THE TIMES Saturday January 29 2011 4Body+Soul Gaydads ‘Weused thesamesurrogacyclinic as EltonJohn’ MAIN PHOTO: CHRISTOPHER LANE FOR THE TIMES; LEFT: RICHARD YOUNG /REX FEATURES also noticedthat Jenn wasveryquiet and Thesingerand David Furnishare themost famous gaymen we were worried: wasshe formingan attachment to the baby, wasthere an to have becomedadsthrough surrogacy, buttheyare not issue?” “But,” Dansays, “she told us she wanted him to bond with our voicesnow alone. Tim Teeman meetsanother couple livingthe dream that,insideher womb,the babyhad gotten to know hers.”“Apretty astonishingact of selflessnessonherpart,”Davidsays. Dominic is namedafter David’sbeloved grandfather (Domenick) and the name, avid DeGiralamo and Dan more,”Davidlaughs,“butwearesohappy.” wichVillage,bothwereemergingfrombad the men note, means “child of the Lord” or Allen are preparinga Sohappy, infact,thatJennispregnantwith break-ups. Conversation waseasy,there “giftfromGod”. party.There are two their second child; this time, biologically, seemed to be mutual attraction. But Dan Davidand Danand Jenn and Will have 12-packs of beer,the gor- it will be Dan’s, though both men see kept excusinghimself to go to the toilet: he become good friends (David and Jenn are geous smell of warm apple themselves as equal parents to Dominic later said that he wasliterally sick with similar “type-A organisers”, Davidsays; sauce on the stove,bottles and, health willing, their second child, nervesathow much he liked David. Both Danand Will are more laid-back). Cather- D of wine, snacks in bowls, whichisdue inSeptember. were close to their families. Dan’sparents ine —though on good termswith the men Saturdaynight football on TV and, reveals In the US, it is estimated that 750surro- (his father anuclear engineer,his mother a —did not want to know the name of the aproud Dan, tenbibs forall the guests, “in gate babiesare bornevery year.From career counsellor fordifficult children) baby, oranythingaboutDominic.“Someet- honour of Dominic”, whose firstbirthday “back-of-envelope-calculations”andfrom had divorcedwhen he was11, but he “got ingupagaintodiscussthesecondpregnan- party it is. Ayear agotodayJenn, asurro- contact with professionals and agencies, over it”and came out to his mother after cy wasveryweird,”David says. “Imagine gate mother,gavebirth to the men’s much- David, who is writingabookabout the college. “Itwas all fine, exceptshe worried having ason with someone and not men- lovedfirstchild. experience of he and Danbecoming that Ihad been alone duringthe process tioninghim.Heresheis,sittingacrossfrom Sir Elton John and DavidFurnishmay parents, estimates that anywhere between andthat Iwouldn’thavekids,”hesays. me at dinner,and Ihavetoremember not havecapturedtheheadlinesmostrecently, 1,500and5,000gaycoupleshavehadsurro- David’smotherhadabraintumourdiag- to get emotional in case it pushesany but they are far from the only gaycouple gate babies. nosedwhen he was2,and diedwhen he wrongbuttons forher.” Danadds: “Domi- raisingchildren through surrogacy.Inthe Daniscalm, measured, unflappable. was7.Herememberstakingcareofherand nic will know who sheisand how he came US there are specialistagenciesaimedat Davidispassionate,louder,moreofaworri- readingherstories;indeed,hetrainedtobe about. If sheultimately wants contactwith helpinggay men to conceive their own erandplanner.OntheirfirstdateinGreen- adoctor“soIcouldcure someonelikeher”. him, we would be grateful forit, but we children, and in smalltown, suburban New He wasaprecocious child, learninghis respecttherulesshehas setdown.” Jersey,inalarge detachedhouse with multiplication tablesat4,and wasraised Arethey nervousabout anyfutureclaim family and laughter echoingall around, by his grandparents alongsidehis father. shemight make? “No,”David says, babyDominic is being raisedbyhis bio- He “overcompensated [by] beingthe “because as control-freaky as Ican be, we logical father,David, a40-year-old physi- Ever since I wonder-kid overachiever because my have all been open and honest with each cian, and his partner,Dan, a32-year-old knew that I beinggay woulddisappointthem”. It didn’t. other from dayone. We hope only good paediatricdentist. ‘‘ But in his twentieshewent out with, and cancomeofthat.” The couple usedthe same agencyas wasgay,I had sex with, women; one even aborteda Though gaysurrogacy is legal in Mary- Furnishand Sir Elton, the Centre for babyofhis. “Eversince Iknew Iwas gay,I land, it wasstill to the men’s good fortune SurrogateParenting (CSP)inCalifornia. wanted achild, wanted achild, but Ithought if youwere that they found ajudge willingtoaccord Althoughcomfortably off, they hadto wait gay youcouldn’t,” Davidsays.