TABLE OF CONTENTS Title Page Dedication Chicago, 1968 Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Author’s Note About the Author Also by Charlotte Carter Copyright Page for Bonnie (Neysa) Pessin and for Carol Brice, Tor Faegre, Phyllis Forsbeck, Karen Kamarat, Saundra Pittman, Mark Riegel, and Stan Zuni CHICAGO, 1968 They say hell is other people. But what do they know? Call me a reformed loner. After a lifetime of singleness, I am now living with a group of people almost any one of whom I would cut off an arm for. We live in a tumbledown apartment that vibrates with the comings and goings of eight reasonably healthy young people living in their time. We study for exams, work shitty-paying gigs selling blue jeans or repairing bicycles, we talk about movies, bake bread, listen to records, and throw our hearts and bodies into the antiwar effort. The demonstration at the Van Buren Street draft office today turned ugly, and thanks to the shiny billy clubs of Chicago’s finest, one of the sweeter residents in our urban commune, Cliff Tobin, has a fat lip. The rest of us proudly wear our assorted bruises. But we are all okay. We have made it back home. Music is playing now, loud and defiant. One of our number is rolling enough good dope to cool out the state of Oklahoma. At the secondhand kitchen table, we will have a magnificent soup with root vegetables newly out of the earth, bum cigarettes, drink from one another’s cups. Later in the night each of us will be somewhere in the city lying with a lover. Even me. Even me, freckle-faced not-so-good-looking little black girl from the South Side, a happy recruit in the rock ’n’ roll army of my generation, acid-dropping, yes to love, no to authority, eating life with a spoon, and whatever I was like last year, it’s all different now. Yes, I know: The world has been around a long time, doing just fine without us. We probably think way too much of ourselves. I don’t care. And anyway, it’s almost Christmas. CHAPTER ONE MONDAY 1 “Hey, Cassandra,” Wilton said in that sleepy voice of his. “Huh?” I said. “How much you bet me?” “About what?” “I bet you and me are the onliest niggers in Chicago know every song on the Creedence Clearwater album.” “No bet. I know we are.” We fell out laughing. Truth to tell, I had nothing against Creedence and neither did Wilton. But our friend and roommate Dan Zuni, a beautiful Pueblo Indian kid with a mane of coal-black hair and the slim-hipped build of a female fashion model, had a psychotic thing for them. Night and day he had Creedence on the record player in his bedroom. Once in a while I had to beg for mercy. He was always nice enough to give it a rest when I complained, but a couple of hours later “Suzie Q” would be blasting again. Wilton had me laughing so hard my ribs ached. But that wasn’t such a tough assignment. I was stoned—we both were—and just about everything was funny. We lay side by side on the floor of my room, only a couple of feet away from the new space heater my uncle Woody had paid for. Winter in Chicago is nothing to trifle with. You might think you know about our winters because of that record Lou Rawls had where he referred to the wind whipping off Lake Michigan as the Hawk. Don’t kid yourself. You don’t know. At night my room was like the north face of Everest. But I was low on cash, so Woody sprang for the heater, despite his being none too pleased with me these days. Uncle Woody loved me, no question. But I had recently left home, moved out of the spacious high-rise apartment in Hyde Park where I had lived with him and my aunt Ivy since I was eleven years old. They were pretty pissed about it. Maybe it wouldn’t have been such an affront if I’d taken a nice studio apartment in a respectable South Side development like Lake Meadows. Maybe they’d have been able to write it off as an understandable step toward independence. That’s not what I did, though, when I left home. I moved all the way up to the North Side, to a rambling apartment with sloping floors and niggardly steam heat, where I had anywhere from three to seven roommates, depending on who was sleeping at a lover’s apartment, who was hitchhiking to California, or who was back home in Indiana for some holiday. At the moment we were without any pet critters, though it was just about time for one of our number to find another stray kitten or take in an orphaned parakeet. Woody and Ivy Lisle are my de facto parents. My mother, Haddy Perry, left me in my grandmother’s care when I was eight, and she’s been in the wind ever since. The years with Grandma Perry were brief but hideous. To put it mildly, we never hit it off. And, in a masterpiece of understatement, let me say I was not a happy child. As I get older, I try not to blame her so much for her part in my misery. The best I can figure, she and my mother had never been the greatest of pals, and as soon as Mom was of age, she cut herself loose from home and hearth. Then, at just the time in the old lady’s life when child rearing should have been far behind her, she got saddled with a needy youngster—that would be me—subject to bouts of depression, panic, and rage. Like her husband before her, Grandma was called home, in the Negro parlance, at a fairly young age. My guess is, she had had it up to here and was good and ready to go. At any rate, that’s when her younger sister Ivy took me in. As for my biological father? You tell me. My family history is lousy with secrets, vague explanations that don’t hold water, and outright lies. The story of how I came into being partakes of every one of those things. The three years with my weary grandmother at her house on Forest Street, at the heart of the heart of the South Side’s ghetto, are now a blur of loneliness and resentment. Ivy and Woody saved me. I was spared from the home for wayward juveniles and the welfare rolls, if not from a revolving cast of school bullies who hassled the shit out of me for being teacher’s pet. Under the fond gaze of Woody and Ivy, my love for reading and excelling at school was rewarded with gift-boxed fountain pens, season subscriptions to the Young People’s Orchestra, and summers at theater arts camp, where I painted flats for Death Takes a Holiday and then wowed them as Berenice in The Member of the Wedding. And at home I got away with murder: my own television, no bedtime curfew, allowed to drink coffee with my breakfast and mingle with the cocktail party guests, sipping 7-Up from a martini glass and eating myself stupid on deviled shrimp canapés. So, goody-good little Cassandra, who used to write those prize-winning essays for Negro History Week, joined a hippie commune. Yep, I’m all grown up now, twenty years old, and taking my rightful place as a black freak. With visions of group sex, drug addiction, and me never again folding my dinner napkin, my very proper aunt Ivy had near about fainted when I broke the news. I took a big pull from the joint I was sharing with Wilton and passed it over to him—tried to, anyway. He was lost in his own thoughts now, and didn’t notice me until I made a fist and knocked gently on his forehead. Those limpid eyes of his seemed to shine love out at me. My friend Wilton’s upbringing, despite the fractured grammar he affected, had been even more rarefied than mine. Both his parents were of the black professional class, mother a pediatric surgeon and father a big-bucks attorney. Wilton was born into the high bourgeoisie, as his parents and their parents before them had been. Fact, going back to the Reconstruction, his family tree hung heavy with scientists, teachers, and industrialists. In keeping with the cloud cover over my family history, I really don’t know where my aunt Ivy’s refinement or my uncle Woody’s money came from. I was grateful to Woody and Ivy for converting my life from shit to sugar. I tried never to hurt or disappoint them, and I’d been the best girl I could be for a long time. If you asked them, they’d likely say my days as an obedient child had ended without notice some time during the month of April 1968. I guess they’d be right. Something had happened to me that record-setting, murderous spring, with its weather from heaven and headlines from hell. You ticked off the horrors as spring folded into summer: King murdered; urban riots; the war inflating like a corpse in muddy water; RFK murdered; students assaulted and killed all over the globe.