to listen to people more deeply, rather than put them shock. Not only were there many bright children now off with words. Probably all those years of fencing in my classes, but also lots of wealthy, cultured class- and fighting with professors to learn and get the job mates. I suddenly became the "country bumpkin." I done carried over onto the job at first. Almost all first was the W.A.S.P. minority and read a library book all year teachers have to learn to co-operate and compro- alone in school on the Jewish holidays. mise much more so than they did in their college days. Eventually I became a part of the culture. Families I began to really like the man, and as our personal as well as my friends included me at their Seders, conferences toward conversion progressed, I develop- and Bar Mitzvahs were the major social event for ed a new respect for his type of restless, inquiring three years running. I became more familiar with scholarship. He was most generous in loaning me any temple procedure than I had ever been with any book in his personal library, something other rabbis church. With this background I entered my first might hesitate to do, especially with books they marriage with a Jewish boy from my high school. treasure. The idea of my conversion occurred to me, and I Finally on March 21, 1975 I stood in front of the remember remarking that "Maybe I could . ." open Ark and converted to Judaism. I'll admit to (being a rather tentative person at that time); I was being so nervous that I stumbled over the words of told that that would be a crazy thing to do. I again the sh'ma. After five years, finally reaching a goal considered converting right after my divorce; but can be pretty mind-bending. it was not until way into my second marriage, at a Seder dinner, that I came to realize how important Looking back, I wouldn't trade those five years for my being Jewish was to my husband. I already felt one year's study and conversion with a single rabbi. so close to Judaism in my own self-concept that it I learned a lot about how rabbis think and feel. Now occasionally surprised me to realize I was not Jew- when I take out Chaim Potok's books (he holds a ish. I realized how important being Jewish was to rabbinical certificate), or listen to Baruch Korff's me. I decided to convert. We were now living in Lin- defense of Richard Nixon, or read the bitter and coln, Nebraska, where there were few Jews that we moving Diary of an American Rabbi, I think I can were aware of. We joined the temple of our friends appreciate the position of the rabbinate just a little and I started conversion classes with a student Rabbi. more than I did before conversion. Not being taken seriously was discouraging The class met every two weeks. The classes and my Converted but not quite accepted meetings with the student Rabbi were disappoint- ing and almost discouraging. Conversion seemed to Suzanne Kalish be a big joke; the others in my group did not seem to mind the lack of seriousness. Bad Jewish jokes "Sh'ma Yisrael". I was very nervous as I practiced and amused references to Biblical sexuality on the over and over the prayers I was to say in the mikvah part of the student Rabbi seemed to discourage any that afternoon. It was November, 1973, and I was to real discussion of Judaism. When at the end of the be converted that afternoon. Why was I nervous? I year it became time for me to choose my Jewish was so eager to become "officially" Jewish after name and to become converted, I couldn't do it. having felt Jewish, thought Jewish and having all of I would have felt dishonest converting after such a my close friends and loves Jewish for the past 20 farce. years. When I finally discussed my dissatisfaction with the I was born in Bakersfield, California, a farming com- student Rabbi, I almost got the feeling that he was munity. Since we lived on a farm, I went to a moun- tain school. I was the brightest, wealthiest girl (my surprised to learn that someone could really be family being the only landowners — 60 acres) in my wanting to be a Jew. I guess he thought I had been class; there existed no Jews in my life at all. My looking for a Rabbi with graying temples and a family was E piscopalian, but our religious training more "God—inspired" manner. It was discouraging; was minimal to say the least. The first and last time but as we were about to go to Boston for the year, we attempted to attend Sunday School, we got a flat I decided to be converted there. tire on the way — we never tried again. So, when at The difficulty of being accepted in the community the age of ten, we moved to Beverly Hills to live with In Boston we were thrilled to find a large Jewish my grandmother, I experienced a type of culture community that we felt a part of almost immediately. 52 All around us were young Jewish couples our age started in that high school. Small unanswered ques- taking their Jewishness more and more seriously, tions grew to larger unanswered questions. j Much our way of thinking! Yet even here in Boston, in this large and friendly Jewish community, I again I had stopped attending Sunday Mass, and I no longer met many Jews who were not delighted at my com- received the sacraments. I remained a Catholic in ing conversion. Comments like "Why would you want name only. Although my religious preference was in a to do a thing like that?" or "You are what?" were state of flux, I never doubted that there was a God. I frequent. Many Jews were incredulous that I should would hold my own private personal services by going be converting, and this lack of welcome surprised and off somewhere to do some quiet meditating. hurt me. I still get this negative reaction quite often. Many Jews seem to feel that because I was not born My future mother-in-law could accept a mixed mar- of a Jewish mother, because I chose to become Jew- riage, but she was disturbed because we would not be ish at the age of 31, I am not a full Jew. In discus- able to be buried in the same cemetery at the ulti- sions, Judaism will be described as a culture, an mate separation. My father-in-law was an Orthodox , ethnos to be born into, and then someone will look Jew, but he agreed to our marriage with some re- ; at me and say, "We don't mean you, of course. You're luctance. Prior to our formal engagement announce- i different." But I feel to them I may be different; in ment, my parents visited me in Los Angeles. We had fact, I may not be considered a Jew. I am sometimes not seen each other for over a year, and they were ' j guarded and feel I must immediately state I am a con- anxious to see how I was getting along. My letters to , vert before anyone unknowingly insults me. them frequently mentioned my future wife and her family, so I am sure another reason for the trip was to "Sh'ma Yisrael".. The day finally came that I was meet her. In the few weeks they were here in Los to be converted. A few friends were there to witness Angeles, they became very fond of her and her the short ceremony in the Temple and then at the parents: soon they were asking me when we were mikvah. My five year-old daughter went into the getting married. Two months later when we called mikvah room with me, my lVi year-old son was with them in New York for the announcement, it was ac- his Daddy on the outside, and I was especially happy cepted with sincere happiness and a welcomed sigh of to know that our baby who was to be born 6 months relief instead of resignation. My mother-in-law's point later would be Jewish by birth. I loved the mikvah; of not being buried together was a valid one, but it it was one of the most intense and moving experien- struck me that if we were going to live our lives now, ces of my life. I felt so totally submerged and warm it was important to do it together in the same religion. and about to enter a new Jewish life for me and my family. It was great! Then afterwards we celebrated I became an active temple member at Boston's most renowned delicatessen by eating My personal acceptance of Judaism was never trau- I bagels and cream cheese, a most appropriate ending to my 20 year-long conversion process. As is true matic; it seemed to be a natural evolution. I was a after many long awaited events, I felt a little let down transplant from the east, so all my friends were that I was still the same "me". But I was very content originally my wife's friends and Jewish. They had visualizing my family's future in Judaism. known me for more than two years, and their accept- ance of me was immediate and without incident.