen, who wouldn’t wake up until 10am, but ing had found there way to the legendary pub for nighttime editorial stance. The opinions expressed in this felt recharged and thirsting for liquid courage when his eyes revelry. Glen felt like a king, and drank like a homeless man publication do not necessarily those of the advertis- opened. At that late of a start on St. Patrick’s Day morning, with king’s money. He bought shots for friends and foes alike ers, or of the University of Michigan. We welcome letters, articles, and comments about the journal. there was only one Ann Arbor establishment where Glen felt until he could no longer see. He bought so many shots for a comfortable showing his face, the infamous Brown Jug. The few of his finest friends that they were kicked out of the Jug. Please address all advertising, subscription inquiries, line at the Jug proved to be formidable at such a late start time, One friend, unable to control his Irish anger, got too much and donations to “Publisher,” c/o however, by the grace of God and a year’s worth of condition- into the Irish spirit and accidentally broke a window. One of The Michigan Review: ing there, Glen was granted entry immediately Bram’s friends also couldn’t control his Irish-by-way-of-Africa Editorial and Business Offices: The line at Ashley’s promptly grew to over 150 in spirit and regurgitate an Irish Car Bomb all over the bar of the The Michigan Review less than an hour. Around 4:30 am, fellow dedicated Irish- Brown Jug. 911 N. University Avenue, Suite One Ann Arbor, MI 48109-1265 men, already a few whiskey shots in the bag, decided it would Bram and Glen, knowing their friend’s limits felt it mrev @ umich.edu be a good idea to mount the top of his friends car, which was necessary to continue the festivities away from other human www.michiganreview.com parked conveniently in front of Ashley’s, and urinate off the beings. They purchased a 30 pack and headed to a late night top of it onto State Street. Unfortunately, the pressure of the private affair. Long story short, they cut the line and Big Ten Copyright © 2006, The Michigan Review, Inc.