THE TELEPORTATION ACCIDENT PDF, EPUB, EBOOK Ned Beauman | 368 pages | 11 Apr 2013 | Hodder & Stoughton General Division | 9780340998441 | English | London, United Kingdom The Teleportation Accident By Ned Beauman | The Independent | The Independent Want to Read Currently Reading Read. Error rating book. Refresh and try again. The Teleportation Accident Quotes Showing of Somewhere in northern Rhodesia there was a bull elephant who had got drunk on fermented marula fruit, rampaged through a nearby village, and fallen asleep in a ditch, and was now pleasantly surprised to find itself greeting the day with only the mild headache that follows a couple of bottles of good red wine… Perhaps if he got in touch with the relevant authorities he could get this unfortunate little mix-up corrected, but he would have to do so without moving his head or opening his eyes. Otherwise he would die from the pain. Or to put it another way, it's as if all the different weights and cares of the world have been lifted from your shoulders to he replaced by a single, much larger sort of consolidated weight. Your limbs stop working and you can't really talk. If you take enough then it can last for hours and hours, but it seems like even longer because time slows down. They truly believe that goodness has some causal relationship with beauty. Which is idiotic, yes, but no more idiotic than you are, Egon. When you see a girl like Adele Hitler with an innocent, pretty face, can you honestly tell me you don't assume she must be an angelic person? Even though it makes about as much sense as astrology. And how to Lay them. He referred to it constantly, like a psalter, with an inexhaustible excitement at the notion that it was possible to seduce a woman just by following a rigorous system of instructions. The problem was, there wasn't much in it that he felt he could put to practical use. Run to the kitchen while she's still snoozing fit to bust, and come back with what I like to call the Egg Majestique. That's one of every type of egg on a tray: a soft-boiled egg, a hard-boiled egg, an egg over easy, an egg sunny side up, a poached egg, a devilled egg, a pickled egg, a coddled egg, a scrambled egg, a one-egg omelette, and a shot of egg nog for the hangover. No dame will be able to believe you know so many ways to cook eggs. Egg protein is good for the manly function, and after you've pulled off the Egg Majestique, you'll probably need it, if you know what I mean. Which is why I'm absolutely not going if we don't get some coke. It's incredibly boring. You know how it is. You catch sight of an old flame and get this breathless animal prickle like a fox in a room with a hound. But that's no consolation to Egon Loeser, whose carnal misfortunes will push him from the experimental theaters of Berlin to the absinthe bars of Paris to the physics laboratories of Los Angeles, trying all the while to solve two mysteries: Was it really a deal with Satan that claimed the life of his hero, Renaissance set designer Adriano Lavicini, creator of the so-called Teleportation Device? And why is it that a handsome, clever, modest guy like him can't-just once in a while-get himself laid? Ned Bauman has crafted a stunningly inventive, exceptionally funny, dangerously unsteady and largely coherent novel about sex, violence, space, time, and how the best way to deal with history is to ignore it. Beauman is undoubtedly a writer of prodigious talent, and there are enough ideas [here] If there was ever any worry that [Beauman] might have crammed all his ideas into his first book, the prize-winning Boxer, Beetle , this makes it clear he kept a secret bunker of his best ones aside. But what a wormhole! An unquestionably brilliant novel, ribald and wise in equal measure Witty and sometimes deeply moving. A stunningly inventive, exceptionally funny, dangeoursly unsteady and largely coherent novel about sex, violence, space, time, and how the best way to deal with history is to ignore it. You can unsubscribe from newsletters at any time by clicking the unsubscribe link in any newsletter. The Teleportation Accident | The Booker Prizes It's incredibly boring. You know how it is. You catch sight of an old flame and get this breathless animal prickle like a fox in a room with a hound. And then all night you have to seem carefree and successful and elated, which is a pretence that for some reason you feel no choice but to maintain even though you know they're better qualified than anyone else in the world to detect immediately that you're really the same hapless cunt as ever. The fact that you are so neurotic