For my family. You’re Not Pretty Enough – Page 1 of 230 You’re Not Pretty Enough Extraordinary stories from an (un) ordinary life. By Jennifer Tress Table of Contents Author’s Note………………………………………………………………………………………….Page 3 Introduction……………………………………………………………………………………………Page 4 Sex Education………………………………………………………………………………………….Page 5 Contra Dancing and The Art of Teenage Rebellion…………………………………….Page 24 How to be Responsible…………………………………………………………………………….Page 30 Insects and Other Such Snacks……………………………………………………………..…..Page 35 Shot Through the Heart……………………………………………………………………………Page 45 Come Together, Right Now, Over Weed…………………………………………………….Page 63 The Path of Most Resistance……………………………………………………………………..Page 67 You’re Not Pretty Enough…………………………………………………………………………Page 84 Be Careful What You Wish For………………………………………………………………….Page 126 How to be an Asshole……………………………………………………………………………….Page 146 How Not to be an Asshole…………………………………………………………………………Page 164 Road Trip………………………………………………………………………………………………...Page 180 Epilogue: Separation, To Save the Marriage……………………….……………………...Page 214 Afterword: You’re Not Pretty Enough, The Movement……………………….……...Page 223 Acknowledgements………………………………………………………………………………….Page 230 You’re Not Pretty Enough – Page 2 of 230 Author’s Note All of the stories contained here are true and based on my memories, as well as the memories of others who were associated with the events. To move the story along, sometimes I truncated timelines or consolidated characters. Some names were also changed. You’re Not Pretty Enough – Page 3 of 230 Introduction This is a book about defining moments. We all have them, or a series of them, that when added up give us insight into who we are and why we do things. Come along as I tell you mine… You’re Not Pretty Enough – Page 4 of 230 “Sex Education” By Jennifer Tress SEX EDUCATION When my mom was pregnant with my younger sister, I asked her where babies came from. Being a feminist and a bohemian, she felt obligated to be completely honest. She pulled out a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves—the women’s health Bible of that time—and showed me diagrams of reproductive organs and procedures while she narrated. “When a man’s penis becomes aroused, he enters it into a woman’s vagina. Once there, sperm is released and travels to the woman’s womb. See, this is the womb. An egg is deposited—all women have eggs…” We have eggs?! “…If all goes well the sperm from the penis fertilizes the egg, which develops into a baby.” She looked down to see me staring at the pictures, riveted. “Well,” she continued, “I guess when a man is aroused he doesn’t always enter a woman’s vagina, but let’s save that story, shall we?” Yes, let’s. Because I was four. My mother says that immediately after this conversation I marched up to my room and emerged two hours later with a collection of pieces that my family now refers to as “The You’re Not Pretty Enough – Page 5 of 230 “Sex Education” By Jennifer Tress Sex Papers.” These works of “art” are sweet, but subversive. Some of them are titled with the word SEX just in case the viewer wasn’t sure what the scene was depicting. Here are two naked people sitting across from each other smiling and smoking cigarettes (note the breasts directly under the chin). I think all the sex scenes in seventies soap operas inspired this—how everyone used to smoke after doing it? Here's a cheerleader, cheering for sex. Gooooooo SEX! What does the H stand for though? Happy? Horny? Handjobs? Regardless, I obviously felt positively toward it. Sex had to be a good thing if people were cheering about it, right? You’re Not Pretty Enough – Page 6 of 230 “Sex Education” By Jennifer Tress And who’s this comely lady with the strange arms and fashion sense? I’m sure this was my interpretation of 70s fashion, but I don’t remember seeing any dresses with holes cut out so that women could properly display their impossibly perky breasts. This lady is about to have sex with a guy in a beanie and polka-dot pajamas. She appears to be wearing kneepads, which perhaps shows a penchant for rough sex? Maybe that’s why the word “SEX” is crossed out? You’re Not Pretty Enough – Page 7 of 230 “Sex Education” By Jennifer Tress The most technical of all the Sex Papers, most likely influenced by all those damn diagrams. Which gave way to the actual baby-making process. This is how hot pink people make a baby. You’re Not Pretty Enough – Page 8 of 230 “Sex Education” By Jennifer Tress Music played constantly in my home: Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young; Elton John; the Beatles; Stones; Michael Jackson; Donna