Get Out of Your Own Way at Work ... and Help Others Do the Same Also by Mark Goulston, M.D. The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship with Philip Goldberg Get Out of Your Own Way with Philip Goldberg Get Out of Your Own Way ®®®at Wor k... and Help Others Do the Same Conquer Self-Defeating Behavior on the Job Mark Goulston, M.D. A Perigee Book A PERIGEE BOOK Published by the Penguin Group Penguin Group (USA) Inc. 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3, Canada (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.) Penguin Books Ltd., 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England Penguin Ireland, 25 St. Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd.) Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty. Ltd.) Penguin Books India Pvt. Ltd., 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi—110 017, India Penguin Group (NZ), Cnr. Airborne and Rosedale Roads, Albany, Auckland 1310, New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd.) Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty.) Ltd., 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa Penguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content. Copyright © 2005 by Mark Goulston, M.D. Cover design by Hyunhee Cho. Text design by Lovedog Studio. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Purchase only authorized editions. PERIGEE is a registered trademark of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. The “P” design is a trademark belonging to Penguin Group (USA) Inc. printing history G. P. Putnam’s Sons hardcover edition / October 2005 Perigee trade paperback edition / October 2006 Perigee trade paperback ISBN: 0-399-53285-4 The Library of Congress has cataloged the G. P. Putnam’s Sons hardcover edition as follows: Goulston, Mark. Get out of your own way at work ...and help others do the same: conquer self-defeating behavior on the job / Mark Goulston. p. cm. ISBN 0-399-15266-0 1. Work—Psychological aspects. 2. Self-defeating behavior. 3. Self-management (Psychology). 4. Success—Psychological aspects. 5. Organizational behavior. I. Title. HF5548.8.G668 2005 2005046576 158.1—dc22 printed in the united states of america 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Most Perigee Books are available at special quantity discounts for bulk purchases for sales promotions, pre - miums, fund-raising, or educational use. Special books, or book excerpts, can also be created to fit specific needs. For details, write: Special Markets, The Berkley Publishing Group, 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014. To the memories of Albert A. Dorskind and Ken Florence, my mentors and friends, this book is gratefully dedicated. Contents Introduction: Potential Is a Terrible Thing to Waste 1 Why We Get in Our Own Way 5 Success: Two Steps Forward, One Step Back 7 Self-Defeat: What Goes In, Comes Out 9 How to Use This Book 10 1. Procrastinating 13 2. Getting Defensive 19 3. Staying Too Long in a Job You Should Leave 23 4. Taking the Bait 29 5. Not Delegating 35 6. Talking Over or At Others 41 7. Being Competent but Out of Touch 47 8. Not Listening 53 9. Lacking Self-Discipline 59 10. Wasting Time 65 11. Thinking You’re Indispensable 71 12. People Pleasing 75 13. Feeling Guilty 81 14. Not Being Able to Take No for an Answer 87 15. Not Forgiving 93 16. Panicking 99 17. Quitting Too Soon 105 18. Using Jargon 109 19. Worrying About What Others Think 115 20. Fear of Learning New Things 121 21. Being Too Blunt 127 22. Being Closed Off to Input 133 23. Being Unprepared 139 24. Being Afraid to Fire People 145 25. Expecting Your Boss to Appreciate You 149 26. Fear of Giving or Receiving Performance Reviews 155 27. Confusing Dumping with Venting 161 28. Fear of Confrontation 165 29. Making Excuses 173 30. Focusing on Your Weaknesses 179 31. Being Impulsive 183 32. Becoming Frustrated 187 33. Being Thin-Skinned 191 34. Not Learning from Your Mistakes 197 35. Not Getting Buy-In 201 36. Being Devious 207 37. Typecasting 213 38. Setting Your Expectations Too Low 219 39. Assuming Others Understand You 225 40. Fear of Failing 231 Epilogue: Succeeding in Life as Well as at Work 235 Appendix 1. Where Self-Defeating Behavior Starts 240 Appendix 2. How Self-Defeating Behavior Develops 241 Appendix 3. Twelve Steps to Getting Out of Your Own Way at Work 242 Appendix 4. The Self-Other Inventory 244 Acknowledgments 246 Introduction Potential Is a ®®® Terrible Thing to Waste Everybody here has the ability to do anything I do and much beyond. Some of you will and some of you won’t. For those who won’t, it will be because you get in your own way, not because the world doesn’t allow you. —Warren Buffett (speaking at the University of Washington) You or your people have the talent, education, and skills to do much more than you are currently doing. So what’s getting in your way? If it’s people you work with, what’s getting in their way? After my first book, Get Out of Your Own Way, was 1 published, I received hundreds of letters from people whose self- defeating behavior had caused them to be unhappy not just in their per - sonal lives but also in their professional lives. Many of these readers had lost out on pay increases, promotions, and advancement. My clinical practice suddenly filled with men and women who, for a variety of rea - sons of their own making, had put their reputations, jobs, and careers in jeopardy. One such patient was John. Fifty-five years old and prematurely gray, John was clearly suffering. Worry lines had plowed deeply into his forehead, and he walked with a slump of disappointment. The previ - ous week, John had been fired from his job as an accountant because he refused to adapt to inevitable change. The challenge had been to learn a complex new software platform on which the company had bet its future. Resenting the “adapt or die” requirement, John ignored the hints, suggestions, warnings, and the ultimatum. Instead he led a rebellion—trying to convince people in his department that the com - pany was better off staying with the old system. And so he was fired, after devoting fifteen years of his life to the firm. Racked with self-doubt and disappointment, John was also fright - ened. He was very worried about the welfare of his family. Most of all he was angry. Rather than confronting the unrealistic fear that he couldn’t learn a new program, John lost his job. Rather than open up, he closed down. John’s career at the firm should have been long and proud, with a gold watch, a retirement party, and a fat 401K to greet him at the end. But he lost all this because he couldn’t get out of his own way. John’s self-defeating behavior overran him. He was a man alone and scared. Now, I’m not a Jack Welch–style boss. I’m not an investigative reporter. I’m a doctor—a healer, a listener, a helper—who works with self-sabotagers or the bosses who must manage them. My job is to help 2 get out of your own way at work my clients recognize and overcome their obstacles and become better and more successful—or help them to help others do the same— because I believe potential is a terrible thing to waste. You may feel like you just need a little tweaking to reach your pinnacle. But more likely you feel a bit like John—somewhat alone and scared. You may have hit a wall at your own company, or at least had a close enough call to send you to this book. You might wake up at two-thirty A.M. worry - ing about that last meeting with the boss, or obsessing over that last cryp - tic dialogue with a colleague or a direct report. Or perhaps you’re thinking of some of your people who squander their potential as the window of opportunity for terrific careers closes more on them each day. The strong response from working people to Get Out of Your Own Way caused me to extend my clinical practice to consulting in the busi - ness world. For the past several years, I’ve worked with companies ranging from family businesses to Fortune 100 corporate giants. I’ve worked with aggressive CEOs, impulsive senior vice presidents, pushy salespeople, depressed customer service representatives, and hun - dreds of others. All of these people had an ax to grind, or nursed a deep, abiding fear that either held them back or drove them to act out in inappropriate ways. All deserved to be more successful. And this is important: In most cases and despite their obvious problems, all of their companies believed in them and were willing to give them at least one more chance.