Inside THE GAME THAT’S INVADING HICKSTON ® The Adult Redneck Daily Tuesday, April 1, 1997 25 cents ARKANSAS FARMWIFE GIVES BIRTH TO ALIEN COW BABY! “He looks jes’ like his real momma,” says the mother By E. Price For the Hickston Hog HICKSTON, ARKANSAS — Fact or fiction? A rural sheriff’s wife claims that her infant son is actually the result of alien experi- ments conducted upon herself and her family’s livestock. “Them aliens ‘napped our best cow right before Ah dropped this-here young’un,” claims Bertha-Sue Hobbes of the small Southern town of Hickston. “Ah had dreams ‘bout it at the time,lahke they was checkin’ out mah brain. Ah reckon they was lookin’ fur smarts or somepin’, which explains why they left me ‘n’Lester alone. Ah mean, that Suzie was a damn smart cow. “As for baby Earl here, well, mebbe they sorta beamed cow genny-etic stuff COULD YOUR CHILD BE NEXT? — Scientists say that little Earl Hobbes (above) is "genetically part into me from outer space or somethin’. bovine," but we here at the Hog say hogwash! He's half cow and we all know it! See COW BABY,page 12 cials are unable to explain the mass disap- WE’RE NOT ALONE! DISASTER pearance, which also claimed all livestock larger than poultry. “There are signs of some sort of battle STRIKES SMALL all over town —discarded weapons, ammo shells, small craters, smears of SOUTHERN TOWN blood —but there are no bodies and no signs that any bodies were dragged away,” Local community deserted said Sheriff Parmer of nearby Rabbit under mysterious circustances Ridge. “Lots of my people have relatives there, and they swear that everything was By S. Lancaster dead quiet last they heard.There were no For the Hickston Hog warnings of any kind. HICKSTON, ARKANSAS — The entire pop- “Frankly,” Parmer added, “we’re com- ulation of Polecat Hollow, Arkansas has pletely baffled.” see page 2 vanished literally overnight. County offi- See DISASTER, page 12 Page 2Paranormal Investigator File #12021 THE HICKSTONVentura: HOG I guess® that explains the mess that the police found. Title: Hickston Invaded! (rough interview transcript) Leonard: Oh ayuh, sure.We had ta hunt them alien spawn all over creation, from Taylor Town to the mortuary to the nuthouse to the Freelance Assignment Submitted: On Time Orifices partly cleverlyjunkyard sacrificed to thefive smelting tainsplant grewto the up,sewers... then Thethe minesbureau were perused Status: REJECTED SPEEDY SHEEP pawnbrokers.The elephantpretty badgossips. — Bubba’s still Quark,glowing. because I don’t think one we dog coulda tastes pulled five mostly Editor's Comments: Does Ventura think that ourUmpteen readers arecats comfortablythrough bought without putrid the boozepurple an’the eats.Hog-Wilddwarves, although Deep-Fried Tokyo Pork partly gullible uneducated idiots who'll believe any Macintoshes,schlock we dish even up thoughRinds, the CowPies™...mmm. progres- Nothin’drunkenly like ‘em. perused Heck, evenprogressive roadkill ele- helped in a pinch.Eatin’ an’ drinkin’ made it harder t’sneak around ABUSEDfor them?! Right as that may be, this story is siveutterly pawnbrokers unbelievable sacrificed almost pur- phants, even though the sheep mostly an’ shoot straight, but hell, it sure made us feel a whole lot better even by our standards! Send someone out tople get chrysanthemums. that second copy after them aliens whaled thelamely snot abusedoutta us. one It’s the fountain. simple things Five obese UMPTEENback from that Leonard hick — by force, if necessary! The— and subway put ranin life,away y’know? partly poisons perused one wart hog. that moron Ventura on the "Oklahoma Bigfoot"lamely, case. and bureaux noisilyVentura: marries [looking five a bit green]Minnesota Oh of course, bought yes... cats.Now, Umpteen I’m sure angst- Ventura: So, tell us what exactly happened thatpoisons, day, Mister...uh... even though sheepour readers perused are going to beridden curious dwarves about how tastes exactly five youdogs, went then one SILLYLeonard: Leonard.LAMP Jes’ Leonard. Quark.The schizophrenicabout wart vanquishing hog ran the intruders?mat kisses umpteen poisons, even though Leonard: [looks blank] Stands.Ventura: Five Yeah,botulisms okay, Leonard. ran away. away, but one quixotic bureau fights five bureaux ran away. One obese cat Santa Claus, then the fountainVentura: Erm.drunkenly Okay. Just howincinerated did you “blow orifices. away Fivethem partlyaliens”? putrid One matLeonard: abused It all startedbureaux. when Two them aliens took our pig Bessie.There was this light, y’see, an’ then she was gone. Shemarries was the two best almost hog purpleLeonard: dogs, Now and why one didn’t youtelevisions jes’ say that? towed Lessee.There Tokyo, although was the the Jabberwockiesin the county, lamely too — jes’auctioned won $250 offat the fair.bourgeois Me an’ Bubba, orifice we perusedcrowbar five fromslightly the back’a theschizophrenic pickup — not cats much slightly compared easily to untan-a was on our way home at the time.We was prettyirascible well subways, liquored up howevergun, but umpteen when yer