chapter12 To suggest that one simply starts a friendship, courtship, romantic partnership or marriage and “off it goes” is simple-minded. It is like believing that one can drive down the street merely by turning the ignition key, sitting back, and letting the car take care of itself. —Steve Duck RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS LEARNING OBJECTIVES After completing this chapter, you should be able to demonstrate mastery of the following learning outcomes: 1. Discuss the functions relationships serve, 4. Describe the factors that influence identifying the characteristics that distinguish interpersonal attraction. one relationship from another. 5. Identify how culture, gender, the media, 2. Use Rawlins’s friendship model and and technology influence relationship Sternberg’s triangle of love to explain the development. relationship spectrum, distinguishing among 6. Identify specific techniques that can facilitate acquaintanceships, friendships, and romantic our mastery of relationship dynamics. relationships. 3. Use Knapp and Vangelisti’s relationship model to describe the stages a romantic relationship may pass through. 326 Part IV: Relationships in Context elationships fascinate us! The success of the Real troubles Russell and Taylor experienced provided much of Housewives franchise on the Bravo cable television the drama in the series’ first season, as did the impending Rnetwork—including The Real Housewives of New divorce of Camille Grammer from her now former husband, York, The Real Housewives of New Jersey, The Real actor Kelsey Grammer. Housewives of Beverly Hills, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, and The Real Relationship dramas—both the ups and the Housewives of Orange County, just Each program downs—are at the heart of all the offerings to name some of the Real Housewives in the Real Housewives franchise. Each genre offerings—attests to this; these presents a case program presents a case study focused on shows are among the most highly rated study focused evolving relationship dynamics. We are programs on television. We avidly watch on evolving privy to weddings, breakups, and squabbles as the women featured on these shows among family members and friends. Some and their spouses or significant others, relationship featured relationships fall apart quickly, assorted friends, and family members dynamics. We others experience significant alternations, develop their relationships, experiencing are privy and a number are shown as just beginning. relationship highs and lows. We observe While some of the story lines are likely as the characters figure out the ground to weddings, manufactured, they still afford us the rules for each relationship and make breakups, and chance to compare the dynamics of the decisions whether to take a particular family and friend relationships featured in them with our relationship to another level, to work own—past and present. And as we revise our through the relationship’s challenges, or squabbles. feelings toward the people in our lives with to terminate it. whom we share real relationships, how we feel about the characters on these shows also In the second season of The Real Housewives of Beverly changes over time. And sometimes, as Andy Cohen, Bravo’s Hills, for example, one cast member, Taylor Armstrong, senior vice president in charge of original programming and had to confront the unexpected death of her estranged development notes, our greatest satisfaction comes when we husband, Russell. Prior to his apparent suicide, the marital think, “I would never do that!”1 WHAT DO YOU KNOW? Before continuing your reading of this chapter, which of the following five statements do you believe to be true and which do you believe to be false? 1. Happy people tend to live longer 4. By talking about my friends instead than unhappy people. T F of our friends, partners are able to bond more easily. T F 2. As time passes, passionate love increases. T F 5. Less talk about fewer topics increases a relationship’s strength. T F 3. “What’s up?” is a question that opens a communication channel between two people. T F Read the chapter to discover if you’re right or if you’ve made any erroneous assumptions. ANSWERS: 1. T; 2. F; 3. T; 4. F; 5. F 5. F; 4. T; 3. F; 2. T; 1. ANSWERS: Chapter 12: Relationship Dynamics 327 Relationships are the fabric of our lives. In fact, how happy we are depends on how satisfied we are with our relationships.2 Whether we are friends or family, linked romantically or through our careers, relationships matter. As a foundation for a better understanding of the impacts of relationships, let us begin by clarifying what constitutes a relationship. WHY DO WE NEED RELATIONSHIPS? The term relationship refers to a wide array of social connections that to varying degrees meet your interpersonal needs. When we speak of interpersonal relationships we are concerned with the relationships we share with our parents, significant other, siblings, friends, employer or