INSIGHTS Building parent-school partnerships WORDS Catherine Gerhardt Online Flaming So what is online flaming? Catherine Gerhardt gives us the lowdown plus practical tips for parents to recognise the signs and how to respond should your child be affected. A friend of mine lives with avid teenage contribute to online flaming: the of the responsibility that comes with gamers, and she was horrified to discover apparent anonymity and invisibility of the privilege of using the technology. In recently the language and the insults the Internet, the lag between sending a most cases parents have either supplied that her children were exposed to while message and getting feedback, and the the device or pay the bills for usage – engaging in a popular online game with minimum authority that seems to exist in that means you have the responsibility their friends. digital spaces. and the right to control it. Mutual respect Flame wars have become a major As parents we often complain that is required here, having password control online annoyance. When people start we can’t keep up with the technology does not give you permission to spy, and a flame war they are deliberately trying our kids are using, however many of us your child needs to know they are being to stir up trouble, start a fight and get a agree that we want to be their first point monitored. reaction. Flaming is all too common on of call if things go wrong. Parents can Let me tell you the story of another multi-player gaming sites, chat rooms, be their child’s strongest asset in the friend of mine who had been line of defence against negative online message forums and social media sites. ‘monitoring’ her daughter online for experiences. Most parents are aware of the trolls several months. However, her daughter that can exist out there in cyberspace, What parents can do: was not aware that every message and and flaming is one of the skill sets that photo went through her mother’s device Discuss with your children cyber bullies are familiar with. Flamers as well. When a problem did arise the what they do online and who they and trolls use insults to make personal parent was unsure how to deal with it – communicate with – try your best to attacks and say offensive things about a after all she had been ‘spying’ and wasn’t know which social media/gaming sites person’s individual character, their family sure how to broach the subject with her they are using. Know that they may have or sexuality even though they may know daughter without giving herself away. more than one account on any social very little about them. media platform. One of my daughter’s It is much better to have that Psychologists have termed the friends has four Instagram accounts, each conversation when setting up accounts, behaviour behind flaming, the “online one carving out a unique social space. and start as you intend to go on. disinhibition effect.” It means that people behave with less restraint online, and Know passwords feel powerful behind the computer Youth may feel this is an invasion of their screen. Experts say a number of factors ‘privacy’; however it is a key component more. on page 2 Want more ideas to help you raise confident kids and resilient young people? Subscribe to Happy Kids newsletter, my FREE weekly email parenting guide at parentingideas.com.au. You’ll be so glad you did. parentingideas.com.au © 2016 Michael Grose INSIGHTS Building parent-school partnerships2 ... Online Flaming ... Start a conversation with your child or low mood after reading the text will about the importance of minimising the probably indicate a flaming message. amount of personal information they When we feel the strong need to defend give away. Many flamers prey on Internet ourselves we are likely to react and users who seem vulnerable. If the flamer respond to the text, thereby playing right can find out any personal information into the flamer’s intent. about a target, then he or she will use it Encourage the message “Do Not to cause that person additional distress. The best defence against exit the site so they are not exposing Some flamers seek out people who are Respond” a flaming comment is to ignore. Do not themselves to more online flaming, and of enthusiastic about certain subjects, and respond or engage in baiting messages. course, let a trusted adult know about their they intentionally bash the subject while experience. others will intentionally start arguments Once they respond, they have started a conversation. A capable flamer can be cool about any topic. At its mildest, flaming is a one-time, and composed at first, using kind words name-calling incident. At its worst, it is Watch for signs of change in your and connection to lure the unsuspecting a persistent and tenacious taunting that child’s behaviour. If you notice that person in. You and your child may not can lead a child to suicide. Not all cases of your child is spending more time online recognise flaming immediately, with many flaming lead to youth suicide, regardless than usual, changes his or her group of flamers waiting until they get the person to of what the media portrays. Anyone can good friends, stops spending time with engage in conversation before they attack. become the target or the aggressor, them altogether, or seems withdrawn or Instead they need to walk away from the and anyone can stop it. There are many depressed and disinterested in activities comment. options for getting out of negative online that he or she used to love, then there may Know the strategies. The best way experiences. be cause for concern. Keep an eye out for to deal with a flamer is to ignore those quiet introspective kids who have The Federal Government has recently From the moment the flaming becomes always enjoyed their own company, but launched the Office of the Children’s apparent do not respond. Many websites no longer want to be alone, and do once eSafety Commissioner. The Office and forums will have options which again not want to leave your side as they provides Australians a range of up-to-date empower the user in flaming situations. seek comfort in your presence. information and resources, coupled with Use the blocking feature which should be a comprehensive complaints system to Evaluate internal feelings This is integrated into their practices, and report assist children who experience serious the best way to tell if one is being flamed. the behaviour to an online moderator or cyberbullying online. Feelings of anger, aggression, revenge webmaster. It is also critical that the target https://esafety.gov.au/ CATHERINE GERHARDT is a dedicated advocate of developing resilience and critical thinking skills in children and young people. Catherine has more than 20 years of expertise in Community Services, Health and Welfare and a background in Social JennyPsychology. As aBrockis parent of school aged children, she understands the commitment and challenges parents face ensuring they provide the right information to young people in a way that empowers them to develop their personal and social capabilities. Want more ideas to help you raise confident kids and resilient young people? Subscribe to Happy Kids . You’ll be so glad you did. newsletter, my FREE weekly email parenting guide at parentingideas.com.au parentingideas.com.au © 2016 Michael Grose.