February 2020 A periodic publication of Sexaholics Anonymous featuring: Practical Tools ES Check List Sobriety Being “Triggered” “Bad News” in SA Obsession Song Steps/ Traditions SAY On Being Willing “Figure It Out” Promote SA & Tradition 11 Sober Dating Dating - A Spiritual Experience Respecting Women in Recovery The More, The Healthier My Experience with Sober Dating ss oo bb ee rr dd aa tt ii nn gg SA Purpose Sexaholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop lusting and become sexually sober. There are no dues or fees for SA membership; we are self- supporting through our own contributions. SA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization, or institution; does not wish to engage in any controversy; neither endorses nor opposes any causes. Our primary purpose is to stay sexually sober and help others to achieve sexual sobriety. Adapted with permission from AA Grapevine Inc. Responsibility I am responsible. When anyone, anywhere reaches out for help, I want the hand of SA always to be Declaration there. And for that: I am responsible. We have a solution. We don’t claim it’s for everybody, but Sexaholics for us, it works. If you identify with us and think you may Anonymous share our problem, we’d like to share our solution with you Statement Of (Sexaholics Anonymous 2). In defining sobriety, we do not speak for those outside Sexaholics Anonymous. We can only speak Principle for ourselves. Thus, for the married sexaholic, sexual sobriety means having no form of sex with self or with persons other than the spouse. In SA’s sobriety definition, the term “spouse” refers to one’s partner in a marriage between a man and a woman. For the unmarried sexaholic, sexual sobriety means freedom from sex of any kind. And for all of us, single and married alike, sexual sobriety also includes progressive victory over lust (Sexaholics Anonymous 191-192). (Adopted 2010 by the General Delegate Assembly) The only requirement for SA membership is a desire to stop lusting and become sexually sober according to the SA sobriety definition. Any two or more sexaholics gathered together for SA sobriety according to the SA sobriety definition may call themselves an SA group. Meetings that do not adhere to and follow Sexaholics Anonymous’ sobriety statement as set forth in the foregoing Statement of Principle adopted by the General Delegate Assembly in 2010 are not SA meetings and shall not call themselves SA meetings. (Addendum to the Statement of Principle passed by the General Delegate Assembly on July 2016.) Essay is a publication of Sexaholics Anonymous [email protected] Copyright © 2020 All rights reserved. Resolution: “Since each issue of Essay cannot go through the SA Literature approval process, the Trustees and General Delegate Assembly recognize Essay as the International Journal of Sexaholics Anonymous and support the use of Essay materials in SA meetings.” Adopted by the Trustees and Delegate Assembly in May, 2016 2 www.sa.org/Essay February 2020 A periodic publication of Sexaholics Anonymous featuring: Practical Tools ES Check List Sobriety Being “Triggered” “Bad News” in SA Obsession Song Steps/ Traditions SAY On Being Willing “Figure It Out” Promote SA & Tradition 11 Sober Dating Dating - A Spiritual Experience Respecting Women in Recovery The More, The Healthier My Experience with Sober Dating EDITORS’ CORNER s o b e r d a t i n g February, 2020 Dear Essay readers: This issue of Essay includes many stories on “Sober Dating.” Our next issue in May, 2020 will focus on “Travel and SA Recovery.” Please send in any stories or short articles on your experience with traveling experiences in Sexaholics Anonymous. Future topics include: Lost in Translations in August, 2020. Let us hear from you at [email protected]. Be sure to see the Editor box on page 7. Our desire to be a global Meeting in Print continues. The free download of each issue in both English and Spanish reaches sexaholics around the world. As other translations are made available, we put them on our website. Posts on our web site make access to meaningful articles simple. All of these are at sa.org/essay Mailed print subscriptions are wonderful for those who want for the Essay to be easy to hand to newcomers and to use for meeting discussions. Usually the print edition of SA has fewer pages than the electronic version due to mailing requirements. Print or electronic, each version of Essay can serve you as a Meeting in Print. Thank you for being readers of Essay! The Editors (David M., Kent A., Daniel T., Will W.) Artists: (Christian M., Jimmy M., Luc D.) Subscribe to Essay! The electronic worldwide Essay (pdf file) is now free. Download your current or back copy from www.sa.org/essay Mailed individual five issue print subscriptions are $20 USD/year to addresses in the United States and to Canada and outside North America are $26 USD/year. Group rate (10+ copies sent to one address) for mailed copies is $17.50 USD/year to USA addresses. Multiple year