about your past lovers makes it both fortunate and predictable that you have so few of them. It's one of those elegant self-regulating systems that one so often finds in nature. Loesers teleportatieongeluk was op geen stukken na zo ernstig. Er vielen geen doden. Het Allianztheater werd niet verwoest. Alleen Klugweils beide armen raakten uit de kom. Dat werd overigens pas later vastgesteld. Het enige wat Loeser en Blumstein zagen nadat ze waren toegesneld, was dat Klugweil half uit zijn riemen hing met zijn armen en benen in rare hoeken, lijkbleek en met uitpuilende ogen. Het schouwspel deed Loeser onweerstaanbaar denken aan een stel bovenmaatse, bleke mannelijke geslachtsdelen die op pijnlijke wijze klem zaten in een sportbroekje. Je armen en benen doen het niet meer en je kunt niet meer goed praten. Als je genoeg inneemt kan het uren duren, maar het lijkt nog langer omdat de tijd vertraagt. Uit een korte forensische reconstructie van enkele minuten bleek zelfs dat hij vermoedelijk had geprobeerd zelf jamdonuts te maken van weinig meer dan rauwe kool en agostura. Show 0 comments. Sign up Already have an account? Update preferences. Comments Share your thoughts and debate the big issues. Already registered? Log in. Cancel Delete comment. Cancel Flag comment. Independent Premium comments 0 Independent Premium comments Open comments 0 open comments. Join the discussion. Join the discussion Create a commenting name to join the debate Submit. Reply Delete 0 0. Cancel Post. Forgotten your password? Want an ad-free experience? If there was ever any worry that [Beauman] might have crammed all his ideas into his first book, the prize-winning Boxer, Beetle , this makes it clear he kept a secret bunker of his best ones aside. But what a wormhole! An unquestionably brilliant novel, ribald and wise in equal measure Witty and sometimes deeply moving. A stunningly inventive, exceptionally funny, dangeoursly unsteady and largely coherent novel about sex, violence, space, time, and how the best way to deal with history is to ignore it. See larger image. NPR Choice page Yet its almost offensively extravagant presentation of these cerebral murmurings, from the over-saturation in cross-genre pastiches to the at-times gaudy excessiveness of its language, make it a limited success in realizing its ambitions. Loeser is the stage designer whose Teleportation Device breaks down on opening night, the pathetic sex-starved Berlin bohemian who crosses oceans for an unattainable vagina only to give it up when he finally has the chance, the American refugee too lazy to read through the letters of his Jewish friend who is being persecuted in Europe. Meantime, Loeser encounters an American scientist who is reinventing the Teleportation Device that his predecessor, one Lavicini of s Venice, was presented in a disastrous theater show centuries ago. But Loeser, egoist-expiring-in-self-pity that he is, cannot help but ignore the making of history around him, turning his back on the Holocaust and the poisonous intrigues surrounding the Device. His Hitler is not Adolf, who he hardly thinks of at all, but Adele Hitler, a beautiful girl he wants desperately to sleep with. Ultimately, Loeser recognizes the subjectivity of all experiences lived in time:. Please note that this product is not available for purchase from Bloomsbury. Long-listed for the Man Booker Prize, The Teleportation Accident is a hilarious sci-fi noir about sex, Satan, and teleportation devices. When you haven't had sex in a long time, it feels like the worst thing that could ever happen. If you're living in Germany in the s, it probably isn't. But that's no consolation to Egon Loeser, whose carnal misfortunes will push him from the experimental theaters of Berlin to the absinthe bars of Paris to the physics laboratories of Los Angeles, trying all the while to solve two mysteries: Was it really a deal with Satan that claimed the life of his hero, Renaissance set designer Adriano Lavicini, creator of the so-called Teleportation Device? And why is it that a handsome, clever, modest guy like him can't-just once in a while-get himself laid? As a friend tells him, he and the Nazis share a belief that "goodness has some causal kinship with beauty". His chasing her across Europe and America is a byproduct of his cognitive dissonance, his inability to think about the millions dying, off page. Both Perec's parents died during the second world war and the novel, although comic, is implicitly about the Holocaust, about the ease with which absences go unnoticed. Some reviewers did not notice that the letter "e" was missing.