Table of Contents Title Page Copyright Page Dedication Preface Foreword Acknowledgements Introduction The Problem Chapter 1 - Sort Out the Three Conversations Shift to a Learning Stance - The “What Happened?” Conversation Chapter 2 - Stop Arguing About Who’s Right: Explore Each Other’s Stories Chapter 3 - Don’t Assume They Meant It: Disentangle Intent from Impact Chapter 4 - Abandon Blame: Map the Contribution System The Feelings Conversation Chapter 5 - Have Your Feelings (Or They Will Have You) The Identity Conversation Chapter 6 - Ground Your Identity: Ask Yourself What’s at Stake Create a Learning Conversation Chapter 7 - What’s Your Purpose? When to Raise It and When to Let Go Chapter 8 - Getting Started: Begin from the Third Story Chapter 9 - Learning: Listen from the Inside Out Chapter 10 - Expression: Speak for Yourself with Clarity and Power Chapter 11 - Problem-Solving: Take the Lead Chapter 12 - Putting It All Together Ten Questions People Ask About Difficult Conversations Notes on Some Relevant Organizations Praise for Difficult Conversations “A user-friendly guide to mastering the talks we dread . a keeper.” — Fast Company magazine “Emotional intelligence applied to life’s toughest moments.” — Daniel Goleman, bestselling author of Working with Emotional Intelligence “The only people who shouldn’t read Difficult Conversations are those who never work with people, anywhere.” — Peter M. Senge, bestselling author of The Fifth Discipline “How do you confront your ex-spouse who’s late picking up the kids? How do you tell a client their project took longer than expected and the bill is twice as high? How do you say ‘I’m sorry’? Start by picking up Difficult Conversations.” — Citizen “[Difficult Conversations] will be appreciated by readers who wish to improve oral communication in all aspects of their daily lives.” — Library Journal “Stone, Patton, and Heen illustrate their points with anecdotes, scripted conversations and familiar examples in a clear, easy-to-browse format.” — Publishers Weekly “The central insights of Difficult Conversations so resonate with common sense that it is easy to overlook just how remarkable of a book it is . a must-read.” — Harvard Negotiation Law Review “Examples more clear-headed and advice more precise than we’ve seen before.” — Dallas Morning News “Stone, Patton, and Heen have written an extremely clear and unpretentious exposition of how to develop effective communication skills and a guide to achieving openness and constructive outcomes in dialogue . this book is, and probably for some time to come will be definitive.” — Southern Communication Journal PENGUIN BOOKS DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS Douglas Stone is a lecturer on Law at Harvard Law School and a founder of Triad Consulting Group (www.diffcon.com). In addition to corporate clients like Citigroup, Honda, HP, Johnson & Johnson, Microsoft, Shell, and Turner Broadcasting, Stone has worked with journalists, educators, doctors, diplomats, and political leaders in South Africa, Kashmir, and the Middle East, and in Geneva with the WHO and UN-AIDS. He has trained senior political appointees at the White House and was a keynote speaker at the 2006 World Negotiation Conference in São Paulo. His articles have appeared in publications ranging from the New York Times to Real Simple. He is a graduate of Harvard Law School, where for ten years he served as Associate and then Associate Director of the Harvard Negotiation Project. He is currently researching the relationships among productivity, feedback, and fulfillment in the workplace. He can be reached at [email protected]. Bruce Patton is cofounder and distinguished fellow of the Harvard Negotiation Project and a founder and partner of Vantage Partners, LLC (www.vantagepartners.com), where his clients include some of the largest corporations in the world. Working with Roger Fisher, Patton pioneered the teaching of negotiation at Harvard Law School, where he has taught since 1981. In the public arena he helped to structure the resolution of the 1980 U.S.-Iranian hostage conflict (working at the behest of both governments); worked with Nobel Prize winner Oscar Arias to make his Central American Peace Plan self-implementing; worked with all parties in South Africa to structure and train mediators for the constitutional process that ended apartheid; and continues to work toward better conflict management in the Middle East and elsewhere. A graduate of Harvard College and Harvard Law School, Patton is coauthor with Roger Fisher and William Ury of the bestselling Getting to YES: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In. He can be reached at [email protected]. Sheila Heen is a lecturer on Law at Harvard Law School and a founder of Triad Consulting Group (www.diffcon.com). Her clients span five continents and include TimeWarner, the Federal Reserve Bank, Merck, PwC, Standard Chartered, Tatweer of Dubai, Cemex of Mexico, and