Seton Hall University eRepository @ Seton Hall Seton Hall University Dissertations and Theses Seton Hall University Dissertations and Theses (ETDs) Fall 2012 Sudden, Unexpected Divorce: A Family Systems Perspective on the Meanings Parents Make of the Event Geraldine Mary Kerr Seton Hall University Follow this and additional works at: https://scholarship.shu.edu/dissertations Part of the Clinical Psychology Commons Recommended Citation Kerr, Geraldine Mary, "Sudden, Unexpected Divorce: A Family Systems Perspective on the Meanings Parents Make of the Event" (2012). Seton Hall University Dissertations and Theses (ETDs). 1835. https://scholarship.shu.edu/dissertations/1835 SUDDEN, UNEXPECTED DIVORCE: A FAMILY SYSTEMS PERSPECTNE ON THE MEANINGS PARENTS MAKE OF THE EVENT \• I BY I GERALDINE MARY KERR I I I 1 Dissertation Committee Robert F. Massey, Ph.D., Mentor Ben Beitin, Ph.D. I Sharon Davis Massey, Ph.D. Henry Schreitmueller, Ed.D. I I Submitted in partial fulfillment ofthe requirements for the degree Doctor of Philosophy Seton Hall University 2012 , 1 SETON HALL UNIVERSITY COLLEGE OF EDUCATION AND HUMAN SERVICES OFFICE OF GRADUATE STUDIES 1 1 i 1 " 1 APPROVAL FOR SUCCESSFUL DEFENSE I Doctoral Candidate, Geraldine Mary Kerr, has successfully defended and made the I required modifications to the text of the doctoral dissertation for the Ph.D. during this Fall Semester 2012. Ii DISSERTATION COMMITTEE (please sign and date beside your name) Mentor: ~ Dr. Robert Masse): ~ J~ ~, IPb. D, (( 1<).-> /t<. Committee .Member: ~ /2 -=--- Dr. Ben Belten J7~"""1.1L> Irl7/d '2-­ Committee Member: ~ -vY1 W ~j Dr.SharonMassey ~//!~ ! //~c- ? { ,1 External Reader: c// Henrv Schreitmueller l~ f.~fo I1 1 The mentor and any other committee members who wish to review revisions will sign and date this document only when revisions have been completed. Please return this form to the Office of Graduate Studies, where it will be placed in the candidate's file and submit a copy with your final dissertation to be bound as page number two. Abstract This research was focused on the meanings that parents who have experienced sudden, unexpected divorce make ofthe events. Data were acquired through semistructured interviews that were conducted with eight parents from a Northeast U.S. suburban area who had experienced sudden endings oftheir marriages. The researcher utilized a phenomenological research design to guide analyses and development of patterns and themes that were revealed through the participants' narratives. A contextual understanding of family-systems theory, research on divorce, literature on sudden, unexpected events, ambiguous loss, shattered assumptions, and a meaning-making process through deconstruction and reconstruction guided this study. All of the participants believed they were married forever. Five ofthe participants described severe reactions they had upon ultimately learning that their spouses were involved in duplicitous relationships. Betrayal was an added component to their pile-up of losses in traumatic endings to their sudden, unexpected divorces. All participants' narratives revealed a continuous process ofdeconstruction and reconstruction as they tried to make meanings out ofendings that seemed to make no sense at all. All of the participants whose marriages ended in sudden, unexpected divorces experienced a pile-up oflosses associated with the sudden endings of their marriages. These included divorces that were unilaterally imposed by one partner with an absence of the other partner being part of the decision-making process and abandonment issues connected to divorce that was unilaterally imposed by one partner. A sixth participant knowingly "accommodated" her husband's substance abuse and was shattered when, despite her willingness to look the other way, her spouse unexpectedly ended the marriage anyway. A seventh participant intensified his spiritual life as a path toward a more vibrant and loving marriage. His spirituality was used against him as his wife sought divorce. An eighth participant was shocked and devastated as well, moving from "It made no sense at all" to "Looking back, it makes all the sense in the world." Results revealed that all participants suffered losses inherent from abandonment. Because of close family ties that participants described in marriages that they believed would last forever, traumatic endings had ripple effects on both the participants and their children. Participants appeared stronger through verbalizing detailed, subjective meanings oftheir experiences through narrative processes ofthe interviews. Their greatest motivation to "live - while simultaneously dying" was their children. Each of the participants reported satisfying, loving relationships with each oftheir children. All participants cited the roles of family and friends as supports that were central to their lives during traumatic divorce endings. Strong faith and a sense ofspirituality were cited by seven ofthe participants as key to helping them survive their many losses. This research points to new understandings ofdivorce vis-a.