EUELPIDES (listening to his bird) You said that last time and we’ve BIRDS ended up here again! By Aristophanes Translated and adapted by Graham Kirby PITHETAERUS Great! We’re lost! with further adaptations by Daren Blanck EUELPIDES You mean, you don’t know the way home either? Characters in the Play EUELPIDES an Athenian PITHETAERUS Nope. PITHETAERUS an Athenian TROCHILUS servant to Epops EUELPIDES I’d say something rude but there are teachers here. EPOPS, Leader of the Chorus of Birds A BIRD CHORUS OF BIRDS PITHETAERUS It’s never stopped you before. HERALD PRIEST from Athens EUELPIDES Well, man, we were well and truly mugged! Two birds to POET from Athens tell the way and we still got lost. (To his bird) No! I’m not going that way METON a geometrician from Athens again. (To PITHETAERUS) And which way does your bird say we should POLITICIAN from Athens go? IRIS a messenger goddesses CINESIAS another poet from Athens PITHETAERUS He says that, if I don’t feed him soon, he’s gonna eat MESSENGERS my fingers. SPY 1 an informer from Athens SPY 2 an informer from Athens EUELPIDES We’re doomed! But perhaps we should explain to the PROMETHEUS a Titan audience what we’re doing? Yeah? Ok. (To audience) We’ve had enough. POSEIDON the god of the sea TRIBALLUS a foreign god HERCULES a hero PITHETAERUS We’re leaving this dump. We don’t exactly hate the SLAVES OF PITHETAERUS place, but if you thought Nicias was a bad ruler, you should try living beneath the iron thumb of Alcibiades. (SCENE:- outside of Athens. EUELPIDES and PITHETAERUS enter with birds on their hands) EUELPIDES (interrupting) Lawyers! Bankers! Politicians! We’ve had enough of all of them. So we’re leaving and going to live with the birds. EUELPIDES (to his bird) So which way now? Anyplace has got to be better than here! PITHETAERUS (to his bird) What? You think I should go that way? PITHETAERUS Here! Look! Page 1a Birds By Aristophanes Page 1b EUELPIDES What, man? EUELPIDES And what about you? What are you? PITHETAERUS My crow’s pointing to something up there! TROCHILUS I am a slave-bird. You see, my master was turned into a bird and he begged me to become a bird too. So I did. EUELPIDES What do we do? EUELPIDES Well, can you call your master for us? PITHETAERUS Do you know what to do? TROCHILUS But he’s just having his afternoon nap. EUELPIDES Dunno. Make bird noises, I guess. EUELPIDES Wake him up. EUELPIDES and PITHETAERUS (calling out making silly bird noises) EEEEpops, EEEEEpops! TROCHILUS Trust me, man, he’ll be angry. But if you like – (Exit TROCHILUS into the thicket) HERALD (to audience) Yes, the Greeks really thought birds sounded like that. EPOPS (from within) Who wants me? Who woke me up? (Enter EPOPS looking very much like Elvis but with a great peacock tail) TROCHILUS (rushing out of a thicket) Who's there? Who calls my master? EUELPIDES By Hercules! What a bird! Beautiful plumage! PITHETAERUS (in terror) By Apollo! What a big beak he has! EPOPS Thank you. Thank you very much. But who are you? What do you want? TROCHILUS (equally frightened) Bird-catchers! Run everyone! EUELPIDES We? We are… (covers his mouth so the other birds don't EUELPIDES We’re not bird-catchers. We’re not even men. hear) humans TROCHILUS What are you, then? EPOPS Speak up man! EUELPIDES We’re birds! EUELPIDES (Lounder) Humans. (The other birds react in shock) TROCHILUS Yeah right. And I suppose he’s a bird as well, is he? EPOPS Really. And what brings you here? (Points to PITHETAERUS) EUELPIDES We’ve come to see you. PITHETAERUS (weakly) Yes... EPOPS Me? What for? Page 2a Birds By Aristophanes Page 2b EUELPIDES Well, you were a man once, right? Like us, you had PITHETAERUS And eliminates a lot of bankers. money troubles, grades, ex-girlfriends causing trouble. Then you became a bird and you left all your troubles behind you. We wanna be like you. EPOPS And we eat well too. EPOPS So you’re looking for a city better than Athens, are you? EUELPIDES Sounds good. EUELPIDES No, not really better, but one with less grief, man. PITHETAERUS Hang on a minute. I think I might have a cunning plan. EPOPS Well, tell me, man, what kinda city would you most like to live in? EPOPS And what’s that, man? EUELPIDES The kinda place where your neighbour knocks on your PITHETAERUS We should found a new city. door and says “Come over, we’re having a party all day and there are no teachers here.” EUELPIDES That’s what we’re trying to do. Find a city. EPOPS That’s what I call a hard life, man. (To PITHETAERUS) And what