The Plague “..-. ..- -. -. -.--” CONTENTS STAPH plague n., 1. an epidemic disease that causes high mortality; pestilence. Table of Contents. ‘dis it EX E CUTIV E EDITORS 2. an infectious, epidemic disease caused by a bacterium, Yersinia pes- Things We Damn Well. 2-3 Nick Karasimas tis, characterized by fever, chills, and EDITOR -IN -CHI E F prostration, transmitted to humans Letters to the Editor . .. .. ...4 from rats by means of the bites of Josh “Vindaloo” Nealon fleas.3. any widespread affliction, Wheel of Precious.. .5 VIC E PR E SID E NT calamity, or evil, esp. one regarded as a direct punishment by God. 4. WSN Extra . .. .6-7 Craig Cannon (boom) any cause of trouble, annoyance, or SE CR E TARY vexation. 5. us. 6. Sending puppies Tribute to Les Paul . 8 into space. 7. Justin Beiber rashes. 8. Todd “Whole Wheat” Selby Picking up chicks at golf tourneys. milk, paper towels List: eggs, Schindler’s Intellectual Pornography Treis. .9 TR E ASUR E R 9. upside down 69ing. 10. that one scene in Mr. Holland’s Opus 11. all Who IS David Plouffe?. .. 11 those other scenes in Mr. Holland’s JR. EX E CUTIV E EDITORS Opus Manute’s Bowls. .. .. .12 Gabrielle Sena Spe CIAL THANKS TO : Stephan Pol- Fantasy Sports Performer. 13 “BOATS ...BOATS ...BLU E THINGS !” niaszek; Audrey Underwood; Nanci Cooke; Bob Butler; S.A.B. & The Last Cartographer.. .14 Alan Zeng ASSBAC; Jesse “Rafe” Meyerson; TE RRA COTTA ALAN alexrubin; Haloween Adventure, Sexton Family Reunion. 15 I guess; the BBC, the baby on the Henry Clay Francesca’s menu; Jeff Francoeur’s La Rue Saigne. 16-17 WH E R E ’S TH E PIZZA ? Laser Cannon; the other student publications; pharmacists; disc golf; Single Dad, Angry Dad. 18-19 Johnny Mkitarian shake that bear; people that don’t sue SP ILLS STUFF us; people that do sue us and lose - Sexton’s Inferno. .20-21 ha!; whoever left all those jelly beans in the pub lab; our moms and dads, Anal Defense. .. ..22-23 ALL OF TH E WORK , NON E OF TH E CR E DIT your moms and dads; and of course, Jill Avery GM Printing. Letters from the Front. 24-25 Linnea Goderstad Joe Schechner Lists. .26 Jenny Irving The Plague © 2010 Volume XXXII Lucas Brown Issue 1 Another Page of Lists . .27 Zach Taylor 60 Washington Square South, Box Casey Cronan 152 Midtown Toilet Review. .. .28 Joy Powell New York, New York 10012-1019 Dave Dubac! All rights reserved. Then turn it over and read it backwards! Chuckie Schafes Katie Blakely Visit our websites: Simon Liu http://www.nyu.edu/clubs/plague Melanie Trice http://readtheplague.wordpress.com Andrew Mallonee e-mail: [email protected] 1 Things We Damn Well Feel Like Saying “I’m the only person who hasn’t The theme of this issue, if there is one, ello dear readers, and welcome shaved for this, aside from a couple is absurdity. For example, it’s absurd to theH Spring 2010 issue of The Plague. girls.” that the turkey leg on the front cover This is my final effort as editor-in-chief, “Jacked lumber-douche enters in 2 managed to remain intact, given that it and thus, my final chance to address size 2 small polo - rival identified” is in Josh’s hand. I think there’s a lot in all of you here. As the staff puts the “class rings, balding, pantsuits. some here that most people won’t be able to finishing touches on this issue, I’m left people brought their moms” help but laugh at. More importantly, a with a number of feelings about my “dude pours individual juice bottle bunch of jerk offs had a good time and future that I’d like to share. into cup. Why?” some free meals while making it. And I am going to law school in the fall. “9 ½ black people here” isn’t that what this magazine is really all Why? It felt like a good idea when All in all, I was left less than about? I decided on it 15 years ago and, if encouraged in regards to my pending Josh and I leave the magazine in the anything, I am a man of conviction. social life at law school. I’m not saying hands of Craig and Andrew. Craig works Now, I must be honest, practicing law is I’m all that cool, but at this gathering for the Onion, so fuck him, and Andrew not my “dream job.” My “dream job” is I felt like Trip Fontaine in The Virgin really milks as much as possible out of General Manager of the New York Mets, Suicides. every chromosome. The legacy Josh and but unfortunately I am