-vis traumatic reactions. Based on participants' interviews, it would appear that the literature on trauma, loss, bereavement, sudden endings, and meaning-making in the face ofloss provides more fertile areas to draw on in understanding complexities inherent in divorce that is traumatic than is the research on divorce. Clinical implications include therapists asking divorce clients what divorce losses represent to them, including assessing levels oftrauma, feelings ofshame, victimization or humiliation, and issues that may be blocking their capacities to grieve. 11 Acknowledgements , This is the day that the Lord had made; we will rejoice and be glad in it. 1 (Psalm 118:24) ~ :'1 m ~ I First and foremost, I give thanks to God. Without His love and guidance, I would not be i where I am in my life. To my children - Robert, Christopher, Elisabeth, and Jennifer - for your love and belief in me. From when you were so young, my education was a part of your life. You were most patient. While we were not much ofa sports family, our ability to communicate and say what we mean became our alternate treasure. How we evolved into the family we are I only God knows, but what amazes me most is that not one of us would have changed the journey even ifwe could. As I watched you grow and evolve into the loving, giving people that you are, I understood more fully the prayer ofSt. Augustine, "Faith is to believe what we cannot see. And the reward of that faith is to see what we believed." To my dear in-law children - Mary-Ellen, Kelly, Tom, and Gregg - each of you has made our family complete. Our relationships mean more to me than you could ever know. Your love and belief in me are part of me. I cherish being another mother to all of you. Our collective excitement at times of our get-togethers brings me joy and makes us the family that we are. Put all ofthe children into the mix, and we know just how blessed we are! We truly are the "wind beneath each other's wings." I• To my grandchildren - Meghan, Bobby, Erin-Mary, Shane, Ethan, Samantha, Katelyn, Gabriella and Cooper you are lights in my life. You are wonderful children who have made our family complete. The love each of you shares with me has helped support me to finish this degree. I learn so much from each ofyou. To my stepdad - Vinny Yes, "that paper" is fmally complete! Your love, pride, and support have always meant the world to me. Now we can go out and celebrate! To my dear friends Gina and John - The day that you took my four and put them with your six, I knew that we were family! The support you gave me in the early years will never be forgotten. I would not have been able to pursue my education without you ­ both the physical and emotional support were and are treasured. To my former spouse, long-passed, with gratitude for the early years and deep family roots that ultimately supported my transformation and an ability to see with fresh eyes. III To my dissertation committee -- Dr. Robert Massey, Mentor - your commitment to my thesis will always be appreciated. Your value for editorial excellence taught me a lot and will long be remembered. Dr. Ben Beitin - your leadership and guidance through the research process helped in so many ways. I will always be grateful to you for your help. Dr. Sharon Massey - your interest and commitment to my thesis topic was so helpful. Your input has been invaluable. Dr. Henry Schreitmueller - your long-term commitment to me in the completion ofthis Ph.D. means a lot. Dr. Wesley Matsui - although no longer on my committee, your role in making my thesis more culturally sensitive is greatly appreciated. To the participants - In spite of all your pain, you shared your stories so willingly and openly. Your participation in this study has enhanced knowledge ofdivorce and sudden, unexpected events for the clinical community in rich and meaningful ways. May your lives be blessed as you take your families forward! "The gift ofhope is as big a gift as the gift oflife itself." -Vaclav Havel iv Dedication In memory of my Mom and Dad Mom, your warm and loving Italian heart and Dad, your Polish strength and determination were the best gifts you ever could have given me. You told me I could do anything I set my mind to, and you were so right! Our family, founded on deep ethnic roots, faith-filled traditions, and strong grandparent presence, became an embedded multi-generational model that came alive as I guided my own family forward.