subscriptions are welcome. Visit www.sa.org to subscribe or for information. Are you new to Sexaholics Anonymous? Find out more about us: * Contact our International Central Office * Visit the SA website at https://www.sa.org * Call us toll-free at 866-424-8777 or * E-mail us at [email protected] Outside of the USA call +1 615-370-6062 February 2020 3 Sober Dating Dating- A Spiritual Sober Dating.............................18 Experience...................................14 It is not for everyone Spiritual principles while dating My Experience With Sober Respecting Women Dating...........................................19 In Recovery.................................16 Ten years of patience pays off Learning to be appropriate The AA Experience ....................19 Significant Relationships in Single alcoholics and dating Recovery....................................16 Learning about intimacy The Legacy of Recovery....E21-22 From fantasy to marriage The More, The Healthier............17 Safeguards in dating [“E” pages are in pdf version] Practical Tools No Mistakes.................................22 Check List Sobriety.......................9 Hope arrives on time Using the daily tools works! Whew! I Made It!..........................22 Being “Triggered”.......................10 God is with me always An invitation to grow up Retirement Plan........................E23 “Bad News” In SA..................11 God is with me always (In serial form #4) SA Helps Me ‘Remarry’ My Wife............................................E24 Meditations Learning to value her The Blame Game.........................12 The Steps restore his balance Steps & Traditions On Being Willing.........................24 Land of Milk and Honey..............12 Gratitude for everything Living Step 8 The Real Connection..................13 “Figure It Out”.............................25 Finding an unexpected family in SA Not one of our slogans! Rap to My Higher Power.............13 Laughter and Sunlight................25 Ego, you’re fired! Surrender is always available Stories Promote SA & Tradition 11........26 Isolation In Subtle Forms...........21 Letting people know that we’re here! Discovering his wise elder 4 Essay If you have a wonderful idea for a recovery cartoon, and lack the ability to draw it out, please send it to me and I will do my best to make it into a visual cartoon. Contact Luc D: [email protected] World Wide News Also In This Issue: Editor Applications Sought.....7 SA Purpose...............................2 Responsibility Declaration.........2 For Newcomer Women.............8 Statement of Principle...............2 From the Trustees Subscribe to Essay.......................3 Dear Essay Letters.....................6 London Recovery Day............27 Worldwide Walls of SA..............7 Literature News.........................8 Traveling to Asia?..................27 Discussion Questions..............23 Help for Unity Day New Meetings...........................32 Finance Report.........................32 Phone & Internet Meetings....28 Permission to Copy...................32 Nashville International Conf..29 Submissions to Essay.................32 Steps.........................................34 Traditions..................................35 Calendar of Events............30 SA Conventions......................31 Toronto and Atlanta DONATE To SA international SACFC.....................................33 Use Paypal or credit card in 7 Generosity and Sponsoring currencies www.sa.org/donate/ Humor & SA............................33 February, 2020 5 Dear Essay Dear Essay, you with all the strength You’ve given me. Help me relax, take it easy and A short letter from a maternity ward, with gratitude, be humbly of service. just shared with my SA fellowship: Thy will, not mine be done. Good morning holy dear brothers! With lots of love. G.R.S. My name is Zusha and I am a Sexaholic. I am powerless over lust and would do anything to destroy Dear Essay, my life today, unless I have a miracle from God. Grateful to be in the time I’m pleased to inform you that of miracles! me and 2 other ex-pat men are now having regular SA meetings I am now in the hospital with in Sarajevo, Bosnia at 1:00PM on my wife, who they have to induce Thursdays. Laurens with EMER into labor, because of some signs of suggested I reach out to you to potential risks, God forbid. My addict update you on the meetings. What’s is fully here with me, aware of my the best way to communicate these fears, and offering lust, magazines, meetings to a broader audience? lustful videos on YouTube, fantasy, objectifying people and more. I’m also interested in starting an English speaking PHONE meeting God is behind it! Calling to me, “I for folks in Central Europe. How know my child, you cannot do this on do I go about getting that on the your own. You need spiritual help. I Virtual Intergroup info? I’ve reached hope you’ll remember all spirituality, out to them but haven’t gotten any all help, is from me.