Women Parenting Together: Motherhood and Family Life in Same Sex Relationships by Kathryn Almack, BA (Hons), MA Thesis submitted to the University of Nottingham for the degree of Doctor of Philosophy, September 2002 - 1 - Acknowledgements First, I want to thank all the women who took part in this research. I owe them a great deal and remain inspired by them. Thank you to my supervisors, Elizabeth Murphy and Becky Morley. I have benefited much from their intellectual rigour and our discussions of my work, as well as from their unstinting encouragement and support through some hard times. Thanks are also due to Alison Haigh, for her patience and efficiency in dealing with any administrative queries, to Clare Stewart and Alison Taylor, who transcribed my interviews, and to Becky Calcraft, who proof-read my work. I would like to thank the School of Sociology and Social Policy (University of Nottingham), who funded my studies and allowed me to retain the studentship funding when the direction of my research changed. Thanks also to Becky Morley and Gillian Pascall for their help through that early stage, and to other colleagues who have provided ongoing support. In particular, Liz Fox, Ezra Hasson and Sue Parker have made it feel a less isolated endeavour. Personal thanks in hard copy . - 2 - Table of Contents Abstract………………………………………………………………………….i Chapter 1: Introduction………………………………………………………1 1. Aims of the research project…………………………………………….…6 2. ..Structure of thesis…………………………………………………………..7 2.1 Chapter 2: Literature review……………………………………………..7 2.2 Chapter 3: Methodology…………………………………………………8 2.3 Chapter 4: Everyday experiments? Issues in working out routes to conception and donor involvement…………………………….9 2.4 Chapter 5: Making new sense of motherhood. Definitions of and claims on parental status……………………………………………..10 2.5 Chapter 6: Being out and about. Negotiating for the recognition and legitimacy of a parental and familial status………………………….11 2.6 Chapter 7: Conclusions…………………………………………………..12 Chapter Two: Literature Review……………………………………………13 1. Introduction………………………………………………………...……….13 2. Demographics of same sex parenting……………………………………...16 2.1 The emergence of a lesbian 'babyboom'?………………………………...16 2.2 Demographic evidence…………………………………………………...19 3. Psychological research findings on lesbigay parenting………………...…21 4. Transformations of intimacy: considerations of social change and the family………………………………………………………26 4.1 Individualism and 'the family' in crisis…………………………………..27 4.2 'Altruistic individualism and a pluralism of family forms……………….30 4.2.a Giddens: transformations of intimacy……………………………...30 4.2.b Beck and Beck-Gernsheim: the totally normal chaos of love and the contours of the post-familial family………………..35 - 3 - 4.2.c Morgan: Family practices…………………………………………..39 5. Parents and children: transformations of intimacy………………………40 6. Lesbigay families: transformations of intimacy…………………………..49 6.1 Families of choice………………………………………………………..49 6.2 Lesbian motherhood……………………………………………………..56 7. Conclusion…………………………………………………………………..62 Chapter 3: Methodology……………………………………………………..67 1. Introduction to the project…………………….…………………………...67 2. Sampling routes and strategies…………………………………………….67 2.1 Sample criteria and rationale………………………………….………….67 2.1.a Terminology………………………………………………………..68 2.1.b Narrowing criteria………………………………………………….69 2.1.c Dependent children aged 6 and under.……………………………..70 2.1.d Development of criteria over time……………………..…………..70 2.2 Methods of recruitment…………………………………………………..71 2.3 Sample profile……………………………………………………………73 3. Methods……………………………………………………………………...74 3.1 Linking research questions to appropriate methods……………………...74 3.2 Joint or separate interviews?……………………………………………..75 3.3 Details of methods employed…………………………………………….79 3.3.a The joint interview…………………………………………………79 3.3.b Separate interviews………………………………………………...84 4. The process of doing research……………………………………………...84 4.1 Recruitment………………………………………………………………85 4.1.a Making contact with potential respondents………………………...86 4.1.b Issues of self-selection……………………………………………..86 4.1.c Seeking out hidden populations……………………………………89 4.2 Doing the interviews……………………………………………………..92 4.2.a Practicalities…………………………………………………….….92 4.2.b Confidentiality and consent…………………………………….….93 4.2.c Interview dynamics………………………………………………...96 4.2.d Feedback………………………………………………………….100 - 4 - 4.3 Access and rapport: the impact of the researcher's identity…………….102 5. Analysis and writing up…………………………………………………...104 5.1 Data analysis of interview transcripts: starting out……………………..104 5.2 Decisions about CAQDAS (computer assisted qualitative data analysis software…………………………………………………..105 5.3 Stories and narratives…………………………………………………...107 5.4 Dilemmas in the representation of private lives: issues of interpretation and validity……………………………………………110 5.5 The researcher's story…………………………………………………...113 Chapter 4: Everyday experiments: Issues in working out routes to conception and donor involvement………………………….118 1. Introduction………………………………………………………………..118 2. Dominant discourses relevant to parenthood and the choice of donor or self insemination…………………………………………….