Unilever. Heen often works with executive teams to engage conflict productively, repair working relationships, and make sound decisions. In the public sector she has consulted to the New England Organ Bank, the Singapore Supreme Court, Greek and Turkish Cypriots, and the Arctic Slope Regional Corporation in Barrow, Alaska. Heen has worked with theologians struggling with disagreement over the nature of truth and God and with senior political appointees for the White House. She has appeared on shows as diverse as Oprah, Fox News, CNBC’s Power Lunch, and on National Public Radio. A graduate of Harvard Law School, she is schooled in negotiation daily by her three children. She can be reached at [email protected]. PENGUIN BOOKS Published by the Penguin Group Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, U.S.A. Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4P 2Y3 (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.) Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England Penguin Ireland, 25 St Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd) Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty Ltd) Penguin Books India Pvt Ltd, 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi - 110 017, India Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, North Shore 0632, New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd) Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England First published in the United States of America by Viking Penguin, a member of Penguin Putnam Inc. 1999 Published in Penguin Books 2000 This edition with a new preface and chapter published 2010 Copyright © Douglas Stone, Bruce M. Patton, and Sheila Heen, 1999 Foreword copyright © Roger Fisher, 1999 Preface and Ten Questions © Douglas Stone, Bruce M. Patton, and Sheila Heen, 2010 All rights reserved Difficult Conversations® is a registered trademark of Difficult Conversations Associates. AUTHORS’ NOTE Research at Harvard University is undertaken with the expectation of publication. In such publication the authors alone are responsible for statements of fact, opinions, recommendations, and conclusions expressed. Publication in no way implies approval or endorsement by Harvard University, any of its faculties, or by the President and Fellows of Harvard College. Stone, Douglas. Difficult conversations: how to discuss what matters most/ Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen. p. cm. eISBN : 978-1-101-49676-3 1. Interpersonal communication. 2. Interpersonal communication-Case studies. I. Patton, Bruce. II. Heen, Sheila. III. Title. BF637.C45S78 1999 158.2 — dc21 98-33346 The scanning, uploading and distribution of this book via the Internet or via any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Your support of the authors’ rights is appreciated. http://us.penguingroup.com To our families with love and gratitude and to our friend and mentor, Roger Fisher, for his vision and commitment Preface to the Second Edition When we completed Difficult Conversations ten years ago, we hoped it would catch on with businesses and help people in personal relationships. Happily, it’s done both. We regularly receive e-mail sharing stories of life-changing conversations, as well as e-mail of the “my wife gave me this book and it wasn’t terrible” variety. We hear stories of rocky marriages righted and sibling relationships recovered, of conversations with a child about night terrors and with a dying friend about death, love, and those left behind. Parents use the book to work through differences in parenting strategies and to reach out to their teenagers, while neighbors use it to figure out what is or isn’t “too loud.” We’re enormously grateful to those who have taken the time to tell us their stories. The reception in the business community has been overwhelming. Our little book on talking has been embraced as a guide to taking on the hardest challenges – from how stakeholders with divergent interests can make tough but smart decisions, to giving difficult performance feedback, to making dysfunctional functions function, and good teams great. From new hires to CEOs, the book has helped people to break down silos and build up morale, showing the way past a culture of nice to a culture of efficiency, openness, and respect. Most surprising has been Difficult Conversations’s reach. A dance instructor uses it to teach Argentinean tango. Palestinian educators built communication programs around the Arabic edition; Israeli mediators used the Hebrew edition to help with external and internal conflicts. Postwar Hutu and Tutsi leaders in Burundi have come together to develop a conflict resolution program for their youth using the French edition. Global organizations are using it to manage the challenges of working within and across cultures. At twenty-five languages and counting, it has even been downloaded, we’re told, onto the International Space Station (where tight quarters can breed conflict).