"Once upon a time… he wasn't feeling it anymore." What's killing romance in America - And what to do about it. A guide for the undecided couple. Jacob Z. Hess, Ph.D. "Once upon a time….he wasn't feeling it anymore": What's killing romance in America - And what to do about it.. A guide for the undecided couple. Copyright © 2013 by Jacob Z. Hess All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without written permission of the author. ISBN 978-0-9910296-0-0 Dedication To Diana and Jana, and to your beautiful families. Also, to couples now and in the future who would be unbelievably happy together, if only they could see each other clearly and completely - as the persons they actually are. “Sometimes the greatest journey is the distance between two people.” - The Painted Veil (2006) Preface I was duped! The lighting, the props and the set...the voiceovers, airbrushing and costumes. Day by day, the scripts told me what I should feel and how I should be acting in relation to love and romance. Line-by-line, I was guided in how it's all supposed to be. Funny enough, I thought it was real! And I'm not the only one. The dominant American narrative of ro- mance has swept most of us off our feet. Locked in the embrace of this story, our collective experience of love and intimacy continues to be shaped and molded in directions that repeatedly depart from what we really want. Among otherwise smart, successful and happy individuals, Barabara Whitehead writes, there is "a widespread sense of anxiety and confusion" when it comes to romance - a "feeling that something had gone wrong in their love lives."1 After years of my own relationship heartache, I was hurting and deeply perplexed. Why had dating become so hard and love so compli- cated? And why did I keep walking away from amazing possibilities? In the middle of my Ph.D. program at the University of Illinois, I started interviewing other singles in different circumstances, searching for some answers. Long before, I had started gathering relevant com- mentary, articles and books about love and romance from as many perspectives as I could find. After nearly 15 years of exploring, I don't claim to have discovered any dramatic secrets. But I have felt profoundly taught and changed by the stories and insights I've heard. This book is my attempt to share what I've learned and come to love over the years. I still have plenty to learn, and if you're willing to share your story, I would love to listen (see www.not feelingit.org). In the meanwhile, if anything I've gathered can be helpful to you - married or single, happy or currently baffled as much as I was, I would be thrilled. -Jzh, 10/31/13 Acknowledgments My deepest thanks to Monique Tenaya Moore, who has read multiple drafts, helped with interviews, and cheered my heart along to the finish line. To my brother and research assistant, Daniel Hess, a huge thanks for giving so much of yourself in conducting 20 interviews, reviewing several drafts and filming a fabulous video. Appreciations to others who reviewed the text at various stages: Jake Stauber, Julianne Zollinger, Lisa Fraser, Aaron Gale, James Keller, Russell Grover, Jessica Moon - and to Mike and Erica Nutting for hosting my writing retreat. A heartfelt thanks to the many loved ones whose stories are inextri- cably tied to my own and who have shared defining moments of this journey with me, including sisters Mary E. P. Hess and Katie Hess, brothers Elijah Hess and John Thompson, and cousins Nate Zollinger, Trevor Davis, Natalie (Zollinger) Reber, Stephanie (Zollinger) Stauber and Brenda Hale. To my lovely sister Julia Rose Hess, gratitude for sharing the most painful times of all and for eventually showing her older brother what it means to love and trust with everything we've got. To Alicia Williams, for teaching me about a love way bigger than Self. And to my angel brother Sam, who has kept his promises. Above all, I thank those who have taught me what it means to truly love: my father and hero Paul Hess, my dearly-missed angel mother Martha Zollinger, my beloved grandfather Milton J. Hess, and again, my forever sweetheart, Monique. Table of Contents Introduction ............................................................................................................. 1 Part One: Falling in Love with a Story Chapter 1. Romance 101: How it's Supposed to Be .......................... 11 Chapter 2. Heavy: Romance Overloaded ............................................ 17 Chapter 3. Driven: Romance Compelled ............................................. 29 Chapter 4. Tentative: Romance Undecided ........................................ 39 Chapter 5. Sapped: Romance Depleted ................................................ 