…..120 2.1 Children's needs………………………………………………………...120 2.2 The need for a father……………………………………………………122 2.3 The need for genetic origins information……………………………….125 3. Working out the route to conception……………………………………..126 3.1 The main features of donor or self insemination……………………….126 3.1.a Donor clinics……………………………………………………...126 3.1.b Self insemination………………………………………………….127 3.2 Finding out about alternative routes to conception……………………..128 3.3 Routes taken by respondents in my study………………………………129 3.4 Opting to use self insemination…………………………………………131 3.4.a Heterosexual vs. gay donors………………………………………139 3.5 Conception at donor clinics……………………………………………..143 4. Relationships between donors, lesbian couples and their children………………………………………………………….148 4.1 Anonymous donors……………………………………………………..150 4.2 Male role models………………………………………………………..152 4.3 No contact/Traceable donors……………………………………………154 - 5 - 4.4 SI families with donor contact/involvement……………………………156 5. Conclusion………………………………………………………………….159 Chapter 5: Making New Sense of Motherhood: Definitions of and Claims on Parental Status…………………………..162 Introduction………………………………………………………………..162 The status of motherhood…………………………………………………164 2.1. Defining characteristics of motherhood………………………………..165 2.1.a Biological definition………………………………………………166 2.1.b Legal………………………………………………………………167 2.1.c Relational………………………………………………………….169 2.1.d Singular gendered identity………………………………………..170 2.2 Differing claims to motherhood………………………………………...170 2.3. New families; new claims?…………………………………………….171 Women parenting together: claiming a parental status………………...172 3.1 Labels and language…………………………………………………….172 3.2 Introducing women's accounts of their parental status…………………173 Social mothers' claims to a parental status………………………………174 4.1 Tessa's account………………………………………………………….176 4.2 The significance of biological connections……………………………..180 4.3 Legal status……………………………………………………………...185 4.4 The relational dimension………………………………………………..187 Birth mothers' accounts of motherhood…………………………………191 5.1 Contradictions and tensions posed by the meanings of biological motherhood……………………………………………….193 Conclusion…..……………………………………………………………...201 Chapter 6: Being Out and About: Negotiating for the Recognition and Legitimacy of a Parental and Familial Status ..204 1. Introduction………………………………………………………………..204 2. Potential in/visibility of parental and familial status……………………205 - 6 - 2.1 Recognition at the inter-personal level…………………………………206 2.2 Institutional lack of recognition………………………………………...208 3. Coming Out………………………………………………………………...210 3.1 Respondents' layers of outness………………………………………….212 3.2 Coming out as part of everyday life…………………………………….213 3.3 The potential consequences of being out as lesbian parents……………215 4. Stigma………………………………………………………………………216 5. Felt and enacted stigma…………………………………………………...220 5.1 Respondents' anticipation of negative responses - felt stigma………….220 5.2 Respondents' experiences of negative responses upon disclosure: enacted stigma…………………………………………………………..224 6. Resistance and Resilience…………………………………………………228 6.1 Respondents' use of avoidance as resistance……………………………229 6.2 Respondents' use of avoidance in the context of being out……………..231 6.3 Respondents' interpretations of discriminatory interactions……………233 6.4 Further challenges to stigma: speaking up and acting out……………...236 6.5 Children and stigma…………………………………………………….238 7. Conclusion…………………………………………………………………...241 Chapter 7: Conclusions…………………………………………………….243 1. Research: sample criteria and (future) questions……………………….244 2. Re-interpretations of 'family' and of parenthood……………………….246 3. Moralities of motherhood…………………………………………………248 Bibliography………………………………………………………………….256 Appendices…………………………………………………………………275 Appendix 1: Leaflet aimed at potential respondents Appendix 2: Map of routes taken to find respondents Appendix 3: Mapping of successful routes to respondents Appendix 4: Sample profile - 7 - Appendix 5: Background questionnaire Appendix 6: Linking research questions to methods Appendix 7: The Household Portrait: prompts and list of tasks Appendix 8: Questions and guidelines for mapping out social networks Appendix 9: Interview schedule Appendix 10: Statement of confidentiality and consent - 8 - Abstract This study is based on joint and separate in-depth interviews with twenty (female) same sex