automatically My point is that this magazine I have left is clear, at least to the two of disqualified because I possess a may very well be the last pleasurable us. Farewell. functional frontal lobe. So off to law activity I ever participate in, until I’m a school it is. When I think about attending law school, I realize how much it is going to fucking suck. Almost immediately I just wanted to add one unrelated I will be swept up by a riptide of self- note. Colin Cowherd from ESPN radio importance, inserted like a wide-eyed is the worst person on the face of the orphan into the rat race of the budding Earth. I hate him more than anyone, ever. professional world. Based on my Listen to him for five minutes, even if knowledge of the profession (which you don’t like sports, and tell me you admittedly amounts to ≈nothing), don’t want end his life. My sincere hope lawyers are presented with two career is that miserable and unfortunate things tracks, provided you do well enough happen to him consistently forever. in law school to avoid flunking out, He once said, I’m paraphrasing, that failing the bar, or gouging your own Olympic hockey was unfair because it’s eyes out with the edge of a tort textbook dominated by rich nations. He rattled The Fifth Element: The Story of Boron somewhere in between. off the nations that were important in The first track is corporate law, where international hockey (Canada, Russia, you have to shove your face up older Five O’Clock Shadow U.S.A., Finland, etc) and cried foul for lawyers’ assholes and lick around to get other “poor” nations, like Ghana, that anywhere. Traditionally, this is where filthy old man and I can pretend to have can’t compete. You know another big the money is, but given the state of the degenerative dementia at Little League difference between those countries? THE economy®, who the fuck knows. The fields. That’s why I wanted to really go FIRST ONES HAVE FUCKING ICE. other path is public interest law, or the out with a bang this issue. Fuck you forever Colin Cowherd. “pussy” track. You can find a rewarding The problem with comedy writing He also likes to refer to the New York career in public interest, work like a is that it’s really hard. Every piece of Mets as a circus show, playing carnival dog, and earn just enough not to die. shit on the planet thinks they’re funny, music while he shits on them. I hope he Aside from the fact that I am woefully and to laugh at someone or something loses control of his bowels for eternity. unprepared to take anything seriously else is to cede a little bit if your own The Mets have won seven games in at this point in my life, the main reason sense of humor ego. Crippling self-doubt a row and nine of their last ten. I want this depresses me is that I am bound to gets in the way of my comedy writing to make note of how happy I am right do unpleasant things for the better part of all the time. I have what I think is an now so that when they spit the bit down the rest of my life. idea for something hilarious, but once the road I can remember what it felt like. When I went to Admitted Student’s I digest it doesn’t sit right and I end up Gary Matthews Jr. is a terrible baseball Day for law school, my suspicions were puking it back up all over the floor of player and shouldn’t be on a Major confirmed. I jotted down some notes that the publication lab. What I thought was League Roster. I don’t understand why day, hoping to come up with material for funny now will probably not be what I Oliver Perez loses 5 miles per hour off this column. I don’t have an entire story think is funny now-er. That makes it hard his fastball in the prime of his career, arc, but I will share some remarks. to even get through a sentence, let alone or why the Mets decided to pay him 36 “painful welcome video – student put together 30 some odd pages. million dollars to do absolutely dick- hurricane network – lifehouse The only way to overcome this nothing. So, now I’m on the record. soundtrack?” dilemma is to “go for broke,” as they say. 2 Things We Damn Well Feel Like Saying star in a porno based on “3’s Company.” article about something your stupid friend said doesn’t make you funny, it makes you here are a few great things about I, of course, would play the part of John T Ritter.