55 Part Two: Flirting with Another Love Story Chapter 6. Romance Reprised: Another Way .................................... 67 Chapter 7. Broadening: Romance Relieved ........................................ 79 Chapter 8. Fortifying: Romance Exercised ......................................... 95 Chapter 9. Enduring: Romance Undeterred ..................................... 109 Chapter 10. Growing: Romance Alive ............................................... 125 Conclusion ....................................................................................................... 141 Notes .................................................................................................................... 152 Introduction Megan's excited trembling was visible, as she told us: "I met someone!" Home for Christmas break, she recounted to our group of friends the dizzying tale of her autumn romance. Her man, Ryan, was home with his family in another state for a couple of days, but proof of his exist- ence lay snug on her finger - a ring glistening like a fairy tale come true. She could hardly wait for the holiday break to be over so she could see him again. One week later, Megan appeared with an ashen face. "What’s wrong? What happened? Why are you?...." In broken voice, she explained that Ryan had just stopped calling - with no explanation. Initially confused, she soon became fearful that something had hap- pened. Was he hurt or maybe in an accident? In a near frantic state, Megan finally heard Ryan's voice on the other end of the phone. "What happened?!" she asked: "Why haven’t you called?" It turns out that Ryan was still safely enjoying the holidays at his family’s cabin. But something unfortunate had happened: his feelings had changed. "I'm sorry, Megan," he said, "I just don’t feel like I used to...it's just not the same for me anymore." Ten days before, Ryan had held Megan close as they shared tender goodbyes at the airport. One month ago, he insisted that he couldn't live without her. But all that had changed now, because after all...he wasn't feeling it anymore. If this true story deserves any label, it would not be "unique." One man reflected on a recent break-up: "I have strong feelings initially - buying her flowers, saying sweet nothings, dedicating songs to her, wanting to put a smile on her face all the time, wanting to help her be happier - to the next minute nothing. Off immediately, like a light switch. It’s weird, I just lose it." Another guy said: "Initially, I felt a crush and attracted...but there would come a point where I just felt nothing anymore; I just had no affection for them. They were just like anyone else." Another told me: "After 2-3 months, my heart would start to dry up toward that person. I would let her down as gently as I could." NOT FEELING IT ANYMORE Another said: "My affection would die over time after the initial ex- citement of dating someone wore off. I have suddenly changed a number of times."1 And another: "I broke up with a wonderful girl three times because the bubbling feeling had faded." And one more: "I would go from first kissing her when things were new and fresh, and writing in my journal that I thought I would marry her [to] then 3 weeks later, I would break up with her." One woman told me: "We date, things are great, we’re happy, good to go - then it just drops off." Another woman said "it was always super exciting and butterflies and fireworks - and always around six months, he would lose interest. And I would get clingy and try to convince him to stay." So obviously this must be a guy issue alone, right? Not so fast! One woman described breaking up four times with her boyfriend "because one day I would all of a sudden stop feeling it." The next day, she said, "I would think, why did I do that? I really liked him": Each time I thought it was starting to work, I would lose that feel- ing and just start to feel anxious. Friends would tell me to break up and I assumed that was the only answer. It was torture to have that conversation each time. There was no explanation to give him ex- cept that I didn’t feel enough. After the last time, I cried for several days. I really wanted it to work. She really wanted it to work. He really wanted it to work. We were all really hoping this one would turn out...but it doesn't. Despite heroic and earnest efforts, too often grand possibilities disintegrate right before our eyes. I would know. No one has betrayed grander possibilities than I. No matter how lovely, how fun and how remarkable she was, something was missing. It wasn't enough. She wasn't enough. And I was absolutely paralyzed. Romance hijacked In the ruins of past relationships, we end up saying something like: 'It didn't work out' or 'It just wasn't right' or 'It really wasn't there.'2 2 INTRODUCTION And that definitely could all be true.