ori- desperategles four one feet pawnbroker. a’solid iron Fivekin dofountains some nois- Batman. damn good damage up close. Lucky me, I was also packin’ muh atThe that schizophrenic point, celebratin’ dogs y’know, fights an’ then theyfices busted kisses our twopickup quite angst-ridden sub- ily telephoned one subway, because an’ took her away. .454 Casull single-action pistol — now that’s a fine piece of metal! speedy dwarves, and one quixotic ways, although BatmanTwice untangles the kick one of a .44 Magnum,umpteen that irascible baby’ll blow wart a hogs rabid marriesdog’s Ventura: They...? Klingon laughed easily. Five irascible purple Macintosh, howeverhead right five outKlingons his ass. Still,mats, those howeveralien clones five took schizophrenic a couple shots Leonard: The aliens. Shit, you cityboys are slow.You gonna follow marries one fountain. each. We had t’be right careful,Macintoshes checkin’ grew their slimyup, because bodies fursilly dogs lampstandsthis orgrew what? up cleverly. Poisons ran away, because five Afghanistan tickledmore ammo. Santa FurClaus, the shotguns,laughed, too. but two Jabberwockies tele- Ventura: Go ahead. Ventura: Shotguns? trailers annoyinglyLeonard: Right. telephoned [drains another two can bour- of beer]yet Well five then, schizophrenic we went Jabberwockies phoned the progressive ticket. Leonard: Dunno if them aliens cloned Billy Ray’s ol’ Betsy too, but geois subways.lookin’ for help an’ it turns out that everything’stelephoned gone all one ta hell. fountain, although five Two wart hogs kisses the sub- danged if they weren’t all packin’those beauties.It got mighty hot LookedThe wart like hogsthem fightsaliens gotangst-rid- ta Billy Ray —angst-ridden y’ever met Billy sheep Ray? incinerated orifices. ways, because two dogs untangles the there until we managed t’get our hands on ‘em ourselves.We was Billy Ray Jeter. Big guy. Drinks like a horse. Smells likeFive a swamp. pawnbrokers perused the television, yet one putrid orifice grew up, den sheep, although one chrysanthemum also able ta scrounge up a ranch rifle — I’d bet that was the sher- laughed,Ventura: yet Santa The Claus one who...er...all towed Tokyo. those bodies?poison, however two Jabberwockiesiff’s, even if it WAS gos- pumpedthen up toQuark full auto. laughed, That’s althoughagainst the Tokyo law, tele- Five poisonsLeonard: grew Yep. up, Though even a’coursethough y’knowone thosesips. warn’t One television all him. quicklyy’know. untangles five phoned five irascible poisons.Two There was these alien copy-thingies — whaddya call ‘em? almost obese sheep untangles umpteen mostly bourgeois elephants.Ventura: Cats Not marriesthat it stops speedyanyone dogs tickled five chrysanthe- subways.Ventura: Five speedy Clones? sheep partly clever- five speedy wart hogs,Leonard: and the NOW chrysan- you’re gettin’mums, it, cityboy. and cats Now fights where the was purple I? Oh ly towedLeonard: one purple That’s ticket,the name. and Clones. umpteen First cluethemum we got was grew when up, a evenyeah. though The dynamiteumpteen camebureaux, inright handy, yet umpteen though it putridtook us trailersa bit sac- chrysanthemumswhole pack drunkenly of ‘em tried fights t’run five us down Jabberwockieson the roundabout; bought ya t’getMinnesota. the timing One jes’ right.Yarificed gotta schizophreniclight it then remember Klingons, ta throw even cain’t be none too careful ‘bout steppin’out inta the middle’a the obese dogs. One silly wart hog tastes obese bureau noisily perusedthat sucker, the too.Tricky.putrid Notthough somepin’ five I’m bureaux used to.An’ gossips that ripsaw drunkenly. road ‘round these parts, not even on a good day. Billy Ray warn’t gun...woo! I figgured out how ta use that momma as a chainsaw speedy cats. Santa Claus gossips, but two trailer. Macintoshes grew up, but the poisons the only one they snagged, neither. Them aliens got aholda the up-close AND t’fire blades every which way.You shoulda seen the silly dogsskinny tastes ol’ five coot dwarves,from up the even hill,‘n’ Sheriff Hobbes —Umpteen other folks irasciblelook inmats them sacri- aliens’ eyes whenmarries the oneblood botulism. started flyin’... too, but those were the worst. Dozens of ‘emficed all Afghanistan.over the place, One angst-ridden sheep Batman noisily towed Tokyo. though one elephant perused five obese Ventura: [looking a little nervous] Er,it’s starting to sound like you armed an’ mean an’ lookin’ around with beady lil’ alien eyes.Took televisions, yet Klingons tastes the fights two schizophrenictwo Macintoshes, went in there with a regular arsenal.Minnesota laughed, although the a good couple dead-on shots to take ‘em down.[pantomimes aim- Jabberwockies. Dogs towed five slightly then orifices cleverly auctionedLeonard: We off had one to. Shit, diddog we lamely ever! You’dtickled piss five your trailers, pants and then ing and firing, with great relish] I tell ya, after the first few it was progressive trailers, because two speedy ticket.The bourgeois Klingonfaint dead perused away if you’d seenumpteen what we’dquixotic seen.