PITHETAERUS No! We should found our own city! about you? EPOPS We birds? But what sort of city should we build? PITHETAERUS I want the same as him. No teachers. PITHETAERUS Seriously! Look down. EPOPS And what else? EPOPS I’m looking. PITHETAERUS The kinda place where you come back from a hard day of doing nothing and there’s someone there to turn on the TV for PITHETAERUS Now look up. you. EPOPS I’m looking. EPOPS I see you are fond of suffering. PITHETAERUS Turn your head round. EUELPIDES So tell us, what is it like to live with the birds? EPOPS Yes... EPOPS Well, it's not a bad life. In the first place, there’s no money. PITHETAERUS What have you seen? EUELPIDES That does away with a lot of mischief. EPOPS The clouds and the sky. Page 3a Birds By Aristophanes Page 3b PITHETAERUS That’s where we’ll build our city. Somewhere EPOPS First say TORO. Everyone say TORO. between the ground and the sky! AUDIENCE TORO. EPOPS Great idea! But we’ll have to get the birds to agree to it. EPOPS Now say it four times TOROTOROTOROTORO. PITHETAERUS Great! And who is going to persuade them? AUDIENCE TOROTOROTOROTORO. EPOPS You. EPOPS Now put TIX on the end so it is PITHETAERUS But I don’t speak ‘bird’. TOROTOROTOROTOROTIX. EPOPS Don’t worry, they speak quite good English these days. AUDIENCE TOROTOROTOROTOROTIX. PITHETAERUS So how do we get them here? EPOPS One more time for practice: TOROTOROTOROTOROTIX. EPOPS Leave that to me. (Calling offstage) Epopopoi popoi popopopoi AUDIENCE TOROTOROTOROTOROTIX. popoi! EPOPS Now call out KIKKABAU KIKKABAU! PITHETAERUS That doesn’t sound like English to me. AUDIENCE KIKKABAU KIKKABAU! EUELPIDES Shut it! EPOPS Now put them together. Like this: PITHETAERUS Well, its not. TOROTOROTOROTOROTIX KIKKABAU KIKKABAU! EUELPIDES Just be quiet, man! AUDIENCE TOROTOROTOROTOROTIX KIKKABAU KIKKABAU! EPOPS Epopopoi popoi popopopoi popoi! EPOPS Once more, and louder this time! (nothing) It’s no good. They can’t hear me. AUDIENCE TOROTOROTOROTOROTIX KIKKABAU KIKKABAU! PITHETAERUS Why don’t we get the audience to help? PITHETAERUS Thank you. Can you see any birds? EPOPS Good plan. EUELPIDES Not yet... EUELPIDES So what do they need to do? Page 4a Birds By Aristophanes Page 4b A BIRD (entering) Torotix! Torotix! EPOPS (stepping in front of the CHORUS) What have these men done to you? PITHETAERUS Look at all these birds... chickens... ducks... kestrels... LEADER OF THE CHORUS They’re men! Let’s punish them. EUELPIDES Look, man, that bird looks just like Mr Moimoi. EPOPS Despite their medical experiments on us they don’t mean to PITHETAERUS What? You mean that bald eagle? harm us, let’s hear what they have to say – LEADER OF THE CHORUS Popopopopopo! Who called us? PITHETAERUS You promise to give us a fair hearing? Where is he? LEADER OF THE CHORUS I promise. And if I break my word, EPOPS I called you! I’ll spend the rest of my life doing extra homework. LEADER OF THE CHORUS What do you want? PITHETAERUS So. Birds are cool. It almost goes without saying. But what people don’t know is that, actually, they are king of the animals. EPOPS These two men – LEADER OF THE CHORUS Us, kings? Over what? LEADER OF THE CHORUS Men! PITHETAERUS Over everything. Even Zeus himself. CHORUS But we’re birds, they’re men, ok? LEADER OF THE CHORUS What? EUELPIDES We don’t wanna hurt you – PITHETAERUS Yes. CHORUS But we’re birds, they’re men, ok? Attack them! Strike them Hit them Peck them. LEADER OF THE CHORUS I never knew that before! Bite them. Cage them Feed them Pet them. (CHORUS rushes at the two men) PITHETAERUS So first I advise that the birds gather together in one city and that they build a wall of great bricks round the plains of EUELPIDES What do we do? the air and the whole region of space that divides earth from heaven. PITHETAERUS Wait a minute... EPOPS Sounds lovely. LEADER OF THE CHORUS Come on, birds. Let’s go for the kill - PITHETAERUS And it’ll be a lovely city. Free from all the worries on earth, none of the hassle. Come on, let’s go and start work – Page 5a Birds By Aristophanes Page 5b (Exit PITHETAERUS, EUELPIDES, and EPOPS) PITHETAERUS First we have to give our city a name. Then we have to thank the gods. CHORUS (The CHORUS turns and faces the audience) So, they’ve formed a new world and that’s right. EUELPIDES Good plan. They’re clever, done ok and they’re bright. But if any of you wants to be LEADER OF THE CHORUS So, what’ll we call our city? A beautiful bird just like me You can join us you know PITHETAERUS Shall we call it ..