בס"ד From Grieving לעלוי Giving נשמת to תשרי תש"פ הילד אליהו אליעזר ז”ל ב"ר שבתי Raitzik יעקב יוסף Eliהלוי שליט”א רייטשיק Another interesting thing Eli did was that causes, was confirmed. I remember feeling , when Eli, my bechor, he took upon himself the task of covering deeply hurt when police officers sat down Sixwas in fourthyears grade, ago I met his rebbi and asked and uncovering the sefer Torah on Shabbos with my wife and me separately “just to ask him how my son was doing. I was expecting to between each aliyah in BMG’s 11th Street a few questions” and rule out foul play. As hear the usual: beis medrash, where we davened. When though this nightmare weren’t bad enough, I asked him why he wanted to do this, his we had to defend our parenting and convince Eli’s a good boy, he’s learning well, he has lots response was, “What, I should just let the them that we weren’t responsible for our of friends. sefer Torah sit there open?” son’s sudden, inexplicable death in his sleep. Instead, to my dismay, the rebbi said, “I think On Friday, 12 Adar II 5774, about five months While still in the hospital, I was surrounded Eli is losing his geshmak for learning. He’s not after I started learning with Eli every day, I by relatives and friends who all seemed to enjoying the learning as much as he did at the learned with my chavrusa before davening be bawling their heads off, while I, curiously, beginning of the year.” and then headed to a bris that my friend wasn’t crying or feeling any strong emotion. was making. I had just put on my tefillin and I remember calling my rebbi and asking him, What am I supposed to do now? I thought to was hanging up my coat when my chavrusa “Do you have a chair near you?” myself. I’m not a mechanech! hurried over to me, his face furrowed in concern, and handed me his phone. “What’s going on?” he asked. But then another thought occurred to me: If the Torah commands us, “V’shinantam “Your wife is on the line,” he said. “It doesn’t When I told him, his voice dropped to a l’vanecha,” it must be that every father has sound good.” whisper. the ability to teach his son Torah. “I have to get off the phone,” he rasped. From then on, I started to sit with Eli every night and review what he had learned that I wasn’t sure what type of reaction I had day in Lakewood’s Yeshiva Toras Aron. It I had two choices: I could crumple expected, but having him hang up on me took some trial and error, but after a while together with my son, or I could hold was certainly not it. Later, I would find out I figured out how to make our joint learning the reason why he had hung up so abruptly: pleasant for him, which was my primary goal. strong and be a pillar of support for him, Upon hearing the news, he had felt that he In fact, Eli began to enjoy our learning so and for the rest of the family. was going to faint, and after he hung up the much that he would actually rub his stomach phone he actually did pass out. in delight while we learned, as though he had It was actually worse than I could have just eaten a delicious meal. imagined. I didn’t feel faint, though. And while my wife was crying together with our other family On Motzaei Shabbos, I would learn with Eli “Eli didn’t wake up this morning,” my wife said members, I was strangely composed. at the Avos Ubanim program in the Alumni urgently. “Hatzolah is here trying to revive Bais Medrash of Lakewood’s Beth Medrash him.” A relative of mine was present when I called Govoha (BMG). At times, Eli would ask me a my morning seder chavrusa and calmly told question, and if he was not satisfied with the Boom! him, “I don’t think I’m going to be there today.” answer I gave, he would turn to the yungeleit learning nearby and pose his question to “There’s a fellow from Hatzolah outside My relative looked at me as if I was off the them. He barely knew these people, but waiting to drive you home,” my chavrusa said. wall. he looked up to them as his heroes and felt comfortable approaching them. Dumbly, I handed my own car keys over to We chose to hold Eli’s levayah outside BMG’s him and entered the Hatzolah car. main building, because Eli had so greatly Whenever we would host bochurim for admired the yungeleit and bochurim of the Shabbos meals, Eli would go over to them I walked into my house to find my dining yeshivah. When I asked my rebbi to speak at and ask, “So what are you learning now?” room filled with Hatzolah members, who the levayah, he demurred, saying it was too When the surprised bochurim would name were trying to pump life into Eli’s still body. hard for him. It was then that he explained the masechta they were learning, Eli would to me why he had hung up the phone earlier pepper them with questions and get them to “This isn’t working,” they told me gravely. “We that day, and I felt tremendously comforted explain what the masechta was all about. need to take him to the hospital.” to hear that my rebbi felt my pain even more powerfully than I did. In the hospital, Eli’s death, due to unknown לעלוי נשמת הילד אליהו Raitzik אליעזר ז”לEli ב"ר שבתי יעקב יוסף הלוי שליט”א רייטשיק From Grieving to Giving At the Shabbos seudah that night, my five- chizuk in order to process my grief, and in the them that I was not planning to do that. year-old son turned to me and said, “Tatty, my beginning I did speak to some rebbeim, but Instead, I stood up before a crowd of 2,000 salad is crying.” although they said beautiful, uplifting things, kids at the Avos Ubanim awards ceremony their words didn’t resonate with me. Focusing and showed the boys Eli’s Avos Ubanim card, I felt a stab of pain, but I steeled myself on the loss left me feeling sad and depressed; which had holes punched for almost every to maintain a confident façade. There’s I wanted to do something with the pain, to week that year until his petirah. “Please learn an Eibeshter in the world, I told myself. turn it into something constructive. just one mishnah l’illui nishmaso,” I asked Everything He does is somehow good for us, of the boys. “If you learn it well and really and He’s with us in our pain. But what could I do? understand it, it will be a tremendous zechus for him.” “Oh, your salad is crying?” I said. “That’s I pondered the various things that had been very interesting. I’m not going to cry today, said about Eli during the shivah. That wasn’t enough, though. I still felt a because it’s Shabbos, but your salad can cry tremendous need to translate my pain into gezunterheit.” Many people had marveled at how nine- something positive. One day, I turned to year-old Eli had showed such strong leanings one of my friends, who is a well-connected, A minute later my son turned to me again and toward ruchniyus. One bochur who came to capable person, and said, “We have to do said, “Tatty, my heart is crying.” be menachem avel told us that he had once something in Eli’s memory. What’s the reid gotten a ride in a car together with Eli, who around town? What do people need?” Another stab of pain. “Oh, your heart is promptly turned to him and asked, “Can you crying?” I replied. “Wow, that must be really tell me a vort on the parshah?” My friend informed me that there had been hard. I’m not going to cry today, because it’s talk of yungeleit forming an organization to Shabbos, but your heart can keep on crying.” “Sorry,” the bochur responded, “I don’t have help other yungeleit make Yom Tov. a vort.” I realized, already then, that I had two “Most of the year, these families make it choices: I could crumple together with my “That’s okay,” Eli said. “So I’ll tell you a vort.” through the month,” he explained, “but they son, or I could hold strong and be a pillar of And he did. can’t cope with the Yom Tov crunch.” support for him, and for the rest of the family. A number of fathers told me that when This idea appealed to me, because I myself I chose to do the latter. The Eibeshter wants they came to Avos Ubanim, their sons were know what it means to live on a kollel budget. us to move forward, I thought, and He’s going entranced by the sight of Eli and me learning Between my wife’s earnings and the small to help us do that. together. “There was a certain excitement in stipend I receive from yeshivah, plus money how your son learned,” they observed. “He for shemiras hasedorim, we manage to pay While my reaction to the tragedy differed loved learning.” our bills, but the prospect of making Yom Tov from that of most of my relatives — I did not is daunting.