University of New Orleans ScholarWorks@UNO University of New Orleans Theses and Dissertations Dissertations and Theses Spring 5-13-2017 Mom's Photoshoot Eric G. Hollerbach University of New Orleans, [email protected] Follow this and additional works at: https://scholarworks.uno.edu/td Part of the Creative Writing Commons, and the Screenwriting Commons Recommended Citation Hollerbach, Eric G., "Mom's Photoshoot" (2017). University of New Orleans Theses and Dissertations. 2370. https://scholarworks.uno.edu/td/2370 This Thesis is protected by copyright and/or related rights. It has been brought to you by ScholarWorks@UNO with permission from the rights-holder(s). You are free to use this Thesis in any way that is permitted by the copyright and related rights legislation that applies to your use. For other uses you need to obtain permission from the rights- holder(s) directly, unless additional rights are indicated by a Creative Commons license in the record and/or on the work itself. This Thesis has been accepted for inclusion in University of New Orleans Theses and Dissertations by an authorized administrator of ScholarWorks@UNO. For more information, please contact [email protected]. ! Mom’s Photoshoot! ! ! ! ! ! A Thesis! ! ! ! ! Submitted to the Graduate Faculty of the University of New Orleans In partial fulfillment of the requirements for! the degree of ! ! ! ! Master of Fine Arts In Creative Writing Screenwriting! ! ! ! ! ! by! Eric Hollerbach! B.A. Newschool !University 2008 ! ! ! ! EXT. BURBANK, CA - FLAPPERS COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT ERIC YORK (27) is standing outside the Yoohoo Room. (The smaller showroom of Flappers Comedy Club.) He's talking on his cellphone. He's on the phone with his mother, DENISE YORK (53). DENISE (OS) Tell me about this girl you're dating. ERIC I don't know, Mom. It's new. I don't want you to say something too critical or fucked up. DENISE (OS) I wouldn't. ERIC That's your usual thing. I tell you something, and you torture me with the details I volunteer. DENISE (OS) So, you're dating a girl. ERIC Of course I'm dating a girl. I date girls. DENISE (OS) Just checking. ERIC I like her, but I might also move. DENISE (OS) So it's not serious? ERIC We're exclusive. DENISE (OS) Tell me something. ERIC No. DENISE (OS) Just what's her name? ERIC Her name is Amelia. 2. INTERCUT WITH: INT. HACKETTSTOWN, NJ - TOWNHOUSE - NIGHT Denise is on a cordless landline. She's an all American Jersey-Italian. Her house is hoarded with ceramic dolls, recreation-league soccer trophies, macaroni necklaces, scrapbooks, and other cluttered tokens of domestic life. DENISE Did she go to college? Where? Denise looks through an old scrapbook of Eric's high school years. ERIC She went to college. Somewhere in Portland. DENISE How did you meet? ERIC She came to a comedy show. DENISE She thought you were funny? ERIC Yeah, Mom. Obviously. Eric rolls his eyes, annoyed. DENISE What was her major? ERIC What do you mean? DENISE What did she study in college? ERIC Woman's Studies. DENISE Woman's Studies? ERIC Yeah. DENISE What's she gonna' do with that? 3. ERIC I donno. Probably talk to somebody else. Eric hangs up his cellphone. Denise is surprised the call disconnects. DENISE Hello? Denise redials. DENISE (CONT'D) (to herself) He didn't hang up. We musta got disconnected. Did he hang up? Eric reaches for the door of the club. Eric's phone rings, he declines the call with a touch of a button. Denise frowns and hangs up the cordless phone. Her frown flickers with her faulty lightbulbs. INT. NORTH HOLLYWOOD - MUAY THAI ACADEMY OF AMERICA - DAY KRU PUK (65) stands in front of a dozen students. KRU PUK Maybe you have stress in your life. Bills. Maybe a girl breaks your heart. With Muay Thai, after you punch, and you kick, you feel better. Eric nods, he needs that. SERIES OF SHOTS Eric kicks a heavybag. Kru Puk walks by Eric and holds up his left hand into the correct position. Eric at (165 lbs) is in the ring across from a thin but scrappy TEENAGER (15) (120 lbs). Eric drops after a kick to the liver. 