“Thebiology both men sharedparental rights, allowing six years to afford their dream of startinga butIthought if justdidn’t match up.Itwas one of the thembothto belistedasDominic’s parents family.Ontheir third dateinNew York, in youweregay reasonsIstayedinthecloset.” on the birth certificate. “Hewisheduscon- 2002, they told each other they wanted to Abreakthrough came when his step- gratulations,”David recalls. “The unequal be dads. The journey to get there wasa youcouldn’t mothervisitedhimonedayinhislatetwen- nature of the laws, statetostate, countyto rollercoasterofhope, shredded nerves, ties. “You told me when work settleddown county, shows that the lawisnot keeping nailbitingmoments, detailedplanningand have one you’dstartdating,”she said. “You know,it pace with lifeand culture: parents likeDan extreme expense (it cost$110,000), but canbeaboy:thatisn’taproblem.” andIarefasterthanthelaw.” now —evenwith anewborn’ssleepless Afterthe relationship began they were So far the only negative reaction has nights —“sheer joy”,asDan puts it. “Like “beyond-boyfriends within three months”, come from agay acquaintance who said mostnew parents, we don’thavesex any Dansays, and they began to makeplans to that Davidand Danwere “sellingout to realise their sharedgoal of creatinga straight life”.Hedidn’t think it was“nor- family.They discussedadoptionatfirst. mal”for twogay guys to do this, Dansays. ’’ “But to be honest,” Davidsays, “we Asforsocial disapproval and prejudice, the thought,‘Whyjump through unnecessary men notethat the nastiest criticism lev- hoops and be scrutinisedjustbecause elledatSir Elton —that he and Furnish we’re gay?’We knew to have our own child had babyZacharyassome kind of lifestyle would come down to money.” The saving accessory—ignores the realitythat gay began. “I knewDave would be agreat dad,” surrogacyrequiresagreat deal of planning Dansays. Davidadds: “And Iknew Dan Dan Allen, left, and David donor and the woman who would carry agay couple. Then they were matched is also the egg donor forthe second preg- what they sayabout having toomuch and expense: there is nothingfrivolous or wouldbeagreat dad.” DeGiralamo with their son, their foetus to term.“We wanted twosepa- with 31-year-old Catherine (not her real nancyandJennisalsothesurrogate. knowledge”. accidental about it. Consider,for example, But who wasgoingtobethe dad? They Dominic. They used the ratewomen,”David says. “The egg donor name) as adonor.Jenn, then 36, happily “Strange as it maysound,”David says, ThebesteggswereharvestedfromCath- Jenn pumpingfour months’ofbreastmilk, wanted twochildren, one each biologi- Centre for Surrogate had to be youngand attractive, intelligent. marriedand with twochildren of her own, “Jenn’s grammar and punctuation were erine and on aPetri dishinjectedwith the whichwasthenFedExedtoDavidandDan cally,and because Davidhad been the big- Parenting, California, also We lookedather grandparents’longevity aged5and 3, waschosen as the surrogate faultless,andthat convincedmefirstabout We’vetalked “strongest swimmers”ofDavid’ssperm; indryice. ger proponent of having his own child and used by Sir Elton John —wewanted the best genes—and then who would carrythe embryo created by her.You can’tgofar wrongwith anyone aboutit, and twoembryoswere then implanted into As we sit besideDominic’s crib (below a wasolder,“and Iwould die first” (David), and David Furnish, left we wanted someone experiencedwith Catherine’segg andDavid’ssperm. who knows how to use commas and infini- ‘‘ Jenn’s womb.One took.Jenn fell pregnant, painted diorama of city, countryand they decidedhewould go first. Dansays: carryingchildren.” In Americasurrogacy laws vary from tives.”There wasaproblem trying to synch I’mgoing to be but afew weeks in sufferedbleedingand ocean), Davidsmiles. “The ironyisthat we “Itwasn’t an issue forme. Iamasmuch The men had to sell themselves to pro- statetostate, with California, where CSP up Catherine and Jenn’s hormones(“they cramps. Davidfearedthat shewas mis- wanted abiological child each, and ayear Dominic’s father ashe is, and he will bejust spective surrogate mothers in adocument and GrowingGenerations,another lead- had to suppress Jenn’s hormonestostop ‘Daddy’and carrying. “The doctor told me it was50-50, on Irealise Iwas totally wrong: biology as much my baby’sfather,too.”Leaving detailingtheir lives, while the agency inggay surrogacy agency, are based, being her from sabotagingthe process of preg- and that wasawful. Ithought,‘It could all really doesn’tmatter. Sure, sometimesI NewYork to raise afamily in the suburbs vetted the women through physical and by far the mostfriendly,inlegal terms, to nancy”,Dan recalls, “but her body wasn’t Dan’sgoing to end tonight’; we were terrifiedatthe pro- lookatDominic and think, ‘Holycrap,he wasn’t awrench: “Beinggay is who we are, psychologicaltests;themenwouldbefoot- the