ABSTRACT Title of Dissertation: WALKING THE WOODS: THE LIVED EXPERIENCE OF SEXUAL ASSAULT SURVIVAL FOR WOMEN IN COLLEGE Mollie M. Monahan-Kreishman, Doctor of Philosophy 2012 Dissertation directed by: Professor Francine Hultgren Department of Teaching, Learning, Policy and Leadership This phenomenological study explores the lived experience of sexual assault survival for women in college. Through a grounding in the philosophy of hermeneutic phenomenology (Gadamer, 1960/2000; Heidegger, 1927/1962, 1968, 1928/1998, 1971/2001, 1950/2002), this work uncovers the lives of six sexual assault survivors who lived through rape during their university years. The research activities designed by van Manen (1997) provide the methodological framework for the study. Within this framework, the researcher is able to bring readers into a visceral feeling of the lived experience. Deep, rich meaning is brought forth from the words of each rape survivor. The six survivors in this study remained at their respective universities for one to four years following the rape. They identified as American Indian, Taiwanese American, Italian American, European American, Caucasian, and White. At the time of the study, participants ranged in age from their late twenties to early forties. They attended different universities across the country. Hermeneutic phenomenological conversation revealed one overarching theme of the all en-COMPASS-ing nature of rape survival in college. In other words, after being raped in college, the experience continued to be intimately connected to everything they would live through thereafter. The first of two sub-themes, stoppings, uncovered experiences that halt survival from the outside, the inside, through (re)iterations of the rape, through divisions, and through loss of control. The second of two sub-themes, movings, uncovered experiences that progress rape survival, such as moving away from campus, reclaiming reiterations, reclaiming voice, reclaiming strength, reclaiming body, reclaiming reactions, reclaiming foundation, and the movement from victim to survivor. From this work, two main sets of pedagogical implications come into view. The first, being with, examines the personal ways in which we, as college and university professionals, can authentically listen and respond to women surviving rape. The second, being-for, examines the campus world, and the possibilities brought forth when faculty, staff, students, friends, family and survivors come together in the creation of communities that pause and focus on what survivors need in order to survive. WALKING THE WOODS: THE LIVED EXPERIENCE OF SEXUAL ASSAULT SURVIVAL FOR WOMEN IN COLLEGE by Mollie M. Monahan-Kreishman Dissertation submitted to the Faculty of the Graduate School of the University of Maryland, College Park in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Doctor of Philosophy 2012 Advisory Committee: Professor Francine Hultgren, Chair Professor Susan Komives, Advisor and Dean’s Representative Professor Robert J Nash Professor Stephen Quaye Professor Jennifer Turner Professor Linda Valli © Copyright by Mollie Monahan-Kreishman 2012 Dedication This work is dedicated to the six women who walked this phenomenological path with me in order to reveal their lived experience of sexual assault survival in college. Thank you for being your strong, authentic selves, for sharing so deeply all that you felt in college, and the meaning you make from it today. To the survivors who have come before us, we stand with you to break the silence that covers what it is to live through rape and ongoing trauma. To the survivors who come after us, it is my greatest hope that this work will inform college and university practice, and help to create the all- encompassing communities of care needed for healing the unseen wounds. May this work lead us, faculty, staff, students, family, friends, and survivors, in and out of the forest that holds the secrets of our world. ii Acknowledgements To the survivors: To Aeryn, Beth, Chloe, Lulita, Pink, and Sweetie (under their self-chosen pseudonyms), I am so grateful to you for sharing your lived experiences with me, and lending them to these pages. Your strength is truly an inspiration. To the generations of sexual assault survivors who have come before us and those who will, I say with great sadness, come after us, I hope that this work will help in the creation of all-encompassing campus communities of care. To the dissertation committee: To Francine Hultgren, thank you for exposing me to phenomenology, a methodology that truly allows me to (re)search for myself. In the searching, and (re)searching, I found my way of being in the world, thinking in the world, and writing in the world. I am eternally grateful for your teachings. Thank you for your time, your patience, and your unending belief in my ability not only to finish, but to create something transformative. With your encouragement, I achieved something that I thought was not quite possible—the PhD! Thank you, too, for the kindness you showed my daughter, Anna, as she traveled with me to dissertation feedback meetings. One of my favorite Maryland memories will forever be her poking her little head around every corner in the Benjamin Building, calling for you, “Dr. Francine! Dr. Francine!” and asking me, “Mommy, do you think we will see Dr. Francine and her turtles today?” In so many ways, you are the woman I aspire to be. To Susan Komives, almost three year ago, when the university buckled down on doctoral students nearing the end of their allotted time-to-degree, you told me that you would be a lion in a cage behind me all the way. What a comfort it was to know that you were there, waiting to pounce on anyone or anything that might get in the way of my completion! Thank you for fighting for me. Thank you for taking me on as an advisee when Marylu retired, and for seeing me through to graduation. You are a force to be reckoned with in the field of student affairs, and I count myself one of the lucky few who has had you as both a teacher and advisor. You are a remarkable woman! Happy retirement! To Robert Nash, thank you for being my doorway into the realm of narrative research. You were, and continue to be, a powerful force in my life. The work you’ve done to develop Scholarly Personal Narrative is freeing students from the confines of traditional scholarly expression, and only you could have done it! Thank you for creating a classroom space at the University of Vermont that encourages music, poetry, artwork, dance, and other forms of expression that we do not typically see in student affairs programs. You are a revolutionary and an inspiration! You make it possible to share a multitude of small t truths, and in doing so you are clearing the way for student authenticity. Thank you for allowing me into your life, into your family, and into your home. Thank you for allowing me to play guitar and sing not only in your classroom but at your daughter’s wedding, too! What an honor it is to know you and call you teacher, mentor, Vermont Dad and friend. You started me on this path, and you continue to support me every step of the way. I am so lucky to have you in my life! iii To Stephen Quaye, thank you for agreeing to sit on my committee even though you hardly knew me at all, and thank you for remaining on my committee after you left for Miami University! Miami is lucky to have you, and the expertise you bring in such a wide range of writing and research styles. It is a unique gift to be able to access positivist and constructivist thought and expression! Thank you for sharing with me your passion for narrative research. I hope that your students at Miami will have the opportunity to see that side of you! The gift of your teaching will be transformational for them. To Jennifer Turner, thank you for joining us on the dissertation committee! When Francine recommended you, I knew that you would make important contributions. It has been an honor to share the work with you. Thank you for your thoughtful questions and insight! To Linda Valli, thank you for joining the committee at the very last minute when Hurricane Sandy kept Robert from joining us in person. It was your quick response that allowed me to stay on track and keep my defense date. What an honor it was to share that time with you! To the University of Maryland community: To Marylu McEwen, thank you for being the first to officially invite me into the doctoral program at the University of Maryland, and for taking me on as an advisee. I have very fond memories of sharing special moments with you early in the program, especially when you joined our PhDiva group for my 31st birthday dinner! Thank you for taking time, over the years, to be a sounding board on social justice issues. I have learned so much from you, and I still have so far to go. What an honor it was to learn from you in the classroom, and from the cushy pink chair in your office. Thank you for seeing me through to graduation. Happy retirement! To the PhDivas—Zaneeta Daver, Dawn Johnson Zakiya Lee, Wendy Wilson—thank you for being an amazing cohort. We have just celebrated our 10th Diva-versary! How time flies! Thank you for all of our study sessions together, especially when we focused on statistics. I am quite certain I would not have made it through stats without you all, especially Zaneeta. Through major celebrations and heartbreaking losses, we have been there with each other.