Founded in 1964 by John Warkentin, PhD, MD and Thomas Leland, MD Voices: Journal of the American Academy of Psychotherapists Editor: Editorial Review Board: Kristin Staroba, MSW | [email protected] Carla Bauer, LCSW 1201 Connecticut Ave., NW, Ste. 710 Lee Blackwell, PhD Washington DC 20036 Brooke Bralove, LCSW-C Graphic Designer: Peggy Brooks, PhD Mary de Wit Grover Criswell, MDiv Business Manager: Susan Diamond, MSW Lisa Kays Molly Donovan, PhD 1800 R Street NW #C-8 Nicholas Emmanuel, LPC Washington, DC 20009 Rhona Engels, ACSW International Consultant: Stephanie Ezust, PhD Jacob Megdell, PhD, Canada Pamela Finnerty, PhD Emeriti: Natan Harpaz, PhD Penelope L. Norton, PhD, Immediate Past Editor Stephen Howard, MD Doris Jackson, PhD, Editor Emerita Susan Jacobson, MMH Tom Burns, PhD, Editor Emeritus Nicholas Kirsch, PhD Jon Farber, PhD, Editor Emeritus Judy Lazarus, MSW Monique Savlin, PhD, Editor Emerita Matthew Leary, PhD Edward Tick, PhD, Editor Emeritus Kay Loveland, PhD E. Mark Stern, PhD, Editor Emeritus Laurie Michaels, PhD Vin Rosenthal, PhD, Editor Emeritus Don Murphy, PhD Associates: Giuliana Reed, MSW Hallie S. Lovett, PhD, Contributing Editor Ann Reifman, PhD Bob Rosenblatt, PhD, Intervision Editor John Rhead, PhD Barry Wepman, PhD, Poetry Editor Murray Scher, PhD Ruth Wittersgreen, PhD, Poetry Editor Avrum Weiss, PhD Sharilyn Wiskup, LPC VOICES: THE ART AND SCIENCE OF PSYCHOTHERAPY (ISSN 0042-8272) is published by the American Academy of Psychotherapists, 230 Washington Ave Ext , Suite 101 / Albany, NY 12203. Subscription prices for one year (three issues): $65 for individuals PDF only; $85 for individuals PDF & print copy; $249 for institutions. Orders by mail payable by check: 230 Washington Ave Ext, Suite 101 / Albany, NY 12203. Orders by MasterCard or Visa: call (518) 240-1178 or fax (518) 463-8656. Payments must be made in U.S. dollars through a U.S. bank made payable to AAP Voices. Some back volumes may be available from the Voices Business Office. Change of Address: Please inform publisher as soon as a change to your email address is made. Send change of email address to [email protected].▼ ii VOICES ▼ Summer 2018 Every orgasm makes a contribution to world peace. —Donald Lathrop Journal of the American Academy of Psychotherapists VOICES THE ART AND SCIENCE OF PSYCHOTHERAPY Silence Summer 2018: Volume 54, Number 2 Voices: Journal of the American Academy of Psychotherapists i Table of Contents v Editorials Silence, Sexuality and Spirituality in Psychotherapy Elizabeth Field 1 Voices of Silence Kristin Staroba 2 Articles: Spirituality and Sexuality The Sexually Unspeakables: A Conversation Between Two Sex Therapists Steve K.D.Eichel & Anni Tuikka 4 The Intersection of Sexuality and Religion: Changing the Conversation Kate Ott 15 A Preacher’s Legacy Raymond J. Ball 20 I’m OK If We’re OK: Men’s Fears of Women in Intimate Relationships Avrum G. Weiss 24 Interview with Ellen Fox Elizabeth Field 34 Sexuality and Spirituality: One Man’s Journey John Rhead 41 Befriending Silence in Therapy Bruce Knight 44 Articles: Silence Gina’s Wisdom Steven Abell 55 Silence: Healing the Hidden Darkness in Psychotherapy Omar “Nick” Bustos 61 Ambushed William Boylin 74 Introduction of Dana Jack Penelope Norton 76 Silence Sounds Dana Jack 78 How I Speak Noah Meyers 85 The Road Goes Ever On and On Kristin Staroba 88 I Got It Catherine B. Clemmer 92 Unspeakable Scott Baum 96 The Business of Silence: Communication Without Words Kristie Nies & Mike Geringer 100 Closings: Part 2 Ellen Weber Libby 107 From the Archives Hearing the Melody: The Silence of Psychotherapy Kenneth Wapnick 68 Silence Poetry Longing To Be Read Ray Ball 23 Untitled Mitchell Foy 33 My Patients Think I’m Crazy Maury Joseph 106 Calls for Papers Memory, Meaning & Story Deadline January 15, 2019 113 The Ghost in You Deadline April 15, 2019 114 The Geometry of Place, The Tangled Roots of Home Deadline August 15, 2019 115 Voices Subscribe to Voices 116 Guidelines for Contributors 117 The American Academy of Psychotherapists 118 On the Cover: Darwin’s Secret 2016, Sean Williams ©2018 by the American Academy of Editorial Photography Within: Mary de Wit Psychotherapists, Inc. Published three times per year. Cover Design: Mary de Wit Design and Production by Mary de Wit | in2Wit®, llc AAP Web Site: www.aapweb.com vi VOICES ▼ Spring 2018 Elizabeth Field Editorials Silence, Sexuality and Spirituality in Psychotherapy Elizabeth E. Field, MA, LMFT, I found a silver bowl engraved with my parents’ wed- LCAS, earned her undergraduate degree in psychology, minoring in ding date when I was 13 years old. An extraordinary find, philosophy and religion, from ASU on one level, given the hostility my mother