Compassionate Nonviolent Communication Rachelle Lamb Certified NVC Trainer Trainings, Mediation , Practice Groups Private Sessions (Personal & Business) Ph. (250) 480-7122 Website: www.rachellelamb.com e-mail: [email protected] Additional Information Sources Rachelle Lamb www.rachellelamb.com The Center for Nonviolent Communication www.cnvc.org Nonviolent Communication (Book Publisher’s Site) www.nonviolentcommunication.com © Rachelle Lamb, Mindful Communication, Victoria, BC. (250) 480-7122 www.rachellelamb.com 10 W A I T Why Am I Talking? The Importance of Intention We always have an intention when we speak. The question is: are we fully conscious of our intention? Our intention significantly determines the quality of our exchanges. The words we choose to express ourselves are a reflection of our intention. We will develop clarity of intention to the degree that we place our attention on intention. When our intention is to get our way, the relationship is likely to be compromised. When our intention is to create a quality of connection with others where everyone’s needs are valued, collaborative relationships ensue. The purpose of Nonviolent Communication™ is to facilitate a quality of connection with others where everyone’s needs are understood and valued. © Rachelle Lamb, Mindful Communication, Victoria, BC. (250) 480-7122 www.rachellelamb.com 1 Important things we already know and often forget: 1. We can’t change others; we can only change ourselves. 2. When people hear blame or criticism, they will usually shut down and become defensive. 3. When we take things personally, we suffer. 4. Consciously or unconsciously, we choose our responses in every given moment. 5. Everyone experiences struggle in life. 6. Anytime a person is angry or blaming, they are hurting inside. 7. People are doing the best they can. 8. Human beings are designed to strive for happiness; being miserable isn’t fun. 9. Everyone needs to know that they matter. 10. Life is more enjoyable when we derive meaning and purpose from it. 11. The way we think, listen and speak has enormous influence on our experience and hence our happiness. 12. People are naturally collaborative and good natured when a) they are wholeheartedly engaged and b) they know that their contribution matters. 13. Human beings are interdependent and need each other. As the Asian saying says “Shared joy is double joy; shared sorrow is half sorrow.” The Nonviolent Communication Model encourages us to examine how we think, listen and communicate internally with ourselves and outwardly with others while also reminding us to hold within our awareness important basic truths about human beings and relationship dynamics. Using a four-step process, NVC supports us in becoming more aware, inclusive and positive in our communication, thereby providing us with the ability to influence mutually productive outcomes more effectively and consistently. © Rachelle Lamb, Mindful Communication, Victoria, BC. (250) 480-7122 www.rachellelamb.com 2 The NVC ModelWhen Needs "Facilitating Respectful Dialogue " What’s going on for me What’s going on for others 1. What I am observing 1. What they are observing 2. 2. What I am feeling What they are feeling 3. What I am needing 3. What they are needing 4. What I am requesting 4. What they are requesting Language Language "When I see, hear . ." "When you see, hear . ." "I am feeling . ." "Are you feeling . ? " "Because I am needing . ." "Because you are needing . ? " "Would you be willing . ? " "Would you like . ? " 1. Observation: Stating what another is d oing/saying that does/doesn't meet needs. "The highest form of human intelligence is the aBility to oBserve without evaluating." Krishnamurti Important: OBservations do not contain any analysis, diagnosis, judgment or criticism. 2. Feelings: Connection with the feelings being experienced in the moment. "I feel content", "I feel concerned", "I feel douBtful ", "I feel frustrated", "I feel confused", "I feel excited", "I feel calm", "I feel perplexed", "I feel inspired", "I feel surprised" Important: "I feel that ..." or "I feel you/he/she ..." are not feeling statements But assessments. 