Summer; and…Marlo Thomas. Yes, I was raised to believe in a land where the horses run free, a land where you and me were free to be, well…you and me. So while clearly SEX took precedence as the overriding theme of the Sex Papers, there were other messages that seeped in. Messages about love, about family, and about being a strong woman. The series concludes with: “You got to love yourself before you love your baby and your husBENT and when you grow up you get married to your boyfriend or a boy that you love but the important THINE to do is love the whole family.” TRUTH. You’re Not Pretty Enough – Page 9 of 230 “Sex Education” By Jennifer Tress I quickly moved from my drawing phase to playacting and cast my toys and Star Wars action figures in an ongoing production called “Mash Your Privates.” This involved me holding two figures—one in each hand—and making them face each other while clacking their plastic torsos together in a savant-like fashion. These are the pairings that made sense to me: • Leia and Luke, • Storm Trooper and Storm Trooper, • Obi Wan and Yoda, • C3PO and R2D2, • Han Solo and Chewbacca, and • Weeble Wobble and Barbie. Thinking back on this, she must have had a fetish for little people and a goal: but no matter how hard she tried, that Weeble Wobble would. just. not. fall. down. Poor Barbie. Always a bottom. A path my mom didn’t foresee during the “Mash Your Privates” years was plastic doll incest. One day I was mashing the privates of my Donnie and Marie Osmond dolls, and my Mom walked past this scene with a basket full of laundry, and yelled, “For God’s sake, Jenny, they’re brother and sister!” Then she muttered something incomprehensively and carried the basket upstairs. I paused for a minute—while Je T’Aime by Jane Birkin & Serge Gainsbourg played in the background—and looked at their frozen, innocent, smiling faces You’re Not Pretty Enough – Page 10 of 230 “Sex Education” By Jennifer Tress and their matching pink, purple, and tan outfits. Well, so are Luke and Leia, I reasoned, and went back to the mashing. Of course, none of this had any connection whatsoever with the euphoria that comes from feeling turned on. I didn’t know what that was until I saw my first Prince video: Little Red Corvette. I watched rapt as he batted his Bambi-like eyes and subtly gyrated with the microphone stand, looked right into the camera, and then, my soul. I didn’t quite get what this feeling was, but I definitely thought a lot about that tiny androgynous sexpot at night while I wrestled with the sheets. These wrestling matches started on a random night when I was around thirteen. While I was tossing and turning, the sheet glided between my legs in a very pleasant way and I froze. What the hell was that? I thought and proceeded to perform the move fifty-eight more times. So there I was night after night dry humping my bedding. When Purple Rain was released, I went with two friends to the movie theater. We told our parents we were going to see Gremlins and bought tickets to that show but snuck into the back of an already darkened theater showing Purple Rain. We were not prepared. We gripped our armrests tightly, mouths hanging open as we watched Prince finger-fuck Apollonia and the stars interpret various songs like “Sex Shooter,” and “Darling Nikki.” It was way too much for our porous minds. What was I thinking jumping from dolls bumping plastic uglies straight to Prince and the Revolution in one move? One should complete that You’re Not Pretty Enough – Page 11 of 230 “Sex Education” By Jennifer Tress progression in five moves! Minimum! I went home that night completely confused and freaked out yet also excited to “hit the sheets.” “Jenny, are you OK?” my mom asked. “You don’t look so good.” “No, fine, just tired. I’m going up to bed.” “How was Gremlins?” I looked directly at her. “Some parts were really, really weird.” That night, amid the sheets, I thought about the scene with Prince and Apollonia. Instead of stopping when I reached that point of near unbearable pleasure—it felt like being tickled— I kept going. Did I pee? I wondered and felt the sheets, but nothing was overly wet. For a while, I kept it my own little secret. And took lots of “naps.” My friends and I didn’t talk about stuff like that when we were thirteen. And I didn’t talk about my own feelings until I knew what they meant. I think we realized we knew next to nothing about “grown-up” issues and that we were in that odd, short phase between leaving childhood behind and committing to being teens. We were scared to admit to or share anything that made us look like the weird kid.