always held in 1996. She obtained her graduate for my father. Extraordinary on another level, in that the education at ASU in marriage and family therapy in 1999. Since her date was barely 6 months before my birth. Of course, I graduating year she has attended had to ask my mom all about it! And a dialogue began, AAP as her primary continuing ed- around the truth of my origin story. Discovering that sil- ucation training. She has practiced psychotherapy since 1998. Current- ver bowl (not kept for sentimental reasons) revealed the ly she has a full-time private practice truth about my inception and the reason for my parents’ in Charlotte, North Carolina. Her marriage. most recent interests are sex therapy and couple’s therapy. For her, these Statistically, I should not have been conceived. My areas are an opportunity to bridge mother had an IUD inserted to avoid this inconvenience, her previous work in addiction and after the birth of her second son in 1968. “I was born with trauma with the art of healing by creating healthy relationships. She a double uterus,” I recall my mother offering my 13-year- is married and has two sons (12 and old self, by way of explanation. I prefer my aunt’s version: 4 years old) and a yellow lab-mix “Your mother’s uterus is in the shape of a heart.” It was dog who inspire her daily. this unusual shape which gave me the safety I needed to [email protected] start my life. The OBGYN assured my mother she would abort naturally when they retrieved the IUD. The doctor was wrong. My parents were left to deal with the life they had created in their momentary bliss with each other. I think of myself as a “love child.” I believe I am a miracle. Aren’t we all miracles? We all begin in the darkness and silence of our moth- er’s womb. At conception, we all contain the ingredients necessary to become the people we are ultimately meant to be. Yet, the womb is a hostile environment, so not all these early lives become people. The fact is, many do not, and many things can happen along the way to interfere in one’s development. Though the story of my concep- tion could be a crude one, as I was neither planned nor wanted, I was indeed created out of my parents’ mutual, Silence, Sexuality and Spirituality in Psychotherapy 1 though short-lived, desire for each other. My mother was a newly divorced mom of two young boys. My father was a Cuban immigrant who had served in the U.S. military and graduated from the local university and was beginning his career in law enforcement. My parents were just people, neighbors, who were meeting their sexual needs. This is where spirituality or faith stories become particularly relevant in my origin story. My father was raised in a strict Catholic home and my mother in a strict Baptist home. Their faith-based home lives led them to believe they had no choice but to keep me and additionally to enter a marriage with each other. So, is it any wonder that I became a marriage and family therapist? I have been bringing people together from the moment my life began. This is what bubbles up for me when I ponder silence in psy- chotherapy. It is not just the secrets we carry, but the beginning of life’s desire to be, to become, to develop into who we are, starting with very tiny essences of life, in the dark, in silence, where there are no words, only movement, joining and separating. It is for me a fight, and a right, to live despite the odds or what authority states. So, for this issue of Voices, I looked for authors to write on the themes of sexuality, spirituality and psychotherapy, and found some journeyers who were willing to go there with me. Kristin Staroba Voices of Silence Not long ago, a client taught me a lesson about keep- ing quiet. Usually engaging, insightful, gregarious, this young woman came in to her early-morning appoint- ment, grabbed the throw I keep folded nearby, plunked down on my sofa, and declared, “I’m going to take a nap, ok?” After a moment, I said, “Sure.” She laid down, set- tling, and closed her eyes. She peeked at me briefly once or twice and then seemed truly to fall asleep. Bemused, I wondered whether to quietly work on something else, or even to let myself nod off. After a few minutes sitting still, though, I felt electrically alert. Realizing that the session Kristin Staroba, MSW, has was taking place regardless of her sleeping or waking, I a private practice in downtown felt calm and attentive. I was able to stay present, simply Washington, DC, seeing adults in individual, couples, and group taking her in, noticing my breath and hers. The hour psychotherapy. She has presented passed quickly, and she woke up a few minutes before it numerous times at AAP meetings was to end.