3. Needs: Connection with the need. Needs are universal and shared by all. Our goal is to determine the need(s) that are the source(s) of t he feeling(s). Example of needs: Autonomy, Choice, Respect, Integrity, Harmony, Order, ContriBution, Growth, Learning, Appreciation, Safety, Inclusion, Trust, Consideration, Understanding , etc. 4. Request: Asking for something in order to meet needs. Mutual understanding occurs once needs have Been identified and valued. Requests are made at this stage. Use of the word "willing" ensures that the choice to respond is always left open to the other eg. "Would you Be willing . .?" Important: A request is not a demand or strategy to make people do what they do not want to do. © Rachelle Lamb, Mindful Communication, Victoria, BC. (250) 480-7122 www.rachellelamb.com 3 Alienating Language Alienating or controlling language is language use that makes it difficult for us to remain connected to our compassionate nature. When we are communicating using alienating language, honesty means blaming and telling others what is wrong with them or telling ourselves that there is something wrong with us. We hear criticism, judgment, analysis and diagnosis. Consequently, we invest our energy into condemning ourselves or others and defending ourselves through counter-attack. Words that imply wrongness (designed for the game Who's right ), usually comparative, diagnostic and judgmental also including words that label others. Such words are static and have a dehumanizing effect. e.g. should, ought, good, bad, right, wrong, always, never, appropriate, inappropriate, controlling, stupid, loser, racist, alcoholic. Words that minimize choice and respect for other's autonomy (demands) e.g. you must, you have to - these words usually guarantee resistance and provoke rebellious or submissive responses. Words that deny one's responsibility for actions taken e.g. I had to, the boss said so, it's company policy, just following orders, that's just the way it is, I had no choice, it's not possible. Words associated with the concept that certain actions merit reward/punishment e.g. he/she "deserves" . Guilt, Anger, Shame and Depression Symptoms of alienating language often appear as feelings of anger, guilt, shame and depression. Whenever we experience any of these, it helps to explore the thinking which is stimulating our discomfort. These feelings signal to us that we are not fully in touch with our needs and that we are thinking in terms of “should” . what others “should” do or what we “should” do. “SHOULD” THINKING GUILT ANGER SHAME DEPRESSION © Rachelle Lamb, Mindful Communication, Victoria, BC. (250) 480-7122 www.rachellelamb.com 4 Ways of Responding Every moment offers us the opportunity to choose about how we will respond in any given situation. At times, it is difficult for us to recognize that we have choice, especially in situations where we are triggered and automatically respond in habitual and unconscious ways. We are more likely to be reactive when we don’t take the time to look inside ourselves and others to learn what is really happening. Nonviolent Communication helps us to become conscious of our choices and clearly see how certain choices either meet or do not meet needs, both ours and others. These are the choices available to us in challenging situations: 1) Blame the other person (often associated with feelings of anger) 2) Blame ourselves (often associated with feelings of guilt, shame, and depression) 3) Reveal what’s going on in us (our feelings and needs) 4) Search for what is going on in the other person (their feelings and needs) Example: Stimulus - "I don't appreciate your tone of voice. It’s quite disrespectful." Response: 1) Blame the other person: I’m not being disrespectful. I'm simply saying that your making a decision without first consulting me was out of line. 2) Blame ourselves: You’re right. You don’t deserve to be treated so harshly. 3) Reveal our feelings and needs: When I hear you say that, I’m somewhat confused because I really value mutual respect in our exchanges. Can you help me out by letting me know what I can say or do right now that might provide you with reassurance that my intention is in fact to dialogue respectfully? 4) Search for the other person’s feelings and needs: I’m wondering if you’re annoyed right now because you need respect and also because you’d like some understanding for how frustrated your feel? © Rachelle Lamb, Mindful Communication, Victoria, BC. (250) 480-7122 www.rachellelamb.com 5 Exercise: Self Awareness #1________________________________ __________________________________ __________________________________ __________________________________ Observation #5________________________________ (The facts) #2________________________________ __________________________________ __________________________________ __________________________________ __________________________________ #1 __________________________________ __________________________________ Initial Reaction The action I’d (feelings, like to take thoughts, Personal judgments) #5 #2 Awareness Breaking it #4________________________________ into pieces #3________________________________ __________________________________ __________________________________ __________________________________ __________________________________ __________________________________ __________________________________