4. RING Eric is on the ground. TEENAGER Let's go. Get up. ERIC (to Kru Puk) How old was that kid? KRU PUK Fifteen. ERIC He's too tough. KRU PUK He's been coming here since he was five. On the other side of the gym, FIVE YEAR OLD BOYS are going through a stretching routine with another teacher. ERIC I'll go with those kids, these teenagers are too intense. LATER Eric holds pads while boys go through boxing drills. Eric SMILES. EXT. SANTA BARBARA, CA - TRAILS - DAY Eric and AMELIA (24) walk to a stream in the woods. Amelia is a cute brunette with a Portland swagger. Eric has a slightly bruised eye. ERIC So, yeah. I might, um... Either I get to work on another job in LA or I have to move. I don't know what's going on. AMELIA You're getting kicked out of your apartment? ERIC If I don't get a job. Freelance careers doing production on reality shows are impossible. 5. AMELIA Where are you going to move? Eric helps Amelia jump over a puddle. ERIC I don't know. A small town to work on my jokes, while I get some job. AMELIA Stay here. ERIC I want to. AMELIA Why do you have a black eye? ERIC I got the shit kicked out of me by a fifteen year old boy yesterday. Amelia laughs. AMELIA Oh, yeah? In Karate class? ERIC Muay Thai class. It's kickboxing from Thailand. Karate is from Japan. AMELIA Do you have to pick fights in your class? ERIC I thought I could take him. Now I'm in the toddler's group. They're less rough. Eric and Amelia climb a small waterfall. ERIC (CONT'D) Hey, let's smoke a joint. AMELIA Okay. Eric lights a joint, and they take scenic seats on the waterfall. ERIC I told my mom about you. 6. AMELIA What did she say? ERIC Nothing much... I just bragged how cute you were. AMELIA I told my mom about you, too. ERIC What'd you tell her. AMELIA I told her you do stand-up. That you've worked on some shows... Eric goes in and kisses Amelia. They kiss off screen. EXT. COMEDY STORE - ROOFTOP PATIO - NIGHT Eric gets a nudie picture of Amelia. He's smoking a joint. ERIC Hey, now. You dirty girl. JAY LITE (27) steps onto the patio. JAY Eric, you're next. ERIC Thanks, man. INT. COMEDY STORE - BELLY ROOM - NIGHT Eric is onstage. ERIC I like boobs. I'm really into boob physics. Is a girl wearing a bra, or not wearing a bra. Wow. Big difference. Chuckles. ERIC (CONT'D) What if it rains? Wow. What can I see. Side boob? Underboob? Classic top cleavage. See through nip action? That's boob physics 101. (MORE) 7. ERIC (CONT'D) Boob physics, the best subject in college. Eric takes a mini-bow. ERIC (CONT'D) I had to take the SAT's in Highschool. It's hot in New Jersey. The girl in front of me had a shirt on, no bra. Whenever she erased something her side boob jiggling drove me crazy. Eric uses his hands to pantomime side boob. ERIC (CONT'D) She had these short, short, short shorts, rolling into her butt. Eric rolls his fingers. ERIC (CONT'D) I lost 700 points on the SAT's, because I was into boob and butt physics, and not math, or reading or whatever the fuck was on that test. LAUGH. ERIC (CONT'D) I started filling out the scantron. Drawing... Boobies.... Booty... Laugh. ERIC (CONT'D) I gave it to the administrator, and I said, 'See if you can even get this through the machine. I laminated it for you.' Laugh. ERIC (CONT'D) Girls don't care about dick physics. They don't care. They don't obsess at night. Does it float in vinegar, does it sink in oil? What if it got half a boner? Could you crack an hardboiled egg on it; would the shell break? Eric acts out as a guy getting onto a bus. 8. ERIC (CONT'D) A girls ultimate fantasy is not some naked guy walking onto a Greyhound, slapping his boner on everyone as he walks by. Excuse me, excuse me. No woman's like, 'Hey Rufus, come here. Wave that thing in my face. Wowie wow.' INT/EXT. LAUREL CANYON - ERIC'S HONDA CIVIC - EVENING Eric's phone rings through his speakers. ERIC Hello. EMILY (OS) Hi, Eric. ERIC Wassup, big sis? EMILY (OS) So. What's up with that girl? ERIC What do you mean? EMILY (OS) Mom told me you have a girlfriend. ERIC I don't know. I'm seeing a girl. EMILY (OS) Yeah? ERIC Yeah. INTERCUT WITH: INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - EVENING EMILY YORK (31) looks at cribs and baby things. Emily's wearing an engagement ring. EMILY Okay. So... A couple of things. ERIC Yeah. 9. EMILY I'm pregnant. ERIC You're pregnant? EMILY Yeah. And then Vince proposed. He was going to do it anyway. We talked about it. But now I'm wearing a ring around. ERIC That's fucking great! So, you said yes. EMILY Of course I said yes. Emily rolls her eyes. ERIC I'm happy for you. EMILY We're going to get married in four months.