The Angle Volume 1974 Issue 1 Article 2 1974 The El Greco Profile Michele Micalizzi St. John Fisher College Follow this and additional works at: https://fisherpub.sjfc.edu/angle Part of the Creative Writing Commons How has open access to Fisher Digital Publications benefited ou?y Recommended Citation Micalizzi, Michele (1974) "The El Greco Profile," The Angle: Vol. 1974 : Iss. 1 , Article 2. Available at: https://fisherpub.sjfc.edu/angle/vol1974/iss1/2 This document is posted at https://fisherpub.sjfc.edu/angle/vol1974/iss1/2 and is brought to you for free and open access by Fisher Digital Publications at St. John Fisher College. For more information, please contact [email protected]. The El Greco Profile Abstract In lieu of an abstract, below is the essay's first paragraph. "At last she went forth into the New York she despised and feared. She had examined it again and again - this move to the city. There was no question though that it was unavoidable, essential to the whole maneuver. Her things had already been sent on ahead and so she could go ahead with it, while they told her she had everything quite under control." Cover Page Footnote Appeared in the issue: 1974. This prose is available in The Angle: https://fisherpub.sjfc.edu/angle/vol1974/iss1/2 1 Micalizzi: The El Greco Profile The El Greco Profile by Michele Micalizzi At last she went forth into the identity as important as all that? felt an oblique curiosity, a need to New York she desp~ed andfeared. She closed her eyes and knelt, lean­ understand what kind of woman She had examined it again· and ing her meager body against the could ever have married her father. again - thismovetothecity. There bed with its faded chenille spread She remembered puttingthatpic­ was no question though that it was and plushy fringe. ture away once, by no means an act unavoidable, essential to the whole She had always tried to keep of defiance on her part, and he, he maneuver. Her things had already some pose of self-assurance, to re­ had discovered her, this iconoclast been sent on ahead and so she main free from their prolific in­ living in his house. He had asked could go ahead with it, while they nuendos. Somehow it never worked for no explanations, had offered no told her she had everything quite out and she shuddered, remember­ understanding; instead he had ac­ under control. ing those days, yet desperately cused her of some sacrilegious of­ Defying the inclement weather, needing to go back. She hummed fense, threatened her with banish­ she decided to walk the few blocks lightly to herself, fingering an imag; ment from a family that had never to the Ardsley so they could talk inary keyboard "LIKE A POEM existed for her anyway. Obediently, without risk of being overheard on THAT DOESN'T RHYME, I she returned the relic to its former the crowded subway. On the way, COULD GET BACK TO THE place and vowed never even to they discussed the bizarre people of PLACE BUT NOT THE TIME." glance its way again, but the vow this huge city. Three newly or­ She had chased illusions then, or had to be broken; as if, by some dained avant-garde types ap­ so they had all told her. Perhaps mystical force, her eyes were drawn proached her, two boys and a girl, she still was chasing them, but now to it until she hated the smiling face, the girl's eyes round and wild, her she could see through them. Not the string of pearls that hung tight­ bralessness revealed something. the things they saw with their my­ ly around the smooth, white neck. She could not help from shrinking opic vision, but the shreds of reali­ When she was very small her as she passed them and with delight ty that had promised to elude her father hardly seemed to notice her. remembered, "Your withdrawal till now. She didn't notice him either; he was from people must not continue." As long as she could remember, only the man she saw atdinnerand When she entered her apartment she had lived in Springville, Con­ intermittently on weekends. Mosto( (Number 19 and already paid for) necticut. Hardly anyone was aware her time she spent with her grand­ the phone was ringing. She ignored the town even existed, a small com­ mother, who scolded her about the it, and hurried to unpack, her head munity isolated from the larger mess she made in the house, or the screaming. Where had it all begun, world outside. It was only right that germs that would infest her tiny she wondered, those voices in her she should have been born there. frame if she forgot to wash her head? All they wanted was some Her mother had died when she hands before a meal. token acknowledgment, but she was too small even to remember the Unlike other children who hate had given them evecythingwithout woman whose picture stood on her to leave their mother's arms, she even bothering to fight, and they dresser,· an icon, to receive the de­ had looked forward to starting had almost destroyed her. Was an votion of an entire household. When­ school. But she found it difficult ever she looked at the picture, she to make friends. She wanted them Michele Micalizzi is a junior majoring felt no longing for the person, no to like her, to include her in their in communications. A freelance journalist in her spare time, she plans a career in tugging of heartstrings for the games but they never did. Some­ newspaper work. mother she never had. Instead, she times they said hello to her, and Published by Fisher Digital Publications, 1974 1 2 The Angle, Vol. 1974, Iss. 1 [1974], Art. 2 she would smile at them, embar­ enemy. They dislike me because I them. She had never thought of dis­ rassed that they had noticed her, have no one, because I am always illusionment, of anticipation with­ but she walked to school alone and alone, and it's not supposed to be out reward; she wanted only toem­ returned home the same way, envy­ like that. I understand this because brace a world that she had long ing the laughing children who walk­ I'm smart, because I pay attention been out of step with. To her this ed in groups. Her grandmother in school and read a lot. was the long-awaited prophecy ful­ never seemed to worry that she After that, at the end of every filled: she was no longer the inter­ spent so much time alone; it was as school day, she wouldboltoutofthe loper; she was amemberofthefam­ if she were grateful that no one else building, her thin legs shooting out ily. She saw the change as if it intruded into her immaculate from under her, begin the run home were some drama, knowingthather household, threatening to contam­ before she would be overtaken by lines must be perlectly rehearsed, inate its inhabitants. ,the passing groups of children. the critics would be watching for Now, far away from it all, she want­ failure on her part. Each day was ed to cry for that little girl who a scene to be acted out according Disaster struck when she was had never had a chance. to their script. At breakfast the only eleven. Remembering that The early years had been easy. three of them would discuss the pos­ first Dies lrae, ten years later it She'd grown used to the time spent sibilities for the day ahead, and she was easy to laugh. An icy winter alone, to her grandmother's dron­ wondered if it was genial formality day, she had left school alone and ing voice, to her father's absence. or some urgent attempt at parental had gone to the library, quietly As a small child there was no need control. They knew exactly what chosen the books she wanted while for them to acknowledge her. To her she would do from the time she the librarian bestowed on her the, grandmother she was the child sent left the house until the time she "Aren't you a nice little girl" smile. to see that there would be no peace returned. Of course, she knew what With an arm full of books she walk­ in her old age, a penance like four they would be doing too, but then ed along humming to herself, dread­ Hail Mary's or a rosary a day for was there any room for opposition ing the usualinterrogationfromher the rest of her life. In the way that on her part? grandmother. She had not said she the old often do, her grandmother would be at the library. Why did she accepted her punishment, only to insist on worrying a tired old w<r find solace in reminding her of it She was in the junior high now and man to death? She saw some class­ constantly. " You know," she would had suddenly been able to make mates on the next corner and slow­ say, " I thoughtl'draisedmyfamily friends, Penny with the square face ed her pace. She hated to have to and God knows those years were and straw-colored braids. They sat walk past them, to search for some­ hard enough. Little mouths to feed together in almost all her classes thing to say that would always come and no money ever coming in." She and before long they talked to one out sounding stupid and insincere.