employees, physician, and instructors, among others. The kind of interpersonal communication you use when relating Our happiness depends on our satisfaction with our with another person reflects the nature, importance, and relationships. effectiveness of that particular relationship in your life. The expectations we have for a relationship depend on its nature as well as on the specific needs we want it to fulfill. For example, we likely have different relational expectations for a doctor, a coworker, a friend, a lover, and a family member. As a result, we probably use different rules to guide our behavior in relating to each of them, and we measure each relationship’s effectiveness according to somewhat different criteria that we establish based on our goals for the particular relationship. Your goals for a relationship reflect the kind of interaction you expect to share. When interacting with a physician, for example, your goals are more than likely different from those you have when interacting with a friend. Your expectations for a work relationship are probably different from those for a romantic relationship. Despite this, however, you might see certain commonalities in the way you approach others and communicate during your interactions. Relationships help meet personal needs and goals. Perhaps we are lonely and seek an outlet from our isolation. Maybe we feel a need to release pent-up tensions, discuss our interests, or share concerns and feelings. Perhaps we want to change another’s beliefs or attitudes. Or maybe we aspire to learn more about ourselves. Whatever our personal reasons for reaching out to another human being, the desire to interact with and develop meaningful relationships lives in us all, helping to define our humanness. We need interpersonal contact to survive. Table 12.1 summarizes the key functions relationships serve. RELATIONSHIPS PRESERVE HAPPINESS AND HEALTH There is a correlation between happiness and relationship effectiveness. There is also a correlation between happiness and how long we live, with those who report feeling happy living up to 35 percent longer.3 Unhappiness, which can be caused by problems such as Relationships: Social connections, of many depression, marital conflict, family violence, and job dissatisfaction, sometimes results from 4 different kinds, that, to a lack of relational attention and poorly handled relationship problems. Family, friends, and varying degrees, meet associates, however, can function as social support and help us get through the stresses and our interpersonal needs. challenges of life events. 328 Part IV: Relationships in Context TABLE 12.1 Relationships Function to Help Us Meet Our Personal Goals Relationships . Preserve our happiness and health. Prevent our isolation. Meet our needs for inclusion, control, and affection. Offer a point of reference we use in checking whether our behavior and emotional responses are culturally acceptable. Function as a communication pipeline. WHAT DO YOU KNOW? Maintain our sense of worth. True or False 1. Happy people tend to live longer than Not only do relationships help preserve our mental well-being, but they also affect us unhappy people. physically.5 People involved in problematic relationships experience more medical problems True. Happy people than do those with better-functioning relationships.6 The incidence of heart attacks and live up to 35 percent traffic accident injuries is higher among people whose relationships are failing than it is longer than those who among those whose relationships are thriving.7 Mortality rates, in fact, are higher for those report being unhappy. whose social support systems are lacking, who do not feel part of a group or a family, or do not feel that they “fit in” somewhere.8 Persons with terminal illnesses tend to die sooner if they have only a small group of friends rather than a large array of family members and friends on whom they can rely for support. Widowed men who do not remarry have higher mortality rates than those who do. The resilience of women also declines after a spouse’s death. The immune systems of widows are weaker than those of their married counterparts. Lonely people die sooner and younger. This is more of a problem for men than for women because men usually have fewer close friendships.9 RELATIONSHIPS PREVENT ISOLATION All of us need person-to-person contact. When cut off from others, we suffer. Even our dreams reflect our desire to end loneliness and feelings of isolation or estrangement. For example, hermits are prone to hallucinating that other people are present and speaking to them, the bereaved are apt to imagine their dead loved ones are there with them, and those who are incarcerated dream about meeting their family members, friends, and other people on the outside.10 When our We all need person-to-person contact. Without it, we feel lonely social surroundings fail to reflect our wishes, we try to and isolated. manufacture situations that do reflect them, even if only subconsciously.